progressive dinner

How long are people staying? hubby asked. Unfortunately he was already fasting for his colonoscopy on Monday, and I hadn't known when I signed up to host a dinner months ago. Everyone is supposed to be at potluck desserts by 9:15, so just 7:30-9pm, I reassured hubby. And I already texted Leyla that we can't go. Good! hubby exclaimed. Fasting in the presence of all this food was not fun.

It was 11PM, however, by the time everyone left. Our dinner guests skipped the dessert round and stayed instead. Someone went and got their cake out of the car, I brought out my China and poured tea. We were lucky for very interesting and easy conversation with people we sort of knew, but not well.

They all had grown children. There was the story about the 18 year old who threw a huge party for 100 random people in her parent's backyard while they were away. How one neighbor called the cops and another neighbor called her, the girl, and saved her from trouble.  I heard another dad tell the story of his kid smoking dope and getting sent home from school....  All of them able to laugh about the heart attacks of parenthood because their kids had survived and mostly stayed out of trouble as adults, or from what I gathered. I told them I had previously laughed so hard to hear the childhood stories and shenanigans of hubby and his brothers, but no longer thought any of it was funny now that I had my own boys. The parents teased... You just wait, Gimky, this is just the beginning!

Some interesting stories and discussion about healthcare in other parts of the world....

I couldn't believe it was 11 when we hugged and said our good byes. A very good evening, indeed! Hubby and I have made some new friends.

45th

Jake vacuumed, hubby running laundry, Belac put to task of putting all the toys away, lining up shoes and setting the table.... I am drinking a beer! And have a breather before cooking.

Dot dropped off Ethan's consent forms just as all of the boys arrived, yesterday. OMG, she exclaimed as these smelly, prepubescent and loud, messy boys got way too comfortable, should I come back with some vodka...?! Did your hubby tell you?

Tell me what?

He didn't tell you? Maybe it's supposed to be a surprise....

What?!

I'm throwing you a big party on the 28th. 

I gave her a look.

You help everyone, Gimky. You do everything for our kids and you keep the rest of us all together. So for just one night, she held up her hand to shush me, you are showing up with your dancing shoes and doing nothing. You're not bringing anything, doing anything, this is a party for YOU. She ticked off on her fingers who was coming.

What could I say? Nothing. It's one of the sweetest things anyone's done for me. 

amazing

Amazing running around play with nerf guns but no bullets and makeshift weapons. Two teams of some weird game of pretend tag. Everyone stays on 1st floor or basement. I am parked in the kitchen and have full view of the comings and goings. Some are dancing. Everyone comes by to take a cookie or carrot or a sip of something. Happy, happy boys and happiest ME.

2:30

Zoomed home with just 30 minutes to spare. Unpacked food, did a quick tidy up.  Casper's mom dropped by with consent forms, her car was running and there wasn't time to spring this on her. Can we have coffee next week? I asked.

And now it's 2:30 and school has dismissed! Both boys have an index card in their pocket with 11 names. They are not to leave the school without all 11 together. Now waiting on the bunch with snacks, drinks and One Republic playing, Belac's favorite band. Home alone with these crazy boys for 2 hours. Yikes! But so happy for my Belac and to do this for him. A mix of the usual group and the other group per Kati's suggestion. Not one kid passed up the opportunity to drive go karts and celebrate with us. For a couple of boys, their aides will likely help them find the boys gathered at the bike rack and I'm certain the parents have gone over it multiple times with them. It's an awesome opportunity for these boys.

Definitely blessed to be able to do this!

2 days

Snowfall resulting in 2 hour delay. Teaching in Greenwich, where there is no delay. So between dropping off the kids on the early side - 45 min for Belac and sending him to the library - and rushing right off, in Kati's van with no AWD, I will be just a little late.

Then shop for tonight and tomorrow.

Home to receive 11 boys, Belac's friends, who have explicit instructions to gather together at the front school door and walk home together. Snacks and mayhem. Then pile into the van and Lulu's for go karting. Hubby meets us there. Then back home for pizza and cake. Only 2 boys will sleep over. Ethan and Josh. I have learned from past craziness. Hopefully a great bday celebration for Belac!

Next morning a bat Mitzvah with my boys and Ethan and Josh. Then home to cook and clean. We have a dinner for 10 at our house. The annual progressive dinner. Then to a friend's for dessert. Then full day of teaching on Sunday....

Crazy wknd but it's the kind of thing I thrive on - or have learned to embrace, I guess. Thank God I've been chained to the piano all week.

good girl

My dad called. Are you practicing? Yes, how did you guess?

We chatted awhile about their trip they just returned from.

So, what's this I hear about hubby getting a colonoscopy? What are his symptoms?

Oh God. I was caught off guard. I hadn't been thinking about it. Dad, I said in summing up, I'm not worrying about anything until they find something. He doesn't have a history of cancer in his family and he's in great shape. Hopefully they find nothing.

Yes, that's right, he agreed.

To be honest I've been worrying more about the boys.

Yeah, I understand, and he sort of chuckled.

He definitely did not know. Little sis had informed my parents of enough new news for them to call, but not enough to alarm them. She's a good girl.

final season

I got a call, this afternoon. It was the local theater. I had helped them in a pinch, awhile back, and we had gotten on well. I'm obviously useful. I sightread, transpose, transcribe, vocal coach and have a lot of certain experience with singers and kids.... Plus I'm in walking distance. Did I want to music direct their next student production?

Wow! I exclaimed and took a sec to recover. I just couldn't, though. I was well into my almost 3rd hour on just 6 pages of music, this afternoon! Way too much practicing on my plate.

Aw, I would have loved to! Thank you! Next season I will be more local, I explained, so please keep me in mind next year!

I've never been so ready to let go of the Boston group and see what a new chapter brings.

promise

Belac, I sat at the edge of his bed, I need to just talk to you one more time about this....

Mom, I know, I know!

Just hear me out. I just need to make this clear. I leaned in and talked as gently as I could. It is fine if you explore yourself. It's fine to be curious. That is all normal behavior. But it is not fine to touch anyone else's privates or for anyone to touch yours until you're an adult. No one should be showing you their privates either. It is not good until you are older. Do you understand? Now. What is going to happen if Casper tries again?

Mom, mom! I will tell him that this is inappropriate. And that we are too young. And I don't want it. But you can't say anything to him, okay? I will talk to him myself! I will tell him all of this.

Okay.... I'm not saying you cannot be friends with him. But I also want to tell you something else. Some friends are better than others. I don't like how he ignored you for weeks and wasn't nice. And I don't like that you ended up doing things you didn't want. And so I really need you to be careful around him. And if you find yourself in this position again, you must physically remove yourself from the situation and go be with other people.

Mom, mom! It's in the past, things are good now!

Belac...? I'm just telling you, listen to me. Listen carefully! Some friends are better than others. I have friends, perfectly nice enough people, but they don't help me be a good person. Do you know that? They are fun, but if I hang around them too much, I might always be eating sweets, or get sucked into gossiping or saying bad things about other people, spending money I don't have, or not getting my stuff done.... I have to choose my friends wisely. And so do you! Okay? So I want you to be thinking about the friends who always make you feel good and who never let you worry. Okay...?

Now. Belac, if something like this happens again, I really need you to tell me, okay? I promise you don't have to tell Dr. WiseMan, but -

-- Mom, why can't I talk to you? Why do we have to drive 20 minutes there when I can talk just talk to you??

We'll talk about that later.  Belac, I need to ask you to promise me something. Are you listening? Can you promise me something? I need you to promise me that if something like this happens again with Casper or any other kid, you need to tell me. Okay? It's for your safety, it's for Casper's safety, or for any other kid. It is my job as your mom to make sure that this sexual activity does not happen until you are older, but if it does, I need to help you figure it out. I promise I won't do anything or say anything to anyone before talking it over with you. So I'm making a promise to you, too. Can we have this promise?

Yes.

discussions

Mom, I heard, Casper wants to know if he can come over? 

No. I am teaching and it's a school night. Aren't you going to video club?  

Yes.  

Okay, good! Have fun! 

The phone rang a second time. 

Mom, he asked, Casper invited me to his house.

Belac, it's a school night and I need you home after video club. You will see Casper and your friends for your birthday on Friday afternoon, okay? Tonight is Wednesday and a work night.

I had make up lessons, this afternoon. And instead of relying on Belac walking home, as usual, I made myself late to the last lesson by making a detour to the school and driving Belac home. I wanted and needed to make sure he was at home with Jake.

Late last night I wrote Kiki:

We never did finish our conversation about what you might or might not do in my shoes regarding Belac and that other boy. The boy asked Belac f he could come over to our house, today. I said no. Then Belac called back saying the kid invited him over there. The answer was absolutely no.  It boggles my mind how naive Belac is and how much he wants this kid to like him. 

I am scared about talking to the mom and how this might unfold into something bad. With accusations coming back to us, etc. But it's clear to me that I need to get his mom on my team, right? Because it's not like I can separate them forever and his mom should know about this, right? 

Ugh. 

You don't have to respond but if you have thoughts please share....!
xx Gimky

She replied:

Secondly (and more importantly to us), Robin and I have talked about the situation with the other boy and we're absolutely dumbfounded that it happened and we really don't know what to do here. I do think you need to talk with the mother, but I'm concerned about how she'll react.  I don't think you can get his mom on your team ... I'm guessing it will be an ugly conversation but I think it needs to be done. 

And Belac's reaction isn't surprising to me.  To him, it probably seems innocent and maybe a little confusing.  He's such a sweet and trusting kid and he really wants to be this kid's friend.  I think the kid is pretty popular -- that's the impression I've gotten when I've asked J (casually) about him.  Have you talked with Belac about why he wants to be the kid's friend?  Have you had any additional conversations with him about what happened?  What did Belac's therapist think? 

If you don't mind, I thought I'd bring it up to my therapist, who I'm seeing on Friday. He has a lot of experience in this area and may be helpful in terms of the right people to talk with (e.g., do you call child services?  do you tell the school?  how might you talk to the mother?).  His PhD is in child psychology.  Is that OK?

My reply:

You can of course mention it to your therapist! 

Belac is coming to terms with his self worth and trying to accept/be okay with his labels. And so the whole social thing that is already normally huge, has taken on this whole other dimension with Belac wanting to be like the others and included with the others. He is worried about being able to lead a normal life. Someone called him autistic at school in September and he came home and asked us if he is autistic. We had our first ever discussions about it then. So as a parent it's treading this fine line of you are normal and you're going to be fine but it's also okay to not be normal and be different.
So in this context, this kid is not just one kid. He's like this bigger thing that represents unfortunately everything and everyone. I mean, for a few weeks Belac was totally derailed and emotional about this kid ignoring him and behaving badly towards him. So of course he's just happy that this kid is talking to him again and wants to keep it this way.... 

I have been careful to be very calm. As soon as I haven't been, he clams up. At the therapists office, he got emotional and asked the therapist to come get me to sit in. I found out a few other things and the moment he sensed I was freaking out he was like, mom it's ok. It's not a big deal. But I'm okay right? 

I suffered myself growing up with not having a back bone and wanting to be liked too much. And in Belac's case, for someone who is one step behind and oblivious and very naive, it's one particular way I wish he weren't like me. It's strange because he can be so opinionated and stubborn and prickly black and white about things, it completely shocks me that he found himself in such a situation and went along with things despite not wanting to. 

The therapist went down both paths with me. Of disclosure or no disclosure, but really did not have a strong opinion.  

The thing is I don't know these parents at all. What if it goes badly and they call child protection services against ME? I wouldn't be able to take the mere accusation! What if they turn around and accuse Belac of something? Or spread untruths? He'd never be able to defend himself and take it. And what kind of obligation do I have to tell Lulu anything? How could I tell her but not this kids' parents? Ugh. I am so conflicted! I would be so careful and just try to say enough and be very diplomatic, but I worry it could go badly.  

So that's the short answer....
xx Gimky

From Kiki:

A few thoughts. 

First, I'm sorry that Belac is going through this.  He is a sweet, kind and bright boy who has a wonderful future. I know it in my heart, and in my head, and in my bones. He's going to be just fine and he will have a happy life.  I wish he could see into the future and see that things definitely get better.. Of course, it's impossible for him to understand this and this age in particular is crappy and difficult. All boys want to be accepted and liked at this age. It's all about growing up and learning who they are and want to be. (Older son told younger son last night that his life is going to suck until he's in 9th grade, which is pretty much true). 

Secondly, I agree that he's going to naturally take cues from you -- particularly from you because he feels so close to you and you've been his cheerleader and his protector his whole life.  So I agree that you need to stay calm, and I have no doubt that you will because you're one of the strongest people I know. 

Thirdly, I believe that you need to tell Lulu.  I'm very grateful that you told us, for younger son's safety.  It's important for younger son to know how to manage something like this -- and I promise that it will be done completely generically.  I think that Lulu needs to know and needs to have a conversation with Ian in a very general sense.  Think of how awful you would feel if something happened with Ian but you didn't tell Lulu. 

Finally, I believe this is a community issue and an issue for this boy in particular.  Admittedly, I'm hyper aware of and sensitive to child molestation because of my own personal circumstances, and so I'm not the best judge of these things.  But I believe in my heart of hearts that this is learned behavior (this is one reason I want to talk with my therapist -- to get his opinion on that).  And if I'm right, that's tragic.  For the child and for the family.  And for his future family.  It has multi-generational implications.  I could write a book on this.  

So I think you need to talk to the mother.  I know it's scary -- I wouldn't want to have that conversation in a million years.  And she might turn it around and accuse you and Belac of all kinds of awful things.  That's very possible.  Unfortunately, in my experience in this issue, parents don't want to know and don't want to confront because the implications and the fall out is terrible.  

But you know what you know, and you trust Belac and his version of events (because you have no reason to not trust him and he's your kid).  Sadly, it might make matters worse for Belac in the short-term, and I get why that's a very painful thought.  But ... with that said ... he needs to also understand why he can't have play dates with this child, right?  And you should know that so many people in this community have your back.  Really. 

Anyway, I'm not sure this is helpful, but these are the thoughts I've been mulling over since last week.

general philosophy

Home from teaching. I could see every light on in every room from a block away. Guys! I said in exasperation as I entered the house, turn off the lights!! Belac at the island doing math, Jake reading. Mom, Jake asked, are you happy? Yes, I told him, but sometimes I worry about being a good mom. Making sure you guys do everything you're supposed to do and more...!

Mom, Jake called to me as he ran around to flick off lights, you are a really good mom!

Later as I got dinner together he hugged me from behind and buried his head into my back. You okay? I asked him. Yes, he told me. You sure? Yes, came the answer. Jake, I told him, remembering this morning, you're a really good kid! Belac interrupted homework and joined in on the hug. And so are you, I exclaimed.

It's not lost on me that the kids trust me. I never shame them about anything and try not to judge and compare them to others - the kinds of things of my own childhood. I really want them to always feel like they can come to me with their problems. It's my top priority that they grow up to be well adjusted individuals. The therapist commended me on the rapport I had with Belac, suggesting it was special and an exception to the norm of what he generally sees. Sometimes I think I'm not strict or demanding enough with the boys in a certain way. But I also tend to believe that they won't grow up with certain emotional baggage I might have had because I'm accessible, believe in them and always want to be in mutual understanding with them. Will it be enough to ensure their success? I don't know, but it's what I'm going with.

funeral

Funerals are never great. But the one I attended today was just terrible. There really wasn't anyone in this woman's life who could have gotten up and told a story? Shared a sweet memory? Her own children? Instead we listened to the Rabbi summarize this woman's life with a couple of acts of kindness, not to be undermined by any means, and all of her sicknesses. Generous with platitudes and grasping with effort, but he could offer up not much real to hang onto. There really wasn't one person who could have said a few words who actually loved her...?

It dawned on me in one sentence, that there really might not have been anyone in the isolation of her years and years of sickness. The Rabbi remarked, "she needed her children during years her children needed her...." And she didn't work outside of the home. I think on top of being emotional, the family was exhausted and in no condition to speak. Now at just 52 years old, she was dead.

The misfortune and magnitude of sickness is huge. I'm not saying she could have helped it but just have to say. In order to live the best lives possible, we all need to take care.

goal oriented

You get more done with spelled out goals. I was always practicing and getting hours in. But now it's 10:30 and I had two hours on the piano already. I'll get in 2 hours, this afternoon, and 2 hours tonight.  So there you go. By Saturday night, January 31, even if drastically under tempo in parts, that Carter needs to be in my fingers.

controls

It's funny. I was relieved to figure out that the browsing had been Jake's. For hubby, he would have felt better if it had been Belac. I personally do not worry about Belac being gay. I don't think he is, but if it turns out that he is, it's really okay with me. BUT. It is too young for him to be looking up and watching things about sex, and I would have been alarmed if this had been Belac's search.

For Jake, who is 13 going on 14, this curiosity is age appropriate. But we need some parental controls here! It's amazing how easily accessible graphic and explicit images and clips are. One iPad -hubby's work one - is now hidden, password changed, and out of commission. The family iPad now has Safari disabled and YouTube app deleted. Everything can only be searched via the NetNanny browser. It means that when you type in Sexy Nude Blonde, you get youtube videos on how to bleach the hair on your head, with the occasional 'sexy' video listed but unavailable.

So there you go. He'll still see stuff, for sure. He'll see things at friends' houses and maybe even this desktop, which doesn't have NetNanny but is out in the open for all to see. It's just good - in general - to make that black hole harder to access.

7 am

So, I told him, I had an opportunity to see what you were looking at, yesterday. And just how much time was spent on the iPad over all. His face went red. I had asked him for 5 minutes out on the porch and we were sitting on the couch. I don't have a problem with being curious and looking at stuff, but first of all, what you saw was hard core and not the behavior of real intimate interactions. Porn is meant to shock and entertain. None of those people love each other....  Second of all, we have to make sure you use your time more wisely.

I know it was a snow day. You didn't have homework and you helped me A LOT. But you could have also called a friend over. Figured out a song on the piano. Gotten on the treadmill. Built something. Watched a science program or movie. Played ping pong or basketball....

I got it mom, he said. Everyone was now in the kitchen and could possibly hear something.

Okay, good.

"Sexy nude blondes"

Downloading NetNanny on the iPads. Happened to look at my history and saw that a google search had resulted in the most disgusting pictures and videos of sex acts, this afternoon. I'm fine with curiosity and looking things up and even seeing things. But this is hard porn and not for the eyes of a 13 year old - or most people - for that matter! We figured out it was the 13 year old.

Well, I quipped, now we know he likes blondes!

Hubby would be happy to throw these devices out! Aside from this incident, they have wreaked such havoc and wasted precious time in our lives!

Hard practice

The boys spent hours with me outside over our drive. Mostly Jake.  We went out a few times to chip at the ice. And for that, as a surprise, I'm giving them both a little cash. They went above and beyond and worked hard, today. Belac insisted on shoveling part of Mrs. Collins' sidewalk. Jake ran loads of laundry and they both folded. They had still a lot of down and fun time, but they really helped!

Meanwhile, it was like I had spent no time on the Carter, yesterday. It's one of those pieces. I spent most of this afternoon going over passage after tedious passage. It's growing on me - it has to - but I need it to become part of me and for this I need hours of daily repetition.  I have put myself on a strict practicing schedule. It doesn't matter how I do it, but  I need to get in 4-6 hours of practice everyday and touching all of my rep on a daily basis.

I am so not being paid enough for the next concert.

remembered

She looks beautiful in all of the photos posted. Hard to believe that she's gone. I really did not know her beyond some chattiness, bumping into her now and again, and the babysitting room at high holiday services. Still, it effects you. She was in her late 50s. Her kids are still in high school. It's sad.

When I die, I hope that my kids will be contributing members of society, with partners, friends and hopefully kids of their own. I hope they will be happy and kind. I hope that generations of students will enjoy playing the piano until they're old and grey. And that the special needs service and the programs I helped arrange have lasting impact. Honestly, no one's going to say, she was an amazing pianist, there was no one like her...! There are so many glamorous female Asian pianists out there in their off the shoulder gowns and beautiful, tight skin. My group has an influx of amazing talent. What do they really need me for? The other parts of my life... that's where I contribute meaningfully.

Belac and Ian building outside in the drifts of snow from the plow. They are so creative together! About to check our pantry for hot cocoa.... How lucky we ended up in this walking town.

snow day

Good luck, I chuckled as I hung up and finally turned around from the pot on the stove. Hubby was standing and waiting on me. Did you just call... Mrs. Collins?! I shrugged, yes. She's the only one whose driveway and sidewalk are worse than ours...! I just reminded her that we're right next door if she needs us. This storm sounds crazy, you know? And she just had hip surgery in November. Oh God, Gimky!!  You're all over the community...! he shook his head but smiled as he went along his way.

What a let down this storm was! Did we even get 6 inches of the expected 24-36? But breakfast was at 9:30 in pjs with the kids majorly goofing off. Hubby upstairs working. Now bundling up with the boys to shovel. I love snow days.

early dismissal

Call at 1PM. Mom? Can I go to Ian's house? Yes! We are going to Ian's orthodontist appointment for a few minutes and then we're going back to his house, okay? Yes. Belac, it's okay with his mom? Yes, it's okay with his mom.

We hung up. Ian and Belac have been friends for years. His mom, Lulu, and I are fairly close. Her hubby runs with my hubby. But we had not had the conversation about Casper.  I reasoned that the boy would not be there. He lives not in walking distance away and there was a storm coming. I also didn't worry about Belac and Ian, who we are close with. In the past week, Belac had told me that Ian was the one friend he had that would never make him do anything he didn't want.... I believe that, too, and had to agree.

There's supposed to be ridiculous snow and we are all settled in. I am happy to relax, having gotten a solid 6 hours of practice on just the Carter, today. I am determined to conquer that thing. I am physically feeling better, in a good place with the kids, and now need to be super focused.

Counting my blessings.

thank you

Dear Aydin,

Thank you, once again, for volunteering for the Special Needs Service!

It might not seem like a big deal to you, given that you have much 'harder' things on your plate to conquer day-to-day, but a kid like you showing up for SNP is so invaluable. As you probably realize, many of the kids - for which this service is especially designed - never attend synagogue outside of SNP.  Most (along with their parents) are working towards forming stronger ties to their Jewish heritage and building their own synagogue community. However, it's really not enough that they get together on their own. That these kids can come to SNP to be among good role models on how to behave and interact, and to be made to feel welcome, comfortable and unjudged in a new environment, is just huge for these kids and their families. 

I really appreciate how you were able to sit with Max at the table, last night, over the activity sheets. It speaks volumes to his family that there was a kid his age with him, who was unafraid and comfortable and cared about their son's experience. And even though he can't express it, it matters immensely to Max because he's learning from you to be more comfortable. I really can't thank you enough for being that role model and also, for the great help you've been to me on this initiative from Day 1.

Thank you so much, Aydin! You're the best!

Gimky

nor'easter prep

I had just finished chopping up whatever ice I could at the foot of the drive and our sidewalk, when the code enforcer dropped by. Of course! He always knows we are good for a ticket. He stepped out of his car and studied our strip of sidewalk. Hey! Hello...! I called out in a cheerful voice, almost running down our drive. He behaved as if he hadn't heard me, popped right back into his car and zoomed off. Hm. Not sure if we'd be getting a ticket, but I decided to snap a few photos. If he had looked carefully, he would see that the entire area had been heavily slathered with a salt/calcium chloride/sand mix....

We live midway up a hill. It means melting snow runs down our long, steep driveway but freezes during the night. From street level, we are also midway down a hill, but the road dips where our driveway meets the road. A lot of water from every direction pools and freezes on our drive and then leaks down our sidewalk. It's hazardous. This year I knew to buy a self standing sign. DANGER! SLIPPERY!

Still, I am excited about the coming blizzard. The snow is so pretty and magical, the kids always go out with hubby for some big snowball fight. I make a big pot of soup and bread we eat all day long while being stupid and lazy by the fire. I just had to step out to pick up some pasta and ground beef. What I found out there, of course, was suburbia at its worst! Everyone was out and the lines were 15 carts deep. All around people were hoarding food like they would be paralyzed for a month. It's just 2 days, peoples!

It's starting to snow more heavily. The kids are going to be home soon and hubby will be home early. I just started the bread and am running loads of laundry. Let the fun begin!

Fam

After teaching til 2 it was family time. Helped Belac make an Egyptian grass boat for a project.  Hubby helped with Jake's math midterm. Dinner on our laps by a fire and a stupid movie (the book of life) that redeemed itself with one scene, about accepting oneself. An email. The star of 8 days of Hanukkah has died. After the snowstorm, I'm going to a funeral.

I love my parents, my siblings, our friends. But at the end of the day, first and foremost, I am devoted to my sons and hubby. I have a gazillion people I don't know well who want to friend me on FB. I have my hand in a lot of things and get sucked in. But my little group needs me and me them.  Tonight, Belac came to me. Mom, thank you for helping me with my boat! Yes that pain in the ass boat!!!  And when I was sick, Jake came and sat nearby just to hang and talk.

There's a pecking order. My family first. My boys and hubby. Then everyone else.

2 weeks

attendance and volunteer record

A FB friend asked for prayers and light for her mom, a couple of weeks ago, who was having surgery for a stent. Pretty routine, these days. A couple of days later, the mom was in ICU. Then out of ICU, then back in. It was all supposed to be routine but there were snags and set backs. I had no idea how serious. This morning, I opened FB. "We are undone. Mom passed away last night. She felt all of your love and light to the very end and we thank you....."

Isn't it the most unexplainable thing about life? That one day all is fine, and another day the world has fallen apart.

It certainly sheds harsh perspective on the everyday worries.

The service last night was beautiful. I was totally emotional when I was able to coax Max to come up and attach some pictures to the felt board, leading him up each time. This is a kid who spent the first few services crying about being someplace new and playing with his trains, anywhere but near anyone else. He is autistic and has limited language at age 14. Last night, he was actually sitting in the 2nd row next to his sister, among all of the other kids and was a productive participant. His mom was close but across the aisle, and she was beaming and smiling from ear to ear. Meanwhile, there was another new boy running around and around, calling out and not able to stop. The mom was chasing him and trying to shush him.  Don't worry, about it, I took the mom aside, just let him run. He's not bothering anyone. I bet next time he will be a little better, and then the next time and the next....  As a more senior mother among the bunch, I realized I had less emotional perspective. As far as I was concerned, I considered this first visit a success! He walked in here, had an amazingly controlled and productive 10 minutes, and still seemed happy enough despite now being unstoppable. 

I had had built in social time. A little noshing for all and a little wine for the parents. People are really coming and responding to this monthly event. And my boys really help me so much.

My point is. At the end of the day, the only important thing that matters is the people you surround yourself with. Build your community with people you love and appreciate. 

off my chest

I hate Cigna. Though I've been told it's no worse than any other company, I still hate Cigna.

Opened my mail, this morning. Six claims attributed to the wrong child. AGAIN. The same 4 from before that were supposedly corrected and 2 new ones! And then MORE denials that Belac is actively insured.

I can assure you we aren't doing this on purpose, the guy on the line told me. Silence and clicking, I really have never seen anything like this, he told me, absorbed in my file. This is just so weird, he commented, still later, while reading aloud and scrolling through notes. I am putting in a request to have your entire file reset, there's gotta be some bug running on it....

And you know what else? We are still so far away from fulfilling our out of network deductible. You know why? YOU KNOW WHY? I finally figured out why. Because even though the CBT charges $375 a session and we pay $375 a session, the insurance credits us as having paid $200 towards the deductible. Even though his neurologist charges $395, the insurance only credits us $220 to the deductible. The insurance companies really make it impossible for us. Impossible. And then even though his heart specialist accepts insurance, we are still billed $500 afterwards, every single annual visit. It is so damn confusing! How then does even going with someone who takes insurance help? Why am I not told beforehand what the visit is going to cost, why am I always reacting. And you  know what else? That 500 bucks paid to the specialist is not applied to any deductible either!

Our health system in the US is seriously f'ed up. Seriously. It is confusing, opaque and frighteningly expensive. I said to the guy. You can see why this persistent administrative problem is only adding to our stress, right? Yes, yes, came the answer, I am so sorry. If you guys can't get this right, I asked, what else aren't you getting right?

memorable

An amazing day. Just everything about it. So grateful.

5 minute post

Supposed to be up at 5:30, not 3AM. I was hot, I was cold. Was this menopause? I calculated I earned 500 dollars less this week by being sick. Then realized I should cancel make up lessons, this afternoon. There's no way I could otherwise still be standing by end of day.

My situation is only amazing because hubby makes what he does and has health insurance, I continued thinking in the worst ways because that's what happens when your mind wanders in the middle of the night. My income is icing on the cake in our situation. Not so for people trying to support families on it. No work, no pay. And no health insurance.

Worried about having a voice today. Still saying barely a word and drinking several cups of tea.... Wondered why anyone would offer to help support Belac's therapy, but then never bring it up again. See how dangerous this is getting? But we are very proud. And it's not the money really that we need. We have money. In fact, we have that account we had forgotten about. Almost 10 years worth of his birthday money and gift money that will cover almost all of his therapy. It's huge! Over 9K. That's family and community support, right there.

I am so grateful we save for rainy days and can. I am so grateful it doesn't really matter that I earned 500 dollars less, this week, and we can still pay our bills.

Now all dressed up like I'm going to a job interview! Ready to cover that class, first thing, and maybe win that school over.

Bike seats

"10 best bike seats for Men"

Why is your sister so concerned about my parts??!!  hubby exclaimed when I showed him this link she forwarded.

Uh. I think she might be reading my blog....

Oh My God, Gimky!!

I could only laugh.

We have to figure out how to download that thing....  he chuckled.

To bed

Going to bed. I shouldn't have gone on this field trip but really had no choice. Everyone came to the house, I drove and was the point person. After 2 hours on my feet in a cold warehouse, I was just dying. It was painful to drop everyone home, get some pizzas in the oven and wait for the last child to get picked up. I was never so happy to see hubby home. I feel like I was run over by a truck.

Tomorrow I get up at 5:30am. I need an hour to myself to organize my instruments, drink lots of tea and put together an appropriate, clean outfit. I basically work until 7pm tmw. Damn this cold or whatever it is. Can't wait til tmw night.

code

Both boys now know that if there is an uncomfortable situation they find themselves in outside of the house, all they need to do is call me or hubby. "Am I supposed to be home right now to walk the dog?" they should ask. The answer will always be yes, and we will come right over by car to pick up.

And it goes without saying, there are now rules at home, both spoken and unspoken.

Food Bank

Organized a field trip to the Foodbank, today, complete with chaperones and car pooling. 14 kids and 4 adults from Hebrew School. I have Jake walking over to the middle school and gathering the 6th graders, later, and walking them to our house. We will all have snack and some running around before packing up and going.

It bothers me to no end what a bubble we live in. How everyone talks and does little. And I realized, somewhere along the line, I couldn't wait for others to do something. Even the ones that were being paid to do something. So we are going to the Foodbank to work for 2 hours, this afternoon. There is also now a huge acts of kindness board I made. Everyone from the 6th grade has colorful circles on which to write their daily acts of kindness for the board, and before the end of June, it should be a huge beautiful record of their good actions. And tomorrow there is the Special Needs Service I am running and am most proud of. It's growing into this strong, sweet community filled with special needs kids, their siblings serving as neurotypical buddies, kid volunteers from the community and all of their families. Non members have been attending from other parts of Westchester and I'm just thrilled it is serving a need.

I told Jake, yesterday. The way to organize people and to minimize the effort, is to be super organized, yourself. I - like you - was not born naturally organized. But one day, I found reason to be. I needed to pay my rent on a small freelance salary, then having kids and keeping track of everything between the two of you.... I changed my ways over time and my life improved because of it. And you know what? I found that I had more time for others and all this volunteering has really made me feel good, I feel like I can make a difference in this world.

So many people whine and complain and yack. I have less and less patience for it. I hope and pray that both of my boys grow up to DO and will always be part of the solution.

Mommy and Me

On vocal rest and fluids all day. Yesterday it was my adult privates i missed. Today, I was on the fence about canceling. In 5 years of teaching at this school, I have never missed a day. Never. I offered to come in, but they took one listen to me and insisted, please stay in bed and don't come near us. A blessing because I got an email last night. Could I cover a Mommy and Me class at a sister school in Greenwich tmw, when I'm already in the area? Of course! I wrote back.

I know about that job. I was offered an impressive hourly rate for a few classes at the Greenwich school but they were very apologetic, telling me they might be able to give me more money or classes in the future. I couldn't understand it. I was happy and getting paid more than anyone I knew doing this sort of thing. If there is later more money or classes, we can adjust, I had simply said, but for now I'm good with this. I then found out from the secretary, why the school's reality was so skewed. They were paying the teacher coming from Manhattan at the sister school almost 4 times as much as me, at almost 500/ hour! My mouth fell to the ground. That is outrageous! I didn't say.

Wouldn't you want to see what a 500/hour class looks like! If it's truly that one-of-a-kind or an outright scam? Even accounting for all the instruments we provide, lesson planning and travel expenses, that is so much, too much. The secretary further elaborated. The school - along with the camp -  realizes they really can't grow their music program along with their school and camp, or have money left over to incorporate music or the arts in other ways because the guy is not flexible with his rate. Of course I want to get my foot in there, somehow. I especially love these classes with the young kids, am really, really good at them - even if I say so myself - and need and want to work more, especially when it does not take me away from the boys. Not to mention, that I'm clearly a great bang for the buck! They'll get 4 hours of quality instruction, jam packed with musical games, interaction and fun out of me for his one hour. This elaboration from the secretary, from months ago, is truly a gift in preparing for tomorrow.

Now steeping my tea and working on the best Mommy-and-Me class ever.

Fire side

With the fam by the fire. Jake reading, Belac drawing, hubby and I hanging and sipping a beer. We have a box of chocolate covered pretzels out. I've learned to occasionally break out the holiday treats from students or it just goes into the trash after sitting around all year. Such a nice way to end the day.

out for lunch

Jake arrived home at 10:45 from his midterm. I was in a hot bath. Mom? he said through the door, I'm home!

How was it? I asked. Fine, he replied from the other side, harder than yesterday's. I almost didn't have time to finish. Really? Well, there was an extended answer on two reading passages at the end, I couldn't believe it, the test was so LONG!! You didn't have time to look over your answers? No, but I was reading and re-reading the questions carefully the first time around, so I think that's why this happened. I think you're allowed extra time on your exams, aren't you...? I don't know. Do you think extra time would have helped? Well, I had time yesterday to go over all my questions and I didn't change any answers. So I think I would have done the exact same thing... Okay. But in Science tomorrow, if you find yourself rushed or in need of extra time, speak up, okay? Okay.

Are you feeling better? tables turned. A little.... Well, you should go back to sleep, Mom. You don't have to stay up for me. Okay... Are you hungry? I asked. Let's go into town for lunch, ok? Take a break, study a little and then we'll go out, ok? Ok.

We settled into a booth. This isn't shabby, Jake announced with a chuckle and a smile, and it's so warm! I listened to him chatter. Mom, he kept asking, is there a design flaw in something in your life that frustrates you? If you could solve any problem in the world, what would it be? (Cure cancer, help kids with autism, all medical.... ) He wants to invent something and I listened to his ideas. He told me all about what he's been reading lately. 3D printed limbs that you put together like a puzzle, wind powered cars and how it works, converting urine to drinking water, road rage and soundproof windows.... He really has crawled out of his shell over the years, and what has emerged is a curious, engaged, happy - and still sensitive - kid. I was also supremely grateful and amazed that he bagged all the groceries at the store, helped me carry them to and from car, and then walked the dog around the block. All with nary a nudge.

But lest fate decide to hand me a doozy to put me in my place, I feel the need to temper my satisfaction at observing this. But you know what? F it. I am allowed to be proud and happy about how far my son has come, and what a good kid he is growing up to be He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but what we've got is pretty darn good.

I am so lucky for these two beautiful kids in my life.

sick

Jakey, I asked, when you barged into Belac's room when Casper was over, what did you see? Anything unusual? We chatted. As normal as your brother might seem to you, you know he's special needsy. He doesn't always know what's going on and doesn't always know how to stand up for himself. You are the big kid among the bunch, all of Belac's friends really look up to you! And so it's up to you to do something, tell someone, if and when you see something that doesn't seem right. And if someone is mistreating your brother, I fully expect you to stand up for him.

He nodded and seemed slightly alarmed. Mom, why can't we just tell all of his friends? Look, shaming someone solves nothing, and he probably has problems of his own. We don't know exactly how everything happened, we weren't there. Accusations are serious and you can't take them back. But what we do know is enough to learn from. Belac was asked to do things he didn't feel comfortable about and did anyway. That's not right. He can't let that happen to him again. No true friend would force you to do something or endure something against your will. Whether it's over drugs or stealing or anything else.... I expect you to protect yourself and remove yourself from bad situations, ok? You both have a lot to live for.

Hubby came home early and skipped out of a meeting upon hearing I was sick. Last night I heard happy chatter over dinner. Then hubby figuring out math with Belac. When hubby tried to shoo them both off to bed early, by 8:30PM, I heard Bealc say he needed to come say good night. Both of my sweet boys appeared at my bedside to give me air kisses. 'I hope you feel better, mom' Belac told me. Later, in the middle of the night when Jake couldn't sleep, we went downstairs and drank some milk. It makes me happy that the boys and I are close.

This morning I got up just to send the kids off to school. I cancelled everything. I have an ear ache, sore throat, running nose, probably a fever, and a wicked pain in my neck like whiplash that is attached to my earache. Jake walked the dog for me without one complaint. Why aren't you staying home? I asked hubby, you're sick, too! When I'm sick, we all manage. But when you're sick, the whole family suffers and starts falling apart. Hubby urged, go to bed, sweetie pie!

So I went back to bed until Belac's teachers called - this morning - to discuss the detention he earned, yesterday. Yes, detention. I knew because Belac had told me all about what had happened, yesterday. I love these teachers who called, they totally mean well. And no matter what is going on in Belac's life, he has to be respectful and in control in other parts of his life. But I couldn't even say one fricking anything about any of this! A story for another day.

Txt

Sis: Bored. Pts cancelled bc of weather. How r u?

Me: be glad you're bored. Go read my blog.

Sis: Belac hasn't been threatening to kill himself, has he?

Me: go read my blog, back to dec. it's something else.

Sis: hey!!! Call me!! Is Belac okay???? Is everything ok??? What does the psychiatrist say??

Me: We are at the therapists office. He is advising me on how to talk to the other boys parents.

Sis: Scary. I feel like it could go badly.

Sis: Are you close to the other family? Do you know them socially? Is Caleb ok? Is he upset about what happened?

Me: Yeah things pretty much suck. Driving home now.

Soo: Thinking of you- let me know what the psychiatrists says. If you have time tomorrow-Wed morning before 10am-text me. I am leaving here at 10:30am to head into city to pick up puppy! xo

Me: Awesome! I have a fever and chills. I learned things today in Caleb's appt and watched him weep and become hostile. I am having a shot of scotch (my dad's advice to kill germs) and off to bed. Trying to stay level heDed. I will call you tmw before you go. It's like never ending with this kud. I have to live forever. I am so overwhelmed. But I will prob feel better in the morn. Thx Soo, xx

Soo: Oh my goodness! Please call me- I want to help you so much! xo

Soo: have hubby make you fresh chicken broth - this really helps!!

Me: ok, thx Soo! Talk to you in the morn. xx

doc appointment

So now hubby is scheduled for a consult with someone else on Thursday for something else doctor found. Not an appointment, even, hubby noted, but a consult. I'm a little worried, hubby told me by phone as he drove to work.

Look, I told him. You're in great shape! But we could still really improve our diet and make it easier on our bodies. Less meat, more fruits and veggies, less alcohol, less coffee, more water, more sleep.... Let's just focus on the things we can do. Worrying won't help, let's just see what this guy says on Thursday.

I so want to quit my chamber group in Boston.

update

Hi Dr. WiseMan,

Hope you had a great week end.

Just wanted to touch base before Belac's session with you, today.

I learned a little more about Belac's playdate, and believe they may have had clothes off at some point.... I do want to stress with Belac 2 points. 1) that his body is his temple and he should not engage in activity he doesn't want or knows is not right (of course the underlying issue is, he needs to be confident with himself and not worry so much about people liking and including him), 2) he is too young to be engaging in sexual behavior with another individual. (FYI - I said he needs to wait until he is an adult, and he agreed. Whether that is 13, 16, 18 or 21, we didn't clarify, but he understands, he's not an adult, yet.) Also, 3) to be reminded that he has trusted adults (mom, dad, you) he can talk things over with, if he finds himself in confusion, etc. Another very important point: what happened was serious and not right. Belac is not allowed to now turn around and initiate/coerce this kind of sexual play with another kid. *If someone says no, it's NO.*

That said, my attention now turns to this boy. A trusted friend of ours was troubled to hear that this boy told Belac, after Belac expressed not wanting to get onto the top bunk with him, "It will be quick." Her gut and emotional reaction upon hearing "it will be quick" was that this excuse was something this boy had been told before. That this was learned behavior. She urged me to act in the best interest of this child, too, and consider also that this boy may be a victim of abuse. He just turned 11, FYI. (Belac is turning 12 in February.)

I have said nothing to the parents or anyone with direct contact with the boy. I do not want to over react to an incident that may be in the realm of normal and curious play, but do feel I need to at least allude to something, eventually, with his parents. (i.e. play of a sexual nature?) Especially because the kids have 6 more years of school together and because the boys have a lot of mutual friends. I don't want to regret not having said anything if something troubling or similarly confusing occurs in the future again with Belac or with another of Belac's friends. Your thoughts on how to approach this would be really appreciated.

Thank you so much.

Gimky

early good night

Thanks for the praise, Mom...!

I laughed. Who is training who? I wondered. This kid is just the sweetest, funniest thing and remarkably thoughtful, more and more. He has midterms starting tomorrow, and he's been studying hours a day. I have been overseeing, just making sure he is checking off the gazillion things on his list and follows the midterm schedule we made. Of course, Jacoby! I kissed him and tussled his hair. I'm so proud of you, you've been working so hard! I have been, he agreed. By the way, I forgot to look up one thing about the battle of such and such. Do you want me to remind you in the morning? Yes, it won't take long, he told me sleepily.

What a good week end together and with our friends. Our last hours of vacay together next to the fire. Jake reading and Belac drawing, showing me his pictures. Now both boys in bed, lights out. Hubby in bed, even earlier. He's feverish and not feeling great. Tomorrow he sees the doctor at the crack of dawn for another blood test over his thyroid. Maybe you should post pone it? I asked, get some sleep?

Off to bed, myself. Health is wealth. The most important thing of all.

1 mile a day

Was she... weeping?

Gimky, you don't know this, but there is incest in my family.... Her face was suddenly red and splotchy. I'm just going to tell you that incest, it is a serious problem.... To tell Belac that it would be 'quick'?! That's learned behavior. You just don't know how to say that at 11. It's been said to this boy and I'm certain he is a victim of sexual abuse. This is not experimentation, this is learned behavior.

We were at Kiki's, celebrating hers and hubby's bday. We had just poured some wine and were settling into their couches. The boys were running around upstairs, and the 4 of us were downstairs catching up. She had wanted to know about our challenging week I had alluded to. Hubby and I exchanged long glances. And for this, I started from the beginning of the school year.  The story of a kid calling him autistic and our first discussions about autism. (Was this around the time I had a conniption fit at their house?) To his trying to figure out the special needs and wondering and worrying if he'd be able to live a 'normal' life, to the end of year problem with Casper not talking to him and kind of monopolizing all of their mutual friends, including their son. A devastating few weeks for Belac, who has the overwhelming need and desire to be like everyone else and be liked.  And then, to the playdate of last Wednesday.

Obviously if he came downstairs with a broken arm or a bleeding anus, her hubby noted, you'd speak up, but.... And if he were a girl, i added, I'd be less hesitant about calling the parents to chat.... We don't want to over react, hubby commented, because there is a certain kind of experimentation that's natural. And I'm afraid Belac will be blamed and he doesn't have the skills to advocate and defend himself, I had to admit. But the 'it will be quick'...?! Kiki interrupted, Gimky, have you thought of calling Child Protective services and getting advice about this? No...!! Do you think you need to tell the school?? her hubby asked. There's the piece about getting Belac help and support, but what about this kid, who clearly needs help and might be in a terrible situation at home? We can't forget him! I looked at Kiki, who I had never seen so upset. I realized this was all hitting a little too close to home.

Tomorrow, Belac is meeting with his therapist. Then the therapist and I will talk. In the meantime, Belac is on the treadmill. Why? he asked me. Because you need to get stronger and bigger and hungrier, I explained as I helped him find a pace. 1 mile a day.

dreary Sunday

Posted the summary of this 75 year long study from Harvard about what makes men flourish.

My mom comments publicly: I agree but why taking 75 years? when I seen my own son-in-Law how they love and enjoy to play with their children & you see the wonderful smiile on his face you know their are very happy father.

Me: The kids are lucky for sure! :) I haven't read the study yet but a study over 75 years is rare and this one attempts to observe and quantify the long term effects of parental nurturing. There's a lot of writing about emboldening girls these days, not so much about boys and since I have boys.... :)

Reading in between the lines and discerning meaning from my mom's pidgin English, I can appreciate the positive sentiment she expresses towards hubby and BIL. But my mom obviously didn't read the blurb. If she had, she would know that there was significant focus on a mom's relationship with her sons. And a wife's relationship with her hubby. The article wasn't intended to send any message to her, it was just an article I found interesting about the long term affects of parental nurture.

Sometimes, I just wish she'd read with the intent to help solve her own problems or figure out what she's supposed to be doing. There is such a wealth of information on the internet at the privacy of our own fingertips. Why can't she take the driver's seat on her life's direction? She really is incapable of applying any learning to herself. Is this somehow due to this very lack of 'warm relationships' in my mom's own childhood?

I cancelled all of my lessons, today, after my first student slipped and slid on our driveway with hubby and his grandfather. Everything is completely iced over, with every entrance to our house accessible only via this ice skating rink. Our driveway is long and steep, completely dangerous in this weather. Today, we are an island unto ourselves and this is why we cannot age in this house.

night out!

Wow. Am I ever emotionally and physically exhausted. Belac was invited to be off with Ethan. Jake, hubby and I snuck out for a quick walk on the Hudson River. The sweeping view from the ramble was beautiful and walking under the big blue sky in the quiet was just the thing. I felt a temporary peace come over me. I was in no rush to go anywhere. Could we just stay awhile? And then we kept going, arm in arm with hubby, then with Jake. No one was around and the dog was happily off leash for a good part of the time.

Tonight, we attend a wine tasting Dot 'won' at a charity event to support a school for troubled kids. It's our usual group of chummy people and it'll be fun. Afterwards, we'll walk over to a local place for sushi. It's wild how close Dot and I have become in 5 years and how important and strong the ties have become between our kids and spouses. Ethan is as true as true can be with my boys. Her daughter has come to trust me. We like Dot's bf, an unassuming, great, but not entirely pc kind of guy. And when I couldn't make sense of what Belac told me the other night? She was my first phone call. Then second and third, as I continued to piece together pieces of Belac's story.

On another note, I have become overwhelmed with primarily one fucking impossible piece I have to learn. Thinking about how I can ever master that thing makes my blood pressure rise, and it happens to be a big concert. I should have been working on this months ago, and did not understand the magnitude of hard it would be until I seriously started looking at it. Much as I want and maybe need, I simply cannot take all of those violin students that magically fell into my lap.

Tant pis!

Tgif

And life goes on. Ian has been hanging with Belac. And I caught a glimpse of Jake running around the soccer field with his buddies. Ian had forgotten something for Science and I drove him back briefly. I studied Jake who was holding his own and very happy looking. Now all dolled up and hubby showering after a 20 mile bike ride. The 4 of us are soon heading into the city, where we will eat steaks at Del Frisco's, a restaurant we have a 13 year history love affair with, and walk around Times Square at night, the kids favorite evening activity.

Up and down and up and down. Still, life is good. We are supremely lucky we are all in this together.

good friends

It's amazing how upset Soo was. She sees this situation as Belac being taken advantage of. Did you check for penetration? What...? No!! I mean, really?! I mean, do their parts function like adults yet...? Gimky, you can't keep your mouth shut, you have to talk to the mother! I explained to her why it was important to tread lightly. How easily this could turn into accusations and  assumptions that could inevitably harm either or both kids, and drag their mutual friends into this.That I couldn't take back anything after saying it and that keep in mind, my son is unable to adequately advocate for himself, and if things somehow got out of control and he had to somehow defend his word, I didn't want that either. How I wanted to do right thing by both kids. However, she clearly viewed this kid as somewhat of a predator. I mean, if he penetrated Belac, that would be considered rape, right? He knows your son is special needs, Gimky!! Would Belac tell you if he was in any physical pain? And this from a mom of a profoundly autistic 11 year old boy and 14 year old, who they suspect is gay.

Interesting how when I called Dot, immediately after this all happened and I couldn't reach hubby who was on a plane, she was in the tread lightly camp. Son of Ethan, next POTUS, and 14 year old dot on the spectrum. Trying to understand and listening fiercely, she was clearly speechless when I've never known her to be speechless. You need to talk to his therapist, she told me.

And today, I chatted with Kati, who was walking her dog. Oh, God! From the sound of your voice talking about this, I worried you were going to tell me something like this! Did you talk to his therapist? And what does hubby say?

Hubby doesn't want to overreact either. But we agree playdates need to be properly supervised and Belac is not allowed to go over to this boy's house. For now we will just mull over things and get his therapist's opinion after he's had a chance to meet with Belac, who continues to ask me if he's ok. Yes, you are, I reassure him.

untangling

What makes the situation tricky is that they are boys. If this had happened with a girl, I would have a little talk with the parents about what happened, we'd maybe even giggle and agree about keeping a watchful eye on the kids.

But in this case, I don't know this boys parents well at all. He's new to the neighborhood. What I do know, is that his stepdad he lives with is a son of a preacher. And so bringing up this situation might really not be in the best interest of the boy, at least not in explicit detail. It could so easily get sidetracked into people's fears of their kid being homosexual. And the very last thing I want is a song and dance of he said - he said, who is influencing who or is to blame for potentially homosexual behavior, when that's really beside the point. The point is. When someone says no, it's no. And in Belac's case, I don't care how much you want someone to like you, listen to what your heart is telling you. Also, they are 11. It's too young to be engaging in this behavior.

It's not that I'm shrugging and thinking, okay, my kid is gay, fine. I don't know that he is gay, but if it turns out that he is, I'm okay with that. I have long tried to envision Belac as a grown up and know that the trappings of a traditional life with the white picket fence is probably not going to be his. And you know? I generally see gay people as a very creative, independent thinking group and a generally welcoming and very strong community. It would be a bigger hurdle for hubby to get comfortable with a gay son, but I know he'd eventually come around. For me, the most important thing is that Belac is happy and stable and true to himself. It's the only way he will be able to make real attachments and find love.

Blows my mind, though. Here I thought this kid was a bully, when it's also quite possible that he simply loves Belac, a very sweet, unjudgmental kid. I pointed out to hubby, this morning. I never ignored someone I didn't love.

changes

I was called to do a jingle for a commercial, today. And yesterday, the local violin teacher called  to tell me she just got a public school job to start in a few weeks. How many of her 12 violin students - all of whom I've accompanied at her student recitals over the years - could I take over for her? She was giving up all of her privates and it was likely many would want to come to me. Unbelievable.

So things to think about. And in light of all going on with Belac, I really wish I didn't have to spend 4 weeks away in Boston from now to June. This might be the year that I give up the group - after more than 14 years!! I know the Carter is kicking my ass and I'm not in the right state of mind, so I'll just restrain myself. Let's just say, I have things to think about.

a mother's worry

Dear Dr. WiseMan,

Hope you are well.

We have a situation that I'd like to discuss with you.

Things are better with the boy, Casper, in that he's no longer ignoring Belac. Yesterday, the mother was going to be late picking up her son from their shared video club. The boy wanted to come to our house and I obviously thought that it was great for him to come for an hour.

The kids came home and the boy went immediately upstairs to Belac's room and Belac eventually followed. Belac is a follower, as you know. I later went to check on them and the door was closed, unusual because Belac never closes his door, but because there was laughing and chatter, I didn't think much of anything. Soon they were downstairs and it was more what our playdates typically look like. Snack, playing games on the computer, looking at videos the boys made....

Driving home after dropping the boy off, we chatted about his time. Was it fun? it's better right? And by the way, I asked, what were you doing upstairs? At first he was hesitant to tell me. Don't get mad, okay, mom? Of course not! I shrugged. I didn't think anything, just that they were probably playing games on this kid's phone when they shouldn't be.

Turns out, however, the boy apparently told Belac he wanted to have sex. And encouraged Belac to get on the top bunk with him. He didn't want to but the boy said it would be "quick" and Belac complied. They ended up on top of each other in just their underwear. He felt Belac's privates and Belac felt back. And after a while, Belac told me it got boring and he wanted to stop. They did. He told me he felt bad about it and asked me several times, last night, if he was still "ok". I said yes and reassured him.

Putting aside my shock that this experience was with a boy and they seemed to be too young, my bigger concern (understanding that Belac was probably at least a little curious and it takes two to tango) is Belac's general naivete and his inability in general to stand up for himself given how much he wants and needs others to like him. He even did say he didn't want to go up on that bunk, but the boy was able to convince him to get up there. The problem, now, is that this kid already knows that he has a certain power over Belac, given the events of the past weeks and now yesterday, and I believe that part of his reconciliation with Belac happened in large part because his mother informed her son that Belac has special needs, high functioning autism. I worry because Belac is the kind of kid that is easily taken advantage of and I worry that this is the situation, in this case.

Of course, all playdates will now happen with open doors. I don't want to overreact because I know that a certain curiosity and experimentation at this age is probably natural. But it's a delicate situation with the parents who I don't know well, and for example, I do not want Belac over at their house without proper parental supervision or even at all, to be honest. And the truth is, I thought I was properly supervising but this happened on my watch....

Also, whereas I have previously discussed with Belac why sex at his age is not a good idea (i.e. you could get a girl pregnant) it was harder for him to understand the notion that you need emotional maturity to be able to handle physical intimacy. (i.e. a more general reason to not engage directly with girl OR boy). My rule with him, with a pinky promise last night, was that it was okay to be curious and okay to explore in private by himself and he could always come to me to talk about his situation and I'd never be mad, but as far as "sex" was with another person, I stressed he really needs to wait until he is an adult.

Thank you for your thoughts on this, advice on how I might handle the situation and hopefully, getting Belac to open up about this with you, next week.

Gimky

back to work

So believe it or not, Casper is over. Just passed Belac's room and I heard some imaginative play going on, cheering and discussion. They had both worked on a project at video club and Jasper, whose mom had to work late, needed a ride home from school.

Who could you ask for a ride from? his mom had asked, last night. Belac? he suggested, and maybe he could come over? So now I see, first hand, that things have healed. Listening outside Belac's door for a few seconds, it's like nothing bad had ever happened. They'll hang for an hour and then I'll give Casper a lift home. You know what? I am glad that I told Maddie about Belac and ASD. Both Belac and Casper are very creative individuals with interesting ideas, and I can see why they are drawn to each other. However, Casper is very mature for his age and articulate beyond his years. The ASD is not an excuse, but the kind of info that will hopefully help Casper understand some of Belac's quirky behavior.

I have so many notes to learn and spent most of the day at the piano. A little freaked out - in particular - by one 50 paged score of really intense and hard music. It is unrelentingly challenging and driven and I'm exhausted just listening to a recording and studying the score. It's like eating potatos for bkfst, lunch and dinner. It's not a usually played work and for good reason. I mapped out a practice schedule. Even if severely under tempo, I need all the notes in my fingers of that score in 2 weeks if I'm going to be ready to perform this huge program in March. I now have all my free time accounted for.

boys

Sent out invites for Belac's birthday in 2 weeks. We are doing the exact same thing as last year, riding go karts. It's what Belac wanted. However, this year he didn't want the girls and Flower, in particular. He knew he wouldn't be able to relax with the girls and the boys, knowing a couple of them are also in love with Flower. It's going to be fun, though. He's having a mix of both new and old 6th graders here, including Jasper who is back to being friends again.

Then remembered to make a dinner reservation for hubby's birthday. He won't be back in time for tomorrow so the week end will have to do.

My birthday is 3 weeks after Belac's. And then still a couple of weeks later is Jake's. I sat on his bed in the dark and we talked about it. Who he wanted to come and why. Mom, he told me, it's better and more fun when it's small, I really just want these 5 kids, the exact same kids Adrian had at his party.... It included a kid who pushed him into his locker in 5th grade. What? Really?? Mom, he's turned out to be nice now. He never brags about himself the way now Ben and Jared do, and he's really pretty funny! Do you want them to sleepover? I asked. He wasn't sure that kids really did that at his age, anymore. No, it's okay. A movie and dinner is good, I just don't know what movie. Well, we'll figure it out, I told him as he kept tugging at my arm, pleading for me to stay and talk. Since when has he gotten so chatty? And he's funny, too.

It's been quiet and kind of lonely without hubby around. He's always good for a laugh or a geeky science or math fact.... But in the meantime, the boys and I have had uninterrupted time to bond. Belac again wanted to talk about sex, tonight. Someone had told him it's bad and he asked me why it was bad. It's not bad, I told him, but having sex too early with someone is bad. You don't want to get a girl pregnant at your age! Oh yeah, Belac agreed, that would be bad! But there's been no drama over anything. Everyone just trying to get what they need to get done and some good conversations.

These years have just gone by so fast. Jake reminded me about what he loved so much at our old backyard. Remember how you wanted to give me a dime for every acorn I picked up, and thousands fell that year? They hurt when you walked on them. He described the trees he climbed in and made me remember and just feel being back there so vividly, it nearly took my breath away. That was the most amazing backyard! I exclaimed. It was amazing, Jake agreed.

We've been through a lot, together. And I have the very best boys in the whole wide world. Things have turned out better than I could have ever imagined. I love my boys!

good morning!

Belac off to school, last week

Hit doze 3 times. Finally when party music started blaring all over the house, I got up, handed Jake a towel and pushed him into the shower. Checked on Belac, he was sound asleep. Should I let him sleep? He was still up close to midnight, complaining of not being able to sleep.... Went down to cut up some fruit and pull out bread and nutella. Now sitting on Belac's bed. It was 7:04. Should I let him sleep?

I heard Jake leave the bathroom. C'mon sweetie! I decided, pulling him out of bed, then turned on the shower, leaving his clothes nearby. You're going to feel so much better after this....

At 7:12, everyone was downstairs eating. It really wasn't enough time for Belac, who pecked at his breakfast. Should I drive them so he'd have extra time to eat? But they both really need the fresh air and exercise. At 7:30, we all bundled up and were out the door. Please have another bite of this chocolate cliff bar, I begged Belac at the corner, who took one last nibble before being off on his way.

In retrospect, I'm glad I pushed the boys off on time and made them walk. And you know what? Entering the house, I heard my phone ringing on the island. It was Belac. Mom? Ian just asked me if I could go to his house on Friday, can I go? Yes, you can. Yes! I heard him tell Ian. And if you need a change of scene, or want to come here, too, you can. Okay? Okay, Mom! Bye, Ian! I heard Belac call out, and even though they would surely see each other before then, see you Friday!!

He got his exercise and fresh air. He bumped into a friend, who wanted to make plans with him. He was early enough to call and firm up his Friday plan before the start of school. And today he wore his new mocs. Size 1s. All year, his heels were falling out of size 2s. It was terrible how much he wanted and needed to be a size 2. Over the week end, I had had enough. He chose a brand new pair of mocs that fit. They were 50 bucks and I just didn't care how much they cost. It's an important step towards embracing himself. All good things.

g'night

quick trot up Turkey Mt. on Sunday

Hubby in Florida. And so what happened, today, while he's gone? We ate dinner at 4:30. Then helped the kids with homework til 9. Every 10 minutes I'd interrupt my own practice, spend 10 minutes overseeing and helping the kids, and then go back and practice another 10 minutes. Never had a night like this before, but it worked well. Jake eventually came downstairs to sit at the dining table near Belac, typing an assignment. They both had hours of so much short term and long term homework to do and I was amazed at how they both kept at it.

I liked listening to the boys banter, Jake was so unusual chatty.... A little face timing with hubby and a funny story. He had dictated an email to a boss, telling her he was looking forward to working on the Penis Project with her. (Siri misheard, he had said Venus.) Then after putting the kids to bed, I drank 2 glasses of wine and had way too many potato chips and basically decided to leave the dishes for tomorrow. And here it is, well past midnight and I need to be up at 6 tomorrow....

There were years that hubby was on the road 3-4 nights a week. Now I'm spoiled, he's rarely gone. I don't know how single parents do it, day in and day out, nor could I imagine being okay with someone else bonding with my kid....

We have a very privileged life. May my kids having something to show for it and grow up to change the world for the better. May they contribute meaningfully and thoughtfully. It's really important to me and I hope.

hubby

new reminders Jake wrote for himself

I watched and listened to hubby present, in educating the congregation on how the synagogue runs financially, what our particular financials look like, and provide analysis of how we got to today. Hubby presented slide after slide, having boiled the financials down into several important, understandable pieces. Today was day 1 of transparency in our synagogue's 17 year history. I stood in the back, where I could see everyone and everything.

There were gasps from the audience when he showed year end balances of $0 and below. People were horrified to learn we didn't have anything in the bank account when our secretary's husband died and we needed to pay her health insurance. Time and time again, we were saved by individual donors. And there were even bigger gasps from the audience to finally hear that the Rabbi had been earning $298,000. yearly and recently turned down an offer to renew for $245,000. - up from the $185,000. at the beginning of the negotiation process. Yup. My decimals are in the right place.

The place was packed and overflowing. At least 120 people signed in. And of course there were very, very upset people on both sides. Including those who are emotionally attached to the Rabbi and think there should be fundraising and more attempt to raise funds somehow (really unrealistic given our struggle to even pay our bills). 

But my main point is this. Hubby was incredible. Whereas others (both the board and congregants) were nervous and upset, even crying, there was hubby, clear, approachable, and authoritative. Not afraid of taking hostile questions. Not flinching or reacting when at least one congregant accused him of "misleading" numbers. He listened for and responded to content. He was impressively patient and respectful. I know that this is what hubby does at work, all of the time. He is always presenting numbers to hostile audiences and people above him in the chain of command, always needing to prepare for and answer very hard questions, but I had never had the opportunity to see him in action before. He was so steady! You think you know someone after almost 27 years.... Well, I was in complete awe of hubby. 

Before there was a vote with regard to mediation (which did not pass), there was discussion about which person would represent the congregation. Not surprisingly, people on both sides called out hubby's name. Even though he and I both agree it's even inadvisable for the Rabbi to stay with reduced salary at this point, hubby held his tongue on that, believing in the facts and the democratic process. His message was clear and simple. We simply cannot continue operating like this. It is and has been outrageously irresponsible!

What makes hubby so invaluable in the context of the congregational meeting, I realized while watching him being repeatedly called on by name to answer a question, even when there were so many others that could also answer, also applies to our home. It is so important to be able to see a situation clearly and honestly, and not get too carried away in any direction. Transparency can be scary but it's necessary for resolution of any problem. I had never had such steadiness at home, growing up. Decisions were always reactive and emotional, and things were always pushed under the rug. I am so lucky for hubby, who is not afraid of finding reality, while still somehow being kind and giving benefit of doubt. While still believing that even with finding the ugliest of truths, we'll figure it out for the better somehow. Marrying hubby was the most fortunate decision I ever made. I think we make a balanced pair. Lucky me. 

question

As we said our good byes, the girl asked me if I like hawks, and a bunch of other birds she ticked off her fingers. I wasn't sure, I didn't know very much about birds. And then she leaped right into telling me everything she could about what made each kind special. She had her ear muffs on and was all bundled up. They were supposedly leaving. I could feel the mom smiling politely, ready to interrupt as non-chalantly as she could. I listened carefully and deliberately, making sure that the mom could see that I was engaged. It's really okay, I wanted to tell her. This is a place where she can be herself. It's okay.

I told the girl. You like animals, don't you? Maybe you'll work with animals one day as an ornithologist...? And she nodded and kept going. The mom interrupted gently, owls are her favorite, you'll soon know all about them, she told me with a look and then said good bye for both of them.

It dawned on me the girl has Asperger's or some form of high functioning autism.

You know what else? The parents are both Harvard grads. The dad runs with hubby in a group on week ends. Though the stay at home dad, he runs marathons several times a year and actively engages brain power in everything. His wife is always on the road, as a high level exec at some company. Neither parent had ever told me anything much about their daughter. But asking Izzy, I found out that the girl has few friends and gets teased a lot at school. That once Izzy stuck up for her and then Izzy proceeded to get teasedm herself. I also found out from the girl that playing flute in band had been a disaster and she never wanted to go back. She told me what her parents didn't tell me. She was always 10 bars behind everyone else, she said, and never knew what was going on and was always forgetting how to read the music. It was really stressful! Band is hard! I told her, there are so many kids and sounds to make sense of, and the band teacher doesn't have time to help anyone individually. Don't worry, we are going to work one on one, you will learn to read music and play some great pieces. And at the last class, you'll play a duet with another pianist. It's going to be great! I promised.

Last week, another student's mom told me that her hubby took extra time to graduate MIT because he was beaten to the pulp while a student there. She had gotten degrees from Columbia University. First of all, though I knew him to be brilliant, I had no idea the dad had attended and graduated MIT. It devastated me to discover that he had been the victim of such violence. The dad is a little different and Aspergersy, and his son - my student - now a student at Eagle Hill, has turned out to be very similar. He is on the autism spectrum.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is our story is no different from these in a way. Hubby was at MIT, too. Me at Juilliard. And we are both type As. We, too, produced a quirky child on the autism spectrum. Is the moral of the story, going forward, that our children should partner up with those more in the middle and balanced, not anyone too distinguished? Because when 2 type A, competitive and cerebral types come together, they increase their chances of creating a kid on the autism spectrum?