trying to make it happen

I've met 3 architects and it is clear which I will choose. He's the one who came today and the only one who walked, despite all being local. I've always wanted to see this house close up! he remarked as he shook my hand. He knows the building inspector, has worked on many homes in town, and charges a flat fee. He told me that this job is very straightforward and will take him - the architect - about 10 hours. He agreed with me that the renovation remain modest, it not being 'that kind' of house.

He stressed how important it is to hire a contractor with enough man power to be able to at least attempt the entire job in 2 months. Otherwise the project could and will drag out far too long. He spent the least amount of time with me of all three but we covered serious nuts and bolts. He also gave me numbers based on similar projects he was currently overseeing that were less than half of another's recent rough estimate. He was efficient and straight forward. He's forwarding a list of clients and their numbers, something the others did not offer.

I also found out that a certain flower's parents (also his former client) spent more than our entire budget (I didn't disclose) on just their kitchen cabinets...! But he also told me that his own neighbor's kitchen came out beautifully with cabinets from Home Depot ("of all places") and their entire gut renovation, hardware and labor, came to 28K. I was grateful for his honesty though kept mum about IKEA and just listened. I like and respect that this guy works with budgets on both ends of the spectrum.

As we made a little small talk on his way out, he nodded at our jungle of 4 foot weeds. Sometimes people buy a house and they do everything at once before they've even had a chance to live in it. I respect that you lived here first and had time to get to know your house and decide what it really needed. I laughed. We had no choice! And believe it or not, we've already sunk some serious coin into this house. But you're right, it's probably a good thing, though for my own sanity I really can't fix this yard soon enough!!!

my Jake

Hubby and I lingered by ourselves at the kitchen table, last night, talking over things. Jake suddenly appeared. I just want you to know that I'm not going to be stupid.

My mouth dropped. My husband rose and did not miss a beat. He followed Jake back to the dining room where he was doing homework and sat down. I especially admire my husband's clarity during these moments. No one said you were stupid and we never said my cousin was stupid, my husband began with a quiet and gentle voice. In fact this has everything to do with the fact that you are extremely smart and so is he! But our point is, no one can do it for you, no one else lives your life for you. At a certain point, you have to know what you want and want to do and then take initiative.

But he went to college....

College is important and a great goal, but life does not end after college. No one hands you a job and life after college.... There's a lot of exciting stuff you could do one day, Jake, if you set your mind to it. Maybe you'll be an engineer and figure out how things work. Or an architect and design buildings. A doctor or an inventor of something. Doing your best, having just a few goals centered around the kinds of things you like doing.... it's important.  And it's why we push you, because you aren't dumb or stupid. You are a very smart kid and we believe in you, that's why we push you.

This morning Jake and I dropped Belac and Izzy off at the elementary school before continuing on our walk to the middle school. With leash in one hand and another arm squeezing Jake tightly proclaiming 'now I have you all to myself!!' I realized just how much meaningful encouragement this kid needs.  Even if he holds himself in a way that doesn't invite it, he needs it.... and I know this not just because he asked again for hubby or me to come to him last night because he "couldn't sleep."

I am so glad about our August plans, when we will be in the country at my in-laws, swimming in the lake, hiking different parts of the Laurentians and biking everyday in the very rustic, middle of nowhere. Where the boys spend hours exploring and wandering in the woods and dragging out wood for our evening bonfires. Where you'll never see more stars shining brighter. Where Jake curls up in a hammock and spends afternoons reading. Hubby cannot be there the whole time but recognizes the same thing. The boys learn so much just by being there and exploring and away from life and civilization as they know it. It's better than camp. It's better than school. And I really just feel that Jake, especially, needs this kind of time.

P.S. I am pretty sure he has a crush on Izzy.

drive

My husband's cousin slept in until like 10. Then he watched movies. He told me he'd be leaving before I returned home in a few hours, so we hugged good bye. But then he ended up staying longer to finish his movie, not even pausing when the kids arrived home from school. There's nothing totally wrong with this, of course. I had invited him to stay much longer if he wanted. He's young. He just graduated college. He's on vacation. But I just can't help it. In my mind, everything is wrong with this. You know, if he had to worry about paying his rent and his next meal, would he spend his time like this? I think not.

I always had a job from the moment I could drive at 16. Always. And some of those jobs were quite unglamorous. I waitressed a lot and for years until I had enough work to pay my bills accompanying everyone and their wanna-be-the-next-Met-diva sister on the piano. And call me a snob, but I really think that at age 22, I could not have sat in someone's house sleeping in and watching movies while there were other people in the house working, cleaning, studying, and playing by themselves. If I saw a pile of clean clothes in front of me, even if they weren't mine, I seriously think I would have folded them or done a few dishes or simply hung out with the boys, even if my heart wasn't entirely in it. Am I expecting to much? Am I being fair? I don't know. But sweet and good as this kid is, I suspect he lacks a certain drive and hunger.

And I guess this is what I worry about with my kids, Jake in particular. About their having the desire to DO instead of waiting for something to happen. Being curious and inquisitive and coming up with ideas. Finding pleasure of working really hard at something that you lose yourself in. Belac has that about him and is quite clear and aggressive about what he wants and needs to do, but Jake hasn't found that something yet. It's okay, he's just 11, but I miss a certain drive and decisiveness from him. To compete in this tough world, more importantly, to find fulfillment in his life and work, he's going to have to become more self-motivated and hungry, even aggressive to a certain degree. I look at what might be a grown up version of him, here, and the truth is, I worry.

visitor

Hubby's second cousin is visiting on short notice. He is a really sweet kid. Last I saw him, he was walking around in his underpants at his grandma's house. In a blink of an eyelash and 12 years later, he walks through our front door as a handsome college graduate, funny and articulate. I was so verklempt upon seeing him, I had to call his mom out in California. How did this happen? And she could only laugh and agree, I know, I know!

The kid came from PA and didn't even bring a backpack or toothbrush, it was so curious. He had dinner with us, spent the night, and then this morning, asked if he could stay another night. Of course! I replied, stay as long as you want or need! His visit also reminds me of hard times these graduates face. There aren't a ton of internships or jobs to be had. He's on a wait list to teach in Asia. Though putting on a pretty convincing brave face, he has next steps to figure out.

What's he going to do? hubby asked when I called to tell him his cousin would be spending another night.

I don't know, but I'm okay with it if he wants to stay. It's probably less stressful for him to be here rather than back at school where most people who have graduated have left already.

He didn't even bring clothes!

Well, he'll borrow some of yours... he told me he feels relaxed here. He hinted that his stomach was weird at dinner and I think he's not been eating properly. He's carrying around that bag of sliced sour dough bread...! As far as I'm concerned, he can stay as long as he wants. Are you okay with that?

Yes, he agreed, it's fine.

pain in the ass

First day in DC, sis, Jake and I went looking for a clothes store. Jake was wearing long dark pants and had forgotten to pack any shorts for himself, a problem in this sweltering weather. We only had to walk 5 blocks but I was wincing at every step. Everyone was walking far ahead of me. I was sweaty and hot, in pain, and mostly annoyed that we had to be shopping.

Can't anyone at least walk with me??? I cried as I limped along.

And then I suddenly remembered an incident with my mom.

There was a summer that hubby and I relocated to Paris for his work. I encouraged everyone in my family to come and visit while they could take advantage of free housing. My mom came, she had never been to Paris before. I had a humungous double stroller to push that took considerable energy to both move and control as we strolled the Champs-Elysees. I was impatient that my mom wouldn't (in my mind) walk faster, forgetting that we had already been on our feet for more than a mile to get to that area. I was always slightly ahead of her, deliberately at times because I thought I could get her to move more quickly. "Can you just slow down??!!" she cried, so upset with me after probably an hour of holding it in, "I can't walk that fast, okay???"

Ugh, I told my sis, recounting the memory. How could I be so unsympathetic and awful to mom?

Do you want to take a cab, Gimky? Let's take a cab, my sis instructed as she hailed one down.

Okay, I easily relented, I would love a cab.

highlights

Walking around the outside of the Lincoln Memorial, catching the breeze and shade on a scorching hot day and getting a great 360 of DC. I hadn't been there since I was 9 years old.

Visiting the Udvar-Hazy Center. An incredible place to see everything from the Discover and Concord to hobby planes and gliders.

The Building Museum and the Lego Exhibit. We spent hours over Legos in this historic building with ice cold ac. Heaven in more ways than one.

BBQing and swimming at the rooftop deck of my sister's apartment after a hot, sticky day.

Hanging out with sis and her BF, meeting up with old friends... overall, a really nice trip.

Wondered on the way home what the house would feel like, having been gone during 3 very hot days with barely a tree now shading the house. We have no central air and all the windows were shut, but with blinds and curtains drawn and the new aluminum shingled roof of last year. Surprisingly cool in the house, all things considering. Somehow we will (and must) survive the heat of the summer!

long wknd

Let the week end begin! Just came home from the closing of our refinance. We got an exceedingly good deal. Paid no NY mortgage tax by staying with the same company and received a much lower rate for half the time. We are really happy about this. (By the way, if you're shopping around, HSBC has some of the lowest fees and some of the most powerful incentives to stay with them. They are also not in the business of selling their mortgages and this behavior matters to me.) Dog goes to violin student in the morning and we are off to see my sister in DC. Only problem is I have been limping and my hip really hurts. For what reason I don't know.

Tonight we got into the car after closing. I shut the door and looked at my husband to figure out why he hadn't started the car. I found my husband staring at me. Did I just see you lift your leg into the car?

Did I really just lift my leg into the car? I wondered. Look, I rolled my eyes, if I somehow caught Belac's vasculitis, it will be over in 4-6 weeks. Maybe it's arthritis, my mom used to complain of that when it rained too much. Or maybe this is what happens when you suddenly don't run for 3 days, I shrugged, it's fine, don't worry about it!

Gimky, it makes me wonder... he looked at me some more.

We're going to DC, I'm not discussing it! We'll take the trolley tour, we'll hang out with my sister, I'll take it easy.

He started the car and didn't say a thing, but I know why. My sister is a medical doctor and we're seeing her tomorrow.

house talk

Do you ever wonder how people afford their lifestyles? Or if - in fact - they truly are affording them?

The architect did not blink an eyelash, yesterday, when he told me that 'everything' would cost 150-200K.  Oh My God! What are you doing here?? I thought, while I simply nodded and returned his glance without blinking an eyelash. He told me of other houses in town that are currently under construction for very similar projects. I couldn't believe it. How do people afford this? Where does that money come from?

When we briefly lived in Forest Hills, I became friendly with a family in one of the coveted town houses. We were renting an apartment at the time and I admired her home so much, particularly because of the tiny patch of green and the tree in front of her house. One day, though, she shared a secret with me. They were on their 3rd refinancing on the house and had amassed significant debt. She seemed to think it was okay because the debt was all in her name and not in her husband's, however, she didn't know how she could ever pay it all back. It just blew my mind. I mean. They had a brand new VW with a sunroof, next to our almost 10 year old Honda. They took trips to Disney World and other warm places in the winter. They continued to spend right and left like they had money. I thought they were well to do and much more well to do than us. But the truth is, they had tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Things were not what they appeared.

Of course, shit happens. My friend's husband was out of regular work for almost 2 years, during the time she scrambled to get her license and permission to work. They were kept afloat by family and odd jobs. But they had mouths to feed and had to rely on the plastic. It's going to take time to dig themselves out, but the important thing is that they are both working now and paying their bills. And they are - and always have been - very frugal....

I guess what I want to say is this. We aren't pulling weeds or touching the yard until we come up with a manageable and affordable solution. We have stood at the sidewalk, many a time, with friends and neighbors as someone invariably exclaims, Oh My God! followed by a hesitant, maybe you could try.... (Yesterday someone suggested mowing right over all the weeds and pachysandra, pouring chemicals on half the front yard to kill the poison ivy, and wondered if it would look that bad. Well, it certainly has the chance of looking better....)  A violin teacher in town just showed up at my doorstep unexpectedly. She barely has two nickels to rub together after quitting her job in the district. And is it crazy? Never having been here, I'm kind of relieved that she walked up our drive and saw our jungle close up. We have a sizable house with loads of character and it could be intimidating if everything was fixed, updated, and picture perfect, but it's clearly not. It's a feeling I really appreciate and hope we never lose even as we make improvements. The feeling that you can just approach without formality, stop by and stay. The feeling that this could be your home, too. There's no chance of it, but it is so important to not "over" improve. Stay honest, stay the course.

worth it

Another architect showed up today. He's local. From what I can see on his website, he designs beautiful renovations and homes. I love that the kitchens in these homes appear understated and efficient, and the majority are very crisp, clean and modern looking. We also immediately found out that we cannot afford him and the cost of what he wants to do.

Another landscaper guy showed up. He's local. From what I can see on his website, he takes care of beautiful lawns and does a lot of interesting planting. We did a once through of the property. Wow, he exclaimed, I'm going to have to think about this one, this is going to take days! Then upon seeing all the poison ivy and oak mixed in with all the pachysandra, assured me, I can't help you. We couldn't pay him enough to get him to help us.

Another middle school music concert tonight. It was local, public school. I didn't care at all for the band and orchestra, but the chorus! 135 kids all lined up and was it ever a beautiful thing! The teacher had charisma and exuberance, the kids were shiny and bright, tight with their hand choreography and pure with their singing. It was so touching. Later had ice cream with the boys' friends at our house with the crazy jungle and in the kitchen we need to somehow fix. Somehow, it was perfect anyway.

friends only

Received an email through Facebook, yesterday. At first I thought it was spam, but it was clearly not. The email was definitely for me and in response to something the stranger saw on my wall. I'm not sure what provoked his specific suggestions that I pray, but I found it entirely unsettling to know that he had been looking through my wall and photos of my family. Turns out this person and I had one shared (and distant) mutual  friend and it was enough for him to be able to see whatever I posted. I promptly changed my settings to 'friends only.'

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I never post anything too personal or about autism there. I show up mostly to 'like' other people's postings but rarely to say anything about myself anymore. There are at least a few people who I know to be complete narcissists and I roll my eyes wondering if they don't have something better to do. But pretty much I have come to accept Facebook for what it is. A way to be more easily in touch with people I care about, (but only) 184 of them.

Arriety

Brushed away tears at a scene and then the credits began rolling. What...? It's over?

A beautiful movie. A tale of survival.

pared down

The 4 of us watched half of "Arriety," last night. What a magical movie....  All went right to bed at 9, all had difficulty getting up this morning. This bug has been hard to completely shake.

Before bed, an email came to my box. Hubby had sent notes to our parents and I had been cc'ed. We offered up the kids' college account numbers for any future occasion gifts. He has seriously caught the bug, too. We really don't want more stuff. No gadgets, no dust collecting knick knacks, nothing we don't need or use. Not a thing more to take care of. It's wasteful, frankly. How much stuff does one really need?  Instead we want college for the kids, experiences out and seeing new things.

Here is a fascinating and inspiring article about the pared down life. Editing is definitely the skill of the century! Not a hard sell for us.

home

Could not evade this bug, myself, and home with Belac. Hubby on his way home early, too. Nice thing about working for yourself is that you can cancel. No music classes this morn, no piano lessons this afternoon, no babysitter, no tutor. Hubby, on the other hand, had to work even though he was still sick. Belac slept until 10am. We went into town for a bowl of soup and had a sweet time, celebrating his feeling better. Then came home and I became completely sick.

Laid down and watched some of the gutters seriously overflow and leak despite having been cleaned. I think the downspouts are clogged....  We have actually accumulated some dough to fix a few things around this house, but I'm very reluctant. Don't blink an eyelash at writing checks for tutoring and camp and anything for the kids, but any other expenses and I completely hem and haw.

What is most urgent? Taming the jungle out front? No, I don't think so, bad as it looks. Replacing a couple of broken pipes that lead outside? Reroofing the leaky flat roof above our porch and replacing the last of the rotting wood? Fixing/replacing the gutters and downspouts? Replacing the stove, on its last legs? Or the fridge, on its last legs? Or can it all wait until we have the nerve to take down the wall and 'do' the kitchen? What about the leaky windows, the walls that need to be insulated, the ancient bathrooms....

On Thursday morning, we close on our new mortgage. Lucky for so many reasons. Lucky we can lock in on a 15-year with interest rates so low. Lucky we did not overpay for this house, even with all the work that needs to be done. Lucky for hubby's job. It's certainly not lost on me that we must spend money on this house despite my reluctance. It is an investment we need to protect and improve on. We certainly have enough to keep us busy, though, for the next decade....

idea

My running partner wants her 15 year old to work. Upon seeing our problems with our yard and hearing about what the landscapers would charge us, she suggested on Friday that I put her son to work. My husband wasn't so certain. We no longer have too much poison ivy, but a landscaper pointed out that we certainly have poison OAK. I have filled, myself, 4 bags of weeds and it wasn't exactly fun or un-time consuming. Talked to Kati, today. She couldn't believe what the landscapers wanted to charge to weed... Maybe you could figure something out with the kids, she suggested. She also has a daughter who she wants to work. It seems everyone wants to teach their kids something about the value of money and hard work here in Sunny Patch.

It takes less than an hour to fill a big bag with weeds. What if I paid 10 dollars a bag for weeds....? I asked Belac. You know how you're saving up for the lego kit? Rather than trying to lose a tooth sooner and waiting for your allowance for 6 weeks... well, what if you could earn money to fill up an entire bag of --- WEEDS??? he finished my sentence. YAY! he told me, I will fill up a bag of weeds TOMORROW!

Last year, there were over 30 bags of weeds. I paid over 450 dollars for that at 35/hour. This year, there could easily be 60 bags of weeds. Is this crazy? Will I get in trouble for child labor? Everyone labels their bag and I pay them a handsome price per bag. Better than minimum wage but far less than the 35/hour. I will also provide snacks and drinks and work alongside everyone and not let anyone work for more than 2 hours at a time. Really?

siesta

Spent the last hours cleaning out the garage while periodically tending to Belac, doubled over on couch. Sent hubby up to bed, too, also sick to his stomach. Jake ran around with neighbors and now reading. It's only 3. Such a gorgeous and strange day to be home. I hung up every single thing possible onto the pegboards in the garage. I have a large pile on the drive to throw and give away. Tricycle, tagalong wheel, 2 boosters, my grandma's old cart on wheels, asbestos roof tiles (ugh!), tires from the old car - how did that happen? .... anyone want?

I think it's okay and late enough in the day, right? I ran today. I cleaned up vomit and diarrhea. Washed clothes. Now off to uncork some cold white wine. 

Sunday funday

Jake in his new sneakers, first thing, along with new shorts, t-shirt and haircut. This kid is growing like a weed. We did a little shopping, yesterday, and he looks and feels good.  Mom, when was the last time I went shoe shopping? he asked as he hopped around, admiring his new orange, black and white sneakers. September, I told him, your last sneakers lasted almost a school year.

Meanwhile, Belac is sick. Poor little fella is having it worse than Jake and has quite the belly ache. He threw up this morning and now has diarrhea. Laying in the living room with curtains drawn, sipping gingerale on this gorgeous day....

I was going to skip the running in favor of a hike with the fam, today. My hamstrings are sore, but it now looks like a day at home. On second thought, I have changed into my running stuff. I refuse to get sick and am off to the pond.

finding norm

Hubby off on a 25 mile bike ride this morning as I got on the treadmill. Is this the new norm? No more lying in bed until he gets back, but lacing up my own shoes too? Hubby also ran a 5K race in Stamford the other night and clocked in at 21 minutes and change. The winner ran the race in 15 minutes! And yesterday, Jake ran a 7:34 mile for a fitness test, coming in at 3rd in his class. I am absolutely convinced he should run regularly, not so much for physical health but for his emotional well-being.... My point is, these are all numbers I can understand and appreciate for the first time now that I am running myself, if you can even call it that. I travel 3 miles in 33 minutes on my feet...

Hubby was on a health kick for 2 years before I joined in. Granted, I have never been fat or inactive but I have to thank him for never making me feel lazy or guilty for sleeping in when he was up and out exercising on the week ends. But now that I'm up and exercising, everyday, I have to wonder if it somehow changes anything about the way he sees me. I mean, even I see myself differently, is the truth.

fine

Went for a run with a neighbor and took a peek at the garden she was working on. There is something so nice about how tidy and efficient her house is. It's a 3 bedroom, 1-1/2 bath house that they have been slowly fixing up over the years. They've done a lot of work themselves and though she is so elegant and has good style, she is also very frugal. They rarely go out to eat, she uses the library, and she knows how to shop.  Today she told me that they are able to save more than half of her husband's salary each year. That is so impressive to me. I'm not sure most people in this world have that kind of restraint.

Came home to work on my own yard. Just clearing out the small patches on either side of my front door required a lot of grunt work. But it was very cathartic. I filled 2 large bags with just weeds and bush clippings. I dug out an overgrown rose bush and turned the soil over. I mixed in new soil and planted some pink broom, ornamental grass and marigolds. I need just some mulch now and then I can say I have at least 4 square feet of this jungle under control.

Picked Jake up from school. The first time he called over his stomach ache, I suggested he forge ahead. Did you take the math test already? Yes, he reassured me. If you leave school early, I'll have to cancel the playdate and sleepover, I warned him. I don't want that, he explained before hanging up. But then an hour later, he called and told me his stomach really hurt. Chatted with his teacher as I picked up a weepy Jake. By the way! she caught me before leaving, here's Jake's math test. I looked at Jake as he peered over my shoulder at the 93%. Wow! I tussled his hair and saw him smile widely, your hard work is paying off. Made some chit chat with teachers we bumped into on the way out. At first Jake was teary eyed about the cancelled fun, but now at the dining table drawing. He's going to be fine. Maybe a mental health day is all he needs.

PS - I got on the scale 3 times in a row just to make sure. Apparently, there is suddenly 3 lbs less of me to love. Hallelujah! Now time to put away that scale that is screwing with my mind.

weeding

Oh my God! exclaimed the landscaper. I laughed. I told you it was a big job! There are waist high weeds everywhere in the pachysandra. There are tree seedlings everywhere. There is poison ivy in places. This is what happens when you can't just run a lawnmower over your yard on a hill. This is what happens when you no longer have the shade of a dozen trees. A jungle grows and it's only May.

How much to weed? You want to know how much everyone has basically been telling us? You want proof that I'm not exaggerating what a problem our yard is...? Everyone has come in at 800-1000 dollars with their estimates. 800 to 1000 dollars!! This last guy would bring 6 guys on Sunday morning and be done in 4 hours. He reassured me, over and over, that they would pull out roots and be meticulous. He thought that the weeds could be maintained afterwards 1-2 hours a month, maybe I could even maintain it myself. And you know what? I liked him the best. And why?

He showed when he said he would, even after 5 days of phone tag. He pulled and pulled some weeds to satisfy his own curiosity. He explained a few things succinctly. He told me that he can't take on anymore regular clients but that he can take on the occasional "as needed" Sunday project. His workers really want and need to work and want the Sundays. He doesn't need me and suggested that I just mow the back myself and save some money. AND he is the owner of the business and would be working along side his guys. That matters a lot to me. Instead of sending a team over who can barely speak English, he is this white guy working among whoever he brings. There is a reason that his company mows 60 yards a day and that he has hundreds of 'A' ratings on Angie's List. He doesn't just manage. He does the heavy lifting, too.

That's the thing. Is landscaping rocket science? No, it's not. But few people do a good job and run a business well. I want my boys to learn about this.

looking beyond

In yesterday's IEP meeting, it came up about all the play dates at our house. We're lucky because we live so close to school, I explained. It's convenient for kids to walk home with us and for parents to pick their kids up from our house instead....

The regular and daily social interaction as we are walking to and from school, walking the dog, walking to town, playing outside, and the continuous stream of play dates is probably the single most important part of Belac's development. And living in this house makes us realize we can help people. Working parents who are late to pick up, call and ask me to take their kids home with them. We've also taken kids very early in the morning, who then later walk to school with us.

There were years that I could not look beyond our own problems. I was busy trying not to drown. We were stretched and overwhelmed in every which way. But things are better now and we are in a much different place. It means that other people can depend on us and I engage over other topics. It's not that we still don't have needs, we have them. But we can look beyond them and try to help others with theirs at times. That is a great place to be.

4th grade plans

There was some discussion about next year and reducing extra support for Belac. The choice will be to leave him in the typical classroom with a shared or part-time aide or putting him in a modified class with fewer kids, a teacher and two aides, with no specific aide designated especially for Belac. Tried to keep an open mind as I observed the modified class.

We are set to continue our discussion in June. However, I did hint to the psychologist that I am interested in running with Belac's strengths in order to pull up his weaknesses. I didn't tell her yet that I really opposed putting him in a modified class specifically to address his ELA only for his Math, a strength, to suffer. I was playing my cards and tried to sound open-minded, but already knew what I'd be fighting for. To keep him in the typical classroom. His own teacher, this year, said he made dramatic improvements this quarter. They just need to make sure that he's assigned a very good teacher next year.

Today I met with Belac's reading tutor. We are all set for her to work with us all summer.

Belac

He has suddenly developed strong math skills, this quarter. Has entered into the average reading realm for the first time, albeit low average. Still below average in comprehension. Most importantly for me, remarkable improvement in behavior and attention this quarter. Less obsessing about Lily, more playing with other kids... these are the things I heard this morning and it is all good news.

I told this group of six teachers and specialists. I don't know what the results of the NY State exam will be, but even if he performs well enough, there is a story lost in those numbers. The teachers laughed, yes there is! All I have to do is remember where he was in 1st grade to recognize this great distance he's come. Even just looking at him since the beginning of 3rd grade.... We could not have gotten to this point without each of you and I am truly thankful. I am so grateful you did not and have not given up on him.

Crazy 8

Really not encouraging that I have now run over 100 miles since 2 months ago and I have not lost a single pound. Not one. What am I doing wrong? Why is my body hanging onto every ounce? I know, I know. Muscle weighs more than fat. Blah, blah, blah. This afternoon I seriously thought, F it. Why bother? But I forced myself on that damn treadmill. Just in case my body was about to relent. I read somewhere and made calculations that my ideal body weight is 8 lbs. less than what it is. Who would think it could be so hard to lose just 8 lbs? Dammit. I am determined to lose every f-ing one.

iep

Belac's IEP meeting tomorrow. I haven't thought about how school is going for him in weeks and weeks. I was learning notes. There was his leg. There were weeks of overseeing all of Jake's work and helping him study. I continued to religiously schedule 2 play dates for him each week, the socialization piece being of utmost importance in my mind, but barely oversaw Belac's work at all this past month. He always obediently did it and I'd take a glance before he ran off to play. And you know what? He's survived. He took those NY State exams - don't know the results yet. He did what he did. Wouldn't it be interesting if everything is fine, even better, without all of my worrying and micromanaging to prop him up? But it will also be very sad if their judgement is to put him into a special ed class next year.... It's going to be a very interesting conversation.

friend

A couple of weeks ago, my childhood friend wrote. She and I grew up in Michigan over music. We were in the Detroit Civic Orchestra, decades ago, when I was concert mistress and she was principal cello. We were in a chamber music league and performed our first gigs together. For at least 5 years, we saw each other 2-3 times a week, always sitting across from each other, and despite living nowhere near each other. Our families came to know each other well. We had siblings who were also playing music. We went to music camp at Oakland University, Interlochen, and our families attended concerts at Meadowbrook in the summers. But then we went off to different music schools and despite being very good friends, there were years we lost touch.

Still, as she went with hubby from DC to Chicago to NY and now to Boston, we did see each other a few times and randomly keep in touch, sometimes about the most personal things. But now it had been years that I was going to Boston and never seeing her or her now 3 year old twins, who took 6 years in coming. And what was it that made her definitively reach out this time? Her dad's cancer was back. He was currently in a Michigan hospital, where my dad spent half of his career and was now working as part-time pathologist. Of course I immediately told my parents who began to visit him. And then an invitation came. Can you give me your Boston schedule? Let's get together.

You know. That's the thing about Facebook. It keeps you in touch enough to know where someone is, but sometimes too in touch to feel the need to see someone in person. And that's the thing about Mir being my facebook friend. I did see her for lunch a few years ago, but mostly I knew she was always there. I could see her adorable boys despite never seeing them in person and it had been forever since seeing her hubby... 

So that is how I came to have brunch with them on Sunday morning with their good friends, also from Michigan. Gimky! Her hubby welcomed me with open arms like not a day had passed. Their house - in contrast to it's picture perfect condition 6 years ago - was now totally bursting from the seams with child stuff. Hubby showed me his carpentry shop in the basement where he made beautiful cabinetry when not playing with the orchestra downtown. I saw how loving hubby and wife were with these adorable kiddies they once thought they could never have. I loved watching my friend with her boys, she is such a good mom. I wanted to cry actually, to see them all so happy. I saw the twins empty out a hundred spice containers from the drawers and parents just shrug and laugh. It was really a sweet sight and such beautiful company that not even the nicest interaction on Facebook could replace. How old are your boys now? hubby asked. I watched his mouth drop in absolute disbelief when I replied, 9 and 11. Last time he saw Jake, he was a baby. How are your parents? I asked. Hard times, he sighed, like a lot of people in their position, they moved west for work, to Las Vegas actually. They don't have a lot of money....

Driving back into town, my friend and I dished over the good and the bad. I dropped her off at her gig before going to mine. Mir, I asked as we got to her corner, what happened to us...? We got busy? she answered, life? No, I clarified, what happened to us in highschool? Why was there such a long stretch of time we did not speak to each other? It makes me so sad to think about it.... Gimky, she looked at me, searchingly, let it go! It was such a very long time ago! I love you and you are my dear, dear friend. 

happy mother's day

I didn't play the last piece and snuck out of the concert before the end. Hopped in the car and booked it home in less than 3 hours. Hubby came out to give me hugs and kisses. Opened the front door to find Belac bouncing up and down. Mom, I love you, he declared much to my surprise while giggling and not looking at me, I love you so much! Jake hugged me and buried his head in my side, not letting go, I love you, too, he mumbled. My sweet family.

postlude

A huge opening to the concert and some beautiful and intense moments even if I must say so myself. The violinist and I hugged for a long time afterwards. It was a huge undertaking for us, to put something like this together in a few days. In the moment of silence after the last note I felt overwhelmed with what just happened and heard an almost whispered 'bravo,' I think from the violist of our group. Performing is a mindset. You have to be confident and never give up and boy, did I have my work cut out for me this time. Off to bed. Up for a coffee with an old friend before performing the same pieces again and then heading home.... I was scared and kind of viewed these concerts as a pain. However, I now must say that it was probably the best Mothers day gift my family could give. I was able to come here and realize, you know what? I still have it in me. And in many ways, despite not practicing or performing as much as I once did and having a lot of other competing responsibilities, I am probably a better pianist than I ever was. I love the musicians here and my community. They expect a lot of me but you couldn't ask for a more supportive bunch. One day, when the kids are done with school, I hope to move back here.

Can do

Spent a few hours at the piano today. Things are in good shape. Then came to a cross road. Do I go over everything again or do I trust myself? Will more time at the piano really help? This program is hard. It begins with the very most difficult piece. There are a million harmonies and liberties meant to sound like water and birds and the stamina required is unbelievable. Then move right into this tight and ironic 8 minute unison piece. It is so precise, militant and prescribed that a hair too late or early and the ensemble starts to unravel. We spent easily 9 hours with this little piece... Then follows after intermission a bigger piece. Not technically difficult, but there is so much sitting around for me and then suddenly having to be perfectly "on" out of nowhere in fast and exposed passages. So I decided to let it go. Better to rest and relax while I could. Took a walk. Picked up a running skirt and a cap and went for a run. Will now just study my music quietly. At this point, confidence and attitude is everything.

Before its too late

Got on the treadmill yesterday at the gym. Walked in to see all of these buff guys huffing away on some machine where you also move your arms. There was an old lady walking on a treadmill. Who am I kidding? I am not one of these people who go to the gym. I don't have any fancy running get ups. But there I was and began to run at 5 mph. A good tempo for me. Then what happens? Some fit looking guy gets on the treadmill right next to me! For awhile we are running the same speed and then he takes off. And then the funniest thing happened. Really? Am I that full of pride? I decide to run faster too. By my last mile I was running at 6.4 mph. 3 miles later I was sweating and panting like I never have, but then later walking to dinner with my cousin, I felt happy and light on my feet. You look younger or something, he told me. I laughed out loud, you flirting with me dear cousin? Actually, thanks for the compliment. Since I saw you 2 months ago, I've run over 100 miles and the only hard core evidence I have of this is the 2 pounds I've since gained.... Last night, my cousin told me some things about our grandparents I never knew. It tugged at me. Why had i never asked my father about these things? Why had he never told me? My cousin grew up in Taiwan and had a relationship with our grandparents. This morning, my parents left NY for home. Getting a head start home in preparation for a cruise on Thursday. I guess it makes me wistful that my parents are far away. They are so good with my kids and it's a relationship I wish they all had more of.... Hate cheesy email chain letters. But I got this yesterday and thought it was sweet. IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer). I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.' But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF! Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

N-O

Got up early and ran. 3 miles in 33:35, a record for me. Picked up a coffee and drove through awful traffic but felt an overwhelming sense of fine when thinking about all the notes on my plate. It's nuts. Is that all I need, a run? I just feel better. What did I do ever do to cope in my previous life? Asked hubby the other night if he thought anything was different since 2-1/2 months ago and he believed I was more relaxed in general. I will have played 7 concerts in Boston this season and it was too much for me. As much as I love that my colleagues appreciate me and always seem to want me, this was too much. No. No. NO. It's really okay and necessary for me to say it sometimes. No.

bawston

Wow. Am I ever busy. Yesterday began at 7am at home, reviewing math with Jacob for a test and ended in Boston after a long drive, 5 hours of rehearsals, dinner at 1030. I was never so happy to see a bed. Today was not much better and it's now 430 and I'm having lunch before my 3rd rehearsal. Its all modern music, some of it is freaking hard, and my head is swarming with notes. So how fun is this? Am I having fun yet? Not exactly sure. I couldn't run yesterday. And unless I want to run at 930 tonight, it's another skipped day. Also just realized its Mothers day on Sunday and I won't be home until 9. How important is Mothers day to me? Would I have agreed to play this concert had I known? Not sure. Tomorrow, I have a break at noon. I noticed a track near the piano shop and I'm determined to go, even if I show up at rehearsal sweaty and looking like something the cat dragged home. Hope it doesn't rain.

other

So proud of Jake. He got up and performed his diablo to Brazil! in front of 150 people today. No mistakes after a day of dropping his diablo over and over and being nervous, though he did end up in the corner of the stage and sideways in this performance. And in a showing earlier during his last media arts class of the semester, I saw some movie clips he created. Honestly, my mouth dropped at some of the stories he made up and animated....

Belac sat next to Lily, tonight, who was there to watch her sister play piano. He was in heaven, especially after getting a dollar to buy a bag of chips to share. Papa and Nanna, so encouraging and congratulatory, took videos and pictures of everything like Jake was a rock star. Jake came by during someone else's performance to poke hubby and me in the dark to receive his kisses and hugs. He didn't want to stay with us and wanted to hang out with his friends, but he knew it went well and came for a brief visit. I realize tonight that there is something to be said about being different and doing something different. There were a gazillion song and dance routines, lots of piano pieces people politely clapped over, but few "OTHER" performances. Jake was an "OTHER" and I was proud.

Walked home during a light drizzle in the dark. Everyone else was driving, no one was out walking but me and the boys. It felt light and magical. How do you feel? Good, Jake replied, I'm just so glad I didn't drop my diablo this time.  You were so good, Jake, I put my arm around him and kissed him, and you are just such a good kid, you know that? A really good kid.

dream

Last night, I dreamt that the boys - ages 9 and 11 - were driving themselves home in cars. I was in the car with Jake driving and then looked back just in time to see Belac nearly hitting someone as he backed out of a parking lot. I then realized I ought to really be in the car with Belac. I saw my neighbor out of the corner of my eye, who was doing the proper thing and riding bikes home with her kids. Jake drove ahead but then suddenly Belac was in a shopping cart and fell to the ground because his seatbelt malfunctioned. Now he and I were in the open air in the middle of what looked like a road in Taipei and there were race cars whizzing by. I saw a baby crawling across and I scooped him up and saved him. I looked around at the crowd that had gathered and no one would claim this child in my arms. There was chaos. I decided to get Belac safely into the car and bring the baby into the building.

Problem was, I got inside and no one would take the baby from me. She was now no longer a boy but a girl and the cutest thing. She kept pointing at herself and saying "Natalia."  I was starting to get desperate. Belac was still in the car and no one would help me with this baby. I had to go to another floor, the elevator never came. I wandered. I finally put the baby on a table near the unattended security desk for everyone to see, and left a note saying that if no one claimed this baby by the end of the day, I would pick her up at 8pm that night. As I left, I saw the baby was swaddled and sleeping, but everyone kept passing the baby and not even glancing at it. What could I do? It was the best I could do.  Now I had to run to Belac who I had left in the car alone for hours.

I left the building, only to find that I was on like the 16th floor. I had to jump from terrace garden to terrace garden, and I was increasingly unsure of where the car was. Then I found a fire escape but there was barbed wired everywhere that I had to squeeze through and any misstep on these rickety steps and I'd be dead.... and then, Thank God, I woke up.

So is this dream telling me something? LOL. I know what it means. I just can't wait until my concerts are over....

dancing

A day of practicing. A 3 mile run. No ER or doctor today. Spent some time making a home cooked meal for dinner and hubby uncorked some wine after he had his own busy day of grocery shopping, car and house maintenance stuff.... Now all of the boys watching Kung-Fu Panda with popcorn. Idyllic day.

An architect came by, earlier. He was recommended by a contractor our neighbor used. He right away understood the problems we wanted to fix and I liked his demeanor. This house has "so much potential," he noted, an oft phrase everyone uses to describe this charming but odd Cape/Colonial that has been added onto so many times. He gave us things to think about, including his strong opinion that only one of the four walls should come down. (We thought 2 of the 4.) Only problem is, that one wall supports a lot of this house and it will be money....

I did most of the talking between hubby and me. Architect tried to tease out a 'budget' and I was hugely mum. He and the contractor are friends, after all. You tell someone you can spend $50, they charge you $75. He assumed granite. Well, I was thinking concrete. Well, it could end up costing the same. Well, can a girl have a preference? What's your fee? 3-4 thousand with no supervision of contractor. Well, what is it? 3 or 4...?

My friend did her kitchen recently. It cost 50K just for the cabinets and another 50K for everything else. It looks beautiful and it's a modern aesthetic I can appreciate. But everyone also asks her if her cabinets are IKEA. It's not, it's something much more expensive. Does it make her feel bad? I don't know. It's a forever house for her, though, and they love it. It's hugely important. Her son is autistic and his disruptive behaviors means they cook almost all of their meals and stay at home much more than they ever imagined. Hubby and wife even take turns going to the movies alone because the one sitter that can handle their son is not always free. They have become increasingly isolated this past year and frankly, they deserve a kitchen they love and could spend a lifetime in.

Me, on the other hand. I have a shoestring budget and want bright, efficient and WORKING. In 10 years when we sell and escape these taxes, someone can replace it all to their liking. We'll see what the bottom line ends up being....

addicted

Went for a run at the pond just now. It was humid and buggy, not refreshing conditions. But after a day of being couped up at home, I was happy Belac was sitting in the fresh air with his lego magazine. Jake moseyed around with a friend, mostly hiding in the bushes to spy on baby geese. I managed to run 3 miles  in 40 minutes with Belac counting down cheerfully each time I passed. Hi Mom!! 11 more laps to go!!!

The running is seriously life-changing and does wonders for me. One of the moms at class on Thursday looked me up and down and asked if I was dieting. I have taught 3 of her 4 kids and she's been coming to Mommy and Me for years. Oh no, I'm definitely eating! I laughed, but I did start running and unfortunately I have yet to lose a single pound! Well, I can definitely tell you're doing something. That was the nicest compliment. But I have to remember that the running mostly makes me feel good and the goal has mainly been to simply get stronger and healthier. Even with no weight loss, I'm addicted.

wanting summer!

Totally and utterly messed up today. Ended up in the guest room with Belac who was afraid of the thunder and lightening. Kept waiting to hear Jake stir, but thank god he did not. Let Jake sleep in after helping him with a writing project, late last night. Belac ordered to stay home by the doctor, playing with a new perplexus I had been hiding in a closet for weeks. He's limping in both legs still, but better. We also made a little video together.... The machine spilled coffee everywhere while I practiced. Only 3 hours later, I see what has happened but manage to get a cup out of what remains. Heat up in the microwave. Find it 30 minutes later in there, luke warm.

The house is disastrous. Take out, food stuff, and dirty dishes clutter the kitchen. A pool of coffee on an already dirty floor. Loads of laundry. Papers and papers cover the dining table. Belac and I still in pjs. My music for my performance next week, disastrous. Cancelled lessons that can't be made up next week because I'm out of town. 4 doctors appointments and 2 visits to the ER since Monday... it's what happens. I asked my sis to cancel her trip to NY tonight. Parents arrive Sunday to help while I'm gone. The most important thing is that Belac is fine. The boys are fine. But God! I can't wait until summer.

ER take 2

After spending 250, waiting 45 min for the ortho, seeing her for 15 minutes, we were told to go back to the ER. And so here we are.

Waiting

Had to carry Belac home from school this morning. He now has something going on in his other knee and can barely walk. Now at the medical center waiting, waiting, waiting. Seeing someone out of network and eating this bill, but I really don't care. I want someone to help us get to the bottom of this. The whole reason we ended up in the ER in the first place was because we couldn't get any ortho to see us right away. We should have done this days ago, this should have happened first. Our wonderful healthcare system in the US.

getting to 3

Watched hubby go through pants after pants the other morning. I think it's now safe to give away the rest of his big pants. His waist has lost more than 2" since 2 years ago. Even his new clothes from last year are not fitting properly. Nice problem to have....

Yesterday, I pushed myself to run 5.5/mph - my very top speed to maintain - but I couldn't get to 3 miles. Once I saw 30 minutes on the screen, I couldn't run another step. Today, I tried to trick myself. I walked half a mile first with the intention to run the 2-1/2, but again, I saw 30 minutes and just stopped. As long as I can't run a 10 minute mile, I'm realizing that 3 miles is just not going to happen on the treadmill, where I am constantly staring at the clock. The times I have run more and longer have all been outside, when the last thing I've wanted was to come inside and face my obligations.

I hope the weather warms up soon!

trip to the ER

Spent the better part of the afternoon/evening with Belac in the ER, yesterday. Sent by his pediatrician over his swollen knee filled with fluid. It wasn't exactly a terrible experience, but I wasn't happy either. We saw one blabbing resident after another over-eager resident at this teaching hospital and in the process, visited each horrible thing that could have caused this inflammation. Each resident loved to hypothesize and assumed we'd be spending the night after Belac's leg was drained. 7 hours later, the attending came to visit, looked over preliminary test results and was confident about Belac's knee healing on its own and sending us home. Unbelievable (and wonderful).

Is this the advantage of experience? Influencing better judgment and focus? The understanding that you don't have to meddle with every single thing? That not everything is doomed for a negative outcome?

I will write more about this experience some other time. However, I am exhausted and have catch up today. Lots of practicing for concerts next week.

Jake

Jake 4/2012

This is my sweet kid. I love everything about his self-portrait.