yom tov

We had our special needs service, last night. Almost 40 people attended. There was music, instruments and dancing. A rhyming story of Passover from the Rabbi. The interactive Passover plate I made, felt food each kid brought up to put onto felt plates. It was really a simple, sweet, beautiful gathering.

We have a new band, now, playing all Israeli folk music and it was excellent! Husband and wife singers who have incredible voices and Sephardic accents, drummer, keyboard (hubby), violin (me) and guitar. I introduced Jason to our congregation, hired as new professional staff. An inspiring and very talented 28 year old man on the spectrum. Look out for Jason on other Friday night services, I told everyone, and to be sure to say hi.  I also thanked my high school volunteers: my drummer/tech guy, and my proactive, positive buddies Hannah and Jake.

Our synagogue might no make it. We still have a shortfall of at least $25,000. Hubby soon resigning his Treasurer position because of the new job. They are dismayed. He really made so many phone calls and pleas, he mapped out a budget and what needed to happen. We are in a much better financial position because of what he's done and his grip on the numbers, but we may be sunsetting, like many religious institutions this day.

Sad as that will be if that happens, we got 2 beautiful bar mitzvahs out of synagogue, some of our closest friends, a community, and something else for me. The realization that I had it in me to create something meaningful for a group of people! I loved last night. I love hugging all of these kids and their families. I embrace this group in a way I could not have 10 years ago out of fear. I'm in a better place now and wiser, these folks are clearly my community, too, even if Belac might not have the more severe challenges of some.

When someone came and hugged me good bye, and told me that our snap service was one of the few places she felt her family could be accepted and be even welcomed - not simply tolerated - and that is why she loves this place and couldn't thank me enough, I could only hug her hard. That is the best compliment anyone has ever given me!

It's official. Hubby signed and his new bosses were calling. His next job will be in DC.

Meanwhile, we have band practice tonight. Me on violin, hubby on piano, guitar, 2 singers and drummer! All in my new studio!!

before and after

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

studio

I've had 4 lessons in there, now. And I've been practicing and love that the carpet dampens the sound just a little. The piano sounds more beautiful and clear and warm than it ever has. When hubby is playing, it's not reverberating all over the house as it usually does. No one is asking me to play more quietly. And during 4 after school lessons, already, Belac was able to do his homework at the kitchen island with little interruption or distraction from families and kids, coming and going.

I love playing my piano in there and having this space to teach. It is totally amazing!

new path

It was 7am. The kids were eating on either side of me at the kitchen island as I sipped a coffee.

So, I pointed out matter-of-factly, this will kind of be what it's like when Dad is in Bethesda. So we are all going to have to help each other get up and get out in the mornings.... Okay?

Yeah, I heard them murmur.

Earlier, I had turned off the shower for Belac who called to tell me he felt dizzy and I ran upstairs. And as Jake left the house after making a smart alecky remark to me and I called after him that wasn't nice, I watched him think better of it, stop on the driveway and come back to say sorry and hug me a long time. After a few very strong semesters, this 4th quarter, he started off with a bunch of Cs. And why?  Because of forgetting to turn homework in and then performing badly on the first quizzes. Hubby and I laid in on him, last night. The chrome book was taken away and his desk has been moved back into the dining room. I am back to babysitting him.

The numbers came back better. The phone calls came in from various people. We would have financial security if hubby took this job. Hubby and I discussed it for hours. I listened in on his phone conversation with big sis. Would they really be okay with his living with them? And how long were they planning to stay where they were.... the numbers are really only doable, and the lifestyle more sustainable, if hubby can live in big sister's basement and he contributes to expenses. And my sister. She's really the best person. She expressed how happy she was this was happening, that she could share her car with him, that it was all perfect. She continued. Her health is uncertain, their plans to start a family (at age 47) are on hold, and so they are planning to stay where they are for the next while. Hubby was more than welcome.

With this job and hubby away, I will have a bigger role with the kids and will surely be more stressed. And hubby is going to miss the kids and will surely be more stressed, torn between a big job in another state and his family. But the interesting thing is that my sister and her hubby live just 5 miles from what will be hubby's new office. This is not Arkansas, where he knows no one and would stay in a hotel or rent a studio and be very alone, this is DC where hubby has buddies and my sister, with whom hubby is close. It makes this situation more doable. And maybe - hopefully - during this difficult time, it will be some comfort or something good for big sister and BIL that hubby is there.

In 3-1/2 years Jake - knock on wood - goes off to college. In 5-1/2 years, Belac will graduate high school. Maybe we will spend our summers in DC until then. Maybe we will move there in 6 years. Who knows? They have good public schools there, too, in the event it doesn't work out here.... We are going to give the new job 6 months and see how it goes with the being away.

Today, hubby accepts the offer.

Looking looking looking

Ugh! I can't find this little out of print, foreign score I have been practicing. I have to play this music in a concert in a few weeks. I dragged thousands of books from one room to another. And it just has to be here, but can't find it in my newly organized and alphabetized shelves. I have gone through every single book twice. I have been through the recycling and now the garbage. What the hell! Where the F is this music?

I haven't even had coffee, today. In an hour, I go for my first physical exam in like 5 years. Hope nothing turns up. I also feel hubby's stress about not wanting to take this job in DC but feeling the weight of this family on his shoulders. I told him he should go with his gut feeling, which is telling him that the job is not sustainable week after week on the road like that. I also feel it's not very fair that he has to miss out on this now precious time with the kids. Unless the money is astonishing, we shouldn't even consider it. But what numbers are astonishing compared to time with loved ones?

Up and down we go, everyday, as he negotiates with company and we wait. Other people are retiring and sitting pretty. We, though, have to work and can't not work, as much as we have saved. I suggested he reach out to the consulting company today. Time to look aggressively.

Wow

Hubby and I talked. Whatever they come back with, he's not going to accept. He's going to keep looking. It's not enough money to 'compensate' for being away so much. And there is a fundamental problem. They want us to move and we can't. And as long as we can't they feel it's an imposition and hubby has to swallow it when the sacrifice is all his. At whatever cost.

So no. It's not a done deal.

Hubby stressed and upset. The uncertainty is hard on all of us.

Time to sleep on thiS

More figuring out

Signing on the dotted line is hung up over the commuting expenses. The two year stipend is before tax and counted as income. Further clarification from an accountant that after 2 years, when the expense is on us, we cannot declare any of his commuting as a business expense, as it is our choice to live in NY when his job is in DC.

In the corporate world, one's income is complicated and subject to individual and company performance. The whole is part base salary, bonus and equity. Only the salary is guaranteed. Bonuses have ranges but are not promised. Equity is a target percentage based on others at your level, and takes 4 years at a time to vest; it is like deferred income and keeps employees committed.

If the job were in NY the numbers would be fine. But we are talking huge numbers for travel. They will pay for the first 2 years but then what? His income will be tied up largely in equity we can't touch for at least 4 years but can we figure out how not touch it? Can the numbers be tweaked in those 3 buckets, with cash comp being more to cover future travel? Despite how the IRS sees it, we are not pocketing it. It's money so hubby can get to work until Belac graduates highschool and we could move....

Meanwhile, as hubby negotiates this contract due Friday, he has agreed to an interview on Thursday for another job completely.

Trying to go with the flow.

everyday

Emailed a pic of an IKEA bed frame to big sis. Is this okay with you? It can push up against the wall and I think the drawers underneath will be adequate. Big sis had suggested that we buy a bed that we would keep for after he moved out.

We are going to take Memorial Day wknd to start setting hubby up in DC. We need to buy a car to keep in DC as well.

The situation is both exciting and scary. We'll give the new work situation a good 6 months and see. Until then, beginning June 1 or July 1, we need to enjoy life as we know it, the luxury of every day together.

Listening

Listening to hubby and a weepy Belac talk about things. Hubby asking open ended questions and trying to get everything out of Belac. His time with the kids will be increasingly important with his being gone 4 out of 7 days. I will move all of my lessons to those 4 days. We will be more thoughtful about how we spend our time together. No pressure or anything!

Done deal

Received clarifications and good numbers from HR, tonight. And with that, it's a done deal. Hubby is accepting the job in DC and leading a team of 29. He will be there Mon to Thurs every week for the first 6 months and eventually pare down. Living with sister for a year and eventually we will get a 1BR apartment so the whole family can spend summers there and come down whenever we want. The public schools are also quite good in Bethesda, should things not work out in Sunny Patch....

Hubby helped me work on my studio and setting it up as we talked. I'm so proud of how he has done professionally and how he has negotiated for himself and us in a thoughtful and kind way. How could I have been so lucky to marry such a person? But I also recognize how we have helped and needed each other.

All good. Wish us luck.

Figuring it out

And the negotiations continue. Company pays for hubby's travel for two years, and then he is responsible. Looking at a spreadsheet hubby made, he's not coming out ahead of where he is now the way the numbers are structured. Why would he do this? And most of all sacrifice time with kids over this?

We've been talking in detail and non stop for weeks about things. Commuting, living with my sister, kids' homework, how our relationships with the kids might become tougher, what could happen to us, our friend's affair and marriage problems, Logistics, summer camps in DC, where Belac could be in 5 years, where we want to be in 10 years... It's amazing how much of a partnership this will be for hubby and me and how much influence we each have on what we will do. It shouldn't surprise me, but I realize just how grown up we are and how much we are in this together.

The offer as it stands is a no-go. We will see what hubby can negotiate. If not better, we opt for the severance and hubby pounds the pavement.

more good news

Jake was accepted to the summer program at McGill. He received the email just as we were leaving for Montreal. I tussled his hair. Good opportunities become available when you get the grades you've been getting. And don't forget to thank Guidance Counselor, too, okay? Her recommendation letter and her belief in you really mattered.

Can't believe this McGill program is being offered free to highschoolers through sponsorships. Happy he will get a taste of something specialized and different and among others interested in computer science. And today, we walk over to the university - a mile away - and check it out. The school offers strong programs in Jake's interests and it would be amazing if he could one day attend.

In the meantime, very excited for Jake.

Incredible news

Hubby formally offered the job in DC!

seeing it

 

Measured out the kitchen wall for the new doorway and boundary. Mudroom, studio and bathroom on one side, our home on the other. Did I mention how happy I am? After all of these years in the making,I have 14 private students, 6 classes weekly, every other month performance classes and my chamber groups to practice and rehearse for. And now I get my very own studio to do it all in! I am so happy!

Happy!!

My handyman is doing such a fabulous job cutting and putting together. Grateful. The floor will be done, today. I just love my happy room!

Red Intricacy

 

 

 

 

My Flor is going down, today! The pattern looks a bit busy and certainly very bright, but hopefully to happy effect when it's all down. Home after class in a few hours and it might be finished!

music room

Flor arrives tonight and my handyman comes tomorrow to install it wall-to-wall. Called the piano mover. I reminded him that this was the 6th time he's moving my piano, and this time just down the hall. We agreed to a discounted price payable in cash.

Hubby astonished at the pace this is going now. We have to drag that treadmill out of the room, tonight, and I need to buy a knob and hinges for the new door, already here. We are repurposing the solid wooden door of the studio for the new entry into kitchen. No one will be able to see into or enter our personal space without opening a door. And now the studio door will have glass, so I can easily see who is coming and going from the piano.

Meanwhile, a new parent called, referred to me by another local teacher who is asking me to teach some of her advanced students. I send her beginners. This new students lives just around the corner from us, could their daughter have a trial lesson? No problem. I looked at my calendar and scheduled them for 2 weeks out when I hope the studio will be completely done.

I am so happy. I've never had my own room to myself before. My piano and musical life has always had to share a multi purpose room and conform to everyone else's life and needs. The idea of such freedom and privacy to teach and play is exciting. I cannot wait!

Oh my

Received an email from Belac's English teacher. They are about to start reading "A Midummer's Night Dream" and she would be sending an extra copy of the book home with him, along with a summary. Isn't that... Shakespeare? And a PLAY? 

Reading regular books together is tedious enough, together. Now it's Shakespeare and a play? How does one do this with a spectrumy kid, whose struggle is reading and putting himself in another's shoes enough to understand what is implied and not always spelled out? He hasn't and doesn't read enough and somehow he is supposed to read Shakespeare? It's like getting a beginner pianist to play Moonlight Sonata.

So here we go. And we will have to get a head start and begin immediately. I will be gone for a week in May and he needs all the help he can get. 

song and dance

It would be nice, I told hubby, if company could just finally decide what they're going to do about you. This is so stressful! Yes, was all hubby could say.

We know what the hang up is. Regardless of any money increase, hubby has indicated he would not consider the job unless it is a promotion. The company is open to that, they said, but what they didn't say and what we can see, is that this very promotion would also make him the same title as one of his new bosses. Company understands that the title of this job needs to change to reflect the responsibility of a 29 person team, straightening out a pretty big mess led by someone they recently booted out, and on top of that, fully integrating 2 systems over 5-10 years in the most efficient, cost effective way. Hubby would oversee a budget that would more than double with this acquisition.

So what will happen?

Hubby already said no to an astonishing relo package and has made his requirements clear. It came up again, the other day, and again hubby reiterated moving is not an option for the next 5 years. Did you tell him about his special needs? No. Does anyone know Belac has special needs...? Uh, he thought about it, I did tell the junior HR person.... I respect hubby for not playing the special needs card and not wearing it on his sleeve. He is a class act. The ball is now in their court. Will they meet us part way? Will there be games? More money but no title? The title but less money? There's definitely a hang up somewhere and all we can do is wait and see.

cleaning out

The Flor arrives tomorrow night, and I will soon empty out 6 shelves from the sunporch and the grand piano and all the music stuff from the living room. The sunporch has become the kids' designated study.

 

 

Jake gets this side of the porch:

Belac now gets this side:

 

 

And the dining room goes back to its empty, easy to maintain state:

 

Less

Hubby and I just dragged all of the carpet and padding to the curb, along with his mistake of a desk I had painstakingly taken apart piece by piece. The pile out there is enormous and I feel bad in a way about the waste, but on the other hand, we continue to try hard to not accumulate stuff and recycle whenever possible.

The other afternoon, I went to my piano student's house for her lesson. The paint smell at home was a bit noxious still and this girl has severe asthma and allergies. Looking around her house, I just couldn't help but notice the clutter and thousands and thousands of high end toys and stuff all around. It was out of sight extreme. Is that normal? Or does someone in the house have a problem?

On Monday, Dot came over with a package. What is this? Open it, she prodded. I really wish she hadn't. It was a glass cylinder with purple in it. I didn't know what it was but exclaimed it beautiful and hugged her. It never occurred to me until hubby later pointed out that it could be a vase. Really? It was a little too skinny and tall, I'm afraid it would topple over. And now here is this thing I will now feel like I have to keep and sometimes take out whenever she's around. She should have just given us a bottle of wine.

Even Kati told me that we could use something on the walls. Color. Maybe some nicely framed posters and other stuff. I don't know, it stresses me out to have anything meaningless or useless for just the sake of filling up space. I'd rather tape Belac and Jake's artwork all over the place.

Less. Less is more. Less is just less to take care of and be a slave to. It pisses me off to spend much time taking care of stuff. Own nothing, live more.

studio

I'm now coaching a young singer and a pianist, twice weekly for auditions. I welcome the extra work in hopes that I won't need to borrow from our personal account. I think the business will have enough to cover the costs, but I have to watch the numbers.

It will be totally worth it once done. It means that I can teach earlier on Sundays, without fear of interrupting the family's sleeping in a little and breakfast. It means I can teach after school without worrying about the kids running around and making noise. It means I can be a little less OCD about cleaning the house, and it also means that I can practice later in the night, as long as hubby is not sleeping, since the kids' bedrooms will no longer be above the piano.

I am really happy about the studio. And the crazy thing is, that room is currently in progress and out of service. Even though no one has been in there for over a week, no one has missed it. Goes to show you how this house has really been too big for us. But now all for good professional development! How perfect!

hard decisions

A singer came in from Boston and we rehearsed all week end. It is very difficult, technical music which normally I would have shown up a few days before the concert to begin rehearsing. But the singer and I decided to meet now and what a relief. We are in great shape and I have a heads up on what I need to do, weeks in advance. If only I could rehearse like this for every concert, I'd feel better about that gig. Again at crossroads with Boston.

Meanwhile, someone came by to sign checks with hubby and go over synagogue finances at the kitchen table while I was teaching. She was talking much too loudly, and as if she were competing with me, like she owned the house. I finally came out to gesture to hubby to be quiet. Apparently he had tried to tell her to talk more softly, but she didn't get the message. She thought I was just practicing with one of my kids. Even so! I swear, some people just have no respect. I am really done with teaching out in the open like I am and cannot wait another second for the floor to arrive, so I can move my piano in there. We have piano class in 2 weeks and I want to be in there. I also gave the handyman thumbs up to build a wall and door to the kitchen off of our mudroom entrance. My professional space needs to be clearly separated from our personal space. I am very done with both sides bleeding into each other.

Hubby clarified to me that it is April 25 or May 2 that acquiring company makes announcements about appointments. He predicts they will give him 3 days to decide. But isn't that not fair? That's not enough time to negotiate and decide, is it...? It's the way it goes.

Yesterday was stressful. I yelled at the kids after Jake mouthed off at me, and threatened that I couldn't take care of them myself during the week if they didn't rise to the occasion, and that either Dad should not take the job in DC or we should all move there. The kids and hubby were suddenly downstairs with me, folding 8 louds of laundry on the ping pong table, with both kids weeping and hubby eyeing me silently.

So, there is stress. We have decisions to make.

Decisions

They offered hubby 6 figures just to relocate. They did the hard sell about the schools and doing everything to move us in the best and happiest way through this executive relocation package. And the answer was simply, no. He explained it took years to build this community for our youngest in particular, and we are Sunny Patch bound for 5 years until he graduates.

Back and forth hubby and HR went about the details. The title. The travel compensation (2 years only). What was happening to his colleagues (decimation, aka shift and shaft.) No numbers, nothing formal, all theoretical

Hubby and I talked about nepotism at new company. 14 family members, apparently, and the CEO was only supposed to be interim.... We talked about how Mormon the company really is and its culture. Also, how inept new company is. How the person he'd report to has no business having the job he does. How the other person he reports to is focused on inconsequential  minutae as 2 huge companies are about to merge and as CIO has not reached out at all to hubby's current CIO and, you know, it's a 1 billion dollar company with IT as its most huge expense and complication for both enterprises, and there is just no sense to this. We also found out that hubby's offering is likely the most senior position being offered to anyone at his company, with everyone above himself and most junior to him being let go. It is pretty crazy.

The team hubby would lead is 29 people. It is a bloated mess with serious problems. They need someone now, before the acquisition, to come in and clean things up and help with integration. And it's interesting, they never advertised the job as is protocol. They began talks with hubby 2 months ago. It's very clear they want hubby.

Hubby has some misgivings about what he is stepping into. Being gone every week and missing us. Being in a culture that is uber polite, which fires no one even if they aren't performing properly. A place that is more 'family' and less 'business.' And on and on.

How long would it take you to clean up all their numbers? A year, he told me, it's what I do and not a problem, he shrugged,  it would take me a good year. keep in mind though, they want me in that role for 3 years at least they told me. So, I told him, isn't there room to grow? You do the job and maybe you can move up or into another area? They will be in over their heads, there will be opportunities, right...? And about the severance... Well, let's just say you hate it and you leave in a year and half after bonuses are paid out. That's enough, right? We won't get the severance you'd get now, for sure, and I understand why they said no to it, right? They want you to commit. But risking that severance for this job might be worth it in the bigger picture. If you hate the job, you make it to 18 months and quit, and you might come out ahead anyway because you'll be searching with a recent new title and bigger responsibilities, and you're looking for a job 18 months after thousands in corporate are let go....

I am not thrilled about his being away every week. But it is not reckless for him to try this if he has any desire to. So we lose the severance if he hates it. But he could forego this, accept the severance, but we'd still be in need of his good paying job on the eve of getting the kids off to college. I am okay with trying this for a year and half and seeing where he leads us. We figured out where he'd long term park his car on a metro line and priced out flights at the local airport. And the arrangement is all done with sister, who is happy to accept a modest monthly rent to help with their expenses and wouldn't care if the whole family showed up on week ends.

We will know this week how badly company wants hubby. They have to make announcements about personnel by April 18, so they need to decide so hubby can decide. We will see.

late night convo

LS: Did you talk to dad about BIG SISTER?

ME: I told mom what you saw in the email.

     That her daughter has cancer and that is what I'm concentrating on.

     Middle cousin called me, today, about mom's crazy email.

     Yes I am tired of this.

     I don't have HIS email. And don't drag me through this and don't use belac as an excuse to fight for the money, accusing him of needing it "most."

LS: I didn't read any of them except yours.

ME: That email was infuriating for so many reasons. Hubby wrote to her too unbeknownst to me.

     We both said the same thing, hire a lawyer and sue or get over it.

     Why did you ask me that question? No I haven't talked to dad because I hate calling home and having to deal with mom.

LS: They called BS and are going to visit her this weekend.

     BS wrote and asked if I told dad [that the cancer is worse than we initially thought.]

ME:  Is Mom now freaking out? Finally thinking about someone else? Her daughter has cancer! It is shameful that all mom cares about is the fucking money.

LS: I didn't tell her I told you.

ME: I told mom in an email that I was concentrating on BS and that BS needs our support.

    Wow.

     So good they are going there.

     I also told that there were more calcifications. And that she needs our support. How hers is an aggressive form of cancer caught early, exactly what BS told me.

     So there. I said what I did. They never talk, it won't come up and if it does I don't care. Mom needs to get her head out of her ass.

LS: What is completely crazy is that they spent 3 days with lorrie B, yet no time with their own daughter

ME: What I wrote to mom at 10:30am and am not ashamed of this if it makes her behave like a more compassionate person: Okay, but just know we don't need or want the money. Don't fight it for us.

Right now I am concentrating on BS and being there for her. I understand that it is an aggressive form of cancer caught early. But also that her recent test came up with additional calcifications. It is both tragic and scary she must deal with this for the rest of her life. Especially because they are a young couple who want a baby and to be parents. They need our emotional support.
   
ME: If it has to spelled out to her to put her in reality so be it. You know I had to run outside to mom who was walking down my drive to sit in the car waiting for J, that she had to hug BS who was leaving??

Her daughter who has cancer??

We are all supposed to hover around her for all of her crazy ailments and her own daughter actually has something and she was going to let the whole week end pass without a word or acknowledgment or a single hug??

She is crazy.

Little Sis, we are losing her. She was always sort of retrievable but she is losing all sorts of sense and the ability to get it together like she used to.

LS: Yes she's crazy.

I really think it's dementia

What is crazy is she can care for her 'friends' but not her family

And seriously, if this whole thing with all this paperwork is true, it doesn't even matter.

She's been so bat shit insane that no one believes her anyway.

It's definitely mental illness.

ME: She is mentally ill.

LS: Ok. I have to sleep. Early morning.

ME: Go

xx

LS: When does hubby come home?

ME: Tmw

LS: Ok, GL and GN. Xx

ME: Ditto Xx

hubby, flying

Haven't spoken to hubby since 6:30am, when he was on a treadmill at the hotel in DC. I hope his day went well. I wonder if he got an offer and how badly they want him. I wonder what the numbers are and what the arrangement is about traveling and living. I wonder what the new title is.

His last meeting goes until 3:30, when I'm already teaching. And he will be on a plane home, just as a finish.

We will have a lot to catch up on. I hope it went well!!

improvement

Early this morning, Kati dropped by to look at the paint and Dot came by to pick up son's suitcase. We all chatted and they each advised before we each went off to work. I really have the best friends. I went ahead with the Classic Grey. Came home to see this and am quite happy. It looks different in different light, and looks warm.

This same handyman, who helped me renovate our downstairs bathroom on a dime, is quite amazing. In 2 days, he and his colleague have ripped up the carpet, scraped off the glue, primed and painted, added shelves to a closet upstairs and spiffed up parts of the mudroom with a fresh coat of paint. He works hard and diligently, and his work is perfect.

Today I also asked him for advice. He suggested extending our kitchen wall just another 16 inches in order to add a door to separate the mudroom entrance/studio/bathroom from the rest of the house we will live in. If hubby approves, I'm already all in. I really want to end the practice of students and their families trekking into our personal space, everyday. 

Thrilled, just thrilled about these improvement that will improve our quality of life. 

in progress

The carpet is up and the floor scraped. The walls were primed and the grey has gone down. Really not sure about this Classic Grey. It looks so different from the swatch on the wall, almost beige! Letting it dry. If I don't like it, then I go back to the store and buy the Grey Cloud that I love in Kati's kitchen, which has a little more blue in it.

Hubby not home and just flew to Bethesda, Kati at work until 8pm. First world problem, I know, but I will just have to decide myself before the handyman returns in the morning.

red

I made everyone of my day take a vote. 4 Intricacy Red, 2 Floweret. I could have gone either way. I confirmed with hubby, and then took a deep breath and clicked check out. That is one expensive floor! Hope I love it when it shows up at our door step.

efficiency

I set a visual clock time for 20 minutes at a time to practice movements of a Messaien piece. It is very motivating and works. I have Belac do the same for math problems. And lately, I have been using it to teach lessons in 30, 45 and 60 minute increments. I don't have to look at my phone, I just see the red vanishing on the clock and can manage my time better. Today, 20 minutes of hard practicing was followed by 10 minutes of staring at the color swatches in the family room and again, comparing carpet tiles, and then back to practice.... over and over again. My Messaien is getting better and better, but with the room I am more and more confused. Problem is, I'm afraid of color but want color. Hubby is voting for the red, I'm waiting now for Kati to get back to me.

The handyman called. He's coming tomorrow to pull up my carpet! 4 years ago, I took up wall-to-wall carpet in 4 rooms, stairs and a hallway by myself. The kids were at camp, hubby was at work, I was off and spent a week doing this. It was the dirtiest, hardest job and I had cuts and scratches all over my hands and arms to show for it. Not this time. Tomorrow I teach and practice Messaien and let this guy help me with preparing the floor.

I cannot wait to move into that room!

room plans

 

 

 

 

Dorset Gold (middle) for below chair rail and Wind's Breath (left) for above. Deciding now between FLOR tiles: Floweret in Tawny, Intricacy in Red or the much more economical Finer Things in Taupe. Hoping for a happy, bright look with some understated personality that will age well. I wish this room were done already and that the floor didn't cost so much.
 

Good

Why are you here, the doc had asked. Well, it's been forever, I explained, and my sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been since 2011, the doc remarked. Yes, I agreed, I'm turning a new leaf. My boobs passed a physical exam and I received a script for a mammo. I asked for a tetanus shot and will return for a complete physical in 2 weeks. I mean business.

This morning, I was given a fitness and movement test. I jogged on the treadmill for half a mile, did some squats with a weight, lunges, balance test. i asked the personal trainer how he thought I should spend my time at the gym. He told me that if I'm coming to the gym twice a week it should be entirely strength training. The cardio you can do outside and at home, but the strength training is so important. You'll feel better, your balance will be better and you'll look better. No amount of cardio, which you seem to be doing regularly enough and can do at home, is going to make you look better.

Dot met me at home and handed me son's suitcase. He is living with us for the rest of the week while his mom out of town. Jake arrived. Belac arrived. Now Ethan who is making ramen. The sun is shining finally through the windows.

All good.

the right way

Called hubby on the way home from the gym. I told hubby that I'm willing to get the carpet cleaned and just move the piano in there after painting. Let's keep it cheap and simple.

Gimky! he was impatient, I can't believe it. You yourself have described that carpet as disgusting! I know you're impatient, but don't let that get in the way of doing that room right. Now is your chance. It's empty. Your piano is not there. How could you leave that carpet??

But I can't find affordable flooring!

You can figure it out.YOU of all people can figure it out. Go look at FLOR again. Of course, we'd have to install it wall to wall....

I talked with FLOR for awhile about our converted garage. About a physical moisture barrier we could roll out instead of sealing the concrete slab upon which the carpet tiles would sit.

And then I looked online. My first choice carpet tile cost $3500, second choice on sale at $1200. Regular carpet costs $1000 all in, an engineered floor $4100. The $1200 FLOR tile makes the most sense. It's fully recyclable and low VOC. If it stains, I pull up a tile and wash it by hand. So there you go. Of course it's going to take forever to do this room but hubby is right. It costs serious coin every time I move my grandpiano. $350 just to take it apart, move it down the hall and then put it together again. While the room is empty, let's do it right.

No way

In an hour, I meet a personal trainer at the gym. It was part of my welcome package for someone to give me some personal training. I am very motivated. My little sister made the comment to me, last visit, that she thought I needed to update my wardrobe. She thought things looked a little sorry on me. It's true, I really don't shop regularly for myself andfrankly at this point, I'm not very motivated until I get more in shape.

I also have my first doctor's appointment in like 5 years, this afternoon.

Today is a day of personal inventory.

I am 46 years old. Going forward, I want to be in shape and strong and remain mentally sharp and happy! 20 years from now, I do not want to be in my mom's position of obesity, herniated and slipped discs, hip replacement, knee replacement, chronic pain, arthritis, high blood pressure, depression, dementia and anxiety.... I mean, one of her 3 daughters has to follow in her foot steps, right? How could none of her 3 daughters follow in her foot steps? Aren't the genetic bonds so strong? Isn't it genetics?

I am not allowing myself to sail along on my good luck anymore. My sister's cancer is a wake up call. I'm going to be a doer, work on disease prevention, good nutrition, and exert effort to achieve and maintain good physical and emotional health. No way am I walking down my mom's path. It scares me she ended up in such a place and such a place of no return. No way am I going there. No way.

Ugh

My mother wrote an unintelligible message about my giving 'her' room away. At least I think that's what she was saying. Did she really like it so much here? I had just sent a picture about how my studio is coming along. One thing came to another and it's clear that Jake is now in the guest room. I wrote back: when we have guests Jake will either sleep on top bunk of Belac's bed or in the family room, no problem!

It never occurred to me in a million years that she might like it here. That she might think of my guest room as hers. But I guess it makes sense, maybe. After all. She was the middle daughter who took in her own parents in her own house. I've ways been the likely candidate and I sort of think if my parents had to go anywhere, they'd come to me first.

And then this morning little sis warned me of crazy texts she wrote to cousins. Her husband, who shares the same first name as first cousin, was mistakenly sent these texts. And they are. Insane. And what did little sis tell me that made me so sad? That she's most upset with my dad for not putting his foot down. She had called dad telling him about these crazy texts, that he said he'd 'look into.' He's going to do NOTHING! she implored.

I don't know what to think. My mom. Not a kind word or acknowledgement to big sis upon seeing her after the cancer diagnosis. I chased after my mom on my driveway, last week, pointing out to her that big sister was leaving back to DC and she needed to turn around and hug her goodbye. My mom said not one good word about the bar mitzvah or word of congratulations. More disturbing, not a word to big sis. My big sis texted, I don't expect much from her, don't worry!

But I worry. What the hell is going on. How can my dad deal with this? What will happen if she outlives my dad? My sisters and I text everyday. We are so close, thank god. Little sis, I reminded her, under no circumstances are you to leave your kids with mom if dad is not there. Though my kids are vulnerable in a certain way, hers are much more so, young as they are.

My mom. She is losing her marbles. I've always found her behavior not great. Bad. So bad I've never stopped to envision it being worse, even as it continues to worsen. Ugh.

week end project

Partitioning off this part of the house with 95" long, thick, mink-velvet curtains $140, hanging off a curtain rod $20, attached to ceiling with hooks, $20. Families will enter through the mudroom, left open door, hang a left to the studio at the end of the hallway, or into the bathroom, to the right of the studio. Students and their families will no longer be free to wander into and around our house.The formalized boundary of professional and personal will be a great relief to me and the family.

Painting the new music studio Gray Cloud, ripping up the carpet and laying down something engineered. I get a 2nd quote today on the floor. I am so excited. The furniture stays, the treadmill moves upstairs. And I have to figure out lighting to make the space very bright.

New family room in Jake's old bedroom. We all hung out in there, last night, and love the cozy arrangement.

Jake slept in his new bedroom, first night after moving.This morning he told us he slept well and liked his new room. I am certain he appreciates having a more simplified life and less stuff to take care of.

Hoping we can get this job done in a couple of weeks. Now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can admit I don't want another day of people coming through the house, arriving too early or lingering too long when they leave. Amazing that we can do it for not crazy money. Why didn't we do this years ago? But then again, I didn't have this number of students. I also didn't have last lessons of the day taking 20 minutes to leave or the kind of parent who felt she could rummage around in my kitchen looking for a pen to write a check.My blood pressure rose feeling our privacy being invaded and knowing she probably saw Belac's meds.... I've been better about being a little more formal with students and families, over the years, but this arrangement was long over due.

All good, though. I'm very happy about the improvements taking place!

Returning to MD

Hubby again flying out to MD, this week. We are getting a taste of this life and I guess the offer is really happening. Wondering what it will look like and how we will feel after seeing it. Hubby pointed out that in 5 years, Belac will be graduated from high school. And we will have a little more flexibility to maybe move there. We will see. It's hard to plan that far ahead and know where we will each be.

Yes

Hubby starting a fire to grill some meat and zucchini. Yes, it's raining and cold out and we have a fire going. Who wants to stand outside in this stoking charcoal? Why hubby of course, with a scotch in hand. I'm baking some potatoes and sipping red wine. Kids setting the table and will soon be off to play super smash together.

Jake and I successfully moved him into the guest room. We went through every paper and clothing item and knick knack, no small feat. 3 categories: keep, donate, chuck. He has basically nothing but bare minimum in his room now. All of his belonging are in a small closet or on a book shelf. The bed fills the room. That's it. His old room, now the family room, has a closet filled with games. We all basically dragged furniture all over the house. We are far from done and the house looks like a wreck but it's going to be good.

Amazingly, I also received an email today from a piano teacher a couple of blocks away. We are very friendly. She has too many students and wants to give me her advanced ones. Am I ready for more students? Wow, the timing could not be better. Yes, I replied, thank you!

Exciting

The whole family went around the house to discuss.

Jake is moving out of his own room into the little guest room. His clothes and shelves move with him. We demolish hubby's huge hand me down executive desk with a sledgehammer, and we move Jake's efficient IKEA desk into the office, along with all of the exercise equipment which will now fit. Jake's former bedroom becomes the family room with tv and couch and the former family room becomes my music studio.

Leftover green paint from Jake's room, will now become his in the guest room. The family room will become the light blue grey of the foyer. Once I can find someone to put some acceptable new flooring in the family room, I will move a thousand score, hundreds of kid instruments and my grand piano in there. I can shut the door and teach in peace and quiet, and we can write off expenses for that portion of the house.

I am so excited to have that separate space to teach and glad everyone is onboard, especially Jake who is willing to move into the tiny guest room.

Chevy Chase pied a terre

Texted big sis about what they'd be willing to do. They are great with hubby being in their basement that is walk out and has a full bath and tiny kitchenette. They didn't want any money but I insisted that it would preserve their relationship in the long run and he'd otherwise have to pay for a hotel. I know my sister could use the cash for infertility treatments and this was a very passive way for them to make some dollars.  Can you find out what a parking space costs at your complex? I added. Hubby and I believe we can become a one car household in Sunny Patch.

This set up seems ideal. My sister lives just 4 miles away from what could possibly be hubby's new employer. Hubby gets along well with Sister and her hubby. They like to eat, they have a piano, and they have a basement set up that would be perfect for hubby but goes largely unused by sister and her hubby. He'd be very busy with work and they'd never see him except in the evenings and he wouldn't  be there on the week ends. He is also a very easy to please, independent house guest. He doesn't want maintenance of an apartment or the loneliness of hotel living, but a clean bed to come home to at my sister's and a place to make coffee and oatmeal in the morning is perfect. Now that my big sis has begun treatment, it might also be especially welcome for hubby to see them regularly and give moral/emotional support. They, like us, lack nearby family and help.

So let's see what happens with this Bethesda offer.

good night

They are working on an offer for hubby. We discussed tonight. What does it need to look like for us to be okay with it? More money? How much more money? Less travel? Like 30 weeks or less away? HR had called to feel him out. We are working on it and think you'll like the package we can offer you, she told him.

We'll see. It has to be amazing if he's going to take it. We aren't convinced about  anything yet.

Everyone sleeping now. Hubby snoring as soon as his head hit the pillow. And now I'm off, too, after the longest day of my week. Tomorrow is the first day in weeks we can all sleep in. I told the kids, no one is allowed out of bed until 8am or later! Everyone agreed.

Good night!

preparations

Hubby zoomed off to meet head hunter after I managed to print out his resume. I swear, everything is falling apart. My mac is again having serious problems and sounds like it's going to blow up. The printer took 10 minutes of fidgeting with before it would even start printing, warning me of an obstruction to the ink cartridge I could not find.

We talked more about that other consulting job he had spoken with someone a few months ago. Should he reach out to them again, now that the take over is imminent? And of course we talked about the Bethesda job. He takes an hour long call with them, this afternoon. We are on the fence about it for so many reasons.... Hubby, it came out, I think I want this next Boston concert to be my last. He rolled his eyes, you say that every year. Well, I mean it this time. They are in good shape with the other pianists, and well, I don't really feel appreciated there anymore. You know she hasn't posted my new bio in 2 years? I even asked her again about it. And I'm pretty excited about making my own studio and throwing myself into that for the next while...!

Last night, I was able to buy hubby an air ticket to Italy, seated next to mine both ways. I'm so excited for these concerts with Olivia in beautiful Tuscany! Gimky, hubby told me as he kissed me good bye, we have to get our affairs in order and get our will drawn up.... And the disability insurance, I murmured, in all this spare time you have, we should probably look into it while you still have a job....

My sister's form of cancer was found to be the most aggressive type. However, it was also caught in its early stages and hopefully, all will be fine. Being on top of things and prepared helps. Sometimes - and hopefully - it makes all the difference.

Summer plans

Shipping Jake up to Montreal grandparents while I am away at my artist residency in Tuscany. Bringing hubby with me. Do you think Jake is going to be bored during that week before wilderness camp starts? Probably, hubby replied. Okay, maybe I should find him something to do.

Turns out there is a high school computer science program at McGill during the very week he is there. It's free and intensive and by recommendation only. Taught by actual McGill profs. So now Jake is working on his essay and asking for a recommendation from his school counselor. Amazing if he could get in. The other program he will attend takes place at U Mich when I teach at a music camp in Ann Arbor. It is run similarly and by a U Mich prof.

Jake is going to have a fabulous summer! The lucky kid!

Floor

A big box company came by to discuss options on flooring for the family room. I want to get rid of the disgusting rug before I spend money to have my piano moved in there and I ask moms and their babies to sit on the floor. If money weren't an issue, I'd buy the engineered oak floating floor to almost match and with 30 year warranty for $4100. That includes all new plywood, insulation, small molding and 2 saddles. If I replace the carpet, it's a much more affordable 900 bucks! I can't do one thing and I won't do the other. I am anti carpet for health reasons.

Will have to think about what to do. I can empty out the room and paint, no problem. But I'm going to have to figure out the floor. It's an amazing 380 square feet to play with and have to cover. Nothing is cheap. Like they say, you need to spend it to make it.

For shame!

Just looked up my voter registration on line. I am an 'active' voter, but why am I not registered for any political party? How is that possible? And now I cannot vote for my man, having missed the deadline to affiliate. I took it for granted that I was a registered Democrat. FOR SHAME! It kills me!

studio

Looking at left over paint. What color do we have the most of? Studying the carpet and pulled up part of it. I think it needs to go, it's disgusting. Could we rip it up and put flor tiles right down on the sub floor? Trying to figure out the most economical, practical and beautiful way to convert the family room into my teaching studio.

I'm starting a new Mommy and Me class in Sunny Patch, next month. I have so far 6 kids registered and I'm running the class out of the synagogue. If I can get the studio set up, it opens up possibilities at home. Initially a 2 car garage, it is sizable enough to host performance classes and small groups.

Very, very excited.

Chewing fat

Caught up with hubby over lychee martinis Little Sis poured. Who did he meet with and what did they discuss? Did he think he won them over? Was he forthcoming about the logistical problems? And with one person he was. The CFO. What did he say...?

I explained that our youngest son has special educational needs and how we've spent the past 5 years building relationships and creating a community. That we could not move him. And so when she asked if I had any concerns about this job, this was my concern. A new work/travel model that would take me away significantly from the family.

I teared up over this recounting. He had been advised by at least one person to be very enthusiastic and get the job officially first, then negotiate the details. But hubby disclosed our situation even knowing that it could be a deal breaker or cast a cloud prematurely in the discussions. All other meetings went very well and long about integration of two companies.

We will just have to wait and see how badly they want him.

Exploratory trip

They flew Hubby to DC, last night. They want him for that job. Hubby has had career discussions with both his own boss and the CIO of his own company. He had a conversation with an exec pay negotiator regarding travel/accommodation compensation and a severance protection clause. The question is, is this what he wants to be doing? And is the personal sacrifice, time lost with kids, too great?

He had dinner with big sis and a gang on her birthday. He stayed in competitor's hotel, last night. Consistent, boring, bland, little sis joked. He will have a day there talking with senior leadership. It's all good, I told him, you're in the driver's seat. But I know the stress of borh accepting or declining the job. Also, what needs to happen to get there in negotiating manageable terms.

A few days ago, we had one of the best days of our lives, surrounded by loved ones and hugging our boys and each other. I was never more proud of both my boys and I held back tears as I listened to hubby publicly address Belac. We are not leaving this community for anything.