I wonder if I have some sort of seasonal affective disorder, or at least some mild version. I love the sunshine and wearing flip flops and t-shirts everyday. Everything seems possible when the sun is shining. Or maybe I'm just a kid and can't wait for the boys to be out of school so I don't have to internalize their pressure of performing, homework and being 'on.' No teaching, no keeping the house immaculate for piano lessons, no focus on appearances...
'Tis the season of dunkings at the town pool, hanging out at the playground, visits to the library, and walks into town for ice cream. Excursions to the ice cold ac of museums, play dates, camp, early morning hikes, and my husband being home by 1pm on Fridays, kicking off the wknd with food and drink...
I love summer.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Summer Goals
Learn Chopin and Bach pieces
Get into better physical shape
Organize music scores
Update existing or build new website
Paint foyer and hallways
Get into better physical shape
Organize music scores
Update existing or build new website
Paint foyer and hallways
Monday, May 30, 2011
thanks, but no thanks
The kids have spent the past hour racing against an elevator at grandma's house. Up and down they go from basement to bedroom, bedroom to basement, each taking turns riding and scrambling while laughing their heads off. This concerted mayhem makes me smile.
And this is just another reason I have a hard time with 'it must be so hard for Jake to have a brother like Belac.' It's so easy for some people to let such a statement slip thoughtlessly off their tongue. It's dismissive. Presumptuous. Offensive, really. Not to mention that the only people who have ever uttered such a thing to me, most recently Jake's teachers in the context of his nightmares, have never stepped foot into our house to know what really goes on and know very little about my boys' relationship.
What do these people expect me to say? Yeah, you're right...? Having a brother 'like Belac' is the farthest thing from bad and plenty of other kids have it much harder than Jake. I try not to take offense, but puh-leez! You want to seriously help? How about recognizing that my Jake tends to be really good with people, especially little kids? Recognizing that despite Belac's quirkiness, he still manages to hold his own. And that my boys do have laughter and love between them. Whatever their differences with the rest of the world, these are boys who are happy and feel pretty good about themselves. While it's certainly not always sunshine and roses, any pity is misplaced, unnecessary and unwanted. Thanks, but no thanks.
And this is just another reason I have a hard time with 'it must be so hard for Jake to have a brother like Belac.' It's so easy for some people to let such a statement slip thoughtlessly off their tongue. It's dismissive. Presumptuous. Offensive, really. Not to mention that the only people who have ever uttered such a thing to me, most recently Jake's teachers in the context of his nightmares, have never stepped foot into our house to know what really goes on and know very little about my boys' relationship.
What do these people expect me to say? Yeah, you're right...? Having a brother 'like Belac' is the farthest thing from bad and plenty of other kids have it much harder than Jake. I try not to take offense, but puh-leez! You want to seriously help? How about recognizing that my Jake tends to be really good with people, especially little kids? Recognizing that despite Belac's quirkiness, he still manages to hold his own. And that my boys do have laughter and love between them. Whatever their differences with the rest of the world, these are boys who are happy and feel pretty good about themselves. While it's certainly not always sunshine and roses, any pity is misplaced, unnecessary and unwanted. Thanks, but no thanks.
Friday, May 27, 2011
experiment
I was so proud of Jake at his science fair, yesterday. So many people - presumably homeowners - stopped by his booth and asked about the aluminum roof and studied his trifold. He had the heat lamp shining on his birdhouses and had people touching the roofs and looking at his data. The cafeteria lights were off to keep the room cool, but from afar, you could see Jake's project was glowing, the sun was literally shining in his corner. I noticed Jake was friendly, talkative, and hanging about his presentation comfortably in between visitors. He proudly showed his work to the principal when she came by. At lulls, he went to visit other kids at their booths.
I roamed around looking at other projects. Some looked impossibly fancy and academic and you just knew that parents were extremely involved. A girl made a mouse maze, another made a mouse trap car, someone else built a roller coaster... I liked that Jake's project was unique, too. There were at least a dozen projects on crystals and another 2 dozen erupting volcanos. Then I saw Joe.
Actually, I saw his mother first. Easily pushing 250 lbs., I saw her slam down crayons on a table and say something aggressive to him. I saw that Joe was completely withdrawn. I had heard earlier from Jake that Joe had just started his science project 3 days ago. I noticed that no one was at Joe's booth and he happened to be surrounded by kids who had spent the past month trying to grow grass and plants with different organic and inorganic substances.
Hey Joe! I said with a smile, what's your project about?
The history of crayons, he told me. And then he started reciting something about when crayons were invented. He was really trying to get me interested with the little he had and I really felt for him. He's a good kid. His trifold had barely anything on it. His mother was hovering and his father stood behind him. His mother put a pad of paper in front of Belac, as if to prompt him to color on it and get us to linger longer. There were a bunch of crayons Joe had apparently melted into round disks, but then we couldn't get any to draw on the paper. They don't work very well, he explained. They're so pretty, though! Do you want one? he offered. I'd love one! I chose a multi-colored disk. Good job, Joe!
The other day, Jake asked me at pick up if he could go to Joe's house. Joe's mom was nowhere in sight, she was never at school, actually, though I knew she was unemployed and not busy with work. It was a weekday and I said no, he had work to do. But I had to wonder, could I really send Jake over there by himself? And the answer is no. I didn't have to see her at the science fair to know that Joe's mom is depressed and probably emotionally unstable. My husband is concerned that Joe might already exhibit signs of getting into trouble and wonders about his influence on Jake, who suffers from wanting to be liked. It's not exactly a friendship that my husband wants to encourage and yet I am more sympathetic. I have my own history - nothing even coming close to Joe's - and I have Belac, who has his own cards to deal with socially.... If Jake and Joe are going to play together and be friends, it's going to have to happen at our house.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
appreciating the moment
It occurred to me, today, as I was puttering around the house, that I will one day look back nostalgically at these days. Imperfect as it all seems now, I will miss these days of worrying about and being with my kids who still generally like being with me. Fixing up this house despite the headaches, walking the dog around Sunny Patch and stopping casually to make chitchat with anyone and everyone, being with my hubbie who runs everyday and is in his prime. I keep looking forward with caution, back with I-don't-know-what and at today with an ever critical eye, and I just have to remember it's all about now and enjoying it. It's all going to be over in a snap, these days that are probably the best days.
My mom wrote me another sweet letter. There's been stuff going on with Jake I will have to write about another day. I think it's the 3rd letter my mom has written to me in my entire life. The second I posted a few weeks ago, and the first she wrote to me in the 4th grade when I apparently told her I was going to run away....
Anyway. My mom and I have come a long, long way. She can still make me lose my mind like no other person, but it's kind of nice that she feels the need to say a few things to me and that she hasn't held back. Here is her email from the other day that was also cc'ed to my sisters:
Just like Gimky and M to know you did a super job for both boys, when I look at both of you kind reminding me of the OLD story about one Chinese mother try to bring up her son up in the better condition place and she move her whole family 3 times just for her son. and you just like the stories you move because you try to find the best fit school for both kids’ education/school.
Is tough job to be a parents you only can do your best, Jake and Belac are very lucky to have both of you as parents. Both boys will be okay don’t worry too much both of them are very smart just need some small help :)
I remember when all of you during mid./high school age I always worry and I remember I have long talk with Peggy’s mom she told me as parents you only can do your best help your children build up the bottom foundation and after college is all up to the kids. Long as you gave your children good foundation you don’t have to worry too much after that, and I know she’s right.
p.s.
I am no good for math when I was in school and even don’t talk about high school math…
My mom wrote me another sweet letter. There's been stuff going on with Jake I will have to write about another day. I think it's the 3rd letter my mom has written to me in my entire life. The second I posted a few weeks ago, and the first she wrote to me in the 4th grade when I apparently told her I was going to run away....
Anyway. My mom and I have come a long, long way. She can still make me lose my mind like no other person, but it's kind of nice that she feels the need to say a few things to me and that she hasn't held back. Here is her email from the other day that was also cc'ed to my sisters:
Just like Gimky and M to know you did a super job for both boys, when I look at both of you kind reminding me of the OLD story about one Chinese mother try to bring up her son up in the better condition place and she move her whole family 3 times just for her son. and you just like the stories you move because you try to find the best fit school for both kids’ education/school.
Is tough job to be a parents you only can do your best, Jake and Belac are very lucky to have both of you as parents. Both boys will be okay don’t worry too much both of them are very smart just need some small help :)
I remember when all of you during mid./high school age I always worry and I remember I have long talk with Peggy’s mom she told me as parents you only can do your best help your children build up the bottom foundation and after college is all up to the kids. Long as you gave your children good foundation you don’t have to worry too much after that, and I know she’s right.
p.s.
I am no good for math when I was in school and even don’t talk about high school math…
Monday, May 23, 2011
rain, rain, rain
It's begun to seriously pour. Did I mention it's been over 2 weeks since we haven't had a roof? Work stopped completely 10 days ago, and during that time we've had some extreme rain. Not a shingle has been laid yet and we're limping along with underlayment in most places and tarp. I feel like we're living in the Pacific Northwest. The roofers showed up today, having noted that the forecast called for 15% chance of rain, only for it to begin pouring as soon as they arrived. Now it is thundering. See you... Wednesday?
Of course, I sat in the guest room tonight and was relieved for Jake to fall asleep only for Belac to freak out about the thunder.
MOM! It's thundering! he yelled, even though I was still sitting closeby with my laptop.
It's okay, Belac, we're inside, I reassured him.
MOM! he continued, remember in September 2010 when I slept in the hallway when it was thundering?
Yes, do you want to do that again?
Yes!
So where is Belac now? He's sleeping in the hallway, on a mattress with his sleeping bag. All of the doors to the bedrooms are closed, including a funny door with a knocker to the rest of the hallway that further insulates him from the crazy stuff going on outside. He's really in a cocoon, which is wonderful considering his fear of thunder and lightening, now happening non-stop. I don't hear a single whimper from him. I love this house, did I mention? This kooky house that has weird nooks and crannies that has so far provided for us over and over despite our unconventional needs, even without a roof and all its problems. And I think to my husband, who drove off tonight for more work out of town. I don't know how he does it or how I was ever so lucky that he chose me, of all people, once upon a time.
Of course, I sat in the guest room tonight and was relieved for Jake to fall asleep only for Belac to freak out about the thunder.
MOM! It's thundering! he yelled, even though I was still sitting closeby with my laptop.
It's okay, Belac, we're inside, I reassured him.
MOM! he continued, remember in September 2010 when I slept in the hallway when it was thundering?
Yes, do you want to do that again?
Yes!
So where is Belac now? He's sleeping in the hallway, on a mattress with his sleeping bag. All of the doors to the bedrooms are closed, including a funny door with a knocker to the rest of the hallway that further insulates him from the crazy stuff going on outside. He's really in a cocoon, which is wonderful considering his fear of thunder and lightening, now happening non-stop. I don't hear a single whimper from him. I love this house, did I mention? This kooky house that has weird nooks and crannies that has so far provided for us over and over despite our unconventional needs, even without a roof and all its problems. And I think to my husband, who drove off tonight for more work out of town. I don't know how he does it or how I was ever so lucky that he chose me, of all people, once upon a time.
Friday, May 20, 2011
friend
Jake received his first invitation to a Sunny Patch birthday party. First time in 2 years. He was so excited and went right to the calendar to write it down. Ran into the boy's dad, this morning, and I told him that Jake was definitely going.
The dad asked about the roof, currently tarped with bright red stuff. We look like a McDonalds from blocks away. Work is at a standstill, I shrugged, and with so much rain, it looks like another week until they can start.
By the way, he said, I want to ask you about something else. We have tickets to the Yankees game in July and my daughter doesn't want to go. Does Jake want to come? It'll be me, my wife, my son and Jake, and we'll take the train in.
Really? Jake would love it! Let's get the boys together in the meantime, I mentioned as I said thank you.
Okay, how about today?
How did this happen? His son is a sweet, well-adjusted kid. One day, I noticed that our boys were chasing each other happily on the playground after school and so I marched right over and asked the father if his boy could come to play, which he did. The remarkable thing is that they actually invited Jake to their house to play a couple weeks later and then wanted him to stay longer for dinner. It was quite unexpected. It had taken until the end of this 2nd year in Sunny Patch for a kid in his grade to invite him over. And now they were inviting him to a family outing to see the Yankees and a play date today?
Do I sound like someone who was just allowed into the 'cool' crowd? I can't help myself. It's been a challenging couple of years for Jake, my neurotypical. And not only has he made a friend, he's made a friend with parents who actually appreciate him and proactively encourage their son to spend time with him. One Saturday, they even called from a nearby farmer's market to tell us about a display at a booth that might help Jake with his science fair project. It just changes everything when you feel accepted and that you matter to someone, something so important but so missing from Jake's Sunny Patch school experience until now. I'm so happy for Jake.
The dad asked about the roof, currently tarped with bright red stuff. We look like a McDonalds from blocks away. Work is at a standstill, I shrugged, and with so much rain, it looks like another week until they can start.
By the way, he said, I want to ask you about something else. We have tickets to the Yankees game in July and my daughter doesn't want to go. Does Jake want to come? It'll be me, my wife, my son and Jake, and we'll take the train in.
Really? Jake would love it! Let's get the boys together in the meantime, I mentioned as I said thank you.
Okay, how about today?
How did this happen? His son is a sweet, well-adjusted kid. One day, I noticed that our boys were chasing each other happily on the playground after school and so I marched right over and asked the father if his boy could come to play, which he did. The remarkable thing is that they actually invited Jake to their house to play a couple weeks later and then wanted him to stay longer for dinner. It was quite unexpected. It had taken until the end of this 2nd year in Sunny Patch for a kid in his grade to invite him over. And now they were inviting him to a family outing to see the Yankees and a play date today?
Do I sound like someone who was just allowed into the 'cool' crowd? I can't help myself. It's been a challenging couple of years for Jake, my neurotypical. And not only has he made a friend, he's made a friend with parents who actually appreciate him and proactively encourage their son to spend time with him. One Saturday, they even called from a nearby farmer's market to tell us about a display at a booth that might help Jake with his science fair project. It just changes everything when you feel accepted and that you matter to someone, something so important but so missing from Jake's Sunny Patch school experience until now. I'm so happy for Jake.
the Brahms Intermezzo house
Was invited to Angie's house for coffee, this morning. It used to be Natalie's house. It was the house we initially wanted and I know for a fact that Natalie wanted us to have. She had butted heads with Angie's husband and didn't like how he had behaved in the negotiations. But in the end we could not sell our old house soon enough to buy Natalie's house.
Allie and I arrived at Angie's after drop off. I saw that the rooms were freshly painted and the carpet was ripped up revealing rosewood floors in great condition. The ceilings were high, the space was uncluttered and I loved the pocket doors. How was I feeling? Did I feel this was the house that got away? Was I jealous? Wistful? I didn't know. It was surreal to be in the house again!
Angie was very sweet. She gave us a tour, at the same time pointing out all the rot on the porch, showing us where it was leaking in the house, venting about the basement with persistent, serious water problems... But still, it did not deter from the fact that the house is a great house and well laid out for a family.
Walking home with Allie, I told her I was happy to not have those kinds of water problems, even while recognizing that our current house is not problem free. We approached our own houses and you could see I still have no roof and my own rotting wood that needs to be addressed. My husband and I did save a chunk of change by buying this awkwardly charming house, I reminded myself, even while taking the roof expense into account. But all of these justifications were insignificant, anyway, in light of the huge, glaring reason that this house is best of all: Allie and her family live next door.
Allie and I arrived at Angie's after drop off. I saw that the rooms were freshly painted and the carpet was ripped up revealing rosewood floors in great condition. The ceilings were high, the space was uncluttered and I loved the pocket doors. How was I feeling? Did I feel this was the house that got away? Was I jealous? Wistful? I didn't know. It was surreal to be in the house again!
Angie was very sweet. She gave us a tour, at the same time pointing out all the rot on the porch, showing us where it was leaking in the house, venting about the basement with persistent, serious water problems... But still, it did not deter from the fact that the house is a great house and well laid out for a family.
Walking home with Allie, I told her I was happy to not have those kinds of water problems, even while recognizing that our current house is not problem free. We approached our own houses and you could see I still have no roof and my own rotting wood that needs to be addressed. My husband and I did save a chunk of change by buying this awkwardly charming house, I reminded myself, even while taking the roof expense into account. But all of these justifications were insignificant, anyway, in light of the huge, glaring reason that this house is best of all: Allie and her family live next door.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
postop
Just got off the phone with my dad.
Angioplasty was complicated for reasons I won't discuss here, but successful. He had a 99% blockage in his right coronary artery and 50-60% in others, the latter of which will be treated medically.
My dad has been so active his whole life, careful about his diet, and slender, that I am quite surprised by this news of his heart. I just thought this kind of stuff happened to people who don't take care of themselves. And it all came about so suddenly, too. Just 3 weeks ago, he started complaining about chest pain.
Glad he's okay for now.
together
Just got off the phone with my mom. She's at the hospital with both of my sisters, one who flew in from DC. My mom laughed, even my sister's baby was there. They're all waiting on my dad.
You know what's amazing to me? Is the strong emotional ties girls tend to have with their parents and the responsibility my sisters and I feel towards our own.
The day before I got married, I heard someone ask my dad how he felt. I was the first of his daughters to marry. He said something to the effect of, well, I'm losing a daughter. I was shocked and corrected him immediately. Actually, dad, you're never going to lose your daughters. (This is America, it's the 21st century!) Time has proven this to be true.
Sometimes I look at my sons and wonder if they will 'care' about me and my husband in the same way my sisters and I care for my parents. I think it's different with boys and men, who more typically have less flexibility because of careers to drop everything and are generally less emotionally equipped during difficult times, at least this is what I sense. They spend so much of their life not being allowed to let their guard down. It's the girls who generally bind together, who can mother and fuss with the parent in distress, cry if they want, and forge those bonds without the extra burden of appearing a certain way.
All to say. It made all the difference to me that my sister was there during my own surgery and I'm grateful that they're both now with my parents. I wish I was there.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
minimalism
Suddenly no concert to practice for and days of rain with no roofers to oversee. So with extra time on my hands, I get things done while hubby is away.
Every time the house takes too long to clean up or my kids can't find something, I know we have too much stuff. Nothing is more liberating and immediately gratifying than getting rid of all the extra. In our case, this also means keeping our furnishings sparse, decluttering whenever possible, and trying to keep things from entering the house in the first place. It really makes life amazingly easier, especially for the person who does almost all of the cleaning. Living with minimal stuff has truly changed my life for the better.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
thinking
Boys cuddled up together in guest room with pup between them. There's going to be another night of heavy rain and they wanted to be together. Jake asked me to sit nearby. I engaged the house alarm. Hubbie flew to Europe today and won't be home all week.
This house, amazing as it is, is just too big for the 3 of us, who are currently huddled up happily in the smallest room of the house. It's also missing a roof - did I mention? - and we are in the midst of 6 days of heavy rain.
"Can I have a hug?" I just heard Belac ask Jake.
Do I dare sign up to host a kid or two through the Fresh Air Fund? I've even fantasized about taking in some foster children. We have the space, we have the school system, I have this desire to share. But then I'd never be able to send a kid back into the system and that's a whole other thing....
This house, amazing as it is, is just too big for the 3 of us, who are currently huddled up happily in the smallest room of the house. It's also missing a roof - did I mention? - and we are in the midst of 6 days of heavy rain.
"Can I have a hug?" I just heard Belac ask Jake.
Do I dare sign up to host a kid or two through the Fresh Air Fund? I've even fantasized about taking in some foster children. We have the space, we have the school system, I have this desire to share. But then I'd never be able to send a kid back into the system and that's a whole other thing....
sight seeing
Just got home from the middle school tour. Five parents showed up and one was Lily's mom.
Hi Gimky! she waved. We made a little chit chat. You know, she began, the other day I was cleaning out Lily's back pack and found a letter from Belac. It was the sweetest thing! It said: Dear Lily, I was so sad yesterday because I had speech and you already rushed to your piano lesson and I couldn't say good bye to you. Can you come over for a play date next Friday? I will show you Pac Man on the wii. From Belac Snowflake.
Another mother laughed her head off. That is so sweet! Next thing you know they'll be spraying their letters with perfume. Lily's mom laughed, it's really so sweet, Gimky! I found myself short on words and awkwardly smiling. He really loves Lily, was all I could say.
We took the tour. The principal showed us around. After passing another classroom described as 'modified,' I raised my hand. What does modified mean?
The principal explained that it meant that the kids in the classroom were taken out for English and Math. I was confused but didn't push the subject with current company. Were the 12 kids we just saw typical or special needs kids? Were they the remaining typical part of the modified class or was this 12 the entire class?
The tour continued.
In a later pause, it was actually Lily's mom who picked up the ball and asked for more clarification about the modified class. Who qualifies for the modified class? Do these kids have building level resources or IEPs?
Now I was thoroughly shocked. She asked the kind of questions that you'd only know to ask if your child was in need of something extra. She asked the very questions I wanted to ask, in trying to figure out if Belac would be in a modified class. We both have 4th graders going to middle school next year, but I'm pretty certain she wasn't asking for her 4th grader and nor was I. It suddenly dawned on me. I had noticed in Lily's letters to Belac that many of her letters were backwards and that her writing did not reflect at all her ability to communicate in person. In an instant, I realized Lily's mom and I have more in common than I ever thought.
You know what I think has happened? Belac's picture perfect, neatly composed letters to Lily give no hint as to what difficulties he has in real life. He's doing something very well that her daughter struggles with. And because Lily converses and relates so well with others, in ways I could only dream of with Belac, I am lead to believe she couldn't possibly have any difficulties in school.
Is it possible that Lily's mom cares - just like me - that I'll continue to encourage Belac and Lily to be friends even if I find out something is amiss with her learning? (Will she think Belac's letters are so sweet after someone whispers to her about his autism diagnosis?) I always just thought that Lily's family is picture perfect and it's what wealthy people do. They keep their distance with people who are not one of 'them.' But now I recognize that maybe it's something else and I've had it all wrong. Maybe it has more to do with the mother's protective instinct, which in this form I know very well. It involves disclosing very little in order to ensure a child's better chance at normal.
Hi Gimky! she waved. We made a little chit chat. You know, she began, the other day I was cleaning out Lily's back pack and found a letter from Belac. It was the sweetest thing! It said: Dear Lily, I was so sad yesterday because I had speech and you already rushed to your piano lesson and I couldn't say good bye to you. Can you come over for a play date next Friday? I will show you Pac Man on the wii. From Belac Snowflake.
Another mother laughed her head off. That is so sweet! Next thing you know they'll be spraying their letters with perfume. Lily's mom laughed, it's really so sweet, Gimky! I found myself short on words and awkwardly smiling. He really loves Lily, was all I could say.
We took the tour. The principal showed us around. After passing another classroom described as 'modified,' I raised my hand. What does modified mean?
The principal explained that it meant that the kids in the classroom were taken out for English and Math. I was confused but didn't push the subject with current company. Were the 12 kids we just saw typical or special needs kids? Were they the remaining typical part of the modified class or was this 12 the entire class?
The tour continued.
In a later pause, it was actually Lily's mom who picked up the ball and asked for more clarification about the modified class. Who qualifies for the modified class? Do these kids have building level resources or IEPs?
Now I was thoroughly shocked. She asked the kind of questions that you'd only know to ask if your child was in need of something extra. She asked the very questions I wanted to ask, in trying to figure out if Belac would be in a modified class. We both have 4th graders going to middle school next year, but I'm pretty certain she wasn't asking for her 4th grader and nor was I. It suddenly dawned on me. I had noticed in Lily's letters to Belac that many of her letters were backwards and that her writing did not reflect at all her ability to communicate in person. In an instant, I realized Lily's mom and I have more in common than I ever thought.
You know what I think has happened? Belac's picture perfect, neatly composed letters to Lily give no hint as to what difficulties he has in real life. He's doing something very well that her daughter struggles with. And because Lily converses and relates so well with others, in ways I could only dream of with Belac, I am lead to believe she couldn't possibly have any difficulties in school.
Is it possible that Lily's mom cares - just like me - that I'll continue to encourage Belac and Lily to be friends even if I find out something is amiss with her learning? (Will she think Belac's letters are so sweet after someone whispers to her about his autism diagnosis?) I always just thought that Lily's family is picture perfect and it's what wealthy people do. They keep their distance with people who are not one of 'them.' But now I recognize that maybe it's something else and I've had it all wrong. Maybe it has more to do with the mother's protective instinct, which in this form I know very well. It involves disclosing very little in order to ensure a child's better chance at normal.
Monday, May 16, 2011
tough spot
Belac's aide has been our saving grace these past 2 years. She is an energetic, much loved 60 year old, who knows everyone at school. Everyday, she gets Belac interacting with everyone, both young and old. Every birthday, Christmas, and now end of the year, I give her a nice visa gift card with a mushy card. Every time she pushes it away telling me, it's so not necessary!
Several weeks ago, she pulled me aside and asked me for her very first ever favor. She was hesitant, she told me, but thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. My son... the economy, you know.... are there summer internships at your husband's company? He'll work for free. He just needs something, anything! He's getting a degree in graphics design and he works hard.
It's strange to know that my husband's position can be accessed by a mere 2-second google search. I was surprised, honestly, but more than happy to help. She had gone above and beyond her duty with Belac, couldn't we see if we could help her son? No problem, I told her, I'll let my husband know and he'll find out. No problem, my husband told me, have him forward his resume and I'll make an introduction to H.R.
Well, the resume came. It was... not good. It was very short and sparse, there were spelling errors. The kid had not even had career services at his college do a one pass. My husband sent his own resume and suggested that he blot out all of my husband's info and use the format as a template. It was sent back, today, and still not presentable. His saving grace, though, was reference to a link of his graphic designs from college. I saw that he could draw and had created some interesting animations.
I spent some time on the boy's resume, myself. I suggested that my husband at least call the kid and get a feel for him. Maybe he'd present himself better in person than on paper. And what happened? The kid could not put 2 words together and spit out a coherent sentence. Is it possible that he has special needs...?
Ugh. What to do.
Gimky, I cannot show up at H.R. and try to sell this kid. Is there any reason at all that we are doing this except that he's Mrs. Rondo's kid?
It's not that bad, is it? Some of the graphics he did were interesting. He's young, doesn't know what he wants! Do we even know he has a male role model? If I were his parent, I would have coached him before talking to you. He was obviously intimidated talking to you. We're just making an introduction, I found myself almost pleading, and he'll work for free....
So you're telling me that you'd ask your chamber group to hire him or even have him work for you?
Well, sure. He gets around the computer well enough. I'd have him update my website that's at least 3 years old. My boss would have him print up programs and collate them. He's not a leader, he's not a self starter, but he's certainly useful. And maybe a little exposure and experience is all he needs to build up some confidence and get his act together.
Gimky, you have no idea what the other resumes look like. This application would never make the cut.
I know what other resumes look like, of course I do! Because I had one of them and so did you. But look.... you can be damn sure that when Belac is all grown up, I am going to be asking people for help on how to make his skills useful in the real world. And I'll be doing what Mrs. Rondo is doing. Basically saying to anyone and everyone: he'll work for free, so give him a job and put him to use. Doesn't your company need someone to xerox? Do a little data entry? Fudge around with a pesky graphic? You don't even have to tell them he's great and put yourself on the line in this way. Just ask if there is any summer internship for someone who is very, very entry level. That's all.
We've put my husband in a tough spot for sure.
Several weeks ago, she pulled me aside and asked me for her very first ever favor. She was hesitant, she told me, but thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. My son... the economy, you know.... are there summer internships at your husband's company? He'll work for free. He just needs something, anything! He's getting a degree in graphics design and he works hard.
It's strange to know that my husband's position can be accessed by a mere 2-second google search. I was surprised, honestly, but more than happy to help. She had gone above and beyond her duty with Belac, couldn't we see if we could help her son? No problem, I told her, I'll let my husband know and he'll find out. No problem, my husband told me, have him forward his resume and I'll make an introduction to H.R.
Well, the resume came. It was... not good. It was very short and sparse, there were spelling errors. The kid had not even had career services at his college do a one pass. My husband sent his own resume and suggested that he blot out all of my husband's info and use the format as a template. It was sent back, today, and still not presentable. His saving grace, though, was reference to a link of his graphic designs from college. I saw that he could draw and had created some interesting animations.
I spent some time on the boy's resume, myself. I suggested that my husband at least call the kid and get a feel for him. Maybe he'd present himself better in person than on paper. And what happened? The kid could not put 2 words together and spit out a coherent sentence. Is it possible that he has special needs...?
Ugh. What to do.
Gimky, I cannot show up at H.R. and try to sell this kid. Is there any reason at all that we are doing this except that he's Mrs. Rondo's kid?
It's not that bad, is it? Some of the graphics he did were interesting. He's young, doesn't know what he wants! Do we even know he has a male role model? If I were his parent, I would have coached him before talking to you. He was obviously intimidated talking to you. We're just making an introduction, I found myself almost pleading, and he'll work for free....
So you're telling me that you'd ask your chamber group to hire him or even have him work for you?
Well, sure. He gets around the computer well enough. I'd have him update my website that's at least 3 years old. My boss would have him print up programs and collate them. He's not a leader, he's not a self starter, but he's certainly useful. And maybe a little exposure and experience is all he needs to build up some confidence and get his act together.
Gimky, you have no idea what the other resumes look like. This application would never make the cut.
I know what other resumes look like, of course I do! Because I had one of them and so did you. But look.... you can be damn sure that when Belac is all grown up, I am going to be asking people for help on how to make his skills useful in the real world. And I'll be doing what Mrs. Rondo is doing. Basically saying to anyone and everyone: he'll work for free, so give him a job and put him to use. Doesn't your company need someone to xerox? Do a little data entry? Fudge around with a pesky graphic? You don't even have to tell them he's great and put yourself on the line in this way. Just ask if there is any summer internship for someone who is very, very entry level. That's all.
We've put my husband in a tough spot for sure.
autism
Awhile back, I wrote about a friend I made in the city. We became friends long before either of us knew our younger ones, now both 8 years old, would be diagnosed with autism. Both of us ended up moving from the city to Westchester County for the schools.
I have always admired my friend for her positive attitude. My son has turned out to be a very quirky, high functioning kid. But even so I have despaired plenty. Her son, in turn, has very little language and I'm not sure he reads or writes, much less identifies letters or numbers. Despite this, my friend is someone who has remained unwaveringly positive and productive, holding head up high and plowing on. Over the past 6 years, I have never ever heard her complain!
Maybe it's because she grew up in poverty in a single parent household and has felt extremely lucky (and grateful) for her relatively 'stress free' adult life. She has the support of her incredible in-laws who live nearby and a really strong relationship with her husband. They travel often and bring both sons everywhere. She paints and started a small business, she cooks....
Today I received her phone call. Something was different, her voice was hushed. Gimky, I need to talk to you. Things have changed remarkably! He's suddenly engaging in self-injurious behavior and it is becoming more and more severe. The other day we were at a restaurant and he was banging his head on a wall and screeching! We had to leave. We used to be able to go everywhere, Gimky! And this is scary. We can't take him anywhere....
I think some kids bang their heads out of frustration. Also to feel something and get some feedback from their bodies. I don't know very much about it. I gave her the name of Belac's neurologist at Columbia Presbyterian. Have you thought about a punching bag? I asked. Deep massages? Some regular, rigorous physical activity? There has to be something more socially acceptable that we could teach him to replace this behavior. We talked but I was mostly at a loss and just so sad to hear and feel my friend's despair.
I have always admired my friend for her positive attitude. My son has turned out to be a very quirky, high functioning kid. But even so I have despaired plenty. Her son, in turn, has very little language and I'm not sure he reads or writes, much less identifies letters or numbers. Despite this, my friend is someone who has remained unwaveringly positive and productive, holding head up high and plowing on. Over the past 6 years, I have never ever heard her complain!
Maybe it's because she grew up in poverty in a single parent household and has felt extremely lucky (and grateful) for her relatively 'stress free' adult life. She has the support of her incredible in-laws who live nearby and a really strong relationship with her husband. They travel often and bring both sons everywhere. She paints and started a small business, she cooks....
Today I received her phone call. Something was different, her voice was hushed. Gimky, I need to talk to you. Things have changed remarkably! He's suddenly engaging in self-injurious behavior and it is becoming more and more severe. The other day we were at a restaurant and he was banging his head on a wall and screeching! We had to leave. We used to be able to go everywhere, Gimky! And this is scary. We can't take him anywhere....
I think some kids bang their heads out of frustration. Also to feel something and get some feedback from their bodies. I don't know very much about it. I gave her the name of Belac's neurologist at Columbia Presbyterian. Have you thought about a punching bag? I asked. Deep massages? Some regular, rigorous physical activity? There has to be something more socially acceptable that we could teach him to replace this behavior. We talked but I was mostly at a loss and just so sad to hear and feel my friend's despair.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
reunion
My husband had a college reunion over the week end. It was a no brainer for him to register months ago. He's looking for a new job and it would be an easy way to network with his colleagues. I was signed up for some events, too, but decided not to go as the roof was proving to be a very messy job. 6 days of rain were coming and I didn't feel right about leaving mid-construction.
But then on Friday night, I received an email from our old friends, in from Israel. We were planning to see you, Gimky. Please, please, please come to Boston. It was now after 9pm and I wasn't sure. I asked Jake, in his pajamas, do you guys want to go? Mom, he told me, eat an apple for energy and I will keep you up in the car by playing my DS really loud. Did you bring yourself an apple? he later asked as we were driving off.
I left the dog with a piano student in exchange for a couple of free lessons and we were off. My boys and our friends' boys spent Saturday swimming and playing together. We caught up. We talked about stuff. We talked about Belac. And then, in a blink of an eyelash, we said our goodbyes.
Thank God I went to see them. They were witnesses at our wedding. They are people we can be so open with despite never seeing them and barely keeping in touch. How is it that I can find myself telling them anything and everything? Is it because we're such good friends or is there also somehow less pressure over appearances and no competition because they live so far away? Being together, it was like a day had not passed since our Boston days together. It was sweet and it was fun.
Today we returned home to a flood on the 1st floor. What do you know? Roof fail. But I couldn't regret being away for a second. As my friend Ella reminded the other day, the most important things in life are family and friends.
Friday, May 13, 2011
heartache, literally-revisited
Came home in time for a call from my parents. Did your older sister (the MD) call you? I didn't like the sound of this. I now noticed that I had voice mails, txts and emails from just the last 2 hours. Wh...
My last post that began as above was lost when blogger was shut down for maintenance. I realize that if I want to keep my entries, I need to back them up. These posts mean something to me, and maybe they'll be valuable to my kids later on.
I won't attempt to reconstruct 'heartache, literally' but will just summarize.
1) My dad is going in for an angioplasty next week for at least one clogged artery. This comes as a shock to me given his lifelong good health and habits. I hope he's going to be okay and am concerned.
2) My parents are obviously not coming to NY to help with the kids so I cancelled my role in the chamber concerts in Boston. Just fedexed the music to the replacement pianist, yesterday.
3) Hope my dad is going to be okay.
My last post that began as above was lost when blogger was shut down for maintenance. I realize that if I want to keep my entries, I need to back them up. These posts mean something to me, and maybe they'll be valuable to my kids later on.
I won't attempt to reconstruct 'heartache, literally' but will just summarize.
1) My dad is going in for an angioplasty next week for at least one clogged artery. This comes as a shock to me given his lifelong good health and habits. I hope he's going to be okay and am concerned.
2) My parents are obviously not coming to NY to help with the kids so I cancelled my role in the chamber concerts in Boston. Just fedexed the music to the replacement pianist, yesterday.
3) Hope my dad is going to be okay.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
the show goes on
Came home to a crew of 12, pulling the roof off to the joists, pounding down plywood, and cleaning up debris. They showed! And even brought 4 extra people.
Talked to the town building inspector, who takes himself very seriously. Smoothed over an argument our aluminum roofer had with the inspector over a bunch of egotistical nonsense. I apologized on the roofer's behalf and listened respectfully to the inspector vent. I also apologized profusely for not having permits for any work on the house. I hadn't known any was necessary except the asbestos abatement permit to Albany.
Then, I opened my check book and paid for the permit the abatement company 'forgot' to file with the town, the permit for the crew today, and the permit for the aluminum crew tomorrow. You would think that I have money to burn! But I was just glad that I wasn't issued fines or asked to stop work or that the inspector wasn't going to try to prove a point with the aluminum roofer and delay the job.
Whoa!! the inspector exclaimed, when he saw the numbers for the asbestos removal.
I agreed. The permits are by percentage, right?
You got it.
Please go easy on us if you can, I half-pleaded, that's just the first number I'm showing you!
Did I mention? We're eating rice and beans for the next long while.
Talked to the town building inspector, who takes himself very seriously. Smoothed over an argument our aluminum roofer had with the inspector over a bunch of egotistical nonsense. I apologized on the roofer's behalf and listened respectfully to the inspector vent. I also apologized profusely for not having permits for any work on the house. I hadn't known any was necessary except the asbestos abatement permit to Albany.
Then, I opened my check book and paid for the permit the abatement company 'forgot' to file with the town, the permit for the crew today, and the permit for the aluminum crew tomorrow. You would think that I have money to burn! But I was just glad that I wasn't issued fines or asked to stop work or that the inspector wasn't going to try to prove a point with the aluminum roofer and delay the job.
Whoa!! the inspector exclaimed, when he saw the numbers for the asbestos removal.
I agreed. The permits are by percentage, right?
You got it.
Please go easy on us if you can, I half-pleaded, that's just the first number I'm showing you!
Did I mention? We're eating rice and beans for the next long while.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
going to town
I told my husband he has to take the kids to school tomorrow and then come straight home to meet/oversee the crew of 8 that is arriving early. This local crew is going to attempt to strip and plywood the house in ONE day. I am so stressed out about this roof, that I don't really care what my husband has to say to his boss to be at home. You see, I will be tied up at Town Hall, first thing, trying to straighten out what is looking to be a terrible mess. I can't explain now and have to go to bed.
I asked my husband. Could we trade and you go to Town Hall?
Gimky, I have no problems going and will. But you know you're good at this kind of stuff and you'll get better results than me.... Do you really want me to go?
No. I know I have to go, I just wish I didn't have to. Good as I might be at simultaneously kissing you know what and playing hardball, it exhausts me in a whole body kind of way. It's not without incredible effort. Totally need to sleep. Good night!
I asked my husband. Could we trade and you go to Town Hall?
Gimky, I have no problems going and will. But you know you're good at this kind of stuff and you'll get better results than me.... Do you really want me to go?
No. I know I have to go, I just wish I didn't have to. Good as I might be at simultaneously kissing you know what and playing hardball, it exhausts me in a whole body kind of way. It's not without incredible effort. Totally need to sleep. Good night!
nightmare!
A whole day wasted. A crew of 5 waited on my stoop for 5 hours on this gorgeous day twiddling their thumbs. The general manager was 2-1/2 hours late to the job, so they couldn't even begin. Then I was told, after he arrived, that they couldn't begin the job with roof as is. The pictures I had sent of the roof didn't do justice. They had me climb a ladder to the top of the house to see for myself. What they wanted to show me, is that under the slats and underlayment, there is ANOTHER layer of completely rotting cedar shingles and of course, not a shred of plywood anywhere that can grip any nail. We've officially uncovered a huge can of worms.
They initially wanted $14,000 to scrape to the joists and to lay down plywood. I had the wind knocked out of me. Are you there? The sales rep asked after a few seconds of silence on my end. Back and forth we went. 2 hours later, we were down to $9500. All afternoon, I've been on the phone and now have 4 companies coming to make bids.
I am seriously, seriously screwed. I have a concert next weekend I am completely unprepared for and feel even worse about not having practiced for more than 45 minutes today and a couple of hours here and there for the past 5 days since this all started! I would like to pour myself a drink but need to be on top of my game with all these salesmen and for crying out loud, I totally have to practice!
NIGHTMARE.
They initially wanted $14,000 to scrape to the joists and to lay down plywood. I had the wind knocked out of me. Are you there? The sales rep asked after a few seconds of silence on my end. Back and forth we went. 2 hours later, we were down to $9500. All afternoon, I've been on the phone and now have 4 companies coming to make bids.
I am seriously, seriously screwed. I have a concert next weekend I am completely unprepared for and feel even worse about not having practiced for more than 45 minutes today and a couple of hours here and there for the past 5 days since this all started! I would like to pour myself a drink but need to be on top of my game with all these salesmen and for crying out loud, I totally have to practice!
NIGHTMARE.
Monday, May 9, 2011
a piece of NJ
Had no idea, but now know.
In a few days, I'm going to own something in NJ. I was just told by the inspector. The contents of the hazardous waste container will go into this special, ginormous bag with my name printed all over it. Then it's buried someplace in NJ. Apparently, I will forever own this asbestos roof.
Wow. That's a great piece of personal trivia for a party game.
In a few days, I'm going to own something in NJ. I was just told by the inspector. The contents of the hazardous waste container will go into this special, ginormous bag with my name printed all over it. Then it's buried someplace in NJ. Apparently, I will forever own this asbestos roof.
Wow. That's a great piece of personal trivia for a party game.
who's boss?
The roof removal has been completed. Thank God I came home just in time, though, because the guys were about to leave without tarping the exposed roof. The weather is good, they said, no need. But I don't know that my roofers are going to be here on the dot, tomorrow. I need you to tarp. No, they replied. No rain tomorrow.
Right.
My husband told me. We can't risk anything, get them to tarp.
I went back. You need to tarp before you go. It's part of our contract.
No! No tarp! Weather is good! No have plastic.
You didn't bring plastic when you knew you were going to finish, today? I don't believe it. And what if it rains?
No rain! If rain, call and we come. Then we tarp.
Right.
I called my husband. They refuse to tarp. I handed the head crew guy the phone. He hung up on my husband. My husband called back. Gimky, he hung up on me.
The sweet thing that was playing good cop and serving them coffee and water? She vanished.
HOW DARE YOU HANG UP ON MY HUSBAND. HOW DARE YOU.
Marsha is boss, not your husband!!
And my husband pays Marsha, GOT IT? MY.HUSBAND.IS.BOSS!!!!! How dare you treat us this way!
I was yelling at the top of my lungs at this point. But inside I was laughing just a little. What my husband would give to hear his wife screaming these words for all the world to hear! Because - as we all know- in this household, actually *I* am boss!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
mother's day
It's a gorgeous day in NY. Belac and I are out on the porch, the only sunny spot to be, given the current state of our house. We have been chatting with Allie and her family next door. I really love them. Her mom arrived this morning with a lilac bush for Allie. While we were all pretty much still in our pajamas, there was some discussion about where to plant it. What a nice Happy Mother's Day from mother to daughter.
The relationship Allie has with her mother is pretty special and I observe with curiosity. I find it inspiring to know that despite the expected squabbles, a mom and her grown up kid can love each other and think the best of each other in the way that they do. This morning, on Mother's Day, I found myself belatedly on Amazon.com buying a gift for my mom. I struggled with saying more than just Happy Mother's Day on the gift card. I'm usually horrible at buying gifts but better at writing something thoughtful and true. I appreciate my mom and I love her, that's the truth, but it was not easy for me to elaborate. Things are just different with my mom.
This morning, I was allowed to sleep in. Belac brought me a drawing, Jake and hubbie brought french toast and coffee. The boys gave me the compositions they worked on in school. Need I say, I am a total sucker for this kind of stuff.
(My scanner has been out of commission for weeks, otherwise I'd post.)
Jake wrote:
M any more fun times with my mom
O ut of this world mom
T akes us to fun places and vacations
H aving fun with my mom
E ating mom's best cookies
R adiant is my mom
PS: You make every trip to Canada so memorable. You let us stay up and have fun. Love, Jake
Belac wrote, and I have to assume with prompting:
M arvelous woman
O nly mom I have
T rue love
H ere, I'll give you breakfast in bed!
E veryone loves you!
R eady to get hugs
I think my Mom is great. She has black hair, the same color as a black crayon. Her eyes are brown like chocolate. My mom is pretty like a flower. She has a small nose like a pebble. Her smile makes me feel very happy. My mom likes to play piano, I like to play Nitrome on the computer. Red is her favorite color like a rose. My mom knows a lot about cooking noodles. My mom is wonderful! My favorite time with her is when I eat dinner. Love Belac
I know that they won't be writing this kind of corny stuff by age 16, maybe not even next year for Jake. But it sure would mean everything to me to have an enduring, good relationship with my boys, even without these kinds of words.
So here's to remembering and celebrating all the goodness of our moms today. Happy Mother's Day.
The relationship Allie has with her mother is pretty special and I observe with curiosity. I find it inspiring to know that despite the expected squabbles, a mom and her grown up kid can love each other and think the best of each other in the way that they do. This morning, on Mother's Day, I found myself belatedly on Amazon.com buying a gift for my mom. I struggled with saying more than just Happy Mother's Day on the gift card. I'm usually horrible at buying gifts but better at writing something thoughtful and true. I appreciate my mom and I love her, that's the truth, but it was not easy for me to elaborate. Things are just different with my mom.
This morning, I was allowed to sleep in. Belac brought me a drawing, Jake and hubbie brought french toast and coffee. The boys gave me the compositions they worked on in school. Need I say, I am a total sucker for this kind of stuff.
(My scanner has been out of commission for weeks, otherwise I'd post.)
Jake wrote:
M any more fun times with my mom
O ut of this world mom
T akes us to fun places and vacations
H aving fun with my mom
E ating mom's best cookies
R adiant is my mom
PS: You make every trip to Canada so memorable. You let us stay up and have fun. Love, Jake
Belac wrote, and I have to assume with prompting:
M arvelous woman
O nly mom I have
T rue love
H ere, I'll give you breakfast in bed!
E veryone loves you!
R eady to get hugs
I think my Mom is great. She has black hair, the same color as a black crayon. Her eyes are brown like chocolate. My mom is pretty like a flower. She has a small nose like a pebble. Her smile makes me feel very happy. My mom likes to play piano, I like to play Nitrome on the computer. Red is her favorite color like a rose. My mom knows a lot about cooking noodles. My mom is wonderful! My favorite time with her is when I eat dinner. Love Belac
I know that they won't be writing this kind of corny stuff by age 16, maybe not even next year for Jake. But it sure would mean everything to me to have an enduring, good relationship with my boys, even without these kinds of words.
So here's to remembering and celebrating all the goodness of our moms today. Happy Mother's Day.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
carrots
The abatement company and I butted heads in a serious way last night. And it could have all been avoided if they had just kept the lines of communication open. Instead, they were afraid to pick up the phone all afternoon. The longer they didn't respond, the more upset my husband and I became. We left messages everywhere that I'm certain were not being listened to.
Then I received an email from the owner's husband, someone I had never dealt with, who gave me an ultimatum and insisted I respond within 2 hours. What? You're kidding me. Your wife is basically incommunicado and now you're telling me, respond now or else? I picked up the phone and called all of their numbers for the next 2 hours. Nothing. How DARE they issue such a threat but then not pick up the phone. Such cowards!
I sent an email. Reasonable as could be. Please begin work and execute [what you believe to be] the contract. Please let's also discuss this stripping all the way to the wood and how we can make this happen. [Of course this means more money but I didn't offer.] Please make sure the crew arrives at 8am. The roofers are now scheduled for Tuesday and we need the work completed.
Last night, I finally got a word. "Hi sweetie," said the owner, "we'll see you in the morning, ok hon? Okay, sweetie, we'll talk over the details in the morning. Okay. Bye sweetie."
Oh my! Is she ever a piece of work. So afraid of confrontation and yet she is boss. I summoned my best inner sweetie, knowing that's what I have to do to get this job to proceed. (She already has her 50% and could just run.) Today I work on convincing them to strip to the wood, but now know that we have to offer carrots and not sticks.
Then I received an email from the owner's husband, someone I had never dealt with, who gave me an ultimatum and insisted I respond within 2 hours. What? You're kidding me. Your wife is basically incommunicado and now you're telling me, respond now or else? I picked up the phone and called all of their numbers for the next 2 hours. Nothing. How DARE they issue such a threat but then not pick up the phone. Such cowards!
I sent an email. Reasonable as could be. Please begin work and execute [what you believe to be] the contract. Please let's also discuss this stripping all the way to the wood and how we can make this happen. [Of course this means more money but I didn't offer.] Please make sure the crew arrives at 8am. The roofers are now scheduled for Tuesday and we need the work completed.
Last night, I finally got a word. "Hi sweetie," said the owner, "we'll see you in the morning, ok hon? Okay, sweetie, we'll talk over the details in the morning. Okay. Bye sweetie."
Oh my! Is she ever a piece of work. So afraid of confrontation and yet she is boss. I summoned my best inner sweetie, knowing that's what I have to do to get this job to proceed. (She already has her 50% and could just run.) Today I work on convincing them to strip to the wood, but now know that we have to offer carrots and not sticks.
Friday, May 6, 2011
trouble
We are at a standstill over the roof. I noticed the crew was tarping over wood slats and underlayment today. Aren't you stripping to the wood? No, that's your roofer's job.
I called the roofer. No. We won't touch the roof if the wood strips and underlayment aren't stripped. It's what the tile was attached to so it's contaminated. We consider it asbestos roofing material.
For 2 hours I could not get in touch with the owner of the asbestos crew. Despite being tight on time, I told the workers, STOP. Until the owner calls, we're done.
Of course, the last message got the owner's attention. She told me this means it's double the job. No it isn't, I replied. Come take a look yourself. It's nothing like taking off the asbestos tile. The wood and underlayment, the roofing material, will come off in one pull. I was careful about my language having studied the contract I signed. She told me she'd call me back.
That was 4 hours ago and I still haven't heard from her. Are they going to show tomorrow? Only 1/6 of the tiles were removed today. There are 10 days until I go to Boston and my husband goes overseas, and convincing either company to work over a week end is near impossible. But I can't have them ripping off all the tiles, only to leave an exposed roof that no one will touch. I'm still holding off on the F word and keeping hope. B is for BAD.
I called the roofer. No. We won't touch the roof if the wood strips and underlayment aren't stripped. It's what the tile was attached to so it's contaminated. We consider it asbestos roofing material.
For 2 hours I could not get in touch with the owner of the asbestos crew. Despite being tight on time, I told the workers, STOP. Until the owner calls, we're done.
Of course, the last message got the owner's attention. She told me this means it's double the job. No it isn't, I replied. Come take a look yourself. It's nothing like taking off the asbestos tile. The wood and underlayment, the roofing material, will come off in one pull. I was careful about my language having studied the contract I signed. She told me she'd call me back.
That was 4 hours ago and I still haven't heard from her. Are they going to show tomorrow? Only 1/6 of the tiles were removed today. There are 10 days until I go to Boston and my husband goes overseas, and convincing either company to work over a week end is near impossible. But I can't have them ripping off all the tiles, only to leave an exposed roof that no one will touch. I'm still holding off on the F word and keeping hope. B is for BAD.
Lily
Belac's face absolutely lit up when he opened the mailbox yesterday. OH! It's for me! It's from Lily! He laughed with joy. He opened the envelope and found a colorfully decorated card with hugely smiling mushroom characters from the Mario Bros. game. He looked at each one carefully.
The cover read: Belac #1 Best, to Belac Love Lily. And inside: Dear Belac I'm glad your beter next Friday I am able to have a play date you'r my best freind. The drawing on the next page showed a girl and a boy holding hands with the sun shining above them, green grass below, and a blue mushroom next to Belac and a green mushroom next to Lily.
It's unbelievable. A phone call confirmed it. He's been invited to Lily's house for a play date today.
At breakfast I handed him some toast. I told him, let's pretend I'm Lily's mom and I just gave you snack. What do you say?
Thank you.
People like to hear good things. If you like their house, you can say, I really like your house! If you like the snack, you could say, this tastes so good! If someone asks you a question, should you ignore them or answer?
Answer!
On the way to school, he was doing his usual lolly gagging and far behind.
No one wants to keep saying: Come on Belac! Let's pretend I'm Lily. Are you going to walk behind her or with her? You really need to keep up, okay?
Okay, mama. Can we not talk about this now?
I know! What am I doing? I'm behaving like a control freak, that's what, and it's because I'm nervous for him. Nervous because he's going someplace I've never been without me. And I just have no idea what Lily's mother is going to think. No idea at all. I don't know her. He's not going to have me there to soften or casually explain or normalize anything away. He's on his own. And as long as the kids like each other, and Belac absolutely loves Lily, the mom has ultimate say as to if they can continue being friendly outside of school.
The cover read: Belac #1 Best, to Belac Love Lily. And inside: Dear Belac I'm glad your beter next Friday I am able to have a play date you'r my best freind. The drawing on the next page showed a girl and a boy holding hands with the sun shining above them, green grass below, and a blue mushroom next to Belac and a green mushroom next to Lily.
It's unbelievable. A phone call confirmed it. He's been invited to Lily's house for a play date today.
At breakfast I handed him some toast. I told him, let's pretend I'm Lily's mom and I just gave you snack. What do you say?
Thank you.
People like to hear good things. If you like their house, you can say, I really like your house! If you like the snack, you could say, this tastes so good! If someone asks you a question, should you ignore them or answer?
Answer!
On the way to school, he was doing his usual lolly gagging and far behind.
No one wants to keep saying: Come on Belac! Let's pretend I'm Lily. Are you going to walk behind her or with her? You really need to keep up, okay?
Okay, mama. Can we not talk about this now?
I know! What am I doing? I'm behaving like a control freak, that's what, and it's because I'm nervous for him. Nervous because he's going someplace I've never been without me. And I just have no idea what Lily's mother is going to think. No idea at all. I don't know her. He's not going to have me there to soften or casually explain or normalize anything away. He's on his own. And as long as the kids like each other, and Belac absolutely loves Lily, the mom has ultimate say as to if they can continue being friendly outside of school.
off with it!
The house is hermetically sealed and feels like a dungeon from inside. This morning, the crew surrounded our house and property with red ribbon stating DANGER! ASBESTOS! DO NOT CROSS! With every window sealed off with heavy duty plastic, the house looking vacant and the roof covered unintentionally with organic material, the house looks truly condemned. And this is when the real work begins.
I think all companies are the same. The owners take a huge fee and they send a crew that can barely speak English. So you're coming tomorrow, right? I asked one of the crew members. I don't know, he replied. My roofers come on Monday, I told him. Your boss told me 2-1/2 days and this is day 2. Miss! No way we will be done on Monday!! This is big job, this is asbestos!
Of course, I couldn't reach the owner yesterday or this morning. B is for BAD.
I think all companies are the same. The owners take a huge fee and they send a crew that can barely speak English. So you're coming tomorrow, right? I asked one of the crew members. I don't know, he replied. My roofers come on Monday, I told him. Your boss told me 2-1/2 days and this is day 2. Miss! No way we will be done on Monday!! This is big job, this is asbestos!
Of course, I couldn't reach the owner yesterday or this morning. B is for BAD.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
letters
5/5/11
Just went to the mailbox and sifted through a ton of junk. An envelope addressed to Belac Snowflake caught my eye, the writing was crooked and young looking. Flipped the envelope over and saw, From: Lily. It made me smile. I put the envelope back for him to find himself.
Why must love always get so complicated?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
good night
For the first time since March 2 - aside from some days away in Boston - I was not nearby when Jake went to sleep. Both boys again decided to sleep in the guest room together. My husband called and I left the room to speak with him. By the time I returned, both boys were fast asleep. Amazing!
Last Thursday, a new student arrived to Jake's class. She was transferred from another bigger class. She's completely blind and requires the assistance of an Aide. I asked Jake all about it and what, if anything, had changed. He told me about what was required to help this girl and remarked that his teacher was yelling a lot less. It's a brilliant solution if this switch was done as a result of some of the complaints. You put a blind child in the class who relies so much on her ears, so everyone around her - including the teacher who has the tendency to yell - has to be careful about how they use their voices. On top of that, the child has an Aide so there is another adult in the classroom at all times. I just really hope to God that this child wasn't used as a pawn in all this and that the switch benefits her as well!
Is it mere coincidence that Jake went right to sleep without needing me? I noticed tonight when we were going over some tricky math, that he laughed at himself despite my pushing him. It was the kid I know but hadn't seen in awhile. Maybe it's just a fluke, but good that he went right to sleep. I worried this kind of bedtime would never return!
Good night!
Last Thursday, a new student arrived to Jake's class. She was transferred from another bigger class. She's completely blind and requires the assistance of an Aide. I asked Jake all about it and what, if anything, had changed. He told me about what was required to help this girl and remarked that his teacher was yelling a lot less. It's a brilliant solution if this switch was done as a result of some of the complaints. You put a blind child in the class who relies so much on her ears, so everyone around her - including the teacher who has the tendency to yell - has to be careful about how they use their voices. On top of that, the child has an Aide so there is another adult in the classroom at all times. I just really hope to God that this child wasn't used as a pawn in all this and that the switch benefits her as well!
Is it mere coincidence that Jake went right to sleep without needing me? I noticed tonight when we were going over some tricky math, that he laughed at himself despite my pushing him. It was the kid I know but hadn't seen in awhile. Maybe it's just a fluke, but good that he went right to sleep. I worried this kind of bedtime would never return!
Good night!
you get what you get, and you don't get upset
I'm friendly with a mom of a child with Down's Syndrome. The child is 6 years old and in the 1st grade and was a 'surprise' baby. You see, the child has two older siblings, 1 in college and the other who is about to graduate high school. The couple believed they couldn't have their own biological children and adopted two as babies. That this woman became pregnant after decades of never before conceiving was remarkable. It must have felt like a miracle, like something meant to be. Did she know her daughter had Down's before she was born? I have to assume so in this day and age.
When I was pregnant with Belac, a 2nd trimester 3D ultrasound spotted an echogenic focus, I think it was called. Essentially, it was a spot on his heart, the presence of which indicated - we were told at the time - that he was many, many more times at risk for having Down's Syndrome. I knew why the OB didn't wait til the morning when I received her call late at night. If I was going to 'do' anything with this information, I had to act immediately. I was very pregnant.
My husband and I decided against an amnio, which would have given us a definitive answer about the Down's, but would have introduced other unnecessary risks to the fetus. At this point, 5 months in, the fetus was already moving about and we were already very attached to him no matter what the problems. Having the amnio was pointless.
Family reacted in very different ways to this decision. And to protect people who felt they had our best interests at heart but disagreed with this decision, I have to tread lightly here. There was some talk about how one should strive to have the 'perfect' baby when given the chance. Another pointed out that it might just be helpful to know beforehand. In the end, though, we felt (naively perhaps) we could deal with whatever lay ahead. One early February morning, Belac was born in a NYC hospital after just one push. The OB missed the whole delivery and everyone rejoiced that a healthy baby was born. Little did we know or imagine that 2-1/2 years later, autism would arrive at our doorstep.
I'm pro-choice and tend to have very liberal leanings. I understand why abortion is sometimes necessary for physical and emotional reasons for fetus and mother, and I continue to feel strongly that it is a very personal decision. But I do at times find our relatively easy access to abortion and our medical advances that allow us to screen for various conditions in vitro and even 'order' the kind of baby we want, unsettling. What will it do to our society if we eventually go the way of designer, 'problem free' babies? It's not so far out there. Look at China, where for generations, unspeakable scores of perfectly healthy babies have been abandoned and even left to die on the sole basis of being female. What does this pursuit of the 'perfect' legacy mean for future Belacs?
When I was pregnant with Belac, a 2nd trimester 3D ultrasound spotted an echogenic focus, I think it was called. Essentially, it was a spot on his heart, the presence of which indicated - we were told at the time - that he was many, many more times at risk for having Down's Syndrome. I knew why the OB didn't wait til the morning when I received her call late at night. If I was going to 'do' anything with this information, I had to act immediately. I was very pregnant.
My husband and I decided against an amnio, which would have given us a definitive answer about the Down's, but would have introduced other unnecessary risks to the fetus. At this point, 5 months in, the fetus was already moving about and we were already very attached to him no matter what the problems. Having the amnio was pointless.
Family reacted in very different ways to this decision. And to protect people who felt they had our best interests at heart but disagreed with this decision, I have to tread lightly here. There was some talk about how one should strive to have the 'perfect' baby when given the chance. Another pointed out that it might just be helpful to know beforehand. In the end, though, we felt (naively perhaps) we could deal with whatever lay ahead. One early February morning, Belac was born in a NYC hospital after just one push. The OB missed the whole delivery and everyone rejoiced that a healthy baby was born. Little did we know or imagine that 2-1/2 years later, autism would arrive at our doorstep.
I'm pro-choice and tend to have very liberal leanings. I understand why abortion is sometimes necessary for physical and emotional reasons for fetus and mother, and I continue to feel strongly that it is a very personal decision. But I do at times find our relatively easy access to abortion and our medical advances that allow us to screen for various conditions in vitro and even 'order' the kind of baby we want, unsettling. What will it do to our society if we eventually go the way of designer, 'problem free' babies? It's not so far out there. Look at China, where for generations, unspeakable scores of perfectly healthy babies have been abandoned and even left to die on the sole basis of being female. What does this pursuit of the 'perfect' legacy mean for future Belacs?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
amusements
My husband is away this week. How do I amuse myself?
Yesterday, I should have shopped for groceries. But since we still have milk and a little fresh produce left (and one less mouth to feed), I'm trying to see how long I can prepare a protein, vegetable/fruit, and starch at every meal before I really need to shop again. It will eventually mean making creative use of what's in the pantry and freezer. Can I hold off until my husband gets back on Friday? This is just another of the silly ways I amuse myself.
What else? We have an ugly shady side yard that no one uses or plays in. There are scraggly stumps that can trip you, pine needles everywhere, and the unsightly view of the neighbor's crumbling retaining wall and sagging house, that actually hangs a sign 'KEEP OUT!' I've been reading up on how to make a Japanese rock garden and what lovely plantings could grow in shade to hide the view.When I can't sleep, I'm dreaming about the improvements I'm going to make back there.
My other amusements are not as healthy. When my husband is not home, I always stay up way too late reading. I woke him at 12:45, the other night, and had no idea how late it was when I called after finishing my book. I also snack too much when he's not around and find I eat the weirdest stuff. Olives and pickles, a tin of sardines! the boys' halloween candy....
Shouldn't I be trying to save the world and making a difference somehow? Figuring out how I can host a child or two for the Fresh Air project? Brainstorming ways to expand my little business? What am I doing?
Yesterday, I should have shopped for groceries. But since we still have milk and a little fresh produce left (and one less mouth to feed), I'm trying to see how long I can prepare a protein, vegetable/fruit, and starch at every meal before I really need to shop again. It will eventually mean making creative use of what's in the pantry and freezer. Can I hold off until my husband gets back on Friday? This is just another of the silly ways I amuse myself.
What else? We have an ugly shady side yard that no one uses or plays in. There are scraggly stumps that can trip you, pine needles everywhere, and the unsightly view of the neighbor's crumbling retaining wall and sagging house, that actually hangs a sign 'KEEP OUT!' I've been reading up on how to make a Japanese rock garden and what lovely plantings could grow in shade to hide the view.When I can't sleep, I'm dreaming about the improvements I'm going to make back there.
My other amusements are not as healthy. When my husband is not home, I always stay up way too late reading. I woke him at 12:45, the other night, and had no idea how late it was when I called after finishing my book. I also snack too much when he's not around and find I eat the weirdest stuff. Olives and pickles, a tin of sardines! the boys' halloween candy....
Shouldn't I be trying to save the world and making a difference somehow? Figuring out how I can host a child or two for the Fresh Air project? Brainstorming ways to expand my little business? What am I doing?
Kati
I am absolutely heartbroken that my friend is moving from Sunny Patch. She just called to tell me and I wanted to cry. Congratulations, but please tell me you're joking! I had just expressed to my husband how happy and relieved I was to meet someone like her in Sunny Patch. She's this beautiful, incredibly thoughtful, and positive person. Belac and her youngest have been in the same class for the 2nd year in a row, and they have played regularly all year.
There are very few people who I feel I can truly be myself with and say what I want to say. And with Kati, our conversations are always too long and only end with kids and life pulling us away. There are even fewer people who I feel I could send Belac to without worrying he wouldn't be met with compassion. She is someone who is fascinated by details and nuances and lends interesting perspective to whatever matter at hand. She's not afraid of different and unfamiliar. She's also someone who almost made me cry when she unexpectedly took me aside and told me, when we were just getting to know each other: "Gimky, I really need to tell you something. I know you worry about Belac and I notice this and that about him and understand why, but I want you to know that I can see he is such a great, interesting kid! I really believe he's going to be fine and let me tell you why.... " I also just simply admire her as a mother of 3 beautiful girls.
But you do what you have to do. Her family has been limping along since her husband lost his job 2 years ago. For the last while they've scraping by with odd jobs and help from family to keep the roof over their heads. Finally, a surprisingly good job offer has come, but it's in San Francisco.
She's a true friend, this Kati. This is going to be very hard for me.
There are very few people who I feel I can truly be myself with and say what I want to say. And with Kati, our conversations are always too long and only end with kids and life pulling us away. There are even fewer people who I feel I could send Belac to without worrying he wouldn't be met with compassion. She is someone who is fascinated by details and nuances and lends interesting perspective to whatever matter at hand. She's not afraid of different and unfamiliar. She's also someone who almost made me cry when she unexpectedly took me aside and told me, when we were just getting to know each other: "Gimky, I really need to tell you something. I know you worry about Belac and I notice this and that about him and understand why, but I want you to know that I can see he is such a great, interesting kid! I really believe he's going to be fine and let me tell you why.... " I also just simply admire her as a mother of 3 beautiful girls.
But you do what you have to do. Her family has been limping along since her husband lost his job 2 years ago. For the last while they've scraping by with odd jobs and help from family to keep the roof over their heads. Finally, a surprisingly good job offer has come, but it's in San Francisco.
She's a true friend, this Kati. This is going to be very hard for me.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
U is for Ugh
F is for the asbestos abatement company, who just informed me they can't come tomorrow despite confirming otherwise on Friday night. F is not just a grade, it's also a 4 letter word followed by -ers.
T is for Thursday, the sunny day they will come instead.
S is for shit. Our roofers are scheduled to begin roofing on Thursday.
M is for next Monday, the earliest day the roofers could now come to us.
R is for Rain, scheduled to visit us again next Monday. No one will get on the roof with R.
W is for weather.com that predicts another week of rain beginning that Monday.
O is for out-of-town. My husband and I are both gone for much of May.
P is for my parents who will be here when I'm gone but have no capacity to stand up to attitude-filled, fast-talking NY crap. I don't even trust my husband to deal with it. I really have to be home for the roof.
J is for June. Tell me it's not so! Our roof is literally falling off and shedding tiles right and left. There's green growing everywhere up there, even something that looks like the beginnings of a tree. On Friday, a friendly mom remarked. No offense, Gimky, but OMG that roof of yours!
Can we just hang on through a few more weeks of rain?
screens
Nothing is more honest than meeting someone in person. All real relationships have to withstand the test of IRL or they just aren't completely real. I told my son, yesterday, that he should just go next door instead of calling on the phone. Lately I've found myself calling people rather than defaulting to email and txt. There's just less chance of misunderstanding when you can hear and see nuances, things you can't do when simply reading.
That has to be the reason some parents feel comfortable leaving their kids with me. After all, some have barely spoken to me and there is at least one big gossipy reason why they'd pause about sending their kid over alone, especially if the parent has never before stepped foot in this house. (Did you know her son has an aide? He's autistic, you know.) But people do see us walking to school every morning like clockwork, as they wait slowly with their cars at the drop off line. Sometimes they roll their windows down to say hi and there's even time to make a little chitchat. They do see me talking to the teachers and we linger at the playground almost everyday. Somehow my behavior must project that I'm not crazy. It makes sense that seeing me walk with the kids speaks volumes more than reading me and seeing a few pictures. For all anyone knows, here, this blog began as a writing exercise and I'm really just a fat, old man on a beach in Florida.
That has to be the reason some parents feel comfortable leaving their kids with me. After all, some have barely spoken to me and there is at least one big gossipy reason why they'd pause about sending their kid over alone, especially if the parent has never before stepped foot in this house. (Did you know her son has an aide? He's autistic, you know.) But people do see us walking to school every morning like clockwork, as they wait slowly with their cars at the drop off line. Sometimes they roll their windows down to say hi and there's even time to make a little chitchat. They do see me talking to the teachers and we linger at the playground almost everyday. Somehow my behavior must project that I'm not crazy. It makes sense that seeing me walk with the kids speaks volumes more than reading me and seeing a few pictures. For all anyone knows, here, this blog began as a writing exercise and I'm really just a fat, old man on a beach in Florida.
I understand that technology will likely be a huge asset for Belac. He can express himself with the written word much more easily without drawing attention to his eccentric behavior. But even his relationships - for better and not worse - will need to be tested IRL.
I think this essay describes it very well.
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