March 24

Belac 3/10

I was in between rehearsals, today, when I received a call from Natalie, the owner of the steal from awhile back.  "Could you still be interested in my house?" she asked. Her buyers were having difficulties getting financing and she was about to put her house back on the market.

What a completely unexpected call.

I next listened to a voice mail from my husband. He wanted to tell me that Chris, the owner of the awkwardly charming house, just replied very warmly to our offer to purchase.

As I tried to get my husband on the line, I realized that despite my using Natalie's house as the measuring stick and even recently telling my husband that I liked Natalie's house better, I felt differently now with the actual choice before me. I honestly had to say that I preferred Chris' awkwardly charming house.

My husband had just a minute to talk. "Gimky, I prefer Chris' house. What about you?"

I really find our choice amusing and surprising. Natalie's house is the easier sell, hands down. It's a straightforward colonial with plenty of curb appeal on a flat, square yard. It has some unique qualities, but fits in nicely with the homogeneous landscape of Sunny Patch. It has fallen into disrepair in the last decade but with some fixing up it could be a grand house, making the purchase an investment opportunity as well as a more predictable resale down the line.

Chris' awkwardly charming house, on the other hand, has a much different personality. It's shy and not easy to get to know unless the sincere intent is there. It sits sideways and has been added onto several times. Approaching the house from town, you see it squarely from behind. It's not exactly an eyesore but the entire back of the house sits just a little too close to the border of the neighbor's property. Approaching from the other direction, a view of the house is obscured by trees and the bend of the street. You could pass this house your whole life and not know more about it. Going up the almost too steep driveway gives you no better sense of what you'll find either. The side looks nondescript. Not until you reach the very top of the driveway do you finally get a good look at the house's face, but you also have to step back onto the neighbor's property to take it all in because you're basically standing on the house's nose at this point. Awww! The house is actually quite charming and interesting looking.

You know? The obvious choice has turned out to not be so obvious. Between the neurotypical house and the autistic house, we actually choose the autistic one. I might even go so far as to say that we prefer this house because of it's quirks, not despite them. If this same house faced forward and displayed itself for all to see, I think we might feel differently. We like how cozy and private this house feels and that it doesn't show off. We like that the lay out is flexible and would nicely accommodate the needs of our family. This house is not an investment, it's a home.

What a rare opportunity I had to go back and eat my words over what I thought I preferred when I couldn't have it. That call from Natalie was a gift. I need to remember this twist of events the next time I wish Belac didn't have his particular set of challenges.

For Belac's sake I wish he weren't on the spectrum.  Life would be so much easier for him if he just had asthma instead, or a limp, or some other relatively benign condition. On a certain level, life would be easier for me, too. Maybe I'd be teaching at a university or performing more in the city or having that career I never quite had.  A recent article about the importance of personal relationships in achieving true happiness got me thinking. Belac's challenges have forced me to be more real and honest with people, more so than I otherwise would have been naturally. I can't hide his autism or pretend it's not there and have had no choice but to deal with it head on. I'd smack anyone who would ever dare say to me what I am about to say. Maybe autism has enriched my life and made it more meaningful than any other life I could have lead. Maybe I have better relationships and my life priorities are less muddy. Maybe I am even happier as a result of the close bonds I was forced to develop. What I am trying to say is. If someone called and gave me the choice, maybe I wouldn't choose anything different afterall.

Mish mash

Jake 3/10

Taking care of just a few logistical things before I leave town. You know, grocery shopping for the family, practicing a few tricky licks, sending off an offer on a house, you know, the usual stuff.

Yes. You heard right, like an offer on a house.

It's really quite surreal. We saw the house on Sunday and took another look last night. After some discussion, my husband and I drafted up a letter and an offer. It was that simple. The kids could walk easily to school from that house, there's a corner for my piano and my husband would have a home office. Most importantly, the price of this house is exactly what we could comfortably afford, and it only landed at this rock bottom price because the owner herself is in financial trouble and needs to get out. Another kind of strange and wonderful thing?  It's next door from Allie. (I love you Allie. Promise me that we'll never ever get into some horrible cat fight with no point of return. I wouldn't be able to bear it, especially as your next door neighbor!)

So there you go. You're the first ones to know. My husband and I haven't had the chance to tell anyone yet. I'm sure people will think we're crazy. They'll say we should have looked at many more houses or waited for prices to fall even more.  Maybe someone will even suggest we could afford more. You know what?  This house is good enough. As my husband said. It seems we could be happy there.

I'll be back after April 4.

To all of my far-flung, faceless friends out there. Thank you for sharing this journey with me and reading, for offering encouragement and humor. I am overflowing with gratitude.

All the best,

Gimky

There

Belac 3/10

My husband and I actually looked at a house on Sunday. Allie's next door neighbor is about to put her house up for sale at an astonishingly discounted price. We had a look and stayed an hour. After a first pass through the house, I really had no idea what I just saw and had to take another look myself. My husband was intrigued. The house was.... awkwardly charming and tastefully dated. It's been added onto several times and sits sideways on a skinny property. It's not a perfect house and not at all like our old house, but it's a perfectly nice house in a good location and surprisingly within our comfortable means.

My husband and I only talked about it hours later. "I think we could be happy there," he commented casually. I paused, did he just use the word happy? Is that all...? After years of calculated risk and weighty, pragmatic decisions this kind of reasoning seemed whimsical, almost laughable. Sweet, too. Oddly familiar and very sweet.

HALLELUJAH!!

 

Though we won't celebrate until after closing, this was a much awaited milestone for us.

Some highlights from this year:

• The house went up for sale, March 1, 2009 - 385 days ago
• We listed with a realtor for 6 months, we had no offers to buy and 2 failed offers to rent
• For the next 7 months, I managed our own MLS, NYTimes and web listings
• We moved away on June 15, 2009, in time to fulfill the residency requirement and for Belac to undergo extensive evaluations by the new school district
• The house will have sat empty for 11 months by our anticipated closing date
• I showed the house at least 12 times per month and conducted 4 open houses
• We dropped the price 6 times and over 100K in 1 year
• We had an empty oil tank, frozen pipes, flooded basement, troubled boiler and a broken expansion tank in the past 3 months

One day, our plumber was in the basement dealing with the flood. He pointed out: you know that you have a gas line to your house and gas piping? If your boiler can't be fixed, you could convert the heating to gas. Really? We were shocked. We had no idea.

The next ads we placed offered a 10K concession to finish the conversion to gas, a real bonus for a 108 year old house.  Suddenly, we had a flood of interest. Within 2 weeks we had our first offer, followed by another offer a week later. We favored and accepted the second offer which was a little more money, had no realtors involved and seemed the surer bet with more down payment on a mortgage. With luck, all will proceed smoothly and we'll close by May 1.

What a year. 

My husband and I are not risk takers but assumed a real risk in doing what we did these past 2 years. We've been walking on a tightrope, first with Belac's private school and then moving the family before selling the house. I thank my lucky stars that my family made it to this day relatively unscathed and - more importantly - still together.  

Hallelujah! 

Almost to contract

Belac 3/10

I had a tense conversation with Greg, yesterday afternoon. I could hear my voice shaking. "I completely hear you," he replied.

I spent 30 minutes with my attorney, yesterday, as she went over the details. She also took the opportunity to show me the packet that Glen's lawyer had sent. It had JUST arrived. She pointed to 4  crooked stamps on the edge of a large envelope as she shook her head in disbelief. "I think she paid almost 4 dollars for delivery...." My God. Glen's lawyer really did send the contract just regular mail, not even registered mail despite the enclosed 10% escrow check. It was an incredible sight.

Additionally, our attorney was appalled about the contract changes she found, specifically additional vague wording about the 10% deposit if Greg defaults. (The wording has since been restored to what was previously agreed.)

I signed and signed. My husband stayed all of literally 30 seconds to autograph before dashing off. The contract is now on its way to Greg's lawyer via FedEx.

Last night, 9:15 PM - Email from Greg: It's almost time to celebrate.

Last night, 9:18 PM - My reply: That's how we feel, too. (We'll exchange lawyer jokes after closing.)

My husband, sitting at my side: No celebration until we close.

Don't we both know it. Anything can happen.

About.to.lose.my.mind

Belac 3/10

10 am - Fed Ex package arrives

11 am - I email attorney: did it arrive?

11:16 am - Attorney email: yes it did, but there are changes in the contract we did not agree to

11:42 am - Attorney email: We are fedexing a new contract to Greg's attorney

11:45 am - I email Greg: Please call immediately.

This is what I will say: I leave on Tuesday until April 4 and have a small window of time to get one of our 2 offers to contract. Greg, we must fully execute this contract with you, tomorrow. This requires that we both physically meet with our lawyers, and hand deliver documents between offices.  This requires that we make no further modifications to the terms we agreed on. If this contract is not fully executed tomorrow, we will be giving our first offer  the opportunity to fully execute a contract by Monday.

The fun and games are over.

You know, I couldn't make up a more ridiculous story if I tried.

Playing

Belac 3/10

Sitting at the house for sale, giving our dog a little time in the backyard, his beloved 'hood. The house looks great, sunny and happy, though the area is a bit like a war zone from the recent storm. Trees are still down, fences are still blown over, and most yards are littered with branches. Our little-house-that-could survived the storm with flying colors. Hallelujah! The landscaping people even came, yesterday, to clean up.  The house sits proudly and basks in its glory. Meanwhile, the For Sale sign snapped in the storm and refuses to stay up. I drove up to find it, again, scattered. I am not going to put this broken thing back up, but I'm also too superstitious to throw it out....

The real reason why I came down, first thing this morning, was to take care of a speeding ticket from a few weeks ago. I drove Belac to a playdate on a Sunday and was running back to the house to meet Greg. I wasn't paying attention and was rushing. I was driving 48 in a 30 mph zone when I was pulled over.  Boy, did I get a lecture. Much to my dismay, I also didn't have my insurance card or proof of registration. It was going to be 6 points at least. "If you want to contest the ticket," the officer informed me, "the courthouse is up the road and you have to show up on the 17th."

Look. I was guilty, what was there to contest? But it's what people do and what people encourage you to do. I wasn't sure and couldn't decide. Send the ticket in and I would be pleading guilty and slapped with points and a huge fine, maybe a hike in my insurance premiums. Show up at the courthouse and I'd have to face the officer to plead my innocence, when we both knew I was guilty. Every time I opened my wallet, I saw my ticket sitting there.  Late last night, my husband and I compiled a list of everything that needed to get done. "Did you pay your ticket?" my husband asked. My face went blank. Ticket...?  SHIT!

So off I was to the courthouse, first thing this morning. I went to the county clerk and explained meekly. "I thought I might... come for my hearing, yesterday... but obviously missed it. So I guess I am here to plead guilty and pay up."

She looked me up and down and took my ticket. "No," she shook her head, "don't do this. We don't punish people for not being able to come to court. Do you have a clean record?"  I didn't know. "I'm going to look you up." She came back. "You have a clean record. Listen. This ticket is going to cost you a lot of points. Come and face the judge. You won't make the ticket go away but you'll get it reduced for sure. Can you come on April 7th?" I nodded. She whispered to me, even though not another person was around, "the judge that morning is quick and you'll be in and out of here in no time. Come at 8:40am and do not be late!"

I didn't know what to say. "You are an angel," I told her.

"Actually, my name is April! Now you have a good day, hon." She waved and turned back to her work.

So that is how I came to be a player.

Holding

Belac 3/10

I rarely - if ever - threaten. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable. I hate making others worry. I am a team player, through and through.

That said, it is on the tippity top of my tongue to tell Greg that if the contract is not here by Friday, we're going with our first offer. (More than anything, I hate waiting and broken promises for sloppy reasons.) The couple from the first offer just wrote to ask how things are going. They wanted to tell me that if our current deal falls through, that they'd be willing to sign a contract with no mortgage contingency. Wow. They really want the house. I bet they could execute a contract with us by Tuesday, when I go out of town....

WAKE UP, GIMKY!

My attorney just forwarded me an email from Greg's attorney, who apologized for only having sent the contract on Monday afternoon. She wrote an unnecessarily long, rambling message about bad weather and an inoperable computer. The attorney's husband apparently took care of sending the package when she was already away on vacation. But are we sure of that? Was the contract Fed Exed? Can the package be tracked? Why wasn't she forthcoming with Greg, her client, who is completely beside himself and  - I believe - more in the dark than we are, at this point?  In the meantime, I have been at our house for sale everyday, before, through and after the storm, and was literally 100 steps from his attorney's home office, each time! Her excuses seem pretty lame and I know what I might do if she were my attorney....

But as much as it might feel good to lash out and make Greg and his attorney panic at the thought that we might go with someone else, in the end, that kind of talk is not productive. It doesn't get Greg to do something that he's already not doing and I do believe that the contract is on its way. Ultimately, my husband and I want the transaction to close with Greg. He is the safer bet with 25% down and we're not dealing with any realtor fees, which is a bonus. So for now, I hold my tongue and make plans to hand deliver new contracts if the package does not arrive today.

Really! I tell myself. We've already waited 381 days, what's another day or two?

What a pain!

Belac 3/10

My shoulder is really bothering me and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have a concert in 2 weeks and I've been practicing more, but I really don't think so. I'm not one to have those kinds of injuries. Maybe it's from carrying all of my instruments 3 times a week... plausible. With the pouring rain and recent blizzards, I've been trying to carry my keyboard, drums, violins and unwieldy bags full of stuff in fewer trips and more quickly from house to car to schools to car to house.  But I wonder, actually, if it's more likely due to stress.  My shoulder aches and I can't rub the pain away. I am waiting up for my husband, who is on his way home from Boston.  I am dying for him to dig his elbow into my shoulder.

Tonight, Greg wrote me an email. Any sign of the contract? Nope. His lawyer ridiculously sent the contract (and 10% check for escrow!) USPS mail and it's c-r-a-w-l-i-n-g to our attorney's office.  Couldn't she afford FedEx? It's also unclear when, exactly, the documents were mailed, although we can  safely assume - at this point - that it wasn't on Friday, maybe not even on Saturday. We are both beyond tearing our hair out over the stupidity of the situation. Greg's lawyer is less than 5 miles away from my lawyer. His lawyer's office is just 2 blocks away from our house. I could have physically taken care of ALL of this on Friday in just a few painless hours!

If the contract appears at our attorney's office, tomorrow, and my pain vanishes after I sign, I'll know. I'll know what I suspect. That I've been carrying the weight of the house on my one shoulder these past weeks.

D.I.Y.

Jake 3/10

Greg, our buyer, and I have been in touch almost everyday for 2 weeks over the contract. My husband and I had to let go of our first offer before having a signed contract in hand from Greg. On Greg's end, his wife is pregnant and wants to be in the house in time. They need to get the mortgage process going ASAP and cannot begin without an executed contract. Keeping in touch regularly has been a way for both of us to reassure each other that we're 'in,' not getting distracted by other offers and options, and working as quickly as possible to get this thing to closing.

By 2 Saturdays ago, we had both submitted everything to our lawyers, including our agreed terms. We expected to go to contract last Monday. The lawyers went back and forth for a day or so, tweaking the terms. Finally Greg had something to sign by Wednesday.  In hindsight, he would have driven the contract up from Manhattan, that night. Instead, he Fed-Exed the contract to his lawyer, who he understood would then hand deliver the documents to our lawyer on Friday morning before leaving town.

On Friday morning, we asked our lawyer to please call us when the contracts arrived. Greg left me 2 voice mail messages, asking us to please, please sign before the end of the day because his lawyer was leaving. We left messages with our lawyer to call us the moment the contracts arrived. We  proceeded to hear nothing.

I was annoyed. Why didn't our lawyer return our call on Friday, at the very least to set up an appointment to sign on Monday? Why did I have to chase her down? On the other hand, to expect our lawyer to drop everything whenever a contract arrived was probably unrealistic. I pushed my simmering grievances away and figured we'd just call her and sign on Monday.

You know what? At 8:30 this Monday morning, our lawyer called to say that she never received the contract from Greg's lawyer. Obviously with no contract in sight, she had had no reason to call us on Friday. (Still, she knew we were waiting and we lost those 2 days to figure out what was going on!)

I immediately alerted Greg, who was restrainingly livid. "I am going to have a few words with my attorney and find out where that contract is." That is, I didn't say, if you can reach her on vacation. Meanwhile, my husband leaves for Boston at 4:30am, tomorrow.  Next week, I leave for Boston for rehearsals and a concert.  We won't be home until April 4, after the school break.

I swear. Whether it's a realtor, a lawyer, anyone...! You really can't expect people to do their job properly, even if you're paying them. People always have perfectly good reasons to justify cutting corners, doing sloppy work, and not making you a priority, and you still have to write them a huge check most of the time. This is why I  so often end up doing things myself when I can. For all the babysitting that needs to happen, sometimes you're just better off taking matters into your own hands. Trust no one.

For heaven's sake, already. Will this ever, ever happen?

Good night

Belac 2/10

It's a little after 10 and everyone is in bed. I am not sleepy. I want to take a very hot bath but know that I can't. The water at night is always lukewarm. Maybe we're on energy saving mode at certain times, I don't know. I miss my baths.

So what to do instead? Hmmm... anything salty in the house? No. I already checked. Should I pour myself something? Not really in the mood.  Laundry done, bills paid, nothing new on FB, browsed the NYT... it's too late to practice. So here I am, twirling my thumbs. I guess I should go and try to sleep.

Good night kittens...  Good night mittens...

Good night comb and good night brush.

Good night nobody...   Good night mush...

And goodnight to the old lady whispering hush.

Good night stars...  Good night air...

Good night noises everywhere.

Testing the waters

Jake 10/09

Allie, my Sunny Patch friend, just told me that her next door neighbor is putting her house up for sale. It's a distress sale. Apparently her neighbor is in serious financial trouble.

"How much?" I asked. I was astonished. No way!

It really doesn't make sense at all. Is the house about to collapse or something? Does a new foundation need to be poured? Are there a dozen liens on the house? I guess there's only one way to find out.  And here I go, allowing myself to again be pulled in from the sidelines. 

Come on, c'mon, c'mon...

Belac 1/10

About to leave the house to check on Regina. It's a minimum 3 hour trip that can easily be cut short if my attorney calls me to come sign the contract. But she needs to call me before 2:30, or it's not going to happen today.... 

My boys have been looking forward to this Friday afternoon, all weeklong. Belac was miraculously invited to a 'typical' kid's house for a playdate, afterschool! He's never been invited to a typical kid's house by himself. He's always been a kind of 'tag along' of Jake or me or his dad. So we have been preparing and talking about what it means to be a 'big' boy at someone else's house, every single day for a week. I cautiously spoke to this child's mother, last night, casually making a few suggestions about being very directive with Belac. And Jake is so excited that his new friend Luke is coming over for a play date! Not only does he have a few hours with a kid he really likes, but his brother will not be around to disturb them. 

For very different reasons, my boys both have social needs. This afternoon is so important to both of them. They both lept out of bed, this morning, talking about their after school plans. I would have cancelled ANYTHING all week long, any class or lesson or practice.... I have been - essentially - on call since Monday morning, ready to drop anything to head over to the lawyer's office. Of course, it's coming down to this very Friday afternoon, the afternoon before the buyer's lawyer leaves on vacation tomorrow morning. And. Believe it or not, as much as I want to sell the house and get this deal finally into contract, I can't cancel my boys' Friday plans. I can't. Belac being invited to this kid's house, Jake having his 2nd play date of the entire year with a boy he likes... Well, we've been waiting for this Friday to come for a very long time, too. In all respects, we've been waiting for this much longer than anything, including the sale of that house. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but if I end up having to choose, the house will have to wait until Monday.

Belac Does Not Like Hebrew School

Belac 11/09

A few notes:

We withdrew Belac from the local Hebrew School in November. I had hired a highschool kid to shadow him, but it really wasn't working. He exhibited all sorts of disruptive behaviors, including the ones he wrote about here. We are going to try a special needs religious school, next year.

As for the book, it made me laugh privately to see that someone's 'picture' that he had ripped, was actually a sheet that read "Welcome to Hebrew School." The child next to him had an unhappy face, Belac knew he should not have ripped the child's paper. 

I recognize the frown face Belac drew, he adopted it from a school lesson about poison. 

Pretending to play DS, he first drew a happy face, because it makes him happy. But it was erased and made to be an unhappy, frown face because he was doing this out of anger and in an effort to be 'bad.'

Also, in one of the last pages, he wrote about talking about Mario Kart, something we try to limit. Only recently did he clarify to me that he was the stick figure with the bulging eyes on that page, I always thought that was how he saw me. Goes to show you how alert and happy he sees himself when he's talking about Mario Kart. By purposely talking about Mario Kart, when I picked him up, I really believe he was trying to get me to be upset with him and share in the his unpleasant experience of Hebrew School.

Needless to say, this was one of my favorite books of his. It was a little window into his mind. "Mommy, I can't stand being here," he was - in essence - telling me, "the teachers are undynamic and don't understand me at all, the subject seems pointless, and I am going crazy having to try to sit still for 2 hours after a long day of already trying to keep it together at school!"

So this is how we came to replace Hebrew School with a special needs karate class on Tuesdays.

Closing a chapter, trying to

 

Bear Mountain 3/10

I'm hoping the contracts will be executed today. If the contracts are signed, today, we will know for sure in 20 days if our buyers can and will really get a mortgage.

As my husband kissed me goodbye this morning, he told me "I'll be emotional when the house finally closes." I was surprised. "Because you'll be sad?" I asked. "What do you think?" was his answer.

My husband has been so busy and preoccupied by work, these past 2 years. His company reduced their corporate offices by 40% during that time. No one has had job security. Pile on a $50,000 year of private school for Belac, followed by a year of carrying 2 homes, and I think it's safe to say that it's been overwhelming. It's safe to say that the physical and emotional pressure of meeting these kinds of expenses has worn on my husband. For sure, he'll be more than happy to stop writing the huge checks for an empty house we don't live in.  But the sadness he alludes to, I think, is not really about the house. It's about letting go of that time when everything seemed possible.

I, on the other hand, have been actively selling the house since September, visiting it a dozen times a month and retelling our memories there, over and over. It was both a blessing and a curse to be the realtor of my own house.  But for me, every time I opened its doors, I took another step in moving on.  Our house became the house-with-a-hill, to the house, and now, finally, that house. Showing that house was a real part of my grieving process. To the extent, now, that when we finally close, I will be jumping for joy, not crying and no longer looking back. With a little time and room to breathe, my husband will get there, too.

Waiting to be in contract

Belac 3/10

I'm great! I'm fine! I smile, I laugh.

Meanwhile, Sunday night, I had a nightmare that Belac was tortured by the people of the first offer, in an attempt to get us to sell to them. (We're going with the 2nd offer.) My husband also had a sleepless night and was up by 3am. We really want to go to contract, like yesterday.

Then came Monday, back to behaving like everything is fine. No problem! We're just waiting for the contracts to complete. We'll likely have signed contracts in a few days. Last night, my husband drove off to Boston, where he oversees a team. "Get a good night sleep!" he teased, knowing that I usually sleep better when he's not snoring in my ear.

But last night, I dreamed I was stuck in the back of a bus with an old friend. I hadn't seen her since our Juilliard days and it was supposed to be a happy reunion. Instead, she shook her head and frowned at me.  "You're doing WHAT for your son? You paid WHAT? You sold your HOUSE??" No matter what I said, no matter how I reasoned, she was incredulous, disbelieving and skeptical. I felt terrible that she couldn't understand why we did the things we did and knew our friendship was over. Was I ever glad to wake up!

I know quite a few people who have bought first homes recently. They are so excited and happy.  I remember that feeling well! It's this "and they lived happily ever after...." kind of thing. We had 7 blissful months in our house, when we didn't know that anything was amiss with Belac. By the end of our first year, though, we had an inkling that we might not last in the house.

So here we are in Sunny Patch and don't I know how lucky we are. But as we sign off on our house for sale and look forward, I'm not really convinced about owning anymore. Home ownership was supposed to be wealth building. But it didn't happen that way for us and we lost a lot of money. Good for all of those who are taking advantage of the buyer's market and mushy prices. But my husband and I are not like most people and we've lost our confidence.  Someone always loses in the game of odds and we don't want to play anymore. 1 in 160, they say. 1 in 99 boys, claims another. Prices were always supposed to go up, at the very least, a picture perfect house on a train line should not have trouble selling....

My husband and I could not agree more. Let's just rent.

The Case of the Missing Golden

Belac 2/10

One is silver and the other is gold...

Belac 3/10

It was an unusually busy weekend filled with new and old friends. 

We took one of our favorite hikes up Bear Mountain with the kids on Saturday, hanging out at the top over chocolate milk and pretzels. That evening, my husband and I had dinner at a quaint, Italian restaurant with some gregarious friends. As usual, there was a least one embarrassing, attention-getting spectacle from one of them. Our babysitter and next-door neighbor, who my boys love, came for a few hours.

We also had Allie and her family over for brunch, yesterday. It seriously feels like we've been friends forever. Later, we moseyed around Swan Lake with Belac's old classmate. We bumped into another child from Belac's new school and we were suddenly, and wonderfully, 3 families with their dogs, out on a gorgeous day. And then, our weekend closed with a bang. We had dinner with Jake's old classmates and their families. Jake was thrilled to be hanging out with his old friends and I loved the hearty banter among the parents over real estate, politics, medicine and kids. 

On the eve of going to contract on our house for sale, (please God, let this happen today!), it's nice to be reminded that it's just a house that we're letting go of.  It's just a house.

Showing number 1,592,076....

Belac 3/10

I JUST came home from another showing. Please. Will this never end? With no contract yet from the second offer, extreme pressure from the first offer to go to contract, and now ANOTHER apparently poised to make an offer, the situation has become ridiculous.

On the way home, a realtor called me. "Is the house still available? Because I'd like to show it to my client on Sunday." 

I paused. My God. More showings...? What choice do I really have with no contract in hand.

"Yes," I replied with as much cheer as I could muster, "I have time on Sunday morning. Will that work for you?"

You'd-never-know kind of day

Belac's Aide 3/10

The school my boys attend is quite focused on the Arts. There is a "Little Theater" at school, where every class puts on a play with music each year. This morning, Belac's class put on a 35-minute performance of "How Does Your Garden Grow?"  He was cast as the Narrator. 

The class has been practicing for months. We've had the song CD running almost daily at home. During this time, the communication journal also routinely reported that Belac was not singing or barely singing in rehearsals. It was hard for him to sit through and follow during practice. In an attempt to get him to loosen up, recently, I cranked up the music at home and sang along at the top my lungs. He mostly refused to participate. A couple days ago, my husband, Jake and I, spontaneously got up in the middle of dinner and sang our hearts out to the CD with huge gestures, as Belac reluctantly mumbled along.

Then yesterday, it was reported to us that Belac was actually singing and moving a little on stage. What happened? they wanted to know. During the dress rehearsal, he apparently rose to the occasion. "Let's hope for a repeat performance tomorrow," his Aide told me, as she crossed her fingers for me to see.

I told my husband that it would be whatever it was. I always brace myself for such class presentations, when it is so easy to compare or be disappointed. Last year, during Belac's kindergarten show at his old school, I silently sobbed through the whole thing. Someone from behind me put their hand on my shoulder. My son stood and did not participate. He needed to be prompted for everything and still would not perform. He didn't dance, he didn't sing, he didn't smile, and he needed his teacher to hold his hand the entire time or he would have surely escaped the stage. His partner was his teacher in a sea of happy, independent kids. Parents were taking videos and smiling from ear to ear, the kids were showing off and wallowing in all the attention, and then there was my son, sticking out like a sore thumb and just standing. Though I managed to get myself together for the after-party, it was really hard. "Just be glad he stayed on stage the entire time," a mom told me. Like I said, it was really hard.

So I have to tell you what happened, this morning. We were in the Little Theater, my husband, Jake and I, with about 50 other parents and family members. Just as the lights dimmed, my husband turned to me and said "it's going to be whatever it is, okay?" The stage light went on and the audience hushed. First thing, Belac came running onto stage by himself, in his little suit and tie, and planted himself on the X. He smiled. "Welcome to our class play..." he began, as he looked at his feet and spoke hurriedly through a few short sentences about the story. "So sit back and enjoy the show!" he proclaimed. The music immediately started, the curtain opened to an entire class of kids, and he joined right in to the raucous singing of "Hoe Down." I couldn't help myself. I was teary, then crying, more like bawling, in a Niagra Falls kind of way.

Belac sang quietly with every song, missing a few lines here and there, but I watched his mouth and noticed they were the right words. He did some of the hand motions, sometimes with a slight delay, and looked at the audience in a happy kind of amused way when they clapped. He stood up and sat down, right in time with the other kids, and he sat quietly as the kids recited their lines. At one point, he was paired up with another little boy - assigned to be his helper for a particular song - and they dosey-doed  into the audience. Belac performed with very minimal assistance and gave his aide no reason to emerge from backstage. It was an incredible, breath-taking accomplishment for Belac. In light of his kindergarten experience, I never dared to dream he could accomplish any of this just 1 year later.

At the cast party, his challenges were more apparent. Parents complimented him and he barely looked at them and did not answer. His teacher went over to talk to him, and instead of answering questions, he recited lines of the show. "I know that you know the words to the play," she reassured him as she leaned over and tried to lock eyes with him, "but I just want to tell you that I'm very proud of you. Do you think you did a good job, today?" He wouldn't or couldn't engage. It's baby steps with him. But nothing could dampen the joy and pride I felt over his performance and the progress he's made. 

One of the moms told me at the cast party, "Belac did amazingly well, today. You'd never know...." What? I wanted to ask her.

That's the strange thing about autism. For a kid like Jake, it's not exactly the best compliment to simply be like everyone else. But for Belac, flying under the radar and managing to appear normal is the obvious goal, making a vague statement like 'you'd never know' the ultimate compliment.

Goals

Belac 3/10

Today, Ella called me to tell me that she's expanding her studio and renting a store front in Manhattan! I am completely thrilled for her. She is one of the most talented and generous people I know and this is really exciting and well-deserved. As scared as she is, I am absolutely convinced she can make it. She teaches cello and early childhood music and is sought-after, all over the Upper Westside. She has so much positive energy, she has amazing people skills and she is just so talented. Go, go, Ella!

Meanwhile, I felt like quite the broken record. The house, the house, the house.... I told my husband, tonight: 'I'm not thinking about what I am supposed to be doing or about my career, I'm not practicing properly for a concert I have in Boston in a few weeks, I'm just thinking about the house all of the time and how to sell it. All this wasted time on THE HOUSE.'

He paused and took a good look at me. "I don't think it was wasted time for you, Gimky. Hard as it's been, you grew incredibly, this year, and you have been amazing. You have been truly amazing," he repeated, as he went on to elaborate. 

Given that he knows, all to well, the many not-so-great things about me and that I can be a total piece of work and that the road has been hard for us despite any of my efforts, I think it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Update

Belac 3/10

It is looking more like the 2nd offer will happen. At least we know that we prefer this offer. The loan would be a traditional loan with 25% down and no FHA involvement. What's more, we like the interactions we've had with this couple. They came without a realtor and our discussions have been straightforward and productive. They understand the urgency of our situation and have been working quickly and efficiently towards contract.

They stayed for an hour and brought their son in their first visit to the house. Because they came without a realtor, there was an openness in our dialogue. Their boy pushed around a car in the backyard as we chatted.  I showed them the trees he could climb, how the swing worked, and where the sled had to be positioned on the hill for the longest run. Inside, their boy banged on the toy piano and I showed the parents where I used to have the security gates. They asked about the nursery school around the corner and told me about their very good friends in the neighborhood. They asked about why we moved. I disclosed that Belac has special educational needs and we left for a school.

Contrast these interactions with our 1st offer. I really don't know a thing about that couple except what they do for a living. Both times they visited, the realtor shielded them from me. In fact, she really didn't want me showing her clients around or interacting with them. With hardly any contact with the buyers, it's not clear to me what it is about the house that appeals to them or why they chose this town. I do know that their 1st offer was so low, that it was borderline offensive, and even the realtor apologized in advance for the low number. Then the realtor, when things were kind of stuck, told me they could find a house in a more desirable neighborhood at this price. Of course!  I certainly know that there's always something cheaper... Then she kept telling me that she knew I must be emotional selling my own house.  I had to hold my tongue each and every time she opened her mouth. She definitely wasn't playing smart. You don't get someone on your side and happily working with you by undermining their efforts or their house. The realtor had really not helped to facilitate a good working relationship.

Now this same realtor calls several times a day. She is very worried about this second offer and piling on the reassurances. The thing is, this realtor doesn't know how to stop talking. I know she's just nervous, but she's not saying anything substantial and I've tuned out.  "Susan," I told her, last night, "our house has been on the market for an entire year and we've been carrying 2 properties since June. The responsible thing for us to do is to investigate both of these offers before going to contract with one of them. We just need a day or two to let you know how we want to proceed and I promise you we won't drag this out."

The interesting thing is, if her couple had written us a letter or somehow informed us why they really wanted the house, we might have actually stopped and listened. I am a softie, my husband is sometimes a softie, and listen, we bought this house with just 10% down, too. This couple's offer also came in one week earlier than the other and so they were really ahead of the game in many respects. Maybe with more personal attachment to the first buyers, we would have then adopted a more 'whatever' kind of attitude with the 2nd couple and simply gone with the 1st. Instead, the realtor made the misstep of directing us to the 1st couple's mortgage broker who was supposed to reassure us, but instead just gave us more doubts. She boasted of her 30 million dollar portfolio, but couldn't say that she had closed on a mortgage in the last 6 months with just 10% down, much less an FHA loan during that time. Still, we were supposed to rest assured and this mortgage was 'definitely' going to happen. Well, if everyone is so convinced beyond a doubt that the 1st couple can get financing, why not just eliminate the mortgage contingency altogether?

So tomorrow morning is the 2nd couple's inspection. I went to check on the house, tonight, and dust the window sills. I just hope it goes well and that it can happen with this second couple.

What a trip

Back cover of Jake's book 1/10

The 3rd graders of Jake's school took a walking field trip, yesterday, to a film school in town.  I went along as a chaperone. Jake and I led our group. He skipped along next to me, his mouth still messy with chocolate from the cupcakes he shared with his class. He was happy.

It was a great 2 hours. The kids sat in their own screening room and watched 2 short films. One was just a minute long, which they watched several times. The moderator facilitated discussion among the kids by asking a lot of open and closed-ended questions. The other was a 5 minute film and was a little like a puzzle that had to be figured out with each viewing.

Jake and I sat in the front row. 3 rows up sat Zach, a kid in Jake's class, and his aide. Every now and then I heard Zach scripting. Every time, I heard his aide shushing him. No one paid any attention to it. The class had learned to ignore it.

Afterwards, we went to a studio, where the kids broke up into small groups for activities. The entire time, Zach was whimpering and wailing from the other side of the room. I was distracted by it and could feel my body tense, even though I knew Zach was fine and his Aide was dealing with it, and even though I, too, have a child that doesn't always behave properly. The rest of the kids just continued on as usual. Jake's small group leader was obviously concerned and kept looking over at Zach's group. At which point, one of the boys from our group looked at her and said "It's okay, he sometimes does that." "You're used to it?" the group leader asked. He nodded, "we're used to it."

At the end of the activity, each group of 6 kids presented a 'short' film they had written. Someone had the first idea and held up their drawing, followed by someone reading their 2nd corresponding idea and showing their drawing, etc. I was so impressed, it was just brilliant what these kids did.

Towards the end of the presentation, Zach's group got up. His Aide stood next to him, she held a ziploc of something red, no doubt 'edible incentives.' He was 4th in line of 6. When it was his turn, we waited an extra moment for her to instruct him several times to focus and read his sentence, which he finally did before loudly letting out a wail/grunt. No one, I mean NO ONE reacted. The next kid continued on as if nothing happened. As they sat down, I noticed the Aide giving Zach a piece of fruit roll up.

First of all, it's amazing how the kids are living with Zach, everyday. They have learned not to laugh at him and how to live with him. It means a lot to me that the school has made accommodations for a smart kid like Zach to be in a typical classroom. It means a lot to me that these 3rd graders seemed kind about it, at least they weren't being overtly mean.  On the other hand, it made my heart sink to see that bag.  

In the beginning days, when we started with ABA, Belac's bag had mini M & Ms.  You know, at the same time, I trained my dog with little meat treats. I love my son, quirks and all. I would do almost anything for him. But I hate this particular obscene display of disconnect, which always makes me intensely sad. That the dangling of a little M&M or a piece of fruit roll up can get a kid to behave properly, sometimes more effectively than a mom's approving smile, the kids clapping, and some other internal desire to please or fit in.

Happy Birthday Jake!

Jake 2/10

My baby is turning 9 tomorrow and it makes me a little verklempt. It feels just like yesterday that my husband and I were walking around Boston, waiting for Jake to come. I still remember his birth like it was yesterday. The way he cried, how curly his hair was, and how completely precious he was, curled up in my arms. He arrived during a snowstorm and we were cocooned up in the hospital, the three of us for 3 nights.

Fast forward to today. We just had a major snowstorm, this weekend. On Saturday night, my husband told Jake that we probably have a buyer for the house. Jake asked if we could keep the house and move back.... Then Jake's birthday party was canceled, yesterday, due to continued power outages at the party facility.  This was the party where I invited all the boys from his class and his old school. The only date they could give us was now 8 weeks away. This was heart-breaking for me,  though Jake seemed to take it in stride. We discussed the options. We might do a sleepover instead, just a few boys.... In the meantime, my husband and Jake had some 'special' time and went sledding by themselves followed by lunch at a restaurant. At the end of the day, we all came together, played on the Wii, had a huge meal of all the things Jake liked to eat and ice cream cake.

As I brought Jake his cake with his 10 glowing candles, I saw him grinning from ear to ear and laughing over something my husband had just said. I wanted to just cry. I am so lucky for this sweet, darling boy.