cabbages

Explored a new part of the county trail in Putnam, today. Ended up at preserve, where we parked ourselves for a picnic of snacks before turning back. At one point, I was utterly shocked to turn around and see Belac pedaling and not pushing his bike up a horrendous hill. He has gears, but his bike is the clunkiest of all. He really is the 43 lb., 10 year old, little engine that could....  It was freezing and we were all not dressed properly. Hubby had been optimistic and was even in shorts. The cabbages kept asking, could you please turn up the heat? I had earlier gone through a bag for charity in our car, hoping for something extra to wear but it was just the kids' stuff. I briefly thought of wearing an old curtain and tying it around my neck. Would you still be seen with me? I asked.

We have been friends with the cabbages forever, since the son and Jake were in nursery school together. I noticed how easy peasy it was for our families to just be. How Jake was totally engaged and happy with this kid he's been friends with his whole life. They have never missed a birthday with each other in the past 9 years. I don't even have friends like that....

All to say, we had no idea that we would even like cabbage or what it would come to mean to us, years and years ago. We moved away, not far but farther, and it didn't change anything. We are very fond of the cabbages.

yellow house

Dropped Jake's friend, yesterday, and had a chance to take a good look at our old house next door. I noticed it needed power washing. Someone was home, I saw when the mailman rang the bell, but they had all the curtains drawn on the main floor. That was weird. I noticed the new owners had replaced the wood retaining wall with a grey manufactured stone, and then lined the whole front edge with a dozen matching shrubs. Everything was manicured and it did not look like our house at all. And then I just about died when I noticed. They took down our eastern redbud! It was a little too close to the house, I know, but it was gorgeous. What happened?? As Jake and I drove away, I tried to get a glance at the backyard. I hoped the old oak was doing okay and that they kept the dogwood, a little too close to the garage.... And what about the apple tree? It was probably a good thing I couldn't really see back there.

In 3 years time I can now look back at this house and be okay. Everyone comes to us here, Gimky, my hubby pointed out, and we host Thanksgiving. Well, I told him, I like that we live in a small town now. I found the drive down Central Ave. totally overwhelming today.

I'm excited about spring being here and growing veggies and flowers around the house. I also want to plant trees!

babysitting themselves

Kids had to read, practice, and clean before they could watch a movie at 10:15 this morning. The Pixar shorts were the perfect babysitter while I taught a 90 minute lesson!  Then each boy had a friend over, shortly there after. No electronics but plenty of running, building and all sorts of mayhem around the house while I practice. It is so amazing that with planning ahead they can reliably amuse themselves without a babysitter and I can get some things done.

iq

I know what my FIL was trying to say. That kid on Turkey Mountain. He had iq of 40, what difference could the parents really make? The kid will get wherever he gets to. Right? They couldn't get him to read or write. They couldn't make him normal, no matter what they did. So at a certain point, the parents should stop beating their heads against a wall. Accept and move on. But maybe the kid is friendlier because of their attention. Behaving and interacting more appropriately with others. More willing to do the right thing and willing to try. Maybe he's talking because even at the age of five, when he wasn't, they kept trying. These are imperative life skills that are difficult to measure. Obviously, there were pain-staking initiatives by parent, the kind not replaced by most hired help. What if they hadn't tried as much, would the kid have gotten to where he is anyway? Should they have tried less because he wasn't going to get that far anyway? If even for the simple sake of more attention towards their neurotypical daughter?

The thing is, it's hard to say. Even the kids who seem to have all of their marbles. Really? They've got it made? Not sure. You don't necessarily know who is going to later stick a gun to their head or drink their lives away or make some bad decisions or simply not live to their potential. No parent should allow themselves to be too smug. The thing is, I have known earlier than most that things are not easy for my kids. And unless anyone is saying that every parent should do less for every child, I'm not game. I am the one that is going to be 80 when my kids are 50. I am the one that is going to live with doing too much or not enough. And as far as I'm concerned, and my children in particular, I am pushing them along. Running on the assumption that pushing them and being there for them matters and makes a significant and positive difference. I understand, maybe he's not going to "make" it, doomed for group housing or living with me until I die, and doing a job he could already do at age 10. Maybe you're right. But the difference is, I don't exactly care about the what of the future as much as I care about the how. How is he going to contribute to society and live his life? Will he be positive? Kind to others? Trying because he believes in himself and wants to do better? Will he be lucky to make friends with others who appreciate and understand him? The way he holds and views himself and interacts with the world around him is pretty much everything no matter what he does.

It's nothing for anyone to feel bad about. My husband makes enough money for all of us, knock on wood. I have a certain luxury of time and desire to be with my kids. We are no more "amazing" than any parent who loves their children and wants to do right by them. Both hubby and I are a million times more hands on than our own parents ever were and that's nothing to feel sorry about when you see it. We both would have ended up being this way, autism or not. No pity please. I don't want it and we don't need it.

error code

Hubby was assigned to present to North America at a conference following the CEO. He had arrived early and found a parking spot on the street. Just as the CEO was finishing up and hubby was about to go on, the FBI arrived and swarmed the hotel. Over the loud speaker he heard, "Would the owner of a white Honda Accord license plate xxxx please make yourself known. This is a matter of Homeland Security."  Hubby did not understand what was going on. He went to the curb where his car was and the meter flashed ERROR CODE 577, and there I was with the children, all of us crying. We had already been gathered up by the officials as he was going to be taken to jail. But why? He kept asking. Their response was not making any sense. They accused him of impersonating a foreign citizen. But it just doesn't make any sense, he argued, I'm Canadian!  At which point, my husband's company told him, sorry, but we really can't consider you for the position. But this is all unfounded, he argued, these are accusations that simply aren't even true! Sorry, you're under federal investigation, they shrugged.

So this was his anxiety dream hubby and I had a good laugh over this morning. Really, it's so hard to make up something so good in a state of consciousness!

Today is round 2 of a job interview. He left the house a little after 7, having run 4 miles, all scrubbed up and dressed nicer than usual. If he had to guess, he has a 50-50 chance and though he's perfectly fine where he is, now deeper into the interview process, he realizes just how unhappy he is with his current job.... I hope it goes well.

What does it mean if dad gets the job? Jake asked me at the kitchen table. It means that dad has a new boss and that he uses his skills and expertise in a slightly different way. Oh! he replied, trying to understand. You know, there's comfort in routine and feeling secure, I tried to explain, but it gets boring to do the same thing everyday. Dad wants to keep growing, he has other curiosities and things he wants to do and a new job would be good change for him....

So are you really sure about the natural history museum? I asked Jake, who had now wrapped himself in a blanket and was in no hurry to do a thing. The kids had voted last night about how to spend our afternoon, and this was the one place they could agree on. Yes!! Jake exclaimed. Okay, well, you know the 4 things you need to do before we go, I reminded him as he unraveled himself in order to get going.

I love school vacations.

Because

Because I took the boys to Turkey Mt. today...

I watched Belac eat an astounding amount of food tonight. Fine, he also walked on the treadmill and burned a good amount of calories, but how can this be bad if he increases his calorie intake too? I'm hoping in an hour, he will be hungry for ice cream.

I met and chatted with 2 women at the top of the hill. One was totally fit and the other was not, they were both sweet.The heavier one told me she was really trying to get in shape and we commiserated. I want to be the fit one, with a spring in her step.

Coming down I chatted the entire way with a woman with her 18 year old, autistic and mentally retarded son. He kept asking me questions and I was blown away by his curiosity. She told me he had an iq of 40 and could not read or write. Does he take direction well? I asked, he's very personable, surely there's some job he could do? She was blown away by the fact that I had dog off leash and boys in front and back of me. My husband tells me I need to not be so on top of him, she explained. Maybe you should try it, I find his questions very endearing, I told her. But not everyone does, she reassured me. I had let her in on Belacs diagnosis..... Does anyone tease him? she asked. Not sure, I replied, but he's very little for his age and gets away with a lot.... I told her about some program at Pace that I heard about for disabled kids and another walk she might try that is much easier. God bless you, she told me as she lingered and we said our good byes. And again I knew. I should be further along in organizing this community. I should have a card and trying to keep in touch with everyone. I should be talking to women like her and asking what she needs. I should be picking her brain and getting advice from someone like her who is farther along than me. We should all be helping each other emotionally and not leaving everything up to the experts to make up and charge for. We should be sharing and not remaining in our isolated bubbles.

Because i went to Turkey Mt. I got some sun and peace and quality time with my boys. And you know what? Because I'm not taking care of a house full of possessions, having stripped so much from the house, I feel light and happy and like I can go out without a care.

A good day.

evil cash

Jake spent the past hour writing thank you cards for his birthday gifts. Here's a keeper that made me laugh my head off:

Truth is, he already regifted the cash for another buddy's birthday.

1 mile

He's only eaten 2 boiled eggs and a little juice today. Now baking chicken, his request, and he's going to get some potatoes or rice with plenty of fat in it. In the meantime, I have him on the treadmill walking 1 mile. He's not very motivated, but I'm making him do it. I want and need this kid to be hungry!

summer plans

Second Seder with friends last night. Everyone stir crazy. Talks about a camping trip this summer.  We already have a crash course with Izzy's family planned over Memorial Day week end. We'll have gotten a tent and some gear by then and will be ready. I can really never wait until summer when we can be out hiking, biking, eating, and now camping and gardening, out under the big, blue sky.

Garden

My newest obsession: a garden. I plan to dig up the small spaces near our front door. Instead of ugly bushes and useless plantings, there will be tomatos, herbs and other edible greens. It's the best sun and there is a spicket. The boys will help me and it will be ours.

Tiny violin

FIL waited a sec and then hugged me a long, long time. Do you know how special you made this Seder, he asked. Why? I answered, because I played Belac's tiny little violin? Hubby and I played some Jewish tunes after dinner, there was some dancing around, people laughed their heads off. I didn't have my violin but I had Belac's that was at least a foot to small. I still managed to play it. Fun times. Now getting out of bed and heading home.

Dinner talk

My FIL and I have gotten in the habit of finding ourselves in a certain discussion. It's always about my children and what my role is supposed to be. I think he is trying to tell me I do too much. Both hubby and I, actually. At the same time he tells me that he loves me and feels sorry for us. And that never sits well, either. There is something wrong when love always and only comes up in the context of talking about something hard. Its like some weird consolation prize. And there is a big difference between pity and understanding. Anyone who openly pities us, misunderstands our needs. And being on the receiving end is terrible, even if they mean well because when else do you feel pity? When it appears that a parent is simply spinning their wheels trying to get their kid on the right track? When things appear hopeless to everyone but the parent? But what choice do we have but to push them along? Who is anyone to say that what we do does not make a difference? I've not been getting what my FIL is trying to say to me, lately. Every visit, now, there is this same variation on a confusing theme. Every time I don't know what he's really saying and I never feel better afterwards, although I think it's meant to be a sort of pep talk. I always just feel kind of worse for being singled out like none of his other children are. Our life is not so bad, I promise! My kids are happy and know we love them. And I know he's not suggesting this, although sometimes it certainly feels that way, I am never ever giving up on them and hoping for the best.

Moishe's

In Montreal. The science center was great. As was roaming around the old port. Everyone arriving for the holidays. The festivities start with dinner for 16 tonight. Kids showering and relishing the hot spray. All fine and dandy and I have nothing to write.

New

Nothing like 12 hours of sleep to feel like a human being again. Jake was at a sleepover, we were eating take out by the fire, the three of us, and I was nodding off and so exhausted. I could barely eat or drink anything and hubby ordered me to bed as he and Belac began a game of chess. A week of rotten sleep had caught up with me. I feel like a new person today. Thank God.

second chance

Lunch with Flower's mom. Chit chatting about all the kids and it was basically nice. We are in agreement about the situation with Belac and Flower. Nice as it was, I noticed, she always keeps things  light somehow and that can be hard for me. It's not that I'm heavy, but I'm not exactly light either and it always keeps me guessing about how she truly feels. Still, she's right to be cautious and it was an important conversation and it's clear we agree, the kids can and should remain friends and we should try to 'normalize' things, but keeping tabs and communicating about any of his possessiveness. Which concerns both of us. But what meant so much to me is this. They value (and missed) Belac's friendship with flower.

Today I picked up Belac as "normal" for the first time in a month. And then I walked with him to a corner, not where we were supposed to be, but off school grounds. Where's Ethan? he asked. I don't know, I told him, knowing full well where he was. I had sent Jake to wait with him at the other gate. Let's just wait and see if we see him, I said. And then finally I saw her. She was walking home with her sister and carrying so much stuff and a french horn. I saw his face light up and hers, too.

Hi Lily! I called. Hi Lily! Belac waved with a look of glee, barely restraining himself. She was all smiles and surprised. Wow! Look at all that stuff you're carrying, I wish I could help you carry it! I reached into my pocket and handed the envelope to Belac. I explained, Belac has something to give you that we forgot to send in the mail.

Belac took it from me and gave it to her. It's a thank you card for my present....

Thank you so much! she exclaimed.

Lily, he said to her quietly, I wish I could help you carry all of your stuff.

(My sweet kid!)

Thank you, Belac, she said with a chuckle. This was the girl that was missing at the science fair.

I made conversation with the sister. We all looked at her rainbow rubber bands on her braces. It was all easy. I love these kids.

Have fun in California, Lily! I said, we'd love to have you over for a playdate in 2 weeks.

She was smiling, okay! Belac was agreeing, hopefully in 2 weeks, he repeated. Hope you have a good trip to California!

And with that we were off. We headed to the other gate where we found Ethan waiting with Jake. I noticed how at peace Belac looked as I reminded the boys to stick together as they headed to the library to meet Ethan's mom. He knows what he has to do and his second chance had just arrived.

Lovely! Wonderful, wonderful Friday.

TGIF

Do you think Belac can walk with Ethan to the library, or should I come and get him? asked Dot.

Today I am picking him up at the normal time along with everyone else for the first time in like 4 weeks. Today is the day he shows that he can just wait with his class until I pick him up without barreling over to the flower and breaking all of the rules. Today he's also been invited to a playdate. But no, much as I would love to try, definitely not today. 

How about Ethan meets us at the gate (far away from the Flower's pick up) and the boys walk from there?

Perfect! replied Dot.

I went over the plan with Belac. No fair! How come Ethan gets to walk home by himself?

Well, he follows the rules and does what he's supposed to do.

Mom, do you think if I follow the rules I can walk home by myself? Like if I see the Flower and just wave and say hi ONCE when I see her, I can walk home by myself?

Yes. One day you will walk home by yourself. But you have to prove to me you can get back and forth  quickly and without any problems. How about you walk TO school by yourself tomorrow?

This excited him. This morning, I ran down the driveway with him and he made a motion to me to STOP. Okay, Mom! I'm doing it by myself!

Okay, but I'm just going to watch.

NO MOM! Don't watch me! I can do it!

I'm going to watch, it's okay! I'll wait right here and as soon as you cross the street, I won't watch anymore. Make sure to say hi to Ron before you cross.

Okay! Bye mom!! Bye!  And he ran. Then at the corner he turned around and waved. And like I promised, I turned around and ran up the driveway. This time to get Jake out of the house, who was just getting out of the shower. 

Jake has been running 2 miles a day on the treadmill for over a week. I don't see any dramatic kind of effect it has on him yet, but it's crazy that he can just do it. We pull him out of bed and help him with the treadmill and it's mind boggling how easy-peasy it is for him to just run. He needs to push and help himself, maybe even to go further or faster. The day he gets on that thing without hubby or my help or goes farther or faster, just because he felt like it, will be success!

dream house

Belac 1/2013

Every night, Belac and I talk at bedtime. He is usually upset about when he will next see Flower. And then we inevitably talk about his 'dream house.' He has designed an elaborate house, where there is a window on the floor of the main floor, so you can see cars driving below. There is a mudroom that has an elevator, that can take you right upstairs as soon as you put your coat away. There is a view from all of the rooms of the lake. A kitchen with a booth, counter and a fooz ball table. There is a soccer field, even though he doesn't play, he thinks it would be cool. It would be good for my kids, he told me. (The first time he told me that, I almost cried.) Recently, I discovered how much he loves to look at house exteriors at Houzz.com.  It's captivating to see thousands of variations on a theme. And at the end of the day, I find it amazing and a relief, that he calms himself and puts himself in the best of moods by dreaming up stuff for the house he is determined to design and build with his own hands, one day. He is so creative and ambitious.

Mom? he told me, in the dark of the night. Sometimes I feel like everyone leaves me behind at recess.

It was such an informed comment and I couldn't immediately say anything. I didn't know that, but of course knew that. I have seen him wandering the sidelines many a time. Losing steam in tag or hide and seek. Not understanding the rules in a physical activity and simply unplugging. Humming to himself. I always thought he didn't care enough to keep engaged or that maybe he didn't notice. But I realized, he's wired differently and simply can't easily keep engaged. And for the first time he could or thought to articulate it to me, it was bothering him. It's a good problem to have, the awareness, but it's a double-edged sword, isn't it?

It can be hard, I agreed. How about when you are with Ethan?

Well, that's okay.

Or Izzy?

Yeah.... Can I tell you one more thing about my dream house? (I nodded.) It's going to have 2 balconies. And it's going to have a smooth floor like at granny and pop's balcony in Florida. So you can always walk barefoot out there. Remember that floor? It's going to be just like that.

It's a ceramic floor and I hadn't noticed anything special about it. This kid! Continuously breaks my heart and makes it over flow and with BOTH of them. Everyday is a lesson about what it means to truly love and the mind set necessary to endure and hang in there with them through the ups and downs.

It's 4:18am. I have been up since 1 and can't sleep. Boston truly messed me up.

texts

In response to the text and on a whim, I asked the flower's mom to lunch, last night. She didn't respond. Maybe she was away from her phone. Maybe she didn't want to. Or had to sleep on it. Maybe she felt she said too much, and then maybe I had said too much. Maybe this. Maybe that.

Then at noon, today, a text came: I just got this MSG. Does tmw work for you?

I wrote: Yes, as long as its not too much before you leave! We could do a quick coffee, too. It's my hope that when the kids play together again and especially when other kids are around, that Belac will be able to give Flower space. We've had a lot of time to reflect on that, but we've really missed Flower in the meantime. She is an amazing kid and our family loves her.

And then I couldn't decide whether or not to press send. At first, I wrote "if and when they play together again" and decided that wasn't right at all. Of course they'll play together, again. I have to stop being fearful that she'll stop wanting it. And then I was worried about my last line. It was the truth but was it really necessary? I drove home from my class and bit my lip over it. I messed around with the words a little more. What is wrong with just saying how we feel? Especially if it's positive? Especially if we're all trying to do the right thing? Isn't it just better to be straightforward and get to the point and stop the dancing around? The problem was, this kid probably felt we had dropped her and worried, too, that it was all over. I'm sure she was confused and I felt the overwhelming need to clarify to the mom.

I hit send. It was probably a bit much, I thought, and now it was too late.

A few minutes later my phone buzzed.

You're so sweet! Lily & I miss you all! Let's meet in town tomorrow for a quick lunch, say 12:45? At the stand, ok?

Sounds good! I wrote, see you there.

hubby

Hubby did not sleep well either. He's about to take a series of job interviews. He's stressed and feels that he hasn't had the luxury to think about what he wants to "do" and has forgotten and just simply doesn't know. We talked over his "narrative" early this morning, well, I actually gave him one to chew on. How does that sound to you? I asked him. 

He has thrown his hat in the ring for 2 jobs. It is clear that he has a preference, and that one of the positions has a particularly large pool of qualified candidates. He also knows he would accept either job over his current one. So we'll see what happens, that's all.

sweet girl

The science fair was crowded, yesterday. Belac really wanted to go by the flower's science fair project. He really wanted to show her, his. But the rule was he couldn't and no one was supposed to. For weeks he has wondered to me if the flower would forget about him. If she would have so much fun with her other friends that she wouldn't want to be friends anymore. I wandered about the fair and made a point to find Lily. She was shy and I could just tell something was wrong as we talked and I told her how much I loved her crystals. She seemed so sad. Hubby made a point to pass and talk to her, too. We miss her. Do you think that she misses him? he asked me later. I definitely did.

We've been on this behavioral plan to break him of this obsessive behavior. The screaming for her, the knocking people over as he barrels over to her to see her or talk to her, the crying when he can't say hi or bye or sit with her. The general smothering and over reacting. The clean separation has been very very hard for him but also good. It's been like a break up. And finally we are re-introducing him to regular pick up and then permission for more contact, being able to wave and say hi if he happens to bump into her, for example.

But what we forgot about in all of this was Lily.

I found out her mom was looking for me at the science fair. And she later texted me. How has Belac been doing these past few weeks? This has been very hard for Lily.

My heart dropped.

What had ever been explained to this sweet child? Was it introduced as a break for a while so Belac could take a step back and have a breather? But that they would eventually play again? Had this gone on too long? What did she think or really know? I love this girl. This whole thing has been painful for all of us but what upsets me most was what I didn't expect, that this girl would be missing Belac. Why hadn't it occurred to me that was possible? Did I not realize what a genuine and fun relationship they had despite all of his quirks? Why hadn't I been in better touch with the mom? Why did I think that they would just be relieved by all of this? Why didn't I assume that they valued us or especially Belac more than I did? Do I really feel that people just tolerate him? Of course he loves her. But why has it been so hard for me to believe that she loves him and that their parents could want them to be friends, whatever his quirks? Do I really think so little of my children?

I was distraught and didn't sleep a wink last night.

stripping

With my help, Jake emptied out all of his desk drawers of accumulated crap and and we went through all of his shelves. This after he couldn't find another book for school. We didn't stop there. With Belac's help, the 3 of us went through the toy shelves and put in a corner, everything they don't play with. It was a lot. Then we went to a hall and emptied out everything there and bagged even more stuff that wasn't useful. We also loaded 4 shopping bags full of books they no longer read. And you know what? It's so much better. We all feel better.

If I am to not stress out about taking care of stuff, especially because I teach 4 days a week from home and am always cleaning, and if my kids are going to step up to the plate and be more independent and also help, we just NEED LESS STUFF. And the fact is, we have to purge on a regular basis or it piles up all over again. It's less to sort through, less to arrange, less to keep track of, less to waste time and money on, if we can control what comes through the front door.

Do you know how many decorative boxes filled with fancy soaps and creams I have from students? It's not anything we ever ever use and I can't regift fast enough. And look at this doll. My cousin gave it to me during Thanksgiving at my sister's and I conveniently forgot it. Only to have it sent to me and where was it all this time? In a box under the couch. I just put it among the toys even if it's something worthy of only displaying. If Belac makes a movie out of that thing or if the kids actually use it to scare each other around the house, it will earn its keep.

How many white elephants do we need, when you think about it? I still have my grandma's cart sitting in my garage, still wrapped in plastic. She died in 2000, right before I got married. An atrocious mask hanging in the toolroom that I am unable to get rid of because apparently it cost a lot and was brought especially for me from Japan from my cuz... He is not a sentimental person, but somehow it means something to me that he thought of me half way around the world and then drove it to NY when I was still living in the other house. And it makes me laugh my head off that this mask of a fat, ghost white Japanese face with exaggerated happy smile reminded him of me. He meant it as a compliment, I'm sure! But it's hanging in the dark of my tool closet....

The slightest accumulation of stuff and clutter really weighs on me. The stress of having things to take care of has only gotten worse as I age and if I could really strip this house to the honest bare minimum, I would.

proud

Met yesterday with the local architect who is helping draw up the permit to take down a wall in our kitchen. We came to him because of the flower's mom, who used him for her house. And well, his mouth fell down to the core of the earth when he asked who my cabinet guy is.

IKEA, I responded.

He was speechless. I've never had a client that did an IKEA kitchen.

I laughed my little pretty head off. I told him all the reasons why. I rattled off numbers and important websites. And most importantly, I had seen at least 2 real kitchens that I thought were beautiful that turned out to be IKEA. 

I hope you like what we do! was all I could say.

You know what else?  I think the demo and framing can be done in a week. I also know that all of our IKEA stuff is in stock and will take 3-4 days to build. The Caeserstone will take another week at least. So you know what? A new kitchen in a few weeks, maybe a month? And on an almost shoe string budget?

If all goes as planned, it will be astounding. And in the bigger picture, it means that we kept costs down on all the improvements and will likely not lose any money when we go to sell. Fingers crossed.

the process

I have to walk Belac to school, everyday, and I must pick him up. Other 4th graders have permission go to come and go but Belac cannot navigate it on his own yet. Kati brings Izzy to school everyday, too. But for other reasons. They live on the other side of the Saw Mill Parkway and though there is a crossing guard, it's not the safest intersection and there is no crosswalk button to press on their side of the street.... But is it so bad? I get out of bed and into my clothes. I see others and talk to them. And it's those few minutes everyday that I get to talk to my kids as we walk, out in the fresh air.

This morning I yelled at Jake. He couldn't find his jacket and we spent 10 minutes looking for it. (He finally realized he left it at school.) Then as he was walking out the door, I called out. Are you wearing your watch? No. It was nowhere to be found. He's also been carrying his lunch in a big ziploc bag, everyday. Why? Because he's looking for his lunch box at school.

This afternoon we are meeting with Jake's French teacher. He is a temperamental, fussy and stylish guy who has no problem wearing pink, if you know what I mean. He has very little patience. But he is the teacher I have chosen for Jake and I to meet about school. I didn't want to meet every teacher and overwhelm Jake, and there is a bigger problem in Science, right now, but even though the Science teacher would have been just as helpful, the difference is. Jake is going to have this French teacher for the next 2 years. This guy is the one constant that can try to help with Jake's challenges over the long term. Hubby was worried that this meeting might be above and beyond what the teacher would want and would perhaps resent it. But you know what? The teacher and I had had a very constructive conversation earlier in the year about Jake's challenges and I had written him a detailed letter thanking him for his ideas. If he's a good teacher, he wants every child to do well. The teacher also needs to show the district his value and written correspondences with parents matter. To be more cynical, my detailed letters about how he has specifically helped my child is going to be more valuable than from parents whose children are getting easy As and would do well, whoever the teacher may be.

I have to hope and believe that by not having it "all" we have a deeper appreciation for what we have. That my kids, despite their issues, will come away with something more valuable because of trying to overcome struggle. I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's 'What the dog saw.' There is an inspiring story about Nassim Taleb. Long story short, he had the discipline to stick with what he knew and painfully researched was right, even though everyone else around him took the shorter and easier view. Day after day, it was an emotionally painful struggle because it appeared he was the crazy loser. But the pay out came much later, and it was big. And I guess this is the long view I need to take with my kids. One day, maybe Jake will be able to keep all of the little pieces together and figure out a system to remembering and coping. Maybe Belac will walk to and from places all by himself, no problem. Things that everyone seems to be able to wake up and just do automatically. But so that is life. And I am - after recognizing all of the negatives - realizing that there are positives to every negative. Focus on the positives. Remember, every fabulous solution only came from experiencing a negative fully.

need

Both boys went to bed crying last night and hubby was upset. It was terrible!

In 2 weeks, I am again away for concerts. And I worry. The truth is, it's hard for everyone when I'm away. I think I am not overstating when I say, I am the glue that holds everything together. On the one hand, you can say if I weren't around my kids would be forced to be more independent. On the other hand, you can say that we haven't gotten to that point yet and I need to do a better job of getting them to self sufficiency. I understand that it's hard for hubby, who works long full-time hours and then has to deal with the kids full-time at home when I'm gone. I mean, it's hard enough for me, the one with generous pockets of time during the day to be thinking about my kids, planning ahead, and have the time and energy to be on top of them....

Does it change things that a BSO violinist and old Juilliard classmate came to our concert and loved my playing?  Would I miss the attention if I dropped this gig?  I get a lot of love at home from my group who is not as established. I get a lot of love from a violinist I have been rehearsing with locally. A lot of love whenever I bring my violin to synagogue. It's just as nice, honestly. But when the kids are more grown and (hopefully) gone and doing their own thing, will I regret not keeping with my fellow friends in Boston? So it's fear of not getting something 'better' that keeps me going?

A neighbor is accepting a prestigious job in another state. My childhood friend accepted a prestigious job in the city, doubling her commute everyday. I know people often don't have a choice about such matters. I also know people don't have the children and family I have that need a certain level of daily attention. For me, I feel a very strong push in the other direction. I have this feeling that I will regret never starting this business if I don't. Enough is enough already. And I have a very strong, almost panicky feeling that if I don't get my kids into a better place with themselves, I will regret this time lost for the rest of my life. I have maybe just 6 more years with Jake at home, knock on wood, before he goes off to college. 8 years (and maybe much more) for Belac. That's not a long time. They need so much encouragement and help being pushed in the right direction. They need me.

Calling

A few weeks ago, friends asked me about piano lessons for their kids. I told them I'd help them find a teacher. What? You won't teach him? They were shocked. If he were special needs I would! But there are plenty of teachers in town he'll be perfectly fine with. Lets be friends and the good friends we are, I told them.

The fact is, I really need my group to hire this girl. She's brilliant and sweet and will mature. If I answer honestly, I don't totally enjoy performing anymore. I don't practice enough nor perform enough anymore and so I've been starting to get nervous about showing up and playing here. And the other thing is, the world does not need another pretty good pianist. I am truly replaceable in that respect and there are other valuable things for me to do where I am not.

Where do my passions lay? Trying to figure out how to help my kids. I don't like being away from them. The lessons with the kids who need more. The classes and wanting more of them. I would like to expand the mommy and me and the classes to the young kids with needs, is the truth. It's interesting and exciting and I feel like that's what I need to be doing. And my idea that I just don't know how to get off ground... but last week, it dawned on me, the perfect partner. She has been sitting in on her boy's lesson for 6 months and I knew her even before in passing. You'd never put the two of us together by appearances, but over time, I sense we have developed a very deep respect and understanding of each other. We both have kids who need extra and she, like me, is a doer and seeker. We won't be short on ideas, putting our heads together and brainstorming, but I just need to know if she has the specific hardcore programming skills and design experience (or the capacity to learn) in order to build this resource we'd figure out together. I would then pound the pavement and get everyone on board. It would be a good combo of our strengths in solving some problems.

Now THAT would be exciting. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.

Saga

I figured out why everyone is so out of sorts. There is going to be at least one new permanent hire, and there is extreme emotion about it. There are those who are headstrong in love and FOR. There are those who hate playing with this person and have even threatened to quit the group. Let her choose this person over me, shrugged bitchy one. And where do I side? Everyone wanted to know. Funny how amongst this group I'm considered the level headed one.

The easy answer is that I can see both sides. But I do have an opinion. Brilliant technique, but not enough depth and a personality that seems too eager to please. She is like 20 years younger than us and it shows. I would have preferred less perfect to more dimension and feeling. But you know, the dazzling one who I absolutely adore and could listen to forever. Shes onto bigger gigs and those shoes are impossible to fill....

I'm sure this backstory would sell more tickets than the traditional marketing. And the saga continues.

20

After the concert, I found a parking spot near my cuz's apt. It was 11pm and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I locked up and headed into the Italian place. Is the kitchen still open? I asked the bartender. Yes, she told me . Hey! I looked at her, I was here last year and you were the best waitress for a table of one! She laughed, its my last day! And I never work week ends, so this is fate!!

I then realized I left my phone in the car. Ugh! I'll be back but can I have a glass of red? You got it, she said.

I came back not 2 minutes later. Are you Gimky, she asked. Yes, I was puzzled. You've been bought a drink. What?? I looked down the bar and there was Richard, a 50-something guy in my cuz's building I had just met yesterday.

Long story short. I heard his whole life story. 3 boys turned grown men and now estrangement with family due to money. I have a sense it was millions and millions only because his father - now deceased- sold his business to a huge household name right before he had a heart attack and died immediately. I can't get into it but I just have to say one thing.

No one should set their heart on someone else's fortune. You make your life and you don't rely on daddy, mommy, hubby. You rely on yourself. Must. If you lose your job, get sick or whatever, that's something else. But no one is entitled to anything. I think family money can be destructive and causes people not to work to their potential. This guy is lost. Bitter. I really was tired with this talk. How about spending his energy figuring out HIS own way?

So where are you going? I asked bartender, i hope its someplace good! She's off to teach highschool math at a really good school district, having bartended her entire education. Congratulations!! I exclaimed, that's amazing! Aw, it's easy to teach highschool math! she insisted. Not true, i argued, and especially in this economy it's not! People want those jobs. That's amazing!! Good for her. i was happy to end the evening with a real feel good story. My salad was 10 bucks and I left her a 20.

18 hours

Jake came running and hugged me so hard i almost fell over. belac whizzed by, calling out SUSHI! What am I? chopped liver? Belac ran back laughing, looking right up at me and saying: I love you mom. Dad gave me a hug with open arms, mom making some sides at the stove. Hubby carrying in sushi.

We opened some wine. We played Chinese checkers by the fire while eating salty snacks. It was the craziest hour long traffic jam, we had never played with six people. My mom won, dad close second. Jake making the case as to why he really tied with hubby. I gave my dad an Oliver Sacks book, my mom a Bunny Wrap which we put in the microwave right away. Saying good night, I noticed how clean the house was. Wait til you see the basement! dad told me. My mom had cleaned the whole thing. It was amazing! Everything was put away and there was not one thing out or not in its place. You know, my mom and I had a couple of good conversations while I was away. And she was obviously quite busy and not sleeping while I was gone. Maybe we are just not meant to be under one roof. At least it brings out the best in our relationship.

So glad to be home. But ugh! Not looking forward to the drive.

Heading home

It's not been great this time. One of the musicians has been bitchier than usual. Another is apologizing for everything and shouldn't. Bitchy one is not always right despite behaving so. And then soulful one lashed out against bitchy one, yesterday. First time in a dozen years, I almost fell over. Obsessive one kept wanting to go over and over stuff ad nauseum. At which point bitchy one was DONE and abruptly packed up. No one blinked an eyelash really and we all went our merry ways. In dress today, there was more of the same. I repeated something because I didn't think someone heard in all the chaos. I heard you! came the curt reply from new guy. Excuse me? I wanted to say and bit my lip, what is fucking wrong with all you people??

This morning I woke up at 4am when I heard cuz arrive home. I couldn't sleep well knowing it was later and later and where was he? Ugh! How does wifey put up with it?

I sprinted half a mile from the dress and arrived to the platform just as train pulled up. Yup! I'm going home for less than 24 hours. I was motivated to run fast because a later train would not have made going home worth it. Now we'll have dinner together. 

My family is not without their own issues. The difference is, I'm not escaping theirs.

Auntie

Just had a visit with my aunt. She's in her late 80s, my dads sister. She lives in my cuz's building in her own apt but she is totally isolated and lonely. She looks so sad. And her apt is so sparse and not homey at all.

She so needs something like this.

Regina had it right. She was a devout volunteer her whole life, a voracious reader and always proactive and active to the very end.

Decisions

Late night discussion with hubby and then another at 530 this morning.

Our decisions:

1) As of today, we have taken Belac off of Adderall. The meds did not work magic and instead caused other, just as serious problems. He must learn to cope and adjust, but you can only do this when you know thy true self. Think about it. Meds are like coloring your hair.

2) Jake is getting up with hubby every morning to run. He ran 2 miles easily today, why isnt he made to do this more? He is otherwise low tone, has concentration issues, and lacks confidence. No popping pills for this. We are going the Michael Phelps sort of route. Daily aerobic exercise. It's hard to be unconfident if you are exerting yourself, fit and strong.

3) all of Jakes grades went down significantly this quarter for missing homework assignments. Zeros. Every day I asked him if he did it all, everyday he said yes. 90 percent of anything is just showing up and getting something done. That is the easy part but very hard for him.  The other 10 percent is luck and magic and winging it. He totally needs help being disciplined. And I am back to overseeing his work again and figuring out how to get him thinking and doing more efficiently and thoroughly. It is such an exasperating level of oversight on my part and obviously I haven't been successful on helping him yet.

4) No computer games except on school vacations and special occasions. This is going to be painful but necessary.

If he's not going to hold himself to a standard, then I must for now. If he doesn't have ambition, I can at least throw some of my dream expectations out there. Let him stew over it. But he's otherwise not heading on a good path for lack of clear goals and will. Yes, he's only 12. But he's also already 12. The skills he must learn soon are imperative to his success and happiness.

My cuz

Spent the evening with my crazy cousin. It's almost 1am and we spent hours talking at a bar in kenmore square. Worried about my kids and was so upset after a phone call with hubby and a reality check abiut Jake and school. We talked about my mom. About me. About money. About a girl he went to see a movie with yesterday and Then went to dinner with. (He's married.) About being positive. Strict. Rich. Finances. Real estate. He really is like the older brother I never had. He's wicked smart and opinionated. A Misfit in some ways. Ridiculous. Generous and duty bound in the most astounding ways. A total trip! But someone I totally love and would trust with my life.

Priorities

It is totally strange to me the number of families who send their kids away to sleep away camp for the summer. I know. In households with both parents working, it simplifies things in terms of child care. But don't you want to enjoy your kid when there is no homework and the same kind of pressures?

Last Sunday, my friend told me she was thinking of sending her daughter, a 7th grader, to a private school, 1-1/2 hours away. 3 hours on a bus? But isn't the private school she's going to good enough? But this one feeds into the local Ivy League in New Haven. 35 of 70 graduating kids were accepted for undergrad. Is there a boarding option then?

The conversation generally made me so mad in a way. The prestige of a kids' education is not everything. Why couldn't they figure out how to simplify their lives? More than anything her kids need love and attention. Why have kids if you aren't going to raise them yourself? Seriously!

Oh! Gimky! my friend said to me, defensively, we aren't going to board her. She'd never want it and wouldn't survive it. Audi, she asked her daughter later, would you want to board? Sure! I'll board there! she agreed in all seriousness. I noticed my friend's unsmiling face.

Be careful what you wish for. Everything has a price.

Off

Parents dropped me off in stamford and now waiting for my train. Happy that they are off to get haircuts with my Japanese hairdresser and then lunch. Happy that I have a coffee from Dunkin Donuts and just music and a change of clothes in my backpack. Relieved that Jake is not sick despite taking a 2 hour nap after school yesterday. Satisfied that Belac is almost done with his science fair project, it will be easy for him to finish after I get back. Lots of food in fridge, house pretty clean, the kids schedule hanging in kitchen, hubby well, everything checked off. And here comes my train! Yay!

worst case scenarios

Lazy morning with my dad at the kitchen table, chattering about retirement and my childhood friend. Then off with my parents for some shopping and food. Over more coffee they asked specifically about long term plans for Belac.

I explained that we consulted a financial planner on how to save aggressively, what our goal numbers should look like in saving for college and also, how to prepare for a small stipend for Belac after our death in case he needs. It's a lot of aggressive saving at this point. I also told them that I was now insured for a huge amount of money. Previously only hubby was really insured as the primary breadwinner, but recognizing the kind of long term supervision Belac might need, my head was now insured for what it would cost to replace what I do for him in particular. Not cheap.

We decided that my older sister would assume the purse strings upon our early death and that one day, Jake would assume control over any special needs trust fund for Belac. Hopefully this would never happen, but if we both died while the kids were minors, they'd probably go to Canada to the youngest brother, next, to little sister. There was quiet as this sunk in. What a morbid thing to talk about. Had I said too much? Were they shocked we had such a plan? Upset that the kids wouldn't go to our side first?

Insurance is important in your case, especially with the special needs, my dad said quietly.

But then my mom was worried. She wanted to know what would happen to the kids' funds upon my death. What if hubby married again? And then "she" took all of the money from the children? I know someone got married to a widow, and then brainwashed him and took all of the kids' money....

Look mom, I told her. At the end of the day, I have to trust hubby and that he's going to look out for our kids. He's never given me any reason to worry on this point before. You know, the moving, the house, the schools, the camp, the roof, now the kitchen... I mean, he trusts me on all that. I could spend all of his money today, our money, and he wouldn't know until they started collecting for it, months down the line. My name is everywhere next to his and it didn't have to be that way. That's how much he trusts me to do the right thing and I have to trust him to do the same. No amount of putting clauses into a contract is going to prevent anyone from doing something bad if they want to. And frankly, mom, he is the kind of person that if I die, he needs to get married again and I've told him so. (I now could hear a pin drop. What were they thinking? Neither of them were looking at me nor each other. Hubby would be telling me to shut up just about now.) Me? I continued, I am not getting married again. I have the kids, it's enough for me. But hubby? He needs to be married. And the reality is that he might have to provide for his new wife, and he should if he wants a good marriage. And if she has children, maybe he'll need to help them too. I don't know. But I have to trust him to provide for our kids as we planned. They are his children, too.

I totally said too much. I think they were totally sad to hear all of this hypothetical talk. And maybe I was too frank about people moving on without me. I forgot that I cried so much just thinking about all the possible worst case scenarios when we formalized our plans a couple of years ago. My parents were completely silent on the way home.

Sadness

My mom was sleeping this morning when the whole family had breakfast together and left by 830 this morning. After I took my parents out to lunch, she took a nap. She slept from 2-530, during the time my kids got home , had snack and started homework. And now its 1030 and she went to bed 30 minutes ago. That's a lot of sleeping! And I just realize, she HAS to be depressed. My dad is always up, interacting with the kids, reading, walking to school with us, but my mom is in bed and at the most crucial times and when I'm going to need her when I'm gone on Wednesday.

It's just so sad. It must be so sad for my dad especially. Are you living for anything? Almost better if they hadn't had much financial security, maybe she would have found meaning in getting up everyday to help pay the mortgage. Or maybe if one of her kids had had real problems, she would have found some calling there. I just feel so so sad for her. My poor mom.

meeting

Belac's next year has been decided. He will no longer have an aide, however, he will be in the modified class for part of the time. It is a smaller class of 9 kids. Although he doesn't need that sort of direct instruction for everything, we agree that it's a trade off worth trying. Get rid of the aide and put him in a smaller class where he can gain greater independence without the distractions of 23 other kids. And when he is in the typical classroom, he's there with 4 others and an adult that trails the bunch of them, not just him. Time for him to rise to the occasion. We also discussed supervision at lunch and recess for him, times when he can find himself in trouble. They've never done something like that for anyone in this or the neurotypical class, when they haven't had an aide, but permission was granted by the chair of the special ed committee in several discussions leading up to our meeting. I am both scared and excited for him.

It was a big meeting that included his new middle school teacher and school psychologist. It was emotional because it was sort of a good bye to his teachers as we planned ahead. We also found out who his main classroom teacher will likely be, and I am very happy about it.

Hour and a half later, we began packing up. I thanked the group for everything and attributed all of Belac's progress to their thoughtful guidance over the years. Then Belac's teacher addressed me, normally more reserved and formal, saying. I just want to tell you Gimky, that in my 10 years of teaching, I have never met a parent who has done as much for their child as you have done for Belac. It's inspiring.... Stop! I told her, surprised and laughing but also tearing up, you're making me cry and it's not even true! Yes, she told me, it's totally true. You do so much for Belac, work so hard with him, push him along and try to get everyone to understand him. He has come so far because of you. And all of those playdates at your house! the school psychologist added, rolling her eyes.

It's been a journey, I could only say as I wiped away my tears. Thank you so much.

mom in town

I love her. I also tolerate her. Ugh, I hate saying that. She gave birth to me! She's done everything she can for me. What kind of ungrateful daughter am I? But I see her unsmiling face in it's natural state, her complaining of physical ailments.... I don't want to go on. I love my mom.

My childhood friend told me that she used to think that the women in her town were the most spoiled moms. Complaining about nothing. Then she started practicing in Greenwich. She tells me it's a million times worse. Patients with chronic pain and all the wealth in the world, married with kids, no passions and nothing to live for. Gimky, she told me, I just want to tell these women, you don't have problems. Go get a job. Go do something. Okay, I know my friend has her own agenda and I take it with the grain of salt. I don't approve of - for myself - and couldn't live her life either....

Am I my mom? Even a teensy weensy bit? Or more than that? I have no idea and though it shouldn't matter, I wonder and it matters.

I love my mom. Can we just leave it at that?

blown away

Today I sat in on 2 interviews for the Hebrew School principal and it was an absolutely mind boggling and interesting experience. I could not STAND the first candidate. She was eager to please, to the point of saying contradictory things. I just couldn't believe her, didn't understand where she stood on anything, and she often got off topic. The second candidate, on the other hand, was unbelievable. She asked pointed and thoughtful questions. She was substantial and had razor sharp focus. She also made me laugh my head off at one point, she has humor! She was honest. She came up with a real life example about a tough situation that didn't put herself in the best light when asked to describe such difficulties. And more than anything, she wanted to understand this role fully. I also found out, later, she already has other offers to choose from. Not surprising.

I looked at the second candidate and wondered, how did she have this passion for education? Did she have kids who needed more? Was there something lacking in her own childhood she was making up for? Or is it possible that she had so many amazing ideas simply because she just had them...?

Passion is huge. It transcends everything, really. And it separates the good from the amazing. It really does. I'm not talking about extrovert vs. introvert. The first candidate tried to pass herself off as being passionate but it sounded like meaningless words. When I asked her to cite an example of something she had done above and beyond her duties, she mentioned teaching someone else's class when she didn't have to. I almost laughed out loud. The other candidate actually had ideas that were put into practice, despite selling herself much less. Youtube videos of Hebrew shows and other funny stuff. Speed reading competitions in Hebrew with compelling rules. A whole list of websites with games in Hebrew. The understanding that technology needs to be incorporated into teaching. A mentor program with teenage aides in the classroom. Teaching that involved inclusion programs for special needs kids. Mandatory workshops for teachers, where they practice teaching each other. The understanding in this era, that teaching can happen in many different ways. I mean, we're talking about someone who took her duties to a whole other level. And it's not because she was paid more. She simply held herself and her work to another standard.

I was actually sorry to say good bye after the hour. She was a breath of fresh air. An inspiration. Could I just talk to her once a week?

And I just have to wonder. This second woman HAD to have baggage. I mean, you can't have done all of that without trying to change the system for some very big reason, like having a kid who needed more or having a childhood where, I don't know what. Or could you...? How do you instill that kind of  passion otherwise?

All to say, I love the 2nd candidate. It's serious LOVE, folks! Could she please be my kids' teacher for even other subjects besides religion? But still 2 more candidates to go.

Treasure trove

Soo, I need the cook book recommendation from you. Just got back from doc appt, and there are continued concerns about Belac's growth. He just won't put on any weight! I figured you are the one I need to get advice from about high caloric meals.


Gimky, I didn't use a cook book! i meal planned every meal though. The best way to add calories is to give him a milkshake every night for dessert- 1 cup of haagen daaz ice-cream -this has the highest calories plus 1/2 cup of whole milk -this alone is 600 calories.

It's all about quantity. And we don't buy anything that says fat free or low fat.

Bagels with 3 tablespoons of cream cheese is good for lunches. if you do sandwiches -need to put into sandwiches at least 3 ounces of cheese and 3 or more slices of deli meat. There is not a lot of calories in deli meat. We also give sandwiches made out croissants. One croissant is 300 calories!

Does Belac like eggs? buy jumbo eggs -highest calories eggs. and J eats 2 eggs for breakfast for 3 days a week plus 2 slices of whole grain toast plus 1 cup of whole milk. J drinks 1 cup of whole milk at breakfast, snack (after school) and dinner.

The key to putting on weight is to find out how much calories Belac needs to eat (for his height and weight) and then add an extra 500 calories on top. for eg. if Belac needs to eat 2200 calories per day then to put on weight he needs to eat 2700 calories. He needs to eat 3 meals plus snack after school plus dessert.

And use butter or olive oil. if a recipe calls for butter -add extra butter : )

And pasta servings -he needs to eat at least 2 cups of pasta and 1 cup of sauce. We always serve bread with 2 tablespoons of butter as well. We don't give J too much salad. Salad is zero calories! give Belac sliced cucumber and fruit but very little -no more than 1/2 a cup. He needs to eat more carbs. and make more meals with fattier type meats -chicken thighs, ground beef.

Also rice is great too -but give him 2 cups of rice instead of one.

Meals that are great have cheese in them -chicken parmiagiana. cream soups. and lots of pasta. the dinner plate has to be full! Ideas for dinner: Chicken pot pie, meatloaf, spaghetti bolognese, lasagna, fried rice (needs to eat at least 2 cups), quiche, baked chicken with skin and they have to eat the skin.

Snack ideas:-we have guacamole once a week -1 cup of guacamole plus about 10 chips, 3 ounces of cheese and 6 crackers, 2 muffins (medium size), 3 cookies (large size), fruit pies -2 servings. I read all the packaging now.

The way I split up the calories -is that breakfast has to be at least 600 calories. Lunch is smaller because they have less time to eat -this meal is about 400 calories. Snack is about 400 calories. If Belac doesn't like milk, serve him a cup of juice, Dinner is the biggest meal -this usually is about 800-1100 calories. then shake is about 600 calories.

this is the website where you can plug what each food is worth in calories and you can keep track what Belac eats every day too so you know he is getting the calories that he needs. It's all about mathematics!

http://supertracker.usda.gov

Hope this helps!

Let me know if you want to chat about this!

xo

Soo


OMG. Thank you. We need to chat! xx Gimky

food for Belac

I'm no longer keeping a food journal for myself. I'm really fine and this was stupid. At least in light of the doctor's prolonged and new concern about Belac's weight....

Just got back from his annual check up. The doctor is again concerned about Belac's growth and the fact that he has not gained a pound since last year, after having lost a few pounds in an in between visit. Belac is growing slowly in height, but his weight just won't keep up. Jake, on the other hand, gained 10 pounds and 3 inches. The doctor is sending us to a specialist. Both of my boys have always been off the charts skinny, like you can see every single rib and bone skinny, but this past year the doctor has been much more concerned about Belac. 

So actually, Gimky's journal is going to be Belac's. I'm determined to fatten this kid up.

backstage

The Complicated Chinese Family Tree

Me: LOL. Uncle is such a girl! An even bigger girl than mom.

Sis: Omg. So true. These are the things that he lives for. Taiwan vs China conspiracies. Then again, did you see moms commentary on the family in the tree? Of course I mean about Alexs family.

Me: No!!

Sis: What is it that Uncle keeps posting that ThinMan keeps deleting?

Me: Omg. It was this 10,000 lined rant, I didn't think they allowed such long comments. It was over the top, a lecture about jr vs sr and how he could never get away with not addressing anyone properly. If he really wanted to be a father and lay down the law, he needed to be here 30 years ago.


If history repeats itself, we have now entered the silent phase. My mother will be quiet, I'm sure, because she won't quite know what side she's supposed to be on. My Uncle will be offended for awhile because all of his comments were deleted (but, you know, it was not a youngin who did this, but technically his equal in the hierarchy. So ironic! So how much push back is my Uncle really allowed?) But I will 'like' a few of their future posts and this, too, shall all pass. At least I expect everyone to come to NY for Thanksgiving, 9 months away.


ThinMan said earlier: You guys have really interesting family discussions on FB....

Me: You're diplomatic.

ThinMan: See you soon. And don't let your Uncle bug you today. :)

uncle

My uncle is a teenage girl. I love him but he gets under my skin and I can never help but get lured in by his littlest provocation because, well, I'm a girl, too. Well, that's not it. It's because he thinks he knows everything best and can suddenly show up and be the man giving orders. You can't argue or even disagree in the nicest way, it's disrespectful. But it doesn't work that way in the US, it really doesn't.

I am proud of my heritage and am far from ashamed of my immigrant background. But I will tell you one thing about growing up in an Asian immigrant household. I grew up not being able to discuss or question one thing of my parents, even during confusing and bad times. I grew up apologizing for things I had no business apologizing for. When my mother wasn't getting out of bed or would leave in the middle of the night because she was again upset about something, I couldn't talk to anyone. I was reminded time and time again to honor my parents, and in doing so, I was mostly silent and just endured. I have spent most of my adult life figuring out that I do have an opinion and feelings that matter. I have spent all of my time as a mother, living a certain surreal life and proving that it really didn't have to be that way. And the truth is, on top of all this, in advocating for my children I found my voice. At first it was very quiet and barely there, but it got louder and more assured over the years, and all out of necessity and love of my kids.

So you know, when my Uncle tells us that the "Snowflake girls" and his kids should all be calling everyone by their hierarchical Asian titles, especially after not being present for his own children, their entire lives growing up, instead giving them to my mom and then having the audacity to criticize her for the job she did? I can't laugh it off. You want respect? Earn it.

running

Believe it or not, I have nothing to write! Just wasting time until I have digested my food more and can get on the treadmill. I have a rehearsal this morning so I have to watch the clock. The house is generally messier now that I've been exercising and that's another thing to tackle. I go to Boston next week and it'll be something to get this house in ship shape before my parents arrive to help. Part of it is because I don't want my parents cleaning or organizing anything while here, it should be as easy as possible for them. But I also have this thing with my mom, where I sort of always feel like I have to prove something and so the house is always crazy clean and organized before she visits.

Oh my god. See how these admissions just tumble out when you least expect it? But it's true that this always happens. It sounds so terrible, but in so many ways, I don't want to fall into someone in particular's ways.

And on that note, I am really off to run. And hard.

getting ahead

Hubby attended a congratulatory-farewell dinner for a colleague, last night. He and colleague were hired around the same time, both were promoted within the company fairly quickly, until this last time. Colleague has now been promoted to head of some division and on his way to Belgium. In fact, he sold their house and his family has already moved there. Incredible!

I noticed hubby was pensive and quiet last night. He was... tired?

You know, sweetie, you should feel good about your accomplishments. You've done amazingly well for yourself and for us....

I know.

And you should know that you'd be hard pressed to have gotten me to move to Belgium!

He chuckled, I know!

You know, Jake is in a really good place. And even though our family is far away, we don't exactly need them to be farther away.... Good for him that he could make that sacrifice, but it would not have been so easy for us to risk the kids' education and where they are, their happiness, stability and all....

I know, I really didn't want that job. It's okay. I'm just sad, I don't know why. I think I'm tired.

When does it end? We are saving aggressively for college as we are not anticipating any kind of hand out. We are also saving for a small stipend for Belac when he turns 21 in case he doesn't follow the usual path. I think we are ahead of most people in the US when it comes to saving, but we just can't save enough if we want to afford college and do what we need and can for Belac's plan B. I would love for both boys to go to Oberlin, where hubby and I met, but how does anyone afford it these days?

I really don't blame hubby for worrying and trying to get ahead.

30 day experiment

Keeping track of eating and exercise for a month, but somewhere else.

http://gimkysjournal.blogspot.com

meeting before meeting

Next week we meet with the middle school to discuss next year for Belac. This meeting does not usually happen this early, but the school psychologist and Belac's current teacher are both having babies this spring and I need them to be present. Today, I have called a meeting before the meeting to make sure that both the school psychologist and Belac's teacher understand my concerns.

Please focus on the whole child. My whole child.

He gets high 90s in math and science, higher grades than Jake ever got. But he routinely gets himself into trouble socially. Maybe he doesn't need an aide in certain subjects, but he really needs to be supervised at recess and lunch and between classes. He has been smothering a flower and obsessed with her. And yes, he has been so good in recent weeks about giving her space and following the rules, but it has involved a lot of supervision and my picking him up every day early and coaching him and reassuring him at night when he's been weepy and confused. Yesterday, when he thought the break was up and that things would go back to "normal" and maybe he could play with his friend during recess and the answer was "no" let's give this more time, his response was to lay face down on the ground and cry the entire time and weep for the rest of the day. His aide told me that she wanted to lay down and cry with him. She understood his pain. It's universal and we have all felt and feel it. The thing is, it's just not the kind of intensity you'd expect from a typical 10 year old boy, and he has demonstrated this in situation after situation.

The truth is, I really don't care much about the academic piece when it comes to Belac. What I care about is the person piece. Middle school is hard enough for any neurotypical, let alone someone who already starts off really struggling socially and emotionally. What does it matter if a kid does well academically or if they are supposedly so smart? It means nothing and cannot be put to any good use if a child - or anyone for that matter - is not minimally at peace with themselves and minimally understood/appreciated by those around him. I know public school is all about the numbers, rankings and protocol, but we have to remember this. The social-emotional piece is not secondary to the oh so important academic piece, they go hand in hand.

It boils down to two points today and I hope to make a succinct, persuasive case:

1) Belac cannot be assigned -under any circumstances- to Mrs. Lotto. (Remember that lovely 5th grade teacher Jake had?) She is passive-aggressive, lacks compassion, and feels no responsibility for any type of follow-through or follow-up. She simply doesn't care enough and Belac would totally be at the bottom of her totem pole.

2) He needs an aide. I know they don't really give these at the middle school except in very exceptional cases, but I'm sorry, he needs one.

play

Done teaching early today. The kids are running around in a screaming, crazy game of tag with Izzy. They are so happy. This after Belac came at the end of Izzy's piano lesson, creeping up from behind a chair with the globe perched on head. Jake laughing his head off from the other room, as I tried to sing lullaby words to a piece she played at break-neck speed.

I forgot to give Belac his pill this morning. And like last week, on another day I forgot to give him a pill, he seems so happy and humor-filled. Mere coincidence? I don't know but it troubles me.

They all have a ton of homework. Do I care? This is the best learning there is. Making rules, breaking rules, changing rules, breaking up then making up and more running around. Good old-fashioned play. This trio is incredible, it always is, actually. Okay, 15 more minutes, I warn them.

interview

We probably go to services once every 6 weeks. And the reason why is because there is a band and I bring my violin. And it's during these times that I notice that a man in his 50s always comes in alone and late. He has greasy hair, wears jeans and speaks to no one. His mouth is always moving like he's chewing something, but I don't think he is. He also kind of has a blank stare on his face. But he's always there, stays for coffee and some snack afterwards and makes no trouble at all. Maybe someone occasionally says hello. Over time, I have come to the conclusion that he's special needs.

In December, I went to the Rabbi to tell him that I thought something was very wrong with the Hebrew School. That, first of all, Belac hated going and was on the verge of dropping out. That the last time this happened, the former director had told me that the only other time they had a special needs kid in the Hebrew School, he had Asperger's and eventually dropped out. I almost tore my hair out on the spot for her non-chalance. There is only so much a small Hebrew School can do to accommodate this group, she had said. The newer director shared this same sentiment. But how does this make any sense? Did you try to do ANYTHING differently before coming to this conclusion to do nothing?

I beg to differ. When the class sizes are small, when the congregation is small, there is more ability to accommodate individual quirks. Everyone gets to know each other, pitches in a little and that is a good thing. We aren't talking about kids or people who need constant help breathing and hand holding. We are talking about people who are fairly independent and high functioning, but need a certain kind of acceptance and attention. Understanding. And come to think of it, maybe instead of forcing the kids to sit 2 hours at a time, you could get them up and moving around. Turn up some Israeli music and learn a few moves. Turn on a Looney Tunes clip in Hebrew and then spend some time deciphering it. Get some fancy pens out and do some Hebrew calligraphy. Make the learning fun and engaging. Why is this Hebrew School so backwards and so stuck in its boring ways? The same clay menorah every December. The same crafts. The same songs, over and over. How can this Hebrew School be attached to such a socially progressive and creative synagogue?

I pointed out to the Rabbi. You know that guy who always comes? With the baseball cap? You know, the one who comes by himself and talks to no one...? The Rabbi finally nodded. Someone taught him to come, I told him. It speaks volumes about this guy's parents - maybe they're no longer alive? (he nodded) - and about the community that this guy comes every week and knows he can come and does come. He's welcome, feels welcome, and coming here probably keeps him out of trouble, too. It doesn't matter that he's a little strange maybe, and what really is he getting from the service side? But when he shows up, he's counted, right? He's counted for the minyan. He's counted! And this is exactly what is missing from the Hebrew School. My kid. In Hebrew School, he's a nuisance. They don't want to deal with him, don't know how and don't want to learn. And if this director is going to shrug like the previous one and tell me they really can't do anything? That's bullshit! I had told him. Maybe the Hebrew School should spend a second looking at themselves and thinking about what they can do better. Instead of rolling their eyes at my kid, actually listen to what he's saying, what most kids are too polite to point out so openly: This is boring, this is pointless.

There have been a lot of complaints about the Hebrew School over the years. I have become friendly with enough people to know, now, that I haven't been the only unhappy parent. The school has lost a lot of kids. But I think its this conversation I had with the Rabbi that got me roped into sitting in on these interviews. I'm not complaining. There is an amazing opportunity for someone to build a great kids program. It is possible. One that gets our kids thinking and doing and focusing on kindness and social issues. I have no more patience for theoretical or more flowery, meaningless rhetoric. Let's do the right thing. Let's teach by doing. Let's get out of our big, fat bubbles. Let's find the right person for the job.

the non spiel

It's not even 5:30 and I am ready for bed.

Last night, we went to our synagogue's fundraiser and literally danced the night away at a local club. Dot was there, Robby and his wife, hubby...  we were the last ones on the floor, actually. There was a play put on earlier by synagogue members, a parody of a Fox News investigative report which involved a transvestite anchor. Our rabbi, a vegetarian, beret wearing dude, got up and danced gangnum style to finish it all off.... And then as soon as dinner and spoof ended and music began, I kicked off my boots and pranced around with the others, everyone and anyone, until they kicked us out. It was fun and I was with people I consider newish but good friends. But I'm also not 20-something anymore. My ankle now hurts and day after, my body feels like it's had a beating.

I am not religious nor someone who believes anything in particular. But this synagogue offers something else. A creative, academically rigorous and thoughtful, liberal life perspective from an all-embracing group. A community. My community, I'd surprisingly admit if pressed as I've always been somewhat anti - organized religion. However, some of the people I've met there have enriched my life in real ways.... Last night, someone on the board asked me to sit in on the upcoming interviews for a new Hebrew School director. I was surprised and honored. Mostly, though, I felt relief and hope for my kids. With luck, they can pump some much needed life and excitement and meaning to the kids' experience.

Ramsjo

In 45 minutes splat, hubby and I decided on everything. The next hour was spent eating lunch at the cafeteria and picking up a garlic press and a few glasses from the marketplace. It was so painless. I love that none of us like to shop. And thank God for the Internet, where you can pretty much do all your research at home.

We decided on Ramsjo black brown cabinets (about $3000.) Ceaserstone Blizzard and Atlantic Salt for the counters (about 2100.) An induction cooktop and hood (almost $1400), and a few white shiny shelves, toe kicks, handles, etc. (about $200.) Then subtract 20 percent on all of this, the current promo, it comes to $5360 not including tax, several appliances we will buy elsewhere, and installation. This is incredible value for the money. I priced out just cabinets I liked at Home Depot, and we were looking at an astonishing figure in the mid 20 thousands. Quite happy to like something enough at Ikea, where there is a 25 year warranty and good reviews on the product.

Of course, the bigger expense will be taking down a wall, the demo, the new kitchen windows, floor, plumbing, electric.... But it's only because we are going with Ikea that we can attempt to cover all of our bases in there. Hoping to make it very user friendly, simple and beautiful on a very strict budget. If all goes well, we break ground in May.

It's time

Yesterday, I put wings in the oven for Jakes bday dinner. 30 minutes later, the meat was still cold, even turned up to broil. The 25 year old oven, already temperamental and unreliable, had finally called it quits. Into the microwave everything went. The stove, with only two of its burners working, is on its way to similar fate. Still, we always managed fine and simply ignored the cardboard showing from dings in the laminate counters and frayed doors. Hubby could never bring himself to Ikea to check anything out on his day off and I am very unmotivated in that regard too. Plus, it's a big job, a pain in the neck and more money. But today is different. Gimky, hubby tells me, it's time. And off to Paramus we go.

Nothing

Nice to have nothing planned. Sleep in. Leftovers for breakfast. Some clean up. A trip to the barber. A hike maybe. And oh yeah. I found a dead mouse in the washer yesterday and screamed bloody murder. Pretty please to hubby to take care of this.  It went through a wash cycle with our clothes, at least it's clean.

my jacoby

The sounds of laughing, ping pong balls, maracas shaking and 12 year old mayhem.... Jake has the nicest, truest friends and it is an eclectic bunch. He has a Russian pianist, a sports jock, a Catholic school kid, our old nxt door neighbor, and his buddy from nursery school coming, a singing, music theater kid. They are real friends of his, not one type of kid, and none of them would be friends were it not for Jake.

My boy is 12. He's happy and himself as they run around outside like maniacs playing tag. He hasn't had any sleeping problems for 6 months, he's doing well in school, and I just feel he's so much more comfortable in his skin. He's come so far and I just love this kid so much. Happy Birthday, Jacoby!

ups and downs

The dog ran down the drive as I was trying to organize recycling, and because of that, I first heard - then saw - the aftermath of an accident just a few hundred feet from my house. A guy got out of his car and started yelling his brains out at another guy. It was exceedingly bad character. I stood and watched a little. Then some people walked by, oh my god! they murmured. I know, I know, I murmured back. I looked closer and squinted. Hey, I know that car.... Don't go, stay out of it, the women whispered. But it was our friend and this crazy man was towering over him. I held the dog in my arms. Hey, Robby, I approached oh so casually, you okay? Can I do something...? The guy was now IN his face and yelling at him and he was just silently looking for something on his phone. Can you call the Sunny Patch police for me? he asked, not looking up from his screen, I can't find their number, but at this point I might just call 911.... Within minutes the police were there.

Then there was a notice from the Sunny Patch middle school I found in my mailbox on the way back into the house. I opened it curiously. I read it several times just to make sure I understood and did my blood pressure ever rise. I didn't have time for this but couldn't let it go. I took a deep breath. My first email draft was livid, my second was more nice and appreciative, less confrontational but extremely critical of this system. By the time I was sitting in my car on the way to teach, the school called. That was fast. They were so sorry. I had caught a teacher in a bald face lie at Jake's expense. You can't trust anybody. ANYBODY. But now I had pulled over and was 20 minutes late to teaching over this....

And then because I couldn't catch up, I was even later to meet Sue for lunch. It was different today. We usually would meet not even an hour and then run off our merry ways. But this time she lingered and seemed to really need this. Listening to her, I blinked back tears time and time again. If I started crying, she would surely stop and tell me she was fine and that everything was fine. She obviously needed to get everything off her chest. Their little one - not so little anymore, he's 11 - has become violent and cannot be taken anywhere. She recalled going out for hubby's bday, a few weeks ago, and for some reason the ipad was not doing it's usual wonder. The boy was slapping himself silly, calling out, and thrashing about and the more they tried to control him the worse it got. She abruptly got up and took him home. Hubby's parents wept silently. The next day, the parents brought over birthday cake for their son so they could all sit together and have the cake properly. And for some reason, the gesture killed me and I had to weep.

They have finally accepted they cannot take him to restaurants. She understands that he cannot endure long trips, painful as her entire family and ailing mother all live in Australia.... Her husband is now in therapy, a cool asian dude who I adore and in another life I would tell you he could survive anything! But trying to keep his chin up during crushing disappointment and tremendous stress has taken its toll. Their older son is anorexic. And you just wonder, have to wonder. Have they ever had a calm meal time together as a family?  The other night, they had a special ed teacher come over to babysit so they could go out to eat. The 3 of them. She described how surreal it was to be anonymous in a restaurant, how calm it was, how light it felt to not wonder about the ticking time bomb. They hadn't done this ever. Ever. And then there was her older son who felt overwhelming guilt and weeped for having left the younger one at home. This totally good kid who basically asks for nothing, it just breaks my heart. If he's to recover from anorexia, though, they must figure out another way with family meals. It's an impossible situation.

Soo, I told her. If Brian were older, capable of knowing how much effort he is and could speak, he would tell you to go out to dinner and take time for yourself. He would tell all of you this. I swear it. You have hubby and another son, they are both screaming for help in their own ways and its just time for you to all take care of yourselves. And Sweetie. This means you, too.

More teaching as the day got late. And then you know what? I noticed a couple of earlier messages from hubby. When we finally talked on his way home, he had some shocking news. It seems they want to move him to another part of the company. He has to interview like everyone else and I don't believe anything until contracts have been signed, but that they put him on this shortlist before he even knew about the opening is something. All the sweeter because it was unexpected and an area hubby once worked in and is excited by. For sure, he has been lucky professionally, but I have to say, he also has an astonishing work ethic, paralleled by few around him. He works like a horse and sweats buckets over every accomplishment and misstep. It's an honor for him to just be in the running and I am very proud of him.

What a crazy slice of life this Thursday was.

Later,  I take five 12 year olds bowling for Jake's birthday. The craziness continues.