Thinking about my mom and why she has been so obsessed about her share of family money - or non existence of it despite living a good life.
She has told me before that she wished we didn't have to take out student loans for our education. Well, I was dutifully paying mine monthly until a few years ago when hubby suggested we could and should pay it off, and we did. Big sis paid her medical school loans off herself, as a professional and living like a student. Little sis still working on hers, but she is still enjoying her life... The fact is, we are all fine.
Then she told me that she wished she could leave more for her grandkids, Belac especially. But again, you know what? Belac is doing well all around. I am more certain than ever he will work and live at least a semi-independent life. We save a significant portion of hubby's salary for retirement and the kids' college. We have no bad debt. Our house is worth a lot and we could sell it easily. And hubby and I are both insured for the kids' sakes. Belac will be fine financially.
You know? Good we don't have certain expectations because we've behaved more responsibly and take less for granted. Also, I realize this:
My mother is such a good person and can be the most generous person on this planet. but she is also not secure. Not only because she has a certain sensitive personality, but she also doesn't have a certain education or independence from my father. And so rather than make herself easier to be around and more attractive, she has made herself impossible to leave. She used to be a ballerina in the top ballet school in Japan. You'd never guess to see her now. Sick, a self-described disabled person, obese, exaggerated drama in every which way, emotionally unreliable, undisciplined, and plagued by general emotional imbalance exacerbated by her own fear and insecurities.
It was actually my father who pointed out that my mom viewed her share of an inheritance as her contribution to this family, my sisters and my dad, and explained her devastation to believe her brothers stole what little was given to her. We tell her all the time we just want her to let it go and be happy, that we're okay. Yes, her brothers are assholes, yes it's unfair. But any kind of reasoning with her she views as us not understanding the depth of her very justified despair, and so because she can't let it go and it consumes her, on top of everything else, it's destined to ruin the rest of her life.
I hope my marriage is strong, I try not to take hubby for granted. I hope we will be healthy and able to work for the next while and that I remain attractive to him. But you just can't plan on forever and rely on one person like my mom does on my dad. She should have worked and had hobbies besides my father and her family. It would have done her so much good to have quantifiable proof that she had spent her time properly and other people to be accountable to. Appreciation from others besides her family. A sense of pride and recognition of her worth besides her family name, mother of XY and Z, or marriage to a medical doctor.
One might say that I don't need to work. Like my dad, my husband makes enough for all of us. For sure, we are lucky for his income. But it is with great pride that I work and try to be very good at what I do. I am determined and there's so much I want and need and feel compelled to do. My boys are my first priority, always, but because I work (and volunteer) I feel valued and free. Because I had to create and define positions for myself, time and time again, I know I can figure out how I'm needed and how to make myself useful, even indispensable. I am more confident knowing that if I suddenly had to fend for myself, no hubby, no parents, I will be okay. Every woman (and man, for that matter) should be so lucky.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
small business
Had a few exchanges with my families today and worked on my schedule. With the exception of one student and a confirmation from my tricky family, it looks like everything is a go. Piling in students one after another during several week days and evenings, I even have room for more. Maybe I will. In and out, little small talk, nothing spread out like before. Office hours for any in depth talking. Every year my earnings have grown, but looking at my schedule and what I can now do in the studio with little and controlled disruption to family? Astonishingly, I realize, I could make very good money....
Really what I should do is work on getting classes together during the day, these mommy and me classes I love. That takes much more work to get together and hussle over, but once established, its fun for me and makes good use of my time while the boys are in school. I have my studio now, all professional and closed off. I could at first try to get one class of 4 -6 kids and their parents for mommy and me, each week. Why not? I can also offer at a pretty price point, recognizing that these classes feed into my studio.
How much do we really need the garage if we built a shed in the backyard? Hubby was shocked and rolled his eyes. Didn't we just make the studio? Already thinking about building a small stage for the piano and busting through the garage.
Really what I should do is work on getting classes together during the day, these mommy and me classes I love. That takes much more work to get together and hussle over, but once established, its fun for me and makes good use of my time while the boys are in school. I have my studio now, all professional and closed off. I could at first try to get one class of 4 -6 kids and their parents for mommy and me, each week. Why not? I can also offer at a pretty price point, recognizing that these classes feed into my studio.
How much do we really need the garage if we built a shed in the backyard? Hubby was shocked and rolled his eyes. Didn't we just make the studio? Already thinking about building a small stage for the piano and busting through the garage.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
drug
Tonight we went out for dinner. Hubby and I drank Perrier leaving his parents to share a bottle of wine themselves. They were surprised hubby, too, was not drinking. And you know, when I was done with my Perrier I ordered a second. I would never normally do something like that, spend money on fizzy water? But it's what I'm always drinking now and what I wanted. Added benefit is that it's much cheaper than wine and I'm sure the markup for seltzer at restaurants is not the 76% markup of wine. Or maybe it is, I really don't care. The seltzer is good for me.
i have no desire for alcohol at all. It's wild. And I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Why didn't I quit sooner? Spared myself the fuzzy head, weight gain and financial expense? Drinking is a huge myth. It doesn't make you happy, it doesn't make you more likeable and it certainly doesn't make you more healthy. Let's call it what it is: a socially acceptable drug.
i have no desire for alcohol at all. It's wild. And I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Why didn't I quit sooner? Spared myself the fuzzy head, weight gain and financial expense? Drinking is a huge myth. It doesn't make you happy, it doesn't make you more likeable and it certainly doesn't make you more healthy. Let's call it what it is: a socially acceptable drug.
a la St. Donat
Looking at me from afar while I was standing in front of the Blendtec, hubby gave me a thumbs up and a look of a sort of surprise. I gave him a thumbs up back as I made one of my favorite smoothies so far: a banana, an avocado, mixed berries and some unsweetened almond milk. You're looking good, hubby told me as we cuddled up on the top step overlooking the lake and watched the world wake up.
He's now off on a run and swim. Yesterday he worked and longer than anticipated and didn't get any training in. He was antsy and disappointed. He has a tri on Saturday but also, he is the kind of person that needs aerobic exercise everyday.
Still, we had a good short hike up Sourire when the sun was low followed by a good dinner I had prepped earlier in the day. I sautéed green beans in garlic, roasted potatoes, and had marinated chicken for the grill. My in-laws opened the wine we brought all the way from Montepulciano, Italy (I did not have, even just for the memory of our good times, and hubby had a glass) and I have enjoyed all of us lingering at the table at meals and especially my FIL, always in good spirits, telling stories or observations and joking around with the kids. We ended the night with the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. Kids were reading, drawing and on their devices.
Idyllic times in the country.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Life in the country
Left hubby and Jake to work, and Belac and I went into town. First to find a patch for the inner tube and then to shop for dinner. Drove to two different stores, browsing and waiting both times for someone to help me in English, and finding a suitable patch at a place that I was told wouldn't and didn't have it. Then shopping for dinner with Belac, pushing the cart and my telling him how important it is to follow up and check for yourself about things that are important to you.
Prepped dinner and now waiting. Hubby will soon be done with his conference call and I urged Jake to try to get another article summarized. At 3, we are leaving for a hike! Great to be away and live a simplified life and far away from all other responsibilities!
And meanwhile, I am getting a lot of practice not drinking with alcohol around. It's weird, I just don't want or need it or feel like I'm missing out when others are drinking. I had inklings of knowing, of both 4 hour bar mitzvah parties for Jake and Belac, for example, with flowing wine and champagne the whole time, and getting to last song, having danced the whole time away and only then fully realizing I hadn't finished a glass of anything we spent so much money on. I had a fabulous time, both times, out on the dance floor and making my rounds. I was happy. Did I need to have alcohol to feel good or like celebrating? No. But it's conditioned. You show up for a celebration, someone hands you a glass of something and then continues to refill your glass over and over and you sip and sip and lose track. And then somehow you're conditioned into thinking that's what your supposed to do.
At friend's wedding, the bartender had to wait for someone to cover him so he could go up the hill to get me some seltzer. 108 guests and they didn't think of stocking seltzer? Really? Everyone was drinking? And sitting down there were already champagne glasses filled and wine coming around for everyone's glass. The assumption is that you will drink and abstaining is the exception. Not the other way around. It was pretty eye opening but I understood why, too. I waited tables all through college and liked when I served drinkers because it meant bigger tips for me....
Happy for this chance to do a hard 'reset' and be more mindful about taking care of myself. Certainly helpful that hubby has been on board though taking a more modified approach than me. We will see where this all leads, but one thing is for sure. I feel great!! Why would I go back to before?
Prepped dinner and now waiting. Hubby will soon be done with his conference call and I urged Jake to try to get another article summarized. At 3, we are leaving for a hike! Great to be away and live a simplified life and far away from all other responsibilities!
And meanwhile, I am getting a lot of practice not drinking with alcohol around. It's weird, I just don't want or need it or feel like I'm missing out when others are drinking. I had inklings of knowing, of both 4 hour bar mitzvah parties for Jake and Belac, for example, with flowing wine and champagne the whole time, and getting to last song, having danced the whole time away and only then fully realizing I hadn't finished a glass of anything we spent so much money on. I had a fabulous time, both times, out on the dance floor and making my rounds. I was happy. Did I need to have alcohol to feel good or like celebrating? No. But it's conditioned. You show up for a celebration, someone hands you a glass of something and then continues to refill your glass over and over and you sip and sip and lose track. And then somehow you're conditioned into thinking that's what your supposed to do.
At friend's wedding, the bartender had to wait for someone to cover him so he could go up the hill to get me some seltzer. 108 guests and they didn't think of stocking seltzer? Really? Everyone was drinking? And sitting down there were already champagne glasses filled and wine coming around for everyone's glass. The assumption is that you will drink and abstaining is the exception. Not the other way around. It was pretty eye opening but I understood why, too. I waited tables all through college and liked when I served drinkers because it meant bigger tips for me....
Happy for this chance to do a hard 'reset' and be more mindful about taking care of myself. Certainly helpful that hubby has been on board though taking a more modified approach than me. We will see where this all leads, but one thing is for sure. I feel great!! Why would I go back to before?
over 2 weeks AF
It's my 3rd week of not drinking. And I continue to make a smoothie for breakfast every morning, always with kale, fruit and a banana, and watch what I'm eating. Aside from my coffee in the morning, I have not eaten anything with added sugar. Since coming up to Canada, I've been making sure to exercise and this morning I got on the treadmill.
I don't know how much weight I have lost but I feel great and every morning, I see it is reflected in my face. My eyes are clear, I don't have any bags under my eyes and my complexion is so much more even. I also no longer feel bloated or tired in the morning.
I also love feeling in control and not like I need a drink to have a good time. I'm having a good time without any "help." Played scrabble with my MIL for the very first time without a drink, we've been playing for over 15 years, and beat her by over 100 points.
All good.
I don't know how much weight I have lost but I feel great and every morning, I see it is reflected in my face. My eyes are clear, I don't have any bags under my eyes and my complexion is so much more even. I also no longer feel bloated or tired in the morning.
I also love feeling in control and not like I need a drink to have a good time. I'm having a good time without any "help." Played scrabble with my MIL for the very first time without a drink, we've been playing for over 15 years, and beat her by over 100 points.
All good.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Good news
Picked Jake up from Rockefeller and he was a huge sweaty mess. He and a couple of kids got lost in the woods and ended up running 8 miles instead of the 3, the teacher estimated. And he had forgotten water and was dying. Returning home I got a phone call from the Asst. Principal. They are approving Jacob for Honors Bio and the research class and feel it's a great opportunity for him. And his schedule needs to be corrected for AP Computers.
He can't do the changes himself, which is a worry in itself about somehow getting his schedule to accommodate all of this, but he told me "the Principal and I approve these changes and feel it's a great opportunity for Jacob."
Jake breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing this. Thank God, I heard him say from behind the shower curtain when I opened the bathrooms door a crack to tell him. I'm so proud of you! Your hard work is paying off!
And off to Canada we go.
He can't do the changes himself, which is a worry in itself about somehow getting his schedule to accommodate all of this, but he told me "the Principal and I approve these changes and feel it's a great opportunity for Jacob."
Jake breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing this. Thank God, I heard him say from behind the shower curtain when I opened the bathrooms door a crack to tell him. I'm so proud of you! Your hard work is paying off!
And off to Canada we go.
Liszt
Yes, I'm drinking this, I told hubby and Jake who were leaving to run, both laughing and wide-eyed at this sight but still convincible enough to try a sip. It's a frozen banana and peach, an entire avocado and kale, a little OJ.
Last night hubby patted and pinched my stomach and was like 'hey, it's definitely smaller!' I did the same to his and thought the same. He's unconvinced about weight loss. But for him there is another exciting development of not drinking that is just as compelling: productive piano practice at night.
For 2 years he's been learning a Liszt Etude. Lately, I have noticed it's been sounding particularly good. Last night, when I came in at 10PM from walking the dog, he was still playing and nailing it. Gimky, because I'm not drinking I've had amazingly productive time at the piano. If I were drinking, I could not be playing this way.... And now I have it all from memory!
That is definitely true. His piano practice goes later and therefore longer, and he's been sounding good. And by the way, how amazing that he can practice late because of the studio! I'd never be able to tolerate that kind of energy in an open room, bouncing off all the walls in the center of the house!
All good things. About to pack my clothes. Today we head up to Canada after Belac's doctor's appointment. Bringing up my Blendtec. Packing up healthy snacks for the car. And yes, ugh, I can't forget my running shoes.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
smoothie
Of course if the boys or hubby saw what I was drinking, I'd get a whole slew of unwelcome comments. But this is what frozen banana, blueberries, peaches and 3 handfuls of kale looks like. And believe it or not, it's delicious and refreshing! Hubby thinks I've sort ofgone crazy and saw my "Kick the drink.... easily!" laying on the bathroom floor this morning.
Happy, though! The blender was 50%, but only the display was available, which they gave me an additional 15% off of because there was no box, manual or recipe book. I checked, it was all online anyway. I had an additional 20% off coupon and viola! For the financial cost of not drinking 2 weeks, I have a new blender and am back to my smoothies!
This was lunch along with a bean salad I made earlier with a ton of cilantro. Delicious! I feel AWESOME.
happy
A family came from Bronxville. We met, chatted and 2 of her 3 girls had lessons with me. One on violin and the other piano. My student showed up as they were leaving and put in a good word, telling the mother I'm a great teacher. We will see what happens but I think they were happy and comfortable, I made it a point to not pressure them. I want my studio to grow, but I am all about a good fit and am now careful to express that I expect regular practice and commitment from my students.
I was in the studio for almost 3 hours. Jake came home from running and I had left a note for him to 1) shower, 2) eat, 3) work on his articles. When I emerged briefly to get my student a glass of water, I saw him working on 3). Good job, sweetie pie! I chirped as I went back to the studio. Out the window, I also saw Belac riding his scooter in circles on the drive, and dutifully leaving to walk the dog. I also heard the pantry door opening, when he returned, and knew he was getting himself a snack.
It's this beautiful thing that I can work at home but that no one can see or be in our personal space, anymore. Incredible that the kids can be free to live but the same time, I can see what's happening out of the corner of my eye and even excuse myself as necessary.
Belac and I discussed some new rules, this morning. Belac, I made him look at me, if you need me, come to the door, say 'excuse me, Mom' and wait for me to come to you, ok? I will come out of the studio and talk to you privately. These is to be no more coming into the room and telling me stuff in front of everyone during their lessons, ok? And of course, whenever anyone comes to the house, you should say 'hello,' ok? Or if anyone is mixed up and comes into the house but wants to be in the studio, you can nicely show them where to go, okay? He agreed.
We also figured out that he can actually walk to and from all of his afterschool extra curriculars this year. There won't be any interruptions to drive him or his brother places and it will be exercise and the increased autonomy he needs. My boys are growing up and I am growing up, too. So happy!
Off to buy a blender with a 20% coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond, just in time to take with me to Canada for fresh juice!
I was in the studio for almost 3 hours. Jake came home from running and I had left a note for him to 1) shower, 2) eat, 3) work on his articles. When I emerged briefly to get my student a glass of water, I saw him working on 3). Good job, sweetie pie! I chirped as I went back to the studio. Out the window, I also saw Belac riding his scooter in circles on the drive, and dutifully leaving to walk the dog. I also heard the pantry door opening, when he returned, and knew he was getting himself a snack.
It's this beautiful thing that I can work at home but that no one can see or be in our personal space, anymore. Incredible that the kids can be free to live but the same time, I can see what's happening out of the corner of my eye and even excuse myself as necessary.
Belac and I discussed some new rules, this morning. Belac, I made him look at me, if you need me, come to the door, say 'excuse me, Mom' and wait for me to come to you, ok? I will come out of the studio and talk to you privately. These is to be no more coming into the room and telling me stuff in front of everyone during their lessons, ok? And of course, whenever anyone comes to the house, you should say 'hello,' ok? Or if anyone is mixed up and comes into the house but wants to be in the studio, you can nicely show them where to go, okay? He agreed.
We also figured out that he can actually walk to and from all of his afterschool extra curriculars this year. There won't be any interruptions to drive him or his brother places and it will be exercise and the increased autonomy he needs. My boys are growing up and I am growing up, too. So happy!
Off to buy a blender with a 20% coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond, just in time to take with me to Canada for fresh juice!
juice
Today, I am replacing my broken blender. I am going to make smoothies again. I loved mashing greens and fruit together and drinking them.. All in good health!
waiting
We are off to Canada, tomorrow. Hubby and I talked in the studio, last night, as he played some piano and I pulled up a chair next to him. I'm worried that I raised my rates too much.
He stopped.
Gimky, no. You aren't going to start calling people and cutting everyone deals because you will be back where you began. Let people finish their summers and think about it. You wrote a good letter and you explained the circumstances. Let them call you. No one is forcing them to pay you anything. No one is forcing them to have lessons with you. And that family that hasn't even been paying you for that 3rd lesson? That has to stop. It's not like she's conservatory bound. That should never have happened.
It's true. At least I should not have agreed to make one of the lessons 45 minutes as opposed to 30 if she was getting something almost free....
I teach a couple of lessons this morning. The kitchen door shuts and I am in the studio and not worried about the way the house looks. It's not untidy, but it's not the perfectly controlled clean of yester year and I appreciate this. I can focus on what matters and we can live. I just never had this before, where the piano was separate and not in my living space, and am still getting used to it. I love it.
He stopped.
Gimky, no. You aren't going to start calling people and cutting everyone deals because you will be back where you began. Let people finish their summers and think about it. You wrote a good letter and you explained the circumstances. Let them call you. No one is forcing them to pay you anything. No one is forcing them to have lessons with you. And that family that hasn't even been paying you for that 3rd lesson? That has to stop. It's not like she's conservatory bound. That should never have happened.
It's true. At least I should not have agreed to make one of the lessons 45 minutes as opposed to 30 if she was getting something almost free....
I teach a couple of lessons this morning. The kitchen door shuts and I am in the studio and not worried about the way the house looks. It's not untidy, but it's not the perfectly controlled clean of yester year and I appreciate this. I can focus on what matters and we can live. I just never had this before, where the piano was separate and not in my living space, and am still getting used to it. I love it.
waking up
Woke up to a call from Jake at 715am. Hey mom, he said, I'm ready to be picked up. Okay, be outside... I am, he told me. Okay, be there in 5. I hung up. Wow, I'm impressed. Hubby, too, was long gone for a big bike ride or run, or maybe he went to the pool to swim laps at 6:30 before work. Not sure.
Pulling out of the drive, I notice runner after walker after dog walkers after 2 runners together after people walking to the train. Amazing. Everyone up and out.
And there was Jake, sitting on the front stoop, reading his kindle and waiting after his 2nd ever sleep over in Sunny Patch. The other boys were sleeping for sure. I handed him water and 2 cereal bars. He was allowed to go to the sleep over so long as he was up and ready for Cross Country Practice. And here he was, ready and with pack on back.
Good start to the morning!
Pulling out of the drive, I notice runner after walker after dog walkers after 2 runners together after people walking to the train. Amazing. Everyone up and out.
And there was Jake, sitting on the front stoop, reading his kindle and waiting after his 2nd ever sleep over in Sunny Patch. The other boys were sleeping for sure. I handed him water and 2 cereal bars. He was allowed to go to the sleep over so long as he was up and ready for Cross Country Practice. And here he was, ready and with pack on back.
Good start to the morning!
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
kicking it
Hubby snoring in the other room, Belac in bed. It's just wild how late I've been staying up on these days I've been dry. Now reading Jason Vale's "Kick the drink... Easily!" The writing leaves much to be desired but his perspective is astounding and interesting. I never thought of alcohol as a drug before and the acceptance of it (vs heroin or smoking) as societal brain-washing. Only on page 125 and not even half way done, but have found myself laughing out loud in parts at our own stupidity.
I'm seriously thinking about not ever drinking again. Sounds extreme, but I feel great and I just don't want to feel like I have to control myself. This keeps it simple. Plus I'm looking much better, and just feel very free and happy without it. Making my rounds at the wedding and chatting with people while sipping my seltzer and cranberry while they sipped their own alcoholic drinks proved to me I didn't need a sip and I was better than fine. Losing weight and saving money are added huge benefits...!
I was actually shocked that hubby announced in advance that he'd have a glass of wine on Saturday night with our BBQ dinner with his family, but otherwise the rest of our trip to visit his family would be alcohol free. He is getting into this, too.
Let's see where this goes, who knows.
good day
I was just informed that Belac's movie was chosen by our local theater, to be shown at the end of a showing of a series of shorts compiled from the 2016 Children's Film Festival on the west coast. It's in a few weeks and it's Ethan's bar mitzvah day! Otherwise what a blast it would have been to see Belac's D vs. Donut on the big screen!
Both boys out of the house. One is back at Alex's for a sleepover, having worked on his articles all day and run to school to submit last minute paperwork for X-Country. I have to pick up him up at 7:45AM tomorrow and drop him up at practice. Belac at his friend Ben's. And so what weird feeling that I am home by myself, sipping seltzer and trying to get things organized and presentable, when a family comes for a visit to my studio tomorrow.
I feel bad about raising my rates and the fact that a few key students have been silent. And meanwhile, my new students are asking for slots and I want to give my current students preferential treatment with times. But how to call and not put pressure on them if they need to figure out their circumstances or comparison shop? I don't want to pressure them on top of all these recent changes. I know I have to be patient and let people figure things out. What their schedules are during the week with other extra curriculars and what they can manage.... I feel bad but I also know that I should be paid more. And frankly, the local person told me she wanted to raise her rates, also first time in a long time, but couldn't if I didn't raise mine, "Gimky," she told me, "your rates have to be higher than mine." Still, it's a big 'correction,' even if I am still less than other rates out there. But I am allowed to make a living, right? To be paid properly? The new students are just signing up because they've done the research and know I'm not out of line. It's my current students who have their stomachs in their throats....
So off I go. Now making a flier to leave places to announce Mommy and Me classes out of the studio. Now focusing on maximizing time in the studio when the kids are in school, and it's probably where my priority should be at this point as I wait this out.
Both boys out of the house. One is back at Alex's for a sleepover, having worked on his articles all day and run to school to submit last minute paperwork for X-Country. I have to pick up him up at 7:45AM tomorrow and drop him up at practice. Belac at his friend Ben's. And so what weird feeling that I am home by myself, sipping seltzer and trying to get things organized and presentable, when a family comes for a visit to my studio tomorrow.
I feel bad about raising my rates and the fact that a few key students have been silent. And meanwhile, my new students are asking for slots and I want to give my current students preferential treatment with times. But how to call and not put pressure on them if they need to figure out their circumstances or comparison shop? I don't want to pressure them on top of all these recent changes. I know I have to be patient and let people figure things out. What their schedules are during the week with other extra curriculars and what they can manage.... I feel bad but I also know that I should be paid more. And frankly, the local person told me she wanted to raise her rates, also first time in a long time, but couldn't if I didn't raise mine, "Gimky," she told me, "your rates have to be higher than mine." Still, it's a big 'correction,' even if I am still less than other rates out there. But I am allowed to make a living, right? To be paid properly? The new students are just signing up because they've done the research and know I'm not out of line. It's my current students who have their stomachs in their throats....
So off I go. Now making a flier to leave places to announce Mommy and Me classes out of the studio. Now focusing on maximizing time in the studio when the kids are in school, and it's probably where my priority should be at this point as I wait this out.
pushing
On the phone with the Asst. Principal this morning to follow up on Jake's emails to teachers left unanswered. Also consulted the student handbook. With a Regents score of 95 and "successful" completion of Earth Science, he should be able to go into Honors Biology, the Asst. Principal noted. But no one is around in the Guidance office to change his schedule. Also, no one is able to tell us if Jake can do the Science Research program and if it fits in his schedule. The summer requirements are significant and if he's going do it, he starts working today. Actually, yesterday he started reading articles, even if he can't get in. No choice. Dive in and hope for the best.
I feel bad I wasn't on top of this earlier. I should have questioned about the Honors class when I had the chance earlier this summer but didn't stop to think of it. I trusted Jake that the cut off point was 95 for the class as he told me. It wasn't, it was 90 and one point away. And he easily scored the 90+ requirement on the Regents. And when I brought up the Science Research class, Jake told me that there was an advanced science pre req he didn't have. I only thought yesterday to ask, who told you that? Another kid. Did you ask a TEACHER? Silence. Do you want this? Well, yes but I didn't think I could take it. Well, let's figure out if you can get in!! Jake, you always have to go to the source. You have to let your teachers know what you're interested in and talk to them.
Ugh. This kid drives me crazy. I HAVE to oversee or he's going to miss the boat on stuff. And yet I have to NOT helicopter. Finding that balance drives me crazy. I need to teach him to go ask and go to the source and to not just take whatever he can get. To ask for clarifications? You want something? Go find out what you have to do, in objective terms. Don't just have the ambiguous goal of studying harder. Don't rely on info from a kid, who is not going to be out to help you and only protecting his own status. Go to your counselor. Go to the teacher!
AAAArghhhhh!
But you know what? He's just like me at that age. I get it. And I have to help him.
I feel bad I wasn't on top of this earlier. I should have questioned about the Honors class when I had the chance earlier this summer but didn't stop to think of it. I trusted Jake that the cut off point was 95 for the class as he told me. It wasn't, it was 90 and one point away. And he easily scored the 90+ requirement on the Regents. And when I brought up the Science Research class, Jake told me that there was an advanced science pre req he didn't have. I only thought yesterday to ask, who told you that? Another kid. Did you ask a TEACHER? Silence. Do you want this? Well, yes but I didn't think I could take it. Well, let's figure out if you can get in!! Jake, you always have to go to the source. You have to let your teachers know what you're interested in and talk to them.
Ugh. This kid drives me crazy. I HAVE to oversee or he's going to miss the boat on stuff. And yet I have to NOT helicopter. Finding that balance drives me crazy. I need to teach him to go ask and go to the source and to not just take whatever he can get. To ask for clarifications? You want something? Go find out what you have to do, in objective terms. Don't just have the ambiguous goal of studying harder. Don't rely on info from a kid, who is not going to be out to help you and only protecting his own status. Go to your counselor. Go to the teacher!
AAAArghhhhh!
But you know what? He's just like me at that age. I get it. And I have to help him.
hard
Very difficult conversation, yesterday, with a family who told me they didn't call right away because they had to digest the rate hike. I gave her kids a significant 'scholarship' leaving the hike to be more moderate and I could tell something was still amiss. And while on the phone I was trying to do separate myself out and try to think.
My rates were nowhere near market, or at least they didn't reflect my background and what I'm doing. This family has 3 lessons a week and I've always given the mom a discount, was she was asking for the rate to stay the same? I couldn't tell. But really, they can't exactly stay the same. But maybe they can't afford it and they are a lovely family and it should? But then I feel like they need to come out and say what they need and want and not make me guess. But I was also already giving them an extra half hour lesson for free. I wrote to them, yesterday, nicely recapping our conversation and offering a proposal. Is this okay with you? I asked, also giving them their ideal times.
Maybe it was wrong of me and too piggy to just hike up my rate to market like that. And maybe I need to cut a deal with my families that have been with me long term. But on the other hand, I want to be paid what I am 'supposed' to be paid, too. And 2 lessons for the price of 3 is really not fair and I should have never allowed it. And they have the audacity to expect that the 3rd lesson still be 45 minutes and not 30 on top of that. I am not asking that they give up their fancy BMW, I'm not, and I do think they live a modest life, but I am also correcting the rate and getting it to acceptable range. And unfortunately, an acceptable rate that also involves a huge scholarship means a huge hike for them overall. Anywhere else they went, anywhere else, they'd never ever get a deal like this. They should consider themselves lucky to have saved such money for a couple of years.
I just don't know what to say.
It's music lessons. "Just" music lessons, was the problem with my mindset. No one else on the planet would have cut them such a deal to begin with. What is wrong with me? I am a terrible at making money.
My rates were nowhere near market, or at least they didn't reflect my background and what I'm doing. This family has 3 lessons a week and I've always given the mom a discount, was she was asking for the rate to stay the same? I couldn't tell. But really, they can't exactly stay the same. But maybe they can't afford it and they are a lovely family and it should? But then I feel like they need to come out and say what they need and want and not make me guess. But I was also already giving them an extra half hour lesson for free. I wrote to them, yesterday, nicely recapping our conversation and offering a proposal. Is this okay with you? I asked, also giving them their ideal times.
Maybe it was wrong of me and too piggy to just hike up my rate to market like that. And maybe I need to cut a deal with my families that have been with me long term. But on the other hand, I want to be paid what I am 'supposed' to be paid, too. And 2 lessons for the price of 3 is really not fair and I should have never allowed it. And they have the audacity to expect that the 3rd lesson still be 45 minutes and not 30 on top of that. I am not asking that they give up their fancy BMW, I'm not, and I do think they live a modest life, but I am also correcting the rate and getting it to acceptable range. And unfortunately, an acceptable rate that also involves a huge scholarship means a huge hike for them overall. Anywhere else they went, anywhere else, they'd never ever get a deal like this. They should consider themselves lucky to have saved such money for a couple of years.
I just don't know what to say.
It's music lessons. "Just" music lessons, was the problem with my mindset. No one else on the planet would have cut them such a deal to begin with. What is wrong with me? I am a terrible at making money.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Wow!
I'm grateful I got my website together when I did. Over the week end I received emails from two parents at my nursery school. One student I taught for 4 years in Mommy and Me and nursery school. Now entering 1st grade, the parents want piano lessons for their daughter. Another mom reached out and wanted to start her 7 year old on violin. Both families were directed to my website in our back and forth interactions. With the 7 year old from Bronxville, I gave them my rates and also suggested I was too far from Bronxville, suggesting they google my address; the mom wrote back to tell me that it wasn't too far for them and that she also wanted to switch piano teachers and have her 13 year old study with me. She hadn't known that I taught piano as well.
So just like that, I'm starting with 3 new students. There are objective benefits to having prepared materials and a website. This is also the first time that my nursery school class because a feeder for my own studio. I am so glad I got my act together and made a website. I am so grateful for these new students!
So just like that, I'm starting with 3 new students. There are objective benefits to having prepared materials and a website. This is also the first time that my nursery school class because a feeder for my own studio. I am so glad I got my act together and made a website. I am so grateful for these new students!
savings
Everyday hubby and I don't drink, we are saving money.
It's been 11 days of no opening up a wine or beer at home. Let's just say that's 10 dollars a day. We've saved $110 dollars. If we go out to eat and don't order alcohol, that's at least $25 savings off our restaurant bill.
Not to go crazy or anything. A few years back our coffee machine broke. Never replaced it and began using the French press we had. Well, it cracked this summer and so what are we doing? Using a percolator we've always used just on the week ends. But what if I just drank water all day long and skipped the coffee? What would happen if I just drank water all the time and nothing else?
Well, I'm curious. Why not find out?
It's been 11 days of no opening up a wine or beer at home. Let's just say that's 10 dollars a day. We've saved $110 dollars. If we go out to eat and don't order alcohol, that's at least $25 savings off our restaurant bill.
Not to go crazy or anything. A few years back our coffee machine broke. Never replaced it and began using the French press we had. Well, it cracked this summer and so what are we doing? Using a percolator we've always used just on the week ends. But what if I just drank water all day long and skipped the coffee? What would happen if I just drank water all the time and nothing else?
Well, I'm curious. Why not find out?
still summer
Just picked up Isa from her tutor, who I spoke to briefly about working with Belac. The teacher has a great personality and works in the district. And while Isa has always been an Honor Roll student, she spent last year learning 7th grade solely in Hungarian. So Kati's smart. She has her already working with a teacher to make this transition as easy as possible.
Now Isa and Belac are walking the dog. Isa told me, I have to make my mark on the bathroom door. Wait! Belac said to her, Isa now towers over me and is at least 10 inches taller as Belac, he gestured with where the top of his head reached her neck, I'm almost as tall as you!! We laughed.
It's a beautiful day. They all have a little studying to do. We might go to the pool. I need to feed them and I have a meeting at 5:30.
These wonderful last Summer days!! How wonderful it is that Isa's back!!
Now Isa and Belac are walking the dog. Isa told me, I have to make my mark on the bathroom door. Wait! Belac said to her, Isa now towers over me and is at least 10 inches taller as Belac, he gestured with where the top of his head reached her neck, I'm almost as tall as you!! We laughed.
It's a beautiful day. They all have a little studying to do. We might go to the pool. I need to feed them and I have a meeting at 5:30.
These wonderful last Summer days!! How wonderful it is that Isa's back!!
alcohol free
Hopped on the scale as I ran up to get dressed. It's incredible how the pounds keep falling off. All because I'm not drinking wine and consuming all the fatty snacks that accompanied it. I am not even starving myself and still eat along with everyone else, wherever I go. Even the occasional sweet dessert. Just generally controlling what I eat and not drinking.
Hubby, too.
Everyday we talk about it. He feels that he's burning fat in his exercise everyday, now, and not calories. We both have been going to bed late for us. Almost midnight, 1-1/2 hours later than usual and during that time up, we've been having very productive evenings. He sleeps better and snores less heavily. I wake up clear eyed. We are well rested. And I feel great!
Of course, there are those moments that you want to just pop something open and pour. It was a habit and there are triggers, that feeling of what you've usually done. But we will get through it. One day at a time.
Hubby told me he has plans for Friday, having learned from the 50th birthday we attended, where he was poured 2 glasses of wine and 2 glasses of scotch. (The next day he took a sip of champagne for the wedding toast and then drank seltzer the rest of the time.) That he will open one bottle at our house (we can't not), pour for everyone and pour one for himself to make a toast, but either not touch it or sip slowly all night, but just have the one. He feels the pressure to the be the good guest and host. Me on the other hand, I've made it very simple for myself and am simply not drinking. Watching him navigate, I give kudos to him, for drinking only socially but in those situations, politely and with learned moderation.
One day at a time.
Hubby, too.
Everyday we talk about it. He feels that he's burning fat in his exercise everyday, now, and not calories. We both have been going to bed late for us. Almost midnight, 1-1/2 hours later than usual and during that time up, we've been having very productive evenings. He sleeps better and snores less heavily. I wake up clear eyed. We are well rested. And I feel great!
Of course, there are those moments that you want to just pop something open and pour. It was a habit and there are triggers, that feeling of what you've usually done. But we will get through it. One day at a time.
Hubby told me he has plans for Friday, having learned from the 50th birthday we attended, where he was poured 2 glasses of wine and 2 glasses of scotch. (The next day he took a sip of champagne for the wedding toast and then drank seltzer the rest of the time.) That he will open one bottle at our house (we can't not), pour for everyone and pour one for himself to make a toast, but either not touch it or sip slowly all night, but just have the one. He feels the pressure to the be the good guest and host. Me on the other hand, I've made it very simple for myself and am simply not drinking. Watching him navigate, I give kudos to him, for drinking only socially but in those situations, politely and with learned moderation.
One day at a time.
PR kind of day
Just wrote two dozen personalized emails to music teachers in surrounding schools asking to be added to their local music teacher lists.
All guns are out: my sweet studio awaits, the website is live, business cards are printed. And I'm telling people I have room in my studio.
It would be nice to start the semester with most of my dozen students. But if not, I'm ready to grow again.
All guns are out: my sweet studio awaits, the website is live, business cards are printed. And I'm telling people I have room in my studio.
It would be nice to start the semester with most of my dozen students. But if not, I'm ready to grow again.
business news
Unlike this snowflake blog, I have spent hours learning about SEO and trying to get my new music website searchable at Google. And not just searchable, but at the top of the list of search results. I have fussed around and struggled with SEO, only to become more clear and focused on my ultimate goal. This is not just a new website to justify my price hike to my students, but also a direct appeal to attract a certain kind of new student. Do I really need meta tags for my recordings or performances? No. People will browse there and find them. No one is looking to hear Gimky Snowflake's word on a Beethoven Sonata. What I need first and foremost as my 10 basic meta tags and search words are: the 3 pieces of my name, piano, violin, teacher, music, Mommy, Special and SunnyPatch. Once at my website, they can find anything about me. Then I woke up this morning and had an epiphany! Of course some of my meta tags should include the names of the local music schools and my surrounding towns. And you get around the 10 word limit because not every page of my website needs the same meta tags. Duh! That's how you throw a bigger net!
The process of making my website has been eye opening. I didn't know until yesterday, that the Boston Globe came to a concert, last year, and called one of my performances "sensational." Had no idea until I found the review with google. I had no idea or second thoughts about how well I might have played with a cellist at Carnegie almost TWENTY years ago until I made myself listen to the entire concert for the first time, laying on my couch sometimes biting my nails between hand on heart. Was that really me? Building this website has forced me to make an accounting of my musical activities and background and to define myself and think about how I contrast from the rest. In a word, the process has been empowering. And by posting the link on FB, after hemming and hawing and wondering if it was too self promoting or presumptuous or braggy or would send the wrong impression somehow, I just took a deep breath and did what my older sis insisted I must do and hit 'post.' And with that, I stopped hiding. Yes, I'm serious, I am a pianist, violinist and teacher. Yes, I have a business. Yes, I am open for business. It's no longer just this thing I do on the side or fun and games, but it's this thing. A big thing to me. In fact, it's a big part of me. I have a doctorate from Juilliard, I perform, I teach. Yes, I play the piano. But you know what? I am also allowed to - and should- call myself a 'pianist.'
A few years ago, even a close friend sort of giggled when I told him that I had just played a concert in Boston. Giggled. It rubbed me the wrong way and I moved onto another subject but it left me wondering. Was this cute or something? Did I appear like a housewife, stay at home mom chasing a pipe dream? And still another good friend asked, do you get paid to play in Boston? And I felt my blood pressure rise and confusion even as I smiled and said yes. Do you think I can't get paid for playing? To the point that I need pay to perform? No one meant 'anything' I'm sure and it was sheer ignorance, but it does say something about how I was viewed and maybe rightfully so, since I tend to be modest and self-deprecating. Though this website was not designed specifically for either of these people, I did keep these exchanges in mind as I built this thing. That most people do not understand what it entails to be a performer. Have no idea the hours of practice and thinking about music that goes into being a good musician. And that even my own students, because I don't talk about it much, have no real idea why I am different from the local piano teacher down the street, who has 40-50 students, day and day out, and was trained as a composer, first and foremost.
And to be honest, I have felt frustrated with my Boston group for not updating my bio after years of asking them to just replace it with a new one I had written. For not assigning me bigger pieces. Did they treat the other shiny, new pianists this way? And now most of my studio remains silent about if they are coming back and what lesson slot they want. I know some are on vacation and will get back to me but at least a few will be in shock. And actually I am very okay with it. I want my students to call other teachers and schools and find out what else they could get and think about what they want from their lessons. I hope most of them do this. Because you know what? I want them to understand what they are getting if they continue with me. And on top it, for them to remember all of the extra time I give the kids, my figuring out rep and skills for each kid and what they need to do. My showing up at their houses for lessons to do a make up when parents can't get them here. Cancellations last minute. Performance classes. Phone calls with their parents. Clips of their kids playing at lessons sent to parents when they can't be there. All the positive reinforcement and encouragement. Very personalized attention. I mean, I give them everything I've got. It's not just about the money for me and teaching as many kids as possible and checking off boxes.
Building this website was the easiest way to lay it out for people without needing to rely on anyone else. And making all this info available in one place is also the best way for others to understand that this is a business and not a hobby, and real instruction and not just a musical experience. This new website has some of the same quotes from my last one and offers up the same basic facts, but this new website obviously reflects another more confident and experienced person with more specific goals in mind. Back then, I was just starting to get something going and was open to anything. Now, 9 years later, I have something pretty good going. Still always figuring things out! Undeniably, though, this is a new chapter!
The process of making my website has been eye opening. I didn't know until yesterday, that the Boston Globe came to a concert, last year, and called one of my performances "sensational." Had no idea until I found the review with google. I had no idea or second thoughts about how well I might have played with a cellist at Carnegie almost TWENTY years ago until I made myself listen to the entire concert for the first time, laying on my couch sometimes biting my nails between hand on heart. Was that really me? Building this website has forced me to make an accounting of my musical activities and background and to define myself and think about how I contrast from the rest. In a word, the process has been empowering. And by posting the link on FB, after hemming and hawing and wondering if it was too self promoting or presumptuous or braggy or would send the wrong impression somehow, I just took a deep breath and did what my older sis insisted I must do and hit 'post.' And with that, I stopped hiding. Yes, I'm serious, I am a pianist, violinist and teacher. Yes, I have a business. Yes, I am open for business. It's no longer just this thing I do on the side or fun and games, but it's this thing. A big thing to me. In fact, it's a big part of me. I have a doctorate from Juilliard, I perform, I teach. Yes, I play the piano. But you know what? I am also allowed to - and should- call myself a 'pianist.'
A few years ago, even a close friend sort of giggled when I told him that I had just played a concert in Boston. Giggled. It rubbed me the wrong way and I moved onto another subject but it left me wondering. Was this cute or something? Did I appear like a housewife, stay at home mom chasing a pipe dream? And still another good friend asked, do you get paid to play in Boston? And I felt my blood pressure rise and confusion even as I smiled and said yes. Do you think I can't get paid for playing? To the point that I need pay to perform? No one meant 'anything' I'm sure and it was sheer ignorance, but it does say something about how I was viewed and maybe rightfully so, since I tend to be modest and self-deprecating. Though this website was not designed specifically for either of these people, I did keep these exchanges in mind as I built this thing. That most people do not understand what it entails to be a performer. Have no idea the hours of practice and thinking about music that goes into being a good musician. And that even my own students, because I don't talk about it much, have no real idea why I am different from the local piano teacher down the street, who has 40-50 students, day and day out, and was trained as a composer, first and foremost.
And to be honest, I have felt frustrated with my Boston group for not updating my bio after years of asking them to just replace it with a new one I had written. For not assigning me bigger pieces. Did they treat the other shiny, new pianists this way? And now most of my studio remains silent about if they are coming back and what lesson slot they want. I know some are on vacation and will get back to me but at least a few will be in shock. And actually I am very okay with it. I want my students to call other teachers and schools and find out what else they could get and think about what they want from their lessons. I hope most of them do this. Because you know what? I want them to understand what they are getting if they continue with me. And on top it, for them to remember all of the extra time I give the kids, my figuring out rep and skills for each kid and what they need to do. My showing up at their houses for lessons to do a make up when parents can't get them here. Cancellations last minute. Performance classes. Phone calls with their parents. Clips of their kids playing at lessons sent to parents when they can't be there. All the positive reinforcement and encouragement. Very personalized attention. I mean, I give them everything I've got. It's not just about the money for me and teaching as many kids as possible and checking off boxes.
Building this website was the easiest way to lay it out for people without needing to rely on anyone else. And making all this info available in one place is also the best way for others to understand that this is a business and not a hobby, and real instruction and not just a musical experience. This new website has some of the same quotes from my last one and offers up the same basic facts, but this new website obviously reflects another more confident and experienced person with more specific goals in mind. Back then, I was just starting to get something going and was open to anything. Now, 9 years later, I have something pretty good going. Still always figuring things out! Undeniably, though, this is a new chapter!
Sunday, August 21, 2016
politics
By the way, I am fearful of what might happen if it is discovered Hillary Clinton has Parkinson's Disease before the November vote. I really don't want to vote for her but even more, I don't want Trump to win. I might vote for the 3rd party candidate depending on how things stand in November because the bigger picture is, we cannot continue on like this in the US with just 2 parties. It's a mess. Two bad candidates in my opinion. One is more competent and less dangerous, but they're both still bad.
The current political scene and where this all seems to be going is frightful.
The current political scene and where this all seems to be going is frightful.
taking control
Listening to hubby play the piano while lounging on the couch and sipping water. Just a little earlier, I felt the urge - as I was sitting down to fix some things on my website - to have a sip of wine. And as I emerged from the basement with laundry, hubby emerged from his office after a few hours of work. He was drinking a glass of milk with a piece of Michigan fudge he was sharing with Belac. It's hard, he told me, now is the time when I'd love a sip of scotch. We laughed and looked at each other knowingly. It's habitual and there are certain triggers for wanting a drink. So now he's playing Liszt with the lid fully up, I'm sitting across with my laptop and listening.It's almost time for bed, it will pass.
2 weeks til his first tri, 3 more weeks after that is his second tri. Can I keep this up for 6 weeks, I wonder? I guess we will see, one day at a time. Most of the time I am just amused by this challenge and how I find I am out to prove something to myself and am increasingly aware of the social pressures of drinking.
We have all of these beautiful bottles of wine in our pantry that have gone untouched since returning home from our trip. We've been discussing what will happen this Friday when our friends come to dinner. They are big wine drinkers, have a wine cellar, and we always drank 2-3 bottles between the 4 of us with chunks of cheese before us. Always have. So this will be weird. Of course we have to open a bottle of wine when they come. And then what? We don't drink? I certainly won't, leaving hubby to at least take a glass but even his drinking just a glass would be hard for them to digest. And the other weird thing? Yesterday at Olivia's when they started with some cheese, my stomach immediately felt upset. I am not a big dairy person but never had a problem with cheese and crackers. It dawned on me that I never ate cheese and crackers without washing it all down with wine, and maybe that's what helped me break down the milk in the past? So now I will also lay out some cheese and I won't touch that either? It's new territory. I want our friends to have a good time even if I'm not partaking along with them....
Hubby is encouraging me to run again. Ugh. Crazy that I lost so much weight in a week by just watching what I put in my body. I'm trying to listen to it. When the kids are back in school I intend to go the gym regularly again.
2 weeks til his first tri, 3 more weeks after that is his second tri. Can I keep this up for 6 weeks, I wonder? I guess we will see, one day at a time. Most of the time I am just amused by this challenge and how I find I am out to prove something to myself and am increasingly aware of the social pressures of drinking.
We have all of these beautiful bottles of wine in our pantry that have gone untouched since returning home from our trip. We've been discussing what will happen this Friday when our friends come to dinner. They are big wine drinkers, have a wine cellar, and we always drank 2-3 bottles between the 4 of us with chunks of cheese before us. Always have. So this will be weird. Of course we have to open a bottle of wine when they come. And then what? We don't drink? I certainly won't, leaving hubby to at least take a glass but even his drinking just a glass would be hard for them to digest. And the other weird thing? Yesterday at Olivia's when they started with some cheese, my stomach immediately felt upset. I am not a big dairy person but never had a problem with cheese and crackers. It dawned on me that I never ate cheese and crackers without washing it all down with wine, and maybe that's what helped me break down the milk in the past? So now I will also lay out some cheese and I won't touch that either? It's new territory. I want our friends to have a good time even if I'm not partaking along with them....
Hubby is encouraging me to run again. Ugh. Crazy that I lost so much weight in a week by just watching what I put in my body. I'm trying to listen to it. When the kids are back in school I intend to go the gym regularly again.
sleep over
Jake was invited to sleep over at a friend's along with another friend who has been coming by our house often, lately. They are a couple of quirky, geeky kids from nice families. I was shocked. I mean, at already 15 years old Jake had never been invited to sleep over at a schoolmate's house in Sunny Patch. And he had those years of sleep terrors, I remembered all too well. I just sort of thought that those days of sleep overs had long passed at this age. Who invited you? Alex? When? Well, of course you should go! A few minutes later he came by to tell me he might not because he thought it would be 'boring.' Why? You don't know unless you go once. No, they shouldn't all come here, they always all come here. Go there and see what it's about. And you can always call me if there is any problem and I'll come get you right away. Okay, he told me as he texted the kid back.
I know this boy well and his dad. But he wasn't going to his dad's but to his mom's, who I had never formally met. The parents are divorced.
I went into the house with Jake and waited. It was a little awkward, the mom was in the bathroom and would be right out and it took a bit long, but I wasn't going to leave Jake there without exchanging a few words with her. Jake and his friend were already off to the basement and the other boy, next door, was just arriving and whose parents I know very well. Jake had brought Super Smash and a bunch of controllers to play with them. The mom finally appeared. She was very pretty and voluptuous and articulate. They had just dropped her older one off at Oberlin, my alma mater. We talked about the town and made some chit chat. I liked her enough and knew Jake would be fine. And certainly if not, he'd text me.
Happy for Jake. A couple of buddies he's feeling more comfortable about being chummy with. A girl he texts with every night. Earned a Red Cross Lifeguard Certification, yesterday, and geeked out at computer camps this summer. He's growing up and learning new things. I think he's feeling valued and loved, even as he asked me to be more positive with him the other day and help him feel better about himself. It's all good.
I know this boy well and his dad. But he wasn't going to his dad's but to his mom's, who I had never formally met. The parents are divorced.
I went into the house with Jake and waited. It was a little awkward, the mom was in the bathroom and would be right out and it took a bit long, but I wasn't going to leave Jake there without exchanging a few words with her. Jake and his friend were already off to the basement and the other boy, next door, was just arriving and whose parents I know very well. Jake had brought Super Smash and a bunch of controllers to play with them. The mom finally appeared. She was very pretty and voluptuous and articulate. They had just dropped her older one off at Oberlin, my alma mater. We talked about the town and made some chit chat. I liked her enough and knew Jake would be fine. And certainly if not, he'd text me.
Happy for Jake. A couple of buddies he's feeling more comfortable about being chummy with. A girl he texts with every night. Earned a Red Cross Lifeguard Certification, yesterday, and geeked out at computer camps this summer. He's growing up and learning new things. I think he's feeling valued and loved, even as he asked me to be more positive with him the other day and help him feel better about himself. It's all good.
mazal tov!
Beautiful casual, friendly, real wedding. I played 20 minutes of background music as people seated and processional/recessional. I also weeped at the ceremony and especially at dad's speech (the boys' bnei mitzvah teachers and our friend) to bride. We sat at a table with friends from synagogue and had a great time. A mom I did not know well, whose daughter is 21 and on the spectrum, we bonded over their crazy, jaw dropping stories of bringing their daughter to Stanley Greenspan and about my dream of building a private, cooperative residence for special needs housing. And I admitted to never having told anyone this, but I found myself telling her about Charles' house and that corner and tearing all 3 houses down to build this. It's A1 zoning, I told her. And the woman, a lawyer, looked at me and said "but the thing is, no one can do it alone." Yes, I told her, no one can do it alone. Moment of silence. We need to have dinner and talk, she told me. Yes, we do!
There were cocktails, I ordered hubby and me seltzer and cranberry juice from the bar. There was a champagne toast, hubby took just one sip. I ignored my already poured flute and raised my water glass instead. Wait staff came to pour wine multiple times and each time we declined. I made my rounds and chatted with everyone at my table and around. I had a great time and did not need an alcohol induced buzz.
Were you impressed I didn't drink? I was proud to ask hubby later. Everyone at our table was drinking. Not really, he told me, but last night I was! To not have wine with the steak? That would have been hard for me!
As long as I'm confident and non-chalant about it, and drinking something that looks fancy (I asked for a lime in my seltzer every time), people seem to not notice. I just don't want to inhibit anyone or appear holier than thou.
Gave out two cards. Talked to the photographer there, whose kids take theater classes with the bride. I showed him my new website and the photo he took of me, last year, that credited him. Awesome! he exclaimed. We compared notes on upcoming events. I'm soon playing for a bar mitzvah he's taking pictures for. Okay, then! I exclaimed when saying good bye, I'll see you in 5 weeks!
Cleaning up my business, cleaning up myself. All good, I feel good.
There were cocktails, I ordered hubby and me seltzer and cranberry juice from the bar. There was a champagne toast, hubby took just one sip. I ignored my already poured flute and raised my water glass instead. Wait staff came to pour wine multiple times and each time we declined. I made my rounds and chatted with everyone at my table and around. I had a great time and did not need an alcohol induced buzz.
Were you impressed I didn't drink? I was proud to ask hubby later. Everyone at our table was drinking. Not really, he told me, but last night I was! To not have wine with the steak? That would have been hard for me!
As long as I'm confident and non-chalant about it, and drinking something that looks fancy (I asked for a lime in my seltzer every time), people seem to not notice. I just don't want to inhibit anyone or appear holier than thou.
Gave out two cards. Talked to the photographer there, whose kids take theater classes with the bride. I showed him my new website and the photo he took of me, last year, that credited him. Awesome! he exclaimed. We compared notes on upcoming events. I'm soon playing for a bar mitzvah he's taking pictures for. Okay, then! I exclaimed when saying good bye, I'll see you in 5 weeks!
Cleaning up my business, cleaning up myself. All good, I feel good.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Naturally happy
Home. Reflected on the evening as I walked the dog around the block and everyone else got ready for bed. It was fun. Hubby had wine with everyone else at dinner. Sipping slowly. And when the hubby came by to pour more, it was hard to refuse because everyone was getting more. And at dessert, the hubby is a scotch drinker like hubby and had to open up this special red colored scotch especially for the occasion for hubby to try, which they toasted to, and then he came by again to fill some more. I could see hubby drinking lots of water and going slowly and we were 6 hours there and going well, but I could see first hand the pressure for hubby to drink along with them. Especially because I was only drinking seltzer - and went through 2 bottles I brought along with me - and water and more water.
You know, it wasn't hard not to drink. I just explained right away that I was on a detox and everyone respected it. And over dinner we told stories that made me just cry with laughter. And we walked along the trail behind their house after dinner while Belac chased Pokemon with her younger kinds who are absolutely enamored with Belac. JAke happy to read on his kindle and watch the olympics and was social enough on this day he got up early and finished the course and became a certified Red Cross Lifeguard! We basically just had a wonderful time. Did I need the alcohol? No.
I got on the scale after showering this afternoon. Stunned to see I have lost 3 lbs since last week. I know it's what is concerned too much weight for one week, but I feel good. I did nothing unhealthy or extreme. I just didn't drink alcohol and made smart choices. I ate the delicious eclair tonight that friend was famous for, but skipped the assorted ice cream. I had cheese and crackers and tried all the dips for the veggies, loved the steak but had a modest portion and basically ate constantly, but slowly and mindfully.
It's been a good exercise and I like how I feel. Why stop? Now beginning week 2.
You know, it wasn't hard not to drink. I just explained right away that I was on a detox and everyone respected it. And over dinner we told stories that made me just cry with laughter. And we walked along the trail behind their house after dinner while Belac chased Pokemon with her younger kinds who are absolutely enamored with Belac. JAke happy to read on his kindle and watch the olympics and was social enough on this day he got up early and finished the course and became a certified Red Cross Lifeguard! We basically just had a wonderful time. Did I need the alcohol? No.
I got on the scale after showering this afternoon. Stunned to see I have lost 3 lbs since last week. I know it's what is concerned too much weight for one week, but I feel good. I did nothing unhealthy or extreme. I just didn't drink alcohol and made smart choices. I ate the delicious eclair tonight that friend was famous for, but skipped the assorted ice cream. I had cheese and crackers and tried all the dips for the veggies, loved the steak but had a modest portion and basically ate constantly, but slowly and mindfully.
It's been a good exercise and I like how I feel. Why stop? Now beginning week 2.
professional materials
It's been 7 days since hubby and I have touched a drop of alcohol. We have also been eating a lot less and curiously, because we simply haven't desired extra. And that's what the studies show: drinking causes increased eating by even as much as 30% more calories at dinner.
Everyday for a week I have consumed no more than 1400 calories. It's been pretty easy, actually. But we also haven't eaten out at all or with others. Tonight will be a test of sorts. We're going to Olivia's for her hubby's 50th birthday. I will eat a steak and there is no way I can politely say no to whatever extravagant dessert Olivia is probably baking as I write. As for the wine, I am not going there. I told hubby, of course you have to share a glass of something with the birthday boy! I will be the designated driver.
I feel good. I spent two long days on my new website and like the results. I also started listening to my old recordings, in order to post to my new website, and what a total eye opener. I was nervous listening to myself in performances at Weill Recital Hall over a decade ago, but I was kind of flabbergasted. Sure, I wish my Beethoven had a little more pedal all over and some of the dynamic contrasts could have been better. I think the mic might have been too close sometimes for real resonance. But in general I listened and thought, wow! I did have conviction back then. Somehow I thought I only developed it now and over time. I definitely went where I needed to go without apparent fear, I took chances. But I also know what was going on in my head, those days, distracted by my need for technical perfection in a NYC flashy, shiny kind of way in contrast to now, where I feel more free and like, meh! Go for it, say something! Even at risk of a few wrong notes.... And I'm laughing now, remembering the fear hubby described turning my pages in Italy. At times, Olivia and I really pushed our boundaries, there was one almost reckless movement in the Brahms Sonata where hubby was 'falling off his chair' as Olivia and I raced off, together, at such a clip. He worried about impending disaster and was both relieved and impressed when this movement vanished into thin air, as marked, and thrown off like it was nothing, but only for a brief few seconds before we burst right into the Appassionato last movement. Not sure we could have dared this 20 years ago....
My letter is definitely in people's mailboxes. One child's parent wrote to reserve a Friday lesson time. I haven't heard from the others yet. I could lose all of them and be okay with starting again, as long as the other 3 of 4 serious students from the week end sign up for weekday lessons. I will make financial accommodations as necessary but have refrained from my sloppy habits of offering them up front. My website is out and published and hopefully an important reminder that I might still be of good value despite the inconveniences. I printed up new glossy business cards, too, ready to give out to any of the 108 guests of a local wedding I'm playing tomorrow.
I'm open for business!
Everyday for a week I have consumed no more than 1400 calories. It's been pretty easy, actually. But we also haven't eaten out at all or with others. Tonight will be a test of sorts. We're going to Olivia's for her hubby's 50th birthday. I will eat a steak and there is no way I can politely say no to whatever extravagant dessert Olivia is probably baking as I write. As for the wine, I am not going there. I told hubby, of course you have to share a glass of something with the birthday boy! I will be the designated driver.
I feel good. I spent two long days on my new website and like the results. I also started listening to my old recordings, in order to post to my new website, and what a total eye opener. I was nervous listening to myself in performances at Weill Recital Hall over a decade ago, but I was kind of flabbergasted. Sure, I wish my Beethoven had a little more pedal all over and some of the dynamic contrasts could have been better. I think the mic might have been too close sometimes for real resonance. But in general I listened and thought, wow! I did have conviction back then. Somehow I thought I only developed it now and over time. I definitely went where I needed to go without apparent fear, I took chances. But I also know what was going on in my head, those days, distracted by my need for technical perfection in a NYC flashy, shiny kind of way in contrast to now, where I feel more free and like, meh! Go for it, say something! Even at risk of a few wrong notes.... And I'm laughing now, remembering the fear hubby described turning my pages in Italy. At times, Olivia and I really pushed our boundaries, there was one almost reckless movement in the Brahms Sonata where hubby was 'falling off his chair' as Olivia and I raced off, together, at such a clip. He worried about impending disaster and was both relieved and impressed when this movement vanished into thin air, as marked, and thrown off like it was nothing, but only for a brief few seconds before we burst right into the Appassionato last movement. Not sure we could have dared this 20 years ago....
My letter is definitely in people's mailboxes. One child's parent wrote to reserve a Friday lesson time. I haven't heard from the others yet. I could lose all of them and be okay with starting again, as long as the other 3 of 4 serious students from the week end sign up for weekday lessons. I will make financial accommodations as necessary but have refrained from my sloppy habits of offering them up front. My website is out and published and hopefully an important reminder that I might still be of good value despite the inconveniences. I printed up new glossy business cards, too, ready to give out to any of the 108 guests of a local wedding I'm playing tomorrow.
I'm open for business!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
the business
Decided on the music. She is a Jewish girl marrying a non Jewish man. There will basically be no Jewish music and all non-religious "Traditional." Pachelbel Cannon, Handel, light Classical.... 108 people are coming. And you know what I realized as we were going through the details and melodies? Today is the day to make business cards.
I ran out of them a year ago and never replenished. And now I'm probably about to lose students and need to build up again. The venue is just a few miles away from the house and there will people who will ask for it. I need cards. And a new website.
Important things to do.
I ran out of them a year ago and never replenished. And now I'm probably about to lose students and need to build up again. The venue is just a few miles away from the house and there will people who will ask for it. I need cards. And a new website.
Important things to do.
no moderation
This morning, the Hebrew School principal who I also consider a good friend, comes over. She's getting married this Sunday and I'm playing for her wedding. And this time, I remembered and cleaned up. I'm also out of my pajamas. I look together and just feel better that all is in order. I realized something, last night. I am not a person of moderation.
If it's going to be clean, it all has to be clean. And cleaned well. Yesterday, timing Jake in treading water, I let him think he was doing only 2 minutes even as it got so increasingly hard for him and I let him go until 2 minutes 16 seconds. After all, would they start the timer when he jumped in or only after his head surfaced after the jump? And as for the drinking.... Here on day 6, I'm thinking, you know what? Why deal with the hassle of monitoring for 'moderation'? What a headache. Let's just keep it simple. What if I just don't drink anymore?
It's when I do a half assed job of things that I become a head case. When no is no, it's just easier. No, I'm not teaching week ends. No exceptions. And you know what happened? When hubby realized this morning that the kids and I could be at his triathlon on the Long Island Sound, this year, I found myself smiling. Oh, yeah! I will now be free on Sundays and so will the kids, with no more Hebrew School. The Sunday mornings we used to trek up and down Bear Mountain and other places out in nature will be back. Hopefully we will make good use of the time.
So it's day 6. No alcohol and watching what I eat. I have been incredibly thirsty for 2 days, needing to drink water all of the time. It is totally weird but maybe it's my body wanting to cleanse itself from all the alcohol and heavy eating of summer. And I don't know if it's my imagination but I think my skin looks and feels better, I know it's just 6 days but still! My legs don't feel dry, my complexion appears more even, and I feel more clear eyed over all.
Hubby's triathlons are Labor Day Wknd and September 25. He has suggested that after 9/25 that if we drink, we should just not drink during the week. I asked him how he'd feel about my not drinking at all. Would it change how we are? How we socialize? Do you think I'd alienate our friends by not joining in? For him the hard time is after the kids are in bed and he can be on the couch, watching something or reading online. And also, when he's outside barbeque-ing and would like a beer or scotch in hand. That's when he wants a drink. For me, its when we are just sitting down to dinner. And then there have been other times when he's been away and I'm sitting at the kitchen island devouring the news of the day, while sipping wine with hand in a huge bag of chips. That, I cringe and have to say, is the WORST indulgence of all. Especially considering hubby will soon be gone 3 nights a week!
So let's just see where this goes. This diet and detox. I gained 12 pounds in 3 years and am more than ever motivated to change and get myself on track. To pull myself off of slippery slopes, make arrangements to get paid properly, to be the best I can be and present. I don't want to be a fat, middle-aged lady looking forward to wine at dinner and always just wishing. Just do it. Keep it simple. So far, so good.
If it's going to be clean, it all has to be clean. And cleaned well. Yesterday, timing Jake in treading water, I let him think he was doing only 2 minutes even as it got so increasingly hard for him and I let him go until 2 minutes 16 seconds. After all, would they start the timer when he jumped in or only after his head surfaced after the jump? And as for the drinking.... Here on day 6, I'm thinking, you know what? Why deal with the hassle of monitoring for 'moderation'? What a headache. Let's just keep it simple. What if I just don't drink anymore?
It's when I do a half assed job of things that I become a head case. When no is no, it's just easier. No, I'm not teaching week ends. No exceptions. And you know what happened? When hubby realized this morning that the kids and I could be at his triathlon on the Long Island Sound, this year, I found myself smiling. Oh, yeah! I will now be free on Sundays and so will the kids, with no more Hebrew School. The Sunday mornings we used to trek up and down Bear Mountain and other places out in nature will be back. Hopefully we will make good use of the time.
So it's day 6. No alcohol and watching what I eat. I have been incredibly thirsty for 2 days, needing to drink water all of the time. It is totally weird but maybe it's my body wanting to cleanse itself from all the alcohol and heavy eating of summer. And I don't know if it's my imagination but I think my skin looks and feels better, I know it's just 6 days but still! My legs don't feel dry, my complexion appears more even, and I feel more clear eyed over all.
Hubby's triathlons are Labor Day Wknd and September 25. He has suggested that after 9/25 that if we drink, we should just not drink during the week. I asked him how he'd feel about my not drinking at all. Would it change how we are? How we socialize? Do you think I'd alienate our friends by not joining in? For him the hard time is after the kids are in bed and he can be on the couch, watching something or reading online. And also, when he's outside barbeque-ing and would like a beer or scotch in hand. That's when he wants a drink. For me, its when we are just sitting down to dinner. And then there have been other times when he's been away and I'm sitting at the kitchen island devouring the news of the day, while sipping wine with hand in a huge bag of chips. That, I cringe and have to say, is the WORST indulgence of all. Especially considering hubby will soon be gone 3 nights a week!
So let's just see where this goes. This diet and detox. I gained 12 pounds in 3 years and am more than ever motivated to change and get myself on track. To pull myself off of slippery slopes, make arrangements to get paid properly, to be the best I can be and present. I don't want to be a fat, middle-aged lady looking forward to wine at dinner and always just wishing. Just do it. Keep it simple. So far, so good.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
water
Two cups of coffee with cream and sugar in the morning and then it's been water, all day long. And I've been thirsty. No alcohol. Limited meat. Hubby has been doing the same. Both of our bodies are adjusting. And you know what's strange? We are inclined to eat less.
The first few days he felt sluggish during exercise and did not perform well. Today was better, he told me. I don't feel that much different, yet, except maybe a little less bloated? I did laps in the pool today and yesterday and feel fine....
It's been 5 nights of not a sip of alcohol and a greater awareness of what we consume. I'm using a "lose it" app. Alcohol is expensive calorie and money wise. Keep this up and I think we will start to see pretty significant results soon.... Hubby would like to continue this at least until both triathlons are over. I would like for both of us to keep on this path as long as we can, even beyond. We're both heavier than we've ever been and the truth is, I think we shouldn't be drinking the way we have all summer, starting with Italy when we were wined and dined at every meal.
Saturday we have a steak dinner with Olivia to celebrate her hubby's 50th. I have decided I will eat the steak but not have wine. Hubby will also have a steak but one glass of wine, he is worried about appearing anti-social and it's her hubby's birthday... Another test of how we fare is the following week, when we have Friday night dinner at our house with some pretty heavy drinkers.... How will it change things? Will we appear holier than thou? Party poopers? We will open up wine and only they will drink?
I do think we have to at least say something before these dinners so we aren't making people uncomfortable when they're with us. I'm not worried about wanting a drink, but more concerned that others will not feel free or uncomfortable. Interesting to see how it all goes...
The first few days he felt sluggish during exercise and did not perform well. Today was better, he told me. I don't feel that much different, yet, except maybe a little less bloated? I did laps in the pool today and yesterday and feel fine....
It's been 5 nights of not a sip of alcohol and a greater awareness of what we consume. I'm using a "lose it" app. Alcohol is expensive calorie and money wise. Keep this up and I think we will start to see pretty significant results soon.... Hubby would like to continue this at least until both triathlons are over. I would like for both of us to keep on this path as long as we can, even beyond. We're both heavier than we've ever been and the truth is, I think we shouldn't be drinking the way we have all summer, starting with Italy when we were wined and dined at every meal.
Saturday we have a steak dinner with Olivia to celebrate her hubby's 50th. I have decided I will eat the steak but not have wine. Hubby will also have a steak but one glass of wine, he is worried about appearing anti-social and it's her hubby's birthday... Another test of how we fare is the following week, when we have Friday night dinner at our house with some pretty heavy drinkers.... How will it change things? Will we appear holier than thou? Party poopers? We will open up wine and only they will drink?
I do think we have to at least say something before these dinners so we aren't making people uncomfortable when they're with us. I'm not worried about wanting a drink, but more concerned that others will not feel free or uncomfortable. Interesting to see how it all goes...
declined
Last night, a dad and I spoke. He and his daughter had come to me via the piano teacher in town. His daughter is a strong, intermediate pianist and we had had a trial lesson in June. They wanted lessons with me on the week ends.... And so it happened. First time I ever turned down a student and a very good one at that. I thought I'd be stressed but felt better, surprisingly, hanging up. It's the right thing to do.
Even though the take over of hubby's company has been delayed yet again (and to October), we need to exert effort to preserve limited family time. I will teach until 6:15 on Fridays, but no longer on Saturday or Sundays.
Even though the take over of hubby's company has been delayed yet again (and to October), we need to exert effort to preserve limited family time. I will teach until 6:15 on Fridays, but no longer on Saturday or Sundays.
home
Paid bills, this morning. The kitchen was askew, clutter over everything, dirty floor. I have been feeling liberated in a healthy way. With the new studio kept spic and span, and a separate door to the main house, we can now just live. And then, of course, Belac's friend's mom knocked on the door at 9am. I forgot she was coming! I was still in pajamas. I cleared off space on the island and put on coffee, wiped down the table. And for the next 3 hours we talked and I helped her with bar mitzvah stuff.
First, though, we talked about school. And then I found myself telling her about Belac's horrible 6th grade year. I am so removed from it at this point, all of us are in such a better, stronger place since then, I forgot just how terrible all of it was until I saw her face in her hands saying Oh My God, oh my god...! I can't believe you didn't report this, though! Not even tell the mother...!! But to have child protective services at MY house, everyday? I replied, and who would be believed, Monique? That Honor Roll kid or my special needs kid? You don't think that the kid would turn around and say it was Belac who took advantage of him? That his diagnosis wouldn't be used against him? And that they wouldn't turn around and say it was my fault, the negligent mother, who had her back turned for 20 minutes? She was speechless, her son is on the spectrum, too. And even if nothing was found at our house, you don't think there wouldn't be some cloud of suspicion hanging over us? Ultimately it was not in our best interest to tell anyone, and as for the boy... well, I hope he gets help but I will not sacrifice Belac for it. I have to take care of MY boy and she, hers.
I understand why victims often don't say anything until they're adults. They worry about being believed. They are ashamed and don't want to be identified as having been taken advantage of. They are vulnerable. And in this case, this aggressive behavior came from another child. A boy. He is a manipulator and very smart, I see more clearly from afar, and has a very mean streak. If there was ever a false and public accusation against Belac, Belac would never survive it. Telling would do more damage than good. (Although I do know that Belac later told the kid, this could never happen again and that I (his mom) knew about it....)
Josh just stopped by. The boys are playing 3 way Minecraft. In an hour, we go to the pool, where Jake has to practice swimming, treading water and surface diving for his certification. And it just makes me realize what a lucky position I am in to be able to be with the kids most of the time and keep up with what they are doing. Both of Josh's parents are not home all day. Responsible as he is, I wouldn't allow this in a million years. I'd send him to camp if there wasn't more daily oversight.... These days, I am working on micromanaging less and trying to be more positive (Jake's request), and there is plenty more I need to do to be a 'better' mom, but I'm glad I get to see things out of the corner of my eye. I'm grateful I was home the day the boy shut the door behind them in Belac's room, and that I later thought to ask him specifically what had happened in there. I'm also lucky that he trusted me enough to tell, even though he worried I'd get upset.
I will never regret being home and mostly home with my kids, even at the expense of not having a fancy job with my Juilliard doctorate. In a few years, they will soon be off on their own ways and for now they are my main priority.
First, though, we talked about school. And then I found myself telling her about Belac's horrible 6th grade year. I am so removed from it at this point, all of us are in such a better, stronger place since then, I forgot just how terrible all of it was until I saw her face in her hands saying Oh My God, oh my god...! I can't believe you didn't report this, though! Not even tell the mother...!! But to have child protective services at MY house, everyday? I replied, and who would be believed, Monique? That Honor Roll kid or my special needs kid? You don't think that the kid would turn around and say it was Belac who took advantage of him? That his diagnosis wouldn't be used against him? And that they wouldn't turn around and say it was my fault, the negligent mother, who had her back turned for 20 minutes? She was speechless, her son is on the spectrum, too. And even if nothing was found at our house, you don't think there wouldn't be some cloud of suspicion hanging over us? Ultimately it was not in our best interest to tell anyone, and as for the boy... well, I hope he gets help but I will not sacrifice Belac for it. I have to take care of MY boy and she, hers.
I understand why victims often don't say anything until they're adults. They worry about being believed. They are ashamed and don't want to be identified as having been taken advantage of. They are vulnerable. And in this case, this aggressive behavior came from another child. A boy. He is a manipulator and very smart, I see more clearly from afar, and has a very mean streak. If there was ever a false and public accusation against Belac, Belac would never survive it. Telling would do more damage than good. (Although I do know that Belac later told the kid, this could never happen again and that I (his mom) knew about it....)
Josh just stopped by. The boys are playing 3 way Minecraft. In an hour, we go to the pool, where Jake has to practice swimming, treading water and surface diving for his certification. And it just makes me realize what a lucky position I am in to be able to be with the kids most of the time and keep up with what they are doing. Both of Josh's parents are not home all day. Responsible as he is, I wouldn't allow this in a million years. I'd send him to camp if there wasn't more daily oversight.... These days, I am working on micromanaging less and trying to be more positive (Jake's request), and there is plenty more I need to do to be a 'better' mom, but I'm glad I get to see things out of the corner of my eye. I'm grateful I was home the day the boy shut the door behind them in Belac's room, and that I later thought to ask him specifically what had happened in there. I'm also lucky that he trusted me enough to tell, even though he worried I'd get upset.
I will never regret being home and mostly home with my kids, even at the expense of not having a fancy job with my Juilliard doctorate. In a few years, they will soon be off on their own ways and for now they are my main priority.
Science
Watching Jake write letters to the Science teacher and his Guidance Counselor. We had looked over his grades at the portal. And found that he had earned an overall grade of 89 in Science with a 94 on the Regents Exam. Why was his grade not reflecting mid 90s test scores all year long? Missing homework.
We talked about it and had talked about it. How he felt that his Science class, this year, was so 'stupid' and not challenging. But how he had to turn EVERYTHING in or it would reflect poorly on his overall grade and there would be nothing we could do about it. And here he is. If he had gotten just 1 point more, in my opinion I didn't say, the case would be easier to make. It's frustrating for him. It's frustrating for me.
So he's sending letters asking if he can be admitted based on his test scores and a new promise to keep on top of his work. We will see what happens. I hope so.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
studio
If I can go back to back and not let anyone linger, I could still get a lot of students squeezed into my week, even not teaching on week ends. But do I really want to do that? As it is, I find it difficult to get everything covered in these predominantly 30 minute lessons. All of my lessons should be 45 minute ones, but most don't want it and don't want to pay for it. I never had 30 minute lessons growing up, they were always 45. And then 90. And then I was trekking to U of M or Oberlin for lessons, taking up half a day. Times and priorities have changed.
The local piano teacher in town and I are very, very friendly. We had a long chat, yesterday, and gave each other advice about billing and scheduling. She told me how she has the kids in and out, in and out, everyday and on week ends. No lingering, always back to back. If people are late, there is a student coming in next and that's that, no taking from personal time. How she teaches into the evening. She has a gazillion students, none of them come with parents, she doesn't do a big recital. I mean this would really stress me out. I really need the recitals and performance classes through the year to motivate the kids, and they really need the practice playing for others. The kids who have parents who stay during lessons, even if in another room, are my best students. I encourage it. And I really think you have to work on technique and skills at every lesson, not just rep. And real music. If I had that many students and not much time with them, I'd feel totally inadequate about what I was doing. But she has a point, none of them are bound for careers in music....
And I really have just one student who - if she wanted - could possibly do something in music. It is the younger of 2 girls who study both violin and piano with me. The older one practices but plays too politely and certainly has the discipline but not the passion and temperament. The younger, although still a goody two shoes, quiet type, is different. She has a certain discipline, too, but she gets excited and wants to learn more and more music and just eats it all up. Over the years she has crawled out of her shell and has become confident playing in front of people, everything always from memory and very naturally poised. She has potential.
How many students will leave me? I'm not sure. There's one kid that doesn't practice and I had to chase the parents down for a $400 check this summer. I wouldn't be unhappy if he moved on. The point is. I have a lot of trouble teaching the ones that are uncommitted and don't practice, and am not like the local teacher who will teach anyone as long as you pay. Better for me to charge more and get the students that are more committed, even if that means fewer students. Gimky, you have to raise your rates! the local piano teacher told me, yesterday. We absolutely cannot be the same price, she exclaimed, and proceeded to rattle off other rates in the area.
I did not realize to what degree others were raking it in. But you know, it's a big correction for me, which is going to be a hard leap for my students. I haven't changed my rate in 10 years. Ella made the observation that with the new professional studio, this is the year to make the rate correction and to formalize my policies. Reset and build again, as necessary. I will be the same price as the other Juilliard doc in the town next door and still cheaper than the nearby Amadeus Conservatory.
Deep breath. I just have to drop these letters in the mail and hope for the best.
The local piano teacher in town and I are very, very friendly. We had a long chat, yesterday, and gave each other advice about billing and scheduling. She told me how she has the kids in and out, in and out, everyday and on week ends. No lingering, always back to back. If people are late, there is a student coming in next and that's that, no taking from personal time. How she teaches into the evening. She has a gazillion students, none of them come with parents, she doesn't do a big recital. I mean this would really stress me out. I really need the recitals and performance classes through the year to motivate the kids, and they really need the practice playing for others. The kids who have parents who stay during lessons, even if in another room, are my best students. I encourage it. And I really think you have to work on technique and skills at every lesson, not just rep. And real music. If I had that many students and not much time with them, I'd feel totally inadequate about what I was doing. But she has a point, none of them are bound for careers in music....
And I really have just one student who - if she wanted - could possibly do something in music. It is the younger of 2 girls who study both violin and piano with me. The older one practices but plays too politely and certainly has the discipline but not the passion and temperament. The younger, although still a goody two shoes, quiet type, is different. She has a certain discipline, too, but she gets excited and wants to learn more and more music and just eats it all up. Over the years she has crawled out of her shell and has become confident playing in front of people, everything always from memory and very naturally poised. She has potential.
How many students will leave me? I'm not sure. There's one kid that doesn't practice and I had to chase the parents down for a $400 check this summer. I wouldn't be unhappy if he moved on. The point is. I have a lot of trouble teaching the ones that are uncommitted and don't practice, and am not like the local teacher who will teach anyone as long as you pay. Better for me to charge more and get the students that are more committed, even if that means fewer students. Gimky, you have to raise your rates! the local piano teacher told me, yesterday. We absolutely cannot be the same price, she exclaimed, and proceeded to rattle off other rates in the area.
I did not realize to what degree others were raking it in. But you know, it's a big correction for me, which is going to be a hard leap for my students. I haven't changed my rate in 10 years. Ella made the observation that with the new professional studio, this is the year to make the rate correction and to formalize my policies. Reset and build again, as necessary. I will be the same price as the other Juilliard doc in the town next door and still cheaper than the nearby Amadeus Conservatory.
Deep breath. I just have to drop these letters in the mail and hope for the best.
Monday, August 15, 2016
reset
Third night of no alcohol, no red meat and limited meat. Lots of water. It's really only after dinner is ready to go and I'm sitting down that I miss having something 'special' to drink at the end of the day. Although, hubby has joked, as long as we have sex everyday giving up alcohol and red meat is not a problem. For me, by the time we are up washing dishes, the feeling of wanting a glass of wine passes. But now it's hot. Right now it's all about water. Lots of it, and a cup of coffee in the morning. What will it be like tomorrow? or the day after?
I have noticed hubby snoring much less. Though he notices that he has less stamina in exercise, these days. But he also has been eating a half bagel instead of whole in the morning. Lunch he told me was yogurt and something else. And tonight was salmon, rice and spinach. He hasn't been consuming the calories he usually does. And again, it's been hot!
Let's see how it goes and how we feel as the days continue. This Saturday night we have our first sip of wine and bites of beef at Olivia's for dinner. Or maybe I'll skip the wine and just have the beef. It's her hubby's 50th birthday. How will we feel? Will we appear like downers if we don't drink? And then let's see what the day after brings. Back to our usual habits? Or a continuation of this exercise?
Definitely much easier doing this together. Don't quite know what to think yet as I don't really feel very different, but I'd love to get rid of my tire along with pulling myself out of some bad habits I've gotten myself into. We'll see.
I have noticed hubby snoring much less. Though he notices that he has less stamina in exercise, these days. But he also has been eating a half bagel instead of whole in the morning. Lunch he told me was yogurt and something else. And tonight was salmon, rice and spinach. He hasn't been consuming the calories he usually does. And again, it's been hot!
Let's see how it goes and how we feel as the days continue. This Saturday night we have our first sip of wine and bites of beef at Olivia's for dinner. Or maybe I'll skip the wine and just have the beef. It's her hubby's 50th birthday. How will we feel? Will we appear like downers if we don't drink? And then let's see what the day after brings. Back to our usual habits? Or a continuation of this exercise?
Definitely much easier doing this together. Don't quite know what to think yet as I don't really feel very different, but I'd love to get rid of my tire along with pulling myself out of some bad habits I've gotten myself into. We'll see.
work day
Slaved away on a letter to my studio, informing them I'd no longer be teaching on week ends, would be raising my rates and adjusting my payment policy to paying monthly, first of every month, or week to week. It's like dropping a bomb in the most not too apologetic but understanding way. It was the hardest letter I needed to write.
And while this happened, Jake slaved away on his Red Cross online course and exam. It took him 10 hours. There were computer glitches I had to help him with and call tech support about. And so many of the questions were written so badly!! I understood his frustration.
And Belac spent the day coding and reading and out on his scooter. We never got to the pool and he lamented over that. But what could we do? There were pressing issues to finish.
I printed out my letters and the lesson/performance class schedule, just finished addressing envelopes. They are ready to be sent out first thing in the morning. Paper copies. I don't want to make it so easy for anyone to forward my letter by email, even if in .pdf. I don't want someone hitting 'reply' prematurely to me with an emotional response. Let them read over this letter and have a few extra seconds to go to their computer or phone to respond about what they are going to do.
It's really 4 students I want to make sure to retain from the bunch in this transition. But these are the ones that also come on Sundays with their parents. I wrote personalized messages on the letters. On one, I wrote "let's talk and make an arrangement" knowing this would be hard for them and they have 3 lessons a week...
Hubby in bed, I have to push the kids into bed and the dog is scratching my leg for his walk. Time to go! But what a relief to have gotten this done.
And while this happened, Jake slaved away on his Red Cross online course and exam. It took him 10 hours. There were computer glitches I had to help him with and call tech support about. And so many of the questions were written so badly!! I understood his frustration.
And Belac spent the day coding and reading and out on his scooter. We never got to the pool and he lamented over that. But what could we do? There were pressing issues to finish.
I printed out my letters and the lesson/performance class schedule, just finished addressing envelopes. They are ready to be sent out first thing in the morning. Paper copies. I don't want to make it so easy for anyone to forward my letter by email, even if in .pdf. I don't want someone hitting 'reply' prematurely to me with an emotional response. Let them read over this letter and have a few extra seconds to go to their computer or phone to respond about what they are going to do.
It's really 4 students I want to make sure to retain from the bunch in this transition. But these are the ones that also come on Sundays with their parents. I wrote personalized messages on the letters. On one, I wrote "let's talk and make an arrangement" knowing this would be hard for them and they have 3 lessons a week...
Hubby in bed, I have to push the kids into bed and the dog is scratching my leg for his walk. Time to go! But what a relief to have gotten this done.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
new computer
Hubby just called to let me know what they're buying. I had sent him and Belac a list of recommended computers for coding and programming as they were off, looking at options. We had decided that it's time for Belac to have his own laptop to take with him. No more waiting for someone to be off the family computer to edit his movies or continue with his progress with Kahn Academy or being away and feeling antsy to work on any of his projects. For the past week, he kept thumbing excitedly through a book we gave him of programming projects, causing him to be even more restless to be at home and near the computer.
He films, animates, animates illustrations, and is now making basic games with python and was exposed to Java in his last class. It's all he ever talks about in depth and quite clearly a passion. He wants to attend all of the programs Jake did, this summer, at McGill and U of M, and when he heard there was a computer science program at Oberlin during our visit and a very advanced game making class offered yearly....
Of course we bought him his own computer; I am certain he will put it to fantastic, productive use. Arrives in 1 week.
He films, animates, animates illustrations, and is now making basic games with python and was exposed to Java in his last class. It's all he ever talks about in depth and quite clearly a passion. He wants to attend all of the programs Jake did, this summer, at McGill and U of M, and when he heard there was a computer science program at Oberlin during our visit and a very advanced game making class offered yearly....
Of course we bought him his own computer; I am certain he will put it to fantastic, productive use. Arrives in 1 week.
jake in training
Making a large frittata with spinach, sausage and mozzarella cheese. It will be ready after hubby and Jake get back from the barber and swim laps at the pool.
Hubby has his tri coming up and training with flippers whenever he can. Jake has prequalifications for Red Cross Lifeguard training and needs to practice laps, diving 7-10 feet from within water to retrieve a brick, and tread water 2 minutes with his hands under his armpits. Does he totally want to do this? Not exactly, though he had agreed to it earlier this summer and is doing it without pressure.
He's a kid who hasn't been exactly excited by a passion, and yet after this summer he's keen on programming. This morning, even before I helped him with a to do list, I found him in the porch. Reading what? A C++ book. Under a blanket, exactly as if he had nose in kindle. This is an awesome development. For the past while, though, we've talked a lot about putting himself out there and trying different things and this was one of those things he agreed to try. He also knows that with the certification, he can get a job at the town pool next year or try to get a job as a camp counselor.
Glad he's doing it and that he has this time to bond with hubby.
Hubby has his tri coming up and training with flippers whenever he can. Jake has prequalifications for Red Cross Lifeguard training and needs to practice laps, diving 7-10 feet from within water to retrieve a brick, and tread water 2 minutes with his hands under his armpits. Does he totally want to do this? Not exactly, though he had agreed to it earlier this summer and is doing it without pressure.
He's a kid who hasn't been exactly excited by a passion, and yet after this summer he's keen on programming. This morning, even before I helped him with a to do list, I found him in the porch. Reading what? A C++ book. Under a blanket, exactly as if he had nose in kindle. This is an awesome development. For the past while, though, we've talked a lot about putting himself out there and trying different things and this was one of those things he agreed to try. He also knows that with the certification, he can get a job at the town pool next year or try to get a job as a camp counselor.
Glad he's doing it and that he has this time to bond with hubby.
Careful
Tightening our belt after an extravagant but wonderful summer.
Meal planned for most of the week. Stocked up on laundry detergent and toilet paper, shopped for food and healthy snacks. $200.26 total after $35 in savings with my store card.
Happy to not eat in a restaurant for awhile and regain some control!
Meal planned for most of the week. Stocked up on laundry detergent and toilet paper, shopped for food and healthy snacks. $200.26 total after $35 in savings with my store card.
Happy to not eat in a restaurant for awhile and regain some control!
TO DO LISTS
JACOB:
Unpack fully
1. Clean clothes put away
2. Dirty clothes in basement
3. Suitcase in cubby
Organize closet - I can help if you need
Red Cross online course: due Tuesday morning
Begin and finish Star Wars book for the HS club
C++ book
CALEB:
Unpack fully
Code with new book - Python
Continue with progress on kahn academy
Read
Draw
ME:
Unpack
Do Laundry
Grocery Shop
Letters to students
Mail and bills
Unpack fully
1. Clean clothes put away
2. Dirty clothes in basement
3. Suitcase in cubby
Organize closet - I can help if you need
Red Cross online course: due Tuesday morning
Begin and finish Star Wars book for the HS club
C++ book
CALEB:
Unpack fully
Code with new book - Python
Continue with progress on kahn academy
Read
Draw
ME:
Unpack
Do Laundry
Grocery Shop
Letters to students
Mail and bills
home
Long day of driving which included a pit stop at Oberlin. 1st time back in 24 years!
Woke up at home, in our ac'ed room. Dog at my feet. The hall is like 100 degrees.
Hubby and I are experimenting with a sort of detox. On the way home, we agreed to eat little meat, and consume no red meat or alcohol for at least 7 days. Eating dinner at 11pm, we ate baby carrots and pulled out dumplings, edamame, and a chicken pizza from the freezer, all drank a load of water.
I have felt in need of an intervention. A reset. And I think that it will help if both of us do it together.
I'm home!! Getting up and out. Wondering if my garden died in this heat. Want to check on my piano which endured this humidity and heat. And we are in dire need of groceries, especially vegetables. Home sweet home, glad to be home!
Woke up at home, in our ac'ed room. Dog at my feet. The hall is like 100 degrees.
Hubby and I are experimenting with a sort of detox. On the way home, we agreed to eat little meat, and consume no red meat or alcohol for at least 7 days. Eating dinner at 11pm, we ate baby carrots and pulled out dumplings, edamame, and a chicken pizza from the freezer, all drank a load of water.
I have felt in need of an intervention. A reset. And I think that it will help if both of us do it together.
I'm home!! Getting up and out. Wondering if my garden died in this heat. Want to check on my piano which endured this humidity and heat. And we are in dire need of groceries, especially vegetables. Home sweet home, glad to be home!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Mommy
I should be changing my suit and joining my family at the pool, but I'm just enjoying these moments of quiet. I snapped a few pictures before bringing groceries to the condo. And the silence is wonderful. We putt putt at Pirates Cove and watched the kids drive. Hubby swam in the lake. We got the battery changed in my RAV4, needing to get it boosted twice, today....
Of course I love my family. But sometimes enough is enough. Watching my mom act so 'tired' at the lunch table that she pretended not to be awake but then she insisted on driving home even when I suggested that she not. How sometimes she can hear and other times she cannot and is so unfailingly inconsistent it drives me crazy. How she will talk to anyone else but her family and then with family, sit on her phone doing I don't know what.
And it's just not easy being on vacay with my family of 4 AND everyone else. tuscany seems a lifetime away. It makes me sad. Is something wrong with us? I asked hubby. Despite having a great time, most of the time, Hubby and I have snapped at each other more than once and whenever he gets impatient about anything, I get mad at him for being impatient and admittedly, there's been plenty to get impatient about!
Okay I will get my suit on. Try not to worry about or micromanage the kids, one of whom I left screaming and laughing for joy in the pool with his cousins and the other, trying to find a big enough clearing to fly his kite.
Pulling on my suit. I'm going to be a good mommy.
Of course I love my family. But sometimes enough is enough. Watching my mom act so 'tired' at the lunch table that she pretended not to be awake but then she insisted on driving home even when I suggested that she not. How sometimes she can hear and other times she cannot and is so unfailingly inconsistent it drives me crazy. How she will talk to anyone else but her family and then with family, sit on her phone doing I don't know what.
And it's just not easy being on vacay with my family of 4 AND everyone else. tuscany seems a lifetime away. It makes me sad. Is something wrong with us? I asked hubby. Despite having a great time, most of the time, Hubby and I have snapped at each other more than once and whenever he gets impatient about anything, I get mad at him for being impatient and admittedly, there's been plenty to get impatient about!
Okay I will get my suit on. Try not to worry about or micromanage the kids, one of whom I left screaming and laughing for joy in the pool with his cousins and the other, trying to find a big enough clearing to fly his kite.
Pulling on my suit. I'm going to be a good mommy.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
mackinac
Off to Mackinac Island with the family for the night. We have our bikes and helmets, swimsuit and a change of clothes. Not so long ago, Jake was riding around the island with training wheels with no ability to brake properly. Belac was on a third wheel off of hubby's bike. And even before that, they were in a tag along. Back then I couldn't imagine the kids ever being able to ride around the island. All of the tears and mishaps and calling to them to 'stay to the right!!' And now here they are. Independent as can be. Me with the equivalent worries, not knowing how they can ever do the next things....
I performed with a cellist a few days ago. Turns out she is an Oberlin grad, too, who went off to get her doctorate. She read my bio and started a conversation with me about it. Turns out she has a kid, too. How old is he? 21. What's he doing? At community college. Does he have friends? One very good friend. Do you think he'll live independently? I'm giving him until 30. Boom, boom, boom, we zipped through our kids' stats in 5 minutes between classes. These conversations are sort of daunting. Do I want that and more for my son? Yes. But if that's what is in store, I have to be happy and grateful about it, too. And encouraging and accepting of what he's able to do, which is still quite a lot.
In this world of people not living to their potential or being ambitious, Belac is not one of them. He is ambitious and pushing himself everyday. In fact I am always having to encourage him to relax and look at his progress, to try to be proud of himself for how far he has come. I am so proud of him even as I sometimes feel that it just isn't fair.
If I look too far ahead, plan too far ahead, and even make too many assumptions about where he will be, it can be overwhelming and emotionally crippling. One day at a time!! Breathe. Enjoy the moment.
I performed with a cellist a few days ago. Turns out she is an Oberlin grad, too, who went off to get her doctorate. She read my bio and started a conversation with me about it. Turns out she has a kid, too. How old is he? 21. What's he doing? At community college. Does he have friends? One very good friend. Do you think he'll live independently? I'm giving him until 30. Boom, boom, boom, we zipped through our kids' stats in 5 minutes between classes. These conversations are sort of daunting. Do I want that and more for my son? Yes. But if that's what is in store, I have to be happy and grateful about it, too. And encouraging and accepting of what he's able to do, which is still quite a lot.
In this world of people not living to their potential or being ambitious, Belac is not one of them. He is ambitious and pushing himself everyday. In fact I am always having to encourage him to relax and look at his progress, to try to be proud of himself for how far he has come. I am so proud of him even as I sometimes feel that it just isn't fair.
If I look too far ahead, plan too far ahead, and even make too many assumptions about where he will be, it can be overwhelming and emotionally crippling. One day at a time!! Breathe. Enjoy the moment.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
lucky us
Wow. My mom was amazing with Belac, tonight. Engaging about a game on his phone. What was the game? What was it called? What are you supposed to do? Can you help me download it on my phone? And on and on they talked and he showed her and they played on the coach. She was right to connect on a topic that interested him and they had good banter.
Wow, I kept telling little sis, she's doing a great job. Wow! Yup, agreed little sis as she blended frozen drinks and I made salads.
It's beautiful out. We are in rocking chairs on a huge balcony overlooking the green below. Hubby in and out, nursing a fire out front to grill meat. We have all hit our strides in simply relaxing.
Hubby, it makes me think the priority should be extending our porch, I told him as we soaked in the breeze and sinking sun while rocking in our chairs. Last night we enjoyed the starry sky in much the same way. He wasn't sure and wondered if the landscaping for a more level yard would be more valuable to us. We'd gather around a firepit on a level area. Something to think about.
Lucky us!
Wow, I kept telling little sis, she's doing a great job. Wow! Yup, agreed little sis as she blended frozen drinks and I made salads.
It's beautiful out. We are in rocking chairs on a huge balcony overlooking the green below. Hubby in and out, nursing a fire out front to grill meat. We have all hit our strides in simply relaxing.
Hubby, it makes me think the priority should be extending our porch, I told him as we soaked in the breeze and sinking sun while rocking in our chairs. Last night we enjoyed the starry sky in much the same way. He wasn't sure and wondered if the landscaping for a more level yard would be more valuable to us. We'd gather around a firepit on a level area. Something to think about.
Lucky us!
beach bum
Lazing on the beach and reading, chatting with sisters and drinking wine. Hubby and boys up in the field trying to fly a kite. A la Charlie Brown. When have I ever been so relaxed with family. Far away from anyone's household. Snacks and no schedule. My mom, dad and BIL playing golf...
How could he not have balanced his books for a year. Gotten to this point, just one day before checks had to be cut and delivered, to find out there was no money in the account? Short 25k? How did this happen? I am the first to admit I am not a business person. Always cutting deals with people and not being paid my full rate, always donating time and stuff... But I know what I'm doing, what I'm earning and hubby is earning, relative to what we are spending. To not have looked at his balance in a year? To be short and short on that kind of scale? And to be held accountable just the night before checks are to be paid and causing his sister and others to wire their savings?
He just got engaged and she's there witnessing this all. I wonder how I'd react to find out hubby had mismanaged on that scale as we were making plans to marry. Or vice versa. Hubby knew I was poor and lived hand to mouth, but I was on top of it, didn't have anything but student debt, which I paid every month. If I discovered hubby was spending what he didn't have, wasn't even paying attention, personally I'd be very concerned. He would not be the person he appeared to be to me.
I don't want to judge. I don't know anything about this man's life. But let's just put it this way. It was a great 2 summer run for me and that may be it. I'm grateful for the intense teaching experience of some very talented and motivated kids and the opportunity to catch up with so many people!
How could he not have balanced his books for a year. Gotten to this point, just one day before checks had to be cut and delivered, to find out there was no money in the account? Short 25k? How did this happen? I am the first to admit I am not a business person. Always cutting deals with people and not being paid my full rate, always donating time and stuff... But I know what I'm doing, what I'm earning and hubby is earning, relative to what we are spending. To not have looked at his balance in a year? To be short and short on that kind of scale? And to be held accountable just the night before checks are to be paid and causing his sister and others to wire their savings?
He just got engaged and she's there witnessing this all. I wonder how I'd react to find out hubby had mismanaged on that scale as we were making plans to marry. Or vice versa. Hubby knew I was poor and lived hand to mouth, but I was on top of it, didn't have anything but student debt, which I paid every month. If I discovered hubby was spending what he didn't have, wasn't even paying attention, personally I'd be very concerned. He would not be the person he appeared to be to me.
I don't want to judge. I don't know anything about this man's life. But let's just put it this way. It was a great 2 summer run for me and that may be it. I'm grateful for the intense teaching experience of some very talented and motivated kids and the opportunity to catch up with so many people!
trembling
Stealing a few minutes to myself on the balcony of our unit. It's shady, breezy and I have full view of the lush golf course green below. It's otherworldly. My family of four is sharing an apartment with my big sis and hubby. My parents with little sis and family. It's wonderful. 16 years in a row we've met up like this in August.
On the last day of the music festival, I had lunch with my childhood friend in Boston. Chatting, chatting. We sat and then I suddenly realized something and had to try not to stare. Was her hand... trembling? I casually and as easily as possible continued talking, while observing out of the corner of my eye. She was spooning salad from her plate to her mouth, and her fork was ever so slightly... trembling? And still later, as she passed a plate to her child to bus, I saw it in her other hand, the plate was moving as she held it out for her child who was resisting taking it from her. Oh God. What was going on? She's a cellist! When did this start? A while ago? And has it gotten worse? Is it just a tremor or is this a bigger problem...? She became a certified yoga instructor, several years ago. She goes to the gym every other day at 5:45am, trading off with her husband, while the other is home with her twins. Is that because of this...? She's beauuuutiful in and out and so in fit. So grounded. An outstanding cellist. And the hand tremors... No doubt about it, there was something wrong. My heart stopped under my smiling exterior, however she did not mention it and neither did I. I couldn't.
And then she disclosed bombshell news. Someone realized he was short 25K and didn't have what to pay faculty. 25 WHAT? 25...K?! Yes, she she was loaning said person thousands of dollars to help cover it. OH MY GOD. Whose responsibility was it to balance the books? I was wondering how we could have that many faculty! Back and forth we went. I later texted, I can get paid next year, I can get paid half, I can donate my pay this year. She wrote back, he will kill me if he finds out I told you. Seriously. Please don't breathe a word. Okay, I replied, no problem! I will not say a thing. xxx
On the last day of the music festival, I had lunch with my childhood friend in Boston. Chatting, chatting. We sat and then I suddenly realized something and had to try not to stare. Was her hand... trembling? I casually and as easily as possible continued talking, while observing out of the corner of my eye. She was spooning salad from her plate to her mouth, and her fork was ever so slightly... trembling? And still later, as she passed a plate to her child to bus, I saw it in her other hand, the plate was moving as she held it out for her child who was resisting taking it from her. Oh God. What was going on? She's a cellist! When did this start? A while ago? And has it gotten worse? Is it just a tremor or is this a bigger problem...? She became a certified yoga instructor, several years ago. She goes to the gym every other day at 5:45am, trading off with her husband, while the other is home with her twins. Is that because of this...? She's beauuuutiful in and out and so in fit. So grounded. An outstanding cellist. And the hand tremors... No doubt about it, there was something wrong. My heart stopped under my smiling exterior, however she did not mention it and neither did I. I couldn't.
And then she disclosed bombshell news. Someone realized he was short 25K and didn't have what to pay faculty. 25 WHAT? 25...K?! Yes, she she was loaning said person thousands of dollars to help cover it. OH MY GOD. Whose responsibility was it to balance the books? I was wondering how we could have that many faculty! Back and forth we went. I later texted, I can get paid next year, I can get paid half, I can donate my pay this year. She wrote back, he will kill me if he finds out I told you. Seriously. Please don't breathe a word. Okay, I replied, no problem! I will not say a thing. xxx
Thursday, August 4, 2016
up north
Done early tonight. It's almost 6 and I'm home. Time to pack and tidy up. Right after work, tomorrow, I drive up to northern Michigan and meet the family and hubby, who is flying up to Traverse City.
Today our conversations are all about commuting logistics, efficiency and money. By next Friday, his company will be owned by new company. And our new life begins. He thinks his car and all of his travel should be based from DC. It's confusing to think this way. After all, his home is here in NY and wherever the family is. Isn't it? And to be a one car household in NY. Not impossible but we have to coordinate.
When hubby has been away, Belac has slept with me in the guest room. Every night we have these amazing conversations. He wants to code better. He's stressed out about school and the amount of work that is in store. We talk about the dog. About his friends, who gets along with who and who doesn't get along with who. He has an interesting perspective and I help him connect the dots. About his wanting to get a good job. And do I think he'll have a girlfriend like Jake? It's sweet and endearing in a way. I don't worry too much because he's able to articulate his feelings and is astonishingly insightful in a way. He is so deep and yet so young and naive. Quirky and inaccessible to a lot of people, but the most connected loyal person one on one.
His success will depend on certain things. Good friends and an accepting, appreciative partner. A certain kind of job and employer. If he's lucky enough to find these circumstances, he's golden. I just don't want him to be alone or to be misunderstood. I want people around him to love him despite all of his quirks. He is the kindest most loyal kind of person you will ever meet. I hope people around him will give him the chance.
Where has Tuscany gone...?
Looking forward to being up north.
Today our conversations are all about commuting logistics, efficiency and money. By next Friday, his company will be owned by new company. And our new life begins. He thinks his car and all of his travel should be based from DC. It's confusing to think this way. After all, his home is here in NY and wherever the family is. Isn't it? And to be a one car household in NY. Not impossible but we have to coordinate.
When hubby has been away, Belac has slept with me in the guest room. Every night we have these amazing conversations. He wants to code better. He's stressed out about school and the amount of work that is in store. We talk about the dog. About his friends, who gets along with who and who doesn't get along with who. He has an interesting perspective and I help him connect the dots. About his wanting to get a good job. And do I think he'll have a girlfriend like Jake? It's sweet and endearing in a way. I don't worry too much because he's able to articulate his feelings and is astonishingly insightful in a way. He is so deep and yet so young and naive. Quirky and inaccessible to a lot of people, but the most connected loyal person one on one.
His success will depend on certain things. Good friends and an accepting, appreciative partner. A certain kind of job and employer. If he's lucky enough to find these circumstances, he's golden. I just don't want him to be alone or to be misunderstood. I want people around him to love him despite all of his quirks. He is the kindest most loyal kind of person you will ever meet. I hope people around him will give him the chance.
Where has Tuscany gone...?
Looking forward to being up north.
Late
Holy crap it's late. And everyday I've been teaching these long days and up after hitting my snooze button 5 times and trying to get Belac to early drop off and niece to daycare asap. This is what happens when hubby is not around. I stay up way too long, nursing something alcoholic and snacking. I am going to weigh 300 lbs after he starts work regularly in DC.
Ugh.
Good night.
Ugh.
Good night.
gnight
I should go to bed. But instead I am reading about the train wreck named Donald Trump. Thinking about things. My boys. The Festival. Hubby.
I really should not look at these parents or kids and second guess if I've done right by my kids. It crossed my mind, today, that if I had been a tiger mom, I could have gotten my kids into a place like U of M by successfully getting them engaged in music. Watching both boys sit through concerts, every night, I realize that they have an ear for it but not the hands on expertise I didn't manage to instill.... And I should not be kicking myself about my friends. You know, as much as I roll my eyes over the oversharing and the narcissistic behaviors of others there, I have only thanks for FB for reuniting me with important people from my past, along with my own maturity and coming to my senses.
I need to be secure with where I am and what I've done and what I want to do. And I also need to get my ego out of how my kids are 'doing'. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can and instill them to do the same. What else can I ask?
But god help us in this next election. Cannot believe I am saying this. I couldn't even listen to Hillary or Bill at the DNC convention without cringing and leaving the room. I really don't like her and I don't like present day Bill, either. But the fact is, Trump is despicable and dangerous and he cannot win. It is crazy. For lack of a better choice. I'm "with her."
I really should not look at these parents or kids and second guess if I've done right by my kids. It crossed my mind, today, that if I had been a tiger mom, I could have gotten my kids into a place like U of M by successfully getting them engaged in music. Watching both boys sit through concerts, every night, I realize that they have an ear for it but not the hands on expertise I didn't manage to instill.... And I should not be kicking myself about my friends. You know, as much as I roll my eyes over the oversharing and the narcissistic behaviors of others there, I have only thanks for FB for reuniting me with important people from my past, along with my own maturity and coming to my senses.
I need to be secure with where I am and what I've done and what I want to do. And I also need to get my ego out of how my kids are 'doing'. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can and instill them to do the same. What else can I ask?
But god help us in this next election. Cannot believe I am saying this. I couldn't even listen to Hillary or Bill at the DNC convention without cringing and leaving the room. I really don't like her and I don't like present day Bill, either. But the fact is, Trump is despicable and dangerous and he cannot win. It is crazy. For lack of a better choice. I'm "with her."
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
sad
Drinking an Oberon in sis' quiet dark house. Everyone in bed after having come from my concert. I arrived home after everyone else and as usual, after a performance, am too wired to go to bed right away.
I wrote to the director, childhood friend and brother of someone I once described as my 'bff'. I had to tell them how grateful I was to be here working with them, and how in awe I am of what they have shared and accomplished with everyone around them. The warmth, good humor and the joyfulness of music making. We had years we weren't in contact. My mom had cut them off while we were in high school, and we lost touch for more than a decade. Meanwhile, the 3 of us, my friend - now in Boston - and her brother, all became professional musicians and really outstanding performers. At dinner a few nights ago, he told me: it's probably too late to get the Mendelssohn trio together last minute and for this week, right? God, I haven't played it in.... 26 years! He patted my arm, next year. Later, I told my friend wistfully, we should have been a piano trio, the 3 of us. I mean, and if I thought about it too much I would have weeped, we should have been a trio! Who would have thunk? The 3 of us in our little world of local orchestras and chamber music groups later 'making it.' That we went this long without playing with each other, a lifetime? The problem is that we were absent from each other's lives in highschool. There was an effort to repair the relationship between our families. Her family called a meeting to meet with my family to discuss what was complicated and not to be understood: but my sisters and dad, minus my mom attended. She refused to come to this family meeting, and therein lied the problem. We could all be fine but my mom would not have anything to do with them.
Even in high school, I was in love with some boy and it was this horribly awkward situation that never turned into anything but a whole lot of wistful thinking. His mother called my mother to tell me he had been in a terrible car accident that resulted in his using a cane for a while and I think he was in the hospital. In retrospect, I think the mom was trying to tell my mom that I should reach out during this difficult time, knowing there had been phone calls and letters and some outings between us. I remember my mom telling me what happened to him, but she should have told me to go visit him or to call him. If a fellow mom reached out to me in a similar way, I would have most certainly made sure Jake reached out to his friend. And while I take full responsibility for my short comings and my inability to be strong and secure enough to take action and even go against my mother's will, I really did not get good guidance nor good example about expressing my gratitude and admiration for people who really meant something to me.
I don't know why, but I can't let it go. And tonight, seeing my childhood friends and feeling their warmth and complete acceptance of me and the good laughs and these deep exchanges we've had about life and love... what a crying shame we are missing 20 years together in the middle. TWENTY YEARS. Both of these relationships, my childhood friends and the boy... while they have resolved themselves in my adult life and I have reconnected with everyone, it still causes me sadness. She told me before, my childhood friend one Mother's day that I happened to be in Boston and was at her house for brunch, Gimky! she looked right into my eyes as I dropped her off for her Boston Ballet gig, it was such a long time ago. Let it go! Yeah, I laughed at the time, I know!! But it's hard to let go.
My sister invited my childhood friend, her brother and mom to the house for dinner. I was so happy to catch up and have them there. I love and admire them so much. They were invited along with my parents. But you know that my mom was in the bedroom sleeping almost the whole time during dinner? Maybe she didn't feel well. It's possible. But for whatever reason, she couldn't be present for it, this happy reunion. I think she's suffering from dementia and can't remember anything. But maybe she does, sub-consciously and can't witness this. I don't know. I don't blame her, I know she can't help herself and these days, I'm an adult and am not swayed by her example. But it still makes me immensely sad, the influences of her behavior when we were young. And now she's suddenly chummy with her older brother in NY...? It's just hard to wrap my head around all of this and more than anything. I am sad.
I wrote to the director, childhood friend and brother of someone I once described as my 'bff'. I had to tell them how grateful I was to be here working with them, and how in awe I am of what they have shared and accomplished with everyone around them. The warmth, good humor and the joyfulness of music making. We had years we weren't in contact. My mom had cut them off while we were in high school, and we lost touch for more than a decade. Meanwhile, the 3 of us, my friend - now in Boston - and her brother, all became professional musicians and really outstanding performers. At dinner a few nights ago, he told me: it's probably too late to get the Mendelssohn trio together last minute and for this week, right? God, I haven't played it in.... 26 years! He patted my arm, next year. Later, I told my friend wistfully, we should have been a piano trio, the 3 of us. I mean, and if I thought about it too much I would have weeped, we should have been a trio! Who would have thunk? The 3 of us in our little world of local orchestras and chamber music groups later 'making it.' That we went this long without playing with each other, a lifetime? The problem is that we were absent from each other's lives in highschool. There was an effort to repair the relationship between our families. Her family called a meeting to meet with my family to discuss what was complicated and not to be understood: but my sisters and dad, minus my mom attended. She refused to come to this family meeting, and therein lied the problem. We could all be fine but my mom would not have anything to do with them.
Even in high school, I was in love with some boy and it was this horribly awkward situation that never turned into anything but a whole lot of wistful thinking. His mother called my mother to tell me he had been in a terrible car accident that resulted in his using a cane for a while and I think he was in the hospital. In retrospect, I think the mom was trying to tell my mom that I should reach out during this difficult time, knowing there had been phone calls and letters and some outings between us. I remember my mom telling me what happened to him, but she should have told me to go visit him or to call him. If a fellow mom reached out to me in a similar way, I would have most certainly made sure Jake reached out to his friend. And while I take full responsibility for my short comings and my inability to be strong and secure enough to take action and even go against my mother's will, I really did not get good guidance nor good example about expressing my gratitude and admiration for people who really meant something to me.
I don't know why, but I can't let it go. And tonight, seeing my childhood friends and feeling their warmth and complete acceptance of me and the good laughs and these deep exchanges we've had about life and love... what a crying shame we are missing 20 years together in the middle. TWENTY YEARS. Both of these relationships, my childhood friends and the boy... while they have resolved themselves in my adult life and I have reconnected with everyone, it still causes me sadness. She told me before, my childhood friend one Mother's day that I happened to be in Boston and was at her house for brunch, Gimky! she looked right into my eyes as I dropped her off for her Boston Ballet gig, it was such a long time ago. Let it go! Yeah, I laughed at the time, I know!! But it's hard to let go.
My sister invited my childhood friend, her brother and mom to the house for dinner. I was so happy to catch up and have them there. I love and admire them so much. They were invited along with my parents. But you know that my mom was in the bedroom sleeping almost the whole time during dinner? Maybe she didn't feel well. It's possible. But for whatever reason, she couldn't be present for it, this happy reunion. I think she's suffering from dementia and can't remember anything. But maybe she does, sub-consciously and can't witness this. I don't know. I don't blame her, I know she can't help herself and these days, I'm an adult and am not swayed by her example. But it still makes me immensely sad, the influences of her behavior when we were young. And now she's suddenly chummy with her older brother in NY...? It's just hard to wrap my head around all of this and more than anything. I am sad.
Monday, August 1, 2016
just in case
Got a note from Soo, tonight, with her family's itinerary. Her husband's parents, she and her husband and son, her BIL and wife... they are all going on a week long trip to Bermuda together.
In this note, I have all of their flight info, I notice husband and wife are flying together. The hotel info with phone numbers. The code to her garage. The contact for the director of Ramapo for Children.
The entire family on her husband's side is going. Only Brian, severely autistic and non-verbal is not going. He is at Ramapo for 8 weeks, the only time that she gets a break all year long from his constant care. Her in-laws take the whole family on an annual, luxurious trip.
Yes, I am 3rd successor guardian. Her parents and the BIL are all before me. But they are also all on a trip together and regularly travel together, something that did concern hubby when I first agreed to this. Brian and I do not have a regular relationship and our families are not even close. But Soo believes I'd do what I need to do to make sure Brian is taken care of and I would certainly try.
Dot wrote me last week, too. She rewrote her will and confirmed that hubby and I would continue to be successor guardians to both her children, one of whom is going off to an $85,000 per year boarding school for special needs kids.
In a way it's mind blowing. On the other hand, I'm honored. Completely.
In this note, I have all of their flight info, I notice husband and wife are flying together. The hotel info with phone numbers. The code to her garage. The contact for the director of Ramapo for Children.
The entire family on her husband's side is going. Only Brian, severely autistic and non-verbal is not going. He is at Ramapo for 8 weeks, the only time that she gets a break all year long from his constant care. Her in-laws take the whole family on an annual, luxurious trip.
Yes, I am 3rd successor guardian. Her parents and the BIL are all before me. But they are also all on a trip together and regularly travel together, something that did concern hubby when I first agreed to this. Brian and I do not have a regular relationship and our families are not even close. But Soo believes I'd do what I need to do to make sure Brian is taken care of and I would certainly try.
Dot wrote me last week, too. She rewrote her will and confirmed that hubby and I would continue to be successor guardians to both her children, one of whom is going off to an $85,000 per year boarding school for special needs kids.
In a way it's mind blowing. On the other hand, I'm honored. Completely.
growing up
Went to an all Bach concert with Jake. He found it interesting and I was so happy and proud he was with me. We talked all about what he had heard and he shook the hands of my colleagues. Came home to Belac, who had gotten programming help from his uncle and had designed a Cereal Box and a UFO with Tinkercad while I was gone.
Mom, I wish I could be just like Uncle Justin. He draws and he programs! I smiled. And you know what? I bet he gets super frustrated sometimes, but he uses that energy to figure things out. Belac, that you suffered today shows me something. That you are stretching and growing! Mom, I just feel like I can deal better at home than in public. Like, I feel like I can do stuff better at home. Well, but you can't stay at home all of the time! You need to remember that when you are frustrated at school or camp, worried, that you can soon be at home to figure it out under less pressure. And things will be fine. They can even be great!! But it's important to talk to yourself, talk yourself out of stress. Reassure yourself that you can figure it out, like you've done time and time again!!
Jake asked for Skype. Why? You know why. Well, let's talk about it. I'm not really opposed, I thought it over, I'd rather them have a conversation than to keep texting like this. Does it have to be skype? Could it be AIM? Mom, she has skype. It's easier with skype and it's free! Okay, well let's talk about it.
Oy! My kids are growing up.
Mom, I wish I could be just like Uncle Justin. He draws and he programs! I smiled. And you know what? I bet he gets super frustrated sometimes, but he uses that energy to figure things out. Belac, that you suffered today shows me something. That you are stretching and growing! Mom, I just feel like I can deal better at home than in public. Like, I feel like I can do stuff better at home. Well, but you can't stay at home all of the time! You need to remember that when you are frustrated at school or camp, worried, that you can soon be at home to figure it out under less pressure. And things will be fine. They can even be great!! But it's important to talk to yourself, talk yourself out of stress. Reassure yourself that you can figure it out, like you've done time and time again!!
Jake asked for Skype. Why? You know why. Well, let's talk about it. I'm not really opposed, I thought it over, I'd rather them have a conversation than to keep texting like this. Does it have to be skype? Could it be AIM? Mom, she has skype. It's easier with skype and it's free! Okay, well let's talk about it.
Oy! My kids are growing up.
Day 1
Belac called me at the end of my day. Mom? I think I need to talk to you.... Well, the 3D Printing was Java and not Python... It was hard. And I think I might have gotten frustrated... At someone else or yourself? At myself. Did you express that frustration to anyone else? Did you ask for help? I'm sure there are others that are beginners like you... Well, it might seem like no one else had a problem, but I'm sure they have had classes before where kids didn't 'get it right away'.... Aunty Sandy will be there soon to get you. She just got there? Could you put her on the line?
Could you find out what happened? Just facilitate between Belac and teacher, make nice, point out that Belac struggled and that he needs to ask the teacher.... also offer that if there is anything we need to be aware of, you know, to call or text...? Just have a conversation....
Last night, hubby laid on the bed with Jake and me on the floor next to Belac and we all talked in the dark. Belac worried that he might never have a girlfriend like Jake's Samantha, to which Jake gave some smart encouragement.... And then we laughed our sweet heads off, attributing Zootopia characters to ourselves and real life people. It was the funniest thing ever, hearing the rationale of their choices and their laughter, not having watched the movie myself and hearing the boys and hubby discuss and laugh in the dark made me laugh just as hard.
Home now and going out soon to hear my colleagues play a concert. Taking Jake with me but leaving Belac behind, who is tired. I had a lot of students today in back to back Sonatas coachings. On the one hand I compared to my own kids some of these kids with helicopter moms in tow, and on the other hand it was informative to see what a 'race to nowhere' some of what I saw was. I have to relax and not add to anyone's stress, especially to the kids'.
Relax.
Could you find out what happened? Just facilitate between Belac and teacher, make nice, point out that Belac struggled and that he needs to ask the teacher.... also offer that if there is anything we need to be aware of, you know, to call or text...? Just have a conversation....
Last night, hubby laid on the bed with Jake and me on the floor next to Belac and we all talked in the dark. Belac worried that he might never have a girlfriend like Jake's Samantha, to which Jake gave some smart encouragement.... And then we laughed our sweet heads off, attributing Zootopia characters to ourselves and real life people. It was the funniest thing ever, hearing the rationale of their choices and their laughter, not having watched the movie myself and hearing the boys and hubby discuss and laugh in the dark made me laugh just as hard.
Home now and going out soon to hear my colleagues play a concert. Taking Jake with me but leaving Belac behind, who is tired. I had a lot of students today in back to back Sonatas coachings. On the one hand I compared to my own kids some of these kids with helicopter moms in tow, and on the other hand it was informative to see what a 'race to nowhere' some of what I saw was. I have to relax and not add to anyone's stress, especially to the kids'.
Relax.
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