match making

I asked an old friend to give Belac art instruction. He doesn't work with kids and is not exactly a teacher. He actually does art for a living. But somehow I think this could be good. I think he has the capacity to understand Belac and figure out how to make the time productive. I think he will figure out how to answer Belac's questions and show him how to do a lot of different and interesting things that could challenge and inspire him. I hope I'm right.

The connection is important. This morning, I went to Belac's 2nd tennis lesson. It's local and the teachers are supposed to be good, but this one does not understand how to work with Belac at all.  The goal was for him to not be afraid of the ball. To practice hand eye coordination, to be eventually able to volley a little with another person. But this was not working. Today, I suggested that she be much more firm and follow through with the exercises. To have a bunch of drills they could switch to when she starts to lose him. Demonstrate much more and talk much much less. He zones out at the yackity yack. In fact, it might be better overall if she never opened her mouth. She'd certainly get his attention more....  Can she figure out how to work with him? To meet him where he is? I was very encouraging and upbeat with his teacher but the jury's still out on this one. 

This morning I taught 2 of my best students. My time with the two makes me particularly proud. And you know why? Because they are clearly students who need some out of the box instruction and they are blooming! But it means i have to figure out anew, every week, how to make the most of our time together. Honestly, that's 75 percent of it as long as you also have the goods to offer: making the connection. 

Hopeful about my friend and Belac.

Hello

Heard hubby's phone ringing and buzzing this morning while he was in the shower. Then my phone rang. It was my mom. "You're not home," she said. No, I'm not. How are you? do you need something? I asked. No, she said and then hung up. And that is my mother for you.

calm

It's 8:15 and Belac is still sleeping. It's amazing. Is it because we had ac last night, the unnoisy kind? Because his room is so dark? Because there is so much calm in the house? First time in weeks?  I personally did not sleep so well, and felt on 'alert' with unusual noises and a grandfather clock that kept going off every hour! Still, we have moved right into friends' house that are away. Our tastes are different but our casual lifestyle is very similar and we just took our places naturally....  It's now 15 minutes until we leave for camp. I hate to wake my baby but we will have 12 more nights of sleep like this, hopefully, and then we should be back at a quiet home.

cleanse

This is half of my music library. The scores above are mostly inherited from my beloved piano teacher, Mrs. A. Moving every book upstairs today. In fact, the entire main floor will be stripped of all its belongings by tomorrow except for the pianos.

I love that any thing that returns to the main floor will be useful or beautiful or goes straight out the door for charity or trash. This is an opportunity for a serious cleanse. Looking forward to a new and improved, simple and efficient way of being.

earnings

Anthony, the camp director, writes an open letter to parents everyday. He is a really personable guy and it shows in his writing. The other day, he shared a story about kids being kids and figuring things out. He was visiting all of the camp classes and took a seat in one. A kid said to him "hey, get out of my seat!" God, I thought, I hope that wasn't Belac. He went on to say that another kid said "do you know who you're talking to?"

That afternoon, Anthony was directing pick up traffic. Your letters are great, I told him out my window, and if that happened to be my son who booted you from your seat, I'm so sorry! No, no, no... he said with a chuckle. Remind me to tell you another story sometime, he added, as I was shooed along to drive forward.

Drove up to the designated cone to pick up the boys. No Belac, just Jake. Over and over they called him on the load speakers. Where was he? He was downstairs in the late pick-up room....

Tonight I wrote to Anthony after putting the kids to bed:

This is mom of Jake and Belac Snowflake, 2 first-timers. In the car line, today, I was the mom who worried aloud that it was my child who told you "hey, get out of my seat!" (We are working on his manners and patience.) I just wanted to tell you that the same boy I worried about (Belac) told me tonight when I tucked him into bed: "Mom, I like camp so much that when it's over, I wish it was the next day again." Maybe that's why he ended up in the late pick up room, today, because he didn't want to leave! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that my boys are having a fabulous time and talk non stop about what goes on at camp. Thanks for everything.  Gimky

This is why I don't want to carpool with anyone and would rather take any kid in the neighborhood who needs a ride. If I'm not working, what is more important than picking up my own kids and having these small but sometimes meaningful interactions with the teachers? And if it really was my child who behaved badly, I want to know so that Belac can apologize and learn from the experience. How else to get anyone to tell me anything if I don't show up and make myself approachable?

The other day, it somehow came up with friends what I make every year. They couldn't believe how little it was. They are both high income professionals. That's groceries!! he pointed out. (We're obviously good friends.) It's true, I laughed, but it still really helps! I now have a 401K and an IRA, I bragged with a chuckle. Plus, I didn't want to say, I actually 'make' so much more. I don't pay for a sitter AND I'm with my kids every single day until they are off and home every time they come back, and every single night at bedtime except for 3 weeks a year. I also work for myself and no one tells me what to do. Taking all that into account and taxes, it's actually pretty huge that I earn enough to pay for all of our food. I have the least amount of stress, despite my kids' challenges because I get a lot of quality time with them. And the thing is, I really don't have anything to prove and am fine with people thinking I am a stay-at-home mom or that my earnings are inconsequential. Who is the luckiest one of all?

changes

BEFORE: a kitchen that felt boxed in by peninsula, pillar and above beam

AFTER: removal of fridge wall, new pantry with frosted glass door utilizing space from oversized hall closet, enlarged opening to dining room, where I'm standing. Now basement, mudroom, and family room empty directly into kitchen instead of a dark hallway.  

BEFORE: a beam and penninsula interfered with light and flow

AFTER: beam was raised, new windows and skylights, wood floor added to match the rest

the right way

Ok fine. We will do this right. My piano mover of like 16 years is coming to move both pianos. (Who in the hell moves THAT much that they have such a relationship with a piano mover?)The pianos are going in the family room and the ac window unit will be on during the day with blinds closed, off at night. I also need to move literally a thousand piano scores upstairs for safe keeping, but first I have to make room in a very cluttered, messy upstairs. My contractor breathed a sigh of relief. Gimky, he said to me, I'm glad we can do this right.

the pianos

How much would it cost to wrap up my grand piano to store down the hall and against the wall in the family room, only to be brought back one week later, unwrapped and set up again? I paid $395 for it to be moved from the rental to our house, less than a mile away. In this case, we wouldn't need a truck but someone would have to come out twice....

I didn't realize it, but the contractor's plan was to sand and stain the wood floor of 3 connecting rooms so it would all match. We took down walls and enlarged openings and blended old and new wood floor together. He really believes the best thing would be to sand everything down, since the floor boards are going in the wrong direction to stop at any good spot. So either we just eat the cost of what was already paid and do just a third of the living room and have a potential stripe, or I figure out how to get the grand piano out of there. The upright I'm assuming we can roll ourselves. 

How important is this? Ask me on a day when I've had more sleep. I'm not thrilled about having a beautiful floor at the expense of having my piano leaning on it's side, against a wall of a room filled with appliances, tools and so much other crap, and relying on a wall ac running 24/7 in order to protect the soft varnish under all those blankets. Only the next owner of this house will notice something inconsistent about the floor, right?

The piano mover is calling me back. $395 is my guess to do the above plan. But if we were to do this right, he'd take both pianos away, store them in his temperature controlled shop where they'd be insured while under his care, and then brought back in a week. I just came to a decision and the answer is No. I'm not moving the pianos.

tossing and turning

Up since 3am, tossing and turning. How should I install an ac unit so the workers today won't drown in their sweat? Then I worried about not taking advantage of our health savings account properly in the last years. Did I really use the card for everything possible? We had just seen specialists for Jake's eyes, and there I was again. Using our credit card because the card provided by our insurance company was not working. Did I know where I put the receipts in order to make a deduction from the account?

Today was the boys' 1st day of camp. Should I have written a letter about Belac? I didn't reach out to anyone about him. But I did manage to write ADD on his medical form, a tip to anyone who was looking for info about him that there is some sort of attention issue.... And what were we going to do about the floors? Is it crazy I'm having the contractor sand just 1/3 of the living room floor? I didn't want the pianos being moved out, I mean, what would it cost to have them wrapped and moved into our already stuffed family room for a week? There's no temperature control and I'm afraid in this heat, the piano varnish would melt under the blankets and wrappings. If he could just match the existing floor color there, who will notice that only half the floor was done...?

I'm also thinking about my mom. I think she did not have a proper upbringing and that her parents did not show love to her. Her weight, despite one time being a ballerina, all of her mysterious and chronic ailments and her inability to pull herself up and out of this state.... It's just sad. Infuriating to see when you are near, sad when you're 600 miles away.  My mom has now deactivated her facebook account. And why? She loved facebook. It was a way to be connected and see photos of people she cares about, especially her grandkids. Why would she purposely isolate herself like this? Really? Because she doesn't want to see me that much that she unplugs herself from everyone? Or maybe because it makes her even more sad about her life to see what's going on in everyone else's...?

Frank Lloyd Wright

I offered up an hour of cocktail music at a local fundraiser, a few months ago, and someone "won" me for $300. Today, I played light classical and show tunes in one of the most beautiful homes I have ever visited. Driving home, it dawned on me how totally wild it is, that in my adult life, I've developed such an appreciation and interest in mid 20th century and beyond architecture.

The house, today, was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. It was sizable enough, but just one story and blended impressively into the surrounding woods. There was a passway in the middle of the house to the natural landscape out back and I loved the rustling of the trees and the low sun shimmering through. Leaving, I had to get my bearings. The rooms were not quite symmetrical and I think the house's footprint was probably V-shaped. I noticed that there was not any distinct "back" and "front" of the house. The back could be the front and the front could be the back, and all the doors simply let "out." The rooms were warm feeling and had good light. The wood was refreshingly exposed and without the slathered on paint of yesterday and today. The space was compact yet spacious and open feeling. And I admired the furnishings. So simple and unremarkable, so functional and elegant.

To be honest, it was weird to be "hired help" for this party. It's one thing to pay my way through school doing this stuff and being totally poor and wanting to be paid to do this kind of thing and not caring if I was whoring myself. It's really easy for me. I can play and read anything! But here I was, years later, a Juilliard trained pianist and no one was listening to one phrase of sparkly Mozart and sweet renditions of Rodgers & Hammerstein tunes. Live background music is weird in a way. Maybe some Pandora in this instance would have sufficed?

Still, I was happy to catch a tiny glimpse of this house. I so wish I had the nerve to look around! It's what a house should be. Not a humungous mansion with dusty rooms. Not some statement of wealth. Not a sum of it's numbers. It should be unpriceable. Thoughtful and respectful of its surroundings.  Beautiful!

What a house!

friends

The dog has not been at home for 2 weeks. He's been at Kati's. He was otherwise traumatized by all the noise and banging of the previous weeks and being confined to the sunporch. He spent his days at home chewing endlessly at his paw to the point it was bleeding. I was so relieved when Izzy begged to take him and Kati put her foot down and demanded that he move in with them. We visit and he's right at home there. The family loves and spoils him with attention. Now the kids are going to Hungary, late tonight, and we bring him home. It's going to be once again horrible for the dog. I just hope he doesn't start chewing on his paw again...

He just has to endure another few hot, dusty, noisy days of this until we move into our friends' house on Thursday. At least my kids can spend hours at the town pool and they will be starting camp. We bring Bailey out for walks, but there's absolutely no place for him to safely roam inside or out while construction is happening. Last night, the kids pitched a tent in our friends' backyard and I laid in a clean bed inside. I felt so grateful for the friends we have in Sunny Patch. Could this have ever happened at the house with the hill? To have friendships where we take care of each other. To be able to walk around barefoot and sautee a few things in a pan and to be so easily welcomed somewhere else by people we like spending time with... it was like being in a 10 star hotel. I say it all of the time, but it's true. We are so lucky.

summer

What. A. Day.

Last day of school at elementary school. Every teacher Belac ever had in 4 years received a hand written message in a card with Belac's drawing on the front. That's a lot of writing! Interestingly enough, though, there were just 2 hugs that made me emotional. One hug happened, yesterday, with the hall monitor. There were years I saw her each and every morning when I dropped Belac off at her desk. She had seen everything and over the years, we had become friendly. Eventually, this intensely private person would share personal info about her own children knowing it would help me.... And then there was Belac's 1st grade teacher. GIMKY! What is this for?? We hugged. He's graduating! You were with us in the very beginning, you were such an amazing teacher for him. The best, I added and started crying. I just couldn't leave this place, today, without thanking you again. Oh my God! she said, crying, too. And then I was off, she had her current kids to say good byes to.

Hubby was home early on this last day of school. There was Monster's University, the town pool and friends. There was dinner on the porch and friends walking by and joining us for a drink and conversation well past dark. This crazy house that has needed so much stripping and repair and TLC has truly delivered in a special way. It's located a half mile from town and on a main artery, but we still have privacy since it sits sideways. It's on a street that accommodates 30 parked cars, and so I've had a ton of casual interaction with teachers. And the sidewalk! It gets us everywhere and everyone here.

And now we are making progress on our kitchen. Pain in the butt and pocketbook as it has been, we've had the opportunity to make it truly our own. Someone said, last night, it's better to fix everything before you move in for just these pain in the ass reasons. He was aware that our house has been under constant rehabilitation since time of purchase 3 years ago. The thing is, we weren't in the position to do everything all at once and I actually think it's so much better that way. There's nothing like having to budget or actively figure out how to make things work within certain restrictions or embark on the search for the silver lining. From the day Belac received his diagnosis, we've pretty much had to practice these 3 things every day in one shape or form. We're better people because of it. Much better than we otherwise would have been, I believe, because our various circumstances have prevented us from taking things for granted.

What a ride it's been! Belac is now in Middle School. Jake is cleaning up his room, now, after reading for hours. Hubby coming home after 30 miles on the trail. I just love summer.

5:45

The kids are getting up with hubby tomorrow at 5:45 to go for a run. No joke. Belac wants to run 8 laps around the track! Then they will eat Bkfst in town before coming home with coffee for me. Yes, at 545 I'm dealing with teacher gifts. They are beautiful. And today when I hugged the school hall monitor with the very first card i wrote, I cried. Just cried. There were years I saw her everyday and later, she really helped me understand the bigger picture. 

Last day of school. Last day of elementary school. Amazing. Scary. Bittersweet. 

Home away from home

Spent 3 glorious hours at the pool. Hubby joined in time to do some laps before we were the last to leave. We all hung out on the porch til bedtime. Tomorrow I have a whole day out planned. And Saturday we pitch a tent in the backyard of Robby's house for the kids and we sleep inside their house. They are planning to leave next week for a 10 day vacation and we will be "house sitting."

We aren't usually such free loaders, I told them, but that we couldn't say no to your offer speaks to the current dysfunction at home. Our house is a dusty, disastrous mess and we've been avoiding being here.

We love you, they said, our house is your house, end of discussion!

And so it is. We have the nicest friends in Sunny Patch.

graduation

Belac graduated elementary school today. We sat with Lulu, Kati and the flower's family. Just somehow found each other. It was sweet. Mostly throughout the ceremony I just felt like whatever. It's just 4th grade, everyone graduates 4th grade. Then Maggie, the principal, asked those whose last was graduating today to stand. Kati, Lulu, Dot, Robby and our families, we all stood. I never fully realized that we shared that commonality and looking at each other, I almost weeped. It's amazing that we have these friends, really good friends, the best friends in Sunny Patch, and all because of Belac, the kid who often makes me tear my hair out.

I waved at flower's mom, I chatted with flower's father about an alarming board of trustees meeting I had sat in on until almost midnight the night before. I'm done with trying to play it cool. We like them, our son loves her, I adore her, and I took a picture of the two of them, dressed in their Sunday's best and giving thumbs' up. There was Izzy, who I hugged and hugged. So proud of her beautiful speech as class president of the 4th grade. She is Belac's true blue, best friend and she is like a daughter to me...

At a grad party at Dot's house afterwards, where most everyone above came with a dish. Long after everyone was gone, I sat with her on the couch talking about anything and nothing. Her daughter, for the first time, left and came back over an orthodonist appointment. By herself. She is also on the spectrum and this was huge. Dot and I clapped and gave her a standing ovation.

We are so lucky for our amazing friends, I told her as I left, look at our community.  Ugh! she told me, this city girl at the core, I'm never going to be able to leave Sunny Patch!

neighbors

We had the loveliest dinner, last night, with new neighbors up the street. Like surprisingly good. Like I was so relaxed at this family's house eating chicken and rice and sipping wine and bouncing their rambunctious daughter in my lap. All the kids ran off when they were finished, it was so easy. They are a caucasian couple with 2 adopted children from Korea. And guess what? They both have needs. One more than the other, and I know it's anything but easy.

I see how the dad talks to Jake, who is easy going and has freaky facts to share. In this setting, he is the role model for all the little ones, including Belac. It's so great for Jake to be looked up to and appreciated so! I see how the little girl is so attached to Jake and how she really does bring out the best in him. He looks out for her. He comes to us when he notices there is a problem, holds her hand when she wants it and pokes back playfully at her. Last night I saw her pounce on him, it looked like it almost hurt and in that split second, I wondered if he'd be annoyed. He certainly wouldn't tolerate that behavior from his brother. In return he immediately pounced on her, but with the most exaggerated slow motion and softest touch and she laughed her head off. I see how the dad does not blink an eyelash when Belac overreacts about something and tries to help. Then when hubby showed up, a big plate of food and a glass of red instantaneously appeared in front of him, and I saw that we were able to continue the easy banter about all the things that bind us....

You know what, I realize? Their house, modest as it is and "new" as it is for Sunny Patch (1980s I think) is really the perfect size and thoughtfully laid out. I really believe the inner state of your house reflects a lot about a family. These parents, I could see, are organized and don't have a lot of stuff, and the stuff they do have is either useful or beautiful. By keeping it simple, the focus can be their kids and relationships. Hard as it might be with 2 young kids demanding so much attention, I really felt so effortlessly welcomed and cared for and at peace in their house. She also told me that they had looked at a lot of houses in Sunny Patch and she had had her heart set on something old and charming, most of the housing stock here. But it was her hubby that set her straight on what they could really afford and reasonably maintain over the long term. I have huge respect for that discipline and mindfulness. All of this goodness shows and shines in this sweet home they have made for their family.

We're going to become good friends, I can just tell.

the way

People used to ask my MIL if hubby's father was Asian. My FIL is not. But hubby played the piano well and was not tall and had the black hair. I could sort of see how people would wonder if he were Asian....

I was quite relieved to come home, in the wee hours of this morning. A place where I am accustomed to life being a little more straight forward. Where I can tell hubby and my kids I'm mad or sad or whatever it is. A place where people kiss and make up and things are not left to fester because you're holding it all in or slamming doors. Hubby is not your typical American yacker (he's Canadian, after all) nor is he the silent and proud Asian type. Instead, he's something in between and something all his own. He is unafraid of dealing with tricky subjects succinctly and dealing with my parents. He's just nice to my mom, calls her up and says hi when neither of my sisters or I dare. He never holds grudges and is emotionally generous. He's not afraid to take responsibility or hold others responsible, but he's also able to kindly look the other way when necessary. The other thing is, he hates gossip. He thinks we need to focus on ourselves and not gloat or get side tracked by what the others are doing or thinking. I love this about him.

In a very good fundamental way, my way of life today is vastly different from my way of life growing up.  I'm proud that this is the home my kids are growing up in, and for all this, I really have hubby to thank.

The house has reached another level of mayhem.

The bat/flying squirrel remediation is being completed today and there are ladders everywhere. There are guys cutting vents in the floors. Dust everywhere. A wall is being busted through to install a door between garage and house. More dust. Kitchen shaping up. And now I am cleaning out garage and basement, dealing with literally dozens of paints, stains and thinners from the previous owner, most all of it out and open to harden in the sun....

Have I ever mentioned how I hate having stuff?

Peace

I feel bad for my mom. If forced to articulate what's going on in her head, I don't think she'd know how to begin. She's emotional and confused.

Little sis wrote. I'm sorry. I don't know why she acts the way she does. In the end, it's best to ignore the bad behavior and look past it, as hard as it is. We just saw childhood friends lose their father. Next weekend we will visit a mother losing her 8 yo son. It probably makes me less close to mom by ignoring her behavior but it keeps the peace. She can enjoy a relationship with my kids.

I did not and will not take that check from my mom. However I thanked her for everything and gave her a hug at the airport. My sister is right and tells me what my dad has told me my whole life when it comes to my mom. It can be so hard because nothing makes any sense sometimes. Keep the peace. I'm trying.

Funeral

It was beautiful. I cried and laughed and helped with friends' boys. There were hundreds of people there, a testament to the lives this modest man touched. Several I hadn't seen in 25 years. It makes you think about how you want to be remembered. About legacy. About how you want to spend your time. Now waiting for little sis to show at the memorial service. Just a few minutes together before the next service and then on a flight. Lots of food for thought. To this loving father and his beautiful family. I love them dearly and may they be in peace.

Older sis

I'm not fucking taking her check. I have never been treated more terribly by anyone but mom!! I'm telling you now, older sis, I'm leaving quietly, not causing any trouble. Take her check, I don't care, but   i am never taking one red cent from her!!! i was sobbing and in a quiet rage in the car.

Gimky, she tells me, I told mom she has to friend you and she gave me her phone. 

And that's how we became FB friends. Because the one sister who never speaks up put her foot down. And they lived happily ever after. Right?

What did I ever do to her?  Why is she so willing to try to make things miserable for me? 

Psychotic-ness

My mom gave each of her 3 daughters an envelope. What's in it? I asked. She wouldn't say. Mom, I tell her, whatever it is, lets call it even. I had my own envelope to give you.

No, she tells me, its from dad.

Well, I shrug, mine's from hubby, then.

My parents recently sold a piece of property and they wanted to give each daughter a check.

Mom, I tell her, having some sort of idea that it might be a fair enough exchange, let's call it even. I won't take your check and you won't take mine.

No,  she says, the other thing is between SYL and dad. This is different.

Mom, then be my FB friend and I will take the check, I say half jokingly.

You know what? She won't be my friend. Can you believe it? She wouldn't give me her phone to accept my friend request and outright refused. I looked at my older sis who could only sigh. And you know what? I'm not taking that check. No fucking way. I put it in her pile of mail. I don't care how much it is or how much she wants to give it to me or how many ways I could use it.  I don't want a dime from her. Even if my sisters take those checks and I mess up my mom's plan of always giving equally, I really don't care. It's already unfair in the worst way.

texts with mom

Coming home for his funeral?

Yes. I arrive tomorrow night at 930PM.

Okay, I will pick you up. I know Lori will be very happy to see 3 of you.

Thanks.

Dad's not home, he's in Boston.

Oh! I forgot about that.


That makes me laugh out loud. Father's Day without my dad. My mom not speaking to me for weeks and now I'm essentially showing up at her doorstep. No one to help make it nice between us. There's nothing like a death to put our stupid grievances aside.

24 hours in Michigan

Packing for our camping trip but also for a funeral. My childhood friend's dad died, this morning, and funeral is Sunday. My sister booked a flight home too. I don't know what to say, Gimky, my friend wrote. You don't have to say anything, i wrote back. I'm just sorry we didn't have the chance to play Mendelssohn one last time for him.

I wrote to my little sis and asked her to tell my parents I'm coming and to make reservations somewhere for Father's Day dinner. I should be a good girl and stay with them, too, I said. Yes, she agreed, you should. This is the week end my mom is going to get over whatever bone she has to pick with me. She has to. Our friend has died. Life is short.

tgif

It's been raining and it's cold. Hubby and I have been inclined to wait 'til tomorrow to camp. But Mom, Jake told me on our way to school, the floor is water proof and we have a tarp! I know, but if it's raining while we put up the tent, it's going to be wet.... Mom! We'll put it up fast, we did it once, c'mon Mom....

The boys are so excited about this trip and have been counting down the days. Hubby, who gets home later after being away all week, had the grand idea of chilling by a fire in the house and leaving tomorrow. We are hesitant newbies at this camping thing, but this morning I am buoyed by the boys' enthusiasm and go-to attitude. I listened to the boys' non-stop plans through breakfast. Soon I'll be off to meet hubby for lunch and he will be shocked. I'm actually voting with the kids, on and off rain and all. 3-1. It means we leave tonight.

I love that this is the kind of trip that gets my kids going. The kind where we bike and swim all day and then gather wood to make fires and roast marshmallows in the evenings. My kids are nature lovers and know how to rough it, withstand a little rain or heat, push through the last mile to the top.... That we can enjoy being outside all day and exploring together is something I love about my family. It bonds us. And how grateful I am that Belac, little as he is, manages to keep up with all the long hikes, bike rides and outings. It's huge. He's my little sumo tortoise!

T minus 7. Woo hoo!

almost 4 weeks

Electrical wiring and plumbing finished. Sheet rock complete. Windows and skylights in. Inspections passed. Wood floors (old ones could not be salvaged) and painting to happen next week. The appliances, sink and faucet have all arrived. And then we wait idly for almost 3 weeks for the IKEA cabinet install in July. We are well ahead of schedule, having allowed a lot of extra time. Today the guys were all at George's funeral, a part-time worker on the team... It's sad and awful. Good there's time for everyone to do what they need to do.... Thank you to George for helping us with the house. I wish I could have helped you. RIP.

final purchases

Nothing is designer or particularly fancy. Everything purchased with best value for money in mind and a minimalist, easy-to-clean decor.  I hope this is IT for the next long while!

porcelain penny tile for the backsplash, 

found it hugely discounted for just a few bucks per square foot!

3 pendants for the island. Will they really last 17 years? 

At $125/piece, I'm keeping the receipt just in case.

And for making summer sleeping more bearable:

Emerson for upstairs

Minka for upstairs

step 1

At 7:50pm, last night, Jake came to me and told me he couldn't find his science glossary that had been due that day. I had helped him bind it, last week. He had finished this 25 paged thing long ago. It was definitely not at home. OMG! Why didn't you have it ready in your bag for today? Why didn't you tell me 2 hours ago so I could help you?? We went to school. The doors were locked. He was weeping, I was sighing and lecturing aggressively and non-stop on the ride home.

This, after just the day before, he couldn't find his Science lab. Something he finished over the week end but needed to turn in on Tuesday. He couldn't find it when he got to school. It was bedtime and he just remembered. I looked on top of his desk and there it was. You mean this? 5 points off. 10 points off. It just drives me crazy that he cannot reliably follow through. He does his good work but he has so much trouble getting everything into the hands of his teacher. It brings his grade down substantially. It causes so much stress for all of us. We have tried everything with him and he just can't remember.

I yelled at him and was ready to tear my hair out. Lost my cool completely. Hubby asked me later on the phone, so do you think that helped?  Well, you got yelled at growing up and I certainly did, too! We both got it far worse discipline wise. Maybe it's time for me to yell. Maybe it's okay for me to lose my cool. Maybe it's the only way to get through to him the way our parents got through to us. What do you want me to do? It's okay, honey, you tried your best? So he feels better about this problem? The only way he's truly going to feel good about this is to fix it! It entails feeling the urgency and frustration. By us not letting this pass!! It's not just about the grades, it's about being organized and reliable, things that affect everything! This is a kid, remember, that needs to reduce stress in his life.

I went to bed worried that I had been too negative with my boy. I had kissed him good night and told him that I believed in him. That I wasn't going to give up on him, helping him learn to keep track of his own stuff. His eyes overflowed as I switched off his light. Ugh.

This morning at 7am, his light was on but he was not in his room. Instead, I found him already dressed and sitting at the breakfast table downstairs with his French text book. He has a test on Friday. Good for you, Jake! I told him, wow!  I'm just reviewing the vocab, he told me. Do you want a peanut butter and jelly for breakfast? I asked. Yes, he replied, thanks mom. What time do you need to be in school, today? I asked casually, knowing full well. He thought about it. Well, not until 8:30 but I'm going to leave by 7:45 to look for my science glossary, he explained. Good idea, I told him, and what if you still can't find it? Well, he thought about it, maybe I could ask someone to help me. Sounds good, I said, and if you still can't find it, you can call me after school and I'll come and help you look for it okay? Okay.

This morning, I couldn't find my car keys for 5 minutes. They weren't in my purse. They weren't on any usual surface. I thought back to when I used the car last. Eventually found the keys on my night stand of all places, where they had no business being. In those minutes I was reminded that I, myself, was not organized as a kid. I only learned to be because I later had another musical performance I didn't want to embarrass myself over or a scholarship that needed certain grades or a rent payment that needed to be made. Should I have yelled at him like that, last night? I think I shamed him and feel bad about it. It's a lot for him and he's just 12. Where was I at 12? Well, I know I can help him. How exactly? I don't know. But I'm determined and am going to try to keep it positive.  

camping

It's supposed to rain cats and dogs in the next days leading up to our camping trip. The boys and I decided to try setting up our new tent while the sun was shining. We watched the video, read the instructions and figured it out together. They are big enough to help and I couldn't do it alone. Kids from the cul-de-sac came to watch as it went up and then zipped themselves in with the boys. We also practiced putting up the rain cover and laying down the water proof mat....

Mom, isn't this just great? Belac asked, smiling from ear to ear, as he laid down in the tent. Mom, please can we sleep here, tonight?  Jake asked. Not a good idea because its raining until we leave for our trip. But I have an idea! When they polyurethane the floors, we'll definitely camp out here, okay?

On Friday we head up to Croton, where we'll camp with friends for the wknd and hang out at the Clearwater Music Festival. I love how people in Sunny Patch are generally so outdoorsy. Everyone likes to meet up over biking or hiking and you see the same people out walking and running. Since moving here, our family has bonded with other families over just these activities. And all because of them are we trying something new. We're going camping for real!

official invite

Belac's aide told me that the office called for Belac, today. She was alone with the entire class. Her first reaction was, Oh no! What happened? No, no, said the principal, it's good. Just send him. And so she did, alone.

Turns out, his drawing was selected for the official graduation invitation. He had his photo taken with the principal and was congratulated. What a great way to end the school year! A happy visit to the Principal's office, all by himself and for the best reason of all. I'm so proud of him.

the fam

It's a gorgeous day. Wait for me, I called out to Jake as I looked for the dog's leash, I'll come with you. Yay! he told me as we moseyed onto school. All year, we've been walking to school a few times a week. I love those 10 minutes. Yesterday, I volunteered at the garden. Belac's class came to plant peppers. MOM! he called out excitedly before running over proudly to stand next to me. With my arms wrapped around him, we listened to the teacher give instructions. And last night, hubby came home for a surprise visit with sushi under his arm. We all stopped everything for a couple of hours to just sit together in our cramped but cozy porch. Isn't this what it's all about?

My friend's wife had a brain aneurysm 2 weeks ago and is still in ICU because she continues to have brain spasms. I can't believe it. What can we do? I ask him, feeling utterly helpless.

Shit happens. No one is immune and you never know when it will come flying your way.

One thing is for sure. In this day and age, I won the lottery in the sense that I can be mostly home with my kids. Even though they often drive me crazy, I like being with them. It means everything to me that the feeling seems mutual.

today

3 miles outside in 35 minutes, my fastest time going to and from the pond. It was just the right speed and distance. And you know what that means? I made considerable progress since last year.

I now have the proper shoes, bra and cap. I now know to drink water as soon as I wake up and not to eat more than a few bites of toast before lacing up my shoes. I also know not to run in circles or I'll get bored and stop sooner than later. I need to run away from the house so I have no choice but to run all the way back. 

On Saturday, we pulled up into the parking lot and I was immediately intimidated. There was a guy pulling on a running cap and I think his entire spandex outfit was glow in the dark. People were doing fancy stretches I had never seen. Some people had running knee socks. Everyone had earphones and armbands, everyone was decked out in their own way. I didn't see one overweight person. Not one. This was not a 5K anymore. What was I doing there? OMG, what am I doing here? I asked hubby.

Whereas he got towards the front of the line, I put myself towards the back. And then I saw a woman in her 60s near me. She was wearing loose clothes, powder blue kulats, sunglasses and a visor. She was very pale-skinned. Phew! I thought, at least there's a walker near me. And you know what? Shame on me! During the 1st mile, this woman passed me and I ended up following her for the first few! I eventually passed her, as I generally pick up speed going down hill and am pretty reckless in that regard, but she ended the race not far behind.

I would like to be so strong at that age. I want to always be able to see things and do things as the years pass, enjoy life. I don't ever want to be left behind. And what do I need to do that? No fancy clothes, gym membership or trainer. Just a lot of discipline to stay off my butt and a good pair of sneakers. 

It's so obvious but lately I've been thinking about it. I'm not going to be able to come back and live my life again. My kids are growing up and I'm only getting older. Maybe I am over compensating because I feel my own mom's despair, but even from her story I have learned. I want to live a life I can be proud of and be a good role model for my kids. There's no day like today!

Week 1

another movie poster in progress
of one of of Belac's movies 6/2013

About to go for a 3 mile run as per this training program. It's the only schedule that seems doable for me as it builds distance very gradually.

Not sure I have the stamina for this, but I might as well ride the wave and see where this goes. And not to go crazy, but I see that I could run a 10K in NYC and a 10K in Valhalla in the months leading up to the half marathon in November. The thing is, I realize it's a great way to see parts of NY I'd otherwise never be able to without the usual car traffic....

And my other thought is. If I were a little leaner, like 5-10 pounds less, I'd have less trouble carrying myself up the hills.

Goals are good.

being faithful

Hubby is on a work trip all week. A whole swath of his company is in intensive team building and training together.

How many are female? I asked hubby, and are any of them cute?

Hubby laughed.

Well...?

Gimky! he resisted but then thought about it. Okay, 60-40, everyone's married I think...

Doesn't matter if they are married, are any of them hot?

Giggling from both of us.

Okay! I told him, here's the rule. No touching! There's steak waiting for you at home, you know....

More laughter.

Can married couples really be faithful? Til death do us part? People live a long time these days and we all have our weak moments. Our bored and stupid moments and even our not so bored and stupid moments that have serious consequences.... I don't expect hubby to never look at another woman, or to not be attracted to someone else. I think it's natural to have attractions... Nor do I assume that I am the only one for him. In fact, there is one woman among all of our married friends that I am certain has a little bit of a crush on him. And if I were suddenly out of the picture, I wouldn't blame him. I love her and she has just the right dash of outrageousness and funniness that would be good for him. She has also run marathons. If I died, I'd pick her for him, even though she's married and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS be attracted to HER husband....

And so this is the stream of unconsciousness that unfolds when hubby is away.

tragedy

One of the guys on our house job was definitely special needs or slightly mentally off. I admired my contractor for having him on the job now and again. George came to help lift and install the support beams. Every now and then we chatted.

Contractor just came to me. Weepy. George committed suicide on Friday. Police found him with a self-inflicted bullet to the head in his garage. Oh my God!

Turns out George also had a 2 million dollar trust fund that his large extended family is swarming in to try to claim. What? Turns out that George used to carry groceries and take care of an old man in NYC. The old man left everything to George upon his death.

I asked Kyle, was it a special needs trust fund?

I don't know.

I'm sure there are stipulations about it. Of course, it would be nice if the money would go to the kids, but I'm sure that there are various change order scenarios spelled out to make sure the money doesn't go into the wrong hands. The old man had to have known that George was not all there....

To think this guy was blessed with a cushion of 2 million dollars. Even 2 children he absolutely adored and loved and spoiled. But you know what? Proof positive that money does not buy happiness and can't alone solve problems. In fact, he may have had too much money and too much time on his hands....

half

Hung out at the pool with Alyssa's family, yesterday. I couldn't spend another second in our dirty, dusty house. Her hubby asked, so what's next, Gimky?

Oh God, I haven't thought about it, I remarked as we watched the kids frolicking in the water. For sure I'll keep running, it's good for me. Maybe I should have a goal, though. I only ran because of the 5K and then the 10K. Not sure really.... But, I added something I always heard hubby say, I'm never running a marathon, let's be clear!

Never say never, he shrugged, you never know. Did you ever think you'd run a 10K...? So how about this half-marathon in town? he asked, what about that?

A half marathon? I rolled my eyes, don't be ridiculous.

Over dinner, we talked about aging and old photos we saw of ourselves together at our weddings. Whereas Alyssa and her hubby reminisced about those good old days, I couldn't agree in the same way. Hubby noted that he was in far better shape now than he'd ever been, and this was obviously the case for me, too. I'm happier and better adjusted with age, too.

This morning I made some calculations. It's almost 21 weeks until the half-marathon he mentioned. I found a 20-week training program that seems reasonable enough. Who knows?

lucky 13th

Hubby and I celebrated our 13th, last night. Our anniversary is not until the 11th, but he's going to be gone all week, starting today. We did our usual thing. We went to Red Hat for dinner and had drinks by the river. And this time, we stopped by Rockefeller on the way home and took in the sunset. I admired the sky and inhaled the fragrance of my surroundings in a way I was entirely unable, earlier in the day. It was beautiful.

I think we're doing pretty good, right? hubby asked. Yes, we are, I agreed, sitting close and leaning in.

My hubby helps me be a better person than I otherwise would be. Were it not for him, I'd be a lot more confused in my natural state and would be drowning in my jumbled emotions. He encourages me to keep it simple and to take the high road, always. To let things go. To be a little more black and white about things. He listens to me. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but there is honestly no one that I trust more in this world, no one who understands me better or roots for me harder.

You know, hubby said to me, I'm the one that's lucky. I could introduce you to a thousand guys and every single one would go for you. Me. Well, I have limited appeal. Only a certain kind of person would want me.  Awww... that's not true, hubby! I argued.

Hubby and I were just friends for a very long time. It was 10 years before our first date, and I did meet plenty of his girlfriends, hardly the 'limited' appeal he claims. But once we found each other the last time, from that point on, it was straight forward between us. Always. How he felt, what his intentions were, why he wanted me and no one else, even if his parents did not 100% approve of Jewish boy + Asian girl. I found out, yesterday, that hubby has been calling my parents on his way home from work, just to say hi and keep in touch. Facebook friend or not, he's undeterred. He's kind. I love him for being a doer and thinking of me.

The truth is, you could introduce me to a thousand guys and I'd only want one. This one. And how lucky I am that once upon a time he wanted me.

tortoise and the hare

Ran the 10K in 1:11:35. Slow and steady got it done. Did you see the view over the bridge? hubby asked later, can you  believe how beautiful it was? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy concentrating on my feet and trying not to slip in the mud. I was too busy trying to breath going up hills. Every now and then I set my sights on others ahead of me.

During most of the hour, a young couple and I must have passed each other literally a dozen times. They ran much faster than me but did not have stamina. They'd run half a mile, walk a little, run another half mile, then walk again... And each time they walked, I passed them. Each time they ran, they passed me. Me, on the other hand, I just kept running at my steady pace. Who would win? I thought, the tortoise or the hare?

Especially up until the 3rd mile the trail was very hard for me, the first mile took me almost 16 minutes! At this rate I was definitely going to be 90 minutes! But I did as hubby had instructed. Conserve your energy! I just kept going at my own pace and never stopped. And then at the 4th mile, the strangest sensation came over me when the trail became more flat. A volunteer at a turn called out, now's the time to pick it up! And I obediently did. I picked up my tempo and ran considerably faster than before, almost my top speed, and felt 'in the zone' for the first time. The last 2 miles felt almost easy, actually, like I was sailing along. Hubby, at the finish line since 51 minutes, was shocked as he caught sight of me coming around the bend and passing a couple of people. He was not expecting me so soon and had to scramble to get his phone out for a picture.

Leaving Rockefeller, the couple approached me. Nice job! the guy told me. And then I laughed out loud to hear the girl say, the tortoise won! My thoughts exactly.

That's me, the tortoise alright! I chuckled, great job to you guys, too!

new sneakers

Aren't these so cute? My right arch just kept hurting and so I finally went to the Westchester Road Runner's Club. There, they measured my feet and watched me walk. Then I tried on 3 different pairs of shoes and got onto their treadmill and ran. I loved the fit of the very first pair and kept going back to them.

Sorry to be such a girl, I said, but do these come in another color? I'm really not crazy about powder blue.... The guy came back holding this pair. Perfect!

I've run a couple of times in them and the shoes feel great. My first pair of running shoes, not cross trainers, and what a difference they make. Only thing is the trail is going to be a swamp, tomorrow, and they have advised everyone to wear 'old' sneakers. I'm going to wear these anyway. What would I be saving them for? It's 10K and I need all the help I can get! Wish me luck. Seriously.

surgery

From almost the same vantage point, 3 weeks later.

Quite literally, the house has undergone open heart surgery. The long dark hallway, shown in the before-picture, is now gone and part of the kitchen. Four rooms that led into this hallway (mudroom, family room, bathroom, basement) now empty straight into the kitchen. The opening between dining and kitchen has also been enlarged. Obstructions have been removed, beams replaced and fortified, and walls/floor will be thoroughly insulated. With easy access to the kitchen from every room, the house just breathes better.

And guess what? With just the removal of that one wall and enlarged openings, our kitchen, dining room and living room are now wheel chair friendly. I love that Jake's bar mitzvah tutor, paralyzed from the neck down, will now be able to come to dinner. I love it. No part of this renovation makes me prouder than making this house a place that welcomes and accommodates everyone. (Oh! And the decision to go with LEDs everywhere.)

reply to all

My mom responded to 2 group emails, addressing me and hubby directly.

The first was regarding the logistics of housing for our northern Michigan trip. I didn't care, but she wanted to put us in a room where my kids would not have to sleep on the floor. The other was a response to Belac's drawing for the 4th grade invite. I had showed it in an email to family.

Great job! she replied to all. You should let him start oil painting.

So there you go. Once again, my mom and I will be fine.

Job

A couple years ago, I applied for a job at a private special needs school in NYC. It turned out to be a toss up between me and someone else. The other gal got the job and I was devastated. I loved everything about what this school stood for, would have wanted to send my own child, and was very fond of the main music teacher. Then we became friendly, when I later took a certification course at NYU where she is a professor. She wondered aloud to me at the end of the course if she and the school had made the right decision by going with the other person....

I'm just looking at all my email from list servers and what do I see?? An ad for a music teaching job at the very same school. Did it not work out with the puppet girl? Or is the main teacher leaving? Is it crazy? I really want to teach at THAT school. That school excites me. It's green, its holistic, the kids are just like my Belac, high functioning but with a whole host of quirks.... Do I have no shame? I am going to apply again.

4th grade invite

Belac worked for hours on this, tonight, and now wants to get up at 6:30am to finish. Here is what he drew on the cover of his invitation. I know I am his mom, but I am so proud of him. I think his drawing is so unique and tells a story. Notice the paw print (school emblem) in the fireworks and his growing self-portrait. He drew this in one, very long sitting. For drawing, he has an unbelievable attention span.

*******************
TO: 4th Grade Teachers

Please offer to your students the opportunity to design the "official" graduation invitation. All designs must be submitted to you by Friday, June 7, 2013 and must include:

*A creative cover that relates to graduation. (Attached 2012 invitation sample.)

*A page with: "SPE Fourth Grade Graduation", Date, Time, Place.

*All invitations must be in BLACK AND WHITE ONLY!
*All invitations must be on a single piece of folded 8-1/2 x 11 paper!
*Please leave 1/4" border.
********************

surprise list

Wall that was removed was partially supporting. What a shock to everyone. New beams required.

Stairs were found to be not supported properly and not up to code. Is that why they were so creaky? New supporting beams required.

6 pipes were covered with asbestos and needed to be removed, rerouted and replaced.

Vent pipe found going through supporting beam. Removal, rerouting and replacement necessary.

Most all old cross beams fortified, just in case. 

Fan from bathroom vented into kitchen. New fan, patched wall, and new hole directly to the outside.

Supporting beam below kitchen floor, the dirt crawl space, found to be eaten by termites. New beam.

Half the kitchen floor and bathroom found to be not insulated at all. It explains a lot. More insulation.

Shattered sky light upon removal, intended to be repurposed. New skylight.

LED track lighting to replace 4 high hats that wouldn't fit into ceiling. 

Anything else? Of course there will be. That's this house for you and in a way, what a miracle it's been standing all of these years.

10k for me

Gimky, hubby tells me, you will feel better even if you come in last. Don't quit!

Ugh. I will be 90 minutes at least and definitely last....

Fine, and you will feel great!

Hubby thinks that my mom has complicated feelings about me and my life. Did she have creative ambitions about ballet? or working? He recognizes that she has the strong need to be needed, and feels her escapes were always an attempt to get those around her to realize we need her... Makes sense. Hubby takes it a step further and wonders if my mom is jealous of me. Jealous of me, in particular? Maybe the three of us, but not just me! Yes, you, hubby thought aloud.

Gimky, it's clear the kids need you, and your students, your friends, all the volunteering you do all over the place.... these are strong relationships. But I have a kid with issues, she would have been publicly humiliated by him a million times over already and could not have dealt. She doesn't want my life! If anything it's the financial security, then.... No, hubby disagreed, it's not about money, Gimky. Your sisters are just as well off. But the kids need you. I do. Everybody does. And you handle it. It's the life she would have liked to live. So you're telling me that if I were overweight, depressed and incapable, that she would feel better about me? Yes, in a way. Better about herself, at least.

I'm her child. She should be proud of me.

Hubby is right about the race. Even if I'm last, I'll feel great for just finishing the 10k. And it's not out of spite. It's no longer the 5 year old me, sitting in the garage, cursing my mom and promising myself I'll never do this to my child when I grow up and I'll show her. It's the 43 year old me, knowing that I have to take care of myself and that I have the ability and the support to do so.

Time to put on my running shoes!

me and my mom, not

It rattles me that my mom is interacting so nicely with others on Facebook, like all is fine. Does she think about me? miss me? Somewhere, behind all those walls she's built, does she regret her behavior? Without any contact or further provocation, it's hard to imagine that she can keep the flames of her deep fury alive, but in this way my mom is talented. She is intensely sensitive and can hold serious grudges like no other person I know.

I am 43 years old and have my own family, a world away. But it's still hard to be rejected by my own mom. Even if it's happened time and time again for no good reason at all and all of my life, it's still hard. And now that I have my own children, I realize just how not of right mind my mom is. I have never come close to abandoning my kids. Ever. And even on our very worst days I could never say the things she said to me to my own kids. I know full well that very little of this has to do with me and is mostly about her. I remind myself she is not emotionally or mentally well. But I still can't help but take it personally. I'm her daughter and am generally so good to her. An honorable asian daughter. How can she treat me this way? inflict such pain? And do I really have no pride that I always go back for more?

undaughter?

I wonder how my mom feels about unfriending me, one week later. Was it worth it? Does she feel bad?  Or still justified...? And why did she unfriend my husband? Really, I would like to understand. He didn't do a thing and as far as I'm concerned, he is the most forgiving person when it comes to her. Does it pain her so much to catch sight of me? my kids? What did I really do? This can't be about my asking to be taken off a text thread, and in the nicest way, by the way. Is her intention to really disown me for this...? Unfortunately, she will never discuss it and I will never understand fully. Again, for the hundredth time, I just wait.

I'm sort of used to this kind of thing from my mom. All of my life, now and again, my mom has either abandoned me or written me off. And then somehow, days, weeks or months later, it blows over without a word. But this time, there is this quirky moderator that has us doing an unfamiliar song and dance: Facebook.

I can't see her wall and she can't see mine, but I do see her commenting on my sister's posts of her children. I see her interacting with people we both know. We used to have like 20 "mutual friends." She is not so tech savvy and probably isn't thinking about what I can and cannot see. Maybe it didn't seem like such a big deal at the time, but it has to sink in, now, that she no longer sees a single picture of my kids. I know she loves them and cares about their well-being. But she now lives 650 miles away and no longer has the easy and casual access to our life that Facebook provided. While my younger sis can attach an occasional picture or status involving my parents, neither sister lives nearby and can help my parents see what's going on with me.

In order for anything to go back to normal, my mother actually has to do a concrete thing. She has to pick up the phone when I call, respond to an email, or "accept" my friend request, the last being the easiest, most thoughtless action. She is a very stubborn and proud human being, though, and cannot bring herself to do it. Nor will she in a million years extend an invite to hubby. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't effect me. But you know what's most sad? Is that she is so willing to hurt herself to hurt me. And why consistently choose me of all her daughters? My older sis is emotionally detached from them, my younger sister can be the biggest pain in her ass. With me, she knows she can always get away with it and so she lashes out in her pain. Go figure. She gives the daughter who gives her the least trouble the worst time.

too hot

Came down to see hubby's bike parked in the hall. He was up at 4:45 for a massive bike ride. He's now nowhere to be found. You know where he is? I'm sure he's running around outside. It's insane! But that's hubby for you. He's going to be ready for the triathlon.

Me, on the other hand. I have not run in over a week and am in so much trouble. The 10K is next Saturday! The longest I have ever run is 5 miles and I just about died. This race trail is also "challenging" and I am terrible with hills. I seriously want to pull myself out. I can't even walk in the heat without despairing....

I had 12 hours of rehearsal this week. The regular teaching. My friend's son while they searched for her mom. A construction crew that ran into so many problems with this crazy house. I also backed my friends car into a wall and damaged it while I helped her park in the dark, one night, this after bragging to her about how great I was at parking....a funny and awful story but for another day. I am physically and emotionally spent. If it could just cool down a little, I'd feel better.

New frontier

With the new meds, Brian's improved behavior was astounding. I was blocking a door and felt a tap. Excuse me, Auntie Gimky, I heard a whisper. I twirled around and my jaw fell to ground. I hugged him and said, of course! Oh my God, Soo!! I said to her, watching him run into the backyard, he's never called me by name before, I didn't even know he knew it.

Soo nodded as she prepped dinner. It's 7 weeks on this med and its huge. My SIL spent an evening with us and couldn't believe that he didn't hit himself once. The side effect is that he's lethargic, but it is an okay trade off. He's more regulated....

Hours later, as we started clearing up, I told her hubby. The kids are looking good and you know what? So are you.

Well, he told me, you know I'm in therapy, right? Me! In therapy! Manly man!! I've always been against it.... But every Friday, for like 6 months now, I've been going. I couldn't accept this, any of this, he motioned. Boy 2 and then boy 1. I was so angry .... You know, therapy has helped me a lot. A lot. We just talk about what's going on and how I handled whatever happened that week.... It's good, I needed it.

You know, I told him, my mom, who is majorly depressed, was recenty prescribed cymbalta for fibromyalgia. It's a med that also helps depression. I saw her a week after she started taking it, and she basically just slept all the time at my house. 6 weeks later, she was back and her improvement was remarkable! She was up and cooking, every day! She actually sat and listened to me practice the piano and told me it was nice.... (Wow! he remarked.) Yeah, right? Couldn't believe it. It was like her head was clear enough to engage and she seemed lighter, happier. I don't know when I last saw her like that, so outwardly engaged.

That's amazing!

Yes, it is. But then she took a trip with friends a few weeks ago. She could barely walk and was in pain. She came home and got into bed. She lashed out at me and unfriended me and won't speak to me, all for really nothing, or for something so miniscule it makes no sense. The same old behavior because of the same old pain. And you know what happened? I should have known! Found out from my sis. She stopped taking the cymbalta before the trip! For no good reason, she was afraid to keep taking it! Can you believe it...? All to say, that fleeting glimpse of my mom, kicking back her heels and cuddling with the dog while I played the piano... She was not at that moment in pain or carrying the world on her shoulders.... If achieving this relief means taking a pill, she should be taking the pills! This from someone who had been anti-meds her whole life.... All to say, I have come to learn that real problems are nuanced and complicated. A life line that works in practice is the goal.... Good you were open minded about the therapy and amazing you are capable of seeking and accepting help.