Drinking a beer. Josh here with Belac to spend night. Jake and hubby on their way home from the gym. Earlier Sterling had driven by with his helper to see if his wheelchair could fit through our front door. Yes. And so he will come tomorrow to have coffee with me, discuss how to mentor the girl, and also have a pep talk with Belac over his bar mitzvah prep.
Belac had 7 vials of blood taken today and X-rays. He will go crazy to know that we have another doctor appt in the morning. And he will likely get just a little blood drawn again, though I'm going to ask the pediatrician if we can avoid it. What is he checking for that the recent 10 vials don't already have covered? I will fill him in on those test results before I find us a new pediatrician... I interviewed one, today, and looked into a new neurologist, too. I'm getting all of our ducks in a row.
Didn't get to the piano, today, but got much done. Jake saw someone about contacts, too. He's going to see so much better! Exhausted. Off to bed before everyone else.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Medical group
Slept in and feel much better. I chose those doctors and chose to pay. I should never tell any to F off. But I am not going down this path of $395 appointments, anymore. It's unsustainable. And plus it was stressing me out about what I was expecting these doctors to deliver at such a cost.
I like our pediatric cardiologist but he is not within our new Mount Kisco Medical Group I've chosen. When we left, yesterday, our new endo printed out a summary sheet for me with all the stats and recommendations. I had been scribbling the whole time, and she kept telling me I didn't have to do that, she'd give it to me. Instead of writing me out a prescription, she told me to just show up at the lab, it was all in the computer. And as long as we saw doctors within this network, she'd be able to retrieve Belac's medical info. Amazing. Do you know what it's been like for me to keep up with all the paperwork and relaying info myself about Belac's medical history? I just can't anymore as it's gotten more complicated, and now all of his doctors will be able to access his whole medical profile online.
So instead of hearing from me that Belac's bicuspid aortic valve is a symptomatic, a doctor will be able to look it up herself, read the fine print, and maybe see some pictures, too. This is the way it needs to be now, all the doctors in one network. Now looking for a new cardiologist, too.
I like our pediatric cardiologist but he is not within our new Mount Kisco Medical Group I've chosen. When we left, yesterday, our new endo printed out a summary sheet for me with all the stats and recommendations. I had been scribbling the whole time, and she kept telling me I didn't have to do that, she'd give it to me. Instead of writing me out a prescription, she told me to just show up at the lab, it was all in the computer. And as long as we saw doctors within this network, she'd be able to retrieve Belac's medical info. Amazing. Do you know what it's been like for me to keep up with all the paperwork and relaying info myself about Belac's medical history? I just can't anymore as it's gotten more complicated, and now all of his doctors will be able to access his whole medical profile online.
So instead of hearing from me that Belac's bicuspid aortic valve is a symptomatic, a doctor will be able to look it up herself, read the fine print, and maybe see some pictures, too. This is the way it needs to be now, all the doctors in one network. Now looking for a new cardiologist, too.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Blah blah blah
Wonderful review in the Boston Globe. Hopped in car to pick Jake up from tennis and zoomed north on the Saw Mill. Where in the hell was I going? To Boston? To the doctor's? Oh my God, not only was I not to be traveling this direction, I wasn't even supposed to be on this road. Today I got lost in Queens, and in doing so I realized the school was just around the corner from where I had visited Regina at hospice before she checked herself out. I brought her a brush there and watched her relish in brushing her own scalp. I am so up to my eyeballs I don't know if I'm coming or going. Everyday I'm grateful to keep my head above water.
I got Belac into see a gastroenterologist in a few weeks. The endo today could not believe we had not seen a gastro. No one had ever suggested it so how was I supposed to know? She spent an hour with us, examining Belac and going through medical records while we were with her colleague at Columbia Presbyterian. She also had diagrams to teach me about hormones and how they are checked in the body. The hour was worth every penny. A new pediatrician is going to call me, tomorrow. That he'd even be willing to be interviewed and takes insurance already works in his favor. I introduced myself as the parent of a kid with nuanced medical issues in need of someone to navigate and synthesize all the pieces. Next search will be for an insurance accepting neurologist and therapist. I am making sure that all of our new doctors will be part of this new medical group, where all the records are shared among all the doctors in this system, who all accept blue cross blue shield.
I don't even know how to end this entry. but I just am. Now. I'm happy for many reasons, but also tired and sad. Sad for Belac who sat with me after dinner and cried. Today I dropped off jakes friend from nursery school. I chatted with the mom and I caught her all up about Belac since September and was shocked she started weeping. I forgot how so hard it all sounds. I'm not crying anymore, I'm trying and fighting. Tomorrow he gets 6 vials of blood taken and it's okay, I reassured him. It will suck and hurt a little, but we are going to get to the bottom of this, Belac! If we want to figure this out, we're going to suck up and do what we need to do.
By the way. Fuck the doctors who don't take insurance. You're taking advantage of the most desperate who aren't millionaires.
Hubby watching Cat Concerto with the kids and I hear laughter. Earlier I heard him tell Belac how much he loved him and saw Jake leaning in on him with hubby's arm around him. We are okay and lucky. So lucky despite the heart ache.
I got Belac into see a gastroenterologist in a few weeks. The endo today could not believe we had not seen a gastro. No one had ever suggested it so how was I supposed to know? She spent an hour with us, examining Belac and going through medical records while we were with her colleague at Columbia Presbyterian. She also had diagrams to teach me about hormones and how they are checked in the body. The hour was worth every penny. A new pediatrician is going to call me, tomorrow. That he'd even be willing to be interviewed and takes insurance already works in his favor. I introduced myself as the parent of a kid with nuanced medical issues in need of someone to navigate and synthesize all the pieces. Next search will be for an insurance accepting neurologist and therapist. I am making sure that all of our new doctors will be part of this new medical group, where all the records are shared among all the doctors in this system, who all accept blue cross blue shield.
I don't even know how to end this entry. but I just am. Now. I'm happy for many reasons, but also tired and sad. Sad for Belac who sat with me after dinner and cried. Today I dropped off jakes friend from nursery school. I chatted with the mom and I caught her all up about Belac since September and was shocked she started weeping. I forgot how so hard it all sounds. I'm not crying anymore, I'm trying and fighting. Tomorrow he gets 6 vials of blood taken and it's okay, I reassured him. It will suck and hurt a little, but we are going to get to the bottom of this, Belac! If we want to figure this out, we're going to suck up and do what we need to do.
By the way. Fuck the doctors who don't take insurance. You're taking advantage of the most desperate who aren't millionaires.
Hubby watching Cat Concerto with the kids and I hear laughter. Earlier I heard him tell Belac how much he loved him and saw Jake leaning in on him with hubby's arm around him. We are okay and lucky. So lucky despite the heart ache.
stats
Crack of dawn rehearsal with Olivia. Appointment with new pediatric endocrinologist. And then had to deal with a sobbing boy, as she ordered new tests and X-rays. Blood, blood and more blood. That will be tomorrow morning. And also, when it can be scheduled, a 3 hour hormone test. He is on the cusp of puberty now, she measured his testes, and while certain hormones account for lack of height, the weight part is troubling. There is definitely something underlying about his weight and that cannot be accounted for in any of the tests and genetics. He is 54 lbs and 12 years old and not on the charts. Not even close. I have nursery school students who are as heavy as him. 3% for height. She urged us to see a GI and a nutritionist. Get the tests done and she will call either way. See her in 3 months with a plan. More appointments.
And now to Queens, where I'm coaching a chorus for a concert in a couple of weeks. Really?
And now to Queens, where I'm coaching a chorus for a concert in a couple of weeks. Really?
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Marathon
Home sweet home and happy to be in front of the fire with fam. Riding home, Hubby and I talked at length about stuff. Including my crazy idea that maybe we could move to Boston. Gimky, you are having a midlife crisis! You think? Well, you want to change everything about your life. But really? he inquired, give everything up and to move away from good friends? The kids starting over? I guess I should be happy you aren't running off with some new guy, he laughed. But I have a good idea for a midlife crisis for you: start training for a marathon. A marathon?? Me?? Well, half a marathon!
Lots of laughing. Maybe he's right.
Lots of laughing. Maybe he's right.
B&B
I prefer staying at a hotel over an airbnb or someone's house because when I'm away I just want to be somewhere clean and out of someone else's physical and emotional clutter. I remember when a visitor came by the house with a hill and commented 'you've already moved out.' There was barely anything in the house, true, but it was not so incredibly different from how we had begun to live. I liked it this way.
Backstage there was so much chit chat. My friend told me she wanted to throw her oboe out the NEC window and watch car after car run over it. Another talked about a dream he had to give up his MIT library job that he had simply for the benefits it offered, and open up a horn repair shop, though he didn't want to stop playing. And Gimky...? Don't get me started, I rolled my eyes, but I submitted 200 words, 199 to be exact. Some knew exactly what that meant, others did not and I explained. Oh my god, everyone of us here should enter! I urged. Maggie asked if I cooked. She offered to come make breakfasts at the inn and teach me how. I told Nan, you would need to help me take down wallpaper in a 6000 square feet house, then maybe you'd think twice about murdering that oboe.... I told all we'd have chamber concerts and huge bashes afterwards where everyone stayed. And then it was curtain call.
15 years I've had with these awesome musicians. But we could start a new chapter, couldn't we?
I'd peel up all the wallpaper, pull up all the rugs, make everything bright and cheery and clean and just get rid of all the prints and dowdy curtains and Grandma bedding. I'd build that concert hall out of the barn, pitch a huge tent with lights out back and there'd be music, food and dancing under the stars. I thought the place was far, though. Only 2 hours from Boston, Nan pointed out. That's all? In that case, I'd better win this thing!
Backstage there was so much chit chat. My friend told me she wanted to throw her oboe out the NEC window and watch car after car run over it. Another talked about a dream he had to give up his MIT library job that he had simply for the benefits it offered, and open up a horn repair shop, though he didn't want to stop playing. And Gimky...? Don't get me started, I rolled my eyes, but I submitted 200 words, 199 to be exact. Some knew exactly what that meant, others did not and I explained. Oh my god, everyone of us here should enter! I urged. Maggie asked if I cooked. She offered to come make breakfasts at the inn and teach me how. I told Nan, you would need to help me take down wallpaper in a 6000 square feet house, then maybe you'd think twice about murdering that oboe.... I told all we'd have chamber concerts and huge bashes afterwards where everyone stayed. And then it was curtain call.
15 years I've had with these awesome musicians. But we could start a new chapter, couldn't we?
I'd peel up all the wallpaper, pull up all the rugs, make everything bright and cheery and clean and just get rid of all the prints and dowdy curtains and Grandma bedding. I'd build that concert hall out of the barn, pitch a huge tent with lights out back and there'd be music, food and dancing under the stars. I thought the place was far, though. Only 2 hours from Boston, Nan pointed out. That's all? In that case, I'd better win this thing!
Reception
Eating a salad I picked up right before the grocery closed and sipping a glass of red. Kids about to go to bed after drawing and hanging, hubby finishing a movie. This suite is just so nice in letting us be home away from home. The singer and I received a standing ovation, tonight, and it was the only one of the evening. Unusual because we performed on the first half and in the middle, at that. The Crumb is a special kind of experience, but I wasn't thinking it was that kind of piece. But there they all were, over a hundred folks, up on their feet and I was just... very delightfully surprised.
I hugged the kids at intermission and sent them all off, they had done their duty.
Coming home hours later to their hugs, hubby told me, you really shouldn't quit the group. How about just less in Boston, next year? I could only shrug. It's ironic. The one year I really just want to bow out, I'm actually getting noticed and appreciated much more than usual.
It's 12:45am. The boys just all went to bed, with Belac wishing me good morning when I kissed him goodnight. I can't answer that question hubby again posed. Off to bed myself.
I hugged the kids at intermission and sent them all off, they had done their duty.
Coming home hours later to their hugs, hubby told me, you really shouldn't quit the group. How about just less in Boston, next year? I could only shrug. It's ironic. The one year I really just want to bow out, I'm actually getting noticed and appreciated much more than usual.
It's 12:45am. The boys just all went to bed, with Belac wishing me good morning when I kissed him goodnight. I can't answer that question hubby again posed. Off to bed myself.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Wknd
Studying my music in the bedroom. Hubby running. Jake watching a LIFE documentary next door and Belac drawing. Earlier the boys visited the Science Museum and I joined in on the IMAX movie Galapagos. Incredible. The lesson is that species evolve to better cope with their environment and to be more accommodatingly efficient. May my boys be able to do that.
Plus, spending the week end in retail centered Copley, may they not get sucked into cluttering up their lives with stuff and more stuff. Instead live light, be light. May you find your thrills in other ways.
Plus, spending the week end in retail centered Copley, may they not get sucked into cluttering up their lives with stuff and more stuff. Instead live light, be light. May you find your thrills in other ways.
Tick tock
Sitting on train with a family. A kid - probably 20 - talking to his visiting parents. One day soon this will be Jake. Hubby and I watched Jake with Belac, last night. He looks more and more like a man, everyday.
Meanwhile, I was alarmed within minutes of being reunited with Belac, last night. He has developed a tick that looks like an eye roll. It is really disturbing to me and I launched into German with worry with hubby.
What are you talking about? Are you talking about me? Belac, do you realize you're doing something with your eyes? Yes, I can't help it. How long has this been happening? I don't know. I don't want to talk about it, ok?
What are you talking about? Are you talking about me? Belac, do you realize you're doing something with your eyes? Yes, I can't help it. How long has this been happening? I don't know. I don't want to talk about it, ok?
No meds this wknd, I told him. It might be the new med, I told hubby.
We spent the rest of the evening listening to him chat happily and watching him snack, trying to be positive and upbeat and unaffected by this new development.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Friday!
I am the luckiest person ever! My dress rehearsals were great, a cinch compared to a few weeks ago. And on my walk to the hotel, dragging suitcase behind, I picked up snacks to greet the fam. Root beer, wine, chipotle peanuts, raspberries, dried mango and party mix. Got to the hotel where we've been upgraded to a Junior suite and now sitting on the windowsill, high up above Boston, sipping red and popping peanuts. The fam is about to start driving and will be here in a few.
It makes me so happy. Otherwise I'd be rushing home or yes, doing something 'for myself' yet wandering. Soo asked me the other day, do you ever just go away with hubby? Well you should. Maybe. But is it so wrong to like being with hubby AND the boys? Seriously, we know how to get our private time.... And before I know it (hopefully) the kiddies will be off doing their own thing. I don't need less time with them, it will happen soon enough.
Feeling so lucky at the moment. This is the life!
It makes me so happy. Otherwise I'd be rushing home or yes, doing something 'for myself' yet wandering. Soo asked me the other day, do you ever just go away with hubby? Well you should. Maybe. But is it so wrong to like being with hubby AND the boys? Seriously, we know how to get our private time.... And before I know it (hopefully) the kiddies will be off doing their own thing. I don't need less time with them, it will happen soon enough.
Feeling so lucky at the moment. This is the life!
Ridiculousness
I should have written in my essay that we'd renovate the barn and have poetry readings, music, exhibitions, films, beer tastings and all sorts of local events and all for the price of ordering a drink and lingering for as little and long as you wanted. What I intend is to build a community hang out, not unlike the Trident bookstore. Substantial but nothing at all hoity toity.
I know I'm being ridiculous. Do I really want to move there? What are the locals like year round? And that wallpaper and musty looking stuff all has to go! But i have followed this through. I'd supplement my income during the shoulder season with music classes and lessons. I'd send the kids to private school. I'd rent out our sunny Patch house at cost. We'd all work to run this Inn and get it to generate income and more. Maybe it's something Belac would be able to help run later. Hubby would do something new or work remotely out of the Boston office. I'd hire my cousin in South America to help, he is hurting for a reason and a way to return to the states. All the while we have money saved and a house and life to return to if it fails.
Why would I give everything up? Don't I love my life and the people in it? But sometimes you might get lucky and have a chance to change courses, right? Actually do and create something?
But first things first. I have to win the thing first.
I know I'm being ridiculous. Do I really want to move there? What are the locals like year round? And that wallpaper and musty looking stuff all has to go! But i have followed this through. I'd supplement my income during the shoulder season with music classes and lessons. I'd send the kids to private school. I'd rent out our sunny Patch house at cost. We'd all work to run this Inn and get it to generate income and more. Maybe it's something Belac would be able to help run later. Hubby would do something new or work remotely out of the Boston office. I'd hire my cousin in South America to help, he is hurting for a reason and a way to return to the states. All the while we have money saved and a house and life to return to if it fails.
Why would I give everything up? Don't I love my life and the people in it? But sometimes you might get lucky and have a chance to change courses, right? Actually do and create something?
But first things first. I have to win the thing first.
7:32
So I called back to wish everyone a good day (and check that Jake left, I didn't say.) Jakes just leaving now, hubby explained on speakerphone. Bye, Jake, have a good day! Thanks, I heard his happy voice from afar, and good luck on your Science test! Thanks, mom! Did you make a lunch? Yes. Ok good, have a good day, I love you! And then with our chorus of goodbyes, I knew he was off.
Went over the afternoon routine with Belac who is going later with Izzy to Kati's. Dog about to be picked up. Hubby soon off for work, though late. Everyone still alive without big incident. Amazing! And now I can be off on my day.
Went over the afternoon routine with Belac who is going later with Izzy to Kati's. Dog about to be picked up. Hubby soon off for work, though late. Everyone still alive without big incident. Amazing! And now I can be off on my day.
morning rush
I called to say hi. Jake was just out of the shower at 7:19 and coming down. Did he pack his lunch yet? Not sure. I was put on speakerphone. I kept my voice positive and light. They were already at least 10 minutes behind schedule. Hey Jake, have a good day! You have 10 min til you need to pack up and go. Eat a bagel, drink some milk and pack a Nutella sandwich for lunch, ok? I'm getting off the phone so you can do this quickly!
Have a good day!
Have a good day!
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Thoughts
I am positive that the Inn will not get 7500 entrants at $125 a piece. I dare anyone to sit down and scribble out a good 200 words and you'll realize how hard it is. Also to part with 125. It would be one thing if 200 words could win the place outright with no conditions. That you actually have to run the place for a year as a condition for getting the title. Well, that changes everything. I will be shocked if the woman gets a couple thousand entries.
Cuz is still out. He texted his wife to ask if I wanted to meet him for a drink. Nope, I dont. I'm tired. But also I didn't feel like showing and potentially having to spend any time with his girlfriend. Does my cousin's wife really not know? She has to be turning a blind eye on purpose.
wow am I tired. Stopping. Time for bed!
Cuz is still out. He texted his wife to ask if I wanted to meet him for a drink. Nope, I dont. I'm tired. But also I didn't feel like showing and potentially having to spend any time with his girlfriend. Does my cousin's wife really not know? She has to be turning a blind eye on purpose.
wow am I tired. Stopping. Time for bed!
maine
Something weird is going on at work, hubby texted, I wonder if we are being bought out. If we get acquired I will happily quit and try something else.
The country INN!! hubby!!!! Don't laugh! We are going to change the world! In Maine....
Hahaha!
The country INN!! hubby!!!! Don't laugh! We are going to change the world! In Maine....
Hahaha!
trident
I am dead. Walked in the rain to the Trident bookstore after back to back rehearsals. Now sitting at the bar with an Allagash white and an armful of books. I ordered a salad. I love this place. Everyone's nice and no one bothers me except to fill my glass. I always buy a book after I've spent a couple of hours here, it's the least i can do. Every bookstore should be like this. And open to midnight... I always know I can come here and have a good time. And also avoid getting to my cousin's too early.
Jake walked the dog and Belac to and from Hebrew school. He warmed up dinner for himself and Belac and has been studying for a huge science test tmw. Hubby just arrived home and verified that Jake did good. My little boy has really grown up and I am so proud of him.
What a relief. Now onto my books!
Jake walked the dog and Belac to and from Hebrew school. He warmed up dinner for himself and Belac and has been studying for a huge science test tmw. Hubby just arrived home and verified that Jake did good. My little boy has really grown up and I am so proud of him.
What a relief. Now onto my books!
early morn
when the kids came down, I went over the checklist for the afternoon into evening. The emergency phone numbers. Jake will really be in charge, walking the dog and Belac to and from Hebrew School, heating up dinner for both of them by microwave, homework, getting in pjs just as hubby arrives home. One of his bosses is having a small farewell dinner and hubby needs to make an appearance. I have Kati and Lulu checking in on the boys by phone and in person if necessary.
I returned from walking the dog to both kids and hubby eating. Thanks for walking the dog, mom, Belac told me. Dropping them off at school, hubby and I both got out of the car and hugged and kissed both kids. Our sweet kids.
Wee hours
Packing, xeroxing music and making coffee. I figure I can sleep on the train.
Being up at this hour and busy is definitely not. my. thing.
Being up at this hour and busy is definitely not. my. thing.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
boston
Was going to leave by car at 10am tmw. Then at dinner, hubby realized the kids would be on break nxt week and that Hebrew School and tennis weren't happening. Before we knew it, we discovered we could get a very cheap hotel rate right downtown over the wknd and the dog could go to friends. So I need to clean, pack myself and help get the kids' stuff packed before I leave tmw, now by early train. So up at 5am to get everything in order and the dog out for a good, long, hard walk.
So weird and nice that the family is coming to hear me play and driving out late Friday. 2nd concert in a row after like my 15 years there. Texted my cousin about our families meeting for dinner on Saturday night. You mean we are hearing that piece that goes heeeh huuunh? Jake asked. Yes, I laughed, that's what you're coming to hear!
So weird and nice that the family is coming to hear me play and driving out late Friday. 2nd concert in a row after like my 15 years there. Texted my cousin about our families meeting for dinner on Saturday night. You mean we are hearing that piece that goes heeeh huuunh? Jake asked. Yes, I laughed, that's what you're coming to hear!
Planning
Baking a large tray of chicken and roasted potatoes. Making a big pot of pasta with meat sauce. There will be plenty of food to reheat for bkfst, lunch and dinner for the next few days that I'm gone.
My boys are flying solo coming home from 2 school days til dinner. Tmw Jake has to bring Belac to and from Hebrew School (walking the dog at the same time) and they can heat up dinner in the microwave. Friday, Jake comes home himself but Belac goes with Kati so he can be driven to his film class. It's just a little too far for Jake to walk him if the weather is not great....
Both boys shower tonight so it's one less thing tmw. I'm having them set out their clothes for two days. Hubby will see them off Friday morn. Cc'ing each on a fresh group txt with me and Kati and making sure their phones are fully charged. The new thing will be packing lunch themselves the night before Friday. I've made a complete check list for them to follow. They've done all of it before but with supervision.
The boys are really growing up and I'm so proud.
My boys are flying solo coming home from 2 school days til dinner. Tmw Jake has to bring Belac to and from Hebrew School (walking the dog at the same time) and they can heat up dinner in the microwave. Friday, Jake comes home himself but Belac goes with Kati so he can be driven to his film class. It's just a little too far for Jake to walk him if the weather is not great....
Both boys shower tonight so it's one less thing tmw. I'm having them set out their clothes for two days. Hubby will see them off Friday morn. Cc'ing each on a fresh group txt with me and Kati and making sure their phones are fully charged. The new thing will be packing lunch themselves the night before Friday. I've made a complete check list for them to follow. They've done all of it before but with supervision.
The boys are really growing up and I'm so proud.
Debussy, Dvorak and Gershwin
Wow, is Olivia ever good! You know it's been 20 years since we played this Debussy, right? she proclaimed with violin under chin. No way! I counted, it's been 19.... Okay, she shrugged, we're going to have to play our 20th next year. And then with a little cue, we began.
I think we play better than we ever did back then. We are seasoned and efficient at rehearsing and just play with a certain confidence, maybe she always did but I can feel it from myself. It was very free, fantasy like, big at times, whimsical, beautiful - even if I must say so myself, but this is a program that suits both of us. We are very good partners at this, like really good. Hard to believe that we could just pick up where we left off, almost 20 years ago. Three hours later, we are in good shape.
It was so fun. And she is such a good friend. Happy day!
I think we play better than we ever did back then. We are seasoned and efficient at rehearsing and just play with a certain confidence, maybe she always did but I can feel it from myself. It was very free, fantasy like, big at times, whimsical, beautiful - even if I must say so myself, but this is a program that suits both of us. We are very good partners at this, like really good. Hard to believe that we could just pick up where we left off, almost 20 years ago. Three hours later, we are in good shape.
It was so fun. And she is such a good friend. Happy day!
hurry up!
I gritted my teeth and sighed audibly. Hurry up and show me! I pulled off his sock, impatiently. It burns, the palm of my foot, he said. I massaged it and he pulled his sock back on. Guys! I'm not going to be here for two days! What are you going to do? All this prodding from me to get out of the house!! All morning, I've said hurry a hundred times!!
I grabbed the keys to the car, Jake was already in the front seat.
Mom! MOM! Belac was pulling on his coat and weeping. You have to listen to me, okay? Because I'm your son. I stopped, this was not good. Mom, when something is wrong you have to listen to me okay? And also, I want to help myself but sometimes YOU JUST DO IT FOR ME!! EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF!
I hugged him. You're right. And part of it is because I'm trying to rush you along because I don't want you to be late. I need you to move faster. If your foot is hurting you, you need to tell me earlier when we aren't late and running out the door. But better to tell me when you can.... Mom, it just started hurting, RIGHT NOW!! Okay, I'm glad you told me.... If it keeps hurting you, you'll go to the nurse's office, okay?
I could see him getting himself together. I hugged him some more. I love you and you're right about what you said. I know you want to do a lot of things yourself and I should let you. Are you ready? Let's go!
I grabbed the keys to the car, Jake was already in the front seat.
Mom! MOM! Belac was pulling on his coat and weeping. You have to listen to me, okay? Because I'm your son. I stopped, this was not good. Mom, when something is wrong you have to listen to me okay? And also, I want to help myself but sometimes YOU JUST DO IT FOR ME!! EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF!
I hugged him. You're right. And part of it is because I'm trying to rush you along because I don't want you to be late. I need you to move faster. If your foot is hurting you, you need to tell me earlier when we aren't late and running out the door. But better to tell me when you can.... Mom, it just started hurting, RIGHT NOW!! Okay, I'm glad you told me.... If it keeps hurting you, you'll go to the nurse's office, okay?
I could see him getting himself together. I hugged him some more. I love you and you're right about what you said. I know you want to do a lot of things yourself and I should let you. Are you ready? Let's go!
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
sep
I had been drooling over a Room and Board couch all year. Our couch in the family room is ripped in places and in sorry shape. It sort of smells and offers no support. I thought it was time. But after months of not pulling the trigger and hubby showing me our spreadsheet, I marched into Citibank and asked how much I could contribute to my SEP account. It was still possible to contribute to 2014. In one clean sweep I transfered the maximum amount for 2014 and 2015 from my business account. The couch went poof in an instant, but you know what? I was happy and relieved. It was the right thing to do.
essay
The problem is, the entries all end up being someone else's property. And you give permission to disclose your name even if you don't win. So the letter I wanted to write– and initially wrote - is not the letter I am sending. The better one was more specific about Belac in particular and personal, but not the details I wanted everyone to know. What I submit is the best I could do. I stuck a flower sticker on a piece of paper and used a fine sharpie pen. It's another nice letter among thousands similar that will arrive to this woman's doorstep. But what a great exercise to boil a desire down to less than 200 words!
Tomorrow I send this thing off with a kiss and a check. Not holding my breath and moving onto the next new thing.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sarah
Spoke to the caseworker, today. There was plenty he couldn't tell me, but I found out she is 18 and has been at the residential school for 'a long time.' Since 9 years old to be precise. She was abused by her parents. Her sister was adopted, but she was not and so she remained with the state. She had no one that visited her. Every few months, the school would bring her halfway to Albany, and she and her sister would meet for lunch. Her future is either someone adopting her, or more realistically adult residential housing upstate at 21.
I just need to ask one thing, is she violent? No, not all. She is cognitively impaired and has emotional issues, in part because of her history.
Do you think she'd want to have lunch every now and again...? I'd pick her up, we'd eat in town and I'd bring her back. Oh, she would like that I'm sure, I heard him stumble over some words, was he emotional? Having someone from outside to spend time with, the other girls have family, it just would mean so much. I'm at home and not in my office, so I don't have the clearance forms to send just now, they will take time to process, we should start right away.... I really didn't know what you wanted...
I just want to help this girl. I saw she was kind and sweet to her friends. When I overheard she didn't have parents and I'm just around the corner, well, that was... I just wondered how anyone could help. I can certainly take her to lunch, now and then.
Thank you, this is huge.
9 years and she never had an outside visitor to bring her a gift or take her to a meal. No family but a sister she can't see often. It's the saddest thing ever.
I just need to ask one thing, is she violent? No, not all. She is cognitively impaired and has emotional issues, in part because of her history.
Do you think she'd want to have lunch every now and again...? I'd pick her up, we'd eat in town and I'd bring her back. Oh, she would like that I'm sure, I heard him stumble over some words, was he emotional? Having someone from outside to spend time with, the other girls have family, it just would mean so much. I'm at home and not in my office, so I don't have the clearance forms to send just now, they will take time to process, we should start right away.... I really didn't know what you wanted...
I just want to help this girl. I saw she was kind and sweet to her friends. When I overheard she didn't have parents and I'm just around the corner, well, that was... I just wondered how anyone could help. I can certainly take her to lunch, now and then.
Thank you, this is huge.
9 years and she never had an outside visitor to bring her a gift or take her to a meal. No family but a sister she can't see often. It's the saddest thing ever.
surprisingly painless
It's 3pm. The classes were good. Rehearsal was good, and I was able to cram an hour of practice in. The house is clean. Kids just arrived home, and there is no after school today so no rush with homework. There's a gazillion loads of laundry to run and dinner to make, but that's nothing. This day I dreaded actually turned out okay. What a relief.
Monday blues
I'm dragging my feet. I should have practiced more for today. I got distracted by perfecting my 200 words. Eating. Hanging out late with people at the rabbi audition. Writing emails. Reading. And now it's today. And I have to teach. And rehearse. The whole usual rigamorole and I just want to get back under the covers. I am exhausted and can barely wait to be in tshirt and flip flops. But off I go like I'm supposed to.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
animated
Cooking with spatula in one hand and reading with the other. 'Life, Animated.' What amazing writing, and a gripping take on autism. Reading just the Author's Note, I was already hooked! This guy can write.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
197 words
So maybe I am crazy. I wrote 197 words on why I want to own and operate a country inn. I think it's a compelling idea I can carry out. I also ordered a handmade charm on etsy to glue to a clip, that will 'securely' attach check and application form to my 197 words. I also wrote to a local woman, someone who makes beautiful stationary. Last year I bought these cards with a simple and beautiful hand drawn something on top from a holiday fair. Could she print up the same thing for me on beautiful card stock but on the pre-requisite white colored 8-1/2 by 11 size?
Yes, I'm going all out. I want to do something amazing with this Inn.
Friday night
You're entering a writing contest? Yes, I laughed. And this bed and breakfast is where? In Maine, and if I win it we're going to -- paS auf!! hubby warned, laughing. Are you going to win? No! hubby answered for me. What?! I was now half pretending to be indignant, you never know! I'm going to try and I'm certainly thinking I have a chance. Hubby was back at the table and had arm around Jake. There are 7500 applicants and only one entry will win, and that entrant needs to be vetted. I don't believe every entry will even be read! But I like the way mom is thinking about this and trying, even when the odds are heavily against her. Mom's right, it's always good to try!
Which makes me think that I should send my entry this week, I continued, find good paper and hand write this thing, so at least I'm sure my 200 words are read. What I send now or in 3 months will be the same, I'd better send mine before the avalanche of submissions! Gimky, you'd better send it tomorrow!! hubby jokingly prodded. I just might, ok? You just wait and see what happens!! Someone has to win, why can't it be me? You never know and you just might be eating your words!! Hubby turned to Jake, Mom's right.
We all ended up in front of the fire. Kids playing an old Nintendo DS they dug up after a few years. Screaming and laughing as they competed against each other. I was curled up under blanket with head in hubby's lap. Talking about all sorts of things but mostly Kiki and Robin. For all of their good faces, we did agree that neither of us really thinks they will make it. He was the one that had the affair, but she doesn't respect him, we tend to see, might not even love him despite what she claims.
I felt hubby shaking me, let's go to bed! Cmon guys, I heard hubby prod, it's time for bed!!
The perfect night.
Which makes me think that I should send my entry this week, I continued, find good paper and hand write this thing, so at least I'm sure my 200 words are read. What I send now or in 3 months will be the same, I'd better send mine before the avalanche of submissions! Gimky, you'd better send it tomorrow!! hubby jokingly prodded. I just might, ok? You just wait and see what happens!! Someone has to win, why can't it be me? You never know and you just might be eating your words!! Hubby turned to Jake, Mom's right.
We all ended up in front of the fire. Kids playing an old Nintendo DS they dug up after a few years. Screaming and laughing as they competed against each other. I was curled up under blanket with head in hubby's lap. Talking about all sorts of things but mostly Kiki and Robin. For all of their good faces, we did agree that neither of us really thinks they will make it. He was the one that had the affair, but she doesn't respect him, we tend to see, might not even love him despite what she claims.
I felt hubby shaking me, let's go to bed! Cmon guys, I heard hubby prod, it's time for bed!!
The perfect night.
Friday, March 20, 2015
chilling
Prepping a special dinner, thumbing my nose at the snow on this first day of spring. Corned beef has been simmering for 2 hours and I'm over frying turkey bacon for a Brussels sprout raisin recipe. Roasting some potatoes and garlic.
We have to be nowhere until 10am tomorrow and I'm already starting to chill.
Shabbat Shalom!
Staying local
It was strange to me that this small group of strangers would be coming to hear me play. And after years of friends asking to hear me play locally, I finally had just the perfect concert for them. Me and my great violinist friend over 30 minutes of delicious music in a nearby, pretty hall. Olivia, I have at least 30 people coming, okay? Invite the town!! She exclaimed.
My family and friends rarely hear me in Boston, and the stuff I do around here either doesn't reflect what I really do best or is just too heavy or weird or hard to invite people to. Kiki had asked about what I could start up. I was very skeptical to the point of telling her it was impossible.
Leaving the beautiful, bright building that houses my nursery school in Greenwich, today, someone in the elevator asked, do you hook speakers up to your keyboard? I am a spectacle with my suitcases and bags of instruments, piano and violin on my back. I can barely fit through doors and it invites conversations and unrelenting offers to help me. The guy and I talked about it and he rode with me to the garage to finish our conversation. He wanted to make a music room in the building, pointing out that they were heavy on the athletics but not music and culture in the building. What kind of music room? I told him I noticed they have a beautiful piano upstairs. I also mentioned how Lucy Moses, the 92nd St Y and the JCC on the UWS rent out pianos and rooms and/or have concert series. How I thought this facility could do this and that educationally after nursery school and after school. He had a lot of questions and it was interesting to be thinking this way.
What is your role here? He was director of the place! I am here every Friday, I told him, and if you need any help with ideas or setting up the room, just come by and ask. We exchanged cards. We had the same last name! Taiwanese? Taiwanese. He came as a 2 year old and grew up in Queens, I was born in the Bronx. His Taiwanese was terrible he told me, just as I was about to switch languages. By the way, I asked before saying good bye, do you ever have concerts here? No, he told me, but it's something we'd love to happen.
Did something just fall into my lap? It sort of feels like something just did. You can bet I'm going to follow up with this guy. I want and need more compelling reasons to be local and am very motivated. I want to give up Boston and not have regrets.
Making those business cards was one of the best things I ever did.
My family and friends rarely hear me in Boston, and the stuff I do around here either doesn't reflect what I really do best or is just too heavy or weird or hard to invite people to. Kiki had asked about what I could start up. I was very skeptical to the point of telling her it was impossible.
Leaving the beautiful, bright building that houses my nursery school in Greenwich, today, someone in the elevator asked, do you hook speakers up to your keyboard? I am a spectacle with my suitcases and bags of instruments, piano and violin on my back. I can barely fit through doors and it invites conversations and unrelenting offers to help me. The guy and I talked about it and he rode with me to the garage to finish our conversation. He wanted to make a music room in the building, pointing out that they were heavy on the athletics but not music and culture in the building. What kind of music room? I told him I noticed they have a beautiful piano upstairs. I also mentioned how Lucy Moses, the 92nd St Y and the JCC on the UWS rent out pianos and rooms and/or have concert series. How I thought this facility could do this and that educationally after nursery school and after school. He had a lot of questions and it was interesting to be thinking this way.
What is your role here? He was director of the place! I am here every Friday, I told him, and if you need any help with ideas or setting up the room, just come by and ask. We exchanged cards. We had the same last name! Taiwanese? Taiwanese. He came as a 2 year old and grew up in Queens, I was born in the Bronx. His Taiwanese was terrible he told me, just as I was about to switch languages. By the way, I asked before saying good bye, do you ever have concerts here? No, he told me, but it's something we'd love to happen.
Did something just fall into my lap? It sort of feels like something just did. You can bet I'm going to follow up with this guy. I want and need more compelling reasons to be local and am very motivated. I want to give up Boston and not have regrets.
Making those business cards was one of the best things I ever did.
plans
Summer project:
Rip up the disgusting carpet in the family room. Get rid of most of the toys the boys don't play with. So far nothing major to discuss with hubby. But the room is a fridge because the radiators don't work. It's a concrete slab that used to be a garage and there was some finessing to get pipes in there, but the room is basically not heated. We always shut that door to help maintain warmth in the house. I want to get rid of the radiators and put down a heated floor under some sort of tile. How much would that be? I also hate the red and want orange or some happy color in there.
Belac and I also discussed his room. He wants to make it look like an 'older kid' lives there. We are disassembling some Lego creations and getting rid of furniture to paint a bright blue chalkboard wall. Also plan to paint our guest room dark grey and lay white carpet tile.
You know I must be crazed in other ways to be dreaming about home improvement projects again. Can't wait til summer when I will have tomatoes and beans and other homebody diversions.
Early dismissal
10:30am early dismissal over impending weather. That's a little much don't you think? Basically 2 hours of school? You couldn't keep them til lunch? Why bother going to school?
Lucky the kids walk. Lucky the kids continue to become more reliable and mature. I work until 1 in Greenwich, today, where there is no change of schedule. Tthen rehearse with Olivia, who I'm certain is not canceling. That kids can get themselves home and let themselves in, make themselves a snack... These are good things. But I'm going to have to lay down the law about computer usage.
I want to get to tonight. Sit by the fire with a bag of chips and a glass of wine. I just need some nothing time.
Lucky the kids walk. Lucky the kids continue to become more reliable and mature. I work until 1 in Greenwich, today, where there is no change of schedule. Tthen rehearse with Olivia, who I'm certain is not canceling. That kids can get themselves home and let themselves in, make themselves a snack... These are good things. But I'm going to have to lay down the law about computer usage.
I want to get to tonight. Sit by the fire with a bag of chips and a glass of wine. I just need some nothing time.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Seder
It's 1010pm and just got home. What an evening! I played both piano and violin for a women's seder tonight. 110 women, readings, dancing, music, and yoga over dinner. I ended up giving a dozen cards away and everyone at my table promised to come to my concert with Olivia in a few weeks. I knew no one except the Rabbi who arranged the event, we sit on a special needs committee together, but I had a good time. I am a very social creature at heart.
The boys saved me a fortune cookie. They ordered Chinese in tonight. I understand that none of their fortunes made any sense. Mine reads: A ship in harbor remains safe, but that's not why ships are built.
I'll take that. Mine's good.
The boys saved me a fortune cookie. They ordered Chinese in tonight. I understand that none of their fortunes made any sense. Mine reads: A ship in harbor remains safe, but that's not why ships are built.
I'll take that. Mine's good.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Taking stock
Wow. At 7:41pm tonight hubby was assigned to help 2 committees evaluate different departments of his company. It's an indication that the company is again going to reorganize and possibly downsize. And the startling thing? His direct boss in finance was not cc'ed. This is - when it boils down to it - all about efficiency and a finance matter, after all. There were 6 others at his boss' level, 3 others at hubby's level and 3 others at the very, very top, all charged with studying and reporting back on every department of the office. Is his boss' job at risk? He is going to freak out to know he isn't part of this process, hubby told me.
What this means is anyone's guess. Hubby wonders, are they planning to let his boss go? His boss should have been on this short list, not just hubby.
What this means is anyone's guess. Hubby wonders, are they planning to let his boss go? His boss should have been on this short list, not just hubby.
let's do the right thing
Dear 26 Board Members, Involved Congregants and Friends,
Looking forward to meeting the new candidates in the next weeks! Thank you so much to the committee for introducing us.
I know this might be more than anyone can think about or arrange at the moment, or perhaps there is a plan that I am unaware of, but I am wondering about an appropriate thank you and send off for the Rabbi before his contract expires. I am happy to arrange something but am unsure of what is feasible given the delicate circumstances of his departure. Still, I feel it's very important that the congregation has a more formal or organized opportunity to express their love and thanks to the Rabbi.
If I am not mistaken, the Rabbi's last shabbat services will be June 26/27 after school lets out. I personally will not be there and recognize that other families with kids might already be off to summer commitments.
So just wondering if anyone has thoughts or ideas of what we could do. I also thought that if an 'event' were not possible, that I could organize and gather from each family a thank you/story/memory/photo in a book to present to him as a montage of his many years with us.
Hope everyone is well and you'll let me know what you think!
Gimky
being brave
There is a part of me who wants to fire all of Belac's doctors and start again.
And who would I keep? The pediatric cardio, for one. I am hopeful about the new pediatric endocrinologist, too. And though I like the ENT practice from yesterday, they do not specialize in pediatrics and my father urges me to find a great one who works only with kids. That and a pediatrician and an immunologist. Makes sense.
I spent 395 on a visit to the neurologist, today. He was 10 minutes late and we were done 10 minutes early. Stuff like that stresses me out. I wonder if what it is we are getting is truly better than what we'd get from someone who takes insurance. I wonder if my bill should have been prorated for every minute he didn't give us. Someone told me the other day that the best doctors don't take insurance. Really? Or are they just more business savvy?
Belac told me as we entered the med center, mom I'm so scared! It's okay I reassured him. We stopped at the cafe and at first he refused a Danish or a juice, stressed about having to eat and drink it all. Don't worry, I will help you, but let's just put a little more cream on your arm and let it work while we snack....
And still later as we left, Belac told me that he wished everyone would treat him like he was older. And that he wasn't really brave because he had been so scared. Belac, listen to me! People are treating you like they care and I am treating you like I love you. There is a difference between treating you like a baby and treating you like I care. I'm treating you like I care. And the other thing, is that its okay and normal to be scared. But the most important thing is that you do what you need to do even if you are scared. That's what you did, you walked in the room yourself and stuck your arm out, even if you were totally stressed out and upset. That was brave of you and I'm so proud of you.
Okay, thanks mom.
I would do anything to just hug and kiss him all better.
jake
I cut and cored an apple and then put it together again and wrapped it in Saran Wrap. Jake wanted it just so for his apple eating contest at lunch. I listened to him talk about his teacher who had just had a baby, a boy at 12:10 in the morning. We talked about the ob/gyn schedule. About why Belac is sleeping in. And why not, about these extra vitamins I was now giving him, along with Belac? Can't hurt. Vitamin D, zinc and magnesium.
How are you doing in school? I asked him, have you looked at the parent portal lately? High 80s he told me. And if you want to push those grades higher? It's the tests, the tests get me. Ok, I said, just keep trying! I haven't had time to oversee you, so it's all you now! Show yourself and me what you can do! He nodded and I watched him run off to school.
Since Thanksgiving he's now taller than me, hubby, and now my father. My back is turned and he is blossoming and growing.
How are you doing in school? I asked him, have you looked at the parent portal lately? High 80s he told me. And if you want to push those grades higher? It's the tests, the tests get me. Ok, I said, just keep trying! I haven't had time to oversee you, so it's all you now! Show yourself and me what you can do! He nodded and I watched him run off to school.
Since Thanksgiving he's now taller than me, hubby, and now my father. My back is turned and he is blossoming and growing.
Windy
I don't concentrate, Belac told hubby and me in explaining why he doesn't like school, and I'm stupid. You aren't stupid at all! And about concentration, that's why we are seeing Dr. Ashton, tmw. He needs to give you a new pill. He told us before he'd help us with your concentration so we really need to talk to him....
Hubby off at 6:30 to work. Belac sleeping in. Me making fried rice for kids' breakfast and lunch. Kati wrote this morning, you want me to go with you to the lab?
I hate the sight of blood. Belac is anxious about needles and went over and over with me what it would feel like, with me and himself pinching his arm. He really needs to get the bloodwork done with or it will continue preoccupying him to tears. After all these years, I think I've gotten okay about it and dealing with both his and my stress, and since its a logistically complicated morning, I think. Let's just keep it simple. We will get through it ourselves.
This Crumb piece? And now a rehearsal with Olivia this week? At least her rep is tonal and mostly stuff I've played. But I just don't have the time or the emotional mindset to practice properly! I am more than preoccupied.
I am overwhelmed.
Hubby off at 6:30 to work. Belac sleeping in. Me making fried rice for kids' breakfast and lunch. Kati wrote this morning, you want me to go with you to the lab?
I hate the sight of blood. Belac is anxious about needles and went over and over with me what it would feel like, with me and himself pinching his arm. He really needs to get the bloodwork done with or it will continue preoccupying him to tears. After all these years, I think I've gotten okay about it and dealing with both his and my stress, and since its a logistically complicated morning, I think. Let's just keep it simple. We will get through it ourselves.
This Crumb piece? And now a rehearsal with Olivia this week? At least her rep is tonal and mostly stuff I've played. But I just don't have the time or the emotional mindset to practice properly! I am more than preoccupied.
I am overwhelmed.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
dr. dad
Important to find a new pediatrician who is going to oversee Belac. Very important to see a pediatric immunologist, right away. My dad feels this is beyond the scope of the ENT. And extremely important to be at a teaching hospital, where patients and cases are generally seen by many eyes and there are rigorous protocols. Do not go to a private practice.
Ok. I hear everything and will do.
Ok. I hear everything and will do.
Tying up the day
did my duty, helped tune 5 grades, accompanied and chatted up with the teachers. let Belac leave the concert early after we were both done. He is stressed out about hwk. Came home to dog shit and a puddle of pee on the rug. Ugh. The dog has been neglected all day. Hubby on his way home, stopping to pick up Jake from tennis, and then has a conference call at 8:30 pm so straight to the office. 'I haven't had a moment all day...!' he pointed out, this after leaving before 7 this morning.
I just popped open a beer and heating up a pizza. And now will help Belac with reading. And handed him zinc and magnesium, vitamin D and a melatonin. He's worried about all the blood they'll take tmw, and before I go to bed I need to find that prescription tube of anesthetic from the last time. I need his body and health to be on his side. Is that too much to ask? He has enough other stuff on his plate.
more tests
Relapsing polycondritus and a mouth all torn up. Two ENTs were with us 45 minutes, both looking and discussing. For years, I was giving Belac a cold compress for his ear, his pediatrician thought nothing of it. Now suspecting and looking for an underlying immune problem. Tomorrow we get blood work checking on globulins, reactive protein and rheumatoid factors. In two weeks we see a new endocrinologist and driving home, I realize we need a new pediatrician.
An ENT here, neurologist here, cardio there, endo somewhere else.... They are all islands unto themselves, how can they work properly if they don't communicate? Could any of today be related to his growth problems? What if everything is intertwined? He is one whole child after all. I need someone actively looking at my whole child, and it can't be just me. It's time for yet a new doctor, a pediatrician.
I feel bad for Belac. Why can't I take on some of this for him?
And the prescription I filled on the way home? 52 dollars and not even partially covered by insurance. WTF? You'd think we had just basic insurance.
An ENT here, neurologist here, cardio there, endo somewhere else.... They are all islands unto themselves, how can they work properly if they don't communicate? Could any of today be related to his growth problems? What if everything is intertwined? He is one whole child after all. I need someone actively looking at my whole child, and it can't be just me. It's time for yet a new doctor, a pediatrician.
I feel bad for Belac. Why can't I take on some of this for him?
And the prescription I filled on the way home? 52 dollars and not even partially covered by insurance. WTF? You'd think we had just basic insurance.
Try
Mom, Belac approached me at the piano in the orchestra room, I'm really stressed out! You're a music teacher but I'm the worst one here!
Ugh.
Belac, we need to work together more often, okay? I haven't been good about practicing with you, and the next concert will be better okay? I squeezed his arm discretely. Now go back to your chair and just try your best. I'm really proud of you for trying!
Okay, thanks mom.
Ugh.
Belac, we need to work together more often, okay? I haven't been good about practicing with you, and the next concert will be better okay? I squeezed his arm discretely. Now go back to your chair and just try your best. I'm really proud of you for trying!
Okay, thanks mom.
Dreary
Pretty please let all the rain melt the drifts on my drive. The other day I made a dent on the side of the car, pulling out of the garage and maneuvering to get out of the tight spot because of the icy drifts forming a very narrow path.
It's 7:24am and I can't wait for this day to be over already. Accompanying another school orchestra concert. Definitely not 'for me.'
It's 7:24am and I can't wait for this day to be over already. Accompanying another school orchestra concert. Definitely not 'for me.'
Monday, March 16, 2015
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a longer than 12 hour day that starts with a dress rehearsal at the school at 7:45am and ends with an evening school concert I'm accompanying. Throw in any news from the ENT consult and there is real possibility of my becoming unhinged. Even after this crazy Crumb piece I'm rehearsing earlier in the day, which I can't believe I'm performing in Boston in less than 2 weeks.
My friends tell me I have to continue doing things for myself. But what is 'for myself'? Getting a cookie and coffee in town was for myself, pulling out my wallet over a book I grabbed off the shelf was also 'for myself.' But the lessons, the chamber group, to which they are more referring to... how is this all 'for myself'? You mean something that doesn't have to do with my family? Something I'd need to do were it not for my family?
Hubby joked with our friends and me that I was possibly suffering a midlife crisis. Maybe. But I also think that would be great if that's all it was.
Les, the guy who dropped dead this week. He ran 23 marathons. He was a cardio. Then a writer. An expert in everything, including tattoos, ortho issues, and then supported an Olympic team by being their doctor at Lake Placid. Took his kids and grandkids, individually, all around the world. Taught them that whoever they were talking to deserved the kind of attention like they were the most important and only thing in the world. He cared nothing about status and hated large groups. There was a big event we both attended once, and I think we spent 45 minutes together just talking about stuff, away from the crowd.
Maybe I need a hobby. Maybe I need to start running again. But maybe I just want to do something that really matters. My kids matter, that's why I want to be home. But what else? I want to take them on a ride. Growing up, I would have appreciated seeing in a crystal ball that my life turned out pretty well and stable at age 45, but what now? I can't continue on like this for the rest of my life, can I?
They make doing something 'for yourself' such a noble thing and something I'm doing, which supposedly makes it so hard. But maybe it's because I never dared to get off the bandwagon that carried me away. Ever think of that?
They make doing something 'for yourself' such a noble thing and something I'm doing, which supposedly makes it so hard. But maybe it's because I never dared to get off the bandwagon that carried me away. Ever think of that?
Belac's health
The pediatrician is sending us on an emergency visit to an ENT tomorrow. Belac has always suffered from sores in his mouth, but what has been going on is outrageous. It keeps him up at night, he doesn't want to eat. It's all over his tongue and up the sides of his mouth. There is suspicion of an underlying problem.
Belac is not growing. We are getting in with a new endocrinologist in 2 weeks. He's not attending properly in school. We see the neurologist in 2 days, and he still probably won't change his prescription for fear of doing something detrimental to Belac's health. Physical and cardio appointments in 3 weeks. Full evaluations by the school in the next months to see where he is academically. I need Belac to pay attention and show what he knows!
I can barely take it. Every morning I see Belac's every sharp bone as he gets in the shower, he looks like a starving child in Africa. If they discover something concrete in the next weeks - or maybe even nothing, it depends - I am not finishing the Boston season. I will quit without hesitation.
Belac is not growing. We are getting in with a new endocrinologist in 2 weeks. He's not attending properly in school. We see the neurologist in 2 days, and he still probably won't change his prescription for fear of doing something detrimental to Belac's health. Physical and cardio appointments in 3 weeks. Full evaluations by the school in the next months to see where he is academically. I need Belac to pay attention and show what he knows!
I can barely take it. Every morning I see Belac's every sharp bone as he gets in the shower, he looks like a starving child in Africa. If they discover something concrete in the next weeks - or maybe even nothing, it depends - I am not finishing the Boston season. I will quit without hesitation.
taking inventory
Hubby sent me a spread sheet of every account we have. From savings and checking, to kids accounts, their college accounts, retirement, company stock... He gathered account numbers, usernames and passwords for all. Including what we've already paid and still owe on our mortgage. What we still owe on the Subaru. It is wild. Every penny between us is accounted for in a page of Excel.
Looking at this, I am inspired and proud of hubby. He's the one that really made sure we did all this. But if you're supposed to have accumulated 3x your salary by 45 years old. Well, that's a serious, practically impossible stretch. Especially if you discount college savings from retirement savings. Are people really able to do this?
Hubby wants to be more aggressive about saving going forward. We have one credit card between us that we use for almost everything and we've gone line by line through the annual summary. It's amazing how certain things just add up. We agree about upping the ante, really budgeting and spending wisely. We're both on board!
Looking at this, I am inspired and proud of hubby. He's the one that really made sure we did all this. But if you're supposed to have accumulated 3x your salary by 45 years old. Well, that's a serious, practically impossible stretch. Especially if you discount college savings from retirement savings. Are people really able to do this?
Hubby wants to be more aggressive about saving going forward. We have one credit card between us that we use for almost everything and we've gone line by line through the annual summary. It's amazing how certain things just add up. We agree about upping the ante, really budgeting and spending wisely. We're both on board!
Official
its official that little sister is going to Grandma next year, across the ocean and farther. We all talked about it around the dinner table. Older sister may go, too, and take a much needed gap year. I watched my boys run around with girl, screaming in their usual game of tag, around and around the dining table, and carrying each other and slamming the one door I am always on their case about. She is truly like a sister and daughter to us, we will miss her so much.
Hoping they come to Pinkham notch with us before little sis gets on that plane.
Hoping they come to Pinkham notch with us before little sis gets on that plane.
bubble
Oh, God, Gimky, you should have called me.... Well, I thought about it and then realized I didn't have my phone. You should have showed up then! I know, but by the time I was sipping a coffee in town, I was feeling better and calm.... The kids showed up at home later and especially Jake hugged me a long time and we all made up.
Kati had told stories at dinner. How they were so poor growing up, they had ham only on Easter and Christmas. That on birthdays they each were entitled to just one piece of chicken. I just remember, Kati explained, that on my brother's birthday one year, all he wanted for his birthday was to be able to eat an entire chicken for himself. We did as well as any other family, she told us, and I never thought we were poor or deprived because I didn't know, but our kids don't understand this. When 2nd daughter tells me that there's 'nothing' in the refrigerator, I have no idea what she's talking about. And the things she wants, she rolled her eyes, like the begging and crying to go on a cruise?! Oh, it drives me crazy.
My family certainly never struggled like Kati's, but my parents were fearful immigrants with no safety net. I was hungry to get out from under their thumb and for the 'better' life.
How do you teach your kids the important values over stuff and ambition when they desire and suffer for nothing? OMG! That's why one of us needs to win that country inn, I urged them, so we can put the whole family to work 17-1/2 hours a day for a year. Want a better life than scrubbing toilets and grinning and bearing it with crazy, demanding guests? You'd better work your ass off so you have choices.
In so many ways, I'm seriously done with living in this bubble. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think it's doing the kids the right kind of good.
Kati had told stories at dinner. How they were so poor growing up, they had ham only on Easter and Christmas. That on birthdays they each were entitled to just one piece of chicken. I just remember, Kati explained, that on my brother's birthday one year, all he wanted for his birthday was to be able to eat an entire chicken for himself. We did as well as any other family, she told us, and I never thought we were poor or deprived because I didn't know, but our kids don't understand this. When 2nd daughter tells me that there's 'nothing' in the refrigerator, I have no idea what she's talking about. And the things she wants, she rolled her eyes, like the begging and crying to go on a cruise?! Oh, it drives me crazy.
My family certainly never struggled like Kati's, but my parents were fearful immigrants with no safety net. I was hungry to get out from under their thumb and for the 'better' life.
How do you teach your kids the important values over stuff and ambition when they desire and suffer for nothing? OMG! That's why one of us needs to win that country inn, I urged them, so we can put the whole family to work 17-1/2 hours a day for a year. Want a better life than scrubbing toilets and grinning and bearing it with crazy, demanding guests? You'd better work your ass off so you have choices.
In so many ways, I'm seriously done with living in this bubble. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think it's doing the kids the right kind of good.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Dinner
Everything all ready to go. Kati and family on their way for dinner. We took a Quebec sugar pie out of the freezer. I have chunks of cheese laid out and potatoes and veggies roasting in the oven. Hubby out messing with the bbq, he's going to grill. It's been months since the families have all had dinner, like November. And much longer even before that. Suffice it to say, we've all had a ton on our plates.
The snow is melting. I did a clean up this morning of garbage and poop that had been previously buried. I noticed for the first time that I left the garden hose out all winter. Dot just texted me that her kids just got home from their dad's and she wants to pack them up and send them back. She sat with me at synagogue after everyone had left, crying for an hour. Missing her mom, selling that apt, mad at her ex for leaving her like a single mom, exhausted.
Spring could not arrive soon enough. Some warmth, green and flowers. Sitting on a porch sipping something cold. It's been a long winter for everyone I know. And if not for you? Be glad then you don't know me.
The snow is melting. I did a clean up this morning of garbage and poop that had been previously buried. I noticed for the first time that I left the garden hose out all winter. Dot just texted me that her kids just got home from their dad's and she wants to pack them up and send them back. She sat with me at synagogue after everyone had left, crying for an hour. Missing her mom, selling that apt, mad at her ex for leaving her like a single mom, exhausted.
Spring could not arrive soon enough. Some warmth, green and flowers. Sitting on a porch sipping something cold. It's been a long winter for everyone I know. And if not for you? Be glad then you don't know me.
piano
Sue me! he had retorted at the stove, where he had ruined a pot of noodles. I had just returned from running out to get a gallon of milk he needed and it was this comment that pushed me right over the edge. That was it. Do what you want. I'm done and out of here! Hubby was now with Jake trying to figure out what had transpired. I overheard talk about his attitude. Wait, where are you going? Hubby asked. Out! I'm going out. Everyone do what they want, I don't care anymore! I'm going out to do what I want!! Go play hours on mine craft. Don't push yourself or be ambitious. Just get by. You're off the hook from me. I'm done! I don't need this!!
And out I stomped into town. I got myself a cookie and cup of coffee. I sat with my note pad and pen making a list about why I was so mad. Then wondered if the family was worried or waiting for me. I didn't have my phone on me to check in. I hoped they were all off to the gym, where Jake had tennis and hubby was to swim. I moseyed onto the bookstore, where I ran into one of Belac's old teachers and where the owner and I got chatting about the beautiful funeral we just attended.
And then I walked home with a book. Feeling better. Glad to come home and see that everyone had gone to do their thing. Jake had successfully made his Mac and cheese I could see and hubby had taken Belac along to swim, not knowing when I'd be back.
I worry that my kids are not ambitious enough. And I think what really got me going, today, was hearing my students all morning and seeing their immense improvement, and meanwhile I thought, I should be with my own kids. Working with and pushing my own kids, not someone else's. If we don't need the money badly, why am I doing this?
Jake was certainly no saint this morning. He has been developing serious sass lately and I find it unnerving to say the least. But this has as much to do with my own insecurity as it has to do with him. Of all the many kids in my life, I should have taught him the piano.
And out I stomped into town. I got myself a cookie and cup of coffee. I sat with my note pad and pen making a list about why I was so mad. Then wondered if the family was worried or waiting for me. I didn't have my phone on me to check in. I hoped they were all off to the gym, where Jake had tennis and hubby was to swim. I moseyed onto the bookstore, where I ran into one of Belac's old teachers and where the owner and I got chatting about the beautiful funeral we just attended.
And then I walked home with a book. Feeling better. Glad to come home and see that everyone had gone to do their thing. Jake had successfully made his Mac and cheese I could see and hubby had taken Belac along to swim, not knowing when I'd be back.
I worry that my kids are not ambitious enough. And I think what really got me going, today, was hearing my students all morning and seeing their immense improvement, and meanwhile I thought, I should be with my own kids. Working with and pushing my own kids, not someone else's. If we don't need the money badly, why am I doing this?
Jake was certainly no saint this morning. He has been developing serious sass lately and I find it unnerving to say the least. But this has as much to do with my own insecurity as it has to do with him. Of all the many kids in my life, I should have taught him the piano.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
how
Sitting in front of a fire, eating fried noodles from our laps. I asked hubby questions about how we got to that number. He made calculations in his head and admitted to being pretty surprised, himself. After taxes, we've been socking away over 30 percent of our income. Both pretty speechless.
Saturday
Hubby passed the piano on his way to bike. Did you get my email? I hadn't. He had been doing taxes and studying our finances and I was slogging away at new music. He had added up all of our liquid assets, not including our equity in the house. The number was astounding and my mouth dropped open. We have been very, very lucky, of course, but I'm also proud of the financial choices we've made and that we are able to and do live below our means. Of course this is not the kind of thing I can tell anyone about. And shit happens and circustances change, but today, at this moment, we have financial security and for this I am so grateful.
Last night Kiki urged me not to give up the group. Which is harder? The logistics of continuing in Boston or finding the equivalent in NY? Well, let's see, I pointed out, I'm 45 years old and for yet another pretty, little Asian pianist in NY, I'd say I'm pretty much past my prime in many ways....
For kicks, hubby and I have discussed the prospect of owning a country inn. He initially thought I was crazy and would not even go there. Any one's chances are less than a half of a percent, but it's good to dream. And the exercise of boiling anything important down to a mere 200 words? Totally interesting and pretty fun.
Meanwhile, I have not really been paying attention to the elephant in the room. You know, I spend as much time here as at the piano. Don't know if anyone would be so interested in what I have to say. Don't know that I could share any of this because it's so private. And don't have a sense of how good at it I could be. But. Maybe I should be a writer!
Obviously the dilemmas of a privileged person.
Last night Kiki urged me not to give up the group. Which is harder? The logistics of continuing in Boston or finding the equivalent in NY? Well, let's see, I pointed out, I'm 45 years old and for yet another pretty, little Asian pianist in NY, I'd say I'm pretty much past my prime in many ways....
For kicks, hubby and I have discussed the prospect of owning a country inn. He initially thought I was crazy and would not even go there. Any one's chances are less than a half of a percent, but it's good to dream. And the exercise of boiling anything important down to a mere 200 words? Totally interesting and pretty fun.
Meanwhile, I have not really been paying attention to the elephant in the room. You know, I spend as much time here as at the piano. Don't know if anyone would be so interested in what I have to say. Don't know that I could share any of this because it's so private. And don't have a sense of how good at it I could be. But. Maybe I should be a writer!
Obviously the dilemmas of a privileged person.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Busy
4 concerts and 11 rehearsals in the next few weeks. Crazy.
Interestingly, one of those concerts is with Olivia, and we are performing locally. I think it's been 16 years since we last performed, together. Surprisingly, she seems nervous. But I get it, although she has been performing 5 nights a week for the past 15 years, this is not a huge production with a huge anonymous audience out there in the dark. This is 100 people in a small concert hall, closer up, and just her and me on stage. A sort of intimacy and exposure she is unaccustomed to with violin under chin. I'm excited and looking forward to it.
Off for another crazy day. The sun is shining, though, and it just makes everything easier. Happy!
Interestingly, one of those concerts is with Olivia, and we are performing locally. I think it's been 16 years since we last performed, together. Surprisingly, she seems nervous. But I get it, although she has been performing 5 nights a week for the past 15 years, this is not a huge production with a huge anonymous audience out there in the dark. This is 100 people in a small concert hall, closer up, and just her and me on stage. A sort of intimacy and exposure she is unaccustomed to with violin under chin. I'm excited and looking forward to it.
Off for another crazy day. The sun is shining, though, and it just makes everything easier. Happy!
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Why I want to run a country Inn
http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/03/11/maine-innkeeper-inundated-with-essays-for-giveaway-contest/V2XQwwSi1qKkYbGXXk4XGM/story.html
I worked on that beautiful Lake Kezar for 2 summers. Beach attendant by day and piano accompanist by night at a dirty dancing type resort, just a mile and a half down the road from this place up for grabs. It is a gorgeous place.
Hubby thinks I'm crazy. No! I'm not. The chance to own a place for 200 words? Why wouldn't everyone try? I have my ideas. Friday night house concerts, invited chefs, special needs vacations with white glove treatment. At this price point, 17-1/2 hour days, you could make a go at dream without possibly losing everything.
How can you say it all in just 200 words? I am so inspired and love everything about this contest.
I worked on that beautiful Lake Kezar for 2 summers. Beach attendant by day and piano accompanist by night at a dirty dancing type resort, just a mile and a half down the road from this place up for grabs. It is a gorgeous place.
Hubby thinks I'm crazy. No! I'm not. The chance to own a place for 200 words? Why wouldn't everyone try? I have my ideas. Friday night house concerts, invited chefs, special needs vacations with white glove treatment. At this price point, 17-1/2 hour days, you could make a go at dream without possibly losing everything.
How can you say it all in just 200 words? I am so inspired and love everything about this contest.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Undone
You free to chat? came the txt.
It's just so hard for our kids, I listened to her weep. Her son was kicked off the bus, 2 months ago. The principal feared for the safety of the other kids on the bus. Last week, he kicked a girl at yoga. And earlier he had punched his teacher in the face, and before that, the bus driver... At 120 pounds he was now more than they could handle, and they are increasingly on pins and needles at home. They were now looking for a new medication and now she was looking at respite. I can't handle him, Gimky. I know he can't help it, she was weeping, I try to tell other son and hubby he can't help it. With an IQ below 45 he's not understanding the consequences of his actions. But we are in our own house and afraid of our 11 year old, it's ridiculous! He has become increasingly violent, so much so I'm worried no program will take him. And most of all, I feel so sorry for older son. Meanwhile he is so worried about us, asks us everyday how Brian is doing, good or bad, her voice cracked. Older brother tells us that we really need to put Brian in a group home when he's 18.
I wish I could do something to help you, Soo. I know, everyone does! But he's really for the professionals to deal with. Everyone is too scared and I don't blame them. He's going to go 9 weeks to camp next year, we need the break. I don't care how much it costs. And I am applying for the Medicaid waiver, which will give us 8 wknds a year of respite.
We wound things up. Lunch in 2 weeks? she asked. Yes, lunch in 2 weeks, but call before if you need anything, ok? Ok.
It's just so hard for our kids, I listened to her weep. Her son was kicked off the bus, 2 months ago. The principal feared for the safety of the other kids on the bus. Last week, he kicked a girl at yoga. And earlier he had punched his teacher in the face, and before that, the bus driver... At 120 pounds he was now more than they could handle, and they are increasingly on pins and needles at home. They were now looking for a new medication and now she was looking at respite. I can't handle him, Gimky. I know he can't help it, she was weeping, I try to tell other son and hubby he can't help it. With an IQ below 45 he's not understanding the consequences of his actions. But we are in our own house and afraid of our 11 year old, it's ridiculous! He has become increasingly violent, so much so I'm worried no program will take him. And most of all, I feel so sorry for older son. Meanwhile he is so worried about us, asks us everyday how Brian is doing, good or bad, her voice cracked. Older brother tells us that we really need to put Brian in a group home when he's 18.
I wish I could do something to help you, Soo. I know, everyone does! But he's really for the professionals to deal with. Everyone is too scared and I don't blame them. He's going to go 9 weeks to camp next year, we need the break. I don't care how much it costs. And I am applying for the Medicaid waiver, which will give us 8 wknds a year of respite.
We wound things up. Lunch in 2 weeks? she asked. Yes, lunch in 2 weeks, but call before if you need anything, ok? Ok.
shock
I can't believe it. Just received news that our friends' dad died suddenly, today. She discovered him, having had a massive stroke, and he never recovered. He was the nicest guy and always appeared in great health to me. I am beside myself with shock and sadness.
Is this just how life is, or has this been an exceptionally hard year for many of us?
Is this just how life is, or has this been an exceptionally hard year for many of us?
Play date
Today, Jake meets little boy to play. Where is their house? I pointed out the window. But don't worry, today we will go over together. So I'll come home first? I nodded. I will pick up a ball or something fun you can give them and play with.
Raising nice kids who help. That is my priority.
Raising nice kids who help. That is my priority.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
a day
What. A. Day.
I have thousands of ants on my counter now that I have set traps. Little pieces of cardboard and foil everywhere, dabbed with gel - poison in sugary solution. THAT IS DISGUSTING, my sisters wrote upon seeing my pictures. No kidding, I wrote back.
Final one on one with Wiseman. You know what? Not worth the 375/hr without insurance reimbursement despite all of my smiles and thanks. Good to make good, though. We may need him to help advocate for Belac one day.
You tricked me! the tennis teacher told me, he's doing great! Yes, he's doing great, I told the teacher. But really? I tricked him? Either I say nothing and the teachers don't know what to do, fully knowing there is an issue, or now I am forthcoming and now this teacher says he expected "something else."
Mom, are you happy? Jake asked me, on the way home from tennis. I had just spent the last 20 minutes with my jaw to the ground, watching Jake serve and rally strongly with another kid. I hadn't seen him swing a racket in over a year, and these past weeks, hubby had been bringing him. But. But I had to listen to another mom endlessly talk to me the whole time about her 3 boys at Fordham Prep and how she was dismayed by the Sunny Patch district's inclusion of special needs kids, where they too lived. "I am a sub. I see everything and those kids take away from the others. The others, like MY kids," I heard smugly rolling off her tongue. She also said something about always knowing who the 'A' kids were, even though no one told her she could just tell, and how she enlisted those to help her in math. I kept my mouth shut and said not a word. At this point I had brought Belac home and was just by myself. I was curious - though stressed - about what she had to say. I hadn't ever encountered anyone like her in Sunny Patch.
I'm fine, but I got upset listening to another mom talk about how special needs kids interfered with her boys' education. Took away so much, despite all 3 boys getting into Fordham Prep and supposedly doing so well, I didn't say. Obviously, she didn't know who she was talking to....
Oh, Jake responded, so she was talking like Mark's mom?
I laughed, how do you know about how Mark's mom talks?
Mom!!! You know that he takes math at the high school? And his mom shows up in her Mercedes to drive him from the Middle School to the High School, even though the buildings are only like 2 inches apart from each other????
I laughed, is that really true?
YES!!!!! They are so annoying! The mom can't ever stop talking about Mark. And he is SUCH a show off.
Tonight, I somehow ended up on Flower's moms' FB page. There were a few things public and I was verklempt. Verklempt to see just a few pics of them at Block Island, this beautiful family, and little Flower so sweet with her blue eyes and arm in arm with little bro. I will never FB friend them. You know why? Because I always want real time interaction with them.
If FB didn't exist, people would reach out more to each other, face to face. The ones who matter, at least. I don't ever want to replace the little interaction we have with FB. They matter to me, Flower and her family. I will never FB friend them.
Hubby sick and home early from work and in bed. Kids in bed. I guess I should be off, too.
But before I sign off, I just have to say. I can't be mad at that mom. Once upon a time, I would have been her. But life happened and I'm not. Her kids are gaining something by being at Fordham Prep, but they are also missing something, too. There is something valuable about being in a mixed and imperfect environment. What happens in your life has more to do than grades and SATs and pedigrees and things that are quantifiable. At the end of the day, those who do something amazing are the ones that DO something and have deep purpose!!!! Synthesize what they know from personal experience and desire to their specialized expertise. Those are the ones who are truly great and change the world for the better in small and big ways.
My friend and I received a good review of Sunday's concert. I was relieved. However, the question remains, what should I be doing with my life?
I have thousands of ants on my counter now that I have set traps. Little pieces of cardboard and foil everywhere, dabbed with gel - poison in sugary solution. THAT IS DISGUSTING, my sisters wrote upon seeing my pictures. No kidding, I wrote back.
Final one on one with Wiseman. You know what? Not worth the 375/hr without insurance reimbursement despite all of my smiles and thanks. Good to make good, though. We may need him to help advocate for Belac one day.
You tricked me! the tennis teacher told me, he's doing great! Yes, he's doing great, I told the teacher. But really? I tricked him? Either I say nothing and the teachers don't know what to do, fully knowing there is an issue, or now I am forthcoming and now this teacher says he expected "something else."
Mom, are you happy? Jake asked me, on the way home from tennis. I had just spent the last 20 minutes with my jaw to the ground, watching Jake serve and rally strongly with another kid. I hadn't seen him swing a racket in over a year, and these past weeks, hubby had been bringing him. But. But I had to listen to another mom endlessly talk to me the whole time about her 3 boys at Fordham Prep and how she was dismayed by the Sunny Patch district's inclusion of special needs kids, where they too lived. "I am a sub. I see everything and those kids take away from the others. The others, like MY kids," I heard smugly rolling off her tongue. She also said something about always knowing who the 'A' kids were, even though no one told her she could just tell, and how she enlisted those to help her in math. I kept my mouth shut and said not a word. At this point I had brought Belac home and was just by myself. I was curious - though stressed - about what she had to say. I hadn't ever encountered anyone like her in Sunny Patch.
I'm fine, but I got upset listening to another mom talk about how special needs kids interfered with her boys' education. Took away so much, despite all 3 boys getting into Fordham Prep and supposedly doing so well, I didn't say. Obviously, she didn't know who she was talking to....
Oh, Jake responded, so she was talking like Mark's mom?
I laughed, how do you know about how Mark's mom talks?
Mom!!! You know that he takes math at the high school? And his mom shows up in her Mercedes to drive him from the Middle School to the High School, even though the buildings are only like 2 inches apart from each other????
I laughed, is that really true?
YES!!!!! They are so annoying! The mom can't ever stop talking about Mark. And he is SUCH a show off.
Tonight, I somehow ended up on Flower's moms' FB page. There were a few things public and I was verklempt. Verklempt to see just a few pics of them at Block Island, this beautiful family, and little Flower so sweet with her blue eyes and arm in arm with little bro. I will never FB friend them. You know why? Because I always want real time interaction with them.
If FB didn't exist, people would reach out more to each other, face to face. The ones who matter, at least. I don't ever want to replace the little interaction we have with FB. They matter to me, Flower and her family. I will never FB friend them.
Hubby sick and home early from work and in bed. Kids in bed. I guess I should be off, too.
But before I sign off, I just have to say. I can't be mad at that mom. Once upon a time, I would have been her. But life happened and I'm not. Her kids are gaining something by being at Fordham Prep, but they are also missing something, too. There is something valuable about being in a mixed and imperfect environment. What happens in your life has more to do than grades and SATs and pedigrees and things that are quantifiable. At the end of the day, those who do something amazing are the ones that DO something and have deep purpose!!!! Synthesize what they know from personal experience and desire to their specialized expertise. Those are the ones who are truly great and change the world for the better in small and big ways.
My friend and I received a good review of Sunday's concert. I was relieved. However, the question remains, what should I be doing with my life?
cleaning up
We've had a huge ant infestation in the kitchen. In the process of dealing with it, I did a huge clean up and reorg. Top to bottom, inside and out, the kitchen was sorted through and wiped down. Hubby watched silently as I wrote right on the wood, again, this time in huge letters. I can't believe you're doing that, right onto the wood! It's beautiful! I exclaimed, especially if it helps keep things organized! Next time I will take before pics, it's definitely a big improvement.
Building up core
Jake was out of bed before I was. He's definitely feeling better aside from a phlegmy cough. Belac, I had to drag up and basically dress. I rubbed a wet towel over his face. Moooooommmmm...! I'm so tired! I felt the same. Why do we do daylight savings time to ourselves?
We have one of our last sessions with Wiseman, today. And today, Belac begins tennis lessons. I found him a teacher that is willing to work with him. He really needs to get stronger, more coordinated and physically confident, less afraid of the ball. Wolfgang, my piano tuner, suggested getting him free weights and put on a daily 20 minute regimen. You'll have to do it with him at first, he told me as he demonstrated 6 exercises. Build up his core and he's going to feel great! And screw being like everybody else, Gimky!! Shave his head, give him a Mohawk, an earring in his nose...! I laughed. 175 to tune my piano AND dole out advice. It's good value for the money given what we pay Wiseman! My piano students all laugh endearingly, apparently he advises everyone about life.
Good bye! I kissed boys and hubby, have a good day!
So glad to be home.
We have one of our last sessions with Wiseman, today. And today, Belac begins tennis lessons. I found him a teacher that is willing to work with him. He really needs to get stronger, more coordinated and physically confident, less afraid of the ball. Wolfgang, my piano tuner, suggested getting him free weights and put on a daily 20 minute regimen. You'll have to do it with him at first, he told me as he demonstrated 6 exercises. Build up his core and he's going to feel great! And screw being like everybody else, Gimky!! Shave his head, give him a Mohawk, an earring in his nose...! I laughed. 175 to tune my piano AND dole out advice. It's good value for the money given what we pay Wiseman! My piano students all laugh endearingly, apparently he advises everyone about life.
Good bye! I kissed boys and hubby, have a good day!
So glad to be home.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Iep
2 hr phone conversation with people I do not know well. I did not know what to expect. They had been trying to reach me for the past week. Their kid is high functioning on the spectrum. He goes to Belac's Hebrew School. They attend the same middle school. The kid has an aide, as did Belac. Both boys went into a hybrid class for middle school, Belac has lasted so far, theirs did not. A couple of weeks ago, they attended the bat mitzvah of a special needs girl and saw me running around and helping. And now they wanted to talk.
Long story short, they want to know if I want to fight with them for something at the school. We talked at length but did not finish. They want to meet in person.
I am not sure. It's not perfect with Belac and I'm not sure with any program it would be. He doesn't neatly fit in any category. But, he has a sibling, my piano student families, his friends and good peers at school. A very good teacher, and another for next year. A parent who is home most of the time. I am not pressing my luck and think what he has is the best. Their battle is not ours and I have to save the fuss for what matters to mine.
Tonight we went for an intake for group therapy for Belsc. Somehow it came up with the therapist how Wiseman diagnosed Belac. I can see spectrum traits, the doc admitted, but Wiseman indicated social anxiety with add traits and that I see. Not autism.
Interesting.
Long story short, they want to know if I want to fight with them for something at the school. We talked at length but did not finish. They want to meet in person.
I am not sure. It's not perfect with Belac and I'm not sure with any program it would be. He doesn't neatly fit in any category. But, he has a sibling, my piano student families, his friends and good peers at school. A very good teacher, and another for next year. A parent who is home most of the time. I am not pressing my luck and think what he has is the best. Their battle is not ours and I have to save the fuss for what matters to mine.
Tonight we went for an intake for group therapy for Belsc. Somehow it came up with the therapist how Wiseman diagnosed Belac. I can see spectrum traits, the doc admitted, but Wiseman indicated social anxiety with add traits and that I see. Not autism.
Interesting.
News
I found out my friend is letting her child go back to her home country for a year. I am utterly dismayed and kept my mouth shut. Even if the child wants it, at 11 years old it's not her decision to make. It makes me worried that the stress of these past months have been more than she could handle that she would entertain the thought of her child going back to be with grandma. All the while justifying it as the child's choice.
I made significant effort to keep my mouth shut. I don't agree at all if this really happens and my friend could sense my unease and we moved onto other topics.
How could a child at 11 want to be separated from her parents? I totally don't get it. I would never in a million years allow my kids to move elsewhere without me unless their very safety and lives depended on it. But could this be true in their case? Could my friend be so unhinged that not worrying about her littlest child for awhile, knowing she is safely with her mother, be what keeps her from drowning?
I don't know what it's like to be a parent of a kid who has gone crazy, engages in self harm and is borderline suicidal. I don't know what it's like to be in my friend's shoes. I don't know what it's like in her house when I'm not there. I don't judge. But I am going to miss this girl like she is my own. If we didn't live in the same town where everything is everyone's business, I'd have taken her in and maybe she would have let me.
Sadness all around.
I made significant effort to keep my mouth shut. I don't agree at all if this really happens and my friend could sense my unease and we moved onto other topics.
How could a child at 11 want to be separated from her parents? I totally don't get it. I would never in a million years allow my kids to move elsewhere without me unless their very safety and lives depended on it. But could this be true in their case? Could my friend be so unhinged that not worrying about her littlest child for awhile, knowing she is safely with her mother, be what keeps her from drowning?
I don't know what it's like to be a parent of a kid who has gone crazy, engages in self harm and is borderline suicidal. I don't know what it's like to be in my friend's shoes. I don't know what it's like in her house when I'm not there. I don't judge. But I am going to miss this girl like she is my own. If we didn't live in the same town where everything is everyone's business, I'd have taken her in and maybe she would have let me.
Sadness all around.
Bkfst
Jake just up and made himself a sandwich. He told me he felt much better. Guess what, Mom? I got my SS progress report back on Friday, I just remembered. Yeah? I have a 93! he told me, doing a little dance with his hips. Awesome!! That is good work and effort!
Sitting at the island as he ate. You know, Jake, I'm tough on you because you are older now and I know you're capable... Yeah, I know. But do you ever feel I'm tougher on you than Belac? No, he replied, but sometimes you get mad at me for no reason. Okay, well then I have to make myself more clear and we need to talk about it when it happens, okay? He nodded. Do you ever feel I favor Belac over you? No, he told me. Okay, because I don't. He sometimes needs a lot of attention and patience, but it's not because I favor him, it's because he needs my help and encouragement. But if you ever feel like you need more attention and encouragement from me, it's okay to tell me, ok? Belac's problems tend to be more obvious, yours equally important but subtle and I might not know unless you tell me ... And you're older and I know you don't like me to hover and I shouldn't, either... but if there's something you need to tell me about how I'm behaving with you, you should let me know, ok..?. I love both of you so much and feel close to each of you, but both of you are different so our relationships are going to be different. Yup, I get it, Mom, it's good.
I showed him the chicken noodle soup I wanted him to sip later. He asked about how loudly we could blare music around the house and other things. Now he's off to study for a Science test tomorrow.
I take what he says with a grain of salt. He doesn't know what he doesn't know, but good we had a conversation in case he needs to tell me.
Favoritism
On the way home, hubby and I caught up as the boys occupied themselves with iPads in backrow, Jake with headphones.
You know? I listened to a podcast recently about the harm of favoritism. I think you might need to be a little careful.... What...? Me? What was he talking about? He pointed out a few things. I couldn't believe it. I don't favor one or the other, I really don't, but I can see how my unending patience with Belac and not as much Jake could be seen as a double standard, favoritism.
Okay, I see your point, I told hubby, but I really love and appreciate both boys and feel equally close to each of them. I do expect more of Jake, he is older and capable and able to self-advocate, but if it appears or if I'm making him feel that I'm favoring his brother - not true! - then I certainly need to change my ways immediately.
Keeping an eye on myself from here on out.
You know? I listened to a podcast recently about the harm of favoritism. I think you might need to be a little careful.... What...? Me? What was he talking about? He pointed out a few things. I couldn't believe it. I don't favor one or the other, I really don't, but I can see how my unending patience with Belac and not as much Jake could be seen as a double standard, favoritism.
Okay, I see your point, I told hubby, but I really love and appreciate both boys and feel equally close to each of them. I do expect more of Jake, he is older and capable and able to self-advocate, but if it appears or if I'm making him feel that I'm favoring his brother - not true! - then I certainly need to change my ways immediately.
Keeping an eye on myself from here on out.
Reply
And you know what? When the time is right you will start speaking up about what you need.
Over the years, I have learned to speak up instead of grinning and bearing it like a good Asian girl, not that I was suffering any big things or that Hubby is not the most loving husband, but we all have needs, big and small, and sometimes the spouse just doesn't know or fully appreciate what the other needs unless they are explicitly told.
Good luck! I have confidence in both of you. This is not the end of the world, but a beginning, an opportunity. You're both going to become much stronger individually, facing something tough, and hopefully emerge feeling respected and loved deeply by each other. Probably not fast enough for either of you, but I believe it will be worth the effort.
You should also know that after many texts back and forth, over days, I finally asked Kiki point blank what happened. And even then she said very, very little. Not even pointing a finger at you. This says a lot about her character and shows me she hasn't given up, upset as I must assume she is.
We are rooting for team Zweiheit! Know that we love you, Robin!
Gimky
Sent from my iPhone
Knowing details from hubby and suspecting more than a physical attachment to the 3rd person, I'm not very sure they are going to survive this. But I think my duty as their friend is to encourage them to give it a good shot. They have kids going off to college in less than 2 and 6 years. Very tough times down the street.
Over the years, I have learned to speak up instead of grinning and bearing it like a good Asian girl, not that I was suffering any big things or that Hubby is not the most loving husband, but we all have needs, big and small, and sometimes the spouse just doesn't know or fully appreciate what the other needs unless they are explicitly told.
Good luck! I have confidence in both of you. This is not the end of the world, but a beginning, an opportunity. You're both going to become much stronger individually, facing something tough, and hopefully emerge feeling respected and loved deeply by each other. Probably not fast enough for either of you, but I believe it will be worth the effort.
You should also know that after many texts back and forth, over days, I finally asked Kiki point blank what happened. And even then she said very, very little. Not even pointing a finger at you. This says a lot about her character and shows me she hasn't given up, upset as I must assume she is.
We are rooting for team Zweiheit! Know that we love you, Robin!
Gimky
Sent from my iPhone
Knowing details from hubby and suspecting more than a physical attachment to the 3rd person, I'm not very sure they are going to survive this. But I think my duty as their friend is to encourage them to give it a good shot. They have kids going off to college in less than 2 and 6 years. Very tough times down the street.
monday
Tired and relieved. Sitting in the bathroom while Belac on the other side of the shower curtain. Egging him on. He is slow and I have to prod. Jake sneezing, coughing. He had slept yesterday afternoon in sis' hotel room, barely able to hold himself up. He will be home today.
And today, I am not touching the piano. I still have a pile of music to contend with, but today I get a break.
Happy to be home. Happy Monday.
And today, I am not touching the piano. I still have a pile of music to contend with, but today I get a break.
Happy to be home. Happy Monday.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Zonked!
As soon as he finally had a moment alone with me, hubby told me: Gimky, that was really good. In all the years I've known you, this was the best I ever heard you play! It was poised, energetic...
Really...?!
You probably shouldn't give up the group.
I could only laugh in utter bewilderment. Oh my God!
Today
Just went through my entire program at half tempo. Something I learned to do from Mrs. A before every performance. And today I am grateful to be in a practice room, away from the usual distractions. If I were to seriously practice like this all year round, I'd really need to put a piano in a totally stripped down and secluded room in the house. Away from the kitchen. We often talked about putting an upright/keyboard upstairs off our bedroom, even thought of buying my sister's piano - she initially wanted to sell it to us - but I'm not always performing like this and certainly I can more than make do with my grand piano in the open living room!
I have not told the director of my plans to 'retire' from the group. She is in really good hands with the other pianists, who are all fabulous and much more accomplished on paper than me. But I do know that I bring a certain maturity and experience to the group and behind the scenes I'm very good socially. I'm not telling her until the season ends, however, because I just can't take any drama from her and any big discussions about what she can do to keep me. I know this is going to be upsetting for her, I've been with the group 15 years. But it is time.
I hope I play beautifully and dazzlingly today! And that I can keep my stamina and not doubt myself over one note. Today's concert is for my parents.
I have not told the director of my plans to 'retire' from the group. She is in really good hands with the other pianists, who are all fabulous and much more accomplished on paper than me. But I do know that I bring a certain maturity and experience to the group and behind the scenes I'm very good socially. I'm not telling her until the season ends, however, because I just can't take any drama from her and any big discussions about what she can do to keep me. I know this is going to be upsetting for her, I've been with the group 15 years. But it is time.
I hope I play beautifully and dazzlingly today! And that I can keep my stamina and not doubt myself over one note. Today's concert is for my parents.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
free aft
Could not have asked for a better dress for me. I am in a good emotional and physical place with the program. My colleague is freaked out though and in physical pain, I tried to be as reassuring as possible. It is simply a huge, physically grueling, unrelenting program, and I had been forced to take it easy myself earlier in the week. I strongly suggested that we cancel the afternoon rehearsal. He should go home, take a hot bath and make sure to sleep...
Now at a bar waiting for my sis, whose hubby decided to take a nap. My white wine is here. Just ordered myself an arugula salad and a chicken quesadilla. Hubby and fam just left NY and on their way.
Happy.
Now at a bar waiting for my sis, whose hubby decided to take a nap. My white wine is here. Just ordered myself an arugula salad and a chicken quesadilla. Hubby and fam just left NY and on their way.
Happy.
home stretch
I'm off to dress. My sister and hubby just landed. Maybe during my 90 minute break I can go meet them for lunch. Last night I ran to Lord and Taylor's shortly before it closed and in 20 minutes, was paying for a happy exotic blue, simple but asymmetric half-strapless gown. I never wear this color, but it was time. This after a very long day of rehearsals and being up before 4am. Every minute worth it. The last hour of practice, I stopped focusing on technic but playing the story I want my family to hear and it was just so much better.
Tomorrow will not be perfection, but if I can keep my mind in check I will have hopefully expressed something meaningful. Mind over matter.
Tomorrow will not be perfection, but if I can keep my mind in check I will have hopefully expressed something meaningful. Mind over matter.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Mario Parkours
Helped Belac find a 41 minute video to watch while he's on the treadmill. Instructions to walk as fast as he can for the entire time. I want this kid regulated and sleepier tonight. And now to turn back to practicing until next up, Jake.
4am
I'm packed and cleared the drive. The truck couldn't get up but he got his 125 foot hose up and filled our tank. We ran it dry in ONE month! I'm sorry to give this to you, he told me as he reset the burner. An oil bill for $773. Oil just went up by like a dollar.
It's still snowing. Are we going tonight, or are we not? Kati and I both ambivalent, though if we were leaving we should do so now. We hemmed and hawed. I'd prefer to sleep in my own bed but would rather not deal with the stress of ice and the morning commute. Her hubby delayed getting home tonight and her mil not plowed out to come over to be with her girls. Let's just go in the morning, I finally decided for the both of us, we both could use an early night in our own beds, right? You can be with the girls you haven't seen all day and I can practice a little more.
See you at 4am!
It's still snowing. Are we going tonight, or are we not? Kati and I both ambivalent, though if we were leaving we should do so now. We hemmed and hawed. I'd prefer to sleep in my own bed but would rather not deal with the stress of ice and the morning commute. Her hubby delayed getting home tonight and her mil not plowed out to come over to be with her girls. Let's just go in the morning, I finally decided for the both of us, we both could use an early night in our own beds, right? You can be with the girls you haven't seen all day and I can practice a little more.
See you at 4am!
never dull
And then my dad came by as I practiced. Gimky, is there something wrong with the heat? It's 61 degrees in the house. Uh, I don't know! I tried to get the burner restarted. I remembered how I didn't really have hot water for my shower....
And yes. We have no heat. My mother is wearing her winter jacket in the house. I've placed an emergency call to the oil company. And now I'm afraid they won't be able to get up my drive because they only plow after the snow has fallen.
Never a dull moment!
And yes. We have no heat. My mother is wearing her winter jacket in the house. I've placed an emergency call to the oil company. And now I'm afraid they won't be able to get up my drive because they only plow after the snow has fallen.
Never a dull moment!
Life goes on
Hubby off to work. I did not agree but he had a renegotiation he needed to be face to face for. I kissed him, see you Saturday. Saturday? No, you're not driving through this. Nor should you...!
The cellist had joked with me earlier this week. I keep praying there will be a blizzard the day of our concert, but no such luck it seems!
The cellist had joked with me earlier this week. I keep praying there will be a blizzard the day of our concert, but no such luck it seems!
Another snow day
It's still snowing heavily after a night of rain. Convinced hubby not to drive to work and call in, instead. Under all the fluffy snow there is ice, from an evening of rain. By the time his meeting began at 8:30 I had to get up. I could not sleep through all the talk. Belac still sleeping. He had come to me at 1 in the morning. He couldn't sleep.
This kid is an insomniac, no wonder he's not growing and has trouble focusing. I'm sorry i had to wake you up, he told me. It's okay, I said, making his room as dark as I could and pushing him over. When did he become so considerate and realize this was just as painful for me? But then the dog was on his feet. Then he was hot. He had canker sores in his mouth, the usual signs of not sleeping and stress. Mom? I just can't sleep! It was now 2.
How bout you get on the top bunk? This way you are all cozy and don't have to worry about me or the dog? But what if the dog needs me? Bailey will be fine, I reassured him as he climbed up to the top with his pillow.
I tucked him in and kissed him. You okay? Yes the sheets are cold but it's okay. What a good, good kid. Yes they will get warm soon. I got back into the bottom bunk. Mom? he told me after a few minutes, I'm okay now you can go back to your own bed. Okay, are you sure? Good. Sleep as late as you can, okay? Until you can't sleep a single second more, ok? I don't think there will be school tomorrow. Ok.
My sweet boy.
This kid is an insomniac, no wonder he's not growing and has trouble focusing. I'm sorry i had to wake you up, he told me. It's okay, I said, making his room as dark as I could and pushing him over. When did he become so considerate and realize this was just as painful for me? But then the dog was on his feet. Then he was hot. He had canker sores in his mouth, the usual signs of not sleeping and stress. Mom? I just can't sleep! It was now 2.
How bout you get on the top bunk? This way you are all cozy and don't have to worry about me or the dog? But what if the dog needs me? Bailey will be fine, I reassured him as he climbed up to the top with his pillow.
I tucked him in and kissed him. You okay? Yes the sheets are cold but it's okay. What a good, good kid. Yes they will get warm soon. I got back into the bottom bunk. Mom? he told me after a few minutes, I'm okay now you can go back to your own bed. Okay, are you sure? Good. Sleep as late as you can, okay? Until you can't sleep a single second more, ok? I don't think there will be school tomorrow. Ok.
My sweet boy.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
All American family
Hubby became American, today. Took the kids out of school and brought my parents,
Now checking on weather. There's a winter storm coming and Kati and I both need to be in the Boston area by 8:30 and 9am Friday. Should we drive tmw night or 5am the day after? She forgot hubby became American. She gasped over the leaking in the kitchen, was there damage?! Yes.
Let's catch up on the drive, I told her, I should go pack. She laughed, not sure 3-1/2 hours will be enough for us.
I only practiced an hour today. My left hand is hurting and I am sure it's from the hours on the piano over this heavy complicated rep. I've never had an injury before so feeling the strain gave me severe pause. Did 10 minutes tonight and it was enough. I just can't catch a breath. At this point, it's all mind over matter.
Now checking on weather. There's a winter storm coming and Kati and I both need to be in the Boston area by 8:30 and 9am Friday. Should we drive tmw night or 5am the day after? She forgot hubby became American. She gasped over the leaking in the kitchen, was there damage?! Yes.
Let's catch up on the drive, I told her, I should go pack. She laughed, not sure 3-1/2 hours will be enough for us.
I only practiced an hour today. My left hand is hurting and I am sure it's from the hours on the piano over this heavy complicated rep. I've never had an injury before so feeling the strain gave me severe pause. Did 10 minutes tonight and it was enough. I just can't catch a breath. At this point, it's all mind over matter.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
thanks
I've made a reservation for 17 at a restaurant in downtown Boston this Saturday night. My family, my parents, sister and hubby, aunt, cousins and their family, are all coming. I have budgeted for 1000 dollars and plan to pay for dinner from my work savings account. For the past 15 years, everyone - I mean, everyone - has helped me with this Boston group. From putting me up, taking care of the kids, to just pushing me and pushing me to do something for myself, even as I was distraught and ever so preoccupied with especially one child.
Let's just have a good time and let me go out in style, even if it's the night before the concert I'm not sure about playing so well, and still have 4 more concerts with them after that.... The point is, we are all in town and over me. I want to embrace them all for being there for me, these past years and now the 15th, which has found me wanting to come - and be - home. It's time for some thanks.
Let's just have a good time and let me go out in style, even if it's the night before the concert I'm not sure about playing so well, and still have 4 more concerts with them after that.... The point is, we are all in town and over me. I want to embrace them all for being there for me, these past years and now the 15th, which has found me wanting to come - and be - home. It's time for some thanks.
thankful
Began my morning with an hour long phone call with Cigna. My dad listened to the whole rigmarole and just shook his head. Every single claim that was marked corrected was still attributed to the wrong child. All new claims for Belac also went to Jake. Pictures of original forms were retrieved on their computers and they all clearly stated Belac as being the recipient of services but the system continues to not consistently recognize him, at times spitting back to us that he's not even covered. In less than a month, we will no longer be with Cigna and I am happy about that. We will be with Blue Cross Blue Shield. We chose the gold program. Our out of network deductible will now be $5000 as opposed to the $13,500 of our current program. We're paying through the nose for this, of course, but having broader and more sustainable options in mental healthcare has become so important to us.
Hubby called. He did not get the promotion but did get an unexpected raise. He also shared his bonus numbers with me. We're paying college and retirement funds first, then depositing the rest into a hard to access account for rainy days.
We are incredibly lucky.
Hubby called. He did not get the promotion but did get an unexpected raise. He also shared his bonus numbers with me. We're paying college and retirement funds first, then depositing the rest into a hard to access account for rainy days.
We are incredibly lucky.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Officially 14
We celebrated Jake's bday on Friday, right? hubby texted, his bday party was his gift?
I called, did you sign the card? He had. I told him I left some chocolates for everybody, something special and sweet, since we already had bday cake. (In truth I dug it out from the pantry, this morn. it as a gift from a piano student.) Hubby was charged with getting graph paper, maybe he should replace Jake's busted mouse and the keyboard while he was at it. Where are you on the 287? Get off, quick! There's a staples right there! If we needed to replace his mouse and keyboard, anyway, better for hubby to show up with it tonight!
We had had a couple of heart to hearts today. Earlier on my ride to Boston, we chatted and I told him how hard it's been for me. You know I wrote like 75 times on my blog this month and arent there just 28 days in February?? I weeped a little. Between Casper, hard times at school and crying along with Belac, everyone suffering around us, Kati, now Kiki and Robin....the one thing, the ONE thing that I keep wishing I could drop immediately is the Boston gig. I am so done! But you know.... Amazingly, Jake, I pointed out. Look how he has continued to blossom as our backs are turned. What an incredible kid he is, I said, i don't want to jinx it, but his year has been one of incredible growth.
Happy Birthday to my dear boy! This morning I wrote, 14 years ago one of the best things ever happened to me: YOU came into my life. Everyday I thank my lucky stars for you and your huge smile and heart!
I love you forever! I wrote him back.
I called, did you sign the card? He had. I told him I left some chocolates for everybody, something special and sweet, since we already had bday cake. (In truth I dug it out from the pantry, this morn. it as a gift from a piano student.) Hubby was charged with getting graph paper, maybe he should replace Jake's busted mouse and the keyboard while he was at it. Where are you on the 287? Get off, quick! There's a staples right there! If we needed to replace his mouse and keyboard, anyway, better for hubby to show up with it tonight!
We had had a couple of heart to hearts today. Earlier on my ride to Boston, we chatted and I told him how hard it's been for me. You know I wrote like 75 times on my blog this month and arent there just 28 days in February?? I weeped a little. Between Casper, hard times at school and crying along with Belac, everyone suffering around us, Kati, now Kiki and Robin....the one thing, the ONE thing that I keep wishing I could drop immediately is the Boston gig. I am so done! But you know.... Amazingly, Jake, I pointed out. Look how he has continued to blossom as our backs are turned. What an incredible kid he is, I said, i don't want to jinx it, but his year has been one of incredible growth.
Happy Birthday to my dear boy! This morning I wrote, 14 years ago one of the best things ever happened to me: YOU came into my life. Everyday I thank my lucky stars for you and your huge smile and heart!
I love you forever! I wrote him back.
Resigned
Practically every single train this morning has been late or cancelled. Not the train I missed. But the train I'm getting on? Late and later by the second.
I noticed an African American guy ordered a medium coffee with 7 sugars and whipped cream. I listened to others make calls telling pple they'd be late. I called and talked to the kids. They seemed happy enough.
Did you see the cards? Cards? Oh! And there's a little package! Yes, well even though we already celebrated, you should have something sweet on your real birthday, don't eat it all at once! I told Jake.
I should have driven to Boston last night. But after driving 35mph each way to LGA to get my parents in bad driving conditions, I decided to leave very early this morning. And even then, I wasn't supposed to go for today, but every one had accommodated me. Hubby is being sworn in - on short notice - as an American on Wednesday, and I didn't want to miss it. I am bringing the boys and my parents. I was not missing it, not over these rehearsals.
I am not meaningfully contributing to this world by performing in this group. It doesn't matter if it's me or another pianist playing. Sitting by the fire with my family, hubby on piano and me on violin, playing duets for my parents? My mom's favorite Standchen and Ave Maria and Rachmaninoff? My dad sipping on a red, my mom proudly recording on her cell and even seeing my parents holding hands at one point? That's contributing meaningfully to this world.
I noticed an African American guy ordered a medium coffee with 7 sugars and whipped cream. I listened to others make calls telling pple they'd be late. I called and talked to the kids. They seemed happy enough.
Did you see the cards? Cards? Oh! And there's a little package! Yes, well even though we already celebrated, you should have something sweet on your real birthday, don't eat it all at once! I told Jake.
I should have driven to Boston last night. But after driving 35mph each way to LGA to get my parents in bad driving conditions, I decided to leave very early this morning. And even then, I wasn't supposed to go for today, but every one had accommodated me. Hubby is being sworn in - on short notice - as an American on Wednesday, and I didn't want to miss it. I am bringing the boys and my parents. I was not missing it, not over these rehearsals.
I am not meaningfully contributing to this world by performing in this group. It doesn't matter if it's me or another pianist playing. Sitting by the fire with my family, hubby on piano and me on violin, playing duets for my parents? My mom's favorite Standchen and Ave Maria and Rachmaninoff? My dad sipping on a red, my mom proudly recording on her cell and even seeing my parents holding hands at one point? That's contributing meaningfully to this world.
missed train
I am fucking done with this fucking group playing this fucking music.
I missed my train because of a tractor trailer accident brought traffic to a standstill just a few miles from the station.
There was no way I was going to buy a fucking Acrela ticket at 120 dollar difference. Who the fucking hell does this fucking shit that I do? When all is said and done I will have paid to play this concert and I can't even stand a fucking note of this music.
I was up at the crack of dawn. Shoveling and writing Jake a bday card. Kissing them and telling them to sleep in on this late day start. Making sure they had clean clothes and I gave myself double the time. dOUBLE the time. The one time I'm not 20 min early and the train 20min late.The one time I'm hauling my ass and running like I'm on fire, it has to have just left 2 min earlier. It should have taken me 25 min - not the hour it did.
I am fucking fucking fucking done with this bullshit. This concert is BULLSHIT. None of all this, even in smoother, easier circumstances, is worth it to me.
Next year, I'm not signing up for a single goddamn thing that is not local.
I missed my train because of a tractor trailer accident brought traffic to a standstill just a few miles from the station.
There was no way I was going to buy a fucking Acrela ticket at 120 dollar difference. Who the fucking hell does this fucking shit that I do? When all is said and done I will have paid to play this concert and I can't even stand a fucking note of this music.
I was up at the crack of dawn. Shoveling and writing Jake a bday card. Kissing them and telling them to sleep in on this late day start. Making sure they had clean clothes and I gave myself double the time. dOUBLE the time. The one time I'm not 20 min early and the train 20min late.The one time I'm hauling my ass and running like I'm on fire, it has to have just left 2 min earlier. It should have taken me 25 min - not the hour it did.
I am fucking fucking fucking done with this bullshit. This concert is BULLSHIT. None of all this, even in smoother, easier circumstances, is worth it to me.
Next year, I'm not signing up for a single goddamn thing that is not local.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Amazing bat mitzvah
There is no denying it, I have a certain calling. And I'm going to have to figure it out.
Yesterday, there was a bat mitzvah of a special needs girl, who lived in a nearby group home. The congregation was asked to come and rally around her, a girl none of us knew, because she was coming with very limited family and friends. Who wants to leave their houses in this weather? I showed to find it was standing room only.. I was in the front row with my violin and Belac. There was no usher, I found myself helping her friends in from the group home when I spotted them coming in from the back, simply because no one else got up to do it. There were 2 teachers and 6 girls, a couple of boys. An African American girl, 6 ft tall and 300 pounds at least, no eye contact and breathing audibly, took my hand and came up with me to the 2nd and 3rd rows where I seated them near the bat mitzvah girl. They were all like a deer in headlights and far from inconspicuous.
No one stared, but this was unlike anything most people experience on their normal day. There was one girl who appeared to be davening, jerking back and forth, but that was just her. There were waves between them and the bat mitzvah girl. There was conversation between them throughout the service and hugs. When rhetorical answers were asked, they answered. When people stood, they stood. When people sat, they sat. When there was a prayer for the sick and healing, a bunch of the girls went up and stood arm and arm to receive a prayer. It was incredible.
Belac, Josh and I sat in the front and found ourselves being role models, being directly in these girls line of sight. And they were just very well behaved and solemn, very respectful and kind when these girls kept trying to make conversation with them.
At one point, the girls got up and did this sanctuary presentation, something they do every morning at this residence school for emotionally disturbed kids with below average IQs, standing in a circle. Hi Sarah! Samantha the bat mitzvah girl called out happy and quickly, How are you feeling today? (I feel happy.) What is your goal today? (To do what I'm supposed to do.) Who is going to help you? (Everybody.) Good, got your back! then the same to the next girl and to the next girl. I was blown away and weeped.
A girl needed to go to the bathroom and tapped my shoulder. Then another. Each time, I took them by hand, up and down the aisle. When they stood too long at the bema, I ushered them each down, passed out the marshmallows and told them they were not to be eaten but thrown... the bat mitzvah teacher - in a wheelchair - occasionally would give me a look, like please do something, and it was no problem. I am a worry wart and am always trying to be on top of behaviors before they happen.
Afterwards at kiddush, he told me that some of the girls almost didn't come because they had had behaviorally bad weeks, but he had asked the administrators to please just take a chance. He had been the director of the school for decades before his accident. I told him how one of the girls tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew of a church in town where she could celebrate her birthday. We had a good laugh at that.
Obviously the support from the congregation was amazing. There was dancing, clapping, and recognition. I saw some leave her cards, probably filled with money.
Interesting was the people who approached me. Do you work at the school? I didn't. Did you know these girls beforehand? No. Well, thank you for everything you did. The teacher told me, you did what I couldn't physically do, now in this wheelchair, I was so worried! Thank God you were here, what you do for this community, Gimky, especially for the special needs community, is astounding. Thank you, I told him, and now you know who to call before the next time!
Yesterday made me happy. And you know what? It is so important that we give these kids every opportunity to be with the bigger community. Loud and proud. They are worthy. The more comfortable people are, be it the 100 members of community there or Belac's computer teacher, the more likely they too will stand up and take a kid's hand when needed. It's not them, but us. If it's anything we need in this world, it's direct and real time experiences in compassion.
I asked the school what we could do for Sarah. A foster kid who is aging out and who they could never get adopted. Someone who asked me if Belac was my son and how old was he? And someone who for some reason kept looking at me for my approval. I gave her the occasional thumbs up and smile. The teacher said he'd get back to me.
Yesterday, there was a bat mitzvah of a special needs girl, who lived in a nearby group home. The congregation was asked to come and rally around her, a girl none of us knew, because she was coming with very limited family and friends. Who wants to leave their houses in this weather? I showed to find it was standing room only.. I was in the front row with my violin and Belac. There was no usher, I found myself helping her friends in from the group home when I spotted them coming in from the back, simply because no one else got up to do it. There were 2 teachers and 6 girls, a couple of boys. An African American girl, 6 ft tall and 300 pounds at least, no eye contact and breathing audibly, took my hand and came up with me to the 2nd and 3rd rows where I seated them near the bat mitzvah girl. They were all like a deer in headlights and far from inconspicuous.
No one stared, but this was unlike anything most people experience on their normal day. There was one girl who appeared to be davening, jerking back and forth, but that was just her. There were waves between them and the bat mitzvah girl. There was conversation between them throughout the service and hugs. When rhetorical answers were asked, they answered. When people stood, they stood. When people sat, they sat. When there was a prayer for the sick and healing, a bunch of the girls went up and stood arm and arm to receive a prayer. It was incredible.
Belac, Josh and I sat in the front and found ourselves being role models, being directly in these girls line of sight. And they were just very well behaved and solemn, very respectful and kind when these girls kept trying to make conversation with them.
At one point, the girls got up and did this sanctuary presentation, something they do every morning at this residence school for emotionally disturbed kids with below average IQs, standing in a circle. Hi Sarah! Samantha the bat mitzvah girl called out happy and quickly, How are you feeling today? (I feel happy.) What is your goal today? (To do what I'm supposed to do.) Who is going to help you? (Everybody.) Good, got your back! then the same to the next girl and to the next girl. I was blown away and weeped.
A girl needed to go to the bathroom and tapped my shoulder. Then another. Each time, I took them by hand, up and down the aisle. When they stood too long at the bema, I ushered them each down, passed out the marshmallows and told them they were not to be eaten but thrown... the bat mitzvah teacher - in a wheelchair - occasionally would give me a look, like please do something, and it was no problem. I am a worry wart and am always trying to be on top of behaviors before they happen.
Afterwards at kiddush, he told me that some of the girls almost didn't come because they had had behaviorally bad weeks, but he had asked the administrators to please just take a chance. He had been the director of the school for decades before his accident. I told him how one of the girls tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew of a church in town where she could celebrate her birthday. We had a good laugh at that.
Obviously the support from the congregation was amazing. There was dancing, clapping, and recognition. I saw some leave her cards, probably filled with money.
Interesting was the people who approached me. Do you work at the school? I didn't. Did you know these girls beforehand? No. Well, thank you for everything you did. The teacher told me, you did what I couldn't physically do, now in this wheelchair, I was so worried! Thank God you were here, what you do for this community, Gimky, especially for the special needs community, is astounding. Thank you, I told him, and now you know who to call before the next time!
Yesterday made me happy. And you know what? It is so important that we give these kids every opportunity to be with the bigger community. Loud and proud. They are worthy. The more comfortable people are, be it the 100 members of community there or Belac's computer teacher, the more likely they too will stand up and take a kid's hand when needed. It's not them, but us. If it's anything we need in this world, it's direct and real time experiences in compassion.
I asked the school what we could do for Sarah. A foster kid who is aging out and who they could never get adopted. Someone who asked me if Belac was my son and how old was he? And someone who for some reason kept looking at me for my approval. I gave her the occasional thumbs up and smile. The teacher said he'd get back to me.
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