The problem

The problem is that my life stops for this Boston gig. I'm not here all week to do anything but this group. Once upon a time I maybe needed a breather from my family. Once upon an time I probably needed more of something else besides the family. But my life has evolved during these 16 years with the group.

If this gig were in NY, it would be perfect. I'd rehearse, I'd be home, teaching, with my family, eating and sleeping in my own bed. It would just be one part of my everyday. But it's not this way, and amazing as some of the musicians are, and even if I don't play with the same caliber people in NY, generally, it's no longer this thing I need or really want to give up almost a week of my life. I'm double the age of this violinist. Double. Sure it's great to play with him, but they are going to come and go. And this piece of crap music, really? And the Bloch that does nothing for me and really isn't chamber music. I came all the way for this? Would she dare give his music to the other pianist? What do I need this for?

I guess I'm angry. I realize sometimes it just has to get to this point for a decision to be made. She could tell something was up last night. I left her house quickly. I was tired and fed up, and just wanted to stop smiling and reassuring her. I'm done!