at home

I deserve a medal. I read three chapters of a book with Belac and discussed various paragraphs with him. He answered detailed questions about his reading for homework. He had a math packet to do and I had to just trust it was okay. Too much for us to go over. And the social studies.... not easy reading. He had weeped for awhile upon arriving home. So much hwk. He wanted to skip karate but I convinced him he couldn't. It is so good for him and I watched how well he is able to follow along the entire hour but how the sparring is a challenge in the give and take. It is so good for him, I wish he had time to go twice a week.

Jake admitted to not realizing there was a French test, today. And then could not find his charger for the chrome book. Hopefully it was left in Montreal and his granny can bring it tomorrow. His Chromebook is now dead and I refused to just run out and buy another charger for him and urged him to look hard.

Over dinner we discussed the definition of hobby and if playing video games could be considered a hobby....

All I can say, is that despite being driven crazy by these kids, I'm glad I have the time with them. No babysitter is going to be after them to understand their reading and I have seen tutors cut corners.... Or to hold them accountable and pull their hair out when they've lost or forgotten one more thing.

It's too bad about that house. I'm afraid anything similar - an ideal insurance policy for Belac - will be beyond our reach.

Cash

Wow. Like the other multi, it went fast. All cash! Listing is not even 2 weeks old and the inspection is done. Where do we live? the city...?? We have money, but not that kind of money to go mortgageless. Obviously, there are others who have our same designs.

I realize if this is our goal in the next few years, we have to get our ducks in a row to act quickly and decisively. I wrote the realtor: the next time a multi family comes up within walking distance, please let me know.

Maybe Charles' house is not such a bad deal after all. However, it's not a true multi in its current state, and too expensive!

multi options

I got hubby to take the long way home. Wait, where are we going? Belac asked. We're just going to take a look at a house, I explained.

Hubby drove slower than usual as we quietly took note of the walk from town and train station. It's a half mile with a sidewalk all the way. I think there might even be a bus stop closer to the house. And the house, you know, didn't look pristine or anything but appeared to be a solid colonial next to not ugly houses. And at least one of the houses next to it was in pristine shape. It needs work, hubby noted.

Everyone is now in hyper gear with Belac's bar mitzvah coming up in a few weeks and tax season here. Hubby in meeting after meeting with acquiring company, still unsure of what's going on, his prospects there and elsewhere. Still, I asked hubby, could we get a down payment together? Do we have it in cash? Where could we liquidate the rest from...?  I wonder if it's priced that way, hubby mused, to get a bidding war. I wonder, I added, if the buyer will pay all cash like at the other house....

There is never a good time to take a risk. Never. We have money but not gobs to throw away over a bad decision. But I continue to look for good deals to be had and a way to make an investment that is an insurance policy for Belac in particular. I am pretty certain Belac can go to college, get a job and live independently and live well enough. But the circumstances of it need tinkering with and I am determined to set something up. This is a great town of progressives. And before all of this approved development arrives on that strip of town in the next years, I think the best deals to be had are on that street. That multi-family house as a straight out investment or a multi family Belac could eventually live in and rent out, so far it fits the bill in terms of location, price, and layout.

Left a message for a realtor I saw a few houses with over the years. Can we see the house?

By the way, it has good numbers! It stretches up to a cadence. A great sign!

choices

I am feeling not so great about things with Dot.

She wrote on Sunday to tell me that her son's science olympiad took first in regionals and was now going to the state competition.  Great!! I wrote back. Still later, after I exchanged places with hubby and was behind the wheel and driving back from Montreal "and then exhubby needed to come here and handle son this morning who was raging and abusive because he didn't want to go to Hebrew School. This is very hard. All his privileges are disappearing again."

An hour later she wrote: "sorry! just saw on fb that you're in Montreal!"

Did you see, there, that it was my birthday recently? Did you ask how my trip was?

Later I wrote back: "Don't worry! I was driving and could not respond. If there is anything I can do just let me know. Poor thing. He sounds stressed and overwhelmed." That was a nice enough reply, right? And plus I know how high strung and high stress she is. HE is the child, she is the adult. What was the response?

"Gimky you are in denial. He may be stressed and overwhelmed but he's defiant and abusive to me and to sister. And I mean abusive. How about a little compassion for US?"

Ugh. I just bristle at this. I feel for this kid, who is Belac's best friend. I have never seen him in this 'abusive' state she describes. And while I want to be there for her as a friend, I don't want to be involved in this and resent being asked to choose sides. She has been work, lately, and needy and just sucking, sucking, sucking from me. Plus it is just such negative, bitter energy from a seemingly bottomless pit of self pity and it is tiring and repelling. He comes every week, here and I love him. He is a good kid among this group, chatty, goofing off, analyzing social dynamics at school. I don't need her to convince me that he is abusive. I don't want to be told that I'm expected to do something. He is the kid, it's the kid who needs some compassion and understanding. I choose the kid.

"Sorry" I replied with a word.

And pls don't discuss this w anyone.

OMG, what a pill!!

"Of course, I never do" I wrote and left it at that.

Car talk

Long road trips are the best. Hubby and I always end up talking in depth about things. I told him if he were to accept a job from acquiring company, that I'd be inclined to downsize. Why? Because we'd try to buy an apt in DC. We wouldn't do a house, we'd want to be near the metro so we could enjoy the city as - gulp - older people. And I'd want to keep a house that would be appropriate for Belac to live or commute to school from, in this town where a car is not necessary.... Back and forth we discussed. Hubby was a bit resistant as usual, he really loves our house, but then let slip that he always liked a certain street in our town, closer to town and with more modestly sized houses. I like another, that has multi-family dwellings and really believe we need to move in that direction. Live in one unit, rent out another or have my business in it.

There is a new multi listing in town. We ran the numbers on back of envelope. I think it's a very good deal and we estimated a 5 percent return on a straight out investment. Hubby, I told him, even my parents could one day move into the lower apartment. He rolled his eyes, no way! I shrugged, you never know. We could rent out the top floor, or Belac could eventually live there after he graduates highschool. We could even live there if our circumstances really changed....

I am a little concerned that hubby may get a job in DC that will be impossible to turn down. Even if our finances don't change, I'm going to want to move out of this house. He will be there more than here, what would we need this big house for? We could get a pretty penny for it, I believe, and live well on less.

A good discussion.

Dinner

A lovely turn out at tonight's dinner. Jake came early with me to set up. We put out planks and paper and crayons at the activity tables. We poured wine and set out challah for the blessing. People started arriving. It was just so nice. A girl who asked to volunteer arrived with her friend and her whole family ended up staying. i had prepped her to be a buddy for an Aspie girl, and it was perfect. They instantly bonded. And I noticed Jake was talking to her and this girls' parents. They had been in Hebrew school together but hadn't seen each other in 2 years. I really like the parents and the girl is cuuuuuuute! Beautiful and sweet! I don't blame him for being intrigued. He was on his best behavior, and ever so helpful. Both Hannah and Jake were in charge of the activity table and the kids. Parents had moments for some real conversations...

We all lingered long and chatted. The stars aligned and the kids were good, with the occasional squawk and things needing attending. Everyone hugged eachother at end of the night. One mom, mom to a PDDnos boy and a nonverbal autistic girl, there for the first time, hugged me and told me what a lovely, fun night she had. Others congratulated me on the award. One mom told me that it made such a difference that I follow up with all the families and personally reach out.

You're such a schmoozer, hubby pointed out later. Here I am twiddling my thumbs and trying hard, and there you are, making your rounds and in the thick of it all. You're so good, Gimky!

Sipping wine and eating potato chips now with the family. Tmw we leave for Montreal at the crack of dawn. I can't do anything else today and will get up at 5:30 to pack.

Tonight made me feel alive. It was so good. Happy day!

Attention

I could not imagine not acknowledging either of my kids' birthday. I could not imagine asking my kids to take me off a group email thread, especially if it was over their family's news, even if it wasn't over anything particularly happy, like a discussion of health insurance elections. I could not imagine writing to either of my children's friends or partners, venting about them about why my child is so wrong and unworthy. unfriending them on facebook. Rejecting them. Never wanting to talk to them again.

Last night, I was at a bar mitzvah meeting, and the Rabbi did the most casual thing. Hugged me and wished me Happy Birthday, still 3 days later and even after she had already. This morning I woke up to an email blast, with my name in the title, inviting everyone to the awards ceremony in my honor for my community service. It's just wild to me that I am good enough for others, even loved by others, but my own mother is just so incapable of showing me appreciation for my existence, a little affection or just basic respect. I know I go on and on about it occasionally but I just have trouble getting over it.

I know she is ill. I know she has inner turmoil. I know she is not of sound mind. But occasionally in my childhood and adulthood, she showed me something sweet, the way a mom does.

Do I do what I do to prove to myself I'm worthy? Or that I am better than she? Do I do what I do because I want to show myself that it really didn't have to be a certain way? And yet it continues to be a certain way with her....

part of me thinks it would just be easier if I could convince myself that my mom has died, the mom I saw a few times and wanted so badly. If I could just accept that, maybe I'd be better off. I have a very good life and have no reason to feel sorry for myself.

Friday

It's going to be a huge long day. I'm glad the kids and hubby all got out early at 7:30. I'm glad we are in a good routine with food. The kids had last night's chicken and noodles for breakfast and the same thing went into thermoses for lunch. Life changed for the better a few years ago, when I realized I could make a lot of something delicious in large quantities that we'd eat until finished, rather than kill myself over making something different everyday. Cleaning up now because I get home, today, just as lessons begin. I never let students trek into the house without everything wiped down and picked up. It's part of my image I preserve, just don't go upstairs.

I have the dinner to set up quickly this afternoon. Food to pick up, still name tags to print up, Legos to put in bins to have at an activity table during dinner.... And still, everything to do to get out of the house at 7am, tomorrow, for an overnight trip to Montreal. Hubby's grandma is turning 100!

FYI

To: Parents of 4 boys in 7th grade, smart kids who receive extra supports, none of whom are currently taking a foreign language like most of the 7th grade because they are taking an extra core class to keep up with grade level work. In Belac's case, he's taking an extra English class.


Hi, everyone!




I began a conversation with the Guidance Counselor at the High School, today, about possibly adding ASL as one of the accepted foreign language requirements. I have a piano student who attends Ossining schools and is fulfilling his language requirement with an ASL offering there. The school has also made an arrangement with School for the Deaf for transfers of credit for classes taken there.




Although there is no Regents exam necessary in a foreign language, my understanding is that the kids need minimum 1 year of foreign language as part of their graduation requirement. In Caleb's case, a more visual language like ASL is easier for him and from a practical standpoint, the signing, the looking, the physical engagement required for ASL reinforces the skills he is trying to learn and develop better. Plus the act of putting oneself into another person's disability would be - I believe - a profoundly meaningful exercise for Caleb. 

If you have any thoughts or interest in this for your boys, please let me know as I plan to also speak with the Asst. Principal and the Director of Special Ed. about offering it as a class or accepting credit for ASL from a class taken elsewhere.

In our case, I am anticipating that Caleb will probably be in the collaborative class and I've been told - but it has not been verified to me - that there are not supports for foreign language in the collab class. Further, in the Ossining school district, waiving the foreign language means taking an extra social studies class, which would be a struggle for Caleb given his challenges and not going with his particular strengths..... Not sure if any of this is true in our school district, but I plan to find out and will pass along any new info.


Talk to you soon!

ASL

Yes. Definitely, please, at every other day I think we agreed.

I understand that Jake spoke to the Science teacher about possible advanced Science for next year. They looked at his test grades and they are in the realm, he told Jacob, and advised him to improve his homework reliability and lab grades.

The bigger stretch I think is Math, but I believe he spoke to the teacher as well, and is trying to get better on top of things. 

I was impressed he wanted and did all of this on his own. We will see what happens.

On another note, I have a 7th grader son I haven't yet mentioned to you. He's a very smart kid with very spikey, almost gifted-like strengths in some areas and is a struggler in others. He has a high functioning spectrum diagnosis. He will likely be in the collab class in highschool. We plan and hope for him to earn a Regents diploma. 

My question is, would Sunny Patch ever consider adding ASL as a foreign language? They offer this in the Ossining district. Further, they allow students to transfer credit from the School for the Deaf. There are several kids in Belac's grade with his similar profile, and I can't also help but think how beneficial ASL would be for these spectrumy kids in particular. Actively engaging physically in order to communicate and putting oneself in the shoes of another and another's disability would be particularly instructive. Instead of waiving the language requirement as many do or struggle through a class that offers none of the usual academic supports, they could benefit from the learning of another very visual language that is useful and applicable. In any case, maybe we can talk about it and I could help arrange/push for it at the high school if we already don't have something like this in place?

Thanks so much.

I think you are great for Jake. The right kind of personality, vibe and holist thinking. I also love that you attended Hampshire for undergrad, where people think outside of the box and ponder the value of what most people simply accept as the norm.

Gimky

On Feb 25, 2016, at 9:24 AM, guidance

Dear Gimky, 

I was reviewing courses for next year and noticed that Learning Strategies is not on.

I'm thinking I should add it - yes?

please let me know,

Guidance

IMPORTANT NOTICE: This email and any attachments are meant for the use of the intended recipient. It may contain confidential information that is legally privileged or otherwise protected by law. If you received this email in error or from someone who was not authorized to send it to you, you are strictly prohibited from reviewing, using, disseminating, distributing, or copying the email. Please notify the sender immediately of the error by return email or telephone and delete this message from your system. Thank you for your cooperation.

Confirmation

Received a reply from Jake's guidance counselor.

"No mistake. Jake earned it."

I also could see for myself that Jake earned High Honors by a mere .36 percent, making the minimum number based on rounding up to the nearest full percentage point.

Last semester was new territory, somehow landing on the Honor Roll for the first time in his life. This semester is just freakin' surreal!

Good for Jake to get a taste of recognition for his continued effort.

Shock

Opened a mailing and am utterly shocked. A notice that Jake achieved High Honors in 2nd quarter. How is that possible? I didn't even think he was going to make Honor Roll.

I quickly called Hubby, who was dropping off Jake at school. Are you all in the car listening? I proceeded to read the letter. How is that possible?! they both cried with laughter. I have no idea! o replied. I'm going to make sure it wasn't a mistake, I didn't say, and find out what the criteria is...

In any case. I don't need these categories to understand and recognize that Jake is doing well and working hard. Years of watching him spin his wheels and try, have forced me to watch for his progress in ways not numerical. But that his effort has recently been reflected by his numbers achieved? Well, I am obviously thrilled for him.

learning

Everyone wrote back and said they'd have checks for me, this week. No one meant any ill will, but I just have to be less "whenever you can" about things. It doesn't help anybody, and least of all me.

Two moms have asked about doing a local Mommy and Me class. If we can get 2 more kids, I could run a class out of the house. And maybe one class could then be another. I usually have 12-18 kids plus parents and caretakers in my classes at the schools so this would be different. Studying the living room, 4 kids and their moms would be a fine fit and you know? In years to come, I can take on more privates and hopefully the babies will stay on weekly for music lessons....

A grandma at mommy and me complimented me the other day, saying that I'm very talented at connecting with people and getting everyone excited about music. And you're so lucky! she told me, you can do this for the rest of your life! Interesting, I paused, I hadn't thought of it that way!

I am lucky to be able to figure this out and create myself. For sure, I have to stay fit and take care.

good point

An email from hubby with a good point that made me feel better:


Gimky, I blocked my calendar to leave work at 4pm that day. 

You should feel good about the special needs 

service even with limited attendance this Friday. Besides the obvious "bragging rights" it gives the synagogue to have it, its existence sends an important message about inclusiveness.

love, Hubby

payment

One of my schools owes me $1400. And I realize that if this doesn't resolve before Friday, I'm not going in to teach. You absolutely cannot go in until they pay you! hubby told me at breakfast.

Looking at my books, I see I also have 3 families who owe money. I invoiced all of them, this morning. I never had so many students and could previously just keep everything in my head. If someone forgot their check book, one week, we'd just all remember. But now I have students coming by, 4 days a week. Some for 30 minutes, some for 45. Some on both violin and piano (on scholarship) and others at the regular price. I now take notes because I don't remember who paid what, each week. This morning, I sent out invoices for $200, $210 and $75 with a request that these families pay each week or one month up front. It's otherwise terrible to be chasing after people for their checks. Next year, I need to simply charge by semester or month, upfront.

The longer I run my business, the more it becomes very clear. Stricter policies are better. Of course I can always make exceptions and always do to my detriment. But I shouldn't be offering those exceptions upfront or people just take them. People should ask for them instead.

I am a terrible business person. Very good at saving money and being thrifty, but not so great at making money for myself. But you know, when the breadwinner in the family is about to lose his job in a takeover and your kid's meds may or may not be covered by insurance.... It sort of changes things! Cleaning house and making sure I'm getting paid.

Olivia really gave me a mouthful when she heard what I charge. I've charged the same for the past 9 years. Next year I raise my rates (closer) to the 'going' rate. Yes, just closer, because I am so far away from what I supposedly should be charging, I can't make such a huge leap in one year!

Chips

Hubby at a board meeting down the street. Kids showered and hwk done and playing a half hour of Super Smash Bros. I am sitting 2 feet from fire and I just want to eat potato chips. I have some, hidden in the pantry above my fridge. I ran, today. My dress is arriving on Thursday. I don't need chips. I don't need chips.

I am organizing a special needs dinner for this Friday night. It is work. And then I moved it bc Dot could not get there that early. Then I lost families who couldn't easily come that late with kids. And what now? She writes they can't come. Whaaaaat....? And you didn't even wish me happy birthday, yesterday. And now I have to hear a gazillion reasons why your week is a nightmare and hard. I know. I know. But now I've lost a third of the attendees for no good reason at all! And I postponed leaving to Montreal a night early over hubby's grandma's 100th birthday.

I wrote to hubby. Kids in bed and you better come home now, or I'm opening a bottle of wine. Worse, a huge bag of chips. I did run, today, by the way.

Details

They could not get a standard biopsy, because it was too close to the chest wall. So this is why they are going in. And while this is hopefully just calcification, the fact is she is in infertility treatment and hormones can exacerbate and cause a certain kind of cell to multiply. So you know, this is what's going on.

I haven't been to the doctor in 3 years. I need to find a doctor.

New dojo

Tried a karate class in Mt. Kisco, yesterday. All the kids were younger but about the same size or taller than Belac. I watched for the hour. There were 12 kids and 3 instructors. No yelling or barking. No Music. Very calm, structured and firm. The kids were all remarkably behaved and still, and a few were proactively nice to Belac, feeling compelled to help Belac get equipment or explain what they were doing next. Belac followed along well and received both good one on one and small group instruction. And because they almost always faced mirrors, there was a ton of visual support.

The Owner and Master Instructor is Japanese and the wife, Caucasian and the aunt of Belac's schoolmate. She is nurse by day and instructor by afternoon for the kids. There is no annual contract, financial hooks and impossible requirements, like logging 250 good deeds based on whatever criteria. No one lecturing me on how to parent or how kids are so spoiled these days. They lead by example and not just flexing for all to see. It is a low key, low stress kind of place, but a place where not everyone gets promoted all of the time and decisions are made meaningfully and - from what I can see - real core strength is developed.  I liked what I saw. It's very Japanese style, and there were several Japanese kids in Belac's class. Maybe because it's Japanese, maybe because the Owners have some financial independence, it's not so much a 'business' like all the other places with bells and whistles and shiny billboards.

I think this will be very good for Belac, I told the Owners. I don't have a check with me, but can I give you a credit card? They only dealt in cash. Impressive! I know where to find you, she chuckled, let's get him enrolled and find him a uniform. Do you think he needs a few private lessons to get started? I asked. No, she told me as she compared size 1 and 2 pants against Belac's waist, he will catch on in class. What kind of people deter the opportunity to make more money?

This dojo is our kind of place. Thoughtful, reasonable, understated but strong. I'm hopeful for Belac.

Beyond biopsy

Chatted with Big Sis tonight, who called to wish me happy birthday. At the end of the call, she began "I don't know if little sis told you..." and suddenly I was in hyper focus.

In the end, I told her that I thought she should tell my dad. Look, before I got on a plane, before they got on a plane, I called to wish them a safe trip. I know any chance of dying by plane crash is small, but especially with mom and dad, our relationship has been so strained and... You know, if something happened to me, I'd at least want them to know that I called them before I left and thought of them and there is no question, you know, that I cared. I mean, this is probably nothing, but you know... any time you go under, it's... you know... an opportunity to make things a little better with people. And... I know you don't think it makes a difference with  mom, but you need to tell dad...

Okay, I will call them this week.

I will say nothing but I think you should.

Hopefully it's not I-can't-even-say-it and that's another can of worms. But any time one goes into surgery, there is a risk. It is how my dad's best friend died, over a no big deal surgery that should have been outpatient. That's how my friend's husband died, over a routine surgery to put in a stent. Hopefully it will be nothing, but she should let my parents know. She is not protecting them by not saying anything.

46

What are you doing for your birthday? friend asked, last night. Oh, I don't know, I shrugged, I don't need anything... we just went to Florida! And today I bought an expensive dress for the bar mitzvah. But I did tell the kids I want a hand drawn/written card from each of them...! She gave me a beautiful beaded necklace. A birthday card in which she called me her 'best friend.' Hubby thought we should eat at the local sushi place, tonight. Perfect, what more do I need?

Friend and I had whispered among ourselves in a kitchen corner about daughter upstairs. In the past, she would occasionally have chest pain when anxious. And now it was constant, she told me, it wouldn't go away. I think I need to go to the doctor to get some anti anxiety med, I'm going to the gym twice a week, eating well, trying to sleep, I'm doing everything right.... But I live in fear. When she walks through that door, she brings incredibly bad energy and she is just so mean and irrational. I know she's suffering, but I can't fix her or make her do anything to help herself. You know the other day, when she didn't come out of her room all day? I was so scared. I couldn't bring myself to go up there to knock on her door, she wouldn't respond to texts. When 2nd sister came home, I asked her to knock on the door and when I heard her voice, I was just relieved....

As much as I want Jake to be competitive and assertive, I realize that his sitting next to the adults, joking with us and being comfortable in his own skin, is huge. That he tries and cares about other people's feelings. That he is fairly easy going but also knows to defend himself. These are such valuable assets.

What do I want for my birthday? Everything that can't be guaranteed. Kids who are happy and work hard, kids who find love and develop strong friendships, kids who appreciate the good things and always get up and try and try again. Kids who do. Kids who look on the bright side. All that aside, looking at the present, just today and where we are, we have it good. What more could I ask for?

Happy birthday to me.

sunday

Busy morning, every lesson going late confirming NYSSMA rep, scheduling, and what everyone is playing for performance class. Made an Evite for Belac's bar mitzvah. I sent out 65 invites and will add more later. Anyone that was involved in Belac's development and who has loved him is invited. That's a big list....

After much hemming and hawing, I finally bought my dress online. It's pricey but I couldn't find anything cheaper I liked as much. I then bought a size 10 and 12 blue suit online for Belac, we will keep whichever fits better. I printed out a shoe measurer and Belac chose navy blue suede dress shoes with a fluorescent green sole. We also decided on a striped blue and lime green tie to match. With a bunch of clicks, together at my computer with credit card, our outfits for his bar mitzvah are now "done." Except that I will probably have to get his suit taken in along with Jake's. They are both very skinny even in slim cuts. Jake needs shoes, too, but that's another day. Still, I made another donation to Bernie before turning off my computer.

Both boys got a lot done today and now wanted to know about playing on the wii. You know its my birthday tomorrow, right? And I would love a card.... They dared not to complain and off they both went. Hubby at a board Meeting down the road.

Come for pizza tonight? Kati's hubby just texted. Sure, I replied, we'll be over soon!

Day back

Earlier dropped Belac off at coding class. Jake sat in the parking lot sleeping for the few minutes I ran in. I came right back to have a man standing there looking at him and then lecturing me on how could I leave my baby in the car? He's a highschooler, I said, he's 5'-10" and shrugged. I was defensive but realized, later after driving off, I should have thanked him. After all, he was just worried about my tired, vulnerable kid, whatever his size.

Then arrived to Trader Joe's. I had an armful of vegetables and turned to unload them onto Jake, only to be face to face with a trim, tall, grey haired man. Sorry, I thought you were my son! I'm flattered, he replied. Then I proceeded to put the veggies in someone else's cart. Mom! Jake stopped me, this is not ours! We laughed. Reached into my pocket to check my grocery list on the phone. Ugh! Jake, I pulled out my keys, can you get my phone from the car? I will meet you near the meat. OMG, Mom! Jake laughed.

We've been up since forever. Hubby grilling meat after having had to work, me roasting potatoes shivering in layers. Kids fighting about the laundry and where Belac's beloved hoodie is that should have been in the wash. I have mixed out on the laundry, they know how to do it and need to keep track of their stuff. Belac coming to me, telling me he is stressed out about school on Monday. And I start teaching tomorrow morning at 9am. We are all so going to bed early tonight. All of us at the end of our rope after being up at 4am. 

Heat

We've been home since noon and the house is still cold. Because I had paid attention and asked the plumber a lot of questions, I flushed out our furnace and got it running full blast. The thermostat was at 50 upon our arrival. Even though we've had a fire roaring and the day was warm, we are struggling with how cold the house still is. At least our fridge did not leak all week and ruin our floor!

bernieeee!

Disappointed that Bernie did not beat Hillary in Nevada. Still hopeful, though, because it was never suppose to be neck to neck like it was. I will hold my nose and vote for her only if I am choosing between her and a President Trump, Cruz or Rubio.

The things that Albright and Steinem said dismayed me. Listening to angry Bill frustrates me. Hillary is a hypocrite who will say whatever she feels she needs to say to win. And she is so out of touch. SO OUT OF TOUCH.

Sick

I see NY out my window. We are home.

I am pretty sure my mom has stepped foot into an area of no return. Before last year, I could see her taking one of my sister's kids to the bathroom. Or driving us someplace. But now if together, I'm the one that needs to be at the wheel. We are the ones that need to make plans. She is not reliable.

Last summer, I was in Michigan teaching. My sister had my parents pick up her kids early from daycare and camp so they could spend time with Belac. But instead of everyone staying together and meeting for dinner in a few hours, my dad drove Belac to my sister's house as instructed but my mother drove my sister's kids to her own house, for some reason, 1 hour away. Even though the plan was in 3 hours to eat near my sister's house, even though the girls were being picked up early so they could hang with Belac. My sister and I both emerged from work livid. My sister had to drive an hour there and back in Traffic each way to get her kids after a long day of work. Belac had been bored to tears, hanging with my dad for hours by himself at an empty house, having left a dozen messages on my phone asking when I'd be home. When asked why this happened, my dad simply said that my mom felt more comfortable at home. He had no control of this situation....

In prior years I never believed my mom's ailments. She could barf on command when seeing a flower, choke and behave in very dramatic ways that only got worse if you made it too obvious you didn't believe her. How many restaurants had she left suddenly from or family get togethers that were interrupted all hovered around her, but if you asked her anything, she couldn't explain what meds she was taking, what her condition was, what she was doing to help herself. or hours spent near us pretending to sleep, even in upright position and sitting at the same table at a restaurant. It was always very initially attention grabbing. A cry for help maybe, and a cry for continued attention and help as the causes of her ails were stubbornly allusive and chronic.

But now I see something different. The Same sort of behavior but now a certain blankness in her eyes or childlike awe, like she doesn't know what's going on.  Like a realization that this spiel has now gotten very real. It's one thing to pretend or exaggerate your situation, but that life is falling into place based on the reality you have always wanted everyone to fully appreciate and believe must be something different entirely. 

Not everyone has the ability to be proactive and analytical about their situation, but the lack of this ability in my mom's situation has only made things worse. My sister observed she is now walking and behaving like a 90 year old woman despite being just 68 years old. That she spent an entire week in bed in with, what my mom described as, excruciating pain. And when I called and she picked up, not realizing it was me, she was unwilling and unable to have a normal conversation. She is unable to give or receive kindness or compassion.

I used to think her anger and bitterness would keep her living forever. No longer. She is actually very sick. 

When Breath Becomes Air

Time for home.

Weeped as I fiished When Breath Becomes Air. I had to close the book several times to wipe my eyes. 

I wish it were the kind of thing I could get my mother to read. But I know full well she has neither the attention nor patience to plod through it. The truth is, I have sort of given up on her. Her lens has narrowed so much and she is beyond self reflection and taking personal responsibility. Though I might send the book to my dad, I know that the most important thing is for me to pay attention both for myself and for my own family, my kids and hubby. 

This guy was a living example of what it means to find meaning in your days, how important and vital this opportunity is, all the more so in the face of impending death. 

May we all live our lives so conscientiously. 

FB

My relationship with FB has evolved. Didn't post any pics of us in Florida. Made no mention we were even here. Why should I? Wouldn't it be just showing off? I'm sure there are more who'd wish they were with us or just here than not.

The other night hubby showed me posts from our Oberlin classmate. Her son was being recruited by Harvard and other places. She posted her son's piano recordings. I heard hubby listening to his play Mendelssohn, a piano concerto I had also played as a senior in highschool. And of course, seeing all this brought on hubby's thinking aloud. Are we pushing our kids enough? Are they doing enough?

I rolled my eyes. Let's meet this kid, I'm sure he's great and accomplished, but you know? Let's have a conversation with him and see what he's really like! Maybe he's amazing, maybe he's not, but what appears on FB is but one slice of him.

Not everyone is capable of getting into Harvard. And there are plenty of people who qualify to get into Harvard who don't get in. And there are plenty of successful people who graduated from Harvard, but there are also plenty of others who didn't that are just as successful and happy. I am happy enough for others and their accomplishments to a certain degree. But I also cringe over the narcissistic habits of some at FB who describe their kids' accomplishments as 'we' and 'ours' and as if that is all that matters. Those who pepper their walls with pictures of exotic vacations and other braggy things. Look at me! See how great I am!! What fun I'm having! How amazing my family is!

There is character and goodness of heart. There is something called modesty. Realness. Humor.

I'm proud my kids draw, everyday, and that we have a few minutes, every night for kisses and sweet words. That they will walk to school even in subzero temperatures. I am proud that we have huge savings that allows us to not freak out over hubby's job and Belac's growth hormone. I appreciate that hubby wants to have sex with me almost everyday even though I'm not that fit and am not always so endearing. I am proud of my relationship with my boys and hubby and our family life that is very funny at times, but also tender and respectful. So many things that I could never say on Facebook that matter so much more than anything I could say on Facebook.

I will never delete Facebook for all its good things, but I have definitely evolved. I know the relationship I want with it.

Last day

Amazing funny lazy day with the family. Hubby and I were laughing to tears over pictures the kids drew at the pool. They had a drawing contest and we chose categories that were not concrete, like happy, mad, hurt, fast, sad.... Belac had the best drawings that crazily captured the emotions but Jake had the funniest, most ironic and true captions to his drawings. When home I will post them.

We watched hubby do laps. We all sat in the hot tub together. Back from the pool and now just lazing about. Hubby opened some wine and we will have Mexican tonight and clean up. 4:30am we are up and head to the airport. Great last day!

Insurance

Filled in our doctors info and there was only one company that was in common with all of them that take insurance: Cigna. Oh my god. Then we answered detailed questions. We clicked 'chronic condition' for Belac. We clicked $2000 in monthly medication for him. We clicked that everyone else was in excellent health and required usually just 1 doctor appointment, Belac in very good health with 2-5 visits. We wrote neutral when asked what would happen if we lost income for a few months. We clicked agree that we'd have hardship if we lost income for 12 months. We clicked strongly disagree about our depending on my income. And then chose the amount 'over $10,000' that would cause us financial hardship for a sudden expense. So we are back with Cigna for health insurance, the silver package and not the gold. We will max out HSA at $5500 a year and pay $13,200 annually for health insurance. Our premium is actually less this year than last because we agree to assume more risk. So here we go, again. We were upfront and honest. Hope Cigna insures Belac.

Making the best of things

Yes, the rollaway bed was for Ethan that he never got to use. Yes, we were supposed to have gone mini golfing at the beach, yesterday. Yes, he's leaving tomorrow for home, we probably won't see him until Sunny Patch. I know, it sucks. Mini golf should be tomorrow when you can stand on your feet awhile, and yes, he will have gone home. That's the way it goes, sweetie pie. We have to make the best of things.

Plans

Sent hubby and Jake out for breakfast. I will have a bagel and maybe bring Belac back a fruit cup? I will make coffee. I was glad to later see his text clarifying my order and knowing they had sat down to eat and they weren't just rushing back. I am actually relaxed, sitting in a sunny spot of the screened in porch with Belac laying on the sofa and having had some great food all week and never once having turned on the stove. I can tell hubby is stressed out about this situation with Caleb being sick. It's not like he can't leave the house, he pointed out. Of course we are going to go out, but let's just be smart about it, he still has a fever and he was dizzy before and I found him laying on the floor....

So I've made a plan. We will all go to the beach after they get back for an hour or two. Then have a late lunch at Lemongrass Hot Pot. Then home where Belac rests and Hubby and Jake go play tennis, I'll go for a run. In the evening we go to Tap 42, maybe even hubby and I by ourselves and Jake babysits Belac if his fever subsides, we will see.

Little sis tells me she carries Lysol wipes when they travel. On the plane she wipes down the seats, arms and tray table fully. Her hubby thinks she is insane but she doesn't want the kids getting sick on vacay. I get this now and will do the same.

Up

At midnight, Belac called for me and told me he didn't know what was happening to him. That Mariokart was doing something every time he slept. I reassured him that it was just a dream and that his mind was a little mixed up because he was sick. What if I laid wih him until he fell asleep? I had dragged the roll away bed out earlier and laid down. This was terrible! There was a lengthwise valley I was being cradled in.

Of course I felt so uncomfortable. And at this hour it's no good to let your mind wander. But it did. I looked over at Jake. I shouldn't have let him continue sleeping in the same room with Belac after he came down with a fever. God, I hope Jake doesn't come down with this. And then I Realized I had to send the evites out for Belac's bar mitzvah. And my itchy head, I hope it's not lice. I noticed my Friday student was scratching his head a lot and it briefly crossed my mind he might have lice... And now I was noticing this rash on my stomach had spread to my back. Am I going to discover that I can suddenly not tolerate foreign shampoos and soaps? And I was so, so thirsty and kept drinking water. Dinner must have had so much salt... Should I have mentioned in the contract I just okayed today that hubby is coming with me? And I forgot to lay a towel in front of the refrigerator at home. What if it leaks again? Will we find a ruined floor when we get home?

So here I am back in bed with hubby. Itchy head, itchy stomach, unquenchable thirst. Willing myself to sleep and hoping Belac sleeps through this night.

Good

Hubby and Jake came home bearing delicious food gifts. Hubby admitted to feeling so much better having eaten, realizing at dinner he had last eaten a 2 egg omelette before burning thousands of calories during the day. He had swam a mile and run 5 miles and played an hour of tennis with Jake.... Belac, Jake exclaimed, Let's watch whatever Futurama episode you want! Hubby and I tried to log onto the health insurance elections again to no avail. We sipped wine and bonded over duo lingo. We will try tomorrow. Belac in bed, everyone else on their way. Everything good. It's good.

Found a thermometer. It read 102 degrees but he is looking much better after having come out of a lukewarm bath and in fresh clean clothes. He is with iPad, water and munching on Doritos on the couch. It's what he wanted and it's what he got. Meanwhile, I just opened a bottle and poured myself a glass of wine. Things are fine and I think (hope) he's on the mend.

Sweets

Sweaty Belac in another lukewarm bubble bath. He seems comfy and happy enough. Hubby and I tried to log onto his company's website for health insurance elections. He couldn't successfully log on. I could feel his blood pressure rising. If I don't get on to select our options by Friday, I will be renewed as a smoker... Really?? Yup, that's the way it works. And why are we changing companies anyway? He was clearly getting worked up. We are going to change an insurance for another that probably won't cover Belac anyway?!

As long as we are with Blue Cross, we will be out 25K a year. So what's the harm in trying...? If one of us gets cancer or has to be hospitalized, we still get coverage by another reputable insurance company. But right now, our biggest expense is Belac's growth hormone. Maybe we could go back to Cigna, maybe Aetna, something else...! They might not cover it but it's worth trying. As long as we go with what we have, we don't get coverage for Belac so why should we stay with it...?

He didn't want to drive to Mississippi Sweets 20 min there and back. Let's just order in someplace closer. Hubby, I said as nicely and easily as I could, knowing he wasn't thinking straight. No one is happy Belac is sick, but everyone should not be stuck at home. Go with Jacob, get a table, enjoy yourselves. He loves his time with you, you guys have a great time! Jacob is going to remember all this time he had with just you, today, at the pool, playing tennis, ping pong, eating ice cream and playing games.... You'll get a table fast with just 2 of you. Eat, have a good time, order something delicious and just bring us something home. Go and we will figure this other stuff out. Human resources is closed now, so we can't do anything. We will call them in the morning if we still have problems.

If I were out, I'd worry about Belac the whole time. I'm content to be home and plus, hubby needs this vacay much more than me. And so off they go.

Vigil

Slipped out to take a shower.

Mom??!

Yes...?

Where are you?

I need a shower. I just took a run. Do you need me? Yes. Can daddy sit with you so I can shower? Okay. Mom? Yes? I felt better after my bubble bath. I think I should have another bath. Okay, after my shower, okay?

I heard hubby smooch Belac. I love you! I heard hubby say. Thanks Dad, I heard Belac's sweet little reply.

I love my boys so much. They are good kids to the core.

Sleep baby!

Jogged 2-1/2 miles around the block and feel better. I was starting to get cabin fever. Came home to find hubby had brought Belac from the porch into the darkened bedroom. His fever has spiked, the ibuprofen has worn off. I went to get a wet rag to put on his head and some ginger ale for him to sip.

Mom, he weeped, I'm trying to get better, I'm just worried that I will be sick the whole time. Sweetie pie, I asked, can we try something? Let's just let the fever happen, can we do that? It will feel worse now, but it will be better if I don't give you another ibuprofen. Can we try that? Okay, but why do I have a fever? Because your body is fighting an infection, so let's let your body fight it, okay? But if you feel like you really can't stand it, tell me and I will give you another pill.

Oh no, Mom!!!! he startled awake just as he was calm again, I was in a public place and I forgot to shower!!

You sat outside in a chair and ate ice cream. you didn't swim or use the bathroom. It's okay, you barely touched anything, don't worry!

Please sleep!

Now

Belac and I walked the half mile to the clubhouse to join Jake and hubby. He told me he felt much better, the ibuprofen had brought his temperature down. We watched them play ping pong and I got Belac an ice cream that he only nibbled at. We all played a card game called Set. Jake won 14 to Belac's 5 and hubby's 5, first round. I had been dealer. Mom, Belac said in our second round, I don't feel good anymore.  We were sitting in the shade and his teeth were chattering.

Ugh, I thought, I didn't bring the car and he'd have to walk fully exposed in the sunshine. Okay, let's walk home, we will go slowly, okay? I can give you a piggy back ride, I heard Jake offer tenderly. Hubby postponed his swim even though we all thought we'd be okay. And together we began walking, Belac holding each hubby and my hands with Jake's arm around hubby's shoulder. Hubby, after the tunnel go back and swim, I told him, we will be fine.

After the tunnel, Jake wanted Belac on his shoulders. No! I told him, he's too heavy. Mom! I carried kids like that at camp who were MUCH heavier than Belac! But Jake obliged and hoisted Belac on his back, however Belac was too weak to not be hanging onto Jake's neck for dear life instead of using his elbows. Hubby intercepted and put Belac on his shoulders and carried him all the way home.

So did you guys play tennis? I asked as we walked, who won? Jake did, hubby said, 3 out of 3. Wait, 3 out of 3??! Yup. What was dad's problem? I asked Jake. Well, he played like he was playing ping pong, some of his balls wouldn't go over the net, and he chuckled, I noticed he only used one arm in his back swing! Still, you beat him? Well, he's better than some of the kids in my class....

Now home and Belac is back laying on the sun porch, me forcing Jake to shower after being in the pool (Great mom, he sighed heavily, you're becoming a germaphobe!) and hubby jogging back to swim laps.

Yesterday, Dot told me that she thought Belac should go to sleep away camp, he's too dependent on you. While he's sick is not the time to discuss that with me, but Dot and I are very different and her daughter and Belac are very different. I am very patient and a good listener. And Belac, well, he is very motivated to try to understand things.  I think it's important that I am able to give Belac encouragement and support in the way that he needs and wants. He is confused and anxious about his life and talks to me daily. Yes, I want and need him to be independent but he is also just 13 years old. Do I need some stranger answering his questions about sexuality? Or more likely he just wouldn't ask and remain confused. Shipping him off someplace to get tough, you know there is a time and a place  for that and maybe not now when he has suddenly opened up so much and is so emotionally available - for the first time -  to figuring out things. Should that person be me? Maybe not when he is 42 years old but he's just 13. Better me than no one and better now than later.

Wake up call

There were red flags flying at the beach. We headed on over to Dot's pool. Kids frolicked. Belac in the pool not 2 minutes before coming out, teeth chattering. Where are you going? Ethan asked, oblivious. You could see every shape of his bone and his lips were purple. He looked utterly emaciated. Mom, he told me as I wiped him down and suggested he lay in the sun with me, I'm worried I can't stay in the pool. Does he look... sickly to you? I asked Dot under my breath, later. She nodded. And to think that Blue Cross Blue Shield thinks nothing is wrong that they'd deny his treatment?

We had bought a bag of cheap balls and toys at the local CVS. Cmon, hubby told Belac, let's go throw around a ball, okay?

By dinner a few hours later, Belac came to me from his side of the table. mom, I feel like something is happening to me...I pulled him onto my lap. We were all showered and presentable for this dinner we had anticipated with Dot's family for weeks. He was hot. I put his head onto my shoulder and held him like a baby. Awwww you're getting sick, you have a fever... Here, sip my water. Mom, he told me after a few minutes of quiet, I'm worried I'm dying.

I had to lay with him for an hour last night. He felt pressure every time he closed his eyes. I'm worried I might be dying, he told me again. This morning he was better and then it got worse. Now he is laying on the sun porch. mom, he told me, I need you next to me. And so here I am, pulled up in a chair next to this couch.

We all had breakfast near him and talked about when we all had showered and changed. Belac definitely did not get this from the plane. Though it was after midnight when we got in and I hadn't made the kids shower, everyone had stripped out of their travel clothes before bed and washed their face and hands and brushed their teeth. They both showered in the morning. However, after the Lion Country, I had not made sure both boys had showered after being in a public place, especially bad since Belac - and not Jake - had gone down the water slide. I also had not thought of carrying hand sanitizer with me.

Belac is not prone to sickness but then again, rarely go to highly populated, high traffic areas. he is the one that is more medically fragile than the rest of us, and this is a reminder for me to pay better attention and precautions. He's now in a bubble bath with me sitting out side the door after his having weeped when I shooed hubby and Jake out the door to go play tennis and do anything in the sunshine. Being sick on vacation sucks.

ins Bett

We had hours to waste at the airport and hubby was busy with Duolingo learning Italian. Then getting assessed in French, out of curiosity, which he speaks fluently, and then German, which he speaks a little less fluently. German is what we often speak when we have things to say privately to each other in mixed company or in front of the kids. He showed me how to use the app and I assessed myself in German. I was 30 percent fluent! In those hours, I got myself hooked.

Last night as hubby and I lay in bed. He suggested I add French. After all, Gimky, learning French is ultimately more practical for you so you don't need to rely on me so much. I had some years of French in school, have obviously been exposed in all of our trips to hubby's home in Quebec, and occassionally quiz Jake in basically second year French.... But I almost never speak French and don't even bother trying. And what do you know? Hubby leaned over my shoulder and watched me get assessed, both of us laughing our heads off as I mixed French and German together - my brain was confused - and me begging him for the occasional word. But what makes no sense? He really didn't help me much and I was declared 61 percent fluent in French by this app!

Hubby now opened up his app. This was a full-fledged competition of points now. I am way behind him in German but not that far behind in French, making so sense at all. We cuddled up and Duolingo-ed together, my leg curled up around his. It's getting late, hubby finally noticed, let's go to bed, he got up to turn off the light. Ich verstehe gar nicht, I told him, du sollst irgendwas ausser Englisch sprechen. Und wen du etwas machen mit mir willst, auch nicht in Englisch! He laughed his funny, back of the throat, uncontrollable laugh as he headed back to me uttering something unintelligible in Italian. He could be itemizing things in his suitcase, for all I knew! By the way, if you're going to speak German we might as well fix the grammar in what you just said! he told me in English. I pushed him away, feigning indignance. We are definitely geeks.

Call

We are ridiculously early for our flight. called my dad. Without saying so, I could hear he was beyond sad. I've never heard him so sad. He told me Tami always called him on New Years Eve, how he didn't this time. And that he had died on New Year's Day. So they didn't want to announce it right away, and then his other brother died just of days later as they began informing people....  Briefly he brought up my mom's brother and how 'sick' it made him. Dad, try not to think about it, I told him gently, try to let it go.

I told him I'd call him again before he left for Taiwan. I texted my sisters, Dad is sad. please call him.

Packing up

Came down to a million dishes and glasses. The kids had friends over, last night. Belac invited two, Jake invited Alex, and I texted Kiki and Robin, who we hadn't seen in ages, we are with a house full of kids, want to come over for burgers? 

A few lessons this morning, some last minute packing and we are off to Florida. I bought bargain basement tickets with Spirit Air. You never deal with a live person until the gate and everything is a la carte, I bought the right for our family to bring on 2 pieces of carry on luggage at $160 round trip, but we are flying on the very cheap and it's totally worth it if everything goes smoothly. 

I wondered how they'd feel if they knew what I suspected. That their son is in a relationship with our friend's son around the corner. I once caught them in a full frontal hug..... And now I heard that the boys are together on a week end ski trip to the Catskills. I personally would have no problems with my kids being gay as long as they found good relationships, and most people I know are fine with homosexuality, but when it is your own kid? I think it can be something to get accustomed to, something that might take some time accepting. And here they were talking to me about how their kid is about to get  speech services for an impediment, but you know, they were quick to add, he''s getting a 95 average in school....  What was there to be ashamed about with speech therapy? They thought I needed reassuring, of all people, that their kid is exceptional or just fine in other ways? I think finding out their son is gay, progressive as they are, will be somewhat of a hurdle. 

And now there is 5

For 75 years, 3/4 of a century, they were a family of 4 girls and 3 boys. Until the beginning of this very week, there were 7 of them. Today, suddenly, they are 4 girls and 1 boy.

Tami fell and died of his injuries and an infection. Ming, we don't know yet. My Boston cousin asked, was he sick? We don't know. He was the one I at one point asked my dad about after Belac was born. He was so quiet and distant, I never once exchanged a word with him and maybe saw him just once, but knew he did have wife and kids. My dad told me that his brother had really struggled in school, and that his mom always had tutors for him. At one point he even lived with the headmaster of the school, who tried to teach him. I did not dare ask my dad if his brother could be on the spectrum, I just wanted whatever unadulterated memories he could provide.

My dad became a medical doctor and attended a very competitive medical school before moving to the US. Tami was a dentist in Taichung and I think had had multiple wives and the eldest brother, the one that was supposed to lead the family and make certain decisions as the eldest son, worked at a grocery store and did anything but. Even from the US my dad was needing to make decisions, everyone turned to him. He split his parents' estate 7 ways, fair and square, even when it was supposed to be just among the boys. There really wasn't much to begin with, the house he grew up in remains unsold and animal infested.... And I know he was asked to help resolve some disputes among the siblings. My dad really did become the leader in his family and was, my mom told me before when I was young, his mother's favorite kid, if there can be such thing.

And so off to Taiwan they go. I always thought no one would die before 90. The eldest girl and sibling is not 90 yet, and so just assumed I have all this time left with my dad. Well, I don't necessarily. We have had such a rocky time these past months, with everything going on with my mom. I need to box those interactions and contain them, tread lightly on certain matters that are not going away, do everything I can to take care that my mom's situation does not infect everything that has always been so great between my dad and me.

another

My mom just group texted saying: I don't know what to say... Just heard dad's eldest brother die 2/10.

Um.!Is this for real? I asked sisters.

Both brothers died within days of each other?

I don't like this one bit. Texting my Boston cousin.

Did you get my mom's texts? Apparently 2 brothers died, our uncles.

Fb

Because hubby is my mom's 'friend' I was able to see, tonight, that she announced my father's brother's death on Facebook. And that someone had noted that my mom had personally texted her at 3am about this. Ugh. This is my mom for you right now. And that my mom - thankfully - had apologized for this behavior, directly on her wall. And that my next door neighbor, who I have not had a conversation with in at least a year, maybe two or three, sent her condolences and knew about any of this before me.

That is fucked up Facebook for you. People who are 'friends' who are not at all friends, who supposedly care? They replace her kids, none of whom she befriends and in fact, Unfriended? And she is good with that? Feels good about that? Being liked and noticed by people who know not one God damn thing about her? But she feels loved by her friends and that is enough, like they really give a shit? Their 'condolences'! What facebook fantasy! It is FUCKED UP. 

Friday!

My curry is simmering and I have rice in the cooker. Hubby picking up Belac from his beloved film class, Jake setting the table. It's Friday! And I don't have to work tonight. Both boys have no homework this February break, which for them begins tonight. I kept up with the laundry and the house looks reasonably in order. Everything good. We leave for Boca Raton, Florida on Sunday! Only worrisome thing is that my Greenwich school hasn't paid me for 11 weeks of classes, that's 33 classes, and I wonder if they are having financial problems. I will have to resolve this after the break. Still, TGIF!

harry

Ran into Harry at Walgreen's. He is a 20 year old autistic boy who attended our last snap service. He was stocking juice with a training aide at his side. And that is how I got into a conversation with his mom, arriving to pick him up. He works 2 days a week at the library, 1 day a week making boxes at Henckels and 1 day at Walgreens.

We talked about Carrie, Harry's peer. The mom told me the parents don't take her anywhere. That she is always at home. And that she had recently heard the girl was in day hab, where she had learned all sorts of terrible behaviors. She told me that they used to belong to another synagogue that had special services, but the family never brought her. Imagine, Gimky, her sister had a bat mitzvah and they left Carrie home, God forbid she'd ruin her sister's day. So instead of accommodating her and trying to incorporate her into their life or make some place for her or make some sort of community, they are now in this situation where she is 21, aged out, and she hasn't had much exposure to the outside world at all....

I can't judge. Belac is very high functioning and flies under the radar, these kids have limited speech and vocal ticks. Our situations are not the same. Still I have to admire this mom. Loud and proud, thoughtful, out and about everywhere with her son. It's impressive.

Italy

Hubby put in vacay time for my Italy trip. My parents, my dad, offered to come 10 days to be with Belac. I will hire additional help. And before we go, our will, a trust for the kids and a special needs trust for Belac need to be in order.

Is it crazy? I am insisting that hubby and I fly separately. I know that statistics don't support me, but if we are leaving the country without the kids, this is the way I want it.

ASL

Gimky! a woman called out of a minivan and slowed down. I was walking the dog.

She told me about the acting class her son is in and how it has helped so much. I told her about the computer programming class Belac just began. We quickly exchanged notes. Her son is high functioning on the spectrum as well.

By the way, I told her, I found out from one of my student's parents, that Ossining school district added ASL as a foreign language to help kids with language based disabilities graduate with a Regents diploma.You don't think Belac will take a foreign language? she was surprised, unlike David, he's in all neurotypical classes. Maybe, I said, but I see what they have to do to succeed in the core classes and need to prevent him from drowning. He's very visual and could learn ASL, and maybe this would help David, too...?

Okay, she said, of course I am with you! If you're meeting with the highschool over this, sign me up! Use my name with yours!

Will do.

snap

Dear Lorry and Jeri,

Thank you for this sweet note. I just want you to know that I'm hoping we can create a safe, wonderful and supportive place for ourselves and our children within the Sunny Patch community. It touches me to know a little of your daughter's struggles and the enormous responsibility it means for you, the parents.  I thank you for sharing your story with me.

Jerry, you were our president and supported us and gave so much to us. This community should also support you and your family. 

We are a small community at Sunny Patch Synagogue, and yet our special needs community within it is pretty substantial. I think we should be there for each other and that is my goal: to help give our community opportunities to know each other and be together.

If there is anything I can do, please let me know!  And you should know that Carrie and the entire family is always welcome at SNAP. The families so far are just so lovely and understanding and all in the thick of struggling with our own things. One of the boys who has been attending, for example, non-verbal and autistic, went from being in the back row with his trains, beginning of last year, to sitting in the front row and bringing pictures to the felt board by year end. We all rejoiced! So whenever she is ready, you are ready, and feel so inclined, just know SNAP is for you and all of us, and all are welcome.

All the best and wishing nothing but the best for Carrie, and recognizing how lucky also she is to have such devoted parents!

Gimky

Bernie

Belac's work in progress: designing an arm for his paper robot

Tuned in for 30 minutes of the debate, last night. Hillary Clinton was better than usual, but Bernie Sanders is absolutely the more principled, consistent, and substantial candidate. Unlike Hillary, he doesn't try to cater to everyone. He is not a politician and his candidacy is not about him. He has a vision!

I gave another 27 dollars to him. I've probably given him 300 dollars by now. I believe in his ability to lead our country in a better direction. Some CT friends are dismayed we support Bernie. After all, hubby and I are well to do and he works for corporate America. We're supposed to be Republican or at the very least, Clinton supporters.

Hubby and I were lucky to get the education we did and to have the opportunities we did. We were lucky it worked out this way. We're okay and will likely be okay. But my kids. We don't have generations of wealth and trust funds or important connections to rely on. What about my kids? Who do I think is really listening to me? Who  - of all the people up there - is going to make sure that their future will truly be more stable in terms of giving the common people easier access to higher education and healthcare?

For me the answer is clear.

12 degrees

Mom, can you give us a ride?

Bundle up Jake!

But can you give us a ride?

Jake, we are not even a half a mile away. The streets are clogged enough as it is. If you jog there, it will take just a few minutes, the same amount of time it will take to drive. Plus you have all your warm clothes for this very reason....

Please?

No, Jacob. Go fast, and you'll be fine!

Sometimes hubby drives the kids in winter. If they all leave at 7:35, he can drop the kids off at school and continue to work in time. But there are many days that he leaves much earlier, and the kids just simply have to walk. It's their exercise and the lifestyle we signed up for. The last thing the kids need is to be regularly chauffeured to school and coddled, anymore than they already are.

Belac was off without one complaint, dressed in layers, heavy winter jacket and mittens. I'm so proud of this little dude, who really has his morning routine down pat. Walk fast and you'll be warmer, I told him. Jake was forced to put on a winter jacket and I said not a word when I saw him put on hubby's warm winter boots. If that makes walking to school more endurable, that's fine with me.

Tami

My dad's brother, Tami, died. There were 7 siblings in all. His brother is the first to pass. I think he was the 4th oldest sibling, my dad is 6th at age 78. My grandfather was 95 and was very lucid when I saw him last at age 93. I always as a result believed my dad would follow in his dad's footsteps, but now realize there are no guarantees.

I read the group chat. my parents, my cousin in Boston and his mom, my Aunt Midori... They are all headed to Taiwan.

privilege

Belac and I sat on the floor talking in front of the fire. He asked if I thought he and Jake would be able to play on the WiiU, tonight.  We discussed what he needed to do before then. Not just Hebrew School, but math homework, 20 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes of Bar Mitzvah study. Did he think he could do it all? He'd try.

Jake home earlier than usual, now that winter track is finished. He told me he needed to register for classes. The electives? Yes. He showed me the list and the instructions to log in. Computer Principles, he had numbered 1 and then Drawing, I saw, was his 2nd choice. Is it one or the other? I hope not, he told me, because I really want the drawing class, too. Health was required in 10th grade, he noted, and he chose a specific PE class. Mom, I also have to speak to the Math teacher, because I think I can handle Advanced Geometry. Really? Do you qualify? Sort of, I think so. I have to talk to her. Well, good for you! Do you want to ask the Guidance Counselor to help you talk to her? No, I've got it, he told me and was off.

He's now learning to program in Java and working on something. I think it's great, though I am going to have to remind him to start his homework eventually. Recently, he decided he wanted to program seriously and had been pestering hubby about it. Hubby helped him figure out what language to start with, set him up with a compiler and every night, now, helps Jake conceptually with what he's doing. It's amazing to see this motivation emerge. And that he's going to advocate for himself regarding the advanced math because it's something he wants? A huge development! And to think hubby and I had nothing to do with his going for it. I am so proud of this kid.

It's a privilege to be with my boys after school. I appreciate every moment.

dress

On the way home from class, I stopped at the mall and tried on this dress. I had been looking at it online and thought it would be a good dress for Belac's bar mitzvah. Of course, I'd add some spanx. Thinking it over....

donation

Gimky,

I hope you are well and getting excited for the Community Service Award Ceremony.  

I wanted to let you know that we received a very generous donation in your honor from Dr. and Mrs. Chang. I assume you have the address but just in case:

See you soon.Organizer

I am pretty surprised, impressed and touched that my parents thought to do that. I only sent them an invite to keep them in the loop, in the way I send them concert programs and invitations. I did not expect them to come, nor donate money. It's very sweet of them, although I have to admit I was a little alarmed: what is the dollar amount that could be described as 'very' generous...? I just hope the organizers were being exceptionally appreciative in their language. I hope my parents, whoever wrote the check, exercised good judgment.

walking the dog

We had been out with Belac, discussing details of his bar mitzvah party with the local club. I had asked Jake, at home, to walk the dog. Did you walk the dog? I asked when I returned. Yes. Did he poop? No, he told me, I don't know why. Okay, good.

The dog was bothering us all through dinner and begging. Jake, did you walk him? I asked, again, not understanding why the dog was so hyper. Yes, I did, he answered and added, around the block.

Still later, in front of the fire, the dog kept coming to me and scratching my leg. No amount of putting him outside tied to the leash was helping. And so what did I do? I asked hubby to log onto our alarm system. He was surprised at what I wanted to check, but I needed to know. Every time a door opens to the outside, a camera records entry and exit. 

And there we saw it. At 6:19 you saw me and Belac leaving. Then at 7:09 you saw all 3 of us entering and being greeted by Jake. There was no recording in between those times. Are you sure the door to the garage sets off the camera? Maybe he came in through the garage, hubby proposed. I went into the family room and opened the door. Did it record me? Yes, it did.

I asked Jake to come to the mudroom. Did you walk the dog? Yes, I did, he told me. Okay. So which door did you use? He pointed at the door in the mudroom. I noticed the leash, hanging nicely where I had left it. How come our alarm system didn't show you left the house? A look of utter shock and guilt crossed his face. I'm so sorry, mom! I'll walk him now.

Hubby refused and went out instead. We were dismayed and furious that he only told the truth when caught. Jake was sent to bed early. Belac came to me crying over Jake, saying he felt so bad for him and hated that we were ending the day this way. He sat on my lap in front of the fire. I was quiet, silently fuming. 20 minutes later Jake asked me to come up and kiss him good night. He was upstairs bawling, in the dark and in bed.

We discussed what happened. All the obvious things. About how the right thing is to just say I forgot or didn't feel like it than to lie. I'm a liar! Jake wailed, I'm such an idiot! Well, I hope not and I don't think so, do you really think so? And you're never going to trust me again, and on and on we talked through it.... And then the conversation turned to dad. He didn't think hubby was going to hug him good night. This made me pause, why would he think hubby would reject him? And just earlier, Belac was afraid I'd "leave with dad" and he wouldn't know what to do. When had hubby or I ever abandoned our children or even hinted the slightest thing? Jake! you know what daddy said downstairs to Belac? That you are both good boys and everyone makes mistakes.  Did you not think I was going to come up to hug you, even if you didn't ask? Well, not soon enough, he replied.

I stood silently in front of hubby, now home from walking the dog and playing chess with Belac, pointed upstairs and motioned a hug. Come on Belac, I said loudly, I will tuck you into bed. Hubby went upstairs and into Jake's room. I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but I did hear Jake say 'thanks, dad.' And then I hurried Belac out of the bathroom before hubby could leave Jake's dark bedroom. It's time for a family hug!! I exclaimed, and pulled Belac into Jake's room. Jake? Belac said, approaching his bed, I feel bad for you. I sat and pulled Jake up to a sitting position, put my arm around him, Belac huddled next to him with arm around Jake and hubby crouched down and we all hugged messily and tightly as I kissed everyone's heads audibly, over and over.  Jake continued to sob quietly even as everyone else had left, not letting go.

He is a good kid.