Homecoming

Incredible evening. Standing ovation at concert. Drinks out with friends afterwards And laughed myself silly. Friend told me, Gimky you are exactly as I remember you!! Is that a good thing? It's a good thing!!! He told me.

I laughed my head off at the stories told. The sister and I caught up on astonishing stuff like we were 13 again.

My family was there for me and my dad hugged me. Friends' mom who hadn't heard me in OMG 25 years hugged me and said I was amazing. For sure, I am a better pianist now than I was  at 18 years old, but I felt somehow blessed to hear this from someone from another lifetime. Her own children were not shabby either...!

Just one more day at the festival but I feel officially on vacay after tonight! But it is so late, how will I drive myself up north after my last long day????

Somehow. Totally worth it.

No time

Belac up until 4am. Couldn't sleep. Laid down with me and we talked. Ugh I was so tired. Worried it's due to hormone. He was now anxious about why he couldn't sleep or eat... Back to back all day long, basically 9am to 7:30p with an hour for lunch and dinner, just in time to eat something fast when I zoom home to let the dog out,. Concert tonight and actually violinist and I are now getting along brilliantly although it doesn't change that he is creepy and neurotic and I'm not interested in the chumminess. Phone call earlier. Insurance is making us change growth hormone company. Are they kidding? We already began it, they knew, they are sorry. The shots will no longer come premixed and I will have to go through another training. big sis just flew in. Both little and big are coming to concert tonight, and my dad.

I've been just a bit too busy between the festival, taking care of Belac into wee hours and doing everything I can to make sure the dog does nothing bad at sister's house.

Telling hubby about my time, I realize how lucky I am. Little sis works like this everyday, full time job and with 3 kids. She is very stressed out in a way that I have the luxury of not being because I generally don't have her hours. Will I come back? I was asked. Yes. But next year, I will play technically less demanding music. And I will come in a couple of days before.

Tomorrow night I drive up to meet everyone up north. I will be the last to arrive after accompanying student performances and dropping the dog off someplace, and driving the 5 hours during Friday traffic. It's my favorite vacation of the year, can't wait

Pain

Arrived to find a mom waiting for me and crying outside of my room. What's wrong? She weeped. Oh no.... I knew there were problems with the other piano teacher, who is rigid and I guess intense. Her son was given much too difficult a part in chamber music, I had rewritten his part for him and tried to talk to his teacher about making the piano part 4 handed, and she had refused. Unsurprisingly, things were not going well in chamber music rehearsal with the other parts, all of whom have half and whole notes next to his rambling eighths...

I went and got my friend. We stood in the corner as the mom sobbed about the intensity and negativity and my friend was dismayed, this is not at all what this place is about. We hear you, I added, and I am so proud of you son who is such a hardworker and has such a good attitude!! Apparently, to top it off, a parent had made a snide remark to this mom....

In between lessons, I went to find my friend to chat. What was that...? His breath was strong. He was now putting a sandwich in his mouth. Everytine I see him he is eating.  But now I had really lost my train of thought in the 2 minutes we were trying to sneak in a few words. Was that... Liquor I smelled? Could it be coffee? It wasn't coffee, mouthwash? It was so unexpected and I was so distracted and dismayed at what I hoped wasn't true that I couldn't meaningfully talk. I hope to God it's not true.

Dear Jake,

on 28/07/2015 8:38:27 PM:

Hi Jacob!

Hope you are having a great time in camp so far. Caleb and I are now in Ann Arbor with Zara and the gang. I have been working long hours at the music camp and Caleb is at Computer camp, all day. He loves it and is programming with Python in Minecraft. Here at Zara's he sleeps on the 3rd floor loft with sleeping bag and camp mat, and Bailey with me in the guest room! 

I heard about your accident in the woods and the stitches. I hope you're doing okay and that you're not In pain!! Please make sure to keep it clean so it doesn't become infected. You might check in with the nurse now and then to make sure it's healing nicely and looking ok.

Dad sent me a beautiful picture of you, smiling in camp. I am really excited for you and hope you're having a blast and catching up with friends from last year.

How is the table tennis? Did you get the racquet out? How are the fast dry towels working out?

I can't wait to hear from you if you have a chance. Or you can just send a drawing, too! ;)

Love,
mom

Tuesday

Got called in middle of teaching from Quebec number. Took forever for the director to get to the point. Jake is fine, he finally said, he fell, running around in the woods last night, and got stitches. Wow. It was already 2pm the next day. Can he still go on the canoe trip? Do the stitches disintegrate or will they need to be removed? Is there a 24 hour nurse on staff? I am mostly concerned about hygiene and infection, can the nurse be sure to check on his leg everyday?

Called hubby. They should have called our cells and not our home number. It's a good excuse for you to call back to make sure they have your cell number and have him tell you the story again.

I am also playing a concert with a weird, arrogant prima Donna violinist. What a pain! I don't know who else they could have gotten to play Franck with him and deal with that personality. Every time I turn around someone asks if it went okay. They are all so scared of him, this person who does not intimidate me one bit. Not one bit. At times, I worked under stunning pressure as a staff pianist at Juilliard and can still summon a certain calm and resolve from within myself that can be fierce. He started condescendingly conducting me yesterday and I pushed back immediately. Oh my God, who behaves this way? And when he seemed to be gasping to breathe because he wanted something attaca, I dropped my hands and looked at him in the eye saying, this next movement is a piano concerto with violin accompaniment, I will need a few seconds.. Of course...! he stammered, caught in whatever his antics of either intimidation or whatever you'd call this. I do have a stunning Franck, even if I must say so myself, and at the very least he was dealing with clearly a professional.

This morning, I showed up to his kiss and hugs. His reciting my biography having blantantly looked me up, and now promising concerts cross country. Mm hm, I smiled at him but knew better. The world is so filled with insecure musicians. I can be that, too, but not at the expense of others. I have more important concerns and ambitions than convincing others I'm God's greatest gift on the piano.

Only mon night

At 1 am, Belac came to my bedside. Mom? I can't sleep... Come here, I told him and encouraged him to lay down with me. What's wrong? He was worried the hormone was keeping him up. mom, it's 1am and I haven't slept at all! And I'm not hungry.... I had earlier needed to mask my horror that he had only sipped his Capri sun and eaten nothing else during a day long camp. It's very hot sweetie pie, I told him, and we are in a new place.... I was so tired and saw him brush away tears. And I'm worried that it's because I did something.

What? I was suddenly wide awake. I don't want to talk about it.

I was quiet and thought quickly. He couldn't have given himself extra hormone, his stimulants were hidden in my suitcase, it couldn't be anything bad could it? I waited. Well, it might help you to talk about it so you can sleep, sweetie pie, I said as casually as I could.

I'm worried the hormone is not working because I'm... having sex with myself.

It's okay, I told him feeling relieved, that's natural and normal. It is not interfering with your growing or eating, has nothing to do with it.... And as long as you do it in private and not with any boy or girl until you're an adult, it's okay. Okay...? Okay.

I stroked his head and wondered if he should try to sleep here but he wanted to go back to his camping mat and sleeping bag. I kissed him and told him I loved him as he hopped out of bed.

He was fine and sleeping and eating in Canada, but he was also much more physically active there and with hubby and brother, too. Now getting him up. He will be exhausted today.

Bed

Brain dead. There's nothing to write about except listening to the sweet exchanges at bedtime between Belac and Zee. Little sis and I could decipher none of it from downstairs but could hear the continuous whispering banter. They are so sweet together and had earlier accompanied me on a walk with Bailey, feeling very grown up at that hour to be doing this when the other kiddies were being forced into bed....

Weird to think that between parents and sister and camp that I had all this help with Belac to work a long day. Tomorrow, my mom makes dinner at my sister's house and will have it waiting for me....

Another long day! I need to go to bed!

Day

I AM DEAD. But I'm happy. Zoomed to the restaurant, first one here. Belac texted me 3 times during my rehearsal. When will you be home?  Now here after back to back lessons, sonata classes, chamber coaching and a too short rehearsal. Bad news is that I have to go back.... The director and his sister, childhood friends, are performing. Belac is totally unaccustomed to not seeing me at all this long and so out of touch, especially in a foreign place with all new people. I hope he had a great day and that he held it together. I can't wait to hear all about it!

crazy fun

Left a wedding after the first dance at 11pm and wasn't in bed until after midnight. Up and driving with Belac at 9am and drove from Montreal to my parents' by 7. We sat down for a sushi dinner and a glass of white wine. I practiced, walked dog, got Belac situated.... I still hear him humming in bed.

Tomorrow up at 6, leave for Ann Arbor by 7, drop Belac and dog at my sister's by 8 - her sitter is taking Belac to camp, and then head to teach and rehearse by 9am. My day at the festival ends at 6:30 and I will be 45 min late to my mom's bday dinner at a restaurant. Hopefully the engraved and personalized necklace I ordered will have arrived to my sister's doorstep for me to give her from all of us.

Tonight my Boston boss and I discussed rep. First time she seemed to really care about my preferences and I appreciated the note. Crazy busy life at the moment, but it is all good.

magical

Amazing evening under the stars and moonlight. Belac went skinny dipping at lake with hubby. Was freezing at first and went out on the board, then jumped in to meet hubby at rock. All ended up eventually at the dock. BIL jumped in, his wife and I saw a shooting star. I've never seen the lake so still and so lit up by the moon. Warming up later at the bonfire. Mom, Belac asked, do you think all of my cousins will like me? They all love you, hubby said. Did you jump in the lake because you wanted to or because you wanted to impress everyone? Because I wanted to. True Freiheit. I love you so much, I kissed and hugged him.

Jake

The 4 of us took a canoe to the islands for lunch. Amazing to be behind Jake, who paddled continuously through choppy water. He never had such stamina, definitely a direct result of his 5 day canoe trip at wilderness camp, last summer. They paddled 2-3 hours at a time, 2-3 times daily for 5 days. I heard about different ways to win feathers, needing to cook soup and build Dutch ovens to cook a 3 course meal, how you had to not only build a fire but also keep it burning after the counsellors douse it with water... so much more about his time in camp during the past 2 days than I did all year.

At the islands the boys and hubby all practiced trying to hit a rock in water with pebbles. I listened to Jake teach Belac how to skip rocks. As Belac ate all the smoked meat in the sandwiches, Jake showed how some rocks were better than others and how to hold them and swing, explaining each step to Belac. How did he get so patient and good at explaining things? Belac tried a couple of times, unsuccessfully. I'm terrible!

Now back, braided my challah and let everyone dig into my vegan chocolate cake, quite good. Hubby now on a call from work. Someone on his team is being moved to another and getting promoted, good news and well-deserved, hubby explained, I've been trying to promote her for years! What are you going to do about your own team, now? He shrugged, I will have to train and promote someone else, probably Scott, we'll see.... And, maybe I will also find out from boss what's happening with the company....

Tomorrow Jake is off to camp. He has grown so much since exactly this time, last year, it is unbelievable. He is funny and kind, considerate, cautious in ways but more confident than he has ever been. A hard worker. I'm so proud of him.

country

Out for dinner and ice cream with Granny and Pops. Earlier some swimming and a hike with the fam up Sourire. For not much time and effort, the view is incredible. Also I came down the mountain side by side with Jake and we talked all about last year at camp. He is so forthcoming and talkative, these days, it's remarkable

Tonight I did not administer Belc's shot properly. In our confusion and uncertainty, Hubby and I reread the instructions afterwards. Instead of risking an accidental double dose, we will try again tomorrow.

A good day.

for the record

Amazing how first .5, then .9 mg daily of this clear, nothing-looking liquid could end up being such a game changer. The nurse told me that it is really important now to not miss any appointments. That they need to monitor dosage, take data and also, prove sufficient efficacy to maintain insurance coverage. You'd be surprised, she told me, how many patients miss appointments and make things more difficult.

I wonder what difficulties we might encounter if hubby's employment and insurance options change. I forgot to ask if anyone has had trouble with coverage by new insurance, mid-treatment. I understand growth hormone costs 25 grand annually.

We see the cardiologist and neurologist in a few weeks. For the sake of his health, and also for coverage, we won't be missing appointments.

arrived

Easy but long drive. Scramble to drag unwieldy luggage and food stuff in the dark and cold to the house.

Mom, Jake is a dick! Belac declared, wiping away tears.

He's not helping and everyone else is working!! Jake argued.

Belac, tell Jake that you are trying and he's making you feel bad. Jake, tell your brother you love him. Guys, only a few days until you don't see eachother for a month. Belac, you know what you told me last year? That home was boring without Jake! Yeah, Belac, Jake chimed in, no one to bug you.

We had had a good drive. Belac had slept, he never sleeps on the ride up if there is an iPad. At a pit stop, he also ate a burger with a quarter pound patty with melted Swiss cheese in almost no time flat. Unusual, mostly, about the speed. Could the hormones already be effecting him?

A few minutes later I caught Jake hugging Belac and their laughing about something. These boys are awesome and I'm so lucky.

vacay!

Cars packed, me with dog and hubby with boys. Bon voyage!

last items

The crazy kid. In a few days, he read the 3 books we bought for him to read during camp. Sorry mom, he told me, I couldn't help it. Went to the shelves. Have you read the Hobbit? It was a terrible movie! But did you read it? I asked, the book is better. Also pulled out some Malcolm Gladwell.

Mom, I don't need any books! (He read 3 at camp, last summer.) Just like he protested about taking his swimming goggles, his flip flops  (I go barefoot to the showers, Mom! - You're walking through the woods barefoot? Well, I'm hoping you'll  actually shower regularly this summer, I reminded him) and a sketchpad. He likes to doodle and we have his drawings all over the house, too. In fact, I was shocked to find out that he was recommended for Honors Art Studio, a year long class at the high school. Honors Art Studio? I had asked the guidance counselor in disbelief, recommended...? as in by his Art teacher...? like not everyone can take it...?

I went to get a sharpie and when he wasn't looking, put the books in his suitcase. What's the harm? He doesn't always know what he needs and wants.

almost

Everything checked and double checked. All the beds made, everyone folding and putting away last of laundry, dishes, and everything wiped down. Jake vacuumed the entire house. We've been going non-stop since 10am. Does anyone want to go to the pool? No. Kids now playing Minecraft together on a break well-deserved!

How I'm going to stuff what we need for Michigan into the pretty full RAV, I have no idea. Have to deal with the bikes and helmets, too, on our scorching, hot driveway. I will worry about it in one hour. Now figuring out lunch...

Yay! We are almost ready! 

success!

I'm scared! The nurse hugged him as I prepped and installed the needle, adjusted med amount, wiped down and squeezed his thigh and gave him the shot, hubby hovering, advising and observing. It's a subcutaneous shot and nothing compared to the injections, blood tests and IVs of the past few months. SNAP! We were done in no time and off on our merry ways.

Packing up and doing last things. Kids goofing around with each other, eating pasta for breakfast and anything they can from fridge. Promised lunch out and a quick visit to the pool once we are all done.

time

Phase 1 of packing, stuff for my sis. It's all good stuff besides the game machine she wants back, but she's going to kill me! Tomorrow, everything else for Belac, the dog and me goes in. Plus 3 bikes. Hubby takes a separate car with Jake and his camp stuff and all of our camping equipment and we drive in tandem to St. Donat.

Alone, I'm putting at least 5000 miles on Goldie in the next month. Got the oil changed, tires rotated, new brake pads... the most important thing about driving solo is good sleep. I feel bad for hubby who wishes he could spend more time on vacay. The huge expectation of what St. Donat needs to be for me, he explained, is like how crazy your family is about Thanksgiving.... It's my favorite place on the planet and I just wish I could take the month there, more than money, I want time there and with my parents and family.

I understand that. I'm the one that has it much easier between us. I have whatever money hubby has, but I have time he does not. I wish he could have more time. He checked his schedule and told me he can come with me, tomorrow morning, after his 5:30am bike ride. He'll take his first call remotely and on his way to work. Together we will give Belac his first shot.

Rush

Belac was outside shooting hoops when someone handed him this. Our new normal! Growth hormone injections officially start tomorrow. I meet the nurse at 8:15 am, who will observe my giving Belac his first shot in northern Westchester. Hopeful! And dear God! I hope I do fine.

Hebrew

Again I was told that Belac was one of the strongest Hebrew readers Sterling has had. Of course, Belac doesn't fully comprehend what he's reading, being Biblical Hebrew, but it does give me the idea. That if we can continue the Hebrew outside of school, one on one, and Modern Hebrew at that, he can spare himself trying to be successful in a large foreign language class at school. He can take the AP Hebrew exam as evidence of his proficiency. There's time, I bet he could do well!

If we plan ahead, I think we can get around certain diploma requirements.

closing shop

I'll be back in August for Belac's doctors appointments, but am essentially gone for 4 weeks. Have just enough perishables for dinner, breakfast and lunch and then drive to Canada. It's reasonable to assume hubby will do take out and eat at Kati's while I'm gone.

Glad we are leaving the house in good shape and that it will be nice to come home to.

flowers re-gifted

I had cut her some flowers, they're beautiful! she exclaimed, but this time she didn't want to take them. Why? Because last time they died, the girls threw them under my bed and I couldn't see them anyway. Well, do you have a teacher you want to give them to? Or a friend? Charles.

When I brought her back after lunch, the last time I'd see Sarah until September, we stopped at the gate. Charles was waving us through but I rolled down the window. These are for you, Sarah said. Really? Really. They're from her garden and I want you to have them.

She did take the notebook I gave her, and she asked and I let her keep the pen she found in my glove compartment. She started writing in it right away and wouldn't let me even hold it for her when her hands were full getting lunch. The notebook cost 88 cents from Walgreen's. It's so nice!! she told me, looking at her swirly name and flowers I had drawn on the cover. Next time can I have pink? Yes. Do they have blue? Her clothes were dirty and just awful looking, she smelled of a mildewy towel. She's so needy in so many ways it breaks my heart.

I'm going to miss you, she told me and I hugged her. We had been meeting for lunch for the past 7 Tuesdays. I will see you in September for a hike and ice cream, I promised. With your boys and husband, she added. Okay, with my boys and husband.

never give up

Just finally found one of my Hebrew books. It's been missing for awhile and I hadn't bothered looking for it very hard. Until 2 days ago, when I went through every shelf, car, garage... twice. This morning I laid in bed thinking about the last time I had touched that thing. Where would I have put it? The whole reason why I organized this place was so this wouldn't happen! How was I going to tell Sterling I had lost this hard to come by book? I penned an apology email in my head, or should I wait to tell him this afternoon when I see him in person? Where was this thing? Well, on my piano stand where everything goes that I'm practicing and touching - not a bad place - but tucked behind.

At core, I'm not the organized and efficient person I've become. As a young person, I tended to procrastinate and have difficulty making decisions. As now an adult and the only female in this household, the mom of at least one boy who has difficulties organizing and planning ahead, and another who had 40 hour weeks at age 2 and needed supports in almost everything, I dramatically changed my ways, forever strive for order and a streamlined system. For my own sanity and manageability. It's also not lost on me, that order in the house is the one thing I can easily control amidst all that I absolutely cannot....

I learned that if we packed snacks and drinks before every outing, we'd save 15 dollars and time, and eat much better, too. That if we pared down our stuff, that nothing could be lost forever. And if things are written down, we all have a better chance of remembering. Open bills immediately, though painful, deal with it and spare myself late fees. Check in at the parent portal often, dear Jake, see how you're doing and avoid the oh so stressful, late semester scramble.

Someone wrote on hubby's wall in response to a silly buzzfeed article about Messiness = Creativity, that life was too short to be spent cleaning. Maybe. But life is even more too short to spend your days looking for stuff and being in catch up mode all of the time and suffering time and time again from a disorganized and unprepared daily life. A few minutes here and there saves hours of stress and sleepless worry. There's a balance.

Yesterday, Jake would not wear his flip flops around the park, even burning his feet, because he was afraid of leaving them at the foot of one of the rides and later needing to look everywhere for them. I was impressed and smiled at him, that's progress that he was even thinking about it. I noticed he took off his favorite cap when we left the house, too. That cap is valuable to him. And then he was even concerned about the cellphone I wanted him to take in case we got separated. Mom! It's going to fall out of my shorts and what if I forget and I go in the water with it? True, true. We put it in a ziploc bag, put it in the beach bag and decided to figure it out at the park....

It's impossible to change one's nature, but I know it's possible to develop good habits to the point that it feels more natural. I know because I have absolutely developed skills that help with my own tendencies. Yesterday, I had to keep nudging Belac to pay attention to the doctor and put my finger to lips to remind him to stop humming so he could listen. His impairment was more obvious than it had ever appeared at the doctor's office. It can be so hard and very frustrating at times, but I also only need to look at myself to know that effort is not for naught. The good news is that both boys are determined and we have that on our side. Never give up, I tell them!

g'night

Everyone showered. Kids watched Futurama. Hubby and I shared some white wine on the porch, this very hot and humid evening.

Mom? Belac said as he ate a nectarine, Jake said I'd only be 1.3. Of course he remembered that number. He was just teasing, I explained, honestly if you become 2.0 he'd be so happy for you! But it's kind of his job to bug you and you to bug him, that's kind of how it goes, you know? You're brothers!

Jake now with his nose in a book. We bought 3 for camp and he's almost done with 1, days before camp even begins!

What a great day. Feeling blessed.

splash city

Kati and I paired up, Jake and Belac, Izzy and a girlfriend. The visit to splash city was not one where the parents parked themselves, instead we got a locker and went on ride after ride together. It was so nice and we will all sleep well tonight. I was happy to be wet and the kids out and away from devices. We ate a ton of snacks in lieu of dinner on the way home.

Izzy? Belac said, when you get home from Hungary, I will be Belac 2.0! We all laughed, because you will be new and improved? I asked. Because I will be taller, he said. Actually he might just be 1.3 Jake joked. Yeah, we will see, I waved my hand lightly at him to not go there.

What a nice afternoon and a beautiful drive home on the Taconic. It feels like we are driving home from vacation, Kati mused. I know! This was great.

job listing

A job on a list serve caught my eye. It's up my alley and not special needs. It's in the city, at Lincoln Center, teaching little kids and working on a musical project. 3 days a week, 8a - 4p, starting the coming school year and renewable year to year. I fulfill all the basic requirements and have plenty of previous experience. It includes certain training at the end of the summer that I'd have to come home early for from Canada. The kids would have to get themselves to and from school without my supervision and I'd give up most of my private students and one school. I wrote hubby and Ella, do you think it's crazy if I try to do this?

time

Kati found some discount tix to a water park. Picking us up soon and off we go. Making the most of our off time with the kids. I barely practiced, can't find my Hebrew book I'm now beginning to think I gave to charity, and still have a gazillion things to do, but all will have to wait. We got a lot done these past few weeks. The next few days is organized around together time.

baseline

Endocrinologist reiterated that his is a peculiar case. Whereas there was measurable growth in his testicles - even from the last appointment - and blood tests that indicate he is clearly in puberty, his bones are 'extremely delayed' and stuck at 7-1/2 to 8 years old, such a wide discrepancy she had never before seen in her office. It is her hope that in 3 months, she will begin to see some growth and catching up in the bones.

Today was all about establishing a baseline. He is 54 lbs, 4 ft 7, and almost 12-1/2 years old. His BMI is now the lowest it's ever been. She recorded diet and eating habits, medication, and activity level. Suggestions for more olive oil and butter in everything. Will the hormone help make him hungry? She hoped so but couldn't promise. Before leaving, I scheduled a follow up in 3 months. Hoping for good numbers to report in October.

Sister

We have a lot to do to get out of here. I need to go through Jake's camp bags with him, and also waiting on the flashlight and 2 quick dry towels we ordered from Amazon. A garage filled with so much stuff, I need to somehow squeeze into the RAV for my sister. Fridge and garbage clean out, house tidying and beds, we have our new Rabbi and husband coming to stay. And we still have doctors appointments and a tutoring session for Belac, his packing, my own packing and dear God, PRACTICING. Why did I ever agree to this huge sonata? It is the piece that no doubt got me into Juilliard, this piece was MINE. But that was also over 20 years ago. Bringing it back in 3 weeks time is unreasonable and certainly demands more time than I'm able to give.

The fams spent the day together. Izzy is leaving for Hungary at end of summer and between all of our comings and goings, we have just a few more days. I can't just be tied to the piano. I watched the boys and Izzy at their pool and could clearly see they are like siblings, together in games, teasing and mischief. They stick together. We are going to miss her badly.

A week ago, Kati had brought over a card to send Izzy while she was in a week-long soccer camp. We each signed and wrote her a message and then giggled over Belac's note. Dear Izzy, I will always be with you. I hope you don't break up with me. JK. From Belac. He is so unexpectedly sweet and funny. On a previous trip, they were all sleeping in a tent and she refused to wake and get up. Belac leaned over and told her, "I will help you Sleeping Beauty", and then kissed her on the lips, much to her utter dismay and Jake's hysterical screeching laughter.

For years, they have called each other "Sister" and "Brother," the sort of thing neither had. I just hope they never lose this and can pick up where they left off, next year.

norditropon

emptied our cars, money jars and drawers

The nurse who came by our house was amazing, this morning. She gave each of us Norditropon pens and we practiced. She strapped a special pillow on Belac's thigh and he practiced giving himself shots. She explained everything to hubby and me. But where was the supposedly delivered starter kit packed in dry ice? We hadn't received it yet. Could you please go look at your neighbors' doorsteps? It included 2 pens, each worth 2000 dollars. It's a controlled substance that plenty want and abuse. What?! Why wouldn't they have had anyone sign for it?

The shots begin this week. We hadn't planned on it, but the nurse was all for Belac being in on the training right away. Knowledge is power, she explained, and fear so often stems from the unknown. Belac's mouth dropped when she explained the hormone would be given in daily shots. There were a lot of questions from Belac about pain, and wanting this pain compared to the pain of shots, IVs and blood drawn... Every now and then during the hour he said he was nervous or scared but that he thought he was okay and felt a little better. I was so proud of him for naming his feelings, not crying or freaking out.

After the first few times, you will come to think this is nothing, the nurse promised, and you know what? I've had patients gain 10 pounds in the first 3 months and even grow as much as an inch. She turned to me, the company says it takes 6-12 months for the effects to kick in, but some kids respond very well and have immediate effects.... You will probably feel more hungry, Belac, start growing and you know what? You might even feel less anxious, overall.

Any more questions? Hubby knew to bring up insurance coverage again. She explained there are 3 criteria that need to be fulfilled in order to have insurance coverage: growth hormone deficiency, deficient rate of growth and a required minimum differential, of which he qualified on all 3 counts. And as for the differential she noted that Belac's was some negative number, - 3 I think she said and I wasn't sure what that meant but continued, this is a case in which we don't anticipate any insurance difficulties.

Hopeful this will help him. Hopeful for a streamlined process.

Chick flick

Just watched 'How to lose a guy in 10 days' with the fam. Both boys were intrigued, Jake especially got it - or came to get it - all and laughed his head off. As far as dumb movies it's one of the better ones and we have definitely turned a corner, being able to watch such a chick flick with the kids. I was the one that was embarrassed in front of the kids, oh my god, she's going to show her boobs!! I exclaimed before Belac covered my face with a pillow.

Who is the teenager here? ?

saturday

Belac 7/2015

Trek to the barbershop for the boys, me to the hairdresser, all cleaned up. Boys and hubby did a massive upstairs clean up while I was out. Jake packed for camp, putting permanent name tags on everything, and minus just a few more items, a bright small flashlight and biodegradable toiletries. Belac walked the dog and drew. Soon dinner will be delivered. Everyone on a device, enjoying the ac on a humid day after getting stuff done. Kati just called. We are having a bbq at her house tomorrow, and I'm bringing everything from my fridge and freezer that should get eaten up.

Food is here. Out on the porch we go. Our good life!

3rd standby guardian

Received several detailed emails and a text from Soo, this morning. They are going first to London for one week and then, later, to Canada, the entire family except for Brian, who is in an 8 week, sleep away, summer program for low functioning special needs kids. Turns out the lawyer recommended that the easiest thing is that I be named in the will as the 3rd standby guardian.

This was serious business, I scrolled through the emails.

There were itineraries of their trips, flight numbers, phone numbers and addresses of hotels. A promise to inform me whenever they are out of town. An emergency plan spelled out. Info about how to get into their house without key. Where the fireproof safe is, which contains the will among other things, and where the key is hidden. A reiteration of heartfelt thanks and relief to have me on their plan. And the reassurance that she and her hubby, BIL, and parents-in-law all need to be incompetent or deceased before I'd have guardianship of Brian.

Hubby was quiet as I summarized the emails. You know, Gimky, he hesitated, I'm not sure this was  a good idea....

There is family wealth that would pretty much all go to him in a special needs trust and they are both insured for millions. In the event of something so tragic and unspeakable, I explained, we would never ever have to financially support him. There are also at least 3 entities and 5 adults before me, I pointed out. But I am also not blind to why I'm named, I didn't say, and know that if my friend and her husband died before Brian was placed in a group home, I'd have a significant role even being 3rd in line. The BIL is a functioning alcoholic and the parents-in-law are scared of their grandson and hands off.... And I can't forget they all travel once a year to a foreign country, together, all of Brian's guardians. Though they have promised never to fly on the same planes, once there, they are together and staying in the same places.... I understand the terrible 'what if' that necessitates why I need to know how to get in their house and access their safe.

He's IQ 65 I think, or maybe it's 45, I don't remember. He's 12 years old, non-verbal, a strong, big kid and physically aggressive. He is not a kid I could either adopt or have any confidence about staying at my house, and I realize there's no 4th standby.... She told me a month ago I'd have to push for him to get into a group home immediately, but the assumption is that he'd jump ahead in line as an orphan and we'd have no problem paying for the hired supports needed until that happens....

Chances are slim, I told hubby, but even if I weren't named, I'd still step in to help. He can't speak, he's the most vulnerable of vulnerable! At least the will directs them to the right places in the worst case scenario, amazing that Soo and hubby have legally and financially prepared for it.

Belac, filmmaker

Just got home from the lab screening and was absolutely floored at the acting Belac did and the projects he was involved in. Talking to the teacher afterwards, he told me that he is sure Belac has a career in graphics design ahead of him. He made scripts that I couldn't even do!! Well, I laughed and was ready to be dismissive with an eye roll, it's years of reading credits of every movie and show he's seen. It's a tendency among autistics, I didn't say. Well, he said in all seriousness and earnest, it really shows, he is fantastic!

I'm sorry we got to the end of camp and I didnt really reach out to you...

That's the other thing, he told me, thank you so much for the letter about Belac. I came in totally mentally prepared and ready to be Belac's teacher, so thank you for that and being so open and available. You didn't even really have to do that. He is a really sweet kid, really engaged.... He got some acting coaching and you can see, Belac was really intense, like those fight scenes...! I really hope I'm his teacher again, it was a privilege!

Wowee. I'm so proud of this kid. All he has ever wanted is to work for Pixar. It sure shows.

vegan cake

He had just 10 minutes to get to tennis after taking the dog around the block. Mom! Can I take my bike? Of course! Wear your helmet and only cross at major intersections, okay? And off he zoomed.

I am making a vegan chocolate cake in a bundt pan. How is it as moist and amazing as everyone says it is? Must be the 5 tablespoons of oil and white vinegar and very cold water...? I also found a recipe for a non-dairy glaze. Using coconut oil instead of margarine with confectioner's sugar, as a commenter suggested.

Am I the way that I am because this is the way I truly am? Always engaged in another project and finding new things to read or try? Or am I this way because I don't want to turn into my mom? I mean, if any of her kids were to follow in her footsteps, I think it would be me. We are both middle children with emotional and sensitive tendencies. She was the dancer, me the musician. I also have more time on my hands than my sisters to do nothing if I choose, and my mom was not employed outside of the house....

She knows how to knit and crochet really well! Why doesn't she? I bought her new cookbooks, a couple years ago, they are sitting brand new on a shelf. She still cooks the same food and describes herself as a bad cook. She loves Bailey and had briefly thought of getting a dog, which I thought would be brilliant for her. She could read to help herself or do any number of things but generally, I see her either in bed at the wrong hours, looking at her phone and FB in the presence of others and especially at meals, and sitting in the tub, looking almost comatose.

It is really hard for me to understand and see her pass a lifetime like this. Sure, she takes care of the grandkids occasionally - and really enjoys my sister's girls - and travels several times a year with my dad, does the laundry and is able to drive and shop and get around, and for this I must rejoice. It could certainly be much worse. But while there are definitely moments of lightness, she is generally unhappy and disgruntled, more and more stuck in her sometimes non-sensical ways, and increasingly dependent in ways that old age cannot fully explain. She absolutely cannot live alone. Though my dad's dad lived til 95 and my dad could therefore still have almost 20 years ahead of him, my sisters and I really need to force a conversation about the future and at the very least, have some inklings of a plan while everyone is still of sound mind.

Just unveiled my beautiful chocolate bundt cake!!! No eggs or milk or dairy and because it came out of the pan needing a little surgery, I could tell without tasting it is completely moist and of perfect consistency! Nothing a gooey vanilla glaze can't help disguise, but the war wound is also a badge of pride and leaves no doubt this is homemade. Plan to fill that hole with fresh strawberries and blueberries. I can't believe I made this!!

happy

Belac, this morning: Mom, that's disgusting! It's banana, blueberries, kale from my garden, and carrots, hardly disgusting. 

It's 9:50am and Jake is still sleeping. He is totally a teenager. I also looked at him carefully and with new eyes, yesterday, and could barely stop staring. His face has matured so much, his voice continues to fall, and was he still taller? When did my baby become a man?

And still life goes on. Tonight we have a dinner invitation to a family in White Plains. We had met them time and again over the past 6 years through other friends and see each other on Facebook. We don't know each other well and you'd think that it would just stay nicely and easily this way for the next years. A few days ago, she asked, were we free for dinner at their house? I was surprised, why yes, we are!

Kids finish camp, today. And off I am to make my first vegan chocolate cake to bring. Have I mentioned how I love summer? It's great to have time, both to catch up and try new things.

nothing for granted

bouquet for Ella

Hubby arrived home late, last night. He had had dinner with his work buddy who was let go - along with a swath of others - 5 weeks ago. It's not looking good for his friend. He's networking, meeting up with colleagues and former work people, looking through a head hunter, but it's just not looking good. If he can't find work in NY by November, he will broaden his search. And even then, he told hubby, he will commute or live wherever his next job is for 6 months before selling his house and moving the family. He needs to know that his next job is stable.

If hubby had gotten his friend's job, and it was so hard for him when he didn't, it's likely we'd be in his same position today. Hubby explained to me how even arbitrary and political the decisions were, and that his was a combination of factors. That his friend's boss - who was at our house for dinner - was let go and could not protect him. That someone junior on friend's team was offered something she didn't accept, but had she, he might still be there. I don't get it, I clarified, so they valued the junior person more than him? Not really, he explained, but he was more expensive, you see? Bottom line is that he grew his team too big and so his team was very exposed, no one on his team was safe, including himself....

Gimky, hubby told me in the dark and coolness of the porch where we caught up last night, we are so lucky, you have no idea! For the same reason I had a hard time getting A's job in the first place, I'm pretty safe. I'm good at my job, I keep tabs on and analyze numbers across multiple departments, I do a lot of junior level crunching no other VPs would stoop to do, but because of that I am reliable and know where my numbers are coming from and I am also board presentable.... The thing is, I've thought about it and I am not replaceable within the company, they'd have to hire my replacement from the outside. So that I can earn what I do, not travel much, and be home pretty much every night for dinner, I mean, Gimky, we are very, very lucky. Now, if the company gets acquired like people suspect it will, well, my job is not safe at all....

Ella had come to Sunny Patch for several hours yesterday. Fresh out of the city, she oohed and ahhed over novel suburbia as we talked a hundred miles a minute about kids, school, medication and therapies, books we had read, husbands, families.... It was a glorious few hours as our kids ran around with nerf guns and some Hunger Games tag they made up. She even took pictures of my garden! Oh my God, Gimky, she told me, you guys have done great things with the house, I love it!! Yeah, well, you know, we are very lucky, and if we ever need to sell, I could only shrug, it's as ready as it will be.

height and weight

Got on the treadmill and the phone calls on my cell began. Unrecognizable 800 numbers, which I have learned not to ignore. It's the Doctor's office, Nurse/trainer, Nordicare, CVS Pharmacare, Blue Cross Blue Shield.... over his specialty, controlled medication, clarifications, missing items on script, insurance clearance, info about temperature sensitive deliveries and acceptance options, emergency info, reorder info, phone numbers of who, what and where.... It's no longer cutting it, the mess of files in a cabinet. Pharmacare called and wanted Belac's most recent height and weight and I couldn't find the most recent Endocrinology notes in the 2 minutes I put him on hold. Of course I found it after we hung up. So 3 ring binder it will have to be with dividers....

On the other hand, I know very well what I weigh and what a mistake this is on my own part. My optimal weight is in the low 130s, where it basically was, most of my adult life, maybe minus a few pounds. I am almost 5'5", have big bones and was never very skinny but always ate reasonably and never struggled with my weight, I looked fit and felt good. What happened this past year, though, was abominable! I'm determined to get back there.

Back on that treadmill I go.

wilderness camp

Starting to help Jake pack for camp. Yesterday, I had bought him a pair of grey trekking, fast-dry pants with lots of pockets and legs that can zip off and become shorts and even swim shorts. When we saw that they fit him well, I went online and bought him a second pair in khaki. He can get his laundry done every 7-10 days. I suggested he wear one pair and a pair of shorts all week, at night there are a lot of bugs and he needs long pants, and when he sends the dirty pair off to the laundry, he wears the other pair and shorts. It's perfect. Just don't lose the legs if you zip them off! What I need to make sure is that he has a dozen t-shirts to ruin. Those get stinky and totally dirty.

The other night we had laughed our brains out at dinner. Finally, Jake had admitted to washing only maybe twice in the entire month at wilderness camp. He was swimming morning and night and all day long and possibly feeling clean, but not using soap at all, sweating and in the wilderness all day, and probably wearing totally dirty clothes everyday. When I picked him up after 4 weeks and was in the car with him for over an hour, I had to seriously breath out of my mouth to keep from gagging. He smelled like B.O. and mildew and his mop was covered by a cap I was not going to touch. I restrained myself from saying a word about it then because I was so happy to see him and he was so happy, talking non-stop!

I KNEW IT! I exclaimed, and you know why? Yes, mom, because I didn't touch my soap...! You told me that a million times.... Eye roll and a smile.

So now I am helping him devise a system. No soft pack luggage, with the smaller of the two becoming the bin for dirty laundry, which he really needs to send out on the days there is laundry. He also needs a designated place for not clean but wearable clothes so he doesn't go through all of his clean clothe in the first week, we have to make a divider in his suitcase. Everything gets filthy being outside all of the time and sleeping in a tent and I imagine that the suitcases he's living out of become total soup.

Now pulling out and trying on his life jacket, rain jacket and pants, sports goggles, and counting clothes, seeing if the cheap sneakers for last summer's canoe trip still fit, washing his sleeping bag and blanket, choosing 3 books online to go and buy at the store... I can see he is getting excited about his trip, it's exactly his kind of adventure and I'm thrilled for him.

choosing

Got a pedicure and my eyebrows waxed. Got my eyes examined and new contacts. Bought a casual summer dress and a few other clothing items for when I teach in Michigan. I only had plain old stuff for summer and needed to shop.... I probably need to get my haircut, too. Jake and I shopped online for his camp stuff.... First impressions and appearances matter. For better and worse, they matter.

We had dinner outside on the porch, tonight. There was an amazing breeze and the smell of fresh cut grass from our neighbor. And then an honest -and therefore, hilarious - discussion of hubby's childhood tendencies he described to Jake. Imagine, he described, I was a combination of Belac's temper loss and your disorganization!! But this is what I did and why I think these next 4 years are very important.... And you know what was interesting? Jake was thoroughly engaged and definitely listening, but also just so funny in his interjected comments. This kid. I swear, I don't always know what to make of him. His upbeat, attractively slightly-snarky personality and spirit certainly did not all come from me! I would genuinely like hanging with Jake, even if he were not my kid.

I just hope he's lucky. Like... I think my dad was not particularly lucky in marrying my mom, even though it means I am alive. He has 3 stable girls he doesn't have to worry much about, a miracle in a way since he is living and sharing a life with their mother, who is mentally unstable, bitter, unhappy and has given up on life.... Did I know that things would turn out the way they would with hubby? No! I'm absolutely lucky. After all, he's not the only one that I could have made my life with. I could have married the gazillionaire, one of several heirs to a major American paint company, who professed to wanting to marry me, years after sleeping with someone else during our 2 years together and all the turmoil he put me through! I could have married the guy who ended up being a huge weight on me, I would have had to pull much more than my own weight but he would have been faithful til death. Or the boy who I never even kissed, but there was definitely something. We would have been fine, maybe even good....  

My point is. I hope my boys are lucky AND that they choose wisely. Pretty please.

tending

Got home from an early dentist appointment. Jake had walked the dog, packed his lunch, done the problems from the next chapter of math and was putting on his sneakers to walk to tennis camp. Amazing. He hadn't written in his blog, he told me, because nothing had happened yet. I pointed out that he didn't need to write about his day, that he could write about anything, but that's "not the way" he wanted to do it. I wasn't going to argue. LOL! If only you could switch between my and his perspective a la "Wonder." He definitely has his own legitimate perspective on me and the days we share!

Next Sunday, I drive myself and Belac to Michigan from Montreal. That evening I already have to be at the music festival. I teach everyday and perform some evenings, and my schedule is far from clear. Either I am 45 minutes away and stay with my parents, or I'm 10 minutes away and am at my sisters. It's obvious what is logistically and physically easier for me. Belac's computer camp is also in Ann Arbor, and my BIL can drop him off if I have to leave early in the mornings, and there is the added benefit of Belac easily spending time with his cousins when they are all not in camp and my being able to run to her house to let the dog out or have lunch there or spend a little downtime if I need.

My dad, however, has asked me to stay with them. I should. They are older now and I need to be with them when possible, I can see my sister any time. But my mom is not exactly speaking to me. How do I know that after she brings Belac home from camp, she won't spend the evening laying in bed and immersed more by her phone than him? Weirdly this is precisely why my dad might need me and Belac at the house, to temporarily stabilize things before we all head up north, to get her up and cooking, feeling valuable and doing stuff. The thing is, I have the well being of Belac, my own kid, to think of. And frankly, he is better off with his cousins in the evening than by himself with my mom and sometimes my dad, waiting for me to get home at night. My child is not a salve or distraction from the problems at home. Maybe one night spent with my mom is okay for him, but not every night. If anything, just I should probably stay with my parents while Belac stays with my sister. I need to figure it out.

blogging

She called late last night and we talked for hours. She discovered her daughter was cutting herself again. Had locked herself up in the bathroom. Would not have a conversation about accident and so my friend would not give her the car keys. The girl didn't go to work over it and that's the way it is. It is a battle of the wills. What my friend is doing is the impossible and strong and reasonable. Unless they can talk about the unpaid speeding tickets and this accident, she doesn't have permission to drive the car. And the other new development? My friend signed up for a parent's support group and therapy and is ready to sign her daughter up for 8 month treatment. It means her not going back to school and the girl has to agree to it, obviously.

In a way it will be hell on earth for my friend to live with this toxic energy. But she knows the alternatives are worse.

Can you find out if she can transfer to City College? I don't know, Gimky, it's now pretty late.... She could do the therapy and commute to a couple of classes there, she can't just do therapy all year and finding appropriate peers doing a mindless job might be difficult.... They accepted her in the engineering program, why wouldn't they let her take a couple of classes and then transfer there? Despite it all, she got amazing grades last year. And she'd be living at home, no one would have to know about or deal with any of this stuff....

Well, let's see what she will agree to before we plan her whole life out.

By the way, have you ever thought of blogging? I never told you this, but I started a blog on the kids' first day of school here, and it's helped me a lot. Really...? You never told me!! Yes, I laughed, and by the way, Jake started one today. It's supposed to be just writing practice, but interesting to read his dry but funny perspective on his mundane life and how he organizes his thoughts.... There are people who claim to have recovered from borderline personality disorder online. And while who knows if it's true or not, the reflection that is involved in writing and wanting to get better and the online support from readers... it's pretty powerful, I think, and probably very helpful....

If I were closer to daughter I would urge her to confront her problems and tell her about my mom, who has had a lifetime of pain and suffering and depression. Hers does not need to be my mom's story. My mom had no one to support her and she was sent away to her grandma's as a teenager and married off very early. Daughter has parents who want to help and provide whatever she needs to get meaningfully better. They are not blaming her. She also has smarts and great educational opportunities and is still young.  But I also know she is not listening.... I really feel for my friend.

Jake's blog

Oh My God. I'm laughing my head off. I helped Jake start a wordpress blog and his first entry is so funny, well written enough and sounds completely like him! I can't wait until his second day and I can read again. I am not commenting a thing. I want him to just write and practice writing and let it turn into whatever it's supposed to turn into.

Everyday, at least 3 well written paragraphs, I had instructed. Well, what I read was 5 paragraphs and 600 words and the summary of his mundane life presented in an interesting, funny, very straight forward way. I was in there, too, a person he didn't want to argue with and he signed off with the best dry, true, last sentence. The snarky teenage version sign off of my own first blog entry.

What will tomorrow bring? I love it! Good for him!

hormone therapy

Needles arrive one day, hormones packed in dry ice, the next. Not via mail, but hand delivered and enough for just less than 30 days. I have to be on top of this and call whenever our supply runs low. Growth hormone therapy begins on Monday. Traveling with ice pack and doctor's permission slips and staying places longterm with a refrigerator will now be the norm for the next 6-8 years.

I have not told Belac that the hormone will be administered via shots. He has asked a few times and suspected it, but I've not answered, avoiding unnecessary sleepless, anxious nights on his part. Just focused on getting him on the same page about wanting to grow and how the hormone is necessary for that. On Monday morning, we go to the endocrinologist for a weigh in and baseline measurements and I receive training on the shots. Hubby is not able to take off work and frankly, I'm the one mostly with Belac, so it makes sense that the shots are my responsibility....

Not telling Belac anything until I give him his first shot on Monday. I hope this goes alright!

guidance

Just met with Jake's new guidance counselor at the high school. The one we had met previously has been replaced. On the one hand, I feel nervous because Jake's always getting someone new or who is going off on maternity leave or just plain not great. She has not been tried and tested yet. But on the other hand, I like that this woman went to a private liberal arts college for undergrad before going to a public university for her Master's degree, that she grew up in NYC but was educated in Massachusetts. She is not from a SUNY background, which I appreciate because truth be told, I don't see either of my boys ending up at a SUNY. As long as money isn't an issue, I think smaller and private for undergrad is better for them.

She seemed a little nervous, but very approachable and easy for Jake to talk to. Today was the beginning of what is supposed to be a 4 year relationship, from Freshman year to graduation, including assisting with college applications. I am hopeful.

thoughts

If we were willing to sell this house and live there right away, our cost of living there would be very minimal. From a financial standpoint, it would be incredible. If we lived in one, the other rental units could easily cover almost all the mortgage and taxes on the entire place. I'm pretty sure we could sell this house at good price, but - and it's a very big but - we'd have to be willing to part with it before the kids are graduated and that, I know, would be hard for the family.

Question is, could we buy the place without selling this house?

finito

I took a good look at the guest room. We never painted it and it doesn't look fresh, but it also doesn't look bad. I'm going to scrub down the walls today and get it clean and that will be good enough. I'm not painting it, now. I have serious practicing and things to do to get us out of here, the house looks great and better than it ever has.

Housing

Ever since I saw a listing for a small apartment building, amazingly well-located and well-priced for what it is, I now spend my free time reading about private, not for profit housing for special needs adults and what it entails. About loans I could apply for which promise 60 percent of the tenant population would be special needs. About subsidies for special needs tenants. About mostly failed private group homes set up as cooperatives. The 10 year waiting lists and new government subsidies for those willing to privately develop.

I asked hubby, who worked til 11 last night, to please help me analyze this one particular building. I was pushing it - I know - after a long day. I mean, we are talking huge sums we'd liquidate. Please? Just do it in your head. I gave him all the hypothetical numbers and he calculated different back of the envelope scenarios. And you know what? It's actually not bad, not bad at all at a 5 percent return on a traditional, non-special needs investment with conservative numbers. Not more or less break even like the dozen other properties I previously brought him. We could convert it down the line, if and as necessary. He was snoring in seconds.

So, I texted hubby on his way to work, can we make an appointment to go see it? 

ship shape

Next week, we send Jake to Wilderness camp and I drive to Michigan with Belac. Hubby will fly to and from Michigan to meet us in the interest of saving precious vacation time. During that time, our new Rabbi and her family arrives to NY and will be staying at our house until she can move into her rental. I called the cleaning crew to give the house a good scrub down, today. They were impressed by what had happened since their last visit and in a little more than an hour, record time, they were done. You know why? Because the house is clutter free, in order, and easy to clean. One scrubs down the bathrooms, the other vacuums and mops, and the other wipes everything down. Done.

Belac was up early and made himself breakfast. Jake was down and made himself breakfast and lunch. I noticed, after breakfast, Jake loaded his dishes into the dishwasher. OMG! Thank you, I said. They each walk the dog, once a day - having been assigned a time, and Jake occasionally runs the laundry and dryer for me and we all fold clothes together. I can see they are getting a little better at taking care of things, as a knee jerk reaction, and at least not complaining about being asked to do stuff. It takes constant supervision and prodding, but they are going to get there. They need to keep themselves clean, organized and fed. They need to look around and take initiative and when they don't know what to do, they need to be able to figure it out. This is everyone's house.

Jake now reading Malcolm Gladwell he easily found and pulled off the newly decluttered shelves. What's this? he asked. I suggested reading about the Ketchup Conundrum, I thought he'd like it. But please don't get too into it, you have to leave soon for tennis. Where is your watch? You need to keep track of the time! What is this?! he exclaimed, looking up, Oh my God, Mom, this is so weird! Isn't it? But he finds interesting perspective over the most seemingly mundane trends! Okay, if you like it, just read! I'll drive you to tennis.

Difficult

The girl was a straight A student and graduated top of her class. Physically beautiful. But it has become obvious she is really not well-adjusted. They knew as early as middle school that something was not right, but she was not emotionally available for therapy when they tried to send her. Now they can't get her even physically to go. And she won't take her meds. The whole family is being held hostage to her storms, now that she's home from school, and she worries. Worries that she's going to do something stupid like jump in front of a train. Worse, snap and harm someone.

Last night when the cops showed up at their house, she thought she was going to throw up. What had her daughter done? After all, she had been brought to the hospital by police before, for self harm after hubby had called the school on a tip. It turns out, just hit a parked car. But she also saw how she lied to the cops' face.

Am I going to worry about this my whole life? That she's going to snap? And my other kids, they hold things in and the other cries and is scared. We are all scared, I had to lock up my wallet and keys and phone. Hubby says we can't continue living like this, but what choice do we have? It's not like we have money to rent her an apartment somewhere. Or have enough evidence to commit her. And what if she never gets it together and can't ever move out? I'm sorry to say she is poisoning our home.

My mom was only one person of the 5 of us, and she had all of us on eggshells. Always. Unfortunately, I could not give her hope that it will get better. Unless someone is able to take responsibility for their own actions and seek and accept help on their own volition, there really is little hope. Instead you learn to cope, accept, and emotionally distance. It's the sad truth.

down the street

What's wrong...? I could only hear sobbing. Oh no...! I'm coming right over okay?

When I showed up, she was barefoot and had just her phone. I hugged her and brought her home.

We talked an hour and a half. What could I say? My own mother had recently mentioned to my cousin the thought of killing herself. She told me point blank in May that she had just a year to live due to fibromyalgia, which I then explained was chronic, but not fatal. And then today she texted my sisters and I for the umpteenth time in my life that my dad can marry someone younger after she's gone. I know this disorder, the depression, this distorted reality. It doesn't go away and is no easy fix.

When I dropped her home, I told her I wished I could snap my fingers and all would be okay. That I wish I could do something to fix things. Talking helped, she told me. Sleep! I urged her, and try to stay strong. I will call you tomorrow.

routine

Ludlow Mountain, July 2015

The promise of another Futurama episode involves both kids showering and tidying up. It means that instead of taking their word for it, I go upstairs. I make sure clothes are off the floor and in bins. Wet towels are hung up and again, not on the floor. Books are put away, not just thrown on shelf but seams out. Toys on shelves. Lights off everywhere. They can't do it themselves, I have to check and hold them accountable. Building good habits.

Today at the pool I didn't even have a chance to get my suit on and jump in the pool before it was time to go. I sat down to say hello to Timmy's mom and that was it. Her son is off to Iona Prep, next year. I wanted to hear why. She is someone I had only shared niceties with and wow. Just wow! We should have been talking years ago! In an hour, she heard all about our year with both Jake and Belac - minus the Casper incident. I heard all about how her kids were doing. I had no idea about her oldest son, Jake's friend. We should have been talking. We had had very similar conversations with the school about her son and about Jake. Very similar general concerns about our boys. And we even found we had read the same books and consulted at least one same doctor! Oh my God! I told her when it was time for me to go, we should have been talking a long time ago! Well, let's definitely get together, she agreed.

I am so glad that I'm only going out of town twice, next year. I'm so lucky I am mostly around for my boys. Jake is entering 9th grade and I feel these next years are crucial for him to get his act together. It's not just about grades, it's about building good habits and getting himself organized and preparing himself as if for college/adulthood. No one else has the time and cares enough to help him on a certain level or even really understands what his challenges are. Yes, I understand you learn sometimes by sinking or swimming, and I have to make sure I don't baby him and do things FOR him, but at the same time, sometimes what you need is to throw a buoy, first, and give some instructions so they don't drown.

Jake kicked around a play soccer ball in the kitchen as we talked. He agreed that despite the ease of summer, that it is also about getting himself organized and set up at home, and mentally and physically prepared for high school. He wants to do well and the right thing, and for especially that, I am so grateful.

Off time

Sounds of hubby and Jake laughing hard while playing ping pong. Belac playing pictionary with a friend we brought home from the pool. Me practicing for a concert, it's music I've played a lot before but this Franck Sonata is so much harder than I remember.... Waiting for the grill to heat up. What a great way to end the week end.

stuff

The other night, I had like 90 minutes to get the crazy dining room together before hubby brought a whole bunch of people over for a board meeting. I did the impossible and made it look like nothing had ever happened in there. Stuff for trash into a bag and into the garage. Loaded up car with charity. Stash for sister, into the garage. Huge stacks of papers, thrown to the side to go through later. And then it was done. And done well, too.

The other day I raided all my cabinets of cans I know we won't eat and tons of boxes of chocolates and other knick knacky unopened food accumulated from students and my parents. Where did the 5 cans of Campbell's soup come from? Cans of pumpkin filling? Boxes of cornbread mix? Dusty looking Asian sauces? Guacamole in a jar? None of it was expired and it, too, was loaded into the car for donation at the food pantry.

I did the same with my closet and drawers. In 30 minutes I weeded out 2 garbage bags filled with clothes I hadn't worn in 2 years, save 2 pairs of pants I'll cut at the knee for gardening. Sweaters my parents gave me long ago, expensive things that never fit right and weren't my style, even a few things my sister knit or the other sister gave me....

Today, I'm wearing a 5 year old skirt from H&M and a plain old tank top from Target. Was all over town today and at the pool and was content about the way I appeared. Of course, I wasn't teaching at my fancy schmancy schools and it's summer! But if you take care of your body and your mind and your house, you really don't need crazy expensive stuff to make it look better. And yes, I know I'm in the middle of a rampage right now, but LESS of any stuff is simply so much better!

sunday funday

Sitting outside with the dog in my pjs with a cup of coffee. This is something I could not do in the city. I hear birds and the neighborhood waking up. Hubby just back from a run. Kids lazing in bed, they are definitely teenagers. And I just ran to the street, braless and in polka dotted pjs because 5 cars on both sides were stopped, there was a dog in the middle of the road. The owner finally appeared after 5 minutes and took the dog from my arms.

I lost a pound and a half this week. After thoroughly hydrating myself after the hike, yesterday, I did have an ice cold beer on the porch with hubby. He arrived home from a run, not long ago and mentioned that he felt better not drinking during the week. I agreed, I think saving it for Friday and Saturday night is enough.

It makes it easier that it's the two of us.

Boston

The director was forcing my hand and it was causing me angst. And I didn't understand why this was all on email and not in a phone call. I have become old-fashioned and just want to talk on the phone, it's faster and there's less chance of misunderstanding. But I also realized this was probably just easier for her and kept it all business. Though I hadn't said a word to worry her, I am certain she had gotten whiff that last year was too much for me. She had alluded to something at the end of the season when she hugged me goodbye, "Gimky, I know I need to keep in better touch with you...."

So what's happening? I'm playing in November and May, beginning and end of the season. 2 double concerts, that's it, and not traveling during Winter.  Maybe it will even be just one double concert, depending on the puzzle she has to figure out with repertoire and personnel, and it's quite okay. I'm very relieved. This is much more manageable.

Meanwhile, Olivia and I talked about putting some programs together, I reached out to other musicians I started playing with in NYC. I want to play, I really do. I think I am a better pianist than I ever was and I enjoy it! But I need to be more local, my kids need me and I want to be there for them.

Breakneck

First time the kids and I went up Breakneck Ridge, hubby had climbed it 5 years ago. Believe it or not, Belac scrambled up fastest and we were scared of losing him and couldn't keep up. It was unbelievable. There are definite advantages to being small and light. Maybe I should sign you up for a climbing class, I told him. Mom, do you think I should just stay small so I can be fast? You know, Belac.... if you remain this height, it is absolutely okay! If that's what happens, you will make the best of it. However, I think if we can get you to grow, you will have an easier time being over 5 feet, rather than 4 feet 5, don't you think? When you are a man, you don't want everyone thinking you're still a kid, right? So I think it's worth trying to get you to grow.

It was a strenuous hike, the first of its kind we ever did as a family. We really had to use our hands to scramble up and we were each dripping with sweat. I was amazed and proud at how well and quickly the kids climbed, especially Belac. The kids' stamina is a testament to all the hiking we've done regularly since they could walk. The views were novel and amazing and it was just the best way for us to spend a day together.

I would love to go back to the Grand Canyon and all of us hike down.

Hosokawa

Everything was so lovely about our evening with Olivia and her family. From our kids playing together and all of the younguns chasing Jake, to sitting out on their porch overlooking the Hudson, to Olivia's savory baked bries to hanging in the kitchen with her, talking about stuff as the guys did their own thang over scotches, to the kids being outside looking for venus....

Driving home - I was the designated driver - Jake suggested we roll down the windows the whole way. Up the Saw Mill we zoomed and it was breezy, cool and gorgeously dark. And unlike our long car trips where the kids were fully absorbed with the iPad, Belac pointed out interesting thing after interesting thing. Mom!! There's a flickering NYSC light, a passing car that was watching what he thought was Tom and Jerry.... Did you have fun? hubby specifically asked Jake. He's picky now at 14 and easily 'bored.' He had been with his brother and a 7 and 5 year old all evening. However, he had spent a fair amount of time with the adults, Olivia - knowing him well - went to find a clever word book from which he shared funny facts after dinner, and Olivia and hubby had included him in conversations as someone whose opinions mattered.... Yeah, he replied, I had fun.

The only reason Olivia and I ever met was because we were paired up to perform a Hosakawa duo for a new music festival. I was a doctoral candidate at Juilliard and she was in the Bachelor's program. There is no way we would have otherwise ever meaningfully met. Our interactions were initially sporadic and over the phone. For some reason, I thought she was black. I misunderstood that she was a transfer student from Africa, and when I had asked someone if they knew her, there was something about her distinct appearance.... So when I finally met this Texan, tall and red-haired, who had just gotten back from visiting her sister in South Africa, I could only laugh my head off.

We became very good friends before our husbands and children came along and our futures were more unknown. The mostly unlikely pair to become friends for so many reasons, but here we are, going strong after all of these years. Despite her being big time, and me not. Despite the age differences between us all. And living now more than just 2 blocks from each other, her house - my family and I, again, agreed last night - being the most gorgeous house we had ever experienced or stepped foot in. Lucky that I love her husband and kids and she, mine. Since that Hosokawa performance, there have easily been a dozen times she's been there for me during crucial moments of despair or confusion, and I can only hope I've been there for her in the same way. It would be hard to not be intimidated if I met her for the first time, today, I told hubby, but that the distractions of status, money, titles, and prestige have done little or nothing to deter or interfere with our interactions indicate to me that first and foremost, Olivia and I are friends.

overhaul

back to normal

I've had some days to reflect on this, and am sure the reason I gained 10 lbs. this year is the drinking and the snacking. Yes, I made all this calorie rich food for Belac and probably didn't alter my portions as I should have, but the snacking at night that I encouraged and in between meals - with foods that were fine for him but not okay for me - and especially the drinking every night is what did this. Even without regular aerobic exercise as of late, I'm pretty active. You won't often find my sitting on my butt for long periods of time unless I'm practicing.

On my 5th day of this altered diet. No calorie counting, no big restrictions, just common sense. Last night, I had 2 chicken thighs with some rice and veggies, even had a handful of chips after dinner, ate fresh and raw, all day.... but I have been very mindful about my eating, refraining from refined sugar and all things gluten, drinking seltzer all day long, and of course, no wine with dinner. The first couple of nights I had trouble sleeping and then was up insanely early. But my body has adjusted itself and is finding it's baseline. I feel much less bloated and tmi, regulated.

How long I can keep this up is anyone's guess. Tonight, we have dinner at Olivia's. She bakes amazing desserts and I will have no choice but to partake, but it will be my first time refraining from wine at dinner when everyone else is sipping. I do not want to appear holier than thou or dampen anyone's spirits, but I do really feel this exercise is important for me. At the very least I have to do something drastic about the extra 10 f-ing pounds I let happen. I'm willing to give up a few things to get there. Especially as I have been feeling so much better, lately, with a few changes and feeling far from deprived so far. If I can muster up the motivation, I may start running again.

new normal

so much food!

Putting 24 pieces of chicken in the oven that defrosted when unnamed child left the freezer open over night, 2 days ago. Our neighbors were supposed to come over, but remembered at the last minute they had previous plans. Unfortunately I had already bought a ton of corn and then a friend gave me her huge CSA portion. Our local friends are away or too far to call over and we have all this food on our hands. I cut up a whole cabbage and made Asian slaw, roasting beets and boiling up at least 3 stalks of corn. Tomorrow when we go to Olivia's I will bring over a ton of fresh veggies, we can't eat this all and I hate to waste food. Where there's a will there's a way, problem easily solved!

I don't take it personally that the neighbors aren't coming. They are beyond busy and I am used to it. It's a handful of dinners this year, though, that didn't materialize. One time we were supposed to go there and when I wrote to confirm, they either forgot or weren't planning on it. And before that, they cancelled on a dinner planned here, I think there was a show or something. But why was this a surprise? When the kids studied piano with me, they routinely forgot to come to their lessons. I hear they're doing much better with another teacher in town. We used to be more like friends in the beginning, in fact were friends before moving into this house, but over the years we've turned more neighborly and that's okay, too, maybe preferable. I think it's hard to be friends, piano teacher, and neighbors, and given the circumstances, best of all to be a good neighbor.

choices

The goodwill would not take 4 IKEA chairs, any of my foreign language dictionaries, another piece of furniture, a cork board.... it really puts things into perspective that stuff over time becomes junk, and then you are really stuck. Consume carefully.

My afternoon pick me upper: kale, 1/2 avocado, banana, blueberries, splash of oj.... hubby thinks my green shakes look disgusting, but they're actually delicious! This one was my best one yet.

By the way, hubby and I agree we are more productive and need less sleep when we skip the wine at dinner. It's not exactly hell on earth, he also thinks it's improved our sex life!