10K

I ran 10K, last Saturday. Ran 10K, this morning. And next Saturday, I run the 10K at Rockwood.

Though I'm almost 5 lbs. heavier than I was last year, I'm in much better shape than I was before last year's race. I run farther and slightly faster, now, and I've been running a few times a week since January.

Before I gained the almost 10 lbs. over winter by basically eating Belac's high caloric food, I wanted to lose 10 lbs! So I'll be back where I started in another month. But my goals have changed. I realize I will never be super skinny and I like to eat and drink. But I'm definitely addicted to being fit and stronger and maintaining this good feeling. The running has been great for me. Life changing, actually.

The best kids

As I was concocting something my beans could creep up, my boys came home. And when we exchanged 'how was your day' greetings, I told them I was sort of pissed. That the school that told me they would call yesterday, didn't even call me today!!

What? Belac asked, that's terrible!!

I'm sorry, Jake told me. It's okay, he added.

They sat with me and moseyed around while I worked on my garden.  We talked about all sorts of things.

I have the sweetest, best kids in the world.

conversations

I called Charlie, earlier, and we had a good chat. He just signed up new renters come late summer and now both his house and his mom's are fully rented. Things are good, now, he told me. However, he wanted to keep pursuing the possibility of a sale. The good thing, he pointed out, is that we both have time on our side. That's very true, I agreed.

Are you around, this summer? I asked him, maybe it's easier to discuss all of this in person. Hubby and I have been talking about your house and have questions we'd like to ask you.... Like what ideas you have about parking for the corner house. It otherwise makes separating the sale of both houses difficult . And would you be interested in selling just the one house? Another thing we were curious about is your brother's plans for his house, since it shares the driveway with yours. And price...  maybe you could let us know a ballpark number so it's clear we're on the same page?

We got our calendars out and set a date, midsummer, after Marlo's family moves out. He's going to give us a tour and go through all the details with us.

Gimky, he told me, I want you to know we haven't taken any action. The house is not currently listed and we haven't talked to agents. It of course means a lot to us that you and hubby are serious about this... The set up - as you are well aware - is not for everyone, but that you lived here and were happy  means a lot to us.

What happened the last time the houses went up on market? I wondered, was he burned somehow? Was he really this sentimental about who owns the houses next? More concerned about that than getting the best possible price? Then again, his mom and dad have owned the corner muli-family for over 40 years, since when he was a kid. He married his kindergarten sweetheart and bought the multi-family next door and his brother bought the 3rd multi-family on that corner. They were together like this for a long while. It's really a beautiful set up, when you think about it, and it quite literally kept the family together and offered up options for changing situations. The brother now lives elsewhere, but his MIL lives in his house. So it's possible that Charlie could really be that sentimental. And it just occurred to me that our family has 2 boys, too....

So maybe in these conversations, he continued, we can come to an agreement that is reasonable for all of us. That sounds good to me, I told him, I appreciate that we can talk like this.

Charlie's

Last night, I had a dream that someone borrowed my violin bow. I didn't think it was a good idea, but didn't want to appear ungenerous. And when it was returned to me, it wasn't my bow at all and it was in piss poor shape. To the extent that I couldn't play on it and the concert was already in motion. I uncharacteristically snuck on stage while the concert was happening and asked the girl, where's my bow? This one is not it! We looked everywhere backstage and it couldn't be found. Clearly there had been a switcheroo with someone. I had no documentation on the bow, no insurance, and no proof that this terrible bow was not mine. Just that the bow maker had etched his name into the wood, it was a Chinese name, and there was no way I would have ever bought a Chinese bow!

Earlier, I was off to a special needs meeting. Chris, the previous owner of our house, was just passing our house with her dog. The landscape guy, who plows our drive in the winters and was also previously hired by Chris, was working on our neighbor's yard. We all ended up chatting. Four years ago, Chris' daughter was off to college and was spending her last summer at what is now our house. She has now graduated and just came 'home' and is looking for a job. Turns out, her younger daughter had gone off to college, this past year, but survived all of 3 months. She also moved home and is attending the local community college. I had no idea. All 3 of them were reunited again, but not in the house they grew up in, but their mom's 3 BR apartment.  The landscape guy's son has one more year at his college, and he was going to spend his summer in Colorado over an internship. We did nothing for him, he told us, and he manages fine. My younger one! he told us, I don't know how he's going to make it and he gets everything from us....

Late last night, hubby and I had the quiet to talk. There's a long message on our machine from Charlie, I told him, he called yesterday and really wants to sell his house to us.... Gimky, I'm not ready to give up on Belac and his being independent. Me neither, I assured him, but a lot of kids are living at home or coming back post-college, and we are talking neurotypicals. This is the reality we live in: kids with high student loan debt, job scarcity, jobs that don't pay enough to live on, and kids living with their parents until they figure it out.... Your littlest brother lived in your parents apartment for 2 years, with a wife and a kid, working and saving all their pennies, remember? It's how they saved for a down payment. It's the new reality. I don't want to live in this house with grown kids. Big as it is, it's not set up properly for that.... Even though Charles wants too much for the house - maybe we can bargain with him - the sale price, along with the operating costs and taxes... it's a very cost and space efficient package that would result in significant savings. And that apartment! It's so valuable, hubby, I could hear myself almost begging. We could bump into it and use it ourselves if our kids don't need it. But just in case, we'd have it for Belac.... I think he's going to need to commute to college, I stated very gently. The house is better located than this one, being in the thick of things, and the apartment preserves everyone's dignity. Especially his.

Data shows, collected by Yale University's child study center, that most autistic kids who both attend college and live on campus in their first years, never manage to graduate. If college kids on the spectrum wait to live more independently until their 3rd year, however, their likelihood of graduation increases to 70%. And the truth is, an attached apartment, right on the train line into Manhattan and right in the center of town... it's really the ideal set up for someone like Belac, who needs the extra time and support and practice of being a grown up.

We'd put in an Ikea kitchen like this, right? hubby thought aloud, fix up the kitchen. Yes, I told him, it would be smaller than this but it could be really nice. We'd fix up the bathrooms, too, and have some closets built.... And maybe I could take a more fulfilling job, even if it pays less, he added. It allows for more flexibility, I agreed.

And that's how we left it.

I really want to buy that house. I don't want to end up with a Chinese bow.

it's 5:53

And technically that means they have 7 minutes to call me.

I just finished my piano students and am about to pick up the kids. I had my cell phone in my pocket all day.

I think if you say you're going to call someone, you have to call them. If not, you have to leave a message. Maybe there's a good reason she didn't call, but I'm a stickler on this sort of thing and being super professional. It's really one of the most important things to me, to be good on one's word.

I had 4 exchanges with the school in Greenwich, today. About what the pay is, how many classes there are, how many kids, general goals, questions about optimal class size and what they ultimately want to do. Everything was totally out in the open and the thinking was very organized. Not the same with Bridgeway, where they've never been forthcoming about pay or exactly what teaching a middle school elective means and how they expect to grow that program. In an initial phone interview, the director wanted a description of some classes I could give and would help me decide what to teach, but she never got back to me before I showed up at the school, so I simply went with what I knew best. The process has just generally been much more opaque, and again, I wonder if I was never really in the running. I reread the job description and nowhere did it say anything about certification, the hang up in my interview.

I told hubby this morning, as I hit send on my email that I had had him proof read, that I thought the person responsible for hiring this position was flaky and a procrastinator. And that maybe I am intimidating because I dot every i and cross every t, and am reliable in a way that could also threaten her position as my potential boss. There's that dynamic, too, to consider.

I am now assuming I didn't get the job, otherwise she surely would have called to at least deliver that tidbit for later discussion. I think it's easier for her to call me tomorrow, tell me right before she heads off to her week end and doesn't have to think about it anymore. Still, I'm glad I interviewed. I discovered that I really like teaching middle-schoolers, an older group than I'm regularly used to, and a change like this would really excite me. They should have hired me! I would have bent over backwards for the kids.

before or after

BEFORE: My peony bush was growing sideways in brush and between rocks. So I thought I'd do it a favor and move it to a more prominent and sunny position so it could grow and get attention.

AFTER:  Bad idea. It's drooping where it is now too exposed to the morning sun.

AFTER: Potted 3 Japanese maples I dug up in the pachysandra. I have hundreds more, hiding in the weeds and pachysandra, and I've decided to pot them all and give them away as gifts. Obviously a good idea because they can't all grow up in my yard and are otherwise mostly composted with the weeds.

So all to say this. I will let my ego get bent out of shape for just one day if I don't get the job. And then I'll move on. Promise. Like my plants, I need to be in the right environment in order to blossom and do a good job. Next week, I am scheduled to teach 40 kids in 3 music classes at the new school in Greenwich, after which I will interview with their director. I will make the best of whatever happens.

count down

Dear Suss,

Happy Spring! I hope you've been well.

As the year ties up, my school is trying to finalize next year's schedule with me and I've received other inquiries about my availability. If you could give me an idea of when a decision will be made about the music teaching position, that would be very helpful.

Bridgeway continues to be my first choice.

Thanks so much,

Gimky @ 7:30am
***************

Hi Gimky, we are making a decision today and I will be in touch in the afternoon. Sorry to hold you up.

Suss @ 7:46am
*************

So we will see. I nudged and am waiting. I pretty much feel I didn't get the job or I'd know by now. There wouldn't be this hold up, i.e. waiting for someone else to get back to them?  But a rejection would honestly be OK. I taught and interviewed well and it was the best it could have gone for me. I succinctly followed up in writing how my education and experience prepared me for this job, the education piece being a sticking point - I could tell - from the interview. I did everything I could without sounding desperate. If they don't choose me, I'll know it wasn't a good fit. At least by this afternoon, I can stop waiting.

garden photos

I have become obsessed with my garden. I've planted starters and ornamental grass, wildflowers and vegetables from seeds and everything is starting to bud. Today, I carried 20 bags of mulch and weeded an unsightly mess from the street. I also bought spray because I now have poison oak up both hands and arms; it's coming back strong and growing up the side of our house again. I can tell it's going to be another battle with the weeds. 

Here are some plantings that are growing nicely. It makes me happy to check on them, everyday. Can't believe I'm taking and posting photos of my plants.

I have 7 different kinds of tomatoes growing

swiss chard - need to thin out

beans

lettuce

asian lily - now divided into 4 smaller plants like this

chicks and hen - retransplanted

stone crop - now in a bigger pot

salvia - doubled since last year

hostas - divided and replanted and looking kind of dorky, I should have staggered them, oh well!

phone call

The school called. There was an incident in Art. A kid was bothering Belac and narrating every little thing he was doing. Belac didn't ask him to stop. (He didn't think he would, Belac explained.) He didn't ask the teacher for help. (He didn't think she'd help.) Didn't want to move from sitting next to Ethan. (It was really important to Belac that he sit next to Ethan.) But then Belac lost his temper at this boy, cursed, and then started crying.

Was there a physical altercation? No.

Was it a big scene? Like did all the kids see and hear? No, I don't think so, I think he was trying to control it and the crying was more like weeping and brushing away tears.

Could he get it together before class was over? No. It took him 45 minutes to pull himself together in another room. On top of this, he was of course upset that he missed art entirely. But we needed to talk about what he could do instead, next time. Just wanted to let you know so you could talk to him about it at home.

Thank you so much!

It was the psych intern from school. She is awesome, and also happened to be his camp counselor, years ago. She told me once how amazingly far she thought he had come, not having seen him for 3 years. And you know what? I'm so proud of Belac, who has clearly learned over the years how to better manage his emotions. He didn't use his hands and didn't get physical. He did all the right things when you're upset and need an emotional release. The crying (although seen as wimpy for a boy, so much more acceptable than getting physical) and the swearing (I think the F word, they talked about alternatives but I don't care that much, there was no threatening to others of any sort). And after all was said and done, there was a vow to be more proactive about who he sits next to in the future.

A good call. It's crazy, but the news was uplifting.

looking around

Was I interested in teaching music at a school in Greenwich? Was the question. They could promise me 4 classes for now, with the intention and hope to grow the school.... There had been a lot of visitors to the nursery school, sitting in on music, lately. I'm glad I didn't know I was auditioning for a job, but of course this inquiry puts a smile on my face. Yes, I'm interested.

Yesterday, one of the web design firms called and asked me what was happening. I'm looking for a partner, is what's happening. And who I'm meeting up with for lunch is a woman I became friendly with when we lived at the house on the hill.  She and her husband had adopted 2 girls from Russia, and the oldest began exhibiting extreme psychological and behavioral issues from a very young age, preventing her from remaining in a 'normal' school. She now attends a local 12-month therapeutic school. The parents, 5 years ago, were interested in physically separating their daughters after school, so they gladly sent their little one to my house, where she would participate in play therapy with Belac and sometimes stay for dinner. They needed a refuge for their daughter, Belac needed a peer his age in play therapy, and so it just worked out beautifully.

The mom now works as a speech pathologist. Four years ago, they were trying not to drown in debt from accommodating their eldest child and we had talked about the need for some kind of service. She's the only person I can think of teaming up with on such a project. In large part, because she hasn't given up on the idea that maybe her daughter can figure things out and live a semi-independent life, and so she's always researching, talking to people, and trying to figure it out with her daughter. So maybe we can build this together....

What - of all these things I dabble in - would make the most substantial impact? What would be most fulfilling? If I were to get the job in NYC, it would be pretty hard to turn down. But I have to realize that it would probably zap my energy and then would I really try to start the business? Let's be real. Do I also really want to commute in, 3 times a week? But I also don't know anything yet. At this point, I'm simply barking up every tree and seeing what happens.

By the way, my snap peas and rainbow swiss chard popped their heads out of the soil for the first time, this morning. They look like little soldiers!

504

Does he know you're here?

Does he know why?

Yes, and yes. They glanced at each other around the table. The Social Studies teacher looked to the Guidance Counselor and noted, there is a movement towards getting kids more involved in these discussions, she said, this would be interesting. The Asst. Principal looked at me. I had them in a corner, really. I had earlier told them how I had taken Jake with me to conference with most of his teachers, and how it had made a difference to include him in the discussion of how he's doing and how he could improve. (But it wasn't enough, he still struggled.) They had just asked me what kind of note taker Jake was. I had absolutely no idea. Could we invite him here? I suggested. This had obviously not been done before given the glances around the room. The Asst. Principal made the call, finally. Ok, let me get him from 8th period and let's all talk this over with him.

Not 2 minutes later, Jake was sitting at a big conference table among us 5 adults. We talked about various accommodations to help with his attention (prompting, preferential seating, extra time on tests) and asked his input on each item and what would be helpful. What was particularly hard for him. (He was always rushing through his exams, math in particular.) What tactics did he try to refocus himself? a teacher asked. (Twirling pen and talking to himself.) How about Study Skills? Yes. If I missed something, Mr. Slots made sure I got it done, that was really helpful. Jake was very respectful and remarkably articulate when questioned. When asked if there was anything else, he mentioned that it would be great if ALL of the teachers were good about updating their websites with homework due. Not all of them did this. Otherwise, he was good with everything we talked about. I was proud of him for explaining himself and his unassuming and easy demeanor. Before he left, the guidance counselor made it a point to tell Jake that he really needed to speak up with questions and for help from his teachers because everyone wanted to help him be more successful.

Wow, the guidance counselor later remarked to me, most middle school kids would not have done so well, suddenly being put on the spot like this. Well, we've been talking all year about his tendencies and what to do, I explained, this was nothing new for him. It shows, said the Asst. Principal, he knows himself.

They were definitely not fighting any denial from us.

I left the middle school lighter than before. I think the school is trying and working with us. Able to be flexible. And I think and hope - knock on wood - Jake is going to be okay.

He now has a 504.

affairs

I had just handed over her empty Pyrex in a surprise visit and needed to rush off to the boys' school. Hey, can we talk for a minute? Sure, I said. I've really been needing to talk to you, she explained solemnly and now I was all ears. Was everything okay? Was she upset with me about something? She closed the screen behind her and we stood on her porch. She closed her eyes and began, my mom is fading fast, she can barely sit up now....

She rambled on. They were changing the wills of both her mother's and her's this week while her mom was still lucid. We had some exchanges about a special needs trust for her daughter, about an executor of the will they were crossing out. She told me about various incidents with the kids' godparent, her best friend, and how she wasn't so sure about her anymore. Particularly because she didn't get the special needs part. And then she closed her eyes, again, and kept talking, my mom had this feeling about you from the very beginning....

All of her unusual rambling was not getting anywhere fast and I now needed to be with Jake's teachers in less than 10 minutes. Dot, I interrupted finally. She opened her eyes and looked at me like a scared little girl. Dot, I said, I love Ethan and Shosh. I know you do, she told me, pausing, almost waiting. Was she afraid I was going to say no? Maybe because of her girl, not exactly a piece of cake?  If this is what you're trying to ask me, the answer is yes. I will love your children and take care of them to the best of my ability should anything happen to you. He's home away from home with us, anyway, I shrugged. And your girl? Well, we have a nice thing going, even if I say so myself. 

She sighed and hugged me, thank you. You're welcome, I patted her back. And that was that. I zoomed off, she went inside. It's this kind of year, I guess. Everyone is getting their affairs in order.

life skills

I asked Dr. Ashton how he found his son's life skills coach. She introduced herself to me, actually, he explained, at a lecture I gave. And I was impressed. She checks in on him, everyday. Makes sure that his apartment looks in order. If he has a lot of work to do, he does the work on her computer at her house and he'll bring a load of laundry there, too. Usually, I send the screwed up ones to her. The families with drug addicts, alcoholics... she is on top of things and that is her background and she is a great match for my son. If you ever call her, you'll tell her Dr. Ashton sent you but that you're not screwed up, he chuckled, at least not that I know....

And so that is the thing. Every parent has to find their own way with each kid with whatever resources they have. And hopefully that is 'enough.'

And now I hear about the recent Santa Barbara rampage. I don't let myself read much about it and I won't view the videos even if they are accessible, as it's the kind of real life stuff that truly haunts me. You wonder if the kid got all the help in the world and it still ended up this way, or if he didn't get enough proper help and this tragedy could have been prevented. You wonder if the kid felt truly loved by his parents or that he mattered or even had a religious upbringing, if it would still have ended up this way. You wonder if having the director of the "Hunger Games" as a dad exacerbated the boy's already skewed reality? If he had much of a father after the divorce? And what if the parents had hired a prostitute for him? Just pay someone to give him a certain experience...? Would that have taken the edge off his rants?

Yesterday at the town pool, Belac was happy to bump into a friend from school and they goofed around the pool together. I noticed another kid said 'hello, Belac!' happily enough in passing. A new girl, Brianna, called and they spoke 30 minutes on the phone and his friend Ean had begged his mom to spend the night, last Friday, when they were over for Shabbat dinner.... I mean, this is what you call a social life, and a full one at that. Could he do it by himself? He's certainly gotten a lot of help from me in that I bring him everywhere, push him to speak up and have made our home a place kids like to hang out. I have to hope that he is learning from and enjoying the constant interaction with others, and that moving forward he will make more and more effort himself.

2 weeks ago I was crying in Dr. Ashton's office because I'm worried about my kids getting to where they need to be and being where they need to be. There's no instruction manual, he told me, and this is Westchester County, the land of over-achievers.... But thinking it over, I realize I am not totally lost. I do have a strong personal philosophy that I've been running with. First and foremost, maintaining a generally nurturing, consistent and emotionally stable home has been my priority as a mom. And then, making sure both kids get a lot of social practice and peer interaction in the form of play dates and being out and about. Their long term success has everything to do with their emotional well-being, in my opinion. Then there is personal hygiene and getting all your work done, of course....

dinner on the beach

This afternoon we were guests of Kati's MIL We ate dinner on the beach at her club and then watched the kids run around for hours. Izzy in her dress, my boys in their collared shirts, dipping their feet in the water, swinging, playing tag. Izzy's older sister joined in with her cousins and they were all over the place, playing hide and seek and racing up and down the beach. Apparently some little kids decided to follow Belac and Hanush 'protected' Belac....

From our table we could see the kids zipping along. And here we were, sitting comfortably among Kati's extended family. How lucky are we for this easy friendship.  

I'm grateful the boys and Izzy still play, I remarked as I looked wistfully on at some game that looked like king of the castle, I hope they never grow out of it. 

I know, Kati agreed as she twirled a lock of hair in her finger, something she always does when thinking about something, I know.  

club

Soon we are leaving for my childhood friend's in CT. We are meeting them at the pool at their club. I can appreciate it and do enjoy it for what it is. You give someone a number and you can order drinks and food right to your poolside seat and never see a bill until it comes through the mail. Every visiting male wears a collared shirt. It's picture perfect and luxurious. The kids swim and there are hundreds of goggles, toys, floaters and the such for the using. Everyone can grab as many bleached white towels as you want, and there are showers with fancy soap and shampoo and all the accoutrements you might need to clean yourself up. Still, I like our pool better. You know why?

At their pool, there is an avalanche of small talk and niceties and smiles. There is so much posturing and sizing up it is ridiculous. Every kid is in private school, every kid is smart, and every family has something to say and prove and commiserate on. I know how to play the part but it's tiresome.

Our pool is crunchy granola. It cost 350 per family for the entire family, as opposed to their 10K for the summer. People - if they even have them - leave their Rolex watches and Gucci purses at home. People are not adorned with jewels and fancy stuff. We are at the pool, after all. The chairs are all plastic, the kind that make marks on your thighs.... But the actual pool is equally beautiful and actually bigger than the club's, and people are just much more friendly in an inclusive way. It's the town pool, after all, not a club.

And you know what we're waiting on, right now? For Belac to finish a playdate with a friend, also on the spectrum. We're not cutting that short to get to my friend's pool a second earlier than we need to. The boy lives in a tiny 2 bedroom ranch house with his parents at the bottom of a hill. They are not very hip or cool or what you'd call, with it. But the parents are the nicest, most unassuming people and the boys are loyal friends, who now eat together almost every day at lunch. Belac's friends are my friends. We are in the same club.

cute

I poked my head into the family room. Belac was conversing to someone on the other end of his cell phone. i could hear the entire conversation on his speaker phone. Where did you find the 20 dollars? In town, in front of Aunt B's, I heard the voice say. There was some discussion about google and where certain stores were downtown. Who was this person?

Who are you talking to? I asked Belac. Brianna, he replied, and then ran off with his phone upstairs.

His therapist and I had just spoken yesterday about helping him develop the back and forth skills of conversation and here he was, doing just fine, back and forth on the phone with this girl. I eavesdropped from his door. They were discussing and comparing games on the ipad and doing just fine.

Yesterday, a 22 year old kid killed/harmed 13 people before killing himself. He was in college and from a well-to-do family. He was distraught about having no friends or sexual opportunities. It also revealed somewhere that he was high-functioning autistic.

Who is she? hubby asked. Someone in her class, I told him, I hope she's cute...!

Gimky! he told me, it doesn't matter. It's wonderful! She sounds nice. And it's not Flower, he added as an afterthought with a chuckle.

Still, I hope she's cute.

in check

I was tired all week. I mean, I had been crazy busy the previous weeks so it seemed normal enough... But then hubby got back from a run, today, and asked me when I had last been out. It was last Saturday, over the town 5K. Go out and run, he told me, you'll feel better. I dare you to run 10K while you're at it, he added as he went off to shower, the 10K is in 2 weeks, don't forget....

All it took was a dare. I made sure to stretch well and paid attention to my shins that are feeling almost normal again. I took it slowly, my new slow - I chuckled proudly - at 12 minutes a mile. It was cloudy and cool, and I was able to run 6.29 miles easily around town. I felt energized and was obviously happy about this progress, but also realize this was last year's goal. Maybe I should try for a half-marathon this summer.

I think we are good in this way, hubby and me. Without much drama, we kind of keep each other in check.

job

If I had to guess, I think I didn't get that teaching job. I understand there are other candidates, but I just have this feeling that if they wanted me or had some inkling about hiring me, they'd have at least reached out in some shape or form. Something tells me I will again be runner-up.

It's interesting. There is another music position in Manhattan teaching K-2. It's not far from Bridgeway. My experience and qualifications align completely with the job description, but it's not something I could see myself commuting to the city for. It has nothing to do with special needs. But maybe I should send my resume, anyway, and see what happens.

The good news is that I'm not looking for work under duress. But what to do that is meaningful and allows for flexibility given that the kids still need me. Why is there nothing in Westchester?

small world

So you might be getting a call from a girl named Marlo...

I know Marlo! Tell her to call me! I exclaimed. She's renting Charlie's house. They are the tenants - a family of 5 - that came after us and we bump into each other now and again. This is how I came to find out that they just bought a house in town and now wanted a reference for this local company that puts together Ikea kitchens.

Marlo came over, last week, and we had a good laugh about things. Also how they, too, had been tempted to stay put at Charlie's house. This morning at 6:30 am, Marlo's hubby popped in for a visit with tot on his hip. You know what? he told me, when you come over you're going to have to pretend we didn't copy you. After we got to the store, we realized we liked your color scheme better and we're going with it. Along with the stainless shelves.... by the way, it's weird, he pointed at our wall, we have that same sign in our kitchen...!

They, too, had ended up at Charlie's house over their own heartache. He had lost his job and they were cobbling together between small jobs and his wife's part-time work. Totally smart people, they were lucky to sell their house just months after he lost his job and get themselves to Charlie's. Now in 3 years, they are back on their feet and have purchased a charming house in town. They are thoughtful, responsible, totally sweet. They bounced back! It's a success story.

On his way out, he somehow told me that the youngest was going to need services and was currently getting speech. I used to say that, too. "Getting speech" is such an easy way to alert someone to something amiss without causing too great a reaction.  Had he heard our story? I wasn't sure. Look, I told him as we said goodbyes, we have had so much work on this house and I also have a kid, I nodded in Belac's direction as the kids ate breakfast, who has had intensive services since age 3... Just call me if you need anything!

What a small, small world.

Spare time

cleaning up

I have been eavesdropping on a meeting. Hubby has been going through the synagogue finances with 2 board members for the past hour. I just heard him say he had a work call to take at 9 and needs to push forward. I happen to know that someone is calling at 9 to beg him to become President of the synagogue.

I'm going to tell him no, hubby told me in the 15 minutes we had over a quick dinner, I don't have the time and want to join the biking club on the so little spare time I have. I'm going to listen to what Jerry has to say, but it's going to be no. You know why he's not going to continue on for a second term? Because his daughter, pretty severely autistic, has health related problems. I didn't know.

We sat in silence.

You know what is so sad? I pointed out to hubby, he has never brought his daughter to synagogue. She has never stepped foot in the place. No one even knows, and this is supposed to be his community? A place he has given so much of his time and effort can't even be a sanctuary for his family? Hubby, I began, maybe this is an opportunity you can't pass up. This is Sunny Patch, a place families come to for the special needs public education. The synagogue has the opportunity to meet the needs of its community like it piss poor hasn't and to reinvent itself to be viable and valuable. I'm on the building community committee and have resources to turn to, I can help. You have leadership skills.... Look. We have reached the other side, shouldn't we help others do the same? If you don't do it, who will and who can? It's a two year commitment that happens to end right after Belac's bar mitzvah. Isn't it perfect? Doesn't it make sense?

music program

Hubby wonders if I should try to grow a music program at the church nursery school. I do have something good there. I taught 2 of the 5 priests kids when they were young and the kids of both main nursery school teachers. I play music for the various ceremonies.  My mommy and me classes have grown every semester, I now have 28 babies and tots. He wonders if I could grow something that could also benefit the church. I'm not Greek, is the thing. And I'm not exactly sure how they'd feel about it. But I definitely feel at home there, love the families and kids, the food, the community, that the priest is funny and is married and has children, so why not at least think about it?

I get asked about piano and violin lessons all of the time. But I'm located west and north, and most of the families are from the east. But coming to the church for lessons... now that would be convenient. And they have a beautiful grand piano and space for concerts!

I have my thinking cap on.

President

We happened to be together with Kiki, last night, when she got a call. We know you don't want to be the synagogue President and you've made it very clear to us. However, if you were to Co-President with Gimky's hubby, would you reconsider? That was a smart question, actually. Our families are good friends and get along, people like us enough in the community, and perhaps together hubby and Kiki could help turn things around. But the answer, again, was a flat-out no. Kiki has been on the executive board for the past 3 years and hasn't been able to get anything done to save what appears inevitable and now just wants out.

They can't get anyone to be President of our synagogue starting July 1. No one has the time or inclination. Hubby, who has helped the Treasurer keep tabs on the money, has evaluated the synagogue's finances and believes it will be belly-up by 2016. It's a sinking ship. The executive committee has gone down the chain of command and asked at least 3 other people to take this leadership position, but all have said no, no and no.

Today, hubby got a call. Will you please, please be the President of the synagogue. People like you, you have a good understanding of the problems, blah, blah, blah. They are so desperate, hubby told me, and what spare time do I have for this?? I told them that I have only a new and naive understanding about how a synagogue functions and surely they have someone else they could ask?

You know what? Though I laughed at hubby being pulled into this - he's not a religious guy, a shmoozer or a synagogue going type - I think he could actually be the synagogue's saving grace. They'd be so lucky. (And maybe we could reinvent ourselves as being a Hebrew School that offers classes for special needs kids.) Hubby really grasps numbers and what needs to happen over the long term. He is very straight forward and doesn't sit around waiting for a miracle. But he's not just a hardcore numbers guy, either, but a think outside of the box problem solver. He comes to money with compassion and discipline and a lot of planning. In trying to save this synagogue, he'd come at it from the most sincere and reasonable place. Especially as someone who has experienced plenty, just enough, and not enough.

Hubby for President! I exclaimed, laughing earlier. But then over dinner, we discussed just what it would entail. The energy and the stress for him and what it would mean for our family. And for no additional income. I don't think so, hubby told me. Me neither, I told him.

It's 10:02 pm. What has he been doing for the last while? Talking to people in China. He's been up since 5:30 am and busy enough. He wants to join a running/biking club. He so deserves it and I want him to have time for himself. You know what? You pick and choose your battles. 

special needs community

Belac 5/2014

This morning, I helped facilitate a meeting called by the organization I volunteer for. I was charged with taking notes on a big white pad for all to see. The organization is taking a new direction in aiming to be very parent centered. We are currently running a series of open houses, town-hall meetings, asking special needs parents to come and discuss what they need from the community that they're not getting. 18 parents showed, today. One of the women burst into tears upon taking her turn to speak. Talking about the isolation of having special needs children. Never knowing if a certain family event would really work for her family, being upset and disappointed that ventures out so often turned awry when so many other 'normal' families there were happy enough. Always planning an exit strategy in advance. Feeling like there was no one else in the world who understood. Being surrounded by so many people but feeling so alone.

Need support, I wrote over and over in so many different ways, need community.

Looking around the room, I noted that a lot of these parents had children in their teen years and beyond. Special needs was nothing new to most, and for the most part, the kids were adequately provided for educationally and therapeutically, but feelings of sadness and loneliness (still) prevailed. The special needs estate lawyer I hired to take care of our affairs? She was someone who showed. I didn't realize she had 2 kids, herself and would come to make her opinion heard. Where are the other parents? she asked. Where is my community? They're hiding, I don't know where to find them.

A couple of months ago, I had lunch with Soo. She told me in passing that Brian had just had his annual review. At 11 years old, he was developmentally still at 5 years old and it was possible he'd remain at that age. I'm okay with it, she shrugged. I could tell she wanted to tell me, the way good friends tell each other things, but it was clear she didn't want my sympathy or hoopla over that tidbit. And you know what has changed in the last year for her? She has regular help with her son now and uninterrupted time with the rest of her family. She also has community, something she has really worked hard to develop. She's one of the lucky ones.

Nothing is easy when you feel like you're all alone. 18 people showed up and it seemed most all had resources to go and consult the experts about any problem. So what inspired them to show up? Loneliness and the need for connections with other parents. The need for someone to help them build their own community.

Could those introductions start on-line...? That's the question I have. And who could be my partner to share in the financial burden of getting this thing built and designing something truly effective?

role model

before 

after

My favorite adult student comes for her lesson, today. She is someone who sold her jewelry business while in her late 50s and then began a Master's program at Sarah Lawrence College. This week end, she graduates with a degree from Sarah Lawrence College and will soon be starting a new job at Westchester Medical Center as an advocate in Public Health. She is also someone who has attended my concerts in Boston. Gives me books to read. Knows my worries about my boys. Has the same interests and concerns about American politics and healthcare that often lead to discussions that interrupt the music....

Regina, Mrs. A, and now Laurel... they are all in the same category. Strong, thoughtful, curious women who took control of their lives, came to their own opinions, and had ambitions about how they wanted to live and improve the world around them. They each had only very modest means but gave endless time, thoughts and effort to others for no glorified recognition. Disciplined and determined. Amazing human beings. Lucky me to have had these role models.

my garden

Listen. If his behavior changes because you let him be, then let him be. But if it punishes him, then you have to oversee what's going on. And you try to teach him along the way. I struggle with this with my own son, and the things I have done for him....  Unfortunately, kids don't come with an instruction manual.  I hate to see a parent cry. You are a good mom, Dr. Ashton told me, you are one of my favorite parents and you're not doing anything wrong.... You don't want your kids peeling vegetables, plus there's no jobs like that to be had in Westchester, anyway. You want your kids going to college. Are you going to keep them from driving? Of course not.... Every child needs to be celebrated. Celebrated. And then I had a good laugh about the stupid inspirational autism writings he pointed out always have the last paragraph that contradicts everything. We are on the same page about identifying crap.

I brushed away tears.

It was a quite a day between starting the morning yelling at Jake, the funeral and then meeting up with Dr. Ashton with both boys. I otherwise spent every free moment ripping up pachysandra. My garden never looked better.

funeral service

You can get philosophical and try to find meaning in this, but when your best friend suddenly leaves you... it sucks....

Three people got up to speak. It was both beautiful and heart-breaking. His 18 year old son, his best friend and his 50 year old little brother....

Walking out, Kiki murmured, Dave so did not want to take a math test, this morning, he asked me to bring him to the funeral! You have to prepare me for life, he told me!! Oh my God, I laughed, that is so Dave! But you know, Kiki, in retrospect, I wish I could have brought my boys with me. To hear his son speak of how he loves his dad, that this kid was able understand those feelings AND articulate them so thoughtfully and sincerely...! I'm pretty sure the boys would have learned more here, than anything they could have at school today. Oh my God, I laughed, how Tiger Mom would that be to bring your kids to a funeral as a learning experience?!

Don't let yourself get bored. Value this precious time. Follow your passions and take care of your relationships.

Shape

I've lost 4 pounds since April 30. I've also been fighting shin splints. I'm going to have to go back to the treadmill. I should have taken it easy during the transition to running on the road. I'll have to see if I can shake this by the 10k.

Still, driving into Boston yesterday, I felt differently sitting for so long. My thighs were not oozing all over my seat as usual, but tighter. My legs have clearly taken shape like they never had before. My tire is smaller too!. I will never be very skinny or a bikini wearing kind of girl, but that my body is finally taking shape after 4 months of exercise is heartening. Now for my arms!

Ends and beginnings

Tomorrow morning I attend a funeral.

Do you think it's weird for me to go? I asked Kiki, I never knew the husband. Doesn't matter, she replied, you're going to support Merry, and that's why I'm going. Okay, I texted back, see you there.

She earns a modest living as our synagogue's secretary. She still has 2 kids in highschool to provide for. Likely has a mortgage. Life goes on. But what happens now when the rug has been pulled from under your feet?

I can see my dad is interested in my getting this teaching job. He has admired my garden, where my Swiss chard and lettuce have started budding. He welcomes me back from my runs around town. Listens to me practice and teach. He asks me how I made the chicken for dinner and tries my various kale and quinoa recipes like a good sport, likes that I always take them to a different restaurant when they're in town....  He understands and appreciates me. He also knows I need something new.  Before I sent the follow up letter to the school, he strongly urged me to change a sentence that he felt undermined my experience. You're being too modest, he told me.

If you're lucky to live a long life, you ultimately outlive others. Trust in relationships is huge and important. But so is being emotionally strong and financially capable. What will happen to my mom without my dad?

SY

The car is parked at a meter, after hours. It's Sunday tmw, so I don't need to feed the meter. But. But the meter also says maximum 4 hours parking on any block. Surely they mean they just don't want me feeding the meter all day, right? But now I'm good after hours? I grilled all of my colleagues.

There was terrible horrendous traffic coming into Boston and gridlock everywhere. BU and other university graduations, games at Fenway. The parking is impossible and I'm not about to move the car unless I have to.

Last time I was towed in Boston was like 15 years ago. I misunderstood a sign, kept walking up and down the street in disbelief, not finding my car. I was with SYL , rehearsing, and he was the one that broke it to me that my car must have been towed. There was horror and laughter. Another one of many things that had gone amiss that trip. We had to cab it to some far off place to find my car at the crack of dawn, paying for every hour I didn't retrieve it... He was my good friend. I have his huge voice still buzzing my ear and can conjure up the sound of his gay boyish giggles that always made me laugh. I know he was sorry. He would have sent a check to my parents if he had it. We should have talked about it. It should have never ever ever ended the way it did.

5K

Ran the 5K. Heard Kati screaming for me near the finish line, then Lulu. Yay! I heard hubby. My parents were like papparazzi at the finish line. My mom was the first to high five me. According to my running app, I averaged 10:07 miles, a personal best, even though I was the last to finish among everyone I knew. Jake came in at 25:35 and hubby around 21 minutes. Belac ran the 1 mile.

A great morning.

why not

I've been thinking about the job interview at Bridgeway. The last time I interviewed there, I actually thought I got the job. And then I didn't.... This time around, my teaching was far better. I have 4 more years of experience and am more confident. I was very proactive about class management and knew to be larger than life. Flexible and changing gears on the one hand, but always pushing ahead with my agenda. But it's not about being better than last time, is it? I have to be a better fit than the others. Not just with the kids or faculty, but on paper with the administration. I don't know how they feel about me. I was mistaken before and this time, I simply can't read them.

I finished rehearsals early, today. My cousin's wife asked if I could come back to their apartment after 9pm today. Well, I could be home by 5pm, I calculated, so why not? I drove home. Kissed the kiddies and everyone hello, had dinner hubby had carried out, a big glass of wine, took a shower... it's just nice to be home. I showed my ukelele to my dad and played and sang for him a little. He loved it and listened with interest. I guess I'm just trying not to be bored, I shrugged, but I love this little thing and playing it. It's very unique, my dad commented, better than a guitar.

I think it's really important for the primary caretaker of the kids to have things going on. I don't think it's healthy to be completely financially dependent, even if it's a financially feasible arrangement. At the very least, the one who is working less or earning less should be keeping up with their skills and learning new things. You never know what the future brings and besides, it's just healthier all around. The kids are getting older and more independent, I'm just craving inspiring work. I mean, there's only so many ways you can play the Spring Sonata.

Should I run the town 5K tomorrow morning? Didn't know I'd be home. Why not?

Merry

Dear Merry, My heart goes out to you and your family. If there is absolutely anything hubby or I can do to help you, please let us know. We are praying for and thinking about your husband and your family and send our love.  Gimky

Hubby called to tell me that he had just gotten back from our synagogue's board meeting. He wanted to tell me about Merry, someone who we've gotten to know pretty well over the years, and someone who graciously helped us with the logistics of Jake's bar mitzvah.

Merry's husband had just had a run of the mill angioplasty last week. They had gone back and forth about if it should happen before or after a trip to Israel to see family. Ack! they decided, let's just get it done and then go so we don't have to worry about it.... Well, he ended up suffering a massive stroke a couple of days ago that put him on life support. And now it is his family that's coming to him from Israel, and after they arrive they will turn off the machine.

You can't reason with life. Good happens, shit happens, none of us is immune or above any of it.What can you do but the cheesy thing and appreciate everyday? Live meaningfully knowing time is limited. Love everyday. Say you're sorry and forgive. Say I love you to the ones you love. Fix the regrets. It's very straight forward.

Boston

Beautiful day. Walked all over Boston this afternoon after my rehearsal. Made a visit to the ICA, got a pedicure, had dinner at my favorite Shabu Shabu place. Meandered around Fenway park and admired everyone's gardens. How much does it cost to rent a plot? I asked one gardener. 20 dollars, I'm a senior though.... Worth every penny!! she said, I call it stress relief.

It's amazing how creative people are with their gardens, and you really can't help but compare with all of them sitting side by side. A hundred at least. There were fish ponds in a few, sitting areas in others, and I just got such an eyeful of what people are doing to grow their vegetables and flowers. It was inspiring and beautiful. Some plots were utilitarian only. Others were designed with aesthetics in mind. Do they do this at the Henry Hudson park? There's a community flower garden, I remember, but otherwise I don't think so, there's just not this kind of space.

I really like Boston. It's very livable, it's possible to live a civilized life on modest means.The truth is, I could live here.

sent

I just sent off a modified letter of the draft.  

I also went to a beautiful 5th grade concert, tonight. As usual, I accompanied the orchestra and then sat back and enjoyed the amazing chorus under the direction of our fabulous music teacher.  Aside from needing to pack a bag, I'm now ready to leave for Boston at the crack of dawn.

and just one more thing

Before I leave for Boston, I intend to send a letter to the school. I feel I need to state explicitly, somewhere, what I didn't adequately explain in my interview. A first draft:


Dear Coordinator,

Thank you so much for inviting me to Bridgeway on Monday morning. It was a pleasure to meet you again and work with the kids!

I’ve had some time to reflect on our talking points and wanted to better answer a question regarding my qualifications. The Master and Doctoral degrees that I earned from Juilliard really emphasized overall critical thinking and analysis. Research skills was an intensive area of study in the doctoral program, along with academic writing, and I believe this training would help me develop a formalized music curriculum. For example, in my 2 years of teaching at the School of Boston Suburb, I designed lesson plans for Music Theory and Music Appreciation.

Further, I am an active music volunteer for Sunny Patch and neighboring school districts.  These are schools that have become increasingly focused on adopting Core Curriculum. I also have good relationships with the music directors at Private School of Westchester and Silver Music of NYC, where new music programs are being designed.  I am blessed to have these strong connections to turn to for both practical advice and feedback.

I look forward to continuing our dialogue. Thanks again for Monday and for considering my application.

Gimky

spring

The piece I am performing this week end is just a terrible, over played standard. Why did I ever say okay to this? I was forced to play it when I was a teenager with my sister. And then as a staff accompanist at Juilliard, I played and performed it hundreds of times for auditions and Sonatenabends and the like. The composer is one of the greats, but this Sonata is really not one of his stronger compositions. It was always the butt of jokes between hubby and me, whenever I was learning some crazy, contemporary piece for the group. 'Well at least you're not playing Spring Sonata!' he'd say, knowing my feelings about that particular piece.

Well guess what? I'm playing Spring Sonata now. Who knew it would be so problematic? But the piece puts me in a terrible mood and actually makes me hate playing the piano. God strike me down with lightening for saying anything disparaging about Beethoven's work. But this particular piece is torture for me. I should have just said NO!

a-ha!

I did seriously feel something so weird about my sister's husband's family. They are Filipino, they dance, they are a generally warm and tight community. But his immediate family was not at all what I expected. The dad was just sociable enough and had an easy smile, but his mother was very detached. Like not all there. And the sister, though very beautiful and could summon up a huge smile, was not warm. My dad, too, had made some comment to me prior. That they had met for a dinner for the meal tasting, and they found them so removed it was hard. Like they couldn't make the effort to make conversation. And my dad could not understand why the sister, the most social of all, could not help and do her part with the interactions at the table. On the ride home from the DC wedding, hubby simply chalked it up to my sister's hubby's family as being introverted and shy. But the parents, dancers, why didn't they dance? Why didn't anyone get up from his side of the family to say anything? Just a few kind words? It left me wondering if they were happy about this union. I knew from extended family that they absolutely were, someone even predicted the parents would cry, but I didn't see anything. It was just weird.

You know what? I found out, last night, it's not my sister. It's not us.

Older sis texted me and little sis, late last night. Sorry to be out of it, she wrote. Now that their wedding was done and all the after parties complete, just weeks ago, her hubby's parents have separated. The father has been staying all week with them. The mother is at home. The sister cancelled a vacation to be with her mom. Both parents are retired physicians, these are supposed to be golden years. The mother, however, has been talking to the priest about annulment and divorce. They 'kept it together' through all of the receptions, older sis wrote. Long story short, we just signed them up for marriage counseling. Will they go? I asked.

Of course they are happy about their son's marriage. He won the jackpot with my sister. But now I understand that his parents are suffering over their own marriage. That the sister must have her own complicated feelings dealing with their separation, living just 2 doors away from them, and the last thing she is concerned about is that our parents and families get along.

So whereas I was maybe even a little indignant by their lack of openness and bubbling over happiness - which even I was able to summon up on this occasion, seeing my sister so happy -  I now understand that they have their own turmoil to contend with. I feel for all of them.

grandparents

It's 10pm. I feel bad for Jake, who came home at 6:15 from a track meet. There is a Science quiz, tomorrow. And a pop Math test. On top of other homework. It was unclear what the Math test covers and we spent time trying to figure it out. He was gritting his teeth, I was frustrated that he didn't ask for clarity and hubby came to intervene. If you can't figure it out, do some problems from recent homework, what else can you do? There was the opportunity for Jake to come home with me at 5:15, but he wanted to stay and cheer on his friends. And now it's gotten late, no opportunity to call anyone for clarification and he's tired....

My parents have been so good with the kids. I have been very forthcoming with them about my concerns about both boys in the past months. I notice how they've really spent quality time with the kids, this visit, and how my mom - in particular - has been cheering them on.

Wait! Belac told me, when are they leaving? Are they still here? he asked on the drive home from class.

Yes, I told him. Thank God! he replied, I like it when they are here.

Well, whaddya know! You know what, Belac? If you told Nana and Pappa what you just told me right now, you'd make their day.

after thoughts

Hubby and Jake

Finally had a good night sleep, last night. I am back to myself.

What I didn't say but should have said, is that despite not having a Master degree in Education, that I did earn Master and Doctorate of Musical Arts degrees from Juilliard. And those degrees, although preparing me to teach at music conservatory in the performing arts, emphasized critical thinking and analysis that cross over into other fields. I also took intensive research and writing courses while in the doctoral program, again very important and relevant skills that would, for example, help me develop a new music curriculum.

The other thing I should have said, is that I have a lot of resources by just being so involved with my son's education. Here in Sunny Patch, they are obsessed with Core. And because I want my quirky son who needs extra attention to be successful in the music program and know he is extra work for his teachers, I have volunteered extensively to the music department. I am tight with 4 music teachers in our school district, who know that I'm good to accompany, set up, tune, anything they need when I'm free. They see me all of the time and we have developed good and easy banter over the years. There's also a friend from my Juilliard days, who teaches music in a neighboring school district. I know these teachers would help and advise me. I have experienced resources to turn to.

Maybe in a week, I will follow up with a brief letter explaining this.

interview

The questions in the interview were very direct and hinted at their concerns. You're not certified, how do we know you can design a curriculum, and one that will be dictated more by Common Core and the new headmaster's commitment to literacy in all subjects? Do you have any interest in this? And have you ever thought about simply teaching at your son's school...?

I am not certified, that's right, but I have experience. I spoke about how my motivation came from personal experience. But also how these kids really aren't that different from most others, but you just have to be more careful and creative about the delivery of information. Breaking concepts down into smaller bits and making the activities and music engaging. 

I have a Doctorate of Music from Juilliard that was just paid off as a 43 year old. And let's just get real. I'm not spending $30,000 a year to get a Master's degree in Education to earn $30,000 a year as a music teacher. It just makes no practical sense. Especially because I've been lucky to already have plenty of experience without that specialized degree.

The director told me before I left. One thing is clear, especially with the middle school kids, today. You really care and connect with them. I see it's important to you that they learn something meaningful and they wanted more of it. Your loving demeanor is well-suited to this environment and on a faculty level, you're just a really nice person to work with....  We are meeting 2 other candidates in the next weeks, so it's going to take some time....

I understand you have to make a decision about the best fit, I told her. If you have any questions for me, you'll just email or call.

I really have no idea what will happen. They liked me the last time, too, when I didn't get the job. And they also have a new Head-Master who is conforming more with Core. (Don't know what I think about that, they are a private school, afterall. Why? When they don't have to? And it's a special needs school of all places!) The Head-Master might not want someone who's not certified, and she wasn't - interestingly - at my audition/interview either, though there were 3-4 adults observing in each class.

Life goes on in the meantime. Time to practice!

violin

I opened my violin case and did a double take. Where was my bow? I have two others, but my good one was not there. And my heart sank.

My student was already tuning, I'll be right back, I told her. I called the school, the switch board was closed. I emailed the Director. So great to see you, today. I'm sorry I left my violin bow on the piano, I put it down when I let some of the kids strum my strings. Could you please check for it and keep it safe? And I will come back to get it tomorrow. Thanks so much!

It's not insured. I'm worried a janitor might wipe the piano down and the bow might fall and break. Or that a kid finds it and uses it as a sword.  Or that it will get lost. It's terrible! The interview and classes went as well as they could, the 11 year olds were surprisingly so much easier to teach than the 6 year olds, I was expecting the opposite. Even got to eat lunch with Ella before coming home! But I really need to get my bow back. I can't believe I left it and am upset.

I need to buy a cheap instrument on Amazon.

g'night

It's 11 at night and I just finished preparing for classes tomorrow. I made a worksheet for each class. Put together a whole menu of various activities. And dealt with horrible technical difficulties of trying to transfer music from my computer to my phone.

The biggest complication is not confirming there is a piano, tomorrow. I forgot to ask. So then I've had to figure out how to incorporate the violin, because I really need an instrument to lead. My biggest fear is that I am going to have technical difficulties with playing the music off my phone into my speakers, and then needing to wing it. Fine if there is a piano, I can play everything on the piano, but much harder with just the violin....

So I'm off to bed. Mother's day morning was wonderful. But I found myself increasingly stressed through the day because of this interview. And then was really wringing my hands through what should have been an amazing bar mitzvah party. I'd have moments of fun but then find myself calculating how I could slip out.

All I want is to do a good job and show them what I'm about. I can't control if they like me or not. I really hope I sleep. Wish me luck!

career day

I gave over 20 presentations about what it is to be a musician. I showed the 7th graders pictures of myself with Sesame Street, at Carnegie Hall.... I played Chopin and showed them the scores of some crazy new  music. I brought a stack of pop and musical scores and dared everyone and anyone to sing, big wig sight reader I am. And you know what happened? Everyone sang, even some of the boys! At the brief lunch, the other volunteers marveled at how I was able to engage the kids, and came themselves to sing, off key, off beat and all during lull times! It was extremely informative for my audition/interview on Monday. How differently I generally need to interact with boys and girls. How great it was for me to have all the percussion instruments for the non-singers (often boys). How when I was losing kids, I needed to up the ante. How when I was accompanying, I had to sing and sing louder with those who were more shy. It was just amazing. I was there from 8am to 3, and I was the very last to leave because the kids kept wanting to sing and listen....

You know what was the best thing of all? The very best thing. The very best compliment of all. The Best.

The autism classes came to me.

You know what I did?  I gave them instruments to play and taught them the words to sing "LET IT GO." I played the entire song while they mostly played cymbals, maracas and the like to everything else, to the beat and however they wanted, and every time the words came on "LET IT GO" I'd prompt them and everyone else in the group, including myself, to sing their hearts out. I got all of their aides to gather around and sing with me. C'mon, girls!!! I pushed. There were pictures, the principal nearby, the current music teachers, singing along and making spectacles of themselves and all of us laughing and having a good time, leading, everyone hovering....

And then, I had the kids stomp to my Star Spangled Banner I played on the violin and 'find the beat' with their instruments and their scarves. One of the aides told me, what a way to end the week!  Another told me, it's the only thing they got out of career day! I loudly and as engagingly as a I could, talked to the kids with little language "This is me!!" pointing at a picture, "what am I playing?" Look, who is this?? That's right, Big Bird! Who is THIS? That's right, it's Telly! What am I playing now! Awesome! It's the violin. Okay, let's find the beat, follow me!!!  WAVE YOUR SCARVES!!! FOLLOW ME WHILE I MARCH! And they marched and I do think they had a good time. I think what the adults were not used to, was my expecting and forcefully directing the kids in the autism classes to perform and follow along, instead of my expecting them to do nothing. But it took meeting them where they are, not where they should be. That's the gap for most people. You have to meet kids where they are.

So that was my amazing, incredible, fun day, that literally passed in a flash.

I don't know WHAT is going to happen on Monday at my interview audition. I know I have a calling, I know I have something to offer. But I need to find the place that needs me. Maybe it's this school in NYC, maybe it's the people who come into my living room, I don't know.... But if I could teach every day like I did today, I'd feel like I was really onto something.

Today was an amazing day.

how it went

At the end of the annual, I looked around the table and thanked everyone. And then I looked at Mrs. Prego, and said in front of everybody, while I had everyone's attention: I want you to know that this year could not have happened without you. And then I started weeping and could barely speak. Belac has always had an aide. Always. And this year he hung on and somehow managed without one. He could not have done it without you. I know what you had to do to make this happen, I know what it was like at the beginning of the year and I totally know how he can be. You did not give up on him and you believed in him. It could have gone either way. Either way! But because you were his teacher, took the time to understand him and believed in him, and made it safe for him to come to you, he grew beyond my wildest imagination. And so I'm making sure you know, and want everyone here to know, that I'm grateful and so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for you.

His teacher was at this point sobbing and could not look at me, and the whole room was crying and looking for kleenex. We ended with hugs.

And that's how his annual went.

you are my sunshine!

I zoomed home to greet this friend for the first time. Sang "Sunshine" with chords strummed on this sweet thing, and sent the snippet to hubby, sisters and mom. I love this little friend! It has the most innocent, unpretentious sound. It's just lovely and makes me happy.

And so off to Belac's annual I go.

depression

I won't have a second, today. Started my day with coffee, chicken, and heating up a piece of... pizza! Yesterday, I took a break from practicing and went out to rip up pachysandra. There won't even be any of that, today....

The problem with my mom is, and this is harsh. She lacks ambition. If she's not going to learn something on her own to inspire herself, about her own health, about cooking, drawing, knitting, painting, language, or some hobby... she should have at least had a job. It could have been anything! Working in retail, in an office, volunteering at a hospital.... Something to keep her with other people, give her some perspective, have something to get up for, everyday, where someone is expecting her and needing her to be there, not her family. Being a mom is a really, really important job. But what has she been doing for the last 25 years?

On the one hand, my mom was really lucky she married my dad. He's a physician and we were well to do. She never had to work, never had to worry in a certain way. On the other hand, my mom was really unlucky she married my dad. Because she didn't have to make herself do anything, and living to her fullest potential was never a priority. She was a doctor's wife. Worse, my dad didn't know what to do with my mother's behavior, so just didn't do anything but try to appease her. It's this utterly sad way of being together. But that my mother never sought help or took initiative to help herself or just can never take responsibility for her physical and emotional state just drives me crazy. Her life does not need to be this way, one of pain and suffering and being unlucky, but it is the perspective she has assumed. This must be what severe depression looks like, right? It must be depression.

Love

I love you, Mom, I heard as I shut off the light. I love you, too, Belac! I exclaimed and went right back to kiss his cheeks, again. I'm glad I have always told my boys I love them. I think it needs to be said starting when they're very young. Then it's natural and easy and part of the vocabulary. I've always told my boys they should never be ashamed about loving anybody or saying I love you. It's a beautiful thing.

I only started telling my mom I love her recently, Dot told me through tears, I'm not ready for her to leave me. We had a terrible relationship for so long! Her mom is dying of cancer and I just listened with  my arm around her. Somehow it came up that my mom has never told me. It gave her pause. Have you ever said it to her? she asked. I didn't know. Try it, she suggested, it gets easier after the first time.

the exact same time

afternoon snack, 196 calories (can of wild salmon, chopped celery and basil, a squeeze of lemon and spicy garlic pepper)

I know she didn't do it on purpose. Couldn't do it on purpose. But of course she has to have some procedure with my cousin doctor in pain management on the lower east side, at the exact same time I have my job interview on the upper west side. It just couldn't be any other time, even in the afternoon, another day but the EXACT SAME TIME. It's like I've won the lottery. And why is this happening, anyway, weren't the last of 5 surgeries successful? Has she been following through with her physical therapy? Taking her cymbalta? Getting out of bed everyday?

So instead of being in my own thoughts and talking and singing to myself all the way to my interview, I have to drive with my parents to the city because my mother is in endless and continuous pain and with a cane, where I'll arrive to the upper west side and put them in a cab.

It takes a lot of talking to myself to not be upset by this. That nothing can be easy for her, physically or emotionally. That even on my day, I have to cater to whatever is going on with her and I have to be so careful on my day of stress, to not set her off because she won't be able to control herself, even knowing it's a day that is so important to me. But then again, it's distracting, right? In CBT, they'd make me frame it differently, right? I won't have time to get nervous because I'll be making sure she's okay and everything goes smoothly. There are advantages to this and it's nothing new, right? I can manage like I have hundreds of thousands of times before and be the good daughter. Not rocking the boat. All will be fine.

Up to my eyeballs as I am, I am f-ing going for a run. I am never going to get fat and lazy and do this to my family. Never, NEVER, NEVER!!!

PS - my nursery school kids are singing beautifully and I am so proud!!

sleepless night

Belac 5/2014

Hm. Well. I could be stressed. I might have bit much on my plate.

I got up and wrote down everything I need to do before Boston, next week. Hoping that any of my worries would just stick to everything on that piece of paper. Went back to bed and stared at the ceiling, anyway, listening to hubby snore. It was 4am. Am I really that worried? Or could my body be adjusting (revolting) from all the changes I've put it through?

I have graduation songs I have to practice with the kids, today. I've been ambitious with this group and hope it goes well, otherwise, what can I do at this late date? I have Belac's annual review, tomorrow, where we decide everything for next year. Will there be any surprises? I have career day at the Middle School from 8-2:30 on Friday, where I run a booth and give 10 minute presentations all day long about musicians and what they do. Still have to figure that exactly out, too. Squeeze in a CBT appointment for Belac on Friday afternoon. Bar Mitzvah mania on Saturday and extra students, moved from Mother's day. Parents in on Sunday, I'll have to get everyone in on the cleaning and get more groceries. The interview on Monday.... when to prepare for that? And, oh yeah. I forgot, I have to practice for my concerts, next week end.

A good friend I haven't seen in a dozen years texted me out of the blue. She is someone I have a real history with, we attended both Oberlin and Juilliard and did a lot of playing together, once upon a time. Her orchestra, Pittsburgh, is in town and playing at Carnegie Hall. Could we have dinner on Saturday from 6-7? I suffered over this question all night. But the answer is a sad, sad - uncharacteristic for me - no. I just need those 3 hours on the week end.

So no dilly dallying, now. Probably no time for a hair cut or shopping for a proper outfit for Monday. I have to be super efficient with my time.