Rug

The interesting thing about this rug is that it is cheaper than FLOR tiles and it's washable. The top you see is attached by Velcro to the bottom mat, which sticks to the floor. When it becomes dirty you can throw it into the wash. Hubby wants a rug in his office. If this proves its worth, I will buy one. Pet proof and fully washable are prerequisites, these days.

pre-school

Why doesn't Belac get up at 6am, everyday? It's much less rushed. He ate a few pieces of challah and ramen as I quizzed him. I also told him what I thought would be the focus of the paragraph questions - women's rights and minority rights in the Progressive Era - and grilled and drilled him on being able to state 4 main developments in those areas and to recall at least one famous woman and one famous African American and what they did. Even if he is not the best at writing a narrative, recalling and stating the facts would give him credit.

And then his tooth kept bothering him and he wanted me to pull it. It was pretty loose. He tried himself. I tried to tie floss around it and it kept slipping. I tried several times with tweezers. I could not have even attempted this even a few years ago. He really wanted it out as it was distracting him from "everything" he told me. Get packed up and ready to go, and I will try once more, I instructed. And so there he was with winter jacket and backpack on with his mouth wide open. I just had to get one good grip and pull hard and fast. And in one last ditch effort, it came right out with a pop! YES! Belac told me, thanks mom!

So off he went with a paper towel in one hand and a huge slice of challah in the other.

Good morning!

Monday mourn

Saw hubby off at 5:15. We double-checked he left keys for the other cars, as he had rearranged them in advance of last night's snow fall, and he gave me my sister's house key. I kissed him good-bye and off he went into pitch blackness and heavy rain. I hate driving in this kind of rain, I told him, and I'm sorry you have to....

Now nursing a coffee and waiting on challah I've popped in the oven after letting the dough rise a 3rd time all night. Thank God the pup is just looking at me from the crate and not whining to come out. I would like the rain to lighten up a bit before needing to go out with her first thing.... And then there is Belac who asked to be woken 30 minutes earlier at 6am. He wants to review social studies with me, this morning, for his exam. Where did the wknd go?

Olivia and I talk this morning in advance of my Juilliard call. I need to tell her I won't be going back to Italy and don't want her to hear it from Michael, who I had to tell on Saturday having found out on Friday. I also don't want to jeapordize her own opportunity. She should definitely find another pianist and go with the tenor. I wish there were opportunity to bring her with me to Switzerland as she had brought me to Italy, but there isn't. This is her alma mater, too, but this is a teaching gig and the conversations with the director were entirely focused on my experience with the 10-18 age group and the nitty-gritty details on how I work with them and deal with certain challenges. Olivia doesn't have students or teaching experience.....

So off I go. In the pouring rain. With the pup. Ugh! It's Monday morning but it's okay. When I'm on top of things for the most part and as much as I can be, it's okay.

Contacts

Hubby and I are taking care of holiday cards and gifts. We signed cards from Shutterfly and he has 25 boxes of Zingerman's chocolate covered figs being delivered to DC, which he will hand deliver to each of his DC team members. And I have a list of 12 teachers I am buying Dunkin Donut gift cards for to put in the holiday cards. Compiling addresses of 165 people in all.

We don't normally do a mass mailing like this but it seemed right. He wants to forge good relationships with his new team, and also to keep contact with 40 others from his past employer.

And tonight, the father of Belac's friend offered to put hubby in touch with someone in his field in NYC. He already facilitated the introduction with this guy. You mean, I told hubby, you could not have to commute every week?? It's a conversation, but let's make it clear, hubby got excited talking about that bank, I consulted for them and they were complete assholes. Assholes! What I have is good, Gimky, they love me in DC. It would take A LOT for me to leave this gig.

Look at this Juilliard gig, it is all because of a few concerts I played with a singer. She pushed for me and told them I'd be "perfect" for what they needed. And thank goodness for the website I had just built, that supported I might be what they were looking for. Contacts are important. And so for many compelling and good reasons, we are sending 165 cards this year, up from zero after zero in previous years.

Hubby

Hubby up at 6 and roused Jake out of bed, and down he went to make Mac and cheese for him for breakfast. Jake has a track meet at the Armory today, and has made the Varsity team. I went out with the pup and then the 3 of us had the next 45 minutes in relative quiet together at the kitchen island.

"Thanks dad, for the food," I heard Jake say. Wait, wasn't I up with him, too? Making sure he was bringing his phone and charger, money, hwk, as I found snacks for him to pack and spooned more Mac and cheese into a thermos. But it's true, hubby had made breakfast and was now even driving him to school like a chauffeur, and it's all good. Hubby is gone during the week and it's important for Jake to realize and know that hubby is there for him, up for him, and thinking about him. Hubby gets up at 4am to drive to DC, tomorrow, and was tired this morning. He had every excuse to not get up and leave things to me, but pulled himself out of bed before me to take care of Jake.

Now hubby has returned to bed. I'm nursing my coffee and I heard from upstairs, are you coming back to bed? Come back to bed, I heard. Makes me laugh, it's so nice when hubby's home. Okay, back to bed.

Summer

 What a day.

He asked if I could leave Geneva a few days and come to Tuscany. I'm so sorry I can't! I told him. I hadn't asked and wasn't sure, but this was not how I wanted to start off a new relationship with Juilliard. I'm fully committed.There was no further discussion or offering of other dates and I did not suggest it. After all, the tenor is the big enchilada. He could easily bring his own pianist. But what would this mean for Olivia? Surely she could find another pianist and go and play...?

The Juilliard gig is valuable to me. I'm not an appendage to someone else. They want me there to teach and play. It would have been nice to play in Tuscany again and after the summer academy, but it's really okay. I am thrilled for a new experience and to be valued in a different sort of way!

Exhausted and off to bed.

Teary

Am I ever teary eyed. I have been invited to teach at my alma mater's summer music academy in Switzerland during the month of July. It's a huge deal for me. I gave birth to Jake just months before I received my doctorate. There were years I went into hiatus mode when Belac was young. Sometimes I did not feel like a musician and there were years I felt my Juilliard education was a waste. But I always played a little, taught a little, sort of made things up as I went along in a hodge podge way. Sometimes cursing as I went along that this was sort of as good as it was going to get, but I should be happy because I would never regret being with the kids and advocating for Belac and we were okay financially.... But here I am 46 years old and I somehow have gotten this gig! It's truly amazing that things have turned out the way they have. To quote my wise son Belac: Never give up.

biopsy

The hospital is hounding me about setting up a biopsy for my right breast, to the extent they sent me a piece of registered mail yesterday. I guess, now that everything is settled with our new insurance, I should go and get it done. But didn't they tell me at my ultrasound, required after my abnormal mammogram, that I "definitely" looked good? That we would just watch the spots? Doesn't the MRI I had, a procedure known for its false positives and finding cancer 'in situ,' resulting in premature and likely unnecessary treatment a little overboard? Really? I really need to go get this MRI led biopsy?

Ugh.

Everyone's hounding me about this biopsy. I know I should schedule this appointment. And also get some Xanax from my doctor.

cowboy boots

Dropped off my cowboy boots on my way home. After 20 years of regular wear, they are worn down to the inserts and obviously seep moisture through the holes in the thick leather soles. I've been pulling them on in this state for years and now I noticed the little nails are falling out. The Korean repair guy took a good look at my the boots, inside, out and all around. Wow, they don't make anything like this anymore...

I had bought these boots during a summer spent in Texas, when my chamber group travelled all over performing outreach concerts on a Juilliard grant. I had no business spending $115 on a pair of boots, especially back then, but am glad I did. I have pulled them on thousands of times since then.

They need new soles, the repair guy told me. I wasn't surprised. Do I need to send them someplace special? I can make you new ones, he assured me, it's expensive though. 50 dollars! Okay, I told him, thinking that's a very good deal, no problem. And I will buff them? Yes, I told him, that would be great.

Money well spent.

my style

Out of curiosity and because I hate shopping in person, I tried to sign up for a "bento box" of clothes. What did I need clothes for? Business casual, I chose. Out of these women, which did I admire most? It was a toss up between Tina Fey and Oprah Winfrey. How did I like my clothes? Tailored but not too tight. What was my age? Wow, I stopped for a moment, feeling bewildered at the truth. 46-50 range, I clicked. Everything was okay until I got to the average price tag per item: $125. No way! I closed the program and moved on.

To the Nordstrom's website I went. I need a sophisticated but casual dress for the holiday lunch this Saturday, dining with a dozen other opera people and donors of the Tuscany resort, and a dressier cocktail dress for hubby's work party. A thousand dresses I scrolled through and it was interesting what I chose. I like the simple look and being surprisingly very covered. Dark, it's forgiving after all. Both dresses are fitted, but have attitudes in understated ways. Little sister always wants me in color and gives me pieces I'd never buy, Olivia is always suggesting I go crazy. But this is being true to me in terms of comfort and style. And I think some things should just be left to the imagination in the end. Did I feel this way before I started teaching at Chabad 2 years ago...?? I mean, looking over my choices, I guess I am 46-50 after all! We'll see how these dresses fit...

Bed time routine

Gave Belac a shot and talked briefly with him when I went to kiss him good night. Mom, he told me, I'm stressed out because I want to do something with my life! It's been a while since I've followed my passion! I stroked his head. There's tomorrow, okay? You had a lot of work tonight.

Down I went to check on Jake, who was stroking Lulu on his lap and studying for a French test. He wanted me to quiz him. This kid who was recognized for excellence in world language, last semester. Is it on just the subjunctive or the entire chapter? I asked as I thumbed through his text. I'm not sure, he told me, so I studied the whole chapter. Why don't you know? Look at the website! Mom, I studied the whole thing, it doesn't matter... But it's late now, I told him. Either I just quiz you on the subjunctive and you go to bed or I quiz you on the whole chapter.... 

It's 10:45 now. He has to look over the websites to make sure his work is done. And I gave him permission to finish a video he was watching. He works so hard and I trust him more than I ever have. I am lucky that my boys really want to do the right thing. They are such good kids.

Lulu into the crate without any whining tonight. She's learning, too.

Off to bed. 

domestic life

Today is catch up day with phone calls and bills. Prepping for the special needs service and arranging buddies and food. Laundry. Organizing. Dog training... I have been up since 4:45am, when hubby leaves in a whirlwind for DC on Mondays. He never intends to wake me, but this is how Mondays are. Once he's up, I'm up. Now overseeing the installation of the patio door. The windows have been removed and now they are sawing into the wall. What a racket and dusty mess but it will be beautiful once done and give us easier access to the patio and yard.

This afternoon I am limo driver. Drop one child who is starting up karate, again, pick up the other at home to go the other direction to tennis, only to immediately return to pick up karate kid and drop off at home, then back to tennis and get other kid. That's 90 minutes of being in the car. And now 90 minutes to catch up with my family.... Hubby gave me a wireless earpiece and it has made my time in the car far more productive and I find myself calling my family more often. I learned this from Olivia, who calls her mom everyday on the way home from work. When she told me this, a year ago, I could not imagine myself calling my mom even once a week! But now since my mom and I adopted sibling dogs, it is the most natural thing in the world. This morning my mom and dad both called to share tips from the dog obedience class I signed them up for. I had sent them pictures of my pups and they had plenty to say. They sounded happy and I was thrilled they were taking this class together with Taka.

Also talked to the academy people. They were supposed to let me know last week. I didn't want to pressure them, but I am supposed to meet with the Italy owner this week end. If they could let me know if I should reserve my July for the academy that would be great.... Hubby thinks I may be a runner up and they are waiting to hear back from someone else. Anyway, better to know if not so I can throw myself into possibly going back to Italy again.

So hubby's off. He's just gone so much and last week was too long apart and made me irritated. How are you going to pullback if they get used to you being there like you are? If you don't HAVE to be there all 4 days, then maybe go down and work 2-3 days and spend the other days in Stamford... Or maybe go every other week Mon-Fri. But keep this schedule up and you'll never be able to reduce the days down there as everyone had agreed..!

Next week he won't go down until Tuesday. And on Wednesday the kids go to Lulu's so I can attend the company holiday party in DC and meet hubby's new bosses. Hubby felt it was important. Which reminds me, I have to figure out what to wear....

unreliable

A friend has proven to be utterly unreliable and I find myself drifting away from her. Basically, I have come to the conclusion that she is very disorganized and not accountable, though not doing this on purpose. But second, she is sort of full of shit about stuff. The more you talk a certain way about yourself, and in judgy ways with others, the more being insecure is the only reason to go on and on like that. If I have to hear about her having gone to an Ivy League (Barnard, is that an Ivy League?) or some status thing, one more time, I will scream. Was she always this way, and I'm just noticing? Or has something happened to her? And then there was other strange stuff she told me this summer.... for instance, that she believed in a former life that she was her ex-husband's wife's mother.... Um. That's just plain weird and if I ever believed such a thing, I wouldn't go admitting it to anyone.

And to be honest, I also don't exactly approve that she sent off her special needs daughter to a boarding school. I don't care that it cost $85,000 per year and it's highly regarded and that she will have other female peers, lacking here in our home district. I'm sure it's great in so many ways. But there are the emotional needs of kids and kids need their parents. Even if home is slightly dysfunctional, no one cares or suffers more about a child than their parent. And I think kids need to feel that, for better and worse. The only child of her mother who left her a huge Upper East side apartment, she bought herself a Volvo upon its sale, has been shopping at Bergdorf Goodmans and bought herself a new wardrobe, and is on schedule for doing a top to bottom reno of her house. Then has shipped her kid off to school, keeping her son at home. I sort of feel, if anything, she should have sent her son to a local private school since he has so much promise and great strengths, and yet who is not exactly thriving in our home district. Maybe the cash invest should have been on him.... I am her children's god parents, something she decided along with her mother before her death. But my friend never asked my opinion about her children and I said nothing.

She has sent a couple of emails lately, telling me she misses me. And yet I am not really in the mood to be all chummy. When our youngest ones were going to Hebrew School twice a week and he was at our house all of the time, it was fun and it was the kids who kept us together. Now, we don't have that but I also have good excuses. But the truth is, she's not my type to be too close with. Our values are dissimilar. And I am more a do-er, not a talker. And even me, a sociable person who can talk to a wall, I have become much more finicky about who I spend my time with. I want to be with people who are interesting and curious, creative, motivated to suffer and fix or see something through, and share their positive energy along the way. More and more this has become important to me.

In a few hours we go to dinner with old friends from White Plains. Also such a CHORE. Seriously, they are basically good and well intentioned people, but they just focus on themselves way too much and care too much about the most trivial of things. Why are we spending our time like this? But how many months can we keep nicely putting them off? hubby asked me back.

We meet up to keep the peace and honor the friendship and our kids' friendships. That's what we do. Tonight we leave all the kids at our house with pizza and snacks and plenty of games for a few hours. The boys love each other, have grown up with each other and they will have a great night. Knowing they will have a good night in store makes dinner out, even with sometimes hard to endure company, totally worth it.

Outstanding

I received a mailing from the high school, which I opened tonight. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Snowflake, Congratulations! Your child Jake Snowflake has been selected as the Outstanding World Language Student of the 1st quarter of the 2016-17 year...."

I had to laugh a little and we have to rejoice in this one immediately. He earned an incredible 96% in French, first quarter. But now has a new teacher and earned a 25/100 on his first in class assignment of 2nd quarter! Who knows what will happen with French, however there is no doubt he performed exceptionally well last quarter.

Good for him!

Loving Jake

Up until late with Jake who started weeping when I went in to kiss him goodnight.

He says he doesn't feel like I love him. I rolled my eyes in the dark and was so glad he couldn't see my face. And then I eventually laid down next to him. Back and forth we went about stuff and I could tell on the one hand it was good we were talking but on the other hand, it was late and we were both tired and we weren't going to resolve everything.

It's hard to parent a teenager. At one moment he doesn't need you at all and is very annoyed you could be babying them and not trusting him. And a split second later, he needs all the encouragement and loving in the world and how could you not be supporting me? Well something is very wrong if you don't feel I love you, I told him, because I love you so much and would do just about anything for you. You made me a mom, you know? And you have always been so cute and good natured, a very good kid, helpful and with that twinkle in your eye, and funny! I'm not funny, Jake interjected dryly. Oh yes you are, I disagreed, not only are you funny but dad and I can never help but laugh at your accompanying little cackle. I love you, sweetie pie and if you're not feeling it then I have to try harder to make sure you feel it, okay? You know, dad is gone and everything and so I have this whole ship to float when he's gone. Do you feel things are harder with him away? No. But I'm sorry you have to do everything.... Well, it's not undoable. Certainly it's not like dad and I are divorced, Ethan has it hard you know, with 2 parents in different places and his fighting parents, dad and I are still a team.... But anyway, I have a lot more on my plate with dad being away and you know, we need to be patient with each other. I will be more patient with you, but also be patient with me, okay?

I switched the topic to something else. It was now 11:30 and he was blowing his nose, and I did not want to be going on like this all night. I'm proud of him for telling me. I'd never have dared to embark on such a conversation with my own immigrant parents like this ever, much less when I was his age. But I also think it's a sign I am doing a good job for him to have wanted to talk to me and try to improve things. No drama, just a straight forward: "mom I don't feel like you love me." I mean, my first reaction was to want to laugh. He knows it's not true, but I also know what he's saying and am reading between the lines. He needs my loving attention and support. More than ever these days, I have to remember to take my drill Sargent hat off and show him my affection, interest and unconditional love.