Resolution for good

Day 10 of trip, last full day in Taipei and the first family squabble. I was not directly involved but witnessed. It involved a sibling, my mom going for a "walk" despite not having her purse and my father following close by without jacket. The problem always begins when you measure up someone next to your mind's ideal. What should be if only.... I have run into this problem at some point with probably every person in my life. And I don't know what has happened at my almost-42 years. Maybe I have mellowed out, lowered my standards, or simply just accepted that no one's perfect and there is no ideal. Of course, it's complicated with kids because without holding some standard, how can they learn? Belacs teachers in the 'typical' classroom, this year, have a long laundry list of his challenges and are concerned. He has a hard time measuring up to the neurotypicals. The special needs instructors, however, think he is doing just fine. He's keeping up academically with assistance and in some way he is a 'success' story. Which viewpoint I take depends very much on the day. Problem is, people in 'real' life don't see where he has come from. People in real life hold a standard. I stand by in horror as a college classmate rages against her husband with Asperger's on facebook. She has successfully convinced her 770 friends that her husband is an utter ASS. How dare you publicly humiliate him? He did at one point successfully court you! Maybe the problem is YOURS!? I cringe to imagine either of my boys being married to such a person.... Could we all just take a moment to look for the good and appreciate what's good?

Sun moon lake

Woke up in the prettiest hotel with the prettiest view, courtesy of my parents. What an amazing trip. About to leave for a boat ride and will return to Taipei tonight. We were so far away from everything these past 10 days. I never once thought about sunny patch. Jake sat on my lap during dinner the other night proclaiming how tired he was. He lay back and I wrapped my arms around him. You're so warm, he told me. After a few minutes he added, I love you mom. What did you say? I asked, half expecting him to say, nothing. I love you, mom, he repeated. Music to my ears.

dear friend

Met a dear friend the other night in Kaohsiung. We went to Juilliard together. We played in Carnegie and in Detroit together. I always practiced my Taiwanese with her back in NY before she moved home, right before september 11. I waited in the hotel lobby for her to drive the two hours to meet me. I watched the door and saw one skinny, black haired girl after another come in. I wondered if she would look the same and how life had treated her. She came for a very brief visit to our house with the hill in 2005, just months before we found out about Belac and our life seemed so picture perfect. We were like school girls when we saw each other, squealing and jumping up and down. She brought bags and bags of fresh fruit and taiwanese delicacies for my family. We caught up over tea. Found out that she's come to grips with not having kids and has thrown herself into teaching and playing. She and her husband had been trying for years. I alluded to some trying things going on with Belac but stopped myself short. Here she could not have children and here I had two, and even if Belac struggles and I tear my hair out, I would have him all over again in a heart beat. I have 2 great kids. Before she left, my friend wanted to see my mom. I forgot how she knows my mom. They had not seen each other since 2001. It took awhile for my mom to come to her hotel door when I knocked. She is sick this trip with walking pneumonia. They chatted and hugged. Then my mom told my friend she is not doing well. My friend was so kind and encouraging to my mom and kept saying that she would be okay and should rely on the strength of this 'beautiful family' that would surely see her through. I saw my mom with such a look in her eye that I had not seen. My mom looked scared. As I walked my friend to the elevator, she told me. Gimky, your mom is so sad!! She is so sad! You and your sisters need to encourage and support her. If she can't walk just walk slowly with her. Be with her. I felt my eyes fill up. My friend always had such an intuitive sense about things. Was she warning me about something unspeakable she sensed? I know, I told her, I am really making an extra effort. I know my parents are not getting any younger.... We hugged and hugged and I weeped. Good bye for now, dear friend.

Lesson learned

Surreal to be here and speaking with Taiwanese natives, thousands of miles from home. Strange to think that my Taiwanese is really no better than it was since my last visit, twenty years ago, maybe even worse for lack of any real practice. But this time around, I talk and converse far more easily and meaningfully with others. It underscores what I have learned from trying to help Belac during his 8 short and long years. Having the words is not enough and to a certain extent, not even necessary. Communication is a mindset.

It is everywhere

Went to a singing concert at an aboriginal community, which we drove hours to hear, yesterday. We were far south, off the beaten path and in the middle of nowhere in lush, tropical surroundings. The music was soulful and had passion and so much energy. Loved the womens' voices. The songs were like negro spirituals, I was so shocked and moved. I also stared at one man the entire time he was up there. He was tall, beautiful, and had long, lean, smooth legs. He had the clearest, brightest voice of all. But he also sang everyone else's part under his breath, was slightly off with his footwork and there was just something... off. In the second song, he had this beautiful back and forth solo with the chief, and I saw the chief look at someone else after the solo was done as if to say job well done. After his big solo, the man did not come back, he was done. My sister asked afterward. What did you think? Did you notice that guy in the first 2 songs? I pointed out. I am sure he's on the spectrum! And amazing that he has this community. My sister laughed a little, surprised. I didn't notice, she told me. Well, there was a man, i thought he was the best one and I am sure about him.

Taiwan

On the train from Hualien, home of the Mua chii, to Tainang, home of the hot spring. If I am like my grandmother, without even being taught, the way I smile, the way I laugh and the way I am with people, without even having been around her, despite my strongest daily role model having withdrawn most of my life, and was so much not this way instead hot tempered and unreliable, then who am I to think I can change my son? Does nature ultimately win over nurture after all? After all this, will we be at the same place we'd be had I done nothing? The thing about this trip to Taiwan is that I see how everyone is so outwardly focused on what is novel and new.. Actively noticing what is different. But almost all of my energy is focused on getting Belac to focus outwardly and do what comes naturally to most. Look at the ocean, it's so pretty! Did you see that cow? Look at this rock! Doesn't it look like sushi? Can you find me a rock? How much of this prodding will stick if it is simply not in his nature? But what choice do I have but to just push him along and believe I'm making a difference?

The difference

My dad, older sis and I were the only ones who made it past 8:30 pm last night. We sat at the hotel bar nursing drinks and noodle soups. Belac looks like he's doing okay, my dad mentioned. You think so? I asked, I am not so sure. He was quiet, my sister sipped her glass of wine. The difference between Jake, Zee zee and Belac, is that Jake and Zee zee have a desire to please people. Whatever challenges they face, they can be convinced in a way and they care about what others think. With Belac... It's different. He doesn't see himself and he is so stubborn about what he will and will not do. You know what I mean? Yes, my dad told me, I can see that.

LI hai

We all met my dads eldest sister for lunch at a Japanese steak house. She ordered us a private dining room, where we had our own washroom and the kids could roam around. Afterwards, we had coffee in the cafe part of the restaurant and I sat myself next to her. You know, I told her, it's been 20 years since I was in Taiwan and last saw you. And it was 32 years ago when I last visited your house. I know because Meina was pregnant... I asked about her and my dads childhood house, the last place i saw my grandfather when he was 95 years old. She explained that the house was now rat infested and abandoned. You visited at the end of the best years, she told me, shaking her head. She told me how cute the boys are. I told her how the little one in vague terms keeps me busy. He just came when you called him, she noticed, can't be so bad. You're right, he is generally a good boy, but he drives me crazy at times... I rolled my eyes and chuckled. (I really did miss out on having this aunt and the rest of my dads family in my life.) Somewhere in mid conversation she told me, you really remind me so much of my mother. And in all of these years you haven't changed a bit! Yes, I know, my dad has told me how much I look like grandma. But I have changed! Not only do you look like her, its the way you hold yourself. You have her same laugh and good, easy way with people. You have a big heart, just like my ma-ma. There was no time to ask more about the real Gimky. I was speechless and felt the urge to weep for this family I had not known. How old are you now? She asked. 42. She nodded and patted my hand with her arm entwined in mine. How old are you? 83, she told me. Later when we were hugging on the street corner, it occurred to me that it might be the last time we ever see each other. You are... I hesitated, not finding the word. My aunt knows not a speck of English. Dad! I called over to him. What is the word for amazing? He thought about it. Bay bi. Not bad? Are you kidding? I mean amazing! He thought about it some more. My aunt waited expectantly. My sisters and mom laughed thinking about the right word. Finally my dad exclaimed, LI HAI. That was it. I told my aunt, you are amazing. You are LI hai. Next time you talk to Meina, tell her we called you 'amazing'. She will agree.

sign off

As I prepare for our trip to Taiwan and sign off for the rest of the year, I want to express my gratitude for the cards I've been dealt and the people in my life.

I'm lucky to be married to a good guy, the best, actually. I'm lucky for my 2 kids, both who have demonstrated the ability to love deeply and be kind. I am lucky to still have my parents in my life. I'm lucky to be close to my sisters. I'm lucky for the school we can send our kids to and for this roof over our heads. I'm lucky for my friends. No matter how you look at my life, I am one lucky girl and I am so grateful.

Another child at Sunny Patch Elementary lost her mom two days ago. The mom had been on life support for weeks after a short and fierce battle with cancer. This makes the 5th Sunny Patch mother who has died in the past 2 years, leaving behind husbands and young kids and an astonished community. All of these mothers left children who are now in 3rd grade. In Belac's homeroom class, alone, there are 2 girls who lost their mothers.

All to say, you never know when your time is up or when life as you know it will change (for the better and worse). When others need a hand, I always hope to be able to give mine the way others have for me. It's how the world goes round and round. Enjoy the now and the good stuff, no matter how small. Don't wait. Love your family, love your friends.

Wishing you peace and good health in 2012.

teacher gifts

Once you start, it's hard to stop and boy, do we have quite the army.

$10 Dunkin Donut cards to Jake's 6 teachers: Science, Counselor, PE, Band, Chorus, Librarian
$25 BB&B card to Jake's homeroom teacher
$10 DD cards to 2 crossing guards
$10 DD cards to 2 school monitors at Belac's school
$10 DD cards to Belac's 4 teachers: Science, Music, PE, Art
$25 Visa cards to Belac's IEP help: Reading, Psychologist
Chocolate $12 and class book donation $15 to Belac's homeroom teacher
$50 Visa card to Belac's Aide.
Chocolate $12 to Hebrew School director
4 - $15 blank book/calendars to 3 Hebrew School teachers and Belac's new Aide

Total: $365.

Happy Holidays.

(PS: It's 375. I forgot Belac's speech teacher.)

Sandusky

The allegations against Sandusky disgust me.  Even more upsetting is that no one went to the authorities, not even the person who claims to have seen a child being raped. No one investigated. No one defended these vulnerable boys and no one put a stop to what was happening. No one did anything but protect this sick man and spare themselves the inconvenience. All because he was a football coach?

What bothered me most about Jake being pushed into his locker is this very thing. No other kid stood up for Jake and said, Hey! Stop it!

We live in a society that is more and more 'to each their own' and it's bullshit. I want my kids growing up and standing up for what's right. I don't want them to be scared to speak up or even duke it out if necessary. I want them looking out for other people besides themselves. And I want them knowing they can make a difference. Otherwise, what's the point?

There was once a time I didn't think I needed anyone. I was a very proud person and had everything under control and didn't need anyone for anything. But then I had Jake, then Belac, and my world changed completely. I need kind people in this world and I want this world to be a better place for them.

If these allegations against Sandusky prove to be true, he - and just as much all the others who did nothing - should go straight to jail. There will always be sick people in this world, but how we react is our choice. We, as parents, need to teach our children to not be passive onlookers. We need to do the right thing!

soft

Ipad arrived, yesterday. It was sitting in a box all day and hubbie went right at it upon coming through the door. He registered for this and that, fussed with the settings, all was fine. Then I saw him downloading PacMan....

Look, we aren't using this for games! I told him, the kids are going to use this to learn stuff.

Gimky, we're going to be on a plane for a long time....

I pushed Belac upstairs to get his pajamas on. I don't care! You're creating problems for me. The kids are going to be bugging me about the games and I'm going to lose control of that thing!!

Back and forth we went with me hollering down and getting myself worked up about whatever (I thought) he was downloading.

Mom, why are you mad at dad? Belac asked.

Open your ears and listen, you can figure it out, I told him.

When you go downstairs, will you still be mad at dad?

I went back down to the dining room to check on Jake, who was finishing homework. Was he... crying? He was crying!

What's going on?

Why are you fighting about the ipad? he sobbed. You always tell us not to fight over stupid things and so why don't you just throw the ipad out if you're going to fight about it? 

I could barely understand a word through his sobs as I put my arm around him.  My husband entered into the room and we just looked at each other, wide-eyed. 

Look, sometimes we're going to fight, Jake, but then it blows over. And you're right, it's over something stupid but this happens, sometimes, to the best of us....

I asked my husband later. Did you ever cry when your parents fought?

Never, he told me, and my parents fought a lot. We don't fight a lot, Gimky, the kids are not used to it.

I never cried about my parents fighting, either, and they fought a lot! Oy, hubby! Our kids are so soft! 

time

Had 30 minutes with just Jake, this morning, and we whizzed through his flash cards for his tests tomorrow. I re-laced his shoes with longer laces. He packed his bag.

Do you know where my fleece is? he asked. Check the hooks outside your room, I suggested.

Not there.

I thought about it. I know where it is! I saw it in the trunk of the car!

What? Jake asked, in the trunk?

I think dad took it on our hike and forgot to take it out.

We went out to the car and Jake laughed at the sight of his jacket, buried under my musical instruments.

Am I amazing or am I amazing?? I asked Jake.

The second thing you said, he said, while zipping up. He was used to my self-congratulatory antics, especially when it comes to finding things, my most added-value in this household.

See you mom! he called as he ran off to school.

What a nice morning.

not cheap

Stopped by Target to pick up a few things. 203 dollars later.... How in the hell does this happen? A few luggage tags, disposable travel sized items for all, a few pairs of gloves out of the dollar bin, some clothes off the clearance rack for the kids, office supplies, and voila! 200 bucks down the drain.

And this after I went to Citibank and complained in person. We made our first contribution to Jake's college fund since 10 years ago when we first opened it. And guess what? A statement shows they took a 3.48% cut of the deposit as a fee. I was so angry! They already get a managerial fee, what the hell is that all about? How long will it take to earn that 3.48% back? We might as well have stuck that money in a savings account, especially based on this 529's lackluster performance. We definitely need to rollover into a better 529... In the meantime, could you please let me void this deposit if I put the money somewhere else with the bank until we figure this out?? He's going to see what he can do....

And good thing I just took on a new student. Ironed out the details about Jake's math tutoring, today. Mr. Spade felt that one-on-one help would be the most productive for Jake. Are you comfortable with that? he asked. 2 piano students for the math, I calculated. It is NOT CHEAP. Yes, I said, it's fine.

plan B

I went to math night, last night. All of the 5th grade teachers at Jake's school held a meeting to discuss the new Singapore math method. There are 160 students in his grade. About 30 parents showed up. More than half of those parents? From Jake's class.

The problem is so obvious to me. His teacher is not strong. Each teacher got up to present a concept and only Jake's teacher was obviously terrible. She read directly from a slide and then faded into the background. Every other teacher had a personality, but only Jake's teacher said nothing, preferring to not offer up any thoughts or speak up to answer any questions. She is also the one teacher that has never had Singapore math training, as she was away for maternity leave.

One of the moms in Jake's class raised her hand to say that she was really concerned. Her daughter was always very strong at math and always wanted to be a doctor, but now believed she was terrible at math and could no longer become a doctor. Another mom raised her hand and wondered if we were going to feel this guinea pig year in the years to come. This was too much new material in one year and the teachers admitted to struggling with this new method themselves. And you know what? Every single parent who raised their concerns had a student in Jake's class. And it was always another teacher that spoke up to do the reassuring, not Jake's teacher. Did Jake's teacher notice? Did she stop to think that maybe she needs to do better? Probably not, she's not the sharpest.

After the evening was over, I approached Mr. Spade, another 5th grade teacher. I liked his positive, easygoing style. I liked how he backtracked and explained a math problem in a different way to try to help a parent understand. Are you available to tutor my son in math? I asked him.

He was taken aback. You mean, your 5th grade son who goes to school here?

Yes. He used to love math and it used to be his strongest subject, but he's struggling, this year, I explained. In fact, he tells me that he now hates math! I've been trying to look for a math tutor, but no one can tell me with certainty that they can help him with this Singapore math. I study math with him for 45 minutes a day, but we need to do something else! He's lost his confidence, first of all, and this math is really not easy for me.

By now, a couple of parents were listening in on my conversation. Actually, we're interested in math tutoring, too, they murmured. Did he notice, we were all parents from Jake's class?

He was still taken aback but willing to help. I will arrange it, I told him, and if there is a small group of kids, all the better!

Outside, a small group of parents gathered. Did you notice that our teacher had the worst presentation of all? asked one parent. She has no enthusiasm, I heard. She looks like she doesn't understand the material! remarked another.

It's unfortunate, I agreed, but we're going to have to make the best of it. I had no appetite for gossiping about how bad she is. So who's in? Jake is free on Tuesday or Wednesday.... I'll arrange.

privacy revisited

I have some growing concern about being discovered here by people I don't want reading me.

A few weeks ago, someone in Sunny Patch complimented my husband for his piano playing. They had seen youtube clips of him that another unnamed Sunny Patch resident had told them about, and now, apparently, the whole family was watching. It means that my husband was googled and found. It means that my husband's privacy settings were public. My husband shrugged and didn't go rushing to fix anything. Who cares if anyone sees me play the piano?

I don't, however, feel the same way about this blog. If you're in the UK or China or Florida and have no other contact with me, I'm fine with it. But if you're living 2 blocks away from me...? Or if your child is in Belac's class? Or if Jake is in your child's life? Or if you're friends with my mom? I start squirming about the schadenfreude of those either physically or emotionally close to me, pretending to not know anything but knowing just all too well what goes on in these 4 walls. 

The thing is, posting online keeps a writer accountable in more ways than one. The occasional comment makes you believe that your story matters. But I am also not savvy enough, technically, to know how to keep this blog in exactly the anonymous way that I want. So does it mean that I take this off line and keep it private?  I don't exactly know.

Nobody

Nobody loves me
Nobody cares
Nobody picks the peaches and pears
Nobody helps me when I get in a fight
Nobody does my home work at night
When I awake from my night's sleep
I reach out to where Nobody stands
I run a round looking for where nobody was and found somebody each place that I looked
I looked in the closet and down the stairs and I pretty much almost looked every where.
I wouldn't believe it but I had to shout: Nobody's gone!


I found this poem, last night. It's cute and reeked of Shel Silverstein. It just needed a little clean up and a nerdy, unkempt kid decorating the page and maybe a Mr. Nobody hidden in the background. I'd show it to Jake, who I'm sure would relate and find it funny. But, oh yeah. I didn't have to show it to him, it was Jake who composed this.

It was my husband who first suggested I look over Jake's shoulder, when we could only read the first few lines. Do you think he believes what he's writing? he asked. It's made up, Jake told my husband while they later played chess. Maybe, maybe not... I thought.

He's a really good writer, this kid, but not exactly in a 5th grade kind of way. In 5th grade, they want you to write complete sentences with 7 words. They want 3 supporting details of every main idea. And you don't get any brownie points for humor or irony, in fact, there is very little creative writing.

Jacoby: keep on writing, you're so good! But know this.

We love you
We care
We pick the peaches and pears
We help you when you get in a fight
- but here's where you're absolutely right:
We're definitely not doing your homework at night!

mystery of the fruit flies

All week long, there have been fruit flies in my house. Only problem is, I didn't have any food out. I bleached the garbage can. I scrubbed the floor. But the flies wouldn't go away and the problem just kept getting worse. In the back of my mind, I suspected the problem wasn't in the kitchen, but I couldn't figure it out. Then, yesterday, I grabbed a backpack on my way out for a hike. I saw some fruit flies escape. Bananas had rotted in there from last week's outing.

I remember a good friend spent 2 years trying to get pregnant. And then, one day, she started taking her temperature religiously and discovered that her cycle was like 60 days long instead of the normal 30.  They were religiously having sex at the wrong time, and petering out precisely when they should have been going at it. When they finally figured it out, she became pregnant almost immediately. They now have 4 kids.

Wouldn't it be great if all problems had a clear cause and were solvable? But it doesn't always work that way.

I would love Belac to concentrate better, but it's only gotten worse these past weeks. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I shouldn't at least explore what kind of medications there are. But for lack of anything better to do in the meantime, I continue to be obsessed about his getting to bed early and eating well. Same for Jake. But then, last night, Jake had a night terror anyway. The first in a very long time. And then this morning, I got a phone call just as I was leaving to teach. Sunny Patch Union... said the caller ID. Over which child would it be, I wondered.

Hi, Mom.... I was surprised to hear Jake's quiet voice on the line.

Hey, there! What's up?

Mom, I can't find my 50 flash cards and we have a quiz this Friday.

You can't? Did you check your folder? I'll look for them and bring them if you need them. Do you need them today?

Well, no. But it's bothering me that I can't find them. (Why did his teacher let him go to the office to make a phone call about this? Couldn't she have reassured him?)

Don't worry about it, we'll find them. Okay?

Are you okay? I wanted to ask him, do you need to tell me something? But I already knew what he'd say. I'm fine, mom, I'm fine!

in Africa

Beautiful article in the NYT today about listening and remembering that we have 2 ears and just one mouth. Knowledge and information are not the same!

let the games begin!

Last week, my husband wrote me an email out of the blue. He wanted to buy me a gift and thought I'd want an i-pad.

What kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into? What are you feeling guilty about? I teased. By the way, I don't even know what one is except something people waste time playing games on, so don't you dare!!

My husband will tell you that I'm a horrible person to buy anything for. Anything I truly want can't be purchased or is entirely unromantic and makes the giver look like an ass. I am the girl who wanted a snowblower for her birthday. And when one couldn't be had, I continued to want one for Mother's day. (We finally got one for the Halloween snowstorm.) Honestly, we don't need a single thing except to save for the future. I care a lot about not wasting money on things we don't need and want.

But yesterday, I had parent teacher conferences for both kids. Jake's doing fine, but Belac not as well and it was truly disheartening. Yesterday, I heard a parent rave about an app that really helped his struggling daughter with math operations. It's called Math Bingo and apparently she loved playing this game for hours on end. The app costs just 5 bucks, he told me, and even though it's really a math program, it realistically presents itself as a game. Do you have an i-pad? he asked.

No, I replied, but my husband's getting me one.

Thanks, honey!

my story

My friend Soo believes that her son is autistic because she's paying back for something in a previous life. My brother-in-law believes in earning points towards a good afterlife. These are the things people tell themselves to cope. What is my story? I would really like one I could believe in, but the truth is, I don't have any rationalization for the cards I have been dealt. I think it's random and that for better and worse, our destiny is in our own hands.

Honestly, I am burnt out at the moment. My husband came home early and built a fire. I lay on the couch with my feet in his lap and told him, I really don't need or want to go to Taiwan right now. Everyone is so excited about going but I haven't been able to stop and think about it for even a second.

Amazing as it was, we really had too many people over the Thanksgiving week end given that we didn't hire help, both with the cooking and cleaning. I have not yet fully recovered. There continues to be a lot to figure out with my kids. Pile on a concert for me, this week, a concert for Jake, a discussion with the MS Principal, parent-teacher conferences for both kids (and a very disheartening one for Belac), tons of laundry, Jake getting smacked into a locker, a phone call with the bully's mom, a discussion with the middle school guidance counselor, a confrontation with Belac's Hebrew School teacher over some difficult weeks I only found out by accident, all of my usual teaching... and I am utterly and totally spent.

My husband reminded me gingerly as he rubbed my feet. You know, Gimky, this is the week end that Bobbie's coming and bringing her friends. I think they are going to spend the night, tomorrow.

Okay, I sighed, as I stared into the fire.

Once upon a time, a girl married a boy. They had two kids and a big, old house. And despite the fact that they each struggled to do the right things and life was not perfect, people came anyway. Their door was always open and they were never lonely.

The End.

proud

Went to the 5th grade concert, last night. The band and orchestra were endearingly awful, but the chorus was something else. Magical, actually! There's really nothing more expressive than the human voice when it comes to music, especially at this level. I loved the choral director who had an easy, happy and enthusiastic way about him. He had 144 kids up there, exuberantly singing and moving.... there was Jake, dead center, shining his flashlight in choreographed movements while singing about the festival of lights. It made me tear up to see him up there. It was really so beautiful.

Last night, Jake's eyes were already closed as I sat on his bed.

Mom? he said, so quietly I had to lean in and listen, I'm pretty sure that kid just wants to be friends with me.

Really? How do you know?

Well, I think he just doesn't know how to make friends.... He's like... Belac....

I suddenly felt tears in my eyes upon hearing this unexpected observation which never crossed my mind. How did this kid become so wise? He identified this boy's struggle as being his own brother's. Was this recognition the real reason Jake was so reluctant to speak up? We sat quietly for a long time and could hear Belac talking to himself next door. Oy! I can't imagine what we're going to go through with Belac in middle school....

You told me that you thought Belac has a lot of friends, that he's such a popular kid.

Well, yeah, but... 

But he gets a lot of help because he doesn't know how to do it on his own.... A lot of people are friendly with him, but maybe most of them aren't exactly... friends.

Yeah.

You're a good kid, Jacoby, you really are, I told him as I kissed him goodnight a million times. I am so proud of you.

learning to fight

Don't go! Jake begged and grabbed my arms harder than usual. He kept not letting me go and finally after a lot of tries, this game ended and I pulled myself free. But then I just stood there wondering, trying to see his face in the dark. What is going on...?

I went back to sit on his bed. Jake? I need you to promise me that if anyone does anything bad to you, you have to tell me.

Okay.

Even if you don't know for sure that someone's doing something that bad, if it bothers you even a little, you need to tell me. I can help you figure it out.... I also don't care what anyone ever tells you. I don't care if someone tells you that they'll kill you or me if you tell me something, in fact, all the more reason to tell me. Me and dad, we can help you no matter what, so there's no reason for you to be scared to tell us anything.

Why? Because you think you're so strong?

Strong? Like physically strong? I could probably beat up a person or two. But I mean strong because I'm clever and so is dad.... Remember that story you read for English the other day, about the snake?

Yeah.

You wrote that the moral of the story is that you can deal with bad people without hurting them, you can outsmart them. Remember? We can be clever like that. We can be coyotes, too.

Yeah.

We sat in the dark awhile. I was not convinced.

You know, there's a story in the news right now. There's an adult who hurt a bunch of kids your age, they were all like 10 or 11 years old.

Hurt them, how...? Mom, is there such thing as paddling?

Yes, he paddled them. He physically hurt them and humiliated them in the worst way. And now those boys are speaking out, which is the right thing to do because what this man did was wrong. And by speaking out, they are also stopping this man from doing the same thing to other boys! But guess what...? These boys are now like twenty years old!

They are?

Yes. I think they were afraid to say anything when they were younger because they were scared. Scared no one would believe them. Scared of getting their parents upset or of getting blamed, even when they did nothing wrong. Maybe they were told not to say anything or else...! My point is, there is no reason at all for you to suffer alone if something is bothering you. No matter how bad anything is, no matter how bad... and no matter how little, we can deal with it.

Silence.

I was shoved up against my locker today.

Why? I asked, now super casually.

Well, I was just trying to avoid that kid. And he saw me move away from him and then he shoved me into my locker.

Was an adult around?

No.

Did you tell anyone?

No.

Did anyone see this happen?

Yes. There were kids in my class who saw it.

Okay.... I need you to tell an adult immediately if this happens again, okay?

Okay.

I went downstairs and got the student directory and looked up the kid's number. I turned to my husband, if I get the slightest bit emotional, poke me. I called the mother and we chatted. I was very nice and apologetic, but also informed her what has been going on for the past month. Could you talk to your kid and see what's going on? If there's something we need to know, like if Jake hurt his feelings or something, then we definitely need to know. Maybe your son is just being playful, but it's not my son's style and it's actually pretty hurtful to him. The best thing would be if your kid could just stay away from mine, okay? It would be great to work it out amongst ourselves so we don't need to get the school involved, okay? Thanks.

I went back upstairs, again, and sat on Jake's bed. I called the kid's mom and told her that he needs to stay away from you.

You did?

Yes. And he'd better if he knows what's good for him or he's going to have me to reckon with! If he lays a single hand on you or touches you or makes one more threatening gesture at you, you are to find an adult and bring it to their attention immediately. Got it...?  Look Jake, you will feel so much better when you stand up for yourself! You are a smart, good kid! You are good with your words and you can definitely stand up to him and there's nothing wrong with getting an adult involved. You have every right to defend yourself and you have to against a bully. You have to, or he will continue to pick on you.

Mom, can we not talk about this now?

Fine, I kissed him, but I want you to think about what I told you.

My poor kid is stressed out over this twit. You know what? I am going to enroll Jake in karate, again. And I am going to make sure that he learns to spar, painful as that will be for him. If he knows that he can physically defend himself, he will be less afraid.

shaking it up

I can understand why people pray and pop pills. When you feel there's nothing else you can do and you've tried everything, what else is there but to turn to some higher power or pychodrugs. Problem is, I don't believe in prayer and that some higher power is looking out for me. I also won't take an ibuprofen for even the most legitimate reasons....

My husband and I had a serious talk last night. And we wonder if we're going down a not so great path. Fine, it's a comfortable path. But what is happening to our children? What is happening to us? So much effort is spent conforming and at what expense?

We talked about moving to China. I know, crazy. You don't think the kids would end up in some American/British school and be living in an even bigger bubble anyway? I pointed out. Less enthusiastically, we talked about Europe or South America, where there are also opportunities for my husband's work. Same problems but on a larger scale, in my mind. We talked about showing the kids something meaningful about the world outside their doorstep, where people are not so intent on driving their fancy cars and taking their vacations at the 'happiest place on earth.'

This morning, while driving to NJ, I had an epiphany! Well, why not just move to Detroit? Seriously. We could sell our house and buy a much cheaper house in Detroit and live comfortably enough.  There's an autism center in Ann Arbor. Jake could go to my old school, Roeper. People joke about Detroit and roll their eyes at what a depressed place it is. But for the same reasons, it's a place of opportunity. There's room to grow there and room for good ideas. It's America's China. A place where people are hungry and want to pull themselves up. An ideal place to try to start something for so many reasons. I've always had this nagging business idea....

And the other thing? We'd be closer to my family. We haven't been living close to either family for as long as the kids have been alive and I think that's what's been missing all along. Honestly? Crazy and exasperating as my family can be, it would be huge to have them around.

another Wednesday

It's pouring and I'm down.

As I said goodbye to my kids this morning, I felt overwhelmed with worry for them. Jake came home, yesterday, holding back tears. We talked a little but it took an email from his teacher for me to understand what happened. A story for another time. At pick up, I was pulled aside. Belac has been very distracted these past few days, so much so, that even when redirected, he's just having a lot of trouble getting anything done.

Can I ever just catch a breath? Why can't school and coping just be a little easier for my kids? What more can I do? I cook and they always have warm meals, I study with them hours on end, I get them into bed and I sit and talk to them, I try to make sure they are happy, I make sure kids come over all of the time, that my boys have down time, that Jake has interesting things to read, that Belac has a constant supply of paper and markers, that they wear clothes that make them comfortable and 'look' like everyone else, that we go to interesting places... Everything is fine until we leave our front door. School remains such the biggest stress for all of us and we just can't seem to achieve the proper stride for any length of time there. Belac is still autistic and Jake - even despite his good grades - struggles to manage school.

What a pain it is to now run off to NJ in this rain. I am playing a concert with my group today. It's going to take me 1-1/2 hours to get there, and I'm seeing that there are all of these little itty-bitty instructions and turns and curves at the end of the trek. I'm already certain I will get lost. I'm also worried about Jake remembering and making it to the library in time so that Kati can get him to his orthodontist appointment, after school. And this is where, again, I wonder if it wouldn't be such a bad thing that we get him a cellphone....

But as I just poured my coffee, I take a deep breath and realize that it's a good thing, this group, pain in the ass as it sometimes is. Every few months we perform together and I am reminded I still know how to move my fingers. I've known Ella and the other girls since before we were wives and mothers. We are old friends. If it weren't for this shared commitment, how often would we really keep in touch in our busy lives? Would we have lost each other years ago?

Plus, it'll be a little more interesting for me, today. I'm scanning the emails from the director, this morning, who has asked me to introduce each piece to the audience. While I'm not a natural public speaker, I do find it an interesting exercise for me to concisely share something meaningful or interesting about each piece. It kind of spices up the experience of playing the same old same old.

Onwards!

all you can do

Up at 4:30, preparing for a meeting I called with the Middle School Principal and Jake's teacher. As per the CEO's brilliant suggestions, over the week end, I forwarded a list of my questions and concerns in advance to the Principal. I also told the Principal she could invite Jake's teacher if she thought it would be helpful, which she did. Be totally transparent about your concerns, the CEO suggested. By the time we gathered at 7:45, we got straight to business. My husband noted that my tone was almost hostile, at first, but since I was straight forward and made my points crystal clear, he wasn't about to interrupt. That was a compliment to me. He sits in a lot of good and bad meetings....

Met up with Kati, afterwards. She was focused on the outcome of this meeting but we will have to just see. People promise all sorts of things and the truth only comes out in the delivery.  We also went over the terms of Kati's lease, together. She's renting out her house and it's now official. Her family is moving in with us for 7 weeks beginning May 1. They will finish out the school year and then move to California. It made Kati a little emotional, today, to see it all in black and white. She and the kids don't want to move. She warned me that the last time she moved (from Hungary to NY), she had panic attacks. It's okay, I reassured her as matter-of-factly as I could, it's a stressful time and I'm going to be slightly devastated myself!

Caught up with my neighbor, who had her own impossible things going on.

You know what? All you can do is the best you can.

across the divide

Spent Saturday at a bar mitzvah and party. Found myself first at the cocktail party and stuck talking to a couple. I couldn't politely break away. I was also the only one without a drink and no one noticed. In those few minutes, I heard she was CEO of her own company. That she and her husband owned 10 acres of ocean front property and a summer house somewhere else... That she had 2 kids, one at a prestigious private college and the other, a winner of this and that. It all just made me squirm. Despite being the kind of person who can get chatty with anyone, I had nothing meaningful to add and didn't even want to try.

Thank God! I whispered to my husband as we all went separate ways and finally entered the dining room. We got our kids settled, first, only to show up at our own assigned table to find our seats right next to this very couple's! I smiled broadly despite feeling slightly.... burdened, I guess. My husband chuckled when I privately rolled my eyes at him. You know you love it, Gimky! he teased, I'll go and get you a drink.

It must have been meant to be. You know what happened? After a few minutes of making introductions with the others at our table and not making any meaningful connections, I turned my attention back to the CEO, sitting next to me. I asked her about her kids. I asked her more specifics about her job. One thing led to another, and I eventually found out that she runs an internship program at her company for 20 special needs kids from our local high school. They all punch in and perform specific jobs, for which they are trained. She told me about another project in its 3rd year that involves bringing music year-round to the town where she has a summer house, where the full-time residents live in 50% poverty and where there is otherwise no music or art in the schools. How did you do this? Why? Who helped you? It actually ended up being one of the most fascinating and inspiring conversations I've had in I don't know how long.

Later, when the bar mitzvah parents came by to ask how things were, the CEO turned to the parents and said. I couldn't figure out how I know Gimky, but it just dawned on me that I see her all of the time!  I drive down the hill of my street and there she always is, walking with her kids. They're always walking on the stone wall, right, Gimky? And that's how I know her, she explained as she did this sassy-assed walk, and now we've bonded! The bar mitzvah dad interrupted, wait, CEO, can you do that again? And then she shook her booty again as she walked in place.

I laughed along good-naturedly. I obviously don't walk anything like that! Is that how she saw me? You know what it made me realize? We all have our insecurities and we all make up stories to protect ourselves.

At first glance, this CEO was too confident for me and her story threatened me. You're not supposed to be able to have a high powered job AND raise well-adjusted kids. And what could be more important than your kids, anyway, if someone else in the family is already bringing home a ton of moulah? But then this woman turned out to be something. Quite extraordinary, in fact, in how she has meaningfully helped so many people! Her story truly inspires me. And you know, this CEO.... Seeing her do this sassy dance made me realize that despite her fabulous life, she has her own baggage, too. Maybe she regrets not having walked with her kids everyday and kept her life more simple. Maybe she, too, makes herself feel better by her own assumptions of me. Who knows? We all have baggage. But I'm glad I set aside mine, long enough to chat it up with this woman. What a great human being she is.

anonymous

I don't mean to censor you, but... do you know who's reading you?

Hm. I think my sister must have just read Pathology from a few days back.

No one is reading me, I reassured her.

You're sure that Rose is not reading you? You're sure that no one in your husband's family is reading you? Didn't you make an announcement about your blog at one point?

Never! I exclaimed.

But thinking this over, I'm really not sure who stops by. I did tell a handful of people very early on, but my conversations with them hint that they haven't been reading, or at least not very closely. I think my brother-in-law found me because I looked at his pictures while still logged in at google as Gimky Snowflake.... (are you reading me, you crazy Spartan??) I only really know that Ella reads me and occasionally my sister. In all honestly, I came to believe that no one was following me in real life, which is how I came to lose all inhibitions and offer up the juicy details of my family....

If my uncle ever found me, he'd never forgive me. If my mother ever read me, she'd stop speaking to me forever. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I discovered that a whole bunch of people/relatives were reading me in secret. Could I honestly continue on as usual without fear of being questioned or criticized...? Do I really take myself so seriously to think this blog matters anyway? What other option is there if I don't want to hurt people's feelings? I really don't know except to find a new blog title and start all over, truly Anonymous. Or simply censor myself.

Can I just say, though? Blogging has been such an amazing journey of self-discovery for me. This blog has been worth every word to me so far. If you have anything to figure out, I highly recommend it.

growing up

It was 7:47am when Jake and I hopped into the car. He was late to his 7:45 class and I would spare him a few minutes if I zoomed him there. We had all overslept, but I still had him eat a substantial breakfast and solve 2 word problems before school. As I pulled out of the school drive, I had to laugh as I saw the crazed expression on a friend's face as she, too, zoomed around the corner with her son. Are we all just a wee tad worked up?

But there is something so valuable in doing your best to honor your commitments. When I was in the city and freelancing, I definitely wasn't the best pianist. But I always showed up on time, never cancelled, and put on my best face always, no matter how I felt inside. Just those 3 things took me a very good distance. And it's something I really want my kids to learn. You don't give up and you learn to compensate and hopefully shine with your own combination of strengths.

Belac's aide told me, the other day, that when her own daughter had Jake's teacher from last year, her daughter cried every single day for the first 3 months. It was sad to hear, but I was not surprised. Mrs. Pomme was a meanie and at the end of her rope in her last years of teaching. It had been a stressful year for Jake, too. Surely, 5th grade could only be better! But now Jake has a new teacher who has her own set of significant problems and is Mrs. Pomme's polar opposite. His new teacher has not bothered to invest in or expect anything from the kids. She doesn't check work, is not giving homework that is on the exams, doesn't have a personality, doesn't yell but doesn't smile, and has no opinions. She doesn't care and she makes Mrs. Pomme look amazing. It is truly a disgrace. Especially since we live in the kind of district where most of the teachers' salaries are close to 6 figures and over, for the long-timers. What incentives do teachers have to do a good job with tenure and these kinds of salaries, no matter how badly they perform? 

The most amazing thing, though, was the arrival of Jake's report card a few weeks ago. It took years in the coming and Thank God it arrived when it did. Jake earned As in every subject but Math, with Science and English being his very strongest marks. It honestly changed everything for him. You see, he never saw himself as an A student before. Never. It's been the most significant boost to his confidence to know that hard work does pay off at times and how sweet it feels when it does!

Since this report card, I notice Jake stands straighter and carries himself with more confidence. Instead of seeing all of this studying we do after school as his failure, he has come to realize that this is what good students do and what needs to happen to maintain this trajectory. Much to his shock, he is good at school, after all! On Tuesday, when he forgot his math books, he said, unprompted, "C'mon, mom, let's go get the books." It was no longer a source of shame to be seen, going back to school to get things he forgot. Instead, there was a little pride in knowing that he was going back to school because that's what good students do when they forget. And good students need to study, too, that's how they get good in the first place.

I watched him literally zig zag into the school with a spring in his step, coming back to the car more than just a few minutes later. What took so long? I asked him. I stopped to talk to Mrs. Lotto, he told me. So he didn't shrink away, not wanting to be seen, as I had seen him do so many times before. I listened to him retell their conversation. Amazing.

5th grade math

1) A container of glue and 2 staplers cost $20. Three containers of glue and 2 staplers cost $28. Find the total cost of 1 container of glue and 1 stapler.


2) Sarah and Molly had the same number of lollipops. After Sarah sold 16 of her lollipops, Molly had 4 times as many lollipops as Sarah. How many lollipops did each girl have to begin with?


3) A carton with a dozen oranges has a mass of 3105 grams. The same carton with 7 oranges has a mass of 1980 grams. Each orange has the same mass. What is the mass of the carton?


I spent over an hour with Jake on just these 3 problems. First I had to figure out how to do the problems, and I was really stumped for awhile with the last 2. Then I had to figure out how to explain the thought process behind these problems so Jake could both understand and then solve similar problems himself.

I was still trying to figure out number 2 when my husband, the math major in college, finally came home. Honey, I told him, I dare you to solve number 2 without algebra! This is fun, he remarked, it's like a puzzle! But guess what? It was me who figured it out first without algebra. Oh Yeah!! I'm so awesome, I shouted with glee as I stood up from the scribbles before me and high-fived Jake.

Sounds like a lot of fun, right? It would be, except Jake is getting a test on these kinds of word problems tomorrow. Did I mention, his teacher is pulling yet another fast one? She announced the test 2 weeks ago and provided a study guide. There was no mention of word problems and no homework with word problems! Then, yesterday, Jake had a math 'review' sheet that included word problems. They were very hard and he couldn't solve them without my help. Even I had trouble!

I wrote his teacher. Are these word problems on the test? I don't understand, they weren't in any of the homework and not on the study guide you gave....  She wrote back a defensive email saying that they had worked on all of this in class and it was up to Jake to speak up if he didn't understand. Um. You can't just practice multiplication and division in homework and then expect to simply solve word problems like above, even if the solution involves only multiplication and division. The application of these skills is difficult and takes practice. You have to practice problem solving!

UGH. She probably had a look at the math test for the first time, yesterday, and realized there were word problems. We can't go on like this! I have scheduled a meeting with the principal. I'm nervous about getting the teacher in trouble and what she might do to Jake, but this simply can't go on. The only good thing about dealing with all this is that Jake and I have definitely bonded over figuring things out. We really have.