hot

Picking up my friend's son, as her mom is still missing and there is a huge search going on. It's just awful and as these days pass, you have to wonder if they will find her alive.... The house is dusty and hot and a disaster. So many problems. The whopper, today, is the discovery that a supporting beam in the crawl space was half eaten by termites. A beam that happens to support the kitchen. I don't know how much this is going to cost, but obviously it has to be fixed.

For the hour or so I was home, I listened to the guys cursing their heads off and yelling at each other. It's the kind of weather where people lose their patience and hurt each other. We are upset with the contractor about how exorbitant the surprises have been, but now was not the time to discuss it. I called hubby. Please don't go there when you see him, I told him, it's a rough day over here and the dirtiest work day ever. He's going to believe he deserves every penny and more. Let's just wait when he's had a shower and is sitting home in his ac to discuss numbers. We're going to get nowhere today.

By the way, I was talking to a teacher, last night, and found out that a house on my favorite street is going up for sale. I wonder which one it is. If it's the one that I've always had my eye on, the one on Apple Lane, it's going to be trouble.

orchestra concert

I am now the unofficial volunteer for the 4th grade orchestra, which means I no longer sit in the audience. It means that I tune violins, fix the occasional bridge or peg and help set up chairs. It means I often go to school to help during orchestra and that I accompany their pieces on the piano as the teacher conducts. It means I am up and about backstage before and after performances. And why do I do this? It's not exactly gratifying work and I don't get paid for it. Literally all of the other parents there get to just sit back, twice a year, and take their videos...

It means that when I see Belac sitting without a stand partner, I ask the teacher, can you seat him with another kid? It's hard for him to manage the sheet music by himself. It means that when the orchestra went out on stage, last night, I could discretely direct him to a seat in the middle. It's better for him to be surrounded by role models rather than sitting in the very front or very back. It means that when he went into the room to bring out his packed violin, I could wait inside the door (and not outside the door with the 100s of other people) so he could do all the little pieces of what he needed to do with casual reminders, while I also helped all of the other kids get their stuff together.

I long noticed that other designated kids are not in orchestra or band (or sports). There are no shadows delegated for these extras. So Belac did not have a choice. With over 100 kids in band, "cool" as it is, he really needed to be in the much smaller orchestra. I had hounded the orchestra teacher about helping, long before Belac even began, and she always resisted for some reason. Finally, she was in a bind with another grade and asked me to come accompany a performance, and then I just kind of pushed myself into Belac's class. Now instead of tuning 26 instruments by herself, she's tuning half of them. Instead of setting up by herself for concerts or with people who don't know what they are doing, I'm taking care of it so she can pay more attention to the kids. She loves it. And as long as I make myself useful to her and the kids, I see that I can be Belac's shadow in a very discrete way. He just needs light but very necessary supervision to hang in nicely there. I am so proud that he's in orchestra and playing every note. He's why I'm there and so it's now hubby who takes the videos. Win-win for all.

An olive tree

C'mon mom, don't be mad, just be my friend.

She made herself unsearchable but her message and friend buttons were still there when I looked her up on sis' list. Now just waiting. It might be tomorrow, next week, 3 months from now, but I'm sure she will one day accept my invitation during a soft moment.

See what a mush ball I am?

gps

Now trying to get Belac in to see some specialists at Columbia Presbyterian, where he also had full neuro-psychiactric exams years ago. There's a pediatric cardiologist, there, who trained at my dad's hospital back in Michigan. We are also looking for an endocrinologist and a pediatrician, all affiliated with the same hospital. We seek highly qualified doctors to help us connect the dots in this confusing maze. And although a cardiologist friend highly recommended a doctor at Mt. Sinai/NYU, where Belac was born, I took the commute into consideration, too. We're going to have years of this. When there's not bad traffic and I can speed along, I can make it to the upper west side in 35 minutes.

I was up at 4am this morning, couldn't sleep. Is this what happens when you get older? You don't need sleep? But I was mulling over doctors for Belac. And then upset about the extra costs of construction due to surprises. We are now over budget. Then realizing that until my mom and I are speaking and back to normal again, that I can't send the check, she'd never accept it and can we still afford to do that, anyway?

I am 100% sure that my mom regrets unfriending me and the whole situation. She will never say so, but I would bet my life on it. I am sure she had no idea of our turmoil over Belac when she decided to lose it with me. I think she missed my email about Belac while they were on their trip. That's still not a great excuse for the behavior, but she wouldn't have knocked me down if she knew I was already down.... My hubby also thinks that she expects more from me. He thinks that my sisters can behave any way they want and she can shrug it off, but it matters a lot how I react and interact with her. She needs me to be interested and concerned. Maybe that's true, I have to think about that.

There is concern that Lulu's MIL got on a bus and could be wandering White Plains or New Rochelle. The entire family is just driving around, stopping at store after store. The mom doesn't know her name, anymore, and is probably lost. She doesn't always speak clearly and they can't be sure she could advocate for herself. Ugh! It's terrible. She's been gone for more than 24 hours and probably looks like your everyday homeless person everyone is trying to avoid.... When they find her, they need to lock a gps bracelet to her wrist.

missing

Lulu's MIL has gone missing since yesterday morning. She left her apartment presumably and must have gotten confused. She's 90 years old and has mild dementia. The whole town is searching for her. It's so cold and wet out, where could she be? I texted early this morning, any news during the night? Let me know if I can help in anyway. Kati and I discussed and we can go out and search....

It occurred to me that my blog might read like a soap opera. But then everyone's life must be one in a way, this colorful thing called life. 

phone call

Hubby is calling my mom's cell, at this very moment, pretending not to know a single thing.

"Hi MOM! Hope you are well! See that you got back from Germany! Hope you're doing well!! Looking forward to catching up!!" 

And now dad has called back instantaneously. Hilarious. 

And so the men are now trying to carry on normally by talking about Belac's challenges. Heart issues, endocrinology concerns.... I'm sure my mom is sitting next to my dad the way I am sitting next to hubby.

That's the way it goes. Watch hubby friend my mom in two weeks. He's good in this way. He just accepts my mom is a basket case and tries not to let things fester too long between us, beyond point of no return. He's a better human being than me. And it goes without saying. My dad is a saint.

the scoop

For all I know, my sisters and I are born to the same parents, but we are all so different from each other. I mean really different. To the extent that people often don't believe we are sisters for both physical and personality reasons. My older sister is small boned, petite and fair skinned. She looks like a ballerina, very delicate and composed, and yet she is as tough as nails and was a doctor in Afghanistan. She is also very religious. I, 10 months younger, am taller, bigger boned, and naturally darker. I also have like 40 lbs more meat on my bones. I look like the jolly green giant next to her, and despite being very outgoing and socially at ease, I faint at the sight of blood. I guess you could describe me as spiritual (eye roll) but not really a believer of anything too out there. My younger sister is maybe a shorter physical version of me but with bigger boobs (sorry, it's true!). She is darker than me and very quick and witty on her toes with her encyclopedic knowledge. She can be very laugh out loud funny and has a wild streak in her. She is a risk taker and can be intensely competitive. She's also an atheist....

You know what's interesting? My sisters never get themselves in predicaments with my mother! You know why?

My older sister doesn't get too personal with them. She doesn't discuss her private life with them. And not married nor with children, she is able to kind of get away with it. She enjoys time with my parents, but she maintains a certain emotional distance and is never the target. When there is yet another blowout, she says nothing and just goes on with her life. On the other hand, my younger sister, though softened with age with 3 daughters, fights back and hardens up. She doesn't put up with my mom's crazy antics and calls her out. She is unafraid and shrugs it all off as not her problem. And then, of course, there is me....

I generally feel for my mom. She gets a certain sympathy from me when she's not driving me crazy. I tend to be more patient than my sisters and I am sure my mom recognizes that. Maybe it's something about both of us being middle children that binds us. She was the middle child between 2 prized boys, in socially conservative and patriarchical Taiwan, sent off to a Japanese boarding school after she humiliated her father's mistress.... I feel my mom's pain and frustration. Like my mom, I internalize everything. But the difference between my mom and me is that I never had it that bad, I was never alone. I always had allies in my sisters, who I didn't have to convince anything to. My mom, on the other hand, has felt misunderstood and unvalued her whole life, caged in by her duties and responsibilities of a different era and country. I don't think she's ever had a true friend to confide in, a result of the isolation of growing up in wealth and being raised by nannies, and has held everything in out of extreme pride. That's an Asian thing. I think if she ever let go a little and saw things for what they really were, she might fall apart. She got married and had children, very young, and was in the States, where she couldn't enjoy the prestige and comforts of what she had left. And she just never had a chance to come into her own or to figure out what she wanted, nor was it ever a priority. She just did like she was supposed to, sometimes kicking and screaming. I think it's a real tragedy. 

My whole family is taking a trip to Cape Cod and my family can't go. They rented a house, all of them. There have been dozens of texts regarding dates and flights and this and that, but for some reason I was on that thread. What horrible thing did I do? I wished them a great trip. Sounds exciting! But maybe take me off this thread?

And for that I was whipped. My mom went off on a rant about how since I didn't want family news, she'd never give it to me from now on. No more emails, no more texts, blah blah blah blah!  I should have just ignored her but was caught at a weak moment. I couldn't help myself. What did I write? Yes, you're right! NO MORE!!! And by the way, in case anyone is interested, my Belac is fine.

And for that, she slammed the door in my face. Unfriended me, then hubby for good measure. Probably won't talk to me for a month at least. And all because I asked to be taken off a thread over a trip I couldn't be a part of. I wrote to my sisters. Any mother in her right mind might think that maybe one of her daughters might feel left out about a trip that everyone else is going on, right? In fact, that same mother might even respond, Of course! Sorry! Any human being might especially think that the 10 million texts about this fucking trip might seem a little insensitive when there's not been even one polite acknowledgement about my boy and the recent news of his heart? Right?  Let's just put this in context, right???

Still. Last night, when I saw the name of Her Royal Highness on the caller ID, I picked up without hesitation. I am not one to play games, at least in this day and age. It was my dad. He was calling to discuss Belac.

emails

EMAIL 1 to sisters, hubby, mom and in-laws:

Came home to find new windows and an opening ready to be framed for a pocket door. On second thought, I'm thinking instead of a pocket door - making the opening half the size - just leaving the opening big and wide, as it now appears. Take a look. Thoughts?

EMAIL 2 to sisters:

I just offered an olive branch. She'd better take it.

My mom is generally emotionally unstable and has no restraint. I should know better than to react to her angry knee jerk reactions to things that don't make sense. In those states when she threatens to cut me off or insists on a perceived snub, I shouldn't be calling her bluff. She can't help herself, but I can. And now she has again dug herself into a corner with no dignified way out except for me to come and save her. To be honest, I have to treat her like she has special needs and I will be fine.

If my mom writes back with anything, we will have gotten past this. And I will be grateful, too. Because it means that I will not have to go back to her on my hands and knees, saying sorry to her for absolutely nothing.

livid rant

Text:

Mom unfriended both me and hubby on FB and made herself unsearchable though she's still your friend. That's it. I'm done with this bs. Have a good life with her.

Last time she did this to me she hung up on me every time I called from Germany and blocked my emails. It's just evil, really evil. Let her disown me and for what? I am so good to her and never bite unless first provoked.

I had to suck it up and apologize 10 million times and weep and scream to let her acknowledge my presence. And for what? Does anyone even know?

I'm not willing to do this again.

Next time, you ask mom. She asks you if I talk to my in laws in a certain way? They don't treat me like shit. Ask her, does she talk to Alyssa, Joy or Jane like she does to us. Tell dad he can always call me. I'm not calling.

I have never experienced more hurtful and spiteful behavior. Never.

And word of advice. Just agree with her about me. Seriously! You'll be less miserable around her if you just agree with her.


Reply:

Little sis: I'm sorry.

Big sis: So am I.


But will I hear from my mom? No. Is she sorry? Is she ever sorry? No. It's everyone else's fault. Always.

Gangnum style

Dance night at the campsite. Everyone was down and now my family and Kati's family have gone up. Why am I still here? Who didn't want to go you ask? JAKE. He's dancing hip hop! Unbelievable. With a bunch of black kids. I just love it. While Belac was down, he also had some fabulous moves. It's wild. My kids like to dance and do not sit awkwardly on the sidelines as I once did. Honey told me, Jake is so good! That from someone who dances quite well herself. I'm smiling from ear to ear watching him. Dance fever.

Camping

I'm freezing and have to pee. I am wearing all of my clothes and burrowed under this not heavy enough blanket i brought. Trying not to think about coffee. Delaying the trek to the bathroom, i should have found a tree hours ago before the sun came up. The birds are frickin loud too and have been yapping away for hours. Still, I love that all the kids are out in the tent in front of the cabin, with the 3 in their own room. I dont hear a peep. The kids rode their bikes around the campsite, exploring the amenities  after arrival, what I'd never let my boys do alone were it not for all the older girls. Jake loved the freedom and joined in on some game with boys at the playground. He is really not shy, that kid. Last night, Belac sat on my lap in front of the fire, asking me with a huge smile on his face. Mom, should we come here every year? Isn't this totally great? Yup, I told him, shivering and wishing I had brought more blankets and sweaters. It was 50 degrees, after all. I loved seeing him so happy. Even though I was and am freezing my ass off, it really is, totally great.

And hubby took ladder up the loft and surprised me with coffee! The men have been building a fire and amusing themselves for the last long while. Its warm enough and there's even lots of milk in this, too. Just the way i like it! Maybe camping is not so hard after all....

teeny

I like visiting apartmenttherapy.com. And I am slightly obsessed with the small cool 2013 entries. My favorites are Teeny-Tiny "Tommy's Top of the Hill" and Tiny "Hani's Organic Modern." It's amazing how beautiful and meaningful these small spaces are!

How much space and stuff does one really need? We ate by candle light tonight in our sun porch, a most cozy place. Then we all hung out in the living room, reading, playing games, eating more, and feeding the fire. With more than half of the first floor barricaded, we are really always together and it's sweet in a really easy way.

Tomorrow we are off to camp with Kati's family. I must admit, I am not too thrilled, especially in this cold and wet weather. I would rather be living it up in the cheapest motel! We didn't know, months ago when we made these plans, that we'd be in the thick of a kitchen reno. We've already been camping all week with still weeks to go....  But these are first world problems.

All of us. With roofs over our heads, our loved ones around us, and far away from battle fields. We are very, very lucky.

Doctor Sister

Dad left the hospital after 2 days, and why? Because they wanted to make sure his wrist would stop bleeding, from putting a stent into his heart! The things they can do! my sis explained. By the time Belac needs surgery, it will be decades from now. It will be another era, there will be all sorts of innovative techniques. He's going to be just fine! Really!

Everyone should have a doctor in the family. They can say things your own doctors can't. I feel better. Not only is my sis a great doctor, she has amazing perspective.

what's wrong

It was pouring, pouring and my pants were soaked to the bone. I stood under my umbrella as the school did a dismissal by class. And then I hid under there as I started crying. And then I just couldn't stop. I didn't realize anyone could see me under my hood and my umbrella down low, when my friend, Lulu, came up to me. Gimky? Gimky? What's wrong? And she hugged me tight. You don't have to tell me, she told me, as I cried into her shoulder not saying a word. And when I finally got myself together after a few minutes, I looked up and she was crying, too.

Why does it have to be so hard for him? Why can't I take some of his challenges? Whoever doles these delights out, could you just give the rest of his to me?

Jake showed up, at first smiling to show me how wet he was. He looked like he had been swimming with his clothes on. Mom! he exclaimed as he looked at me, alarmed, what's wrong?

I'll tell you when we get home, it's okay....

MOM! I'm serious, tell me now! he said to me looking through his soaking wet hair and glasses. What's wrong? Mom!! Tell me right now!

Belac, your brother, we found out he has a heart condition and I just feel sad for him.

Where is he now?

In school, they are dismissing by grade today, it's going to take a while....

So he's fine now? he looked into my eyes searchingly.

Yes, but he has to be careful.

I stood there, both of us in the pouring rain and staring at the front door with hundreds around us, my arm around Jake as I just quietly sobbed and couldn't stop. It was thundering and the rain was pouring over us in buckets.

Belac needs to gain weight and become stronger, I told him. He has a lot of things he's working on and we need to help him.

weeping

Belac started weeping when the cardiologist weighed him in at 43 pounds. We thought he had gained 2 lbs. Maybe it's the scale. I hope it's the scale. Mom, can I bike 20 miles this week end? I really want to get strong! Belac, I told him, your 10 miles is good. No, but I want to get stronger. Mom, didn't I eat a lot? He wiped tears from his eyes. Why do I weigh 43 pounds again?

pouring

It's raining cats and dogs. After that 8am cardio consult, I went off and ran some terrible classes where I wasn't completely there and could not control the kids. Came home. Contractor needed a check. We studied the floors but could not tell if they could be salvaged. Now thundering in a scary crazy way. I did a google search. The cardiologist had not ever mentioned the word "disease" but at least the Cleveland Clinic describes it as such. They also go on to say that 80% have heart surgery in their 30s and 40s....

Last week, my childhood friend called. How are you? Fine, she told me, cheerfully. She was off to Florida for a conference but her parents could not come so there were babysitting issues. We chitchatted some more. Why can't your parents come? I nudged. Oh, because my mom is getting a medical procedure. We veered off someplace else. I then asked, your mom or your dad? It was a reasonable question, it was always her dad getting procedures. And then she was quiet.

Gimky, you can't tell anyone. No one, okay? And then she told me what I already knew weeks ago. I appropriately gasped. Actually, she interrupted herself, your parents must know. I think they had dinner together. She paused, waiting for me to say something. Well, I explained, I haven't talked to my parents in a while because they are on vacation. Oh! she told me.

Was she never going to tell me? Of course not. But she couldn't face it. Until her mom has this procedure and they know what that tumor and lesions are all about, she couldn't tell me, breath life into this unknown thing. Didn't want to discuss it or make it any more real. Nope, nada. I noticed she didn't even use the word of what it obviously could be despite talking about chemo. I get it. I couldn't say the A word for years.

I know you're not supposed to google conditions. I've already scared myself silly a million times over with google searches. But I just feel so bad for Belac. Really? He really doesn't need more to worry about in his life. What's going to happen when we go to the supposed routine visit with the endocrinologist...?  I need my dad - on vacation - to call me so I can talk to him. Or for my sister - at work - to return my email to her personal account.

We need to talk about Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease.

Matters of the heart

What was supposed to be quick was not at all. The cardiologist kept zoning in on a certain part and slowing down the speed. He was no longer keeping up with the casual banter. I knew something was wrong and could no longer look at the screen. I started to feel light headed. Belac kept asking, can we be done? I know buddy, I keep saying one last time, but just a few more minutes.... But what's a few? Another 10?

I talked at length with the cardiologist. He was somewhat reassuring but I didn't know what to believe. I called hubby over and over in the parking lot. Is it urgent, he texted. YES, I told him and burst into tears as I told him what was found. I don't even want to say what it is here until I know really what it is. But it's clear my Belac has a condition and will now be monitored life long by a cardiologist.

I'm late. I should be in class now with all my kids. Sitting in the parking lot and getting myself together.

pass the sax

I loved that Jake wanted to stay for the entire long, long middle school concert after his band played. But it was really way too long and we did not get out of there until 9, long after hubby and Belac left.

Walking home, we passed his heavy sax case between us. At one point, I put it down and it was his turn to pick it up. No, he said, walking ahead. He turned and was smiling in the dark and kept walking backwards. Well, how are you going to build your muscles? I'm not lugging this thing all the way home! And walked towards him, leaving the sax. We walked the distance of almost half a block, laughing and calling each other's bluff. Someone walking on the other side of the street was now watching. We had just left a "suspicious" package in front of a house. Finally, Jake sighed an exasperated "fine!" and turned around to get the darn thing.

We then turned a corner and heard in the distance and in the dark, a conversation with 3 college kids. "Don't be a ----" a guy said to a girl. I turned to Jake. Did he just say what I thought he said? Yes, he told me. It started with a V? I confirmed. He looked at me, saying my name slowly with a question mark. Sure mom, he said exaggeratedly like I was crazy, that's what he said. Well what do you think he said? I asked. Did he even know what this word meant? Mom!!!  We walked for awhile. Okay, am I allowed to say it? Yes, I told him. He said "Don't be a bitch." No he didn't, I told him, he said something else. What do you think he said? Well, I said exaggeratedly, am I allowed to say it? Okay, don't say this to anyone, okay? Jake nodded. I thought he said: Don't be a vagina!  What?? Oh my god, Jake and I laughed our heads off all the way home. What a funny, amazing kid this Jake is. He's so great to be around and he's growing up way too fast.

Vagina, bitch... same thing I guess.

going upstairs

It's 10pm. Just kissed Jake good night after a great band concert and having a fudgesicle on the porch. Mom, can you stay with me a little? It's late, sweetie pie! Came back down to hang with hubby. I heard a little voice from behind the plastic. Dad? Dad...? I love you dad. Belac, I love you, too, but you need to go to bed. Okay, but I love you dad. I love you, too.  Mom? Mom, I love you. I love you, too! Go to bed, sweetie pie. I'll come back up....

What was going on?

The kitchen is the center of the house. A wall has come down and we are basically spending all our time in 1-1/2 rooms on the first floor. To go to the bathroom or to bed, you need to leave this area, put on your shoes, out on the stoop, and enter another door from the outside, going through the rubble and up the stairs, leaving your shoes off at the top of the stairs. The area is sealed off but the banging is constant and dust has flown everywhere. Want to play outside? No chance. The drive is covered with rubble and tools, and you can't easily get past it to get to our little backyard.

Gimky, the kids are insecure about what's going on with the house, hubby explained. They feel lonesome, upstairs.

So upstairs we go.

art show

Belac is so special, his art teacher told me. You have to look at this sculpture, it's not here, but... It has these lines, very simply done and not complicated, but beautiful. Perfect. I would have never thought of doing that myself and no one did. He has a lot going on up there, she pointed at her head, and has so many ideas. A real talent! I put him on a short list for the middle school art teacher, a kid to look out for.... I'm just glad I had him for the 2 years I did!

Wow. Thank you so much, I told her. You know he has a lot of challenges -

Don't we all? she rolled her eyes and laughed.

Why hadn't I ever reached out to this woman earlier?

Belac, she said to him, leaning down to his level. Did you see your work here? Your mom told me that you want to draw better. If you ever want me to show you books or print something off the internet on how to draw something better, you let me know. Okay?

Okay, he said, saying thank you only after I prompted him.

He was ready to go home. He had just played his violin pieces in the hallway, where kids lined up to provide background music for the school art show. It was sweet, he only started lessons in September and has a pretty good sound.... On our way out, we bumped into Lily, in line to play. And there was Izzy, too, who we also heard. The principal showed up, just in time. In the hustle and bustle, we had all somehow crossed paths and gathered round. These 2 girls - Belac's best friends - and their families were together at just the right moment to listen to Lily play an arrangement of Coldplay's Paradise, Belac's absolute favorite song (and band.) He stood quietly next to Lily's mom, suddenly willing to stay and wanting to listen to every note. It was beautiful and so a propos.

 A great night.

day 2

45 minute run on this sunny, hot morning. Grabbed water and drank it straight from the jug. Then took a handful of chips. Even managed to make myself a chicken wrap, balancing all the ingredients on a tortilla as I took straight from the fridge. Voila! That was breakfast and not a single dish was used that would now need washing on the driveway.

As I stood and ate in all the rubble, I listened in on the developments.... There are TWO load bearing walls, not just the one that we thought needed fortifying and is not up to code. The 4 water pipes - going up the wall that's coming down - also run through the ceiling/floor and in some zig zagged way to the upstairs bathrooms. The plumber never saw anything like it. And the hot water is in copper and the cold water is in brass! he chuckled. Good thing we allowed for extra time, the contractor told me, we're going to need it.

We didn't even talk money yet. Good thing we went with the cheapest bid.

Off to class I go.

surprise!

Pipes in the absolute wrong, wrong place. Check!

Pipes thoroughly covered with asbestos. Well, why wouldn't they be?

Wires jumbled and like spaghetti, stuffed into the ceiling. The contractor is perplexed and concerned.

I am just now waiting for the rest of the walls to come down. Seriously wondering what creatures might come crawling out tonight...

What a messy but amazing fix this will be.

the rule

The rule is to carry as little as possible.

 - Thoreau

demo begins

Are you going to miss it? I asked hubby.

No, he answered, looking around at the emptiness. Will you?

No, I shook my head.

I'm saving the dishwasher for a friend and the light fixture for anyone who wants. Otherwise everything else is falling apart, right down to the leaky faucet and grimy floors.

Good bye, kitchen!

thumbs up

I didn't run that fast, but got so many thumbs up at FB about running the 5K. You know what's interesting? If I were 180 pounds and finished in 45 minutes, or even an hour, probably every one of my 'friends' would have loved my status. People relate to struggle and doing something hard. On the other hand, if I raced more often, ran fast and showed off a very skinny body, it would get tiresome for most people. I am not running so fast, nor am I exactly skinny... I'm easy to love.

My MIL has often told me that her whole extended family loves me. It amazes her, she admitted. Her prickly brother who doesn't like anybody, she always points out, thinks the world of me. I know why. Do you want to know why?

A couple months ago, an old colleague/friend from Oberlin wrote. Let's have lunch! I really wasn't so motivated. We were never close back in the day. Then, whenever I bumped into her in the city, I found the degree to which she talked about herself tiresome. I had to listen to everything she was doing with the violin, the people she was playing with and knew, and more! Still, I don't know how, we managed to meet for lunch a few weeks ago.

And so here she was, at it again. She just got back from Florida with her trio, she was about to fly off again, some foreign place, I think. She had to learn Pierrot. Do you know this person, have you ever played with that person? And then there were her kids, also studying music. And she kept up her own little debate. Should she push, not push? I smiled and nodded. UGH! I kept thinking to myself, this is PAINFUL!

As we finished up, her attention finally came around to me. She stated, so you moved to Sunny Patch.

Yes, it's a very cute town, have you ever been...?

But didn't you live in Ardsley? she asked, the schools there are good, right? I mean, didn't you have to sell a house?

We lived in Greenburgh, I corrected, saying nothing more.

So what happened? Why did you move? It's a darling town, I don't blame you, we always say we should spend some time in Sunny Patch....  She wasn't going to let it go and waited.

May, I took a deep breath, we moved because I have a son who is on the autism spectrum. He's doing well and is very high functioning, but we were in a school district that could not provide for him and we could not sustain the cost of private school.

Silence. Oh my God! Wow! she exclaimed, and without missing a beat asked, so what do you think? Is Sunny Patch doing a good job with him?

Yes, they have been doing a great job!

You know what happened? For really the first time since I ever knew her, she behaved like a human being. And you know why? Because suddenly, I was no longer competition. Isn't that sad in a way? That's what it takes? Does she suddenly feel pity instead of intimidation? That doesn't sit well with me either.... Her next story was that her daughter was perfectly "average" and not particularly good or bad at anything, (imagine saying that about your own kid? Challenges and all, my kids are awesome! Was she trying to make me feel better?) and maybe if they lived somewhere else besides metro NY, she and hubby would not be so stressed. Wait. What just happened to that girl who was here a minute ago? This was some wicked whiplash.

People have nothing to prove with me. I'm not competing. I think that's why they like me.

Full day

I think I went up and down the basement stairs 50 times, carrying stuff and emptying out a kitchen and closet. Or it was the burger I had with a very tall beer. Hubby went on a 60 mile bike ride after the race today. I don't know how he does it. I'm off to bed, he and kids are hanging out over a fire and music. Nighty night!

results

The kids ran. And not a few minutes later, it seemed, I saw a lone boy, red faced and barreling to the finish line. Oh my God, it's Matthew...!! Amazing. His mom, by my side and shocked at this, didn't have a camera. Then came a girl, 10 seconds behind and then another, very close.... my camera wasn't ready when I realized it was Izzy! IZZY!!! I screamed, GO...!!!! Then the first pack came by. I first saw Lily's dad, running aside her brother, and Belac was with them! Wow! And then 10 seconds behind came Ethan, Dot's son. YAY!!! We all screamed and clapped....

Izzy came running to find me, GIMKY! I was THIRD!!! I hugged and hugged and kissed her. Mom, was I good? I was 8 minutes and 45 seconds, Belac reported. AMAZING! I squeezed him and kissed him all over, you run faster than me!

And soon hubby, Jake and I were off on the 5K. The first stretch was uphill and seriously, I was dying. It was just the 1st mile and I was having a hard time already. How could I even think I could run a 10K in a couple of weeks? I concentrated hard on the house as I passed, admiring all the weeding and planting I had done. Oh my god, why hadn't I had more water? I was wilting in the sun. When the road flattened out, I slowed down and tried to catch my breath. As long as you don't stop running, you're in good shape, I told myself. Then a speed walker passed, oh my god! I was happy for the water stand at the 2nd mile, which I sipped and poured over my head. I really need to wear a cap next time. At the last home stretch, I decided I would try to get as close to 30 minutes as possible. I set my sights on the speed walker in the distance and decided I had to at least pass her. So I sprinted. My throat was burning and I wondered if I was going to barf, but I finished to the cheering of my family, standing at the finish line. About 32 minutes for me, 28 for Jake and 23 for hubby. I was very, very happy!

We stayed for the award ceremony and could not believe the speeds! The grand prize winner ran the thing in less than 16 minutes! Someone who was 70+ ran the race in 28 minutes! We could appreciate these numbers having just experienced the journey ourselves. I noticed my kids were clapping, pretty engaged and cheering though none of us came remotely close to winning anything. The best part of all, to see them happy. What a great day. Hooray!!

5k

Mac and cheese and lots of water, we are going on a run today!

Belac is running the mile with Izzy. Jake is running the 5k with us. Hubby's last time was 22:06. Jake's was 28 and change. Me? 40, I told them. Get out of here, hubby tells me, you'll be under 30 minutes for sure. ME?? No way! That I can run it easily and know that I can, that's good enough for me!

m. butterfly

Today I am emptying out all the cabinets for the demo. Blaring Verdi and Puccini on Pandora. Tenor aria after tenor aria, today... and surprisingly, it's really okay. For the first time in a long, long time I can listen to my favorites and familiars without skipping tracks and it's really okay.

I am paying my parents back for SY's loan. On that front, I'm doing the right thing and I have my husband to thank for it. On this other front, I am coming to grips.... I'm certain if SY had known he'd soon be dead, he would have looked for me. I know what he would have said. He would not have left me like this.

Jacoby

At 8:11am, Jake called down from the top of the driveway. Mom? he asked, should I go to school?

I had been chatting with Jewel at the foot of our drive. Belac was long gone and I forgot that Jake was still at home.

Yes! Have a good day! I told him and made exaggerated kissy sounds. I love you!! I called up, even though I'm not supposed to say things like that in public.

He's doing great, right? Jewel told me, every time I see him he looks so happy. He probably feels better, good about himself.

Yes, I breathed a sigh of relief, he's having a very good year. And his teachers this year have been outstanding!

There's definitely something going on, a corner being turned. Jake's braces came off, 2 weeks ago, and you know what? He has not lost his retainer container. That is huge! I was prepared with extras. The container goes with him everywhere. When he eats, the retainer goes right into the container. When he's not eating, the retainer goes right back in his mouth. Since when did he learn such discipline? The fact that one of his front teeth is no longer rotated 110 degrees seems to be a world changing thing for him. His front teeth are now straight, white and unremarkable. I have been seeing toothy grins I've not seen in such a long, long time. I've now caught him brushing his teeth very carefully and diligently using his rinse, morning and night. I see him carefully cleaning his retainer at bedtime before sticking it back in his mouth. This from a kid who I can barely get into the shower every other day or to wet down his hair that's sticking up all over the place in the morning....

You know what else? He has suddenly been wearing his watch everyday, too. Pretty astounding that today he interrupted his own reading of an addicting Star Wars series, looked at his watch, and realized he should be going to school....

Maybe it's being 12. Having much better teachers. A straightened tooth. I don't know what, but I've definitely noticed how he has recently matured and just how kind he is. The little kids on our block adore him. The mom has left her littlest one with Jake - 5 minutes at a time - to run into the house and get something. I sometimes see this little girl holding Jake's hand. She just thinks the world of him and I can see why. He's fun to be around, emotionally accessible and enjoys people. He's blossoming!

repayment

Hubby and I have gotten into the habit of really studying our finances. We recently filed taxes and had to pour through the numbers. It's that time of year when we especially take a hard look at how we've saved and spent. In the context of this all, I have come to understand that maybe there is a way we could compensate my parents for SY's bad loan.

It's a lot of money. They'd never take it if it came in a monthly installment, but they might accept it if it came in a lump sum. If they thought we could afford it enough to just write them a check.

I feel responsible. My parents would never have guaranteed that student loan were it not for me. Yes, they signed on the dotted line and took that risk, not me. But I was definitely in on this with them. My parents had to draw from my dad's retirement at that time, when SY dropped off the face of the planet, and my mom admitted to not being able to help me with my own student loans because of it. And now SY's dead and there's really no hope of that big career Juilliard was preparing him for. No chance of repayment. My parents are doing fine, financially, but that's not really the point. We've been stable for a couple of years now, so maybe now is the time to address this. Isn't this the right thing to do? And if so, let's just do it?

Are you thinking we should pay the whole sum? hubby asked with eyes wide open.

Well.... yes, I stammered. I mean, maybe we could give them half.... The thing is if we give them the whole sum, some of it will probably come back in some sort of gift for the kids' college, anyway, although we'd have to be prepared for them to accept the whole amount. I don't know, it's the gesture that matters.... I just don't want them to think I forgot. To see that we're doing well and think that's all we care about. My parents are only getting older, look how sick Alyssa's mom is.... If we can do it, I really feel we should give them something....

If I were the breadwinner, I'd just write my parents a check and be done with it. But I'm not. And this is tricky. Even though everything has been "ours" from the beginning of our marriage, the only way we could do this is by selling hubby's company stock. Paying SY's student loan, after hubby (we) just finished off paying mine.

And so here's my hubby for you.

Okay, he says, reassuringly, we have to figure out how much we can really pay, but okay.

I really have the kindest husband of all.

750 calories

My kids are never late to school. Like, almost never. It's important to me that they are there, with many minutes to spare. Time to socialize. Time to get their stuff out. Time to not get stressed out about anything.

At 7:15, Belac appeared in the kitchen and looked at the table. Mom! I heard panic in his voice, I think that's going to be too big for me!

Don't worry, you'll drink it slowly, you can do it. It's going to help you grow!

MOM! I really think it's too big for me!

Let's just try, okay?

I had stirred 1 cup of Haagen Daaz chocolate ice cream with a fortified chocolate Pediasure weight gain drink. That was 750 calories packed in one glass.

So he began sipping. In 10 minutes, he barely made a dent and I could see what effort this would be. His sips were so tiny! At 15 minutes, we promised a youtube video if he could drink 1/3, which he eventually did. At 25 minutes, we promised a ride to school in 5 minutes with dad if he could just drink the whole thing. At 35 minutes, hubby left. At 40 minutes, Jake began asking if he could finish Belac's shake. Mom, he's so lucky! he told me, and by the way, do you realize he's late? Yes, but this was more important. At 45 minutes, Belac motioned that he was almost done and wanted me to notice. You can do it! Almost there! I cheered him on. And then he gagged. OH GOD! Was this too much too soon?

Are you okay? I asked him. He nodded, I'm fine.

Mom, Jake tells me, can I have his last sip?

Fine, fine.... Belac, are you okay? Do you feel like.... you're going to be okay?

Yes.

And so off they both went. Jake dropping Belac off on his own way. Belac was now 20 minutes late to school, basically missing violin class, but he took his violin anyway.

This kid drank 750 calories for breakfast. Huge! Sometimes that's been his caloric intake for the DAY. Hopefully, tomorrow's shake will go down more quickly. I am one happy momma.

happy

I'm happy. You know why?

Because the sun was shining early this morning and I bagged weeds. When I was outside, the 4th grade class walked by our house for their Revolutionary Day parade, and I had the opportunity to wave to Belac, the Principal, his teachers, and everyone else. That long after the parade went by, I saw Kati and I-can't-remember-what-I've-named-her-here walk by, off to see what the kids were up to at the park. That later on her way back, Kati came by to help me make some decisions about my plantings and all my weeds I was dealing with. That I had a 2 hour piano lesson with an amazing adult student I have, and came to realize what she means to me in how we actually talk about music, expression, and harmonic analysis. I noticed in her check to me, today, that she gave me double what she was supposed to.... That I went with all my balloons and decorations to a surprise 'baby shower' for Belac's teacher. I arrived and everyone was stressed out and laughing because I showed up with a huge bunch of shiny balloons and the teacher was JUST walking by unexpectedly before I ran around a corner. That Belac was so happy to see me at the party and wanted to hug and kiss me. That his aide gave me so much advice at the party about fattening up Belac because she went through this with her own daughter, endocrinologist, nutritionist, extreme worries and all. That I left and went right to the store to buy potato chips and Haagen Daaz ice cream: 1000 calorie PediaSure Chocolate Haagen Daaz ice cream shake for breakfast tomorrow, it is! That I went to pick up and bumped into Lily's mom. Had the nicest, normalest chat with Lily's mom about biking soon, a store for supplies, and middle school. I hugged the teachers, not our usual thing but we had exchanged a lot at the party, and half way home, Izzy came running after me, reminding me to sign up for the 5K and 1 mile run, so we'd all get t-shirts. I had no money on me. Kati wrote a check for all of us. Between our families, even though she and her hubby won't be there, we were 8 people. The older ones will run just the 1 mile and take care of Izzy and Belac while some of us run the 5K, but over all hubby and I are in charge of both families. Again, such a natural and easy arrangement.  That Izzy then wanted to come home with us, and the 3 of them ended up in a tree that I never realized could be climbed. And studying the limbs, I realized a swing might be possible!! That Jake was reading some Star Wars book for 2 hours and didn't want to play the whole time, he was so immersed. That someone called about us hosting an exchange kid and realizing that we should probably do it, try to at least.... And now hubby is coming home, not too late, so maybe we can all have dinner together. Oh! And my appliance. This beautiful, gleaming fridge. Wow! Kati told me as she opened it up, it's so clean, too! I laughed. Wow is right.

succulents and sunshine

I have become obsessed with succulents and love this website. There are beautiful photos, how-tos and descriptions of her experiments. How can you not smile when looking at these plants? The tiniest rosettes are precious. I recently planted a good amount of hardy sedum on a hill that has bad soil and too much light. We'll see if it endures as I hope. I'm growing sempervivum near my front door. Not sure if that will work, the soil is a bit too rich, but I'd like to avoid mulching near the house. I know it's hard to believe, but we also had termites here, once upon a time....  Photos to come!

wowee

The fridge arrived today. Is it okay that I am so enamored by an appliance? Jake and I unwrapped it together. We touched all of the insides and put the shelves in just so. Opened the drawers back and forth. Admired the ice maker and pushed the water dispenser, not yet hooked up. Jake sang a song with the ice shovel, holding it like a microphone. It's now cooling down in the dining room in our make shift kitchen, slowly taking shape.

Hubby and I could hardly wait to empty out the old fridge. We marveled at how we could see everything in this new counter-depth size. It's not any more space, and even less in the freezer, but better designed for efficiency in every which way.

Only thing is, UGH! Without destroying it or the cabinets prematurely, we cannot for the life of us pull out the old fridge to unplug it. It weighs a ton and is wedged in there. That wheezing, energy-sucking thing that freezes everything lives on!

explanation

The job was offered to someone who was promoted to that position, and it was an opportunity for that group to organize itself. In talking to his could-have-been boss, hubby was told that he was over qualified. (And likely too expensive.) But now there is another position open that seems interesting. This boss and a colleague of his think it's a better fit for hubby's interests in strategy. But whereas hubby now manages a sizable team, that job is an island unto itself. There's potential to grow that position into something else, but he's just not sure, is it a safe move? Gimky, hubby told me as he drifted off to sleep, people fundamentally need and want me where I am. I'm doing a good job there. Maybe that's where I'm best off, after all.

sidewalk

As I stood at the driveway, watching Belac dash to school and waiting for the crossing guard to wave, Belac's teacher walked by. Hi Gimky, is this your dog? She stopped to pet him. Oh, he's adorable! He's just like the bichon poodle we used to have! What's his name?

She looked amazing and I asked how she felt. She is soon off on maternity leave. We chatted about the baby and life in the near-term future.... I told her, you know, Belac can be a difficult child to teach. Some kids do well no matter which teacher they get. When you have a challenging kid, though, you really see what a teacher can do. You have ideas, you follow through, you lead.... We are so thankful Belac was with you this year, so thankful! We're going to miss you!

We've had fun with him, she reassured me.

Oh! I gave her a look, I know how he can be. I don't know how to thank you enough! I wrote a letter to Maggie, earlier this week, and found myself totally overcome with emotion. He's benefitted from such strong teaching at SPE. I really thank you for everything you've done, Nicole, you've really gone above and beyond.

And then we meandered on for a few minutes about middle school. You know, I found myself saying, my older son had trouble getting all of his homework home, so his 5th grade teacher took it upon herself to sign him out everyday. But the problem was, she was signing him out even when he didn't have the things he needed in his folder for that night. For her, as long as he wrote something down in his assignment pad, she signed off. It put me in the awkward position of asking her to take another minute to help him systematically check his folder for all of his assignments. To zero in on the actual problem. She seemed agreeable enough but then didn't consistently follow through or bother to make him do it himself. It was extra effort all year long for her but pretty pointless because the idea was poorly executed.... All to say, she's probably fine for a good swath of kids, but in my opinion, any kid who needs help connecting the dots or who has some ongoing challenge should probably not be assigned to her....

Running back up our driveway, I realized how lucky we are for the sidewalk in front of our house. I can't imagine that this conversation could have happened as naturally, anywhere else. How many more meaningful interactions have happened because we were out and about? Everyday, we are on that sidewalk going some place. It's the path that connects us and has everything to do with our lifestyle here. Yay for the sidewalk!

PS - I have now pulled out all stops about Belac's 5th grade placement. I don't freak out easily, but I will if he is placed with that one teacher. I am fine with anyone else they want to put him with. But Please! Just not that one!

10:05

It's late. Hubby on his way home. At least he's not traveling. Did I mention he left at 7:20 this morn? On this day he also found out he didn't get the job? On the other hand, last week at the off site, he had 5 others in his car like he was a NYC cab driver and all laughing their heads off after a long day. Hubby can be intense, how can he not be with his crazy job? but is also remarkably and disarmingly funny. He is truly appreciated and loved in his current position. Its a good thing. Even these 14 hour days.

food

Everyday, Belac's lunchbox comes home with more than half of its food intact. He has gained only 2 pounds since a few months go, when we first began to take aggressive measures with his diet. He is just not getting enough calories in his system. I am so concerned as he is very underweight on top of everything else. He eats very slowly, which does not help. I now make a conscientious effort to sit with him to the last bite, no matter how long it takes and without one word about hurrying up. After school, today, I gave him a Pediasure chocolate shake and sat with him until he finished every drop. Tonight, he got a scoop of chocolate ice cream, and then another....

Mom, he told me after I went upstairs to check on him, I still weigh 45 pounds. The same!

It's okay, I told him, it doesn't happen over night and you used to be 43 pounds, don't forget.

When I saw the doctor I was 43 pounds? Are you sure?

Yes. And now you are 2 pounds heavier. That's very good. (But not good enough, I didn't say.)

Do you think I should have ice cream in the morning?

If you want ice cream for breakfast, I will give you ice cream for breakfast!

I want ice cream for breakfast!

No problem! I told him as I kissed him good night, anything you want!

family run

Izzy and Belac will run the 1 mile. What do you want to do? I asked Jake. He laughed knowing it would irk me, the 1 mile! That would certainly make it easier, logistically. The 1 milers start at 8:30. the 5kers start at 9. Jake would finish in 8 minutes and I'd let him be in charge while hubby and I ran the 5k. Are you sure? I asked, you easily ran 5k last time, like in 28 minutes... Fine, I want to do the 5k, he shrugged.

Looking for babysitting for 22 minutes in downtown Sunny Patch, the time it will take hubby to run 5k. A very good problem to have.

Nada

Hubby called and we chatted. He's been called into a 15- minute meeting with a boss, someone who might have become his new boss. A buddy earlier passed along a rumor that the job was offered to someone else.

It's okay, hubby told me, I'm wanted and needed where I am. It's definitely okay, I reassured hubby.

savings

Quick 45 minute run to the pond and back. I feel so good! I like how my body feels and how clear my head is. I'm energized and the insoles seem like the perfect solution. I don't need new shoes. $90 saved!

new age

Bought inserts for my shoes. Threw them into my sneakers for the first time as I left the house with Jake. Wow. These things are nice! It then occurred to me that the tug in my hip/thigh was probably associated with the pain in my arch that is associated with my pounding the pavement these days. Is this what happens in your 40s?

These inserts don't fit into my other shoes. So this is the new age? Buying shoes a half size too big? No more flip flops in the summer?

Off on a run before class. I already feel a huge difference just walking around. Dr. Scholl's Arch support, 10 bucks! Woo hoo!

mother's day

I watched Jake buried quietly under couch cushions and Izzy coming by now and again to adjust them or pile on one more thing. He was definitely eaves dropping on a conversation happening nearby. Izzy's oldest sister and cousin were whispering about a boy. Suddenly I realize that Jake is definitely 12 as Kati explains this scene to me....

Happy Mother's Day! she had wished me, as she handed me a plant when I arrived and kissed both my cheeks. It was a hydrangea, and the flowers - I noticed - were exactly the color of my wedding bouquet. Aw, that's so sweet and pretty, I love it! And I am so terrible, I brought you nothing.... well, except this salad!

Tiger! her hubby called later as he grilled, come talk to me. What's going on? I sat on a wall, sipping beer and watching him flip meat. We meandered onto the topic of my boys. Oy, I told him, the things I do just to help them keep up, both of them! They're boys, Tiger, you have nothing to worry about. Let me tell you how I was, it took me forever to figure things out.... 

As we drove home, hubby murmured, that was really fun.... Why did that comment feel remarkable, I wondered. Don't we always have fun with friends? 

The thing is, it's just easy with them. We hang, we chit chat, we eat, we go for long hikes.... It's uncomplicated and effortless. We celebrate the good, commiserate over the bad.... there is not the usual bs or weird competition with them. We really want the best for each other. How refreshing is that? Lucky for us they never moved to California.  Next week, Kati and hubby are away, but we go to Izzy's soccer game and we take her on the town run with us. I adore this girl like she's mine. I also love her mom and the rest of her family. My family feels the same. 

Surprise

At 7:50 hubby turned to me and instructed, don't get out of bed okay? he was laughing, don't make our surprise difficult. By the way, what do you want for breakfast? Pancakes, I told him knowing its like the only thing the kids are able to and enjoy making, but just one!! Coffee would be nice, too, I added.

Guys! I heard hubby whisper loudly after he shut our door. Let's go and make mom breakfast!

Sweet.

good day

Hubby went for a ride and I took the kids on a mini hike. It was supposed to rain for the rest of the day and I was not going to keep my sanity without some fresh air. So off we went. An easy mile long walk at Rockwood along the Hudson. The kids climbing trees, the dog off leash, some snacks and juice as we meandered about, chit chatting about random stuff. The perfect, easy outing. Now home and it's thundering and raining cats and dogs. Hubby made a fire, I am prepping dinner while sipping some red. Looking about and relieved we cleaned up the house this morning. Success! No cabin fever for me.

moving

Appliances move in on Tuesday. Now making room and arranging for a minimally disruptive construction. The sunporch is now in our bedroom. Our dining in the porch. And how surprisingly cozy. Our table just fits against a wall with 4 chairs. Our makeshift kitchen will go in a corner. Borrowed a portable cook top. Along with microwave and new fridge, we'll be perfectly fine. A big tub to wash dishes outside with a hose or in the bathtub upstairs. And a new compost bin arrives just in time. I should have stopped using my garbarator long ago. Excited and hopeful!

seed

Kati planted a seed in my head. No pressure, she told me, but I think you guys would make a great host family. Really...? They just hosted a girl from Denmark, themselves, and watched this girl and their 3 children bond. And this is how this unexpected idea of hers grew into a seedling....

We are logistically set up for it, come to think of it. Last summer, hubby's 19 year old cousin stayed with us for a month and the boys loved it. It was someone else to hang with and talk to. He came and went from his job in the city, ate with us occasionally, and I think he liked being here. But how many host families have had children on the spectrum? How much of all that would I have to disclose?

I looked at the listings of boys looking for host families, all 15 and 16 year olds with different interests. One boy's page caught my eye in that it wasn't SO sports oriented like the others. He likes ping pong and tennis, his family plays games after dinner and discusses current events, and he likes the arts. Of course! He's from Germany.... Hubby and I wouldn't have our secret language but... hm. It's an idea. Could we do it? I think it would be great for us to have another kid around and someone that both boys could look up to. Would we pass the interview?

letter

Dear Maggie,

I can hardly believe that Belac will soon graduate Sunny Patch Elementary.  Needless to say, I am both excited and scared for him! Looking back, each year at SPE has been amazing in its own way. We were blessed to have such a strong team and great teachers. When I remember where Belac was when we arrived in 1st grade and look to where he is today, I am just so grateful.  It hasn't exactly been smooth sailing, as you know, but his progress overall has been truly remarkable. I believe strongly that we could not have gotten as far without all of you at SPE.

As you may know, Belac will enter the modified class for the 5th grade. I hope and believe this will be a good environment for him, as the class is smaller and he can try to rise to the occasion without a dedicated aide. Although I have never previously worried about Belac's placement, I did want to take a moment to remind the committee that there is one particular 5th grade teacher we did not have a positive experience with. I believe even more strongly that Belac and this teacher would not be a good match. Considering Belac's strong temperament, he really benefits from a confident, organized, and experienced teacher. One who is capable of following through, being in touch with the parent, and has ideas when it comes to kids who have a harder time. If you could take this into consideration during placement, we would be very grateful.

Lastly, and on a more personal note, I want to thank you for everything, Maggie. In 1st grade, you came outside at pick up with a ribbon just for Belac because you had witnessed his earlier good behavior. This, after an incident weeks before when he tried to leave SPE during school hours. There were times I sat in your office, with one or the other son, and you showed me time and time again how much you believe in the good of each child despite whatever challenge at hand. And even more importantly, my kids felt you believe in them. Working on the challenges, but also emphasizing and running with the positive, this is what I have learned from you. You care and it shows and people all around you, feel it for real. I believe a good school and good environment starts from the top down, and in this way we have been so blessed to be at SPE while you have been Principal. What an incredible 4 years it has been for Belac. We're going to miss you and everyone here.

Thank you, thank you.

Gimky

White Plains

Friends of ours just bought a house. It is completely charming and bright from what I can tell from the photos. It's not small but not too big, has a very pretty and open yard, and is thoroughly updated. The price (not possible in Sunny Patch) and taxes (half of ours) are just right. I'm so happy for them! I told hubby, yesterday, my attachment to that area has never wavered. When Belac graduates high school, let's move to White Plains.

$100

Do I pronate? Do I have high arches? I have no idea. But I figured out what's hurting. It's not my ankle, it's my right arch. By the time I'm wearing other shoes, none of which have much if any support, I really feel it and it's not good.

Onjy tells me, you need better shoes, you should go to Westchester Road Runner. They'll look at your feet, they'll see how you run. You need better shoes.

What do you think I need to spend? I asked.

100 dollars, maybe?

I just bought an IKEA kitchen and all of my appliances. I wrote a check to start work on the kitchen. We also just found out that the 3 toe kicks necessary to our heating in there, now involves a separate attachment on our steam boiler....

Gimky, hubby told me at dinner, go tomorrow and get yourself a good pair of running shoes. It's worth every penny and more. Go!

transparency

The last bid came in, 2 days ago. It came hand delivered in a manila envelope. I stood on my stoop with the contractor, who kept talking and talking. He really wanted the job I could see, and was already defending his number, even though it was still sealed and cradled in my arm.  I was nice but reserved. I did not tell him we had already made a decision.

This bid was promised 3 weeks ago, then 2. Then we didn't hear from him. There is no way we'd hire him on that alone. And now here he was, unannounced and weeks late.

I opened the envelope after he left. There was a small description of the job and not a single itemization, just one big, fat number. Really? This was thrown together in 5 minutes and you couldn't have sent it 3 weeks ago? The two bids that were so out of range (double and triple the others) had nothing to justify them. The numbers were picked from thin air.

Remember we thought Jake's grades were worse than they actually were? As long as we weren't checking the parent portal, we assumed the worst and that's not good either. If he knew that his grades had not slipped that much, it might have inspired him to really fight to the bitter quarter end.

You want to further yourself? You want to do better in school? Progress meaningfully? You have to face up to the numbers and to reality.  I know what Jake feels like. When we opened his report card together, I felt his dread. He's afraid of being summed up and dismissed, of not doing well, and all of this can be very overwhelming. In some ways he'd just rather not know, even at the expense of not fully appreciating all the good he has achieved. It's a terrible way to live, in fear. But the fear only grows when you don't open the mail and take full account. The numbers tell a story and there's a golden opportunity to reevaluate, improve, even feel good about what you see over time. In his case, many of his grades slipped because of one reason only. Missing and late homework. It's a gift that he knows deeply and full well, as a 12 year old, what his challenge is. And as long as he's under this roof, I want him to learn to be less afraid. I will not allow him to grow up and make up numbers.

job

Hubby has still heard nothing about the job. Today, he threw his hat in the ring for another. He wants out. It's time to buy a suit!

roof ball

Since moving to this house, boys have played this game with hubby. Hubby kicks a ball onto the roof, and depending on it's trajectory, it goes around and comes down one or another peak. It's like pin ball. Each kick somehow produces a different result, much to their delight, and he might kick it 50 times in a night. The kids try to catch the ball in the split second it appears and rolls off the roof. There is giggling and screaming and every night, lately, they wait and wait for hubby to get home to play. No one kicks it up there as strongly and precisely as hubby.

It can be any old ball, but lately it's been this gigantic inflatable tennis ball. Belac won it at a birthday party a few weeks ago. It was the best size and toughness, the perfect ball for beloved "roof ball." Belac's been greeting hubby with ball in arm, almost every day since. Hi, Dad! he calls out, let's play roof ball! Only thing is, today, the ball is nowhere to be found.

We searched the house to no avail. And if it wasn't brought into the house, it could have easily rolled down the driveway and into the busy street. Or it could have been left at the cul de sac. We searched everywhere. Belac weeped intermittently during the hours after school. Jake stared into his dinner plate looking sullen. It was definitely gone.

The ball costs 30 dollars on Amazon, I saw! You guys didn't take care of it and keep track of it and now it's gone. I told you! You have to bring the ball inside or it will roll away. I'm not buying one, guys. I can't. You have to take care of your things or this is what happens!

More weeping.

I will buy it, Jake said to me quietly. Mom? Belac asked, how much does it cost? Jake suggested, Belac, let's split it.

They have not been getting allowance in over a year. We all fell off the band wagon about allowance, what did they need it for anyway? But they do have some birthday and tooth fairy money. Jake promptly came downstairs with a 10 and and 5 from hubby's old wallet that became his to use. Belac, I could hear shaking his piggy bank. 10 minutes later, he came down with 15 crumpled 1-dollar bills.

Okay, I said as I click and clicked at Amazon as they hovered over me. Take care of this one, I instructed, we definitely don't want this happening again.

generosity

Went out to eat with hubby's childhood friend, last Sunday night. They hadn't seen each other for at least 6 years and were in the city from England.

I arrived late and hubby was paying the whole bar tab as I arrived. Then the 4 of us sat down for dinner. There was discussion about the wine. Her hubby wanted to choose something that wasn't too expensive and it was all good with us. We do and felt the same and let them choose. There was discussion about prices of the specials, dessert. All normal stuff. And then we had a grand old time, really awesome, actually, and in the end, split the bill.

Hubby noted as we drove home. You know? If you're not really working meaningfully and have a chunk of change like that, you're basically spending and not replenishing. It affects your ability to be generous. So she has 5 million dollars, or at least used to, but she knows that whatever she spends is gone.... We, of course, don't have that kind of money, but we work. And so we know that what we spend, within a certain realm, can be replenished. We can have the confidence to be generous.... When you think about it, her wealth, the obscene wealth of that one patriarch, really ruined any potential of the next two generations. Ruined it.

AJ

Bought our appliances at AJ Madison, today, and boy, was that hard. It is such a huge wad of dough. For months I hemmed and hawed. The same items sat in my cart as I checked specs and reviews, dozens of times. But today was the day. The last day of a substantial sale on 3 of the 4 items.  By the way, they have the lowest prices (and the best website) of ANY other store I could find. And on top of that, there is free shipping!

I wrote to hubby, okay?

Okay, he reassured me, despite his not having seen any of these appliances in person. It's crazy. I could spend our last dime and he wouldn't know until it's too late. But he also knows we are on the same page when it comes to money. We generally like the security of having it, more than spending it, as long as you're not talking about tipping waiters and teacher gifts. We pretty much discuss all of our expenses when it's not the grocery bill.... My new neighbor next door laughed his pretty little head off when he discovered that I gathered 7 bids on the kitchen project. Oh my God!  You did WHAT? Dude! Did you just open the phone book or something? Of course not. I did my homework and more....

We are under budget so far and I am proud. My neighbor, on the other hand, thinks credit is cheap and has leveraged to his apparent advantage. We are fundamentally different. Hubby and I once weathered the rainy day and he would like to one day not be slave to his job. My goal has always been to sell this house yesterday and easily break even.  Hoping that nothing unexpected arises!

sign maker

The PERFECT job for Belac. If only he could support a modest life as a Sign Maker at Trader Joe's, I wouldn't worry so much.

keep on going

Boston friend arrived late, last night. He's playing in Carnegie tonight. Hubby and I sat up with him a bit and then neither of us really slept. Hubby kept getting up, restless and sleepless over a situation at work. Me, concerned about hubby and trying to reassure him in snippets. Things will be just less stressful for him once he knows about the job. Still, he got up to run before leaving at 7am. It's 8:08. The kids are off and the dog has been walked so I, too, have laced up my sneakers. Off to the pond I go.

beautiful

I totally get it and cried to read this.

piano

Consolidating my piano lessons until summer and traveling to give them. The demo begins in 2 weeks and the house will be one dusty mess. I can't teach here. I've moved different students from different days together, grouping those who live close to each other so I can get to each of them. Parents are flexible and generally happy because I'm coming to them. Then I was arranging my Sundays, what I thought would be easiest day as I would just spread out all of the lessons to allow for travel time. But there was a glitch I did not expect. One family did NOT want me coming to their house.

We aren't exactly red necks, she laughed, our cars that don't work are in our backyard. But we do have a couch on the driveway....

Oh, Lee, I reassured her, don't worry about it. I really don't care!

No, she told me firmly, my house is unpresentable. You can't come.

I was. Astounded. And come to think of it, I had never been to her house before.

This is a family I adore! With a son, totally brilliant and his own person, and on the autism spectrum.

Okay, I reassured her, it's no problem! You'll come to me. It's actually easier for me if you come here, I told her, trying to make sure she didn't feel bad, so thank you so much!!

all about discipline

Ran 4-1/2 miles yesterday at Ramblewood. It was gorgeous. But had I been there myself, I'd never have gone so far. It was Onjy who egged me on and at the last hill urged me to sprint. What?? I'm already collapsing! I could barely spit out. She's in much better shape and talked the entire time, up and down and up and down the hills. I, however, had to conserve my air and could barely say a word.

Eating lunch. I've been making these delicious wraps for weeks now. I spread a thin layer of boursin on the flour tortillas, throw in some lightly dressed veggies, and any chopped up meat if I have it, and voila! Or I throw in some beans, or basically anything that's left over. It's totally great and easy. I learned it from Kati, who has also informed me about the kind of money she has saved lately from simply meal planning every Sunday night and buying only what she needs on Monday morning. Shopping, again, on Friday morning, just for what she needs on the week end. I'm going to try that too.

We signed on the dotted line and the demo will soon begin on the kitchen. We are going with the contractor I initially liked the most. His bid was also the lowest. You're not supposed to go with the cheapest or the highest so I was a bit nervous. But I did call all of his references, including penis man, and they all had amazing things to say about this guy's work. A few invited me to their homes. Totally thrilled we can do this and hoping for the best.

Alyssa

My mom texted my sisters and I:

Look like I am the one alway bring the bad news to you all, as this news Gimky you can't say or ask at all to the person family. Tonight we just found out Alyssa have lung cancer and need to have surgery soon.

What??? She was just here 3 weeks ago. I see her all of the time. We talk when there are problems. Not possible, she would have told me.

Sis texted: Wait, Alyssa? Or Alyssa's parents??

Other sis texted: What???

I called my parents home over and over. Then I called my mom's cell. It was 10:30 at night. I'd call all night if I had to. She is my childhood friend, who ended up on the east coast like me. If I couldn't reach them, could I call my friend so late at night and just so casually ask, hey, I hear you have cancer...? Finally got a hold of my dad who picked up.

It's terrible. It's Alyssa's mom. I have known her my whole life and she is someone I have always admired. My parents are devastated for her, I listened to my dad, who was obviously overcome with emotion. They were Taiwanese immigrants like my parents, who also somehow ended up in a Detroit suburb in the 70s. Our families shared a life together.... I am also relieved to know that Alyssa is okay despite being heart broken for her mom. What a confusing mess.

3

Izzy asked her mom the other day. Mom, am I Jewish? Kati was like, what???

They are Catholic. They go to Mass, now and again. But Izzy has also learned some Jewish songs at her chorus. She has lit candles with us on Friday nights. She is very much a part of my family.

Who did you tell you we're Jewish? Kati asked, realizing some conversation must have happened.

Turns out a girl at soccer asked if Izzy was Jewish. She had said yes in her confusion. Kati laughed her head off, saying she just knew Izzy wanted to become a Snowflake. And by the way, she told me. I think we need to look at our will. If something ever happened, I think at least Izzy should go to you.

Kati, I told her, all of them can come to me. If anything ever happened, I'd want and will take care of all three of them.

perennials

Are you home? I heard.

No, I told her. I was now at the nursery buying more perennials. How did it go?

I then heard crying. Have I ever seen or heard her cry? I don't know.

Awwww.... Kati, it's okay, everything's going to be okay! Izzy is an amazing, incredible kid. I love her so much, like she's my own, and she has so much going for her. I told you, these meetings are hard because they get right down to business. But I tell you, you don't have anything to worry about.

I'm fine, I heard her sniffle, it's just so hard. I see myself in her and know her struggles....

Where are you? At school? I'm home in 15 minutes, okay?

so is life

Played a concert outside of Princeton, today. My Jake actually picked up my Belac from school, today, and then walked to Onjy's house, all while I was miles and miles away. And that is where I found them when I pulled up after after a grueling drive, playing in this beautiful backyard with her kids. Wonderful! And what a relief.

Did I ever say, in this blog, that this house was Natalie's house, the house we wanted and once put a bid on? That Natalie, the pianist, really wanted us to have the house and did not, for whatever reason, care for the husband and really did not want them to have it? That it's Onjy and Harry, hubby's triathlon partner, who own this house? The Onjy, who is my running partner for the 10K and whose older daughter is my piano student and younger daughter is my Mommy and Me music student?

It is a beautiful house. It is a beautiful yard. Next door to our synagogue, which I have come to surprisingly love. And after I shooed the kids, next door to Hebrew School, and gave the daughter a piano lesson, I was greeted by Harry, home early from work. Stay, they urged me, have a glass of wine with us. Oh God! I said, the dog needs to be let out!  Harry shrugged. He probably peed all over the house already, what's 40 minutes until you pick up the kids?

And so I stayed. I had a glass of red and bites of cheese. We chit chatted about getting old. Everyone worrying about their races, except the only one who wasn't there, hubby, who has been training rigorously and is in the best shape of all. I sat back in this yard that might have been ours, looking at the barn, about to fall down, she always points out, which I once fantasized could be a concert hall! But you know what? I'm happy for them. The honest truth is. Their house is 'better' than ours, it really is, but that's the way it goes. We have made ours our own and like ours enough and they are the nicest people. Friends, like the real kind. I saw his arm around hers and how loving they are, and I admire that. The way I admire the way Kati and hubby hug in their funny, laugh out loud kind of way, he calls her bunny. The way I realize my hubby is with me, poking me and making me laugh, even when I try not to. I like that our families get along. I appreciate that they love their house. They have, of course, very good taste!

the corporate way

Lately, on mornings when hubby 'rests' from exercise, we find ourselves having coffee in the quiet of the morning. At 6am, of all times, we catch up. This morning, he told me that he is certain Wilt is thinking something but saying nothing. Look, he loves my work and needs me, that's clear and not what I'm talking about. He's definitely thinking something else and not telling me.

Could it be that he feels defensive, especially if he knows or had a hand in your not getting the other job? I asked.

Hubby suspects that he won't get it. He thinks the hire will be internal and the Junior guy will be promoted. Maybe the Junior guy was better or better suited, who knows? But he also knows that losing hubby from current job, at least in the longish-short term, would be a real upheaval for his team and the company, and especially for Wilt, who would be expected to take over and train the next guy. And you know what? he told me, it makes sense from the company perspective. Don't create problems by opening up another job, mine, which is undeniably hard to fill.  Rather, fill this new job with one of several, not me, who can do the job.

Well what about Chris saying that they'll promote you, do "whatever it takes" for you to stay?

Hubby shook his head. Won't happen if I don't have an offer. And even if I did, I wouldn't go that far along for another position, only to turn around and use it as a negotiation point to keep this job. I'd take the other job! Look, Gimky, they are playing their cards. Do they really think I'm going to leave and take a job in the city or one that would require more travel? That I'm going to risk the good thing I have? We have a house, kids -

A kid with needs, I added, he knows that...

Yes, he knows that, he agreed. They are not worried about me leaving if I don't get this other job. And they know they don't have to give me anything more to stay. It's the right thing for the company to do, and it's what I'd do if the candidate wasn't me....

It'll be interesting to see how this turns out.

yin and yang

It wouldn't surprise me if Wilt prevents me from leaving this job, hubby told me.

But the other boss really likes you, right? How could Wilt do that?

Look, Gimky. No one wants my job. No one! And why? There's not enough resources, a team that is in 3 different places, a team that needs constant training and unbelievable hand holding. It's impossible! My own more than full-time job to do, pile on the extra stream of grunt work and picking up slack. It is not the kind of job anyone wants. If you could look at what I'm doing everyday! Everyone needs me and the phone rings off the hook. There are piles of impossible things to get done. It is a very serious problem that no one on my team can rise to take over my job, or that anyone around the company wants it. And then he paused. It's job security for me, no small thing, but... I'm stuck. I'm really stuck.

I hope that's not the case. The new boss did express that hubby was "quite impressive" in his final presentation. I hope if he really does want hubby, he will get him and Wilt will figure it out.

Yesterday, hubby went ahead and registered for the Lake George triathlon. With his friend Harry and brother Dudi, he is now on a 3 person team.  Only until he felt physically confident enough, did he register. Then only until he registered, did he mention it to anyone. And this is where we are so different. He is as methodical and prudent as I am emotional and impulsive.

Today, I asked if he thought I should call or email the other contractors about going with someone else. Gimky! he told me, as much as it feels official, we have not signed any contract with this guy yet. The contractors took their sweet time with us, and we can take ours. Let's make sure this guy is a done deal.

Doh! We are yin and yang. But the kind that makes a whole, I like to think!