advice

Dad and I came from big families, but I want you to know that 2 boys was plenty and perfect for us. And not because either of you were handfuls, necessarily, but because it has been more or less manageable, in terms of time, energy and money. And this, coming from a family who benefits from mostly Dad's reliable income and my time and patience and penny pinching. Any more kids or more work for me, and we would have had to introduce a 3rd party to help out. We are lucky it worked out this way.

Here is a picture of the two of you doing homework. After my teaching a couple of lessons, Belac's art class, and Jake's 2 hour cross country practice, this is Jake studying at his desk in the dining room and Belac working at the island as I cook and bake, while Dad is finishing up work and soon heading home for the night. 

There's no other 'work' that's more important to me or place I'd rather be than with you guys.

xx Mom

friends

Olivia and I had lunch. Somehow we got onto a subject and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she was getting something off her chest. Something, she explained, she had told noone. I recognized that face. Earlier in the summer, she had spoken to me about some vague thing, but I hadn't really understood. And now, speaking more frankly and openly, I clearly surprised her by telling her my own something in return.  Even in this semi macabre state, a mutual understanding of a silent suffering, we were laughing and I was even crying with laughter at some point, listening to Olivia outrageously poke fun at herself.

Friends are everything. Maybe I would have had an easier time if I had had someone to talk to, years ago. I sensed Olivia's relief to be able to talk this over, and felt her taking in my every word as I told her things would be okay, that she was amazing and fine, and that things would really be okay!

The other night, we were watching the eclipse, and our neighbor invited us up to her driveway. Our house sits much lower than hers and probably the view was better from up there, and I think she just really wanted us to join them. But hubby and I really weren't inclined to be chatty and neighborly at the cul-de-sac. It can be a lot of effort to be with people you aren't good friends with. I just wanted to be with my family, all of us bundled up in hoodies and together, silent if we wanted to be, with just a little candle lantern on our front step.

It's important to know who you can trust. I had never spoken to anyone about my thing and I guess it was my own secret. In retrospect, I'm not sure it helped me to bring my own experience to light, and in the moment, only felt compelled to share because I knew it would help Olivia. And for this particular disclosure, only because I know she is one of very, very few capable, thoughtful to the core people I could trust with my honor and life. I don't worry that she thinks differently of me, the day after our lunch, or what she will do with something so deeply personal I told her. Obviously, she is a true friend. An unlikely and beautiful friendship - to say the least - that began over a cryptic Hosokawa piece of all things! An appropriate choice, come to think of it.

following up

recent birthday card for a friend

Dear Gimky, just tried to call you. I showed this letter to Mr. Science and he said to contact him. He is the one that assigns cabins/groups/tables. I will be on the trip during the day and will check in with Belac. (I won't make it obvious.) Thanks, Mrs. Teacher

*******************

My heart sank a little reading this. Did Mr. Science not know previously of this request through the Guidance Counselor? Why hadn't anyone else told me he was in charge? Was he going to give me the rigmarole? Pester me for details?  I knew I had to write, right away, before assignments were sent out.

*******************

Dear Mr. Science,
Hope you are well and thank you so much for organizing the Environmental trip!

I had spoken to Mrs. Guidance, earlier this year, and reminded her that Belac has had problems with another child in the grade. We want to request that they not be in the same cabin together.

If this could be accommodated, we would really appreciate it. Belac is looking forward to the trip, but a bit nervous about being away for the first time. If he could be placed with a friend, that would be ideal.

Thank you for your help and everything you do. If you need to be in touch, please feel free to call me on my cell.

Gimky

*****************

We are all set =)

No problem. The cabins should be going out tomorrow - Let me know if everything is ok. =)

Mr. Science

*****************

Thank you so much! You are the best.

All is okay. It's navigating the middle school social scene that can be hard for Belac, and also learning that a few good friends who accept you for who you are is amazing and wonderful and good enough.

Thanks, again!

Gimky

*****************

Okay, phew! Everyday he weeps a little about the trip. "Mom, I'm worried about the trip. Are you sure I have to go?" He has suggested my coming to pick him up every night, or coming just to give him his shot. Even googled how far the camp is from the house. He tells me that he is nervous about being away from me and worried about missing me. What will he do? Someone else is not going on the trip, he counters.

I spoke with the nurse, who will give him his shot every night. She knows Belac well, and has purposefully scheduled his shot last in the evening, just in case he needs a little more encouragement before bed time. Of course I'm not letting him stay home and gently pushing him out the door and trying to get him to recognize how fun this trip could be. I've done everything I could from my end and believe the teachers will keep an eye on him. I am especially relieved, though, to now have confirmation that this boy will not be near him at night, nor first thing in the morning and night.

For the sake of Belac, I have learned to become more forthcoming with others. And I always, always follow up and make sure.

bad kid

On Friday, Belac came home teary-eyed and confused. Casper was ignoring his presence again. We sat down and I was very frank. I made him look at me in the eye and spoke steadily. He is not a good friend, Belac, and as far as I am concerned, I don't want you trying to be his friend, okay? He has a history of ignoring you. A history of making you do things you don't want. A history of making fun of you in front of other people. He is not nice to you. You can be friendly, but you don't need to be his friend, there is a difference. Do you understand? He is bad news for you.

The tears stopped. I could see he needed to be explained that the problem was Casper's, not his.

Mom, I need to warn Flower not to go out with him, because she will turn into a bad person!

I looked at him with an expression of utter surprise. They like each other? was all I could say.

He doesn't deserve to be with the smartest girl, he explained, she is too good for him!

Well, Belac, you cannot exactly tell Flower who she can and cannot be with, it doesn't work that way.... but you can stick up for her and your friends when they aren't being treated well.

I did tell the parents of Belac's 3 closest friends about what happened, last year. It was more a warning that kids need to be supervised properly, even when they are right under your very nose. But what is my responsibility to others I don't know as well? I can't exactly be telling the whole town about a situation that cannot be proven in the court of law....

On Saturday, the next day, Belac's phone was dinging off the hook. He first thought it was Ethan, but it wasn't. At least 50 texts in succession. MOM! This is so annoying! I'm going to turn off my phone! (Good idea.) Should I block him?? (Hm.... That wouldn't be such a bad idea, I didn't say.) Then 20 minutes later, Casper called me on my cell phone. How did he have my number? Hi Gimky, I was shocked to hear his voice from that same unrecognizable number which was - I now realized - his, is Belac home? I had just been handed a golden opportunity to take control of this situation but the audacity of this phone call rendered me speechless. Belac was home, but was about to leave for a birthday party. He just left the house, I said, not offering more. There was an awkward long silence. Maybe you'll talk some other time, I said, before saying good bye.

The kid is dangerous. Manipulative and bold. Even though he's only 12, he's a predator. He has identified my kid as someone he can toy with and take advantage of and DID. But not over my dead body will I allow this, knowing what I know now. Of course, there's only so much I can do to control access to Belac by the Caspers in this world. It is my mission to make sure Belac learns to love, respect and protect himself. Corny as it sounds, it's true. His best line of defense begins with himself and knowing that he's worthy of true love and respect. Belac will need to recognize who treats him with a certain level of dignity, and learn to protect himself from the rest. It's the most important thing I can help him learn.

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for a great back to school night and hope everything is going well!

I just wanted to touch base about the environmental trip. I put in a request with the Guidance Counselor to make sure that Belac is not put in a group with a certain boy. She has been wonderful and so attentive to Belac over the years! However, because Belac has just recently, again, begun to have some problems with the same boy, I was wondering if you could just make sure for us that he is not assigned a cabin with this child. His name is Casper. He has a history of being mean to Belac, ignoring his presence and causing Belac to become anxious and upset. Also, he has a certain influence over Belac in other negative ways. It is in everyone's best interest if they aren't assigned into a group together.

Belac does feel very close and secure with A, B, C, and D, and so if it's possible for him to be in a bunk with any one of them, that would be so ideal! He is a little anxious about the trip, so being with someone familiar would really help him. 

Thank you so much!

Gimky

kids in school

Permission granted. What will they find and advise? 

Actively studied Math with Belac for almost 2 hours. He solved all of the odd questions in each of the 5 units of Chapter 1. He was totally motivated and wanted it. He is ready for his first Math test, tomorrow, in this neuro-typical class with no supports. I think he will do fine! Last week, he forgot to study for the Algebra quiz and earned a solid 85/100, anyway. I think this class is a great fit for him and provides the challenge he needs.

Jake got home after cross country practice and got to work. Oh, by the way, he told me, I found out I ran 21:17 at Friday's meet. What? Really? And with that, he surpassed hubby's personal best 5K of 21:53. It's what happens when you practice, you get better! 5-6 times a week he runs and on the 7th day, there is Tennis. The physical exercise organizes him and makes him feel good and is just the best thing for him. He also studied quite a bit, too. When prompted to "prove" to me that he did all his work, he realized he had something else to do and an extra credit he could do in French. We have all learned. Then found him on the parent portal looking at his grades.  All homework completed on time, first quizzes and graded work 87-93 percents, but Band at 78. UGH! he cried. Why, he didn't know. Well, just go find out about that, I told him and shrugged, ask him tomorrow. It's early in the semester and you can fix it.

Kids were allowed 45 minutes on Minecraft to end the day.

My kids are learning and I'm so grateful. They are also hard workers who want to do the right thing and I am so proud!

day in the life

We have mastered the fast family breakfast. I arrive downstairs first and pull out leftovers from the fridge. Everyone helps themselves as I pack lunches and make coffee. Belac makes his own ramen in the microwave and knows to throw in some goodies. This morning I made fried rice for lunch, and that became breakfast, too.  Success!

Very happy about the room I decluttered and painted, this summer. It has become my favorite room in the house.

My desk that I'm sitting at now.

And, oh yeah! We turned off all the lights, last night, sat on the driveway and watched the eclipse. In 18 years, I told the kids, maybe you'll remember back to this time when we were all together and watched this amazing phenomenon! Hubby had Belac in his lap, next to me, where I had Jake in mine, heavy and big as he was! He'd never let me do that in public and in broad daylight, even though he is still a kid he is growing up very fast. I wrapped my arms around him as we all talked about stuff. Good times. 

sent Sept 4

To Sisters and 3 Cousins, 
So I find myself pretty upset about mom's situation and state of mind, and how it ever came to this. I try not to take her actions personally and remind myself she is distraught and depressed about her situation and that this is the only way she knows how to behave. I also read last night, it is not advisable to reason with an unreasonable person, nor advisable to interact with an angry one.
>
> That said. Every morning when I wake up and make lunch for the kids, I feel like I'm healing myself from the past and protecting myself from my mom's current episode. This, I tell myself, is my life and my normal. When I go to bed at night and have some minutes to talk with Mark about his day or I'm keeping him company while he shaves in the morning, I like that we talk and make plans. This relationship with my husband, too, needs attention and care.
>
> I wonder if my mom's behavior is a result of pathology, upbringing or dementia. I am most troubled by my father being led down this path with my mom. Our last 2 conversations were of his yelling at me, then hanging up. Getting old is certainly hard enough. Being in a partnership with someone as impulsive and unreasonable as my mom, and for so long, is my dad's normal. And frankly, I see him just trying to survive his last years as peacefully as possible, yet now finding himself in an impossible place of how to get mom to stand up again without 3 young daughters and cousins that need to be places and fed.
>
> After reading the email she sent Mark, I was initially indignant and wanted to give it right back to her. This morning, I am a little more clear, and tell myself that there is a person buried deep under layers of emotion and hurt and distrust, that knows her kids and cousins were the best things that ever happened to her. She has something to show for her life in raising us and we turned out into a pretty fine bunch despite it all.
>
> So I apologize for the long rambling but I have been deeply effected by my mom's behavior this time around. And also come to the stark realization that there is a limit to what any of us can do, if she hasn't tried to kill herself or another person.
>
> Again, I hope we can stick together and not let what happened with our parents (Chiader, Calvin, Kathryn) happen to the 6 of us. And for this, we each have to make extra effort given our history. Not only in our personal and intimate lives with our own children and partners, but also with each other.
>
> Have a great Friday all!
>
> I love you all.
>
Gimky

Bed time

Kissed the kids good night. Jake reading a few minutes. Hubby in bed early for triathlon in the wee morning. Me now in guest room playing with phone.

I can hear the crickets out the window and all is so still.

This is the life I could only dream about as a kid. Yes. I have at least one complicated kid, whose fate I'm not entirely certain about. But things are pretty sane and stable, day to day. And whatever the problems, we behave with a certain consideration for each other. Even though I live with all boys - and at least one man - who don't typically want to talk ad nauseum about stuff, we do talk much more about things than in the household I grew up in.

This life, my life, is the stuff of dreams. How could I have been so lucky at how things turned out?

I feel so extraordinarily bad for my mom. As much as she is convinced of so many things, I remind myself that her 3 children were reasons she got out of bed, everyday. Even though she will never admit it, I know we made her proud and her life worth living. Even though she feels she can throw away my relationship with her and pretend I don't exist, and not want anything to do with me or my kids, I know in her right mind, she would never allow herself to feel this way.

A few days ago I read an interview about an  author who recently died. She was Joan Collins' sister. She had kept her cancer secret from her sister for years, not wanting to upset her. And even as she was dying and in her last days, she was still thinking about her own kids and grandkids, hoping they knew she'd always be there for them in spirit. It was so eloquently expressed, I felt tears spring to my eyes.

I know, I know deep in my heart, how utterly painful it would be for me to - God forbid - not be able to be with my children for uncontrollable reason. How I want nothing but the best for them, want to protect them, and if something happened to me, I could not bear for them to be too sad or to ever feel alone. I'd want them to remember and feel my undying love and belief in them. Always. I know what that author is saying, deep to the core, even though it has not been a sentiment I experienced or learned from my own mother.

I honestly don't feel sorry for myself, painful as it has been to come to grips with my mother's behavior. I try very hard to take none of it personally. But I do feel so sorry that she has never faced the truth about her situation, taken modest responsibility for her actions and sought help. Suffering all alone, in large part, because of the stigma associated with mental illness.

Mom, Belac told me the other day, I'm sort of worried you might stop talking to me. Like, what Nana is doing to you.

Belac, I made him look at me, there will be times when we disagree, and there might be times I need you to leave me alone until I calm down about something upsetting, but I will never do this to you, okay? Never.  Whatever the problem, we will figure it out!

I feel it's my duty to teach my kids to not be scared of looking at themselves honestly.  And also to express my unconditional love for them. I never knew such massive love until I had my boys. Yes, we have had plenty of frustrating situations and challenges, but you can figure a lot out if you try. It's important to put your heart into trying for things that matter.

Jake's light just turned off, as promised. I get it. He just needed to read a few pages of something before bed. Now it's my turn. Nighty night!

Art

Jake 2009

Cooking.

One child studying for 2 exams at his computer desk in the dining room. We talked about 'active' studying vs. passive studying - just reading things over. And then when Belac - in the family room, working at the coffee table - needed help with Algebra, I sent Jake and listened from afar his helping his little brother. Music to my ears. Now there is another problem none of us can solve, and it's gone to hubby.

Jake now drawing. He has told me before that he wants to be an architect but is concerned that most architects are poor. Who cares? Pursue your passion, be great at what you do and the money will come. At least that's what I've told him. How often does anyone recognize their own passion in time enough to pursue it fully? Crazy thing is how I never really paid attention to him in any creative way, and here he is, hand selected for this class and now I'm looking more closely at his drawings. Belac always asked me, the past year, is Jake a better drawer than me? I always explained that they just were different, but frankly, I didn't really know and was not paying such close attention to Jake in that way. I mean, Belac is just so prolific and draws all the time and everyday and has very novel ideas. He could draw before he could communicate verbally and so I learned to look at his drawings the way a regular mom listened to her kid speak. Jake's output has always been consistent, too, but more like a sketch a week, if he even shared with me that much. But again, I wasn't looking in the same way. Now I realize that Belac has been on to something, recently, in often comparing his own work to his brother's....

The thing about Jake is that he is very emotionally intelligent. He understands and recognizes the way other people tick. He is soft spoken, wickedly funny, and not a competitive type, but at the core, I recognize he is very strong. Belac, on the other hand, can be more prickly and rigid on the outside and has a very strong temperament, and while he has very strong convictions and brilliant and novel ideas and is totally loyal to others and what he feels is right, I recognize that at the core, he is not as self-assured and has doubts and anxiety. They are different and amazing in their own ways. But what they have in common? And what I'm so proud of? Is that each of them want to do the right thing. Each of them wants to get better.

In the 4th grade, I was really upset to see a picture of Jake's hanging in the hallway of school. Every drawing hanging was of each child walking down a road. It was a perspective exercise, I think. And among all of these dorky drawings of kids walking in fields of flowers and butterflies and the like, there was Jake's drawing. A kid walking down a barren field, with two towers in the distance and a plane crashing into one of them. Maybe it was drawn around September 11? Or just the kind of thing he worried about? After all, it was the height of his anxieties at night, when he needed me by his side to sleep. Wow, thank God those days passed! The thing is. I was really embarrassed by that picture. Worried he might appear to have problems. Wondering, even aloud to him, why his picture wasn't happy like the others. How shameful of me!

My point is. Music has been so important to hubby and me. Whether because of my own failings to instill that love of music to my own children or because there was only so much live music this household could endure, my children didn't follow in those footsteps. But thank God they both have art and other ways to express themselves. It is so important and I'm happy both boys love to draw!

new year

A couple of my classes are huge, this year, and others have just 6 kids, but I really love my new and improved schedule and will try my best to make it all work. I love the kids and the parents, and feel so lucky to have such a good thing going with the schools. Best of all, I was able to spread out my after school schedule and create better time for my own kids, everyday.

I couldn't have hoped for a better start to a new year! I'm so grateful!

high school

vegan chocolate cake with a dairy glaze

I went to private school and graduated with just 45 kids in my class. Hubby went to an all boys private school, growing up. Neither of us were particularly athletic nor belonged to any team. We studied music privately and pretty much did our own things outside of school. And now there is Jake,  Freshman at the local public high school.

He has a full schedule at school and refused to drop Band, even at the expense of not having a lunch period. He has an amazing, phenomenal teacher in accelerated Art class, with fewer than 10 Freshman. And he's running on the cross country team and practicing 2 hours, everyday, after school. There's serious practice of aerobics, working with machines, sprints, drills, hill and track running. Last year, the varsity team won the NYS championship for their division, so there is a lot for Jake to aspire to. He is running in JV and needs to get his 5K under 20 minutes if he wants to be on the Varsity team.

The most amazing thing about cross country, though, is not just the running and the daily physical rigor. The night before the meets, the JV and Varsity teams get together for big pasta dinners, always at a different family's house. It is a welcome social experience for Jake to hang out with 25 other boys, both lower and upper class. It's a certain kind of kid that runs cross country and I really like the bunch. They are very disciplined and friendly, and tend not to be the Rah-Rah, overly aggressive, crass and exposed kids found in other team sports. Last week, Jake finally ran in his first meet, one which included 3000 runners! The next day, we found out that he had ranked well, overall, that his time was counted for the school's JV cross country team, and that he also came in 1st among Sunny Patch's Freshmen. I think Jake was most surprised of all to hear the news, he just has no idea what he is capable of.

And now, he's at the school's home Football game. Football game...?! Yes, football game. And playing his sax there with the school band. This is all strange, laughable and foreign to me. I mean, are there cheerleaders there? I hardly know a thing about football, really know nothing about homecoming except the usual bad stuff and the fact that Jake is supposed to be there, wearing his x country shirt.... He's living a certain life I am wholly unfamiliar with, but it's good. Especially for Jake, it is good that he is out there and engaged in school life and activities, and that he can mostly get to everything by himself, on his own two feet.

We are so lucky for this life. I can only hope that both kids will grow up with a certain confidence to do good things. 

trial

In my relative absence here:

I believe my mom has begun to steadily lose her mind. I have been distraught about what has unfolded over these weeks.

The kids started school. They are both doing well and I am so proud. And guess what? They both have romantic crushes! Belac feels the need to discuss with me, everyday, about how girls fall in love with boys. Jake says nothing, but yesterday his crush came for her first of the year piano lesson. I was astonished to notice that she seems to like him, too.

I have 90 students, now, that I see on a weekly basis. I love my schedule and the kids, but it's a lot.

And now, Hubby is in conversations about a job in Toronto! The prospect of moving is upsetting and scary, given the stability and community we have worked so hard over 5 years to develop and now enjoy, but the reality is, he has to look for a job. But please dear God let his next job be in NY. Moving at this stage of the game for the kids would be very painful.

And still on top of it all, I feel the need to fly home and check on my parents. I don't have time, but things are bad and I need to see what is happening. Is my mom more lucid than she sounds? Out of bed? And is my dad coping? They've stopped answering the phone. My dad and I have had several conversations, where he has yelled at me and hung up. He has never in his life yelled at me. Ever. But  he's living in the monkey house and trying to cope by living in denial. I cannot take it personally, and mostly, I am just overwhelmed by sadness for my dad.

So this is the state of affairs.

As for this blog, I made it private a few weeks ago, on a whim. I also sort of stopped writing, even as this situation with my mom spiraled out of control and brought me to tears almost everyday for awhile. I was afraid my next door neighbor was reading and basking in schadenfreude while pretending not to know anything. I was afraid someone would show this to my mom as more evidence of what a bad daughter I am. What's in here would pretty much destroy her. It's strange to realize, how differently I approach a private journal Even though I think only a few people read this in its public form, I write and reason better and hold myself more accountable when I know someone could be reading. Plus I miss writing. So maybe for a week I'll change the settings and see what happens....

Belac

Laid down with Belac who was crying, last night. He told me that if he didn't start growing and behaving better, he was going to run away. Belac, I told him, I'd miss you. And where would you go? What would you do? Where would you sleep...? Don't you think this is really the best place for you to be, at home, where you can figure things out...? Me, dad, Jake... we love you just the way you are.

I know, he weeped and wiped his eyes. I'm just so jealous of Josh! He has everything, and he even has an iPhone!

You know that both his parents work full-time and they are often gone?

Where?

At work! And sometimes spending the night elsewhere. And not that it's a choice, but would you rather have me around more or an iPhone? (You around.) And so think about this. Couldn't he have reason to be jealous of you? Why do you get a mom who is around, and not him...? (Quiet.) And for so many other kids, they could be thinking: how come Belac gets to live close to school and walk? Why does Belac get his own bedroom? How come Belac gets to have steak every Sunday night...?

You have so much to be grateful for, Caleby! And you would be wise to start thinking about how lucky you are and also, to start loving yourself.

Oh, yeah, like what Ben told me.

Yes, like what Ben told you, about his accepting himself for who he is. Even though he's not into sports, even though he's as short as you, even though he doesn't like the music everyone else likes, even though he has only 2 friends in his high school. He is being true to himself and he's okay with it, not bitter at all...

Oh yeah....

I kissed him a dozen times and wished him good night. I love this kid so much!

mom

I asked mom in a text, if I should fly out to see her. Check on her. No response as usual. Whether by phone, text, or email, there is never a response.

Hubby was finally able to reach her by house line. She made all sorts of excuses about not being able to see her phone. Hear her phone. He tried Face Time again. Nothing she did not pick up. He called back on the landline. He did not discuss technical problems. Would she say something about her phone being broken or having problems? Even though she probably changed her settings to block us? She will do anything to not tell the truth and take responsibility of her actions: that she just didn't want any contact with us.

The thing is. Mom is not reliable. She is just not, in any way. It's it her bad upbringing? Mental illness? Possibly, dementia, at this point? Problem is. I have been treating her like she can help it and getting upset. I have to realize she cannot help it, even though I can't even begin to believe it. She is a spoiled child in a 69 year old body that is not working. At all. She has her light moments and her good moments, but at this stage, at this age, she is not going to change.

learning from history

So proud of the kids for getting right to homework after school. Caleb had 2 hours of both English and Science. Jake got home by 5:30 and was done with work by 6 and then off to read. He claimed to have gotten all of his work done at Study Period.

But last night, just an hour before bed and after the family played a game on the computer, together, I asked hubby to quiz Jake on French. I looked at his assignment pad. Had he done the Extra Credit he check off? No, but I'm doing it now, he said. Then hubby looked over his sheets for studying. He hadn't filled out the exercises completely and some of it didn't look right. Jake? Did you correct this in class? Um, he said, I may not have been paying attention. But this is what you're studying off of?

So there was quizzing on some basic stuff last night, and some review this morning. I took many deep breaths. The big lesson is this:

He needs to be overseen to complete all of his work and to be taught to study properly. He needs to be shown how to cross every t and dot every i. He needs to verify with me that everything is done. Until that happens, I cannot trust him. I don't believe he is deliberately deceptive, but he is not careful. Not careful at all.

It's just the 2nd week of school. May we learn from history and these early days.

to Guidance Counselor

Also, just a reminder about Fishkill assignments. Caleb really cannot be in a cabin or small group with Jasper, who has a history of influencing Caleb to make poor choices beyond just the harmless middle school fun and games.

If it is possible for him to be in a group with any of his very close buddies: Ian, Ethan, and Josh, that would be really helpful to him. They are all kids he has had many sleepovers with. Additionally, Sean, a trip volunteer from the high school, was also his babysitter. 

Thank you so much. I wish you a great and productive school year! And as always, please don't hesitate to call or email with any questions or concerns.

Gimky

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I understand you are in deep pain and depression. I’m really sorry about this. However, I’m writing to say it doesn’t need to be this way and it shouldn’t be this way. In these glory days, when you have young grandchildren to enjoy and time and resources to travel, you should be happy and enjoying your life!

What you are going through is difficult. And I wonder if there is someone who can help you figure out your helplessness. As you know, Caleb had a really tough time, recently, with kids being mean and bullying him. He felt hopeless, unappreciated and terrible about himself, even though it was not his fault. I tried everything to help him, but came to realize that all of my love and help was not enough to pull him up. I also found myself in despair, not being able to do enough to alleviate his pain. Things got so bad, I had no choice but to find Caleb and me a therapist to talk to and you know? It helped. The therapist helped each of us look at things more positively and figure out how to function better through difficult times. We learned we cannot control other people’s hurtful actions, but we CAN control our own reaction and turn something negative to a positive.  

My friend Sarah, also, has suffered from depression most of her adult life. She told me about how running, everyday, makes her feel better. And finally, last year, she sought professional help after suffering, day after day, crying and feeling bad about her situation. She switched to a really great primary care physician she could talk to, who was very understanding and supportive and believed in her, and who prescribed her an anti-depression medication until she could feel better on her own. She also found a therapist, who gives her guidance on how to recognize and then let go of her difficult emotions. If you want me to get the information of her doctor, I can do that. I share this story because it is inspirational in how she has overcome a difficult situation and a family history of pain. Also to tell you that there is no shame in seeking help when you are suffering.

And finally, for the sake of yourself, it is important to find gratitude, everyday. I know it's hard, but remember: Your kids turned out great and they married good people, you have adorable grandkids, a husband who supports you through everything and travels with you, and more than enough money to live the rest of your life comfortably. It’s important to focus on the good so that you can find joy in your life. And if joy feels impossible, it is really okay to seek help. Plenty of people suffer from depression and anxiety, feelings of helplessness and anger, but we are so lucky that there are so many great resources out there to help alleviate one's pain.

However I can help you, you should let me know. We love you and hope to see you soon.

Gimky

status

Today someone comes and fixes our ac. Hopefully. The part is under warranty, but the labor is insane at $1650. Interesting, that on our very first day of respite from a weeklong heatwave, where I was ready to kill someone everyday, the ac can finally be fixed when we don't need it. Further, we have a fireplace insert arriving. They need a check for $2250 at time of delivery, and that's just the equipment, we haven't gotten to the install yet. Yes. Money is not everything but let's face it. You need money.

Yesterday I sent my mother a letter.  She is a couple of weeks into not talking to me or my sisters and seems to be off Facebook, unless she made herself invisible. She is going to die unhappy and angry at the world. I am resigned. There is nothing I can do. I have read a lot, lately, about dealing with difficult people and what has sunk in is this: you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. You should not interact with an angry person. Only problem is, this is going to ruin my relationship with my dad. He doesn't carry a cell, he doesn't do email or Facebook. Our interactions have been through my mom.

Yesterday, I made dinner as I was cleaning up from breakfast. No way I was going to cook later in a hot house. And then, last night, as I cleaned up from dinner and the house got cool, I made mac and cheese from a box for the kids to have, next day, at breakfast and lunch. Amazing how a little foresight and organization I learned from being hot, everyday, in the kids' first week of school, saves me time and energy. Must remember.

Horrible problems with insurance, that keeps denying Caleb growth hormone. We are over 6 weeks into this and he is already on it, but they keep refusing to pay for it. Doctor's office is fighting with us in a 2nd appeal after 4 denials.

Glad to have started teaching late due to the way Jewish holidays fall. Everyday, we have 30 minutes at breakfast together. I prompt the kids about all they need: phone, watch, lunch. We do a once around, anything forgotten? What's that paper on your desk? Every night, I check Jake's assignment pad and look at every folder. Is everything 3 ring hole punched and dated and in the binder properly? Things crossed off? Think, did you forget to turn any homework in, today? What's coming up? It is insanely good to have this time to get into a routine.

2 days ago, I went with Jake to get better Cross Country shoes. He's running and training, 2 hours a day after school. If he continues to repeat history, that's a $125 on a pair of shoes he will run a few hundred miles in a few months. Ran into someone at the store with her kids we haven't seen since NURSERY SCHOOL. Unbelievable how time flies. Her son is now in 10th and has long hair down his back, despite being at Jewish day school. Daughter, cute as ever.

I know these next years will be quick. I have so much to make sure the kids can do before they graduate. From fixing themselves a meal, exerting pressure on themselves to concentrate and get things done, to taking care of and keeping track of their belongings, to thinking about others. How lucky I am to have this time with the kids.

full disclosure

Dear Mrs. 7th grade Math,I hope you had a great summer and am excited about Caleb trying out 7th grade Math with you. As you probably know, Caleb is in the Modified Class with Mrs. D and in your Math class, this year.

Caleb is a very smart, quirky kid, who is very motivated to do well. He is especially great at drawing and telling stories in pictures, and very involved at Jacob Burns. Some of his best learning is with his hands and it appears he also has strength in Math. I also feel it's important that you know - because the school may not share this with you - that Caleb has a high-functioning Autism spectrum diagnosis, described now as Other Learning Impaired. While he has made huge progress, he continues to have challenges in maintaining focus, inferring when he reads, and navigating socially. (That said, it can sometimes appear that he's not listening, when he actually is.) It can cause him to feel anxious or frustrated at times, but being in the Modified Class has helped him get both the academic and emotional support he needs. Furthermore, open lines of communication with his teachers has really helped us better support Caleb from home.

That said, I just wanted to let you know that if you have any questions or concerns about Caleb, both academically or behaviorally, please don't hesitate to jot me a note or call! Or if there is not enough time, you can feel free to speak with Mrs. D and she can pass any messages along. We are really invested in helping Caleb meet his potential and want to support him in his learning! 

Thank you so much and I wish you all the best in this new year!

Gimky

back

I haven't written forever. Don't exactly know how I feel about it. I was too busy engaging with my family. And time spent normally blogging was taken up by correspondence with my family. Over my mom. I think she is going crazy, and she's taking my dad down with her.

She is on and off FB, deleting Friends, like the weather changes. She has unresolved medical issues. She's depressed. Angry. Unreasonable. Not in reality. Pathetic. A pain to be around. Won't let it go with her dad. Disowned my cousins and will not communicate with me. Called people in the wee hours, tried to facetime them at those times, left crazy messages. Now she's planning to go to Taiwan during Thanksgiving. To do what? Uncover the truth about her inheritance? She thinks they are going to have a better time there, she alone with my dad, both elderly, doing what? Her kids and grandkids are going to be here, at my house. And she's not going to be here? She thinks she's hurting us, but mostly she's hurting herself. God help her if she survives my dad, I have no idea what she's going to do. Money wise we are fine, but I do not know if she will get out of bed or be able to function in this world.

Meanwhile, Caleb is having a hard time. Anxious. Worried about school. Jacob is hopefully going to do okay, but has a huge schedule and cross country practice 2 hours a day after school. Hopefully he can manage it all. Everyone posted happy photos of their kids. My photo was of 2 sad kids, mourning the loss of summer. It was funny! But I deleted it from FB right away, I don't want to embarrass my kis.

I have spent most of my day getting this house in order. We have no ac during the hottest late summer heatwave, the house is 87 degrees, hot and sticky. By midday I want to kill someone and my patience is thin. It is going to cost 1600 to fix a brand new condenser. On top of that, I have been fighting with insurance over our medical bills. We have been approved 4 times, denied 4 times, we are now in appeals with the help our doctor. We are expensive. No one is making money off of us, they will find every loop hole there is to relinquish their responsibility.

And the synagogue!! They need me for everything right now, and I'm accompanying Fri and Sat services until they can find someone. I really don't have time. I spent hours making a band booklet. Then rehearsed last night. I don't have the time. Then the rabbi, looking like she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, said under her breath: yeah, it'll be fine, even though my husband is about to leave me, I'll be fine. Oh my god, I stopped and when I asked, what? She said never mind, everything was fine. I wanted to cry for her. And it explains her weird behavior whenever I see her. Her husband is NOT nice. Suffered a stroke and seems like an angry man. They moved cross country for this job to be closer to a daughter and their new grandson. Everyone has their story and struggle....

I went private with the blog because I didn't like that a stranger was actively trying to friend me, and lives not far away. I also don't like that my next door neighbor was reading me. I also worried someone would give my mom all these mad entries about her. I just realized that it needs to be more private. I am happy to share with people who don't pretend to not be reading with me or who I know of are sound mine, and just basically look upon me with belief in me despite all of my own struggles.

Last night, we went out to eat in town. Cooking in this heat is a nightmare. Within 10 minutes, I was feeling more myself. Sure, I had a lychee martini with hubby. But just being in a climate controlled setting did wonders and I could look around the table at my family and breathe some sigh of relief, despite what is ahead, feel some love and relax a little.