exchanges

On Sept 27, 2013, at 3:16 PM
From: Gimky Snowflake
Subject: Belac

Hi Mrs. Prego,

I hope everything is going well and that you have a great week end!

I thought I should mention that Belac came home crying, today, and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he is upset because he is sitting across from someone who screams and it both scares and distracts him to the point that he doesn't want to go to school on Monday or wants to switch classes. (Absolutely not! I told him, Mrs. Prego is the best teacher there is for you!!) I am sure you are addressing whatever is happening and I know very well with behaviors that change takes time, but was also wondering if it would be possible for Belac to change seats? I did mention to him that I would at least inquire with you. I trust you, whatever you decide, but felt I should mention what happened today.

Thanks so much for everything you do.

Gimky



On Sept 27, 2013, at 3:24 PM
From: Mrs. P
Subject: Re: Belac

Mrs. Snowflake-

We are certainly addressing the behavior and I am so sorry that Belac was upset. I will be happy to move his seat. I don't ever want him to be upset or uncomfortable. Thanks for letting me know. Have a great weekend.

Sincerely,

N. Prego



On Sept 27, 2013, at 3:47 Pm
From: Gimky Snowflake
Subject: Re: Belac

Thank you so much! I will reassure him before Monday and encourage him to take you aside if there's something bothering him in the future.

Happy wknd!

Gimky

Sunday run

Yesterday afternoon I had some free time. I put on my running shoes and on second thought, asked Belac. Do you want to run with me? Okay! he replied, as he looked around for his shoes.

We ran to the pond. It was mostly down hill for a mile and a quarter, but he ran ahead of me and continuously. Wow! someone exclaimed as we passed. Wow is right, I thought, I should do this every Sunday with him. At the playground, I let him be and watched him climb around. 20 minutes later he was ready to go. Should we take the short cut or the long way home?  The long way, he insisted.

We ran to the hill, walked up the hill, and then ran the rest of the long way home. Belac pushed himself to the end. Good for you! a woman called out to Belac as we turned a corner. You know what, I realize? To my amazement, the pace he found for himself was just right for me. He is a surprisingly good running partner!

So that is how we spent an hour on a Sunday afternoon. We now have a few more weeks until the family runs a charity 5k. And this Sunday outing - I have decided - will now be my regular 3rd run of the week. Belac liked it enough and for me, it was fun and different and a nice way to be with my boy. I am so proud of Belac.

smooth start

Today, I ran continuously for 45 minutes outside and surprisingly, I felt ok. I also decided on a whim to try on my skinny jeans from a dozen years ago. Guess what? It's been a couple of years and they don't look too bad! So, to be real. I'll never be a triathlete like hubby, nor a fast runner like Jake. But if I can get to Yoga and run two times, as I did this week, I think that's just right for me.

Other good developments. I had my first full week of teaching and it was just right with full mommy-and-me classes and 3 less privates. It was the best decision to let go of the kids who didn't practice. What a relief! In the meantime, I have a new little beginner and hope to find others who want the music....

I've suddenly started drinking tea.

Also, pyrex and the freezer have become my friends! Every day, I now cook just once and a double batch of whatever it is. We all eat it that evening, and then it's warmed up for the kids' breakfast the next day and goes into the kids' thermoses for lunch. Then if there's still meat left over, it goes right into the freezer. There's always some chopped up veggie or fruit on the side. The kids seem to like it enough and are not complaining. Today was a smorgasbord of the week's food and between today's breakfast and lunch, every morsel was claimed. I was so proud! Just found out a birthday party was cancelled, tonight, so now defrosting leftover Rosh Hashanah rib roast. A thoroughly decadent, last minute meal with no work at all.

Simplifying tasks has improved the quality of my life 100 times over. I am so much more patient with my family because I'm not overwhelmed with the household. My kids are more independent and able to help because I've made putting away things truly dummy-proof. I'm so thankful!

51-1/2 pounds

Oh my God! Belac exclaimed, standing naked on the scale and ready to burst, last night. Mom!! I'm 51-1/2 pounds. I'm over 50 pounds, he screamed, I grew!!! YES!!! And now my goal is 60 pounds! he proclaimed as he jumped up and down with delight.

I had been encouraging him not to get on the scale often, so it had been awhile. Weight has been his obsession all year, especially at bedtime. Mom? Do you think I'm growing? But why do I weigh the same? The scale always says the same thing, he always told me while wiping his eyes. I want to be strong. I want to be tall. I don't want to be the shortest kid in 5th grade. Do you think I look 10? Are you sure I look 10?  Feel my muscle. Is it bigger? Am I getting bigger? How do you know? It's been so hard for him to put on weight. Everyday he drinks 1-2 Ensure shakes. I liberally offer him high fat snacks to eat all day long and as per doctor's orders, all of his teachers let him eat in the classroom and encourage him to do so, understanding the situation. I also give him lots of protein at meals. He tells me he spends the entire recess trying to do pull-ups at the jungle gym. He wants to get as strong as this dad we know, who is not tall but is probably the strongest man in Sunny Patch. When he's been over, he does like 30 + pull ups on our bar as the kids all crowd around and egg him on to do more and more. 5 times a day I'm asked to feel his right arm muscle, is it bigger, Mom?

I too was thrilled to see that scale past 50! As the main food provider of the household, his weight and getting more calories in him has been my obsession, too. And now he has gained 8-1/2 pounds since January, more than half of that since June, that's roughly a pound a month. Hallelujah!!

girls

Jake got in at 6:15, last night. He had had his first Cross Country meet, for which they had to be bussed 45 minutes away. He told me he remembered to buy himself a Powerade from the cafeteria. That he had had to rush to change his clothes after the dissection to catch the bus at the high school. That he ran a mile and a half in 11 minutes and change. The whole thing was "fine," he told me and mentioned that the hosting team came in last place. There were only 3 teams, he said, Sunny Patch came in 2nd. We're average, he added.

I asked him if he knew any of the girls on his team. There was a girl from Hebrew School, he remembered, and Lily's sister was also running. So what do you think? Are they cute? Jake gave me a perplexed look. What?? he asked in disbelief. I repeated, I was just wondering if any of the girls are cute....?

Dad's home! he announced as he abruptly went to the door to greet him.

What? He's 12. I just bought him a size 5 shoe and I just measured him for a concussion test at a little over 5'2". All of the sudden, his many baby teeth are finally falling out. He has become so much more independent and observant about things. I was just wondering, are any of the girls cute?

sweet dreams

I was finally able to get onto the school's parent portal. Hubby looked over my shoulder as I clicked around. Well, look at that! I showed him. I scrolled through each of Jake's classes. You should show him, hubby told me. I checked my watch, it's almost 10. It will mean a lot to him to see this and you're closer to him about all this, it should come from you, he nudged me, go show him.

So up I went with the ipad. You awake? I approached Jake in the dark. No, he replied. Well I have something to show you, where are your glasses? Mom! Ouch! The screen is so bright!! He sat up sleepily. I just want to show you something, I explained.

We looked together. What became readily apparent is that in every single subject, Jake had turned in every piece of homework. That was 11 dated assignments in Math already! 5 in French, 6 in Science.... Look at that! I told him, all across the board you have turned in every piece of homework and on time! I am so proud of you! I didn't acknowledge the quiz grades just then, no point in cluttering his brain right before bed. I saw in Social Studies he got an 84, Math an 89 (I was secretly excited about that, knowing how he struggles there). 3rd week of school, very strong effort from him and perfectly good enough for me.

I looked at Jake's face, lit up by the screen. He was sitting quietly and smiling to himself. How do you feel? Happy, he said. (In the past - even if ever so carefully and nicely - I would have also mentioned the grades and thus introduced a cloud.... I'm learning to reign in my panic.)  Mom, now that I'm up, can I finish my book? No. Please...? N-O!! I pulled his glasses off and tussled his hair. Good night, sweetie pie!

Back to School Night

Yada yada yada.... I have heard it all at these open houses. But I went primarily to put a face to each of Jake's teachers and boy, was I utterly surprised! 6 of his teachers are male this year. One has a doctorate and is African American. Another is definitely gay. And then there was another, whose personality in a particular subject I thought was perfect for Jake: a spirited, optimistic man in his 50s who Jake has for Study Skills. I was able to get the school to give these sessions to Jake, twice a week at 7:45 am. Then I arrived to Science, Jake's favorite class and teacher. And there, I was floored.

It was 9th period, Jake's last class (and mine) of the evening. It was almost 10pm. Like I said, I had heard it all. But I found myself shocked to walk into a classroom where there was yet another man greeting us and this teacher seriously looked like he was 18 years old! Dressed in khakis and with longish hair, he looked straight out of a J. Crew catalogue.

He introduced himself. He told us that he had been teaching Biology and other Sciences for 12 years in the district. My mouth dropped. And then he immediately went to pull up a slide on the screen.

How many of you feel it is important to tell your kids they are smart? he asked. Let's see a show of hands. The screen read: 85% of Americans feel it is important to tell their kids they are smart.

I was in the front row and hadn't been expecting to be put on the spot. Now everyone was going to see how I was voting. I did not raise my hand and then sneaked a look behind me. Most everyone had their hands up. It depends on the context, a parent called out. And then eyes were expectantly on me to say something. Oh God! Well, I explained, it's not like I've never told my kids they are smart. But I think it's more important to appreciate their hard work....

He went on to the next slide that cited a study from Columbia University. Long story short, kids who were complimented for their effort performed better on a series of tests than kids who were complimented for being smart. Furthermore, those recognized for their hard effort in the study chose to follow up with harder questions. The opposite was true for the other group. He went on to say that this was his teaching philosophy, encouraging the kids' best effort. Then encouraged all of us not to be too caught up in the grade. In fact not to even look at their grades. Please reinforce and support their best efforts, he emphasized.

As we left, a parent murmured to me, oh my god! He's so weird! Another complained, we didn't get anything about what's happening in class. What are they doing? Where are the course expectations?

I headed home on foot in the chilly night and could see the stars. I suddenly remembered that this Science teacher was also Jake's Cross Country coach. "Weird" as this guy might be, he was the only person who had said anything meaningful all night. And I'm not just saying that because the study he cited supports my opinion. I understood fully why Jake likes him. He's not up there to check off boxes and say and do what everyone else does. He's a scientist and a thinker. The guy is brilliant! And I am so happy for Jake.

the right violin

Belac's violin teacher told me a terrible story, yesterday. In the spring, during the middle of a violin lesson, she went to use the bathroom. During that time, her violin came crashing down onto the floor. She came running out to find the bridge broken, the fingerboard dismantled, the facade cracked and a visible open seam.  She didn't know what happened or what the student may have done. She was utterly devastated.

She found out it was going to take 6 months to get the violin repaired to be playable. And she suddenly never wanted to see the violin again, she was so distraught. The violin was never going to be what it used to be with that crack, in her mind, and certainly never valued for what it once was. The violin was from the 1600s, she pointed out, and the only violin she had ever had. My mouth dropped to the ground. She told the violin maker to fix the violin and sell it.

In the meantime, she got a violin as a loaner. All summer long she played it and taught with it. You know what? she told me, I am in love with this violin. It's worth a fraction of mine, but I love this violin. It's just right for me. And then she stopped and looked at me. Gimky, I have to go back to teaching public school. I have to grow up and do what I need to do. I can't sell my violin. I just found out this person who owns this loaner wants it back unless I pay for it. Maybe I can do a payment plan, I don't know, but it would be the only way. I looked to taking equity out of the house, it's almost paid off, but that's a whole other fiasco because I don't earn enough.... So much came tumbling out. She was holding back tears.

Okay, so this is what you do. I pulled up some emails on my phone. These are some schools that are still looking for music teachers as of September 1 and I'm forwarding these ads to you. I wouldn't shlep into Manhattan, but see? There's one in the Bronx, just straight down the Saw Mill.... You can do it! You need health insurance, you need a pension plan and you need to get yourself a violin! In the meantime you play your old one. It's good enough to teach and get by with, no one will know the difference but you.... The next student was now here and she abruptly stood up. I hugged her. 

She is recently divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. I feel her despair. And driving home, I realized it is absolutely irresponsible of me to bring my violin to the nursery school twice a week. It's not insured and the kids want to touch it all of the time. I just need to turn my back for a second too long....

Now buying a cheap violin on Amazon. It's 35 bucks and manufactured by a company called Generic. No joke! Of course it must be Made in China! (My bad.) And the pictured bridge is in the totally wrong place! (Dumb Americans.) It's all just so bad! But I'm going to paint it with rainbow colors and make it work. The kids will love it and so will I.

life

Belac 9/2013

Signed up to bring a dinner to a family. Belac's classmate just lost her dad who had been on a heart transplant list but could not hang on. He left behind 5 children. I cried to hear this news. This girl has always been beyond kind to Belac. How could this happen? And to think this 5th grade class of Belac's has suffered the loss of a parent every year since 1st grade. 2 heart attacks, 1 aneuryism, 2 to cancer.... We are a very small school district and community. I think Sunny Patch is 2 miles square. It is so upsetting.

I ran again today. You wouldn't believe that I ran a 10k a couple of months ago if you saw me out there. It's so hard for me to stay on that bandwagon and it's not like riding a bike! I am not a natural at this exercise thing but have to force myself. I mean, when my time is up, it's up. But I'm not going down without a fight.

house keeping

boys at work 9/13

Last night, Jake came to me. Uh, Mom? Uh. Do you remember that piece of paper on the dining room table I told you I didn't need? Well, I sort of need it to do my homework...

He went through the recycling bin and looked in the kitchen garbage. There was no sign of it.

Lucky us, I told him, garbage day is tomorrow so everything is still here!

And so that is how we came to find ourselves going through an outdoor garbage can, piece by piece....  It's amazing. We have so little weekly garbage now that we compost and recycle everything. But that also means that what's left for regular garbage is totally revolting. Greasy chicken bones and slimy napkins, butter wrappers, saran wrap and plastic food bags, dirty kleenexes and bags and bags of dog shit :(... (note to self: isn't there a way to compost this!) I sifted through and emptied old garbage bags and he put the old garbage into new bags. Neither of us had gloves. Mom, he exclaimed, this is so disgusting!! Yeah, well, I chuckled, let's not do this regularly, okay?

In any case. It wasn't there either! Turns out that lucky sheet got sifted into a stack of Belac's papers and was still looking (and smelling) all shiny and new, Thank God!

Another day of getting all of his homework done. Where there's a will, there's a way. Woo hoo!

thinking big

The suggestion was to use bigger paper and to think big. So his solution was to tape 4 pieces of his usual 8-1/2 x 11 paper into a bigger pad of paper....

For the first time ever, he has no designated or shared aide in school to poke him every few minutes. However, he is in a much smaller class for ELA with just 12 kids. It seems to be going well enough and I am so proud of his new-found independence. At least I haven't gotten any phone calls yet.

Today he asked me not to get mad and then admitted to swearing at school. Which words? The D - word and saying 'shut up.'  Do you know what else you could say?  Darn it. And for shut up...? Um, be quiet.  Those are better words, try to use them, okay? Okay, he told me, but someone was bothering me. But if you say, could you be quiet please? it's so much nicer. Saying shut up sounds mean and might just make the other person angry and maybe not shut up just to get you mad! Would you rather someone ask you to be quiet or to shut up? To be quiet, he murmured as he continued to draw.

Those are also butter cookies I've been baking that he downs by the dozen. His putting on weight is now a medical priority. This week he gets 10 vials of blood drawn as they attempt to understand what's going on. I'm pushing him in every which way to grow. Think big, be big, aim for big! But just bigGER would be fine, too.

just do it

"Temple" Jacob 9/13

Sunday morning, Jake realized that he did not have his math homework. He ran to school to see if he could get into his locker. No luck. As I began teaching, I gave him the school directory. What could you do with this? I asked. Got it! he replied. I heard him in the background calling various classmates and leaving messages. I could hear frustration. In a break, I went to him and suggested he get his other work done and we'd figure this out later.

Well, if you can't get the homework, what else could you do? Go early to school tomorrow and....?  Get it done, he added. But what about that kid in the green house? We couldn't remember his last name. Don't forget to tell him you'll return the favor any time, okay? And that's how Jake went running over, knocking on his door and coming back with a xerox copy of the homework.

And then this morning, for the umpteenth millionth time, he couldn't find his watch. I did, however, spy his favorite stick he'd been worried about and missing for 2 weeks. Jake, I told him, your stick is in your room. IT IS?? He scanned around and couldn't see it. Okay, I told him, show me how you are going to look for it. He had practically nothing in his room and still couldn't see it. Jake started from the doorway. I'm looking on the floor, he narrated, I am looking at my bookshelf - start from the top and be very methodical, I instructed - I am looking at the top shelf, middle shelf, now on the floor.... finally he was at his desk and under it. Oh man! Here's my watch! he exclaimed happily. And as he continued to the gap between desk and wall, he found his tall, beloved stick with his name burned in it. My stick!!! It's here! I thought it was gone forever!!!

Maybe over time he will be less forgetful and disorganized. I think he's already made progress. After all, these past 2 weeks, he managed to bring home his lunch box and turn in his homework, everyday. One day after Hebrew school, I was stunned to find out that he realized he forgot a piece of work and made a detour to school before coming home. Still, I recognize it's an ongoing process and I vow to keep it positive. It means not doing it for him even if it's tempting in the short term. And you know what? He's learning quickly that he's not helpless. Look how good he felt to find his stuff and to walk to school this morning knowing all of his work was done. He figured out a way and the message is, it was worth the trouble. Problem solving and helping yourself feels good. And it goes without saying, waking up early and allowing extra time for everything is essential.

So far

"Tower of Terror" Belac 9/13

Last Friday, Belac texted me on his way home from school: Can Ean come over? Well, Jake was home early, having thrown up in school. Can I go over to his house? Only if his mom says it's okay. It was.

Needless to say, I was overcome with emotion realizing first, that he has a social life that he's beginning to organize himself and second, what an amazing tool the phone has been for him. Sometimes when he's not looking, I scroll through the messages on his phone. Every day he texts to tell me he's walking home from school. But I also see texts between him and his friends and Pops, hubby's dad. It's remarkable how independent he has suddenly become. I'm not sure I ever thought this would be possible, even as late as last year. I am so grateful.

As for Jake, he spent a lot of time organizing his many books and folders in prep for the new year. Instead of just one pencil case he carries around all day, he attached a case with a few utensils into each binder of every class. Instead of a large notebook pad that goes everywhere with him, Jake chose a little green book to put in his pants pocket to write homework and notes to himself. I worried this notebook would be easy to lose, but this is what he wanted and you know what? It works for him. And there's nothing like a lot of thoughtful preparation to reduce stress.

I would say that the most amazing thing for Jake, so far, is that everyday after school he runs cross country. Not being a very sporty or coordinated kid, it is awesome he can run a 7-1/2 minute mile and that that he will be on a team for the very first time. I believe the camaraderie is going to be great for him. And coincidentally, the teacher of his favorite class, Science, (he's never admitted to having a preference or favorite class until this year) is also the cross country coach... Not much homework yet, but enough to get him going and feeling good about managing all the little pieces. All good things so far.

As for me, I am much more calm than I've ever been about school. Is it because of a spontaneous, philisophical heart-to-heart with the middle school principal, 2 weeks ago? We mused about growing up these days, crazy Westchester county, nature vs. nurture, and general parental worries... When we parted ways, she squeezed my arm and told me: don't worry, we will be with your boys every step of the way. The one good that came from Jake's unfortunate year with Lotto, was that the Principal and I had developed a productive relationship. But honestly, I'm really not that gullible about the Principal's magical powers and that's not what did it. Getting to this emotional point for me has been a much longer process.

It's been the endless discussions with hubby, the casual conversations with Pops, hubby's dad. Getting up and making lunches everyday. Seeing the good and bad of other people's situations. My relationship with my students and their families, and weeding out the ones for which piano was torture. It's been Jake telling me what he needs from me. No yelling. Yelling, he told me, only makes the person who is being yelled at withdraw and doesn't solve any problems. He is so emotionally intelligent, this one! He also told me that he is concerned about being judged by his brother's quirks and sometimes less than stellar behavior. They are now in the same school again.

You know what? I told Jake, last night. For the longest time, I used to worry that people would see some of Belac's behavior and think I was a bad mom. When I finally realized that I really can't control what other people think or do, I felt much better. Even though I try to influence the best behavior from your brother, as as proactive as I can be, and want everyone to like and think the best of us, I can really only control myself. And we can't please everyone. Some situations will be tough - Belac related or not - but if you can handle these situations productively and with kindness, you can be proud of yourself and be a good example to others. That's how you'll be judged, ultimately, I told him, is how you handle yourself, especially in response to challenging situations. I am so relieved to hear that, mom! he told me, as he burrowed under his covers and let me kiss him good night.

I mean, this sounds like something I shouldn't say but will say it anyway. I just feel like if something bad happened to me, my kids and hubby are emotionally more solid than they ever have been since the diagnosis 7 years ago. As a family, we have developed a small but solid core of friends who accept and appreciate each of us. I will also be eternally grateful for this house and town because my kids really do not get into a moving vehicle at least 5 days of the week. They are practicing their independence, each and everyday.

So why the calm, at the moment at least? Because we have really spent the last years stripping everything down to the basics, both literally and metaphorically. We have been constantly fixing things and figuring out a reliable and efficient way of being, and for that real change you need to face your whole life down. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Write things down. Give yourself enough time. Reduce clutter. Lighten up and let go. Hug your family and friends, always. Keep it simple.

Location

At 3:07 pm, Caleb texted me to tell me he was on his way home.

At 3:19 and half a mile later, he arrived home and let himself in by code through the garage.

I was emotional and snapped a picture.

Today, Ean and Izzy walk home with Belac. And why? Because Ean can come have a snack and hang for 30 minutes before walking with Belac to Hebrew School. Ean otherwise walks home and then his Mom has to drive him to Hebrew School. And Isa can come and hang before her piano lesson at 4 without Kati having the hassle of picking her up from school, bringing her home, and then driving her here and waiting. Now Kati just comes at 4:40 to pick up. It is truly a blessing that we live in this house that is centrally located. It encourages the kids to be independent and is an easy gathering place. It's priceless and how beneficial it is to my boys!

Location, location, location.

stay at home

Since making this blog private, I have written less. And I have had much more time on my hands to get things done. Have I suffered emotionally? Not sure. My relationship has certainly improved with my next door neighbors, not that it consumes me much.

I feel we have gotten to a pretty calm start to this year. I resolve to keep the environment calm and productive at home and not get too stressed out on their behalf.

Today, I bumped into Becky who told me so far so good with 7th grade and somehow mentioned what  a huge mess her son's papers were, all of last year. We commiserated. She told me about how she bought him a filing cabinet for this year, where every test and graded piece of homework would be filed away. Every Sunday. It's such a great idea. And this is what I did this afternoon when I had a little time. I made Jake his own filing folders.

I responded to emails about being Belac's class parent.

I went through Belac's drawers and weeded out clothes that were either too small or unwearable. I hung a dry erase pad on the door leading out that lists: Do you have: Cell Phone, Watch, Lunch, Backpack, (Umbrella)? Have a great day!

I ran and folded 3 loads of laundry.

I organized my desk and shelves.

And now I am about to make banana bread. Do I sound utterly domestic?

Well, I start teaching next week and on more committees than I care to admit. I'm not 100% home. I have a concerts in a month and am practicing.... But the truth is. I don't regret this time at all.

Alyssa told me a couple of week ends ago that EB wants her to stay home and she was conflicted. For me it's a no brainer. It doesn't pay for me to work more because of babysitting costs.... But EB's making a high six figure salary from what I gather. She's a medical doctor but the family doesn't need her income, which is also high but less than his. What nags me most about their situation is that their kids are now on their like 5th nanny. Back to the one they used to hate and once described as white trash when they let her go years ago... Their family life is messy and lacks a certain stability despite all the money in the world. I bite my tongue and say nothing. I'm glad I don't have their dilemma or their lifestyle to maintain. I'm glad that my kids have me around most of the time. And I'm obviously very lucky to be in this position and to be more than ok about it from a work/ego perspective.