wowee!

Oh my God. Just last night, hubby and I were talking about what would happen if someone above him retired or left the company. Someone who has a reputation for being a brilliant business person but is infamous for his back-stabbing, tyrannical ways. I don't care how much money this guy has made for the company, it doesn't change that he's a slime ball. But would work really improve for hubby if he were gone? The thinking was yes. And what the fuck happened today? The guy RESIGNED!!!

backstory

It's a very wet, cold morning and the line of cars filing past my house is a mile long. I drove the kids today. There is math testing and both kids had their instruments and it was pouring.  But you know what? Driving home, I saw a few kids out there walking with their umbrellas. My boys aren't made of sugar. If I got the job, I'd invest in serious rain gear for the kids and they'd just do it. No choice.

Hubby got home late, last night, barely in time to kiss the kids good night. I had baked him some cod and made quinoa and kale after having fed the kids and myself pizza from the freezer. He couldn't believe it and called me the best wifey ever. But he had been out of the house for 14 hours, slaving over work and more work. I had the time, why wouldn't I? As I watched him eat, I sipped a glass of wine with my feet in his lap.

We talked about the science test Jake brought home, today, with tears in his eyes. A 55 percent.... And how we need to actually teach him how to study. We talked about BMR and the Harris Benedict equation and hubby rolled his eyes at me. He thinks a better goal for me would be to run 3 miles in 27 minutes. The performance of his new contacts vs. glasses. How we could improve Charlie's house. What would happen if I got the job and how much it could pay. Neither of us have a clue. And again, hubby pointed out that having my own goals and endeavors is really important for me and everyone else in the family. He thought my teaching at the school would be great for all of us. You can't be living through the kids or having your ego involved in the boys' failure or success. It's not good for anyone.

Kati told me the other day. The boys will be fine, we'll help each other with the kids. Try to get the job.

doing the math

So I'm doing the math now because I want results. 

If I consume 300 calories less than my BMR, everyday, and run a minimum 3 miles (300 calories), 5 times a week, that's 3600 less calories per week. That means I could lose 1 pound in one week.

So can I stick with it? Could I lose 10 pounds in 3 months? 

Counting calories and counting miles.

That's 1400 calories and 3 miles for today. 

job app

Before the school wants to even talk to me, they want to know if the hours will work. They are non-negotiable. The director and I had very brief and formal exchanges over the logistics. I think she is purposefully impersonal and unfamiliar with me, despite our interactions 4 years ago. And I get it. It'll be hard enough to reject me a second time. I'm surprised that this job is for many more hours than what was being offered, last time.  I wonder if the main music teacher is leaving.

Hubby and I talked about it. I would gladly give up a conflicting morning at the nursery school and I'd move some students to Sunday, or just let go of the ones that don't practice. But my boys would have to let themselves in, 3 days a week. They pretty much do that already, but now I'm around most of the time or teaching a lesson already, and they have to quietly get snack and start homework. 3 mornings a week, they'd also have to start walking to school as I left for the city by 7:30 am. And then there are the snow days, which Manhattan never gives... But just as I have taken Izzy on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Kati works, I think Kati would take mine on the other days or at least check in on them. There's also our friends' nanny... Plus they are old enough to not be micromanaged, hubby pointed out. I think it would be good for all of us if I had such a schedule. Hubby agreed, we'll make it work.

So with that, I'm throwing my ring into the hat. I'm all in! 

game invasion

At bedtime, Belac told me he watched a kid play Minecraft during first period and forgot to go to Gym. I was utterly dismayed.

What?? First of all, why were you at Art in the first place? Second, if you are at Art, you MUST get your sketch pad out or be talking to other kids. You are never ever to play computer games at school, got it?! Third of all, how do you play Minecraft in school without internet and WHERE WAS THE TEACHER???

I asked Jake about it. How did this person play Minecraft at school? He didn't know. If a teacher saw this, would she stop it? Yes. Belac, are you sure this person was playing Minecraft at school? Yes. I'm 100% positive! I was watching him play the whole time!

I can't control what other kids do. I can't ultimately control my kids, either. And I can't even trust the teachers in this fancy school district to do the right thing! We talked about it. Don't get sucked into other people's bad choices, I urged them. I'm not saying don't have fun, but use your good judgement and respect yourself.

Mom, do you think I'm still a good student? Belac asked me, am I going to get in trouble?

The sign of being a good student is learning from your mistakes, and that means not letting this happen again. You should not let something distract you from getting to class, okay? You now have an unexcused absence for gym and it wasn't even for a good reason! But do I think you are still a good student? Yes. You don't feel good about what happened and that shows me that you care about doing the right thing.

My kids have been dying for a phone or device with games, but there is NO WAY that is happening for as long as I can help it.

Charlie's

We told Kati and her hubby about Charlie's old house. They are the first people we ran it by. No surprise, they are the types to think outside of the box and actually do things differently from others. They have never stepped foot inside but understand the reasoning perfectly. Down-sizing (a little prematurely, I admit), reducing our expenses significantly, keeping things simple while living well, preparing for the future. I really value that apartment/office attached to the charming house. Even if neither kid ever used it, we could use it ourselves or rent it out to cover taxes. We would just have a lot of flexibility going forward and liked living there enough before.

There's no fireplace? Oh my God, they proclaimed, you'll have to build one or hubby will never move! Exactly.

How much do you think you could get for you house? Well, how much do you think...? I know what we'd need to break even.... even better, not to have a mortgage at Charlie's.

Her hubby was particularly excited about the idea of our potentially owning and renting out the neighboring sister properties. Well, hubby said, I'm warming up to the idea.... I poured hubby some wine, drink up sweetie! I joked. I know he will come around.

nurse's office

cleared out for a garden 

4/2014

Gimky? Belac was just here and showed me his bug bite. You know, it's against the rules for him to have the hydrocortisone with him.... But I knew that if I took it away from him, it would really upset him. I mean, I could probably give it to him once when he comes back, but I'm not supposed to. It looks pretty swollen and red, not that bad, but not that great....

Ugh! I sighed. She knew about his being allergic to bug bites. She knew that everything about him was not so easy and straightforward.

I know, she murmured.

I'll come and give him a zyrtec, I told her.

And that's how I came to arrive at the nurse's office, just as a sister of Belac's classmate arrived with her aide to use the bathroom. She grunted at me, not because she recognized me, and I said hi. Then came another boy with his aide, singing his own unintelligible words to the Let it Go melody. His aide initially tried to redirect, but to no avail.  4 adults and 2 kids, the 2 kids making all the noise and the adults just waiting quietly and politely. They were from the autism class.

Hi Mom, came in Belac. I handed him the zyrtec and took his cream from him. How are you doing? I asked. Fine, he said with grey clouds in his eyes, but my leg is really bothering me! Well, I explained, hopefully this will help. Do I just swallow it? he asked, without water? Oh my God! What does it taste like? Citrus, I told him, the doctor told me it will really help! Thank God! he exclaimed. I kissed and hugged him, it's going to be okay! Now, can you say thank you to the nurse?

Thank you! he said and ran off.

He looked so very little to me, scrawny even, agitated about his leg and now anxious to get back to class so he wouldn't miss anything. You know what? As recent as last year, my Belac had a designated aide, too. Just last year. His increased self awareness, his ability to be disciplined and his deep desire to have friends and be accepted have really helped him change his life for the better. Watching Belac run off back to class by himself - quirks, challenges, and amazing things, all contained in that petite bundle - I found myself just so very grateful. No doubt he has had luck on his side. However, he is also just an incredible kid.

7:29am

Turkey Mt. 4/2014

Both kids out the door at 7:29am. Jake left 45 minutes early to play soccer with a bunch of kids on the school field. He's not the sporty type and wouldn't make any school teams, so I am surprised and love that he joins in and has that camaraderie. It's the confidence that running has given him and the taste of casual banter from track and cross country.

The boys both ate chocolate cake and drank whole milk for breakfast! The crazy shit that happens in my house...! I - thank God - managed to refrain.

Happy Monday!

new

I've been running 3-4 miles a day, and recently more and more outside. This town is so small and everyone is out. Acquaintances slow down and honk when they recognize me, neighbors give a thumbs up, friends cheer me on. It's much more interesting and social to be running outside, plus I make note of what everyone's doing in their yard.... How are they making it nice? What color is their mulch? What are they planting in their gardens?

I ran almost 25 miles this week, a record! I hope to stick with it. I feel GREAT. But I'm also vain and am determined to shave off some pounds.

By the way, I just bought myself a ukulele! I picked one up for the first time a few years ago and loved everything about it. I'm so excited. I'm going to teach myself over the summer and bring it to my classes in the fall.

Hi!

Hi! My name is Belac. I'm grateful for playing Mine Craft, this afternoon, just kidding...! I'm grateful for my house!

I was sitting on the stage, far away, with my violin. Hubby was in the back room with Jake, who had just arrived late from track and needed to eat dinner. And there was Belac, sitting in a pew with Josh, not a single person nearby to prompt him or pre-screen what he was going to say. He raised his hand and volunteered to answer the Rabbi's question to the nearly 100 person congregation, tonight: what interesting thing happened to you this week? What are you grateful for?

To most everyone else, he's just a cute young kid, doing what any other kid does. But it really is just so, so much more than that. I love that Belac knew instinctively that the Mine Craft answer was not exactly the weighty answer the Rabbi was looking for, despite it being true. I am beyond grateful that this is Belac's community and he feels comfortable. And I thank the heavens that he has grown so much and beyond my wildest dreams. He really makes me such a better and more patient human being. I just love this kid.

what's wrong

Belac 4/14

What is wrong with our kids?

It's one thing to commit suicide, it's something else to go out and kill someone else. The kid that stabbed a girl to death because she didn't go to prom with him. The kid who stabbed 21 people at the start of school.... You know what these kids had in common? Feeling like nobodys. Intense anger and pain. Not being appreciated for anything good, not having had the taste of positive recognition and so they gave up the uphill battle. In one moment of utter despair and delusion, they threw away their lives by throwing away someone else's.

You know what else? People just don't pay attention to each other anymore. How many times am I out and see families together but all on their devices? Kids gathered around some electronic, spoon feeding them some other flashy distraction? Parents that just hand them over to their kids to quiet them down. It drives me crazy. Why don't people talk to each other anymore?

We are paying for our lazy ass ways. We spend more time with handhelds than our warm-blooded friends and family. Will we as a society all end up with some form of autism?

training

an Easter bread loaf Kati made me, 

it makes me laugh and sits quietly as I do dishes 4/14

Last year, I ran a 10K in 72 minutes at 11.5 minutes a mile.

Today I ran 3.9 miles at 12 minutes a mile. Not bad. I now have 6 weeks until the same 10K and want to run faster. Finishing in 66ish minutes is ideal.

I feel great!!

Goals are good.

504

Met with the guidance counselor for 45 minutes yesterday. We talked about Jake. We talked a little bit about his grades, which are not terrible but not stellar. And then she told me about all the feedback she was able to get from the teachers. He is disorganized and has trouble concentrating. Every single teacher said that he was a well-behaved, good-natured kid, extremely bright but missing swaths of directions in class due to poor attention.

I have decided to get him a 504, which requires paperwork from Dr. Ashton. It means he will get extra time on tests, not really what he needs. There will be no academic interventions, again, not what he needs and he doesn't qualify anyway. Mostly, he will just basically be on everyone's radar. The burden of me going to every teacher at the beginning and throughout the year will now be shared with the school. It will be a given he gets preferential seating, i.e. front row, and that he needs written instructions. He will come up in regular child study meetings in terms of, how is Jake Snowflake doing? It will insure that he continues to get the signing out everyday with a point teacher and 2 mornings of study skills. In fact, the Guidance Counselor was surprised he had been getting all this without a 504, already. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but you know how he got these things? Because I kept asking and bugging the previous guidance counselor, talked often with a couple of his teachers about my concerns, and with a special ed instructor I knew from elementary, recently transferred to the middle school.... That's how he got these things. I kept asking for help from the teachers who recognized and brought up Jake's concentration issues. What can we do? Can someone sign him out, everyday? Can someone in these walls help him learn how to study?

So he's running now, everyday, at least a mile and a half. I know this is great for him because he sleeps and eats better. And he's certainly building that oft talked about "grit." But one thing I do sort of worry about is if he wouldn't be better off in a school with much smaller class sizes. I think he is the kind of kid that gets lost in the shuffle and needs more personalized attention. He doesn't think like everyone else, isn't in the mindset of everyone else... and while conforming is sure important, can't he be someplace that splits the difference? That is not so much about changing the kid if he doesn't perfectly fit but also takes the time to value whatever is unique to the kid?

Last night, Jake put his arm around me while I was making dinner at the stove. Thanks, Mom, was all he said to me as he let his chin rest on the back of my shoulder. And even this morning, after he'd been up early, suffering over a project he had to turn in, we had some funny exchanges over fashion choices. He made a point of changing out of his hoodie for a new spring jacket he's been wearing for weeks, telling me it was his new 'lucky' jacket. I kissed him good bye and shooed him out the door and realized, you know, he's just a kid, and the sweetest one there is at the core. I'm no longer worried in the same way as I used to be. He's doing what he can to keep up, to cope, to do well... I mean, he is a kid who is trying. What else can anyone ask of their kid who keeps putting one foot in front of the other no matter what? I am so proud of him.

new project

Maybe the trick is to keep busy.

On Monday, a gardener comes and digs up 4 mature boxwoods for me. Hopefully they will survive replanting elsewhere. It's a very sunny and flat patch near the front door and water spigot, the perfect place to grow lots of tomatoes, kale and herbs. I'll have new babies to take care of.

conversations

Hubby texted me, this morning. We should get a sitter and see a show.

It's sweet and made me laugh. He knows it's not what this is about, but he's thinking about me. I don't mean to concern him or make him worried. I'm not about to run off with the crossing guard or anything. Besides, he's gay. I just feel like, okay, what is next?

Could we raise some chickens in the backyard?

We had a conversation last night and it turned into who was contributing more to this world. Who would be less replaceable. It's a ridiculous topic, I don't recommend it. But hubby seemed to think that our lives would be much worse were it not for me figuring things out for the kids, finding Sunny Patch, this house, and orchestrating our social lives.... But someone else would have done it for their own kids, I pointed out. And you could have married someone else that could have provided for it, he pointed out.

But then I have to remember this morning. Hubby off extremely early. It was just Jake and me for the next while, discussing the best kind of cookie, why and how he has to wash his face everyday, now, and both of us giggling over Belac's chirping upstairs. He also showed me the hole in his sneaker that's taking in water. He needs new running shoes. When there's no rushing, we have interesting and sweet exchanges, Jake and me....  And then he was off, now it was just me and Belac.

Mom? I used to be so mean, Belac told me while eating his noodles.

Mean?

Yeah, remember? 

You mean in 1st grade?

I said some bad things in 4th grade. Like, I made threats, remember...? But I'm older now.

What does it have to do with being older?

It's easier to be nice, yeah.

You are a really nice kid, Belac! You've been so good with others all year, very thoughtful.

I just didn't have as good friends. Josh and Ethan...

You mean they're better friends now?

Yeah.

I know that what hubby pointed out last night is correct. The stability our lifestyle has provided and my ability (luxury) to be around is good for the kids. We each have an important hand in providing this lifestyle. I am grateful for this.

John Philip Sousa piano arrangement I have put off doing for 3 weeks, ugh, here I come.

life

Belac's ELA homework  4/2014

Wow. I visited one of the websites and it's just beautiful. It's this amazing support group for breast cancer survivors, and just everything you could want and need is there. And it's free and there for everyone to browse. I snooped around the message boards, some of what is there is so raw and lively and everything you'd expect from a site that builds community around trying to survive breast cancer. Could I do something like this for special needs? I did a little research. The business gets millions from corporations, grants and fundraising, but not so long ago, it was started by 3 women who survived breast cancer and realized there needed to be a go-to place for information and emotional support.

I'm restless, I told hubby, today. But what else can I do? I have my students. I'm running everyday. Cleaning and organizing. On top of the kids. Cooking new things. Practicing. Volunteering everywhere. I'm trying to engage and make the most of everything. It's not that I'm not busy, but I really need something new to do or see, and that's the truth. Watch a thunderbolt strike me now and make me ever regret uttering this word. But I might be... bored. It's a terrible, terrible word and conjures up the image of a privileged, spoiled suburban housewife who is simply not doing enough or living up to her potential to be able to complain of boredom! It's my own damn fault and I need to figure it out.

How about we go and become farmers for a year? Or sell the house and move back to Michigan, the new frontier and try to actually create something? Or what the hell, just take an offer from hubby's company and move to China, come hell or high water?  Otherwise, really? We just want to stay here in NY? Fight for the few spots for ourselves and our children, and do what everyone does to survive? This is the life?

7 minute mile

"Mom, I'm not going to wear shorts," Jake stated.

Just pack them, it's going to be 70 degrees! Everyone at the meet will be wearing shorts.

"I don't feel comfortable about it," he insisted.

Oh my God. Was he being self conscious? Since when did how he looks come before comfort?

Jake, those are sweat pants, you're going to be hot....

"I'm NOT wearing shorts!!!" he proclaimed before running off to school.

Later in the day, after dropping Belac off at his art class all the way north, I drove all the way south to see if I could catch some of Jake's track meet. There were buses and tons of cars. I took one of the spots right near the exit and ran to the field where there were already over two hundred kids at various stations and parents swarming the bleachers. I never saw crowds like this for cross country....  And then from afar, I could see that the 1 mile dash had begun, because why...? There was just one kid on the field in black sweat pants, and he was running with the small pack of 8 on the track. Had he not been wearing those ridiculous pants, I would have missed him.

I pushed my way to the front of the bleachers. GO JACOB!!!! I called out when he passed. The asian dude out front from the very start, I recognized from having won our town race, last year. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I screamed when Jake passed again. 

You know what I absolutely loved about seeing this? How hard Jake fought to not be last place. (You have to start somewhere.) I never saw this kind of determination or hint of competitiveness before. By the 3rd lap,  Jake was already half a track length behind the leader, but he and a kid were fighting neck and neck to not be last place. The kid passed him, late 3rd lap, and almost drove Jake off the track, then Jake immediately summoned up the energy to pass this kid and get more safely ahead, sprinting the last lap. That's a long sprint! Watching this, I felt really tired for him. But he did not give up once, came in 7th out of 8 and I was just so, so proud!! They were ALL so fast and so good! The 1 mile runners are a small, self-selecting bunch. I mean, you don't just sign up for the long run for kicks. 

It was a 7-minute mile for Jake! Good for him!

You know what else? It immediately started to pour. I offered to drive Jake home, he was finished with his 3 events. That's okay, he told me, I want to stay and watch, I'll ride the bus back!

Music to my ears!

just a thought

kale is my new obsession, I eat it almost everyday

I wonder if someone on the initial design team that I like has some connection to special needs. I mean, maybe what they think it will cost is really what it will cost. Maybe they follow up like this with everyone. Maybe it's not in their business repertoire to question the viability of any-startup that calls. But I have to wonder, too, if there might also be some emotional tie to special needs among the group that is not being disclosed. I mean, their rate - or the rate they're giving me - is less than half of everyone else's. Hubby was astounded by this rate, being in the business of IT, and thinks it's way too low. And based on my comparison shopping, so far, it's definitely low.

Today, one of the head guys called me. I mean, they have fancy, fancy household name clients. I'm like this no one up in Westchester, and they can google me and hubby and know that we are well to do but probably not completely loaded. Most start ups flop and that's the truth. And I just was straight forward with him. You don't have to tell me if anyone on your team has any direct experience with special needs, but it matters to me. It makes a difference to me that your design team can get into the mindset of a special needs family in designing this thing or that they have fought to solve other challenging problems. I mean, in my opinion, what will make this thing successful and great is if we truly facilitate some kind of emotional connection, so it's not just hard technical skills we need.... And, I mean, this guy was just very good and remained professional and disclosed nothing, saying that his designers were a phenomenal bunch, we'd work as a collaborative team and he was going to send me 5 links to sites they built that were emotionally relevant to mine.

The statistics say 1 in 46, 8-year old boys in the US, and we're talking about just autism. I can't help but think that someone at this firm has a special needs kid.

running

Today Jake has his first track meet, where he has chosen to race in hurdling and the long run. It is amazing to me that he's really doing things that I cannot do, knows things that I don't know, thinks things that I can't guess. This year, for both kids, has been a time of incredible growth.

I went out for a run, this morning, and used the Nike Plus app for the first time. The weather was perfect and I just took it easy. Surprisingly, I ran faster than on the treadmill and a little longer at 3.5 miles without any problem.  I was jumping for joy at the outcome, even an old dog like me can learn new tricks.

My favorite firm in the city just called. The one whose price seems too low to be true. We chatted and I told him about my concerns, that maybe they haven't designed a web app that had to solve problems. Turns out he's going to send me a list. And you know what, I realized when I hung up? The thing is, this is the only company that has been so easy to talk to. It's totally professional and a bit formal. But they listen, I listen. One asks, the other answers.

Also, the school wrote me back just to say they received my application. It was a formal, nothing kind of note sent to everyone. Still, I couldn't help but notice there was a grammatical error.

this sunny day

Belac 4/2014

100 thousand dollars??

I wrote hubby. This is impossible. How could it cost so much?? Maybe I should just take on more piano students. To each their own!!

Did you call the school? You need to call them.

Ugh.

I did laundry and gardened. I picked up some fish for dinner. Practiced Beethoven and ran. I talked to the organizational coach in town and couldn't believe she gave me so much time for free... And then went back to look for design firms, this time at those that work with start-ups and take equity as part of payment.

I didn't call the school. And they did not call me.

possibilities

Today I have another call. It's with the only firm that responded to my initial request by mentioning that they have worked significantly with non-profit and education. It's a good assumption about the business based on a vague 2-lined description of what I want built. A little hint of understanding, perhaps? I am hopeful about this call, today.

This morning, both boys were down by 6:58 am. They were dressed and had everything they needed for school. Amazing results of a solution concocted and tweaked by hubby and kids, over the year. The upstairs speaker turns on at 6:40 am, blaring different, prescribed music of their choice, everyday. (Usually One Republic, Imagine Dragons, Owl City...) After the first 10 minutes, the upstairs speaker automatically shuts off and the kitchen speaker downstairs takes over with this happy upbeat music. In essence, the music pulls the kids downstairs and it really works! The boys are down by 7 am every school morning and hubby and I no longer nag. They've come a long way!

If she didn't see it before, today is the day my resume and letter will be received by the school. I wonder what will happen. If they will laugh and call me? Or right away say thanks, but no thanks? Or just not respond at all? All is possible. I'll just have to see.

PS Great Divide

Actually, the crux of what bothers me is this.

If you say to my friend, one thing about a struggle, she says 'everyone' has that struggle. We are all the same. But then so much of their life focuses on the material wealth that 'everyone' doesn't have. We worked for it, she explains dismissively a la Cadillac commercial and as if nobody else works as they do or they'd have the same thing. She has no patience for the 'victims' she tells me. Was she referring to me? I don't think so, but I'm not sure who she's talking about either. I don't like it one bit but don't bite. I don't want to know.

Death

Last Thursday night, someone on hubby's team wrote to say her BIL was in a horrible accident and she was on her way to Brooklyn. Oh my god, take care, hubby wrote. On Friday, she wrote to say he was in a coma and she wouldn't be coming to work. No problem, hubby wrote. Today, she wrote to say that he had died. Funeral on Wednesday. Hubby wrote, unplug. Don't worry about work.

He is so upset for her. I have never met her and am upset for her. In  a split second, life changes  without warning and someone is gone forever.

great divide

There is no way I would ever be friends with my childhood friend if we didn't know each other from a previous life. No way. I seriously have no idea why they like hanging with us. Every single time we are together, I squirm more and more, and yet we continue to go out of obligation and for the kids, really.... I just. Don't like her. There. I said it. Maybe we are the diversity that they need in their life. Their poor friends, relatively speaking. A special needs kid, public school kind of family, highly educated parents but not millionaires, not hedge-fund types, trust fund kids or those who made a killing in the stock market or real estate. No nanny or babysitters, no designer anything, the kind of people who need to work to pay their mortgage and save for their future. But you know what? Just maybe we have a little more money to spend more conspicuously! But no one would ever know and I would never ever tell! And this is where we are worlds apart. Hubby and I are serious savers and good value for money types.

I am honestly not jealous of their 10K+ a year country club or their house they've funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars into, or their trips to Paris or the Equinox spa they always drive off to. I really love my town pool ($330 family membership) and our uncluttered, uncomplicated lifestyle. I'm proud of the things we have and that we save for things we want. I politely look at all of their architectural plans on the house, specs about furniture and lighting and oooh and ahhhh. I compliment their daughter on being a straight A student and engage on every subject they bring up. But what I have a problem with is their overall materialism. How everything we talk about evolves around bought things and status. Including the elite private education for their children and how their kids will benefit from college recruitment that is unparalleled by any public school, she claims. Even if that's true, isn't that a rather obnoxious thing to point out? She lectures me on everything like I couldn't know better than her. Does she talk to everyone like this? Or does she reserve it especially for me? Does it make it worse that I'm not competing? Or that I'm clearly not jealous? I don't know. But it's increasingly tiresome and awful. One day, I might snap.

Today, Belac had a 3 hour play date with one of my piano students. Belac happened to be home just as this lesson was finishing up. The boys started talking and then went off to look at something. Why don't you just leave him? I said to the parents, they're having fun. The parents are totally sweet, though a little weird and off themselves. The boy is high functioning on the spectrum. I brought the boys to a playground where they spent hours making up rules to an elaborate game, different levels for discrete tasks with a ball on a play structure, with countdowns, bonus rounds, and a lot of amazing and unprovoked encouragement and cheering on from each other. It was the most beautiful kind of play ever. EVER.

My childhood friend would not have had the capacity to appreciate any of this, their being, first of all, not the right kind of people. It's impossible to explain to someone who wouldn't get it on their own. And so I just don't. It's not worth the aggravation over something that matters so much to me. Funny thing is, she thinks we are their best friends!

therapy session no. 1

So Belac, I thought we could ---

You know what? Belac interrupted. There is this kid in my class that says he's the best at everything...!!

Is he a friend of yours?

No, not at all! He's so annoying... And you know what else? There was this kid that passed by and asked my friend!! How come you aren't in the other classes?? And he pointed at all the other classrooms!!! It was so embarrassing!!

Their class is smaller, I interjected quietly...

And what did he say?

I just am....  And kids tell me I'm weak. I am weak. And they leave me out. Actually, I don't even know what they are talking about. I don't pay attention because I think about other things.

It's easier to think about other things, isn't it? Like it's easier to think about things in your head than try?

No. I mean. I try to pay attention, but there are too many things that I can't stop thinking about. Things get stuck in my mind.

Oh my God. I took a deep breath and told myself I wasn't going to cry. I was floored at how this was all spilling out of him. Stuff that I knew. But I was not expecting Belac to take me so literally about spilling his guts to this Doctor so she could help him sort through his feelings and come up with solutions.

The doctor looked at some of his drawings. Wow, she told Belac, these are amazing! Yeah, thanks, he said, as he explained the chicken nugget characters in a drawing. I think I'm pretty good at drawing.

Why are you here today? Was one of the questions on a form I turned in.

Belac needs help navigating the middle school social scene. He is a very high-functioning kid on the spectrum who has become very aware of his differences. He really needs to be more confident and content about who he is, learn to frame situations in a more positive light and to let go of negative comments or insinuations from his peers. He otherwise has a very supportive family and a tight, social base of 3 die-hard friends. 

Never thought I'd ever say this in my life. I always thought therapists were quacks and out to bankrupt you by reading into every little thing. How else do they stay in business? I also believed them to be an unstable bunch themselves. But today I'm putting some of my eggs into this basket. In part because I took this therapist aside and gave her the nth degree, revealing my deep seeded skepticism about what she could really do, and because you know what? I have no choice.  He is this amazingly talented, quirky and well-intentioned kid, with an increasing self-awareness that is so important but so deeply painful in what it has revealed to him. He has the deepest desire to be accepted, and that's not always going to happen, isn't always happening. I hope she is able to help him.

goals

Goddamit, why can't I take off this weight?? Hubby is telling me to make a new goal. It should be about my health. Run the 10K in 65 minutes instead of 71 this year. And my response is, weigh 10 lbs less, this year.

I am lazy. I am on that treadmill 3 miles a day, almost everyday, but I'm not running the whole time. And I'm on 0% incline. I should be sweating and out of breath. But I'm not. So if I want to run the 10K in 65 minutes (and lose 10 lbs) I'm going to have to run faster, run outside on hilly ground, and be smarter about what I eat.

Today Belac has his first session with his new CB Therapist. We are signed up for 12-16 sessions with several super specific discrete goals. I should do the same if I want to get anything done.

And off to the treadmill I go.

ugly news

I bumped into a mom at the store on Friday. She almost didn't tell me, but then it came out. Her daughter has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Over issues with her diabetes. The mom looked terrible. I hugged her.  I found out today something horrifying. It's not over diabetes. I heard the 6th grade girl tried to kill herself.

Actually, I heard a lot of things today and yesterday. Perils of living in a small town. So much of what I heard was upsetting. And this is what I want to say before I go to bed.

I cannot forget that loving and appreciating my boys and being there for them is the most important thing I can do as a mom. Their emotional health is so important, and matters more than anything. ANYTHING. I can get caught up in their success (or lack there of) in school. The way they present themselves. How they appear. But nothing is more important than making time for my boys and loving them unconditionally.

hot dogs and soda

Belac 4/2014

The phone rang. It was Ethan.

Gimky? I have great news!

Oh yeah?

Belac finished his lunch before me!

Wow. What did he eat?

Hotdogs.

You are such a good influence on him, thank you so much! Have fun! And be careful walking home...

I had dropped Belac off for a playdate earlier. Dot asked, can they go into town to the hot dog stand? I looked at her and was speechless. With a smile frozen on my face, I tried to calculate how many blocks from her house that was and tried to envision every cross street. 

They will be fine, she reassured me, Ethan is great crossing streets and very careful.

I have no money on me, I protested meekly.

I have money, she said. Let him go, they will have so much fun.

And that is how Belac came to walk into town with a friend, today, go to a restaurant and order himself a soda and a hot dog for lunch. It could have happened with no other friend than Ethan, a kid who is so street smart and articulate beyond his years. What an incredible friend.

ongoing search

Belac 4/2014

I am back to the drawing board and looking for a design firm. I'm done with the flaky understanding of this problem I'm trying to solve. I need a bunch of very skilled thinkers that thrive on challenges and creating things that haven't been done.

Now studying portfolios at company websites and found two that look interesting and relevant. Both companies are based in Boston. One designed an incredible site for a museum, it's both beautiful and artistically interactive between museum and visitor. The other designed a platform for a massive on-line MIT course with a breathtakingly wide array of interactive functionalities, but presented in such a crystal clear, succinct way.

Excited to have found both of these companies that seem to provide the relevant substance I'm looking for. Wonder what they would charge me.

the missing piece

What does a girl need to do to get results?

I've been running/walking 3-4 miles a day,  3-7 times a week since January 21. That's almost 3 months of regular exercise. And zilch has happened that I can see.

I'm sure I feel better. But I still need to squeeze into clothes that fit just fine, last summer. I'm still carrying the 5 pounds I gained by eating all that fattening stuff I fed Belac. I thought they'd fall right off with all the exercise, but they haven't. Obviously, I'm still consuming too many calories.

I have a bunch of fancy degrees and awards, I've been playing, teaching and busy. However, despite almost 2 years of sitting through at least 30 hours a week of ABA, Floortime, Speech, OT, Social Skills and Family therapy, reading a lot, consulting with so many teachers and doctors, getting to know a lot of kids and barking up all sorts of trees since then... it still does not change that I lack a Special Ed degree. What I do have are testimonials from parents of not so easy to teach kids. Enough? I don't know.

It's kind of funny. If I had to send in just 3 reasons why they should hire me, those 3 things appear in OTHER SKILLS AND INTERESTS. The after-thought that I couldn't squeeze into the 1st page but matter more than anything else, in my opinion.

1) Strong proficiencies in sight reading, transposing, playing by ear, improvising, transcribing and arranging music

2) Avid reader on topics regarding the emotional and educational needs of developing children and adolescents

3) Parent of 2 creative kids, ages 11 and 13

Obviously, I can't stop running, but there's something else I should be doing that I need to figure out.... And as for the job, if I get the second opportunity to interview, I really have to understand what they need and want before walking in there and teaching a class.

a little prayer

5/2010

What I have is good and I could coast along nicely til kingdom come. But it's time to grow and I want to stretch and put myself to good use in an expanded, new way.

Said a little prayer before hitting 'send' to my updated resume and cover letter, revised and tweaked 100 times over. 

Pushing ahead with the business and hoping. 

Seeing what happens.

cover

5/2010

I hope to send my cover letter and resume, today. I need to eloquently acknowledge my unsuccessful attempt 4 years ago and show objective growth since then. It's tricky. My last cover letter to them was seriously the best 3 paragraphs I ever wrote, but I obviously can't send that again. This is what I have so far:

Dear So-and-So,

We met 4 years ago when I interviewed at Bridgeway for a teaching position. The kids' enthusiasm and  great vibe at the school really impressed me. I recently read that there is a new music teaching position available at Bridgeway and wanted to submit my resume for consideration.

Once upon a time, teaching kids with learning differences was the furthest thing from my mind. But then I had my own children - one of whom I soon found was a unique learner - and realized that I had to become the teacher they needed. What began as a one-time visit, bringing my violin to my son's nursery school class, turned into something monthly, then weekly. I grew with my son's peers as I learned to understand their individual challenges and to appreciate and run with their strengths. Now, nearly 8 years later, I run a wide variety of music classes and lessons that include all kinds of kids.

I would love to teach at Bridgeway because I want to become better at what I do and to bring the joy of music to more students.

It would be an honor to meet with you to discuss this opportunity.

Thank you so much for your consideration. Please see the attached resume.

Gimky

more discussions

Just got off the phone with a favorite web design firm. As expected, the 360 hours of work over 4.5 months offer the bare skeleton of what is needed. Hopefully I can get them to throw in a few of those other options at minimal cost, however, it's not lost on me that you often get what you pay for. I also realize that I don't fully trust any firm to truly do what it takes. I'm not selling a phone service or shoes, something so straightforward and traditionally marketed. I'm selling a community. A mentality. Unless the web designers have the appetite to understand the emotional impact of each design choice, the service will flop. There absolutely cannot be Google ads, for example. I don't care about offsetting the cost over the short-term enough to violate parents with one more thing someone else thinks they need to buy! Not to mention that it would wholly undermine my credibility. Whoever we choose needs to be willing to work with me and get in the mindset of families, and I'm just not totally convinced yet.

What's the worst that could happen? A year or two of college down the drain. 2 brand new cars.  But what if it's a game changer? I ask myself. What if I can help facilitate a more meaningful and substantial connection between parents and other parents and their providers? Done right, I think it's a very valuable service. I needed such a tool 8 years ago, and continue to need it today! And I think there are a lot of people like me out there, searching for connections and looking for help and willing to share.

Hubby has been listening in on my conversations and has told me that he has been taken aback at how focused, reasoned and clear I have been. That I have even convinced him that it's time.  When I put aside my fear of risk and failure, I do believe I should try.

Reapplying

4 years ago, I applied for a music teaching job. It was at a private school for learning disabled kids in Manhattan. One spring day, I taught a couple of classes there and spent time getting a feel for the place. I liked the quirky kids, the part-time schedule, the overall philosophy of the school, how rigorously thoughtful the teachers were... It was a place I could see myself sending Belac if I had gobs to spare. I wanted the job badly. It was the best fit of anything I had found and I was so excited. When I was finally told I didn't get the job, I was devastated.

Just weeks later I started a certification course at NYU. And who was my professor in two of my classes? The main music teacher at this very school where I had wanted to teach! The first few days were hard for me, the smiling and niceties was painful and I had to behave as if we had never met before.... And then she needed a pianist for the 150 piece chorus and a conducting class, and then she realized I could sight read anything she put in front of me and it was easy for me to help her during the rest of the course. One day she told me about her own son. I  eventually said something about mine. And then one day she was having a very bad day because her son was acting out. We became friendly that summer.

Towards the end of the course, I entered the bathroom just as she emerged from the stall. Gimky, she said without warning, everyone loved you. She walked to the sink to wash her hands and kept talking. If the school were replacing me, we would have hired you. But because this was a position in addition to mine, the thinking was that going with someone much different from me and from a theatrical background would be enriching for the kids. But, you know... I've been in touch with the school, you and I have gotten to know each other and... you really get it. I just hope we made the right decision is what I tell them.

This spring, 4 years later, I saw the very school was again looking for a part-time music teacher. I thought about it but I was too busy practicing to give it much thought. Besides, they didn't want me before, why would they want me again? Well, this morning, months later, I found another ad in my mailbox. The school is still looking. What kind of person reapplies for the exact same job they were turned down from? Do I still want that job, anyway? You know what? The truth is, I do. I don't want any job at any school, or any more private students. But THAT job and THAT place and those kids and those teachers.... That's an environment that would stretch and enrich me. Not to mention its a part-time job that does not conflict with my other goals.

Today, I work on my resume.

god parents

Jake and me

Talked to hubby and we both right away agreed that we would take the boys if that's what you decided. We feel honored that you thought of us. I told hubby we have to redo our will, too.

Thank you! And whatever you decide is good with us. We love the girls. Whether or not it's official, and no matter how old they are or what the circumstance, our home is always their home.

You good with it? I asked hubby. Yes, he told me, we are so lucky.

family bonds

Belac

But are you sure that they'd want to come to me? Was her question. Well, I asked Jake, yesterday, who he felt he could talk to if he really had a problem. Of course he said me and hubby. But then he also said you. I saw her eyes widen. I asked if there was anyone else, and gave him some other ideas of people, but those were the three he stuck with.... You know, when Belac has a problem, he can talk to almost anybody about it. Jake is different. He obviously trusts you.... She hugged me, you are going to make me cry, she told me, I'm so honored you asked me.

I also caught up with Soo, today. By the way, now that Brian is much more stable with the meds, are your parents in law more forthcoming about helping? No, she said. You know, 2 weeks ago, the day before my surgery, Brian was not feeling well. I was like, shit, what am I going to do if he doesn't go to school tomorrow? Our sitters work during the day. I asked my MIL and she really wasn't comfortable. She doesn't know how to deal with him and I understand it. I'm glad she's honest. But my FIL, who is more confident, said he would if we really couldn't find anyone.... And you know what happened? J offered. I was really so amazed and touched. He offered to stay home from school and take care of Brian. Amazing! I told her, wiping my tears as she looked away. At 14, this kid was offering to take care of his brother, by himself and in a way very few people felt confident. He is an amazing brother, I exclaimed. Yes, she agreed, yes he is.

3

I read somewhere in some psycho babble today, that a well-adjusted child has 5 good adult role models. This tidbit was cited in the context of preventing young boys from becoming violent. Of course, I started counting. Of course I wondered, do each of my boys have 5? Do relatives who live far away count? Or close people we don't see often? Or friends we see often but don't exactly interact with the kids much? What does that mean?

I asked Jake. If you had a problem who could you talk to? He thought about it a while. Like, who do you think are your role models if you had to have 5? It was me and dad. Another pause and then, Kati. Anyone else? How about Monsieur French Teacher or Science teacher? He looked at me perplexed, we tell jokes but that's all... Mom! he later added, when we bike with Robin, he makes these funny sounds whenever he passes anyone - RRRheeeewwww! Like a race car. Okay, then, I thought. So maybe Robin, too.

I feel we should ask Kati and her hubby about being the kids' godparents, as we are now in the process of drawing up a will. The boys love their aunts and uncles, but they are far away and practically speaking, they have Kati who is in their home environment and at a time in their lives when they aren't so far off from becoming adults. Better that if something happened that they remain in Sunny Patch among our friends and schools that know them. I also feel that Kati understands the boys on a very deep level and that she can handle them. She pays attention and makes time for them. She told me, once, the day she realized that Jake had come to finally trust her after so much time, and how she just felt and appreciated it knowing that he didn't easily let people in. She has a connection with both boys. For all of Kati's personal qualities and so many other good reasons, hubby and I could entrust her with our 2 most valuable treasures. It's remarkable and we are lucky. Neither of us anticipated being able to find all of this in a friend.

My kids are not isolated. Our house is always bustling with music students and their parents who've gotten to know my boys over the years, and friends, coming and going. Each of whom are role models in a way. Hopefully that was the point of the study cited, just to not be an island unto oneself. But even so, 3 is better than 2, right?

text from synagogue

Dear Gimky, I'd like to use two of Belac's drawings as the cover of our Haggadah, do you think he would mind? I don't want to embarrass him, but his artwork is amazing! Do you think it would be ok for me to use them, and to put his name on the cover?

I'm sure he'd love it! I replied. Thanks for asking.

control

It occurred to me, last night, that a status post I wrote that turned into a debate about gun control, was in the end, maybe not about gun control and what it appeared for one person, who ended up being in the heart of the debate. Maybe it was more about this person needing help with his own child and not getting it. I'm not sure. But I read the 45 comments over several times, and I just couldn't make sense of it. I don't understand the words he put in my mouth.

Last night, I sat Belac down and we talked about what happened in Pennsylvania. I told him. That 16 year old boy now has ruined his life because he could not control himself and because he did not ask anyone for help. Because he went into a crazy rage and could not control himself, he went and stabbed 20 people.... OH MY GOD! he exclaimed, his eyes almost popping out, did those people die?? No, I told him, they did not. THANK GOD!!! he exclaimed.

Belac, if you EVER feel rage or the need to hurt somebody or the need to do something bad to someone because they did something bad to you.... those feelings happen, but you MUST come to me or dad or go to a grown up for help! Do you hear me? If you ever feel overwhelmed with anger or like people don't understand you, the FIRST thing you must do is seek help from me or dad or your teachers! Do we have a promise?

My dream for you is to grow up and be a great movie-maker! And to have great friends, maybe a couple of dogs, too! Dogs like Bailey, he added, happily. Yes! I agreed. But this dream for you will be ruined and you won't be able to do any of this, if you ever physically hurt anyone, got it? Even if you for a split second think that someone deserves it, if you physically hurt someone, your life will be RUINED!

This 16 year old boy will go to jail, I continued. No one will ever completely trust him again and he will be supervised and not free for the rest of his life. People will be scared to hire him for a job or to be his friend, he will have trouble finding someone who wants to marry him... NO MATTER HOW BAD HIS LIFE WAS BEFORE, BECAUSE HE WENT OUT AND PHYSICALLY HURT OTHER PEOPLE, HIS LIFE IS NOW FOREVER MUCH, MUCH WORSE!

If you ever have a problem, Belac, you must remember to come to me or dad. We will always, always help you. But go out and hurt someone and it will be too late for dad or I to help you. Do you understand? Yes, he answered me solemnly.

Do I think he's going to do something like this? No. But I can see school being hard for him socially and it's my job to make things explicity clear with him. That. And never ever having a gun in the house. In fact, they should be banned from the households of all teenagers!

Jake

me and Jake, home in NYC

Well, she told me, you aren't exactly not carrying around anything with you, are you? Have you ever thought about therapy? But maybe that's what your blogging is for you....

I had just lamented that my kids need me so much when they have everything from me. How was it that I turned out totally fine while not getting certain things growing up? How was that possible? Don't you ever wonder, Ella, how you might be totally stronger than how your own kids turn out?

I've been thinking about this conversation for weeks. And it's true. I did turn out fine. But like Ella pointed out, I am not exactly without my own baggage. I have spent significant time, here at least, trying to understand parts of my childhood and my relationship with my mom, in the context of trying to have a balanced relationship with my own kids. Throw in some special needs and living in metro NY and that balance point can be ever more elusive at times.

Things have suddenly been a lot better for Jake. Is it the warmer weather? Running, everyday? The conversation with Dr. Ashton? Just a little more time...? I don't know. We haven't started any interventions, but he has lately been much less forgetful and much more self sufficient. And you know what? Happier and more confident, I see. Could it be that I've been really making the effort to be more productive and positive? That I'm happier with the other pieces of my life, the piano playing, the teaching, the running, and now the prospect of starting the business.... and that the desire to act, not react, has trickled down? That my more hands off approach due to the necessity of my recent commitments is giving him the space he needs to grow?

Jake met me at the door when I got home, yesterday afternoon. What are you laughing at? I asked him. Mom, do you realize that you ask me the same questions everyday?? First you ask me, how was your day? I always say fine. Then you ask, how was running? And I always say good! Then, what do you have for homework...? It's like, funny! It's the exact same conversation everyday!!  Okay, then, so let's get started: how was your day? I asked him, to which he just laughed.

The thing is. Maybe I was more self-sufficient than my boys at their age. Had to be, earlier, so I was. Maybe in some ways I was more proficient or successful in school or at least, I got by more easily. But on the other hand, I don't think my boys have ever doubted my love for them or how important they are to me. Their baggage will be about something else other than me, I think, or their dad, for that matter. And I for one should know that's significant.

My FIL told me once that my main job as a parent is to love my kids and do everything in my power to keep them away from drugs. I originally protested this as not being enough, but over time have come to agree with him. It doesn't mean never getting mad at my kids or not holding them to a certain standard, but this loving and taking action out of love has turned out to be a valuable and clear guiding principle for me.

verdict

Everything in coconut oil. Lots of butter and fats in everything.

Chocolate cake, everyday, and warmed in the microwave.

A recipe for chewy oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies as meal supplement at lunch/recess.

That's it? That's it.

He's at 0% for weight, 3% for height. He is tiny for his age and it has been causing him increasing emotional distress. At what point would you recommend a formal intervention? I asked. When he falls off his own curve, she replied. He's still growing on his own curve, she pointed out. If his bones are 4 years delayed, does that mean that puberty could be 4 years delayed? Yes, came the answer.

Belac, I want you to know something. When I finally started growing to a more normal height, she told him, I realized it didn't make me prettier, smarter or any better a person. You are perfect the way you are now and will be no more 'better' when you get taller.

It was fine she told him that. I understand that and recognize the valuable lesson. But he'd feel better about himself if he were just taller and more 'normal' height. There is a valid emotional toll on someone who already has social difficulties fitting in with his middle school peer group.... But I'm really going to try to believe everything will be okay, as she said, and that he is simply a late bloomer. Everyone says, after all, that Columbia Presbyterian is the best, right?

animation

a new responsibility, packing lunch 4/2014

Belac's animation teacher told me at pick up, today, that Belac's animations were of "almost commercial quality." He is really good, he told me. Also that after 8 weeks, Belac's animations were bordering on mini movies, but that he was really trying to get Belac to work shorter and on character development. He could see that Belac goes into his own world during class, but that he was trying to teach him discrete skills in shorter assignments. At least this is the goal for the next 8 weeks.

All the way home, Belac talked to me non-stop about his current project. I could barely follow but could see he's onto another something. I'm just glad that his creativity is so much his own voice and not simply mimicking. It's an incredible window into what's always going on up there.

From Art Teacher

Belac, summer 2013

Hi Mrs. Snowflake!

Thank you so much for your e-mail and for your kind words. :) I am thrilled to have Belac in my class - he is so sweet and is one of the most talented students I have had all year. Belac is excellent with detail and with coming up with original and complex concepts for his artwork. I would love to show you what he is currently working on.

So far, I have only seen his drawing skills, but he is phenomenal, and is definitely well more advanced than most his age. For Belac, I would recommend an after school art class, or perhaps a Saturday art class. The School of Visual Arts (in Manhattan) has an excellent Saturday art program for talented young artists around Belac's age. Also, Mr. So and So, who currently is teaching art at the high school, has his own after school art program of which I have only heard great things. The Jacob Burn's Center also has an animation class that I feel Belac would enjoy.

I hope this helps and thank you again, Mrs. Snowflake, for reaching out to me! Please let me know if you have any other questions or concerns. Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week.

- Grace

Reference Letter

popped up next to our driveway 3/2014

Hi Cindy,

We miss you all at the elementary school, too. Can’t believe the kids are growing up so fast. But knock on wood, it’s been a very good year for both boys so far. Belac has grown so much these past months, and has become much more independent, dependable and accountable and his main teacher, Mrs. Prego, is just first rate!

As for Lulu, she is one of the most organized, trust-worthy persons I know.  She is very detail-oriented and follows up with everything. If she says she will be somewhere, she’ll not only be there, but early! She holds herself to a high standard in everything she does and is extremely reliable and accountable.

Our boys, Belac and Ean, are good friends and they often play together. I don’t let Belac go just any where, but know that when he’s at the Lulu's house, he is in good hands. Lulu, when we were just becoming friends, was curious about Belac and wanted to know what his challenges were that necessitated his needing an aide. She simply asked and I simply told her, there was no big fanfare and it was just easy. Nor have I ever felt that she wanted to deter our children from being together because Belac might have some challenges. That’s not always the case with just any parent. Furthermore, I know 100% that if there is ever an issue during one of our boys’ play dates while at their house, 1) she would be proactive about remedying whatever was going on, and 2) that we could easily talk about it.

I have also seen Lulu manage 8 boys in a birthday party, starting at a pizza place in town, an arcade outside of town, and then back to her house. Every point was thoroughly planned and thought out. Another boy that was part of this party, continues to have a designated aide this year and is not very independent, so she didn’t have just the ‘easiest’ kids to manage. However, that her son wanted this boy at his party meant he was invited to the party and she had no problem overseeing all of them. I also noticed she made sure that the boys helped themselves to food and drink, cleared their own plates, kept track of their own items and made sure all was in order, without actually doing it all FOR them.

I have seen Lulu affectionate with her children and really listening and ‘there’ for them. However, what makes her quite suitable for being an aide, or for any other position she might consider at the school, is that she generally does not get carried away or overly emotional or easily take offense. She’s analytical and tries to see a situation from all sides. Maybe it’s because she is the youngest of 12 children! :)  Lulu is wonderful. Had she been Belac's aide, he would have been in really great hands!

Hope this helps, Cindy!  And I hope to bump into you soon!

Gimky

To Art Teacher

Hi Miss Amazing,

I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. I know that Belac just began Art with you and he's been looking forward to it all year long!! Mrs. Former Art Teacher and Mrs. Aide really sang your praises when we were at the elementary school.

It's the first year that Belac does not have an Aide and is in the Modified Class. He seems to manage well and his area of difficulty is mostly attention and tending to be rigid. However, drawing is such an important part of his life. He draws everyday at home during his free time and we have hundreds of his drawings, posters, cartoon strips and picture books that he has created since he was young.

If you ever have any advice for him or have any ideas of how to enrich his drawing experience outside of school, I'm always all ears.

Thanks so much! And hope you've had a good first year at the MS!

Gimky

prevalence

Bailey just turned 8 years old. According to the CDC, if he were a boy, 

he'd have a 1 in 42 chance of having a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

A reviewer came to the concert, yesterday, and introduced herself to me as such. This, after I had just tried to engage a young man in a conversation, about 25. He was very handsome, smartly dressed in a European like way, resembling a young, skinny Yefim Bronfman. He immediately presented himself as awkward and stilted in conversation, in such a way I concluded he was probably on the autism spectrum. Then I saw the reviewer leave with this young man and realized, he's probably her son.

All in all, there were probably 75 people in total there. So there was this young Yefim. My friend with the Aspie kid with Tourettes. The other performer with a high-functioning kid on the spectrum, PDD-NOS. Then there's me with Belac. I mean, there's no telling how many people there were touched in some way by autism....  I wish I could have segued from talking about Robert Schumann and his eventually going crazy, to asking for a show of hands. How many people know someone on the autism spectrum? How many people are related to someone in their immediate family on the autism spectrum? Who here is on the spectrum? How many hands would have gone up...?

The Center for Disease Control recently released data claiming that 1 in 42 boys have Autism Spectrum Disorder. (1 in 189 for girls.) This increase is insane and I just don't believe it. There's no blood test for autism and it's just very, very subjective. But among the older generation, that's a different story and perspective, when the definition of success was not so very narrow. Out of those 75 the other day.... I just wish I could have asked.

Angelo

Belac 11/2013

So he's 12 now, do you think you'll bring him to a concert soon? I almost brought Jake this week end...  It's hard, Angelo told me, because he has Tourettes. What? I leaned in. I didn't hear him, he was practically whispering. Tourettes. What...? Did you say... Tourettes? When did this happen? I never noticed it when he visited us 5 years ago!

We talked a while about the tics he's developed. We had talked about his kid's autism, over the years, but he had never before mentioned the Tourettes. And now I just really felt for my friend, knowing that on top of everything else, it was so hard to bring his kid to any enclosed public space. I fear he will be 50 and still living with me, he quipped. My friend is a phenomenal string player. He is also the sole bread winner, and home schools his 2 special needs children with his wife. He doesn't earn enough for many extras. And here he was, now, just playing one of 3 pieces because of severe tendonitis that had flared up again. He was holding it together but just didn't look good. I could see what was happening.

Listen, Angelo, you need to take care of yourself, I told him as we hugged and parted ways. Lock yourself in the bathroom with Epsom salt and a hot, hot bath and crank up some music.... You know what Belac told me before I came to Boston, the last time? He cried and told me he wanted to kill himself. Oh my God! That's heart breaking! Yes, yes it is.... But my point is, no matter how much the kids need us, taking care of ourselves is a top priority. It's not selfish, it's necessary.... You put on your own oxygen mask before you put on the kids'.... Tell Jenny to call me if she needs anything, okay? And I'll see you in May.

At the reception, I found myself telling an old friend, someone who has been coming to our concerts over 10 years, that I was starting the business. She is a Psychiatric nurse of a small underfunded hospital in Cambridge and we have always had a lot to talk about. And keep in mind, this hospital pretty much serves the immigrants and poor who have nowhere else to go. So it's coming at this from a very difficult perspective. I learned, yesterday, that there is an autistic young adult, there, who knows 5 languages and has a job as hospital translator! He stands while he eats and stuffs his face, and does socially inappropriate things, but he is putting his extraordinary skills to very good use. Amazing.

There are so many stories out there to both scare and inspire. But how to find these stories? To find out what parents did and didn't do or wished they had done? What they'd tell a younger parent? How they figured out opportunities for their kids? That's the problem. There are so many of us with stories to tell but how to access this group? We'd be smart to learn from previous generations and lucky to have our appropriate peers in this. Everywhere I look, there is special needs. No one should be hiding and suffering alone. I really do not care about expert advice beyond a certain point, necessary as it is. Because the prevailing need I'm addressing runs so deep to the core, and is really only adequately addressed by those who have lived it, in my opinion. The families. What would happen if people in this community could find each other and help each other more directly? I'm determined to figure it out, to build this tool that I have wanted and needed for 8 years, so we can each share, even whisper while being heard, Once Upon a Snowflake....

Turbo fish

My cousin and I shared a turbo fish, last night. And then I helped him figure out what meal he was going to carry out. Wifey is a saint, you know? Yes, she is, he agreed.

Shes's really smart, you know? He was talking now about the woman he was bringing food to.

I know.

If I had just married Hirori, none of this would have happened....

I know.... I liked Hirori, and I always felt you really loved her....

I was stupid.

Well, you weren't ready and it wasn't right at the time, otherwise it would have happened.....

Before I left him to go back to his apt, and he to wherever, I asked, do you have a will? He didn't. Just promise me right now, okay? Promise before you leave for Taiwan, Switzerland, AFRICA...!  Promise me that you leave a note leaving your entire estate to your children and wife. Okay? I'm sure you can download something on the internet.

Okay, he shrugged. No, I'm serious, I told him. I'm calling you on Tuesday before you get on that plane.!

I don't know what apartments he bought what people, how his many practices are going, how many past girlfriends he currently employs or is helping with green cards or what kind of life insurance he has, but the least he can do is make sure everything goes to his kids.

Bon Voyage

Off to Boston to rehearse and play a concert.

Leaving kids with hubby. They have grand plans for a burger dinner and a movie tonight. Everyone doing their thang. It's good.

Mercedes

He had just gotten his EKG. We answered a ton of questions. We got off topic after I revealed to her that Jake's brother was on the spectrum. Mostly, we talked about Dr. Ashton, someone who sends her office a lot of patients. Between you and me, the doc said, I think Dr. Ashton has something himself. No question! I told her. But he's brilliant and a real heavy weight, someone who comes at this from pediatric neurology and his own personal experience. Oh, I didn't know, she said, his kids... are...? I think he has kids who are lucky for his dad, was all I would permit myself to say, and he's the only doc who I am certain reads as much as me. And he really cares about his patients! she added. Yes, I confirmed, he really does.

Hey buddy, take your shirts off, she instructed Jake, when at this point we were really supposed to be leaving. She turned to me, I'm going to give Jake an echo. I know he doesn't have bicuspid aortic valve, but I'm going to show you. I won't charge you or bill the insurance. Let's just go look!

And there it was. She showed me what looked like a Mercedes logo on the screen, a cross section of this artery that was Jake's. His heart looks strong and beautiful! she told me.

Good news.

I took her card. And into my database she goes.

thinking

Arrived to the meeting, where Principal and Teacher were waiting for me at a table. They stood when I arrived and I approached each of them with open arms and hugged them. I'm so sorry, they each told me. I'm so sorry, too, I agreed. We should have sat down months ago. But let's push the refresh button and just talk about things....

Came home from the meeting, having left a note for the usual Thursday crew that I was going to be home late. I was shocked to step in and hear the Lego Movie Soundtrack on full blast and kids singing along at the top of their lungs, laughing, Belac among a bunch of friends I didn't know would be there. There had been ELA testing, that day, so no study hall, and more time to kill between school and Hebrew School. These kids and their parents, frequent visitors, knew they were always welcome, and here the kids were, unannounced but probably having texted their parents about where they were. Even my first piano student had arrived on her own and was very early and had joined in. She was eating the chips I'm sure her mother would never approve of. I saw that they had helped themselves to cookies and milk. Oh hey, Gimky! one kid greeted me, dancing with a Nerf gun, how's it going? Where have you been?

I love these kids. How could I sell this house before Belac's and these kids' bar mitzvahs?

Still. Getting ready for bed and talking about a story we read in the NYTimes about a 57 year old guy blowing through his savings and retirement after losing his job. I asked hubby, does that scare you? Sort of, he said. I mean, hubby is 43, not exactly 57. And he does A LOT of grunt work for someone at his level relative to others at his company. Still.

The advice from many commenters was for this 57 year old guy to start his own company. It was seen as the only way, at his age. The other prevailing comment was that this guy must not have saved very much if he blew through his entire retirement and savings in one year....

If we moved to Charlie's house and you kept your job for the next while, I pointed out, we'd be significantly farther ahead. Better prepared in more ways than one to weather a terrible storm. I saw our oil bill, today, it's astounding what we paid to heat this house for one year. I never paid bills like that when we lived at Charlie's....   Hubby just listened as he flossed, "crammed" for his dentist appointment on Saturday. We could make the place nicer. We'd put in an IKEA kitchen and get someone to build some closets for us.... The kids would still come by. We'd be right in town! And catch them heading from school to the pizza stand with their friends. They'd probably throw their backpacks on our front porch as they passed. I know the house is smaller and in some ways not as nice, but there are also really special things about that house we loved and we'd make it nicer if it were ours....

You don't think we'll move to White Plains?

If we didn't have a feasible option in Sunny Patch, we would definitely move to White Plains. But now there is potentially Charlie's house with the apartment, of a size, price and property taxes more similar to something we'd consider in White Plains for retirement.... So if staying in this town and enjoying this lifestyle into the future is a priority, along with helping Belac stay in this community he grew up in, near the film lab, close enough to synagogue, where he can live in a nice place, in a secure and convenient part of town, a block from a train and all the stores and the movie theater, where he can have independence without ever driving...? Then we can't afford to not buy Charlie's house. Even if it's premature. There's nothing else like it.

We'll miss this house, but we'll make the other one nice, I reassured hubby. The kids will continue on with Sunny Patch schools as usual and they'll appreciate living in town, again, especially because they're older. When Jake brings home friends from college, he will have the convenience of being across the street from the train and restaurants. We'll never need a 3rd car....  I'll also plant a new tree out front for shade in the side yard.... That's what I'm thinking.