Sunday funday

Belac 8/11

Doing laundry. Tidying the house. It's turned out to be a normal rainy day, after all. The sun is even starting to shine.

Tomorrow, though, Lily comes to play. She's back from being away for 6 weeks. I heard her tell Belac on the phone "I really missed you!"  I invited her mom to have coffee when she drops off. I also for some unknown reason, hinted to Belac needing Mrs. Rondo, last year. We were talking about this years' teacher assignments.

Why, why, why did you tell her even that? my husband exclaimed, when I recounted what I had disclosed. You don't need to start pointing these things out, Gimky! You're just hurting Belac's chances of having normal friendships.

I don't know why I said anything. It just fell out of my mouth. I feel bad and wish I could take it back. I wished I could take it back as soon as I alluded to it with Lily's mom. But that's the problem with telling, you can't take it back. It's impossible to un-tell. My bad.

update

Belac 8/11

Loads of rain. I have a stream running down my driveway and a pond down below. Police and city workers are across the street with lights blazing, addressing this flood. They just pushed a car out of the water.

We all slept cozily in Jake's room last night. Kids began the day with some Wii and now both are reviewing math with my husband, much to their dismay! It makes me laugh a little. My husband can see what a painful job it is for the cheerleader. But never fear. If we lose power, the kids will still have a chance to get their fix on fully-charged DSs, usually only allowed on car trips.

We have 1010 WINS blasting in the kitchen. I like that they are just reporting on what is actually happening and not simply speculating. We still have electricity but continue to hear about more and more homes losing it. I just sauteed a Costco-sized package of sausage for good measure.

Stay safe and dry, all. Will keep you posted. For as long as we have power....

all good

Jake 5/2005

What a strange day. All is quiet as we wait for Irene to arrive. We cleaned, organized and cooked. I baked chicken and made rice and pasta in preparation for power outages. The boys are watching Rio. Outside, there's not a peep. There's something a little menacing in all the stillness. There are no birds chirping and I haven't seen any animals. When outside to put all of the kids' bikes and toys away, the dog jumped into the car and hid. He never gets into the car without coaxing. Animals just know.

A few hours ago, I received a phone call on my cell. Hi! Is this Gimky...? This is Sasha McCarthy.

The voice and name did not ring a bell and I was quietly perplexed.

I'm calling from 51 Heartsdale....

OHHHH... HELLO! It's good to hear from you! How is everything? How is everything at the house?

It's great! We love it, nothing has broken yet!  We just renovated the kitchen! You should come over the next time you are in the area and see! We are always in the backyard, just like you said. Everyone is always back there swinging and climbing the trees, and it's just so special!!

She was calling because our old neighbors (Jake's best friend) were away on vacation and she noticed that their backyard had lots of stuff that could fly around in the storm. She wanted their cell numbers to get their permission to stow away their things.

I listened to her chat away endlessly about the house. They got the old oak trimmed the other day... despite all of the rain this year, they had very little water in the basement.... they wanted to finish the basement but the stairs would be tricky, being so steep and all.... She asked her nanny, who was sleeping in the attic, if she felt the recent earthquake and she hadn't.... I stepped back and observed from afar. Was I okay with this chatter? How did I feel? For a second I remembered the feeling of pushing the boys on the tree swing out back.

You know what? Better that she obviously loves the house. My feelings about being there were likely true and not some idealized memory. I did not oversell the house and did just tell them like it was. The other thing is. I know that Sasha's relationship with Andrew's family has been chilly at best. Months passed before I realized Andrew's parents were having just as much difficulty adjusting to the sale of our house as we were. That Sasha was going to call them about taking care of their backyard was a really good thing. It was good. It's all good.

Irene

Just tried to get Ella and her family to take cover in Sunny Patch until the storm passes. She lives in Morningside Heights and has been busy hoarding water and food for the past day. She went to Fairway, late last night, where every cart and basket was taken and a mess of cars were stuffed into and spilling out of the parking lot. She described a scene on Broadway, where everyone was carrying shopping bags filled with stuff. She was now traveling to a friend of ours, who was giving her 'D' batteries in exchange for a dozen eggs. Yay, we get free transportation today, she told me as she boarded a city bus.

Who is really safer? We in Westchester have tall trees with weakened root systems to worry about falling onto houses and downing electricity lines. We have flooding issues, too, and roadways have already closed. It's safe to assume we will all be without electricity. And it's true. They'll get Manhattan up and running before Westchester can even begin adequately dealing with their mess....

My sister cancelled her trip to visit us this week end. She's staying put in D.C.  My brother-in-law and family left this morning instead of tomorrow. They didn't want to be caught in the mess. And what are we doing?

We stocked up on canned goods, water, bread and peanut butter. We are about to take the acs from the windows. We put new batteries in our flashlights and bought candles. We put charcoal in our grill.  Ella instructed me to fill up ziplocs and tupperware with water to freeze in order to prolong the cold when the electricity goes out. I am about to bake enough chicken for several meals.

I am mostly not worried, except for the top-heavy pines in our backyard. Earlier this week, at least a dozen large trees fell down all over Sunny Patch. I regret we didn't cut all 6 of our pines down, last year, or at least have them topped off. These have notoriously shallow root systems and we've had a lot of water this year. They are also very close to our house and even closer to both our neighbor's houses....

We are already planning to sleep together in one room tonight. Belac will be predictably nervous because of the rain and wind. Jake will simply feel more secure with all of us together. And frankly, Jake's room is the only room, upstairs, that does not have the risk of a tree falling on it. So that's where we will all be.

Wishing everyone good luck in weathering the storm. Be safe and well, my friends!

Calvin & Hobbes

 Belac 8/11

Mom? Can you come here...?

He stood in the hallway waiting as I fumbled around looking for my glasses. My husband arrived first. I heard Jake crying in distress, saying he couldn't find "the brick."

My husband put his arm around Jake and led him to the bathroom to pee. Jake fretted about it being dark and my husband switched the light on.  I gave Jake a washcloth and ran the water from the sink. Let's splash your face with warm water. Let's make sure you're awake.

He then stood hesitantly at the doorway to bed. Do you want to go downstairs?  He nodded. Let's get your glasses, okay? He nodded with his hands still rubbing his eyes.

I cut up fruit and my husband poured some milk as Jake sat at the kitchen table. We were quiet and joined him. We watched him eat.

How do you feel now? my husband asked. Jake shrugged.

After a few more minutes, I asked, the peaches are good, aren't they?

They're good, Jake replied, nodding his head easily. He sipped down half a glass of milk.

My husband pointed out in German, our shared secret language, he's awake now. We looked at each other a long time, trying to read each other's minds. You should go to bed, I told him, you have a long day ahead of you...

My husband kissed Jake and headed up. Jake and I sat at the table, still not moving.

Do you want to stay some more or go up?

I want to stay some more. I'm just afraid of having more bad dreams....

I can lay down with you a little, I offered.

Mom...? He asked, looking up for the first time tonight. Actually, can I read a little? It really helps me.

What do you want to read?

Calvin & Hobbes.

This is the kid who, today, while his mouth was stuffed with trays to make a mold at the orthodontist's office, began humming the tune to the Christmas carol: 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-laa, la-la-la-laaaaaAAAAHHH....  I smiled and laughed and then had to keep from laughing too hard, when I realized that the significance of this tune was totally lost on the orthodontist and his assistant, who both continued to hover over him, single-mindedly waiting for his mold to firm up. My son can be so funny!

So here we are in the sun porch. He's laying on his stomach with head propped up on elbows. Just a minute ago, my heart skipped when I heard what I thought was sobbing behind me. I turned around only to realize Jake was laughing out loud into the book. Thank you Calvin & Hobbes!

beautiful

I am slightly obsessed with the real estate pages of the New York Times. It all began when I first moved to NYC in 1992 for grad school. I became one of the millions of renters, constantly pouring over listings in the Village Voice and reading stories in the NYTimes of how people in the city lived.

I made my home in a bunch of sublets on the upper westside before I quite by accident got my name on a lease at West 83rd. I was just about to move in when my new roommate and lease-holder decided he couldn't deal with NYC anymore. Suddenly, I was given this opportunity to take over the lease on the rent-stabilized apartment. I was a student with a paltry freelance income and I now had a lease in my name?? It was like I had won the lottery!

It was a 6th floor walk up. The floor was very crooked. I had questionable neighbors and the building was surrounded by parking garages. But this bright, railroad apartment had charm and so much going for it. It had 2 (tiny) bedrooms on opposite ends of the apartment, a large (for NYC) living room in between for my grand piano, high ceilings, and brick walls. I could walk to Lincoln Center and safely, at any time of day. The building was taller than the one next door so I could see the sky. Most importantly, the rent was cheap. After I found myself a new room mate (who lived in the city only during the work week) it was manageable on my little income.

I like to know how people make it in such an insanely expensive city. I love seeing how people make the most of tiny spaces and others create homes more thoughtful and beautiful because - in large part - they don't have a ton of resources.

I tried to give up my NYTimes addiction because they started charging me to read it, but old habits die hard. I can get my news about anything else, anywhere else. But there's nothing like the NYTimes when it comes to the stories and pictures behind the listings and the numbers.

So here's another house I loved looking at and reading about. This one's in Chile

coconuts!

Jake 5/11

I have basically come to the realization that my son, Jake, has some sort of anxiety.

Last night, Jake came to me. I'm having those dreams again. I went and laid down with him, but he kept putting his hands to his head and wailing. I brought him downstairs, we had a drink and shared a clementine. My husband also came down and hugged him, but I could see that Jake was still asleep and barely there. He could not articulate a thing.

Back we went. My husband to bed, me at Jake's side, and this time Jake was very scared of something, crying and saying some nonsensical things. How about a warm bath, Jake. Come with me, I took his hand.

I ran the bath, helped him undress, and guided him in. Coconut or watermelon? I asked. Coconut he replied after a long pause. I knelt by the tub and poured warm water on his back with a cup. Does this feel good? No comment. Close your eyes, I instructed as I poured warm water over his head. I lathered up his hair with coconut shampoo.  It was like he was 5 years old again.

Thanks, Mom, he told me as I rinsed his hair clean. Now I could tell he was with me.

No problem, I'm glad you feel better... You know, there was a time when Olivia went through a really nervous spell.

Really?

Every now and then she had panic attacks. I'll tell you about it some other time. But you know what she did to help herself sleep at night? She put a drop of lavender oil in between her eyes, or maybe it was on her forehead.... In any case, the smell of lavender helped her relax.

Really? Perfume?

Yup, it's from a purple flower... Eventually her panic attacks went away and she had no trouble sleeping at night. You and I are going to figure out how you'll be more relaxed at night. Okay?

Thanks, Mom, he said again, while rubbing his eyes and face with his hands.

I dried him off and dressed him as he just stood there, tired as heck. I got him back in bed and patted his back. Soon he was snoring and all was fine again.

Raising Cain

The most important thing to remember, the guiding principle, is to try to keep your son's self-esteem intact while he is in school. That is the real risk to his success and to his mental health. Once he's out of school, the world will be different. He'll find a niche where the fact that he can't spell well, or didn't read until he was eight, won't matter. But if he starts to hate himself because he isn't good at schoolwork, he'll fall into a hole that he'll be digging himself out of for the rest of his life.  - Kindlon and Thompson in "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys"

I am in the thick of reading this fascinating book. It is a surprisingly (and refreshingly) relevant read. I will comment more when I'm finished.

Week 2 - Camp Mom

 Belac 8/11

This week started differently. Today I put on my sneakers and began the day at the running track. The boys dressed in record time, ate cereal and hopped on their scooters. The morning was sunny and breezy. People were out cleaning the mess of fallen tree limbs. A 200-year old tree fell on a house last night!

We arrived to the track and I began walking, then running. Each time I lapped, I got a good view of the kids climbing at the playground or running through last night's puddles on their scooters. My last lap, Belac joined me, his new bright green sneakers guiding me along.

Boys now eating a snack while drawing and reading. Not one complaint about anything so far.  How amazing would it be if school started with recess everyday!

trying!

Nothing like looking at pictures of yourself from a recent vacation and being slightly horrified. Nothing like being at a food court and looking around and seeing so many people eating things they shouldn't be eating. Nothing like shopping for clothes with hubbie, who has lost 18 lbs. and 2-1/2" from his waist since January of 2010. He's clocked an impressive 1100 miles of running and biking since just January 1 of this year and has barely missed a day of exercise. He's in the best shape he's ever been in. And over the past few months, it's required a whole new wardrobe....

Last week, his sister was in from L.A. and her mouth dropped open upon seeing him. It had been over a year. Oh my God! she exclaimed, you are a new man!!!

What am I going to do? I asked my husband, today. I'm not fat but not exactly thin, anymore, and age is taking its toll on me.

It's easy, Gimky, he told me on the way back from the mall. Make an appointment with the treadmill, everyday, and never miss it.

I remembered the feeling after our hike on Saturday. I remembered how happy I was when we were in Canada, hiking and swimming everyday. Can I just stick with this? Please? We came home, this afternoon. I laced up my sneakers and got myself running on the treadmill for the first time in God knows how long.

How do you feel? my husband asked me after I ran and had dinner, tonight.

I thought about it. I feel good. Remember this, I willed myself. God help me!

to do

Jake ran an easy 2 miles at the track, this morning.  He also did a little math while eating 2 salami sandwiches for breakfast. We are about to head off to the mall. I really hate shopping, but we have things to buy. Sneakers and long pants for Jake, who is growing like a weed, work clothes for hubby and my laptop needs to be serviced yet again.

We're going to the Danbury Fair Mall in Connecticut. It's out of the way, but it's also the only mall the entire family can bear. There's no charge for parking and there's plenty of it. There's an Apple Store. There's a mix of stores that are nice enough and not too expensive. The food court is bright and right next to an indoor playground and carousel. And most importantly, it's never too crowded.

Off we go!

on top of Bear Mountain

Waiting on all of the boys to wash up and I'm the first one down. I feel refreshed and happy. We are about to order dinner in.

The nicest thing we do as a family is hike. I think it's our saving grace that my kids love to climb and that they have endurance. They may not be sporty in an organized team-sport sort of way, but they love climbing to the top of mountains and hills and looking around. They love being indulged with a picnic that includes soda and chips at the top. It's the most amazing thing to be out in nature, being able to put one foot in front of the other together.

And today was interesting. Because my husband held Belac's hand the entire way, we all made it to the tippity-top of Bear Mountain in just 1 hour, right up to the top of the Perkins Memorial Tower. This was a record for us. It's a 4-mile loop that is pretty steep in places. Left to his own devices, Belac starts and stops on his own, but hiking side-by-side with my husband, he kept a constant speed. Jake and I were at times in front or behind, talking occasionally about different things but mostly quiet and just together with the dog. We all listened to Belac talk continuously about Nitrome computer games the whole way up. Level one has this, level two has this, and then you're supposed to do this and that.... and then there's another game....

A couple of months ago, my husband told me he thought Belac was now more Aspergersy. But they told us he wasn't, I said. I'm telling you, he insisted, he's Aspergersy and he's only become this way since they saw him 4 years ago. I listened and watched. Maybe he is, but honestly I can't really say.

On the way down, I vetoed any more talk about video games. Belac, let's talk about things other people want to talk about. The boys literally ran down the mountain. I don't know what Belac is. 4 years ago, we paid six or eight thousand dollars (don't remember now, whatever it was, it was A FORTUNE!)  to the Neuropsych department of Columbia Presbyterian. They told us Belac was autistic, "definitely not" Aspergers, and they said his condition would be life-long and incurable. But what would they say today? I really have no clue and despite my reoccurring curiosity, I am not sure it matters in any significant way. I do know that after last night, I totally need to sleep early tonight! I also know that both of my boys never cease to challenge and amaze me. More than anything, we are so lucky.

morning time!

Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing....

How many hours until morning? How many minutes until morning?

Will there be a tornado tonight? Will there be a tornado tomorrow? When was the last time there was a tornado in Sunny Patch?

I want it to be morning time....

I laid on Belac's bottom bunk, listening to him above me. Every time my bed creaked, he worried I was leaving him. I heard the same questions over and over again and it was non-stop. All the hugging just made his crying worse. I tried to be reassuring and firm from below. I just told you. Five hours. 300 minutes. No, yes, I don't know, I know....

After what seemed like hours of this, I heard him jump down from the bunk. I think a drink of water will help me feel better, he told me. I saw the light go on, I heard water run, and more sobbing. He got back up on his bed.

Belac. It's really late now and I have to sleep! I pleaded. No more questions or I am going to go back to my own bed. I can't sleep if you keep talking to me so no more questions and no more talking. We are definitely safe inside. Be quiet and I'll stay, okay?

I listened to him sob and sniffle and was almost in la-la land. Mom? I heard.

Oh my God! I tried to ignore him.

Mom...? Mom? he persisted. What if I have a question for you but you told me not to talk anymore?

I wanted to laugh like a crazy woman. Then you'll try to remember to ask me in the morning. Now Belac. Unless it's an emergency, there's no more talking. It's 1am and we really have to sleep!!

Eventually we both slept and I was able to sneak back into my own bed. By the time I went looking for him at almost 9am, he had a huge smile on his face.

I know why you're smiling, I told him.

Why? he asked, hanging his head upside down from the bunk without a care in the world.

Because it's morning time, of course!! I poked him and he laughed. Hallelujah!

White

It's pouring cats and dogs. According to weather reports it might even hail. It's going to be a long night for Belac. But guess what? Jake has been sleeping, willingly and happily, in his own room.

Today, we received notice that Belac has been assigned Mrs. White for 3rd grade. Kati's daughter, Izzy, is with Mrs. White, too. She is a good friend of Belac's (or should I say, her mom is a good friend of mine?) and she is staying another year, before the entire family joins their dad in California. The two girls who recently lost their mothers, one of a brain aneurism and the other with cancer, have also been assigned Mrs. White. This is interesting. It's a neuro-typical class, but given this year's class composition, I assume Mrs. White is a nurturing, experienced teacher. I also assume that Belac was partly placed in Mrs. White's class so that these other kids would also benefit from Belac's aide, to-be-announced. I am hoping (and cautiously assuming) that she will be a good-natured soul....

In the meantime, I hope to be able to sleep tonight. Thunder and lightening!

Rose of Sharon

We took down dying trees out front, last year. I think the resulting lack of shade contributed to a yard gone wild and overgrown.  I like the idea of not having to mow and water grass, but weeding the pachysandra has been both time-intensive and back-breaking. I finally bit the bullet and called someone to clear out all the remaining weeds and poison ivy. Now the yard looks neat and cared for, though severely bald in places. Today, I've decided to splurge on some trees.

Yesterday, I arrived home only to spot Chris' brother, out walking her dog and looking at our house. I pretended not to notice as I watched him hurriedly walk away out of the corner of my eye.  It has to be hard in a way, now living just down the street from this house, a reminder of what once was... Whenever we pick up Andrew to play, Jake's buddy, I take great care not to look at our old house. I especially have never allowed myself to look into our old backyard. I just know that it would upset me. I loved being out back and miss it. I spent long afternoons watching and pushing the kids as they swung from the old oak tree. The kids were always climbing the trees and exploring. It was peaceful and it was therapy. No matter how scared we were of autism and the future, everything always seemed okay when we were in our old backyard.

I plan to plant a kousa dogwood, several rose of sharons, and a butterfly bush. They're all trees from our old yard. A mature dogwood is beautiful and can hold a couple of climbing kids, and the Rose of Sharon is an interesting one. Its purple flowers bloom very late in summer, just when you might need a pick-me-upper.  Left unattended, it grows just like a shrub. But pruned just so, it can grow to be more treelike and even pretty tall. Ours were about 10 feet tall by the time we said goodbye. And not that I knew what I was doing, I pruned them in such a way that some of the limbs were very low and grew to be pretty thick. Perfect for the amusement of little feet!

One day, I'll look into our old backyard again, but for now I'm definitely not ready. It makes me infinitely happy, though, to plant those trees and bring a piece of it here.

breathe

All the wood on our porch is rotting and outright missing in some places, but it is where we eat on these beautiful nights. I light a few candles and we bring our dinners out there. It's so nice!

It's mid-August. I am reviewing math and writing with the kids these days. I set up a few play dates with some 'good' kids. But I also find myself getting increasingly uptight and nervous as the first day of school nears. The days are becoming shorter and I worry especially for Jake. I really want him to have a good first year in middle school. He had a hard, hard time last year. Will next year be okay....?

Allie's husband has been gone all week. His dad has had a medical emergency.  It's been overwhelming, next door, for a bunch of reasons. Tomorrow is her son's birthday and I invited them all over for a birthday party. She borrowed a few eggs for cupcakes, tonight, and I hugged her.

There are kids in war-torn countries who live without security and knowing when their next meal will be. There are kids who live in this country who suffer.  Keep some perspective, I tell myself. Things are just fine.

edamame

 Belac 8/11

My husband came home later than expected, last night, and Jake decided to wait on him. Belac and I ate dinner first. I put some chicken and rice on Belac's plate, and set a large bowl of edamame before him.

Mom, I won't eat the whole thing by myself, he told me, pointing at the edamame.

You don't want them?

Do you have more? he asked.

I have a lot more in the pot for dad and Jake.

And you, too! he added.

And me, too, I agreed.

Okay, I will eat it. He dug into the bowl and began squeezing the beans from their pods. He loves this stuff.

Belac, why did you ask if I had more?

Because I wanted to save some for everyone else, he told me, not looking up.

That's incredible. And that's my boy!

moving on

 Belac 8/11

Some of my husband's family is in town and we went into the city a couple of times for meals.  The first restaurant was much too quiet and refined and I was nervous the whole time that Belac would either accidentally knock over his tall glass of water or misbehave. There was no children's menu and the white-clothed table was no place for markers and paper. The restaurant the next night was a noisy steak place we have been to many times over the years and the set up was perfect for all.

My husband's sister, now living on the west coast, asked about the life insurance policy my husband and I recently purchased. I don't know how she knew about it, but think she might have found out from my husband's dad. This is a subject I really don't like discussing with anyone, but here we were, talking about it over dinner.

My husband told her we purchased both term and permanent insurance.

Wow. Why so much? Who says you have to support your kids past 30?

My husband was quiet and I stepped in. I like my sister-in-law, but I am also very careful with her. She is someone who at one time told us we should be talking to a therapist and not in family updates about our struggles. She found our early journey with Belac overwhelming. She even asked me at one point, accusingly, I felt: why didn't you contact the therapist my husband recommended? I'm sure she meant well and was only trying to help, but it was kind of humiliating and alienating during a time when we were scared and just really needed our families. I know that it pained my husband, years ago, that I had my sisters and family in a way that he didn't have his to rely on.

Well, you know, I explained. We're just being conservative about the future and preparing for the little one (I nodded my head towards Belac) in case he doesn't 'make it.' We've been getting financial advice about how to prepare....

And this is where I just wanted the conversation to move on.  We really don't need anyone to be 'nice' and flippantly tell us that Belac's going to make it and we have nothing to worry about. You know what? No one knows where he'll be and no one can say. On a good day, I think he has a chance, too, but the circumstances have to be just right. Now is the time to make preparations while we can, or it could be really hard for him later, hard for us. Worse, hardest for his brother after we're gone. It's so tricky with Belac and very few people understand. He has an autism diagnosis and has significant challenges, "but" he's high functioning and talented in many ways. Talk to us like there's no hope and I want to wring your neck. Tell us that everything is fine with a dismissive wave of the hand and I want to wring your neck! You see? You just can't win with me, so better that we talk about other things.

My husband's dad is someone who I respect. He's opinionated, stubborn, skeptical, and a really good human being in a non-sentimental, good-humored way. I can tell by the way he interacts with both my boys, that he's someone who "gets" them.  I believe he understands the nuances of our situation, even despite my not having explained it all to him and his living 350 miles away. At this point, he stepped up to bat. You're doing the right thing, but I think this kid is going to surprise you and I hope I live to see it. I really hope I live to see it!

Those words touched me to the core. God, I hope he's right! And with that, we moved on.

Camp Mom

 Jake 8/11

Today is the first day of Camp Mom. We have 3 weeks until school begins. Both boys need to review math and do some writing. Jake especially has long division and math word problems to practice. Belac needs to read and still has his summer packets to complete.

The boys slept in and we had some breakfast. Listen guys, I told them, you have 20 minutes to play and then I want you to meet me in the dining room at 9am. I braced myself for their reaction. Belac immediately cried his head off and complained over and over that he HATES to work. Jake's whole body sank and he groaned.

At 9am, I managed to coax the boys to the table and get them working on their math, but it was clearly going at such the snail's pace. I reminded them they'd have plenty of breaks to draw and read and play. "I hate this!" Jake muttered while brushing away tears. Ugh. Even with the promise of lots of breaks, this was going to be painful. I soon realized there had to be a better incentive and the three of us quickly came to an agreement which changed everything!

Every math problem, correctly completed, amounted to 1 minute of computer time earned. Jake and I further agreed that every division problem, correctly completed, was TWO minutes of computer time.

By 11am, Belac and I had reviewed the money and measurement lessons and he had banked 45 minutes of computer time. He was using those computer minutes right away during his breaks and was thrilled. Jake, on the other hand, read during his breaks and planned to use his computer time all at once at the end of the day. Most shocking is that he even came downstairs from his 15 minute break without my having to ask even once, and for that I added 5 minutes to his computer time. Yay, he laughed. I was thrilled to reward his good behavior, which I view as much more important than academic performance.

It sounds so crazy, doesn't it? But this is ABA at its best for you. Or simply bribing, whatever you want to call it. Some parents would shake their heads at this, but this is what's working for us today. Jake said to me as he sat with his division problems, "I hate this!" I looked up, though, to find him smiling. Want to see something cool? He asked. He got up and showed me how he could look like he was running forward even while traveling backwards. That's cool! I agreed. When given the chance to break for an hour for lunch and free-time, he insisted on first finishing the page of problems. Practice makes perfect, Mom, he told me, but that's not even true, because nothing is perfect!! He turned his attention back to his math. He really wants those 12 more minutes of computer time!

to each their own

Canada 8/11

Beautiful night.

Kati's family is back from a summer in Hungary. We had some pizza and for hours, the boys played with her girls on various vehicles (bikes, scooters, trike) running over self-made ramps on the drive. Allie's kids joined in and the adults chatted. The night was very cool and dry for the first time in weeks and it was hard to say good night.

Boys headed upstairs when it was way past dark. Jake crawled into his own bed. Wow, I thought. Belac climbed the ladder to his bunk of his own bedroom. Are you staying with me? he asked. I laughed. You!? Don't start this, you're fine! I kissed them good night and went to bed myself. We were all tired and I heard not a peep from them. It was nice. Every window was thrown open and I could hear just the late summer crickets. I think this would be the first time in over 5 months they each slept alone at home and neither my husband nor I had to sit with Jake.

Woke up this morning and slipped past the guest room, where I did a double-take and the dog looked up forlornly from the guest bed. Poor dog! He doesn't know what happened to his bunkmates!

boys

 Belac 7/11

The boys were part of a camp show with disco/hip hop routines, last night. We had been in Canada for the past week, so they both had dance moves and songs to learn in just a few days. By the time we arrived 20 minutes early, we had to park blocks away. The auditorium was jam packed and there were no seats left. My husband and I stood on the sidelines. We had had no idea what a big event this show was.

The routines began with the youngest campers. It was all fine enough. There were cutesy dancing and singing routines. Finally! 30 minutes later, they introduced the Macho Men of 3rd grade. The boys sauntered in with attitude, flexing their muscles, dressed in brown tank tops and hair jelled into mohawks. I laughed my head off and studied the boys who had filed in from both sides of the stage. Where is Belac, where is he? I asked my husband. Gimky, he's right there, the second one from the right!!  I did NOT recognize him AT ALL.

I squinted. There he was, striking a cool pose, still as could be with arms flexed convincingly like I-don't-know-who. He might as well have had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He proceeded to dance with confidence and like it was the easiest thing, though often a slight step behind. Hopping, punching, turning, kicking... he really held his own. I tried not to cry, as I didn't want to impair my ability to see everything. When the music stopped, the boys froze in cool poses and the audience erupted in applause and screaming. I watched Belac take a deep bow with arm crossed over his stomach. What Mrs. Rondo had observed in the 2 years she was with him was so true. He really loves being on stage and thrives on that kind of attention. My husband and I laughed and laughed.

The 5th grade boys came on soon afterward. Jake appeared with a huge chain link around his neck that he had made out of tinfoil and moved and danced to a bombastic hip hop song. It was wild to see him up there striking poses with the others and making every effort to follow along this complicated routine he had only just learned. It was remarkable that Jake was actually dancing, let alone up there for all to see. I was amazed that he had even wanted to be part of this, having spent the past year constantly limiting his exposure.

Maybe the circus camp helped after all! Maybe. But if you want to know the truth, I think it has more to do with Jake's role models at camp.  He has 4 male, high school and college-aged counselors. They are cool, friendly, and very outgoing. Camp policy is: no cell phones! When Jake's group is in the pool (twice a day) the 4 counselors have to be in the pool. At lunch, they sit among the boys, they don't go off on their own. Those counselors are expected to be with the boys at all times. And guess what? Those 4 counselors were also on stage, dressed just like them, dancing to the music and part of the gag. They never barked at the kids from the sidelines because they never had to. The counselors were doing alongside them, all summer-long.

Ever think of what it's like to be a boy in a typical U.S. school? Most of the teachers are female. Jake has never so far had a male teacher except for P.E. and Band. Everyone else has been female, from the administration down to the lunch ladies and the monitors. Have you read anything about how boys fare in U.S. schools, today? Well, they're being recruited for college like visible minorities. No joke and it's a serious problem. Boys are not getting something they need and we also happen to be missing strong male role models in primary and secondary schools. (If a child's parents are divorced, it's also likely he's living with his mother.) And don't even get me started about special education! The majority of students with autism and behavioral challenges (ADHD and the like) are male. Like I said, we need more and good male role models in the schools!

I was proud of my boys' performance and especially so proud of Jake for getting up and putting himself out there so willingly. Thank you Camp Disco!

in search

Belac 8/11

I know, deep down, that the most important thing in my role as a mom is to focus on my children's well-being. Being secure in oneself at the core, being kind to others, and having a strong sense of what is right and wrong are characteristics I view as being most important. That said, as my kids mature, I can't help but increasingly worry about how both my boys will practically fare in this dog-eat-dog world.

It's interesting. Belac is the one with the diagnosis, but I kind of worry about him less at this point. He wants to be an artist, he wants to be an author, he wants to make movies and videogames.... His passion is drawing and creating stories and games on paper, and he has thousands of markers and drawings to prove it. When a picture doesn't come out just right, he wails, balls it up furiously and throws it in the fireplace. He gets up early to work on ideas he thinks about at night. This kid has challenges, can barely hold a conversation at times or is in his own world, but he also has huge passion and self-imposed, high standards in his individually-driven endeavors with marker in hand. Though very much a solo activity, drawing has helped him in social ways, too. Some of his most interactive conversations are over his detailed descriptions of games he's making. And he has managed to strengthen some of his relationships by writing letters and drawing pictures for others.

Jake, on the other hand, is my naturally social kid. He has a great sense of humor and enjoys the company of others. He is a bookworm and I often find him curled up reading densely-detailed fantasy and science fiction. But in terms of school, he needs a lot of pushing to just begin his work and then to get it done to a certain standard. He tends to be disorganized and loses things. He's totally capable and a very smart kid, but he doesn't push or expect more of himself when it seems good enough, often works slowly, and runs away from competition. I'm also concerned that he's not very proactive and more a follower. He reminds me a lot of a young version of me. But the difference is that by age 10, I had music and was already concert-mistress of the local orchestra. Music pulled me along and forced me into the spotlight against my nature. And lucky for me. I think music saved me from a lot of my insecurities and lack of direction.

The thing that worries me most about Jake, is that he hasn't found his passion or that thing that he naturally excels at. If he could orient his life around a goal or passion, it would really help him solve a lot of the above. He'd be more confident, his energy would be more directed, and his work would have more purpose. But ask him what he wants to do? He doesn't know. No idea. Ask him what he likes about school? Recess. I'm nervous for him. I'm also down on myself because I believe his lack of direction is my fault. I feel like I haven't been such a good mom for him, even though he was supposed to be the 'easy' one.

None of the books I pour over are very helpful, there's no magic bullet as promised. Looking at what other kids are doing is also just comparing apples to oranges. Instead, I realize, it's really all about Jake's life experience and trial and error. I've been encouraging him to take risks and try different things. I give him permission to fail as long as he just tries. I pull my hair out while pushing him along, hoping and praying. He seems happy enough, but for crying out loud, he needs a true passion! Something that he feels compelled to work hard on or to stand up for. The kind of thing that you don't give up on just because it's time-consuming and hard sometimes because the taste of whatever it is has pulled you in. Jake's life will become immensely more enriched and his work ethic will change for the better when he finally finds that thing that makes him tick.

the unknown

 Belac 8/11

Jake asked over and over if we could stay longer in Canada. We were up there with our longtime friends, kids he has known since birth. Everyday he was up early and exploring the woods with the kids. We swam, kayaked, hiked, biked and basically basked in the sunshine and exerted ourselves heavily outdoors, everyday. Despite his crooked tooth, he smiled huge teethy grins for the cameras. 10 days in Canada spent with the closest people, he was so happy.

By the time we drove over the border, there was buzz after buzz on my phone. I had at least 600 emails to sift through. But the only messages that caught my eye were from parents of Jake's classmates. Which teacher was Jake assigned to? they asked.

I immediately went looking through the mail upon returning. He was given... Ms. Lotto. Hm. I had never heard of her and she wasn't one of the two really great teachers I kept hearing about. And so far, I didn't know that he was in class with any friend. I called around to see if anyone knew anything about her. Nothing, not even an impression.

Then this morning, Rachel, the mom from the pottery birthday party weeks ago, came by to drop off Belac's newly fired piece. Don't mince your words. Tell me what you know about Lotto, I begged her. Well, she replied, she's not the best but not the worst. And, she hesitated, she's on maternity leave for the first few months. WHAT...? You have got to be kidding me. I called immediately to the middle school to verify. It was true.

I am trying to keep an open mind about this and not be a crazy Westchester mom. But the transition to Sunny Patch has not been an easy one for Jake. Making friends was very slow-going and he was stuck with a teacher, last year, that did not believe in him and was actually quite mean in her impatience. There were tears about school and her yelling at the class all of the time. I had had conferences with the administration at the elementary school, the school psychologist and Jake's teacher about his teacher placement for middle school. I begged them to please, please make sure that Jake was placed properly for next year and I just have to believe they gave this placement careful thought. Although it wouldn't surprise me if no one knew this teacher was going to take extra leave time....

I called my husband. He was appalled at the news.

If Jake has another terrible year, we're sending him to private school, I told him.

It would change a lot of things, he responded slowly while thinking aloud. Belac would stay in the Sunny Patch school, Jake would go to private.... but in that case, Gimky, I'm really not sure we can afford the house....

I know.

good news for Doris

Doris, our old crossing guard from the other side of town, has been working our new block this summer. A lot of people think she is crazy and I admit she is a bit odd, but I also think she's just awesome. She doesn't take shit from anyone. I have seen her roll her eyes and lecture many a driver, yelling to be heard through their windshields. "Get off your cell phone!" or "SLOW DOWN! Don't you notice there are kids here??" I have seen her shrug off the honking from the back of the line. I have seen her boldly step in front of moving vehicles with her orange flags waving. Everything for the kids. I love that she'll be there when Jake walks to middle school next year. She'd throw herself in front of a speeding car before she'd let a thing happen to any of the kids.

Today, I walked past with the dog. Gimky! she waved to me as she crossed the street. I have good news and bad news! She had a huge smile on her face. CHRISTOPHER GOT A JOB!!!!

Woo hooooo! I screamed with my arms raised up in victory. I felt my eyes tear up as I hugged her. There is just nothing as beautiful as a mother's glowing smile on the heels of so much worry and in the midst of very hard times. This was the best news.

Her family has been in such need of this break. You see, she wasn't always a crossing guard and a stock person at the local grocery store. She lost her job selling insurance after 20 years with her company. Her husband also lost his desk job and now does grunt work for a tree company. Her 21-year old has special needs and struggles to get through community college. He may never graduate. Her 26-year old earned a graduate degree in math education but couldn't find a teaching job. For 2 years, he's been working as a substitute teacher and a tutor for Kaplan, but earned the bulk of his income from a $15,000/year job at the A & P.

Depressing as it has been, it was financially manageable. They all lived under one roof and each contributed to household expenses. But then over Mother's day, her son was admitted to a hospital for 9 days over complications with his Krohn's disease. He's in fine health now, but the health insurance her son had through the A & P refused to cover the $90,000 medical bill because her son went to a hospital that was out-of-network. I assume they will one day resolve this or at least get the amount drastically reduced, but it's been scary, scary times for this family. As they say in the U.S. Most families are just one medical emergency away from financial disaster. But go figure. This kid actually had insurance....!

Doris told me. He leaves on Thursday for Virginia. It's going to be growing pains for all of us. I'm going to be a  mess!

I have been generally feeling like this country is going down the tubes. Our government is Incompetent. So many people need work. But even if you're lucky enough to have a certain amount of security and be employed, it's also so hard to get ahead.... But hearing that Christopher landed a full-time teaching job makes me happy. For my friend Doris and her family this is huge and the best thing that could have possibly happened. May this be a new chapter for all of them.

O-Canada!

Jake and Belac

Off the grid. No phone, internet or tv for 10 days. Everyday swimming in the lake, kayaking, hiking up mountains, biking and picnics. Kids went into the forest everyday to drag out wood for bonfires. We hung out with our friends and family, cooked and drank wine under the starry sky. I did not wear a watch. I ate when I was hungry, went to sleep when I was tired and woke up whenever I wanted. I felt far, far away from everything and didn't worry about a thing. It was so sweet and easy! Heavenly. And in a snap, it was over and just like a dream.