letters

Dear Jacob, 

I feel board without you. We got a canoe for Happytat. When we bring the tent, we can maybe even ask if cousin 1 and cousin 2 want to sleep in our tent. At film camp, I was even pretending to eat a clay omelet! Hope your having fun. I miss you. 

Love, Belac.

*********************

Hey Jacob - hope you had a great canoe trip. Looking forward to hearing about your stories. Where did you go? Did you visit a remote part of Parc de Mont Tremblant? How many portages did you have? I am looking forward to knowing about what friends you're making and what you're learning about the people at the camp. Are you learning how to solo canoe?

This is the week-end of the NYC Triathlon and my brain is already hurting from keeping track of all the logistics. On Saturday I have a mandatory briefing (where they tell us about the rules and what to do for safety, like not tailgate other bikers or trample on people in the water), and then I have to get all the way across town to check my bike into the "transition" area before it closes at 9pm on Saturday. Then the next morning (Sunday, the day of the race), the transition areas open at 4am and close at 5:15am so that we have enough time to walk all the way up to 99th street at Riverside park (very close to where we walked w/ pops & granny when they were last in NYC, by the water) where the swim starts in waves starting at 6am.

I'm looking forward to Happytat, which for me starts on the night of 21 August (a day after you get to Happytat from Camp). I will drive there in a separate car and take the last week of the month off. Hopefully by then you'll show me some cool canoe tricks (or whatever you're learning at camp).

So have fun and remember to be nice & considerate to everyone. And also WEAR THOSE REC SPECS as soon as you get them, all the time. They will protect your eyes from nearly any accident in case one happens. Don't worry, I'll wear mine all the time in Happytat to prove how cool they are.

love, Dad

***********************

Dear Jacob,

Today I saw dad's cuz and handed over your rec specs. She will bring them to Granny when she gets home, and Granny will bring them up on Visitor’s day. Can you believe that after waiting in line forever and figuring out how to pack the rec specs, FedEx rang the whole transaction up and wanted to charge me one hundred dollars to send the glasses up to camp? They said it would take at least 6 days, with no guarantee what hang ups would happen at the border! So I just handed them over to cuz, this morning. I hope you like them! They will probably come in handy for a rough game of gaga. I think they look so cool! You’ll let me know what you think of them.

I think Bailey notices you are gone. He’s been following me around like crazy and behaving in a mopey way! This week end we are going into NYC and spending the night on Saturday because of dad’s triathlon. We will put Bailey in the dog hotel, where he’ll be with his buddy Theo the Cocker Spaniel. I think it will be good for him!  Belac suggested that we have some huge treat waiting for him when he gets back so he remembers where home is and that it's the best place of all.

I have literally hundreds of tomatos growing in my garden. I don’t know how we are going to eat all of them! Nathan and Caroline came and picked all of the red ones, today, and I insisted that they take them all home. We have hundreds more that will need to be eaten! Everything is growing like crazy and I'm very happy, but we won't be able to eat everything fast enough. I will have to ask the neighbors to come by and eat everything during the last 2 weeks of August.

By the way, we have a HUGE hornet's nest growing in the front. Remember how I was stung in early summer? Well, it wasn't a bee but a hornet. Wait til you see the nest, it's enormous!! Still, we are able to be on the patio without a problem, we just can't disturb the nest!

Hope you had a great time on the canoe trip. I can't wait to hear about it. Like if you drank the lake water, what you did when you needed to poop (dad says there's bum wad??) and what you ate the whole time?? The next weeks of camp are going to seem luxurious and be such a cinch for you after all that!

Hope you are having a ton of fun!

Love, Mom

beating autism

Interesting article in the NYTimes today.

I only have to think of Brian, Soo's son, and understand. We were friends when the boys were babies, long before autism was on either of our radars. Each of our second sons received their autism diagnosis within months of each other. We both moved to Westchester County in time to begin services and both boys benefitted from supplemental therapies on our own dimes. In many ways, our family life and what we could and did provide was similar. But Belac made progress in a way Brian did not, and I do feel guilty about that sometimes.

For the second year in a row, Brian - now 11 - was assessed to be 5 years old developmentally.... She tells me everything, particularly about their struggles with his physical and sometimes violent behavior. In return, I am pretty selective about what I share with Soo about Belac. She knows he needs to gain weight and that he told me he wanted to kill himself, this past year. (And she suspected he was just being dramatic and I ended up agreeing with her. He won't hurt a flea....) She knows he is keeping up with grade level material with a lot of supports and that he has a few friends. It's enough what she knows.

And you know what? A few months ago, I met Soo's mom and siblings for the first time, all in from Australia. I noticed that Soo could not really find the words to describe Belac's issues to them when trying to express the close friendship we had developed over our boys. I understand that, because maybe Belac doesn't really look so autistic any more? The family needed only to look around. Our older boys were off with the other kids in the basement, Belac - nearby - spent hours building lego with one other kid - albeit half his age but they were interacting, and Brian was with us, by himself with headphones....

Cuz asked today, so what does he have? Asperger's...? I didn't really know. At 2-1/2 Westchester County suspected autism. A Westchester neurologist confirmed the same. According to Columbia Presbyterian he - at age 5- he had 'atypical high functioning Autism, not Asperger's' and in their explicit view, Asperger's - not what he had, they emphasized - was regarded as the highest functioning form of Autism. Dr. Ashton described Belac at 10 as having ADHD, inattentive type on paper but elaborated in person that he exhibited varying degrees of autistic traits.

Last week, I met my high school friend, an artist at a museum downtown. And one statement of his stuck out for me in describing work these days, that you have to be able to work collaboratively. I really agree with that observation and in fact, believe this is true in most fields.... I sort of feel now that Belac is going to do well "enough" in school and is smart "enough," but that it's the social skills that require intensive teaching/learning, effort and experience. And it's why I schedule play dates like Westchester parents sign up for academic enrichment....

I'm so grateful for Belac's progress. Whatever he has and whatever it's called, I'm just hoping he 'makes' it.

cuz in town

butterfly bush out my window

Off to the city. Hubby's cousin is in town from Canada and she is celebrating wifey's 40th birthday for a few days without the kids. We're having brunch at my favorite place near my old apartment.

I was going to treat them, anyway, but now have leverage in not accepting any arguing about it. FedEx wanted to charge me $100 to send Jake's glasses up to camp, even over the 6 days it would take! Instead, I'm hoping she'll drop the glasses with my MIL in Montreal, who will later bring them up to Jake.

I met a number of cuz's boyfriends over the years. Eventually (finally) she met wifey and has been very happy. She bore 2 of her own beautiful children with the same sperm at a bank and her parents became wonderful grandparents. There are many paths to fulfillment and I'm glad she found hers. She's a great girl!

Jake up north

There are rocks you can stand on, at this point in the lake, where the water is way over your head. Hubby once told me, a long time ago, that if we were ever separated that we should meet on those rocks.... Here, last week, Jake was looking for those rocks to stand on with hubby nearby.


I know I open myself up for ridicule and risk being summed up as - I don't know what - a mom who lives for her kids? But the truth is, I miss Jake. My son. He's off the grid, I've never really been away from him since he was born and we've had no contact. I'm not worried about him and for 100% sure, I'm so happy he is at camp and way up north where the air is intoxicatingly sweet and crisp at night and you can see all the stars! It's really just him and how he wants and tries to make his experience and relationships. It's an amazing gift at his age and an important experience. But the truth is, I do miss him. He sees the funny and unusual in things, he shares and he's very thoughtful. I'm not counting down the days and being ridiculous. But I have to admit, home is just not the same without him. At all.

proud!

Just called Jake's camp to verify the mailing address for his rec specs I'm sending up. And it's how I found out that Jake is on a canoe trip in the wilderness!

It means that he left Monday and is coming back Friday. It means they canoe for long stretches everyday in many different lakes in the wilderness and carry tents, bedding, clothes and all of their food on their backs. It means setting up tents, making fires and cooking someplace new every day. Protecting their food from animals. Keeping track of their stuff. Sometimes carrying 50-60 lbs on your back through the woods to the next lake, as the counselors each carry the canoes on their shoulders. Occupying themselves always under the big exposed sky, come rain or shine. Cleaning and bathing in the lake, not to mention drinking straight from them. Pulling your weight in every which way as part of a team. It's 5 boys, 2 counselors and 3 canoes, on their own, and in the middle of nowhere. Amazing!!

I am thrilled to hear this news and am almost teary. I'm so proud to know that Jake signed up and went on this optional trip. He didn't choose the 3 day, nor the 7 day - I think his 5 day choice was perfect. He has come such a long, long way since those nights of terror and scary dreams....

Go Jacob, my sweet, amazing kid!

ho hum

How much of this can I get done in 6 hours?  Logging off....

Run

Clean out basement storage

file health insurance claim

call to understand dental bill

pay bills

bring stuff to good will

call the web design company

call Formosa lady

compile music and exercises for classes

clean, sort and count instruments, order what I need

touch the piano

White Plains

And then my mom and I looked at apartment listings together. I have figured out that if they want to move closer to me -without living with me - then White Plains is where we need to look. My dad has expressed interest in a more pedestrian friendly lifestyle, in particular. There's nothing affordable or appropriate in Sunny Patch, especially coming from the midwest, but there are many more options in White Plains. There are elevator buildings in the downtown area with covered parking and very easy walks to the mall, shopping and restaurants. A metro north station with a 35 minute train commute to Grand Central. White Plains hospital in the heart of it all. Taxi stands. And I can be there in 15 minutes or less by car. Not to mention HPN is 10 minutes away and has direct flights to Detroit. White Plains is not quaint like Sunny Patch, but if they can find a suitable apartment near Harvey Tumure park, it's more affordable and offers the convenience of everything.

I sent my mom 3 listings. One was "done" and the others showed promise. I noticed she didn't say no right away, as usual. The thing is, my dad turned out to be really sick, last week, and is only now slowly recovering. The flu became a urinary tract infection, which was not treated soon enough, and so this bacterial infection spread and became a very painful epididymitus.... They are very attached to my younger sis and nieces and wouldn't be leaving Michigan, but having an apartment in NY gives my parents interesting options.

We'll see what happens, what they can afford and what decisions they are comfortable making.

the house

Charlie and I talked for almost 2 hours at my kitchen table, yesterday. I listened to the story of how those 3 houses came, over time, to be theirs. It's a beautiful story. We talked knowingly about the unwieldy access to each house, how the landscaping might change to accomodate, what could be amended to the titles for piece of mind. I looked at plans of the house we once rented, architectural drawings showing how to repurpose space in this multi-purpose dwelling without adding square footage. I was totally fascinated and awed! But the thing is this, which I didn't say and remained poker face about. No matter how you slice it, I think it's really not worth buying just one house. First of all, they are ultimately inseparable given all the piggy backing on each other's properties for access. And second of all, it was really too expensive what he was asking for the one house, and for that we might as well stay put where we are. How he'd really make a killing is to convince his brother to sell his share, and put all 3 houses up for sale. A developer would surely snap it up. It would be the largest piece of land in the village and on a corner. Someone could make store front below and condos above. But we just don't have that kind of money or appetite for risk.... I found it kind of crazy he was talking to me so openly about all this and made me wonder how we appeared.

Still, the idea still lingers about buying 2 of the 3 houses as owner occupied rentals, even if pricey. We would have options for renting out portions of each house (fully occupied currently), options for the kids in the future, and just simplifying our life by living in town and never needing to drive, in a smaller house with lower maintenance costs. Even moving into an apartment while renting out the bigger pieces if need be. We would essentially be banking on the stability of the schools, house prices rising and our ability to raise rents over time.

Today, I dropped by Charlie's old house. New renters are moving in and Marlow and family are moving out. They'll be without a kitchen for the next 2 months - waiting for our exact IKEA cabinets and counters to be installed - and asked to borrow our convection-microwave oven. Do you mind if I see the back office? I asked her. I looked around carefully. Despite it's kind of sorry, faded state it showed a lot of promise. It could easily become a 1BR apartment, tone room could fit a grand piano nicely.... 

We thought long and hard about it, too, Marlow told me, interrupting our quiet, it's compelling! I know, I smiled, but he wants too much money, doesn't he? Unless you're planning to develop the properties to try to make a killing, it's just too expensive. 

Hi Jake!

hubby tri-training

I was happy to see a photo of you on the camp website today! You looked happy walking with a bunch of guys! I also saw some photos of kids with their blankets and bandanas. What is that all about it? Looks fun!

I picked up your rec specs, yesterday, and am sending them up. They look blue and beautiful!

Dad is gearing up for the NYC tri this wknd. Belac and I hope to see him in action, but this is much more complicated than Lake George. Remember we could stay in one spot and see dad go in and out of the lake, bike and run? Well the NYC tri involves locking his bike at 79th St the night before and a security lecture downtown. Early Sunday, he has to check his transition stuff before 5am at 79th. Then takes a shuttle bus - in his rubber suit, cap and barefoot! with 4000 others - to 99th, where he jumps into the Hudson River at 7. Then swims back and runs 700 ft barefoot to 79th, bikes a big loop and back to 79th, then runs to and around Central Park, finishing at 59th. He still has to return to 79th to get his stuff, but at least he'll be wearing proper shoes! I'm thinking we need to stick a gps on dad or we might miss him! What do you think?

Do you know that the pros are so hardcore, some race all 3 events wearing nothing but a tiny swim suit with padding for the biking? It looks pretty funny. Some racers save even more time by running out of the Hudson and basically jumping onto their bikes where their shoes are already clipped on! Also, there are dogs who race the 10K alongside their runners. There's some pretty crazy stuff going on!

What is your favorite part of camp?

Belac is loving film camp (and missing that you help walk the dog everyday!!) Every night, we wonder what kind of adventures you had during the day. We're glad you're enjoying the outdoors and something totally different from Sunny Patch. I wish I could be outdoors and somewhere beautiful for 4 weeks!

Hope you're having a ton of fun!

Love,

Mom

what a day!

The good news is, the purple bump on my back is nothing to worry about. The dermatologist who saw me specializes in oncology and was trained at Sloan Kettering. So despite the fact it didn't come off, I am inclined to believe her in that it didn't need to come off.

It's 11:20pm and I could only just now get on the computer. It was an interesting day I can't even begin to explain. My mind is a swirling.

stuff

Kati: How was Jake's drop off? Tomorrow I can go with you if you want me to?

How is that for someone who totally understands me even though I said basically nothing to her.

Me: It was good. Just got home. As for the bump, I will try to be brave and not be such a baby. Free after 12:30 tmw and will call you. Maybe we can have coffee... We should plan our visit to MoMA in the nxt weeks.

On the way home, hubby and I talked about what it should cost to buy Charlie's house to make it worth it for us. What it would need to cost in order to rent out all the units of both Charlie's and his mom's house to make it financially feasible. What it would look like in an ideal situation over the long term if we owned all 3 houses! But could we realistically pursue any combo of this?

It is just wild. Before I could even call him, last week, Charlie had already left me a message. He's coming by, tomorrow, with all of his papers on the houses. We're going to talk about things.

Dear Jakey,

We just arrived back in Sunny Patch and already miss you. However, dad just said that he was sure you're having a blast and Pops thought Camp looked so fun, he was jealous he couldn't stay himself. Isn't it so cool that there is Gaga and ping pong tables everywhere? And an indoor place to kick around a ball on rainy days? I think that's amazing!

How is the food? Do you have "bug" juice and dessert? Where are your bunk mates from? I met one from Toronto and he told me he's been going to this camp since he was 7 years old! When is your canoe trip going to be? So exciting!!

I told Granny and Pops that you would like karnutzel and Hershey bars on Visitor's day. If you need anything else, let me know and I will tell them. As soon as your rec specs arrive, i will send them up.

On another note, we brought a camp canoe home to Happytat! It is so beautiful! I hope you learn how to canoe well so you can show everyone how it's done! The camp director helped secure the 16 ft canoe to the car with fancy knots! What a sight, this huge thing as long as the Rav4, sitting on top of it! You can let him know it got to Granny and Pops' house safely without falling off!  And maybe you can find out about those fancy knots he used. It was incredible how secure the canoe was in the 2 hour drive on the highway home. Needless to say, Dad drove slower than usual. Granny will show you pics when she comes for visitor's day.

Belac says: When Jake wakey cakey in the middle of the lakey, but the lakey is fakey, they call it a Jakey wakey cakey lakey fakey. We got 3 paddles for the canoe that we can smack you with!

Dad says: I can't wait to hear about your camp stories. I'm tired of telling mine. Maybe soon when I kiss you goodnight you'll tell me about your stories instead (but don't worry - I'm not asking you to put me in bed & kiss me goodnight...yet!)

Hope you're having fun and enjoying the outdoors!

Love, Mom, Dad and Belac

1st night

Arrived to camp and found his tent. Jake chose a bunk and I helped him roll out his sleeping bag and make his bed comfy. He was going to be with 4 others and a counselor. There was a book in French laying on the bed next to his. We wandered around. There were ping pong tables everywhere, outside and under awnings, and a Gaga pen with kids playing and kicking up dust, his favorite. He joined in on some ping pong while hubby and I went to find and say hi to the counselor. When we passed and I saw him fully engaged in a Gaga game, I told hubby it was time to say goodbye while he was busy and having fun. We hugged like we'd see him tomorrow and then Jake was back in the pen, fully engaged, not looking back, and pushing around a ball with the others.

The place is bare bones and crunchy granola. Everywhere boys, rugged terrain and the smell of adventure. Last night, it poured through the night and I thought of Jake in his tent, hopefully comfy in his pjs and deep in his sleeping bag. He's my outdoor, nature, animal loving kid. As long as there isn't some annoying character in his bunk, there's no way he's not loving it. 

O-Canada!

Pulling up in the dark to a dark house, we were tired and shivering in our shorts. It was in the mid 50s and all I could think was, thank God I bought Jake some long sleeved shirts to sleep in. It was really sinking in for me what his sleeping in a tent means.... Made some beds, got the kids tucked in and then went out in the pitch black through the wild meadow to a bench.

Oh my God! I exclaimed to hubby, look at this sky!! It was lit up with stars in a way you could never see in the city. I also saw my first ever shooting star....

Jake will be still 2 hours northwest of here. It will be even darker, cooler and wilder. It's going to be other worldly and absolutely amazing. And if not, well, I will hear about it in the form of a sentence he'd never ever utter in his right mind: P.S. I miss your bean salad. 

the bump

always drawn to the water, that's the Tappan Zee

Did you get your bump checked?? little sis asked.

The 28th at 9:15.

I told hubby I would make another appointment if it needed to come off. Gimky, he insisted, if it needs to come off, have it removed right then and there. Don't wait for this doctor to see you in 3 weeks.

Yesterday, I saw Kati for the first time in 3 weeks. They had just taken a big road trip cross country to Yellowstone, it was their last family vacation before her eldest goes off to college. We stopped by for a few minutes to hug the girls good-bye enroute to Hungary. Jake would not be seeing the eldest until Christmas.

So when do you work next week? I asked. Tuesday and Thursday, so let's meet up! I will be lonely without the girls! And if hubby is called out of town while I'm not working everyday, I'm moving into your guest room with the dog. I don't like being by myself! So not Monday? I confirmed. No, she told me. Well, I have this thing on my back... A thing? Where? Show me, she stopped as they were loading up their suitcases and I was pulling the boys and Isa out of their front tree. They were now late heading to JFK and we were slowing them down. I can't easily show you and have to take my shirt off... Anyway, I might have to get it removed, well, my sisters say it needs to come off, I don't know, I shrugged. Let's talk, she told me.

I'm NOT going to miss you Gimky!!!! Isa hollered after me. Aww, I went back to her and kissed her, I'm going to miss you. Have a good trip! She smiled and whispered, I was just kidding, I'm going to miss you. I know, I said as I squeezed her, and don't forget to kiss grandma for me.

privates

view of the not-so-little-city from Westchester

Jake was 6 years old when he went to the local town camp. It was a place where they swam at the pool 2 times a day. And even though it was right there and a day camp, I was a little concerned. Hubby, I instructed one day, you need to talk to Jake. I want you to tell him that no one is allowed to touch his privates!

What...? Gimky!

I'm not kidding! He's changing out of wet clothes at least once a day and he's just a little kid. I mean, who knows how they do it. No one is allowed to touch his privates, no adult is allowed to be just standing there watching him, he should be told that if he feels the slightest bit bad about anything he should tell us, no matter what, even if someone tells him not to. 

Oh my God, Gimky...!

But hubby must have agreed because he later did it. And you know what Jake asked? Well, why would anyone want to touch me down there?

What a can of worms. It's hard to have these discussions without scaring a kid. Saying enough but not too much. I would have been tongue-tied or said too much. Hubby is good on his feet and replied, I don't know but it's not right. If anyone touches you, you have to tell us.

Today, we are bringing 13 year old Jake up to Canada. He will be gone 4 weeks and sleeping in a tent at an all boys camp. In the middle of nowhere, to a place where he (and we) know no one. There is a camp wide ban on all phones, devices, electronics, (and firearms, though not pocket knives) with the intention of enjoying the outdoors completely. I love that. But... what if there is a problem?

This time, Jake and I already had that discussion for the hundredth time. He understands. And despite being fairly easy-going, he has pretty good judgment about things. This time around, though, I want an additional agreement between us. Am I going to sound absolutely crazy? Because he is an 'international' student, the post card he writes home each week will be .pdf'ed and sent via email. And I just want us to have a secret code for an emergency. If I see a certain phrase or an icon drawn on the card, I will know something is seriously wrong, the kind of wrong you can't spell out explicitly without being censored or raising eyebrows, and I'll know to show up at camp and pay him a visit, you know, just cuz I was in the area 9 hours from home. Or better yet, I'll send his crazy uncle D from Montreal he loves so much.... Nothing bad will likely happen, but I sleep better at night when I have planned for the worst. I just want Jake to be able to tell us whatever he needs to while he's away.

reservation

Okay, so now it's ended on a bad note.

Mom: NO don't do that, that was jok, also dad can't do it because he's working on Friday & till very late, also both of us sick we can't eat.

Me: See how you feel on Friday! Older sis and I both did it bc we couldn't be with you and we wanted to do it. Little sis sees you on Saturday. It's perfect!!

Little Sis: Whaaaat? Why would she say that? Like they can't go out on their own??

Me to Older Sis: FYI, I told mom that you and I made a birthday res for her. It's for Friday at 6pm at seafood place. Not concerned about being reimbursed but let's stick to this story, ok? I think it's imp't that they go out.

It had crossed my mind briefly that I should make sure they were going out to dinner, tonight, but I didn't. They had a such a nice time when I sent them out for dinner on their anniversary, last year. (Actually, just looked it up. It was my dad's birthday in December. Now there's really no excuse I didn't do the same for my mom.) They kept sending me pictures of their meals. I should have remembered!

happy birthday

The kids and I made a big hoopla for my mom on Facebook today. We sang happy Birthday with percussion instruments and piano. And because we couldn't post on her wall, I posted on my own and tagged a dozen people. I later called with hubby and kids to sing another Happy Birthday.  I asked her if they went to dinner. "I'm washing dishes!" she sort of laughed, "you didn't make us a reservation this year with an unlimited bill! But it's okay, mostly dad is not feeling well..."

Oh.

My dad got on the phone. He sounded serious and not himself. He went to the doctor, today. You should rest up, I suggested. I'm not sure how much it helps, he replied. It was determined he had the flu.  You know what happened? he told me, the doctor came in, his whole head was shaved and he was wearing a mask and stood far, far away from me. He didn't know, maybe I had an infectious disease.

Wow! Who was the doctor?

It was Dr. Klein, my doctor. But he didn't look like himself. I thought maybe he was undergoing chemotherapy! But he assured me that he was balding in one spot and he'd rather just have no hair than have hair missing in one spot.

Oh. Well stay hydrated and I hope you get better soon, Dad. Back on the phone with my mom I wished her a good dinner with little sis on Saturday. And then getting off the phone, I looked at hubby. I feel bad. I bought her a 'slimming' bathing suit and measured her for it while she was here. She likes to shop for clothes when I'm with her because I help her find flattering things to wear for special occasions. And then this suit was out of stock and I spent hours trying to figure out what else would look good.... It arrived at her doorstep, today, and it was nice and fit her!And she was grateful. But it's her birthday.... Will they really not do something special on their own and together unless someone else does it for them? It's not about the money, they have money! Did my dad at least write her a nice note? Or is that not what Asians do or just not what my parents - in particular - do for each other? I don't mind buying them dinner, it's the least I can do. But it's like they don't know how to celebrate these reasons to celebrate together.

I went and got my credit card. I called a seafood place that's not too far from their house. My mom is 68! My dad is going to be 78! You really need to celebrate birthdays when they happen. And they still have each other, reason enough for a little fuss.

Me: By the way, you have a reservation at Rocky's on Friday at 6pm!

Me: Dad has time to get better so he can be hungry. Don't forget to order the chocolate dessert early, it takes 20 minutes.

Me: You should order some good food and have wine! Happy Birthday Mom! xxxx

26 years

a 13-year old's 4 weeks of stuff

Yesterday, I brought the boys to NYC and we visited the Natural History Museum. I texted my old high school friend who works there. And guess what? We met up under the whale as my boys ran around. We had been in touch, but I hadn't seen him in person in 26 years. Wow, that's kind of a big number, come to think of it....

Over the week end, I went to Alyssa's for a bbq. It was her 15th wedding anniversary and her parents were in town for her dad's back surgery. It's always nice to see her parents, who have become very chatty with me during my adult life. I appreciate their very positive and compassionate outlook on life. And it was in this context, I finally heard what happened - over 2 decades ago - to a childhood friend of ours. Alyssa would never ever whisper a detail of it to me over the years. To her admirable credit, she is not a gossiper or one who suffers from schadenfreude, she's one of the few in this world who will take certain disclosures to the grave....

There was a Taiwanese kid who lived in my town of Troy. He went to U of M and was in some elite double-degree Business program. He was like the 'catch' of our small immigrant community. I never cared for him and thought he was full of himself, but he was Alyssa's boyfriend for awhile. Anyway, he married another Taiwanese girl and was employed by big car company and in a few short years, was promoted way beyond what his father ever achieved during a life time with same big car company. They sent him to China, where they were grooming him to be big Chief of something. He was young. There was a lot of pressure. He lost his mind. 

Still, Alyssa and her mom did not elaborate. Alyssa turned to her mom, she doesn't know. Well, did he steal something? I asked. Alyssa shook her head with an -of course not- kind of look on her face and kept chopping salad. Silence. Did he try to kill his wife? Alyssa shook her head and the mom looked nervous. Well, since he never worked at big car company again or in a lesser role... I can only assume... did he try to kill someone at the company? They were both quiet and Alyssa looked at me. Oh my God, I was right? It must have been bad because his mother had to go to China to 'deal with it.' I knew I couldn't push my luck and ask more about it but wondered, because he was in a psychiatric ward? or in jail? Despite recent FB pictures of himself wearing tailored suits, cigars hanging out of his mouth and the occasional blond on his arm at various Four Seasons suites, I was now told he is twice divorced, selling cars at the local dealership, and living at home with his parents in his childhood house. He also asked Alyssa to invest $25,000 in his 'company.'

My point is. As a parent, I am obsessed by everything my kids need to "get" by 18 as if their life is set in stone by then, but that's not really true, is it? Our entire lives are filled with choices and the story plays out over a lifetime.

I'm not sure I would have physically recognized my friend, yesterday, were it not for Facebook. He's bald and I think his baby face is long gone under the thick beard and glasses. But talking, right away, it was definitely him. The same interesting, funny guy. Thoughtful. And probably not as crazy as he sometimes appears on Facebook. I could see for myself and it's not just an illusion. He turned out great. 

last minute texts

Can we talk? came a text from Soo, last week. I called. She told me that Brian was in camp and hitting other kids on a daily basis. Thank God we bought insurance for our flights, she told me.  Oh geez, I told her, but don't you think he will get used to being at camp and it's going to be fine? They're experts at dealing with this sort of thing. Yes, she told me, but it's also hard to know. I mean, he's not verbal, you know, and so he can't tell anyone what's going on.

Today I was with the kids in the city.  We were in the middle of watching a live spider presentation at the American Museum of Natural History.

Soo: Hey Gimky. Can I use you as an emergency contact in case Brian's camp needs someone to deal with stuff whilst waiting for us to fly back? Also, I am in a moment of morbidness as this will be the first time the entire Hubby's Family will be away at the same time and I don't know what we stipulated in our wills!! But we have to make a plan right? I always email my siblings about our vacation plans just in case.

But her siblings are in Australia!

Soo: I am going to email you my sister and brother's email addresses and phone numbers just in case. I will also have a back up friend and I will give you her numbers as well. Is that ok? xo

Soo: Thx!

Me: No prob. In the city now. All is good with this.

And then later.

Me: Nothing will happen, but just in case you know I will do the very best I can to take care of things.

Soo: I know you will. Just heard from J and he doesn't believe we need to do anything since we are all flying separately. Let me discuss with him tonight and I keep you posted. Thx.

Me: Totally understand.

bleep

I don't approve of this! I told the boys as I put the leash on the dog. Bleeping, bleep, bleepity bleep, I pointed out to hubby, how can you be showing this to Belac in particular? Do you not remember that he got himself in the Asst. Principal's office for swearing so much at school? 

Mom! It's bleeped out!! I heard his voice behind me. I'll try my best not to curse, okay? Now I bleep or just say the first sound.

Hubby! I looked at him, I don't care if it's all bleeped out. Every other word is bleeped but we all know what they are. You can't be showing him this stuff and you and Jake giggling away! He doesn't get it yet and you are just encouraging him! It's really not funny!!

And out I went to walk the dog, last night, in a huff and puff.

Coming home, I noticed from a distance that the kids' lights were already off. And, coming in, the dishes were all cleared and in the washer. As much as hubby rolled his eyes at me, he probably thought I was right and/or not wanting any trouble, and got the kids right into bed with no more youtube videos...

So, hubby asked, poking me, did you let off any steam yet? The kids want you to kiss them goodnight....

You know what? I told hubby. You are going to think I'm crazy, but I'm going to say it. I mean, right now, I can afford to go out there in a huffy way. You need me, the kids need tending to get where they need to be... but as soon as they have safely arrived to the other side, what's to prevent you from starting a second life, you know, with someone else? 

Oh My God, hubby slapped his forehead, you really are the planner, aren't you?

I sort of laughed but continued, well, my mom made herself sick and totally dependent so my father could never in his right mind leave her.... 

First of all, Gimky, you'd get 50% of everything anyway and you'd have prospects...

I rolled my eyes, but would I have the means to sustain myself....?

Gimky...! 

I know. Am I more like my mom than I'd like to admit? But this is life and you never know what's in store. Not to mention words are just words.... Even surrounded by loved ones who promise to be there, I think it's important to be self-sufficient.

shopping list

A whole day with the boys to shop for Jake's wilderness camp. He will be sleeping in a tent for 26 nights, 2-1/2 hours north of Montreal. He will be taking a 5 day canoe trip, carrying all his stuff and food in a huge back pack weighing 50lbs and more, setting up tent and cooking, in the rain if need be. The trips and bunks are all small, and it means that each kid must at least pull his own weight. To me it implies deep relationships will be built and there will be problem solving....

The stuff I am sending up with Jake will all take a beating. His shoes, I've been told, will get ruined. This is not sleep away camp in the Berkshires or Maine, where the kids are pampered with laundry service, things all done for them and beautifully landscaped fields. This is rugged Laurentian terrain, where there is only ONE telephone in the main office and no technology allowed. Where every boy sleeps with his individual bug net surrounding him. It's where hubby went to camp as a kid (and lasted all of one summer because - he'll tell you - there were no girls and going to an all boys school during the year, he wanted girls!) And it's a place that Jake's Pops is so concerned about Jake being too soft, that he wants him to practice boxing with gloves before going.... I roll my eyes at that, while recognizing that it's going to be much tougher for Jake than he realizes.

Meanwhile, Jake has read all the brochures and materials, viewed the video. He doesn't even know anyone and he's looking forward to it like a walk in the park. It was his choice and that's pretty shocking, actually, but I'm thrilled he has chosen to experience something totally new and hopefully amazing.

And so we are off on our day.

STAPLES:
clothes labels
laundry marker

MICHAEL'S:
2 red bandanas
2 white bandanas

KOHL'S:
2 pairs of shorts
2 beach towels

KOHL'S or PAYLESS:
2 pairs of cheap canvas shoes

LL BEAN:
rain pants
1 brimmed sunhat with strap

CHEESECAKE FACTORY:
lunch with a $25 gift certificate

BOOKSTORE:
3 paperbacks

in sickness and in health

Kids and I out by 7:40 am. By the time I dropped them off at camp and pulled into HMart, it was 8:15. I marveled at how I literally had this store all to myself. I should always shop at this hour! And then I received this text addressing 3 daughters:

Mom: Dad are very sick, thanks to older sister now he's start taken the medication & hope that will help. Ps Gimky, did you order swim things for me?

Me: What kind of sick?

In the 5 minutes that it took my mom to respond to that question, the flurry of private threads with my sisters began.

Older Sis: Dad has a cold with lingering congestion.

Me: Why did you give him meds? Why didn't he go to the doctor?

Older Sis: Many of his symptoms are resolved. Mainly it was congestion. And he wasn't taking anything because he was worried about side effects. So I told him to get guaifenesin and fluid.

Me: So not prescription? We should be encouraging him to develop a relationship with his doctor. He is getting older and needs to. My friend's mom just died, so I'm thinking about this stuff. 

Older sis: Ok. But getting a prescription is not the same thing as developing a relationship with a doctor.

Little Sis: You know he was in a single car accident on Wed? I heard 2nd hand from mom that he hit a wall at the parking lot or something. It's not clear to me.

Older Sis: And antibiotics have side effects.

Me: I understand but he needs to physically see a doctor to be checked on and to get any meds. He's getting older.

Little Sis: He was sounding sick after we got off the plane. Congested.

Me: Did he see a doctor?

Me: Calling Older Sis in DC is not seeing a doctor.

Little Sis: He did see a doctor earlier this year.

Me: Since he wasn't feeling well and got off the plane? What should not be happening is a phone consult with Older Sis but a physical check up. They are not in a 3rd world country, they are at home.

Me: I am not criticizing you but putting pressure on mom to be truthful and accountable. If she's going to say that dad is 'very sick' then take him to the doctor.

Me: Did you see his car?

Me: We need to see if it's a dent or something more serious.

  I then turned back to the original group text and virtually addressed all of them.

Me: He should see a doctor regularly.

Me: Especially when he is sick. If Older Sis can't see him she should not prescribe or recommend meds. He should see his doctor.

Me: He's getting older and should be seeing a doctor. Medications have side effects that Older Sis cannot monitor from afar.

Me: If he doesn't get better by Monday he should go to the doctor. At this age, when something lingers it's impt to address it and see the doctor.

Could I have made myself more clear? I sounded like a broken record but was anyone listening? No responses.

The thing is this. My mom has a long history of exaggeration in order to get the attention she needs and wants. When it comes to all things medical, in particular, she is not grounded in reality. Everything is terrible and dire and unbearable. But now we are talking about my father and I'm not putting up with her vagueness about him or letting this slide into a similar crying-wolf situation. If my dad is sick, he really is sick and not making it up. In fact, he will say not a word until it's so bad, for example, that after months of chest pain he finally sees someone and they immediately schedule an angioplasty like right then and there because he has 99% blockage in one of his coronary arteries.

During the recent Japan trip, there were logistics to figure out with a tour guide. We had all just spent the day together and there was time to fill the next day. The tour guide came to my seat and asked, can we discuss tomorrow? I was surprised she didn't go to my parents, Japanese speakers, sitting near her in the front row. After discussing options of times and places to see and understanding incremental costs, she gave me a little bow and said thank you. You are the eldest sister, I can tell! she commented. I'm not, I laughed, but obviously I have a big mouth and I'm very bossy!

My younger sister is very capable but has 3 little girls vying for her attention when she's not working full time and still has diapers to change. But thank god for her and her bold fearlessness - that gets her locking horns with my mom at times - and that she lives close by and can check on my parents. My older sister is very level-headed and reliable, but only just got married. She is not used to rocking the boat or taking a certain initiative, which is how I used to be. But after being a mother for 14 years it gives you a certain perspective that, you know, sometimes you just have to dive into the muck and hope for the best. And me? Well, I tend to be emotional and hold things too close.

All to say, between the 3 of us, I hope we can take care of my aging parents just fine.

making home

This week has been about reducing and controlling stuff. Tidied up the garage and basement. Emptied things out, weeded out the unnecessary, put things away. Filled the car with bags for charity. Wiped down the fridge, almost empty. Paid the bills and did weeks of filing. Had the kids gather and drag a month's worth of paper recycling to the curb, much of their share being old school papers. Retaught Jake how to use the laundry machine and dryer and sort clothes, though I pick and choose my battles... I fold it all into piles and the kids take their own clothes from the ping pong table....Went for a run and about to plant and weed the garden. Am I insane? Well, maybe. But I've had the same to-do list for months, if I don't try to tackle it now, then when? My kids will both be home next week before Jake sleeps 26 nights in a tent far away. I want to enjoy them for a few long days without worrying about undone things at home, or getting to the end of summer and wondering where the time went. I'm glad we veer towards a minimalist approach when it comes to life at home, but this lifestyle still needs maintenance.

The kids have a late night, should we go out for dinner? It's like 'free' childcare, I pointed out, we should take advantage of it. Hubby checked his calendar and was going to be done early. Where should we meet...? Anywhere near the water? I suggested, I'll call you.

Aren't we supposed to meet Charlie about the house? asked hubby as he poured coffee for the road. I was surprised to hear him bring this up, he has certainly come around about the idea of downsizing. I forgot about that, but I think he wants too much money for it... Well, it's worth sitting down with him and finding out for sure, hubby said as he kissed me goodbye, maybe he would take less for it.

I'm glad that hubby and I are like-minded about spending, pretty conservative with the occasional, very planned splurge. We've been able to really save in recent years because we've each been very careful about spending and saving first. Always. Downsizing would have far greater and immediate impact, though. Interesting to see how the talk goes with Charlie.

For so many reasons, we are lucky for this life.

life

There was a bird in the middle of the road with another bird fluttering around it. The bird that was sitting upright looked flustered and almost burnt at the head. The car next to me had the left turn signal but obviously didn't want to run over the bird. There was impatient honking from behind. The other bird flitted away as the car made a left turn making sure not to run over the incapacitated one. But obviously this bird was suffering from being on the ground like that and being driven over by hot cars on a summer day like today. I had continued driving, getting pushed along with traffic, but with each passing mile feeling more and more guilty for not getting out and trying to save the bird. What kind of person am I...?

The speeches at the funeral were heart felt. Dot had everyone crying and laughing in the stories she told. How do I want to be remembered? I wondered as I drove along. How will I be remembered? What have I done with my life? It gets you thinking about how you should use your time on this earth.

Today I had an hour to kill. In my funeral clothes, I walked around the garden section of Home Depot. Everything was looking sort of sorry and 50% off. For 50 bucks, I bought 3 Rose of Sharon bushes, 3 butterfly bushes, red choleus and some other pretty red flower I don't know the name of. It was 7 o'clock and I was slowly roaming each aisle, unlike me. And the person tallying up my purchases was helpful and courteous. It just felt surreal.

Hubby texted, are you close by? I'm home, eating salami and avocado, and about to head to synagogue for a meeting.

The kids are in late night activities at camp and I hadn't expected to see him or anyone until 8:30.

Out running errands, I texted back, I'm sorry! I didn't know you'd be home.

No problem! I'll see you tonight!

Driving home, I saw two couples cross before my car at an intersection. One was young and just walked across arm and arm, sauntering across quickly. The other was arm in arm and old, looking both ways, hesitating and then rushing and then hesitating again, in the middle of the road, looking both ways.

I feel like life is this fleeting thing. Good fortune and health could so easily take a turn tomorrow. Like maybe I've had an exceptionally good run of things and so I have something in store...? I thought about Regina a lot, today. She didn't have her husband around for like 15 years and her son lived far away. How did she do it? Was it running the soup kitchen that sustained her? And driving in this processional of cars to NJ, I was suddenly so upset that I didn't get a chance to gather with the few people who were in her life at the end. Her son didn't know or think to invite me or maybe he had found my letter inviting her to live with me. I really don't know. There was no funeral but just a gathering at her apartment. I would have liked to hear everyone's memories and said my goodbyes with them.

And now it's time to get the kids.

moms

late night snack

I was supposed to go into the city to check out Ella's new space. She has become totally big time and opened a second studio in the heart of the upper westside! But with the funeral - even just around the corner from her - and the burial in NJ and not knowing if I need to be at the shiva tonight, also in the city.... I just couldn't leave the dog for over 10 hours, bouncing off the walls and peeing everywhere. So seeing her had to give.

OH MY GOD! we both exclaimed when we bumped into each other on Sunday morning. Ella and I had been too caught up with our own things to tell each other, beforehand, that we'd be at our mutual friend's baby naming. Leaving, she told me. Gimky, it's a relief you didn't get that job. If your kids are sick or something comes up, you can cancel and reschedule. The problem with that job is that you'd have an employer, not the same flexibility and it's all the way here...!  I know, I told her murmuring, I know.

This morning, hubby was called into work early. Belac was late in getting up. There was that Ensure shake he had to drink before I'd even consider turning on the car. And the realization that there was no one to call about letting the dog out, anyone who could do it was either going to the funeral or away. What would it cost? 40 dollars for a dog sitter? But it was too late anyway. Then going through all of my black gig clothes, everything was a little too sexy and so I'm resigned to wearing something I'm going to be sweating in but covers all my skin.... I mean, these are some of the realities I would have faced with that job. Not sure how much I would have earned after all the expenses of commuting, parking, dog sitting, and dressing properly, but even more importantly it would have been a nice layer of stress for all the logistical complications. What had I been thinking? To keep it more simple and manageable, my work just needs to stay closer to home.

I wrote Ella: The death of my friend's mom makes me realize how I have to make things right with my mom. I mean, they are right as they ever well be, but sometimes I think my blog is so disrespectful to her. She would absolutely die and never say another word to me if she knew I committed any criticism of her. It goes against the grain of anything Asian to do as I have done. Honor thy parents.

Ella: That is why you need to blog I think.... You are actually honoring them by raising your kids so conscientiously and working to have a strong marriage and appreciating everything that you have, that they have given and that you have worked for. And your writing helps you stay on track, see the truth in your family and appreciate what you have. Plus it will be an amazing gift for your boys someday.

I guess it's one way to look at it and maybe the right way. I hope it always comes across that I love my mom. Despite all the muck I've dredged up, I do recognize that she did the best she could for me and did do things that were right. Our relationship has only improved as I've grown up and matured (and I think she has mellowed a fair bit, too.) Mostly, I have learned over time to accept there are things I cannot change. What I can and should try to control has everything to do with me and not anyone else. I also see that my mom tries and gives the best of herself to the grandkids. She knows how to poke fun with them and shows a lot of compassion. That means a lot to me.

summer clean up

Spent the afternoon going through every toy and game. Everything that was broken or not working was trashed. I filled a large kitchen bag. Anything nice but not played with in over a year went into a pile for the neighbors or charity. I filled 3 paper bags. The rest went into these two shelves. The legos, planks, marble run, sticks and balls, blocks... anything for building was kept without question. And aside from the box of balls and outdoor amusements at the top of our drive, this is it. Well, and the thousands of markers and reams of paper.... What more could they possibly need?

Ensure for my little man

I stood and watched Belac drink a chocolate Ensure Plus shake, first thing. I dug one out from an old stash in the back of the fridge, they go down better cold. He had not had one of these in awhile, but looking at him recently and helping him with his shower, this morning, I was just dismayed at being able to see his every bone. And I was impressed. In 15 minutes time, he was able to sip it all down without gagging, and leaving the house I put a chocolate chip waffle in his hand.... I am going on Amazon right now and buying a case of this stuff. I have to really follow through with him, consistently, and make him drink one of these every morning. It's an extra 350 calories everyday....

Strange how in Japan I didn't feel compelled to explain to anyone that he was little for his age. Or worry at all about his being so skinny. You know what? I honestly did not see one fat person in Japan. I am not joking. They are all skinny and petite and here he was, among them and fitting in just fine. If anything, I was the dumpy, mushy American one in comparison to everyone else. Belac told me, I love it here! I wish I could live here! It was sweet and I laughed. He is such a great traveler. But it did give me pause. I mean, his body is more lJapanese than typical "American." Isn't my standard - my measuring stick - flawed? Keep up with this and he was never going to measure up. And what's the quote? If you judge a fish by it's ability to climb, it will live it's whole life believing it's stupid....

Still. One chocolate Ensure Plus every morning. I just can't be seeing every rib.

Death

Up and down and up and down... and now it's happened. Dot's mom died at 5pm. I never heard Dot sound like such a little girl, it was so different than anything. And then the heavens opened up and poured torrential rain.

family life

Flower's mom told me a month ago at lunch, that her daughter - Jake's age - wanted nothing to do with the family. That she had become a sullen teenager over the past year, barely spoke to the parents, and never wanted to be seen with her younger siblings. She is an attractive girl. When she fell and broke her foot, Flower and little brother drew her 'feel better' cards to which she rolled her eyes in disdain. It all sounded terrible and I didn't know what to say. Was it a girl thing or... is our time simply yet to come and then I'll be able to commiserate?

The other night, Kiki asked me. Has Jake started hiding out in his bedroom? I was just wondering, she shrugged. You know, she explained, our friends have been having this problem with Casper now. He's basically withdrawn into his room. And her 15 year old son... well, he had been out all day and now it was 10pm and Robin was instructing Kiki to text that he must come home now.

But how could this be? I didn't want to be around my parents either at their age. I was embarrassed by my mom's thick accent and terrible grammar and I could not count on her to behave reliably. My dad was fine but they were kind of a package deal. But these parents. These parents were more than presentable. Friendly, sociable and approachable. How could they be going through this? Really, this is what happens between all teenagers and their parents?

I don't want it to be happen to my boys and me. Really don't. They are allowed their privacy and to be on their own and off with friends. They are allowed to roll their eyes at me as much as I roll my eyes at them. But I hope we always have a good relationship. I don't know what the answer is.  Family dinners every night? Keeping internet out of their bedrooms? A little quality time, every day, over anything worlds away from the daily stresses?

My friend Mir, the cellist in my childhood trio, had the best family dynamic I had ever witnessed firsthand. I was so envious, growing up. They lived a very modest life, but theirs was one of lively dinner discussions, constant music-making and humor. When there was trouble between our families, the parents called a family meeting. The only person who did not show was my mother, no surprise. But I'm getting off-topic. I remember our parents went to a DSO concert, one night. Her mom had made us 5 kids a decadent dinner at their tiny house in Oak Park, and set the table like it was Christmas. And I had never seen a more beautiful sweater than the one Mir's mom knit for her bat mitzvah. Her dad was also the one to drive the kids to all of their lessons. Last year, when her dad passed, Mir and her brother got up and gave the most heartfelt, appreciative and interesting speeches to hundreds of friends who showed and the mother's letter was read, in thanks of the life she had with hubby. Her family is my role model, proof that relationships can be good over the long haul. What they always had was a deep appreciation of each other and the ability and wherewithall to express their love in the most generous way.

I can only hope and try to guide my family down their footsteps.
 

summer plans

Tofu at hotel breakfast in Kyoto. Served room temperature, it was the most delicious and creamy I've ever had!

We had toyed with the idea of sending Belac to 2 weeks of tech camp. But after a morning of organizing, paying bills and looking at our bank accounts, I am firmly of the mindset that it is Camp Mom, next week. Seriously, everything costs a fortune! But even that aside, why should we paying right and left for their amusement? They are at the age, now, where they have developed some basic tools to invent, create and occupy themselves. So let them have idle time and figure it out.

They both need a little down time, anyway. Plus Jake needs help packing for wilderness camp and there's still stuff - like head to toe rain gear - left to buy. And I think it's good for Belac to be doing things, but not necessarily in such a prescribed way. There will be afternoons at the town pool, a visit to the natural history museum to see spiders and a 3D shark movie - we have a membership, a hike or bike ride, a play date or two... Not to mention, they each have reading lists and a math packet to look at now and again.

And me? I have a very reduced teaching schedule with just a few piano students. A LOT of practicing in store. Some of the music next season is great but scary hard! And I have my usual check list of stuff, a little longer because I have the extra school and a few more students come September. Mostly, though, I want to make sure that we all use our time productively! Summer is a gift and the time to catch up on what needs catching up, getting the ugh-ful done and over with while still enjoying the treats of this easier pace.

Hubby told me, yesterday, as we walked home from dinner and felt the breeze on our faces, I love summer! I could not agree more.

pill

view of Japanese country side from plane

Maybe I should have given him a pill, I whispered into hubby's ear as we drove to Sunday camp registration. Ach! hubby said, he doesn't need it, this will be fun for him and just his thing!

I thought about it as we zoomed along. It was too late to turn back anyway. All year, he was getting a stimulant just for school and not on the week ends. In fact, he hadn't taken one all summer and we were sort of on a med-free trajectory 'til September. But Dr. Ashton had once pointed out to me that social occasions were also good reason for taking the stimulant. If it helps Belac be more attentive in social situations and get more out of those opportunities, if it means he has less difficulty following along in conversations... you might consider giving him a stimulant on those days, even without school, was his advice.

Later, Belac and I sat in the second row of the Director's introductions. Jake looked and listened on with interest, laughed along with jokes and things he noticed going on with the staff. Belac followed on as best he could, a little slumped in his chair as I nudged him occasionally to sit up, look up and repeated some of the funny things said. I encourage you to make the best of your time here, the Director emphasized, these are the smartest most caring bunch of teachers I've ever had! Ask questions, dive deep, make the most of your time....it's such a great opportunity for each of you to learn from these experts behind me!  Mom, Belac turned to me suddenly, I should have taken a pill!

This morning, the kids were up and downstairs before 7am and ready to go. Jake was just finishing up breakfast when I first saw him. He informed me he'd be changing his choice class from 3D modeling to Java. That's great! But are you sure? Belac down next and toasting himself waffles. I reminded each of them to have their phones in their pocket and to make sure they were charged. Yes, it does cross my mind that they could text me in an emergency... like, from inside a sinking ship, a school in lock down mode because someone's pulled out a gun, you know, those unfathomable things that never ever happen.

And before I forget, sweetie, I went to the drawer and pulled out a little container, here's your pill.

registration

The boys' mouths dropped when they entered the room filled with Macs. They were there to choose a class for the rest of the week and then stay for dinner and other activities. We were introduced to all the teachers and counselors. And impressive, they all were. Many were going to name brand colleges and universities as computer programming majors, and had been to this tech camp for as many as 8, 9, 10 years as kids. And studying them, and even scrutinizing a few... well, they were all definitely geeky and I am convinced at least 2 of the instructors are on the spectrum or had some sort of something. And looking around, I saw a high school girl, wearing a propellor on her head and what looked like colorful pajama bottoms in this heat. Plenty of others who looked... just different and not anything remotely like preppy, picture perfect J. Crew.  I mean, it's really weird to say this, but I was overcome with a sort of... relief. Honestly, the boys were going to be just fine here. Doing their thang without too much concern about appearances.

Leaving, I made sure to say hello to the director of the place. Before we parted ways he told me, remind me the names of your kids. And then that was my in. Jake and Belac, 13 and 11. The little one, as I mentionned to you before, is the one that has attention issues and appears and behaves perhaps young for his age....  Ah, yes! Got it! he told me with a smile.

Hubby and I went out to dinner at a local burger place and I'm now heading back to pick up the boys. Every morning, this week, hubby will drop the kids off as he heads to work. Every evening, hubby and I will have dinner to ourselves before I head over to get them. Wild. More importantly, I am hopeful about this place being a good fit. I've been impressed by everything so far. This is the ultimate luxury of hubby having the salary that he does. Having the options of trying these learning environments that seem suitable for the kids.

daisy

We passed a jewelry stand and my eye lingered. I was wearing a big straw hat and had limited view of my surroundings. Hey! I heard a voice that caused me to look up, how are you? It was the owner of the local jewelry store who had set up a stand at the music festival. I introduced him to hubby, who was walking around with me. This guy had helped me buy a couple of necklaces for Belac's teacher and assistant. We all chatted. His wife, too, was  a Juilliard grad.

And then I saw this above necklace. A real daisy and made in the USA. I touched it. I looked at hubby. We are not the kind of people to really buy each other things and I'm not the kind of girl who needs certain love gifts from hubby. Do you want it? hubby asked. Out of all the necklaces displayed, he pointed at another he liked that I just so happened to have gifted Belac's main teacher! I smiled, it was a tree of life and very pretty.

And so this is how I came home with this pretty little flower around my neck.

small world

salad from my garden

The dog was going berserk at 7am. Oh no! exclaimed hubby as he leapt out of bed. His triathlon buddy in training was already here on his bike and hubby had overslept. He went down to let him in and came back to do a quick change. I laid in bed trying to envision what buddy was seeing as he waited in our kitchen. Hubby and I had had a deal, last night. I'd clean up the messy kitchen if he could pretty please get the kids to bed and set up the aero. I remembered I had washed and wiped everything down. Phew! I thought before snuggling back under the covers.

You know what? We were invited to dinner at buddy's house, formerly Natalie's house, a month ago. We'd been there a good number of times before and we're friends. I teach their children piano and music, the parents all get along.... But this time, lounging in their living room, there was talk about how to fill this awkward circular space in the corner. Perfect for a christmas tree or a grand piano! I told them. They knew vaguely that we had once looked at the house during the many years it was on the market.... You know that the previous owner used to be a pianist and had her piano there? They didn't know. Yes, well, I explained, it's tragic because she had to sell it to stay afloat, which explains why none of us ever saw it....  The wife suddenly looked at me in shock. Oh my God! You are the family Natalie wanted to sell this house to! She turned to her hubby, honey, they're the family!! It now all makes sense!! They're the ones!! Hubby and I sat in awkward silence as they chattered, it was true but what could we say? Oh my God! she turned to me, lucky you didn't buy this house for all it's problems!

No house is without it's problems, I told her, regaining my voice, we've had some serious ones ourselves. Your house is beautiful! And yes, I admitted, we wanted it, too. It's a great house with a beautiful yard...! But we had a house to sell and she couldn't wait for us.... This house could not be owned by nicer people, I assured them, and we are also lucky to be quite happy where we are. It all turned out great, I said to her. And I really believe that.

super

Super Moon while walking dog, obviously taken by my rinky dink phone cam

I made a great meal tonight. I followed a recipe for chicken kebabs with mushrooms and baby bok choy out of an old Gourmet magazine. I made a salmon sashimi-avocado-pineapple appetizer from Mark Bittman. We had friends over, their son spent the night. All 3 now in Belac's room in the bunk bed and aero on the floor, and I kissed them good night at 10:30pm. How lucky am I for this glorified life?

A friend told me today that she thought I should write the story about my mom. Really? Yes. She thinks it's this fascinating, compelling cross-cultural, cross-generational story about... the detriments of growing up wealthy in an era when women were mostly groomed to be good homemakers? raising girls to have a life she never had? untreated major depression over a life time? thwarted dreams? hypochondria while being married to and surrounded by doctors...? Everything I know has been accumulated in bits and pieces over a life time, and I still don't know how to make the confusing understandable. Not to mention that I'd bring such shame to my parents....

This is the week end of super moon. What can I say? Walking the dog, tonight, under such a clear sky with the huge moon illuminating my path... it just filled me with such hope. Hope for what? I have no idea.

Snack time

Mom..? I heard in the dark, I still can't sleep. I looked at the clock, it was 3am. I walked him down the hall. And I'm also hungry, he added. I stopped and laughed out loud, so am I!! And down we went.

I pulled out pasta from the fridge and doled it out into 2 bowls. Jake, I pointed out, your eyes are bad but mine are worse. Please figure out how to warm these up in the microwave! We were both without glasses and amused by our fumbling around in the dark. Mom, he instructed, hang onto your fork or you're going to lose it! We ate quietly with just the faint outside light and the blueness of the microwave screen.

Mom! he chuckled, watch me forget all about this in the morning! Actually, I think you probably  won't. I won't and you know why? We've had a hundred times like this before, but always  after one of your night terrors  or bad dreams.... You haven't had anything like that in ages and hopefully that's all in the past, knock on wood!! This is about being on Japan time and a hungry stomach and it's all sort of fun....  I smacked his butt on the way up. Get to bed! And no matter what, we're all getting up at 7:30!

Nighty night

At midnight, Belac came to my bedside. Mom? I can't sleep. We went downstairs in the dark and I poured him half a mug of milk, and because I was totally blind, instructed him to heat it up for 30 seconds in the microwave. We sat in the dark as he sipped. Mom? I'm really trying my best not to curse, but I really can't help it. But why can't I? I hear you curse but you never get punished.... Like when you broke a lightbulb.  How come you get to curse and I can't? We talked like this for 20 minutes and all I could think was. Sure, he's quirky, has poor eye contact and everything needs repeating, but how is he not 'normal'? I mean, he was sounding like a perfect, beautiful kid to me. I tucked him back into bed.

At 1:30, I heard a crash.

This time I was at Belac's bedside. What happened? I don't know, said Belac sleepily, I heard a loud noise. And then I entered Jake's room just as I saw a flash of light turn off. Sorry mom, Jake told me, I can't sleep. Are you reading your kindle? No. I have the iPad, I took it from the guest room... I dug under his covers and took it. I patted his face and felt his glasses and pulled them off. Mom? he asked me, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to build an exact replica of our house on Minecraft, but with improvements. Improvements?? What improvements? Well, I'm going to add lights to the porch, and make the concrete stairs made out of wood... And make a balcony off my room. How about a fence for Bailey so he can roam freely? Good idea, he agreed, I'm thinking of adding a 3rd floor, too. I laughed. I can't sleep at all, he complained. We discussed the jet lag and analyzed our sleep patterns since coming home. Hubby was the only one on a different schedule from the 3 of us and I suggested, like he, we needed to get up much earlier tomorrow. Want to sleep on Belac's top bunk? At least you'll have company. And so that's how I tucked them both in, tonight. My two sweet, beautiful boys.

money

making chocolate pudding, Belac's high caloric snack

The boys and I have had these days together to take care of things around the house. Everyone tidying up and organizing. Practicing a little piano. Reading. Paying bills. We spent a couple of hours at the pool, yesterday, and had dinner at neighbor's. Belac now drawing. Jake soaking in the tub, he has a tummy ache. When the car is finished with inspection, we'll all head to HMart and grocery shop. That is, if he's feeling better. And these are the lazy, sweet days of summer. The hardest thing being denying the kids of electronics to occupy themselves. They're not allowed unless they are with other kids, and even then, it's strictly controlled. I feel strongly it's not a good use of time. They really do have to be in the mindset of always working, taking their own initiative in being creative and occupying themselves, in essence feeding their own brains.

I bumped into a friend at the pool, yesterday. She has definitely put on astonishing weight in a year, like 50+ lbs. it seems. She has never said, but her hubby had disclosed one day. They are stressed out financially and unable to pay their expenses. They are looking to refinance their house. She told me in passing that she's been driving the kids around for sports and that needing to fill up all of the time has been painful. That is their situation with 2 existing and pretty fixed incomes....  My neighbor, on the other hand, actually lost his job a few weeks ago and is in the thick of interviewing. He's an experienced programmer and will definitely get hired someplace, but it's going to take time. No severance given and he has maybe just another paycheck coming his way. Waiting around for word and busying himself around the house is not enough to diminish the creases of worry on his face....

Do not take for granted what you have today, I want my boys to know. You will one day read this, and it is all for you. No matter how tempting, you cannot believe it's okay to buy something with money you don't have unless it's an emergency. And even then, care should be taken to be conservative about that spending. You should never assume that you can simply pay something off later. It's really the cardinal rule for financial (and emotional) well-being. It's easy for me to say, looking at my pool friend, that they shouldn't have bought such expensive and new cars or taken a trip to Florida, last year. But what can they do now? It's been done and I'm not sure they can even afford to sell their house if they've leveraged significant debt.... Or that our neighbor should have fed us pasta instead of steak. He knows dad loves a good steak, but that's not good enough reason. He should have saved such a meal for his first new paycheck. And even then, it would be us making him steak in congratulations.

I would be totally stressed out if dad lost his job. We don't have the promise of family or government bailout as our safety net. But rainy days happen, shit happens, people get sick and lose jobs, no one is above it, and you have to be prepared. You can be sure this house would automatically go on the market if dad's replacement job didn't look immediately forthcoming or if we couldn't pay the bills. There would be no discussion about it between us. There was a time when dad and I looked at our bills and plotted out which ones to pay first. We know what it's like to be stressed out about money. At that time, we ruthlessly cut all unnecessary spending until we were on safer ground, and we did eventually get there and faster because we were absolutely committed to a plan. Lucky us. And now that you boys are older and more independent, I could take on more students and go out and get a job at Starbucks or retail if I need be. Some people go into debt for reasons that are not fair. Divorce, illness, job loss... a special needs school for your kid, just saying. The unexpected and unfortunate happens. But still others go in debt because they have not been smart with their money, which means for no good reason at all. Whatever the circumstances, you must fight tooth and nail to avoid bad debt. It is just terrible stress and not the way to live if you can seriously avoid it.

sleeping Belac

Just checked on Belac, who is still fast asleep. His ac has been making his room extra cool, his comforter is still wrapped around him, and his black out curtains cover his windows just so. He has never been a good sleeper, this kid, but he's been out like a lightbulb for 14 hours now and obviously catching up on sleep. He's going to feel great when he gets up, today!

Japon

Japanese homeowners making the most of their stoops

Was dropped off by cab at the foot of our drive, where I stood for awhile, looking at our home with fresh eyes. While we were away, our rhodedendrons had once again bloomed for the 2nd year in a row. Some of the hostas I had divided and replanted were blooming purple flowers. I had been worried about my kousa, but saw that it had filled out with leaves and was definitely alive. And then I could not help but smile from ear to ear to come upon my garden. My neighbors had watered, I could see. There were green beans galore, so many shiny, bulging and jewel like tomatoes waiting to ripen, and a ton of assorted lettuce.

Dinner was frozen pizzas, our first salad from our garden and cold white wine. Everyone exhausted from 36 hours of door-to-door traveling, for which I had not slept a wink. The pact was that no one could sleep until 8pm. We let the kids play computer games and hubby and I sat on the couch together, with my feet in his lap. I tried to browse on my phone, look at Facebook, read the news, anything! But my eyes kept closing. Don't sleep! hubby kept telling me, don't sleep! But at 7:30 I crawled up to bed and was gone to the world.

I appreciated seeing Japan and I especially loved being with my entire family. It was bonding. I got to know older sis' new hubby better and appreciated seeing her with someone so agreeable and kind. Belac bonded with Zee Zee over drawing and crafts. Jake amused himself with the younger ones, entertaining them with games. We often gathered at night in our hotel room (it was ours because the boys always had a room right next door, where all the kids could be nearby) and would end the evening with another collection of Japanese beer or wine and snacks everyone shared. There was always banter about the day and what we had seen, what we were next going to see, discussion about money or sights or logistics... the final evening party was a little different. There was talk about life at home and work, both good and bad. The joking around from little sis' hubby, in particular, made me laugh so hard I was crying. He likened his team to a bag of tools. He had the screw driver (Ivy League PhD model maker, who kept getting hung up over the theoretical and did not have enough real world experience) and the knife (the 2.0 GPA from a midlevel state school, the non-planner who knew how to figure things out and think outside of the box when things didn't turn out as planned), but was missing a much needed hammer (the sort of bridge between the two that he likened would be a person from say, Northwestern University). And over this and conflicts with his company about the kind of person they thought he should hire (an Ivy Leaguer) he was being driven crazy.

All to say. If in 2 years, we can all swing it, I'd love for all of us to go to Alaska.