Doing it

Hubby came home and told me he is emotionally invested in this business. He realized this as he listened to me talk to the consultant. That it's important to help people. Change the world. That even not making much money, even floating it, that if we help change lives for the better, it's worthy.

He went to look at this domain name I have owned for 5 years or more. An avalanche begins with a snowflake, he read aloud.  OMG, come back in 2010?? I exclaimed, looking over his shoulder. He laughed. Well , it's 2014.  We are better equipped to do this now.

Charlie

Hubby and I had had an evening to make a spread sheet and run some numbers. We had even visited the property for sale in the evening, looking at the building from the outside and discussing the possibilities. So at breakfast, the next morning, we were both then astonished to hear the property was already to contract. The price had dropped another 20K just a week ago, so those 4 offers much have JUST happened! Someone got a great deal, indeed.

Driving by the house we first rented upon arriving to Sunny Patch, hubby pointed, Look! The beautiful maple is gone. Drive slowly! I told him and looked. What a nice house, right....?  I wonder if he still wants to sell it. But what do you think? We drove around the corner and stopped to study it. The thing is, you have to access other properties to get to it. Does he own all 3 multi-family properties? Riding on sheer momentum, I later wrote him:

***********

Dear Charlie,

We hope you have been well! We've loved being in Sunny Patch and our boys have settled in nicely to the schools. We often pass by your house and reminisce about the great year and a half we had living there.

And that being said, I wanted to let you know, that if you ever decide to sell your house or other property at the corner, please let us know. Looking forward, our kids will grow up sooner than later and we won't be needing the big house we are in now. However, we could see ourselves happily at home in a set up such as 430. 

By the way, it looks like you lost the beautiful tree out front! However, the landscaping still looks wonderful.

All the best!

Gimky

***********'

Dear Gimky and Moe,

So nice to hear from you and glad things are going well for you and your family.

Yes, the grand Maple had to be taken down, but hopefully the plantings will now have room to breath.

Regarding 430 and your interest in it, is something I would gladly discuss with you.

Please feel free to email further thoughts or please call me.

Best Regards,

Charlie

***************

and then an hour later....

Dear Gimky and Moe,

If we consider a sale of 430 is this something you would be interested at this time or down the road?

Charlie

****************

Crazy. You'd think we were millionaires! We aren't. At all. But I feel like we aren't going to get ahead and weather the future better without doing certain things to prepare. And that might involve some calculated risk.

Charlie calls tonight.

call #1

I had a conference call with a web design firm, this morning. My first call! And boy, have they really set the bar high for the others. Over the course of the year, I have read everything on their website and listened to their webinars. I've learned more there than at any other design website I visited. They have fancy clients with household names and I was initially afraid to call and be laughed at. But I kept coming back to them, so on my list they went. After several reschedulings and an NDA, we finally talked this morning. Hubby could thankfully be on the call as the info tech/business expert and note taker, while I did most of the talking. It was a very thorough discussion about my web-based business idea and what they could do for me.

The consultant on the line let something slip that we knew to be fact, and made me realize he's good. We had not talked about numbers or cost or financing at all. He remarked in passing that the tool would be valuable even if we had only 150 sign up and it didn't achieve it's ultimate goal. This is absolutely correct from a hardcore money perspective and from just general value add perspective.

If we go forward, it will be about 350 hours of work @ a rate of a good chunk of change. But it was not so infinitely far away from what I thought it would cost when going with a smaller and less established firm.  That discovery was absolutely shocking and exciting to me. 

I would seriously have my work cut out for me to do this, pounding the pavement and getting everyone on board. It's scary! But you know what I found out? Whether we go with this company or not, it is within reach. It's a risky venture in a way, because it costs a wad of dough and a ton of my time and I cannot let it flop!! But at this point, on the heels of ripping my hair out over Belac's Hebrew School, I feel it's a riskier proposition not to try. 

it's time

Ran into Ben's dad on the way to Hebrew School pick up. How are things going? How is school? He didn't respond for at least a few seconds. That great, eh? I asked, and we both smiled knowingly. It's hard. The kid is wicked smart and quick. Very funny. But he has no filter at all and it's hard. And now it's middle school and he's back to having an aide trailing him after a trial run of independence. He didn't have to say anything, I knew and felt his pain. But I also didn't know that Ben's mom was having medical problems and was recently in the hospital....

I soon arrived to the Hebrew school and was astonished to find Belac crying and pacing. The Director alerted me to an earlier incident during this hustle and bustle of dismissal. I was introduced to the teacher who proceeded to lecture Belac with arms crossed, you don't talk to me like that. I didn't understand what was happening. She was lecturing over what? What happened? She wouldn't let me get water and I really needed water. My arm needed it, Mom! I'm never coming back here again! I hate Hebrew School!! Usually tending towards initially apologizing on behalf of my son's non compliant behavior I was so confused. His arm was swollen and hot from an immunization. Why wouldn't you let him go get some water? Do you know why he was so uncomfortable and agitated? Well did you ask? What was so important that you couldn't just let him go? Instead she was busy lecturing about his staying in his seat and was not able to explain anything to me. I looked at her, why are you talking to my son that way? This is the way you talk to him? And now to me...? And this is the way we have a meeting with parents...? He's been talking to you like this "all year" and this is the first I'm hearing of it? Are you kidding me???

My voice was shaking as I admonished the director in the calmest way I could, in front of everyone around us because that was the way they chose to discuss this with me. In public. I had not been absolutely livid like this in years and I was so proud. Proud and full of love for my kid who just deserves a little understanding and compassion. So this is it??  Not letting him get water to soothe his arm to prove a point? This is how it's going down, after trying so hard to make it work here? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT HE IS JUST A KID? AND THAT HE MAY LOOK NORMAL BUT HE DOES HAVE A DIAGNOSIS OF AUTISM AND IS SPECIAL NEEDS. WE ARE ADULTS, RIGHT? NOT KIDS, BUT ADULTS!

I volunteer here like there is no tomorrow. I play in the band. I get people to come to dinners, get up and dance, and reach out to people. Hubby gives the synagogue financial advice. They ask and ask and we give and give so much sweat to this place and this is fucking it? That's how much they don't want to deal with my son? But it's not about tit for tat, either. Dot wrote. They should be especially accommodating because your hubby is on the board. And for this comment I went absolutely crazy. THEY HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO US BECAUSE I PAID THEM TO EDUCATE MY CHILD. NO SPECIAL TREATMENT NECESSARY EXCEPT THEIR COMMITMENT TO MAKE THIS A PRODUCTIVE AND MEANINGFUL EDUCATION FOR EVERY KID WHO SIGNS UP. IF THEY CAN'T FULFILL THEIR PROMISE, IT IS THEIR OBLIGATION TO TELL ME THEY CAN'T HANDLE HIM OR DON'T WANT HIM AND SEND US ON OUR MERRY WAY.

If there is a god, he was sending me a clear message.  START THE BUSINESS YOU NEED. FOR YOU. FOR BEN. FOR ALL THE BELACS OUT THERE.

Wow

Hey Gimky, As it turns out the house has an acceptable offer with an all cash deal and the contracts are at the buyers attorney. They had four offers on the property. I think it is not worth seeing unless you were prepared to be extremely aggressive. Let me know your thoughts. Tucker

Wowee. No way we could have competed with that.

ideas

I know I'm insane. But I'm trying to look at a multiple house tomorrow. It's less than a mile from our house. It's a little over a mile to the local university, which will in a few years have a transition program for high functioning special needs kids. It's a half block from town and the train. It's in a mixed area of multiple housing and professional offices. There is a sidewalk. You see where I'm going?

I did the calculations. It will probably be just a 4% return on investment. For now. But in the future it is potentially something far more valuable. What if? What if Belac lives there with a room mate? Or even a girlfriend/wife? Commutes into art school in Manhattan? Dot's daughter lives there with a room mate? Gets a job in town? Is in walking distance from her mom? The top floor, 3rd apartment, could be reserved for any of the family members of the tenants to come visit or a care taker if necessary?  It could be temporary housing. A pit stop. Or something more permanent. It gives grown kids autonomy while still having support of family nearby and roommates that are carefully selected. A sort of private cooperative housing?

And if we own the building, it could pay itself theoretically with the rental income. Belac and the other young adults would never have to drive if they worked in town or someplace near the train. And they could learn independence nearby.

Ever since I met Dr. Ashton's kid, this is what I've been thinking about. The future. And this house? I pass it almost everyday! And in 2 years since the sign has been up? It's dropped 200K.

growth

Jake grew 5 inches and gained 15 pounds. He's now 5'3" and 91 pounds. At age 13, 66% for height and 28% for weight. 11% BMI. I'm almost 5'5". At this rate, he will be taller than me by next year.

Belac grew 1-1/2 inches and gained 5 pounds. At age 11, he is at 1% for height and 0% for weight and continues to be falling off his own curve. 5% BMI. It's bad news. The pediatrician looked at me knowingly and said very little in front of Belac, but asked to speak with me privately when we were done.

Belac blinked back tears and wiped his eyes seeing the scale at 48 pounds. I'm so small! I'm still at 48 pounds! Why am I not growing? Why am I not growing? We go back to Columbia Presbyterian soon and the pediatrician believes they will recommend growth hormone.

Do you need a hug? I asked Belac. I'm okay, mom, he told me as he wiped his eyes. Mom? he told me, I got an 86 on a Science test, today. That's not good, that sucks, actually.

It's good, sweetie pie, it's good enough, I told him. It's all relative, isn't it? And that's the problem.

facing up

If I run slowly, aka jog, I can travel 3-5 miles without a problem. The only thing is that the treadmill is a total drag. It helps a tiny bit when I listen to U2, Coldplay or any happy music that's close to the beat of my step. At least 3 miles every other day is my promise and it felt good today.

Lulu's family coming for dinner. When another family couldn't come I asked another, who also couldn't come. And then everyone texted me, this morning. Everyone's coming. And that's how I'm now baking bread and cooking for 16. It's good news, though. I love big dinners and this kind of stuff. 

Soon I bring the kids to the doctor. No doubt he will have already received Dr. Ashton's notes. Belac has a weigh in and I fear he has still not cracked 50 lbs. And Jake. He has a mandatory heart consult because of his brother. No symptoms, but they want to know. And you know? I just have to be prepared to hear whatever I hear.

It's good to face up. Something has seriously clicked for Jake since seeing Dr. Ashton on Monday. There is a bounce in his step and I just can tell something is different for the better. As of yet, no medication, no org coach, but he's been running everyday and being more careful of his stuff and he just seems more at peace. Is having it all out with Dr. Ashton enough? Being told it's not his fault but that he has to learn to be proactive of his challenges from an unemotional 3rd party? Is that all it takes? Not sure, but whatever's happening, it's good.

Happy Friday.

questions

Jake came to me twice, last night. Mom? I heard from the doorway in the pitch dark, I can't sleep.... I kissed and tucked him in, fixed his tumbling over blankets and ordered him to 1) please count sheep  --- Mom, are you kidding me? he giggled his head off. No, count them, you'll seriously put yourself to sleep! 2) Think about something you're going to build in minecraft.... By the way, I interrupted myself, why can't you sleep?  I have no idea! Are you worried about something? No. Are you having any bad dreams or feelings? No. Nagging thoughts? No. Visions of girls you can't stop thinking about? MOM! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...??  More laughing. Okay, then, I said, you sound fine. Count some sheep, okay? I found out later that hubby went to him, too, and let him read for awhile. In fact, they both read, because they both couldn't sleep.

Hubby has concerns about work and how things are going. He feels like a mouse on a wheel. But we as a unit aren't mobile, can't just pick up and leave that easily. Jake has friends that took this long to make after our last move. He has achieved a certain emotional stability and we really can't do that to him if we can help it. You know, I pointed out to hubby, NY is a big place. Maybe we can find another opportunity here...? Or maybe it's more about making the best of our time outside of work?

What do people want, over all? To be challenged appropriately and appreciated. To not get stuck in the same old, same old. If you're in the right emotional space, you want to be around people who inspire and grow with you. So I'm not really concerned or thinking about what could have been. It could have been a lot of things. What I really want to know now is, what can it be?

Yesterday, a dad brought his daughter to class. It was his first time. Wow, she just loves the music! he observed. She's doing great! I agreed, Reila has really been following along well and taking initiative in class! She has blossomed! Before I left, he came to find me again. You know what I worry about? he said, I grew up in Queens, and for all the great things about Westchester, I worry that the hoity toity kids here, you know, that they'll be mean to her. For sure his wife had told him about my boys. She substitutes at their school and knows about Belac's challenges. I am also 7 years ahead of them down this road, and she's had a lot of questions, even being the educator she is.

You know what happened to my son, last week? His buddies left him by himself at the lunch table. He had no idea why. Had no idea what to do about it. Just sat and ate and tried not to cry. Omg! he said, that's what I'm scared of for my daughter, that makes even me want to cry!! First of all, I said, she has time. It's not going to happen in elementary school. Middle school is hard and gets clicky and there's less social oversight. She has some years before any of this begins, I reassured him, and besides, you're going to focus on making sure she develops a few good friends during elementary school. Second, I heard Joel Haber the "Bully Coach" speak in a lecture last year. And what he said really reassured me. We, as parents, cannot control what happens in school, but what we can control is our home environment. The most at risk kids are not safe or happy at school or at home. So the important thing, the crucial thing, is making home a safe and accepting and happy enough place to be for our kids, a place where they never feel isolated.

Maybe this exchange could not have happened on the internet. And that community is really all about throwing yourself out there, physically, and these impressionable happen-chance meetings. But when you have no place to go and you need information and support, maybe virtual exchanges can be very real and the much needed salve until dawn. On the right platform, you get the appropriate self-selecting crowd, not because they are experts charging you an arm and a leg, but because these individuals have lived it themselves, for better and worse, and have something so valuable to share. At least that's what I'm hoping. The best outcome is if the most viable virtual exchanges develop over time into positive, real relationships. 

No doubt, there are helpful exchanges. But how real are virtual interactions? Where does real begin on the virtual continuum of message posts, blog, email, text, video conference to face-to-face meeting? How do you know I am not an alcoholic, 250lb, pathologically lying 64 year old man in Alaska that's pretending to be a 44 year old, know it all in Westchester County during his spare time? 

breakfast

Currently obsessed with kale and quinoa. Trying to eat for better energy and nutrition.

Ran 3 miles, yesterday, first time in a week.

Currently reading "That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week." It's not bad, at least I'm 35 pages in and still reading....

Asking the web design places I'm looking into to sign a NDA. My first conference call is on Friday. It seems kind of presumptuous to have someone sign such a thing, but hubby tells me it's necessary.  This idea has been brewing for the past 8 years while I've been deeply entrenched in this special needs world and needing just this thing. I don't want someone else running away with my ideas....

My tea bag reads: Let your heart speak to other's hearts. I love that. And generally, my business has everything to do with that and building community.

Off to class.

review

Soulful
Passionate
Playful
Delicate
Her sense of ensemble brilliant
The remarkable shimmer of her accompaniment

That's ME...?  I think I've been playing well, lately, but it's extra nice that someone else thought so, too.

perspective

Is Belac depressed?  Dr. Ashton interrupted his own dictation to our pediatrician. He had just dictated that Belac had trouble navigating the middle school social scene.

I paused and didn't say anything. Is he depressed, I thought to myself. And that's when I told him about Belac using the words, last week, "if my life doesn't get better I'm going to commit suicide." At this point, Dr. Ashton did not move a muscle except to stop his recorder with the click of his thumb and just look at me.

Do I think he's depressed? I didn't answer the question directly. If you asked Belac, he wouldn't even know. How would I know? He's always had a strong temperament and not the most easy going kid. But I've been thinking about it since the appointment. I don't think he's depressed. He gets up early to draw and finish projects, he wants to show our family his animations and movies, and we all laugh and revel in his creative ideas no one else could ever dream up. He is excited about his creations and sharing them with us. Our family appreciates him. He always meets hubby at the door with a hug. Hangs with the dog and spoils him with treats and tries to get him to come to bed with him.... Dinner is almost always 45 minutes long with the entire family, and it's pretty easy for the most part. No one is running off, wanting to get away. He looks forward to his animation class, to boys group at school, to the media arts lab, to summer, and today he planned to play cops and robbers at recess, but with my encouragement, packed his sketchpad just in case they didn't go outside and he found himself not knowing what to do....

But he does despair about his weight and height. He does despair about his concentration. And now realizes he's different from most kids when all he wants is to fit in. He does love Flower so deeply, like no other kid, and behaves the best he ever does around her. She gets the best of him. He does want to work at Pixar so badly. Like it's this huge, obsessive dream of his.  And he worries he won't be good enough. I tell him he'll start his own company, but he really doesn't want that, won't consider any alternative.... He's very black and white, this kid. All or nothing, type. Do I think he wants to commit suicide? I think he feels despair at times when things don't go his way. And in those moments, he feels like the world is falling apart and not worth living. But, it almost always passes eventually after his obsessing about whatever is on hand. Someone makes him laugh, he decides something else, hubby and I push him incessantly to see it some other way, in another positive light.... Based on what goes on at home, I really do not believe he's depressed nor serious about killing himself. He is not isolated. He does have real friends. And he is very forthcoming with me about what troubles him. Whatever their difficulties outside of home, I feel confident in saying that home is generally a safe, easy, happy place to be and my kids like it here.

How's the peanut free table going? He's eaten there every day except for yesterday, when he found Flower to eat with. So how do you like it there? I asked after his first meal there. I love it! he told me, 10 out of 10! And that's Belac for you. Things are either Amazing or Terrible, with the occasional Okay, aka uneventful. Where are you eating today? I asked Belac as he packed up and left the house, this morning. With Ethan and Ben, he told me. At the peanut free table? You like it there? Yeah, he told me, I like it.

You know what? It sucks that Ethan's dad is such an ass and his mom, single parent, needs help with her kids. Ethan comes every Thursday for an hour and often on the week ends. It sucks that Ben is on the spectrum and needs an aide, despite being so smart and quick. It sucks they have peanut allergies and I have epi pens in my house that I show other adults how to use. It sucks that Belac has trouble socially.... but this is life. There are sucky things wherever you look. The important thing is? Ethan's family found our family and our family found theirs. We help each other. Ben was in Belac's class for a brief period of time before changes were made, but enough for them to become buddies. The thing is. You compensate.You figure out ways. And it might even be better, more real, more sincere, more character building, more strengthening, than if things had been perfect from the beginning.

step

In vaguest terms, I finally wrote a few web design firms on my list:

Basically, I am starting a service that introduces and builds bridges between special education providers and the families of their clients. Looking to build a dynamic, user-friendly website to facilitate these relationships. 

Of course it is so much more than that, and that's what is overwhelming. But today Ella pushed me. A step, take a step. You don't have to do it all at once, get the skeleton together and you'll add to it. It's a passion for you, you've been working on the message for years... it's a way to help others, more than just one student at a time....

This is a girl who now has 140 families in her music program and is now expanding from Upper Upper Westside to Middle of the Upper Westside, like in a prime location. I am so proud of her! But I have seen her working her tail off morning to night, every day, every night, every second, just to get everything flying....! She doesn't have a spare second! Still, she tells me, it's the most satisfying, amazing thing!

Today she pushed me. Today I took a step.

being mommy

There are no guns in the house? Dr. Ashton whispered.

No guns in the house, I confirmed.

Belac, I heard Dr. Ashton ask quietly. What did you mean when you said you wanted to kill yourself?

Well, I didn't really mean it, he said.

Dr. Ashton and I looked at each other. I looked at Belac. Belac, I am going to tell him what happened to you on Tuesday, okay? We should let him know.  I turned to the doctor. On Tuesday, Belac sat down at lunch and his buddies left him. Moved away. He didn't understand why and Belac was very upset about it and his feelings were hurt. He told me he felt like a loser because he was by himself at lunch....

I could see Dr. Ashton's face and I could tell he felt for Belac, even while holding himself professionally. The middle school social scene is difficult, he simply said.

Belac and I have talked a lot about how having 1 or 2 really good friends is, in many ways, much better and more important than having a lot of not so good friends. He is concerned about having enough friends. And also, that --- Belac, I am going to tell Dr. Ashton, okay? Belac is concerned that if his life doesn't change and he can't concentrate better, he won't be able to work at Pixar. We're going to help with the concentration piece, Belac, Dr. Ashton interjected. Belac has also told me, I continued, that when he's with just one other kid, it's fine. But when he is with 3 or more kids, including himself, he finds the interactions confusing. He is not able to follow the conversations and the kids are usually laughing about something he can't figure out and he feels left out. He says he feels left out a lot. He is also concerned that he doesn't have enough friends, although we have talked a lot about the important of quality and not quantity of friendships....

Again, I just knew under his professional demeanor, Dr. Ashton really felt for Belac.

His own son had just interrupted the appointment. An articulate, sweet 20 something kid. I listened to Dr. Ashton explain something about the boy's car registration. And how an overdue bill arrived and it needed to be paid. Some discussion about how a payment website wasn't working.... and then a natural hug goodbye between the two of them. The boy turned and said, so sorry to interrupt! And then Dr. Ashton introduced us. Belac, this is my son. He has ADD, too, and he is my poster child!

Getting back to the appointment, and sitting back at his desk, he told me. It took him 7 years to graduate college.... He is now living on his own, has a life skills coach that checks in on him regularly. My son is brilliant, reads 200 words a minute and teaches physics, one on one! And when he finally moved out of the house, our relationship blossomed. He's been launched into the real world and I just couldn't be more proud of him.

I was really moved to hear this. I mean. Here Dr. Ashton was voted one of best doctors in NY. He's so distinguished. And to see and hear how proud he is of his son, who in certain ways, has not and probably will not accomplish what his father did, but probably worked harder to get to where he is than his father did to achieve his greatness.... And now all I wanted to have was an hour to myself with Dr. Ashton, to understand how he got to where he was, this point of acceptance and love. Of not being afraid for his kid or disappointed in how things turned out.

We talked about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He gave me a reference of a psychologist, who works with kids like Belac in this area. More important than speech or sports, he felt this was important. He told me, Belac is a good enough looking kid with normal intelligence. He's going to be a target. Listen, the kids know not to tease a Down's Syndrome kid. So they tease the one that looks normal but is different....

Leaving the office, he passed by and didn't stop, saying, you're a good mommy. The comment took me by surprise and I found myself blinking. I so often don't know what I'm doing and my kids seem to need such specialized, elusive things, beyond anything I ever needed or was remotely given me by my own mother. I have never ever joked about or contemplated killing myself. Ever. Or had difficulties making friends. Or forcing myself to concentrate. But I love my boys and am trying to help them. Even if he was trying to be nice or encouraging, I appreciate this vote of confidence.

ADD

Jake 3/14

The good news is, Dr. Ashton explained, those with ADD are usually creative types. And the world needs interesting and creative people. The bad news is, you have certain tendencies that make things harder for you, and we have to figure out how to make life more manageable for you. It's not your fault, no one asks for this...

And at this point I could see Jake holding back emotion. It's good that he was being told that last point from a medical doctor. How often did Jake feel it was all his fault, especially being on the receiving end of my frustration for another lost or forgotten item or task?

I really appreciate Dr. Ashton for getting to the point and being precise. How Jake was in on every part of our consult and nothing was 'hidden' from him, even when I answered the doctor's questions candidly. Dr. Ashton had geeky toys in the office that Jake amused himself a little with and they occasionally made informal chitchat over the items. It was the most relaxed tenor we ever had to discuss Jake's inattention from clinical, behavioral, academic and emotional perspectives. I feel it was really for Jake's benefit to hear it all. We weren't going over anything I already didn't know.

I am proud of Jake for asking certain important questions about what he could do. I listened to an association part of testing and laughed aloud at certain points. Tree to sap is like animals to - WHAT? the doctor asked. Pancreatic juice, Jake answered immediately. Well, that's a first, but I'll take it, the doctor commented and kept moving on. He did very well on the reading, summarizing and answering questions aloud about the whys of everyone's particular behavior in a story. Under the gun, his math was shaky, but whatever. It's clear that Jake is a creative, humanities kind of kid. Though inattentive, he is not on the spectrum. He does not have the rigidity, odd behaviors and very narrow field of interests like his brother.

He is a really, really great kid, my Jake. He feels so deeply and he really tries. But after years and years of trying to keep it together and to keep focused, and trying with me and hubby on him, it's a relief to finally get some professional help. I know that so many kids are diagnosed with ADHD, these days, and everyone pops pills and they are generally over prescribed, so is this outcome a surprise? I don't know ultimately what we're going to do or continue once we 'try.' Jake is really against pills and I won't force him. But you know what? The important thing is, Jake and me, sitting down with Dr. Ashton, was great. Calmly facing it together and analyzing the situation. A good beginning to figuring things out.

merci beaucoup

Dear Monsieur,

Thank you so much for sending the form to Dr. Ashton on Jake's behalf. Our appointment was amazing, actually, and Jake was part of the discussion every step of the way.

We are going to try 2 new things in the coming weeks, both behaviorally (weekly organizational coach who will supposedly coordinate with school) and medicinally. I will be very interested in knowing if you see any difference, however, it will take a couple of weeks for me to set things up.

It was a lot for Jake, who was surprised and slightly weepy to hear "it's not your fault." However, he understands going forward that he really needs to 1) know himself, and 2) figure out ways to proactively help himself.

As always, thank you for everything!

Gimky

Over 30 years ago

my mom making bkfst for my boys 3/14

I've been meaning to write you, Gimky, and I didn't know how, she told me. You just should have, I exclaimed and was now immediately concerned, what's going on? We were both early for the concert and sat, still with coats on, barely unpacking.

Someone has been fired at the University and there is a criminal investigation, she began. Everyone on faculty is now being asked what they know.  I have read the report and though he isn't named, he is in there.  And it goes back to when he was just a kid. Even a letter from his mother demanding answers from the Dean....

Oh my god!  I gasped. He told me his mother did not know and it would have killed her.

Well, there was a letter  to the University that was over 30 years old found with his mother expressing grave concern, having found her son dressed in only his underwear at her colleague's house. And in the report, it states that he disclosed the details to his mom only after college. There are no names, but I'm sure it's him, though he is not the one bringing suit....

Oh My God! I could only say, over and over. It's good news. It's not good to keep secrets when someone has hurt you and was just so, so wrong....  It was such violation of a vulnerable kid and no one was held accountable!! And there were more....!!

We sat in silence.

Please tell me he's married....  

He had been my boyfriend of 3 years. A violinist and a really good guy. But over time it became increasingly difficult. I felt  time and time again that I was carrying both of us for every little thing and it was just too heavy for me. Later, long after the boyfriend, when I started playing with this friend, she was newly appointed faculty at the university. That was already a dozen years ago! I remembered his story and asked her about any suspicious characters in the music dept.  I eventually told her my ex's story. His mother was a faculty professor and his father was a drunk. So the mother entrusted her young, prepubescent son with her fellow colleague, thinking it would provide her son with a lacking male role model. Instead, that colleague repeatedly violated this poor, poor boy.  It is absolutely heart breaking and disgusting and it makes me enraged and teary to this day! 

I hope this is the beginning of healing for my long ago friend. 

Music

thinking about Belac at breakfast

It always happens. I start thinking about giving up the group and worry about leaving my boys. Then I come to Boston. The singer is divine, the music is gorgeous, and I'm working with everyone I really appreciate and have played with for years. Every meal is out with the help of yelp, and I wander all over town. What's there not to love? I've been with this group over 14 years. A dozen of them, commuting to and from NY, 3-4 times a year. This is a relationship, an endeavor that has remained constant since life before children. A tie to my previous life.

This afternoon I sneak home. Jake's closest friend from childhood has his bar mitzvah in the morning and I can't miss it.  Hubby meeting me at the local airport where I drop off the rental. Then we will meet up with my boys and parents for dinner someplace.

I will always worry about my boys when I'm not around. But 3-4 times a year they are with my parents and just hubby and they have to manage and figure it out. Is that so terrible?  It means everyone has to rise to the occasion, especially my boys. It means my parents have the kids without my hovering over all of them with my opinions. And hubby? Well, he''s a saint whenever I'm away.

Come home already!!! he always tells me and I just laugh.

figuring it out

Belac's new project: a comic book called"Air Hog War." About 250 frames.

My piano student called. She might come to Boston and hear me play. She alluded to something going on with her nephew in the outskirts of Boston and might pay a visit. After a few minutes of small talk, I circled back. Is this the nephew that is on the spectrum? Affirmative. Did he.... did he hurt himself or something? Yes, came the answer, and she added, and he tried to hurt his parents, too.
It's a shock to everyone, because he's not that kind of kid. But he's angry.  22 and angry.

We sat in silence for a few seconds.

Did you read that piece in the New Yorker? I asked.The one about Adam Lanza? she  clarified, yes.  We talked about it for awhile. I had heard the nurse speak at a lecture, who was quoted in the article. About there being too much focus on the academic piece and not enough on the social emotional piece in this boys's situation in particular.  I think this is  generally spot on for a lot of kids with autism.  We  forget that the emotional, self-regulation piece is the biggest piece in the jigsaw puzzle  of "success." I mean, without  friendships  or a basic sense of pride in oneself,  achievements are meaningless, work is harder, and life is that much more difficult to manage. It's a lonely existence to not have meaningful peer relationships. Having parents on your side is not enough....

On Monday, I have 2 appointments with Dr. Ashton.  In the morning, Jake and I see him, armed with teacher evaluations of how things are going. We are going to talk about things. If there is a way he can learn better executive management skills, in particular. Is there a coach he knows of who could help us?  If he is in fact ADD what can we do about it short of his popping a pill?  In the afternoon, I go back with Belac. We are going to discuss his emotional well-being and I want to know what he recommends.  I think it's time for cognitive behavioral therapy or some kind of coach/guidance counselor  type sessions. I can help him to a certain degree, but it's not enough.

pillow talk

Found Belac who was weeping at bedtime. What's wrong? I asked him, astonished.

Mom, if my life doesn't get better, I'm going to commit suicide.

What...?!

If I can't concentrate better, then I won't be able to work at Pixar. And I basically have no friends!

Not true!

Well, not a lot of friends. Today, he began and then tried to get himself together to tell me, I sat down at lunch and Josh and Ben moved away from me. I don't know why.

And so what did you do?

I had no one to sit with! I sat by myself. I'm such a loser! Sobbing.

You're not. You're not a loser.  And you know what? I hated the lunch room, too. It's a really hard place to be, sometimes.

And it's okay when I'm with one other person. But when there's 3, I can't understand anything anyone is saying and I feel left out! I always feel left out. That's why I can only sit with Flower.

Well, we can't rely too much on Flower, she needs her space sometimes, right? Okay, this is what you do, tomorrow, okay? You are going to sit at the peanut free table. And you are going to find Ethan and the other Ben, there, okay?

I can't sit at the peanut free table! he protested, I don't have allergies!

Yes you can! Jake called from the dark of his own room, I guess listening to everything. Belac, I sit at the peanut free table sometimes!

Okay, Belac? You're going to Ethan's house next week end and you have a sleep over with him! You guys are good buddies, so you find him at the peanut free table, okay?

Okay. Tomorrow I have a peanut allergy.

Yes, you do.... And I will write a note to the teacher to get her permission just in case.

Now... Belac, I want you to listen very, very carefully to me, okay...? If you ever kill yourself, I will be distraught for the rest of my life. I will have failed as your mommy and I won't want to live. Kill yourself and you're killing all of us. Me and Daddy and Jake will miss you forever and ever and keep wishing you were back and wishing we could help you.  We will never get over it. Maybe you were joking, maybe you want to be dramatic, or maybe you're sort of feeling serious at the moment, but I'm telling you. Killing yourself is a very serious, irreversible thing. And let's just say I decide to kill myself tonight, and you woke up in the morning. (Can't believe I said this to him, but I felt the need to spell it out.) How would you feel? Would you miss me for the rest of your life? Would you be mad that I left you forever and ever though you needed me to be here? Well our family needs you. I need you. And we love you.

You and Jake are the best things that ever happened to me. The best! and I started weeping. And you are the best kids. There are going to be very hard days, sometimes, but that's why we need each other. We help each other. Listen to each other and help each other come up with ideas. And the most important thing is that you get up and try again. So today, the kids left you and hurt your feelings. That sucks. Tomorrow, you sit somewhere else and see if you can find someone else and a better situation. Who knows? You might even have a great lunch, tomorrow! Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to make things better. Okay...? You can do it!

for better, for worse

My parents had each bought a pair of shoes, and my mom seemed happy enough when I picked them up from the mall. Then took them to HMart to have lunch and pick up some groceries. Watched my mom nibble at her food and burp/gag into her hand. Listened to her complain about a new problem and how physical therapy doesn't work. We walked around shopping and then sat for a coffee. Watched my mom fall asleep at the table, even with my dad nudging her hard to wake up. He really didn't like this behavior, and she just wouldn't be nudged. Was she really sleeping? I don't think either of us believed it. And so we sipped our coffees and shared a little sweet roll and basically ignored her. Again, I carried on with some small talk about the various snacky snacks.

Walking to the car, she insisted on pushing the cart and ahead of us, zooming off. You'd never know that anything was wrong with her, suddenly she had so much energy. But in the car, again, she had eyes closed again as if sleeping, totally unhooked from her surroundings. I feel so, so sad for my dad.

Home at last, and she made horrible wretching sounds in the bathroom next to the kitchen, that only got louder and louder the more no one immediately acknowledged. What could she be throwing up? She hadn't eaten anything. How does she do this? She has done this my whole life. If she sees a rose or any flower, she will gag and make motions to throw up in a snap. Would she be wretching this loud if she were wretching in private or someplace where no one could hear? I busied myself putting away groceries, my dad started pacing a little. Are you okay? The wretching sounds just got louder. It was incredible. I was so glad my kids weren't home. Do you want tea? She didn't.

And off she went to go back to bed. My dad in front of CNN, and after I ran through my music for an hour, I see he is laying on the sofa, totally out. No way I'm going to encourage him to go lay down upstairs with my mom....

The problem is, she is never not sick. It was her gallstone 2 weeks ago. And then 4 surgeries every year before that and many more ailments year after year before that. Now it's some gastro thing. Every lopsided discussion about her health involves insistence about how something is ailing her with few details. And it's almost like she milks every ailment for what it's worth. It's very attention seeking, but attention of the worst kind. And I can't help but feel it's an excuse for inappropriate or flat out bad behavior she could control if she exerted herself, or just a means to disengage from life around her. Which really came first? The ailments or the needing to disengage? But it is so tiring to try to make sense of. I do not know how my dad puts up with it. She makes herself totally difficult to be around. My mother is not to be helped. She will not help herself. Cannot help herself. Will not let anyone help her. She is in total denial of taking any responsibility at all.

Does she really think I'm going to leave the car for her to drive at this point?

I think hearing me up early with the kids and eating with them. Interacting with hubby. Running on the treadmill. Taking time to cook tasty things. Practicing. It makes it worse for her. If any daughter was going to be like her, it had to be me. I was always the sensitive, emotional, more complicated one of the sisters. But I refuse. I just totally refuse. I just hope she'll feel better after I leave in a couple of days. Though on my very best behavior, I think I make things worse.

choice

It's 9:26 and my dad is trying to get my mom out of bed.

At this point I have run 3 miles on the treadmill. Cleaned the kitchen. Gotten my kids off. Made coffee. Studied math with Jake for 30 minutes. Made fried rice for breakfast and lunch. Packed lunches. Sat with my kids through breakfast. Now waiting for the shower. Soon I will pack up to go teach at the nursery school and I'll drop my parents at the Westchester Mall for a couple of hours to walk around....

It's weird because I am so far and away from my life growing up, and came to the realization awhile ago that I'm not my mom. But sometimes, I know, I still make it a point to prove to myself I am not my mom. She is my mom. I love her and there are things I love about her. But there are choices she made - or rather choices she didn't make - that impacted her life significantly and I am unable to completely believe she couldn't help it.

Getting up out of bed is a choice. Getting yourself help if you can't, is a choice. No one can make that choice but yourself.

kind

My parents flew in early this afternoon to help out for the week, while I'm in Boston playing some concerts. After a little soup I whipped up, my mom went up to bed, hubby went off to work, the kids amused themselves and for the next couple of hours, my dad and I just talked. Everything from the wedding and how nice it was, and how he had never seen my sister happier, to how we both would have advised and contributed for her to have a real lunch instead of brunch at the reception had we known. About his retirement and how he was managing not to touch it, yet, by living on his consulting work, to what hubby and I were doing in planning for the future. About Alyssa, and how things were going for them. About my boys. My little sis. Extended family. And there was a lot of discussion about my uncle's behavior, someone we had just seen at my sister's wedding, and who is pretty much one of the most self-absorbed, selfish persons in the family. He also told me something he sensed strongly about my uncle's wife, my aunt, that is so unspeakable and shockingly true from a certain perspective, I just cannot write it here.

Somewhere along the line, my dad suggested that my grandfather, my mom's mom, had he lived longer, could have been a serious contender to be President of Taiwan. I was totally shocked, what? You don't know what influence your grandpa had, Gimky. He was head of the Red Cross, a distinguished doctor and founder of a nationally acclaimed hospital, and he was very politically involved. Owner of the nationally distributed newspaper.... Your grandfather was very forward thinking, he was 10, 15 years ahead of everyone, and he had vision. People respected him and listened. For all of your Uncle's talk about himself, he did the bare minimum and didn't remotely achieve the kind of greatness your grandfather did. None of your Grandfather's kids came close to what he did or achieved what they were supposed to. And with that I fell silent. Obviously, my mom is my grandfather's kid. He wasn't suggesting that my mother could have followed in his footsteps, was he?  If my mom had taken better care of herself and been a more supportive and present wife and mother, would my dad dare say such a thing? I didn't ask. My father and I had never had hours like this to ourselves before, and he had never been so candid with me. I just wanted to listen, there were things he wanted to say.

We later went out to eat at a local place. My dad got my mom out of bed right before we all left. And then I watched my mom. How she - in this hot restaurant - sat shivering in her big down jacket. How she was burping/heaving every now and then into her hand. She was mostly quiet and not looking at anyone. How much of this was real sickness? Or simply excuse to not have to try?  I talked with the boys and carried conversation through dinner, and I just saw my dad enduring and happy to have me talk about things.

My mom is 66 years old. I have only known her to be this way. I don't know any more what this is than I knew when I was 5 years old. I don't know how to help her except to be kind. In my 44 years, I have finally learned that the best thing I can do is be kind.

Jake just called me upstairs. He told me, Nana is crying.... We stood in the dark of his bedroom and heard her sobbing. I could hear my dad talking to her. I tucked him back in bed. Don't worry, okay? She's with Papa. Nana is not in good health and so she's sad. It's hard to feel good when you're sick. Important thing is to be kind and appreciative. Also, I will be happy when your track starts! It's going to be great when you start running, again!

By the way, mom, did you do your 3 weeks?

Excuse me!! feigning indignation, I am on week 7, or even 8!

Laughter. Well, good for you! he told me, as I kissed him good night.

Be kind.

training

best challah in a long while

Ran 5 miles on the treadmill, yesterday. Suddenly thinking I was superwoman, I set out on a 3 mile run, today. But the hills around our house are hard and I found myself crawling up them. At not quite 2-1/2 miles I was walking home. How was it? asked hubby, who had biked 27 miles, early this morning.  I could only roll my eyes. Ugh! It's hard.

How can I expect my sons to overcome their challenges - snap! - and to do things that are hard for them, when I struggle so hard over and over to do this?  I know that running is good for me and that I should consume less, but that doesn't mean that I can just do it. It's easier to coast along and get by, manage. That is, until I hear about others' brushes with cancer. Or see how in shape or not in shape someone else is. Or see some unflattering picture of myself or feel the rolls at my waist when I sit. And then I get mad at myself and I try again. But that's not sustaining either. I have to revel in the good feeling of accomplishment when I run, find that runner's high. It has to be about what I want for me. I mean, it is, but I have yet to find that feeling, the overriding sense of commitment that carries me the distance.

Jake told me this morning I am too critical of him. Maybe that is true. I have been really listening to myself, lately, and wonder how to be more effective. I admit, I nag. It's really hard not to nag, even though I recognize it's getting them to do things for not the right reason at all.  I really have to figure out another way.

girl time

We huddled for 40 minutes, catching up furiously, before finally ordering lunch. She was in a car accident 6 weeks ago, her daughter spent 3 days in the hospital barfing and disoriented, and she herself was no longer able to read for more than a few minutes at a time before her brain became confused and the headaches began. Anxiety provoking stuff, especially considering she plays in the pit of the Opera and leads a section, 4 hours at a time while reading music. It means she hasn't been able to get back to work. And if the lock out happens by summer and the director can't reign in his spending? (She and hubby both work there.) We've been told the opera will be bankrupt within 5 years! We will have to sell the house and what about the kids' school? Could we afford to stay here? I'm thinking about getting a real estate degree, she told me, laughing pathetically. Now THAT is tragic. You hang your Juilliard shingle, I told her, make friends with the school teachers and you'll find a dozen students in 2 months, I told her. There's no music school in easy after school commuting distance from here, you'll find students....

The conversation turned to Belac. Really? I hadn't told her about that heart thing? She looked at me so astonished and concerned. GIMKY! It's fine, I reassure her, not sure suddenly how I was supposed to  react. I was over this, right? And when she asked about the doctors and I told her he had 3 appointments by month's end, I then realized that I also hadn't fully told her about the weight thing, too. WHAT? she was astonished. I kept trying to say it was okay, it's okay right? But don't you think you need a second opinion? she sort of insisted, he's not growing...! I was suddenly very confused.

There was talk about sister's wedding. Her sister having a baby last week. My mom. Her parents. Back and forth. Looked at my watch and had to rush home.

Walking to my car, I asked. So I know it's not the time, but do you think you'll have another? She came from 4 kids and always wanted a huge family. She stopped and looked at me. I had a miscarriage last summer.  WHAT?? OLIVIA.....!! I know. No, I'm not having another.

Driving home I realized. It's not enough to keep up via texts and emails and the glossy walls of Facebook. There are certain things that you just won't share unless you're sitting face to face. She is someone I consider my very close friend, but someone who we don't see so much because our schedules are so opposite, she and her hubby work week ends and late nights.... But you have to make the time. If something and someone is important to you, you have to make the time.

spare

Beautiful sunny day, yesterday! Went for a run.

I've been going through each room, upstairs, and things are shaping up. Yesterday, I laid on the guest bed after making it and took a good look around. Jake's old desk now replaced a lounge chair that no one ever sat on. And this just made sense. The desk means a place to sit with laptop or put a suitcase. The queen size bed fills the rest of the room with little left to play with, but now this room had everything. Long ago, I had put a few drawers in the closet and now this small desk fit perfectly....

This is the only room that has not been painted or the floor sanded and shined up. I wondered about colors for the walls. And then wondered if the sloped ceiling would allow for a loft bed with desk underneath. (No, I don't think so, but you see where this is going?) And then I noticed how bright and happy the room was, despite the dirty whitish walls and the dead bugs accumulating in the dated fixture above. I could see the trees and blue sky from the bed. The perfect room for a kid. There, I said it.

When we moved into this house, we all slept in this room at some point because someone was sick, or because the boys wanted to sleep together (for months), or because hubby and I still had a bed to put together in the master. Whatever the room lacks in size, relative to the others, it more than makes up for with sunshine, coziness and being at the heart of this house.

There is this waiting Asian kid, older than Jake, who I called about a couple of months ago and heard nothing back about. I saw his picture and read about him online and think about him sometimes. But I also wonder if I'd be inviting a problem with Jake giving up his eldest kid status and any competition or resentment and the like from their being in the same grade....  There's also the feeling of not wanting to rock the boat. On any given day, I think, my own kids are driving me crazy, how could I consider this? Or, things are going well, now, why invite another challenge? And yet I am not able to put this notion of adopting a foster kid behind me. Maybe, even just this kid, in particular. I find myself wondering and worrying about him, whose interests and face are not so dissimilar to Jake's. How could his parents have abandoned him? There isn't a relative or anyone else to take him in?

step 1

Jake and I went to see his Science teacher, yesterday. I set up this appointment so Jake could get some necessary organizational and classroom skills feedback. I told the teacher beforehand that I was really there only to listen in, but his observations and suggestions were really important. I really like this teacher, who is able to engage Jake in a very non-threatening, easy-going way. He never lectures and is just very even keel. Most importantly, he has told me himself that he is ADD. It accounts for his understanding of Jake in a deep and non-judgmental way.

Afterwards, Jake and I gave his entire room a clean sweep. It took an hour. Everything was taken out of his closet, he folded every item and I helped to organize. Everything was taken off his bookshelf and together, we went through the knick knacks he either trashed or put away. And what do you know? We found a couple of things he had been looking for. A clean sweep of all of his folders, half to the recycling bin and the rest filed away. A once through of his desk and cubbies, my making suggestions about where things go, but being careful not to DO it for him. 

We agreed I was taking some of his bar mizvah money to buy him a digital watch today.

We also agreed he was, again, getting up at 6 to catch up in math and science, having missed school on Friday. And given that Jake always seems to not have enough time, I wonder if getting up early like this shouldn't be part of his daily routine. At the very least, he can be up reading, something he loves to do.

Track starts soon and I can't wait for him. If cross country in the Fall was any indication, the running is energizing and makes him feel proud and like he accomplished something objectively good each day. It also forces him to organize his whole day around that daily time commitment. Better to have commitments than endless gobs of time.

This morning, I reminded Jake about bringing his art book to school. Up he ran and right back down, knowing just where to find it. Didn't that feel great? I asked. Hallelujah!

The Reckoning

An important read about Adam Lanza and his family by Andrew Solomon, author of Far from the Tree. It underscores that more important than academics, is one's ability to develop meaningful and loving relationships and to find purpose in one's life. Another note, I think giving kids so much unrestricted access to devices impairs them from developing socially and bonding with other humans. Developing social skills - at the very least, interacting with others - is imperative! Although it can be hard, almost impossible, I really believe parents - myself included - have the largest responsibility in helping kids socially. Going to fancy doctors and seeking advice is pointless if you can't also follow through or find alternatives to the recommendations.

Also. It goes without saying. NO ONE should keep guns at home!!!!

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/03/17/140317fa_fact_solomon

beautiful

It's common practice at these life cycle events to greet each other with "you look wonderful!" or "Oh my God! You haven't changed one bit!" As part of the bridal party, we were each greeted with plenty of declarations of "you look so beautiful!" But interestingly enough, I received a variation on this compliment from multiple people that caused me some pause.

"You are more beautiful than I ever remembered" said one distant uncle and I had to laugh. Surely that was not translating well from Taiwanese into English. But then not a few minutes later, someone hugged me and said, "You are more beautiful now than you ever were." And now I was both laughing and thinking, did I look so bad before? How could this be? I'm greying, I'm starting to droop big time, if only they could see how ashamedly negative I've been with my kids these past few days and I just have so much make up on! I rolled my eyes and he insisted again "you never looked so beautiful until now!" Then arriving at the reception, my mom's old friend I hadn't seen in a few years held my hand and declared "You look so beautiful, Gimky, even more beautiful than your wedding day!"  My mom's cousin, obviously Taiwanese, even had the nerve to comment: "How did your mom have such slender girls? She was never as slender as any of you!" I could only shrug with a smile and say, I want to hear all about your boys!

When I was marrying, I had no stress in my life. My perfect children I was destined to have were still unborn and I was very much in love with hubby. By the time I saw everyone at my sister's wedding, I had the 2 most adorable boys. There was not a cloud in sight, anywhere! Not a hint that anything was wrong with either of my kids and I had only the best things to report. I was also slimmer than today and the slimmest I had ever been....

I am not a head turning kind of gal, at least among the beautiful girls in the bridal group, and so it makes sense to compare me to myself. But maybe people expected me to come looking haggard and out of shape, having heard the whispers of my one kid in particular having issues.... I don't know! But you know what? I recognize that I probably hold myself much more differently than I ever did. More confidently in a real kind of way, and it's definitely from trying to raise my kids properly. I am a better me because of it.

There is a scene in the Dallas Buyer's Club where the protagonist talks to his girl about how he's fighting for a life he has no time to live. It's clear at this point he finally has his shit together because he has to fight for his life. And then in helping others fight for their lives, he finally finds meaning in his own. I relate in a way. Was he not happier now than in his previous life before AIDS? Being a mom of both my sons has given me strong purpose I'm not sure I would have otherwise ever had. Maybe it's this finding of myself that makes me appear "more beautiful than ever." Anyway, am I romanticizing? Whatever the reason behind these compliments, thank you.

toast from maid of honor

My name is Gimky and I'm one of Cootie's sisters. Since I am just 10 months younger than Cootie, we were sort of raised like twins! But I'm here to tell you that Cootie is someone I have looked up to my whole life. And amazing things come in small packages....

My sister is the kind of person who once lived in a dirt hut in South America and was THE emergency room for a village.  Twice, she lived and worked in Afghanistan. First as a medical doctor, then as a public health official, traveling by jeep and with bodyguard all over the country to make sure hospitals were equipped to treat especially women and children. Before one of her trips abroad, she gave her car to a family in need. This is just the kind of person she is. Going above and beyond her call of duty with so much compassion and quiet thoughtfulness. I'm lucky to have a sister like Cootie.

Paul. Our family loves you! We appreciate how you really care and think of others, and welcome you with open arms! We wish you both so much happiness and good health in your life together. Cheers!

hubby

Last night, hubby and I made a general budget for the year. We had studied our monthly earnings and expenses of the past few years and discussed an aggressive plan to save. After accounting for mortgage, and taxes, how much to the college accounts? How much to a retirement account? How much could we reasonably get by on each month?

He had earlier told me about listening to an hour long interview with Liam Neeson on the way home. And how Neeson and his wife had sworn to each other that they would never let each other live on and on with life support. And so when Neeson raced to Montreal and his wife was already brain dead, he talked to her and then explained, okay, this is what you made me promise I would do....

I am grateful to hubby. I don't know what my parents did, I don't know what most people do. But I really did not appreciate the extent to which hubby had been planning and saving for the future until we sat down like that. I mean, I knew he had cashed out stocks for the kids' college accounts, but now saw it accounted for in black and white. I knew we each had life insurance but had never seen it in the context of the bigger picture. And you know, he has just been freakingly diligent about socking away preemptively, even when we were out of wits mind a few years ago. Every bit does make a difference. It's all there, his affairs that account and provide for each of us in the event of x, y, or z, documented in black and white. I am amazed and utterly grateful.

for now

Everyone was arriving and class was just about to start. I have something like 16 kids and 16 parents in this class to prepare for and this was not the time. But this parent really had something urgent to tell me and was standing by my piano with her coat still on. Gimky, I really need to talk to you....

It was about Maria, a mom of two children I taught for at least 5 years and someone who I had become quite chummy with. She was just diagnosed with cancer less than 3 weeks ago. They discovered it was an aggressive form of breast cancer that had already spread to her lymph nodes. Chemo had begun and she had already lost all of her beautiful hair. She was soon having both breasts removed along with her ovaries. She would be following up with radiation. It was now a fight for her life. Oh My God!!!!!

I ticked off the weeks of treatment in my head and thought of her son Emmanuel, who was hearing impaired and very developmentally delayed. At 4 years old, he was yet to speak and it was unclear what language he could understand. I know full well this is the time of progress reports and the prep for the big annual meeting in May. The discussion about summer program and transition to Kindergarten. This could not be happening to her, of all people!

Onjy, I lamented immediately after class dismissed, what can we do for this woman? I am utterly beside myself! She has a kid who really, really needs her and who is already not getting enough services. I mean, really??! She's busy fighting for her life! And what is going to happen to this kid??

Onjy put her hands on my shoulders and looked right into my eyes. You start that business of yours, Onjy told me, so matter of factly I was caught totally off guard. What?? I looked at her confused, what are you talking about? I was just talking to hubby about your business idea, and he agrees that there is great need and great value in that business you propose. Isn't it the kind of thing that would help her? Especially now that her time is so limited and her situation so dire? Maybe it's time, Gimky. You want to help this community? Get your business off the ground. Oh my god, I sort of protested, not knowing what to say. I'll help you, she assured me, I'll put you in touch with someone I know. It's a start at least.

I went searching on my phone as I loaded up and started my car. I didn't even know this woman's last name, but we were what I would call friends. She was coming to Mommy and Me with her first, before her second was even conceived. And then, basically every week as they came to discover their sweet new boy was not developing at normal pace. We had a connection and had bonded over Emmanuel, in particular, and I just had to have an email or phone number someplace....

Dear Maria, I texted, it's Gimky from Mommy and Me and I just heard. I am sending you so much love and support and am praying for you! If there is anything you need, anything, just let me know. Especially with Emmanuel, child care, meetings for school, etc. I know him and am willing to help! You aren't alone, we are all rooting and praying for you. xxxxxx

It's the best I could do for now.

planning

Hubby and I in the thick of doing taxes and looking at our finances. Also going through the annual summary of our credit card to remind ourselves how we spent, last year. It's telling and interesting. We spend a lot of money on food. And we tend to shop at the same core places, over and over, more often Amazon. Over the things that look different, like restaurant charges and expenses out of town, we go down a sort of memory lane. Oh yeah, remember? That was the dinner after the hike, where we all had a round of beers in the comfort of ac....

First, we are so lucky. Hubby's salary means we are able to pay our bills. Second, I'm grateful hubby and I are on the same page about not wanting stuff. It means we more easily live below our means. Third, hopefully we are done with any more significant work on the house. I think we made some important improvements for both living in and selling this house, but we are done. And so long as hubby hangs onto this job, it means we should save more this year. And for what?

We just checked to confirm that the boys' college accounts will cover trade school. Trade school? you might ask. Hubby and I both have degrees from prestigious schools, fancy awards, titles.... so trade school for our kids? Don't knock it. You know what? In getting this house in order, I have learned first hand that there are terrible contractors out there. If one of my kids becomes an electrician or a carpenter, even a plumber, and is good and reliable at what he does, that's $80/hour! At least in this neck of the woods. Later on, there could be opportunity to hire people and grow your own company and be your own boss....

I think what is also imperative is that the kids eventually partner up or marry well. Life is hard to go at by yourself, but I think it's also very hard if a partnership is not meeting your needs. Worse, dragging you down. And, again, I really believe that giving the boys opportunities to socialize/bond and helping them understand the consequences of behavior is so important to their long term emotional development.

I am starting to realize that success is relative and that there are many ways to be successful and happy. Also, that everyone is on their own timeline. Kati's hubby told me once "Don't judge a person, today, judge them when they die." And as Cate Blanchett said the other night, the world is round, people!

good morning

I was making lunches. Hubby was fixing himself an egg.

Just finished reprimanding Belac for wasting time, hopping around and not getting dressed. And now we were digging into Jake over - again- not turning in his math homework that was still seating neatly in his folder from 2 days before, again not following a rubric on a writing assignment for which he this time earned a C, and then not rewriting the correct part of that essay, for which I was alerted to by his teacher in an email. What sent hubby over the edge was sifting through a pile of papers Jake planned to throw out, that included items that Jake had no business at all throwing out. Jake spends so much time on his work, but his difficulty getting his work into the hands of the teacher and also just paying attention to and following instructions is utterly confounding. This has been going on in one shape or form for years, and we just don't know what to do but to keep on him. This morning, there was plenty of barking from not just the usual me.

Everyone in a solemn and upset kind of mood while the boys finally began slurping up last night's udon for dinner. And then there was never so much sudden chaos in the house, when at 7:25am Belac casually looked up from breakfast and said "I need to be in school at 7:30.

A FIELD TRIP??! Today?? Oh right, the field trip.

That's it, hubby said as he turned off the stove, everyone into the car!

Wait!!! Belac cried, holding his hand up, I'm eating!

FINE!!! I'm not arguing with you, stay at home with me!!!

MOM!!!! BUT I'M EATING MY BREAKFAST!

BELAC, THE BUS IS NOT WAITING FOR YOU! And at this point I was reading the reminder and slapping a brown bag, no glass lunch together of chips and nutella sandwich. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT EVERYTHING??

Jake, who had eaten just one mouthful of breakfast, was of course roaming around looking for his shoes. I fished out a cereal bar from the pantry. Eat this on the way, I instructed when he passed, biting my tongue about the shoes. Bye mom!! Belac told me as I handed him 2 calorie dense cookies.

Both kids were weepy and everyone upset and in overdrive. I packed up hubby's breakfast in a container as everyone made their mad dashes out. I'm not eating it! he told me. Yes you are, I told him as I fished out his bagel from the toaster, it's better than anything you could buy in the cafeteria! You'll eat it in your office, do you have a fork there? The car was running with driver's door open, the house door was wide open letting in freezing air, and I could see the kids bundled up in their winter gear, waiting patiently in the car. Wait! I told him and poured coffee in a thermos.

Running out, he turned to kiss me good bye. The gesture was so quick and almost thoughtless, but it reminded me that everything is okay. Just another day in the life of this messy thing called family.

eating

This morning I sat with Belac as he ate every morsel of his bowl of fried rice, heavy on the eggs, olive oil, peas and spicey sausage. I nudged him with the 3/4 cup of whole milk until there was not a drop left. Every few minutes, I encouraged him and praised him. Reminding him that the milk was really important for growing. Some mornings it's a slice of bread smothered generously with nutella, milk and a couple of apple slices.... The other night, I got him to eat 4 small but calorie dense cookies. I've been spending a lot of time in the cookie aisles looking for high caloric snacks he'll eat, and that was 340 calories. This morning, I packed him a huge bag of potato chips for snack. And this week I am enforcing that he drinks 2 cups of whole milk a day, no matter how long it takes....

He is 11 and is not growing or gaining weight. He is barely 50 pounds. Hubby caught glimpse of him in the bath tub, last night, and was distraught. Gimky he looks emaciated! You can see every bone and rib!

I talk to few people about it. Most people say they are envious of him and wish they could eat anything. No one really understands how hard it is to gain weight when you aren't hungry. What a struggle it is to force yourself to eat, knowing that you want to be bigger, but for some reason you're just not hungry. Gaining weight is as problematic and hard as losing weight. I'm tired of everyone's advice about what he could eat. No he doesn't like dairy, yes, he likes ice cream but just nibbles at it until it's soup, he loves veggies, he doesn't eat much meat, he likes carbs, he loves soda.....  Okay, okay, I nod politely, I'll try that. And most just don't understand how hard it is to be the littlest in your class and a boy, and he's pretty emotional about this.

What do we do? His doctors are not worried enough and seem to think that he will eventually grow. So now it's up to us if anything is to happen, and now I am back to sitting with him as he eats, encouraging and praising him for eating. He's not eating enough calories, that's the bottom line, but I hope in my necessary effort to help him eat more, I'm not setting him up for an eating disorder. His lunch comes home everyday, barely touched. Do I now have him sit with the nurse at lunch to make sure he eats every bite...?

deer print

My mom posted this photo to her facebook wall, today, and wrote: "Just wonder this foot print... Deer?"

I don't even know what to think. On the one hand it's funny and just has to be a joke, she meant to say that some two-legged deer was doing splits or something, right? On the other hand, I worry this question was asked in earnest. I worry about her state of mind. That all this laying in bed is causing brain atrophy....

keep it up!

I was only going to walk 2 miles today. Then at 3/4 of a mile I thought, okay, I'll just run to 1 mile, this is taking too long. Which turned into, maybe I'll just run a little longer to 1-1/2 and walk the rest. To, I'll just run a little faster and to 2 miles and be done early, which turned into, can I sustain another mile at 5/mph? Well, yes I can! It's like a mind game I play with myself, breaking exercise down into a bunch of easier to fulfill goals, close in succession.

A few months ago, I read about an exercise study. People who talked to themselves positively while exercising, exercised longer and harder than those who didn't talk to themselves in that way. A couple of months ago, Belac's teacher told me that he needs to start talking to himself. She is so wise. She told me that when he wasn't focusing or had trouble following a multi step instruction, or had difficulty keeping motivated, that he just needed to really talk to himself. It was an uncomplicated remedy and she actually acted out how he might do it. To reinforce being in the present. To emphasize the task at hand. To keep things positive and productive.

In contrast to last year's prep for the same 10K, I have definitely been talking to myself as I exercise. And I can look over my daily exercise journal that began on January 21, and see I'm making progress. Talking positively to myself! It really helps!

sincerity

Stayed up too late to watch the Oscars and see Matthew MeConnaughey win Best Actor. But I should have gone to bed and missed it. His speech made me cringe with embarrassment and I had to switch off midsentence. He had been absolutely convincing in Dallas Buyer's Club. But here he was, acting the part of his dad stirring gumbo in his underwear in heaven? Did he really just say that his hero is himself...? Was his head really that far up his ass or had he simply not prepared because he didn't think he'd win?

Jared Leto, though. He's another matter all together. A class act. The best thank you I ever heard! Along with Cate Blanchett and the director of the film about the Holocaust pianist or the other person with the trembling hands.... Their awards were clearly more than just about themselves. You just cannot fake gratitude or conviction.

Not Bad

After 4 weeks of running, I ran 4.5 miles in an hour today. My goal for this next month is to run at least 3 times a week and in 4 weeks from now, 6 miles in an hour. I think this is reasonable. I have reached the point where the exercise finally feels pretty good. It's the best time to start training because the weather will only be getting warmer and I'll be able to go outside soon. I cannot wait for sunshine and warm breezes and goddamit! I plan to be in good shape by summer.

13th birthday

13 years ago, I became a mom. Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. My children make me a better person than I would have otherwise been. I am less judgmental, less conceited, and much more forgiving because of my children. I learned how to love.

And now I am off for a run. I hope to run most of the 3 miles today.

play day

It's 9:30am. Tidying up for lessons about to begin. Belac programming on the big screen tv, while hubby watches from the treadmill. Jake sleeping. He is definitely growing. He pours huge glasses of milk and downs them before putting the carton back. He fixes himself nutella sandwich after sandwich, right after school.

Yesterday, hubby and I spent some hours in the city. We saw "Dallas Buyer's Club" and had brunch on restaurant row. I was totally convinced and blown away by the movie. And you know what? I was reading about the production and movie, later, and thought. Wait, there was no music? I thought about it. No, there was no soundtrack. And this, I realize, was brilliant. Even if for the very reason that they didn't have money for music. There's something valuable in filling in the empty spaces yourself, without the coercion of another John William's soundtrack.

I don't think I have been to see a non kid friendly movie since before we were married. And it was great to eat somewhere new. The kids were occupied in a programming class all day. In no time at all, I bought movie tickets in the city (fandango), made a restaurant reservation (yelp and opentable) and found nearby cheap parking (bestparking.com). It felt like my birthday! What a welcome and different kind of day.