I admit to watching the TLC channel lately. Today, I cried at the end of Property Brothers. An adorable gay couple had bought a run down town house, and one of the men weeped at the sight of the renovation. It's so nice, he said in disbelief as his partner hugged him, I can't believe it's ours.... Another day, I watched What Not To Wear and both laughed my head off at the commentary of this 32-year old's frumpy attire and then weeped when I listened to this mom talk (and cry) about how she simply forgot about herself after becoming a teenage mother. She was so busy working full-time and taking care of her family.... Her transformation was jaw-dropping.
I have run almost everyday since end of March. At first it was a slow jog with the goal to just stay on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Eventually, I had days that I could run faster or longer and now, 3 months later, I've settled into a routine. I never really watched tv before running and in fact scoffed at it, but have found it helps pass the time on the treadmill much more quickly. For the first time in decades, I actually know how to use the remotes! I also watch a lot less CNN (I found it too depressing and scary) and more programs about self improvement. It entertains me as I now run 3 miles a day, 5-7 times a week. Huge for me after a lifetime of nothing.
Without changing my diet much, I have lost 4 solid pounds, almost 5. I thought of that as I picked up a 2 qt. bottle of lemonade, yesterday. I've never felt physically better. Yay for the running!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
the A frame
My hubby recounted an argument he had with his father on our last weekend to Montreal. Maybe not exactly an argument, per se, but a heated and somewhat hostile exchange. His father let slip in essence that it's not Jake we should be worried about, but Belac. I can't remember now how his father put it, but Belac was the one in his mind with the significant ongoing issues. And this is where hubby lost it. Told his dad that he didn't know the first thing about what happens in our life and how the kids are doing. Not the first thing. What is going on with Jake is not an over reaction. It's not something we trust can just 'pass.'
It was interesting to me that it took hubby almost a week to tell me what had happened. It was a conversation that upset him. And then, last night, I tossed and turned and had a sleepless night myself. Things ARE better with Belac, they really are. How could he say they aren't? Didn't he tell me once that he thought Belac would one day surprise me and he hoped to live to see it? It's Jake who is crying for help....!
Today I told hubby I want to go look at the cashier's house and want him to come with. Hubby looked at me long and hard and knew where I was heading. The house is one block from downtown and the train. The person who lives there never has to drive and can do everything on foot. There's not much house or land to upkeep. It's a charming house that's 100 years old but appears fully updated by a bank. The place is cheaper than an apartment, and dirt cheap if we can negotiate the price even further. It's an opportunity for a grown man to live, walk and possibly work in the town he grew up in.... In the meantime, we could rent it out to a divorcee who has kids part-time or college students at the nearby university.
Who cares about fixing the kitchen.
It was interesting to me that it took hubby almost a week to tell me what had happened. It was a conversation that upset him. And then, last night, I tossed and turned and had a sleepless night myself. Things ARE better with Belac, they really are. How could he say they aren't? Didn't he tell me once that he thought Belac would one day surprise me and he hoped to live to see it? It's Jake who is crying for help....!
Today I told hubby I want to go look at the cashier's house and want him to come with. Hubby looked at me long and hard and knew where I was heading. The house is one block from downtown and the train. The person who lives there never has to drive and can do everything on foot. There's not much house or land to upkeep. It's a charming house that's 100 years old but appears fully updated by a bank. The place is cheaper than an apartment, and dirt cheap if we can negotiate the price even further. It's an opportunity for a grown man to live, walk and possibly work in the town he grew up in.... In the meantime, we could rent it out to a divorcee who has kids part-time or college students at the nearby university.
Who cares about fixing the kitchen.
sad
I used to pass a house on my daily walk with the dog, when we were in a rental across town. It was a very modest A frame that sat on a kind of back street of restaurants and offices. Not the prettiest street, let's say, especially considering the general charm of Sunny Patch. There was always this crazy, barking German Shepherd tied up outside of this house and a rusted out van parked in the drive. One day, I saw someone coming home from work and put two and two together. The occupant was the cashier at our local grocery store.
I don't really care for our grocery store in town. It never feels or smells very clean. But I recognize that there's a 50 year old guy bagging groceries who is insanely knowledgeable and probably has Asperger's or some high-functioning autism. The cashier, the one in the A frame, is in her 60s, doesn't have all of her teeth and something is surely amiss, you can tell. I've made conversation with just about everyone there, especially this cashier, and I deliberately stop in because I want to support a business that gives these people opportunities.
A few days ago, I ran in to buy just a loaf of bread. On my way out, I saw this very cashier in handcuffs just as a cop was protecting her head as she got into the back seat. Oh my God! What happened? I later drove a slight detour past her house and my mouth fell open. It was empty and For Sale. I looked online. The house had already been on the market for a month. This tiny 2 bedroom house now had a new roof and new everything. What happened to her? Did she run into money troubles? Was this now a short sale? Did she steal from the grocery store?
So many questions I'll never know the answers to.
I don't really care for our grocery store in town. It never feels or smells very clean. But I recognize that there's a 50 year old guy bagging groceries who is insanely knowledgeable and probably has Asperger's or some high-functioning autism. The cashier, the one in the A frame, is in her 60s, doesn't have all of her teeth and something is surely amiss, you can tell. I've made conversation with just about everyone there, especially this cashier, and I deliberately stop in because I want to support a business that gives these people opportunities.
A few days ago, I ran in to buy just a loaf of bread. On my way out, I saw this very cashier in handcuffs just as a cop was protecting her head as she got into the back seat. Oh my God! What happened? I later drove a slight detour past her house and my mouth fell open. It was empty and For Sale. I looked online. The house had already been on the market for a month. This tiny 2 bedroom house now had a new roof and new everything. What happened to her? Did she run into money troubles? Was this now a short sale? Did she steal from the grocery store?
So many questions I'll never know the answers to.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
money
All around me, I listen to people, friends, stress about money. One friend admitted she was waiting for a paycheck to finally pay off a $500 medical bill. I don't worry too much about them, though. They are both employed now, and neither were, just a year ago. They have always lived frugally and I am certain they will dig themselves out. Another told me that since her divorce, several years ago, her mother had been helping with her shortfalls. She's working but has not seen a penny of child support from her ex. Just tell me I'm not going to be living on the street in a year, Gimky, she told me at her son's birthday party. I could see stress all over her face. Look at how happy these boys are! I pointed out. We were in her backyard over a slip and slide, pizza and cupcakes. You won't live on the street, I told her, you'll live with us first. The other thing is, she bought her house over a decade ago when houses here were still undervalued. Her mortgage is like 800 dollars/month, dirt cheap for a charming village house in Westchester County. Even in this funky market, her house is a huge asset and she will be okay.
Today, I am signing on a dotted line over combining two closets and a hall to make a mudroom. It's not that much money, all things considered, but not cheap either. There's demolition of interior walls, some electrical work for the high hats, a new window, fiberglass exterior door and inner pocket door, flooring, sheetrock, some carpentry... you see? It adds up. And all the while I listen to people's stories, hear predictions in the media of financial apocalypse and I hem and haw over parting with green. I am not so naive to think we are immune to what's going on around us.... But in the end, I sign off on this. We'll pull up the faded linoleum and replace the leaky, rotting door and make this dark, dead space into something bright and useful. It's our most valuable asset, this house, and we need to take care of it. There was a reason why it sat on the market for 3 years before we bought it. Buyers didn't want to inherit a lot of problems and work, no matter what the bargain basement price... Now we have 8 more years to get this house in better shape. The taxes are outrageous and we're definitely not staying after the kids graduate high school. Better to fix and improve this house as we can.
Today, I am signing on a dotted line over combining two closets and a hall to make a mudroom. It's not that much money, all things considered, but not cheap either. There's demolition of interior walls, some electrical work for the high hats, a new window, fiberglass exterior door and inner pocket door, flooring, sheetrock, some carpentry... you see? It adds up. And all the while I listen to people's stories, hear predictions in the media of financial apocalypse and I hem and haw over parting with green. I am not so naive to think we are immune to what's going on around us.... But in the end, I sign off on this. We'll pull up the faded linoleum and replace the leaky, rotting door and make this dark, dead space into something bright and useful. It's our most valuable asset, this house, and we need to take care of it. There was a reason why it sat on the market for 3 years before we bought it. Buyers didn't want to inherit a lot of problems and work, no matter what the bargain basement price... Now we have 8 more years to get this house in better shape. The taxes are outrageous and we're definitely not staying after the kids graduate high school. Better to fix and improve this house as we can.
plugging in
Pulled Jake out of Lego class a few minutes early to bring him to the ortho. He dragged his feet. Ugh, Mom! I really can't stay til the end? Nope, we gotta go!
As Jake got into the front seat and clipped his belt, I reached into my bag and pressed a number for speed dial. Loud heavy metal suddenly filled the car. What's that awful noise?? I asked him in a most accusatory voice. He looked around perplexed. I don't know! he exclaimed defensively. He shook and listened to his lunchbox, looked on the floor, and then opened the glove compartment. It's someone's phone, he replied, who's phone is this?
I shrugged.
He looked at the screen. Knew to scroll down to see the contacts. There were all his good friends... Ben, Andrew, Dom, even entries MOM and DAD, Nana, Papa, Granny, Pops....
Mom, he told me, this must be someone's phone that we know. We know all of these people!
He looked at me. I looked at him. He really didn't know.
It's yours, sweetie pie, I told him as I tried to burn his astonished smile into my memory and started the car.
It is...???? Thanks, Mom, he said in the most tender voice, thank you so much.
As Jake got into the front seat and clipped his belt, I reached into my bag and pressed a number for speed dial. Loud heavy metal suddenly filled the car. What's that awful noise?? I asked him in a most accusatory voice. He looked around perplexed. I don't know! he exclaimed defensively. He shook and listened to his lunchbox, looked on the floor, and then opened the glove compartment. It's someone's phone, he replied, who's phone is this?
I shrugged.
He looked at the screen. Knew to scroll down to see the contacts. There were all his good friends... Ben, Andrew, Dom, even entries MOM and DAD, Nana, Papa, Granny, Pops....
Mom, he told me, this must be someone's phone that we know. We know all of these people!
He looked at me. I looked at him. He really didn't know.
It's yours, sweetie pie, I told him as I tried to burn his astonished smile into my memory and started the car.
It is...???? Thanks, Mom, he said in the most tender voice, thank you so much.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
familiar neighbor
After picking up a cellphone for Jake, this morning, I stopped by the new H-Mart in the same shopping plaza. It's my new favorite grocery to shop at every week. As usual, the place was crowded and swarming with Asians. I started filling a bag with peaches and found myself studying the face of the woman standing next to me. She looked oddly familiar and I suddenly realized. She's my aunt! My mom's brother's wife! I didn't say a word. Didn't know what to say. Knotted my bag and moved on quickly.
Oh my God! I thought. Do I go back and say hi? A minute later, I saw her again, looking for something on a shelf. She looked so elegant and just the same. Except older. Then we passed again.... she was not seeing me.
Called hubby. Do I say hello? Of course say hello! He's never really understood this ridiculousness. But then I just couldn't.
Apparently, my mom's older brother and wife did some bad things, once upon a time. They broke promises to my grandparents and took advantage of my grandparents' wealth. It affected everyone else profoundly. As a direct result, my mom's younger brother's children came to live with my family, while their parents remained in Taiwan. For better and worse, the 3 kids were basically raised by my parents and grandmother, as long as she was alive. My mom, my mom's younger brother.... well, they hate this woman and their brother. I don't like that word, it's a strong word, but it truly fits in this case.... There was fighting and rage and no hope for reconciliation or forgiveness. No one has spoken to each other in decades. I have 2 first cousins here in metro NY, my age, and I haven't seen them in like 20 years.
My little sis txted me. Oh my God! Why didn't you say hello?
What would I have said? Let's get together? I've been living in NY since 1992, and in Westchester, just a few miles from you, for the past 7 years? I looked them up once, we are neighbors. She was always nice to me. But out of respect for my mother and because I'm not interested in stirring up the pot, I look the other way.
Oh my God! I thought. Do I go back and say hi? A minute later, I saw her again, looking for something on a shelf. She looked so elegant and just the same. Except older. Then we passed again.... she was not seeing me.
Called hubby. Do I say hello? Of course say hello! He's never really understood this ridiculousness. But then I just couldn't.
Apparently, my mom's older brother and wife did some bad things, once upon a time. They broke promises to my grandparents and took advantage of my grandparents' wealth. It affected everyone else profoundly. As a direct result, my mom's younger brother's children came to live with my family, while their parents remained in Taiwan. For better and worse, the 3 kids were basically raised by my parents and grandmother, as long as she was alive. My mom, my mom's younger brother.... well, they hate this woman and their brother. I don't like that word, it's a strong word, but it truly fits in this case.... There was fighting and rage and no hope for reconciliation or forgiveness. No one has spoken to each other in decades. I have 2 first cousins here in metro NY, my age, and I haven't seen them in like 20 years.
My little sis txted me. Oh my God! Why didn't you say hello?
What would I have said? Let's get together? I've been living in NY since 1992, and in Westchester, just a few miles from you, for the past 7 years? I looked them up once, we are neighbors. She was always nice to me. But out of respect for my mother and because I'm not interested in stirring up the pot, I look the other way.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
the problem with school
Camp is so much better than school, Jake remarked after a day with Lego robotics.
Why?
Because at camp you actually learn something that is fun and figure things out. You actually do something interesting. All you do at school is copy what the teacher does.
Wow, I sighed, school sounds terrible. Especially considering the teachers you've had these past 2 years, I didn't say.
Yes, he agreed, it is!
Went afterwards to Target to buy some lunch boxes and ran into Sunny Patch friends. Their kid Billy is Belac's friend, who had brain surgery very young over grand mal seizures and has residual learning difficulties. The sister, the neurotypical, has also had difficulties in 5th grade in our same district, similar to Jake's despite having the 'best' 5th grade teacher. In her case, however, both parents work full-time and couldn't oversee her work on a daily basis like I could for Jake. She is a bright kid, the kindest kid, but also a straight C student.
What is she doing this summer? I asked the mom.
Farm camp! she told me. It's the most amazing thing for her and she loves it. They spend all of their time outside growing, harvesting, taking care of animals. It's hard, hard work, but she loves it and thrives there. They tell me she is the most diligent worker and takes initiative. It's amazing! And then she rolled her eyes, and then the rest of the year I am pulling my hair out. She's a different kid the rest of the year. Gimky, she doesn't learn the 'public school' way and I don't know what I'm going to do. She's lost, she's resigned. I've been looking at private schools....
I laughed. Oh my God, we totally need to catch up!!
Why?
Because at camp you actually learn something that is fun and figure things out. You actually do something interesting. All you do at school is copy what the teacher does.
Wow, I sighed, school sounds terrible. Especially considering the teachers you've had these past 2 years, I didn't say.
Yes, he agreed, it is!
Went afterwards to Target to buy some lunch boxes and ran into Sunny Patch friends. Their kid Billy is Belac's friend, who had brain surgery very young over grand mal seizures and has residual learning difficulties. The sister, the neurotypical, has also had difficulties in 5th grade in our same district, similar to Jake's despite having the 'best' 5th grade teacher. In her case, however, both parents work full-time and couldn't oversee her work on a daily basis like I could for Jake. She is a bright kid, the kindest kid, but also a straight C student.
What is she doing this summer? I asked the mom.
Farm camp! she told me. It's the most amazing thing for her and she loves it. They spend all of their time outside growing, harvesting, taking care of animals. It's hard, hard work, but she loves it and thrives there. They tell me she is the most diligent worker and takes initiative. It's amazing! And then she rolled her eyes, and then the rest of the year I am pulling my hair out. She's a different kid the rest of the year. Gimky, she doesn't learn the 'public school' way and I don't know what I'm going to do. She's lost, she's resigned. I've been looking at private schools....
I laughed. Oh my God, we totally need to catch up!!
appearances
Got dressed into a nicer than everyday outfit, this morning, and went for a casual but neat look. Brought the kids to their respective camps. First dropped Jake and profusely thanked the director, an Asian immigrant from my parents' generation, for letting Jake participate on short notice. Then went to movie making camp and thanked the registrar, an elegant Englishwoman, for holding onto Belac until a friend could come get him. Then introduced myself to Belac's teacher, a hip and young African-American, and asked him to please let me know of any behavioral issues, however small, because I would talk to Belac in the evenings... Then dropped the car off to be inspected and was walking home when I bumped into a mom in town. She asked about piano lessons for her daughter....
Would anyone behave differently if I were heavier and frumpy-looking? Maybe not. But you also never know.... One of the first pieces of advice that always stuck with me came from a book about ABA by Lovaas. Before even getting into ABA, Lovaas took some pages to stress the importance of appearances. How extremely important it is for kids with issues, in particular, to look like other kids. To have clothes that fit and of similar style to his or her peers. To leave their haircuts to the professionals whenever possible. To update glasses. To maintain an average weight. I get it, the kids have a hard enough time fitting in behaviorally, we might as well make it easier in other ways to blend in.
I think the importance of a parent's appearance, though, is often neglected. If you never have to ask anyone for a favor or compassion for your kids, you could probably behave and appear any which way you want. But this is not the case for me, nor is it for any parent of a special needs kid. I'm always explaining and negotiating with others about Belac. Asking (pleading) Jake's teachers for a certain kind of support for him. Everyday outside of the house I'm having to advocate for my boys, and fair or not, I believe that appearances hurt or help. I once read that the overwhelming majority of CEOs and Presidents of the United States have been tall (over 6 feet) and fit. (Not to mention white and male....) Appearances matter whether we like it or not.
This morning, I saw a mom with her son, sitting on a bench outside of movie camp. They were both eating danishes, and the mom was eating way too fast. Personally, I would not have chosen such an exposed bench next to the front door upon which to eat breakfast. And clearly, in more ways than one, she lacked an awareness or certain care about her appearance. Then I heard this mom talking to the director about needing to sort something out, while the director kept looking over as if to say, do you need something? I can wait, I motioned more than once. Half-watching and listening, I wasn't sure if the director was necessarily being rude. I couldn't figure out if the mom was being long-winded. But the director and mom were not what you call communicating or connecting. If she were 50 pounds lighter and her wild hair was pulled back, would she have gotten slightly better results? I don't know, but it did cross my mind.
It's clear that being dressed a certain way helps when selling oneself as a piano teacher or professional. But I'd say we sometimes forget how important appearances are as an advocate for our children. Don't be a martyr. (I was a martyr once and I was never so sad.) Respect and take care of yourself. Even if your kids need more, make yourself a priority. Find a way. Don't let yourself go to pot. If you've let yourself go to pot, change course. Just do it.
Would anyone behave differently if I were heavier and frumpy-looking? Maybe not. But you also never know.... One of the first pieces of advice that always stuck with me came from a book about ABA by Lovaas. Before even getting into ABA, Lovaas took some pages to stress the importance of appearances. How extremely important it is for kids with issues, in particular, to look like other kids. To have clothes that fit and of similar style to his or her peers. To leave their haircuts to the professionals whenever possible. To update glasses. To maintain an average weight. I get it, the kids have a hard enough time fitting in behaviorally, we might as well make it easier in other ways to blend in.
I think the importance of a parent's appearance, though, is often neglected. If you never have to ask anyone for a favor or compassion for your kids, you could probably behave and appear any which way you want. But this is not the case for me, nor is it for any parent of a special needs kid. I'm always explaining and negotiating with others about Belac. Asking (pleading) Jake's teachers for a certain kind of support for him. Everyday outside of the house I'm having to advocate for my boys, and fair or not, I believe that appearances hurt or help. I once read that the overwhelming majority of CEOs and Presidents of the United States have been tall (over 6 feet) and fit. (Not to mention white and male....) Appearances matter whether we like it or not.
This morning, I saw a mom with her son, sitting on a bench outside of movie camp. They were both eating danishes, and the mom was eating way too fast. Personally, I would not have chosen such an exposed bench next to the front door upon which to eat breakfast. And clearly, in more ways than one, she lacked an awareness or certain care about her appearance. Then I heard this mom talking to the director about needing to sort something out, while the director kept looking over as if to say, do you need something? I can wait, I motioned more than once. Half-watching and listening, I wasn't sure if the director was necessarily being rude. I couldn't figure out if the mom was being long-winded. But the director and mom were not what you call communicating or connecting. If she were 50 pounds lighter and her wild hair was pulled back, would she have gotten slightly better results? I don't know, but it did cross my mind.
It's clear that being dressed a certain way helps when selling oneself as a piano teacher or professional. But I'd say we sometimes forget how important appearances are as an advocate for our children. Don't be a martyr. (I was a martyr once and I was never so sad.) Respect and take care of yourself. Even if your kids need more, make yourself a priority. Find a way. Don't let yourself go to pot. If you've let yourself go to pot, change course. Just do it.
Monday, June 25, 2012
first day
Afternoon in the ER after Jake fell at circus camp doing a trick with another kid and hurting his arm. There were plenty of tears leading up to the decision to go. Bugs Bunny cartoons saved the day during our long, long wait for the xray. Some of the ER doctors and nurses at WMC were the same from Belac's visits last month. We said hello like old friends.... And then caused a little excitement when Jake fainted outside the xray room. (He's definitely my child, no question.) There were prisoners there with 2 cops guarding each one, it was hot and it was just too long for Jake to be standing amidst all of that excitement. Someone ran for a wheel chair, another for apple juice....
It's just a contusion and his arm is in a sling. But now he won't go back to Circus camp until the next session.... I persuaded the director of the Lego robotics program to let him into a class already in session even though it was 'full.' Managed to text Kati before my phone died about picking up Belac from movie camp.
How do working parents deal with the unexpected? I'd be fired already for all of my missed days.
Now drinking a glass of wine. Dinner in the oven. Hubby coming home early. All in a day's work.
It's just a contusion and his arm is in a sling. But now he won't go back to Circus camp until the next session.... I persuaded the director of the Lego robotics program to let him into a class already in session even though it was 'full.' Managed to text Kati before my phone died about picking up Belac from movie camp.
How do working parents deal with the unexpected? I'd be fired already for all of my missed days.
Now drinking a glass of wine. Dinner in the oven. Hubby coming home early. All in a day's work.
reflection
Saw Jake's light on this morning. It was 6am and he was reading Calvin and Hobbes in bed. Went in to say hello and he reassured me non-chalantly over his shoulder, I'm dressed and brushed my teeth already. Really...? Then Belac came and found me at 6:30am, ready to continue a project he began last week on Microsoft Word. Could I log him on? No one had to leave until 8:15 this morning and yet the boys were up very early on their own, excited and ready to go.
Jake didn't want me going in with him on his first day of Circus Camp this summer. Please mom, I'll be fine! Then brought Belac early to Movie-making camp. Introduced myself to Belac's new instructor and mentioned the letter on file. Yes, thank you, he reassured me, the office shared it with me and all of instructors. It's going to be great!
Driving home, I thought about Jake's letter and his characterization of his teacher as 'mean.' A word he used more than once, by the way. Maybe she was objectively mean to him, or maybe she wasn't but it was his own 5th grade perception, I really don't know. I do know, though, it upset his teacher enough for her to mention it to me and I smoothed it over by saying he obviously didn't choose the appropriate words. Maybe he meant she was strict or tough or had high expectations, I suggested. But on the heels of reading all about the Sandusky crap and thinking it over, I realize, why isn't Jake entitled to feel what he feels? Why should I feel the need to say that he doesn't really feel that way, when in fact there may be extremely good reasons he does? Why am I marginalizing his feelings? I should have asked his teacher. That's curious, why do you think he feels that way? (Maybe you should be the one explaining yourself?)
If we want Jake to speak up for himself and be sure of himself, he needs to know that we're truly listening to him and that we are always inclined to believe him. He needs to know that we give him, first and foremost, the benefit of the doubt. I have to accept that Jake has certain challenges and recognize that it's not always his 'fault.' And if we are truly to help him, we need to talk less and listen more.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
good night
Kissed the boys good night. Lingered on Jake's bed, kind of waiting for the usual spiel. But he was drifting off. No begging me to stay. No not letting go of my hand. No asking for more Silmallirion reading with dad. Nothing. It was Sunday night and usually the time for clinginess. But tomorrow begins Circus Camp and school is finished. Summer has begun! He was dozing off easily and I saw I was free to simply go. We just spent the week end in Montreal, where granny and pops treated all of us to a Cirque du Soleil show and dinner and we were far, far away from all school stress....
The other thing is. Something happened on Friday that showed so clearly how bad Jake's teacher was. First of all, he had to write a letter to his parents about his year, and what did he write? Among a few positive comments, he wrote in passing about his teacher being "mean".... And maybe I wouldn't have paid such attention to it, knowing that it was a hard year for him and maybe a poor choice of words. But then there was something else that happened that made me livid.
On Thursday, right before the last day of school, his teacher wrote to tell me that Jake's social studies grade had dropped 10 percent this quarter. I could not believe it. He struggled with being consistent in math and other subjects this year, but Social Studies has always been his consistent strength. He's always had a great memory and understanding of geography and history. She explained that his falling grade was due to his inability to organize all of the little pieces this quarter. I still could not understand it, and the next day, I asked her to send a breakdown of his Social Studies grade so we could understand where his problem was. A computer breakdown of his grades was sent home on the last day of school. And what did I see? That he was given a 2% on his main project of the semester. It was obviously a typo. In actuality, he had gotten a 92% on that main project and As on 3 tests/quizzes. So before first communicating with me about this 10% drop, then sending home this breakdown with the mistyped 2%, she did NOT make any small effort to check what the real problem was. Human error happens, but this? To blatantly not care to understand the problem before just writing it off as Jake's fault and global problem?? I am so sorry!!!!! I heard on my voice mail, I am so sorry!!!!
I am deeply sorry, too. Sorry for my son who truly needed so much more than this.
It's summer. Hallelujah! Happy Summer!
The other thing is. Something happened on Friday that showed so clearly how bad Jake's teacher was. First of all, he had to write a letter to his parents about his year, and what did he write? Among a few positive comments, he wrote in passing about his teacher being "mean".... And maybe I wouldn't have paid such attention to it, knowing that it was a hard year for him and maybe a poor choice of words. But then there was something else that happened that made me livid.
On Thursday, right before the last day of school, his teacher wrote to tell me that Jake's social studies grade had dropped 10 percent this quarter. I could not believe it. He struggled with being consistent in math and other subjects this year, but Social Studies has always been his consistent strength. He's always had a great memory and understanding of geography and history. She explained that his falling grade was due to his inability to organize all of the little pieces this quarter. I still could not understand it, and the next day, I asked her to send a breakdown of his Social Studies grade so we could understand where his problem was. A computer breakdown of his grades was sent home on the last day of school. And what did I see? That he was given a 2% on his main project of the semester. It was obviously a typo. In actuality, he had gotten a 92% on that main project and As on 3 tests/quizzes. So before first communicating with me about this 10% drop, then sending home this breakdown with the mistyped 2%, she did NOT make any small effort to check what the real problem was. Human error happens, but this? To blatantly not care to understand the problem before just writing it off as Jake's fault and global problem?? I am so sorry!!!!! I heard on my voice mail, I am so sorry!!!!
I am deeply sorry, too. Sorry for my son who truly needed so much more than this.
It's summer. Hallelujah! Happy Summer!
Hrabowski and UMBC
Caught this podcast on the drive home from Montreal. Jake listened intently, too, and it gave us all a lot to talk about. What an inspiring man, this Hrabowski. Later in the interview when he was teased/accused of romanticizing the idea that everyone could make it, I teared up at his response. Every student should have a Hrabowski in his life. Have a listen and be inspired.
Friday, June 22, 2012
email from hubby
Hi Gimky,
I generally think Jake tried hard enough this year to successfully earn a cell phone. He put in enough effort the last weeks to get all his school work done. I think it would deflate him if we withheld it from him and make him feel like his year was a failure. We need to ensure he gets a strong positive message that success is within his reach and that he needs to conquer his monsters by learning and practicing impeccable organization and motivation.
Let's discuss if you disagree. love, hubby
I generally think Jake tried hard enough this year to successfully earn a cell phone. He put in enough effort the last weeks to get all his school work done. I think it would deflate him if we withheld it from him and make him feel like his year was a failure. We need to ensure he gets a strong positive message that success is within his reach and that he needs to conquer his monsters by learning and practicing impeccable organization and motivation.
Let's discuss if you disagree. love, hubby
options
Found out that my friend's son was being honored as "Most Outstanding Graduate" at the 8th grade graduation. It was a recognition of both grades and upstanding citizenship. Yay! I told her, that's amazing! I am so happy for him, though not at all surprised. He is a really great kid and role model, and a kid that has begun to babysit my boys now and again.
Another friend followed up, "Good job, Mom! You did it right!"
And that's when I squirmed. Am I really so insecure? If my kids don't win any accolades, by that very reasoning, will people think I didn't do it right? Actually, I don't care too much what other people think - but will I think I didn't do it right? My kids don't fit in easily or measure up so nicely to a certain uniform measuring stick. And to be honest, for all of my efforts with them, I'm often surprised and kind of sad they're not having an easier time or sailing through. I don't want to say they are difficult, I love them and love being with them, but they aren't exactly easy. They have to work on most everything.
Yesterday, Jake's retina specialist he sees regularly, told me about her 3 kids and their experience in the Scarsdale school district. Her eldest was a straight A student, sailed through easily and went on to an Ivy League. Her middle kid didn't really get it together until mid-highschool, and while he didn't distinguish himself like his older sister and won't go to the same kind of school, she thinks he'll be fine because he is motivated. Her youngest, she confided frankly, she wished she could 'do over.' She just didn't get the kind of support she needed and it was all hard for her. She got lost in the big school. By the time the mom looked at private school, the girl refused to go because she didn't want to leave her friendships.
She suggested, see how 6th grade goes for him.... It's important that he doesn't get lost and can feel good about himself.
I want to be optimistic, but I've also become interested in private school. Especially in two schools that were recommended to me by people who know Jake. I've also noticed what they cost... All I can say is that even though this house needs work, I'm glad we did not overpay. I'm relieved we did not stretch to buy something more expensive, even though others seemed to think we could or even should. If we have to, I think this house could sell at cost. I'm grateful we live below our means and that we have options, hard as they may be to carry out. For the past 2 years, school has been difficult for Jake. He really needs a school environment where just one teacher can be looking out for him and appreciating him in a positive way. A place where they can really meet the needs of the quirky kid in the middle. I used to think that kid was Belac, but have now learned that it's really Jake. It's time for him to be able to sleep at night.
Another friend followed up, "Good job, Mom! You did it right!"
And that's when I squirmed. Am I really so insecure? If my kids don't win any accolades, by that very reasoning, will people think I didn't do it right? Actually, I don't care too much what other people think - but will I think I didn't do it right? My kids don't fit in easily or measure up so nicely to a certain uniform measuring stick. And to be honest, for all of my efforts with them, I'm often surprised and kind of sad they're not having an easier time or sailing through. I don't want to say they are difficult, I love them and love being with them, but they aren't exactly easy. They have to work on most everything.
Yesterday, Jake's retina specialist he sees regularly, told me about her 3 kids and their experience in the Scarsdale school district. Her eldest was a straight A student, sailed through easily and went on to an Ivy League. Her middle kid didn't really get it together until mid-highschool, and while he didn't distinguish himself like his older sister and won't go to the same kind of school, she thinks he'll be fine because he is motivated. Her youngest, she confided frankly, she wished she could 'do over.' She just didn't get the kind of support she needed and it was all hard for her. She got lost in the big school. By the time the mom looked at private school, the girl refused to go because she didn't want to leave her friendships.
She suggested, see how 6th grade goes for him.... It's important that he doesn't get lost and can feel good about himself.
I want to be optimistic, but I've also become interested in private school. Especially in two schools that were recommended to me by people who know Jake. I've also noticed what they cost... All I can say is that even though this house needs work, I'm glad we did not overpay. I'm relieved we did not stretch to buy something more expensive, even though others seemed to think we could or even should. If we have to, I think this house could sell at cost. I'm grateful we live below our means and that we have options, hard as they may be to carry out. For the past 2 years, school has been difficult for Jake. He really needs a school environment where just one teacher can be looking out for him and appreciating him in a positive way. A place where they can really meet the needs of the quirky kid in the middle. I used to think that kid was Belac, but have now learned that it's really Jake. It's time for him to be able to sleep at night.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I KNOW!!
How about wearing your swimsuit to school? I suggested to Belac on this 100 degree day. This way, you don't have to change for the party later.
Mom, is this a birthday party? he asked.
Yes, it is, I answered. But don't forget. Don't tell anyone at school about it or you might hurt someone's feelings who wasn't invited.
I know, ok??? You don't even have to tell me that!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I replied, you don't have to get so mad at me....
I. KNOW!!
I didn't know whether to laugh or show annoyance. I'm so glad that he knows. And in a way, I love that he's mad to think I'd believe he was so clueless. He thinks I should know that he knows.
Mom, is this a birthday party? he asked.
Yes, it is, I answered. But don't forget. Don't tell anyone at school about it or you might hurt someone's feelings who wasn't invited.
I know, ok??? You don't even have to tell me that!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I replied, you don't have to get so mad at me....
I. KNOW!!
I didn't know whether to laugh or show annoyance. I'm so glad that he knows. And in a way, I love that he's mad to think I'd believe he was so clueless. He thinks I should know that he knows.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
School plan
Hubby and I agreed today. If things are not better in 6th grade for Jake, we are going to shop for private school for him. A place where his education is more individualized and offers the kind of support he needs. Where would this place be? I don't know yet. What does that mean about this house? I'm not sure. But we unanimously agree! If things do not improve for Jake, we will do whatever is necessary to provide for him. For both boys.
carpe diem
Belac 6/2012
Went to a corner cabinet to grab a coffee mug, this morning. Stretched to grab the one from Paris, the one souvenir from that time we lived there, those blissful ignorant days right before we knew anything was amiss with Belac. But then, not only did the mug slip out of my hand, it crashed down onto a very heavy glass platter below, one of the very few wedding presents I kept and the only one I've made use of everyday. This platter with the gorgeous swirls of cobalt was now shattered. My tastes have changed drastically over the past decade, but I always loved this piece. Everyday it held fruit for the taking and it was quite the something to look at when finally empty. Oh nooooooo...! I wailed. Jake came up from behind and put his arm around my shoulder as we silently looked at the mess. Two of my favorite things gone with one little misstep and life goes on.
A few weeks ago, I ran a nursery school graduation at the Greek Orthodox church I work at. It is a beautiful little school and I have now choreographed 5 graduations filled with music and singing. Despite that, the "Father," an amazing fellow and dad of 4 kids, I might add, never fails to deliver a message that makes me misty eyed. This year, he addressed the nursery graduates each by name, saying... Aris, Maria, Paniotis, Dmitry.... we love you. Just like that, so simple and straight forward. And then went on to explain that they were never too little or too noisy or too this or too that to approach Jesus. I am not a believer, but what he was saying touched me. We are all worthy.
How often do we just go ahead and like and love the things and people we like and love without complication? If I saved that platter for once a year, I wouldn't be quite so sad to now see my fruit on a stock white plate that was Made in China. It's okay, it's a thing and I'm glad I enjoyed it for that good stretch. My point is, carpe diem.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
the backstory
This morning, a violinist who runs a chamber music festival came by to have me listen to her summer pianists. We spread out all over my dining room table, listened to cd after cd and poured over scores as I helped assign chamber music rep for her kids.
So were you always so neat? she asked out of the blue. This was the 3rd time she ever stepped foot in the house and now she was beyond the living room for the first time.
What? Me? I laughed, no!
Your husband must be then, she concluded.
No, definitely not, I laughed some more.
She was quiet and looked around. Your house is the perfect place to just think.... I'm going to come over whenever I need calm to figure something out. I love that sign in your kitchen. (Family Rules)
It's funny you should say so. Last week, I had people here from the synagogue, and I got plenty of advice from those who thought I needed more color on the walls, drapes, things on the walls....
No, no, no, she told me, don't!
Oh, I definitely won't! Don't worry.... We were quiet awhile as she sipped her coffee. The secret is not to have a lot of stuff, there's less to clean, I shrugged.
My youngest son, I began after another pause, was diagnosed with autism at 2-1/2, and for almost 2 years he had 36 hours of services a week, most of it at home. She was now all ears and put down her coffee. Was I really going to tell her all this? We had every service imaginable, in and out therapists came, every single day, I continued. Like the first week, a therapist was over and she suggested that I organize the house differently so everyone could make the most of their time with Belac. I almost had a nervous break down when she told me what she thought I had to do. I was never organized to such a degree! My sister, a neat freak, flew into the rescue and helped me organize the kitchen into a 'nursery school.' She measured and put together floor to ceiling shelves and lined them with all the kids' toys and games, individually labeled and packaged each into see-through plastic bins.... There was a little table and floor space to 'work....' That was the beginning of a new way of life. Our kitchen became Belac's therapy room.
Oh my God! she told me.
Then, I went on, we almost bankrupted ourselves over a special school for Belac. Then, in order to get ourselves to the Sunny Patch schools, we put our house on the market, where it languished empty for 11 months and then sold at a loss. We learned to not spend one penny on things we didn't need... When we left our old house, we had a huge garage sale and by the end of the day everything was free for the taking. We could not be burdened by storing it all while we were in a little rental with no closets! We kept only what we needed and used and what was truly sentimental. People took almost everything, hugged me, one person even cried to get a free dresser, she was so down and out.... It was a real life lesson on the difference between need and want. It ended up being so freeing that we just continued on with this minimalist lifestyle....
She was still listening.
As for not really hanging things on the walls, I like it, too. But at one point, we had no choice. You know, we used to never get through a parking lot without Belac looking at every car icon on all 4 wheels and steering wheel of each car we passed, and reading all of the license plates and every single sign... He was very hyperlexic at one time. Then he'd finally get into school and would read every little thing on the walls instead of paying attention.... So you know, when the goal is to interact with other people and pay attention to PEOPLE, you just don't hang anything on the walls and you don't collect and display chatchkes. So even though things are a million times better with him, today, we have very few things on the walls and basically nothing on display unless it's stuff we really want and need anyone to look at. So that's the story of how it all happened.... and for us, it's really all for the better anyway.
Wow! she told me.
Yeah, I laughed and thought about it a little, wow, come to think of it.
So were you always so neat? she asked out of the blue. This was the 3rd time she ever stepped foot in the house and now she was beyond the living room for the first time.
What? Me? I laughed, no!
Your husband must be then, she concluded.
No, definitely not, I laughed some more.
She was quiet and looked around. Your house is the perfect place to just think.... I'm going to come over whenever I need calm to figure something out. I love that sign in your kitchen. (Family Rules)
It's funny you should say so. Last week, I had people here from the synagogue, and I got plenty of advice from those who thought I needed more color on the walls, drapes, things on the walls....
No, no, no, she told me, don't!
Oh, I definitely won't! Don't worry.... We were quiet awhile as she sipped her coffee. The secret is not to have a lot of stuff, there's less to clean, I shrugged.
My youngest son, I began after another pause, was diagnosed with autism at 2-1/2, and for almost 2 years he had 36 hours of services a week, most of it at home. She was now all ears and put down her coffee. Was I really going to tell her all this? We had every service imaginable, in and out therapists came, every single day, I continued. Like the first week, a therapist was over and she suggested that I organize the house differently so everyone could make the most of their time with Belac. I almost had a nervous break down when she told me what she thought I had to do. I was never organized to such a degree! My sister, a neat freak, flew into the rescue and helped me organize the kitchen into a 'nursery school.' She measured and put together floor to ceiling shelves and lined them with all the kids' toys and games, individually labeled and packaged each into see-through plastic bins.... There was a little table and floor space to 'work....' That was the beginning of a new way of life. Our kitchen became Belac's therapy room.
Oh my God! she told me.
Then, I went on, we almost bankrupted ourselves over a special school for Belac. Then, in order to get ourselves to the Sunny Patch schools, we put our house on the market, where it languished empty for 11 months and then sold at a loss. We learned to not spend one penny on things we didn't need... When we left our old house, we had a huge garage sale and by the end of the day everything was free for the taking. We could not be burdened by storing it all while we were in a little rental with no closets! We kept only what we needed and used and what was truly sentimental. People took almost everything, hugged me, one person even cried to get a free dresser, she was so down and out.... It was a real life lesson on the difference between need and want. It ended up being so freeing that we just continued on with this minimalist lifestyle....
She was still listening.
As for not really hanging things on the walls, I like it, too. But at one point, we had no choice. You know, we used to never get through a parking lot without Belac looking at every car icon on all 4 wheels and steering wheel of each car we passed, and reading all of the license plates and every single sign... He was very hyperlexic at one time. Then he'd finally get into school and would read every little thing on the walls instead of paying attention.... So you know, when the goal is to interact with other people and pay attention to PEOPLE, you just don't hang anything on the walls and you don't collect and display chatchkes. So even though things are a million times better with him, today, we have very few things on the walls and basically nothing on display unless it's stuff we really want and need anyone to look at. So that's the story of how it all happened.... and for us, it's really all for the better anyway.
Wow! she told me.
Yeah, I laughed and thought about it a little, wow, come to think of it.
Monday, June 18, 2012
D-O-N-E
Jake just spent the past 3 hours finishing up his last. homework. of. 5th. grade. I am so relieved for him. HALLELUJAH!
He's now in a swim suit and has packed a bag. He is going to the town pool where for 10 dollars, you can hang out for 2 hours with other 5-8 graders, swim and eat hamburgers and ice cream. Other classmates are going and he's so happy. I'm so happy to see him so happy....
He's now in a swim suit and has packed a bag. He is going to the town pool where for 10 dollars, you can hang out for 2 hours with other 5-8 graders, swim and eat hamburgers and ice cream. Other classmates are going and he's so happy. I'm so happy to see him so happy....
end of the year
Heard kids walking on the sidewalk in front of the house. Peeked out just in enough time to see Belac's class returning from a picnic at the nearby park. "There's my house!!" I heard Belac call out. I ran out the door and waved. MOM!!! MOM!!! HI MOM!!! THERE'S MY MOM!!! he screamed with the biggest smiling face. Izzy called out "HI!!!!!" as did Crissi and the others. And off they kept walking.
Last night, I sat with Jake a while. I hope I have a good week, he told me, you know why. I sat quietly. Look, I said, we'll talk about it. That's what dad told me, he sighed. It's just that, he paused and wiped his eyes, everyone has one. All the kids text each other and I feel so left out.... he again wiped his eyes with his sheet over his face. I could feel his pain. What a hard year it's been for him.
More than once I wished Jake had a cell phone so I could text him to remind him of the things he needed to bring home from school. More than once, I wanted to pick him up from school in bad weather to spare him getting soaked or just wondered why he wasn't home yet. Another time I just wanted to be reassured that he got to Hebrew school safely.... We live in a walking district and so for practical reasons, a lot of kids have them. Don't think I'm ready for this can of worms, though. Hubby and I are going to have to talk about this one. But one thing is for sure. When the time comes, we are going to have to buy a freakin' amazing insurance plan.
Last night, I sat with Jake a while. I hope I have a good week, he told me, you know why. I sat quietly. Look, I said, we'll talk about it. That's what dad told me, he sighed. It's just that, he paused and wiped his eyes, everyone has one. All the kids text each other and I feel so left out.... he again wiped his eyes with his sheet over his face. I could feel his pain. What a hard year it's been for him.
More than once I wished Jake had a cell phone so I could text him to remind him of the things he needed to bring home from school. More than once, I wanted to pick him up from school in bad weather to spare him getting soaked or just wondered why he wasn't home yet. Another time I just wanted to be reassured that he got to Hebrew school safely.... We live in a walking district and so for practical reasons, a lot of kids have them. Don't think I'm ready for this can of worms, though. Hubby and I are going to have to talk about this one. But one thing is for sure. When the time comes, we are going to have to buy a freakin' amazing insurance plan.
growing pains
What are you doing?? I asked my friend as we were talking on the phone, late the other night. I'm vacuuming... she spoke loudly over the drone, I am in the basement, trying to make hubby happy.
The shit had hit the fan over there and we talked at length. I have known my friend my entire life and love her. She and hubby are the closest friends hubby and I have. We played the music at their wedding, we've spent holidays and trips together, their kids are my kids. Great times, some of the best times, actually. Over a lifetime, I've called her about anything and everything but for the first time, my friend - a sought after physician - sounds anything but sure of herself.
Listen to me, I told her, turn off the vacuum. Go upstairs, take a shower, and get into bed. NAKED.
She laughed. I was happy to hear her laugh, first time all week.
Cleaning the house is not what this is all about, I continued, and you know I'm right. Hire a professional organizer! Get a cleaning lady to come every day...! I know it's stressful right now, I admitted, but you love him, you really do, I know you do. And he loves you, I am sure of it. (I noticed she was now very quiet.) Don't let this continue on like this. That vacuum is not going to save your marriage. Really, go upstairs, A.
Only if you do the same, she joked.
Deal! I said, now GO. Wish him a Happy Father's Day....
More laughter.
They both have jobs that are demanding and stressful. They have 3 kids in private school. Nannies and hired help who never do what they're supposed to do before leaving for the next best thing after a year. Their house is a wreck and everyday is a logistical nightmare. It's more than any normal person can handle and something has to give.
More laughter.
They both have jobs that are demanding and stressful. They have 3 kids in private school. Nannies and hired help who never do what they're supposed to do before leaving for the next best thing after a year. Their house is a wreck and everyday is a logistical nightmare. It's more than any normal person can handle and something has to give.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Clearwater
Spent a relaxing day at the Clearwater Music Festival, yesterday. We were invited by a family we've started to become very friendly with. Our boys have been going to the same school, attend the same Hebrew School, went to the same camp, but it has taken awhile for parents to get as chummy. They are the ones we had the 3rd seder with. Our time together has been surprisingly fun and over the past few months, there have now been bike rides, hikes, dinners.... Maybe it comes from a better place that our relationships haven't been so fast to develop.
This morning, hubby went on an early morning bike ride with the dad. Jake and I greeted them at our doorstep and as we were talking, Jake had his arms around me. As the dad said goodbye, he whispered cryptically out his window at me. "Just remember, it's not your stress."
I was surprised and flabbergasted at the unexpected comment. He had obviously overheard my phone conversation with hubby on their ride home. I knew exactly what he was talking about without his having to say a word more. And it's profound, come to think of it.
What is going on with Jake is HIS stress. And I have to remember that. I am here to help him and do anything and everything I can to help him, but it helps no one for me to internalize his stress as my own. It's his stress.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
the truth
Hubby has lost substantial weight and has kept it off these past years by exercising every day. I have caught the bug, too. And although I know it's not good to be obsessed about the actual numbers, it's a nice way to keep motivated and honest, especially when you've gotten some momentum going. We just realized our current scale has not exactly been telling the truth, at least not consistently.... The other day, hubby gained and lost 3, 6, then 5 pounds in a 3 minute time frame. Did I really lose the weight I thought I did?
Our new bathroom scale just arrived at our doorstep! It's a balance one, like the kind you find at the doctor's office. I want to know the truth. We mean business!
Our new bathroom scale just arrived at our doorstep! It's a balance one, like the kind you find at the doctor's office. I want to know the truth. We mean business!
be our guest
Hubby's cousin's son arrived late, last Friday. He's 19 years old and has a 10-week internship at a NYC based company. He asked to stay the night or two and today, almost one week later, here he still is. He's looking for a place to camp out in the city, but you know what? We love that he's here. What an amazing kid and a great role model for my boys. It's not like he's had much time to be with them, but as soon as the kids get home, they keep asking, where is Ari? When is he coming home? Is he going to be here tomorrow, too? Is he going on our trips with us? I appreciate that despite accomplishing at his age what most kids have not, he is so warm, friendly and unassuming. He holds his own. You just don't usually see all of that in just one person, especially not at just 19. Of course, he should do what's best for him, but if he wants to stay, he can totally stay. We hope he stays.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
waiting
Hubby always worries about his job. Part of it is because he works for a corporation and cuts happen all of the time. No one is special when it comes to the bottom line. But part of it is simply his nature. He expects a lot of himself and keeps things close to heart. Over the years, I've learned to take his concerns with the grain of salt. Last night, though, when he alluded to worries after a 14 hour day, something he hasn't done in a very long time, I felt a little more concerned than usual....
These past 3 months, I've been running. I'm now on the treadmill 40 minutes every week day while watching CNN. I never watched tv regularly my whole adult life and always preferred to read my news. Suddenly, though, I am inundated with the visuals of this sorry economy and profiles of the desperate unemployed.... I've always been careful with money and not buying what I can't afford, but the doom and gloom speak has caused me to be hyper vigilant about our spending.
And so our efforts have stalled on the kitchen, even as it slowly continues to fall apart. We do have enough to fix it up modestly and can't put it off forever. However, I just can't sign my name to the project. I think, maybe in January labor costs will be cheaper. Maybe we will have that much more saved up. Maybe the appliances, especially the failing, custom-sized cooktop will somehow live on.... What can I say? It wasn't so long ago that we struggled to pay for Belac's private tuition at a special ed school. Moved for a public school, simultaneously carried a rental we lived in and a mortgage on an empty house for 11 months, then sustained a significant loss on our sale price. We were dealt certain cards, played them the best we could and miraculously landed on two feet. We were lucky, plain and simple. But I'm not so naive to assume that the game ends here and that the unexpected won't strike again. I'll sleep better at night knowing we are preparing for the just-in-case, even if I end up with a portable cook top next to my table top convection oven.
These past 3 months, I've been running. I'm now on the treadmill 40 minutes every week day while watching CNN. I never watched tv regularly my whole adult life and always preferred to read my news. Suddenly, though, I am inundated with the visuals of this sorry economy and profiles of the desperate unemployed.... I've always been careful with money and not buying what I can't afford, but the doom and gloom speak has caused me to be hyper vigilant about our spending.
And so our efforts have stalled on the kitchen, even as it slowly continues to fall apart. We do have enough to fix it up modestly and can't put it off forever. However, I just can't sign my name to the project. I think, maybe in January labor costs will be cheaper. Maybe we will have that much more saved up. Maybe the appliances, especially the failing, custom-sized cooktop will somehow live on.... What can I say? It wasn't so long ago that we struggled to pay for Belac's private tuition at a special ed school. Moved for a public school, simultaneously carried a rental we lived in and a mortgage on an empty house for 11 months, then sustained a significant loss on our sale price. We were dealt certain cards, played them the best we could and miraculously landed on two feet. We were lucky, plain and simple. But I'm not so naive to assume that the game ends here and that the unexpected won't strike again. I'll sleep better at night knowing we are preparing for the just-in-case, even if I end up with a portable cook top next to my table top convection oven.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
gains and losses
For almost 3 months, I've been running 12-15 miles per week and have been more mindful of my eating. Physically, I have never felt better and the bonus is, I've also lost 4 pounds. So glad I caught the bug and hope to keep this up.
phone call
"Hi, it's Natalie," I heard. The middle school nurse and I are now on a first name basis. "I have Jake here complaining of a stomach ache (now whispering) and he just started his math test..."
Jake, I heard her ask, is the math test hard?
I heard mumbling. He needs to go back to class. Natalie, can you put him on?
Hey, Jake, what's going on? My stomach feels funny.... Are you taking the math test now? Yes. Is it hard? I don't know, I just started it.
Listen, Jake.... I softened my voice. You studied last night and you studied this morning. You know your tree diagrams really well, and you can use this method to solve almost any probability problem. So when in doubt, draw a tree diagram, okay? You know how to do it.... Go back to class and finish the test, you studied and I know you'll be fine. If you don't finish in time, then ask to have a few minutes at lunch or activity period, okay? You showed me this morning you can easily do it! Now. If, after the test, you still have a stomach ache then call me back.
"Jake! Good luck! Thumbs up!" I heard the nurse say before she came back on the line.
Ugh, I said to Natalie. Why does his teacher let him leave the classroom like this? Why doesn't she herself know or think to give Jake a little pep talk? What is going on in that classroom??
I know, was all Natalie could whisper.
I don't know how to thank you for this year, I told her before hanging up. I feel like you're the only person who truly cares about him in that building.
Ugh, I think to myself. I should have never yelled at him last night. We totally need to get him some help.
Jake, I heard her ask, is the math test hard?
I heard mumbling. He needs to go back to class. Natalie, can you put him on?
Hey, Jake, what's going on? My stomach feels funny.... Are you taking the math test now? Yes. Is it hard? I don't know, I just started it.
Listen, Jake.... I softened my voice. You studied last night and you studied this morning. You know your tree diagrams really well, and you can use this method to solve almost any probability problem. So when in doubt, draw a tree diagram, okay? You know how to do it.... Go back to class and finish the test, you studied and I know you'll be fine. If you don't finish in time, then ask to have a few minutes at lunch or activity period, okay? You showed me this morning you can easily do it! Now. If, after the test, you still have a stomach ache then call me back.
"Jake! Good luck! Thumbs up!" I heard the nurse say before she came back on the line.
Ugh, I said to Natalie. Why does his teacher let him leave the classroom like this? Why doesn't she herself know or think to give Jake a little pep talk? What is going on in that classroom??
I know, was all Natalie could whisper.
I don't know how to thank you for this year, I told her before hanging up. I feel like you're the only person who truly cares about him in that building.
Ugh, I think to myself. I should have never yelled at him last night. We totally need to get him some help.
squeeaaaakKKKKKK!
Did not have one of my prouder moments with Jake, last night. By the time I was done teaching at 6, we discovered he did not bring his math books home to study for a test the next day. He had to go to and back from school. Then going over his math packet that was self-corrected in class, we realized how much of it wasn't corrected properly and at this point, I did not always know what the correct answers were. He admitted to not really paying attention. And for the 10 millionth time, he was doing math in pen. And writing sloppily. And then when all was said and done, he realized he forgot his writing assignment at school and it was too late to go back. And then upon questioning, I found out that he gave away his project checklist to a friend in order to help him out, when Jake - of all people - needed this list even more!
I lost it. I sighed. I yelled. I had my head in my hands. I said some harsh things that I know made things only worse. And then I sent him up to bed as he sobbed. I felt terrible. I felt and feel like I have failed him.
Despite my immediate frustration attacks, I do realize deep down that Jake cannot help whatever is going on. He's anxious and disorganized and in many ways, it has only gotten worse over the year despite all of our interventions. I am now thinking about getting him evaluated or at least figuring out who or what could help him. A long time ago, someone told me that he thought Jake was a mild version of Belac. I didn't see it, because they are just so different personality wise. Belac, by the way, is very organized and has a completely different set of challenges. However, I recognize that Belac, the squeaky wheel, has gotten everything and is thriving. Jake was never so squeaky until recently. We really need to figure out the same for Jake.
I lost it. I sighed. I yelled. I had my head in my hands. I said some harsh things that I know made things only worse. And then I sent him up to bed as he sobbed. I felt terrible. I felt and feel like I have failed him.
Despite my immediate frustration attacks, I do realize deep down that Jake cannot help whatever is going on. He's anxious and disorganized and in many ways, it has only gotten worse over the year despite all of our interventions. I am now thinking about getting him evaluated or at least figuring out who or what could help him. A long time ago, someone told me that he thought Jake was a mild version of Belac. I didn't see it, because they are just so different personality wise. Belac, by the way, is very organized and has a completely different set of challenges. However, I recognize that Belac, the squeaky wheel, has gotten everything and is thriving. Jake was never so squeaky until recently. We really need to figure out the same for Jake.
Monday, June 11, 2012
12th
card for hubby
Looking at our watches and knowing we had to get going, we passed an adorable looking couple with grey hair. They were dressed fashionably, looked relaxed and happy, and had been sitting near us all along. You're the sweetest looking couple and I have to ask... How long have you been together? 38 years! she replied, surprised and laughing. Don't take everything too seriously, that's all, the man told us.
It could have gone so many different ways for hubby and me. Only my mom and one of my sisters knew just how close we came to totally unraveling at one point. Over the diagnosis, sadness, confusion, money, stress... Funny thing is that our marriage probably became stronger because of all that. We certainly could not have landed at this much better place without each other and I know we each deeply understand that. I would say, love each other. Don't take each other for granted. Also, don't let yourself go to pot.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
better
Yesterday was a morning on the violin and a little concert at our house. It's bewildering for me to realize that I play the violin much better now than I ever did in music school when I was practicing all of the time. I don't practice as much, haven't had a lesson in over 20 years and am even less perfect. But I do have more conviction and poise with every note and I am not afraid. Maybe the years do that to you. Same thing about the Taiwanese on our recent trip. 20 years prior, I was so tongue tied there and not engaging the way I wanted. This time, I spoke with everyone whether I knew I had the words or not. I just made it up as I went along, knowing I may never get back there again. My husband was shocked that I was able to carry on like that, never seeing me hold my own in a language he could not even begin to understand. My parents were absolutely floored I could speak so well. And honestly, I really didn't know that I was so capable myself until I just dove in.
My point is. I had it in me this whole time, the basic skills to do these things, but not the mindset to use what I have. I mean, I didn't even know I could do these things - play the violin with relative abandon, speak Taiwanese, string two words together here - because I was inhibited, insecure, or whatever it was that prevented me from just doing. So maybe things do improve with age, as the saying goes. Or maybe you simply need to find deeper meaning in an activity before you become really good. All I can say is. Believing in yourself goes a long, long way.
My point is. I had it in me this whole time, the basic skills to do these things, but not the mindset to use what I have. I mean, I didn't even know I could do these things - play the violin with relative abandon, speak Taiwanese, string two words together here - because I was inhibited, insecure, or whatever it was that prevented me from just doing. So maybe things do improve with age, as the saying goes. Or maybe you simply need to find deeper meaning in an activity before you become really good. All I can say is. Believing in yourself goes a long, long way.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
last minute email
Dear Sharona,
This is Jake and Belac's mom writing. I hope you are well! I haven't seen you since ages ago and I never had the chance to follow up and see how things are. I've been thinking about you.
We are having a congregational kiddush at our house today and I hope if you're free, you and your family can come. We have a badminton net set up and pulled some tables outside for lunch. I think the weather is supposed to be good.
If not today, I hope to see you soon. Wishing you a good summer!
Gimky
A couple of years ago, Belac was kicked out of the babysitting room during High Holiday services for bad behavior. I apologized to the monitor immediately and gave her no flack. She saw the way I reprimanded Belac. Then 20 minutes later, I was surprised to feel a tap on my shoulder. She came back to get Belac to "try again" with him. Since that day, the monitor and I have been very friendly.
Then a few months ago, I ran into her. She was at least 50 pounds slimmer. Hello, Sharona! You look great! I hugged her. Funny thing, she told me, because I've never been so sick in my life and everyone tells me how great I look. Ugh. They thought she had this, they thought she had that, cancer, something in her brain, they just couldn't figure it out. Oh God.
Then a few days ago, I found out in passing that there was someone in the congregation that was suicidal. The hubby and children (not much older than Jake) were all pleading for help. Is it someone I know? I asked my friend. We don't go to services often, I know like nobody. She was reluctant to say. It's okay, tell me! Maybe I can do something.... So that's how I came to find out. It's Sharona.
This is Jake and Belac's mom writing. I hope you are well! I haven't seen you since ages ago and I never had the chance to follow up and see how things are. I've been thinking about you.
We are having a congregational kiddush at our house today and I hope if you're free, you and your family can come. We have a badminton net set up and pulled some tables outside for lunch. I think the weather is supposed to be good.
If not today, I hope to see you soon. Wishing you a good summer!
Gimky
A couple of years ago, Belac was kicked out of the babysitting room during High Holiday services for bad behavior. I apologized to the monitor immediately and gave her no flack. She saw the way I reprimanded Belac. Then 20 minutes later, I was surprised to feel a tap on my shoulder. She came back to get Belac to "try again" with him. Since that day, the monitor and I have been very friendly.
Then a few months ago, I ran into her. She was at least 50 pounds slimmer. Hello, Sharona! You look great! I hugged her. Funny thing, she told me, because I've never been so sick in my life and everyone tells me how great I look. Ugh. They thought she had this, they thought she had that, cancer, something in her brain, they just couldn't figure it out. Oh God.
Then a few days ago, I found out in passing that there was someone in the congregation that was suicidal. The hubby and children (not much older than Jake) were all pleading for help. Is it someone I know? I asked my friend. We don't go to services often, I know like nobody. She was reluctant to say. It's okay, tell me! Maybe I can do something.... So that's how I came to find out. It's Sharona.
Friday, June 8, 2012
blessing
Brought dinner to Kati's, tonight, where we ate outside and kids ran around. Eventually Kati and I joined the kids on the trampoline and it was wild. 6 of us were jumping at the same time, Izzy gripped my hands tightly and I just never flew through the air like that and screamed and laughed my head off. It was simple, easy and perfect. We ate rice, salad and chicken off the grill. And most importantly, our own house could stay clean.
Tomorrow, we host a congregational kiddush at our house. What was I thinking? So much needed to happen this week. The yard needed to be weeded. The garage cleaned out. Things organized. The house scrubbed down. Food purchased. Logistics figured out. On top of a busy week with the nursery school and graduation, today, and playing my violin for morning services tomorrow, what was I thinking? For some reason, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do....
GOOD BYE BROTHER!!!! Izzy screamed as we began to drive away. GOOD BYE ISABELLE!!! Belac screamed back, then corrected, ISABELLE, ISABELLE...! GOOD BYE SISTER!!! Jake just laughed saying nothing. GOOD NIGHT DAUGHTER, I called out.
If Izzy's dad had not managed to transfer back to NY, the family would be living with us by now and preparing to move. So relieved they're staying.
Tomorrow, we host a congregational kiddush at our house. What was I thinking? So much needed to happen this week. The yard needed to be weeded. The garage cleaned out. Things organized. The house scrubbed down. Food purchased. Logistics figured out. On top of a busy week with the nursery school and graduation, today, and playing my violin for morning services tomorrow, what was I thinking? For some reason, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do....
GOOD BYE BROTHER!!!! Izzy screamed as we began to drive away. GOOD BYE ISABELLE!!! Belac screamed back, then corrected, ISABELLE, ISABELLE...! GOOD BYE SISTER!!! Jake just laughed saying nothing. GOOD NIGHT DAUGHTER, I called out.
If Izzy's dad had not managed to transfer back to NY, the family would be living with us by now and preparing to move. So relieved they're staying.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
making the most of it
The towering top heavy trees being gone and the net has changed everything. Last night, we hung out back over wine and badminton. It was surreal. Jake is very good and Belac can occasionally return a shot, though he has the funniest little serve. It's interesting to remember. Even though we had more usable land and a much prettier yard at the house with the hill, we didn't have a big enough space that was flat enough for a badminton net.
So even if it's a small patch of green in the back of this house, it's very valuable. We otherwise never really enjoyed sitting on this driveway, nor was the hilly pachysandra out front an option. That we now have a tucked away spot to be out back for the first time is sweet. It's like we just inherited some real estate!
So even if it's a small patch of green in the back of this house, it's very valuable. We otherwise never really enjoyed sitting on this driveway, nor was the hilly pachysandra out front an option. That we now have a tucked away spot to be out back for the first time is sweet. It's like we just inherited some real estate!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
budding artist
Read over the reams of paperwork today. Came across a report from Belac's art teacher dated June 5. It was a single page among piles of academic testing and updates throughout the year. It was like an after thought but there it was and her succinct observations spoke to me. He has a new art teacher, this year. She wrote:
CONFIDENTIAL TEACHER REPORT
1. List the student's strengths: Belac is wonderful in art. He understands the concepts and techniques. He has a natural talent and should pursue art and art classes (drawing*) in the future.
2. List any weaknesses the student may be having: Belac needs refocusing and help staying on task. Belac tends to lose focus in what he's doing. Belac also has difficulty completing his work on time.
3. Please comment on the student's behavior and effort: Belac's effort is fantastic when kept on task. He gets along most of the time with his peers, but sometimes has difficulty with being focused.
4. Please comment on the progress the student has made this year: He makes more eye contact but should continue working on this. He has better time management regarding his work.
CONFIDENTIAL TEACHER REPORT
1. List the student's strengths: Belac is wonderful in art. He understands the concepts and techniques. He has a natural talent and should pursue art and art classes (drawing*) in the future.
2. List any weaknesses the student may be having: Belac needs refocusing and help staying on task. Belac tends to lose focus in what he's doing. Belac also has difficulty completing his work on time.
3. Please comment on the student's behavior and effort: Belac's effort is fantastic when kept on task. He gets along most of the time with his peers, but sometimes has difficulty with being focused.
4. Please comment on the progress the student has made this year: He makes more eye contact but should continue working on this. He has better time management regarding his work.
wip
My Amazon order arrived, yesterday. I had all the parts spread out on the yard trying to figure out how it was supposed to fit together when I heard Jake ask, what are you doing? The badminton net had arrived. Without all the trees with shedding limbs out back, we now had the perfect little green patch for badminton. He put down his pack and came to help. The instructions were written terribly, the net kept falling down, but together, Jake and I finally came up with a solution. 20 minutes later, Jake and I were volleying the birdies between us. Had we EVER started our afternoon together doing something fun and different like this? It was an hour later when it began to rain, and only then did we finally head in and start talking about homework.
Again, he forgot to bring his homework home. Ugh. Jake! Why do you do this to yourself? Did you forget the 45 minutes you spent, yesterday, going back to school, finding a janitor to let you in, and walking home in the rain? This is exactly where we've been all year with this. 2-3 times a week this is happening and the year will be done in 2 weeks....
Later, right before bed, Jake felt like a snack and we were at the kitchen table.... Do you think it's better for me to be tough with you or more supportive with you? I asked. Tears began rolling down his face. Tough, so I will do the right thing. But the thing is, he was now sobbing, I know if you're too tough then I have a chance not to believe in myself.... So do you think I should be more tough or more supportive? Silence. I really want to know, Jake. I feel like something isn't working and you need to help me help you. You're 50-50, he replied as he continued to weep.
Eat your pizza, sweetie, I nudged him after awhile.
I'm not hungry anymore...
Don't be ridiculous, Jake, eat. I waited for him to take a bite.
You know the company I hired to weed our lawn? Jake nodded. That owner was the only person who always returned my phone calls and showed up when he said he would, and that's why I hired him. Because I could depend on him. Jake nodded. And you want to know something else? He may or may not have a college degree, but guess what? He lives in a house with 8 acres and sent 3 kids to college. He bought a house in Florida. It's not what you'd exactly expect from someone who makes a living taking care of lawns, but he runs a very good company. He's nice, he's fair and dependable. He is very organized and cuts 60 lawns a day, 6 days a week! Some of his customers and employees have been with him 17 years. That's amazing, you know?
He nodded as he kept eating.
You know what else? I continued. The other day I overheard Pops make a comment to dad. You know what he said? Jake shook his head. Pops said he was pretty surprised that dad had figured things out the way he has. In other words, Pops was not exactly convinced before that dad would end up doing so well. And you know what that tells me? Jake was now fully listening and not eating. It tells me that dad had things to work on and that his parents were worried about him. It tells me that things were not exactly easy or always smooth sailing for dad. You know how everyone laughs that dad almost repeated Kindergarten? And in school he drove his teachers crazy for always having his head in the clouds and not doing his work? I think it probably wasn't very funny at the time and we only laugh now because dad has come so far.
I was a misfit, I now heard hubby agree from behind me before sitting down. I had to work really hard and hard at things that came easily to a lot of other people.
My point is, Jake, we are going to help you figure things out, but you now need to be part of these decisions, too, because you know yourself the best. When we talk about your challenges it's not what you call 'rubbing it in,' it's about understanding the problem so we can fix it. That's how things get better, facing up to the challenges. Dad had to do it and keeps doing it, and you can definitely do it, too.
This morning, Jake came running home just after leaving. Mom! I have 5 minutes until class and I'm not going to make it on time! Can you please drive me?
Of course I can! That's my boy!
This morning, Jake came running home just after leaving. Mom! I have 5 minutes until class and I'm not going to make it on time! Can you please drive me?
Of course I can! That's my boy!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
good
I held back tears, hubby admitted as he ran off to work.
What...? When? In the meeting? Just now? I asked in bewilderment.
He nodded and kissed me goodbye. A few years ago we wouldn't have allowed ourselves to even dream he could come this far, he explained.
And then off he went, the mush ball cloaked in tough exterior.
What...? When? In the meeting? Just now? I asked in bewilderment.
He nodded and kissed me goodbye. A few years ago we wouldn't have allowed ourselves to even dream he could come this far, he explained.
And then off he went, the mush ball cloaked in tough exterior.
IEP meeting
Belac's official IEP meeting this afternoon. It is the most important meeting of the year and I require hubby to be there. Not because I need him to say anything. In fact, it's sometimes better if he doesn't utter a word. His rare presence just keeps everyone on their toes. He knows how to keep a discussion focused and productive. He holds people accountable for their decisions in a way I am sometimes unable. I can be too forgiving at times. We are a bad cop - good cop kind of team.
Not expecting any surprises, but you never know. 6 teachers/administrators will be there, and it's not always possible to predict a last minute kind of glitch. I am pushing for Belac to continue in a typical class with Aide, even if they have to (threaten to) cut back on the Aide in attempt to push him into the modified class, where they will surely save some serious dough. His challenges are not exactly academic, they are behavioral and so I strongly oppose the modified class on those grounds. Wish us luck!
Monday, June 4, 2012
the importance of friendship
Leaving the restaurant, someone was being sung Happy Birthday to at another table. I smiled at the group, sang along in harmony as I passed, and continued my way out the door after clapping politely for an extremely old looking person. The mom of Belac's classmate caught up with me and draped her arm around my shoulders as we walked together. You know why I know Belac is going to be okay? she whispered in my ear. Her own daughter has special needs and I was all ears. Because you are such a social creature, she told me as she kissed me good night. Actually, he's not the only one I'm worried about, I pointed out, actually I'm more worried about the other one right now.... They're both going to be okay because you are their mom, she reassured me. I hope so, was all I could say and now turned to look at her. I think yours are going to be okay for the same reason, you know. And with not a word more, we shared a long squeeze. I patted her back before we went off our merry ways.
Dress Barn
Went to some fancy dinner, last night. I complimented a friend's dress that was so simple and fit her beautifully like the perfect glove. By the way, can I ask you where you bought it? thinking it was the kind of thing I might want to wear. She hesitated and then began, I could never tell anyone at work, all the women spend outrageous money on their clothes... but I know I'm talking to you, Gimky.... She was stammering. This was obviously hard for her as some company bigwig. I bought this at Dress Barn, she finally and reluctantly admitted.
Awesome! That's a great purchase! I told her. By the way, you know this shirt you just complimented me on? And not that I agree with you, but didn't you just tell me that I always look so put together? She nodded. I pulled my collar away from my neck so she could read the tag. She squinted to read before immediately bursting into laughter. Dress Barn. I offered my hand for a high five and reassured her, no shame with me!
Awesome! That's a great purchase! I told her. By the way, you know this shirt you just complimented me on? And not that I agree with you, but didn't you just tell me that I always look so put together? She nodded. I pulled my collar away from my neck so she could read the tag. She squinted to read before immediately bursting into laughter. Dress Barn. I offered my hand for a high five and reassured her, no shame with me!
3 miles a day
I tell myself over and over it will be just 40 minutes of my day and then I start the treadmill. This is how I now jog 3 miles a day. At 5 mph I am as comfortable as I ever will be about just doing it, no faster, no slower, no excuses.
My FIL complimented me on my hair the other day. I said to him, you know it's not the hair, right? As you can see, it's getting grayer by the second and I refuse to do anything about it, I laughed. It's the running, definitely the running.
Run for you life. Seriously. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
My FIL complimented me on my hair the other day. I said to him, you know it's not the hair, right? As you can see, it's getting grayer by the second and I refuse to do anything about it, I laughed. It's the running, definitely the running.
Run for you life. Seriously. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
white clover
7 guys, 4 hours, 34 large bags filled to the brim with just weeds, all on a Sunday morning. Wow, my FIL remarked, I can now see the street! It is wild what an improvement it is and what a different impression it makes with the yard all cleaned up. One of my neighbors literally breathed a sigh of relief in my presence!
So now there are bald patches everywhere. We'll mulch one large section but in the back, I'm planting white clover. I bought a huge bag of seed for just 20 bucks. The landscaper was astonished. You do realize that's a weed?? And all I could do was laugh. White clover grows in bad soil and needs no watering, unlike grass. It doesn't grow very tall, so you don't have to mow much, and it's green for the most part. At least it's green enough for me. It actually improves soil conditions, too. What's there not to love about a yard full of white clover? Yes, I know! It's a weed. I'm fighting weeds with a weed.
So now there are bald patches everywhere. We'll mulch one large section but in the back, I'm planting white clover. I bought a huge bag of seed for just 20 bucks. The landscaper was astonished. You do realize that's a weed?? And all I could do was laugh. White clover grows in bad soil and needs no watering, unlike grass. It doesn't grow very tall, so you don't have to mow much, and it's green for the most part. At least it's green enough for me. It actually improves soil conditions, too. What's there not to love about a yard full of white clover? Yes, I know! It's a weed. I'm fighting weeds with a weed.
Friday, June 1, 2012
confusion
I wonder how my kids will remember me later. They'll have pictures. Maybe they'll have this blog to read.... But still they could think any number of things.
The other day, I was talking to a friend, a 46 year old with 3 children. Her kids have been studying piano with me for years, and her son and my son have become very good buddies. Over the years, I pieced together the tidbits of a very rough childhood as 1 of 8 (then 7) kids. She was beaten regularly by both parents. And I don't know how we ended up talking about it, the other night, but she told me that her mother recently admitted that she beat her the worst of all her kids because my friend never cried. Her mother kept trying to get her to cry and she just wouldn't. Just recalling that conversation, I noticed she could barely look at me for fear of... crying? My friend, the only one of her siblings that hasn't become addicted to drugs or alcohol or lost in a hellhole of anger, instead eats organic foods, plays old fashioned games with her kids, is full of life and has so much presence in the now. A tough, tough, cookie paired with the hugest heart and I just love her. She lives a life, now, worlds apart from what she knew growing up, and yet it's right there, all of it. So close. I think she probably became a massage therapist because her every touch had to be a supportive and positive one....
My history is much different from my friend's. I love my parents dearly, but it was definitely complicated with my mom and in a way, subsequently, complicated with my dad.... And then look what happened. My one sis has not married. I really have no idea why. I consider her an amazing catch. I married someone opposite of my dad, someone who would never tolerate certain behavior from a spouse or mother of his children, and my other sis married someone very similar to my dad.... We each chose our different paths.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. It just matters a lot to me that I behave a certain way with my kids and that they respect me. That they know I really care about them. Maybe it matters too much. And yet I am like a fish out of water. My sisters and I sailed through prestigious schools and achieved certain things to a certain degree that my own boys may not... It's just such a strange thing to figure out. Was it that hardness which created extremely self-sufficient, high achieving, but in some ways emotionally secure (and insecure) kids...? I mean, can't my boys become both high achieving and secure with a more supportive, softer approach? I'd be so proud of my boys if they turned out like my sisters.... but honestly, what is going on in their upbringing now is nothing like what I lived.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. It just matters a lot to me that I behave a certain way with my kids and that they respect me. That they know I really care about them. Maybe it matters too much. And yet I am like a fish out of water. My sisters and I sailed through prestigious schools and achieved certain things to a certain degree that my own boys may not... It's just such a strange thing to figure out. Was it that hardness which created extremely self-sufficient, high achieving, but in some ways emotionally secure (and insecure) kids...? I mean, can't my boys become both high achieving and secure with a more supportive, softer approach? I'd be so proud of my boys if they turned out like my sisters.... but honestly, what is going on in their upbringing now is nothing like what I lived.
establishing hierarchy
One of the strange things about this house is that it has a garbage closet, accessible from the outside. It's large enough to hold 4 large garbage cans, recycle bins and any other crap you can squeeze in there. It is enclosed, insulated space and counted as 'livable square footage' of the house. Our garbage gets premium taxed space!
Interesting thing is that this garbage closet sits right next to a secondary entrance and shares its backwall with an interior hall closet. Combine those closets, replace the garbage door with a window, and we now have a nice little mudroom. It's not an expensive project, relatively speaking, and requires no permits, but makes so much better use of the space.
And snap! The garbage goes into a shed or garage where it rightfully belongs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)