I got into a fight with my MIL at dinner. I yelled and I cried. Hubby and I took a walk in the snowy night and I cried some more. And before I went to bed she poked her head in the door and said, good night, Gimky. And still later, my FIL called to me from another floor, good night Gimky. What? They aren't going to bed in silence and ignoring my existence for the rest of vacay? Still wishing me well? It gave me pause. Weren't they mad at me? Hadnt I just ruined dinner because I couldn't let my MIL's comment go?
Then the next day, we still had more problems. I just can't take her sharp tongue. And I lost it and was crying. And I told her, my mother has disowned me and all of her children. Your kids can take anything from you, but I can't. Don't criticize me for it and make me feel bad about being sensitive and emotional, because I am!! So could you just be a little more careful with me?
She tried to hug me once and I resisted. And then she hugged me again and asked to start our vacay over. She called me her perfect daughter in law and someone she loves so much. That she appreciated how much I cared for everyone. And of course, I was crying. Had my own mother ever said such a nice thing to me?
Today the emails and messages continue about my parents, but I have largely kept my phone off and on only in controlled situations. It is a terrible situation with my mother. My sisters have not been in touch with my parents and my nieces have not seen their grandparents in almost 2 weeks during what is supposed to be family time. I called and facetimed several times to no response from my parents.
There's not much I can do about it. My parents are willing to let our family go to pot over my mom's vengeance. I don't know what will happen with my cousins, how much more they can endure from my mom. I only hope that my sisters and I will remain, first and foremost, intact through this all.
Now to be with my kiddies and hubby, and his family. My mother was never supposed to repeat history of a family destroyed, and yet it happened. She doesn't speak to her siblings, and now she has cut herself off from her children and grandchildren, and my father is being dragged down this path, even if he does not fully agree. May we never, ever repeat history in this generation. Never.
Never.
Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
To Ottawa
We hiked miles yesterday at Rockefeller on a gorgeous 65 degree day. Had dinner with friends, then walked all over visiting the seasonal tourist traps, having taken the train in. We saw the tree after dinner, admired the light show at Macy's, roamed Times Square and the Marriott Marquis over a scoop of ice cream.... It was crowded. Hubby and Jake linked arms, and Belac held my hand. Several times, Belac went to take hubby's hand, too, and then it was the 4 of us walking like this with Belac looking up at each of us, head turning side to side. I felt such gratitude for these moments. We also missed our train coming home and so it got late, and even then we had to walk home from the station. Still, an amazing, happy family day.
Now off to see hubby's uncle for the rest of the week end, bearing devices to make using technology easier. He is still a quadriplegic after 3 months of coming down with a very severe Guillian Barre. He is in full out depression, understandably, as his prognosis is unknown and there is fear he may forever exist in this state. I am a little concerned about how to be to best help him. With FaceTime, I have mostly just listened and said little.
Scrambling to get out in 90 minutes and then off to Ottawa we go.
Friday, December 25, 2015
5'9"
Everyone has been asking how tall he is, lately. None of us had a clue. So we measured him. Jake is 5'9". How is that even possible? It was just yesterday, he had these pudgy cheeks, a high squeaky voice, and the cutest belly laugh. I don't know how it happened that he got so old and big. I made pizzas, again, this morning. And then he poured himself 2 huge glasses of milk and then pulled out half a chicken, left over from last night, and licked the bones clean.
How is it that you have such a tall boy? Our friends asked, last night, who hadn't seen him in years. Well, I explained, on my side of the family, the men are all 6 feet tall, both more and less by a few inches. Your Asian family? Yes. Jake is 14 years old, I realized, he's still growing, obviously, and will probably be pretty tall.
Now he's showering. Suddenly, he's so good about hygiene. I wonder if he has a crush on someone.... After a hike and packing for Canada, we are going into the city to join my childhood friend and her family for dinner. Their annual Christmas tradition is to go to the Peking Duck House. Her daughter and Jake are just weeks apart in age and seeing them together is surreal, too. I have troubles reconciling what I'm seeing to where we were, not long ago. She is a fully developed woman, let's just put it that way. And you know, he's nice and funny, and not a bad looking kid, himself.
Embrace everyday! These are the best days and they are passing fast.
How is it that you have such a tall boy? Our friends asked, last night, who hadn't seen him in years. Well, I explained, on my side of the family, the men are all 6 feet tall, both more and less by a few inches. Your Asian family? Yes. Jake is 14 years old, I realized, he's still growing, obviously, and will probably be pretty tall.
Now he's showering. Suddenly, he's so good about hygiene. I wonder if he has a crush on someone.... After a hike and packing for Canada, we are going into the city to join my childhood friend and her family for dinner. Their annual Christmas tradition is to go to the Peking Duck House. Her daughter and Jake are just weeks apart in age and seeing them together is surreal, too. I have troubles reconciling what I'm seeing to where we were, not long ago. She is a fully developed woman, let's just put it that way. And you know, he's nice and funny, and not a bad looking kid, himself.
Embrace everyday! These are the best days and they are passing fast.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
being mom to my mom
to little sis
Did Big Sis really accuse my mom of ruining her life? I seriously doubt it. Did I ever tell my mom that she is the source of unhappiness in this family? No. I have asked her repeatedly to please look on the bright side, though.
When I read my mom's letters, I see a lot of regret over our relationships. Embarrassment for her English skills and lack of an education. But instead of internalizing the situation or ever feeling empowered to do something about any of this or admitting to feeling this way on her own, she is solely focused on other's supposed demeaning perceptions of her and the elaborations of events that come from feeling insecure. And it's a vicious circle, she must recognize how we are all so careful around her and walking on egg shells, while constantly looking past her crazy behavior, and I'm sure she finds it demeaning, too, that her children are not getting riled up as they once did as children or even younger adults.
If I let myself lose control, I'd ask why she didn't let us put up a Christmas tree every year. Refuse to open up presents given and made for her. Slam doors on us and go into hiding for unexplained reasons. Not express any affection. What did she ever do to instill closeness with us? SHE is the mother, who should have been the example. Who actually ruined whose life? And yet despite it all, none of my sisters could ever say that my mother or ANYONE ruined our lives, hard as our upbringings may have been in some basic ways. And that is because we didn't roll over and accept this as our own fate, we went off to educate ourselves and try to do better with our own husbands and children. We have all tried actively to make sense of my mom.
My mom refuses to take control of her life. My mom is unable to take responsibility for her happiness. And her reality has become more and more skewed and unreliable. If you read about Borderline Personality Disorder, it is her. To the tee. But unfortunately, it's not gotten easier and in many ways, as she ages, it's gotten worse.
It is hard not to lash back, but none of us can or should. It will just make things worse and prolong her current rage. My mother is not just difficult and temperamental, she is mentally unwell. Mentally ill, there I said it. Knowing that, admitting that, it will be easier for us to not take what she says and does personally. She can't help herself and there is no changing her. And there is certainly no feeling sorry for ourselves, either. The show must go on.
words
I know most people don't have a choice and have to work. But I also think that everyone, all moms, should have some work or activity that has nothing to do with their family. It gives perspective. You aren't sinking just everything into your kids, all who - even the best ones - test one's patience and take you for granted now and again.
My mom should have worked out of the house for so many reasons. And you know? Maybe. Maybe if she had just told us she loved us, it would have been easier for her to feel it, herself. She could have influenced a certain interaction. Maybe if she wrote us a card now and again and wished us well and modeled a certain behavior, things would not have come to this.
Hubby, quite frankly, is in total admiration of my sisters and cousins. He views us as a class act. This kind of behavior from your mom, it's amazing, hubby explained, it is what rips families apart. That no matter what she says or does, everyone always says they are leaving the door open for her and tries to understand. I mean, it's amazing. No one else would do this. Your mom is so lucky, she has no idea!
pizza for breakfast
All up after 9, unheard of for us.
Low on a lot of groceries, as we will be leaving for Canada on Saturday. So eyeing the cheese that needed using up, I decided to make pizza for breakfast topped with slim pickings from the fridge. Found a quick, little-rise dough recipe that was actually quite delish. There wasn't a bite left and amazing how Belac ate half a pizza. What a low cost, easy to make meal with ingredients I always have! Makes me think twice about stocking up on the frozen stuff.
Every one assigned rooms to clean for an hour. Now getting dressed and heading out for the day.
Looking forward to ending the day with friends coming over.
Walk home
Jake and hubby
Walked home from the Zs with kids and dog after having wine and wine with dinner. We left the car and walked the mile home on this foggy first night of vacay. Kids made sugar cookies and played video games upstairs. We all chatted and lost track of time. And this is how I found out that Belac made the 'Honorable Mention' Roll? What...? Yes, Belac's name was there, so was Ethan and Ian's. Wow! That is incredible. Whereas their son had made the honor roll, as usual, and the others had 'slipped' to Honorable Mention, here was Belac. Never on any roll and always struggling to keep up. He was on this list?? Are you sure?? No one told me.
Tonight after arriving home, I remembered to tell Belac, you know what I found out about you? Hubby looked at me and told me it was 12:30am, anticipating some big discussion. Belac cried 'oh no! What did I do??' You know what I found out about you? I found out you are on the Honorable Mention list! Wait, what? Yes. Good for you for working so hard!!! I'm so proud of you. Oh, Thanks Mom.
Good job!
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
dear Sue
Dear Sue,
I am writing to wish you a wonderful Christmas and all things good in 2016! It looked like a great trip to Taiwan and we are grateful that you were there with my mom.
I know you are very close to my mom and so I also wanted to write you privately about my concerns and ask if you could reach out to my mom.
My mom has in recent days disowned all of her daughters and cousins. She is very angry at all of us and feels unloved and unsupported. As you know, she has a naturally strong temperament. :) However, more recently I am more and more concerned about her emotional well being and how she has isolated herself from everyone who loves her. She is letting this situation destroy her family and is sending terrible emails to her children and cousins. Of course, growing up there were always fights, but what is happening now is different. Obviously she is in a lot pain and has a lot of regrets, but I am worried that she is emotionally unraveling and unable to reason clearly and exercise good judgment. My father will not admit it and protects my mom, saying she is just emotional, but the situation is very bad and her behavior is much more extreme and angry than usual.
Sue, my mom has 3 happy, successful daughters and 3 cousins she raised. We are all pretty much good kids who love her. We are all trying to be patient and show her love, but she cannot see it. We hoped that by going to Taiwan and getting the facts, she could have more peace. Even if she knew my uncle had stolen from her, at least she could know for sure. But it seems to have made things worse. My dad is 78 years old and she is physically also not well. We all told her we don't care about the money, just spend time with us and the grandkids. We all have enough money and we don't want to waste any more valuable time fighting this. Unfortunately, she takes this as not supporting her.
So I guess what I'm asking is if you can call her and say hello. Please don't tell her I wrote you, it will cause problems. But I think my mom needs a friend and someone to talk to because she has no one but my dad.
Thanks for being kind to my mom. She really values her relationship with you.
Love,
Gimky
I am writing to wish you a wonderful Christmas and all things good in 2016! It looked like a great trip to Taiwan and we are grateful that you were there with my mom.
I know you are very close to my mom and so I also wanted to write you privately about my concerns and ask if you could reach out to my mom.
My mom has in recent days disowned all of her daughters and cousins. She is very angry at all of us and feels unloved and unsupported. As you know, she has a naturally strong temperament. :) However, more recently I am more and more concerned about her emotional well being and how she has isolated herself from everyone who loves her. She is letting this situation destroy her family and is sending terrible emails to her children and cousins. Of course, growing up there were always fights, but what is happening now is different. Obviously she is in a lot pain and has a lot of regrets, but I am worried that she is emotionally unraveling and unable to reason clearly and exercise good judgment. My father will not admit it and protects my mom, saying she is just emotional, but the situation is very bad and her behavior is much more extreme and angry than usual.
Sue, my mom has 3 happy, successful daughters and 3 cousins she raised. We are all pretty much good kids who love her. We are all trying to be patient and show her love, but she cannot see it. We hoped that by going to Taiwan and getting the facts, she could have more peace. Even if she knew my uncle had stolen from her, at least she could know for sure. But it seems to have made things worse. My dad is 78 years old and she is physically also not well. We all told her we don't care about the money, just spend time with us and the grandkids. We all have enough money and we don't want to waste any more valuable time fighting this. Unfortunately, she takes this as not supporting her.
So I guess what I'm asking is if you can call her and say hello. Please don't tell her I wrote you, it will cause problems. But I think my mom needs a friend and someone to talk to because she has no one but my dad.
Thanks for being kind to my mom. She really values her relationship with you.
Love,
Gimky
Merry Christmas!
To my sisters and cousins,
Wishing everyone a joyous and peaceful holiday and safe, stress free travels.
As I reflect on what has happened to our parents, I feel gratitude that we are all on the same page. I think keeping it neutral and not providing any fuel or information to either set of parents is very important. Along with not getting emotionally drawn into my mother's letters. Better to just remain supportive and understanding at a distance, I believe, hard as that may be at times!
Take care and all the best to each of you - love and happiness - in 2016!
xx Gimky
Wishing everyone a joyous and peaceful holiday and safe, stress free travels.
As I reflect on what has happened to our parents, I feel gratitude that we are all on the same page. I think keeping it neutral and not providing any fuel or information to either set of parents is very important. Along with not getting emotionally drawn into my mother's letters. Better to just remain supportive and understanding at a distance, I believe, hard as that may be at times!
Take care and all the best to each of you - love and happiness - in 2016!
xx Gimky
when I die
This is what Mom sent to me. She sent it to me twice, just in case I didn't get the first one apparently. Big Sister
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 2015 11:17:36 -0500
Subject: Don't worry when I die I will never for your help
From: mom
To: Big sister
I never ask any one of your help.
--
Sent from Gmail Mobile
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 2015 11:17:36 -0500
Subject: Don't worry when I die I will never for your help
From: mom
To: Big sister
I never ask any one of your help.
Since your college year when you told me I destroyed your life, I knew I lost you already, & never put the hope on you to see me as your mom, friends, & other. From there on i have to adjust myself not to react your coldness & bad attitudes to me. But the base line I did what every mom should do to taking care of what mom should do.
So don't worry I lost you long time ago not just now. Sorry dad say that to you because he still can not believe what I try to explained to him about you.
, I am kind of happy to know he still put the hope on you, just hope he won't take same kind of bad medicine like I did.
Also Vivian say that I am the one always make this family very unhappy, and told Jessica I am very ueducate person, don't worry about me they can keep talking because I will not understand & all three of them are laugh about my mistake, that night I pack & walkout from their home that night. All of you tx each other laugh about my way of talking & doing things & embarrassing all of you, & amount other. I did take all in. I do my job try to help dad to have time with all of you, as for dad I will do anythings for him even if I have to paid the high price tag, I have to looking away from all of your coldness to me because that was for dad not for me or you or other.
I know what kind of thing are getting from all of you
took me long time to adjust my life. Like I told dad it's okay with long as he's enjoy the time with all of you.
I wasn't planning to write this to you but since you email back what you told me, you open the door this is my answer but to you.
I can taking care of myself even when I am sick or before I die I will never ask your help, because I know you will never give me your hand, because I am the one destroyed your life right?
--
Sent from Gmail Mobile
scores
my comments on a screening
Hour long conference call with school psychologist, special ed teacher, hubby and me. They wanted to discuss findings of Belac's testing. The psychologist was particularly 'fascinated.' That in several tests he was in the top 99% of his peers, even scoring 100% on at least one test. They had never seen this in her 17 years at the school. Even called in some supervisor to discuss Belac's test results and what it meant. These scores were not really supposed to be possible. Also, interestingly, that in several tests, including that of processing, he was in the bottom 2% of his peers. The span of these scores is breath takingly extreme, but none of it was particularly surprising though I found the numbers interesting.
Covered social and emotional. Belac also provided his own answers for his own screening. It made me emotional to hear some of his answers. He is very aware of his differences and feels left out.
He's in the clinical at risk range for anxiety and depression. Again, nothing I don't know. But I also take it with the grain of salt, knowing that we talk a lot about his feelings and so he has a lot of literacy and self-awareness in this area that would be acknowledged and disclosed freely in testing. On top of which, middle school is already hard for the neurotypical kid. Still, his emotional struggles with self acceptance are very real and palpable.
All generally good, though. He has great strengths to build on and has the capacity to learn. And in crucial social/emotional ways, as bolstered by new theory of mind testing, his results came in average and above average for the first time ever. Theory of mind is crucial to his ability to build meaningful relationships, even if it does suck, right now, to emerge into a new awareness about oneself.
Academic supports matter. The bonds of family matter. Not giving up matters. Belac's improvement is testament to all of these things. I am so proud of him.
bad thoughts
You don't think my mom would ever, like, harm herself, do you...?
Well, it's hard to know what to put past her.
Silence.
But if your dad is with her, hubby continued, no, for his sake I don't think she'd do anything.
Silence.
Now, if she survives your dad, well, that is something else.
More silence.
You don't think that my dad would do anything, do you? (Like the two of them, together, I couldn't bring myself to say.)
Your dad? No. Not your dad.
Well, it's hard to know what to put past her.
Silence.
But if your dad is with her, hubby continued, no, for his sake I don't think she'd do anything.
Silence.
Now, if she survives your dad, well, that is something else.
More silence.
You don't think that my dad would do anything, do you? (Like the two of them, together, I couldn't bring myself to say.)
Your dad? No. Not your dad.
remaining calm
Of course, she will either not respond or she will reply, but just to say to get out of her life. And if I texted her, right now, I would be subject to the same uncontrollable rage she spewed all over little sister. But someone has to remain above the fray and in contact, or they won't have anyone to reach out to when it gets to that point. And it will get to that point, unfortunately.
Little sister predicts that it will be some medical crisis a month or 6 months down the line that will get us talking again. Force my mother to talk to us. And it's true, that will be what it takes. And it will happen, of course, my mother has half a dozen medical ailments and has had surgery almost every year for the past 7 or so. We will talk again and probably even go on vacation to Northern Michigan in August, again. But how terribly do the days need to pass to get there?
I looked at flights. It's $1150 dollars to go there over night and spend not enough waking hours there before needing to return the next day. I felt the need to go there and calm things down and to see for myself, what is happening to my mom. And my dad. Little sister, nearby, is at wits end and understandably keeping her distance and Big sister, far away, is silent and obeying my mom's wishes. And in a couple of days it will be Christmas. Not my holiday and not really my parents' either, but when the whole world shuts down over Christmas, it's not good that my parents are all alone. Especially with my mom so out of control and emotionally unstable.
Ugh. So what can I do? But offer up some daily, calming letters...? Olive branches of distraction and kindness, even as she unleashes astonishingly vitriolic wrath to the few remaining people who not only know her, but are still willing to endure and care for her? But it is still not enough, whatever we do. It will never be enough.
Little sister predicts that it will be some medical crisis a month or 6 months down the line that will get us talking again. Force my mother to talk to us. And it's true, that will be what it takes. And it will happen, of course, my mother has half a dozen medical ailments and has had surgery almost every year for the past 7 or so. We will talk again and probably even go on vacation to Northern Michigan in August, again. But how terribly do the days need to pass to get there?
I looked at flights. It's $1150 dollars to go there over night and spend not enough waking hours there before needing to return the next day. I felt the need to go there and calm things down and to see for myself, what is happening to my mom. And my dad. Little sister, nearby, is at wits end and understandably keeping her distance and Big sister, far away, is silent and obeying my mom's wishes. And in a couple of days it will be Christmas. Not my holiday and not really my parents' either, but when the whole world shuts down over Christmas, it's not good that my parents are all alone. Especially with my mom so out of control and emotionally unstable.
Ugh. So what can I do? But offer up some daily, calming letters...? Olive branches of distraction and kindness, even as she unleashes astonishingly vitriolic wrath to the few remaining people who not only know her, but are still willing to endure and care for her? But it is still not enough, whatever we do. It will never be enough.
Christmas Gift
TO: Dad, Mom
BCC: Little Sis, Big Sis
Today at 8:46AM
Just tracked your birthday/Christmas gift and it is set to arrive on Sunday, so keep your eyes out for a box on your doorstep. Hopefully you will find your matching gifts useful and interesting!
Jake really loves the new watch, thank you! He wears it everyday. Belac likes his, too, but is waiting to wear it for when he understands all of the functions. Very nice, though. Hubby has a Casio, too, so they are triplets.
Last night we saw Star Wars, it was awesome! But also a little sad to see all the big stars as seniors. After all, the first Star Wars movie came out in 1977, almost 40 years ago! I highly recommend the movie, if even just for nostalgia purposes. Everyone hooted and clapped every time one of the original characters appeared.
As for everything else. I want to stress to both of you, that your daughters love you very much. Please let us know what we can do to help you and how to make that more clear. We love you and support you. Also know, that we hope to make the best of our limited time together and that family is very important to us. We hope you can also express your love and support to us, your daughters. We also need your love and compassion.
Wishing you peace and understanding.
love,
Gimky
Maybe not
The kids hear hubby and me talk all of the time, though we try to be very diplomatic in front of the kids. 'I have a question,' Jake said at breakfast, 'is Nana mentally healthy?'
I was taken aback and couldn't answer. Maybe not, replied Hubby.
I was taken aback and couldn't answer. Maybe not, replied Hubby.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
The force!
The Star Wars movie was awesome tonight. Kids now have to go to bed after Jake signs some Christmas cards. He chose 4 special teachers to acknowledge, next to Belac's necessary 9.
The first Star Wars movie was in 1977. The lead of this sequel was born in --- 1992! When I graduated COLLEGE. It was kind of emotional to see all of the old characters, all grown up. Everyone in the audience hooted and clapped at the appearance of each one.
It's wild. Time is flying. And you know, my parents are getting older. I don't want regrets when they are gone and I don't want to be estranged from them.
I will keep trying.
Vow
Well, I've had my full of enough drama in the past week. And now I am getting on the damn treadmill.
My mom is repeating what others did to her and I vow I will never do this.
I will never disown my children.
I will never be a victim and try not to make excuses.
I will never stop trying to live a good life.
I will never lay in bed all day.
I may get a bit soft, but I'm also not going to get fat. I aim to be strong and always a doer.
Getting on that treadmill and running the 2-1/2 miles, dammit.
My mom is repeating what others did to her and I vow I will never do this.
I will never disown my children.
I will never be a victim and try not to make excuses.
I will never stop trying to live a good life.
I will never lay in bed all day.
I may get a bit soft, but I'm also not going to get fat. I aim to be strong and always a doer.
Getting on that treadmill and running the 2-1/2 miles, dammit.
details
Sent out my last invoices of the year at $1600. We need the checks sitting in the mailbox after the new year and more bills come. This is the time of year where we are typically lowest on cash until bonus time in March. Usually we are not so tight, though, and lost our usual cushion with the furniture we purchased. It's okay, but we have to be careful. In the meantime, every night, hubby and I sit in front of the fire in these wonderfully cushy arm chairs facing each other, chatting with my feet in his lap after playing a little Brahms together, our new project.
If I can think of my mother as my child, I think we will be better off. She didn't mean any of her letter and is deluding herself if she believes that her friends will give her the support she needs. What is concerning is just how emotional my father was on the phone, so declarative and almost crying, fighting for my mom and saying the same things over and over again.
Dad, I told him gently, none of us want the money.
You can't say that!! It's for the kids!!
But at what expense? How many years left do you have and do you want to be spending valuable time fighting this?
He told me how unloved she felt and how no one cares. What do you want us to do? Have you read the last email? And I couldn't believe - and didn't say - how dismayed I was that my dad had added to her note. What do you want us to actually do? I pressed over and over again.
I asked about the certified letter in January that he wouldn't initially acknowledge until I forced him to. And with that, I knew that he knows and still has a foot in this world. But then he said the oddest thing to me. "If you like your mom, you will go to UC and tell him he can't do this and face up to what he did. He stole!! If you like your mom, you will do this."
If I "like" my mom? Was he talking to me? Or was this whole conversation really a show to my mother, presumably listening in?
But there was truth, plain and bare. She wanted us to get involved and fight and as long as we didn't, we didn't care. Dad, if that's what she really wants, she needs to sit down and answer all of my questions. She needs to show me what she has from the lawyer and show me the evidence. She needs to talk to me!
And now I was talking to no one. He had hung up on me.
If I can think of my mother as my child, I think we will be better off. She didn't mean any of her letter and is deluding herself if she believes that her friends will give her the support she needs. What is concerning is just how emotional my father was on the phone, so declarative and almost crying, fighting for my mom and saying the same things over and over again.
Dad, I told him gently, none of us want the money.
You can't say that!! It's for the kids!!
But at what expense? How many years left do you have and do you want to be spending valuable time fighting this?
He told me how unloved she felt and how no one cares. What do you want us to do? Have you read the last email? And I couldn't believe - and didn't say - how dismayed I was that my dad had added to her note. What do you want us to actually do? I pressed over and over again.
I asked about the certified letter in January that he wouldn't initially acknowledge until I forced him to. And with that, I knew that he knows and still has a foot in this world. But then he said the oddest thing to me. "If you like your mom, you will go to UC and tell him he can't do this and face up to what he did. He stole!! If you like your mom, you will do this."
If I "like" my mom? Was he talking to me? Or was this whole conversation really a show to my mother, presumably listening in?
But there was truth, plain and bare. She wanted us to get involved and fight and as long as we didn't, we didn't care. Dad, if that's what she really wants, she needs to sit down and answer all of my questions. She needs to show me what she has from the lawyer and show me the evidence. She needs to talk to me!
And now I was talking to no one. He had hung up on me.
stat
Spent the last hour on the phone with Dot, who was sobbing on the phone. I texted hubby. Could we take him to Canada and give the two of them a break from each other?
And then heard from sister. My parents were supposed to babysit her kids, today, but in light of the recent email, her hubby is home with them. The shit has really hit the fan. My mom could always say and do anything and they'd always bring the kids over. They both work full time and always need help with the kids. And so I am pretty shocked that it has come to this, that they are keeping their kids away and are now scrambling for other childcare this week.
In my pjs. Time to clean the messy house and get control of the laundry. Grateful for these past few days and being off til January.
And then heard from sister. My parents were supposed to babysit her kids, today, but in light of the recent email, her hubby is home with them. The shit has really hit the fan. My mom could always say and do anything and they'd always bring the kids over. They both work full time and always need help with the kids. And so I am pretty shocked that it has come to this, that they are keeping their kids away and are now scrambling for other childcare this week.
In my pjs. Time to clean the messy house and get control of the laundry. Grateful for these past few days and being off til January.
PS
TO: Mom
SUBJECT: PS
Today at 8AM
Curse the darkness or light a candle.
It is up to you, it is your choice.
SUBJECT: PS
Today at 8AM
Curse the darkness or light a candle.
It is up to you, it is your choice.
my response
TO: Mom
BCC: Little Sis, Older Sis
SUBJECT: Re: Last email
Today at 7:55AM
Love your children, that's all they want from you.
Your letters are filled with so much hate and anger. What do you want us to do? Every time I call, dad hangs up on me or you hang up on me. I don't know how I can make it better.
If this is what you really want, we will give you space. If you want to ever talk to us, you can always call. We will wait until you are ready.
We just want you to be happy and love you very much.
Vivian
BCC: Little Sis, Older Sis
SUBJECT: Re: Last email
Today at 7:55AM
Love your children, that's all they want from you.
Your letters are filled with so much hate and anger. What do you want us to do? Every time I call, dad hangs up on me or you hang up on me. I don't know how I can make it better.
If this is what you really want, we will give you space. If you want to ever talk to us, you can always call. We will wait until you are ready.
We just want you to be happy and love you very much.
Vivian
cousins response
TO: Akoko
CC: Little Sis, Mid Sis, Big Sis, Cousin 2, Cousin 3
SUBJECT: Re: Last Email
Today at 7:34AM:
Dear Akoko and Kotuin:
CC: Little Sis, Mid Sis, Big Sis, Cousin 2, Cousin 3
SUBJECT: Re: Last Email
Today at 7:34AM:
Dear Akoko and Kotuin:
It greatly saddens me to read your last email. During a time of year when families are coming together, ours seems to be growing apart. While I respect your opinions on the matter between you and my parents, I cannot choose sides and will remain neutral in this matter. I hope this was conveyed in my last email. All of your recent correspondence to my siblings and I via email or voicemail have been made in order to say something negative about my parents. Because that has been the purpose of your correspondence, you have received minimal replies. This is because it has become apparent that you no longer want to talk to us as 3, 2, and 1. You want to send my parents a message through us, and in so doing, have alientated the very people that could mend the rift between both parties.
I cannot even imagine the hurt that you are going through, but I can understand why you want to distance yourself from this. When you feel ready to speak to us again as 3, 2 and 1, the kids that you raised so well, and the kids that love you immensely, please let us know. We love you.
#1
Monday, December 21, 2015
Last email
And with this, I'm going to bed.
Last Email
December 22, 2015 at 10:06 PM
This note going to be sweet & short.
After long time of thinking & other factor I had decided I am going to walk out from this family, because of my actions from deep of my heart I know you will be more happier without me. what ever the name you going to call it's fine I don't care any more. I am not expecting any thing from you & you will not get anything from me. What ever done is done YES, I have lost everything including my whole life, but luckily I still have my friends to support me. I have enough for MY problems. I need to get out.
Please don't call my cell phone or write email or tx, please take my name off from all your communication, I don't want to know all your conversation.
If you need to contact your dad please call house phone or his office from now on.
K
Ps: I have read mom' writing and I am very sad that she has not gotten the respect from siblings and kids. I can see she is extremely lonely and wish care from the family. We shall respect her right and feeling. All things started from from Calvin and Ellie's dishonesty betraying their beloved sister. The issue can only be solve by them. Now we have the evident to prove their dishonesty. Mom only wish they will come forward to explain the whole wrong things they have done instead of escaping and avoiding the issue. We shall respect her right to request that. We shall give her spiritual support, after all this is not entirely for herself but for the entire family. Sincerely from dad.
Sent from my iPhone
Last Email
December 22, 2015 at 10:06 PM
This note going to be sweet & short.
After long time of thinking & other factor I had decided I am going to walk out from this family, because of my actions from deep of my heart I know you will be more happier without me. what ever the name you going to call it's fine I don't care any more. I am not expecting any thing from you & you will not get anything from me. What ever done is done YES, I have lost everything including my whole life, but luckily I still have my friends to support me. I have enough for MY problems. I need to get out.
Please don't call my cell phone or write email or tx, please take my name off from all your communication, I don't want to know all your conversation.
If you need to contact your dad please call house phone or his office from now on.
K
Ps: I have read mom' writing and I am very sad that she has not gotten the respect from siblings and kids. I can see she is extremely lonely and wish care from the family. We shall respect her right and feeling. All things started from from Calvin and Ellie's dishonesty betraying their beloved sister. The issue can only be solve by them. Now we have the evident to prove their dishonesty. Mom only wish they will come forward to explain the whole wrong things they have done instead of escaping and avoiding the issue. We shall respect her right to request that. We shall give her spiritual support, after all this is not entirely for herself but for the entire family. Sincerely from dad.
Sent from my iPhone
calling
You talk to your parents... everyday?
On your ride home from work?
Do you call or does your mom call?
As I snuggled down by the fire, remembering Olivia as my role model, I dialed my parents phone number.
Hello? came a happy voice.
Hi mom, it's me!
Who?
Me, Gimky.
Oh, where are you? It says you're calling from California!
No, I'm home. How are you?
Wait a sec.... And then my dad was on the line.
We talked a while. And then he wished me happy New Year. Oh, we will talk before then! I told him, okay, so say hi to mom for me.
Okay, I will.
It's a little weird. A little awkward. But I'm going to try to call more often and more regularly.
On your ride home from work?
Do you call or does your mom call?
As I snuggled down by the fire, remembering Olivia as my role model, I dialed my parents phone number.
Hello? came a happy voice.
Hi mom, it's me!
Who?
Me, Gimky.
Oh, where are you? It says you're calling from California!
No, I'm home. How are you?
Wait a sec.... And then my dad was on the line.
We talked a while. And then he wished me happy New Year. Oh, we will talk before then! I told him, okay, so say hi to mom for me.
Okay, I will.
It's a little weird. A little awkward. But I'm going to try to call more often and more regularly.
Blood
I didn't tell him about 'getting pinched' until we arrived at the lab. He knew about the bone scan, but not about the 7 vials of blood needed until we were In the waiting room. The crying began, the pleas to come back another day. I was reassuring him, admitting it sucked and it would hurt a little, but we'd get it done quick.
By the time he was sitting on my lap and had his arm outstretched, it was too late to take off my jacket. I was boiling. I also should have had some juice on me, I realized. I didn't look but listened to him weep a little as it took longer than usual. I mean, he's so little and that's 7 vials! You're doing great, I kept telling him as I pat his back.
By the time I got up and began walking, I knew enough to not try to walk all the way to the waiting room. I was light headed. I sat down on a chair in the hall and put my head between my legs. Uh, mom? are you okay? A nurse asked, are you okay? Yeah, I said, just a little hot and light headed. Belac held my hand. Someone went to ask about a bed. Oh, no, it's okay, I reassured them, but if you have a little juice? That would be great.
I wonder if we are going to have any complications with coverage after we change insurance in March and then switch to Cobra in summer....
We've all come a long way.
By the time he was sitting on my lap and had his arm outstretched, it was too late to take off my jacket. I was boiling. I also should have had some juice on me, I realized. I didn't look but listened to him weep a little as it took longer than usual. I mean, he's so little and that's 7 vials! You're doing great, I kept telling him as I pat his back.
By the time I got up and began walking, I knew enough to not try to walk all the way to the waiting room. I was light headed. I sat down on a chair in the hall and put my head between my legs. Uh, mom? are you okay? A nurse asked, are you okay? Yeah, I said, just a little hot and light headed. Belac held my hand. Someone went to ask about a bed. Oh, no, it's okay, I reassured them, but if you have a little juice? That would be great.
I wonder if we are going to have any complications with coverage after we change insurance in March and then switch to Cobra in summer....
We've all come a long way.
air
The machine had come, the thing that forces air into your nose. For two nights, she hasn't heard him snore. And the change in his daytime demeanor has been remarkable. Gimky, I mean, he was trying to play my violin, last night, a piece I taught him before we were married, and I thought, who is this person? There's a person under there! A piece, on your violin? Yes, a piece I taught him before we were married. And it's just depressing in a way. I mean what if it's just been exhaustion? The exhaustion of waking up 45 times an hour? Your blood pressure goes up, your metabolism goes down, your hormones make it impossible to lose weight, and a certain depressive state prevails all of the time. I mean, it's been 6, maybe 7 years we haven't been in the same bed, like he's been robotic and completely inattentive....
Olivia...! I could only look at her, quiet. I had no idea.
Can I have a kleenex please? was all she could say before she began crying.
I say if he's not snoring tonight, you hop into bed with him!
Well, let's not get too excited, tomorrow morning I have an early rehearsal, she quipped.
Okay, but I am hopeful. There is definitely hope.
Olivia...! I could only look at her, quiet. I had no idea.
Can I have a kleenex please? was all she could say before she began crying.
I say if he's not snoring tonight, you hop into bed with him!
Well, let's not get too excited, tomorrow morning I have an early rehearsal, she quipped.
Okay, but I am hopeful. There is definitely hope.
sex
We used to walk down the streets of NYC, together, and she got whistled at all of the time. This tall, thin, redheaded beauty was a head turner. How could they not have been in the same bedroom for years? Even if over severe sleep apnea, initially, how could they have let this go on and on without some intervention? Had I known, I would have said something years ago in a big sisterly kind of way. We had thrown her a bridal party and everyone had brought lingerie and some pretty crazy outfits for her. Throw something on, I told her, dismissing the problem as easily solvable. She so obviously has the goods. You want to know what my hubby wanted on our wedding night? Here I am all dressed up and ready! And what does he say to me? Oh, god. Did I want to know? Oh no... He told me he was too tired, Gimky. Too tired.
He has to be gay, then. How could this be??
This was at lunch weeks ago. I was speechless and continued eating. This was terrible!
Well, how often are YOU having sex?
Me?? I swallowed hard, we didn't have the same problem. We had had sex twice on our wedding day, I didn't say. Uh...
WHAT...? OH MY GOD, she was laughing hysterically and repeating over and over and wiping her eyes, I could only wish!!! You're so lucky, Gimky! Well, I was laughing, too, but I could use a little less if you want to know the truth.... And just think, Gimky, she continued after recovering, it's not even about the sex. It's like when you're drifting off to sleep and the closeness you must share, those gentle and intimate exchanges. We don't have that....
Has she told him he needs to drop the 40 lbs. he's put on since marriage? Have surgery for the apnea? If he knew his wife was in this kind of turmoil, would he be more inclined to do something about what's happening? And really it's not about the weight or even the sleeping, honestly, it's the lack of affection and softness and attention between them. They can't go on like this.
He has to be gay, then. How could this be??
This was at lunch weeks ago. I was speechless and continued eating. This was terrible!
Well, how often are YOU having sex?
Me?? I swallowed hard, we didn't have the same problem. We had had sex twice on our wedding day, I didn't say. Uh...
WHAT...? OH MY GOD, she was laughing hysterically and repeating over and over and wiping her eyes, I could only wish!!! You're so lucky, Gimky! Well, I was laughing, too, but I could use a little less if you want to know the truth.... And just think, Gimky, she continued after recovering, it's not even about the sex. It's like when you're drifting off to sleep and the closeness you must share, those gentle and intimate exchanges. We don't have that....
Has she told him he needs to drop the 40 lbs. he's put on since marriage? Have surgery for the apnea? If he knew his wife was in this kind of turmoil, would he be more inclined to do something about what's happening? And really it's not about the weight or even the sleeping, honestly, it's the lack of affection and softness and attention between them. They can't go on like this.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Money
My parents are going to ruin the rest of their lives, particularly my mom, seeking justice over my grandparents' will. I know my dad doesn't care either, but he has been sucked into this by my mom.
None of us are millionaires. We have to WORK. But my parents are fiscally responsible and have enough money to live out the rest of their lives extremely well. My sisters and I have all made it clear, we do not want money from my mother's family. Not a penny. We want to remain close to my cousins. We don't want to fight this or waste precious time.
I love my mom. I do. You know who I learned to volunteer from? Her. She is so generous to those who suffer and need help. She received honors for volunteering in the Troy School District, all of the time! When a teacher was dying and couldn't pay her mortgage, having exhausted all the sick days her colleagues had given to her on her behalf, my mom paid a month for her. My mom is so very generous.
But please. I wish she wouldn't fight this, even if it's over millions that should have been hers. The cost is too great. Let it go! We all have enough.
None of us are millionaires. We have to WORK. But my parents are fiscally responsible and have enough money to live out the rest of their lives extremely well. My sisters and I have all made it clear, we do not want money from my mother's family. Not a penny. We want to remain close to my cousins. We don't want to fight this or waste precious time.
I love my mom. I do. You know who I learned to volunteer from? Her. She is so generous to those who suffer and need help. She received honors for volunteering in the Troy School District, all of the time! When a teacher was dying and couldn't pay her mortgage, having exhausted all the sick days her colleagues had given to her on her behalf, my mom paid a month for her. My mom is so very generous.
But please. I wish she wouldn't fight this, even if it's over millions that should have been hers. The cost is too great. Let it go! We all have enough.
Forwards
Hi Akoko
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you had fun in Taiwan. We missed you at Thanksgiving!
Regarding the certified letter, I don't know anything about it. As all of the cousins have discussed, we are keeping out if any matters between you and my parents. If you would like to ask them directly, there phone numbers or emails have not changed. I trust that you can understand and respect our decision to remain neutral in these matters.
We love you and Happy Holidays!
First Cousin
Sent from my wireless device.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you had fun in Taiwan. We missed you at Thanksgiving!
Regarding the certified letter, I don't know anything about it. As all of the cousins have discussed, we are keeping out if any matters between you and my parents. If you would like to ask them directly, there phone numbers or emails have not changed. I trust that you can understand and respect our decision to remain neutral in these matters.
We love you and Happy Holidays!
First Cousin
Sent from my wireless device.
On Dec 19, 2015, at 10:15 PM, my mother wrote:
I know this is not anything should concern to both of you, but I though I would like you to know;
kotun sent the certifile mail to your parent
they didn't pick up the mail, we just wondering why? try to stay away from the problems just because not to pik up the mail?
I know they went to Europ trip then went back to Taiwan and back to US.
Thinking
Marriage can be hard. How do you know who you married when you were young and naive, would be someone you could successfully love and adore until death do us part? And is it really so terrible to get excited about anyone else or have attractions? Hubby and I have this joke, look but don't touch. But what if either of us became emotionally attached to someone or the idea of someone else? Then what? Is it necessarily indication that something is wrong with the marriage or is this just the nature of being human?
Of course if you don't engage a fancy, it's one thing and nothing is 'wrong' but what if you have been smitten and something has gripped you? Then what? And what if you aren't getting something in a marriage and there is no way out?
One day when I was in my twenties, I visited my dad's pathology department. I was introduced to all the doctors and at least 4 secretaries. One of them had my program on a wall of her cubby, from a recent concert I played at Carnegie Hall. I thought that was sweet. A couple of years later, at my grandma's funeral, I saw that same secretary. And there was just something about the awkwardness I sensed of her paying condolences in the receiving line surrounded by my family, my father was stilted and yet I think he wanted to hug her, it all passed so quickly but the moment gave me pause. Had there been anything between my dad and this secretary? And you know what? I actually felt very tender towards that woman, almost grateful. My dad deserves the embrace and affection of a woman who loves him. And I long knew my mom was incapable of delivering it, had let herself completely go, and was someone he could not leave and needed to take care of. Would I have blamed him if there was something? No. In fact, I would be a little relieved. But if my mother ever knew, of course, it would have destroyed her.
I know that too. A serious relationship in my younger years unraveled and never recovered after he ended up in bed with a violinist he was playing with. We tried to move on. I tried to get over it and couldn't. Years later, when he wanted to try again, fly us off somewhere fancy for the wknd, I knew better. It was done, I just couldn't trust him.
Not sure what I'm trying to say. I have the best husband in the world who worships the ground I walk on. And yet I am no saint and have my own yearnings. I can only assume he does, too.
But one thing is for sure. Lately I have been seeing the family off in my pajamas and bed head. I mean, it's bad in a way. I think it's so important to keep the excitement in your marriage, and while you can't always help your heart, you can help your behavior and help things a lot by taking care of your own appearance and getting on the treadmill now and again!
Maintenance
Earlier had a quick hike up and down Turkey Mt. with the fam. Came home, put on the aerobics outfit my student gave me today for Christmas, of all things, and made myself run 2-1/2 miles on the treadmill. Painful. I am so out of shape and out of practice. I wanted to stop so many times out of pure laziness but forced myself to keep going.
I've needed an intervention for awhile now and see what is happening. I need maintenance and I just have to do it.
Toast
My dad had a birthday lunch with his friends, today. My dad is 78 years old and my mom made a reservation at a restaurant and invited friends. That was so nice of her and I'm impressed she took this initiative.
Before you make a toast to dad, I wrote my little sister, can you read this? Feel free to edit as you wish.
Dear Dad,
I'm sorry we could not be there, today, but we in Sunny Patch, NY, are thinking of you and wish you the happiest of birthdays.
I want to just take a moment to tell you how much Big sister, Little sister and I love you. We appreciate your steady hand, your emphasis on peace and your unwavering generosity in everything you do and in ALL of your interactions.
We are immensely lucky for you and the example you set.
Happy Birthday!
love your three daughters
Before you make a toast to dad, I wrote my little sister, can you read this? Feel free to edit as you wish.
Dear Dad,
I'm sorry we could not be there, today, but we in Sunny Patch, NY, are thinking of you and wish you the happiest of birthdays.
I want to just take a moment to tell you how much Big sister, Little sister and I love you. We appreciate your steady hand, your emphasis on peace and your unwavering generosity in everything you do and in ALL of your interactions.
We are immensely lucky for you and the example you set.
Happy Birthday!
love your three daughters
Community
I played a bar mitzvah, yesterday morning. And though I was planning to leave immediately, I got into a conversation with Sheila and her husband, a couple in their 60s and the next town over. I tried to be encouraging, but acknowledged and agreed that I didn't think this synagogue was going to survive. Or at the very least, there is a significant problem with the new Rabbi and her ability to build bonds with the community. We brainstormed at least a few ideas, exchanged a few similar stories that were so bad we could only laugh, until we all just really had to go.
Even if this synagogue goes down the tubes, it has given me community and friendships with people I otherwise would have never met.
Nice email this morn:
Dear Gimky,
A quick note to thank you.
You were the best part of Saturday morning.
Your wit, charm, caring and open heart are attributes I look forward to sharing after the New Year.
Many hugs,
Sheila
Even if this synagogue goes down the tubes, it has given me community and friendships with people I otherwise would have never met.
Nice email this morn:
Dear Gimky,
A quick note to thank you.
You were the best part of Saturday morning.
Your wit, charm, caring and open heart are attributes I look forward to sharing after the New Year.
Many hugs,
Sheila
Saturday, December 19, 2015
choice
We had an hour long series of texts about some pretty crazy shit. The kind of stuff you don't easily talk to about with anyone. Of yearnings and how to not ruin your life. Of honoring commitments but trying to stay spiritually alive. About innate attractions and being human. But she was also kidding herself. Gimky, she finally told me, I can't help it, I just want him to be there.
And that is the simple truth, I wrote back, and all I needed to hear you say.
She doesn't want to 'ruin' her life and yet, this was an invitation for him to fall in love with her, if he hadn't already. Who wouldn't, once he heard her play? It will cause you emotional turmoil, I warned her, it won't be enough and you won't be able to give and receive what you want and freely. I know, I told her. Face it, it's not 'just a concert.' This won't put anything to rest, trust me.
Did you know, I wrote, that in the Episcopalian church, priests are allowed to divorce and remarry and keep their jobs, however they are not allowed to keep their jobs if they marry the mistress that broke up their marriage? There is some other similar thinking in Judaism.... And when you think it through, it makes sense....
Gimky! I just want him to understand what I will never be able to say. That's all.
Oh, you'll be able to say it alright, crystal clear and more than plenty well with instrument under chin. I understand your intoxication and the helplessness you feel in being able to resist, I don't judge nor do I blame you. But let's be clear and you need to face it, if he comes to hear you in this sweet little concert and sees more plainly what you're all about, it will wreak more havoc with both of you than it already has.
Whether is is fantasy, distraction, infatuation, midlife crisis or just plain love - and even if it's love and she is so deserving - the situation is impossible and she's going to suffer. Then again, she already is.
And that is the simple truth, I wrote back, and all I needed to hear you say.
She doesn't want to 'ruin' her life and yet, this was an invitation for him to fall in love with her, if he hadn't already. Who wouldn't, once he heard her play? It will cause you emotional turmoil, I warned her, it won't be enough and you won't be able to give and receive what you want and freely. I know, I told her. Face it, it's not 'just a concert.' This won't put anything to rest, trust me.
Did you know, I wrote, that in the Episcopalian church, priests are allowed to divorce and remarry and keep their jobs, however they are not allowed to keep their jobs if they marry the mistress that broke up their marriage? There is some other similar thinking in Judaism.... And when you think it through, it makes sense....
Gimky! I just want him to understand what I will never be able to say. That's all.
Oh, you'll be able to say it alright, crystal clear and more than plenty well with instrument under chin. I understand your intoxication and the helplessness you feel in being able to resist, I don't judge nor do I blame you. But let's be clear and you need to face it, if he comes to hear you in this sweet little concert and sees more plainly what you're all about, it will wreak more havoc with both of you than it already has.
Whether is is fantasy, distraction, infatuation, midlife crisis or just plain love - and even if it's love and she is so deserving - the situation is impossible and she's going to suffer. Then again, she already is.
Friday, December 18, 2015
being there
Earlier this year, Belac's friend said something to me to the effect of 'thanks, bitch.' It was meant to be funny, I think, but I looked at him and told him, 'Never talk to me that way again. Never.' I had never been called a bitch and was shocked. I had just poured him some milk or something. I'm sorry, Gimky, he said immediately, stopping in his tracks. It could have been a stupid adolescent thing that slipped out. Or it could be that he forgot where he was. Or is this the way he spoke to his mother...?
I did mention it later to both his mom and dad, on the rare occasion that I happened to see him. I wasn't hurt or anything at all, but I did use it as an opportunity to check in. And it was the dad who told me that son was lucky to be able to come to us and referred to son's situation as living with a ticking time bomb.
I am very close to this boy and mother, both who are refreshingly straight forward and witty. I have seen them affectionate and she is so loving with both her kids. Generous. But mom and son are also both cut of the same cloth, sharp, passionate, and stubborn, and it gets their relationship in trouble. They both push back, they argue, they don't let things go.... And I think the sister's difficulties put a tremendous amount of pressure for him to succeed. Too much.
He's in therapy, the mom got him a tutor and she attends AA, weekly, as a daughter of and ex-wife of. She worries about son given genetics and history on both sides of the family. They are doing all the right things and she is really trying. And while I'm not taking initiative on the matter - they have to figure it out themselves - I think the best thing and the only thing we can do is to be there for them.
hard
Things are the worst they've ever been over at Dot's house. She asked me to call, yesterday morning. I listened and tried to be encouraging. Again, it came up that her son wants to move out. That they have been fighting and he - a totally neurotypical kid - has been banging his own head on the wall at the height of his frustration. First, it was all about going to his dad's in CT. He asked his dad and he said no. And now, he keeps bringing up to her that he wants to move in with us. I said nothing. Was she suggesting something?
At 3pm, I received a phone call. Gimky? If my mom lets me, can I come over? Well, I think you and your mom have an agreement, right? That you can't come over, today. Yeah, but I was just thinking that if you said it was okay, I could call her and tell her you said so.... Listen, sweetie pie. You know you are always welcome at my house. Always. But I don't want to get in between you and your mom. I know there are valid reasons why you can't come today. The good news is, it's just today and in January, on Thursdays, when everyone is done with their homework and everything they need to do, you kids can all meet here before Hebrew School to hang and then walk over together. Ok? Okay, came a glum agreement before we said good bye.
His dad accepted my invitation on LinkedIn, yesterday. What could I do? I should try to develop a good relationship with him. This kid has been to our house and has slept over thousands of times. He has epi pens and inhalers and toothbrushes here. I love this kid like my own, we take him with us, wherever we go, and he is Belac's best friend. I asked hubby, last night. What would you say if she asked us if he could live with us? Not a good idea, hubby said, it would not improve his relationship with Dot, it might even make it worse. Now, if they BOTH wanted to move in with us, that's another thing. That would be the right thing. I laughed imagining it, the 3 of them! No way! I exclaimed. Well, he said, if the goal is to help them, we couldn't take just him in.
You know he's banging his head against a wall...? Hubby looked up and was silent. He went from being on the High Honor roll, last year, to getting Cs, I added, and he tells Dot everyday, that home is a "toxic environment". He is seeing a therapist, now, but he's been banging his head on the wall...! What if they just need a time out from each other, to cool off?
I heard him sigh. I could say nothing. Dot had been talking all year about sending the daughter to a special needs boarding school. She has money her mom left her that would make this possible. Before these eruptions, though, and knowing that his grades had slipped so much, I had been more in favor of her spending the money to send son to a local, small, progressive, highly regarded private school. (Now it would be hard to get into.) But I get it. What's going on in her house right now is too much for her to handle by herself. Raising a 17 year old daughter on the autism spectrum with 85 IQ and limited options, and a freaking smart, confused and totally stressed out 12 year old boy, whose dad is wholly absent from his life and whose mother is at wits end juggling it all. It is so very, very hard and I feel for all of them.
I love her boyfriend, who is snarky and funny and just a great guy. His kids have their own things going on that he has to deal with. (Don't we all? I tell her.) I think they should be together, at the very least living together. I don't know what she is so scared of. At the end of each day, they will have each other to cuddle up with and they can worry together and help each other under the stability of one roof. I am in favor of their being together and his moving in. It's been like 7 years already and they make each other happy and understand each other. Their kids are old enough to deal with it. In fact they'd probably love it.
At 3pm, I received a phone call. Gimky? If my mom lets me, can I come over? Well, I think you and your mom have an agreement, right? That you can't come over, today. Yeah, but I was just thinking that if you said it was okay, I could call her and tell her you said so.... Listen, sweetie pie. You know you are always welcome at my house. Always. But I don't want to get in between you and your mom. I know there are valid reasons why you can't come today. The good news is, it's just today and in January, on Thursdays, when everyone is done with their homework and everything they need to do, you kids can all meet here before Hebrew School to hang and then walk over together. Ok? Okay, came a glum agreement before we said good bye.
His dad accepted my invitation on LinkedIn, yesterday. What could I do? I should try to develop a good relationship with him. This kid has been to our house and has slept over thousands of times. He has epi pens and inhalers and toothbrushes here. I love this kid like my own, we take him with us, wherever we go, and he is Belac's best friend. I asked hubby, last night. What would you say if she asked us if he could live with us? Not a good idea, hubby said, it would not improve his relationship with Dot, it might even make it worse. Now, if they BOTH wanted to move in with us, that's another thing. That would be the right thing. I laughed imagining it, the 3 of them! No way! I exclaimed. Well, he said, if the goal is to help them, we couldn't take just him in.
You know he's banging his head against a wall...? Hubby looked up and was silent. He went from being on the High Honor roll, last year, to getting Cs, I added, and he tells Dot everyday, that home is a "toxic environment". He is seeing a therapist, now, but he's been banging his head on the wall...! What if they just need a time out from each other, to cool off?
I heard him sigh. I could say nothing. Dot had been talking all year about sending the daughter to a special needs boarding school. She has money her mom left her that would make this possible. Before these eruptions, though, and knowing that his grades had slipped so much, I had been more in favor of her spending the money to send son to a local, small, progressive, highly regarded private school. (Now it would be hard to get into.) But I get it. What's going on in her house right now is too much for her to handle by herself. Raising a 17 year old daughter on the autism spectrum with 85 IQ and limited options, and a freaking smart, confused and totally stressed out 12 year old boy, whose dad is wholly absent from his life and whose mother is at wits end juggling it all. It is so very, very hard and I feel for all of them.
I love her boyfriend, who is snarky and funny and just a great guy. His kids have their own things going on that he has to deal with. (Don't we all? I tell her.) I think they should be together, at the very least living together. I don't know what she is so scared of. At the end of each day, they will have each other to cuddle up with and they can worry together and help each other under the stability of one roof. I am in favor of their being together and his moving in. It's been like 7 years already and they make each other happy and understand each other. Their kids are old enough to deal with it. In fact they'd probably love it.
clarification
Chuckle. Is that what it's called? Gimky, let's be clear. It's not really golden, if anything, it's bronze. If you saw what the executives are getting, you'd realize what we're getting is more like bronze. Still, it's plenty good and good enough and it gives me more time to find a job.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
thank you
Hubby just called. He had his meeting. It is all very complicated and I can barely understand the if, then, and buts. But the incredible thing is, he's been offered an additional bonus to stay until the very end, 60 days after closing. 3 of 15 VPs were offered this and he was one of those three. Wow, I let out a gasp, I am in awe.
Hubby, it's a testament to how hard you've worked, how valuable you are to the company that they need you to the bitter end, and also, how lucky you are! I mean. That the company hired you after like a dozen interviews and an initial glitch, but you proved to them what you could do and they appreciated and promoted you over and over and let you grow, and of course you provided reliably for them. You should be so proud, I'm really proud of you! But we are also very lucky it turned out this way. I mean, look at where you were before, they were not going to let you grow like this. But then again, that company, they paid for your MIT, back in the day when companies did things like that.... And here you are hubby, after wanting and trying to leave off and on, and now you're being offered a golden parachute! I can't believe it. We have so much to be grateful for.
Thanks, sweetie pie, he told me. And me and the kids, I told him back, we all thank you.
Hubby, it's a testament to how hard you've worked, how valuable you are to the company that they need you to the bitter end, and also, how lucky you are! I mean. That the company hired you after like a dozen interviews and an initial glitch, but you proved to them what you could do and they appreciated and promoted you over and over and let you grow, and of course you provided reliably for them. You should be so proud, I'm really proud of you! But we are also very lucky it turned out this way. I mean, look at where you were before, they were not going to let you grow like this. But then again, that company, they paid for your MIT, back in the day when companies did things like that.... And here you are hubby, after wanting and trying to leave off and on, and now you're being offered a golden parachute! I can't believe it. We have so much to be grateful for.
Thanks, sweetie pie, he told me. And me and the kids, I told him back, we all thank you.
film class
Belac has taken a local film class and camp, every semester and almost every summer since 3rd grade. It's a real passion and he just wants and needs to be at the Lab, every week. He can't miss a class for anything, always wants to be early, and is always developing his ideas and drawing about his projects there. The faculty also know him well and know how to work with him.
But one time, I didn't register early enough and Belac's class closed. He was devastated and I heard about it everyday for weeks on end. Only because there was enough interest and they opened up another class, could he continue that semester. Another time, a class closed within a day! I mistakenly thought I had time to confirm with Belac. After so many tears, he agreed to take a certain class over for a 4th semester, even though he only needed 3 to progress. I didn't hear the end of this for months. And then, this past summer, Fall registration opened and I dropped everything and registered. But when I didn't get email confirmation in the first 30 minutes, I called. My registration not only did not go through, we were now 5th on the waiting list, hours after registration just began. Belac freaked out and I wrote 2 letters to the lab about their registration process and not having enough classes to meet demand. Ultimately, the lab opened up an extra fall class and this is where Belac starred and helped produced his best yet movie.
So of course, when I got an email today about open summer camp registration at the lab, I stopped everything and sat in my school's parking lot and registered Belac. 2 weeks or 4? I quickly asked hubby on the phone. 4, he told me. It was not worth waiting to ask Belac directly in a few hours. But what I remembered then, was that his camp had to be paid in full. Not a deposit and then a couple of payments over the course of the next 6 months like Jake's camp, but full payment.
I had no choice or I'd lose his spot.
Every March we make an annual budget after hubby's bonus arrives. There were a couple of years no one got one and we planned accordingly. We always pay retirement, kids' college and a hard to access savings account first. Then we live out the year between whatever's left and regular income. We try to be very careful and think of everything, but it goes fast. And you know what? We lost our cushion because of the unbudgeted furniture we bought in November. It helps that we've had mild weather and have not turned the heat on this season. It will help that hubby and I decided to plow the driveway ourselves, this year, realizing we need snow melting at the bottom of the hill, not on top. Every little bit matters and we have to be so careful now until March, but I am so relieved and Belac is so damn lucky! He's registered for film camp!
But one time, I didn't register early enough and Belac's class closed. He was devastated and I heard about it everyday for weeks on end. Only because there was enough interest and they opened up another class, could he continue that semester. Another time, a class closed within a day! I mistakenly thought I had time to confirm with Belac. After so many tears, he agreed to take a certain class over for a 4th semester, even though he only needed 3 to progress. I didn't hear the end of this for months. And then, this past summer, Fall registration opened and I dropped everything and registered. But when I didn't get email confirmation in the first 30 minutes, I called. My registration not only did not go through, we were now 5th on the waiting list, hours after registration just began. Belac freaked out and I wrote 2 letters to the lab about their registration process and not having enough classes to meet demand. Ultimately, the lab opened up an extra fall class and this is where Belac starred and helped produced his best yet movie.
So of course, when I got an email today about open summer camp registration at the lab, I stopped everything and sat in my school's parking lot and registered Belac. 2 weeks or 4? I quickly asked hubby on the phone. 4, he told me. It was not worth waiting to ask Belac directly in a few hours. But what I remembered then, was that his camp had to be paid in full. Not a deposit and then a couple of payments over the course of the next 6 months like Jake's camp, but full payment.
I had no choice or I'd lose his spot.
Every March we make an annual budget after hubby's bonus arrives. There were a couple of years no one got one and we planned accordingly. We always pay retirement, kids' college and a hard to access savings account first. Then we live out the year between whatever's left and regular income. We try to be very careful and think of everything, but it goes fast. And you know what? We lost our cushion because of the unbudgeted furniture we bought in November. It helps that we've had mild weather and have not turned the heat on this season. It will help that hubby and I decided to plow the driveway ourselves, this year, realizing we need snow melting at the bottom of the hill, not on top. Every little bit matters and we have to be so careful now until March, but I am so relieved and Belac is so damn lucky! He's registered for film camp!
growing up
Everyone up and out late, this morning. We had all been up at midnight, Jake sipping a warm milk by the fire with me, since he was still all wound up from the meet. He didn't like getting home at 10pm, 14 hours after he left the house in the morning. And then there was Belac, who didn't want to go to bed and be upstairs alone but decided at 11 he'd better go up.... The alarm went off, this morning, 30 minutes later than usual. Kids down fast, though. They both slurped up leftover udon, which also went into a thermos for Belac and I pulled out an Orgain shake for Jake. Thank God for leftovers and a microwave!
Mom, can you get some more Orgain? Jake asked, there's no more chocolate left.
These shakes were originally for Belac, but it's Jake who has been drinking them. He had brought home so many untouched lunches, the first months of school, and was just never hungry at lunch. Then there was a string of days before xcountry practice, when he'd call me, sick to his stomach. Had he eaten lunch? No. Had he had anything to drink all day? Another miserable no. And so he started bringing these shakes and found he was able to sip these down, even when he's not hungry. No further problems with his stomach and dehydration AND still, enough time to play ping pong at lunch, usually with a kid named Asher.
Jake, what is the other kid doing that you play with, does he eat his lunch? Yes, he does. Doesn't he live around the corner from us? Yes. Well, have you ever thought of inviting him over? To do what...? I realize that friendly as Jake is, he's fairly introverted. I mean, you play ping pong everyday, together. Maybe he wants to play ping pong on the week end? Or hang...? Maybe. Or I could buy an extra ticket to Star Wars and he could come with us? He was quiet, but I knew he was listening as he tied his shoes.
Friendly and socially content enough as he is at school, it would be great if he had a couple of friends that came to the house, occasionally. One day at a time.
Mom, can you get some more Orgain? Jake asked, there's no more chocolate left.
These shakes were originally for Belac, but it's Jake who has been drinking them. He had brought home so many untouched lunches, the first months of school, and was just never hungry at lunch. Then there was a string of days before xcountry practice, when he'd call me, sick to his stomach. Had he eaten lunch? No. Had he had anything to drink all day? Another miserable no. And so he started bringing these shakes and found he was able to sip these down, even when he's not hungry. No further problems with his stomach and dehydration AND still, enough time to play ping pong at lunch, usually with a kid named Asher.
Jake, what is the other kid doing that you play with, does he eat his lunch? Yes, he does. Doesn't he live around the corner from us? Yes. Well, have you ever thought of inviting him over? To do what...? I realize that friendly as Jake is, he's fairly introverted. I mean, you play ping pong everyday, together. Maybe he wants to play ping pong on the week end? Or hang...? Maybe. Or I could buy an extra ticket to Star Wars and he could come with us? He was quiet, but I knew he was listening as he tied his shoes.
Friendly and socially content enough as he is at school, it would be great if he had a couple of friends that came to the house, occasionally. One day at a time.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Winter track
There were many missteps, today. They ran at a community college in Suffolk county and the track was not regulation standard. It was a 250 meter track as opposed to the standard 400m they have been practicing on. In the 4 x 400 relay, one runner ran too far because the next runner wasn't sure when to take the baton. In Jake's 4 X 200, he ran fast but didn't know he could run in the inner lane and stayed in the outer lane.... His recounting of what happened was both frustratingly animated and laugh out loud funny as he slurped up dinner at 10:15PM. I appreciate his ways, authentic but always with some sort of perspective.
I hate winter track! he announced to us, do I really have to go on Friday??? I hate having to go anywhere on a Friday night!!!!!
Yes, it's at the Armory, and you're committed. You have just a handful of meets. Groan.... Yeah, because you have to qualify!!
Maybe we could come watch you, hubby suggested, and we will go out to eat afterwards. Dad!! Jake exclaimed, my impression is that restaurants get more full the later it gets on Friday nights!! It's going to be 10 o' clock in NYC!!
Impressive, I thought, that he knew that.
We will figure it out, I told them, we will do something fun.
I hate winter track! he announced to us, do I really have to go on Friday??? I hate having to go anywhere on a Friday night!!!!!
Yes, it's at the Armory, and you're committed. You have just a handful of meets. Groan.... Yeah, because you have to qualify!!
Maybe we could come watch you, hubby suggested, and we will go out to eat afterwards. Dad!! Jake exclaimed, my impression is that restaurants get more full the later it gets on Friday nights!! It's going to be 10 o' clock in NYC!!
Impressive, I thought, that he knew that.
We will figure it out, I told them, we will do something fun.
Extra
Hubby is curious if he's getting an extra bonus to stay til closing. Today one more person on his team was given a 1/2 year bonus in addition to her severance to stay til the end. Are you sure you mean to give this to me? she asked, I'm not sure that I'm so crucial.
Well, it's not all about what you're doing now, hubby explained, it might be about what you will be asked to do.... He knows between the woman he recommended and this added team member, with a lot of cross departmental experience, they could together do and figure out a lot with everyone else let go. Question is, how does hubby - their boss - factor into the equation?
She nodded and was quiet. Both persons being offered this extra bonus have been asked for secrecy. Only 10 percent of the company is being offered this, hubby was stern, and it should not be discussed with anyone....
Okay, then. Hubby had told me before that we need nothing more than the severance and we shouldn't be too piggy. Still, you can't help but wonder what the company will decide....
It's 70 in the house but hubby is making and fussing over a fire as he plays the piano. It's good to keep busy and occupied.
Well, it's not all about what you're doing now, hubby explained, it might be about what you will be asked to do.... He knows between the woman he recommended and this added team member, with a lot of cross departmental experience, they could together do and figure out a lot with everyone else let go. Question is, how does hubby - their boss - factor into the equation?
She nodded and was quiet. Both persons being offered this extra bonus have been asked for secrecy. Only 10 percent of the company is being offered this, hubby was stern, and it should not be discussed with anyone....
Okay, then. Hubby had told me before that we need nothing more than the severance and we shouldn't be too piggy. Still, you can't help but wonder what the company will decide....
It's 70 in the house but hubby is making and fussing over a fire as he plays the piano. It's good to keep busy and occupied.
conversation with teen
Jake called at 9. Finally! I had called a couple of times. He was leaving the meet.
How was it? Everyone told me if I knew the rules I would have done better.
Okay then, you'll learn the rules.
Did you eat the food I packed? Yes.
Don't forget your bags.... Ok.
Did you have fun? Yes. (Didn't sound convincing.)
Okay, see you soon. You're getting on the bus now? Yes.
Did anyone get a ride? Whose riding the bus? Most of us.
How long is the ride? 30-40 minutes.
Okay, see you soon, sweetie pie. Okay, bye.
How was it? Everyone told me if I knew the rules I would have done better.
Okay then, you'll learn the rules.
Did you eat the food I packed? Yes.
Don't forget your bags.... Ok.
Did you have fun? Yes. (Didn't sound convincing.)
Okay, see you soon. You're getting on the bus now? Yes.
Did anyone get a ride? Whose riding the bus? Most of us.
How long is the ride? 30-40 minutes.
Okay, see you soon, sweetie pie. Okay, bye.
thoughtful day
There is a lot of stress around me. I have a friend who is the breadwinner and the thousands of things she needs to do to keep the lights on of her business would be more than enough, but she is also dealing with a hubby who is unhinged, a kid who needs hours of her extra help and encouragement, everyday, and a family that needs to be physically fed and feel her calming presence every night. Another who is a hottie, but who hasn't slept in the same bedroom as her husband in years, initially because of his severe sleep apnea. He has now sort of let himself go, withdrawn and buried himself in work. In the meantime, the lack of intimacy in their marriage has taken it's serious toll and they are like ships passing in the night.... And what do both of these situations have in common? The husbands both came from unstable families. One suffered severe abuse from his mother, the other had an absent father and an alcoholic mother, a sister who ended up in prison. And I also think of Dot, who has been really at wits end, lately. A single mother of a special needs teen and a 12 year old boy. The father is absent. The situation at her house has been terrible, lately.
Ella told me today, my loyal blog reader, what you are doing for your kids is huge, you're helping them develop necessary self-esteem. I never quite thought of it that way and I appreciated her vote of confidence.
I just need to look at my own mom, who was not paid attention to by her parents nor felt their love. The middle daughter flanked by 2 boys. She wasn't even in her parents' will, despite caring for each of her parents until their death. There's life long hurt and resentment there, a deep seeded insecurity she was not able to overcome. Instead, everything in her life is unfair and someone else's fault, and it's just a very hard sentiment for those to endure around her.
I know that people have their nature and when that nature is difficult, it's easy to just get frustrated and give up as a parent, or behave in ways that are less than admirable. I'm guilty of all of the above. Ella told me what she learned from her son's therapist. That when a kid is struggling, he needs empathy above all and support. Yelling doesn't help, Dr. Kutscher says in every single lecture, it only adds to the stress, stop yelling. Ella is like me, in many ways, always trying to figure out the best way to be a mom and meet the kids' needs. I hope whatever it is that I'm doing helps my boys, and power to her, too.
Yesterday, a local composer brought over some pieces for me. I had just performed a few of his works on a concert in November, and he had more music for me. Gimky, I read you have a Doctorate from Juilliard! I mean, that's wonderful! How are you spending your days? Did you ever think of playing in an orchestra?
I shrugged and laughed. I know what he was hinting at. We talked a while. First and foremost, I told him simply, I am a mom. My youngest more obviously needs me, but they both do.... Early on, I lamented not having that big career or being a professor somewhere, that a colleague had earned a title or won a job I did not, but now I truly have no regrets. I do a little of everything - teaching and performing - and enjoy it, and I get to be with my kids who are growing up so fast. I'm lucky, I have a very good life!
I snuck into see Ella in the city, this morning. It was the best.
Ella told me today, my loyal blog reader, what you are doing for your kids is huge, you're helping them develop necessary self-esteem. I never quite thought of it that way and I appreciated her vote of confidence.
I just need to look at my own mom, who was not paid attention to by her parents nor felt their love. The middle daughter flanked by 2 boys. She wasn't even in her parents' will, despite caring for each of her parents until their death. There's life long hurt and resentment there, a deep seeded insecurity she was not able to overcome. Instead, everything in her life is unfair and someone else's fault, and it's just a very hard sentiment for those to endure around her.
I know that people have their nature and when that nature is difficult, it's easy to just get frustrated and give up as a parent, or behave in ways that are less than admirable. I'm guilty of all of the above. Ella told me what she learned from her son's therapist. That when a kid is struggling, he needs empathy above all and support. Yelling doesn't help, Dr. Kutscher says in every single lecture, it only adds to the stress, stop yelling. Ella is like me, in many ways, always trying to figure out the best way to be a mom and meet the kids' needs. I hope whatever it is that I'm doing helps my boys, and power to her, too.
Yesterday, a local composer brought over some pieces for me. I had just performed a few of his works on a concert in November, and he had more music for me. Gimky, I read you have a Doctorate from Juilliard! I mean, that's wonderful! How are you spending your days? Did you ever think of playing in an orchestra?
I shrugged and laughed. I know what he was hinting at. We talked a while. First and foremost, I told him simply, I am a mom. My youngest more obviously needs me, but they both do.... Early on, I lamented not having that big career or being a professor somewhere, that a colleague had earned a title or won a job I did not, but now I truly have no regrets. I do a little of everything - teaching and performing - and enjoy it, and I get to be with my kids who are growing up so fast. I'm lucky, I have a very good life!
I snuck into see Ella in the city, this morning. It was the best.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Anxious
I have to admit, I'm anxious. Tonight, hubby received an email and just one person on his team met the cut for an extra incentive to stay until closing. It was the one person hubby could recommend who'd be able to hobble through and figure everything out, if there could be just one person.
By the cozy fire hubby explained and re explained the very complicated mess of a takeover. How there had to be key people at time of sale. And how those incentivized might not be the people of choice to keep by the acquirer but key people in the transition.
Hubby won't know for 3 more days what his fate is. And he has told me they don't need him. What does that mean? No job after 60 days from closing... Does he really believe that or is he just setting our expectations.
We talked again about companies he's been in contact with. What his severance would likely be. What he's like to do. But he also told me again, nothing is off the table, we have to look even outside of NY.
It would be hard to end the school year and not know we'd still be here for the next. I don't want to move the kids, though I'm not worried about reinventing myself.... What will happen? What can hubby find? Can we stay? it's a little stressful.
By the cozy fire hubby explained and re explained the very complicated mess of a takeover. How there had to be key people at time of sale. And how those incentivized might not be the people of choice to keep by the acquirer but key people in the transition.
Hubby won't know for 3 more days what his fate is. And he has told me they don't need him. What does that mean? No job after 60 days from closing... Does he really believe that or is he just setting our expectations.
We talked again about companies he's been in contact with. What his severance would likely be. What he's like to do. But he also told me again, nothing is off the table, we have to look even outside of NY.
It would be hard to end the school year and not know we'd still be here for the next. I don't want to move the kids, though I'm not worried about reinventing myself.... What will happen? What can hubby find? Can we stay? it's a little stressful.
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