Math hwk found

Jake had asked me to come by his bed. He was nervous. He couldn't find his math packet he had completed over break and only hoped it was at school.

Why don't you write to her?

How is that going to help?

You write and tell her you did the packet and your parents can verify it, but you can't find it at home. You're going to search your locker tomorrow and if you can't find it, you'll do it on the week end. Get it off your chest. Plus she knows you're thinking about it before tomorrow and not just making excuses if you show up empty handed.

And so he got out of bed, put on his glasses and wrote her an email.

Tonight, at bed time, we talked about how this was the best birthday party ever. By the way, did you find your math?

Yes, he told me. When I got to math, she told me she saw my email, and then I asked her if I could go to my locker to look for the packet. When I came back with it, she told me, good for you!

Yes, I told him, good for you! Do you think that it was still worth it to have written her that email?

Yes, he said sleepily, because she knew I was looking for it and I was trying.

Yup!! Good night, I kissed him.

My sweet kid!

from my mom

My mom and I were on the phone for almost 90 minutes tonight.

It was the longest coversation I've probably ever had with my mother, and she was the one that said it was 11:30 and time to go.

I weeped a little telling her about the situation with Computers and that boy who took advantage of him. We talked about people who lost their way from my generation, and how I've changed my thinking completely about how important it is for the kids to be happy and well adjusted first and foremost. Yet when she lumped me in the category with someone else with a special needs kid, I pushed back. Mom, it's totally not the same! I want my kids to be happy but I push them! I drag them everywhere! I schedule play dates! They walk to and from school. I make it a point to have meaningful conversation every single day. I do not hand them devices at meals, they are not allowed to play video games during the week, and I make sure there are social opportunities multiple times a week. It's just not the same...!

My mom and I have always had a rocky relatioship. But today was a little different. I listened, really listened without reacting too much. And you know, her telling me that I was doing good by him as my voice got shaky, telling her what was going on. Well, it means so much to me.

Precancerous lesions

Reading the mail. Received a follow up report from the doctor. although the polyps removed were found to be hyperplastic polyps, because of where they were located, they were considered to be precancerous lesions. Hubby's next colonoscopy scheduled in 3 years.

amusements

Brought Belac to his class and then came home and upstairs. I can hear everything but feel it is important to mix out. They are all hanging around the food now and bantering about the different kinds of soccer balls that exist and telling stories about their teachers and now about someone's underwear.... It is so interesting, I am not used to six 13/14 year olds gathered around like this. They sound happy. And now it's someone else's turn to run on the treadmill as everyone watches. Who needs toys?

the group

They have all arrived! Their voices have deepened, some are beginning to have skin problems, and they are all enormous. I hear the kids in the family room, someone is running on the treadmill, there is a ball being kicked around, and they are all commenting and watching Belac build something on Minecraft. They know how to amuse themselves. Now others have headed down to play ping pong, but others are talking kindly and interestingly to Belac about what he's building.

What a bunch of good kids.

party on!!

To my Jake: my sweet and funny kid. How lucky I am to have a boy like you with such a huge heart and smile. Wishing you the happiest 14th!

Birthday Party

Hi, Moms and Dads!

Hope you are well and staying warm. Spring will soon be upon us, I hope and think...!

Jake is turning 14 and would love to celebrate his birthday with his friends over dinner and a movie this Friday. 

The movie will be Kingsman: The Secret Service (Rated R) at 6:55PM at the nearby theater. Your boys are welcome to walk home with Jake right after school on Friday, or come later at your convenience. We will probably eat around 5:15 before piling into the car at about 6:30. Hubby and I will bring the boys to the movie and drop them off at your homes, right afterwards, around 9pm. 

We hope your boys can make it!

Gimky

cell: 

I had asked Jake, earlier this week, you don't want to invite more than these 4? You can if you want. No, this is good, he told me, it's more fun when it's a small group. I had to agree.

It is so interesting. Only one of these boys - Timmy - was invited to his Bar Mitzvah, last year. None had been to any of his previous birthday parties, and half have never even been by the house. Jared, Ben... these were kids who didn't make him feel very good, he admitted to me a few weeks ago. The boys coming today have been in Jake's classes, all year, and they've been eating lunch together. I have heard of apple eating contests and jokes between them. Interestingly enough, almost all of these kids have parents who are lefties, very involved at school and in the community. Needless to say, we all know each other, though not well. A very good bunch, it seems.

Happy Birthday to my boy!

What happened

Some texting with Kiki, tonight, who is in Pittsburgh. She told me she's been crying everyday and things are unbearable. What happened? I finally dared to ask. I had been thinking up horrible scenarios in my head while trying to suppress my worry.

Infidelity, she replied simply.

Hubby now over at the house with Robin, who is distraught and remorseful.

Me: Kiki, hubby dictated a text to Robin and it autocorrected "I'm coming over to beat you at your house." LOL! (Meet you...)

K: LOL. Robin probably thought he meant it. We love you guys, thank you.

apology

Received an unexpectedly astonishing and beautiful letter from Computer teacher. Who first promised he would do right by Belac and then was apparently devastated and apologetic by his actions with Jake. He admitted knowing right away, from the moment he uttered those words and seeing 'a complete change of demeanor on Jake's face,' that he could never do that again. He asked me to trust him. To be patient because he had until now zero experience with autism.

If you saw his first letter a few weeks ago about Belac, and now this one, you would never in a million years think it was the same person. I found out from Kati and Lulu at breakfast, earlier, that the administration had tried to fire this teacher over the years. It is not my intention nor desire to get this teacher fired but realized, reading his email and trying to understand his dramatic and sudden  change of heart, that over the past weeks I had left a very reasoned and consistent paper trail with details that provided the school ammunition. It's also shocking that an Aide was put in the class in a day without the usual bureaucracy and getting this teacher involved. My letters and phone calls were enough to justify it for this particular class and teacher, and maybe that was in itself scary. Even Wiseman was shocked, expecting this to drag on and eventually needing to be called in. I do believe, however, that the teacher is remorseful about his behavior and not just fearing his job. It's clear to me he needed and never received prior information and communication from special Ed or the guidance counselor before Belac ended up in his class. He was navigating in the dark.

As a parent, I need to assume nothing. For Belac, I'm going to have to reach out to each and every teacher.

Thank you so much for your email, I began my reply, I appreciate and hear everything you say....

compliant Asian no more

In another world I would have been apologizing for Belac's behavior and keeping my head lowered.

Just a few years ago, in fact, my neighbor threw Belac out of her house for misbehavior and I said nothing. I was walking up the drive from shoveling, just as he was leaving her house, crying and holding his jacket. He wasn't behaving so I'm sending him home, she called out flippantly with head hanging out the door. Something about a wii remote. Was I mad? she asked days later. Mad? I didn't say, you mean for not putting on your jacket and walking over to my front door with him? Following up with a phone call as to what happened? What would have happened if I hadn't caught this scene with my own eyes? Would she have said anything to me...? You punished, but were you going to teach or reflect, make a plan about next time? Me, mad...?

Gossip about my kid to other kids as the authoritative adult? Judge? Dismiss my kids' feelings? Harbor schadenfreude? Not do your job? I guarantee you'll have someone to seriously reckon with, today. I am not the goody two shoes mom I was supposed to be.

All I wanted this teacher to know, is that I am on to him. He would come to know everything in the 1st paragraph, but critical was what I needed to say in the 2nd paragraph. It is my job as a parent to stick up for my kids and I needed him to know. I know what he's doing and he'd better stop it. Do not cross me.

Dear Computer Teacher,

Hope you are well and staying warm.

I know that there was another issue in Computer Lab, yesterday. Belac and I spoke in detail about it and I did officially request that he receive an Aide for Computer Lab. I received confirmation about this, earlier today, and the Aide will be Mrs. Spot and there to assist in your class beginning Thursday, tomorrow. She is currently the Assistant Teacher in the Modified Class with Ana, and knows Belac very well. Hopefully, her presence will help Belac stay on task, ensure that he carries out your instructions reliably, and minimize any disruptions to the rest of the class.

I also wanted to mention that Jake understands fully and recognizes that Belac has challenges. Belac - as you know - is high functioning on the autism spectrum and has made huge gains over the years. Jake has been the most incredibly supportive and flexible sibling about the attention his brother has needed, but he has also suffered plenty of embarrassment and helplessness over some of his brother's behavior, already. So if you could let me know about any of Belac's issues directly, that would be greatly appreciated. I will do whatever I can to try to improve/remedy a situation and your communication with me is important so I can help. Please also be assured that Belac's behaviors are ones that we have constantly been focusing on and addressing with him.

Thank you so much. As always, if there is anything I need to know, please feel free to email or call.

Gimky

good

Just got off the phone with the school. They are giving Belac an aide for Computers. Also honoring my request to reassign Belac to another teacher for Health or potentially something else during that period, next semester.

You do understand this is how bullying starts, right? I told the Guidance Counselor. That by talking about Belac to other kids who don't know him, in an unflattering and mean way, this teacher is creating an environment that is potentially unkind to Belac, right? And that Jake should not be put in the position to defend, advocate or apologize for his brother, right? Because this is not Jake's fault...? Yes, yes, she agreed, what this teacher did and what he's been doing is wholly inappropriate. We totally agree with you, and this is why we are putting someone in there immediately.

Good. I felt a sigh of relief inside and wanted to hug her through the phone.

Thank you so, so much.

12 degrees

Today I did not get up earlier than the boys. When I thought I hit the snooze button, I turned my alarm off instead. And then the boys' alarm didn't go off. At 6:50, I lept out of bed to nudge the kids up and push Belac into running shower. Then down to boil some eggs. There was making lunch while they ate breakfast. Egging Belac on about one more sip of milk and another bite of protein - turkey, today. Sending Jake upstairs to get his watch. And still plenty of easy minutes to talk about what he wanted to do with his friends for his birthday celebration on Friday. Who he still needs to get an email address for....

Despite the late start, they got out by 7:30. The difference was I was still in pjs and couldn't take dog and go out with them. And maybe this was a good day for that. It's 12 degrees! After stepping out for just a second, Belac turned right around to find his ski mask from the bin. They never complain about walking, having come to terms, long ago, that others around us get driven and that's that. I looked out the window and saw Jake waiting for Belac, climbing the icy steps. And then again waiting and taking him aside to protect him from a busy drive full of trucks and workers. Jake has really blossomed. He is such a good kid! They both are.

And I am the luckiest mom.

The Problem is this:

Belac is so high functioning, that it's hard to see his problems as being something he can't help if he just tried hard. If his parents and others just forced it out of him. Pay attention! Look at me! Just do it!!

They forget or they just don't know. That his first years of language consisted of repeating everything he heard. That he mixed up constantly 'you' and 'I.'  That he stimmed constantly, doing this strange thing with his eye, looking out of the corner at inanimate things. That we couldn't leave the house unless the storm door latched a certain way or he'd freak out. And that until 2 years ago he had an aide at school, and was always at the side of an adult, poking him and smoothing things over. ALWAYS.

So now he's in a new building. Middle school. He's in neurotypical classes but integrated with other high functioning kids of smorgasbord issues on a much longer leash. And what do they see? He's not being trailed anymore and sticking out, he's in the mix. They are measuring him against the others, having never seen him before 5th grade. They see that he's smart. They see that he has a conscience. They see that he is aware enough. But there's so much he doesn't get and is overwhelmed by. He gets frustrated and finds listening and understanding what's happening around him just very hard.

Stand up for yourself!! But of course do everything the teacher says or you'll get in trouble!! But what then, what if the teacher tells him to pull down his pants and he doesn't want to? I just hammered it into his brain after the incident with Casper, to never do anything he felt was wrong. And so now what? I've just told him basically that the teacher is always right! Would he pull down his pants?? And while most people might be able to exercise proper judgement, it's like Belac is on a foreign planet, trying to learn all the rules and exceptions, except it's so much more complicated than that. In this real world there are nuances.

Unless we are going to do the private school route, which may not be better, I am forced to educate. I am going to have to preemptively reach out to Belac's teachers and help them understand Belac. And to also tell them, hey, my kid has an autism spectrum diagnosis! For some reason, for confidentiality reasons, everything is so hush hush. I appreciate discretion, but you know what? How are you going to really educate a kid, especially if you have 150 others to pay attention to everyday, if someone isn't talking about what a kid's challenges are and what they need? Otherwise they are left improvising and guessing, and look what is happening in Computer class, taught by the French teacher - of all people - who never has kids with IEPs in his normal load. Totally the wrong teacher for Belac. Why wasn't he place in Computers where a couple of his friends have designated aides? He could have piggy backed with them. We spend so much money per kid in this district and yet, visiting school, I have never seen so many disorganized adults standing around not being helpful.

The consequence of Belac making so much progress, is that he doesn't always appear as being disabled but more like a poorly trained kid. Don't judge, I want to tell them all, TEACH HIM! He has come such a very long way. He can learn!!

Request for Aide

Hi Guidance and Ana,

I heard about what happened today in Computers from Belac. And I was also happy to hear from Ana, that Belac was able to improve the situation.

That said, I would like to call a meeting to discuss an Aide for Belac in Computers. In the last 2 school weeks Belac has been sent out of the classroom, twice, and he doesn't even have Computers everyday! And only until he happened to be discovered crying in the hallway by Ana, was I alerted to an ongoing and existing situation.

I heard from Jake, today, that the teacher announced to him, in activity period and in front of other kids: "And Belac swore again in Computers." Jake did not know what to say except "that's nice." First of all, if the teacher's purpose was to get this information ultimately to me, you don't go through his 13 year old brother. He told this to Jake 3 weeks ago, but this was the first time I ever heard of it. Second of all, if we are really concerned about Belac learning properly and also being supported properly by his peers as he learns to behave properly, you would never as a teacher announce this fact to a bunch of kids who weren't there. It does not induce understanding or empathy, quite the opposite. Furthermore, Jake is not his brother's keeper or defender, nor should he suffer his brother's humiliation. That statement should have come to me, first and foremost, and never to his kid brother Jake.

I know that Belac does not have computers tomorrow, but I don't want him back with this teacher unless another adult can be present. If we need a meeting, let's meet. I will also make sure Dr. Wise Man will be there or will call in, if this can help the case.

Thank you so much for everything you both do to help Belac develop and navigate the middle school world.

Gimky

another good AM

birthday present, a new fun thing

Why don't I always get up 45 minutes before the kids? Mornings are just so much easier!

By the time their alarm goes off and I switch on lights, I'm already dressed, drinking coffee and have lunches packed. So then I can stand in the hall and oversee and make sure they are up and out. Belac was so tired, he came to me at mid night and told me he couldn't sleep. But I helped him get dressed, rubbed a wet towel on his face, and pushed him along.

They were both downstairs before 7am. We all bundled up at 7:25 and were out the door. This time, we all wore more clothes than yesterday and weren't shivering. We had learned our lesson. Until the corner, Jake told me that he wasn't taking the short cut and that he had gotten snow in his shoe, yesterday. I reminded him to ask his friends about coming over Friday. We're making his birthday part at home. Belac asked, mom, do you think I'm still smart? I had mentioned that if he kept scripting from a stupid vine and laughing to himself, that he was going to be appear crazy to others. That he had to keep that under wraps at school and force himself to look around him and see what was going on. I just can't help it, Mom, but sometimes I do focus in school, so do you think I'm still smart? Yes, but try not to let your mind wander to those videos, okay? It's not good for your brain! Look around you and listen, okay? Okay, bye mom!!

Sitting here the phone rang. I waited, holding my breath, for the number to appear. Phew! It wasn't the school, it's hubby.

talking before bed

dinner: curry and rice

Interesting conversation before bed. The boys and I were at the island and I was showing Jake pictures of little and older brother, across the street. Do you think he's whiny? I don't know, you'll have to meet him and see. What do you think he wants to do? Throw around a ball, sing silly songs, run around, the same kind of things you used to do! Why is he being held back a year if he's not also autistic...? Well, he is, but not as severely as his older brother. WHOOAAAA! Is that older brother's service dog?? That is so cool!!! Service dogs are so cool!! Wait, Belac said, Jake is helping an autistic kid? What is a service dog? Mom, Jake tried to go over the logistics with me, which day and what if I have a lot of homework? Are you sure I have time for this?

Jake, when Belac had all of that therapy when he was little, I would have loved for you to have a playmate. Not a babysitter, but someone younger who would have played with you, had some fun with you. You had Bailey, of course, but I was sometimes busy and preoccupied by all that Belac needed. What I needed? Belac asked. Yes, I replied, and guess what? You are one of the lucky ones, I reassured him, you made so much progress, you are good at communicating and you're keeping up in school! So it was really good that you had all that therapy! You worked so hard and now you're doing so well.

But you know what? Older brother, in this case, is still struggling. He's 6 years old and in diapers. In diapers? Yes, and he can't speak. And there's no class for him at Sunny Patch, so he gets bussed far away to another school. Then comes home and has therapy until he goes to bed, everyday. Where's the dad? Working. And the mom gave up her job to help her boys, who need a lot extra. Little brother has some issues, too, we all do, but most of all, he needs a playmate. So if you can go there after school once a week, 30 min, 45 min, even longer if you have no homework and you guys are having fun or it's going well.... you know Jake, being a big brother and role model to this boy, that would be  a true gift,  I turned to Belac, you're too young now, but maybe you can be a buddy when you're older.

Dad and I recognize how great you tend to be with little kids and how they gravitate towards you. How little Queen is always trying to tickle you and the cousins want to hold your hand and run and chase you - Mom, Belac interrupted, the cousins like me, too, right? Yes, they absolutely do. So, I turned to Jake, the important thing is to try. Most people in theory want to do something to help, but most people don't or can't. I really want you to be one of those people who DO. Now, if it's not a good match or doesn't work, that's another thing, but let's just have you try 3 times with this little boy before you make up your mind, okay? He nodded and then we were onto the next topic.

It would be so great for Jake if this works out.

reply all

my new obsession: arugala

She wrote another note today, cc'ing her husband. She keeps alluding to this serious problem and needing everyone's love and support, but not saying what the problem is. Hoping that their marriage comes out stronger. All the while, I've been thinking that it's him, but actually now I am wondering if it's her? Since when does she sign off with I love you? And why would she cc her hubby unless she felt he needs support? She seems so in control of what needs to happen, not someone who has been blind-sided. Meanwhile we haven't heard a peep from him.

I replied all and shared with them what they didn't really know from before we all met:

You know, when Belac was almost 3 years old and received his autism diagnosis, it totally shattered our world. Hubby was buried in work and trying to hold onto his job when his company laid off like 40% of the corporate office over 2 years. I was at home, feeling totally confused and isolated, manning this ship in unchartered and unfriendly territory. Chained to the house overseeing 35 hours of therapy and school per week, and did I mention my overwhelming guilt for not paying attention to Jake during those years especially? I resented hubby's being able to skip off to work, everyday, and even though I know it takes two, and that there is plenty of weird and unstable stuff going on in my own family gene pool, I blamed hubby.... We then had Belac in a school that cost almost 55K a year until we could sell our house and move, and only because hubby was promoted to VP that year, could we barely afford it but lived on a shoestring, literally hand to mouth. We were spread so thin it was scary and knew we had to sell our beautiful house ASAP. Then of course the house sat on the market for more than a year, empty, while we took a rental in Sunny Patch. We accepted a big loss when it finally sold. 

We had some pretty crazy, emotional, stressful years, and looking back it's a wonder we survived it. I think that most marriages with special needs in the family end in divorce? But over time, despite seeing my Juilliard colleagues on FB doing professionally exciting things I'm not doing and may never have the chance to do despite my ability to compete, once upon a time, I did come to fully realize that I ultimately don't want to be anywhere more than with my kids, who have needed me so much. As Belac ever so slowly made huge, huge gains, I paid more attention to Jake and eventually, made more effort with hubby, who in some ways really got the short end of the stick.... I mean, if it weren't for hubby, his ability to be calm even as I went routinely ape shit, his diligence at work that allowed me to be home during those early crucial years, his command of our finances, I'm certain we would not have ended up in Sunny Patch, in this house, or even intact, at that. I had been drowning and just could not, did not, fully appreciate all that hubby had done to keep us physically and emotionally afloat until later. All to say - sorry, long story - our life seemed impossible not that long ago. Just impossible and impossibly hard. But slowly we had breaks in our stress and having been through what we've been through, we didn't take it for granted as we once would have. Surprisingly we've landed somewhere stable and pretty good, and where - over time - we have recovered a familiar and satisfying place between us, surprisingly not that emotionally far away from the beginning of our relationship when it was just the two of us. I offer up this story not because I think we are any kind of ideal or out of any self-congratulations (I'm sure life has plenty of other treats in store to make us sweat) but just to tell you that we are definitely much stronger and tighter having been through some hard stuff and I really hope the same for you and Robin and you and your family!

xx Gimky

back on schedule

Thank you, Mom, Belac told me as I poured him some juice and he looked me right in my eyes, and thank you for breakfast. Thank you for everything you do for me, I really appreciate it.

Amazing. I smiled from ear to ear. You're welcome! Thank you for appreciating me.

They were supposed to get up at 6:45 this morning. But I turned on lights at 6:30. If we were going to be on EST, finally, I needed to just rip the band aid off. I needed to account for everyone's slowness and I wanted us walking to school.

At 7:10, everyone was downstairs eating ramen and apples. At 7:30 Jake was bundled up and out the door. I watched Belac tie his double knots on his shoes. It was 7:38 by the time we got to the corner and I reminded him about following instructions at computer lab and listening ever so carefully to the teacher. Now walk fast, sweetie! I told him as he was off, and not walking fast at all. He was going to be late, I realized, as he finally crossed at the guard.

Still, a good morning.

Early AM

Saw hubby off. Now waiting on coffee as I listen to Taylor Swift. My piano students like her.... It looks like it's the middle of the night still. But it's good. I find if I get up much earlier than the kids, the mornings are much smoother. And today's classes, well, I haven't taught on a Monday for 6 weeks due to weather and holidays. Definitely good to be up early!

Goodnight!

We laughed so hard at this, but it was delicious!

Off to bed after a quiet, productive and sweet day.

'Thank you for everything you do for me' wrote Belac. Did you write that yourself or did dad help you? Uh, Dad helped me, but I actually really mean it, Mom! I kissed him, thank you!

Jake wrote "I love you forever." Hubby looked at me quietly and made a thumbs up gesture pointing at Jake. I hugged Jake, too. And hard.

Hubby's card was hilarious, too and seeing Bailey everywhere made me laugh. Will post the pics tmw when on the computer.... Hubby leaves for Chicago at the crack of dawn. I'll be up at 5am to see him off.  It's going to be a hard day for everyone, still on AZ time. Good night NOW!

Done!

birthday dinner

Hi, Gimky

So sorry to hear you have a leak also... I am SO over this winter already!!  I keep trying to find the positives in the situations but I am getting a little bitter now!!  :)

Thank you so much for your amazing offer with Jake.  I would absolutely love to try it out for little brother.  We have decided to keep him back from kindergarten in September (he won't be 5 until late November) and we are putting him a typical preschool for socialization and he will get related services at Sunny Patch.  Little brother really needs a buddy... Dr. Rachel observed little brother at Keller and feels that he is on the cusp of losing his diagnosis and mainstreaming... but unfortunately he doesn't have a typical role model at home or at Keller.  He is desperately trying to engage with Older brother and Older brother does try but it is not constant.  So I think it would be amazing if the chemistry worked between Little brother  and Jake so that he has someone to play with that can model language and play skills.  Older brother can join in also if he doesn't have therapy at the time.  < /div>

The only day that wouldn't work for Little brother is Tuesday ... and of course, if there is not good chemistry (also including if Jake doesn't feel comfortable) just let me know.Let me know what dates or times would work and we can see if it's a good match.  Also, if you want to come over with him for the first time or few times if he is more comfortable that is fine with me also (would love to catch up).

Thank you so much for your kind words and amazing offer... it comes at a much needed time.Talk soon!

xo,
Sally

Dear Kiki,

So hubby mentioned to me your words tonight....

Whatever is going on, I am so so sorry. I'm not the kind of person to pry nor to "talk," knowing how much I have needed privacy and very deep trust from others dealing with my own things. But I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And for the kids. And for Robin. I tend to be hands off until I know I can meaningfully help. But just know that I love each and every one of you and if there is anything, anything I can do to be helpful - minute, huge or anything in between - you should absolutely let me know. Over the years, I have been through my own hard times with both marriage and each of my kids, and understand the pain and conflict that can come from sacrificing, loving, and enjoying my family, but also coping and making the best of things.

Sending hugs and love your way,

Gimky

Hubby found out, tonight, that the problem is with the marriage. While I am not completely shocked, I am shocked. This is hard. Because while we both feel generally more close to Kiki and were rattled by his public advances to me, her hubby feels close to my hubby.... Also hubby feels that every partner needs to be respected, and that maybe Kiki has not really expressed that, being the - perhaps, resentful - bread winner of the family.

So complicated.

happy birthday

Looking at vacation photos and remembering such a beautiful trip. Hubby home soon from a meeting, and we are all walking into town for sushi. Originally he assumed we would be going out ourselves, but I pointed out that the kids would love it, too. Until the boys are too cool to be around us anymore, I want to hold them close and include them in everything. 

I taught, practiced and snow blowed. Hubby ran errands with the kids and took them swimming/tennis so I could have quiet as I worked and practiced. Definitely a happy birthday and more. Lucky me! 

Jake, Belac (in orange) and hubby

personal issues

Kiki wrote hubby and I the other day that she was resigning from the synagogue board immediately because of "personal issues." I love you both, she signed off. What?! I had looked at her FB photos, everyone looked happy out in San Fran. Kiki, I wrote back immediately, we support you whatever you do and if you need anything from us just ask. We love you so much. "Nothing is okay" she responded without elaboration. Somehow I didn't think this was about her marriage, could there be something with older boy...?

And then my neighbor, Angry Autism mom posted a poster, commenting: "It's this kinda day today, feeling beat up.... " AUTISM IS NOT A GIFT. I don't think having my 6 year old bang his head on the floor is a gift. I don't think him playing in his shit and spreading it on the walls is a gift. If that is what you think is a gift, then you have gotten some really fucked up gifts in your life.

I couldn't stop thinking about it as I practiced. I will never forget those very hard years, but still I had little glimpses of Belac as possibly turning out 'normal.' He could talk, he was potty trained and his older brother did not have major issues. Both of Angry Autism mom's boys are autistic, with the older one in diapers as a kindergartener and non-verbal.... In between movements, I wrote:

Dear Sally,

Happy Sunday! Hope your leak stays isolated. We have one ourselves in our kitchen that we are going to have to mitigate....

My life is a little upended now, the usual kids' stuff and going to Boston 4 times in the next 5 weeks.... However, it's not so busy that if you need anything, you can always text me.

I understand about those hard days. I think I cried and had anxiety almost everyday during the first 2 years of Belac's diagnosis. I also had tremendous guilt in those years, feeling I had ignored Jake during Belac's 35 hours of therapy and school each week. It was so hard. And seeing your post, I wanted to just reach out and hug you.

I think you are doing amazingly, all you do for Autism Speaks and being loud and proud and there for your boys with humor and wit! I admire you. I spent those early years withdrawn in a way and almost secretive about the early hardships - and that was definitely not healthy.

One of the reasons I am writing is because I am always looking for opportunities for Jake, my 14 year old, to spend his time meaningfully. We volunteer every month at the Food Bank. He also is a trained buddy for the special needs services at our local synagogue. When there are big get togethers with friends and family, interestingly enough, we have often found him playing with the much younger kids, who chase him, crawl all over him and the like. Over the past months, I tried to sign him up to buddy with special needs kids through X and Y, but found those experiences were not local/convenient enough to be sustainable.

All to say, would you be interested at all in Jake coming over say once a week and playing with younger or older brother, i.e. with younger brother when older brother is in home therapy (or vice versa)? Not as any paid job or babysitter, but as a playmate? Of course there's no obligation at all and no obligation if it's not a good match, but Jake takes directions very well, is sociable but not pushy, and you could coach him on how little/big like to play, etc. It would be a great experience for Jake - confidence building and coming full circle in a way. If it's anything you might be interested for the boys, let's talk.

Take care! 
xx Gimky

No worry is greater than a mom's for her child.

Mt. Washington

We have a long wknd in June, right after the kids' last day of school. I am so excited! We are going to drive up to Mt. Washington for a weekend of hiking. Just booked the family 2 nights at Joe Dodge Lodge at Pinkham Notch, an alpine-like hostel. Being outdoors and hiking is something our family does happily and well together, and it seems like the proper way to celebrate the start of summer vacation.

More and more I realize how important it is for me (and us) to be out, in nature and under the big sky. Nothing drives me more stir crazy than being cooped up within walls all day. An hour of googling and reading reviews and a swipe of a credit card... How did people ever plan their get aways before the Internet?

more snow

Sipping a red in front of the fire. Fam is watching Box Trolls as I browse pictures of Havaneses in NY. Our dog loves staying with Theo, a cocker spaniel, whenever we are away. A lazy, easy evening as it snows outside.

Feeling lucky.

home

Tomorrow I turn 45. I was snappy this morning, wanting to get groceries and things in order so I could practice. What kind of cake do you want? Hubby, I was exasperated. You're not making this fun, he told me. Just surprise me! I told him, otherwise it's like I'm shopping for my own cake.

Why was I being so mean?

I told Jake when he came by to hug the dog at my feet while I practiced. I know what I want for my birthday, I told him, I would love for you guys to bake me a cake. Heart shaped! I added, almost laughing inside, imagining hubby's reaction.

You know what? It's not to be mean at all, but the thought of them together and trying to figure it out, doing the near impossible for a couple of hours, makes me happy.

Meanwhile they have been out for hours and I suspect they are in Tarrytown. Hubby saw how I eyed the jewelry in a shop on the main strip. Such beautiful jewels and stones set in handcrafted silver and gold. I am not a jewelry type person, but the necklace of colorful stones they gave me many mothers days ago I wear for every special occasion.

I've already gotten a couple of hours at the piano in. I'm not in terrible shape and feel  much better.

Beautiful

The 4 of us and my niece were together, all day at the Grand Canyon. Today, we hiked a beautiful section of the South Rim. Now in a nearby hotel, resting up for a short hike on the Bright Angel, tmw. I have my heart set on going down into the canyon, if even for a shortened trip because of little legs.

Every waking moment I am blown away by the surreal landscape and bright blue sky. Every night I lie partially awake with music literally swirling in my head. Seriously it's crazy, I lay there and hear Strauss on an endless loop before I even realize it. This morning, hubby found out the CEO of his company was fired. also, yesterday, that one of his bosses was 'retiring.' He had to call in as I took the wheel over from Sedona.

Work and play. They really don't mix. In a true vacay, we'd completely unplug.

Why you should never look at your phone on vacay

We were literally at the South Rim and my phone dinged. It was Wiseman. Was Belac coming?

Of course I had to respond. I did not want him to wait.

Dr Wiseman,

I am so sorry, I thought I had emailed you last week about our being at the Grand Canyon! We are actually sitting on the South Rim as I write, overlooking this incredible view.

I am so sorry! We will be there next week!

Gimky 

Sounds amazing! I'm glad you are OK and see you next week!

(unfortunately, we'll most likely have to charge re: 48-hour cancellation policy - especially in light of our waiting list). I'll discuss with the admin team and see if we can provide any flexibility on this)

Have a wonderful vacation!

Dr. A

Oh my God! I told hubby as he looked over my shoulder, upset I was on my phone and even more upset, too, to see this. He thinks we are loaded, you shouldn't have said we were here. No, no, he corrected me, you need to be bitchy back. This is so not right. I ended up writing:

That would be great if there is flexibility. I am almost positive I wrote to you last week and will check my computer when I get home. However I would also like to point out that this a reasonable week that there would not be therapy because there is no school.

A decision to bill us will change the nature of our relationship, especially because we receive no reimbursement from insurance on this.

Thank you.

Gimky

I personally never charge for no shows because I never have them. I always follow the school schedule and confirm each week that I'm seeing a student next week.  And let's just be fucking honest, ok? He has little overhead because he has no admin. He's talking to himself about charging me or not. There is nothing I hate more than BS disguised as looking out for me. And all this, on the South Rim! Even if he doesn't charge me, I resent the intrusion and the black cloud he sent my way. I should have a camera detached from my phone!

Fwd

Here we are at Sky Ranch Lodge in Sedona. Just got in from dipping my feet in the jacuzzi as the fam jumped in. Came back to my cell and you know what? You know what?! I got an email from the Greenwich school. They want me to take over Mommy and Me at their school! Would I consider it?  It would be my honor! I wrote, let's talk when I get home.

I am so happy. Mommy & Me is really my first love and strength. It's the kids, but especially the relationships with the moms that I find so interesting. I try to be the teacher I would have wanted as a young and at times scared mom.  And even though they will save a wad of dough with me, I also know I gave the other teacher a run for his money, even at his crazy rate. It is my strength. I play multiple instruments well, I have a huge repertoire of kids music because I'm always learning from watching others teach on YouTube, and I can entertain but I also really teach. And I am a special needs mom and understand the value of people's time, the importance of substance, and the need to always show something new you can do with your kid or to share a personal meaningful experience.

Happy. Happy and hopeful, also, about the things I will be doing even as I give up the Boston group. I am so honored!!

az

I wish I could post beautiful pic after beautiful pic. We are in Sedona under the huge starry sky, tomorrow at the Grand Canyon. I think it is so important to experience the diversity of this incredible earth. Today I realized the earth might be embarrassed by all of these weird pimples and scars here. And meanwhile millions come here to experience the beauty of this unbelievable landscape. It is breath taking. Enjoying red rock, not rust rock. It's perspective.

Different can be amazing and spectacular.

great article

A lot of food for thought here. Plenty to learn from Sacco's experience. People are so evil and I feel sorry for her and all the others. Before I ever let either of my boys have data on their phones or engage in any social media, we are going to read a ton of these articles together.

1am

It's 1am and I haven't packed. But I did write a letter to hubby's family that I dared not send without his approval. Only because we don't need 100 calls while we are on  'vacation'  and hubby is snoring and really needs to sleep!

Here's the letter:

I feel the need to tell all of you that Belac has been faced with challenging times lately. There are several things going on and we are doing fine. But several weeks ago, he was taken advantage of by another child.

My point is. Every parent should know what is going on with their kid. Even in their own homes when they think they are supervising properly. 

I have talked extensively with Belac's newly hired therapist who has emphasized that more important than knowing every detail is cultivating trusting relationships with your child so that they will feel comfortable to speak to you when there are problems. I am lucky knock on wood to have this kind of relationship with my boys so far and I only know of this recent incident because Caleb told me about what happened.

I don't mean to instill any fear, but at the same time I feel compelled to share because I love all of the cousins and feel we should learn from each other.  Also because I never dreamed that ANYTHING would happen on my watch and in my own house, tiger mom that I am, but in fact something did in less than 15 minutes upstairs. 

Again, I don't mean to alarm and have struggled with what I'd disclose given how spread apart we are and if it's really productive to disclose anything given the ensuing worry it would cause. I also know that Belsc might be more vulnerable than most of his other cousins, but I'm compelled to tell you as I did my own sisters, that focusing on a trusting relationship with our kids is really important, in that they know they can come to you with their confusions and problems and you won't freak out too much, whatever they say.

We are off to Scottsdale, AZ tmw with my family for the week.  While I have no problem discussing the details off email, we are also in dire need of time away, a break from our worries, and the tons of well meaning advice/solutions coming our way. Looking fwd to some sunshine and snowless days in the next week. 

Love,
Gimky

Vacay

To sisters and Mom: I am apologizing in advance for our appearance this week. We are literally throwing things into suitcases, tonight. We are going to be mismatched!

Months ago we decided to be together for February break. I found us a cheap house rental on airbnb  in Scottsdale with a pool and jacuzzi. Hubby is swamped at work and stressed out and in no mood. I am freaked out about not having a piano to practice on yet. But the air tix and house were paid for months ago and we are going. The kids will be thrilled to be with their cousins and there are tentative plans to drive to the Grand Canyon.

Hubby and I sitting at island drinking wine while he works and I procrastinate. We both have not packed. I just brought all of my veggies in the fridge to my next door neighbor to eat. I have not packed for myself, need to drop the dog somewhere at the crack of dawn, need to teach in the morn without a minute to spare picking up kids and going straight to JFK. What am I doing? Whoa is me, I'm going on vacation tomorrow? We had no idea back then, but this was not the right time for this, even if the kids are on school break.

Still. I hope it will be good.

radio silence broken

I hadn't spoken to Kati in weeks. I know she's going through her own very, very hard stuff. Her mom came in town to help, and it made it worse. Then she was away. I was immersed in all of my own family drama. I texted her coming home on the train. All okay? Some chit chat. When she called today, I made myself pick up.

We talked. And we talked. And I cried. I explained to her that I didn't feel like talking to anyone. That I almost freaked out when my sister was upset that she felt shut out by me but I really had no energy to go over and over everything with anyone else and have to justify one more thing or listen to yet another person's solution to our problems. That I react to any innocent person asking about starting piano lessons with me with anxiety and almost anger. How could anyone ask for an ounce more of my time...?! I am f'ing spent.

And after an hour of this, she said Gimky...? And I could hear her voice wobbling, it made me cry even more. Gimky, I have been so depressed and upset about our situation and haven't wanted to do anything or talk to anyone, myself. I know I've dropped off the face of this earth. You know we received a $10,000 bill JUST for all of her therapy in January?!! And I've also even been mad that you haven't reached out to me more.... And. I just understand what you are going through and we should be talking. I mean, I don't want to, you don't want to, I get it, but we should be helping each other. We are struggling over basically the same things. And all this time I just didn't know that you were suffering as much or even more than me! You know, you and your hubby are our best friends - she was bawling her head off now - and I want to help you in the way you've helped me....

It's okay, it's okay, Kati.... I said, laughing, now. Listen to us!!

My sister texted me. Did you figure out where you can practice or do I need to dig more? I called no one you suggested, I wrote back, I'm overwhelmed and will have to figure it out in AZ. Don't worry, she replied, I will make some phone calls and see what I can do.

What a relief. You see? She knows how to help without burdening. I need to remember this when tables are turned.

thank God

The phone rang. It was the school, just 10 minutes after I sent the email this morning, and I pulled over. I was going to be late to class.

Is this a good time? I heard Mrs. Guidance say. No, I admitted, but I want to hear what you have to say.

Oh my! she could NOT believe the letter the Computer teacher had written. I laughed. Yeah, crazy, right? But it's okay, it's really okay. My husband talked me off the ledge and I waited a night before responding. Look, the teacher said some very valuable things and for that I'm grateful. But as you noticed, I filled him in on a few things, too...!

You are so reasonable! Mrs. Ana exclaimed, I was reading his letter and thinking, oh no, oh no, OH NO!! You wrote a beautiful letter! said Mrs. Guidance. Yes, I laughed, all of us talking at once, me too, thank you. Thank you for calling.

So they are not so oblivious and I am not so hypersensitive after all. So lucky for these two women who have taken the time to understand Belac and do everything they can to help him. He will always have prickly teachers to deal with, but that we have these two teachers in the building to turn to is huge.

letter

I swallowed my pride, did not acknowledge this guy's obnoxious tone and replied with this letter, which was already cc'ed between us to Guidance and hubby, but I added one more. 

Hi Mr. Wheatie,

I am cc'ing Mrs. Ana, modified 6th grade teacher, on this thread.

Thank you for these details. 

I have spoken with Belac and told him that he needs to follow your directions even if he thinks other kids around him are not. Do what Mr. Wheatie says and no arguing or excuses! Hopefully it will be better, today, please let me know. 

Your question about the aide is an interesting one and maybe something that needs to be readdressed, at least for the quads....  Because of Belac's former autism spectrum diagnosis (high functioning, atypical) and some behavioral challenges, Belac had an aide during his years at Sunny Patch Elementary. Entering 5th grade and based on his progress, he joined the modified class with first Mrs. Prego and then 6th with Mrs. Ana. Interestingly, he has made huge gains despite the obvious ups and downs. School has never been easy for him, but these past 2 years have been a period of tremendous growth for him precisely because he has had to take much more personal responsibility. 

Quick question, is there another adult in the classroom as there was in Home Skills, where I volunteered occasionally as the 3rd adult? Maybe I can speak to Mrs. Ana or Mrs. Guidance about her/his being a little proactive with Belac in redirecting and reminding.

By the way, it was Mrs. Ana, his modified 6th grade teacher who accompanied him from Computers back to the room and then to the Guidance office to help him calm down. He sometimes goes to Mrs. Guidance's office when he is upset and has a problem, and where you might have overheard him venting. 

If there is any continued problem or concern with Belac and you don't have time to get into a big email with me about it, Mrs. Ana is a very good person to let know (quick thumbs up or down) and she will also reach out to me. She is with Belac much of the day and we are in close communication. We have found it to be very effective for Belac to get the same reinforcement from class, school and home. 

Finally, I want to say that hubby and I really appreciate that you have high expectations for Belac and took the time to write us. It's really important to his learning and your observations help us more effectively help him. 6th grade has been particularly hard emotionally as Belac has come to recognize his differences, this year, and just wants to be like the others. On top of that, he doesn't always recognize how he appears or fully comprehend his situation in the moment and sometimes makes things worse even as he's trying to make it better...! Talking things over at a calmer time really helps him, and I'm lucky we have that relationship. I really  appreciate the info teachers share with me. 

Please let's keep in touch during the next days of Computers. If it appears that Belac does need an Aide in order to be successful in class, hubby and I will sit down with the school and see if it can be done.

Thank you so much for everything, First Name, and enjoy the school break! 

Gimky

Home

What an honestly shitty day. But what right do I have to complain? There's a man in Detroit who spent years walking 21 miles a day to get to and from his $10.85/hr job. I sat in a cushy train. I'm not working the day and night shift! I have a family and roof over my head. We have our good health as far as I know. What right do I have to whisper one complaint? About anything?

Hubby greeted me with kisses and a beer. Now off to bed.

So glad to be home.

Threesome

There's only one thing saving me.

me: what r u doing? Did Belac finish hwk?

Hubby: yes. I'm about to start a fire. I want to make him happy tonight.

Me: you're a good daddy

More texting...

Me: I'm grumpy and upset about Belac's year. I'm overwhelmed.

Hubby: you're doing great. Belac is not having a bad year at all.

Me: it's stressful for me

Hubby: He's learning new things and having new challenges. To be expected

Me: Knock on wood I feel like things are stable with Jake. Don't want to jinx,

Hubby: Dont worry - the kids are doing fine!

Hubby: Jake needs more ambition /sense of purpose & mission,but there are years ahead for that.

Me: Why are you all mr sunshine today?

Hubby: Because I'm having white wine after a full belly of sushi (half-joke)

Hubby: and I think I have a decent chance of getting lucky tonight

Hubby: :)

Me: I have my period!  (Lie - I haven't had my period in like  7 years)

Hubby: Mwah! I can't wait to make you feel welcomed and loved at home tonight!

The one great thing about me being away, is that the three of them are bonding. The boys need their daddy, too.

Ugh

I should have stayed home. We are only like 10 miles out of Boston, stopped in the middle of the track over mechanical difficulties. There are amtrak people outside with head lamps on. I am two for two.

Just in case anyone thought I was having second thoughts, I'm not.

Going home

Freezing my ass off as I wait for train home.

My rehearsal was interrupted as I gave hubby a call. In between pieces, I checked my phone. I read an email from this total prick of a computer teacher and if I had a minute, I'd have utterly called the school and raged. Hubby calmed me down and I went to rehearsal.

Did I mention I'm quitting my Boston group?  I am totally and utterly done!!

Crawling

Crawling the last few miles to back bay. I've been on the train for hours and hours that has mechanical problems and am so utterly late! But I have to be grateful I got here in one piece and did not drive. But now I could run alongside this thing. I was supposed to be here almost 2 hours ago!!!! I could scream!!!

Thoughts

I won't describe this as the train ride from hell, given the recent metro north crash, but who needs this?

Did I mention I want to quit this Boston gig? The advice I had given was to start a new series with cabaret tables, wine and lighter music. The director liked the idea but programmed me in this program I would have never chosen. It's too long and heavy. It's a chore to sit through. And you can't question her. I am so done. They don't need me, they have other great pianists that are at the top of their game.

I am worried about Belac, who again told me that school is too hard. What part if it? All of it, he replied. He was asked to leave the computer classroom for reasons he did not understand. Mrs Ana happened to walk by and see Belac crying. They went to talk and then to the Guidance Counselors office. Upon questioning, neither had gotten the whole story. I wrote to the teacher. Could you let us know what happened? He alluded to behavior since the beginning of the quad. Wtf? When was he going to reach out to me or someone else about it??!! When was he going to not be emotional with Belac and have a heart to heart with him and un confuse Belac, who simply thinks this teacher hates him?

I really need to be local. I don't want to be away from the kids and Belac really needs me. All Belac wanted to know last night as he cried on my lap, is if I still think he's a good kid. Of course I do!!

I told hubby when I crawled into bed. I know you are stressed out for him and frustrated, but it's late and we need to be reassuring. We need him to know we believe in him. He's crying because he feels bad and he feels bad because he wants to do the right thing. Everything is confusing and stressful for him. It's not even clear what he did that warranted his being sent out! His heart is in the right place, hubby, and we need to recognize that. Look! He tells us things he doesn't have to and gets him into more trouble. We have to be grateful he shares everything with us, especially the bad stuff, and meet him always with a positive demeanor if we want him to keep talking to us.

A few minutes later hubby got up. I thought he had been sleeping. Where are you going? To the bathroom, he replied. I waited but heard him pad down the hall. A few minutes later he was back. Did you go to him?yes. What did you tell him? Good stuff, hubby answered sleepily. Like what? That I love him and know that he's a good boy because he wants to do the right thing. And what did he say? Thank you, dad.

Thank you, hubby.

And with that, we all went to sleep.

Day

What. A. Day.

Put my crying Belac to bed. Hubby worried about his sleep. Me needing to leave for Boston early and everyone being okay. I told Belac he MUST sleep. That I have my own worries and I needed him to have an ok day tomorrow while I am out of state. I am really not sure about his staying at the muddle school... And me hearing an unbelievably hard story in a meeting with the special needs org that made me weep and weep quietly and trying to do so without detection. I ended up in this professional meeting disclosing Belac's struggles and the love and support was... Amazing. I was again asked if I could take over and I said no. I will always be their no.1 volunteer and cheerleader, but no way.

The tennis is awesome for Jake! He was home and smiling and upbeat afterwards. He needs and wants to be pushed.

I am playing better than I ever have been. But I'm ready to quit playing in Boston. I am done.

Everyone in bed. It's an early day tmw for all. Now my turn.

housework

Earned my keep, this morning. Cleaned out the garage that was becoming a garbage pit due to snow. I unearthed the snowblower that I hadn't been able to start all season. We have 5 ft drifts of snow at the top of our drive from the plow... I realized that unless I clear the widest path of snow possible going down the drive, throwing as much as possible onto our front yard, in a week our driveway will be a dangerous mess as everything keeps melting and freezing on a daily basis. Tinkering around with it awhile and trouble shooting online, I finally got the coughing, sputtering thing to catch and start. I jumped for joy and cleared a little of the driveway. I only hope it starts again, later, when I have time to go out.

Off to teach, it's a make up day but a 2 hour delayed start, so not really a make up day any longer, missing half the classes.... The weather has royally messed up any routine.

Chat with dad

Gimky, were you told which kind of polyp it was? 5 are a lot, what did he say...?

The gastro guy said he found 5 small ones, and explicitly said that they were the kind of polyp that left in his colon could develop into cancer.

Wow. I think he has a gifted gastro to have found them. Can you ask for the report and send it to me? Tell him I am a pathologist and interested. And by the way, can you park at Stamford and take the train?

I hadn't thought of that and hemmed and hawed about the logistics.

I'm sure you can find a place to park. Take the train, Gimky, ok? Then you're just driving to Stamford and can rest. The road conditions cannot be good. Okay, I told him.

A few google searches and a phone call later, I figured out I can ride off peak on Amtrak both ways and park at the train station for 8 bucks.  What a no brainer. Lulu's older son also confirmed he'd hang out with the boys after school until hubby arrived home.

Once a parent, always a parent. My dad is the best.

Another hour

Excited for Jake who is now signed up for a Tuesday night tennis clinic for 2 hours. Hubby joined the gym and will now swim on Sundays and Tuesdays when Jake is there. It has worked out well.

No one wanted to leave the house to retrieve wood from the yard for a fire. Belac reading a Pixar junior novelization, Jake and hubby watching a science documentary. It means I have another hour to practice. I am scared about this concert. Nervous about my rehearsals on Wednesday and the drive to Boston and back in one day. The amount of snow in Boston is alarming...!

Ever since we've been eating less meat and more fruits and veggies, I've been feeling so much better. It's not a drastic change but it's a significantly good feeling! I feel more alert.

Time to practice. Even though the boys have been great, they really need to go to school tomorrow!

easy dinner

Jake chopped and made a chunky veggie soup:

I defrosted tuna steaks in jarred marinade:

A pot of rice, and we are done!

Still snowing

Helped Belac bundle up in snow pants and gear. It should have been pj day at school, so he insisted on staying in pjs today. We packed some snack and Belac asked for more of the mango jellies, knowing how Ian loves them. Then watched Belac walk the back way. I love that we are high up and that from any window on the first floor, I can see the kids walk a good distance away from the house.

Ever since the conversation with Lulu, I have felt more assured than ever about our expectations socially for the kids. I know for a fact that we are overseeing the kids more wisely. I also know that if there is a problem with Belac she will pick up the phone and call me. It's always been very straightforward between us, but even more so now.

How lucky for Belac, that this kid he likes so much and so often builds things with, is just around the corner and that we have a good understanding with the parents and share similar expectations. Location matters so much. Jake's friends are across town and not in easy walking distance. He's quite happy, though, it seems, all cocooned up and still reading. Belac is so lucky!

Snow day

At the piano and practicing on this snow day. Kids and I have an agreement. They can turn on the computers and play Minecraft at 4pm for one hour. Until then, they can do anything they want as long as it has nothing to do with the computers. They need to shower, eventually, and Belac needs his mile walk on the treadmill. But other than that, they can read and draw and play and build. There's bread for sandwiches and lots of leftovers they know how to heat up. They are free. I see Jake reading on his kindle and see Belac looking at a big book with photos. And now I am free. Free to practice until 4 and not worry about their wasting a day to mindless electronics.

down time

Flower's family did not walk home until after 10:30, last night. The kids roasted marshmallows in the fireplace, played ping pong and Chinese checkers while parents talked the night away. Belac has definitely matured, and the only quiet stubborn request was that he wanted to sit next to Flower during dinner, which was easy enough. You know what? It is amazing that we are friends despite those very bumpy years with Belac's obsession with Flower. I don't know why, but it always surprises me how the parents seem to like us. When the dad asked us to go cross country skiing with them, I thought he was just being nice. But then he exchanged cell numbers with hubby and texted him today about meeting up at Fahnestock. (We couldn't.) Is it possible that I really don't see Flower and Belac as equals...?

Jake studied upstairs, as I taught. He began tennis clinic, today. 2 x week, 90 minutes at a time, until the end of the school year. There are weekly tournaments he can sign up for in addition. He can run, he can swing a racquet. Even though he is not a competitive spirit, he can hold his own well enough, and we are pushing him. He needs the physical activity in order to focus and organize himself better. And you know what? It would be great if he could get on the tennis team at school, next year.

Family friendships are important. Keeping the longer perspective is important. Life is not a sprint, we are walking the Appalachian Trail. We are doing just fine.

Pistorius, the Ghost Boy

It had been sitting on the coffee table for weeks. In between movements, I picked it up. Big mistake. While mostly sitting at the piano, I couldn't put it down until page 112. Wowee. Is it ever an incredible, emotional, well-told story of resilience.

Woulda shoulda coulda

He should have kept his job. Taken a home equity at 3 percent in order to hire someone to build this thing, and THEN quit his job with something in hand. This is not rocket science. Did he really not realize how hard it is to make money? They loved their dinners out and the travelling all around the world and the lifestyle they lived. I just never thought he'd give up his cushy job, and them to have gone ahead and done it in the sloppiest of ways?

Ugh.

Please don't let them be the types to find themselves losing the roof over their heads, one day. Dream, work your ass off, but they also need an exit strategy.

flower

The plan was to include both Flower and Izzy at Belac's birthday party. The usual. And then Belac worried he'd get stressed out about other boys talking to Flower. Many had admitted to their crushes. So I made a call to Flowers mom and simply mentioned that this year we were going to do an all boys party. I didn't want Flower to misunderstand or feel bad. The mom totally understood.

It's been so long since we've seen you! I know! Let's get together! Do you all want to come to dinner in a couple of weeks? Sure! she had said.

And so tonight Flower and her family come for dinner.

It's kind of mind boggling. Again, I'm grateful for this house that makes having people over easy.