Minuet in d minor

I saw my friend for the first time in 2 months and I hugged her tight. For 30 minutes we whispered animatedly outside as her kids waited inside for their lessons.

Gimky, she told me, he is so out of control I fear for my life. I had a deadbolt installed on my bedroom door because I'm afraid he's going to come while I'm sleeping and kill me.... I told my neighbors to watch out for him and if something happens to me they should know it's him. You should know, too. He is bad news, he's lost his mind!

I didn't wake up this morning and realize this conversation was a dream. This is stuff I'm not good enough to make up. This is my friend. She has 3 kids, a barracuda for a divorce lawyer and a husband of 20 years who cancelled their credit cards, emptied out their bank accounts, and has flown into a rage in an attempt to keep her in this marriage, in large part because the divorce will uncover all sorts of illegal activity in his business. He's already gotten in trouble with the IRS.

God help her.

Now her kids have come for their 3rd lesson of the school year. The youngest forgot her books for the 2nd time in a row, the boy is distracted and the oldest is sullen and says not a word. It was never like this during our 4 years together, the kids have become ever distant and emotionally shutdown. My heart aches for them.

the choice

Another lifetime ago, I was in Germany. A famous violinist from NY zoomed through town to solo with the orchestra. I had been his studio pianist at Juilliard and made sure to go backstage to meet him. We ended up meeting for dinner the next night. We looked through a newspaper for a previous concert review, caught up on the people we knew, and then I proceeded to listen to him wonder why he hadn't also been invited to be on a jury for an international music competition happening in town. I had been hired to accompany the contestants and had been introduced to this all-American jury. Why did the competition bother to fly out another wonderful (but less known and very different) American violinist, when everyone already knew he'd be there? I didn't have a clue as to why, but what struck me is how he couldn't let it go. This incredible violinist who was on top of the world was worried about - in my mind - this very little thing. Somebody at the top of their game could still be so insecure about being fully appreciated.

Every now and then I've felt a pang of regret for not pursuing my career more seriously. I'll suddenly miss being with creative people. I'll see on Facebook that a colleague was promoted at the Met or became Principal chair in some orchestra. Or I'll see a friend all dressed up to go to the office in glamorous NYC. I got my Master and Doctorate from Juilliard, shouldn't I be all dressed up and going somewhere, too? But it takes me just a few minutes of thinking clearly to know that I ultimately would not have it any other way. Even before we knew about autism, I was already moving out to the burbs and farther away from the center of music, more concerned about better and affordable school options for the kids. Though I loved the musical life, I wanted kids. I wanted to be with them and wanted what I thought was best for them. Of course, autism came along. Shit happens. But broken hearted and insecure as I was about what autism meant for all of us, I wasn't about to let anyone else try to get my kids on track. Actually, I was lucky to have the option of primarily being home.

So here is what I know. In the end, our successes are ultimately defined by ourselves. Not by society nor a shiny curriculam vitae. I played Kol Nidre for services on Tuesday night. My hubby did not make it in time from work, so I was not able to get feedback from someone who can be both critical and really appreciate a fine performance when he hears one.  However, an old man I didn't know hugged me tightly afterwards and cried. I spent a lot of time working out all of the nuances of this wailing piece and owning every note, and it meant the world to me that at least one person in the audience really heard something. And so when our newish friends came over to break the fast with us, last night, and the husband marveled at what I used to do in music, having read something online, now ancient history, I smiled and only shrugged. I could not and will never blame my professional circumstances on my children.

This morning, I helped Belac put on his violin backpack. He was singing and in his own world. I kept getting his attention and reminding him about his upcoming day as he sang under his breath. Sometimes he's so much better but so often he can be just like this. And you know what? Instead of cursing his challenges, I felt overwhelming relief to be walking him to school and taking that time to get through to him. What hell I'd be living in to fret about a babysitter potentially dragging him wordlessly to school, transaction completed. Or to miss kissing Jake goodbye and telling him I love him everyday as he leaves the house....

I am okay with the choice I made.

project

My head is swirling with ideas. I am motivated by actually trying to fix a big problem. I was on the phone for a long time with someone in Virginia, today. Someone who might join my team. By the way, he asked me, what are you calling this business? And do you have a domain name?

I didn't exactly know and didn't say. It wasn't a detail I had been focusing on. He proceeded to give his notes the most generic of titles that would absolutely never EVER do in my book, and I felt stupid for not at least correcting him and offering anything better. I got off the phone and went immediately to a domain search website.

With trepidation I typed in the name. And guess the hell what?? I had to laugh out loud in glee! The domain name I wanted was still available! And guess the heck why...? I looked up the owner's name and there she was. Gimky Snowflake. The Gimky Snowflake, who even in the thick of her despair, knew that it shouldn't be this way and something had to change. Someone, who even with the world on her shoulders, thought maybe she could be part of the solution. I wish I could go back and reassure that girl and tell her things would be okay and that she was doing a good enough job.... I bought the domain name years ago and unbeknownst to me, it kept automatically renewing with an internet subscription for my small music business.

Well, folks! I guess you could say I'm in business! And I am one happy cookie.

doing it

I'm starting a business. Am I crazy? I'm still teaching. Still with my chamber group. But this is something very different. This is not about music. It's about something else that has nagged at me for 7 years at least. Every year, I am shocked that someone hasn't come along to fix this problem and capitalize on it. Every year, the thought crosses my mind that I should just do it and be the one. So this is the year. I'm doing it. Wish me luck!

first day, first star

Saw just one star when I walked the dog tonight. Refused to turn on the ac all day while working from home, today. What a relief to be out in the cooler air tonight. I wished for a good school year for the boys. That's all. I didn't wish for their good life did I? A good school year. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

why?

There are a dozen things I could write about if I wanted to sit here for the next half hour. But why would I want to do that? So my neighbor can revel in schadenfreude and gossip and know details that I don't want her to know? So I can procrastinate about my life? Put off the things I should be doing?

If I care about something so much and spend so much time doing it, shouldn't I be working on a NYT bestseller? Fame and fortune? Truth is, I can't even properly download this monstrosity (and then safely delete off the internet.) I thought I could one day hand over these ramblings to my boys when they are 'old enough,' but I haven't been able to get the blog-to-print sites to work properly with mine. I'm stuck. Have you noticed this is my 899th post...? How in the world did that happen?