Jake was fitted with a palate expander a couple of weeks ago. It will remain there for the next 9 months. Then in January, he will get braces. His remarkable front tooth, the one that grew in perpendicularly rotated, will likely be straightened out in just a year. He still has 12 baby teeth to lose so they will have to attach the braces to his baby teeth. It's an early intervention case obviously. All good things (except the bill, especially if he ends up needing braces for the rest of his teeth!) However, he pretty much has to eliminate his favorite bread from his diet. Day after the fitting, he got bread lodged up there and it took a never-ending hour to finally remove it all.
So no more of his usual pb & j or salami sandwiches at lunch, and he doesn't want to buy school lunch either. The one day he bought, the line was so long that he didn't have time to finish eating. I think it's also just easier, socially, to look for his friends and plop down at a table right away, rather than waiting in line and wondering where he's going to sit, if there will be room where he wants to sit, etc. Oy! The middle school lunch room! Can't be fun....
So what has been happening? I have been packing him lunch in a thermos everyday. It's been leftovers from dinner with noodles or brown rice. This morning, he was eating udon with chopped up leftovers. There wasn't enough for lunch, too, so I warmed up chicken nuggets from the freezer. Mom, isn't there anything else? he asked. Anything... else?
Never mind.
No, you should tell me so I know. You don't like the chicken nuggets? I don't really have anything else, today....
It's fine, it's fine.
We could pack the udon and you could eat the chicken nuggets now....
No, I'll have the udon now, he told me as he slurped up a huge steaming mouthful. It's really fine, Mom.
I find it hilarious that this kid does not want standard Western fare, even at school. Seriously, he's quite happy to bring fried rice or lo mein to school, everyday. I wonder if we'll ever go back to sandwiches after his palate expander comes out.... He truly is a more secure person than I ever was at his age! He knows what he likes and doesn't care too much about appearances. But I have to wonder what he'd do if I packed him chopsticks instead of a fork?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
mementos
As I was talking to Belac's aide at pick up, I noticed Lily and her mom standing nearby out of the corner of my eye. They seemed to be waiting for me. Hello!! I exclaimed, I feel like we haven't seen you forever, Lily!!
She nodded.
Do you want to come over for a play date?
Yes! she said, jumping up and down.
And that's how we came to have Lily for a couple of hours, today. The kids had dinner. They ran around. They had ice cream. I drove her home.
I heard the kids had lunch together, the mom mentioned ever so casually as I dropped Lily off.
Yes, I began, uncomfortably. Look, Caroline, if it's ever too much... I mean, you know... he has attention challenges, that's his... his challenge, and it's a highly motivating incentive for him when he knows he can have lunch with Lily. They thought about it a long time and came up with this, although I know it could be... a bit.... weird, maybe.... that it's Lily....
It's okay, she reassured me, looking at me too closely for comfort, searching for what I don't know.
I mean, I stammered on but should have just stopped at this point, I tell him not to smother Lily but he just, he just loves her... and if it's ever too much, like I've said, you just need to call me.... She's been such a good friend, you know. Even the letters....
The letters, she laughed. You know, I can't bring myself to throw any of them out. Some of them are just so beautiful!
I swallowed hard, a confusing mess of emotions. Thank you, I wanted to say but suddenly found myself speechless.
As I left into the dark with Belac, I cringed as I went over the conversation in my head. I couldn't spit out a complete sentence. I should have been more positive, less apologetic, more sure of myself and more matter of fact about my kid. But then again, I realize, it was probably the best it could have gone.
Amazing, though. She's keeping his letters!
She nodded.
Do you want to come over for a play date?
Yes! she said, jumping up and down.
And that's how we came to have Lily for a couple of hours, today. The kids had dinner. They ran around. They had ice cream. I drove her home.
I heard the kids had lunch together, the mom mentioned ever so casually as I dropped Lily off.
Yes, I began, uncomfortably. Look, Caroline, if it's ever too much... I mean, you know... he has attention challenges, that's his... his challenge, and it's a highly motivating incentive for him when he knows he can have lunch with Lily. They thought about it a long time and came up with this, although I know it could be... a bit.... weird, maybe.... that it's Lily....
It's okay, she reassured me, looking at me too closely for comfort, searching for what I don't know.
I mean, I stammered on but should have just stopped at this point, I tell him not to smother Lily but he just, he just loves her... and if it's ever too much, like I've said, you just need to call me.... She's been such a good friend, you know. Even the letters....
The letters, she laughed. You know, I can't bring myself to throw any of them out. Some of them are just so beautiful!
I swallowed hard, a confusing mess of emotions. Thank you, I wanted to say but suddenly found myself speechless.
As I left into the dark with Belac, I cringed as I went over the conversation in my head. I couldn't spit out a complete sentence. I should have been more positive, less apologetic, more sure of myself and more matter of fact about my kid. But then again, I realize, it was probably the best it could have gone.
Amazing, though. She's keeping his letters!
pathology
Had the house to ourselves, last night. My husband and I went crazy and stayed up to watch a movie. It was called Crazy. Stupid. Love. or something like that, the perfect fluff for someone half-comatose. And then it suddenly occurred to me, half-way through. Don't you think my cousin would be happier with a woman?
That's an interesting thought, my husband remarked as he clicked pause.
I remember when Rose first came to live with my family. She was 5 years old and the cutest, most innocent little thing. She spoke fluent Taiwanese and pranced around in her dress and headband and was the happiest kid of all. Where has that girl gone? Is she lost forever?
I have seen so many of her boyfriends come and go, over the years. Mostly losers, to be frank. The kind that play video games all day and all night, don't or won't get jobs, and need girlfriends who are mothers. Have I mentioned, my cousin is freakin' brilliant and ambitious, a medical doctor who studied at the most prestigious places and who is on her way to becoming a pathologist? She has the most raw, sophisticated kind of humor - do these guys even get her? If she doesn't think you're an ass, she's also the most generous person you will ever meet in your lifetime. But be careful, she has zero bullshit tolerance, I mean Ze-ro. Ironically, she always ends up with these complete dead weights who don't lift a finger to help her. Her most recent boyfriend was a prickly, 50-something freelance writer, who followed her to California.... There was just one guy I actually liked among her suitors, but she dumped him faster than any of the others.
I don't exactly blame Rose's dad for her romantic failures with men, but he's never been a positive role model for the male species, either. But I also can't ignore my father's positive but quiet influence, someone who my cousin adores.... My uncle insisted that Rose go into medecine, while my father did not. In fact, my dad was the one person that told her that if she was inclined to do anything else, she shouldn't go into medecine. She went to cooking school, then worked for $12/hour as a sous chef. Her parents had cut her off by then, but it was my mom that was sneaking checks to help pay for her rent. Then Rose hated being poor and found her way to a research job. She liked it for awhile, but then despised working for people she felt were incompetent. Eventually, she realized that medecine was what she truly wanted and needed to pursue after all. Her parents, obviously, were thrilled that she had come to her senses. But not before warning her that they would not financially support anything else but med school, so she should think twice before changing her mind, again...! The threat upset her to no end.
Upon graduating from med school, Rose pursued Pathology (my dad's field) in favor of ophthalmology (her mom and dad's whole dynasty back in Taiwan). It was the ultimate kind of a f* you gesture to her dad and the only kind he could understand, I realize. I heard him speaking about it over Thanksgiving dinner, in fact. He was still so openly bewildered by her decision to not pursue ophthalmology or the many other 'attractive' specialties. Instead, quite deliberately and passionately, she chose my dad's field.
Our discussions during late night dishwashing focused almost entirely on her father's behavior. Rose's mother recently discovered that she had lost 40% of her hearing, and only disclosed this secretly to Rose during the holiday. Turns out, her father would not buy her mom the $5000 dollar hearing aids because they supposedly weren't covered by insurance. I don't believe it, I told her, they have to be at least partially covered. Her father had convinced her mother that the constant adjustment of hearing aids would be a real hassle, anyway, and that he could help her by just talking louder and translating for her. Rose had such harsh words with her dad, who showed up at my house in his $90,000 BMW. I can't stand him and can't stand to be in his presence, she told me with such anger and tears in her eyes. I can't stand how he makes my mother 100% dependent on him and look how left out she is because she can't hear anything!! It's serious, she can't hear, Gimky! HOW can I be related to someone like him?? My dad later confirmed to me that my Uncle has become totally weird about his money. But I think it was always this way with him. He controls people with his money.
Upon graduating from med school, Rose pursued Pathology (my dad's field) in favor of ophthalmology (her mom and dad's whole dynasty back in Taiwan). It was the ultimate kind of a f* you gesture to her dad and the only kind he could understand, I realize. I heard him speaking about it over Thanksgiving dinner, in fact. He was still so openly bewildered by her decision to not pursue ophthalmology or the many other 'attractive' specialties. Instead, quite deliberately and passionately, she chose my dad's field.
Our discussions during late night dishwashing focused almost entirely on her father's behavior. Rose's mother recently discovered that she had lost 40% of her hearing, and only disclosed this secretly to Rose during the holiday. Turns out, her father would not buy her mom the $5000 dollar hearing aids because they supposedly weren't covered by insurance. I don't believe it, I told her, they have to be at least partially covered. Her father had convinced her mother that the constant adjustment of hearing aids would be a real hassle, anyway, and that he could help her by just talking louder and translating for her. Rose had such harsh words with her dad, who showed up at my house in his $90,000 BMW. I can't stand him and can't stand to be in his presence, she told me with such anger and tears in her eyes. I can't stand how he makes my mother 100% dependent on him and look how left out she is because she can't hear anything!! It's serious, she can't hear, Gimky! HOW can I be related to someone like him?? My dad later confirmed to me that my Uncle has become totally weird about his money. But I think it was always this way with him. He controls people with his money.
All to say. I suspect Rose is not going to find the kind of love she needs or wants with a man. It would not surprise me at all if she one day found her heart with a woman. The important thing is that she finds love and happiness, sooner than later, please! As for her dad, the thought of this kind of happily-ever-after for Rose makes me laugh out loud. It would certainly put her choosing pathology over ophthalmology in perspective.
Monday, November 28, 2011
hugs and kisses
What an insane week. I am exhausted but happy.
Just folded a load of towels and the last of all the laundry my family did this morning while I was away teaching. Just saw that someone made our bed with clean sheets and literally jumped for joy at the thought of just brushing my teeth and simply falling into bed.
I hugged and kissed my mom, my dad, my sister, her husband and my nieces at LGA. Then went home to retrieve my other sister, who I hugged and kissed goodbye at the Stamford Amtrak station. Then went to after school, where I picked up my boys and hugged and kissed upon seeing them before bringing them home. Then hugged and kissed my husband as he came through the door.
I love my family and I am so thankful.
Just folded a load of towels and the last of all the laundry my family did this morning while I was away teaching. Just saw that someone made our bed with clean sheets and literally jumped for joy at the thought of just brushing my teeth and simply falling into bed.
I hugged and kissed my mom, my dad, my sister, her husband and my nieces at LGA. Then went home to retrieve my other sister, who I hugged and kissed goodbye at the Stamford Amtrak station. Then went to after school, where I picked up my boys and hugged and kissed upon seeing them before bringing them home. Then hugged and kissed my husband as he came through the door.
I love my family and I am so thankful.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
me and my mom
My family and I were walking around Bear Mountain, today, when my husband received an email. His sister-in-law's dad had just died. It made us stop in our tracks. Her dad had been sick for a year with cancer and had seemed to be doing okay. But then he didn't feel well a couple of days ago. Thankfully, his entire family could gather round him and be with him in his last hours. He was only 61 years old.
Yesterday, a college friend of mine wrote a mass email to tell us that our classmate was in her last days. She was leaving behind a husband and two very young children. Now was the time to pray and to pray hard if you believed in prayer. Now was the time to reach out if you felt inclined. And then a few weeks ago, a high school friend wrote to tell me that our mutual friend has lymphoma and is now fighting for his life....
The thing is, my family does not live near me and every time I see my parents, I notice their age. Someone asked me, this Thanksgiving. Is your friend Regina coming again? How is she? You know, I was so shocked and unprepared to be asked about her, I thought everyone knew, that I stumbled over words and brushed away tears before I could simply say, she's not coming. Thanks for remembering her, though.
One day my parents will not be with me, I realize. And I will miss them terribly, and even most profoundly of all, my mother. And I don't want to imagine it, but other loved ones might leave me before I'm prepared, too. All to say, I'm lucky to have had all of these years to figure it out with my parents and to have had a more grown-up relationship with my sisters. And you know what, I realize? It's not worth it to hold grudges or get too bent out of shape over nonsense. It's just not. Life is too short.
At Friday night dinner, my mom and I exchanged words over something and she ended up running up to her bedroom. She was right in that I had assumed she was meddling too much in someone else's business without really knowing and so I went and apologized, but not before we had more emotional words before I apologized again, and then slammed the door behind me, anyway. Lovely, right? I thought she'd never come back down and could not understand why I couldn't control myself, I don't behave this way with most people or maybe, even anyone. My cousin, who had witnessed this all, told me that my mom had asked her to go and calm me down. Me? I laughed. My mom was thinking about me? The evening was loud and crazy and no one noticed anything. As my cousins were leaving, I told my dad - who had no idea what had transpired - to go get my mom to say goodbye, which he did. When she (surprisingly) came down, I likewise surprised myself by patting the seat next to me, saying, come and sit with me, Mom. Shockingly, she did just that.
That night, we spent hours doing dishes and wiping down a greasy, grimy kitchen together. We talked a little about my cousin, who we were both worried about. But mostly, we were busy and together and fine, just me and my mom.
touched
Wednesday night dinner for 15, followed by Thanksgiving dinner for 20, followed by Friday night dinner for 27, followed by Saturday night dinner for 17. At the height, 19 people slept under one roof and the shower was always running. Now it's just an easy 11 of us tonight and tomorrow we will be back to our 4.
Two lessons learned: 1) I need to hire someone to help wash dishes every night. 2) It is insane to cook these kinds of meals, everyday. It's really okay and even necessary to have a meal or two catered. But still, I would do it all over just the same. The thing about manning the kitchen morning and night, is you spend quality time with everyone. Everyone has to eat, a lot of people help, and everyone always treks through. There's no avoiding the kitchen.
And the things I learned! A cousin I never met came from Taiwan, this year. On a walk before Thanksgiving dinner, we ended up talking about our grandmas, who were sisters. Of course, because he lived in Taiwan and grew up among relatives I did not, he had stories to tell. I never knew our grandmas were 2 of like 11 kids, and that his had been given away. That conversation led to another conversation, when I deliberately sat down with my dad and his sister, one night later. I wanted to know everything there was to know about their parents and their temperaments and exactly how their siblings (my 7 aunts and uncles), most of whom I have either never met or don't know well, fared in life. Turns out, my great-grandparents tried unsuccessfully to give away my grandmother before my cousin's (younger) grandmother was successfully given away. My grandfather was also - among many other things - an elected congressman, who was pro-democracy and the voice for the common people, though a bit of a failure in his domestic life. All fascinating stories for another time.... Why didn't I ever know these things? Why didn't I ask until now? Why didn't they tell me? I soaked it up like a sponge.
And the despair of my cousin, who could not stand to watch her parents' behavior, her father's in particular. She joined me in washing dishes for hours every night as she quietly endured and vented. And I just wanted to cry for all of them. Mostly for my cousin, who lost all of those years she could have built a relationship with her parents and learned to overlook certain things in favor of the warm fuzzies she so desperately needed and would have at least occasionally felt from them. And also for my aunt, who I am 100% certain regrets to the core of her soul, that none of her kids are attached to her. I know she'd go back and do it all differently, standing up to her husband as necessary. Even if kids and parents had had a rocky relationship, there would be some love and attachment there. But there just wasn't enough physical contact or emotional connection over the so many distant years to form a crucial bond. And my uncle.... OY! Another story.
What was most remarkable to me about this holiday is how my dad, 74, and aunt, 77, were able to recall such vivid details from their childhood. They often looked to each other for confirmation in describing their parents and family life, and it must have been comforting in a way to have such affirmation in the telling. There was something just so endearing and fascinating to me about brother and sister lovingly remembering a shared history, even when being so brutally honest about the not so good stuff. (So different than how my mom and her brother could ever tell their story together, and it makes me sorry for them.) In those brief moments, the grandparents I barely knew from a strange and far away land came to life a little and I was truly touched.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Two lessons learned: 1) I need to hire someone to help wash dishes every night. 2) It is insane to cook these kinds of meals, everyday. It's really okay and even necessary to have a meal or two catered. But still, I would do it all over just the same. The thing about manning the kitchen morning and night, is you spend quality time with everyone. Everyone has to eat, a lot of people help, and everyone always treks through. There's no avoiding the kitchen.
And the things I learned! A cousin I never met came from Taiwan, this year. On a walk before Thanksgiving dinner, we ended up talking about our grandmas, who were sisters. Of course, because he lived in Taiwan and grew up among relatives I did not, he had stories to tell. I never knew our grandmas were 2 of like 11 kids, and that his had been given away. That conversation led to another conversation, when I deliberately sat down with my dad and his sister, one night later. I wanted to know everything there was to know about their parents and their temperaments and exactly how their siblings (my 7 aunts and uncles), most of whom I have either never met or don't know well, fared in life. Turns out, my great-grandparents tried unsuccessfully to give away my grandmother before my cousin's (younger) grandmother was successfully given away. My grandfather was also - among many other things - an elected congressman, who was pro-democracy and the voice for the common people, though a bit of a failure in his domestic life. All fascinating stories for another time.... Why didn't I ever know these things? Why didn't I ask until now? Why didn't they tell me? I soaked it up like a sponge.
And the despair of my cousin, who could not stand to watch her parents' behavior, her father's in particular. She joined me in washing dishes for hours every night as she quietly endured and vented. And I just wanted to cry for all of them. Mostly for my cousin, who lost all of those years she could have built a relationship with her parents and learned to overlook certain things in favor of the warm fuzzies she so desperately needed and would have at least occasionally felt from them. And also for my aunt, who I am 100% certain regrets to the core of her soul, that none of her kids are attached to her. I know she'd go back and do it all differently, standing up to her husband as necessary. Even if kids and parents had had a rocky relationship, there would be some love and attachment there. But there just wasn't enough physical contact or emotional connection over the so many distant years to form a crucial bond. And my uncle.... OY! Another story.
What was most remarkable to me about this holiday is how my dad, 74, and aunt, 77, were able to recall such vivid details from their childhood. They often looked to each other for confirmation in describing their parents and family life, and it must have been comforting in a way to have such affirmation in the telling. There was something just so endearing and fascinating to me about brother and sister lovingly remembering a shared history, even when being so brutally honest about the not so good stuff. (So different than how my mom and her brother could ever tell their story together, and it makes me sorry for them.) In those brief moments, the grandparents I barely knew from a strange and far away land came to life a little and I was truly touched.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
flowers in the closet
Kids to school. Drove through beautiful country with my dad to pick up turkey. Hubby back at LGA to pick up my sister's family. Turkey brining, roast rubbed up with herbs, dinner prepped, beds made, family off shopping or sleeping, watching baby nap in pack and play as I sit by the fire and wait for everybody. I love this holiday.
So do you think there's going to be a fight, this year? my husband chuckled.
Oh, it's too early to thinking about fighting. Not everyone's here yet and we've got to give it a few days! I explained, but god, I hope not....
When I arrived home with the turkey, this morning, I found my wedding bouquet sitting outside on the porch. I had to just laugh out loud. My mom is allergic to flowers, you see. It's also an allergy my sisters and I have always believed to be very exaggerated, the kind where the sight of a flower can make her gag audibly on the spot, and pretty severely depending on her mood. I used to get so exasperated and embarrassed by this behavior. My mom is now sleeping in our bedroom, where my wedding bouquet was hanging. It's a very beautiful bunch of flowers tied with a white ribbon, and did I mention? They are silk and 100% fake. They were made especially, 11 years ago, so I'd have something to carry down the aisle without my mom getting ill. Today, I find it almost endearingly funny that my fake flowers were carried downstairs and put outside because of her allergy. I brought them in without a word and hid them in a closet.
So do you think there's going to be a fight, this year? my husband chuckled.
Oh, it's too early to thinking about fighting. Not everyone's here yet and we've got to give it a few days! I explained, but god, I hope not....
When I arrived home with the turkey, this morning, I found my wedding bouquet sitting outside on the porch. I had to just laugh out loud. My mom is allergic to flowers, you see. It's also an allergy my sisters and I have always believed to be very exaggerated, the kind where the sight of a flower can make her gag audibly on the spot, and pretty severely depending on her mood. I used to get so exasperated and embarrassed by this behavior. My mom is now sleeping in our bedroom, where my wedding bouquet was hanging. It's a very beautiful bunch of flowers tied with a white ribbon, and did I mention? They are silk and 100% fake. They were made especially, 11 years ago, so I'd have something to carry down the aisle without my mom getting ill. Today, I find it almost endearingly funny that my fake flowers were carried downstairs and put outside because of her allergy. I brought them in without a word and hid them in a closet.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
stay
Hubby took the day off. Picked up my parents from LGA. On the way home, they bought all the wine and champagne for the holiday and took advantage of my parents' senior citizen's discount.
Volunteered all afternoon in Belac and Izzy's classroom. Came home later to find Kati explaining her aerobeds and space heater to hubbie and returning our car she borrowed.
Jake forgot homework and good thing. We went back to school and I was able to casually chat with his teacher about the kid bugging him.
Izzy here. Studied for a Fundations test tomorrow with Izzy and Belac. Now she's running around with both boys and I will bring her home after dinner.
I asked my husband if he could please find out if there is a job for Izzy's dad at his company. Surely there must be something! I just dread their leaving Sunny Patch. I asked my mom, as we folded laundry, what if they leave and Belac never has such a good friend again? I just love and adore this girl. I love all 3 girls, actually. The oldest is now helping Jake with math in exchange for me teaching Izzy piano.... actually, it's not even tit for tat, we all just help each other.
What if they are the difference of getting Belac (and all of us) closer to 'normal'? Don't be ridiculous, my husband said. I don't think it's that ridiculous. If I had a million dollars, I'd pay for them to stay.
Volunteered all afternoon in Belac and Izzy's classroom. Came home later to find Kati explaining her aerobeds and space heater to hubbie and returning our car she borrowed.
Jake forgot homework and good thing. We went back to school and I was able to casually chat with his teacher about the kid bugging him.
Izzy here. Studied for a Fundations test tomorrow with Izzy and Belac. Now she's running around with both boys and I will bring her home after dinner.
I asked my husband if he could please find out if there is a job for Izzy's dad at his company. Surely there must be something! I just dread their leaving Sunny Patch. I asked my mom, as we folded laundry, what if they leave and Belac never has such a good friend again? I just love and adore this girl. I love all 3 girls, actually. The oldest is now helping Jake with math in exchange for me teaching Izzy piano.... actually, it's not even tit for tat, we all just help each other.
What if they are the difference of getting Belac (and all of us) closer to 'normal'? Don't be ridiculous, my husband said. I don't think it's that ridiculous. If I had a million dollars, I'd pay for them to stay.
dinner chatter
Chopped up all of the leftovers in the fridge and mixed it into eggy rice for dinner last night.
Mom, Jake asked, is there going to be enough leftover for my lunch tomorrow?
You want this fried rice for lunch? you mean to bring to school...?
Yeah.
When I was little, I remember bringing a lunch to school once. It was a tupperware of fried rice. But I refused to eat it. I was surrounded by kids eating pb&j from plastic baggies and I didn't want to be teased or seen as being any different from anyone else. So instead I just drank my milk and wouldn't open my lunch, even though I was starving! No one was going to see me eating fried rice or ask where my chopsticks were!
Of course, metro NY in 2011 is different than the suburbs of Michigan in the 70s. There's a lot more diversity and diversity is more valued. But, you know, maybe Jake's just in a better place than I ever was. He doesn't pretend to be someone he's not and he's more secure with himself. Maybe he even takes a little pride in who he is.
It was also over dinner that Jake told me a kid in his class wants to beat him up on Friday. First of all, I explained to Jake, we don't have school on Friday. Second of all, well, was he joking? Why would he say such a thing? Jake didn't know. We talked over the details. This is a kid who was regularly pretending to punch Jake in the face to get him to blink, I found out for the first time. We agreed that the first thing was to figure out if this kid was serious or if his idea of play was just rougher than what Jake was used to. Should we get the teacher involved? Jake was not inclined. Mom, I'm not a talker and it's just going to end up with so much talking and busy-ness. It will be endless! Okay, then try to figure it out directly with this kid, ok? But I need to know what happens either way because if we can't figure it out by tomorrow, I'm letting the teacher know.
Yeah, ok.
Look at me, Jake. If anyone ever lays a hand on you, don't be too quick to raise your hand back unless you absolutely have to, got it...? Sometimes you have to protect yourself and you have no choice. But you're also a very fast runner and you always have that option. No one will ever blame you for running away from a bully, but if you return the strike, it can open up a whole can of worms.
I know.
Despite what I said, I didn't wait. I wrote to Jake's teacher, anyway. Could you just keep an eye on what's going on at the lockers? I asked. Thanks.
Monday, November 21, 2011
SUPPORT ABLE 2011
Jake has a 529 plan, a tax-free savings account for college. Belac, however, does not. I certainly hope he goes to college, but his trajectory is a bit of a wild card and we've been hesitant. Up until recently, we weren't saving money, anyway. We were just trying to keep up with expenses. The expenses of selling our house at a loss so we could get to a better public school district. Recovering from his fancy private school and services....
All to say, a new bill was recently introduced, ABLE 2011. Please read about it, tell others about it, write to your congress person about it and support it!
It's a tax-free savings account for people with disabilities, structured similarly to the college 529 plan. It allows families and individuals to save tax- free for future disability related expenses.
So. Life goes on
So Jake gets a very good report card. Now he has a chance to retake a math test. Good thing because that 'D' would otherwise be mixed into this second marking period. So here we are and Jake has a clean slate, again. Same kind of challenges, same kind of sweat to now just keep up with what has begun....
So Belac is doing much better in general. But he did slug a kid on the playground a few weeks ago and yell at his teacher, recently. A meeting, this morning, made us realize just how he struggles in reading comprehension. During an assessment, he looked up after a minute and declared, this is painful! He really needs to read with me every night, which I haven't been doing. Then we talked about his often sorry state of focus. The school psychologist mentioned she'd be calling Lily's parents about his eating lunch with her, about once a month, as a (highly motivating) behavioral incentive.... Is that weird? Hold it. Can we just discuss this using Lily as a 'reward' and can we also talk about what you're going to disclose to her parents about Belac? Same old concerns....
The kids are no longer in tae kwon do, this year. Good thing in many ways. There's less stress and more time for homework, more money in the bank, too. But, my husband pointed out after coming back from a run and seeing a field of little kids in uniform, now the kids are not doing any sports when everyone else has soccer, basketball and volleyball. Shouldn't the kids be doing something instead of nothing...? The same old concerns about doing too much or not enough, whether to invest time and resources in something (team sports) the kids are not naturally good at....
I am off to Educational Warehouse to look at reading books. Forget about making dumplings tomorrow for Belac's international Thanksgiving feast. What was I thinking when I signed up to cook? SHhhhhhh! I am going straight to Trader Joe's and buying a few frozen bags.
Just got off the phone with Kati. You have 2 great kids and I love them. I know you worry about them, but they're going to be okay.... Gimky, I never had one problem with Belac when he came over. Never. He was always so sweet and behaved well. Sometimes I have to say the same thing to him 5 times, but it's not because he doesn't want to listen, you know, he's preoccupied. Like, in his own world. My point is, from a play date perspective, that's probably what Lily's parents see.... The thing about Lily is, maybe you should just come clean with her parents. Just be open about Belac's issues. And if they reject him or guide Lily away, then at least you finally know where they stand. There's the possibility, you know, that they love Belac, like I love Belac, and they won't care that he gets extra help or has an aide or think anything about how his struggles might negatively influence Lily. Maybe you should just call her and talk to her or invite her for coffee and just tell her....
I had 14 people for dinner last night, Kati's family and a new family from around the corner. I was not nervous and loved the conversations over food and the kids running around. But call Lily's mom? You mean, pick up the phone and call her and try to talk to her about this without becoming tongue-tied and emotional or scaring them away? Seriously? NO. WAY. There's no way I could do that. The risk of rejection or of making things worse, even with the best of intentions, scares the hell out of me.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
back in...
Kissed Jake good night and stroked his head. He was sleepy, tonight, and his eyes were already closed.
Mom, can you stay awhile?
Okay.
I sat for a few minutes in the dark with my hand on his shoulder. Then I heard him say, I love you Mom.
We've been through a lot, together, I realize. I don't remember the last time he said this first or repeated the same thing back. I love you, too! I have to go say good night to Belac, ok? I whispered, and I have so much stuff to do downstairs....
Can you come back in 5?
How 'bout 10?
No, 5!
10!
5!
Okay then, 12!
Mom! laughing, can you just come back in 5?
8...?
He kept grabbing my hands, making it almost impossible for me to go.
Okay, 6!
Yay...! 6 minutes.
I kissed him again and tussled his hair. I love your haircut, it has really good shape! Oh my God, did it ever look so unkempt before.
15 minutes later, when i remembered to come back, he was in deep sleep. My sweet kid.
Mom, can you stay awhile?
Okay.
I sat for a few minutes in the dark with my hand on his shoulder. Then I heard him say, I love you Mom.
We've been through a lot, together, I realize. I don't remember the last time he said this first or repeated the same thing back. I love you, too! I have to go say good night to Belac, ok? I whispered, and I have so much stuff to do downstairs....
Can you come back in 5?
How 'bout 10?
No, 5!
10!
5!
Okay then, 12!
Mom! laughing, can you just come back in 5?
8...?
He kept grabbing my hands, making it almost impossible for me to go.
Okay, 6!
Yay...! 6 minutes.
I kissed him again and tussled his hair. I love your haircut, it has really good shape! Oh my God, did it ever look so unkempt before.
15 minutes later, when i remembered to come back, he was in deep sleep. My sweet kid.
preparing
We are now in over drive in prep for Thanksgiving.
Last year was our first Sunny Patch Thanksgiving and we were 26. This year, it has grown to be a 2 day eating event. We have 24 people for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Some then go home and others arrive from Boston. On Friday, we will be 27 for dinner. Most of the week, we are sleeping 17 under this roof. I have borrowed 5 aerobeds and a toddler bed. A cord of wood arrived 2 weeks ago. I ordered a 28 lb. turkey, a large rib roast, and made a meal plan for an entire week. I expect to grocery shop everyday. I have been cleaning non-stop. Kids to barber, dog to groomer, hubby to Costco.... I love this. I love that everyone's coming again and that there will be days of food, drink, games, music, and marshmallows by the fire.
A phone call with my sister, though, reminds me to keep my emotions in check. My sister and I always have a great time and no party is complete without her. She's funny and full of life. But she can also be intent on certain things happening just so and her words have a slight confrontational ring when she's on a mission. She was concerned that I was going to buy a frozen turkey. (I rolled my eyes. Last year's turkey was not frozen either. The turkey is from a farm in Westchester County.) But it could still be frozen. (It's slaughtered within a 24 hour period before my scheduled pick up. Don't worry, it's free range, organic, grain fed... blah, blah, blah.) Aren't you buying 2 smaller ones instead of a big one? The turkey might get dry.... (Not sure 2 - 12 pounders could fit into my one oven.) Aren't we using your neighbor's oven? (She might be home after all.) The roast last year wasn't big enough. (No problem, I'll buy a bigger one, but I am limited by the size of my convection oven.) And on and on.... ENOUGH, sister! You're driving me crazy. Everything is going to be fine!
My husband found my sister's line of questioning endearing. She wants it to be good, that's all Gimky. She wants Thanksgiving to be special. Just remember, it's family! Most importantly, you have to get yourself emotionally prepared.
Last year was our first Sunny Patch Thanksgiving and we were 26. This year, it has grown to be a 2 day eating event. We have 24 people for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Some then go home and others arrive from Boston. On Friday, we will be 27 for dinner. Most of the week, we are sleeping 17 under this roof. I have borrowed 5 aerobeds and a toddler bed. A cord of wood arrived 2 weeks ago. I ordered a 28 lb. turkey, a large rib roast, and made a meal plan for an entire week. I expect to grocery shop everyday. I have been cleaning non-stop. Kids to barber, dog to groomer, hubby to Costco.... I love this. I love that everyone's coming again and that there will be days of food, drink, games, music, and marshmallows by the fire.
A phone call with my sister, though, reminds me to keep my emotions in check. My sister and I always have a great time and no party is complete without her. She's funny and full of life. But she can also be intent on certain things happening just so and her words have a slight confrontational ring when she's on a mission. She was concerned that I was going to buy a frozen turkey. (I rolled my eyes. Last year's turkey was not frozen either. The turkey is from a farm in Westchester County.) But it could still be frozen. (It's slaughtered within a 24 hour period before my scheduled pick up. Don't worry, it's free range, organic, grain fed... blah, blah, blah.) Aren't you buying 2 smaller ones instead of a big one? The turkey might get dry.... (Not sure 2 - 12 pounders could fit into my one oven.) Aren't we using your neighbor's oven? (She might be home after all.) The roast last year wasn't big enough. (No problem, I'll buy a bigger one, but I am limited by the size of my convection oven.) And on and on.... ENOUGH, sister! You're driving me crazy. Everything is going to be fine!
My husband found my sister's line of questioning endearing. She wants it to be good, that's all Gimky. She wants Thanksgiving to be special. Just remember, it's family! Most importantly, you have to get yourself emotionally prepared.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
for heaven's sake
So Jake got up a couple hours later. Quizzed him for the science test, tomorrow, and boy, did we laugh our heads off at some of the absurd multiple choice options the science teacher included on a study guide. We reviewed a little math as usual.
How are you feeling?
Fine, he replied.
You mean like your usual self?
Yeah.
Do you know what depressed means, Jake?
It means sad, right?
Yup, but a prolonged and serious kind of sad. Why were you sad before?
Well, I wasn't feeling well before but I'm fine now.
Really? like happy?
Yeah. I mean, I'm good, not exactly happy but like my usual self now. Mom, can we play on the wii?
I nodded.
BELAC! We can play on the wii!! And in the blink of an eye, they were off.
How are you feeling?
Fine, he replied.
You mean like your usual self?
Yeah.
Do you know what depressed means, Jake?
It means sad, right?
Yup, but a prolonged and serious kind of sad. Why were you sad before?
Well, I wasn't feeling well before but I'm fine now.
Really? like happy?
Yeah. I mean, I'm good, not exactly happy but like my usual self now. Mom, can we play on the wii?
I nodded.
BELAC! We can play on the wii!! And in the blink of an eye, they were off.
sleep!
Jake had dinner, bathed, and went to bed, all before 4pm. He arrived home and told me he had a stomach cramp all day. He looked like something the cat dragged home. I gave him a little mylanta, which didn't seem to help. Mom, I can hardly keep my eyes open, he told me as he ate some rice. Let's get you into bed! I told him. I'm depressed, he told me as he lay in bed and I rubbed his stomach.
I tried not to bombard him with questions but wondered. Is this a real stomach ache or a psychological stomach ache? He's not really depressed, is he? He's only 10! What could he be sad about? He didn't know.
I thought about the other night.
Sometimes when you don't feel physically well, like if you're sick or coming down with something, I told him, everything can feel overwhelming. You might feel bad about things that usually don't bother you. Other times you might feel terrible about something that's happening, and it makes you have a physical problem like a stomach ache. We'll have to figure this out, but I think the most important thing now is for you to close your eyes and sleep, okay? I closed his blinds and adjusted the door to capture some of the hall light. Sleep! I urged him as I kissed him good night.
I tried not to bombard him with questions but wondered. Is this a real stomach ache or a psychological stomach ache? He's not really depressed, is he? He's only 10! What could he be sad about? He didn't know.
I thought about the other night.
Sometimes when you don't feel physically well, like if you're sick or coming down with something, I told him, everything can feel overwhelming. You might feel bad about things that usually don't bother you. Other times you might feel terrible about something that's happening, and it makes you have a physical problem like a stomach ache. We'll have to figure this out, but I think the most important thing now is for you to close your eyes and sleep, okay? I closed his blinds and adjusted the door to capture some of the hall light. Sleep! I urged him as I kissed him good night.
next time won't you sing with me
Nudged Jake up at 6:30 this morning, earlier than usual. Hey, sweetie, it's time to get up.
I'm tired....
I know, but I'll make you noodles while you finish your homework.
Oh, yeah....
Plus, I have something to show you.
What? he asked, rubbing his sleepy eyes.
Something came in the mail....
Tell me.
Your report card arrived.
Report card?
I know. I had no idea you were getting one so soon. I found it in the mailbox last night.
Oh. I don't want to see it and I just really don't want to talk about it right now.
Why?
He shrugged.
What if you did well? Would you want to see it?
Well, yeah.
So how do you think you did?
He shrugged. But now he was finding his glasses and getting out of bed.
My husband met him in the kitchen. I think there's something you might want to see on the refrigerator, he pointed.
We watched Jake stand motionless at the fridge. What is PH? he asked, pointing at band, the first subject listed.
Passing with honors.
He quietly looked at the rest of his subjects, each attached to a number grade and comment. He never received a report card with real grades, before, so this was interesting. More significant, he also never received such a strong-looking report card before. He received A's in every subject but math. I remember, very well, the feeling I had when I first got a good-looking report card. But I was a freshman in college....
Well, what do you think? I asked.
It looks good, he smiled, as he high-fived my husband.
It sure does! Good for you!
I'm tired....
I know, but I'll make you noodles while you finish your homework.
Oh, yeah....
Plus, I have something to show you.
What? he asked, rubbing his sleepy eyes.
Something came in the mail....
Tell me.
Your report card arrived.
Report card?
I know. I had no idea you were getting one so soon. I found it in the mailbox last night.
Oh. I don't want to see it and I just really don't want to talk about it right now.
Why?
He shrugged.
What if you did well? Would you want to see it?
Well, yeah.
So how do you think you did?
He shrugged. But now he was finding his glasses and getting out of bed.
My husband met him in the kitchen. I think there's something you might want to see on the refrigerator, he pointed.
We watched Jake stand motionless at the fridge. What is PH? he asked, pointing at band, the first subject listed.
Passing with honors.
He quietly looked at the rest of his subjects, each attached to a number grade and comment. He never received a report card with real grades, before, so this was interesting. More significant, he also never received such a strong-looking report card before. He received A's in every subject but math. I remember, very well, the feeling I had when I first got a good-looking report card. But I was a freshman in college....
Well, what do you think? I asked.
It looks good, he smiled, as he high-fived my husband.
It sure does! Good for you!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
'fine'
As I looked over Jake's binder, last night, I realized that he didn't have one of his homework sheets. This is the kind of thing we should have known earlier so we could go back to school, I told him. You need to do just 3 things before you come home everyday! Check your mailbox, empty your desk of papers, and make sure you copied all the assignments off the board!
He nodded and blinked back tears.
One thing led to another and the next thing he was telling me was that he was nervous. Nervous about being sent back to school. Nervous about forgetting stuff and bringing everything home. Nervous I was going to be mad at him. And then the bawling started.
Then we were upstairs and he admitted to me that everyday he was worried I was going to get mad at him. Me? He was worried about me being mad at him? I was shocked.
Jake...? I'm not giving you very much encouragement am I? I'm not really recognizing the good stuff, too?
Mom! It's fine, he backtracked as he sobbed, I'm fine, really I'm fine.
You can't be crying like this and fine. Are you nervous at school? Does your teacher make you nervous?
No.
Any teacher?
No.
But you're nervous I'm going to be mad at you for something that happened during the day.
Yes. More sobbing.
As we cleared off his desk, we sifted through a stack of papers which included a book report he did weeks ago but couldn't find. Wow, you got an A, Jake! I did? he asked incredulously, as he took a look himself.
As we cleared off his desk, we sifted through a stack of papers which included a book report he did weeks ago but couldn't find. Wow, you got an A, Jake! I did? he asked incredulously, as he took a look himself.
As I sat on his bed and watched him wipe his face with his blanket, I told him. I'm sorry! I'm sorry I've been stressing you out! I've just wanted you to have a good and successful year.... Every time you come home missing things, I'm frustrated and mad because it's time you could have to be free or get started on homework so then you can be free. Instead we're running around getting stuff and it ends up getting late. I'm just trying to help....
It's fine, mom. I'm fine, he insisted through tears.
Look. I will promise to try to control my frustration if you promise to keep trying to bring everything home, everyday.
I'm trying, Mom!!!
I'm trying, too!!!
More crying.
And I also want you to really know what a good job I think you are doing. I obviously don't let you know enough how proud I am of you.... I don't worry that you can get yourself to and from school everyday! And I've seen you be kind and generous with the kids that come over. I notice you really care about the kind of work you're doing this year. And you know what's really great? Your hard work has paid off. Look what kind of grades you've been bringing home! You should be so proud of yourself.
Mom, what is a failing grade?
I don't know, a D? an F? But you're not failing anything. If you're worried about the math test, it doesn't matter Jake. You need a ton of Ds and Fs to fail a subject and you're far, far away from failing anything. Plus, if we had you retest, tomorrow, you'd do much, much better. Important thing is that you made a real effort to learn what you didn't know! And we'll keep practicing....
I turned the lights out and pulled his comforter tightly over him. I kissed him good night and stroked his hair a little. Jacoby? I'm really sorry I've been stressing you out and I'm glad you told me.
He weeped a little more as he lay on his back and wiped his eyes with the blanket. It's okay, Mom. I'm fine. Really! I'm fine! But can you stay with me a little...?
Of course I will.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
up and down and up and down
"Let me read or I'll punch you in the face!!"
He yelled what? I asked his aide in horror. To his... teacher? In the middle of class?
I found Belac's teacher and we talked. She had already suggested that we meet on Monday to talk about his difficulties in reading comprehension. Now we spoke solely about behavior. We agreed about getting him to articulate his feelings better and earlier so he feels less need to yell or raise a hand. We agreed about helping him figure out more acceptable ways to deal with frustration. She explained that the first thing that set Belac off, today, was his pencil sharpener falling on the floor and making a mess. Then when he was cleaning up the shavings, he stood up and bumped his head on his desk. Then when he was reminded to complete 2 math problems that were kind of difficult for him, it sent him over the edge and he lashed out at his teacher.... He can be so sweet and compliant on one day and then a tightly wound up kid on other days. He really needs to learn how to self-regulate.
I watched the boys on the playground after school. Belac ran around the perimeter on his own. I wondered what kind of reputation Belac had at school and what parents are led to believe from what their kids tell them. My husband and I do not threaten our kids, nor do we slap them around, I swear.
I had already heard that Izzy got a 78% on her science test and her mom was disappointed because they had studied everyday for 2 weeks. I was very curious about Belac's test and immediately went looking for it when I had a moment alone on the playground. I stared at the top page like it was written in a foreign language. 90%! SUPER!!!
Wow. I knew he could do it, but can't say that I wasn't also very surprised.
And this is the nature of this journey. Up and down and up and down....
He yelled what? I asked his aide in horror. To his... teacher? In the middle of class?
I found Belac's teacher and we talked. She had already suggested that we meet on Monday to talk about his difficulties in reading comprehension. Now we spoke solely about behavior. We agreed about getting him to articulate his feelings better and earlier so he feels less need to yell or raise a hand. We agreed about helping him figure out more acceptable ways to deal with frustration. She explained that the first thing that set Belac off, today, was his pencil sharpener falling on the floor and making a mess. Then when he was cleaning up the shavings, he stood up and bumped his head on his desk. Then when he was reminded to complete 2 math problems that were kind of difficult for him, it sent him over the edge and he lashed out at his teacher.... He can be so sweet and compliant on one day and then a tightly wound up kid on other days. He really needs to learn how to self-regulate.
I watched the boys on the playground after school. Belac ran around the perimeter on his own. I wondered what kind of reputation Belac had at school and what parents are led to believe from what their kids tell them. My husband and I do not threaten our kids, nor do we slap them around, I swear.
I had already heard that Izzy got a 78% on her science test and her mom was disappointed because they had studied everyday for 2 weeks. I was very curious about Belac's test and immediately went looking for it when I had a moment alone on the playground. I stared at the top page like it was written in a foreign language. 90%! SUPER!!!
Wow. I knew he could do it, but can't say that I wasn't also very surprised.
And this is the nature of this journey. Up and down and up and down....
Monday, November 14, 2011
Science
P.S. An A on his Science test. And you want to know why? Fine, Jake likes science, but his teacher is also male, funny in a geeky way, and owns 400 tacky ties he models everyday. He also sends the kids off with "Don't Worry, Be Happy" at every dismissal by pushing a button on his desk. A colorful, enthusiastic teacher makes all the difference!
keeping up
Plopped right back into the craziness of life. Everyone showed up to fix things at the house today. Again, our stove is not working properly and I'm cooking for 25 next week. The high hats and other switches that never worked when we moved in are finally getting fixed. Garborator broken and just replaced. Cracked window panes replaced and several windows fixed and sealed.... you get the picture. Meanwhile, there are problems with the repairs, renegotiating about money, me gone for a few hours to teach and wondering if it was okay to leave everyone at the house. I did hide the cash in the freezer under some meat....
But mostly, I am just worried about Jake, who I won't see until after 6pm tonight. I just found out this morning, as he was walking out the door and tried to hold back tears, that he didn't make the jazz band. I just knew something was wrong when I said good night to him last night, but he didn't say, even though I lingered a while with him.
Is it just me, or is school harder these days? It just seems like such a struggle for my boys to just keep up and navigate despite being very smart kids. A Boston friend told me she thought it's because we live in Westchester County. People are so high strung in NY! she told me, your kids are fine, trust me. I don't really know what to believe.... But what I didn't have a chance to tell Jake is that even though he didn't practice enough and I cringe to think about how he played at the audition with all of those syncopations he didn't quite yet understand, I'm proud of him for trying. And honestly, let him be stung a little. It will make him practice harder for next year and all the more sweeter when he gets in.
But mostly, I am just worried about Jake, who I won't see until after 6pm tonight. I just found out this morning, as he was walking out the door and tried to hold back tears, that he didn't make the jazz band. I just knew something was wrong when I said good night to him last night, but he didn't say, even though I lingered a while with him.
Is it just me, or is school harder these days? It just seems like such a struggle for my boys to just keep up and navigate despite being very smart kids. A Boston friend told me she thought it's because we live in Westchester County. People are so high strung in NY! she told me, your kids are fine, trust me. I don't really know what to believe.... But what I didn't have a chance to tell Jake is that even though he didn't practice enough and I cringe to think about how he played at the audition with all of those syncopations he didn't quite yet understand, I'm proud of him for trying. And honestly, let him be stung a little. It will make him practice harder for next year and all the more sweeter when he gets in.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
family
The other pianist in my group is someone I have always admired. Her playing is full of life and everything under the sun, nothing is taken for granted. She also has a huge, beautiful smile that lights up a room and is simply the nicest person. In having a few moments to catch up, yesterday, she told me things about her life that made my mouth drop. Oh my God, how long have we not spoken? I sat in the back of the hall, watching and listening to her play. I remembered how we first started sitting in these rows 12 years ago and realized just how much has changed since then.
My friend also mentioned in passing how her parents' generosity saved her and something about this statement resonated with me.
Sometimes I think I'm going straight to hell for the things I've disclosed here about my mom. She would never forgive me to read the words I've written here and I can sometimes hardly justify it myself. She would feel wholly misunderstood and unappreciated for the so many things she did right, and in many ways, you could simply read me as an ungrateful kid that needs to stop whining. I did turn out fine, after all!
My mom is in a neck brace right now but in NY with my kids, dad, and hubby. My parents took the kids to the city on Veteran's day, visited the Lego Store at Rockefeller and ate sushi for lunch... There was a time, not so long ago, when my parents sent us money, back when we were struggling to afford the house and Belac's school. I really felt they were not in the financial position to do this and tried to refuse their help, but the checks came monthly for a year and it was always my mother's signature on the checks. They never told us they would do it, never told us what to do with the money or how to solve our problems, never asked for anything in return, they just did it. They also sent the kids clothes and came to town, several times a year.... Over the years, I have felt their understanding that being the mom (or dad) of my household is not a exactly a piece of cake. This unspoken acknowledgement is probably the single most valuable thing my parents have given me.
We do have it great. We are very lucky. And people will remind us all the time we have nothing at all to complain about and that it could be much worse. There is great value in that way of thinking and the people who tell us this mean well. But those kinds of comments can also be alienating and show lack of understanding, especially if you're not complaining very much to begin with. Instead "it could be worse" and "you have it good" sounds more like, shut up, I don't want to hear it.
The quiet acknowledgement that something can be hard despite our good fortune causes no one harm. It's comforting for me to know that my parents understand. And to be clear, it's not pity I want. Everyone in my family shared a certain experience and they aren't about to start pitying me! But it's a certain clear-eyed understanding from my parents (and sisters) that can only come from people who also once struggled to make everything right. No one was there for my husband and me more than my parents and my sisters when times were toughest for us. No one. They listened closely. They called. And they showed up often and stayed and saw firsthand and up close what goes on in this household. My mom was the first to bravely step up to the plate to try and help us, calling me everyday from Japan. She also came to NY soon afterwards, just to tell me I was a good mom and that my boys were lucky to have me as she pulled me towards her and I sobbed and sobbed into her chest. A mom's love runs deep and this is my beautiful family.
My friend also mentioned in passing how her parents' generosity saved her and something about this statement resonated with me.
Sometimes I think I'm going straight to hell for the things I've disclosed here about my mom. She would never forgive me to read the words I've written here and I can sometimes hardly justify it myself. She would feel wholly misunderstood and unappreciated for the so many things she did right, and in many ways, you could simply read me as an ungrateful kid that needs to stop whining. I did turn out fine, after all!
My mom is in a neck brace right now but in NY with my kids, dad, and hubby. My parents took the kids to the city on Veteran's day, visited the Lego Store at Rockefeller and ate sushi for lunch... There was a time, not so long ago, when my parents sent us money, back when we were struggling to afford the house and Belac's school. I really felt they were not in the financial position to do this and tried to refuse their help, but the checks came monthly for a year and it was always my mother's signature on the checks. They never told us they would do it, never told us what to do with the money or how to solve our problems, never asked for anything in return, they just did it. They also sent the kids clothes and came to town, several times a year.... Over the years, I have felt their understanding that being the mom (or dad) of my household is not a exactly a piece of cake. This unspoken acknowledgement is probably the single most valuable thing my parents have given me.
We do have it great. We are very lucky. And people will remind us all the time we have nothing at all to complain about and that it could be much worse. There is great value in that way of thinking and the people who tell us this mean well. But those kinds of comments can also be alienating and show lack of understanding, especially if you're not complaining very much to begin with. Instead "it could be worse" and "you have it good" sounds more like, shut up, I don't want to hear it.
The quiet acknowledgement that something can be hard despite our good fortune causes no one harm. It's comforting for me to know that my parents understand. And to be clear, it's not pity I want. Everyone in my family shared a certain experience and they aren't about to start pitying me! But it's a certain clear-eyed understanding from my parents (and sisters) that can only come from people who also once struggled to make everything right. No one was there for my husband and me more than my parents and my sisters when times were toughest for us. No one. They listened closely. They called. And they showed up often and stayed and saw firsthand and up close what goes on in this household. My mom was the first to bravely step up to the plate to try and help us, calling me everyday from Japan. She also came to NY soon afterwards, just to tell me I was a good mom and that my boys were lucky to have me as she pulled me towards her and I sobbed and sobbed into her chest. A mom's love runs deep and this is my beautiful family.
Friday, November 11, 2011
gold
Sat at a bar of a busy, noisy restaurant, earlier. Nursed a glass of wine and picked at a Mediterranean salad while I played with my phone. I had been walking around downtown in uncomfortable shoes and was so happy to be warm and have a seat someplace. When I was younger, I wouldn't be caught dead at a restaurant by myself. But now I just don't really care how I appear and quite liked this. The bartenders were nice to me and just let me be. Are you okay, hon? they'd ask me now and again.
And then my meal was abruptly interrupted. An email from my best friend from high school buzzed into my mailbox. We hadn't been in touch for ages, probably not since I started writing this blog. She asked how things were going but got to the point. Our mutual friend, someone I had been close to in high school but hadn't seen in nearly 10 years, was very sick. Very sick with lymphoma, a cancer that I happened to know is challenging and nearly impossible to cure. Oh my God! I wrote back. Where is he now? Call you when I get home.
And that is how we later came to chat nearly 2 hours, like not a day had passed since we were 16. We caught up on the kids. The usual updates. Autism. Her anxiety. Life insurance. Our friend. The school we both attended and where she now sends her kids....
Before we got off the phone, I told her. You know, Sally. Sometimes I wonder if we are stronger in ways that our kids will never be. I mean, our kids are not left wanting anything from us.... Gimky, she told me. Sure. My mom locked herself in the bathroom and cried all day, then divorced my dad, ran off with a woman and still locked herself in the bathroom and cried all day! Your mom. Well, you never knew what you were in store for when you went home.... Sure. We might be strong in a lot of ways because of all that, but in other ways, there's just been a lot to figure out. When the cards fall, and they always do, I have to believe that our kids, at the end of the day, are stronger because they know their moms are available to them. It's not some foreign thing that may or may not be there. They have more security and less second guessing.
Before Regina died, she told me how depressing it was to have lived so long. A few years earlier, she had lost the one friend who knew her from childhood. The one remaining person in her life who ever met and knew her own beloved mother and could vouch for Regina's memories. Last year, Regina came to visit my awkwardly charming house over Thanksgiving. I used my wedding china for the first time ever, pulling out the dusty cups after dinner specifically to give Regina a cup of tea while I played a little piano for her.... Do I ever miss her so much. I have kept her voice message from last December. How long do things like that keep, I wonder.
Friends are important, especially the old ones. Like the song we teach our kids says so simply and knowingly. Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.
And then my meal was abruptly interrupted. An email from my best friend from high school buzzed into my mailbox. We hadn't been in touch for ages, probably not since I started writing this blog. She asked how things were going but got to the point. Our mutual friend, someone I had been close to in high school but hadn't seen in nearly 10 years, was very sick. Very sick with lymphoma, a cancer that I happened to know is challenging and nearly impossible to cure. Oh my God! I wrote back. Where is he now? Call you when I get home.
And that is how we later came to chat nearly 2 hours, like not a day had passed since we were 16. We caught up on the kids. The usual updates. Autism. Her anxiety. Life insurance. Our friend. The school we both attended and where she now sends her kids....
Before we got off the phone, I told her. You know, Sally. Sometimes I wonder if we are stronger in ways that our kids will never be. I mean, our kids are not left wanting anything from us.... Gimky, she told me. Sure. My mom locked herself in the bathroom and cried all day, then divorced my dad, ran off with a woman and still locked herself in the bathroom and cried all day! Your mom. Well, you never knew what you were in store for when you went home.... Sure. We might be strong in a lot of ways because of all that, but in other ways, there's just been a lot to figure out. When the cards fall, and they always do, I have to believe that our kids, at the end of the day, are stronger because they know their moms are available to them. It's not some foreign thing that may or may not be there. They have more security and less second guessing.
Before Regina died, she told me how depressing it was to have lived so long. A few years earlier, she had lost the one friend who knew her from childhood. The one remaining person in her life who ever met and knew her own beloved mother and could vouch for Regina's memories. Last year, Regina came to visit my awkwardly charming house over Thanksgiving. I used my wedding china for the first time ever, pulling out the dusty cups after dinner specifically to give Regina a cup of tea while I played a little piano for her.... Do I ever miss her so much. I have kept her voice message from last December. How long do things like that keep, I wonder.
Friends are important, especially the old ones. Like the song we teach our kids says so simply and knowingly. Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.
ok
Me: So how was your day?
J: Fine.
Me: Anything special happen?
J: Not really.
after a few minutes of chit chat...
J: I had my science test, today. I think it went fine.
Me: That's good! Any other checked work back?
J: Yes.... Well, I didn't do well on my math test....
Me: I heard.
J: (sniffling) I tried my best, Mom.
Me: What do you think happened?
J: I didn't understand how to do the problems on the test. It was really confusing.
Me: Why do you think that happened? We were studying all week together and I thought you were doing well.
J: Because... I didn't really study the right thing. And I asked the teacher if I could retest and she said no.... (more sniffling)
Me: So listen. We're going to learn from this. When you are at activity period, the most important thing is to touch base with the teacher. It's more important than starting your homework. Anything you don't understand you should be asking her about. And even if you think you know something, it's a good idea to confirm with the teacher that your understanding of what you need to do is correct....
J: I tried... (crying)
Me: You think I was born a good student? I didn't figure it out until college. And dad had a really hard time. We laugh about it now, but they wanted him to flunk kindergarten and he had tutors for a long time. We had to figure it out and we did figure it out and so will you. Being a good student, being organized, it takes effort. We can help you but you have to confront this. You can't get better and you can't make it all go away by leaving that test in your desk, Jake. I want you marching back to school right now and bringing that test home.
J: Mom? It's already dark outside....
Me: You have a 3 day week end, Pappa is in town and can review math with you. But he can't know what to help you with unless he sees that test. So you got a D, we all know it's a D. Big deal! You're still a smart kid who just happened to study the wrong things this time. Ask Pappa to drive you back to school. Trust me, Jake. Bring the test home, figure out the math and you will feel so much better.
J: (sniffling) Ok....
Thursday, November 10, 2011
at heart
Just finished a rehearsal around the corner and now hanging out at my cousin's dental office. Brought coffee for his colleagues, many of whom I've known for years. I really love my cousin. I could not in a million years ever be married to someone like him and think he is a bit high strung and crazy, but he is truly one of the most generous people in this world. And what I love about him, especially, is that everything is possible and no one ever owes him anything. He says yes before no and he's not someone who counts.
A dozen years ago, I moved here to be with my husband to be and we found an apartment just down the hall from my cousin. My cousin is 10 years older than me, a Taiwanese immigrant who came here for college, and someone I only got to know as an adult. We didn't realize at the time, but as we were moving in, his wife was moving out. He was going through a heartbreaking divorce. I found out later, that when she wanted to return her diamond ring and the earrings that were given her by my cousin's mom, he told her they were gifts and it was okay for her to keep them. He told me that she looked at him at that moment, on the day of their divorce, like she hadn't since the days when they were just married.
Then he actually managed to fall hard for another woman, but then proceeded to behave like a shy and impossible 12 year old boy. Many a late night, this hugely successful, confident, workaholic dentist and professor would come by. Our conversations would inevitably turn to love and life woes. Just make a move on her already! I'd say to him over and over, rolling my eyes. But he had been burned and he was too scared.
So he has 2 beautiful girls now. He has a new wife. I know there have been some very rocky times, but I think he's more content than he ever has been. And where am I? I came to Boston and made this place home before I was married and had children. Where did I think and hope I'd be today?
I certainly didn't know back then that it would be so hard to raise children. I seriously just thought my kids would easily have friends and without too much effort, get through school well enough to become doctors and lawyers like the generations before them. How much effort it is to keep a marriage alive. You mean we have to make time for each other? That I would become so uncertain - even with degrees from Juilliard - about whether I could seriously call myself a pianist. Or even if it's worthwhile to keep trying to be one since there are so many other good and better pianists out there that are doing more, recognized and appreciated so much more.
Jake's teacher just called me. He flunked a Math quiz and apparently, cried upon seeing his grade at school. This is the first year that they're getting real grades. Math and Science have always been his strongest subjects, and though he has been getting straight As in Science so far, Math has been a surprising struggle. This is a kid who never cries in public, so I can only imagine how he was feeling that he couldn't keep it inside until he got home. We've been spending 30 minutes a day studying math together. Turns out we hadn't been practicing what was actually going to be on the test. The teacher needs to be more specific and Jake needs to be more accountable and it's all okay, we'll figure it out. But seriously? I wish I were home tonight. Piano-shmano. Helping my kids is so damn frickin' hard at times, but it's really one of the very few things I truly care about. My boys are probably the only thing I've never given up on for even a minute despite whatever the challenges. It never ceases to surprise me how at heart, I really am mostly a mom.
A dozen years ago, I moved here to be with my husband to be and we found an apartment just down the hall from my cousin. My cousin is 10 years older than me, a Taiwanese immigrant who came here for college, and someone I only got to know as an adult. We didn't realize at the time, but as we were moving in, his wife was moving out. He was going through a heartbreaking divorce. I found out later, that when she wanted to return her diamond ring and the earrings that were given her by my cousin's mom, he told her they were gifts and it was okay for her to keep them. He told me that she looked at him at that moment, on the day of their divorce, like she hadn't since the days when they were just married.
Then he actually managed to fall hard for another woman, but then proceeded to behave like a shy and impossible 12 year old boy. Many a late night, this hugely successful, confident, workaholic dentist and professor would come by. Our conversations would inevitably turn to love and life woes. Just make a move on her already! I'd say to him over and over, rolling my eyes. But he had been burned and he was too scared.
So he has 2 beautiful girls now. He has a new wife. I know there have been some very rocky times, but I think he's more content than he ever has been. And where am I? I came to Boston and made this place home before I was married and had children. Where did I think and hope I'd be today?
I certainly didn't know back then that it would be so hard to raise children. I seriously just thought my kids would easily have friends and without too much effort, get through school well enough to become doctors and lawyers like the generations before them. How much effort it is to keep a marriage alive. You mean we have to make time for each other? That I would become so uncertain - even with degrees from Juilliard - about whether I could seriously call myself a pianist. Or even if it's worthwhile to keep trying to be one since there are so many other good and better pianists out there that are doing more, recognized and appreciated so much more.
Jake's teacher just called me. He flunked a Math quiz and apparently, cried upon seeing his grade at school. This is the first year that they're getting real grades. Math and Science have always been his strongest subjects, and though he has been getting straight As in Science so far, Math has been a surprising struggle. This is a kid who never cries in public, so I can only imagine how he was feeling that he couldn't keep it inside until he got home. We've been spending 30 minutes a day studying math together. Turns out we hadn't been practicing what was actually going to be on the test. The teacher needs to be more specific and Jake needs to be more accountable and it's all okay, we'll figure it out. But seriously? I wish I were home tonight. Piano-shmano. Helping my kids is so damn frickin' hard at times, but it's really one of the very few things I truly care about. My boys are probably the only thing I've never given up on for even a minute despite whatever the challenges. It never ceases to surprise me how at heart, I really am mostly a mom.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
good night
About 30 minutes into the rehearsal, I realized how much fun I was having. I performed this music with these same musicians 11 years ago, when I briefly lived in Boston. In fact, someone vaguely remembered I was pregnant with Jake when we last played this piece.... I noticed during rehearsal that the others checked in with me often. Gimky, what do you think? they wanted to know. Other times, someone asked of this and that from me. No problem. It works. And I realized, maybe I am a musician at heart after all. No better way to pass the time than to figure out and play good music with people I respect.
I was halfway back into town before I realized I accidentally left my cell on the piano. Now staying at my aunt's empty apartment, where there is no landline or internet. And nothing to really do except sign 200 holiday cards for the group and go to bed.
I was halfway back into town before I realized I accidentally left my cell on the piano. Now staying at my aunt's empty apartment, where there is no landline or internet. And nothing to really do except sign 200 holiday cards for the group and go to bed.
thank god
I love taking the train from New York to Boston. Especially on a sunny day like this, when I am lucky enough to get a window seat overlooking the water in the quiet car. I am definitely a water person. I like to swim, eat and do everything by the water. And even though this is not exactly a pleasure trip, I have a concert, it is a huge departure from my normal life and it is a very easy few days to myself.
This morning, I had 20 minutes to help Belac review for a Science test he has today. My dad watched out of the corner of his eye. Finally, he could hold back no longer. Gimky, let him go, he's not paying attention. Dad, I explained, laughing. This is what it always looks like when we study together. Believe it or not, he actually understands and the reviewing in the morning makes a difference.
Half the time we study, I spend refocusing Belac because he gets so easily distracted. This morning, I quizzed him. What is Mass? When I think about something, if I have an idea, does that idea have mass? Are you sure? How do you measure mass? In what units do you measure Mass? And meanwhile, he kept looking at the same old map of New York on the wall behind me, saying "Hey, Mom! That building looks so funny! Mom, mom, mom, MOM...! Where is that building? It looks like a ball." The whole process probably looks impossible to my dad. But you know what? Belac gives me correct answers most of the time, even when it takes him forever to answer and even when I ask him trick questions. Something is sinking in.
Do you know why I want you to do well on this test, today? I asked Belac. Belac! Are you listening? I want you to try really hard on the Science test, today. Do you know why?
Why? he asked.
Because you are so smart! You do not need an easy test because you know your Science! You can take the regular Science test like everyone else in your class. So show us what you know, okay? Try really hard on the test today!
On Monday, I was called by the principal. Belac hit a kid on the playground. This hadn't happened since nursery school, but we discussed the situation in detail and I was very apologetic. Everyday, now, before he leaves the house and before he falls asleep, we talk about behavior and different ways he can react to disappointment.
I am operating on the assumption that he's going to learn everything he needs to. I have no choice. I am pushing him to 'make' it and now is the time to teach him when he's still young and I still have some control and influence over him. So, no. I am not going to 'let him go.' I am in this for the long haul. But thank God for a few days in Boston by myself. Thank God my parents came to help so I could get away. Thank God my husband understands.
This morning, I had 20 minutes to help Belac review for a Science test he has today. My dad watched out of the corner of his eye. Finally, he could hold back no longer. Gimky, let him go, he's not paying attention. Dad, I explained, laughing. This is what it always looks like when we study together. Believe it or not, he actually understands and the reviewing in the morning makes a difference.
Half the time we study, I spend refocusing Belac because he gets so easily distracted. This morning, I quizzed him. What is Mass? When I think about something, if I have an idea, does that idea have mass? Are you sure? How do you measure mass? In what units do you measure Mass? And meanwhile, he kept looking at the same old map of New York on the wall behind me, saying "Hey, Mom! That building looks so funny! Mom, mom, mom, MOM...! Where is that building? It looks like a ball." The whole process probably looks impossible to my dad. But you know what? Belac gives me correct answers most of the time, even when it takes him forever to answer and even when I ask him trick questions. Something is sinking in.
Do you know why I want you to do well on this test, today? I asked Belac. Belac! Are you listening? I want you to try really hard on the Science test, today. Do you know why?
Why? he asked.
Because you are so smart! You do not need an easy test because you know your Science! You can take the regular Science test like everyone else in your class. So show us what you know, okay? Try really hard on the test today!
On Monday, I was called by the principal. Belac hit a kid on the playground. This hadn't happened since nursery school, but we discussed the situation in detail and I was very apologetic. Everyday, now, before he leaves the house and before he falls asleep, we talk about behavior and different ways he can react to disappointment.
I am operating on the assumption that he's going to learn everything he needs to. I have no choice. I am pushing him to 'make' it and now is the time to teach him when he's still young and I still have some control and influence over him. So, no. I am not going to 'let him go.' I am in this for the long haul. But thank God for a few days in Boston by myself. Thank God my parents came to help so I could get away. Thank God my husband understands.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
on the Hudson
Is he serious? my dad asked. What do you think about him?
My dad and I walked the grounds of Phelps Memorial, this evening. He was asking about my sister's boyfriend he will soon meet for the first time over Thanksgiving. We watched the sun set over the Hudson and it was gorgeous. Belac climbed a tree and ran ahead. My dad lagged behind, at times, as he took photos.
My mom was in no condition to walk with us. My husband pulled his back over a cord of wood he stacked yesterday. It was just my dad and me, Belac and the dog. It was so nice. I hope I can always recall this feeling and this evening of just being with my dad.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Secret Santa
Belac 11/2011
Every year, our family does Secret Santa at Thanksgiving. It means that each person gives one gift to an assigned person and each person receives a gift from another person. It means that the one gift you're bringing should cost about 30 dollars, give or take 10 or 20.... And good thing, because with 26 people at my dinner table this year, it's a relief to know that you need only to shop for one. That said, this is the 2nd year I am 'fixing' Secret Santa. In the past, the assignments have been totally random. But with this throwing together of extended family, there are awkward combinations simply better avoided.
Last year, my brother-in-law's sister brought her boyfriend she had never before introduced to family. They had been secretly together for a dozen years and their relationship was only discovered when the parents saw his name next to hers on a mortgage paper.... My brother-in-law was put to task by his family to get her to end the relationship and was completely stressed out. The family was especially upset that this one boyfriend she ever had, age 65, was once her teacher at university and now almost wholly supported by the sister, age 32.... Better that my brother-in-law and the boyfriend didn't get assigned to each other. Instead, I assigned the boyfriend to me and had one of my kids give him a bottle of wine.
This year, the sister is bringing another much younger boyfriend. All looks fine and I'm simply throwing him into the general pool. But this year, there is another dynamic to contend with. My Uncle invited his goddaughter, much to his daughters' quiet disdain.... Is it okay? I wrote my cousins, who are all at least 10 years younger than me. I can tell him there are too many people if this is a problem. One girl said yes, the other girl said no, and eventually, after much discussion, they both said yes, just let her come.
You see, my cousins lived with us from a very young age and were raised by my parents and grandmother. Though they never failed to send checks, there were years my Uncle and Aunt never visited from Taiwan. This goddaughter was part of my Uncle's everyday life back in Taiwan, his best friend's daughter. So this girl was like family to him. The goddaughter - now living in NJ - is also extremely girly-girl and traditionally oriented, now a stay-at-home mom and wife of a professional. My girl cousins are both medical doctors. They are artsy, opinionated, interesting and fiercely independent-minded in ways that might seem extreme or even unclassy from the Taiwanese perspective. But who is really better off at the core...?
The older girls studied hard, went to Stanford, University of Chicago and other prestigious schools, just what my Uncle wanted and what he sent his kids away to accomplish. They also had difficult relationships with my mom that only worsened when my grandma became sick and my sisters and I were no longer around. I called my Uncle at least 3 times to tell him about the problems at home. The last time I called, I begged my Uncle to please move to Michigan, just for a school year. His son, the youngest, was not on speaking terms with my mom and my grandma was gone, his primary caretaker, but my Uncle said he just couldn't. And so his son was sent off to the local boarding school to finish high school. I would also say he is the most lost of his children....
My uncle sacrificed his relationship with his children for I don't know what. And now it's his best friend's daughter that he has something real with, the one who, ironically, is at home with a child and has no prestigious education to boast of and the one he wants to make sure we include this Thanksgiving. It speaks to my cousins' characters that they include this girl and that they are the first to come to my mother's defense when my Uncle so wants to say the slightest negative thing about her. My cousins had it much tougher than my sisters and me. They actually had parents who wouldn't come for them when asked, sending more and more money instead. And so this year, for the sake of my cousins, it's the goddaughter I have taken out of the mix. I will be her secret santa and she will be one of my kids'.
And this is the amazing, beautiful, confusing and sometimes, painful thing called family.
Friday, November 4, 2011
walk for your life
My second cousin's kids are staying with us while they wait for their electricity to be restored, and today we walked Belac to school. Walk to the side, I instructed as oncoming foot traffic approached. I understand that one of my cousin's boys gets up at 5:45am to get on a bus at 6:20 to get to his local public school by 7am. And even though that was our life, not so long ago, it now seems crazy to me.
I am grateful my kids walk to school and we don't need wheels. I am grateful for what this means for Jake, especially, because it ensures him a certain freedom he otherwise wouldn't have. When his brother gets older and if he still needs me to come get him at school, Jake can still just walk home on his own and have his distance at times. And I appreciate the built-in practice Belac has everyday of saying hello and thank you to others, adjusting to the pace of foot traffic and the whims of the weather, to and from school. No more sitting on a school bus and spacing out. Walking and being out in the community is so much better for him.
It also means that the boys have more time on both ends of the day because they don't have a big commute or a bus to catch. It means we are not isolated because we can walk places and we are accessible to kids who want or need to come by. And while I'd like to think that people just love us for us and they'd come even if we were miles away, I can't help but think that our location helps.
Sometimes I am preoccupied and worried by all of the endless repairs this house needs. At least one other tree really needs to come down and it's going to cost $2800. There's rotting wood and peeling paint on the outside that I can't stand looking at but will have to live with for awhile. There's evidence of water damage on a couple of ceilings. The house is totally drafty. There's electrical work to be done and the plumber comes again on Monday....
But the bottom line is, we lucked out with this house. I know I sometimes look back at the house-with-the-hill and those early days wistfully, but the reality is, we were lucky to get out when we did given our changed circumstances. And even if autism had never struck, this lifestyle is clearly better for all of us. We are lucky to be here and lucky to be walking.
I am grateful my kids walk to school and we don't need wheels. I am grateful for what this means for Jake, especially, because it ensures him a certain freedom he otherwise wouldn't have. When his brother gets older and if he still needs me to come get him at school, Jake can still just walk home on his own and have his distance at times. And I appreciate the built-in practice Belac has everyday of saying hello and thank you to others, adjusting to the pace of foot traffic and the whims of the weather, to and from school. No more sitting on a school bus and spacing out. Walking and being out in the community is so much better for him.
It also means that the boys have more time on both ends of the day because they don't have a big commute or a bus to catch. It means we are not isolated because we can walk places and we are accessible to kids who want or need to come by. And while I'd like to think that people just love us for us and they'd come even if we were miles away, I can't help but think that our location helps.
Sometimes I am preoccupied and worried by all of the endless repairs this house needs. At least one other tree really needs to come down and it's going to cost $2800. There's rotting wood and peeling paint on the outside that I can't stand looking at but will have to live with for awhile. There's evidence of water damage on a couple of ceilings. The house is totally drafty. There's electrical work to be done and the plumber comes again on Monday....
But the bottom line is, we lucked out with this house. I know I sometimes look back at the house-with-the-hill and those early days wistfully, but the reality is, we were lucky to get out when we did given our changed circumstances. And even if autism had never struck, this lifestyle is clearly better for all of us. We are lucky to be here and lucky to be walking.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
my world
You know why I am not a real pianist? I was supposed to play a concert in NJ, today, but the event was cancelled due to power outages. Am I sad? Not exactly. It's one less thing to do on an already busy day. I would have had to speed from my morning classes to get there on time, then rush home to make my first lesson of the afternoon.... Of course I could have cancelled the teaching but am now glad I didn't.
I have had a little ache in my back. Last time this happened, I had a problem that required surgery. Next week I go the doctor, so I'm not worrying about it yet. But you know what, I realize? If I had only months to live what would I do? I'd quit the piano without a thought. I'd stop the lessons and the nursery school classes, too. Interestingly, though, I wouldn't be so quick to give up the mommy and me classes. It's time that is meaningful and creative to me.... I would also still blog, everyday and find someone to clean my house everyday! Most of all, I'd want to be with my kids and take them everywhere, all over NYC, to the Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Alaska, and other amazing places.
Steve Jobs died a few weeks ago and he made me think. What is my legacy? How do I want to be remembered? And really, it's all about Jake and Belac. They are my world. And more important than anything, I've been thinking lately, is getting my kids to be less dependent on me. I'm not exactly planning on dying anytime soon, mind you. But I want them to be able to survive anything. I want them to pick themselves up and figure things out, over and over as necessary. I want them to be resilient and unafraid and actively nice. People who think for themselves and help others, while they're at it....
Lily's mom just called because Lily wants a play date with Belac. It's just shocking to me in so many ways. In the back of my mind I think maybe he will make it, one day. And it's the kind of thing for both of my boys that I don't want to miss for anything!
I have had a little ache in my back. Last time this happened, I had a problem that required surgery. Next week I go the doctor, so I'm not worrying about it yet. But you know what, I realize? If I had only months to live what would I do? I'd quit the piano without a thought. I'd stop the lessons and the nursery school classes, too. Interestingly, though, I wouldn't be so quick to give up the mommy and me classes. It's time that is meaningful and creative to me.... I would also still blog, everyday and find someone to clean my house everyday! Most of all, I'd want to be with my kids and take them everywhere, all over NYC, to the Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Alaska, and other amazing places.
Steve Jobs died a few weeks ago and he made me think. What is my legacy? How do I want to be remembered? And really, it's all about Jake and Belac. They are my world. And more important than anything, I've been thinking lately, is getting my kids to be less dependent on me. I'm not exactly planning on dying anytime soon, mind you. But I want them to be able to survive anything. I want them to pick themselves up and figure things out, over and over as necessary. I want them to be resilient and unafraid and actively nice. People who think for themselves and help others, while they're at it....
Lily's mom just called because Lily wants a play date with Belac. It's just shocking to me in so many ways. In the back of my mind I think maybe he will make it, one day. And it's the kind of thing for both of my boys that I don't want to miss for anything!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Brazilian steak
An amazing, surreal few days. Heavy snowfall in October. Power out. One night in the dark and sleeping before a fire. A sweet sleepover in Kati's warm house the next night. A decadent feast of grilled Brazilian steak, 2 Quebec sugar pies and everything else of ours that either wouldn't fit in her fridge or survive another day. A new snowblower, I never knew I could be so happy about a machine! Downed trees and possibly losing all of our trees in the back to an axe.... Jake's oreo costume winning 1st place in a contest (a sort of bittersweet story for another day). Trick or treating in snow boots with half the village dark. And now my second cousin's family is here from CT, riding out their power outage. Then my mom called to tell me that she got an okay from her doctor to come to NY on Sunday as we had originally planned months ago. I'm leaving for Boston next week for a concert....
But mostly, looking back at these few days, I am just so sad about soon losing my friend Kati to California.
MOM! I heard Jake call to me as he found me at the elementary school playground. I was in the middle of talking to Belac's teacher after school.
I put out my hand to ask him to wait.
GIMKY! Kati's daughter, in 8th grade, interrupted with so much joy. JAKE WON FIRST PLACE IN HIS GRADE FOR BEST COSTUME!!!
There was a contest?
Do you know how much it means to me, to know that someone could be genuinely happy for him or anyone in our family? That someone could know that more important than getting a few words in with Belac's teacher, that I'd want to know more that this happened, today? The thing about Kati and Kati's girls, is that they simply understand us and how we, like them, need and want to appreciate those passing good moments, however small. Unlike with most people, there's no competition. I just feel they want everything to go well for us, and it's not a true feeling I get from most people.
I heard Kati tell Jake how proud she is of him for working hard and how his good grades in Science are well-deserved. I see how she always takes a moment to talk directly with him. One day, back when I didn't know her very well yet, she told me out of the blue. "I just want you to know that I really love Belac...." I blinked back tears and was slightly alarmed. "I know how much you worry about him and I recognize his problems, but I really feel he's going to be okay" and then articulated the reasons why. I overheard one of the daughters ask Belac if he had fun at a sleepover, and noticed how she waited so patiently for him to finally answer. I noticed, last night, how another daughter kind of lingered near her mom, knowing and almost waiting for me to hug and kiss her goodnight before turning around and heading out the door. It's those little things that are so huge. And you know what else? She has 3 daughters, like my mom did. And it's proof positive to me that it is possible for a mom to have a strong and loving relationship with her girls. I'm not crazy for thinking that such a thing is possible and it makes me happy and relieved to see this in my lifetime.
They haven't even gone yet and I already miss them.
But mostly, looking back at these few days, I am just so sad about soon losing my friend Kati to California.
MOM! I heard Jake call to me as he found me at the elementary school playground. I was in the middle of talking to Belac's teacher after school.
I put out my hand to ask him to wait.
GIMKY! Kati's daughter, in 8th grade, interrupted with so much joy. JAKE WON FIRST PLACE IN HIS GRADE FOR BEST COSTUME!!!
There was a contest?
Do you know how much it means to me, to know that someone could be genuinely happy for him or anyone in our family? That someone could know that more important than getting a few words in with Belac's teacher, that I'd want to know more that this happened, today? The thing about Kati and Kati's girls, is that they simply understand us and how we, like them, need and want to appreciate those passing good moments, however small. Unlike with most people, there's no competition. I just feel they want everything to go well for us, and it's not a true feeling I get from most people.
I heard Kati tell Jake how proud she is of him for working hard and how his good grades in Science are well-deserved. I see how she always takes a moment to talk directly with him. One day, back when I didn't know her very well yet, she told me out of the blue. "I just want you to know that I really love Belac...." I blinked back tears and was slightly alarmed. "I know how much you worry about him and I recognize his problems, but I really feel he's going to be okay" and then articulated the reasons why. I overheard one of the daughters ask Belac if he had fun at a sleepover, and noticed how she waited so patiently for him to finally answer. I noticed, last night, how another daughter kind of lingered near her mom, knowing and almost waiting for me to hug and kiss her goodnight before turning around and heading out the door. It's those little things that are so huge. And you know what else? She has 3 daughters, like my mom did. And it's proof positive to me that it is possible for a mom to have a strong and loving relationship with her girls. I'm not crazy for thinking that such a thing is possible and it makes me happy and relieved to see this in my lifetime.
They haven't even gone yet and I already miss them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)