Final Cut Pro

I am so happy for Belac!

Yesterday, hubby set up a new profile for Belac, uploaded all of the Go Pro videos he ever made, including past movies from another device, and created a shortcut to the newly purchased Final Cut Pro! Belac was over the moon!

This afternoon, he ran home from school, pounded through his homework, declined any invitations to play and is now editing and stringing together a series of 3 dozen clips he made a couple of weeks ago. He and Ethan had been racing together, up and down the street at his block party, in both scripted and improvisatory rounds. It's pretty hilarious, a 'mockumentary' where Belac is narrating in real time. It's one of many - what he calls - Go Pro Tournaments. He's also figuring out how to edit out some swear words I opposed and add special effects. I love seeing him totally immersed in a creative project.

Glad we finally bit the bullet and set up a 'work' station for him. It is just awesome!

walking

Kids up early with plenty of time to shoot baskets. At 7:30am, the boys got their bags and me, the dog, and we were off. We saw our neighbor. Hey! You want to walk with us? No, he said, I'm getting a ride. Okey doke. C'mon my boys or you're going to be late!

Then, as they passed by car, hey! You want a ride?

No thanks, I answered for the boys before they zoomed off.

Mom, why did you answer for us? Jake asked disapprovingly.

Oh! I said, I shouldn't have done that, right...?

I wouldn't have wanted a ride, anyway!

I guess I was worried that you'd both get in, sorry...! We continued on with the dog. It's a beautiful morning, I commented and took a deep breath. You know, Jake, I love walking this stretch with the two of you.... That's the amazing thing about where we live, walking places is easy and quick. And when the weather is nice, it's the best!

I blew Jake loud air kisses at the corner before he was off on his own. He's very 13. C'mon, Mister! I called to Belac, lagging half a block behind me. He, I knew, could not have been coerced into being driven, this morning.

A couple of days ago, he ran into the street without looking in order to retrieve a ball in earnest. I never screamed so loudly. And for that behavior, he needs to earn his pedestrian privileges again. He really wants to walk AND not be supervised, but too bad! I tell him, you could have been killed!! I actually do trust that it won't happen again, but am going through these motions to drill in a point. Now it is all about his proving that he's a responsible pedestrian with my watching from close and afar, and it drives him absolutely bonkers and to tears to know that I'm doing that, even if I'm 2 blocks away. The very thought of it!! For him, walking on his own is a privilege and a right that he treasures. Not for a second does he take it for granted. It's also - in his mind - a sign of my belief in him. Will you ever trust me again? he asks over and over. Will you ever believe in me again? He is truly one determined kid!

My kids prefer to walk and this makes me very proud.

Jake

a loop through Rockwood

Mom, Jake rang me at 3:10, there's a track meet today!

Okay, no problem, I will see you later, ok?

Mom, I can't go. I really can't, I have too much work to do.

Really?

REALLY! I have a Social Studies and Math test on Friday, my power point presentation for French is due on Friday, the final draft of my story is due on Wednesday, my social studies essay is due on Wednesday - which I forgot to start, and then I still have MATH and I have to watch a youtube video for Social Studies!! I can't go to the meet, this is a lot for me.

I was impressed hearing 'for me.' This kid is getting to know himself, although - I didn't point out - I'm sure he could have been doing some of this work during the 4 day week end we just had. Okay, no problem, sweetie pie! I reassured, but just tell the coach okay?

No, Mom, I'll tell him tomorrow! I really need to come home right away and work!

I think you should stop by his room and let him know, okay? This way he doesn't wait for you? He'll respect that.

He's been home since 3:25 and working non-stop. He showed me his 93 on his math quiz and his 87 on his English test. 82 on his Social Studies and he told me he went to the teacher at study hall to try to improve his grade at lunch. Wow, I tussled his hair and kissed him, good for you! He has been working so hard for these grades, with little if no pushing from me. He has started this year with traction and confidence, motivation and grit. I am just so proud of him!

the driveway

Peering into our outdoor toy box, it was clear we were missing 3 out of 6 balls. What the hell? These were all new balls and not cheap! I reprimanded the boys. But I also knew that all it takes is for someone to not retrieve a ball immediately or turn their head - just for a second - and any ball will begin to roll down the drive - right under our driveway gate - gain momentum at our double yellow road and  travel all the way into town. It's happened before that we found one of our balls, blocks away from our house. Even with our name and address on them, I doubt they'll ever find their way back.

A couple years ago, an acquaintance passing by at the foot of our drive commented, we looked at your house, it was odd. I laughed and agreed, even though the friend with me felt indignant to hear such a statement. It's beautiful, she felt the need to say, they've fixed it up a lot!

The house is unconventional and a bit awkward, it's true. But the driveway, running up the side of the house to the almost flat rectangular piece on top, has turned out to be a great place to shoot baskets, ride a bike around in circles, and draw all over with chalk. Our sunken property - and the dome hubby and I once spent an entire day fighting to build from a kit - has turned out to be a cozy gathering spot for the neighborhood kids. The modest side yard is not so obscured but not blatantly in full view, either. Without being fenced in, it feels cozy but free. I think kids like that....

Human interaction is paramount in our house. Sunshine and exercise is essential and a top priority. And in the absence of others around? Being able to amuse oneself without turning to a screen takes practice. This is what happens to your family life when your primary goal is to help your kids develop better social and coping skills.

The other day, one of the neighborhood boys was running off and crying in a childish way his parents - I knew from multiple discussions - are helping him work on. Even though the others were not exactly sad to see this kid go, I heard Belac run after him and call out, Come back, Big! Don't go! We'll do something else...!

What happened?! I asked Belac as I emerged from the house and to the other neighborhood kids, all deferring to him to explain. I don't know, Mom, that's what he always does...! Cooper tells me Big has problems and he doesn't like Big. Cooper looked at me bashfully. Then Belac held his hand out as if to stop me from saying anything, but even though Big is not my favorite person, I always try to include him. 

It's not an overstatement, these are important social skills and life lessons being learned on our driveway. Anything I buy for the kids, now, is something to get the kids outside. I continue to keep the inside of our house stripped down and am really strict about screen time. I think it's one of the best things I can do for my kids, get them outside. I'm happy to see they crave it and crave the company, whenever they hear voices outside. Never a complaint when we hike or bike ride. And during the week, the boys ride in circles and now religiously shoot baskets, morning and night. I'm grateful for Sunny Patch, which has encouraged a strong outdoorsy lifestyle for all of us. And you know what else?  I'm everyday grateful for my boys, the sweetest kids, who help make me a better human being than I otherwise ever would have been.

play date with Olivia

As our kids played and amused themselves, Olivia and I played duos. I pulled out Mozart, Dvorak, and other scores. She warmed up with various concerto excerpts on my violin and I listened with interest as I prepped dinner. She grinned as she tuned, oh my god! she declared, even the pegs are slender! Gimky, my own violin can be so hard to play, this is irresistibly delightful and your G string is so clear! She studied the violin a little, noted a few things about its shape and age. What did the guy think it was again...? I rolled my eyes and shrugged. And then off we went, just like old times. We blasted through music, both old and new, and 15 years later it was as lovely and fun as ever. It made me chuckle how we both kept playing, even as the kids approached us about different things - the ipad, someone saying something not nice, going outside, needing a snack - and we would call out instructions even as we played. Help yourself! Ask Jake to find it. No swear words or I'm sending you both upstairs! It's in the pantry....

The hubbies joined later. While hubby grilled, I noticed hers shot baskets with Jake. And what I love so much about Olivia and her hubby, is how they always talk to Jake with such interest and warmth and always see Belac for his strengths.

It was a fun day and a great new way to have a play date.

spare bike

I am so pleased because my students - as a whole - are doing great, so far, and they have all been practicing. Every single one!  I like that they often come early and then linger, wanting to stay and play with whoever is around. This long week end, some even came by to ring the doorbell, looking for the boys. I love it. The more time spent in the sunshine, the better.

Hubby left a message, this morning. He was with Jake and they were buying him a bigger bike. The kid is growing like a weed. My first reaction was to stop hubby. They should have brought Jake's old bike as a trade in. It was the same size as Belac's, so not a bike Belac could grow into. But then I remembered and hung up as the phone was just ringing. It might be a good bike for another kid....

I'm happy about our decision to pursue this and am proud that we all agree about sharing our family and home. Hoping for a great match.

little brother

corn maze at Barton's Orchard

During a lull in the day, I again looked at the national database of foster children waiting to be adopted. Again, seeing the same 2 boys among the hundreds made me smile. The sweet looking one from the East and the super hero from the South, they really stand out. Hubby and I are now signed up for an adoption orientation in Westchester county. Needless to say, we are not getting a second dog.

Mom, it's perfect, Jake pointed out, because Belac already has a bunk bed. And plus it will be good, he joked, because when he has a little brother that bothers him, he'll know how much he's always bothering me!

Did you hear that hubby? I asked. I actually think Belac being a middle child would be a great development.

Why do you want a little brother so much? I pressed Belac. Because sometimes I'm lonely. Like when my cousins aren't here, it's lonely, he explained. And Uncle Dave is having 3 kids, we should have 3 kids....

Do you think you can be a good role model, a big brother he can rely on? Try to be patient and understanding? I'm really going to try to be a good big brother, he vowed.

It's exciting. We are all on board.

3rd

neighborhood kids out back

I had been weepy all night. Hubby didn't say much and understood full well why I was upset. I can't let things roll off like you, I told him, Dot told me the same thing, I just don't know how to not care, you know that about me, I told him, crying and all bent out of shape after the RH dinner.... In the morning, he told me. Gimky, we should adopt that little boy. It's something we will be proud of when we look back on our lives.... What? What about how we raised our own kids...? That, too, he told me.

Hubby came from a family of 5 kids, 2 huge dogs and grandparents on both sides. I'm from a family of 3 kids and then 3 adopted cousins and my grandma, all under one roof. It was an unspoken assumption when hubby and I married that we'd have some big family ourselves. And then we didn't. It was autism that stopped us at first, and then my cancer scare that didn't let us have any second thoughts.

And so here we are, thinking about a 3rd. Dreaming about it. And thinking about this little boy in foster care.

2nd night

Me: Thank you! Loved tonight, loved hanging with you and your friends. Fun, easy and the kids had a blast. xxx happy and sweet to you.

Dot: Me too! We'll do again! And happiest to you xoxoxoxo

It's very straightforward with Dot. And she loves my kids. I know, because I don't have to hear about it all the time. It's just... normal. Easy. Sarah comes to hug me good bye now, with little prompting, and with a huge smile on her face. And it's always been good with her brother. 'Go ask your other mom - the nicer one' the mom will sometimes joke with her son in front of me.

Someone else's kid doing well does not take away from my own kids doing well. Seems like a simple  and obvious statement, but this is Westchester where a lot of people are competing. Where putting down others, by those who have no business being insecure but somehow are, is just the normal way to validate one's own position. Plenty of nice enough people around me, but the truth is, I wouldn't trust most of them with my children.

 I am really invested in Dot's kids making it, as I am with Kati's, Alyssa's and Olivia's. Even our friends we had trouble with, on the 1st night. Our kids are growing up together and - I hope - friends for life. I wish and want them all to become strong and stable and happy, not just for themselves but for each other. We all benefit if all of our kids grow to their potential.

night 1

I flew off the handle at Rosh Hashana dinner.

Another off color comment from friends. I left the table at the end of the meal and said to our host, who had just gotten up to take care of something.

You know? There are other kids besides your own here that are smart and have potential. There are other educated parents, as educated as you, if not more, that are ambitious for their kids. Just remember that, I snapped.

What...? he looked at me. He really is so oblivious.

So you'd be fine if I asked what you just asked me...? You wouldn't take offense? You wouldn't feel I was underestimating your son?

My heart was pounding. I was over reacting to another of his comments, I knew, but this was now the build up of so many that I had let slip and not addressed over the year.

If I had to hear from him, one more time, how much his son loves Belac I was going to explode! Fine, I believe that, but we also aren't a charity case. It was also HIS kid that got up and left Belac in the lunchroom to eat by himself, favoring the popular kids, which I would never in a million years tell the father. I love his son and his son IS a great kid. But when the father goes on too much about how empathic his kid is and casually says in passing "you just can't learn that kind of empathy" I just want to clobber him. Or dismisses his colleague as an ASS, citing Asperger's as the only reason why. There is just a little dig in everything.

The night ended badly. I was crying and in heated conversation with the wife who wanted to speak with me in private outside. Hubby inside trying to make nice with the others. Dot came out, hugged and kissed me good night. My head rested on her shoulder. Why do I waste my time explaining to these people who will never understand. Why do I care?

I am usually so so good. I can laugh anything off. But if the only thing you can say to me now is that you love me so much and you'd never ever want to hurt me, it's not enough. I don't care about how much you love me, of course I know that. I'm reliably nice to everyone, do everything and more, give everyone the benefit of the doubt, keep my promises and give you the shirt off my back - of course you care about your relationship with me, there are benefits to having me on your side. But here is the thing. It's a package deal and you have to love my kids. Believe in them. Never ever hint to ever being able to dismiss them by so easily dismissing others. Treat them like your own. Loving me is not enough. It's totally not enough.

At the end of the night I hugged our hosts, our friends and weeped. I understand they didn't intend to hurt my feelings and they didn't mean anything. I know they love me, love my kids. I also noticed he did not explain or say sorry for the content of his hurtful comments, but just for the act of hurting my feelings. I had to let it go and had said enough. They do not understand and in a certain fundamental way, we are not on the same page. A sad ending to what was supposed to be a festive New Year dinner.

conversation with Olivia

What...? You're going to become a Reiki master...?

No!  I fussed with my phone, the page was taking so long to load up.

Oh my God, the suspense is killing me! Olivia laughed, offering one ridiculous proposition after another. You're not going to tell me? Just tell me already!

I just want to show you, I put the phone down. I'll show you when it loads up, did I really never tell you about this a year or two ago...?

And then finally I handed her the phone with the sweet boy's picture and profile. She took the phone excitedly from me like it was going to be a picture of something naughty and then was immediately quiet. When she looked up I saw she was crying. Oh My God, Gimky! she said, coming over to hug me.

Wait, wait... we are just looking. But we've been talking about it off and on....

table talk

Hubby and I sat in the dining room, winding down the day sharing a shot of scotch. The kids were in bed and a difficult and almost 3 hour meeting had just adjourned. Hubby is the new Treasurer at the synagogue, a volunteer position, and his role happens to coincide with the renewal of the Rabbi's contract. Studying the past ten years of financial documents, hubby was astonished to see what had been happening and how the synagogue had been relying on one huge donor gift. That donor gift also expires this year. There's just no one in this small community that has that kind of money and the membership has not grown enough to compensate the difference. It's bad. We're talking about a 4O% pay cut....

So, hubby changed subjects. You know, if we decide to adopt, it shouldn't be a decision we put out to the boys. We decide and present to the kids that it's happening...

I agree....   You want to see the kids I bookmarked?

I got out my computer and clicked. From the little I know, Daniel, I showed him, is my first choice. He's 9 years old and in the 4th grade, white, black and hispanic. It says he can be shy but is very sociable when he knows you and loves being with kids over games. Wants to please others. Loves being outdoors, camping, swimming, shooting baskets... all the things we like to do. And he wants a family with other kids and a family that has both a mom and a dad.

I moved on. I showed him my second choice. A 9 year old from South Carolina, African-American. His name is amazing, but paired with our real last name, in particular, would be a super hero's name! We had a good chuckle over that. The kid is also shy at first, but very sociable and has a great sense of humor. We studied his picture. Such an amazing smile and twinkle in his eye! But ultimately we didn't think predominantly white Sunny Patch would be a great fit for him, or at least one of us should be African-American, we concluded....

I showed him another child and right away, hubby noted, we don't have the bandwith for those special needs. True. I clicked on and had to laugh about the next profile. Look, hubby!! this kid looks like you!!  Ten years old, Native American, Hispanic, Alaskan mix! Such a beautiful Asiany looking face with a huge smile and a face that just beamed. He looked like such a happy kid! But reading the description, we knew logistically it wasn't right. He's out west where the climate is always warm and sunny. And he wanted, ideally, a family with ties to his Native American heritage.

So I have two points to make.... hubby offered. The good is that I know our boys would like having another brother. Like if there was another kid in the house right now, gesturing to the picture of Daniel, the kids would be happy. The thing I'm worried about is that I already feel like I don't spend enough time with the kids, so how could we do this? And what if we don't love him the same?

First of all, we would love him plenty and it would happen over time. And between you and me, the kids really do get a lot of attention.... I think it would be enriching to each of us to make room in our family for a kid that doesn't have one. Look what happens when you look at these pictures and read these profiles, right? Don't you want to take so many of them in? Life is just so not fair and we are one of the lucky ones! It's not going to be perfect and doesn't have to be perfect, but we have the potential to change a kid's life for the better and frankly, it would be a good thing for all of us...

So what next? hubby asked. I don't know, but I'll find out.

neighborhood kids

There was an exciting, screaming, laughing game of Pictionary going on in the family room, earlier. A new piano student, an 8 year old down the street, has been coming over regularly to play with Belac. Today, his sister, Belac's age, came to check on him with their cousin. Their non-English speaking Korean grandparents were concerned he was being an intrusion. Not at all! They all ended up taking out this board game and playing. I was touched that the girl was playing with Belac and having fun herself. Has she ever seen what a piece of work Belac could be at school?

Now, the boys are together writing down a list of strategies to beat a certain level on a computer game. In the absence of any screen time during the week, they still enjoy discussing details drawing and planning with pen and paper. Now dribbling a ball outside and discussing it all more. I just love it. It's wholesome play and just very social, all the things Belac benefits from.

We're lucky for the location of this house and how my being a piano teacher has reinforced an open door kind of lifestyle. It has benefitted all of us, but especially Belac. More kids have arrived. They are negotiating some kind of game with the one ball that involves counting. Wonderful!

emails with hubby

Would you be more fulfilled if you had a full-time job? Between getting a second dog, third child, additional paid work, or more volunteer work, how would you sort what would drive the most vs. least fulfillment (or are there other categories that are missing from the above list)? :-)

love, hubby

No full-time job for me. No need for more paid or volunteer work. The second dog is for Belac and Bailey, mostly. But the third kid....

I understand what the worries are. But I also know that we have a big house, a certain know how of the system, relationships with teachers and administrators, a great public school district that we're already at, support everyday during the school week - me, and you and me - the ability to provide for a kid who doesn't have any of this stability, much less a mom or dad. As for the boys, if the child is 9 years old and younger, Jake keeps his status as the eldest and it's no secret Belac has always wanted a younger brother....

The 9 year old I showed you is listed as having 'mild' physical, emotional, behavioral and learning needs. Nothing developmental is cited. He is now in 4th grade, 2 years younger than Belac. He looks a bit exotic (white, black and hispanic) and I think would blend in enough with our family. Did you read the profile? I also got in touch with an agency in lower Westchester so we wouldn't have to return to the DSS in White Plains.

So to answer your question, for the right kid, I put 3rd child at the top of the list. Then dog. I don't need anymore of the rest. And you?

Love, Gimky

on the phone

Mom?? Mom...? I heard lockers slamming in the background and his distressed voice. Belac...? I was really taken aback by hearing his voice in the middle of the day and in between classes, myself, a couple of weeks ago. Mom! Everyone is going to French but me! When is my French tutoring starting?

Belac, soon, I promise! I am arranging it with Monsieur and figuring out a schedule with him. But dad will start French with you, this week end, okay? I have the French book from school!

This week end?

Yes! Don't worry, you are learning French, I promise! You can tell any kid who asks that you are learning French. You just happen to be doing it outside of school! Now go before you're late and get in trouble for using the phone... I love you sweetie pie!

This morning, we couldn't find Belac's violin anywhere. It must have been left at school. I drove him early and dropped him off. Go straight to your homeroom first and look for the violin. Then if you can't find it, go right down to the music room and talk to the teacher. Do not go to your locker until 2nd period, okay? There's no time to go to your locker or you will be late! I asked him to repeat the steps to me knowing the rooms were on different floors and at opposite ends of the building.

I pulled into the driveway and my cell rang. It was Belac. He's really not supposed to use his phone at school.

Mom! I can't find my violin in the room and the teacher is not here!

You're looking around the classroom, right now?

Yes, I can't see it. Oh. Wait!!! I found it!! Yes!!!!

Okay, good! Now walk fast to Orchestra, okay? But no running!

There have also been a few times when he texted me on the way home "my life is bole shit"  or something to that effect. Interestingly, later sitting at the kitchen island having a snack, he'd always admit to me that his day was "actually pretty good" despite the one bad thing.  He's working on letting things go... it's hard. And maybe being at home on those days, gives him a healthier perspective about school.

Without an aide, Belac has had to figure things out on his own. It is totally awesome, he learns by flying solo. But navigating all the little bitty pieces of school can be confusing and very stressful. I know he's not supposed to call me, he's only done it a few times, but I'm glad that Belac thinks to and does reach out to me when he is stressed. Not for my own ego but because I generally believe that kids who hold things in and have no one to talk to are most at risk for regrettable behavior. That he feels the need to tell me what's troubling him is more than I could ever do as an 11 year old social butterfly! He keeps it real and I appreciate that.

Crazy

It came up at dinner about Beethoven again. I noticed hubby said nothing and just looked at me. Jake looked back and forth between us. Belac proudly told all the details of what I was told about Beethoven today. Finally I asked hubby what he was thinking.

You know? he looked at all of us, if we want to really do something meaningful, we'd adopt a kid who needs a family.

Wow. Talk about not expecting that after all our previous conversations about adopting went dormant. He really is as crazy as me.

Oh yeah!!!!!! Belac exclaimed.

Of course I had to go look at the photo gallery. One of two boys I had read about and attracted my attention, last year, is still up for adoption.

Stamford

Woweee. Someone just called me about starting a Mommy and Me program and teaching the little ones at their school. In Stamford, 45 minutes away.... it's too far! He is the life long friend of the Priest at the church nursery school I have been teaching music at for the past 6 years. At this point, I'm not sure what I can reasonably handle with my other new school, all the lessons, and barely getting to all the notes I need to learn. I'm really up to my eyeballs. I told him I could help him find someone because I'd be expensive coming from Sunny Patch, but apparently he is intent on my coming out and meeting them. He wants to build up this young community and heard how the program at the church nursery school has grown and blossomed. Just, wow!

Feeling appreciated.

basketball

A couple of weeks ago, I asked Belac what he was doing at recess. He told me he was "playing basketball." With who? An actual game or just shooting hoops? He's the shortest kid in 6th grade and not very sporty. To be honest, I didn't even know Belac could dribble! And so of course you know what I did. I went online and bought the boys a basketball hoop and some balls.

The portable stand came in a daunting one million pieces and took an entire Saturday afternoon to build with hubby, but the end product was awesome (and it's made in America!) The kids have been outside every single night and early morning shooting baskets. I could see Jake had obviously been playing basketball with kids all summer and knew what he was doing. And what a surprise! Belac has shown me that he dribbles well, manages a few tricks and has good aim!

ohtiz community

It took me 20 minutes to tidy up the house, this morning, the perks of a minimalist lifestyle. But it's ridiculous, why did I have a cleaning crew coming? But leaving the hard scrubbing, dusting, wiping everything down and washing the floors does free me up to practice and prepare more for my much fuller plate this year...  It's a team of 3 that comes, a company owned by someone in the neighborhood. They're Turkish and all immigrants. One person is fairly new to the team and today, I asked her in passing if she had children.

Yes, 4-1/2 years old. He is ohtiz, she explained.

What is he? I asked, suspecting she was telling me what I thought she was telling me. Now I would never be able to let them go.

He is ohtiz, she repeated.

He is...  autistic? I asked and she nodded.

He is non-verbal and just got out of diapers. He has intensive ABA everyday. He has behaviors and sometimes bangs his head on the wall when mad. Turns out, our boys had been to the same school. Had been to the same OT clinic.

Your son...?? Outside? she asked in surprise. Belac was long gone, but had been shooting baskets when they arrived. Yes, I told her, he's 11 and has improved a lot. Yours will, too, I offered. We talked about the unknowns of kindergarten. You can always talk to me if you have questions, I told her, we've been through those meetings! And by the way, I told her, we are lucky we live in Westchester. I told her about a transition program that was being developed at the local university. Wow, she exclaimed. Yeah, I agreed, hopefully by the time your son is 18, the program will be great.

Today, Dot forwarded me a job listing. An organization is looking for an entrepreneur type to build relationships within a community, find meaningful and paid employment for adults with autism and be involved with their training. It is intended to be sustainable, in other words not funded by government. This parent-founded organization has already established a successful program in another state and the goal is to transfer this model to the metro NY area. What can we do? I wrote back. No, she wrote, not we, not me... YOU!

On Friday night, Dot had just brought her daughter to the first special needs service at our synagogue. I rallied up 14 kids and 9 families to come, even though the Rabbi warned me to not be deterred if no one showed. He underscored the value of people just knowing that we're trying to get a program started. Little did he know that I had learned from one of our parlor meetings and no one showing despite their RSVPS.  This time I made phone calls to parents I knew, emailed reminders to the same parents whether they could come or not, posted to various message boards, and just basically reached out and followed up personally to everyone who showed interest or might know someone who'd benefit.

I signed on Dot's daughter, a special needs kid, to be my 'assistant' helper and trained Jake and another boy to be greeters at the door. The Rabbi and I had multiple discussions about how to make the service as interactive as possible, and how to manage behaviors, both good and difficult. I spent hours on the storyboard and brought instruments in baskets and set up small stations for kiddush. You know what? There was a 14 year old boy who had never been to synagogue with his family until this service. Another family hadn't been going to services at all, always worried about their child's disruptive behavior. I was never so proud in getting people together who wanted and needed community. I was also told today that one of the families was so touched after attending this experimental 30 minute service, they are giving a donation towards this initiative!

I really don't have much time to spare this year but that job listing does make me pause. The special needs cause is motivating to me, obviously for personal reasons. And this job description sort of plays into my passions and what I'm good at. I'll have to think about it some more.

Shabbat shalom

What a crazy busy amazing day. I am so lucky. My work is meaningful this year. But I also ordered pizza delivery for dinner today because I ran out of suitable freezer finds and we all just had a half hour to eat before running to the first ever special needs service at our synagogue. It was absolutely incredible, by the way. The Rabbi and I collaborated on something just so, so good. People came out seeking community for their special needs families. But I will have to write about it another night. I am totally tired, though in the happiest way.

Everyday was a long day this week and I am sleeping in! I told the kids: no one is allowed out of bed before 8am. Hubby off in the wee hours to bike but the rest of us need sleep!!

Shabbat shalom!

Busy

Busy. Up to my eyeballs. It's all good but it's also all a bit much. Kids stuff. Work stuff. New stuff. On Saturday, I'm sleeping in. Totally.

Taking care

Today our alarm company came to upgrade our system and to add an alarm to an exterior door. As a freebie, they threw in a wireless camera, and is this ever something. I positioned it in the kitchen, where it could capture all the comings and goings when anyone enters via one of 4 doors or goes upstairs. As soon as one of the exterior doors opens, the camera records for 30 seconds.

The kids and I watched me let the dog out and answer the door. We saw what happened when Belac came home. Nothing! He entered through the garage and didn't come into the kitchen right away. We laughed when we saw Jake, who finally in second 25, threw his sweatshirt and bag on the island and opened the fridge...

And then at dinner, hubby saw us all waving in live cam and chatted with us via speakerphone. Earlier while I was in the kitchen he texted to teasingly tell me it was rude for me to have my back turned to him! Did he happen to look when I had potato chips with Jake after dinner? Opened a bottle of wine for a sip? He wouldn't care, but it IS a little weird that we can each tune into this cam whenever we want.

Ultimately I think this cam is going to sit in a window looking down on our driveway. You know what? There's a lot of pedestrian traffic cutting through our property to the main road to town, but we are really hidden from our neighbors. They wouldn't have a clue if there was trouble here, but we could program this thing to take timed photos. It's not preventative, but we can look to see what happened later.

I have changed my habits since my purse was stolen. When  I'm not home, I lock the doors and now always alarm the house. And that's the way it now goes, even in Sunny Patch. What a shame.

Reading

Why did Mrs. V need a tissue? Because she is crying. Did Melody ever speak to Mrs. V before? No. So what were her first words ever to Mrs.  V? Uh. Thank you.

Why were her dad's hands shaking? Because the computer was going to talk. But who was making the computer talk? Melody. And why did the mom lose it? She was crying. Was she sad? No. She was happy, crying because she was happy. Why? Because Melody said I love you to her parents. How old is she? 11. And her sister? 2 years old. So they waited 11 years to hear her talk, right? And her first words were? I love you. And why is mommy weepy? I asked. Because you're happy Melody can talk?

Belac, it's important to read and I am so proud you're reading is getting better. It's going to open up worlds for you, it's going to help you!

He reads 10 pages a day to me and is forced to answer question after question from me as we go. Today we got to page 138.

Missed

Jake arrived home after cross country and I saw him plop down on the couch. He said nothing and was withdrawn. He wasn't hungry. He didn't want to shower. School was boring and long. I couldn't get a word out of him. After awhile, the dog jumped on the couch next to him and put his head on his knee. Bailey is amazing. He just knew. I took the dog's lead and also sat.

Minutes passed as Jake kept petting the dog. I saw him wipe his eyes with the blanket.

Mom...? I didn't get credit for cross country today because after the 1 mile run I played a little soccer and didn't cool down.

Okay, I shrugged, so you'll remember that next time.

But Jared yelled at me when the teacher was right next to him, and got me in trouble. I was going to tell the teacher anyway, but Jared was being a jerk! I asked him why he wanted to get me in trouble and he had like a whole bunch of lame excuses!

I was quiet and handed him a tissue box. You know, Jake, he might still be getting over that you missed his bar mitzvah on Saturday. I called his mom and apologized, told her it was all my fault. That my purse was stolen with his invite and how I then put it down for the wrong date and I really should have double checked. We were really, really sorry!!

I said sorry, too! And he didn't thank me for the gift either. Just took it!

It was a big day and he feels bad you weren't there and it's probably going to take time for them to get over it, okay...? He's your good friend and this might take some time....

I'm usually very organized and very prompt, especially when it comes to the kids' activities. When I heard Jake had missed the best friend he has at school's bar mitzvah, I wanted to cry. I'm really so sorry!

Inclusion

A dozen people here for a board meeting, tonight. The Rabbi comes early to discuss with me the first in a new series of special needs programming at our synagogue.

I have wrapped pairs of beautiful, hand-dipped Shabbat candles in cellophane and ribbon, for all families who attend this Friday. They were all bought on my own dime, but I was more than happy to do this. The rabbi and I worked on an enclosed message together and it's just beautiful. A little warm message and a gift for when the families next light Shabbat candles. The nice thing about being a busy body is that there is the opportunity to effect positive change. I'm showing the rabbi my instruments and giving him a little instruction on how to interact with some of these kids. Encouraging everyone to sit close. Speaking clearly and simply. Saying the blessings with challah in small groups. Taking the initiative to include everyone.

We belong to a progressive place, which explicitly welcomes LGBTQs and interfaith families. This Friday is an official first, a short service for special needs congregants and their families. It's good!

Busy

Busy busy busy.

Off to make a 10 minute presentation at a round table meeting for special needs programming. There will be administrators, clergy, and social workers there. I have collected and organized the feedback from 3 special needs parlor meetings I helped facilitate, and I will be sharing these findings.

You know what everyone wants, basically? Community. You know what else, I realize, which will not be appropriate to share today? The more you're concerned about appearances, the less community you're going to have. And also, the more you give of yourself, the more you get in return. I'm really glad I don't live in Scarsdale.... The parents who showed and began weeping happened to each be from Scarsdale and the loneliest of the bunch. Ironically, they generally also have the most resources to pay for all the schooling and extras, but maybe not the best environment to allow oneself to be vulnerable. All to say, parents of special needs kids need each other, all across the board. Money helps, but it's not enough.

I am much more busy, this year, but I think it's good. There's meaningful work, challenging work, and guess what? I'm not keeping any student who doesn't practice. Let's just preserve everyone's sanity.

1 mile

Listened to a message I missed. It was the PE teacher and she left her cell number. Gimky! she greeted me by first name I noticed, I'm sorry but he ran the mile this morning. He was crying and saying he could do it. We looked at his knee and I wasn't sure if he had gotten stitches... I thought I had convinced him that he could do it on another day that his knee felt better, but then when the second group got up to run, he got up and ran with them and there was just no stopping him. Oh, God! I exclaimed, so now you know what he's about! He gets these ideas in his head and won't let them go.... It's totally fine he ran, but I just don't want him to be disrespectful to you! And I've told him before that he needs to control his tears because at this age, kids think things.... He wasn't disrespectful. You know what else happened? she continued, he was on his 3rd lap and the entire class started chanting "you can do it! you can do it!" until he finished. It was actually very sweet.... That was very kind. I was happy to chat a little longer with the teacher, let her know she was allowed to lay down the law with Belac and then exchange niceties. Just a few years ago, I might have had my heart sink to my feet and interpret this as yet another example we are a charity case, but I was grateful for this call made in kindness. And you know what? All the hours and hours of volunteering I've done at school and the teachers I've gotten to know in the process, not to mention the gift cards for coffee and handwritten thank you cards at Christmas.... I think it all helps. The PE teacher remembered me from the middle school music concerts, where she was assigned to monitor kids and I was just there to help. Maybe she remembered how we really appreciated her as Jake's PE teacher; during the 3 years he had her, he always described PE as his favorite subject at school when asked by any one. Lately, I've been worried about Belac, seeing where he is relative to his peers at yet another beginning of a new school year. In the past week, many of his teachers have taken the initiative to reach out and say hello, many who were already Jake's teachers and recognize that Belac needs extra. I am just so grateful for this support.

Penny

Spotted something shiny on the road while almost home with the dog. I stopped, turned around and picked it up. It was a penny alright. What would I wish for? That Belac be normal...? But would he still be him? I couldn't wish for that. That people love him? That he figure things out? But what exactly? I was confused. But by the time I was in the backyard, I had it figured out. If his concentration could improve, a lot of things would improve. School would be less stressful, the quality of his relationships would improve, he'd understand more what was happening around him and he just wouldn't have to work so hard to achieve just a little of what most of us can take for granted. I wish Belac could sustain concentration and be outside of himself much more.

Tonight his teacher called. We spoke for an hour about Belac. Mostly she just listened as I mostly spoke of his social and emotional accomplishments and challenges. I was very frank and forthcoming about both the good and the hard. I gave several anecdotes from his middle school years so far, and at one point I could feel her getting emotional. I knew if I stopped to think about what I was saying, I might weep. And so I just focused on how far he had come and what we hoped he'd achieve this year.

Do I really want to walk TWO dogs? Tomorrow, my contractor comes to see if we can figure out a dog run along the side of our house. We'd let the dog(s) out a small door we'd have replace a window out our family room. Belac loves Bailey dearly and has learned so much about empathy and caring for another creature. Why shouldn't he develop a relationship with another dog? Why can't we have two? No matter what, whether I'm around or not, Belac should always have a dog to enrich his life.

Hubby is not going to be thrilled with me and Jake is really not sure what to think. Only Belac is so enthusiastic about Bailey gaining a brother. Not only did I call about Beethoven, I submitted (non committal) adoption papers, dog unseen. I have fallen in love with this dog's face. If my contractor can make me a dog run, well, I'm going to want to bring that adorable creature home.

Beethoven

Gimky! What? Are you crazy? No!!!!

Really, no. Are you serious...?!

Gimky! We barely have the bandwith with for the one.

Gimky, rolling eyes, NO WAY!! No way. No way.

And still later. Yes I think he's cute but...!! (Ok, he should have never said that and was now in trouble.)

Oh my God, Gimky! hubby exclaimed, he'll get married!!

I don't know, I told him, it's going to be some special girl that's going to live and put up with him! You know he asked me tonight if I think he will have kids? Not the first time. He wants kids so badly...! Look... Belac loves Bailey so, so much. They sleep together almost every night. He takes care of him, thinks about him, worries about him.... I don't know what's going to happen in Belac's personal life, but you know, having pets will enrich his life. He loves Bailey so much. Why not Beethoven, too?

Throughout dinner hubby noticed I was preoccupied. I shrugged. He didn't know I was trying to figure out how to fence in part of our property for the dogs....

Earlier I texted his brother. He had just posted a video about the impact a shelter dog had on an autistic boy. For whatever reason I'm smitten by the pictures of a dog up for adoption nearby. Don't you think he is so adorable?? It's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Pug mix. Don't ask, hubby has said no 3 times already. Couldn't we adopt him for you and you change your mind??

1st week

Got home at 9pm last night and then hung out on the porch with the fam. We were all wrapped in blankets except for hubby, the true Canuk. The crisp air was so refreshing and we left all the windows open overnight. Sleeping in until 8:30 never felt so good!

I have decided that on days I teach at the nursery schools, I don't need to exercise. I am always standing, walking around, marching, jumping, kneeling, stretching, squatting, carrying a baby on my hip, leading little kids by hand and dragging a ton of instruments with me wherever I go.... If anything, it's a lot more like movement classes to music at this point.

Last night, running off with violin to play with the band, I could feel my hip. What am I, an old lady? Not only do I have to drink water before, during and after my mornings, I totally need to stretch.

Tgif

Love the new school and the kids. But as I hopped into the car, I found myself not feeling well. My voice was hoarse from 2 mornings of non stop singing and I had a pounding headache. When I was sent on a detour, making the 20 minute drive home 40 minutes, I wondered where I could just pull over and close my eyes.

I had just fallen onto the couch at home when a cop came by to have me sign a paper about my stolen purse. Bad things have been happening in Sunny Patch, lately. The car stolen on our street was found in NYC stripped of its parts. There was a mugging 3 blocks away, where a woman was hurt, and homes continue to be burglarized like never before. This is a sleepy town where no one previously locked up or worried about walking around...

I drank a huge thing of water and just made and ate a sandwich. You know what? I only had coffee this very early morning and it was already 2pm, I just realized. I took care of everyone but myself. My bad.

Appearances

Back to school night for Belac. I sat among people who were dressed up, including Flower's mom who sat next to me at one point. All wearing real jewelry and blazers. Went to teach in Rye, today, and found the parents generally dressed much better than me in Mommy & Me... I have the new classes in Greenwich tomorrow and went shopping. I bought 3 outfits on my business credit card. I lost my voice in classes today, and I was thirsty and dehydrated. Shopping, I had a cramp in my toes for all the prancing around! But you do what you have to do....

Tonight at dinner I told the kids how important first impressions are. There were mommies in my class today that looked absolutely gorgeous! Others that looked like they rolled out of bed.

At the moment, I only care about first impressions at my new school tomorrow.  I will look as fine as I can and hope all goes well.

Off to bed. Wish me luck, please!

mystery

There is something so weird going on with the school I'm about to begin teaching at tomorrow. I have to skooch back and explain that I never formally applied for this job that was available for an entire school year. I didn't know about it. But someone who had met me through music class made the introduction and that's how I came to visit the school, last June, teach a bunch of classes cold and sit down with the principal.

During the whole process, there was this emphasis on a woman being there, who observed. She was a professor of education I was told, and had a child in the school. The woman was not warm at all, nor friendly, and sat in the corner as I taught the classes and then in a one on one conversation I had with the principal. She said little, asked nothing and was basically a blank face. It was a little weird, but I am a trained performer and know perfectly well how to compartmentalize. Plus this particular age group and kind of teaching is my strength and love. I also had the benefit of immediate positive feedback from the teachers and how they loved the music making and movement games I had just played with their kids. I had fun that day and felt appreciated.

Within a week, the principal hired me as the new music teacher and offered a generous hourly rate that shocked me. They also promised more classes in the future. Wonderful!

So pre-school start, there have been multiple emails back and forth between Principal and me about how to incorporate the curriculum into music classes. The principal liked my ideas about incorporating actual music skills. She also tried to set up a meeting with the professor parent before this first day of music, tomorrow. I kid you not, there have been at least 8 emails this past week between the principal and me about dates and times, trying to accommodate this parent, and everyday there has not been a peep. Yesterday, the principal wrote and cc'ed me, can you please tell us if you can meet today? And then this morning, at 6:30am, the principal and I had an exchange about meeting at 12:30 today, after I was finished with my other school in the area. When I checked email at noon, there was still no reply from the woman.

I wrote a perfectly nice email saying I assumed we weren't meeting and was now heading home, away from Greenwich. However, I would come early to teach tomorrow and was looking forward to it.

It then occurred to me to look up this woman. What was going on? Why were they so intent on getting this woman involved? She had her doctorate in MUSIC Education from Columbia, I read, with an emphasis in child pedagogy. Um, wow. She was a performance major in undergrad. Interesting! She is adjunct at a school but did not have anything full-time from what I could see. Wait. Could she have wanted this nursery school job...?

I had heard from one of the teachers that there had been some candidates but either they weren't experienced enough or it wasn't the right fit.  I was also told about some vague hang up over finding a music teacher, resulting in not having one all year and it was described as a sore point. So maybe she wanted this job and they wanted to give her the job but she wasn't the right fit? And maybe having her as part of the search committee was a way to save her dignity, given that she is a parent of a child at the school? Am I reading too much into this or suffering from an over active imagination?

It sucks to be passed up, if that's what happened. I've been there plenty of times and with my kids, it seems lately that it's been my primary duty lately: helping them cope and always pick themselves up with grace. Not responding and leaving everyone hanging, that's unprofessional and just makes things worse for everybody, including the kids. She should have said she was unavailable or made something up. I didn't get to a chance to become a little more familiar with anyone or the space before my first day with the kids. It should be about the kids getting what they need. In a gamble of all or nothing, the principal got nothing. She should have just met me by myself, today!

Device free zone

It was Belac who pointed out how hypocritical hubby and I were being about our electronic usage, even if for legitimate reasons. So afterschool and when we are home with others, and especially eating with family, our devices are now nowhere to be seen. The phones are parked in the charging station and the iPads are hidden until the week ends. I see texts hours after they have been sent and am on FB much less.

Do you know that the average person checks their phone 125 times a day??? That is nuts!!

Controlling ourselves and living in the present and the real. It has been great for all of us.

Mac

Our Mac is broken and it's a big discussion with hubby about what to do about it. It's already 7 years old, I've been told, but it's just 7 years old! So it has a blue screen, okay, it's a hardware problem. I know when we bring it in to be serviced, there will be the hard sell to buy a new one. We will be told that ours is a dinosaur. They'll make fixing this computer prohibitively expensive and hubby will have to take an entire week end reinstalling programs. I know. But just because you can buy a new computer, doesn't mean you should.

Last night I asked hubby. This is going to sound crazy, but what if we don't even get the computer fixed? He looked at me like I was crazy.

Every night ends with the kind of ping pong or playing outside or chess game where I'm begging the kids to please go to bed. It is really the best kind of interaction and playing and it makes me happy to see. We have filled our lives up with far more wholesome things with strict rules in place of electronics on the week end only.  Jake has his no brand computer he built at camp that he uses for school, and it is hooked up to the internet and supervised by net nanny. Belac doesn't need to use the computer for school yet. Surprisingly, we haven't exactly missed the Mac. Though if I buy the animation program for Belac, we'd have to figure something out... But that aside, why do we need to provide another distraction, another time sink for all of us?

Playing

We don't have a lawn out our front door, but plenty of concrete. Enough for a game of cops and robbers on scooters between Belac and our next door neighbor. Come get me, Belac! I heard him taunt. It's beautiful! But how much, realistically, can he catch up socially even with this constant focus of always being and playing with others? At what point is it, well, that's just the way he is?

Up in Happytat I watched Belac play Operation amazingly with his cousins. They are 4 years old.  He couldn't play interactively like that at 4 years old, and here he was with his young cousins as not quite the leader of the pack at 11 years old, though not  looking much older. Better late than never, right...?

It's a blessing in disguise he is so little. It makes it much easier to blend in with kids younger than he. And it gives him the opportunity to catch up on all that interaction he wasn't capable of when he was younger.

May he always grow and learn!

Mr. Jake

Hubby, he's downstairs and ready for school way before 7 every morning. Before the alarm even goes off. Feeds himself breakfast and packs himself lunch... I never told him to do all of this.

You want to know why I think Jake is doing so much better? hubby asked on the porch as we shared a shot of scotch on the porch after kissing the boys good night. I wrapped myself in a blanket and had my feet in his lap.

Camp! we both declared at the same time.

Wilderness camp stretched Jake in an amazingly fun, very hard and awesome way. He's definitely grown.

Comprehension

Any time I talk to a special needs teacher or a reading specialist, I ask, how does one teach reading comprehension? The answer is always, that's a hard one. Especially for a kid like Belac. And then no one hesitates about offering to give it a shot with him for a hundred bucks an hour.... You know what? I've figured it out.

According to this blogspot, I've been here for 5 years. Pretty much collecting the stories of my kids everyday and recording my trials and tribulations as a mom (real estate agent, wife, pianist, advocate....) That's a long time and a lot of practice!  And if I say so myself, at this point, I know how to write a really mean letter or complaint or request.

Belac has to read, everyday. But that is not enough. He has to read aloud to me and held accountable for every word. But that is still not enough. You know what needs to happen? Someone needs to be at his side in real time, constantly asking questions for comprehension. It is tedious but that's the way to get him to comprehend. Always pausing in order to reflect and understand the 'why'. It takes so much patience and motivation In a one-on-one setting, but I am convinced this is the only way.

How could the girl know Melody was sad, even though Melody couldn't talk and say so? I asked him. Why is it good that Melody's babysitter put the monkey on the floor where Melody could barely reach it?  Why did the father say he couldn't pay the babysitter enough? It's true, maybe they didn't have enough money. But let's say, you paid your sitter 10 dollars to take care of you. And then one day, she saved your life by helping you not get hit by a car or you would have died!! On that day would you feel like giving her more or less or the same money? Why?

After an hour of reading with Belac, I went up to check on Jake. I pointed out inconsistencies in his French homework and suggested he review his conjugations and start the writing assignment anew. Then looked over the Social Studies. The reading was hard! There was both a dissenting and majority opinion about the Louisiana Separate Car Act as it related to the 14th amendment. I had to read each opinion twice to fully understand it and wondered how Belac could ever one day figure this out....

I looked over each of the 14 questions Jake had to answer in paragraph form. Then read his answers. What is 'it'? And here, who is 'they' and 'them'?  Also, you generally need to restate part of the question in your explanations so the reader knows exactly what you're explaining.... And here, this statement makes no sense, you're contradicting yourself.... And here's something to think about. Who made this law? Whites and blacks together? So why is that a problem? Do you think the cars are really equal? What if the cars for whites had seats and windows and the ones for blacks did not? How would you feel if we couldn't sit in a car for whites and theirs was air conditioned and ours was not? What if you couldn't sit with your white friend and your white friend couldn't sit with you?

When Jake was done with his hwk, hours later, I showed him an email from his French teacher. "BTW, Jacob!! I swear he grew and is "on." Three days, but let's keep them coming!!"  Jake was smiling from ear to ear. So far he has turned everything in, filed everything away, checked everything off and put in extreme effort for quality. And you know what was interesting as he packed up? I had to sign an English contract that we read together. It also stated 8th graders who earn 93 and above in both English and Social Studies for the year, qualify for Honors English and History in 9th grade. I could see this p.s. gave him pause. These are 2 of Jake's strongest subjects, and getting those marks there would not be such an extreme stretch, as long as he turns everything in on time!!

Mom? I don't think I should take tennis, he told me. No problem, done! I answered.

And then off he was for an hour of ping pong before bed with hubby. The best reward for a day of great effort!

I'm autism

Mom, Belac told me as he sat down at the island to start homework. I'm in the class for idiots, like, I am in the autism class!

What do you mean?

Today, our teacher made us read so slowly and with a finger pointing to every word!! It was so babyish. I never had to do that! I want to get good at reading so I skipped ahead of everyone else!!!

Belac....

And Ethan told me I'm autism. That's what he said! I swear mom! He told me that whenever a team loses in PE it's because of me and that's why no one wants me on their team!!!

When did he tell you this?

Last year. At Ian's house. And Ian got mad at Ethan and told him I was fine.

And then I just looked at my boy, wiping his tears away.

First of all, Belac, you are an amazing kid. Amazing. You are great at drawing, you make interesting movies and you have great ideas no one ever thinks of! You have so many good things going for you! Second, everyone has problems. Everyone. And you're facing up to your problems and I'm so proud of you. If anyone. ANYONE tries to shame you, this is what you say: Please don't tease me or make me feel bad about something I can't help. I'm working on my challenges. And remember, you're not perfect either. You hear me? That's what you say!

I hugged him.

Also, I decided on the spot, it's time I tell you the story about you. I want you to listen very carefully. Are you listening?

When you were 2-1/2 years old, Belac, you knew all the letters of the alphabet and all the numbers to 100. We never taught you, but you somehow knew! You also knew every car logo and font, right? And by the time you could write, you could draw any lettering perfectly from memory, like a copy machine! From early on, you showed us you were very smart and had an amazing memory! But then when I put you in school, we realized that even though you could talk, you weren't talking to other kids or teachers. You repeated whatever you heard and you didn't like to look at anybody. Sometimes it was like you were deaf. You got stuck on playing with cars. And do you remember, sometimes you'd run back and forth and do this with your eye....?

No, he didn't remember. I had his full, full attention.

The doctors thought you had autism. That's actually what they told me when you were 2-1/2 years old. Remember we had so much therapy at the old house? Remember Jessica and Ellen? He looked at me with wide eyes. But the doctors didn't know you would learn how to behave and interact with others. And how you'd make such good friends, even if you have trouble with school sometimes. They never dreamed you'd walk to school by yourself, make films, and do as well as you are. You are one of the hardest workers I know and you have come so far!! And even Dr. Ashton describes you not as autistic anymore but having troubles with attention. ADD he calls it.

And about this class.... You know Connor read 10 books off the 6th grade list, and he is still in your class and needing to put his finger on the page. How many books did you read...? Oh my God, mom!! I didn't do that!!! You have to work so hard, sweetie pie. So hard, and it's never too late. I will help you, okay? I'm not good at reading!  We have to read everyday together, I told him, without fail. And with that, I washed him some grapes and he began at page 32 of Out of my Mind. Every paragraph, we read between the lines of what this disabled girl was thinking and feeling. The next 18 pages took a tedious one hour, but it was absolutely amazing to watch him put himself in this girls shoes and figure out why this girl felt the way she did.

Knowledge is power. Belac deserved to know and was ready to know. You don't have to be perfect, but you do need to try your best and you do. We are so proud of you. I love you so much! And so does Daddy, Jake, uncle Dave, your cousins, your friends....  Even though we are helping you to make life easier, we also love you just the way you are.

Taking shape

Hubby: he will hate being with other 8 year olds. Reminding him of his size relative to kids his age.

Me: no he won't, they will be his size and level. It's perfect.

Hubby: will the class be described as for 8 year olds?

Me: junior start (10 and under)

Me: hubby, he cannot be in a class with 11 year olds, he will drown.

Hubby: is the "10 and under" part of the label of the class, or just "junior start"

Me: junior start (in parenthesis, 10 and under)

Me: if it comes up, I will let him know that Jake is in junior training with 10-12 year olds. I'll let the instructor know how sensitive Belac is, but Belac is going to have to just get over it. Only way to avoid this issue is private lessons, but that is unaffordable and much better for him to be with kids.

The boys' schedules are shaping up:

Belac will hopefully have French Monday or Tuesday. He is taking an extra English class instead of Foreign Language at school, and this decision was very painful for him. French outside of school was our compromise. Wednesday he will have the tennis he wants. Thursday, Hebrew School. Friday, movie making. Sunday, Hebrew school. Piano and daily reading aloud with me.

Jake has cross country practice, Monday-Friday. Science after school enrichment on Thursday. Tennis on Friday. Table tennis on Saturday mornings, with optional Monday and Wednesday league when he doesn't have much homework. I love that he will walk there himself. And tennis tournmaments on Sundays. What a difference no more Hebrew school makes. And I appreciate that his extra-curriculars are physical activities he loves. He's not a distinguished athlete by any means, but he enjoys the running and the racquet sports, all of which have dramatic positive impact on his physical and emotional well-being. I would also like him to volunteer or work someplace, and we will figure that piece out once his workload becomes more clear.

Today, a service came to scrub down the house and what do you know? The team of 3 took a little over 1 hour to scrub and wipe everything down. Once upon a time, they came every other week and stayed over 2-3 hours. Now they hadn't been by in months! But during this time, the house was majorly emptied out and both boys learned to clean the bathroom, do laundry and dishes, and just basically tidy up everyday. It makes me realize we don't need this service and can let them go. Dot told me the other night, you know what you need? Art on your walls! I know other people's inclination is to fill empty spaces up, but all that extra stuff makes me feel burdened and claustrophobic. I appreciate a simplified way of life, and I know my family prefers the informal and easy, too. Only what is useful and beautiful, that's my motto. 

Family time

Two long evenings with friends. Reading with Belac. Helping Jake organizationally, who has had hwk everyday and I've pushed to be methodically careful. He bookmarked his teachers' websites for checking everyday. He's gotten friendly with the 3 hole punch and already emailed off his French homework. It's a strong start, and his getting up extra early, everyday, is amazingly helpful. Cross country 5 days a week has also begun, it's just so great for him.

A hike up Turkey Mt and all of us lingering at the top over snacks. We've been coming here for at least 6 years, we counted. I hope they'll always come with us, even as sullen teenagers. A 3 mile run for me. Much more exercise for hubby - he biked 46 miles and ran 5 miles today! Everyone prepping for another week and helping. Belac vowing to watch his words. A good mix of work and play. And mostly, the luxury of time on our side and a reenergized will from each of us to do our best.

New year

"Kids who, for the most part, ignore kids like me," Belac read aloud from his book.

After a long pause, Belac looked up. "Like me, too" he said.  Really? Well, at recess. All the kids are playing football and I have no one to be with... Mom, can you like sign me up for tennis or something. Because I want to play wall ball but I suck. I can't catch a ball! Okay, I reassured him after a sort of stunned pause, you know what? I bet we can start with Dad and Jake playing catch with you everyday, ok? You're not going to want help from me, I'm not good at catching and throwing either.

Earlier today, at breakfast, I whispered in Jake's ear, help me, ok?

We had 3 conversations in front of Belac. I prepped him to evaluate and tell me which one was the best. Conversation 1 was fine enough, but one-sided. Jake answering but with as few words as possible, including one answer being 'I don't know.' They both laughed hysterically, because they both know how I feel about the words "I don't know" being a cop out. Conversation 2, Jake answered all of my questions with full sentences, offering up more info than was required. Conversation 3, Jake answered all of my questions following up each of his answers with his own question, I.e. How are you? What did you do today? What do you think the best thing was about...?

Mom, mom! Belac cried, I want to try. We had the similar 3 conversations. It was such a good lesson for Belac and he chuckled along following those instructions. I think I literally saw the lightbulb go on in his head.

And then off to Hebrew school Belac went. Why do I have to walk him? Can't he walk himself? Jake asked. Because I have another lesson coming and he's your brother. Dad's picking him up.

I have been practicing and am happy about moving my fingers. It's like, breathing again. And I am happy the kids seem to be rising to my higher expectations and sharing in keeping the household running and taking care of each other. I am so hopeful about this year, I want to say but am afraid of jinxing anything. So, how about. This past week, my boys have demonstrated real growth and I'm very proud. I said it before and can only say it again while knocking on wood: so far, so good!

Wellness

I have been drinking my fruits and vegetables for breakfast and lunch these past couple of days. My family looks at these weird colored smoothies and they just shake their heads. But it was Olivia who introduced the idea to me, as something that helped start her day off with a boost of energy.

Yesterday, we were at friends. I watched what I ate though did not deprive myself, sipped 1-1/2 glasses of wine over 6 hours, and watched everyone else get toasty. You know what? At midnight, when we were packing out and heading down the street home, I realized how energetic and in good spirits I felt. I did not feel sleepy, woozy, stuffed or even full. I felt just right.

This past week, my mother posted some black and white photos of herself from when she was 18, fifty years ago. She had just received the scans from a cousin. She looked happy, fit and like a voluptuous hottie in these candid pictures. I 'liked' all of the photos. Beautiful! I commented. But Uncle wrote: who is this girl? (maybe he didn't know, but more likely he was being his ass-like self.)  And yet another from her good friend, and who is this...??? There was a little back and forth among others about how the girl's chin looked like my mom's? Maybe it was my... mom?

Ouch.

What happened? Even accounting for cultural differences, why did things turn out so wrong? If she could go back, would she have tried harder to help herself...? Or maybe it was the best it could be and one should not be too selfish. Who am I to judge.

I really want to be healthy and age well. And as I settle into my 40s I realize that coasting along is not really going to be enough for my goals, even with my all in moderation sort of philosophy. I have to figure out something I can sustain over the long haul. Yoga class this week was good. So was time on the treadmill. Better eating, too.  I need to stick with these things!

More work

Last year came the realization that I could and should take on more for myself.  And now, it all starts this Sunday.

In addition to my regular load, I have 4 new private students, 4 additional weekly music classes and 2 extra, full concert programs to learn.

I have a pile of music a mile high on the piano. Yesterday, I spent hours going through all the music for just one program. It only then occurred to me, that all of the music I'm signed up to play this year is new to me. Not one piece from my repertoire. Not only has that never happened, I'm playing much  more this year than any other year since I had children. And so I seriously have my work cut out for me.

I actually need to chart out a practice schedule. And I'll have to be quite organized in general, as a matter of stress prevention. I am excited, but nervous about producing great results with any one of the new and extra things. Wish me luck, I need it!

band rehearsal

By the time I came downstairs at 6:45, Jake's sax was parked in the mudroom, he was all dressed, had eaten breakfast and was reading on the porch. Amazing. There was time for him to make his own lunch, tidy up his room and just hang. Mom, he told me, I have band at 7:45. No way! The principal said school starts at 8:30am and no one should get there too early. No mom, really!! Are you sure? I think it's last period, these first weeks, right...?

Meanwhile, a text came in. Can Belac come to my house after school? Another kid, you've got to be kidding me! Belac, I called up, do you want to go to J's house afterschool? Sure!! was the answer. He'd love to! I replied.

We walked out of the house together at 8 and we parted ways at the short cut. I watched Jake try to pass off his heavy sax onto his brother and they couldn't get far. They were both laughing. By the time I got around the corner with the dog, I got a call.

Mom, I heard a restrained and emotional voice, band was at 7:45!!! I missed it! It did start early!!! I knew it!!!!

Ugh, I'm sorry. It was now 8:15, I saw. Next time you have to not listen to me... Listen, go into band. No! I'm not going!! Listen, go in. Even if the teacher is mad at first, he will appreciate seeing that you brought your sax and expected to rehearse. He'll see that you were thinking about band, this morning, cared about band, and remembered and was planning to be there. And you can blame it on me, ok? But go, show up, even if late. It will make a difference and he will appreciate it. Don't go and it will be like you don't care, which is not true. Show you care.

I absolutely love the band teacher, he is gregarious, a pusher and has the highest expectations of the kids. He also gets frustrated, yells and has no problems handing out lunch detentions for missing rehearsals and being late. And the band is just huge, over a hundred kids sitting there watching, his direct peers. It's hard to be 13 and not know what will happen when you open up that band door, 30 minutes late. But still, I hope Jake took a deep breath, opened the door and went in.

So far, so good

Hi Mom!! I heard Belac call as he emerged from the mudroom with his friend from class. How was school, you guys? Pretty good, was the concensus. I heard about home base. Who they each ate with at lunch, what they did at recess. Did your teacher give you those cookies? I asked Belac. I bought them for Belac, Conner explained. Wow! That was so nice of you! Belac, Conner exclaimed, let's go out and play! And they were off.

Meantime I got a call from Jake. Hey, mom! I'm coming home now! I heard. Great! Do you have everything? Well, you know that form you gave me this morning? I lost it between 1st and 2nd period. Why don't you go to the office and ask if it was turned in? And if not grab another form, ok? By the way, did you buy a lock? Oops, no, I will do that, too. Only thing is, what if they don't let me back in the school? Why wouldn't they? But good to try.

Now sitting at the table as Jake organizes his papers. Mom, I don't know what to do with these papers without holes in them. I showed him where the hole puncher is. That's what you can do, everyday you come home. And then you put them in the binder so nothing gets lost. I also need 3 more binders, he told me. Really?? we discussed it. And then we read and signed the class expectations sheets.

Now Jake off to read, having had just a little French homework. Belac and his friend building with Lego, from what I can hear, with plans to make a movie.

A good first day, from what I see.

First day of school

Came home after walking Belac to school and sat down with a coffee. And then, putting down my mug, I noticed Belac's untouched pill on the table. I glanced at my watch, it must already be 2nd period. Ugh. And so in the car I went and right to the nurse's office.

All the niceties as I ran into people and then Belac appeared. Oh yeah! he chuckled as I showed him the pill. Let's say thank you before we head out, ok? I kissed his cheek as I hugged him. How is your day going?

He was off to next period. The psychologist met him around the corner with his books and we exchanged quick hellos. Ready? she asked with a smile on her face, we are going now to room 213, she explained. So this is how it was going to be done, I could see. Someone was going to trail him between classes until he got into a routine.  And here was the psychologist who knows him well from a year of social skills class, not just an aide. Really ? Amazing he has her to help him.

Our school taxes are insane, the cost of a Westchester private school! But for Belac's education, in particular, it is worth every penny and more.

Day before school

Jake washed my car by hand this morning, to an audience of 2 young kids and their mom. Belac arrived home with his friend, who wanted to stay. Sent Jake to the library to get a new library card and to learn how to borrow books with his Kindle. The neighbors came by to play. There was building and ping pong and the longest game of sardines. Kicking around a ball. Kraft Mac and cheese for all and carrots and dip. Then a buddy's of Jake from school. Old fashioned play with 6 boys, the best.

And then you know what I heard? A child bragging about being in advanced math to another kid. He claimed a teacher tested him in math and he got the highest score ever, telling all that his mother said he was 1 percent of 1 percent.... Where did this come from? I got to watch everyone else's reactions, especially Jake's who was neither condescending nor particularly affected. I was proud of him. Then I heard about a 15 year old Sunny Patch girl taking her dad's car full of teenagers, resulting in the deaths of 3 boys. OMG.

It was just Jake and his buddy, at this point, a really great kid. We talked a lot about what just happened. I want you guys helping each other do the right thing, ok? It's tempting to want to be cool and popular and admired... This girl.... she has a heavy, heavy burden for the rest of her life! Some might even go so far as to say that her life is ruined. And for what? A fleeting moment to impress the others. You guys. You're both so sweet and smart and have so much potential to do good in this world. Help each other, okay?

You know what? I'm happy to be able to see and hear things, and that we have the kind of place people come to hang. Better that my kids are here than elsewhere. Of course that's no guarantee of anything, but I'm glad to be able to pay attention.

full social life

I want you to remember this, Belac. You have people who want to be with you and enjoy your company. I didn't have anyone asking me to town or for dinner and a sleepover at your age, and certainly not on the same day by two different people! You have some very good friends, and you are a very good friend to others.

Yeah, he told me as we walked with a backpack and sleeping bag to his friend's house, thanks mom!

Now don't forget to take your shoes off in the house and take care of your stuff... And at dinner, you can thank the mom, okay? For the nice dinner...? And text me if you need anything.

Tonight we were dinner for 3, and now followed by Colbert with popcorn, Jake's choice. It makes me so happy to know that Belac is with a friend. I mean, it's just amazing.

Small town living

Belac was invited to meet a friend for a hot dog. I put a bright red cap on him, made him change into shorts with pockets to carry his phone and money. I reminded him how to get to the restaurant. Went over the rules of crossing each street. And then off he was. I watched his little head bob up and down until I could see him no more.

'I'm there,' he just texted me. I looked at my watch, it was less than a 10 minute walk.

Me: Yay!!! Enjoy!! I love you. Behave yourself. Is Ethan there yet?

Belac: he is 2 minutes late.

Me: okay, well just look at the billboard and decide on your food or wait patiently, okay? I am so proud of you!!!

Hubby: by himself??? Does he have his cellphone?!

Hubby: okay, it's like walking to school, but with no crossing guard...

Me: he promised to look both ways. He just texted, he arrived. It's good!

I will be forever grateful for Sunny Patch's existence and for our extreme good fortune of living here.

Friendship

planted what I thought was ground cover from seed,

these tall flowers popped up instead

Easy dinner last night with Dot's family, and refreshingly so without the other family usually with us. They couldn't make it.

Lately, I find myself intolerant of those who too easily judge or push others down in order to feel better about themselves. And the truth is, over time, I have started having bad feelings about these people we've become friends with. What do they say behind our backs? My son's...? That's a rhetorical question, I don't want to know. But my point is, if you're truly friends, this isn't the kind of thing that should cross your mind.

Over the summer, Belac told me that there were only 2 friends he could always, always count on. The vivacious Izzy and outspoken Ethan, Dot's son. I thought about it, there was also serious potential with Lulu's son, a kid who is a little more introverted but not swayed by desires to be popular. That is 2 real friends, maybe more than a lot of people in this world have, I explained to Belac, 2 is amazing!

Why did your sister almost die?? I heard Belac ask at dinner. Wait, Belac exclaimed, Ethan was sick for TEN YEARS?? he asked Dot to clarify. He was taking comments at dinner so literally.  Mom, he asked at bedtime with Jake and Ethan milling around, do you think I hurt myself by taking such a hot bath? Like for my babies? Omg, I laughed, you don't need to worry about this now. You mean I will worry about it when I'm married and want a baby? Yes, I told him, you have to take care of yourself, of course, but right now you don't have to worry about it.

He is so caring and innocent, and someone who needs so much help figuring things out.... I haven't told anyone, but it was their son who got up and left Belac to eat his lunch alone when Belac found him in the lunch room. It was his father who proclaimed a colleague an ass for no other reason than having Asperger's. The mom, always comparing, even when in doing so, they always win. You know what? Belac would never leave a friend to eat by himself. Never. And I would never so easily dismiss a colleague over a simple diagnosis, especially if it was a potential dig to those around me. I have also ceased to care much about or be intimidated by appearances or status, valuing character and generosity so much more. Who, really, is better than whom? No one is. But the blatantly and blindly sitting on your high horse, general lack of compassion, it just drives me insane.