Little sis

She was whiny and weepy, I could hear. Are you awake? He was. Are you going to mind driving little sis? Because I think it's better if I stay here in case little one keeps crying.

I entered the darkened bedroom to see little Sis kissing littlest girl. Patting her. Auntie Gimky is here, do you want to sleep with her?  Shaking of head. I will be back soon, okay? Little sis kissed her and patted her back. She became quiet. Go, I told little sis as I took over the patting, don't prolong.

Thank you, she whispered. I heard hubby's car start and the mudroom door close firmly. I don't know how she does it with everything she has to do. The girls are clearly attached to her, as she is to them. She is such a good mommy.

Embrace

Cancelled all but one class and all my lessons by email.

Only a pull up at night, sis told me. And whenever you get in a car, she has to pee first.

2nd one will be fine as long as she is with 1st. But 3rd one, is she going to have problems in the morning to see you are gone? Sis nodded, prepare yourself.

I am wired. I had the busiest of days, today, preparing for today by doing everything I could do in advance of the bar mitzvah on this one day.

We host a dinner for 30 on Friday. There are services that night Belac leads. My friend who lives next door to the synagogue offered her attic she described to me. I nodded politely and listened. Yes, I've been in that attic with bathroom. That was Natalie's house that we tried to buy. I cancelled our hotel res and breathed a sigh of relief! We will be just next door to where we need to be, both Friday and Saturday.

Someone loaned me a crib, another a stroller, 3 car seats, and Kati and I switched cars and I now have her van. Another is coming to help me set up dinner and still another is picking up and delivering sodas and seltzer for kiddish. I have great friends. 5 moms will read a prayer for peace at Belac's bar mitzvah, 5 women who love Belac and have been positive forces in his life. How lucky we are for our great friends. And how fiercely my sisters and I are devoted to each other. We will get through these days and I will embrace everyday, craziness and all.

It's one and I have to sign off. In 4 hours I'm up again.

helping

Home after a hellacious drive to and from Newark. The trucks, the closed lanes, the not knowing where I was going and just not seeing all that well. I am a bad nighttime driver... Did Mom even talk to big sis? No, was all little sis could say.

Just tried to call a cab for my sister to no avail. Setting my alarm for 5am and bringing her at 5:15, letting hubby sleep. This is just crazy. Bringing the sleeping girls in, the baby of them cried for awhile. Belac came out of bed to greet us. I realize just how much responsibility this is, taking care of 5 kids, days before a bar mitzvah that we all need to be well rested and reviewing for, hwk and stuff for both kids and a house that needs to be in minimal order when people come on Friday to stay. We have 140 people RSVPed for the bar mitzvah! Practically no one declined. Not complaining. I am happy to help my sisters and cherish everyday. But this is pretty crazy.

craziness

Exhausted. Taking a 20 minute nap before heading to Newark to pick up sister with girls. And then hubby takes her directly to the airport at 5am to continue onto DC. Two years ago, she could have left her girls with my mom, and they would have all flown together on Friday. Those days are now history. What craziness.

first day back to school

Hubby and Jake in a running car waiting. Mom? he stood with hand on door but turned towards me, sometimes I just can't concentrate and I'm thinking about other stuff. I know, I told him, it's your challenge! But if you can redirect yourself, tell yourself: I'm really going to try to pay attention, it will make things easier and I think it's worth the effort, hard as it is. People won't need to repeat themselves, you can learn something the first time, and certain things like homework will go by more quickly.... It's just that I can't help it, sometimes! I know, I told him, but if you keep making the effort, it will get better, okay? You're training your brain! I kissed and then nudged him out the door. Your concentration is getting better all of the time and you're doing very well. I am really proud of you! Have a good day, sweetie pie! Think positively! He turned to me, halfway to the car, okay, thanks mom.

I took a deep breath of the crisp morning air and hung out at our screen door in pjs. I blew kisses at all of them. The sun was shining through the trees in a certain way and it occurred to me I might one day look back at this moment wistfully.

Also in the midst of having so many visitors to the house, whether my BIL's family and now my sister's, a party for Izzy with a bunch of teenagers, soon 3 families on Friday... I am fully aware how we lucked out with this house. For the size and even it's fixer up condition at the time, we paid below market price and that's how we could end up here. In another market, it would not have happened. The house allows for a certain lifestyle and it's like we won the lottery.

The kids had gotten downstairs, this morning, showered and dressed by 7am. A miracle! Everyone ate breakfast leisurely and meticulously packed bags. Now a gazillion things to do, although we had the wherewithal to file an extension on our taxes this morning. I did not protest hubby's executive decision, knowing fully the hang up is with me and accounting for my business expenses and income from half a dozen places. Thank God the kids are back in school!

busy

Amazing week end with BIL and his cute family, spent almost entirely outside.

Bar Mitzvah dress rehearsal. It went well.

Amazing reunion with Izzy. Friday night dinner and Easter Sunday brunch afternoon at theirs.

Little Sister in a very problematic situation. Kids being flown here on Tuesday night and I will take care of girls until everyone arrives on Friday. It's a lot for me, but even more for her. I hope she makes it to the bar mitzvah.... Ugh, I don't even know what to think. Big Sister hopefully okay. She begins radiation the day before Belac's bar mitzvah and on the day hopefully both of them can travel to NY together.

Announcement of another offer from Chinese company, this morning. It's an all out bidding war.

Scramble with caterer, speeches, program, shopping, setting up the house for the religious folk and packing to move to the hotel... last minute stuff, of which there is a lot. And now off to pick up the kids' suits from the tailor. We are an hour off schedule. On this day of no school, we have a party for Izzy at the house with her school friends, this afternoon

Not a dull moment these days. It's all good and okay, and hopefully we will not be dealt with anything we can't handle.

just a reminder

Little Sis at 8:24 AM to Cousins, Mom and Me:

Just a reminder that Big Sis' surgery is today at 1:30. She should be out by dinner time. She starts radiation treatment a few weeks later

ME: Thanks for keeping us posted! It is so great you are there to support her.

BIG COUSIN: Thanks. When I talked to her she still didn't have a surgery date. I will definitely call her tonight.

It's 5:30AM where MIDDLE COUSIN is, otherwise I am sure she would have responded as well.

I would not dare ask, but I wonder if my mom has even spoken to my sister. At all. I doubt it. Imagine. You daughter is going under a knife, and you are unable to wish her well, even given all of these opportunities? Unable to say, I love you and hope this procedure turns up nothing you can't handle and beat? To her nothing but good to the core and stable, dutiful daughter...?

Last night, my mother was cc'ed on texts, where I told little sis to buy a round of drinks on hubby and me when they went out to a bar. And that I'd go in on flowers for her, too. Did my mom offer anything? Chip in, which would have been the easiest thing to do if she couldn't say anything? No. 

It is the strangest, saddest thing I have ever witnessed.  It makes me realize just how ill she is, that she is unable to express warmth and love to her daughter, or even simply acknowledge or understand her daughter's new circumstances; that the child who made her a mother - a role that gave her life purpose and meaning - is now fighting cancer. 

sisters

No sooner had I friended her on Facebook and had another light hearted exchange over some dog video I had posted, I received this email:

FROM: MOM
TO: Middle Sis, Little Sis
SUBJECT: Just asking
March 24, 2016 at 9:47PM

Can you answer a very simple question:
Before this just remember this is MY generation problems not yours. 
When I am out of this family which one of you willing to devote your life to taking care of dad?

Me: OMG I friend mom and she can't help but go crazy on us right away
Little Sis: what happened?
Me: look at your email
Me: at least she doesn't put big sis on there

FROM: Middle Sis
TO: MOM, Little Sis
SUBJECT: RE: Just asking
March 24, 2016 at 9:49PM

me, no problem!

Little sis: OMG, seriously?? Dad just got off the phone with big sis about her Sx
Little sis: I would hope this would teach mom to think about someone other than herself, but no

FROM: Middle Sis
TO: Big Sis, Big Sis Hubby, Little Sis, Little Sis Hubby, Hubby, Mom, Dad
SUBJECT: Good Luck
March 24, 2016 at 9:56PM

Hi Big Sis and Hubby,

Hoping the procedure goes smoothly and well tomorrow and sending you all good wishes. We love you and look forward to seeing you soon!

xx Gimky and hubby and the boys


FROM: Big Sis
REPLY ALL: Good Luck
March 24, 2016 at 10:17PM

Thanks! We will let everyone know how it goes. My procedure is in the afternoon and we expect that I'll leave just in time for a light dinner.

Love, Big Sis

Purim

Came home from playing a fun Purim celebration, that included sushi and wine and lots of schmoozing. What a huge turn out. Family walking home in costume. We look crazy, Jake had said earlier, walking in this mostly non Jewish neighborhood. Hubby had his Gandalf costume on, I wore a huge wig of green fluorescent, glow in the dark hair. I shrugged, Sunny Patch is safe, people will just honk - and hopefully not pull out a gun, I didn't say.

Little sister texted. Just landed, big sister picking me up. I got home and face timed them on their drive home and then said hello to Paul when they arrived. It was all just small talk, and big sis was mostly focused on driving and said little.

Even later, my mom sent me an attachment for a dog carrier. I would never buy such a thing, but I appreciated the effort after months of silence. We had a few exchanges about this carrier I said I would look into and how she and my dad will get to the hotel from airport. First thing this morning, I sent my mom a FB friend request, we will see if she accepts. And still later this  morning, little sis texted both my mom and me that Big sis' surgery is tomorrow. What did my mom know? What had my dad told her...? What time? I replied all.

Good thing little sis is there, otherwise we would know little. That's just the way it is with big sis. No drama, no complaining. I wonder what my mom thinks about that, she could have easily been told nothing and left to be focused on - and trying to get others to focus on - her own pain and hard luck. I hope everything turns out fine for my dear, big sis. 

Movie

Just viewed the last couple minutes of Belac's 8 minute photo/video montage that he's been working on for weeks. He showed me from the final crescendo, dramatic music and all with Izzy and him sharing a swing, his telling a secret to Flower, and his core friends singing him happy birthday. It made me cry. He is so talented at telling a story and has clearly had an amazing life. I love that his - and the story he tells about it - is about family and love and friendships and how lucky he is. For someone who has been anxious about his life and fitting in, this is incredible. So beautiful and breath taking, from someone who has had real ups and downs. Amazing, totally amazing!

staycation

Jake making cookies. Belac eating ramen in prep of a work morning before heading to friend's. Everyday this break, we've been together. Whether it was volunteering at Kids Kloset and organizing clothes, Belac's tutoring session and meeting with the Rabbi, Jake's eye appointment, shopping for food, eating out.... There's down time and yet we are all focused on the lots to get done. I love and appreciate this time.

Belac's main projects this week have been finishing his video montage and writing his devar torah. For the past weeks, hubby and I have spent hours discussing and reading his torah portion. It was a huge project for all because hubby and I refused to write his speech for him or tell him what to say, only butting in to help him clarify or organize his thoughts more clearly, or prod him ahead when he was stuck. We feel it is imperative that this speech be in his own voice. It's been both an amazing and excruciatingly challenging process, but he did it. His idea was fantastic and his speech sounds like he wrote it.

Finally, yesterday, I helped him scaffold his thank yous. He listed all of the people he wanted to thank, and I suggested that he say one little line to each person about how they helped him. I later emailed his first draft to hubby including the new thank yous. Gimky, he wrote back, the thank yous made me want to cry! I could only agree. Belac wrote:

I want to thank the following people who helped me prepare for my bar mitzvah: TUTOR for helping me with my readings, RABBI for helping me prepare for my bar mitzvah, TEACHER for all of the art projects and making Hebrew School fun, and PRINCIPAL for believing in me. 

I also want to thank the following people in my daily life: MY FRIENDS for keeping me going and making me want to go to Hebrew School, MY FAMILY who came from far away places like California, Michigan, Toronto, Washington DC, and Montreal. Thank you for always supporting me. MY BROTHER Jake, for being a great brother. And mostly, MY MOM AND DAD for helping me throughout my whole life. I couldn't have done this without all of you guys. Thank You.

Shabbat Shalom.

I was dying last night, at bed time. I kissed Belac in the dark. Mom? It is so bad Izzy was gone, this year. Why did she have to go? And if she comes to my Bar Mitzvah, I really want her to stay longer, after, okay? Because I kind of want her to myself.

Belac, did she tell you that she's coming? Well, no. Okay, because in case she doesn't come, I don't want you to be disappointed. I don't want you getting your hopes up... Mom, I'm not getting my hopes up, but I was just saying IF she comes....

Now remember, these next days are going to be A LOT of work, okay? Get everything done by Friday. EVERYTHING, okay? It's really important. I told you I have a surprise for you, and in order to really enjoy it, you need to work hard and finish EVERYTHING this week. Including that huge math packet due next Friday.

Mom, is this surprise more expensive than the Wii U? Yes. Is it bigger than the Wii U? Yes. I don't understand why I will only have it for like one week! Well, you'll have to see, I told him with a huge smile on my face and kissed him. He was now laughing with curiosity and anticipation.

I have bit my tongue and not said a word. On Friday, he will be able to add a line in his thank yous. A friend, his best friend -actually - is flying in from Hungary just to celebrate his big day with him. Dear, dear Izzy, who has appeared now multiple times in his montage video in the funniest of scenes. He is going to freak out with happiness when she arrives this Friday night.

Checking in

I had texted friend about new developments with hubby's work and heard nothing all day.

8pm tonight: she's in the hospital again.

Oh god.

Can you make sure other daughter is okay? Hubby out of town.

Of course.

Hanushka, I wrote, can I bring you dinner? Mom - as you probably know - will be late.

I'm okay, thank you.

Okay, but you know your family is my family and if there is anything you need, call or text me, okay? No matter how late it is or how little it seems.

Hanush and I have a chummy relationship. She's called me for rides to work at the pool. We have texted occasionally over funny things and I once did an English assignment for her after she begged me for days - I wrote a poem - and we had a huge, hilarious laugh when her teacher gave me a 92 percent for my creation, taking off points because I didn't develop my idea more! I should have gotten an A plus!! It was supposed to be our little secret but then her mom found out but it was okay...  These are interactions that have been good. This girl. I feel for her. She has told her mom she feels no one is paying attention to her. With her older sister wreaking havoc, her little sister away with her grandparents - so no easy compadre, her father gone days at a time, week after week, and my friend with her long work hours 2-3 days a week, 8am - 8pm.

Friend promised to call me when she left the hospital no matter how late it is. It's 10:30.

Ugh. I feel for all of them. I cannot imagine takings child to the hospital like this, over and over.

Hanushka, do you want to come spend the night?

Waiting to hear back.

asset

You know, hubby, I pointed out, excitedly, we could even bust into the garage later if my studio becomes that much bigger and grows!!

You know, sweetie, he replied kissing me goodbye, the severance is meant to be saved so I can look for a job.

I laughed, okay, after you get a new job then, I sort of taunted him.

We have the best terms on our mortgage, there's not much we can do there. But officially carving out space for my business helps mitigate taxes. Plus, I did a fair amount of research on capital gains taxes and realize we should hang onto this house longer and see what additional value the market bears while continuing to make smart improvements. I shouldn't take for granted this valuable asset.

New announcement

Hubby's company has just entered into agreement with original acquiring company and has decided to walk away from the Chinese offer. Acquiring company has matched the numbers with more cash and that CEO has really pushed to think about long term value. In signing on to these new terms, hubby's company agrees to pay a penalty of 450 million (up from 400 million) and the acquiring company's 18 million in counting of fees and expenses from this acquisition. It's a done deal, I think it's safe to say, and I am happy about the company remaining American.

What does this mean for us? I asked hubby through the bathroom door.

I think I should take the severance and try something new, I heard.

Whatever he said I would have tried to be supportive and figure out a way. Things might change tomorrow, I know. But for now, I think it's a good idea. 

new and improved

As a family and over dinner, we came up with the best plan of all.

My entire studio: grand piano, drums, violins, shelves with a thousand music scores, and music stands will go into the 17-1/2 x 17 foot family room with its own  door. I will rip up the carpet and paint. The mudroom becomes the entrance to the studio and the bathroom with the graffiti wall also becomes the studio's. We will make a removable partition, but the studio will be separate from the rest of the house.... I am so excited!! Among other things, the family can be in their pjs on Sunday mornings as hubby makes breakfast and they talk in normal voices.

The treadmill goes into hubby's office off our bedroom, which is always freezing cold and perfect for running. It involves getting rid of his huge desk, a mistake I bought off of Craigslist, but it's fine.

And then? Stroke of genius offering from Jake. He moves into the guest room, just  big enough for a queen size bed with inches on either side, and his existing bedroom becomes the family room with TV and couch and stationary bike. And....! We turn his window into a door, so the roof of the porch becomes a balcony we can all use, a la Charles' house and all of our good memories on the balcony off of Jake's room there.. Hubby and I looked at each other and were speechless. It's pretty perfect.

We have plenty of street parking and privacy here. The driveway is horrible in winters, but I've never cancelled more than 2 days a season - which is not so much - and you know what? It's the affordable solution to reallocate the way we use our space. Belac not very happy about the changes and likes the way it all is, but given that we bought below market price it makes sense to squeeze out the most value from this sizable house.

As for Belac? Well, there are a lot of apartments to buy and rent near the train station. Lately, I've been thinking about the story my dad told me, about his own mom, who I remind him so much of. There were 4 girls and 3 boys in his family, and his mother always dreamed they'd stick together. She bought an apartment complex with storefront at street level and 7 floors of 7 apartments above. Did any of her kids live there? No. And only the storefront and one of the apartments were ever occupied. And now what? In order to sell the place, they need all the signatures. Now dad's two brothers are dead, meaning even more signatures are required. As my dad predicted, even with all surviving kids, the building will go to the state. All to say. I should pay attention to history. perhaps saving my money and seeing what Belac needs and wants later is the way to go, instead of preparing prematurely with my knee jerk reactions to my fears. Ditto for Jake.

Everyone happy...! Excited to have my own designated space to grow and not be in everyone else's face. I thought we had to move and yet what we have seems to be able to accommodate my own needs. We will be able to write off a portion of the house mortgage and expenses towards my business by partitioning and the numbers look pretty good. We are going to work on these changes this summer. Great news!

discussion of overall life goals

We figured out that if we bought Charles' house and ran my business out of the back, we'd reduce our living costs by almost half by living there. HALF. Of course this is based on the assumption we could get a ballpark number on this house, at least to cover what we put into it, which I believe we can. Hubby was quiet, that's a lot of savings. Our house would no longer be big. We'd have few closets and much less stuff. No garage. But, what could we do with  all that extra money? I pressed him.

Save it, hubby replied.

We were quiet and I waited.

Take the kids to see special places, hubby added after awhile. Take a chance at doing something else.... Gimky, I think I have surpressed certain desires in favor of security and I worry I haven't lived up to my potential.

What do you mean? How could you say that?

Maybe I should be CEO of a company by now or done something special....

We had just gotten a letter from his good friend in Israel. What was he doing after 15 years at some company after both hubby and he were at MIT Business school? He was in school studying Biology and working on a PhD. They are in hibernation mode with 4 kids - surely he had cashed out something or they had saved a ton of money. It's good the kids see this, wifey wrote, which I think was an interesting comment.

Lately I've become aware of the way some of my students live. I've noticed what kinds of cars the moms drive to my classes. Two of the dads are CEOs of companies. I think, really? The kids are being chauffeured around in luxury cars and living in million dollar homes. Every time I drive up to some of these houses, I shake my head at the huge pointless front lawns, doing nothing productive but looking watered and fertilized. I don't want my kids aiming for such a life. Hubby pointed out, their kids end up going to fancy schools, look at Amy's or Oren's kids.... And then what? They get jobs in finance and rinse, lather and repeat? That's the way it works? That's what we are aiming for as a measure of success?

Is it worth the extra money to live here. Would we feel we took a step back or wasted these years at this Ann of Green Gables house if there was a viable option to buy Charles' house? Could we buy it, rent it out, move my business there, and only move there as a family in 3 years, after Jake graduates? Could we live there right away and the kids help in being live in landlords. Learn to run a snow blower and manage garbage. Jake and Belac help me with bookkeeping and excel spreadsheets, assist more in my classes and just live in a perfectly nice house we can make beautiful, but is not so comfortable that they want to stay forever? It mixes things up. They realize there are other priorities.

I told hubby I don't want to grow old in this house. I would like to see some plays and be able to go away more. I don't want to be tethered to this house's upkeep. I want more freedom and being asset light. Reducing our living costs invests in experiences instead of things. The kids are older and more grown and I want to take them to Alaska and see Hawaii. And I want a place to expand my business in downtown Sunny Patch. I also think we should position ourselves so hubby can take a chance.

Food for thought.

more plans

Met hubby at Fairway for a quick lunch and speed talked about company's recent news and then I, myself, made a pitch to him. Could we please revisit the subject of purchasing Charles' houses?

Gimky, I haven't given up on Belac going away to college....

I haven't either! But wait till you meet the guitarist I just hired for the 29th. Just wait... Look, he went off to Virginia for music school and earned a Bachelor's, at a school that had special needs supports. He did amazingly well and plays a dozen instruments. He went away, too! But he's back... working, but working part time doing book keeping for an office. Living independently, but near the train station in downtown White Plains, where he takes public transportation everywhere. He is very high functioning, you can barely tell there is any issue at first, and then you can see....

As soon as Jake graduates, the house becomes even bigger, and if you and I were in the house by ourselves? It's just too big. Or if Belac were here after graduation? It would be a source of shame for him to be living at home, even if he were commuting to college and doing all the 'right' things.... And just look at our taxes. Now, I pointed out, if we bought Charles' houses we'd have options!

Why? What would we do with them?

We'd live in one. Fix it up over time and make it nicer, and we'd use the back office for my music studio that needs to grow now, and be out of our house. You've said so yourself, that the lessons have sort of taken over the house. We'd keep the main floor office in the other house and then continue renting the apartment upstairs out until Belac or Jake needed it. It's a really nice apartment! And if my studio grows, it could move to the other house. Maybe the whole place could even become a music school and I'd hire other teachers....

But Gimky, I thought the whole point was to not make further investments in Sunny Patch with my job being up in the air, and I'm worried the kids are not becoming independent and....  We decided not to move the kids, right? But if something happened and there was travel on your end. We'd be across the street from the train. Belac could get anywhere with public transportation and not rely on us. You could take Amtrak to and from the city and take Metro North north home and just cross the street and be home. We need milk? The kids can run out and get milk, go get dinner in town, see a movie. In fact, they will have even more opportunities to be out and about, living actually in town. And this allows us to spread the expense of homeownership in a multifamily situation with our own portion of taxes being smaller, our living costs less, and hold our money in real estate, make an income, and manage a business, literally next door.... But selling that corner place later? It'll be hard with no parking? Well, I countered, if I could manage to make it a neighborhood music school, we could later sell the place as a business. And it doesn't need to have onsite parking, there is street parking and a parking lot across the street. I think there is potential as a music school, there's nothing like it in our town and it's near all of those other places I could build relationships with....

I like the idea that you'd try starting a school...

Well, hubby, I said as I dropped him off. Just think about it, will you? When he's ready to sell and it goes on MLS, we won't have a chance. Someone will snap it up, cash. Just think about it, maybe we could negotiate with him and try to put our house up for sale for next year. I think the reason why we have a chance is because we'd buy both and not just one, and he has to have a certain kind of buyer because his brother is not selling the 3rd house.... Gimky, he said, we'd do it now. We'd put our house up for sale and try to get someone to buy in time for the school year, but we'd have to have an established price with Charles. Of course! We started talking numbers. I was surprised at this. Hubby, I told him, just think about it. Think about if you'd really be okay living there, okay? It's noisier, smaller, there aren't closets.... And think about what the numbers would have to look like for you to feel comfortable making the move.

Coming home, I drove slowly around the block of Charles' houses. I noticed 5 cars parked behind his brothers', what looked like worker trucks. He wouldn't have sold the houses without telling us, would he have? Or be preparing or in the midst of selling? We had had a verbal agreement that he'd let me know before putting the houses on the market....

In any case, hubby and I need to decide what to do. I'm surprised by how unafraid I am to let this house go. But it's something I really believe we need to do in time for Belac's adulthood. At this point it's understandably a much harder sell for everyone else, but eventually I hope we'll all be on board.

Selling out

Oh my god. Hubby just called. Unless acquiring company can come up with a sweeter deal, his company is going to become Chinese. It's all about money. This huge legalese letter he read me is so complicated and we had to stop every few sentences to understand seemingly contradictory statements. None of it made sense. I am utterly and thoroughly dismayed. Yes, hubby will likely keep his job for a few years but the company will be CHINESE and another trophy for their mantle. And if I were a company preferred member...? I'd defect right over to acquiring company for its American roots and story and family like principles.

Why are we so short sighted? Will we own anything important in our own country? China is taking over. We should be worried!

money and more money

Last night we had the opportunity to study our mortgage bill. We had called our company to understand an increase of over 2000 dollars, for just this month, thank goodness. It turned out to cover a shortfall in our escrow, last year, due to increases in school and village taxes and home owner's insurance. That's pretty crazy. The taxes just don't stay put in Westchester.

Even if we are on track to paying our mortgage off in 10 years, this is not a house to grow old in.

There is one house nearby and a street of modest homes on very flat properties, closer to the train. I've studied all of the houses on my walks with the dog and we've discussed it before. Hubby knows that if any of those properties come up for sale, a sign is going up in front of our house. It's not that I don't appreciate this house, I do. We've had great years here. But in a few years, we should move into something else that is more manageable and straight-forward, either down-sizing or a multi-family. Inventory is very tight and limited, we have to start looking. I don't want to be stuck.

All at a standstill at hubby's work. The deadline for Chinese offer came at midnight last night. A decision has been made, but no announcement yet, on whether to explore this offer more. There has been no contact with acquiring company, who had been poised to sail through this acquisition. Hubby is now one of 50 employees being asked to save and protect all documents in anticipation of a lawsuit by disgruntled shareholders. It's pretty crazy.

Done tonight at 8:45pm. Off I go.

changes

Off to bed. I think I drank a gallon of seltzer tonight. My body feels sore, I did 60 crunches today and held squats against a wall for 30 seconds at a time. I am determined. Read a study about how quitting smoking is best and most effective when done cold turkey and I figure it's the same regarding my couch potato ways. And I am mad and emotional about what has happened with big sis. It's a combination of things and I know and feel this time is different. Health is wealth, I have to take care of myself, build better habits and check in with the doctor regularly. I have warning bells all around me and I am paying attention.

Math

Finishing dinner at 8. Kids had things, tennis, religion... It was a light night of hwk, but then I thought to ask Belac. You really did everything? Yeah, I think so. what about math?  I think so. You have no tests tomorrow...?

I went to the website. They have been reviewing for a math test on probability tomorrow. Ugh. let's get your math books out. We were going to let the kids play for an hour, but there was no chance now. I pulled out his mess of papers. What happens when I don't keep on top of things for awhile. I found scores of 92 percent, 54/60 and an in class assessment of 24/35. Sweetie pie, if there is anything graded, you need to give it to me, okay? Okay. Mom? I think I gor 93 percent on my ELA test. That's wonderful!

I knew to keep it upbeat and not lecture. Of course this was too much for one night, and at now 8:15pm..

I looked at the study packet, all filled out - thank God! But a page of vocabulary words, dependent this, independent that, experimental probability, blah blah blah... I wouldn't be able to guess this in a million years! Belac, where is your math book? mom, she won't ask for the vocab, she didn't the last time. It says here, Belac, vocab for the test. The other was the quiz. Let's get daddy to help, okay?

It's hubby to the rescue. They have been at it for the past 45 minutes, going through the packet methodically. I hear him teaching, explaining sample space and order.... I have trouble rembering, I heard Belac say. Belac! I heard hubby exclaim happily, you know how you remember?? He showed a pattern to remember. I see Belac soaking it in. He wants to do well in Math so badly, and it's clearly hubby who has the skills and patience to explain it. Hubby is so patient.

Hubby has been so bogged down at work. But you know how they are going to improve their relationship? Over math. Belac needs help and Hubby can provide it. Minimum one hour a week. I am listening to them interact in the best possible way and it is so good and hubby keeps it always very productive and positive. If they are going to improve their relationship, it will be over this, shared learning over topics that thrill hubby.

daughter - mother

Friend explained to me that on Thursday afternoon, her daughter supposedly left for work. Daughter's therapist called not long afterwards. Daughter was texting therapist about killing herself. Therapist said, you need to bring her to the hospital. Friend did not agree this would help and went to the girl's work to find her. She was not there.

Over the next hours they repeatedly tried to get in touch with her and sat home waiting. Night fell, it was getting later and later. Where was she? Had she hurt herself? Finally hubby went to the police station to file a missing person's report while friend waited at home with sister, too freaked out to be left alone.

Finally, nearly midnight, daughter texted back. Back and forth and back and forth. Finally she agreed to say where she was but it had to be just friend that came and got her. Fine, fine. And where did she drive? Twenty miles away, to a huge enclosed mall parking lot. Friend was so scared, it was so dark and abandoned, and the lot was huge and over multiple levels. She described finally finding the car and her heart pounding madly when she initially couldn't see her daughter. She was lying down in the seat.

This situation she described. This. This is not unlike what my mother would do. Seeing this, hearing this in someone else, makes me overwhelmed with sadness for my mom. Imagining this is my mom and that she had her demons as a kid, is that why she was sent to live with her grandmother? Not just because she hated her dad for his affair? I also realize how my mom does not have the 'benefit' in a way of my sister's diagnosis and so suffers silently and with shame. The daughter has no friends but she at least has her mother. When she is at the end of her rope, she has her mother, my friend who she calls to rescue her. Who does my mom have? She has my dad, of course, but he spends all of his time trying to calm her down but not exactly help her in the long run by facing up to her problems.

I should reach out to my parents more....

pain

I've become one of those people. Coming home from the school, I stopped at the gym. Did all of the exercises I could remember Kati teaching me the day before, in front of a mirror and feeling ridiculous but sweating and hopefully doing it all correctly. Then hopped on the elliptical machine for 20 minutes. I tried another machine before I left, and my butt was burning after 2 minutes. I'm sure the settings were off, but it satisfied my curiosity enough. I'll try another day.

Last night, I drank seltzer instead of wine at the fundraiser. I made my rounds and said hello and thank you to everyone, puffy eyes and all. Then plopped into a chair Kati saved for me, whispering amongst ourselves while she got her toenails painted purple and me, pink.

She told me something she learned about recently. About a pain so excruciating and unbearable and yet so invisible from the outside. The person had told her, you cannot imagine, understand or comprehend what that pain feels like, it's invisible! But it is very, very real. Despite reasons you cannot see, that someone in such pain is suffering so great, and you need to understand.

We were talking about something and someone else, but it made me feel so overwhelmingly sad for my mom. I haven't really talked to her in months. I really make no effort now to call her, as she said she wanted, and it's just easier for me. But she is my mother. And my father is alone with her. I really should try to call a little, now that we've had a breather and she seems much calmer.... My parents will be devastated to hear my sister's news and you know the crazy thing? For better and worse, my mom will be on her best behavior. She is always at her best during another person's crisis.

doc

I picked up the damn phone and called for an appointment. In less than 2 weeks, I will see the doctor I saw before, 5 years ago probably, and listen to her lecture to me about the 20 pounds I put on since then. And hopefully she will be gentle with me when asking why I had not gotten the mammogram back then that she wrote me a prescription for? I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

I grew up in a family of doctors and I just don't want to go to them. My mom was like this too. How am I any better? I have an excuse now, I protest, because I am healthy (knock on wood) and never feel reason to see a doctor. She is obviously sick and has this whole hodge podge of appointments with doctors not communicating with each other and prescribing meds, and no internal medicine over seeing all, and certainly no psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist dealing with the enormous elephant in the room....  But I'm not doing any better of a job being on top of things for myself, even if the doctor proclaimed me in excellent health last time, and just coasting on my good luck and everyday kind of feeling since then. And I exaggerate, I didn't gain 20 pounds, probably like 12. My sisters see doctors regularly and have relationships with them. Hubby and kids see doctors like clockwork, and Belac, a lot of them!

My doc appt is in 12 days, I texted hubby.

Good. Same place as last time?

Yes.

If so you can ask when your last appointment was to satisfy your curiosity.

I'm going.

I don't believe more recently than 4 years ago.

I will be there in 12 days. Kissy face.

more pestering

Hubby called. So are you making a doctor's appointment today? I've had enough of this.

Okay!

You haven't had an appointment in 5 years, probably.

Not true.

Gimky, this is a wake up call. What do I have to do to get you to see the doctor?

Okay, okay... I've been to see doctors and specialists dozens and dozens of times, these past years. It almost felt like I was going for myself!

Make an appointment, Gimky.

I was trying to find someone I like....

Make an appointment and go see someone. It's time for you to get your boobs checked, too.

Okay, okay! For God's sakes! I'll do it.

Okay, let me know, he made a smoochy sound.

I will talk to you later.

texts

10:29PM Little Sister: Have you ever had a mammogram? I haven't.

10:31PM Little Sister: Bc of family history, my MD and I decided it wasn't necessary for another few years.

7:02AM Me: I never have. And I haven't been to the doctor in 3 years. Hubby on my case and I'm finding a doctor.

8:45AM Me: Sorry I missed your call last night. How are you? So sorry about the test results.

8:48AM Big Sis: No problem, just calling to say hi!

8:48AM Me: When are u having next incision?

8:48AM Big Sis: Don't know

8:48AM Big Sis: Hopefully next week

8:48AM Big Sis: Surgeon working out schedule

8:48AM Me: Ok, good

8:48AM Big Sis: Don't know when to call dad.

8:48AM Me: Is it just in breast? Hopefully hubby ok.

8:48AM Big Sis: Was thinking after I saw radiation oncologist but hubby says I should call earlier.

8:48AM Big Sis: Yes

8:48AM Big Sis: Not invasive

8:49AM Big Sis: But you will need to add to your family history

8:49AM Me: You should call earlier in my opinion

8:49AM Big Sis: ok

8:49AM Big Sis: You might need to have mammograms now

8:49AM Me: Ok

8:49AM Big Sis: I mean not today but before age 50

8:49AM Big Sis: Ok

8:50AM Me: Maybe you can try dad at work or on his cell

8:50AM Me: Do u have his work number?

8:51AM Me: Dad Contact

9:00AM Me: Have a good day! I love you! If you need anything text or call. (kissy face)

OMG

I am crying and dying. My sister has it. I cannot believe it. I can't believe it.

priority

I am suspicious of this Chinese deal and what has happened to NYC with all the iconic and important real estate foreigners have chomped up. Will we own anything anymore after we fill our coffers? Hubby's company has until Thursday to make a preliminary decision about this offer. Is it real? Do they really have that kind of money? It's all cash and $1 billion more than acquiring company's offer. Is it really coming down to the largest bid?

Everyone wants the money, hubby told me, and they want their jobs, of course. Everyone pretty much keeps their job with the Chinese deal, at least for the next while, he told me and shrugged, as if to acknowledge that we are just as short-sighted as everyone else.

Tonight, I go with Kati to a special ed fundraiser. I'm picking her up and we're getting pedicures at the local place... The gym?? Lunch? My toe nails? I'm 3 for 3, today. And you know what else? I should finally find myself a doctor I like and trust and go. I haven't had a doctor's visit for myself in at least 3 years. Everyday will not be like today, but I do need to make taking care of myself a priority. Today has been nice.

gym

Kati picked me up to go to the gym at 8am, this morning. For 45 minutes, she led me in exercises for abs, thighs, butt, arms, stretches... She knows what she's doing and it shows. She straightened my spine, dictated how many repetitions, made me go get heavier dumbbells when she accused me of not sweating enough, and I had to just laugh. Then we did cardio, just 5 minutes on the stair master - almost killed me because the steps were too high, 10 minutes on an elliptical machine and then another 10 on some other machine I had trouble syncing my feet with. Neither of us had eaten and I - in particular - was now feeling lightheaded. Off we went for breakfast at the diner and then she dropped me home. Painless!

She is so fit and looking good and goes to the gym twice a week. I realize I have to do something. In the club bathroom, I weighed myself for the first time since September. Not as bad as I thought, but still bad. I am 46, I can't be letting myself go like this.

At 40 dollars a month, it's not as cheap and a no-brainer as Kati's 20/month she signed on for a year ago. And there's a 60 dollar annual fee, though they'd waive the 100 initiation for me. If I can piggy back onto hubby's gym membership elsewhere, I'll go to his place. But otherwise, I really should sign up at Kati's. We figured out 2 mornings we could go together regularly, and I could go on Saturday, during the 2 hours Belac is in a computer class. Actually, it's a no brainer what I need to do.

sleepy head

DST is so hard. Everyone has trouble getting up, including me. I try the gentle coaxing and prodding with the kids and soon I feel like a drill sergeant. Belac weeping into his waffle, complaining of being tired, hating school, not caring about getting detention for being late and it wouldn't happen anyway because you need to be late 3 times, and couldn't you write the teacher a note he'd be late because he was so tired?

Hubby had car running and was waiting at the door, rolling his eyes.

I really think you should go Belac. If you walk, you'll surely be late. If you get in the car now, you'll make it just in time if you hustle. But dad is LEAVING. Like, NOW.

I held up his jacket so he could get his arms in, and then held up his backpack for him to throw his arms in. He put down his glasses and wiped his eyes. Listen. Get yourself together. There is nothing to feel sorry for yourself about. Once you wake up, you'll feel better. But you should think about how lucky you are! Lucky you! I packed your lunch and bag for you and breakfast was on the table when you came down, and now dad is driving you to school. I know you are tired, but you should also feel loved, grateful and know your family cares and is helping you do the right thing!

I kissed him.

But you could write a note....

Saying what? There's no reason to write any note, you're going to school, where you've been working hard and making us proud. I kissed him and nudged him towards the car, have a good day, sweetie pie!

Bookkeeping

Watching karate and balancing my books. Astounded to see that the same nursery school that did not pay me for months, also paid me $425 short. The other school $90 short, but I see why that one could be a misunderstanding. What is going on with the other place? Are they having financial problems?  I have also 600 outstanding for lessons already given, from students who pay monthly or every week and have forgotten their check books. I really have to keep on top of book keeping and figure out a new system for next year.

count down

We will not have enough seats at the synagogue for Belac's bar mitzvah. It will be standing room only for late comers. The invitation list was much bigger than Jake's. We invited important people in Belac's life from age 2 and did not know what to expect. I think people want to see where Belac is and celebrate with us. Our favorite and first SEIT, who we haven't seen in a decade, is coming with unnamed guest. Our neurologist Dr. Ashton, a strong guiding light, is coming with wife. Flower and her family. Izzy, all the way from Hungary! That is a surprise we haven't yet shared with him.

I think 150 invitees will turn up, along with 20-30 congregants. The shul seats 120 and somehow we will try to squeeze in another 20 chairs.

Overwhelmed and touched by the positive response and people turning out.

house concert

Another performance class, yesterday, with everyone crammed into the living room, on the floor, and overflowing into the foyer. Jake helped me display mini cupcakes and cookies, set up drinks while I made fruit and veggie platters... Hubby and I rehearsed a piece to play, too. Kids got dressed up and came. I had 4 sick and missing kids, I don't know how we would have all fit in retrospect. Everyone lingered at the reception. Will we now have 2 performance classes? 

This morning, I received thank you emails from 2 families. How they cherish these classes and how they have seen their kids blossom and come out of their shells. And honestly, every single one of my students played amazing well and their best, yesterday, no kidding! Every violinist and pianist was poised, playing with dynamics, phrasing, and feeling, and with the intention to say SOMETHING. Most kids performed their pieces from memory and each said a few words about themselves. 

Two things happened this year. I became much more strict and clear in lessons about my expectations about practicing, while remaining very positive and friendly. And also, each student is lucky enough to have a parent that is involved and making sure they practice. I am also very careful about choosing appropriate repertoire. Every student I have now, practices regularly! And it shows. 3-4 times a school year, we have these house concerts, and they keep getting better and better. I am unbelievably proud of my students!

Chinese bid

No way it is going to happen. The company will and needs to stay American. And plus it is way too complicated because there are trade agreements between China and the US and this requires homeland security to get involved. Plus, it would be a disaster. They'd be all into it for the bottomline to such a degree, they would seriously wreck the company.

I choose the lesser of two evils, I choose acquiring company. It's just that, despite his actively courting with them, it remains to be seen whether hubby actually goes to them. 

middle of the night

I went to bed at 9, last night, after a pretty exhausting week end. And so when Belac came to me at I don't know what time, telling me he couldn't sleep, that his finger was hurting and that he was sweating and thirsty, I had to drag myself up. I had no idea where my glasses were and padded through the dark.

He wanted seltzer, not water from the bathroom tap. Drink from the tap, I urged him. I really wanted to make this short. And my finger, I massaged it. He got back in bed and he told me his finger continued to hurt. How about a band aid? I headed downstairs and went to get one and poured a seltzer while I was at it. Mom? he appeared. Sweetie pie, I'm coming up, let's go up. 

I wrapped a bandaid on his finger and tucked him back into bed. Mom? My finger is beating. Ugh, is it too tight? I pulled at it. Can we just take it off? I brought his finger to a night light and saw many hang nails and a red, sore finger. I pulled at one, he yelped. Okay, come with me. Down we went. I couldn't find any first aid cream, I was blind. I cut off the hangnails with a clipper, he wanted more seltzer --- this was not good, I was now way too awake, and then back up. Only to be laying next to him, getting him settled with fewer blankets, when he started to weep. Oh my god, Mom! My other finger also hurts!

You have got to be f-ing kidding me!! I did not say.

After all this, my other finger hurts! (Well, now I was impressed at this acknowledgement at how ridiculous this was.) But I will try to ignore it, he told me. I will get you another band aid, okay?

I went to retrieve one from downstairs and I was careful to not be too tight about it.

I'm sorry I had to wake you up, my sweet little kid told me, clearly knowing that waking me up in the middle of the night was hard for me and for this I was proud. It's okay, I told him, but close your eyes and relax, okay? If you can't sleep, even if you lay here quietly, your body is resting and it's still good, okay? And if you are too hot or too cold, just adjust your blankets.

The only reason I can give him the time he needs is because I don't have a full time job. Hubby would never have the patience for this 45 minute sleep interruption, knowing he has a full day ahead of him. Lucky that I can do this, help him problem solve, that he can tell me things, that he feels understood and loved. Going back to bed, I felt nervous and could not sleep, not a good combo. I don't like the idea that my bed could be empty half the week. Or that hubby or I could be lonely while apart. And I also wondered about Belac developing an anxiety disorder. 

Hubby also admitted to having a very bad and believable dream about moving to DC and difficulties managing his team. And we wouldn't even be there to distract him and remind him of other parts of his good life, I told him. I just don't think his commuting should be something we can consider. It will take significant toll on all of us, no matter what the increased income and prestige.

And then we were interrupted, this morning, by the announcement of a new bid.

We have to wait and see what happens. And hubby really has to look now. If he doesn't go to acquiring company, we have to be prepared that the search for a new job will likely take awhile.

Tell me, why do we have Daylight Savings Time? It seriously messes with all of us.

last minute upset

And in a very dramatic way, we woke up this morning.

OH MY GOD! I heard from the bathroom, Gimky! You aren't going to believe this!

What...?? I waited, What...?

A last minute all cash bid has been offered to purchase hubby's company. It's unbelievable. The thing about acquiring company's offer that upset shareholders, was that it was a combination of stock and cash and not all cash for what was already seen as a discount price. This offer is not only all cash, but significantly more per stock.

Why wouldn't they have made this offer a month ago? How could this be a serious bid? Why now...?

This is exactly what you do, hubby said, if you want to upset a transaction. You give people less time to figure out the details. You come in with something good and shocking, and it leaves everyone with no time to figure it out and starting to doubt what has already been set in motion. I don't think it's going to happen, but it will force acquiring company to sweeten their deal....

Who is it? I asked. Anonymous, hubby replied, the bidder wants to remain anonymous.

You don't think that THE guy is behind it? Trying to pull a Steve Jobs by acquiring the company he was ousted from?? Hubby laughed, interesting! He paused, that wouldn't surprise me actually, if he were behind this. And you know what? I was getting excited, Greta told me a month ago her hubby was now solely doing hotel deals and you guys should have lunch, knowing that you are looking for work. Not that you'd want to work for THE guy, though, she had added. Oh my God, I bet you they are behind this!

He scrolled through his phone. The acting CEO has sent everyone an email asking for people to be calm. To trust that he will give them information when they have it....

I have to admit. I'm hoping that the deal with acquiring company falls through. I don't think it's a good cultural fit between two companies, that a very dynamic, progressive and "it" kind of place gets owned by a stodgy, family owned one. Acquiring company has all to gain, and hubby's company has all to lose, and not to mention that there are doubts after these initial meetings, face to face with the employees, that acquiring company can pull off a successful merger. Hubby's company is indignant, obviously, and views acquiring company as being beneath them and much less skilled and innovative. Damn the executive board, hubby always tells me, our company was so mismanaged and now to be bought out! If anything, we should be acquiring THEM! They were major and direct competitors, after all.

I bet you anything the guy is behind this late bid. He is egotistical and skilled enough and would personally care enough to try to keep his name and legacy from vanishing into acquiring company's vanilla. Time will tell.

Votes

Bernie's my guy and always has been. But if he doesn't win, I realize I have to do what I have to do. I'm there. Clearly, I can't throw in the towel and be done. I have been watching the debates and reading the news, obsessively. I am dismayed by the overwhelming appeal of Trump and Cruz, two candidates I find truly disgusting. I will have no choice at all but to plug my nose and vote for her. If I can't have Bernie, it then must be Hillary.

Bracing for a long day, finishing at 9. But in my 2 hours free, I'm meeting Lulu for lunch. I haven't talked to her in ages or seen her son, lately, and hope everything is okay. Of course I will say nothing about knowing anything.

Hubby left at crack of dawn to take a call with someone at the office. Friends have put him in touch with colleagues about his job search. None of these people have jobs to offer, so far, but this is what networking and looking is about. Conversations and inquiries and connections....

Everyone doing okay. Kids up and out on their own two feet. The sun is shining! Even though I always work on week ends, and have some of my most involved back to back hours of active work, everyone else in the fam gets a break from the week and I appreciate that. TGIF!

futurama

Hubby, go! Where are the kids? Go do something with them!

I'm just finishing up....

Who cares? Go! Ask them to watch an old Futurama episode with you. Bring some dessert/snacks with you! Before it gets too late, Go!!!

And that's where they are and I hear laughing.

Hubby! I pointed out the other night, I want you to know that as much as Belac needs me everyday, misses me, calls, wants me kissing him good night... Between being with me and the whole family moving to Boston, OR me being away Monday to Thursday and coming home the other days to everyone staying in NY, he would choose the latter. He would the choose the latter! Hubby was silent. You know it's true! Don't get bent out of shape by what he is unable to tell you. He knows full well that it's more important to be together, but he can't even whisper it because he is so afraid of moving. Do not get bent out of shape!

The laughing trio is out of control. It's not my genre and I've never watched just one episode. Good for them!

best kind of morning

Friend and I hiked at Stone Barns with Bailey, yesterday, and then had lunch at the sandwich stand. Gorgeous, sunny, 75 degree weather and we had a couple of hours to catch up on everything. And she also made me feel better about our situation, whatever we decide.

I love you, Gimky, and I want the best for you guys. And you should tell hubby, he's a really good dad and I believe you guys will make the best of whatever you decide. Plus, it's JUST A JOB! True, I chuckled, nobody is sick, thank God.

I might go to the gym with her every Wednesday, now. She knows I have fallen off the bandwagon, physically, not enough exercise and too much eating. She has been going regularly and feeling and looking good - all the more important given the stress of her daughter's situation. She just left the hospital after a week and is now home with them. I'm allowed to bring guests for free, she pointed out, what if you and I go every Wednesday at 8am for an hour?

We should spend more time together. It was a great morning.

change

Found out this morning, that the nursery school director/teacher I have been very fond of - and who I have worked with for the better part of a decade - is leaving. It makes me terribly sad, but I understand why. Her daughter enters Duke University, this fall. She feels she has 10 years of working full-time ahead of her and needs to aggressively contribute towards her 401K. It's time. I think she's going back to teaching public school.

Change is hard.

Hubby and I lingered at dinner, last night. I have ideas that he hasn't always been able to accept. For example, I'm not assuming that Belac will be able to drive or that he should drive, even if he passes a test. I believe he will go to college, but feel strongly he needs to be somewhere with already established supports in place. I am pushing him along and not limiting him and am willing to be surprised, but I feel I am being realistic and refuse to just think that he will manage like everyone else. As it is, he gets one on one instruction with me, almost every single night. If he doesn't manage 'like everyone else', I want options.

There are benefits to moving to DC but I don't think we should. I just don't. The kids are doing well. Belac has friends, both neurotypical and special needs. And though his situation is not perfect, and he has talked to me about often feeling left out at school because he doesn't know how to "start conversations," I think that starting over some place else is one more challenge he doesn't need. He has a good set up now and Sunny Patch could be a long term home for him. A walkable, small but progressive town with public transportation and everything at one's fingertips. There's the movies, the farmer's market, restaurants. It's possible to be in an apartment here, commute to college, have a job in town, enjoy the Lab, which he loves. Moving him in the 5 years leading up to adulthood would be detrimental, when we've had these past 7 years of developing solid friendships and ties. He gets around to school and town, the dentist, synagogue, to the park, and sees what's happening and knows where everything is. And it is in this comfort zone that we can keep working with him on becoming independent, coping, making friends, being a good citizen, doing what he needs to do to have a productive, good life. I don't want to move him only to start from 0. And especially now that I work with social workers who run career and social programs for even high functioning, independent young adults. That's just 5 years away. It would be such a shame to throw this all away....

What will happen about employment, I don't know. How much do we need? I asked hubby. Would you regret not taking that job...? So many questions. 

figuring it out

Hubby received a team member's letter of resignation this morning. The anticipated exodus has begun for his team. Not surprisingly, people who are unwilling to move to DC or whose prospects are slim with aquiring company, are looking for other jobs. Everyone is looking and preoccupied, including hubby, even though he has promised to be there until at least the day of acquisition in exchange for his retention bonus. 

Now hubby has to figure out how to cover this guy's job. In normal circustances he might promote someone or put out a job ad, but now it might have to go to one of their outside contractors. This acquisition is huge and complicated. So many rules about what you can and cannot do, what you can and cannot disclose. Hubby astonished though. The guy is giving 6 days notice after taking every sick and personal day possible, and hubby was sure he had been taking interviews. I need 10 business days, hubby wrote, so that we can transition all of your work properly to someone else....

We talked more about the job. We have been talking in great detail by phone on his way to work, every morning, and have to admit that it's been quite nice to talk about things first thing, with fresh eyes and after a night of sleep.

We will figure it out.

New day

I laid in bed with Belac for an hour as he sobbed and wanted my hugs and to discuss things over and over And when hubby and I switched places so I could go to bed, Belac didn't want me to go and didn't want hubby. And apparently, when hubby came to bed, he relayed that Belac wouldn't  even really talk to him. I snuggled up to hubby and put my arm around him and sighed.

I heard an unintelligible sound. What? What did you say? Nothing. And then I heard him again. He was crying.

Maybe I should just take this job, the kids don't feel close to me anyway....

I didn't say anything at first but then did. Actually, I think we should move or we stay and you don't take this job. I'm not in favor of commuting and don't think its a good idea. If anything you should be together more, not less.

And by the way, you have a great relationship with Jake. All those musings and discussions over breakfast and him leaning on your shoulder? What you have with Jake is good. With Belac... It's just more difficult, he is more difficult....

We chatted awhile about I don't know what. The same back and forth and went to bed. This morning everyone slept until 7. Belac and I had a few minutes. Belac, I said, today is a new day. And I just want you to think about something, ok? I want you to think about what would make your relationship with daddy better. Mom, he's so strict! So am I...! But it's different, it's hard to explain! Well, let's figure it out, okay? Because Daddy feels close to you and he wants a good relationship with you, and we should work on it, okay?

Today will be 75 degrees! hubby home early, everyone home by 6. Marinating chicken to grill.

about face

?!?!?!  Oh shit.  So what are you thinking???  How are you leaning???

I replied to Olivia's text from last night with an email, this morning:

Well, for a few days we were operating on the basis of this job being possibly one he could not turn down. Bigger team. Bigger responsibility. Bigger title. On a magnitude everywhere including budget. The budget he'd manage would go from 300 to 720 million. His team would more than double. Etc. Etc. And they have been courting him.

We were operating on the assumption that he'd commute Mon - Thurs and get an apt in DC.

But then we had the worst evening in recent memory. Where it was the kids weeping and sobbing and then Hubby weeping later with me and realizing that he really 1) is not dealing with stress of this decision well and 2) the remorse/realization that the kids don't feel close with him and that even in his position now, his relationship with the kids has suffered. Not true, he is close to the kids, especially Jake, but the kids have a different kind of soft relationship with me and it's not good to compare.... But the point being that not being with the kids week after week is a huge sacrifice.

We are at a crossroads. So stressful. Once they give him an offer he has 72 hours to decide so its pretty crazy... It's an acquisition and so they have to do things fast. And last night, laying in bed and thinking about the crazy night we just all had, my having the only dry eyes in the house after witnessing a power struggle of sorts between the kids and hubby, I had an about face. Either we move and do this right or we stay and he doesn't take take this job. The kids have 3-5 years before they graduate Highschool and it's time the kids and hubby should have together that we will never get back.


😳

call

The phone rang, it was the nurse's office at Sunny Patch Middle School. Oh, god! Was he sick? Ethan was home with a 102 degree fever, and they had just spent all of Sunday together.

Mom? I heard his little voice. Hi, sweetie pie! I replied.

This isn't about school, he began, it's just that I can't remember where my flash card is.... It's here, in the cubby, I told him, even though I wasn't sure at all and would have to look around. It's a flash card fashioned into a bracelet used for Saturday programming class, nothing he brings to school. Okay, he said, I just didn't know where it was and.... He trailed off. Everything is here, sweetie pie, I reassured him, now go back to class, okay? Are you... having a good day...? Yeah. Okay, good. I will see you later, okay? Have a good day.

I know what's going on.

This morning, before he left the house, he whispered so no one could hear. Mom, I don't want to move okay? I really don't want to make new friends. I know! I had reassured him, me neither. I know how you feel and we are going to try not to move, okay? I promise. I know how you feel and we are going to try not to move.

Even on the way home from karate. Mom, I really don't want to move. Like, I don't want to make new friends. Listen, Belac, I had told him as we drove in the dark and I knew I had his whole attention. You know, if Daddy commutes, he will be gone from Monday to Thursday and will be missing us. And so we also have to think about Daddy, all by himself, okay?  Well mom, he said, I just don't want to make new friends! I know, but do you hear me? That it will be a sacrifice for Daddy to give up his time with us and be the one who is gone, all by himself. So this is a big decision. I just want you to understand Daddy's position, okay? He's trying to find the best job so we can all live well, send you boys to college, and also be able to help you boys whenever you need, okay? So we also have to think about daddy, who works hard to give us our house and food and clothes, and we have to make sure we have enough together time. I do, Mom, I do feel sorry for Dad, it's just that I don't want to move...!

Jake graduates high school in 3 years. If we were going to move at all in the next few years, this summer would be the time. But the sticking point is Belac, who we know would have a much, much harder time socially. That's 5 years out till his graduation. The reality, is a locally based consulting job would have had a similar travel model, though straightforwardly on someone else's dime and a more minimal 2-3 nights a week. But what if after a few months, we realize the commuting is untenable? Then he loses the severance he would have gotten if he had never tried the job in the first place. Perhaps that could be negotiated in advance, too.... Or we'd move?

details

I looked at Amtrak and flights out of HPN, LGA, and JFK. I looked at a combination of one way tickets to various airports or flight there, train back kind of scenarios. And in the end, I came back to what I checked out first. The most time and cost efficient way for hubby to get to and from DC, after all, is to fly out of our local HPN airport.

It's a not cheap $650 round trip ticket for a flight out at 6:15 am on Mondays, returning to NY by 6:30pm on Thursdays. The clincher is not only are these non - stop flights just 75 minutes long, but I could drive hubby to and from the airport, just 12 minutes away. No car service necessary, no tolls. And he can easily hop into a cab on days I can't get him to and from.

They want him in DC and we have details to figure out and negotiate. If they officially offer something to him, he will have 3 days to decide. I mean, that's like $30,000 in flights per year. And there is housing, though he could probably stay in my sister's guest room to save money for the first bit.  Do they want him that badly? To give a travel and housing stipend? To agree to his being there just 4 days a week there and not 5? The team is actually 25 people, 17 of them based in DC. Could he manage them with 4 days of face time?

It's looking like this is something he cannot turn down. But should we be looking to do this right and give it it's proper chance and all move down there together? Hubby is nervous and sad about not being around the kids half the week. For sure I'd move all of my students to when he's gone and free up the week ends for the family. But it's just a very big decision and significant sacrifice of time with the family he will never get back.

interview of sorts

The CAO gasped and laughed, you give candidates a... TEST...!? Yes, hubby said, a business problem in excel. Look, hubby told me he explained, it's pass/fail, but it gives me an idea how candidates approach business problems. And if the candidate doesn't like this kind of exercise, then it's not the kind of job they're going to like. I give the test first, about 30 minutes, hubby explained, and then I send them off to interview with at least one colleague, and then they come back to me and we chat. The last 2 hires I made in the department have been outstanding performers and they were each promoted within 2 years.

Wow, the CAO replied.

This isn't usually done? I asked hubby. No, hubby shook his head as he flossed his teeth last night and was getting ready for bed. You didn't get a test when you were hired? Nope! But I have found, you need to know, directionally, how people go about trying to solve problems for this kind of job.

Before this meeting, hubby's boss had told him acquiring company definitely wants him in DC. He also said, when asked, that he thought hubby would be amenable to moving. Of course boss knew that wasn't true, but he didn't feel it was his position to close down the conversation. It was up to hubby to negotiate it.

CAO and hubby had beers and dinner last night. They talked at length, very casual but in detail about the job. I'm sure we can work out the details, hubby said in an upbeat way, when he dropped the guy off at the train station. Yes, CAO replied, we will figure it out.

Hubby will be talking to someone else in the company in the next couple of weeks. Apparently, if an offer comes, hubby will have 3 days to accept or deny. It's both exciting and scary. On his way to work, this morning, hubby mentioned to me he had had a nightmare about this job prospect, last night. We definitely have things to figure out.

Busy day

Student called for a last minute lesson at 1. How's your friend? she asked. I had cancelled last week's lesson when all hell broken loose with friend's daughter. By the way, have they looked at such and such hospital? It's where my daughter went for a period of time. She and I have gotten close over the years. She is a social worker, learning Chopin and Beethoven and we always talk in detail about politics and healthcare, and sometimes about Belac or her daughter. Laurel, I asked, do you mind if my friend calls you right now, do you have time? I think she would benefit from talking with you before she meets her daughter's doctor in a couple of hours.

Scrolling through my messages in the parking lot of my school before driving off. Hubby home later than usual, he wrote. He's been invited to talk over drinks/dinner with the CAO of acquiring company. Things are happening fast.

Plans

Everyone down stairs by 6:45am, today. proud of Belac in particular, who had such a busy week and who had a ton of hwk, this wknd, I sat with him occasionally over. Social studies reading and questions. A huge math packet, he mostly did himself. 3 chapters of reading aloud and more questions and paragraph answers. Hebrew studying, himself.

Mom? he told me last night, I really want to do well in school and not rush through my homework. I can tell! I'm so proud of you! Tomorrow I have Karate, and it's sort of fun, but sometimes I am a little bad... Well, it's just your 3rd time tomorrow, you'll get better. Don't you feel kind of strong doing it? Yeah.

A few days ago he had overheard something. Mom, I never want to move, okay? Because I don't want to make friends all over again. I know, I told him. He got weepy. I don't want to move. Me neither, I hugged him.

This morning hubby showed me his performance review and showed me what and how we were saving. The kids were nearby. I told them, guys! We should congratulate daddy on his good report card from work! Because of daddy's hardwork, we can live in this fancy house and have the life we do! Jake got up from bkfst and hugged hubby. Thanks dad, Belac said, hugging him, too, I love this house.

Hopefully we can figure out a manageable situation for all.

waiting

I wonder what I'm going to say to Val, today.

Well, do you have to say anything? Isn't he just talking to your boss?

Oh no, he asked to speak to me alright, he's in the office today...

Well, like EB suggested, right? It's a negotiation. If they want you, they're going to have to figure out how to get you, right? And make it attractive? They have to figure out what they can offer, right?

It's not just salary. It's the fact that our first choice is to not move. So in that case, will they cover his weekly travel and housing? Could this position be Mon-Thurs in DC and Fri in NY? Could we deal with hubby being gone like that and could he do his job properly...? It's a promotion and more responsibility, would 4 days a week be sufficient in town? If it's really a 5 day a week job in DC, commuting is out of the question. Completely. I will not do it. Even 4 days is a stretch.... And so then what? We move?

The boys need their dad more than the school and familiar surroundings. And I don't think being apart like that is good for a marriage, I told Kati. It's not your hubby you have to worry about, she laughed, it's the women you can't trust.

Sister offered up her lower level guest room with bath and small kitchenette. We'd make some financial arrangement, which I think she wouldn't mind. After all, she's going through expensive out of pocket infertility treatments now. And will continue, if her procedure - happening today - turns up nothing.

Will friend's daughter leave the psych ward, today? Not sure and in a way, the stress begins all over again when she's back under their roof.

Sending good vibes to all around me. So much going on.

over food

Sat next to friend's MIL, last night. And after all the niceties and everyone getting caught up in their own discussions, MIL asked. Have you been talking to friend lately? Yes, I replied, what a tough situation. We chatted in hushed tones. She told me that it's good if I can be there for friend, her son, she pointed out, is on the road so much. I knew... And then she made the most truthful statement. It's no fault of granddaughter's, whatever this is, she inherited this from us, her family, and what can we do, but be hopeful and try to support her.

Emailed friend this morning:

Depending on how things go, let's walk at Phelps and have lunch on Wednesday. It's supposed to be 72 degrees and sunny.

Thank you for last night. It was good to be together.

Good luck with everything and txt me if you need anything.

xxxxx Gimky

Steak

She's not allowed anything that goes on the Internet and asked for books. When friend stopped by I gave her 4 of my favorite books: Wonder, Out of my Mind, the Color of Water, and Anthropologist in Mars. I added a couple packets of chamomile and honey tea. Hand cream, regifted from a student. Jake went to fetch his old Nintendo DS with some games.

She had had a vicious panic attack yesterday. She's been in the psych wars since last Wednesday and needed something to pass time....

Now on our way into the city to celebrate Jake's Bday over steak. Childhood friend texted, we are running late!  We will be one martini ahead of you, I replied with a smiley. They are going to be an hour late, Jake predicted. They are always late. I should have told them our resevation was at 6!

All good.

Realization

Only understood this morning what hubby was telling me. Acquiring company wants hubby now, like before the acquisition, like now. The CAO is coming back to NY on Monday and has asked hubby's boss - who has decided to retire at time of acquisition - to discuss hubby with him. It is a 100 percent face time job that requires managing a sizeable team. The question looms, could we move?

okay, I told hubby. Of course you have to throw your hat in the ring, but it's time to be aggressive about putting yourself out there for something a little more local.... I know, however, without saying so, that this job might be too difficult to turn down.

Jake and I read hubby's resume this morning. I could only understand half of it. You went to University of Toronto? Jake asked incredulously, and got a master's of science...??? Yes, that was for math. Oh, Jake continued scrolling. This is the first time he ever read a resume. I watched him learn about his dad on paper. He hasn't connected the dots, yet, about what hubby being employed by competitive company means, being away all week or us moving there. Nothing is official and so there is no reason to say anything and get them worried. Still, I was in contact with sis about urban neighborhoods we should check out. Doing my own research.

A little more real

Touched base again with hubby. He's taking the kids into the city to have dinner with his parents. I have to work tonight and have a few minutes before next lesson. He's scrambling to finish for the day but did tell me his own boss of current company was told by aquiring company that they want hubby for a particular role. Would you be able to move? he was now asked directly, because this is not a role you could perform remotely.

He will stop home to pick up the kids as I teach. We won't see each other til late tonight. So much to talk about.

Update

Hubby called. It appears they want him at aquiring company. It's a good position, too. But it also appears it would require being in DC, Monday to Friday. He'd have a sizable team to manage. we have things to discuss, Gimky.... Friend came over and we speed talked through everything. She brought up something about Lulu. How could I not use that opportunity. Listen, I said. You should be forthcoming about daughter. She is your good friend and your daughter is in the hospital. you need support. And you know what? She is now going through something. You just said so yourself that she hasn't been responding to your texts which is unusual and worries you. I'm telling you, you both have what to help each other with, please catch up with her. But it didn't come from me!

oh God, she told me, it's going to be too hard for me if you guys move, too hard, she rolled her eyes and hugged me.

We made plans for dinner on Sunday.

It's life. life is hard. We should all be there for each other.

mum

Done in Greenwich and have a couple hours free. Did you eat lunch yet? I can pick us up lunch.

Okay, maybe something simple.

See you in an hour.

She has so much on her shoulders. And this is the small world we live in. I am sworn to secrecy by friend. Sworn to secrecy by Kiki, whose person she called asked for privacy about the matter over her son. And you know what? I am very good friends with Lulu. And my friend and Lulu are very good friends. All this secrecy and confidentiality. I understand. But it is also the shame of mental illness and any possibility of emotional instability. Even Dot asked me to say nothing about her son's tantrums. For god's sakes, we are all friends. Does this really help anyone? But mum I am, holding everyone's stories in separate boxes.

status

Playing all of Belac's friends' bnei mitzvah services, they are coming up more and more, and they've grown up together. It's going to be a time of celebration and nostalgia. Playing for a friend's daughter's wedding. Going to Italy with Olivie Dee with hubby....  Things going well with my nursery schools and students. Received a community service award and busy with all things special needs and now trying to get a grant for the program.... Boys doing well in school. Jake running and finding his own way. Belac drawing and making films and his posse, regularly here. Hubby promoted over and over and valued and needed at the synagogue to help it keep standing. His running and biking thousands of miles all over the Westchester trails and swimming regularly at our town pool and participating in local races. Our fixed up will likely not lose money on if we sell.... We have family friends who come over often, good friendships there. And it is sort of weird. Though these are all compelling reasons we just cannot leave, must not leave, it also feels like if we had to leave... well, we'd actually have fewer regrets even though it would be painful. Each of us, in the time we've had in Sunny Patch, used our time well growing and putting ourselves out there. We've sort of left few stones unturned and in a way, it makes it more okay. It actually makes moving forward, whatever that means, easier.

montage

email to Hubby and his Little Bro, last night:

Belac is using Final Cut Pro to make his own movie montage. I saw the beginning and it's amazing, with text and music, very dramatic. I almost started crying. But then he asked me to leave and said it was a surprise. And here is what I think is happening. A week ago he asked me what date he was diagnosed with autism and then also asked me when he didn't have it anymore. I think this montage that he's planning to show for his bar mitzvah with dramatic music and everything and a gazillion clips from his childhood, I think it's based on the premise that he was once autistic and now no more. Obviously, I am not going to deter him and he is compelled to do what he's doing and easily spends hours, but it's also a subject I am rather hesitant about. Only because it invites discussion of both if he ever had it to begin with - for those lower functioning than him - or if he truly doesn't have it anymore, for those who know him. Kind of a sensitive topic, no? To show 120 people?

But it's probably going to be amazing and I'm mixing out completely on the subject matter because I think it's good for him to put together his life and see how adorable he was and so loved. Obviously though, his bar mitzvah can't be the first day we see this movie, right? Even though he insists that it be a surprise?