chop chop!

A field trip form came in for signing and paying. I immediately wrote a check and returned it to Belac's folder. His gummi bears arrived by Amazon Prime to share with his class as a birthday treat. Into a bag it went with 2 containers of apple juice and cups by the door. Email to teacher: there's enough for him to give to his speech group and all of his teachers. Phone calls to confirm time at a play space this week end for Belac, table rentals for the synagogue and a lengthy discussion at the night club about how to play the video montage hubby made. Table decorations finished, some I already brought to synagogue. A try on of 4 dresses sent to the house. Hubby wasn't crazy about the winning dress, but wanting to be done, I like it enough. A little spanx and more running and I will be fine. Now adding return 3 dresses to my to do (later) list. Check, check, chop, chop!  Everything has to get done now on top of all the normal stuff.

The big thing is the program. I really want it to be warm and explanatory enough, but not academic, long nor sentimental. I have been spending hours on the writing and it's really hard. The other thing is this house. The main floor is always spic and span because of teaching but the upstairs is disaster. It's really laughable the contrast. Next week, people stay with us and this morning, I'm just being realistic. I'm calling a service to help me get it together.

2 + 2

Hanging out in Jake's room as he finishes math. Every now and then I straighten out a confusion but mostly I'm laying on his bed reading the news. It's late and I know he appreciates my company. Earlier, I had urged him to be more descriptive in a Social Studies outline. So much resistance, but I asked him. This is a graded assignment, one of the few. Does this look like a lot of effort to you or the bare minimum? FINE MOM, he quipped, relenting, I'LL DO THE BARE MAXIMUM!!! How about the maximum maximum? Hubby suggested as he came in to show us something funny. Belac jumped out of bed hearing the laughter, and then all of us were oohing and aahing at our friends who looked so young in some Facebook photos.

Jake is really such a funny kid. I don't know what he was teasing hubby about, exactly. His lumber jack shirt or his striped boxers, maybe? He just has such an interesting perspective on things.

Point is. I am up to my eyeballs with stuff to do. And I'm overseeing on a daily basis what Jake needs to get done. Not quite hovering, because I do none of his work for him, but making sure that he not only gets everything completed but to a certain standard and to the letter of what the teacher requested. I can see he is beginning to get some inkling of the kind of attention to detail that generally needs to happen. I told Kati, earlier. He has turned in every single assignment of the new quarter and has gotten an A on every quiz and assignment so far. But OH MY GOD. It's only like the 2nd week and it's killing me. Kati told me, you're doing good by helping him. Be patient! I'm telling you, Gimky, he just needs to taste some success. Really. Help him! Let him taste it and he will learn to take over. And you know what? The truth is, I really enjoy this time with him, hard as it is, sometimes. We're having a good time.

If he follows the 'typical' path, he'll be at home just another 5 years. These are definitely the best days. I just love and appreciate this kid so much.

notes

I have had a girl in my nursery school class for 2 years. This semester, her little sister has been showing up in Mommy & Me with her mom. She's 2-1/2 years old and I was surprised she hadn't been coming earlier. I usually start teaching the younger sibs when their 6 months old. One day, the mom disclosed she had always wanted to come sooner with youngest but they had always been too busy with "services." Oh, I know all about that. I was once chained to my house almost 40 hours a week, I answered. And with that, we suddenly had a bond.

Her daughter is definitely sorta kinda on the spectrum and has language delay. She is tricky to engage but well behaved. And today she was so much more"on" than usual and in the middle of the action. The mom was so happy. The kid needs the social stimulation of younguns around her that adults simply cannot provide. By the way, she asked, our annual review is coming up, including our transition to CPSE. Would you mind filling out an observation form? No problem. What district are you in? Chappaqua. Oh, wow. We're the district next door. You are?? I teach part-time there and substitute in the middle school! You do? I do!!  We laughed. She knew my kids' teachers. And now she was going to figure out who my kids are, they have a different last name from mine. What a small world.

Between my trotting and walking, I am traveling 3 miles in almost 42 minutes everyday. Far cry from the 'very fit' category or a 10 minute mile or less. I could probably run a mile in 10 with a lot of huffing, but I can't sustain that kind of speed. Still. Proud of myself for my 9th day in a row!

giving in?

Want to see my movie so far? Belac asked, as he found his camera at breakfast. There were more than 500 still shots and he scrolled through with his thumb. There was an elaborate car chase through the house. 2 sports cars zooming all over the 2nd floor. I saw slippers, dust bunnies, unmade beds.... I saw characters driving. I saw a crash on my bed, a truck on it's side hanging precariously over its edge with 2 characters hanging on for dear life and the perspective of something/someone falling to the floor. Then cut to a fight between the characters, a lego man and some monster involving an ax, back and forth, who was going to win? And finally the lego man was down. Then cut back to Belac's room.... his cell phone was on the ground and showed the picture of the hurt lego man on the ground. (I thought that was brilliant!) One of the Cars 2 characters was looking at the screen, saw the man in his current hurt state, and off he zoomed looking for the man who he found, picked up and carried home.... It's not done, Mom, I'm going to finish it today.

It was unbelievable, really. I mean, you have to be so obsessive compulsive, patient, determined and creative to think up something like this and to spend hours, quiet as a mouse and completely engrossed....

And you see mom? I need to add music to it, sound effects, voices, special effects and make some of the pictures shorter, I need credits.... Mom I can't do everything in imovie, that's why I really need Final Cut Pro. It's better mom. So can we buy it? For my birthday? Or maybe tomorrow because I'm not going to have time on my birthday and I could finish my movie tomorrow before my birthday?

Am I really going to buy Final Cut Pro for this kid?

Bizzy

It was 5:30 before we got home and Jake could slosh through math. It was confusing for him. Between his other hwk and  his figuring out and my explaining/drilling the math, it was 9pm. Then Jake told me his science test was tomorrow? Tomorrow?? He had studied a little everyday, but not like the test was tomorrow. And so we got the text book out and I grilled him. After half an hour I wanted to go to bed. I've been up early, to bed late, 10 million things to do... But Jake insisted. At 10:50 we had gone through everything together.

Thank goodness hubby carried home Chinese. Thank god Belac amused himself with this crazy animation project... It's huge with various characters, lighting, drawing, fancy way of using his tripod.... His birthday is in 2 days. He's been asking me for Final Cut Pro, again. He had asked me like everyday for a year and the begging has begun again, every night, every morning, every meal. It's 300 dollars. Then he told me that if it's too much, how about the Adobe Professional CS6. Another animation program he is very proficient in. Um. That's 600 dollars. These are all tools he used for years at the lab. This semester he's not there and he craves making up these crazy stories of his with the ease of those fancy programs. I downloaded the free program pencil, but we are hung up on exactly how this program works, and the iMovie program doesn't do this or that well or at all....  This kid wants to make movies and is so motivated with all the piddley tools he has. He's not asking for something stupid and has more than proven that such a gift would not go to waste. But 300 dollars? It's a number I can't exactly wrap my head around for an 11 year old. Especially because if money was no  issue, it's really the Adobe he wants because it involves animating his drawings. For fucking sakes!

girl with doll leg for a pencil

I inquired with a teacher about the girl. She has learning issues and emotional problems. No one ever wants to sit with her. Ugh, it's so hard! I went ahead and sent the Evite to everyone in Jake's Hebrew school class, as we had agreed.

Within hours, everyone had viewed the invitation and there was just one immediate YES. Jake will not be thrilled at all and I will only mention it when I get more responses from the class, but I knew it! This girl who makes sure to say something bad to Jake, everyday? She just wants him to be her friend.

Snooping

Just snooping on Facebook.  My ex-boyfriend, someone who knew me in both under grad and grad, who was the first to call to tell me about my teacher's passing, looks to be together with a colleague/friend of mine. They are both divorced and have children. Only thing is they live on opposing coasts but still!! My jaw dropped and I laughed gleefully at seeing them together. It is totally surprising yet awesomely perfect. They probably laugh all of the time, they are both really good characters. Both also afflicted with the grass is greener somewhere else syndrome with a healthy dash of narcissism, but maybe the two of them can figure it out together from deep understanding and life long friendship that blossomed into something else? Omg!! The things you learn from Facebook! If they get married, I'm playing at their wedding!!!!

1 week

my first table decoration

7 days, 3 miles a day, no sweets and smaller portions. It was really hard, especially today. I got on the treadmill at 2, one hour later than usual, and my stomach was grumbling. I had received bad news. For the second day in a row, I practically walked the entire time, but this time listened to depressing music. Not fun.

I weighed myself afterwards. I couldn't believe it. I lost 2-1/2 lb in 7 days.

Rose called and we talked awhile. She was his student, too. But did she have a story. She came from a family that never went to college, there was alcohol, drugs, abuse, divorce, didn't have food on the table, the kids stole for food and the family routinely zoomed away in the middle of the night from creditors.... And one day, our teacher heard her play and said, hey, you should come to Oberlin. At 25 years old, she entered Oberlin as a violin student on full scholarship. She became the only person in every generation alive in her family to have gone to college and continues to be stable like no one else in her family, in large part I believe, because she went to college. AND graduate school. I was initially just her room mate and then a good friend.

I felt so bad I hadn't been in touch and that I hadn't told him what he meant to me, didn't thank him for helping me end up in NY, I just didn't realize.... Listen, she told me, and began telling me all the things a good friend says. And then you know what? I happened to look outside and a red jeep zoomed by my house. 

RIP

I am in no mood to get on the treadmill but am forcing myself.

An old friend just wrote to tell me that my former violin teacher passed away. I started taking violin lessons with him when I was 16 and then at Oberlin for undergrad. When I was admitted to Juilliard, later, even though it was on another instrument, piano, I really credited him for helping me reach that next level. He himself, went on to be professor of Violin and Dean at Juilliard.

I heard he was sick, this summer, and didn't sit down and write the letter I should have written. This really upsets me. He was just my dad's age or thereabouts.  75 years old.

What was it like to adopt 2 African American foster kids and then have 2 more, his biological own, who were very white? I wanted to know. I have an image of him in his almost orange leather coat and sun kissed cheeks, in his red jeep. A prim and proper and religious guy, who grew up to take an unconventional and amazing path. He was just this incredible human being, through and through.

RIP dear teacher.

middle school girls

I have found out that there is a girl who is mean to Jake. Apparently, she told Jake in Science "nobody likes you," yesterday. Jake says she's weird, and uses a pencil that she has attached a baby doll's leg to. Apparently the comments from her have been going on a long time both at school and in Hebrew school. About the way he looks, his (lack of) smarts... What the hell? Who is this girl? And I'm only hearing about this now?

Is it possible she likes you?  Jake gave me a look like, how can you be so stupid? I just told you she insults me everyday.

Well.... I laughed. Girls are weird. And she's only putting in so much effort because she feels something. Maybe she likes you and you don't like her back...? She sounds pretty mean, though.

Jake's bar mitzvah party is coming up. The rule is, invite everybody from his Hebrew School class (9 kids, 7 of which are girls) or nobody. Well, it took me awhile to figure out that the reason why he was inviting nobody was to avoid this girl. Hubby talked it over with Jake. You know, those other girls in your class... they've been with you for years and they're great. Yeah, I know, Jake agreed. And, you know, boys might want to have the girls there. It makes the dancing more fun. I mean, you're going to be a bunch of boys dancing together? It's going to be more interesting with the girls there, trust me!

Ugh. I want all the other girls there, but I just don't want to invite her. Everyone but her!

It doesn't work that way! Listen, she will be one person in the 100, and chances are she won't come anyway.

Who the hell was this girl? I went looking her up in the school directory. And then I put it all together!  The girl has learning issues and postponed her bat mitzvah 6 months for extra time to learn. She's in a specialized class at school. She's also an only child of a single mother, who has a huge chip on her shoulder, ready to pick a fight with anyone. And they live with the grandmother in town, who is also single.

If she RSVPs to Jake's bar mitzvah, then it will prove what I suspect. Despite her crazy behavior, she basically likes Jake. And I don't blame her. Jake is not your typical rah-rah public school boy. He is a thoughtful, generally understated kid, with a great way of making playful fun of things. He's not popular, but holds his own. He also doesn't like things or people just because others do, and has to really work in order to do well-but manages without any obvious supports. She doesn't hate him, she likes him.

the extras

I balked when someone asked me what we were "doing" about favors. Tchatkes? Wasn't the party enough? The party's enough, I proclaimed indignantly. But the question gave me pause, later. I don't want to be perceived as cheap or unthoughtful, and searching for something small and useful, over the weeks, I found just the thing! In a nod to his Asian heritage, personalized bamboo chopsticks! One with Jake's name, the other with the date of his bar mitzvah. I will tie each pair with a little green ribbon (his favorite color) and that will be that. Everyone can use a pair of chopsticks, right? And even if not, they take up like no space in your utensil drawer. Painless!

Invitations? Postmark Evites. A relative was astonished we didn't do paper ones, but on this point I would not budge. No trees or waste involved in this and besides, I needed the efficiency of everything by computer.

Then asked about party decorations. (None.) We are having it in a local, night-club place with cool lights. It's perfect as is, what do we need decorations for? Not even table decorations? (No!) Again, I felt irritation. But you know what I'm going to do? Thinking it over later. I'm making pyramids of Campbell Tomato Soup cans, wrapping them up in shiny cellophane and ribbon. They will be table decorations a la Warhol. I don't need many pyramids, it's a buffet style luncheon, but it'll all be food we donate to the Foodbank and the pantry next door. Every guest has been asked to bring a can, so hopefully we will have an additional 100 piece collection of food to boot!

Ho hum formalities turned fun and practical. I love it!

fitness goal

Hubby doesn't care about the my chubbiness. He cares about my being able to run 3 miles in less than 30. What?! I can run a 10 minute mile but not 3 miles at that pace continuously. Or at least I don't think I can without hurting myself....  You need to run 3 miles under 30 minutes and regularly, he repeated, that should be your goal.  Your goal should be to be fit! Okay, 12 minute miles according to this article. Gimky! You are not middle aged, you need to run 3 miles in less than 30! You'll feel good and plus, you'll probably want more hanky panky! he declared as he tried to kiss me. GO AWAY! I pushed hubby, laughing.

So I did a little google search. And came up with a few supporting documents. Okay, then. Let's see how fast I can run 3 miles tomorrow. I predict I'm in the almost-moderate fitness category. i.e. 12ish minute miles.

day in, day out

Between all of the fatal shootings in ordinary places, lately, and my disdain of shopping, I may never walk into a mall again. I need a dress for Jake's bar mitzvah in 2 weeks. I don't have a suit or something appropriately conservative or formal enough for the service and so went online and bought 4 long-sleeved dresses. All black, all with a little stretch, all on sale. What could go wrong? I have my spanx! Whichever fits best is what I will wear, everything else I'll just send right back. And with that, I've checked this to-do off my list.

Now into overdrive prep of Jake's bar mitzvah and party. We have 100 people RSVPed. I have meals to order at the house, cabs to reserve, the house to clean and organize for people staying, the programs to make.... Everyone keeps asking me, are you nervous? Am I supposed to be? I'm not. Jake has worked so hard and is ready. Belac is ready with his part. Hubby is finished with the montage. We each need to choreograph a few words. It's a little like Thanksgiving on steroids. And with every part of the week end, we're going for great but simple. I just hope I'm not forgetting anything.

Mostly, though, I am just trying to get myself good and obsessed about 3 miles. Today's 3 were hard and I just walked it, but that makes 6 days in a row so far. Hubby does it everyday, why can't I? He's managed to exercise pretty much everyday for 4 years and continues to be in the best shape. He just signed up for his second triathlon at Lake George. He's living proof that it's possible to change your lifestyle.... I'm trying.

Now off to check on Jake, who is also doing well with his goals! He came home on Friday and announced he was sure he got an A on his math quiz. He never offered up such a confident assessment before, but then again, had never been so decidedly and effortfully organized on a daily basis either. Together, we mapped out a schedule of what needed to get done. When emptying his bag to prove to me that all he needed was there, he discovered something was missing. Off to school he went before the doors locked for the week end. Hallelujah!!

Day in, day out. That's really what it's all about, isn't it?

New Rule

45 minutes a day and 3 miles. Not allowed to just stop after the 3.

I ran to hubby's music today. It's called rave or rage or something like that. It's club music I think. I can see why he exercises to this everyday. It's fast, loud, upbeat, and relentless. My legs were tired but I ran farther and longer than in previous days and I'm convinced it's because of this music.

Feeling good.

coffee klatsch

Me and dad are not moving until you have to carry us out...

Mom, I know. But I also want you to think about what happens if you go first or dad goes first... Can you live there by yourself?

Oh, yeah! I'm strong and very independent, I can do it, no problem!

You're using a cane, Mom. And you're now hard of hearing. You have had surgery every year for like 5 years... I think we need to discuss your living closer to one of us.... I'll be fine, I'm fine, she kept insisting as we drove to sister's bridal shower.

What's going to happen to me when you're not around? I asked hubby, last night. Well, first you take the life insurance money and you pay off this house. That's not what I mean, I interrupted, I mean....

And you know what came tumbling out of my mouth? I was sounding more and more like my mother by the breath. I mean, I continued. Right now of course I'm good to have around. I keep house, I cook, I take care of the kids and am all over them, I organize, find fun stuff to do.... But what happens when the kids are gone and your young secretary with big boobs and tiny skirt wants a piece of you? Like, then what happens? If you decided to start a new life ---- Gimky, first of all, I'm not really a boobs kind of guy... (tons of laughter from both of us)....

I just finished a rehearsal and am getting into my 1 o'clock mindset while sipping coffee. Is it my imagination or are my ribs not digging (as much) into my potbelly today? Could 3 days of 3 miles really make such a difference? Getting on that treadmill in an hour. Do or die!

another 3

Another 3 miles. I've decided 1pm is a good time, M-F. Never doing anything in particular at that time. There's time to teach a class or one of my adults and run an errand. And now I can still shower, eat lunch and clean house before my next students. It works. Week ends will be another thing....

Onjy takes my class with her youngest. This morning, she told that her friend I met was just diagnosed with aggressive early onset Parkinson's. She also told me that her daughter's friend's dad dropped dead over the week end. No one knows why yet. I also returned from my sister's bridal shower to hear that an aquaintance's 8 year old son fell ill and went into a coma. Snap, just like that. They think it might be Reye's Syndrome. And if and when he wakes up, there will be brain damage. It's all horrible. And a reminder how valuable our health is. Best to be proactive about keeping ourselves in good shape, body, mind and spirit.

Another reason to run. Another reason to use our time properly and help Jake develop some tools. You never know when your time is up and so the time is now!

3 weeks, 3 miles, 3 people

What I'm asking Jake to do is as hard as getting rid of the same 10 pounds of the past 3 years. Except now it's like 15. Do I really want to lose it or not? Certainly haven't been behaving that way consistently. But for the past few months, I have seen one fat picture of myself after another. And this week end, I just felt uncomfortable in my usual clothes.The problem is, my waist line has exploded and I don't have the clothes for it. I have gotten on that treadmill and fallen off, time and time again. It's hard to stay on, it's hard to be consistent, but I'm going to have to get on it and stop eating Belac's food immediately or I'm going to need a new wardrobe. For the first time, I feel that if I don't catch the boat soon, I'm going to end up someplace really hard to escape.

The promise I made myself? 45 minutes or 3 miles a day, whichever comes first.

I really wasn't distinguished in anything school-wise growing up. I was a straight B student and didn't work very hard. I realize no amount of yelling or getting in trouble or telling me to study harder helped. I just didn't know how to be better. But I had Mrs. Abramsohn in my life and I think she's in large part how I learned to be good at something. She made time for me and was straight with me. She didn't dwell too long over things and was very practical. There was no drama. She pushed me to be better but didn't push me into music, it was never about her ego. But as long as she was my teacher, she wanted to do right by me. By the time I was in high school, she was bringing me to University of Michigan and Oakland University regularly to have lessons with the professors there because she wanted to make sure that I was getting what I should be getting that she might not be giving me.... And if there was anything I wanted to pursue besides music? Go for it! If I wanted to enter a competition? Just remember, whatever the outcome. That's how the cookie crumbles. Her reaction when I didn't get into Juilliard at 18? Relief. She didn't think I was emotionally ready. When I entered there at 22? I could finally see her point. Her kind of no-nonsense, no-stress, bite off what you can chew approach worked for me.

Today was the second day in a row I got on that treadmill. It's really hard but I'm determined. I want to show Jake that I can do it, and that I walk the walk. And you know? My son and I are a lot alike. I have Mrs. Abramsohn to remember and thank as I try to help Jake figure things out.

New quarter

Hubby cleaning off my car in 1 degree weather. Me waiting on kids downstairs. There's a 3 hour delay, this morning, and I let them sleep in. Coffee brewing. Jake will have an hour of math this morning, Belac now scrambling to play outside.

Last night, we reviewed Jake's grades from last quarter. He weeped silently to see what happened in Math and Science. And to my restrained astonishment, he finished math with another missing assignment. Another zero. How did that happen? I was now overseeing his to do list, everyday. How had I not caught this? Then we got our first glance at his most recent math test grade, the last grade of the quarter. It was an 89.

Is that good? he asked.

What was your last test grade?

He found it on the list. 79....

Well, what do you think...? That's 10 percentage points higher! And I'm not surprised. You reviewed all of your homework and the entire chapter before this test. Remember those 8 hours we studied together? That's huge improvement and well worth the effort, don't you think? It's good, I answered. And now I could see he was weeping again.

Listen. We have options. If it's about concentration at school, we can find out about medication. If it's because you can't or don't know how, I can get a tutor or I can continue with you like this. Whatever path we take, though, 2 basic things have to happen. TWO. First, you have to want it. Not me, you. And that means you are in the driver's seat. You!  Second, and I referred to some papers, folded over many times and lost in the very back of his science folder, an assignment that was marked late and another sheet that indicated that he got a 62 on something back in December.... You have to face up to your challenges. Nothing will get better unless you stare it down and deal with it. Hide and it will only get worse. You can always come to me and I will help you, but you really need to be upfront. If you wait for me to figure it out, too much valuable time has been lost. This 62? It didn't go away despite being hidden back here. And because it wasn't looked over and mistakes corrected, it hurt you on what came next. You need to look at your mistakes right in the eye, sweetie pie. It sucks and it feels bad, but that's how you improve for real. And when you do improve because you've put in that necessary tough work, it's the best feeling ever....

Mom, can you stay? Jake asked when I later went to say goodnight. I lay down next to him. Mom? you know how the arrow has to go back before it goes forward? Mm hmm. Well, I think I've really gone back. I laughed. That's a good one! Maybe you've reached rock bottom, I remarked, I certainly hope so! Thanks, mom! he rolled his eyes and giggled. I have another one, he told me. When things are coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

I ran today, I told Jake. Good for you! my kid told me, how far? how long...? I should have been running these past 6 months, and now I have a big, fat stomach to show for it. Supposedly it takes 3 weeks to incorporate a new habit, so I have my own thing to fix.... Guess what, Jake? Today is the first day of the new quarter! And you know what? You have like 3 weeks until your bar mitzvah! You have a clean slate and that is exciting. A lot can happen in that time and I know you can figure this out and get your grades up. We can both do it if we put in the right kind of effort. Let's get into a good routine, okay?

early dismissal

Dot texted last night: In the city, tmw. If there is early dismissal, can Ethan go to u? Should be back by 3:30.

Me: Of course!

Later from Kati: I work til 1:30. If school dismisses early can Izzy go to you?

Me: No problem.

This morning I made lunches before I got the memo. Dismissal at 11:30. The kids did a dance! I noticed that Jared's parents, teachers at a nearby school, were not on early dismissal. Jake, I pointed out, if Jared needs a ride after school I can drive him, or if his parents want to pick him up here, he can come, okay? He nodded.

That we live in walking distance of school is like winning the lottery. It keeps things casual and easy. Occasionally kids have come straight here from school and waited for their parents while I teach my music lessons in another room. The kids are all old enough for minimal supervision but most live too far to walk home by themselves in this no bussing district. As a result, I'm on the emergency list of 24 Sunny Patch kids and they all know to come to my house if need be and how to get in through the garage if the doors are locked. Parents have stocked my first aid kit with epi-pens, benadryl and inhalers, and we keep a tub of toothbrushes that have friends' names on them from sleepovers. I love this social aspect of our life, really only possible because of the location of this house.

We are so lucky.

volunteering on MLK day

After the better part of the day, volunteering at the Harlem food bank, I turned to see Jake telling the organizer as we left. "This was great, this was really fun...." This from a generally shy kid who I usually have to push/force to be the slightest bit chatty with strangers.

We had just spent hours making sandwiches for the hungry elderly, and Jake had agreeably jumped from one task to another. The mostly adults there talked to him like a grown up and asked him to do things. I deliberately never stood right next to him to keep from micro-managing and I could see his interactions with others made him feel needed, valuable. Then Bill de Blasio came with his wife in a surprise visit to help. And despite all the attention the dark-colored Girl Scouts got on camera, and for pretty much the whole time, an aide made sure at my very polite asking that the mayor give Jake a handshake and an opportunity for a photo-op. I had been hovering nearby and Jake kept protesting, there's no way, mom! There's no way, everyone wants him! Well, I'm going to try, at least I'm going to ask and have them say no! I told him as he watched on awkwardly.

Well, whaddya know? Jake got his handshake with the Mayor, "thank you for your service" he told Jake, and I snapped a photo of just the two of them, with the Mayor's arm around Jake's shoulder. Jake was beaming and I was thrilled, the day could not have gone better! Over a plate of jerk chicken Jake and I shared, he told me he never tasted such amazing chicken before.... I would like to believe he would have felt this, even if we weren't being served and in the warmth of the Red Rooster.... We chatted while taking in the view out our train window. I felt his head rest on my shoulder. I'm tired, he told me. Me, too, I agreed, we were on our feet all day! Do you feel anything else? I asked. Happy, came the simple and thoughtless reply. Me, too!

anecdote of sorts

When Cootie originally accepted an assignment with CURE International, however many years ago, she called to let me know but wanted me to guess her destination. Costa Rica? Where she had once lived in a dirt floor hut and served as the ER doctor for a village? Somewhere in South America? Okay, then Africa someplace. Russia. Um... India? Turkey...? I was slowly narrowing in on a part of the world which was increasingly politically unstable. Really? I was getting warmer? I didn't know much about the Middle East and Afghanistan, except that it was a dusty, faraway place of incomprehensible turmoil and fighting. And it certainly never occurred to me that Cootie would willingly go there, of all places. Oh my God! I could only say, do mom and dad know??

You see, she was and always has been very petite. She was also a kid with a quiet demeanor whose parents worried about her being potentially picked on. Especially in the early 80s in an all-white, pseudo-blue collar neighborhood of metro-Detroit. In 6th grade, rather than go to the local public school, she ended up at a small private and progressive school, where she thrived and was a straight A student. She was someone who time and time again made great choices and always did the right thing. She also played piano extremely well, by the way. No one talks about it because her sister went on to pursue music professionally, but it wasn't just her sister who debuted with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. Cootie did, too. 

Even as an adult, her petiteness and youthful face came as a shock to those around her. Time and time again, she was mistaken for a candy striper and asked to go get the doctor, when she, in fact, was the doctor on duty. But here she was, what? 5 feet tall and 90 lbs. and going to Afghanistan as a medical doctor. She had to dress like the native women, hire her own body guard, figure out how to get to and best help the women and children in need of medical attention... and she even returned later with a Johns Hopkins team for another year on a much different assignment that involved traveling by jeep all over the country. The stories she can tell!

My son is very petite for his age. We are all concerned about his growth, most of all, him. But I tell him all of the time: "It doesn't matter. Look at your Auntie and remember all these amazing things she has done. Great things can come in small packages!" She is an inspiration and role model for all.

****

That's the best I could do. I just don't have a cutsie story from our childhood.This is probably too personal, too heavy and inappropriate for the game, it will stick out like a sore thumb when read, but it's heartfelt and I didn't have to spin one word.

packing food

Mom, you didn't kiss me good night! I heard Jake say in the dark. I was just leaving his room after tussling his hair and making loud air kisses. I went back, pushed the dog over and sat on his bed. It was good what we did, today, I told him. We helped pack over 250 backpacks. That's 250 hungry households that are getting food packages, tomorrow, and you helped pack every one of them! Good job, Jake.

Thanks, mom, he murmered, as I kissed him good night.

I often worry that my kids are too soft. But what if they are just kids like any other kid? What if it's the normal thing to want and need a kiss from your mom everyday? And I just don't know it or realize it's necessary because I never got this treatment myself and never even knew to want it?

I might be tough in a certain life skills way and stubborn and full of pride, but in a certain emotional way that not everyone sees, I'm not always how I appear. I don't want my kids to have the family life I did, those very things that I attribute to making me tough. So how can I lament my kids for being soft?And why is soft so bad if it means that you feel your feelings? The more important thing, I realize, is that the kids not grow up oblivious or indifferent to the suffering and hardship around them. They need constant exposure and opportunities to do something positive and not just yack or stand by.

history

I did always think I was going to have a house of girls. And I'd show my mom one day how great we'd all be together. But now in my wiser years, I am not so naive and thank fate I had boys. My sister is the one with the stronger personality to not repeat history with her girls. They are amazing, lively kids and she is an awesome, involved mom.

I don't want to dwell on the past, but it just bothers me. How could my sisters and I not have sweet stories to tell of our childhood or of each other? How is it possible that we have such few memories of anything? My sister's girls already have so many stories to tell in their young age, as do my boys. Why do my sisters and I have such a disconnect with our childhood?  It's not just failing memory or the sensitive middle child thing. I realize from this bridal shower exercise that actually all three of us are afflicted in the same way to mostly the same degree. I wish I could go back as my current 44 year old self and just see it all for what it was.

Last night hubby told me that I was the best wifey in the world and he was so lucky. Oh, cmon, I rolled my eyes, you'd say that about anyone you would have ended up with. You're missing out on some other amazing person by being with me, hubby! It's true, he insisted, you're the best woman ever. More eye rolling. It's your birthday, I pointed out, chuckling, and I'm supposed to be saying this to you! First, at least!

The thing about hubby is, nothing is piecemeal and he's not counting, even if he'd win, hands down. He is emotionally generous. I'm almost never confused about where I stand with him and it's a pretty stable, safe place. It also means that when someone walks into our house, chances are, either or both of us are emotionally available. My dad was always the most devoted family man but worked full-time and long hours. It was physically and emotionally impossible for him to do all the heavy lifting, all of the time, while constantly putting out fires right and left. And so maybe my sisters and I retreated. We just endured the Christmases that someone refused to let us put up the tree and dealt with a certain instability by simply not putting ourselves out there, not even with each other. Is this what happened?

I wonder if my mom knows to buy a gift for my sister's shower. I didn't know, so how could she know? I'll have her sign her name to my gift if need be.... The truth is, I feel so deeply bad for my mom. She especially needed a friend during her first 20 years in the states, when she had me and my sisters. Even a little prozac might have helped.

late night texts

Can you give me an anecdote? All I can think of is when she broke her arm in 6th grade and I thought they cut her arm off.

Oh god. Just came home. I have no idea I didn't do this myself.

That's a good one.

I remember her and I fighting over duo piano, yelling

Um Maybe not that.

I remember her crying bc she didn't get any bday gifts one year.

Omg. Seriously? What horrible parents.

What year was that??

Then dad brought her a crab fish encased in some glass and she treasured that thing.

She was about 10? 

I remember that.

She was crying.

Maybe also not something to share.

We did not have a sentimental upbringing that's for sure. Is this why I drink?

I found her in bed and asked why she was crying. Then I told her I got her a gift and it was  under her bed and that made her feel better but I actually hadn't and it made it worse.

 Maybe.

I can't remember any of my birthdays until the Mir's bought me my first GV jeans.

 It's so bad that neither of us can find anything appropriate to say.

No, it was Alyssa.

Who the ef picked this game? Sindy also on this list of delinquents. We just don't have the right upbringing for this stupid game.

I think you should talk about the beautiful things she knits for your kids.

That she let your girls tattoo her.

I don't remember the tattooing.

She took pictures, they're on FB. Her guy got a tattoo too.

I don't know what I'm going to say.

She's supposed to guess who wrote what?

I think I might talk about her going to Afghanistan, giving her car to a poor family....

Who cares what the rules are! Just write something sweet. There's so much from our grown up life, so let's just not go back that far.

Trying to figure out if it needs to be writing in 3rd person voice or in an anecdotal way.

Who cares?

Don't make it complicated, just write something!

Don't be mean to me just bc you have a bellyache after eating 43 wings!!

Who told you that??

My hair doesn't look that great on day 2....

I will print out the anecdote and bring it.

Aren't you and I supposed to run another game??

Your hubby secretly posted on FB, I saw you eating them.

Just kidding.

The pig pigging out?

Wipe that grease and sauce off your chin.

Did you bring a bib home as a souvenir?

Sindy and I decided if we have to do a game, it would be a drinking game. We already agreed to buy and make a signature cocktail for the party.

By the way did you buy a shower gift? Were we supposed to get a time of day or something? I bought nothing. But am now thinking I will go to V Secret...

Yes. Bought a while ago. Got her a wedding gift of soda stream, but then Stephanie also got her one. Gave her ok to return. Got her garden supplies for shower (shovel, weeder, snippers, etc.)

Omg. I am so bad. I haven't bought her anything!

Wedding gift or shower gift? I don't get it.  

Are they the same?

I bought soda streams as a wedding gift. She will exchange. Then garden tools as a shower gift. TWO gifts.

Oh god.

Yes. She is your sister. Be happy.

Okay.

I don't know why this whole thing has been hard for me. Think mom wrote an anecdote?

Mom said only one sincerely sweet thing about sister I can remember in my whole life. It was totally unprovoked.

I will always remember.

She said that sister was just the most beautiful, cute kid ever.  

Happy Birthday!

I bought hubby a really nice birthday gift. I think it's going to simplify his travels because he can travel with one compact bag instead of 2 not quite right ones, one of which is on its very last leg. I looked at a hundred bags and read lots of reviews. This one - I hope - fits the bill. He needs a spectacularly efficient and durable bag designed to carry and keep organized everything he needs for a short trip. A laptop and ipad, camera, cords, batteries, passports and tickets, adaptors, files, toiletries, a change of clothes, other knick knacks, any or all of the above... either for vacation or business, traveling by car or by plane.

It's a Tumi T-Tech Network backpack. Do you know how much these things cost? But if I was going to spend any money on something, this was it. This thing is amazingly compact and lightweight but incredibly spacious, with plenty of slots and pockets cleverly placed and thought out for convenience. You also do not need to remove the laptop at airport security because it's TSA approved! Huge plus. It's not much bigger than his current briefcase and yet it fits and offers so much more.

I think it's the perfect bag for him and his stuff. I'm excited about giving it to him. Tonight we go to a local restaurant where he'll be able to order 43 chicken wings for free. If he gets home soon enough, he could get a car wash at our local place, also for free. What's there not to love about turning 43? Happy Birthday to hubby!

unexpected

My neighbors' kids arrived at 7:30, after my own kids were off. Their mom had a train bound for PA to catch and these kiddies would just be with me for a half hour until the start of school. I know the family well and the kids are really sweet and well behaved. I didn't mind at all. The little girl sat at my island drinking tea and chatting, while the other busied himself building something. She explained that the tea was for her cough.

Why is she going to school if she's sick? the brother asked, as we bundled up.

She just has a cough, I explained, sweetie, how do you feel? 

Sick, she told me. But she's 5 and I know the power of suggestion....

But you don't have a fever, do you? I put my hand on her head.

The nurse said I did, she told me.

The nurse? When? 

Yesterday, she said.

Yesterday? Did you come home early from school...?

Yes.

I thought about what I had to do today. I teach a class this morning but am back this afternoon. If she could make it through the morning, I'd be home in the afternoon for a few hours, but then unavailable when my new student showed up at 3pm. However, there would be her babysitter at 3 I could hand her over to.

If she were my child, I could exercise the luxury of cancelling both the class and the lesson. That's my life, working per hour, part time, and for myself. Her mother, on the other hand, was enroute to PA and her dad had to be at work. School policy is not to return until 24 hours after the fever is gone, but I understand why they sent her to school, anyway. It's easier to get childcare for after school or even snow days, when other parents are home, but for the unexpected, when a kid is sick? Unless you have full-time help or an older relative nearby, this is where childcare is really complicated for working parents lacking a certain flexibility.

Let's get you off to school, okay? See how it goes, sweetie pie. But if you don't feel good, let your teacher know. I gave her a hug. I then texted the parents. Heads up, she says she's not feeling well. I can pick her up in the afternoon if the school calls.

very messy midnight post

Everyone fast asleep. I had too many coffees at this lecture, tonight.

In a nutshell. I have studied/overseen math with Jake for 8 hours since Saturday. I am so proud of him. We went through his datebook and picked up from the last test in December. He solved and I checked, every problem of every homework assignment. Every single problem of every packet and quiz. He suffered through it and there was a lot for him to understand better but he never complained and pushed himself. And now tomorrow he has his math test. Tomorrow, we also agreed he'd get up early to solve a few more problems before school. And he knows, going forward, that he has to stay on top of math, everyday. Even if there is no homework. It was crazy this time because we reviewed one month of math in a few days, but if he studies seriously everyday, it will be far less painful! I have now studied his papers and workbook and see clearly what is going on. This kid is definitely motivated and spends a lot of time studying, but he's not studying at all properly or effectively or in any organized fashion. He needs to be proactive when he doesn't understand something and he needs to be taught how to systematically go from point A to point B. I am hopeful. This afternoon, when he finally got a concept after tens of repetitions, he was smiling from ear to ear and we high-fived each other. He is such a good kid with good intentions. There is no way he's getting a C on this next test, he knows the material better than that. Maybe he'll get a B. But the best outcome? An A. It would clearly show him that his hard work pays off. I know life does not always work this way, but he needs to see this just once. Badly.

The consensus has been, as hubby and Kati (and Kirang) have suggested, is to teach him the skills to manage. And it involves constant organizational help, breaking things down into more manageable pieces, endless checking in, and always recognizing the positive of what he's doing. It's a lot from me, but I see this is going to be the only way for now....

Kids signed up for camp. It's only January! But this is NY and people are crazy. Last time I waited 2 days after registration began, and the kids did not get the classes they wanted. So this time I am on top of it. Belac is fully registered for film camp and tomorrow I finish registration for Jake's wilderness camp. Hands down, film camp is what Belac wanted. No question. Jake is more intrigued than anything about his choice. I believe he is going to love this all boys camp in the Laurentians, where they live in tents and spend their time going on canoe trips, swimming, sailing, playing sports, cooking, and doing everything outdoors, away from everything electronic. Away from math and grades. He's a nature kid and I think and hope he'll be in heaven. It's also where hubby went, 31 years ago....

Bar mitzvah coming up. So much to do and plan. People staying with us and flying in and staying in hotels. Lots of meals to coordinate....

10 minutes that turned into an hour with Kati, when I dropped something off at her house. You know what? I learned some new things about Kati. And again, she stressed to me how important it is to take baby steps and be very supportive of Jake. She and Jake, she pointed out, they were a lot alike. She was a straight B student and though from a loving family, she felt she didn't get a certain support. She was plagued by a certain insecurity. I hadn't known that she didn't go to college right away, but when she finally did, she got some perfect score on an exam that got her into a great university in Hungary, her home country. It could have turned out differently. And now she was advising me.

They found the driver of the hit and run accident. She was not a reckless texting teenager, but a grandmother who ran over another grandmother. She also had no idea she did what she did....

I love the members of this special needs group, many of whom I chit chatted with tonight at the lecture we organized. A woman, an educator and in her late 60s, has talked to me about pairing up with her over a project. Not sure, but I adore this woman, and her name is Cookie! Seriously, that's not a pseudonym! Anyway, what is it with me and older woman that I attach myself to? My lessons with one of my students, a 65 year old, last 2 hours a week and she always pays me for every minute, even though I would do it for free. They are all variations of Regina. But obviously not Regina. And not Mrs. Abramsohn, either.

My important take away from tonight:

It was widely studied after WWII. Kids in the bunkers with parents who sang and reassured their children, even with chaos and turmoil around them, generally fared better and did not suffer from PTSD, even 10 years out. Those children whose parents cried and screamed and freaked out did not fair as well.... In other words, do not join your child in their stress. And remember how influential mirror neurons are.

Meditation has been proven to alter one's nervous system for the better. I really want both boys to learn yoga/meditation. I ought to continue with yoga, too, but just need to find a cheaper place to practice.

Off to bed. I'm getting up at 6 with Jake! I'm becoming an expert in 7th grade math, second time around. And you know what? He actually wants it and there's nothing else I'd rather be doing.

Maybe

Have not had a minute. Came home from a lecture to find out Alyssa's husband was 3-1/2 hours into surgery on the east side. Hopefully all goes well. Kids wanted kisses.... Time to write tomorrow, maybe?

AM

Terrible, terrible morning.... Ugh, I texted Kati. I was livid with Jake and there were tears. He went off to school. Hubby off to work and we could only exchange quiet looks. And then when I sent Belac off, he turned around and let out a sob. Mom? he wiped away tears, barely able to utter a word, it scares me when you yell at Jake.

I pulled him gently back into the house so we could talk.

I was mad at him because he didn't do something he was supposed to do. Something he told me he did. Something important. But I still love him and we're going to figure it out. Whenever I am mad, you know I still love you and care about you, right? He nodded. I'm never giving up on you or Jake, but sometimes I get really frustrated.... Do you want a hug?

He was crying, now, and trying to stop. I understood the hug would make it harder.

No, he said, not really.

So am I doing good in school? he asked.

Yes, I told him. And even if you were having a hard time or even getting bad grades, I would still think you're doing good if you were trying. It's really important to try, okay? Because that's what matters most about doing good in school.

Jake and I are signed up to volunteer at a soup kitchen in Harlem. We are also stocking shelves at our local food bank, next week. Better that he does this than do nothing, of course. But it's still once removed. I mean, I should walk the streets of NY with this kid. We should visit a shelter where kids his age and younger live.  He doesn't want for anything in idyllic Sunny Patch. Doesn't understand how so many people suffer through no fault of their own. Doesn't know how to work hard or hold himself to a certain standard. And I just have this sinking feeling it's because he has too much and is not left wanting enough....

I spoke to both hubby and Kati at length, this morning. The only ones who, like me, know him from everyday. Tricky part is making sure I don't rip Jake apart and make him feel like he can't do it or that it's not worth trying because he'll fail anyway. He is a delicate mix of sensitive, sweet, capable, easy but unsure and unaware. He really needs to hold himself to a certain standard and do what it takes, even if it's hard. How to truly help him and motivate him? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.
 

what's new

Jake and I sat down with the Science teacher after school. I had made this appointment before Christmas, after Jake and I had a heart to heart. The teacher immediately took the lead in engaging and brainstorming with Jake about class room performance. He spoke slowly and touched based with Jake every few minutes to make sure he was clear. He asked Jake, after he explained a study guide rubric after it became apparent Jake did not understand it. So would you be comfortable in raising your hand in class and saying, hey, I don't understand what you just said?  Jake smiled, and said, uh, not really... no. Okay, so how about you write it down, or you make a check next to what it is and then you come to me after class? Would you feel comfortable about that? Uh... yeah.... Okay, then. When you miss something or feel confused about something, that's what you can do. But just put it in your folder, and it will get lost.... They went through his entire binder and he gave suggestions about organization. Before we finish, Jake, I want you to tell me, is there anything you can think of that I can do to help you? Wow, I was so relieved to hear this and sat quietly listening. Upon leaving, I looked at my watch. It had been a productive 45-minute session between Jake and teacher that covered all bases. How totally lucky Jake has a teacher like Mr. Science. He and Monsieur Francais are the best.

Hubby and I went to White Plains last night and attended an orientation meeting. This will have to be another post. I liked the moderator enough, but we were among some very weird people. I have to be careful about how I describe the mostly females there, because problematic as at least a couple of them appeared and behaved, they were here to explore taking in children from troubled situations.... A lot of kids need homes. However, later, when the director said, you will get to know each other so well in this course. And you'll be smart to keep in touch because you will help each other babysit.... In my head I screamed, NO. WAY!!

One thing was clear to us, though, discussing all the way home. If - and that's an if - we were to do this, it would be to adopt, not to become a foster home. Also, a boy younger than Belac is our preference. Clarification, it doesn't matter that hubby is not a US Citizen, his green card is enough. The other incredible thing? If you adopt a foster child in NY, the child can go to any NY college for free. My jaw fell to the ground. That's a very big deal and I was truly touched. If you are poor or your environment lacks security, your most realistic ticket out of this is college. At least you'll have more options. Only in NY do they offer free college to adopted foster kids. That is NY for you, a state unto itself in so many ways. Incredible.

*Actually what I wrote earlier is not true. I have since read that Massachusetts and Maryland provide the same or similar tuition waivers for adopted foster kids in their states.

Another full day today. More later.

tables turned

Why did you push him...? Because he was bothering me.

Why...? Because he was in my face! He keeps bothering me!! (I remember this kid and I remember that about him.)

Do you like him? No, because he likes babyish stuff.

What do you mean? He is in 6th grade and likes to count everything.

Oh, ok. Does he have special needs?  What...? What is special needs?

Does he have a helper? Yes, he said, Mom, he has AUTISM.

Mm hm. Well, this has suddenly taken an interesting turn.

How do you know?  Ethan told me. Other kids told me.

Mm hm.

Do you remember you used to have a helper? Mom, I don't want to talk about this right now!

We have to, you pushed someone. Do you remember why you had a helper? Uh... um.... because I had trouble concentrating....

Yes. And because you also didn't always behave properly. Remember you hid in the library once? And tried to run away from school...? Mom! I don't want to talk about this!

And you used to talk about Cars 2 all of the time. All of the time! If someone pushed you away every time you talked about that movie, you might have had a lot of bruises! MOM!! I don't want to talk about this in front of Jake!!

But eventually you stopped on your own.... Jake, go find something else to do.

Belac, there was a time when maybe you got on people's nerves - But I don't anymore, right?

Well, we all get on each others nerves sometimes. But especially when you were younger, you had to learn how to behave and to be honest, you might have been bothering your friends with your behavior.... But I'm not anymore, right?

Right, most of the time you aren't bothering them now. Your friends and people at school have been very, very kind to you. And because of that, it made it easier for you to learn how to be a good friend. You MUST be kind to this boy, Belac! Be a helper. Be patient and use your words. If he doesn't listen, ask his helper or any adult to help you. BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO USING YOUR HANDS, GOT IT?

I got it Mom! Now can we please stop talking about this?

For now. But if this happens again, we're talking about it.

101

I received an email over break and a phone call, yesterday. A request to read something before today's meeting. And then a straight out question before I hung up. If we separated this growing organization in two, would you assume a leadership role in the new entity? Silence. Don't worry, we will be right with you every step of the way.... I just didn't have a clear response. Okay, well, I am just giving you a heads up about what we're discussing in tomorrow's meeting... Of all the newbies in Northern Westchester, you're the only one who shows up to everything and has ideas, so you're going to be asked. Think about it, okay?

I recognize that I have been more or less obsessed with child development and all things special needsy for at least 101 months (just counted). I'm not surprised it shows. I read a lot. And as soon as I find out you are a teacher or a doctor or a parent or someone who lives in a certain district or has a kid in a certain program or school or is trying something new to help their kid or is eating something special or is consulting with someone about the law or trying to limit technology usage at home.... well, I'm curious. I have questions. And hubby knows that I can't go anywhere without his pulling me away from another conversation or another of my interrogations. It's like an itch I need to scratch, I just want to know how people are helping their kids, what's working, what's not.

I know there is a role for me. I know I am valuable. I am enthusiastic and committed. I think people in the group generally respect my opinions because I am sufficiently knowledgeable, enough at least to hold my own among the professionals there. But to take a leadership position? Not sure. I always want everyone to be happy and satisfied to the degree that I suffer, when not everyone is. I'm a good listener, but am very opinionated, myself. And I don't do well with confrontation. And when I want to cry, I cry. I can't help it, I'm emotional. I know myself. Align me with a good leader and I will be the best cheerleader there is.

getting there

Oy. Jake's math teacher. Maybe he's okay as a teacher, but personally I think he's a putz. He just doesn't get it. He goes on and on. I had to keep interjecting and boiling it down for Jake. I had to keep saying to the teacher, okay if he doesn't focus well, but let's focus on what he CAN do to compensate. This was not the meeting I envisioned where there would be more input from Jake. He should not be sitting here so iron-faced. This was going down more like a lecture and that he was in trouble.

On my way out, I spoke to Jake quietly. Look, I can see how he is intimidating and totally unapproachable, but he gave you good observations. Let's focus on that. Write everything down! Get everything in. If you miss something in class, find yourself confused or forget a homework assignment, and that happens to the best of us, you go right to him at activity period and get it done before you come home or at least start your homework there. Okay, he nodded. You're smart, you can do this and  figure it out, do not shy away from this! Put in the effort.  Look what happened when you faced up to all that overwhelming bar mitzvah stuff. Remember what a mess you once were? Once you faced up to it and painstakingly suffered over getting it all in shape, look what happened. You know it all cold! And it's beautiful!!! Thanks, mom, he told me quietly in the bustling hallway, as I just looked at him knowingly, smiled and made an almost undetectable air kiss his way.

Earlier, as we were waiting to meet the teacher, I saw him looking at the 7th grade honor roll hanging in the hall. On the one hand, I felt bad for him. Honor roll probably felt a million miles away. On the other hand, I know it's important to not shield him. It's a fact. There is an honor roll and if he wants to be on it, he has to work for it. There was even a list of High Honors kids. I wonder what you have to do to get on that list, I remarked. I have no idea, Jake told me.

Now at home, I feel bad about not asking at the meeting. What do you need from Mr. Math Teacher? What do you need from me? Though he's young and probably doesn't even know, much less how to ask.

Over break I heard a piece on NPR about writing your own narrative and figuring things out. I thought about this blog and realized what I've essentially been doing here. I've put Jake to task. 15 minutes a day, for 4 days, he should write about his goals. What they are, how he plans to reach them, why he wants them, what's not going right, what to do, how he feels when things do go well.... if it is successful, it will morph into other subjects but for now, just 4 days on the subject and for his eyes only. He needs to know himself in a way I believe writing will help him and I just know he can figure it out if he puts his mind to it.

Pushing him to put his mind to it.

Monday morn

Ten minutes of hanging with hubby in the bright kitchen. He made me coffee, just the way I like it as I looked out at the fog in amazement. This weird weather.

Now 6:44 and the music is blaring all over the house and lights are on. About to heat up breakfast and lunch. We are all going to school together. Jake and I are going to sit down with his math teacher at 7:45 this morning to talk about how to struggle less in math. It's the one thing we haven't tried, yet. All of us - teacher, student, parent -  sitting down and devising a plan together.

It's Monday morning!!

getting ahead

So, Gimky, what is your position on Obamacare? I looked up from my dinner to hubby of childhood friend, a medical doctor. Ugh! Really? I'm not being confrontational, he explained sensing my unease, it's just that you've never expressed any opinion about it....

We had just arrived through their double car garage, piled high with stuff. You'd never know I spent a day, last summer, emptying its contents into a dumpster with my friend as her hubby snuck out in silent embarrassment. Like they do, everyday, we entered the house through the basement. It was absolute mayhem, again, filled to the brim with I don't know what. Their beautiful porcelain tile and new carpet, completely hidden by astonishing mess. We climbed stairs and emerged into the kitchen, also totally dark. What was going on?  Hi! said the middle one, smiling and happy to see us. He was studying for a chinese test at the kitchen island. My mom is at the store with Aud getting food, he announced. I plopped down next to him and read aloud from his workbook. Can you understand me at all? I asked, making him laugh. Wow, this is advanced stuff! I told him. Hubby flicked on some lights, it's good to see you! he exclaimed. And then it took almost 10 minutes for friend's hubby to come downstairs.... What was going on?

Years ago, they had only one functional bathroom in the house for like a year because they were  fighting about the others that were already bare and stripped down to nothing. And it was in that year, that her parents began staying at a hotel when they came out to visit. My friend felt terrible about it, but the parents preferred to not be 7 people sharing one toilet and didn't want to displace a kid from their room. Now over three or four hundred thousand dollars and years later, they have redone the kitchen, replaced and raised the roof of the house, put in copper everything, changed all the windows, redid carpentry, added literally tons of real stone masonry. But the house is just as big a mess as it ever was and where's the guest room? Well, they haven't gotten there yet. So far, the money has been spent on everything cosmetic and it's still not done. It's also during this time, that her mother came down with lung cancer and survived it, and the parents moved to California to be closer to her younger brother's family. Why were they so surprised? Their home continues to be dysfunctional and in a way that no more throwing money at it can fix.

Our discussion about affordable health care disintegrated any calm. She especially could not wrap her head around the fact that we vote against our own pocketbook. In a moment of frustration I let loose, you're totally talking to the wrong people! You know I want to take in foster kids...? Silence. What do you think should happen to those without health insurance?? She had no answer. Have they spent every dime they earned? I wondered. Is she not earning enough to recoup what they've spent? And come to think of it, why was every light off when we arrived? He was studying in the dark. And was it me, or did dinner seem sort of... small, tonight?

I wanted to shake her. Forget about getting ahead, I wanted to say, you're ahead! But if that's what you really want, I'll tell you how to do it. Never mind Obamacare, let's turn our attention to the real emergency. First, reign in your expenses (and stop filling your house and adorning yourselves with useless crap.) Second, get your priorities straight before the kids grow up and fly the coup. They are treasures, the best things in her life, and their time together is limited. Just those two things and I promise her life will immediately improve in both qualitative and quantitative ways.

sunny patch

Late to services this morning. I ran ahead trailing 3 boys and hubby who was just emerging from a shower. Guided everyone into the 2nd row as they arrived and as usual, had my violin and played along to the service. I noticed Jake was standing taller and was asked to pass out some sheets. Belac endured the two hours without complaint. When asked, the boys went up and opened the doors to the scrolls and marched around the synagogue behind them. They helped themselves easily to food at the kiddush and poured themselves the coveted diet caffeine-free coke they're only allowed to drink there. Belac brought me some extra cucumbers he knew I wanted.... We've been going regularly in prep of the bar mitzvah and it shows in how routine it all is for us. On our way out, Belac recited what he knew of the Ashrei to the Cantor, much to her awe and surprise. He did it all during break. It takes going to develop these relationships and this kind of understanding, and lately it's become clear this is our community...

So what's happening now? Jake studying. He has exams next week. Hubby putting together a photo/video montage for the bar mitzvah. And Belac, you ask? Yet another kid called and asked Belac to play. The kid is now here and I'm listening in on their conversation. It's incredible what kind of social life Belac has. Kids call him! Wait, why does Belac get to play and have another playdate?! Jake asked incredulously. He doesn't have homework, I explained, and you do. And because it's much better for him to interact with other kids his age than be by himself, I didn't say but wondered if I should or could at this point.

I'm relieved that neither of my boys can be mistaken for being isolated. They have overlapping home-school-synagogue communities and a few true blue friends in this - what I'd describe to be - generally artsy, liberal minded neighborhood. I like that people come and go and know that our door is always open. Sure, it has benefitted Belac in huge, huge ways. But living in a walking town is the single most important decision we ever made for all of us.

Movie night

Hubby and 4 boys sitting in front of the fire and intermittently roasting marshmallows. I am so happy for both my kids, who each have a friend here. Ethan has been here probably a hundred times, and usually all 3 have slept in Belac's room. However, today, Jake has his own friend here. The first kid his own age from school, who stayed all afternoon through dinner, and is now sleeping over. They are having a blast and I just know this is a very good thing for Jake.

I was never allowed to sleep over anywhere growing up, and others almost never came home with me. The kids I saw most were Alyssa - now in CT,  Mir - my cellist friend I played music with and now in Boston, and Sarah - my very best friend once upon a time, who I've sort of lost touch with. She suffers from anxiety and other woes and I have to catch her at just the right moment.... Is it really so bad I didn't ever see any of them in my down time? Maybe not. I was a social creature anyway and frankly, I was more than happy not to bring anyone home.

But in terms of my own kids. They need friends and people to feel safe and content with. They are definitely boys and need the social organizing help from me. And I want their friends knowing they can always come here. Always. And Ethan does, knowing that his mom - a single parent of him and his autistic sister - is my good friend and more than fine with it. We love him and he is here all of the time.

Next week, hubby and I attend an orientation for prospective foster/adoptive parents. Will we come away scared? excited? wondering, what the hell were we thinking? The little boy's name is Jeremiah. A photo and 8 sentences and he's stuck in my head. And, well, there's a 13 year old Chinese boy, too.

friends

Our neighbor called Belac asking to play. Another kid texted asking him to sleep over. The invitations never cease to surprise me. Our neighbor arrived and they organized themselves with Jake jumping in. Jake, I suggested, how about calling Jared and see if he can come? We have a steady core of kids Belac's age over all of the time and they always all play together, no problem, but this was looking like threes a crowd. It never occurs to Jake that sometimes it would be nice or better to be with kids his own age.

Do you want my mom to pick you up? I heard Jake ask. Mom, he tells me, he'll be over in 30 minutes. Great! He really likes being with this kid. Aren't you glad you called? Just go clean off the ping pong table, okay? Because you guys usually end up down there....

Of course it's important to me that the kids read and did their homework this morning. And picked up after themselves. I wouldn't let the kids indulge in these kinds of play dates otherwise. But I am like the anti-Westchester mom. When it comes down to it, it's just as - or maybe even more - important to me that the boys develop good friendships and amuse themselves creatively.

We're lucky on so many fronts.

snow, snow, snow

Woke up to this:

and this:

Hubby up at his usual 5:45am to exercise and begin work from home at 8.  Kids laid in bed until 9 and made their own breakfasts on their own time. Now with the promise of a fire and play in the afternoon, we are onto everything that needs to get done. The usual studying, reading, practicing, organizing... but with the luxury of time on our side. Thank you, Mother Nature.

Hooray!

first day back

Was it ever hard to get up this morning from my toasty bed. 6am turned into 6:15 into 6:20, then 6:35 before I could will myself up. Down I went, shivering in the cold. I had an almost empty fridge and none of the usual stuff for lunches so I had made rice, last night, and defrosted some boneless chicken. Added frozen peas, a couple of eggs, all fried up in olive oil and that was breakfast and lunch for all, with some chocolate coins, clementines, all left over from the drive, and water thrown into their packs.

The storm is coming. I would love to cancel my piano lessons later, have Hebrew school close and a snow day tomorrow. I just want a day at home of nowhere to be. Who is the kid here?

I walked with Belac and the dog to school. Mom, I'm so tired! he exclaimed. I know, me too! We ran into a few people we knew and said hello. Do you want to walk the rest of the way by yourself? I asked him, remembering he had been asking about it in previous weeks. I just kind of want to walk with you, he told me as he dragged his heels. No problem, I told him as I kissed the top of his head, put my arm around him and nudged him along.

We have a good life.

Jake's choice

Home after the trek up north, land of  -10 degree weather and huge snow drifts.... We arrived there to find that Jake's winter jacket no longer fit and was too tight and uncomfortable. Did not realize. You see, in Sunny Patch, the teens wear hoodies and shorts to school, even in freezing winter. The compromise I had made with Jake was agreeing he had to wear this heavy, fleece lined hoodie we chose together. Of course, no shorts! But it was not going to cut it in Canada and he had to borrow an old jacket.

Now home and there is a winter storm coming. He'll borrow hubby's jacket for now but sill needed to shop on Amazon. I have learned to pick and choose my battles. The jacket he chose is not the warmest but he can wear his fleece under it. The style suits him and he read all the comments to verify a probable good fit. Important thing is he wears another layer and he wasn't complaining. 15 minutes and 40 some bucks later (and Amazon Prime delivery!) I am one happy mom.

All things considered, I think he made a good choice.