ashrei

Every morning or in various times of the day, Belac stresses out about a line in the ashrei and wants to look it up. He is learning this prayer and reciting it at Jake's bar mitzvah in less than 6 weeks. It's tradition that the younger sibling of the bar or bat mitzvah sibling lead this prayer in the rabbi's stead. Well, our rabbi has been on sabbatical and out of the loop. The tutor hadn't brought this up. Because he wasn't sure Belac could do it? Anyway, no one had been paying attention and a few days ago, hubby and I looked over the 2 pages ourselves. Oh my God, it's so long! I exclaimed, can he really do it?  Of course! hubby told me.

Jake has been studying his havtorah 2 hours a day this break in trying to get it fluid. It is very long and he still has hard work ahead of him. Thank goodness for vacation. Belac's Hebrew reading skills, hubby pointed out after sitting down with him the first time, are not strong. So what has Belac been doing? Compensating. Simply memorizing everything by rote, his choice, despite hubby trying to get Belac to read. It's an unbelievably hard way of going about things, but he's doing it. And more surprising to me that he came to me when I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet, this morning, to study the ashrei. He sang the lines he knew and learned and struggled through the next new lines. He wants to do this for Jake the way his buddies Josh and Ethan both did it for their older siblings. Oh my God! Belac mutters as he studies. I told Belac he could ask his buddies to go up with him on Jake's day if he needed. It would be beautiful either way and yet he pushes himself hard, either way. His motivations run deep.

Meanwhile, found Jake playing on a device when we woke up, who wanted to study "later." We have now changed all the passwords. He is more drawn to playing with his cousins and leading them in games. An important motivation, too, in the big scheme of things. If only each boy could give each other a little of their own strengths.

It's a hard lesson we all have to learn. We are each in control of our destiny. No one else is responsible for what happened to my body this year. No one else can run for me. 2.5 everyday!

we ski

After years of skiing one afternoon a year for years and not getting anywhere fast, the boys were amazing today. Up and down the bunny hill they went. Jake did well enough right away that he went up the chair lift with an instructor. Belac, to my astonishment, was up and down the bunny hill himself, making turns around cones and snow plowing. He described the time as 'so awesome.' How did this happen? Of course they'd like me to believe that it was all that time on wii-ski. I don't know how it suddenly clicked! But for two hours I stood at the bottom of the hill, happily watching and freezing my butt off.

everyday

Coffee. Then 2.6 on the treadmill followed by breakfast. Good to get it out of the way early.

It's different this winter. The boys make their own breakfasts and can bundle themselves up to play in the snow. They are good at amusing themselves and playing with their cousins, and need less constant supervision. We are also sleeping in the quietest corner of the house.  It really feels like a vacation in this dramatic winter wonderland.

Only thing is I'm really upset about my weight. Hubby and I snuck up to his parents' sauna after an afternoon in the snow. I hopped on their scale for kicks, first time in months. I knew it would be bad but didn't realize it was that bad. Last time I saw that number I was pregnant.

2.5 miles tomorrow. Every day.

6 weeks

Got on the treadmill before breakfast and ran 2.6 miles. 30 minutes a day is a totally manageable goal. If I'm tired I can walk, but I have to get on that thing everyday. Dismayed by my waistline and how my clothes are fitting. I'm usually pretty good about my eating but trying to fatten Belac up this year has really done a number on me. A taste here, a cookie with him there, snacks everywhere and simply not serving myself smaller portions of this now calorie dense, high fat food I always put on the table. And then I fell off the bandwagon with exercise....

Day one of picking up my sorry lethargic butt. Everyday until Jake's bar mitzvah in 6 weeks.

Treasures

Arrived at Soo's. Another woman and I looked at each other trying to place ourselves. OMG! I exclaimed, I know you from the town pool, the kids' nursery school! We hadn't seen each other in years. We hugged and caught up. We had been very friendly and bumped into each other regularly. Had we remained in the area, we would have definitely become close.And here she was, one of Soo's closest friends! I loved it. Later on I proclaimed, and remember? we both knew each other from Sandy! She looked at me. Do you still see her? I love that woman!! She looked at Sue. Gimky, she told me, Sandy died earlier this year...  What???? I slapped my head. What??? 46 years old, I read the obit aloud to hubby as we drove north.

And then we got an email from Pops. The dog, who was discovered to have cancer 3 weeks ago, and cried 2 nights in a row and could barely walk.... They put him down at 5pm. By the time we arrived, 5 hours later, hubby's mom greeted us crying. Pops was okay but not much better. That dog never complained about anything! he told me, these past 2 nights were hard....

Mom, remember Regina? Belac asked me as we snacked in the kitchen. Yes, I replied. Remember she came to our house? Yes, I told him, not able to say more.

Treasure each day.

sign off

Packing. And the bags are piling up on the dining room table. A candy-colored assortment of I heart NY shirts for the dozen or so cousins and a soda stream for my in-laws. Ice skates, snow pants, extra snow stuff. A blanket and pillow for each kid for the ride. Dog food. Dramamine. Plastic bags and towels in case someone gets sick. Water and extra snacks in case we get stuck. Passports. Cash and Canadian dough. Everything packed as compactly as possible, the cars in this household have only gotten smaller.

There's now internet at Happytat, so this is not the usual sign off. I might write a little during the trip. However, this is definitely my last quiet moment before entering the chaos of many loud persons under one roof....

Wishing everyone peace and happiness for the new year. Hoping that we all make the effort to reach out to people who need us. That we spend our time and money wisely, in ways we can be proud of. That we give our best effort and treat others with kindness, even if it's hard. And another thing: Gun control. Please, please, please. Once and for all, let's take a step towards fixing this horrible situation in the USA.

happy everyday

This is not our holiday, but it's also the first time we've been home for it in our 13 years as a family. No big plans. No seeing anyone else. And what kind of day have we had? We watched 2 movies by the fire, last night. Brooklyn Castle and then Jake's request, a Life documentary on the South Pacific... I was pretty surprised, by the way, at how engaged he was over this and how much he already knew about the animals.

We woke up late and had breakfast together. Hubby made me coffee just how I like it. Jake made Hanukkah geld and marshmallow pancakes. Belac made himself 2 slices of toast with nutella and ate half an avocado in addition. Impressive! Do you think I'm having my growth spurt now? he asked. Yes, definitely! I told him without hesitation. I've learned that responding immediately with confidence helps stave off a day-into-night kind of perseveration on his weight. Especially if you keep eating like this for the next weeks, I added, we need to wake up your bones!

I wonder how my mom's doing, today. In this era of Facebook, she has to have seen the photos of my 3 nieces in front of a Christmas tree and everyone else's pictures. If FB existed back then, would our family life have been different? Maybe she would have snapped some photos occasionally and shared and gotten some thumbs up? Behavior begets feelings?  Sometimes I wonder if she has any regrets or even remembers how it once was. Or if her constant medical issues conveniently prevent her from appropriately staring her life down or taking responsibility for her actions. I feel sorry for her. More and more, I see her as a child I need be kind to and just love.

I think the holidays can be really hard for some people. There's pressure to be happy or more happy than usual, to spend materially and for the day or season to be something uberspecial. I'm not saying you can't indulge. I mean, sure, it's nice my friend's hubby bought her a ring from Tiffany filled with sparkly rocks for Mother's day, but then it's hard for me to think it's not compensating for something. Their relationship is a bit of a wreck.... And I'm sure the kids of our friends love the thousands of dollars contraption they just bought. Hopefully it will bring joy and entertainment for years to come, but really? I hope their credit is paid off and money first went to the kids' college fund.

I really want it burned into my kids' brain somehow. Luxurious material things provide only temporary thrill or relief of certain void and pain.  I think people often forget that time together, a few thoughtful words, a thank you, even an apology go a long, long way. Spend and accumulate thoughtfully, boys! And that is an order from your mother.

Never mind Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Happy X-Mas, Happy Kwanza or Thanksgivukkah.... Happy Everyday.

Christmas time

Waiting on Jake and hubby to get back from his Bar Mitzvah tutoring.

We were supposed to go to Alyssa's, yesterday. Our families hadn't seen each other in weeks and had been looking forward to this. A few hours before heading over there, she called. She wasn't feeling well.... as we talked a little more, I found out that the youngest had had a 103 degree fever the previous day. (We definitely weren't going, I didn't say.) And then with a little more chit chat, I found out her husband wasn't speaking to her. (Again?)  But why...? I asked. He's a jackass! she told me, fuming but elaborating little. She threatened to nap and then stay out until midnight. I tried to stay on neutral ground and told her to sleep and then call me before she did anything stupid. I love this girl I grew up with. I love her hubby. I loooove their kids. But it's been up and down and generally not good between them for years, in ways increasingly difficult to hide. Her kids are growing up and distancing themselves in the way preteens do, but now her daughter wants to go to boarding school?

I don't know if divorce is the answer. I don't know if counseling will help. Though I have seen their good moments over the years, I have come to recognize that their troubles run deep. You know what she told me? That almost 100% of their friends are either divorced or divorcing. That is really sad when you think about it. They are living in this world with freaking wealth, the best and most expensive private schools, the highest paying most powerful jobs, access to everything and all the help they need, anything they want... and most everyone they associate with in that particular world is losing their marriage? Marriage is hard, don't get me wrong. But these extremes I find unsettling.

They're home! Off to the city to see the tree!

tous les jours

Lunch at HMart and a little meal shopping for the next day. Soon off to the city with the fam to walk around and have dinner. We would have left for Canada by now, but I had promised Soo our families would have lunch together, day after Christmas. She confirmed it several times with me and there was no way we couldn't go.

Her family is in from Australia and have never been to the States. She stopped going home several years ago, when it became impossible to travel with Brian. Her siblings and their children would be there. Also her mom, frail and elderly, who was going to have to realize for the first time that the youngest is autistic. He was always small and cute enough in those early years to pass as simply being young. And to protect her mom who would otherwise stay up nights worrying or insist on some hocus pocus cure, she said nothing. Now Brian is as tall as me. He has very few words, cannot read or write or converse. With medication he is no longer violently slapping himself or kicking the walls and very quiet. Almost sleepy. How would this unfold...?

I took a picture of a swirly, poofy blueberry cream cake at HMart. The sight of it made me laugh. What was the Santa doing, I had no idea, but I thought it was beautiful! A perfect, not quite over the top, Asiany, wacky kind of thing for our lunch. I know you wanted a fruit pie, I texted, but this does have blueberries and looks special. How about this?

Love it! she replied.

Okay, that's what I'm bringing! See you, I wrote, xx.

new wheels

We went to yet another Subaru dealership, today. The place where both Flower's dad and Dot purchased/leased their Subarus. What a different experience from our local place. We negotiated and went back and forth on the one Impreza on the lot that fulfilled our criteria. This sales guy was so much easier to deal with than the other and knew everything about this car, cold. It was quick and productive.

We ended up getting a good enough deal trading in the Honda Accord for the new Impreza hatchback. This car is really great value for money. It's the most fuel-efficient 4WD on American roads, today, with a few bells and whistles in this trim like fog lights, blue tooth, and a moon roof! And it's a top safety pick, to boot. Like the Toyota, we hope to drive it to the ground. And just in time for us to head up to icy and stormy conditions in Canada. Tomorrow, hubby picks up the new car and I go back to driving the RAV4. Soon, we will both be driving AWD vehicles. Great news!

1st day of vacation

Hubby home early to find 7 kids hanging about the kitchen island, eating snacks and playing GHOST. He didn't blink an eyelash. Flower and her brother now playing ping pong with my boys downstairs in doubles and I hear screaming and laughing. Another 3 kids upstairs making a tower with wood planks, yelling and bossing each other around as they try to build something to the ceiling.

Not suggesting that hubby and I be a family of NINE, but this home shines with more people. I'm just glad they come when they can, want and need. Love it.

giving thanks

Belac

Mom! You're not going to help me? he asked in a panic as he peered into a bag filled with envelopes.

You can do it, Belac! I assured him.

But Mom! I can't do it by myself! he insisted.

I took out an envelope. OHHHH! Belac!!! I gushed, Thank you sooooo much!!!

He looked at me, surprised, and I laughed.

What do you say....?  Yeah! I acted out, shrugging and not looking. Or, You're Welcome! I said in an exaggeratedly happy way, or, Thank you for being my teacher! Or...

Okay, Mom, I get it, Belac said, you don't have to do that.

You're a big kid, now, I told him, I know you can do this and you're going to make your teachers so happy. You're like Santa Claus, today!

Jake had headed off to school, already, 45 minutes earlier with his own bag. However, every person the boys shared, I deliberately gave to Belac. He needs more practice. So off Belac went. He had 3 envelopes in his hand for the 3 crossing guards and a bag with a dozen goodies in the other. I instructed him to give to the hall monitor as soon as he stepped into the building and then head right to the nurse's office. Would he remember that...? Just in case:

Dear Mrs. Prego, 

Good Morning!

Belac forgot his cellphone and I know he will probably get stuck on it. If he brings it up, could you let him know I will bring it to school, when I'm at the teacher's lunch? Thanks.

Also, he went with a whole bag of cards for his teachers. He was nervous about this for some reason, but we talked about how to distribute them and what to say. He's supposed to go to the nurse's office first thing. Would you mind just checking at the end of the day that the bag is empty?

Thank you so much!

Gimky

lights

Beautiful concert. I was teary during the first piece, a song about holiday lights. 143 kids on stage including Belac and his closest friends Izzy, Ean, Josh, Ethan...  Belac was in the very front row and on the very end.  You know what? I realized. Despite being in that position, Belac really wasn't the shortest one, like he'd been telling me all along. Of course, the kids in the front row were the shortest of the class, but he was at the very end for good reason. There were teachers sitting on the sidelines, there to help in case of any issue. And though he is doing well and not with a shared aide, this year, they smartly assigned him that place for just in case.

The singing was so heartfelt and enthusiastic, still innocent. I loved that Belac was part of this performance, even having entered chorus late, his choice. I will never forget the feeling of sitting in the 2nd row, looking out at Belac and his friends, hearing their beautiful voices.

holiday gifts

I spent several hours ringing up books at the Middle School Book Fair. And I just had PT conferences, where I put a face to each of the kids' teachers names, got the scoop and thanked them. This morning, I was at the school by 7:45 and helped set up, chaperone the kids to and from the highschool, tune instruments and accompany the orchestra. Tonight, I accompany their concert. Tomorrow I spend several hours serving lunch to the Middle School teachers for Teacher Appreciation Day.... I volunteer a lot. In part because it's the only way I can see for myself what's going on within those walls but also, I do really enjoy the contact with the teachers and the kids. Basically, I can see for myself that it's a very good public school. Why shouldn't I take in a foster kid or two and give them that opportunity?

Now I've written each teacher a nice note in a card and included the following:

Belac:

ELA teacher and Aide in the class: $25 gift certificates to the local bookstore

Homeroom, Speech, Psychologist, P.E., Orchestra, Chorus, Lunch lady, Hall Monitor, Nurse, Nurse's aide: $10 Starbucks cards

Jake:

Science, English, Social Studies, French, Math, P.E., Study Skills, Sign Out, Band: $10 Starbucks cards

3 crossing guards: $10 Starbucks cards

TOTAL: $270

After not being able to get up the drive again and then being warned by hubby to not even park half way up the drive for fear the car would slip down by itself into the road and then not finding any parking within easy walking distance of the house and then not being able to get onto the cul de sac nearby because I couldn't get by a parked postal truck, I drove straight to our local Subaru and test drove an Impreza. If hubby agrees, I'm sold. 

the drive

It's another snow day. The roads don't look that bad and not all the schools are closed in our area, but I'm afraid to venture out in the Honda. Yesterday, I tried a half dozen times to get the car up our drive, each time skidding backwards and without being able to stop through the sidewalk and into our double-yellow laned street. Yesterday our fuel contractor could not get up our drive, though the RAV did without problem. Today the plumber could not get up our drive, but the RAV performed again, without problem. The driveway is just too steep too soon for any vehicle without 4 wheel drive to manage....

Today I cancelled the kids' after school activities. The driveway is icy despite plowing, salting and sanding. I just can't get it dry enough during the day before everything freezes at night. And now what have I been researching online for the past hour? 4WD cars. The Subaru Impreza hatchback to be exact. It gets good gas mileage (27/36) and is small enough to fit in the garage.

Gimky, we aren't getting a new car!

Yes we are!

We aren't, that's ridiculous! We haven't had enough problems to warrant the expense. Let me take the Honda, then!

No way! Look at this snow! You'll never get it back up if you don't hit something on the way down and you're driving to CT! Take it. But obviously with the Honda, I'm not leaving the house. I'm cancelling the kids' activities.

He could not argue.

For the first time in weeks, I didn't look at foster children online. Today, I looked at cars. The absurdity!!

Does race matter?

Bailey and Olivia

I uncharacteristically stared at this young brown guy, ringing up my purchases. How would I feel about this grown up kid being my son? He didn't give me a second glance. How would he feel about someone like me as his mom? Here we were in a crowd of shoppers. I'm pretty sure there was no other Asian or African-American among us. Aren't we in the same boat? Sort of...? I know blacks and whites have had a difficult history, unparalleled by anything between Asians and whites. But we also haven't elected an Asian President and there are few Asians in leadership roles, probably much fewer than African Americans in those positions, right....? Aren't we more similar than we appear?

I can really overthink matters and analyze too much, and with that tendency you run the risk of becoming paralyzed. Thinking carefully is a good thing but after a certain point, I think you have to go with your heart.

This morning I taught my nursery school class. Antonia was there with a big purple bow in her Afro. She is a happy kid who sings from the heart and is seemingly unaware that she appears different from all the others. She is comfortable and happy and this church community loves her and her family.  Does she know she's adopted? What does she know? What does it matter? It's the sweetest place. One day, the teachers thought to say a prayer for Belac and I was so touched, I brushed away tears. They know I'm not of their faith but they showed me they were thinking about my son and hoping the best for him....

Is it too naive to think everything will ultimately be okay with love, family and community?

step 1

I had a conversation with someone at the Department of Social Services this morning. And then a prequalifying phone interview with the United Way. Hubby and I are now signed up for an Orientation in January. If we then want to continue with the process, there is a necessary 30 hour training over the course of 8-10 weeks. I was not allowed any additional information about the little boy online until we've been through the hoops. I can appreciate that.

Of course, we worry about the very real pitfalls of fostering and adopting. But the idea of a third son and another brother for the boys and sharing what we have with a child who needs a family remains compelling. Where we were, where we are now, and what we've learned so far from raising our own 2 boys - and the fact that I can't have any more kids - seems to have oriented us in this direction. We'll see how this unfolds and if we're not scared away in the next months.

boy

On and off, I've talked to hubby about taking in foster children or adopting. Hosting an exchange student. Getting another dog. Finding more full-time work. Or starting a business.... These regular conversations have come and gone, but they always come back in some shape or form. Recently, I saw a photo of the most beautiful 8-year-old smile and my heart melted. He is the middle child of 3 boys, looking for a permanent home.

I didn't show my boys this particular profile, but we've been talking, again, about it. Belac has always wanted a younger brother and offered his bottom bunk. Jake understands that hubby and I always envisioned a bigger family but that I am no longer able to produce my own. And now we have this big house with good schools and we are all doing okay, and there is this prevailing feeling of wanting to share and provide a home and family for someone who doesn't have.... Dasani in the NYTimes and the tens of thousands like her in NY alone are just 20 miles away. We're neighbors.

Jake's concerned about relating to a new child as a real brother. He wants the kid to be nice. I understand that. Hubby welcomes the idea but worries about providing for a third and would a brown kid ever feel like he was one of us? We happen to live in one of the whitest suburbs of Westchester. I'm not exactly white, either, I reminded him, but admittedly not brown either. And given his broken family background that lead to his foster care and the separation of 3 siblings, what about any propensity towards violence? Can we gauge that? I understand the worry. I understand this child already has a family and we will never replace them. I know there are so many unknowns. Yet I also sort of don't worry too much.

We just have to love and help him, I suggested to hubby, the rest we can figure out over time. I don't know why, but I was sort of fighting back tears. How could I want this so badly? Well, let's just call and talk to some people okay? hubby suggested. I noticed he wasn't saying no. Hubby is the most generous person ever.

wedding prep

I am one of several bridesmaids for my sister's wedding. The color is navy and everyone is shopping for dresses and sharing pictures from afar. Here's what I bought from Nordstroms after trying on a dozen dresses. I was relieved that in a painless 90 minutes, I had purchased a reasonably priced outfit I like.

Well, I need to start running again and stop eating Belac's food. I also need to wear a better undergarment to fix my boobs and suck my big stomach in. But at 129 bucks, I thought this was a great find.

Sparkly silver shoes at $55. Pretty comfortable for heels!

Happy for my sister who will be married for the first time at age 45! It's pretty weird to see her behaving like a giddy girl, especially since her two younger sisters are well past that stage. I can barely wrap my head around it as I've never seen her this way. Ever. I'm glad to see her so happy and I really wish her and my soon to be BIL a good and healthy life together.

safer choice

Jake and Belac, enroute

Why did I ever let them go that way? Deep down, I knew there was something not right about Belac, in particular, walking on the cul-de-sac by himself. The recent accident was a scary wake up call for us. Here the boys are, on their way to the middle school via their old route to the elementary school. By simply taking the sidewalk at the foot of our drive, the boys no longer share a road with cars. By 7:25 this AM, they were out the door. I caught a brief glimpse of my treasures from a window. A good, new routine.

Listen Bro...

Glitch in Mii Plaza

by Belac Snowflake

There was a kid named Jimmy who liked the wii. In Mii Plaza, there was a glitch. All the Miis tried to set up for Havdalah.

“I’ll go to the wii shopping place to see if I can find a braided candle.” Eyeballz said to Mark. “Okay.” Mark replied, “but the exit is way up on the top. Want a lift?” “You bet!” Eyeballz replied, as Mark lifted him up to the top.

 “Hey!” a voice called, “where ya goin?” PJ14 replied,“Wii Shopping.” “Are ya insane?” PJ14 asked, “Wii Shopping is only for game apps.” “No its not,” Eyeballz argued, “I found a basketball there and see? Look!” He said as he showed his basketball. “That’s just an old toy that Jimmy gave you since you were a baby.”PJ14 shrugged. “No, look” Eyeballz rotated the ball and it said “FROM WII SHOPPING” “Okay, I now believe you.”

PJ14 said “Now lets go find that braided candle!” said, Eyeballz, “I got the shopping list.” PJ14 commanded, “Okay now! Hurry up!” Eyeballz pointed out, “First I need to get up there.” PJ14 said. “Mark!” Eyeballz shouted. “Give PJ14 a lift!” “Hey, I’m not into a lift. I can just climb up there my…” Mark threw PJ14 at the door. “Wwwwaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!” PJ14 screamed as he flew to the door. “Good luck, boys!” Mark replied “See ya, Mark.” The door began to close. Eyeballz and PJ14 were falling to the homepage. The shopping list was slowly falling into PJ14s face.

“There’s Wii Shopping.” Eyeballz said. Eyeballz and PJ14 were climbing on the halls. “Okay. What’s first on our list?” Eyeballz replied. “The Braided Candle.” PJ14 Said. Eyeballz saw it on the top of the shelf and climbed for it. He fell right when he touched it. As he fell, lots of groceries were falling on top of him and down came the braided candle. “I’m okay.” He said as he put his kippa on himself. “What’s next on our list?” Eyeballz asked.

“Three bottles of Diet Coke for Havdallah.” PJ14 said, “and some milk for the babies.” “There are no babies in our mii plaza.” Eyeballz said. “Do you see any?” “Listen Bro,” PJ14 said “Vivian is havin’ two new babies.” “When?” Eyeballz asked. “Somewhere around tomorrow.” PJ14 said. “What’s next on the list?” Eyeballz asked. “We’re done.” PJ14 said “Okay” Eyeballz said. “Carry all the Groceries and we’re outta here.”

Finally, they were back home in Mii Plaza. “Hey, you’re back!” Mark said. All the Miis were about to celebrate. Eyeballz and PJ14 were setting up the table. Vivian had two new babies: Caleb and Jacob. PJ14 was pouring drinks for the other Miis.

All of the Miis were celebrating Havdalah with Jacob and Caleb. "HAPPY HAVDALAH!" everybody said. Everybody sang a blessing and the whole Mii plaza went back to normal.          

new commute

Yesterday, Jake went to and from his bar mitzvah tutoring the long way around. No problem. This morning, Belac and I practiced his new route.

Well, hello!!! proclaimed Ron, the old crossing guard we hadn't seen in months since moving on to middle school, what a treat to see the two of you!!  Up we went past the elementary school drop off line, where Belac was noticed and said hello to by at least 3 teachers. And then in half a block, we joined our former route to the middle school. It was easy enough. And you know what? It's just better all around.

Better that the boys gets noticed and said hello to on their way to and from school. It's a much busier route. Better that they're on a sidewalk, every step of the way. For just 2 extra minutes, it's infinitely better and safer.

The residents are organizing themselves to discuss with the town about how to prevent future accidents on the cul-de-sac. It's a great and necessary initiative and we are definitely taking part. However, hubby and I have told the kids about the recent accidents and laid down the law. Even if that particular street improves, my boys are not allowed to walk on any street that doesn't have a sidewalk. Period. The drivers are not aware enough - and neither are my boys - to be sharing the road. To make sure we are consistent with our message, we will no longer even as a family or 'just this once' walk on the cul-de-sac and will always take the long way around. My students and the boys' friends, who regularly walk to our house, have now been instructed to do the same.

Even if it's not the shortest route to school, we are so lucky for the sidewalk at the foot of our drive. And what are we talking about anyway? But an easy 12 minute walk, door-to-door!

uws

Jake went to the American Museum of Natural History, today, on a class field trip. As usual, his favorite thing was the blue whale and the Hall of Oceanic Life. He liked the dinosaurs, too. We've been there dozens and dozens of times, ever since he was a babe and we lived at West 83rd and Columbus.

The other day, I ran some errands and went to the UWS to retrieve my niece's blanket. It took me 35 minutes from W70th to Sunny Patch. The whole UWS is really my hood. It's still so close in so many ways, and yet so, so far.

accident

Neighbor's mom picked her granddaughter up from school, Monday. We live next door from each other, but our houses empty onto different streets. She was walking home on their street that is a cul-de-sac and has no sidewalk, unusual for Sunny Patch. It's a street our family always cuts through to get to the middle school. And would you believe that on a Monday afternoon in broad daylight, the grandmother was run over by a car on this street. They were even walking on the grass, next to the street. The driver drove on without stopping. The poor first grader at her side witnessed the whole thing. Someone nearby called 911.

The grandmom is in stable condition, now, laying in a hospital with her leg completely crushed.

My neighbor told me he has a grainy picture of the car, taken from the security camera on his house. They are pretty sure of the make and model of the car. Today I was out and what do you know? I saw a car of the same make and model, parked at the foot of my drive, a different street but the same proximity to the school, one block away. I did a U-turn to take a picture of the car with license plate number before going on with my day.

I understand fear. Accidents happen. But you NEVER drive away if you've hit someone or something with your car. NEVER.

We are going to have to evaluate how the kids walk to and from school. I just found out there was another recent accident involving pedestrian and car on this very same street. My boys are not allowed to walk on that street anymore. They're going to hate me and it's a pain in the ass for all of us, but we're walking on sidewalks only and taking the long way around.

switch

Driving home, yesterday, I made it about half way up our drive and had to roll back for all my slipping. Tried again. No luck. I rolled back into the street for a head start and then gunned it up. Multiple tries later and sliding up on pure inertia, I got to the top. This could not be safe, especially because I had no good control of the car rolling backwards in Drive and the occasional pedestrian crossing by would not know. Hours later, hubby came home with the RAV4 and had no problems driving up and pulling right into the garage. Yay for AWD.

I liberally salt and sand and use calcium carbonate on the drive. I succumb to all sorts of un-environmentally friendly ways for the sake of safety. But the pitch of the drive means that snow and ice slowly melt during the day, trickling down the hill of our drive and freezing on its way down and pooling at the foot, anyway.

Hubby is the one that drives to CT, very early and late when the driving conditions are worst. He's the one that shouldn't have to spend time digging out or de-icing a car when everyone else is still cozy in bed until 6:35 am. He has to love going down, leaving through the family room into the garage and driving off in a perfectly dry car. This is the first winter we have an attached garage with an automated door that can be accessed from inside the house. This is the first winter the garage is housing a car. The Rav fits perfectly in there, but the Accord is too big. I dislike driving the Honda because the seat hurts my back, no matter what I do but have decided. As long as it is winter, Hubby is driving the Rav!!

idyllic

Everyone read and practiced. We all tidied up. Then bundled up and pulled on snowboots and trekked into town. Dropped off hubby's dry cleaning. The boys got haircuts at the barber. Then ate chilidogs and fries before heading home. Walking back, we rang a doorbell and picked up a friend. There were snowball fights and at least one snowman attempt before fingers became numb. Soon off to the boys' lessons. The snow really didn't warrant a snow day, but we took advantage of it. What a sweet, productive day. The life!

Snow day

Hubby off at 5am in the RAV with new tires. It was supposed to snow today and I was happy the car was ready. Down at 7am to see a text. "I'm closed, too, I can bring the kids later?" Closed? I read in disbelief. Not a flake on the ground with 1-3 inches expected and they closed school? I checked the site. Why, yes they did.

Jake now laying in bed reading a new book. Belac still under his covers and cozy. Just went through the fridge and see we have enough food for a few meals. I'm staying in my pajamas. Happy Snow Day!

light

What am I doing? Waiting for new tires. I had a flat a couple of weeks ago. It was then pointed out to me that my Toyos were pretty much bald in front with the back wearing thin. The car is only 2 years old and has traveled less than 30,000 miles! I put off thinking about it. But this morning, when hubby thought to take my car because of sleet and icy conditions, mine has AWD and his does not, I remembered I needed to do something.

So what am I having put on my RAV4? Michelin Defenders. Can't believe I'm writing about tires today, but that's my exciting life. I read the reviews. They are all-American, all-season, top of the line, fuel-saving tires with a supposed 90,000 mile life at the installed cost of $200 per tire at my local place. Gulp! The guy asked me, do you want an alignment, too? Are you telling me it's not included with an entire set of new tires? I responded in disbelief. No, it's another $79.99. (Gotta love it's not a penny more, right?) Could you call me after they're on? I ask. I don't want to scrimp on something I need, but I also don't want to waste my money on something I don't need.... By the way, I pointed at the sign, does this $70 mail-in rebate apply to my purchase? Yes, he tells me. Glad I asked, I could only think.

Walked home from the place. My Yogi tea fortune reads: Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light.

I so agree! And it's up to ourselves to make that happen.

busy

Poor Bailey cannot engage her no matter how hard he tries. They're still good buddies, though. And that is life, I guess.

Saturday

Have Olivia for the day. The dogs are really better off when they are together. She is not chewing shoes and eating furniture because she's not bored. Bailey turns into some horny teenager and just keeps trying non-stop with her. It makes for interesting entertainment for all....

We went to synagogue this morning and practically no one was there. There was no minyan. There ended up being a discussion about the biblical Judas of today's parsha and the parallel story of Nelson Mandela. I was surprised that Jake was able to fill us in on the biblical stories I either didn't know or had forgotten. There was talk about leadership and what makes good leadership and what forgiveness really means... Interesting food for thought.

Now off to Turkey Mt before dark.

A good day.

piano lesson

Yesterday afternoon, I dropped Belac off at Hebrew School and came home for my first piano lesson. I opened the door and was met with hysterical giggling and laughing. Jake had let my student in, here 15 minutes early, and they were operating the Sphero. It was in the girl's front pocket of her hoodie, glowing and going crazy. Look, Gimky!! she showed me. Then it went into Jake's pants pocket and did the same thing....

We started with this girl's lesson. She was playing a song called Spring. She was making some mistakes and said to me several times "I really did this perfectly at home...!"  I sang along with words, something to the effect "today is spring." During a pause I heard a voice from the kitchen "Mom, it is NOT spring!"  Um, Jake...? Could you go upstairs and do your homework? I am doing my homework, I heard. Okay, then....  It felt so surreal, what was going on?

The lesson continued and it suddenly dawned on me. I now took a hard look at this happy, very sweet and very pretty girl. Then realized that Jake was doing homework in the kitchen, something he never does anymore.... Oh my God! I thought back to a few weeks ago. She and other younger kids were here, but I noticed both she and Jake were among them, just as invested in throwing pillow soccer balls at each other from behind couch cushion shields....

It was pitch black out when the lesson was done. Her mom couldn't come to get her. What could I do? I had another lesson. She'd probably be fine but sometimes people barreled down the side street on her route and there was no sidewalk. It was also now dark and wet out. Jake, though, walked this street, everyday, in any weather and time of day. In fact, he's run all over Sunny Patch with his cross country team, knew every street in town and shortcuts between houses. It made sense. Um, Jake? I couldn't believe this was happening. Can you walk Dawn home? Sure! he said cheerfully and without hesitation as he literally leaped out the door. Are you kidding me...?? I could barely keep my jaw from falling to the core of the earth. Do you know what it takes for me to get him to walk the dog at this hour? Thanks, Jake! I saw this sweet girl smile as they headed off into the dark.

OH. MY. GOD.

word

More on expectations. A beautiful speech.

pt conferences

I met 6 of Jake's teachers and 2 of Belac's in Parent Teacher Conferences today. We did not talk numbers, I had seen the report cards and knew what they were. What I really wanted to know was, how are things going in class? How was each kid paying attention, getting in-class work done, keeping on top of things, managing materials, participating in discussions, asking questions...? I asked plenty and said little. I picked a few of their brains. I took notes.... Every teacher, every single one! shared anecdotes, observations and thoughts about my boys. Hearing their perspective was so interesting to me. There were things I of course knew, but other things that truly surprised me. There seemed to be so much care and appreciation of my boys, in fact, I found myself quite overwhelmed. After Belac's teacher spent an HOUR chatting with me before turning the lights off for the day, I gave her a hug. Was I allowed to do that? I don't know. Thank you so much, I told her.

I heard some of the usual on-going stuff. About Jake's spotty attention, in particular. The worst of it - I think - was happening in Science, his last class of the day. Is he staying hydrated throughout the day? his teacher asked me. I wanted to laugh. In fact, Jake never packed a drink for lunch and claimed never to be thirsty. I love this guy! who also admitted to me that he was completely ADD growing up. He of course had advice to give....   I also heard about how Jake had been making interesting and insightful contributions in English class. Apparently it shows that he reads a lot and the teacher described his upper level thinking as "awesome." He is now earning his one strong and consistent high A in English, and that his spotty attention has not interfered is something. He's very motivated. I also saw an in-class essay Jake had handwritten for Social Studies and the teacher pointed out to me, look at this detail! His Social Studies teacher told me that most kids in the grade are not yet able to write with this sort of depth. I especially appreciated that this was an in-class assessment, where his writing could not be mistaken for anyone else's (mine). He does write well without my help. And from the French teacher, I received the most helpful feedback which had nothing to do about French. Big growth from last year, he observed, and his EQ is really emerging in both his interactions and his humor. He recovers from set backs much more quickly. "Love him, reinforce him and have patience" he told me. Don't overburden him with a million things. This is a kid that needs a lot of positive reinforcement and he'll get there, he insisted, but unfortunately, I see it taking him longer than the others to come into his own.

I am beyond grateful to the boys' teachers. I'm actually astounded by today's conversations. So lucky to be in Sunny Patch.

Ok

Hubby was gone by 5am. Alarm off at 6:40. I flicked on lights and headed down to make coffee and chop apple slices for everyone. Jake down by 6:55 and fixed himself a nutella sandwich and a glass of milk. Then emptied out the dishwasher. His backpack was by the door. Belac down by 7:15. He nibbled on a cream danish. At 7:25 everyone got their shoes on, I handed a madeline to Belac as he put on his jacket and we were off to school. It was foggy. Mysterious and beautiful. Whoaaa...! When was the last time there was fog like this? Jake asked me with his arms in the sky. Which house do you think the dog is going to poop at? Belac asked as we moseyed along.

When the kids are in a routine and can help themselves and we aren't rushing, I am so relaxed and so are they. It's when we get to the morning and the kids haven't prepared the night before that I start stressing out. Someone can't find a watch or a cellphone or shoes. Someone can't find clean socks or appears downstairs in shorts when it's freezing out. Someone hasn't gotten downstairs early enough. Or the lunchbox hasn't been cleaned out from the day before. These are the kinds of things that set me off and get us all into a scramble....

This afternoon, there is early dismissal at 11am. I will still be teaching, 10 miles away. And from there, I head straight to parent teacher conferences in the afternoon. The boys, along with Izzy, will let themselves into the house, probably around 11:15. Kati shows up at noon, after she gets off work, to take them all to lunch. No wild and crazy behavior until Kati gets there, okay? I reminded them, as I blew them kisses at the corner.

More than fabulous grades and the most appropriate social behavior, I realize my greatest expectation and desire is that my boys develop good life skills and self-sufficiency.

My FIL wrote hubby the other day: He is 13 years old... he has a long way to go... firstly, you have to accept that not everyone has the material to be what you want.... secondly, not making kids feel like they are failures is very important... if they feel like failures, they will fail badly... Thirdly, what exactly is failure.... think about that carefully... Help the kid get better and realize you will only know for sure how good he is doing many, many years later. You can't look into the seeds of time and say which seed will grow and which not. So keep insisting that he work hard, keep trying but not crushing him or making him feel like a failure... Remember the snow flakes and being born in the image of g-d.

So on a practical level, have Gimky get him involved in stuff... Where you and Gimky are not his taskmaster... Drop him off and kiss him and wish him luck... Hocky, school activities, friends, etc. And stop hovering over each activity. 

Ok.

just do it

Thanksgiving photos have exploded on Facebook. I am shocked and dismayed at how fat I've become. It's what happens when you stop exercising AND you eat all the high fat foods you're trying to get your kid to eat. I've never looked so pudgy.

I am a broken record.

I am back on the treadmill again and trying to exercise regularly.

Spent hours listening to some incredible webinars I found online. Wrote emails to people about finding a web designer/computer programmer to help. Please, please, please. Could I at least try and fail at my business? But no fucking excuses about the other thing. I absolutely cannot get fat!

expectations

Bailey

You know that we think J is gay? Soo leaned in as if sharing a secret.

I was relieved to know they weren't totally oblivious. They had been focusing on Brian for the past 8 years, who was now on medication and finally no longer harming himself after a long 2 years. Now they were coming to grips with and actively bonding with the older one.... I simply nodded and slurped up my own noodles. I just wanted to hear what she had to say.

My point is, Soo told me, we have to learn to accept our kids, where they are in their life and who they are. We make assumptions about who they will be and what they will do, but it's not right. You can't. That's not the way life works, Gimky. Do I care about his grades? They are all As and Bs, that's good enough for me. Fantastic, actually! And you know what? I know he's going to be fine in that way, he works hard and wants to do well. What I do worry about is making him tougher and stronger. He's soft. Vulnerable. This anorexia thing, it'll be a tendency he fights his whole life.... And his probably being gay.... He really needs to be strong at the core and that is my main concern.

Meanwhile, Lulu relayed a story to me about her older son. He's now a teenage boy who slicks back his hair with gel, like something out of Madmen. His jeans are really tight, these days, I notice. He's also an Honor Roll student. Oh my God, her hubby told her one night, he looks so GAY!  My friend, a woman from the Netherlands and the youngest of 8, kind of just shrugged ok. It wasn't exactly a so-what kind of matter, but ok, we'll deal with it kind of thing. But the husband, from an Irish Catholic background of police officers could only say. My son is not going to be gay! And that was that. Is it just a coincidence that her older son has started to become really mean to the younger, more typical boy? To the extent that she won't leave the two unattended? (Not mean because he's gay, obviously, but because the other son seems to be more completely fulfilling his father's expectations?)

If my kid were gay, would I try to convert him? Of course not. And though I'd be okay with it, I would have to learn how to help and support him.... And so here I am with 2 kids. Great kids. But kids with their own issues. Belac spent all of Thanksgiving barely talking to anyone. It was hard to observe. And Jake, I worry he won't be able to get it together to be really great or distinguish himself at something. I worry he will be a follower and not a doer and dragging his feet. My approach these past dozen years has all been about change and radical change. It was a fine enough approach when they were young, but lately it's not something that's been working all that well. And not to lump difficult tendencies with sexual preference, but my point is, there are certain things you can't change, right?

Parenting is confusing. I'm propping up my kids with certain expectations and what they need to do. Isn't that what you're supposed to do as a good parent? It's what my immigrant parents did and what I know. Hold a certain high standard? It certainly got us a good distance. But now the kids are older. While they have progressed, I feel like both time is running out and the expectations on all fronts just keep rising higher. As long as my boys keep not meeting me where I relentlessly want them to be, I find myself disappointed. Sometimes angry and endlessly impatient.  Why can't they just do it? They must sense my anxiety for them, too, which isn't good. And so what do I do? Lower my expectations? That's the answer? And then what...?

You have to find that middle ground, hubby tells me. I can't, I dismiss the notion. I am a very emotional person, all or nothing, all in or all out. I don't know a thing about happy medium. You have to, Gimky! You have to or the kids will sink. But I can't! I don't have the patience. Jake will be scared to let us in for fear of disappointing us and then we won't be able to help him at all! We have to recognize his effort so he's not scared to try, not scared to advocate for himself, not worried about facing things. Take a deep breath and high five him for the good things. You have to find the balance! Just have to.

Gimky, my friend tells me. There are so many ways to have a "successful" life. Not everyone can or needs to be on a certain track. The thing is, you and your hubby went down that track so it's harder for you to accept the alternatives. Me? I was never on that track.... You need to think hard about your expectations.

Okay, then. I'm thinking about it.

JOB LIST

AFTER SCHOOL:
Hang up jacket, shoes in cubby
Cell phone in charging station
Unpack and clean your lunch box/thermos
Homework
Bar Mitzvah practice - Jake
Violin - Belac

CHORES:
Walk dog PM - Jake (M, Th, F, Su-AM) & Belac (W, F, Sa-AM)
Bring your dirty laundry to basement - Jake & Belac
Put away clean utensils  - Belac
Put away clean glasses and plates - Jake
Set plates and napkins for dinner - Belac
Utensils and pour drinks for dinner - Jake
Mudroom clean up - Everyone
Family room clean up - Everyone
Clear table after meals - Everyone

BEFORE YOU LEAVE, MAKE
SURE YOU HAVE:
1. Watch
2. Cell phone
3. Backpack
4. Lunch box
5. Assignment pad
6. Instrument for band/orch

what do I want?

It's time, I told hubby like it was a threat, for me to get a job! The kids are fine and won't get any better if I'm always there to clean up their messes! If I was gone in the morning or had to be out, they'd be fixing their own breakfasts, figuring out themselves what they are missing, and I certainly wouldn't be left with dog food all over the floor!!!

I went ballistic this morning. I had just sent Jake upstairs to put on a long sleeved shirt. If he wasn't going to wear a winter jacket, at least he was going to be wearing more than a t-shirt under his hoodie. Hubby was pouring coffee and the car was running. In a mad dash to get out of the house, there was a collision between the two and Jake stepped back onto a bowl of dog food that spilled everywhere. He zipped on his jacket like nothing happened and proceeded to head out the door.

Um... did you see what happened? I asked.

No, he told me, and I don't want to look.

Well, you should look to see what happened. There's a mess! And if you don't have time to clean it up, you could look at me, cuz I'm right here, and say "sorry mom, I don't have time and I'm late, could you clean it up for me?" I mean, who do you think is cleaning this up?

Okay, he told me like a budding teenager and continued to run off to the car, bye mom!

What happened? hubby asks, as he was gathering his stuff and seeing me fume.

Whatever! These kids are spoiled! I started losing it, why should he be chauffered to school and rewarded for this behavior?!? HE SHOULD WALK!! What am I? The maid? By now, Jake was back in the house, bye mom, he said tentatively and sweetly, knowing there was a situation brewing. I know he's just a kid and he's normally helpful and I had been telling him to hurry up all morning. But I looked at him and was now yelling as I threw the last of the dog food in the bowl. All you guys care about is Hanukkah and YOUR presents! (So not true, but I said it.) WELL, WHERE IS MINE??? (I really don't care about having any more stuff, but again, this is what I said.) WHAT HAPPENED ABOUT SOMETHING FOR ME?? (Well, this was certainly more true.) HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT??? (Have I ever thought of that. Well, now I was getting somewhere more truthful.) I slammed the bathroom door shut and started furiously changing. I had Belac to walk to school in a bit.

I heard silence. I heard hubby say to Jake, don't worry about this now, let's get you to school. Gimky? I heard hubby call through the door, I'm calling you in 15 minutes, okay?

Things are at a pretty good place with both boys. A 'good enough' sort of place at ages 10 and 12. Belac will always need help socially. Jake will always fight to stay organized and work optimally. I know full well it's not smooth sailing from here on, it's not. But I also realize that the kind of propping up I'm doing or what the kids have gotten used to, is not beneficial for anybody. It's time to figure out stuff for myself and it will be good for everyone.

thanks

A perfect week. Food, drink and the best company. Thanksgiving dinner for 25 and 29 on Friday, while sleeping 15 most of the week. Everyone helped, everyone seemed merry and comfy. I was in heaven as long as my mom didn't escape out of the house in one of her confused, impulsive furies.... I had plenty of meaningful exchanges with my dad and at least one good conversation with my mom. They really enjoy themselves much more now that little sis and I have taken over Thanksgiving.

When people started trickling home, yesterday, I found myself fighting sorrowful dread. My sister and her amazing little ones embarked on an 11 hour trek home, my other sister to DC. My beloved cousin back to the west coast, another to Alabama, my gregarious and fun in-laws to Canada, more cousins to Boston.... This house that's too big for the 4 of us was now even more huge and empty with just the 4 of us. It's a 'peaceful' day at home, hubby reassured me as I now twiddle my thumbs.

My dad told me how his mom had bought a 7 story building in Taiwan in hopes that each of her children would take one floor. I never knew this. Her dream was that her children stick together. This story touched me to the core, his mom and I are similar beyond appearances. Thing is, only 2 of the 7 floors had ever been lived in by any of her children and now it was empty except a rented out storefront.... Now notarized signatures needed to be collected from each sibling (all living and between 76-88 years old) in order to try to get this building sold. Every sibling otherwise had 3-4 children to further complicate matters legally in the event of a sibling's death and the building would then surely end up as state property. Tragedy is, getting those 7 necessary signatures was still not enough to get the siblings together or organized....

I really think there is something wrong about how we are all everywhere. That my dad left his own family to come to the US. How then 2 of their 3 kids left Michigan, where we grew up.... We pursued dreams and have what to show, but at unquantifiable expense. No one realizes until it's too late. A wise person told me once, better to have a dysfunctional family than no family.

It's briefly crossed my mind that I should get on a plane this summer and track down my dad's every sibling. I don't really care about the signatures, but it would be my one legitimate chance and excuse to find and meet my aunts and uncles before it's too late.... My grandma could not control what was to be and I know there is only so much a parent can influence, but I'm still going to try. My kids are not allowed to one day live beyond 6 states in the Northeast. Period.

waiting

The house is all scrubbed down. Borrowed bedding and mattresses for the soon 17 people sleeping here. Boys vacuumed and organized toys. Hubby finished the basement. It's been a family affair and now we are in a relaxing holding pattern. The 30 pound turkey is ordered, along with 4 dozen latkes for this Thanksgivukah. I have 16 bottles of wine. A trip to Costco planned for Tuesday.

My sister texted and she is halfway to NY with hubby and girls. The fun is about to begin!

home sweet home

Me: Just made some bean salad, pulling out some cheese and crackers.... If anyone joins me and twists my arm, I might uncork some red. Just sayin.

K: We'll be there in a few!

Dot: Twist twist. Can we bring anything?

K: I never saw Robin move so quickly out the door. He was clutching a bottle of wine!

Me: I looooooove you guys!  Yay! Bring anything or nothing.

Me: Hubby, obviously drive safely, but get home soon. Friday has begun!

effort

Belac 11/2013

This morning at breakfast, I asked Belac, is there a math test today? Um, he told me, I don't know. I had seen a completed math review packet in his folder all week, but never followed up. Well, did you have a math test this week? Um, I don't know, I don't remember. I'll ask okay, Mom? He put his hand up to motion for me to stop with all the questions. Okay, I replied.

Recently, they have been working on simplifying fractions and finding lowest common denominators to complete simple problems. i.e. 2/5-1/10 = what? The math comes easily to him and I'm not concerned. What I really wanted to know was, do you want to invite someone over, today?

Just last night, we found the boy's report cards in the mailbox. There were no surprises. The reports confirmed what I already knew, but still, I was blown away!

Belac. Yes, Belac. Earned an amazing 87 in English but get this. Subject after subject listed scores in the strong 90s, including a 96 in math. Were these typos? I had to blink. He has no aide this year to constantly redirect and help. He takes the same tests as most of the grade, though with 1-1/2 time. Seeing all this blew me away. How did he do this?

And Jake? 85 average. And he worked for it. A real accomplishment. Especially because there was no hovering, helicoptering mom, this year. He is now a kid who routinely gets himself out of bed at 6:40 when the alarm goes off, packs, gets to and from school by himself... Would he have done 'better' numberwise if I had propped him up? Maybe. But I'm not doing it anymore. He has to learn and want it for himself. 85 average is perfectly respectable and actually, I'm really proud of him for getting those marks. He did it.

I saw hubby and Jake hover over the report card and discuss goals. I heard hubby say, you can't be afraid of looking at this. This is pretty good! But looking forward, how do you get better? I heard hubby say simply, take a good and hard look. Look at this, your teachers give you such important information: 1) organize your work, 2) pay attention better in class. So let's talk about this, what can you do...?

They eventually got out a pencil and began writing in the blank spaces of 2nd quarter.  I think you can make your average a 92, next quarter. And how? Fix the 80 in science, first of all. And how? By simply not missing one homework assignment. Not one! Get it all in on time and this grade will easily be a 90 if not higher. You just can't miss or turn in one assignment late. And down the report card they went, now hanging above Jake's desk as a reminder.

What's this? I heard Jake ask, trying to look at another green sheet underneath his. That's Belac's report card and none of your business, I heard hubby say quickly, you'll just worry about yours.

It's just a report card, a snapshot of just one aspect of the kid. Does Jake's report card capture what a funny and considerate kid he is? How well he listens and how emotionally in tune he is to other people? Not at all! My boys each have such different strengths and weaknesses. They are really trying and lucky for me, I can capture this in our everyday life and not have to rely on that piece of paper. So proud of my boys.

report cards

Well, they are in! There were no surprises, but it doesn't mean that my mind wasn't blown away. These are very insightful summations and observations of my boys' school performance. This was Belac's first report card in middle school, the first time that hard numbers were attached to each subject on a computer generated form. He also didn't have an aide for the first time. How do you think he did...?  This was also the very first year I did not hover over Jake. At all. And what happened?

More on this later when I have time to write.

prep

In the thick of preparing for Thanksgiving, but first things first. I just sent a note to my sisters and cousins:

Cardinal rule for the week, please! We are the younguns that can help control what happens. Our 3 sets of parents ALL have very strong and very opposing and very emotional views about leadership in America. This is no joke and a serious plea. Could we please, please each do our part in steering away from any political discussions should we so easily land there by just a single, random comment. There's so much that could go wrong with this combination of people, especially on the topic of Affordable Healthcare.

Your sister/cousin thanks you deeply.

fuschia

After a meeting for a special needs organization I help run, I roamed around a holiday bazaar at the facility. It was the usual outrageous Westchester stuff. But there was a little jewelry stand I spent some time at, even though I am not a jewelry wearing kind of gal. Turns out the woman at the stand made everything and I kept coming back to this bracelet. It's just weird, how I liked looking at it and found myself wanting it.

What is it? I asked.

Actually, this is a sapphire, she explained as she put it on and seemed to study it. Really? And these, surrounding it, are actually pave diamonds. The sapphire was a scrap I found at a wholesale place, it's so pretty isn't it? And the diamonds were from leftover projects. The wooden beads all around were an attempt to keep the price down and keep it casual....

And that is how I came to buy myself a present. A piece of jewelry, of all things! $100 down the drain, no less! But every time I spy this colorful, happy, shiny thing on my wrist, it puts a smile on my face. How ridiculous am I?

Book fair

OMG, Kati told me, I never volunteer like that anymore!

I had just spent 4 hours at the middle school, ringing up a hundred purchases at the cash register for the book fair. I sipped her homemade mushroom soup. But oh my god! I told her, the gossip I heard, the teachers and kids I saw! Totally worth it!!

There was stupid stuff I listened in on. But I also met Jake's old English teacher, who asked 'How's Jake?' And also met his new English teacher who said, something has happened to Jake in the past 2 weeks, he is really ON! I asked her to tell me more. First of all, he really finishes his work and takes care. And he earned a 100 percent on his last reading comprehension exam.... My mouth fell to the ground! He had always gotten Bs and Cs in that area of English..... I also rang up the modified teacher for 6th grade's purchases. I introduced myself and she told me, I know you! Remember when...? OMG! I exclaimed. Well, let's see where Belac is, next year, I told her, but I'm sure we will talk!

When I spied Belac at lunch, next door, I motioned to him to come over. I forgot to give you money for the book fair! I told him, and I'm leaving before you come. Mom! I don't want to buy anything!!! There's cool stuff, I reassured, take the money, just in case. Right before I left my register, Belac and flower showed up. She had 2 books but was short 17 cents, not having calculated tax. Wait! Belac said, dropping everything to look for the money I gave him. I was dying at his sweetness but also eyeing the long line behind her. Flower? It's okay, don't worry about it. I can come tomorrow with the rest, she told me. It's enough and I will take care of it, I told her as Belac beamed.

It was great to be there, I actually loved every second. The teachers and the kids give so much to us. When I have time, I always give back. Always. I really believe it's what makes the world go round and round.

good enough

Jake up with hubby at 6. Hubby biked a dozen or so miles virtually while Jake stationary biked next to him for 30 minutes. By the time I was up at 6:40, everyone was downstairs watching hubby break his personal record. Quick! There were showers, breakfast, and then everyone packed and ready to go by 7:25. It was still early.

You know, Gimky, hubby said as he poured more coffee and looked intently at me. I look at Belac now and those years at the other house... I look at those videos from when we just arrived there, those Bob the Dilder ones when he was so interactive... the ones after, starting in November when it all went down hill... he made a dip with his hand, and I look at him now and he's... fantastic. He's perfect.

Hubby went looking for his sports coat, he was going to have a late night in the city. Jake and I went over details of his later being home by himself for an hour after school. Belac wanted his bangs gelled into spikes and off his face. I kissed them all good bye and watched them leave in their new red and blue fleece-lined hoodies. Now, myself, leaving to volunteer 4 hours at the school book fair.

Just a normal, picture-perfect family we are, right? Not sure what to think but it's good enough for me.

summer

Hubby and I only recently decided it might be good for the kids to go to camp in the outdoors of Canada, this summer. He really wants the boys to be at a camp he went to as a child. It is a super crunchy granola place in the Laurentians, where the campers sleep in tents, everyday, take overnight canoe trips and swim at 5:30am in bunk competitions. It's like outdoor survival camp. We only started talking about it with Jake, who was intrigued and interested. Belac loved the idea of sleeping in a tent, everyday, little does he know what he's in store for....  And then, yesterday, I was invited to teach at a music camp in Canada with dates and terms....

Maybe a little time apart for each of us would be just the right thing. Hubby would have to stay back to work and would be in the thick of training for his triathlon. He'd probably come up north for some long weekends. I'd be at a music camp for the first time since being a mom. And the kids? Well, they'd be immersed in something new and different and hopefully, wonderful.

We'll see. It's pretty exciting to think about though!

small town life

Belac 11/2013

Beautiful and brisk walk to school.

Well, is there anyone else you want to invite home...?

Ben.

Well, besides Ben. Ben is always welcome and he's come a bunch of times. How about Connor? Belac had mentioned this kid a couple of times.

Okay, he told me as I kissed him goodbye.

I watched Belac turn into a little dot as he reached the front door.  And then a mom waved as she passed in a Subaru. I didn't realize who she was until later. It was Flower's mom.

Turning home, I noticed a boy was petting the dog. He looked up and asked, are you Belac's mom?

Yes! I smiled broadly, this was amazing. And are you Connor?

Yes!

Guess what? Belac and I were just talking about you! We wanted to invite you for a playdate!

Okay! Does Belac have a phone?

Yes.

So maybe we can give each other our numbers. I have a phone, too!

Perfect! Have a good day, okay? And I hope to see you soon!

Bye, Mrs. Snowflake.

texts

I heard Belac and Jake laughing their heads off last night. The boys texted Izzy after she spent the weekend here. Just took a look at their phone exchange. It's juvenile, stupid and perfect. The 3 are truly like siblings, sleeping and eating together, picking on each other, walking the dog together, each trying to pass the job of picking up the poop on the other.... They are the 3 stooges.

Isa: Hi Belac!!!!

Isa: Hey Belac!!!!

Isa: Your a meany head and a girly and a poopy hed and a mrs. And a big fat fart!!!!

Belac: Hey Fatty

Isa: Hey poopy

Belac: Hey goopy

Isa: Hey dummy

Belac: Hey Mummy

Isa: Hey weirdo!

Belac: Hey Beardo

Isa: Shut up!!!!

Belac: NO!

reunion

Belac 11/2013

Our friends from Israel spent the day with us, yesterday. It was surreal. We caught up about kids, siblings and parents, we played a little music for them, had brunch, even played a silly card game like old times.... Roaming around the house, they squinted at our marriage certificate on display. Hey! Yuval smiled, did I sign this? There's my signature! It was lasting evidence we were friends before marriage and all of our kids.

Later, pulling out of the drive to zip them to the train, we had our last minutes of chitchat. I remember that swing at the old house and that like thousand year old tree, Yuval said, that was unbelievable! Yeah, it was something...  But you guys have something good going here, he added quickly, really good.  It's good, I agreed. And he looks perfect, Gimky, he offered, really! Like totally fine! He's come a long way, that's for sure.... I embraced both of them at the train and so tightly. They didn't know all the day to day details, but they somehow knew and understood everything. Amazing how we've managed to see each other in various stages of our lives and keep informed despite being worlds apart. Still, when would we meet again?

Soon, hopefully.

OMG

kitchen project

Belac just called to tell me he was bringing Will home with him. He is a great kid we met at Dot's, weeks ago. Someone new to Sunny Patch. Belac and I had been talking about making an effort to have more male buddies and building stronger friendships. And now I can't believe this kid! He invited someone new and now they are walking home together from school. Just like that! Sooooo proud of him.

full house

dinner

Out of the corner of my eye - and because I could hear the dog barking - I saw Kati enter the house from the side door and drop off the kids' things. I was teaching and could not say hi. She looked beautiful and happy as she hopped back into the car and zoomed off with hubby.

I'm in charge of Kati's 3 girls and their German exchange student this week end while she and hubby are away. You're what? someone asked me in disbelief. But her girls are great kids and our families know each other well. We've taken trips together and shared lots of meals. No one is going to give me trouble and it's just a matter of making more food and the big girls always texting me where they are. And Izzy, well, she's already always here, running around with the boys. 

In another life I would have had so many children and another dog! But taking in her kids, in particular, makes me happy. They are each so special and I just love them so much.

Just found a note she left. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! she signed off. You are the best friend I've ever had!

Ditto. Definitely.