PS

She moved into her new cottage of new girls last Thursday. It means her caseworker and social worker are also new. Her psychologist just also left the school. Her 7 days of restriction were all earned since Thursday. They should have cut her some slack with so many changes in her life. Now she is confined to the cottage with no freedoms. What are you doing? I'm cleaning my room all day.

She should be allowed to see the kids at her old cottage in the rec room. They were like family. She told me all she wants is to go back to her old cottage.

It's terrible, just terrible.

Sarah

Showed up onto a bare campus to meet Sarah for lunch. Where was everybody? It was school break, why didn't anyone tell me? We talked. I brought her a bright pink journal and wrote: For Sarah, A place for your dreams and lists, and the good and the bad. Writing things down helps me organize my thoughts and always makes me feel better! From (smiley face) Gimky.

We made a bunch of long lists together and had a few good laughs. What Sarah wants to do.... What Sarah likes... Sarah's Life Goals... Gimky's Life Goals....

She wanted to know if I had a dog. Did I have a picture? Do you have a husband? Is that your son? Suddenly, she could see an album of 750 photos and wanting to see everything, and suddenly I just felt so embarrassed, trying to control her access. So many smiling pictures of my family. A picture of the Grand Canyon, where is that? Hubby and Jake racing. All of us at Jake's graduation. Lots of kids shooting hoops. I could see her face. She saw a picture of my hand with my ruby ring. Who gave that to you? It made me realize how much we have next to the so very little she has.

She is on 'restriction' now. 7 days in a row. What did you do? She looked down at her sandwich. I stole someone's comb and used it, but I did apologize. That was 3 days of restriction. (Are you kidding me?) Okay, good for you that you apologized. What else? I was sitting on the couch and watching tv when I wasn't supposed to. That was 2 days. (Oh My God, but there's no school. If I handed out these kinds of punishments, my kids would never leave their bedrooms.) And then I stole a girl's panties...

You stole a girl's panties?? Why? She shrugged. I didn't have any. You didn't have panties? Why? Because I didn't do my laundry. Sarah, I said, next time you go without, you wear this long dress where no one can see anything anyway, and you go without underpants until you wash them. OR you ask someone if you can borrow their panties, and you promise to wash them when you're done.

Silence, she was looking at me now. Okay.

You don't want anyone rummaging through your stuff, do you? Like writing in your new journal? NO!! So if you want people to respect your stuff, you respect theirs okay? And if you can't figure out what to do, find someone to ask.

The girls call me a thief. Yeah? Well it's never too late to turn things around. And my new caseworker is mean. Okay, well, she sounds tough. But you will learn to take her seriously and know that she means business, right? Things will get better once you get to know each other....

And Randall, he's leaving. December 9. Before my birthday. Wow, that's hard. He told you? Yes, in front of me and my therapist. I just wish he was going in January, after my birthday.

It's JAIL, that place. JAIL. No rec room, no being outside in this gorgeous weather over minor infractions when there is no school? She is being made to stay in her cottage everyday through July 4 week end?? No family to come and defend her or take her out for the long week end, few friends. What did she do to deserve any of this?

summer

Jake and I had a few hours before he walked himself to tennis camp. His inclination was to go read, he even had the chutzpah to ask me if he could go on the computer to play games. But I was very patient, knowing this was mostly my fault. I had a morning to scrub down the smelly floor tiles the dog had peed on. I needed him to help out.

First, he had to make his lunch and find his phone and tennis racket. Then load up the dishwasher, put stuff away and wipe down the counters. It was amazing how much supervision this all needed. When I came in to check, I patiently told him to look around, he was not at all done loading the dishwasher. There were bbq utensils to be washed by hand. A piece of food that could be wrapped and put in the fridge. Then wiping down the counters! I guess he's never done it before and I had to instruct him to even rinse and wring dry the rag instead of pushing water around with a sopping wet rag...  It became clear to me that practice makes perfect, that we need to tackle his executive functioning challenges head on, and that for the next 3 weeks when tennis camp starts at 11 and he and I have those hours alone, his job now was to clean up the kitchen after breakfast and weed the section near the mail box. 

No computer games until the end of the day when everything is done, don't even ask. I told him how much his tennis camp cost. How much his wilderness camp cost. How I bumped into a few boys in town that were doing nothing, this summer, and it's because their parents could not afford any options. You, I told Jake, are going to camp because we are rich. But you are not going to behave like a rich boy. We are going to work for our week ends and work for these opportunities. Your dad is up at 5:30 to run, everyday, and left for work by 7:15, today. It's not right for him to work like that while we laze around. There is plenty of stuff around here that needs to get done! He nodded his head. 

Though I said he could take a break at 10am, he knew enough to keep weeding as long as I was scrubbing carpet squares. I was later proud to see him throw on his cap and begin his mile walk to tennis with a sandwich, water, phone, a few bucks and a racket. He originally thought he didn't need the backpack he now slung over his shoulder, but we discussed how a carefully packed bag could help him not lose things, which we also labeled with permanent stickers. He is a good kid, he just needs to be taught.

I want to raise successful, outstanding kids but know that certain things are ultimately out of my control. As long as they live under this roof, though, they will not be lazy.

my garden

It's sad, I wrote, knowing I had to write SOMETHING in response to her long, long emails. But important to look on the bright side of things. You have a healthy husband who is still working and who you take trips with. You have a very good life despite it all.

I then sent a gazillion photos of my garden - what else could I do? And invited everyone on the thread - mom and sisters - to dinner. 

life

Was in Montreal, this week end, for my MIL's 70th. Though I left early before the party in order to drive Belac home in time for the first day of camp, I had such a lovely time! Caught up with the siblings and spouses and cousins we hadn't seen in a long while, with the parents of cousins... there was an afternoon with my BIL's wife over sushi and a walk on the canal, a Dead End obstacle race with BIL, Jake and hubby... a couple of drinks out on Greene Avenue with some of the gang, one night.

Meanwhile, the insanity on my side of the family played out in parallel time. My uncle and his wife, unbeknownst to my parents, sold their townhouse, packed up and left Michigan without telling my parents. Did any of us know? my mom wanted to know from my sisters and me. None of us knew and I was shocked. Did they go back to Taiwan?? They hadn't been speaking for 6 months and my Uncle left Facebook. Eldest cousin had a perfectly civil and loving conversation with my mom, which left my mom sobbing and hysterical, and then proceeded to call each of my sisters and me with her concerns and updates. Even before this news, my mother admitted to my cousin being so depressed about the situation with my Uncle and her family that she contemplated killing herself. Sisters and I texted back and forth. And then my mother sent an unintelligible, lengthy email going through all of the details of how she had been wronged to little sis, hoping to get approval from her to send it to all of us, 3 sisters and 3 cousins. I just don't know what to say. Whether she sends it or not does not matter, we all would understand the problem and roll our eyes and still love her anyway. But what I want to know is, is she the same as she ever was or is this something different? That she really can't let it roll?

Are you hungry? I had asked Belac when we arrived home, should we eat some ramen? I don't know, mom, should I go to bed or something? But are you hungry? He thought about it. Maybe we should split one, he decided. We ate. We laughed at a picture hubby had posted on Facebook: his young family of 7 on a couch and then his family of 7, 35 years later on same couch. And then we received a text, how's the ramen? We laughed our heads off. Hubby and Jake were locked out of the house in Montreal after the party, and they decided to have a look at the camera in the kitchen. They were watching us eat dinner. "Creepy" texted Belac, "You know when I'm sleeping. You know when I'm awake."

My Belac is the sweetest thing. Hubby's cousin told me that she thinks about us all the time because her niece on hubby's side was just diagnosed with Asperger's. It's kind of an odd comment, don't you think? Because if you've met one kid on the spectrum, you've met one kid on the spectrum. Belac is the sweetest, most well meaning kid ever. He is just such an awesome kid and I've never seen someone try as hard as him and so want to do the right thing....

The endocrinologist had said to us that sometimes parents of special needs kids want their kids to remain small and not do hormone therapy. Knowing that the care of their child would be long term and life long, a smaller child would be easier to manage. But she viewed Belac's situation as being different, as he was what she considered so high functioning. Some neurotypicals of normal height, you know, they never get married... she was pulling up her pant legs and wading into the muck, and other quirky individuals, they end up being happily married and find the right person... and you know, I'm not telling you what to do and you don't need to decide now, but in Belac's case, being in the realm of 'normal' height will probably be one less obstacle for him, in fact it might help him, you know, succeed....

Oh, Doctor, I said without missing a beat, we agree. If the hormone therapy does not jeapordize his health and is covered by insurance, or even if not completely, we are on board without hesitation. Thank you for your thoughts on this and for believing in him, thank you so very, very much!

last day of school

the doctor's notes

Soon I'll be driving the Rabbi and her husband to the airport. Laundry and packing up, as we are heading to Montreal in the morning, crack of dawn, to celebrate Granny's 70th. Waiting for Belac and Izzy to come home on their last. day. of. school.! I don't know who is happiest of all. Kids being dismissed all over Sunny Patch and streaming onto sidewalks on this breezy, sunny day. Last day of school!

Just paid a bill out of our new house budget. Replaced a leaky, thirsty toilet with a water saving one. And with that, actually, we're done. The rest is reserved for a fireplace insert and to fix the roof above the kitchen. We are saving and prioritizing. Who knows what expenses are ahead?

simple

I'm shocked and pleased.

These past few days we have been in clean up and clean out mode. Jake went through all of his clothes and weeded out what he didn't and could no longer wear.

I instructed: shirts together, pants together.... old stuff folded nicely to give away.

So this is what it all comes down to aside from a load in the wash, and a drawer of more socks and underwear. What more does he need? Do I care that he rolls instead of folds? No. This is totally manageable for him and he did it.

Next stop: his desk and shelves.

flying

Up at crack of dawn. Dragged recycling to the curb, including Jake's Rubik's Cube Halloween Costume. We all agreed it was time to let this fading, fraying relic go and what a bittersweet sight to see this huge thing at the foot of our drive. And then I sat down for last Thank Yous.

Jake had written cards to 3 teachers: English, Social Studies and Band. For Belac, there were 8: Main Teacher, Class Assistant, Nurse, Hall Monitor, Guidance Counselor, Social Studies, Psychologist and Asst. Principal. All received Dunkin Donuts cards. 3 - Main, Asst. and Guidance, received books "out of my mind," a book Belac and I read together that made me cry and what I believe initially got Belac and I talking about his social and school life.

What did I say? To the nurse it was to thank for her compassion and understanding. For sitting with Belac when he was throwing up with her hand on his back, for letting him use her phone when he needed me, all year long, for having ideas about how to help him gain weight.... To his main teacher for helping him be more emotionally at peace and accessible to learning, to always keeping contact with me, for going totally way above and beyond... And to the Asst. Principal I thanked really for Jake. An amazing, compassionate person who made sure everything was a positive learning experience. For listening to my worries about his school performance, to helping me figure out a way to support him within school, to calling me to ask if I thought he should give Belac detention for swearing - I said yes, to pulling Jake aside to give him a pep talk about pulling himself together and sprinting to the end of this year....

It's the last day of school. Tonight is 8th grade graduation. The other day, we bought all of Jake's clothes from the men's section of the gap. A sports coat looks too big on him but the length was right and 'skinny' style khakis 28 x 32 still need a belt to keep on his hips. He's growing up so fast, I can't believe it.

Time is FLYING!

day

We had a dozen people here, tonight, to greet our new Rabbi over desserts and wine. It was a last minute, drop in kind of thing. I scrubbed down the house, last night, got up early this morning before Sarah's graduation ceremony to shop for desserts... greeted the kids, Ian and Izzy with pizzas from the freezer on their half day, and then off to the pool we went, where we met the others. Spread out a blanket in the shade and talked for 3 hours with Dot and Kati like school girls as the kids trickled in and out for snacks and a few bucks for ice cream. Texted Lulu, who was still nauseous and dizzy after a medical procedure, all wishing her well and any help.

An idyllic day.

last day of school

Last day of school.

Mom, my cell rang, can Tom come over? Omg, this kid never ceases to amaze me. It took until the last day of school for this! Yes, of course he can.

I can count on one hand the number of times Jake has ever invited a friend over this year. It came up, last night. About taking initiative and not leaving it up to the others. About making his own future without being told. Figuring things out. And being more proactive about his social life, not just being with Belac's friends or the adults....

I had to leave for an hour to meet Sarah. Left Belac with 1 hour of computer time and Jake to hang with his friend, while keeping an eye on his little brother. The boys were in the thick of playing one on one with a basketball when I left. Came home to find them working on a metal puzzle in the living room and noticed the basement light on, they had gone down to play ping pong. Now just heated up a frozen pizza and can hear them eating and talking. There's no problem at all with what to do, Jake's worry, and they haven't had to resort to devices.

This kid lives just up the street from us, an easy walk. He's a really funny, unassuming kid, and 3rd of 4 brothers. The eldest is graduating high school. His mom runs the local tennis camp that Jake signs up for every summer. And the kid is also not switching to private school, next year.

Yes, Jake! My sweet kid. He's learning and trying.

And....

he threw up in school and is home.

Vanderbilt

This very early morning, I printed out copies of the Vanderbilt Teacher Assessment forms. I wrote a few of Jake's teachers personal thank yous and a request that they fill out the enclosed form, mostly just checking boxes, and drop them in the pre stamped envelope to Dr. Ashton. Dr. Ashton and I never discussed this, previously. But today is Jake's last day of school and in the middle of the night, I realized we needed Jake's teachers' valuable feedback after a year of knowing him, and especially on the eve of Jake entering high school.

Keeping track of all the pieces of school is just so hard for him. It just is. It's gotten better and he means well, but he is just not reliable. Organizationally challenged and not good with time management, it's like he's floating. I blame myself for not being on top of him, one step ahead and always positive, and getting him into an organized routine. From wearing his watch everyday, to taking off his shoes in the same place, to putting away stuff and turning off lights, to looking around and seeing what he's missing... everything with him tends to be reactive and not proactive enough. He desperately needs better habits and a clear idea and system decided AHEAD of time. No mommy just picking up the pieces and doing it for him or ordering him around. That is not the way. I have to teach him like I teach my music students. Methodically, thoughtfully, positively. I can't play anyone's pieces for them and can only role model and teach. So on the teaching front, I can only assume I haven't done a good job. My oversight really has to be constant at first.  It's like keeping an addict off drugs and alcohol, seriously! I have to be on top of it and him in such a certain way that I just have not sustained.

What are we going to do? hubby and I talked a bit, last night.

midnight chat

Mom...? I heard in the darkness. I can't sleep... I have too much in my head.

I followed him down the hallway and back to his room where he lept back into bed. The room was dark and breezy, the fan was whirling on high in the window.

What's going on?

Well, I don't want to tell you... it's....

i knew to just wait.

I worry I overreact to things... And like... What people think.

Well, you do overreact to things sometimes, but you are much better.... Today, instead of freaking out and crying about not going to his house, you could have said, hey (shrug) let's do it another day. What other day works? Cool like a cucumber. That's much better than causing a scene. It is very mature behavior to control your disappointment.. We have to practice this so it comes more naturally to you, okay? But you are much better and I see you behaving more maturely everyday.

And Ethan told me that Casper says bad things behind my back....

Well, that's not good if true.... You know, Belac? Ethan, izzy, Ian, Josh, Conner...they each have annoyed you at some point, but none of them ever made you cry or feel stressed out for even a day! I know this Casper kid is better to you these days but I want you to remember who makes you feel good and not worried, who always treats you well and accepts you just the way you are. Your good friends don't say bad things about you, they protect you and stand up for you. And Ethan is sort of telling you not to trust him, right? Because Ethan wants to protect you, right?

You're wonderful just the way you are and I love you! But we still have to try to get better and do better, everyday, okay...? Now try to think of something else like Inside Out. Do you remember what all the colors stood for? Gold was Joy... Green was disgust... was there red...?

2 weepy kids at bedtime over 2 different big things.

Hubby upset and I'm upset as we kiss them goodnight.

Who can stand to see their kids struggle? I have bent backwards for Belac. With Jake, though, I blame myself for not giving him enough attention. 

growth hormone

Olivia's plate of love

An hour long consult. Belac will be in growth hormone treatment for probably 8 years, was the answer to hubby's question. Our mouths fell to the ground. 8 years...?? He's 12, 52 lbs, 0 percent BMI, his bones are 7 years old and he's 4'5" tall. Yes, we understand a lot of growth needs to happen.... His first year will be catch up growth if they can jump start his idiopathic "growth failure"...  My next question, has anyone had difficulties getting this covered by insurance? He clearly qualifies, was the answer, we don't anticipate any problem with coverage.

In a few weeks, a nurse will come by the house and teach me how to give the daily shots. It's just crazy what fears one can overcome for the sake of their child. I am absolutely fine with it.

Full force ahead.

Ice cream

Tears, tears and tears....

YOU MUST NEVER GET IN A CAR WITH ANYONE WITHOUT ADVANCE PERMISSION FROM ME, UNDERSTAND? EVEN IF YOU KNOW THAT PERSON. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'm sorry mom, I'm so sorry! he gulped down tears. We talked at length and I had it out with him. I do not like that kid because he hasn't been nice to you. He can come here but under no circumstances are you to be there or in ANYONE's car.

An hour talk with Kati, followed by discussion with Lulu. They are flabbergasted that Belac ended up in Casper's mom's car, who drove him home from school. I don't know her at all, why would she do such a thing and say it is ok? We live just a few blocks away, there was absolutely no reason for this.

Ethan just called and asked him to ice cream. I pulled Dot aside when she came by. Belac must MUST stay away from this kid, she warned me, I know him to be bad news by listening to the kids talk. Well, I added, the mom is not to be trusted either.

Thanks for taking him to ice cream, it was perfect timing! I hugged her. I don't know when I'm bringing him back, she called over her shoulder. Fine, I laughed, as long as you want.

working from home

ancient family secret

Dr. V,

You are officially family, because I would never share my mother's recipes with an ordinary civilian!

5 cups of flour.... Olivia continued in an email.

Belac ate 3 of her biscuits at dinner, a cupcake of hers for dessert, then 2 more biscuits in the morning and still another cupcake. I was informed that the biscuits were highly, highly caloric.

Thank you, sister!! I replied this morning, knowing she was only half-joking, I will guard the recipe and feed to Belac while thinking of your mom all the while! xx

And that's the truth.

Waiting for options

The 4 of us walked to the corner today after the boys exchanged tricks, Jake with soccerball and Belac, the basketball. Hubby lagged behind and I turned around just in time to catch him taking this pic of us. He is sentimental, too.

Now making an enormous pot of peach tea; we are all addicted to it, freezing cold and slightly sweetened. Hubby on the drive, working on his laptop in the shade. He has never taken a morning like this for an appointment I could not get, first thing in the day. Normally, I would deal with the doctor myself, take copious notes and explain everything to hubby later. In a couple of hours, though, we sit down with the doctor to discuss the results of 3 months of extensive medical testing and Belac's options. Hopefully there will be no bad news. I understand his conditions to be chronic and not life threatening, so there must be interventions available. Hubby most concerned about any treatments exacerbating Belac's heart condition.

He cannot be a 4-1/2 foot, 52 lb. adult male. Life would be hard on top of hard for him. I know there are far worse things, but we just can't let that happen if we can reasonably help it.

real estate

potato salad with dill, parsley, scallions, chicken broth, champagne vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper - the easiest, tastiest potato salad

I met our new Rabbi, yesterday. She has been looking at rentals with a realtor, but the closest place she was shown was a mile away. Not in walking distance of work or town. I bet they were so expensive, too, I didn't say, from looking at her face. I remember how upsetting our search was until we found Charles' house on craigslist at a reasonable monthly rent and in town.

This morning it dawned on me to look on craigslist and zillow. Surely there were owners that weren't bothering with realtors and her realtor probably wasn't looking there for lack of a clear fee. And bingo!! I was so excited to find 2 respectable and decent places listed. One, practically across the street from the synagogue, was the entire 2nd floor of a multi, huge and bright and with central air, washer/dryer and patio, and the other in town, right next to the house we rented. Both places I pass often with the dog and know them to be well-maintained. Personally we could have lived comfortably in either for a year or more and at a price that is much cheaper than renting an entire house.

Recently, I gave Dot my thoughts on a house she was looking at to purchase. I also explained how assessments and taxes are calculated and the process and problems of permits in Sunny Patch. Gimky, she told me, if the music thing doesn't work out, have you thought about real estate? I laughed. She really has no idea the extent of my obsession with finding the perfect multi for an investment and future residence. Maybe I should finally get a license.

star

I caught her looking at my ring. More than once. I don't usually wear jewelry, and certainly not the kind of stuff you really look twice at. Then, finally, she took my hand and looked at it. What is this? It's beautiful!

It's a star ruby.... For our 15th.

It's very you and suits you, she said, studying it up close, it's beautiful, Gimky!

Thank you! I told her, before we moved on to more important and entertaining topics.

She knows me well and is a very dear friend. She was with me when it all began with hubby and just understands and supports me in everything. What did I ever do to deserve such friendship?

V + M + Olivia

Olivia over with the fam. Easy peasy. Belac and her oldest (a first grader) get along so well, with her littlest tagging along. Jake with the adults, and they are always so engaged and interested in things going on with him. They are good like that and we have such an easy, nice time. Reminiscing about the early years, Olivia holding Jake as baby, passing an entire day on September 11 together.... We have a long and strong history together. That was like yesterday! Olivia exclaimed.

She made cupcakes, angel cake with chocolate cream cheese frosting and cake melt initials for each of us. If she didn't play the violin, she'd make a fortune baking treats.

We talked about Inside Out, the movie hubby, me and the boys saw, today. I cried through a good part of it. For anyone who wants to do right by their kids and hopes what they do matters, for anyone wanting a little confirmation that struggle is not for naught and actually necessary in building stronger relationships, and that to be happy one needs sadness... It was unlike any Pixar movie so far, and it could not have come at a more apropos time for me, personally. Go see it! I told her, I think you'll love it.

What a wonderful day.

Evening

Jake was funny, engaging and respectful. He played with the dog. And after Christie left, he asked, how did I do? How did you do? I asked, not knowing what he initially meant. You were great! I heard hubby tell him. I smiled, now understanding. You were so good, Jake! Now tell me, I poked him, how hard was that? HARD, he told me and laughed, of course!!

I had told both boys that they really needed to be on their best behavior. That this was Dad's old boss and it was just so important to behave in ways we'd be proud. Whereas I was a little sad at how unplugged Belac was, who was sometimes humming under his breath and somewhere else, hubby pointed out. Gimky, he was quiet and that's what we wanted, no big scene or incident from him, he did what he was told, he was good! True, true.

Hubby and I played Frank and Rachmaninoff for Christie and she seemed blown away. I don't think she expected a certain level... She left us a sweet message on our bathroom wall. We ate cupcakes she brought from Crumbs. We never sat on the porch I had power washed. She drove to the top of our drive and never saw our front that the kids weeded or the garden I had fixed. But she did hug us over and over again, and made us promise to visit her in Chicago. I like this woman so much, she is tough and snarky and full of heart.

The conversation didn't stop during the 3 hours. She alluded at one point to eating in front of the tv and liking  games, like Jake. That life can be difficult as a single person without kids. That she didn't believe that you - women, especially - could have everything. I told her about little sis preparing to give her eggs to older sis. It made her emotional. 15 years in Greenwich, 1.5 million a year as a high level exec, and snap! She moves to Chicago where her best friend lives. So very sad that it was only work that kept her here. Is that the way to live?

Hopefully we will see eachother again. She has wisdom and wit, why didn't we see her more?

And it's a lesson about what is truly important. Love, companionship... Look for it and keep it if it's good. Every single person deserves this acceptance and appreciation.

Dinner with Christie

Cooking and cleaning. Hubby and I got our messages mixed up, between both of us shopping, we have 16 cobs of corn. Christie is coming for dinner. I think she is awesome, and unlike any of the waspy, preppy executives I have schmoozed with at hubby's company. I have always like chatting it up with her. But we've also never had someone like her come by, first of all, by herself and without a partner to help with socializing. Someone who was a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company, a gazillionaire, who has jet setted all over the world and stayed in the best hotels. Someone who is a recovering alcoholic and gambler - so we're not serving any wine or drinking any alcohol before her.

Still, we all put our pants on one leg at a time - that's some Asian saying - and there is nothing to apologize for. We're having dinner. In 2 days, she flies off to Chicago for good. It's sweet she squeezed us in for a meal. Sort of stressful that we are at home and not in a restaurant, and I am a little concerned about the boys being on their best behavior, but whatever it is will have to be. We'll just go with whatever happens. Sending her off with a little Rachmaninoff and Franck, too.

Hope it's a fun night.

5:38AM
Had a blast!!! Any chance u are around for any of the half days? Ugh. (heart, smiley face)

This is the woman who sent me over the edge, last week. She had come to dinner, last week, after a year of my sort of distancing myself, and so her extreme negativity and guilt provoking behavior really felt like a slap in the face. I forgot how hard she could be to endure. She has a huge, kind heart, but she is someone I had also gotten myself into trouble with before, with her so often asking if her kids could come to me and venting about her inability to cope with all of her troubles. I helped her more than I wanted and felt obligated to simply because I could and because I was reminded over and over how privileged I am. And so at 5:38AM this morning, she was thanking me for the first time for dinner, one week ago, and in the same breath again, asking.

I don't want to be stingy if I can help. Have never been stingy. But I guess it took Belac's woes, medically and emotionally, and also Jake's continued need for sustained support, to realize that my family is priority above all. Number 1, 2 and 3 and on and on. More important than anything professional or social or financial. I really don't have the time and energy to accommodate EVERYone else, and especially to those who don't give back. And for the first time, when I have actually needed some support, it has become clear who my friends are, the ones that truly care and not because they need something from me.... It's Kati, Lulu, Soo, Ella.....

At 6:59 I wrote back:
We have Belac's doctor's appointments and I have my adult students. Everyday I have people or something medical going on. An 11th grader around the corner from me is looking for babysitting work. I can find his number. He's great!!

I could have figured out how to take her kids and I overstated how busy we are, but it's just too much. As of 9am she didn't write to say, thanks, anyway.... Jake and I had plans to shop for graduation clothes and a sleeping bag. Belac wants to be home on the days he's not at the doctor's and Isa and Kati wanted to hang with us at the town pool. I am allowed to spend time with just my boys without feeling bad about it. Why should I feel guilty? Especially when I have been feeling resentful of those asking more and more of me? Again, it's my own fault for creating this dynamic and I have to push the reset button.

The answer is, I'm really sorry I can't help you.

saving

Hubby wrote earlier to tell me what he did. For the second time, he designated a percentage of future income in the next year to go directly into a deferred income account. It means we have that money coming our way at 6 and 12 months only after termination or retirement from his company. Enough now to almost pay our mortgage and taxes in those uncertain months. It never ceases to astonish me, how he prepares for the worst and is so forward thinking.

On the porch, tonight, he explained our finances to me as it stands: 35% to taxes, 30% to savings, 20% to mortgage/housing, and 15% to everything else. I know things could change for us and that most people are not so fortunate. We are obviously lucky for hubby's job that allows us to save. Lucky for his financial discipline and smarts. Also that both of us are not interested much in fancy or material things. Most importantly, the best decision is that we did not buy more house and chose the least expensive of the 3 we saw.

Grateful, am I. Very grateful.

summer!!!

Dear Pianists, Violinists and Parents,

This Sunday is Father's Day and most families are not able to attend performance class. I have decided to cancel class so we may all enjoy our family time as the school year winds down.

I wish you all an interesting and fun-filled summer! And I encourage you all to play occasionally for your families. Maybe take the time this Sunday to play for someone who is celebrating Father's Day or for your family! I hope you always share your hard work and the gift of music with others!

I will be teaching next after Labor Day, a full week after school begins. If your regular time works for you, it is saved. If you need other arrangements or if your situation changes, please feel free to call and discuss and I will try to accommodate. I will be in touch with everyone in August.

All the best and Happy Summer!!

Gimky

*****************************************

Aside from one adult student, I finished teaching the last of my privates, today. The nursery school is done. My concerts are done. What's up?

Making a plan with Belac's doctors on Monday. Painting a couple of rooms in the house and getting rid of stuff. Working on my garden. Reading with Belac, everyday. Learning more piano/violin music with hubby - we've been practicing everyday for 20 minutes before bed, without fail, and it's been a total blast playing for anyone who will listen... Studying Hebrew. Spending time with Sarah. Going to the pool with the boys. Seeing my family, later this summer. 

I just filled out forms for Belac's school trip in October. What will happen if he needs shots, everyday? Will someone be able to give them to him? Or will I have to drive up there every morning? Or could he learn to give them to himself? I have not spoken to Boston at all and am shocked that my boss is not hounding me. I left it at, I need to see how things go with Belac. I think she might know from someone in the group that I need space to figure out my life and what Belac needs.

I already feel such a relief in unplugging from my musical responsibilities and being free of all the trickling in and out of the house. Someone asked about violin lessons for their daughter. I offered a phone call to discuss details and a trial lesson, she suggested chatting over coffee. Really? I mean, really? I cannot continue going down this path where everyone thinks I'm their friend and that I have all the time in the world, when I'm really just their music teacher. It got me in trouble, this year, and I felt seriously burdened. It was my own fault. Clean break and I am starting anew after summer. 

keeping house

not one complaint when I suggested they help with the weeding, they are very good kids!

Mom, Belac plugged his nose on our drive as we walked to the corner, why didn't you fix the garbage?

What do you mean?

Why didn't you get up early and fix it?

Well, why didn't you...?

He looked at me bewildered. Oh...!

This house is all of ours. The garbage is all of ours. Every time someone leaves dirty dishes on the table, leaves clothes on the floor, loses something... it's extra work for me. Think about it. I take care of my own mess. But once someone leaves a cup there, another doesn't clean up, or leaves something out... that's suddenly 5 extra things I feel like someone has left for me to do.

Oh! But I clean up after myself, I put the balls away.

Yes, you do. You and Jake are better, but we could all still get better. And if you see something that's not right, even if it's not your mess, you could take care of it. This house is all of ours.

The drive did stink like something died. It's so bad that the kids won't shoot hoops and hubby I couldn't sit on the drive and chat, last night, our usual evening routine. And you know what, I realize, now taking a break... I am actually pretty domestic.

I got home. Pulled out the leaf blower and blew out the garage and down the whole drive. God, it stank. Then hooked up the hose with some organic plant/people friendly cleanser and power washed the drive and then continued onto the grimy porch I hadn't gotten to. I had to really scrub parts with a brush. Then moved some plants around and pulled some weeds. Nothing looks professionally done, but good enough. At least it looks fairly neat, now.

Sometimes it's just nice to fix very straight forward problems and to have that instant gratification. I also live in a house and have a life far happier, stable and nicer than I could have possibly ever imagined. Good to take care of things.

504

I was in a 504 meeting with School Psychologist, new Guidance Counselor, old Guidance Counselor and School nurse, when 10 minutes into the meeting came an abrupt stop when they saw the strong grades Jake had earned. Basically all year, except for some slip up in 3rd quarter. I then understood why the old Guidance Counselor had been describing Jake as an organizational misfit and painting such a gloomy picture. They might not continue services with those kinds of grades.

I had to explain that his year only looked this way because of the 504 he received, end of last year. That he had Learning Strategies twice a week, preferential seating for class, flexible seating for tests, and redirection by the teacher - tapping on table. That when his Learning Strategies teacher went on maternity leave, his point person, his grades crashed because there was not someone on that end, helping him map out his week and prioritizing assignments. Instead, he was just there studying by himself, not what he needs.

So in a nutshell, he will enter high school with all that he has now on condition that I submit new paperwork from Dr. Ashton. The committee will evaluate after 1st quarter, because it looks like he's doing well. And it sounds like he really wants to do well, which is huge, the new Guidance Counselor remarked. Yes, he really wants it, I confirmed.

I have let go of my focus on Jake getting into advanced classes because I am much more concerned about his being reliable, organized and independent. About being in classes that are right for him. If he can learn to plan out, organize, and take care of what he needs to do, the grades will be where they need to be and he will have developed skills for a life time. With a grade of 85 and above, anyway, he is allowed to take AP courses and exams, and I feel it's those standardized tests that are important indicators to colleges. Better that he learns very well in classes that are at his pace, and all these additional skills without the added pressure. What's better? Jake's 96 in his regular Science compared to what could have been say, an 86 in Physical Science, which Jake will take next year, anyway, and I assume will get high marks in. Not sure that learning material earlier is always better and if it turns out he wants to advance, I'll sign him up for summer courses at WCC or Manhattanville College. There are other ways to excel if the motivation is there, and I feel that we've been lucky that Jake's motivation remains intact. He really wants to do well and the right thing.

It was a good meeting. Very civil and reasoned. I'm cautiously hopeful for Jake and very proud of him. He makes the effort and is a great kid.

the package

A couple of weeks ago we went to Connecticut to visit our friends. Waze took us down an unfamiliar route, and we drove through towns with beautiful homes on country lanes. Pretty as it all looked, I could never ever live like that. The houses were on 2 acres or more of manicured grass and not farmland, you couldn't walk anywhere, and life just appeared so untouchable, lonely and isolating.

Our life would be immensely different, as would be the kids' ability to be more independent. They walk to school, town, shul and friends'. They walk the dog around. They make note of the weather when they step out in the mornings. And we just save so much time by rarely needing to get into the car. They can go days without getting into a car.

Our friends have 3 kids, two are in private school, each at over 30K a year. Each kid goes to a different school and there is a stressful scramble every morning. Another nanny just left them in a lurch. Our friends put in very long hours to afford their lives.  Of course I worry about my boys getting what they need, academically, to be successful. But I wouldn't touch our friends' lives with a 10 foot pole. There is the bigger picture and pluses and minuses to everything. Our kids are in public school, for better and worse. They have me, most of the time, also for better and worse! It's up to hubby and me to be very involved with the kids and to push them, in a way no one else will. I value our efficient and manageable lifestyle. We need to always make the best of it.

RSVP

I was just cordially invited to an end of the year ceremony in honor of students who have shown "excellence in Behavior, Academics, and/or Overall Performance."

She is 18. Lots of kids are 'graduating' and leaving. She is not leaving, with no family to go home to, but will be recognized.

I replied to the school with an RSVP. I will be there.

gift

Gift from hubby, a ruby ring on our 15th anniversary.

And when you look closely enough, and the light catches just right, you can find the star. It travels and is mostly faint except during a fleeting moment, a nice life metaphor for sure. It's a star ruby and just very pretty.

Looks like a grape dum dum that's already been licked, right? Good enough to eat. Makes me smile.

private

Jake just told me that 3 of his 4 good buddies at school are going to private school, next year.

WHAT...???

None are even wealthy, at least as far as I have seen. I'm blown away and don't know what to think.

Jake is the one I have wondered about regarding private school. But fundamentally, I would regret private school, too. In Westchester, especially, of all places and for so many reasons, not just expense....

Wow. Just, wow.

great grades

Mom, look! Jake pulled up his semester grades on the parent portal to show me. Science: 96, Math: 91, Social Studies: 89, English: 88, French: 87.

Wow, those are great looking grades! I told him, and why do you think that is?

Because I only missed 2 homework assignments all semester.

Yup, I agreed, you gotta get them in. The 0s will sink you! Good job! See if you can squeak by with an A in Social Studies and English, okay? If you can get into Honors English, that would be great for you. Study for those finals!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment at the high school to talk to someone about Jake. I really need someone to help be on top of him and help him organize at school, before he even leaves that building everyday. Kati has told me that 9th grade is much harder. I am going to show them how Jake crashed and burned in the month he had a sub when his point person went on maternity leave. He really needs someone checking in with him on the school's end. And I'm going to have to do what I can on this end, although Jake has been really fabulous on this end of things.

He doesn't know it yet - and Kati agrees with me, having lost control of the technology in her house for her highschooler - but his computer is not going back to his bedroom. It's staying in the dining room.

1st visit

She came right up to me and hugged me, looking at the Subway. Thank you for bringing my favorite food, she looked down at the table in awe. I brought pages to color, she added, I got them from the computer. We ate and chatted, she stuffed her mouth so full, that when she talked food fell out. You color for me, and I color for you, she told me as we got the crayons out.

This last pic, she dictated what colors she wanted. She wanted me to write on it, but he looks scary, I protested. Okay, I relented, but let's make it funny, what is he saying? I want to kill you! What? No. But he's evil, Sarah explained. So I started with "I know I'm bad but I'm going to be good!" Which she didn't approve of at all. He's evil!

Oh come on, I prodded, let's make something up, what is he thinking? I asked and she did not respond. I wrote in a bubble, I want a McFlurry!!!! (what she wants me to bring next week.) I want food!!! she finally said, and then, I want someone to help me be better!

Then I drew her stick figure. I remember that, she told me, from the drawing you made of you and me eating together. What are you going to say? You're here to save the day, Sarah, I told her. I will help you, okay? she suggested and I exclaimed, yay!!  Miss Gimky, write YAY, too, right there. And then I drew myself cheering her on.

We sat on the swings for a few minutes before I left. I looked at the field of kids, as we walked through throngs of them on our way. I the only Asian and she, probably the only white. All big kids, all compromised intellectually or behaviorally in some way, adults mixed in during their recess,  a very tough environment you could see.... 

I had asked the organizer, today. When the kids are discharged, it's a good thing, right? Like her boyfriend? Usually they are being placed or going to their families? Yes, she said, her boyfriend, for example, is going to his family. So, I would like to know.... has Sarah been here so long because she has no place to go to? Or because she truly needs to be here? She stopped and thought about it. I want to say both, but the truth is, she has no place to go to. They really tried to find a placement for her, recognizing this is not ideal, but the truth is, there's no other place she could go to.  Okay, I said, I was just curious. 

20 min

20 min early to lunch with Sarah and now sitting in the parking lot waiting. I had never been to the Subway down the street and wasn't sure how long it would take to pick up food. I didn't want to be late, with less than an hour together.

I feel dismayed about this lunch. It is humongous and the amount of mayo squeezed all over it was out of sight! So is this large regular sprite that looks super duper sized, and there was no diet version of either. I know Subway is healthier than other options, but this is not anywhere near the correct portion size, though I know Sarah is a big girl.... I wouldn't mind picking her up in the mornings instead, sometimes, to walk laps around the pond and then have a bagel at the playground where she can swing. I'm told she likes to swing.

She's 18. I am not changing her life or habits at this late date, but maybe I can help her in some way.

public

Belac tells me that a group of boys always want to high five him. He always high fives one kid and then runs away. Conner - a good kid - always tells him, run away, Belac, run away! and he does. Casper, apparently, is also always on Belac's side. According to Belac, Casper defends him.

Whether this is just a game is unclear. Whether the kids' intentions are nice or not is unclear. Belac doesn't know either, although I have tried to figure it out with him. He doesn't know these kids except by face. Since it seems harmless enough, I haven't really paid much attention except when Belac brings it up occasionally.

And this is really the heart of his disability. Despite being a smart kid, not understanding what exactly is going on, socially. Not being able to intuit people's intentions and just not knowing what to think or do about the situations he sometimes finds himself in. Especially in settings with a lot of kids and commotion.

My neighbor told me, yesterday, that she thought I should get a lawyer and fight the district for private school. I could not disagree more. First of all, to go where? What private school? There are no suitable options nor do I want all of his peers to have special needs. And second, I think the school - though not perfect - has done a very good job being attentive and trying.  He does have good friends there. I know public school can be tough in a way, but he does get plenty of hand holding and attention at home!

Belac plays with younger kids, sometimes, and recognizes himself that sometimes it's easier for him. That's really perfectly okay with me and lucky that he's still small and blends in. He used to not be available to play with anyone and has come such a long way! He is learning. He really doesn't need yet another social skills class with random boys all around some table fulfilling someone's clinical agenda. He needs to be running around the neighborhood playing zombie tag, making up games with a water hose with the others, roaming the cul de sac with scooter, ball, video camera and with kids dropping by, wanting to hang and do something. Getting around Sunny Patch on his own and walking the dog. It's called life. This intense overlap of school, community and home - all in walking distance - is a huge aspect of his life that works in his favor.

Private school is definitely not the answer for Belac.

life

One of hubby's former bosses is coming to dinner on Friday, Christie. I really like her. Since being demoted - essentially fired - 3 months ago, she sold her house and is moving to Chicago. She closes on an apartment just days after dinner here. Snap! Done. Crazy like that.

I've also gotten to know Jake's retina and eye specialists more intimately over the years, who we see every 6 months. Their kids are all in college or newly beyond and we chat. One is hoping that after 8 more years, she can retire on the west coast, where both her boys have jobs. The other is working, working and not there yet.... Though her older one is done, she has her twins that are sophomores. One is at University of Michigan, isn't that like 50k a year now? I didn't ask. She told me, it's been my husband's and my goal to get our kids educated without their taking out loans, but you know? she shrugged, it's very, very hard.

My point is that kids grow up, faster than we want or realize. Time passes ruthlessly. Jake is 9 inches taller than he was 2 years ago, and the mouth on him! He's definitely a teenager....  How we spend time with the kids and how we manage our financial resources is just very critical. Not getting bogged down or distracted too much by the stuff that doesn't matter. 

My garden looks overgrown and crowded and the weeds are everywhere! Ugh, I told hubby, and Christie's coming.... What? It looks plenty good enough! hubby exclaimed. I love this about hubby. He's very down to earth and not the least concerned about impressing others in a certain way. Working hard at his job, aggressively saving money for the boys and our future, exercising everyday and eating well, seeing friends and having people over.... His behavior is a powerful and positive influence on our family life and he is the best role model for our boys.

happy

HI MOM! I heard, guess who came home with me?

HI GIMKY! I heard Ian, from around the corner, I have no homework, can I stay?

I got up from the computer. Yes, just double check with your mom, it's good to see you!

HI MOM! I heard from another door.

HI GIMKY! I heard from Conner, Belac's play date he arranged with specifically someone he doesn't usually hang out with.

I have Hanna coming to supervise the kids while I take Jake to the doctor.

Everyone running around in some kind of laser tag. Jake does not want to go to the doc appointment and wants to play. All he did was study for finals all day at school, he complained, and "my head hurts." Belac asking when Jake will leave, he wants the kids all to himself. Makes sense, they are all his age, however, they are all good friends.

What a fortunate life we have. When my kids are happy, I am happy.

true friend

Kati texted. Did you get the MRI results back?

How was the soccer game? I asked. Just paid almost 1000 in medical bills this morning. It is crazy.

That is crazy! Do you need anything?

No we are good. Sad about Belac. Going out to shop for food soon and forcing myself to get things done.

You looked sad on Friday, even hubby noticed.

I was really upset about that dinner. I really just can't relax around that woman.

I know, she is very intense.

And very negative and angry.

Where are you shopping?

ShopRite.

I will pick you up, I have to shop, too.

pest

The doorbell just rang. The pest company is here to remove all the termite detectors around the house. You know, it's 350 dollars a year for this service we continued from the previous owner. But during our 5 years here, we have cut down dead and dying trees around the house and anything touching it, cleaned off the organic material on the siding, aggressively cut back overgrowth, got rid of all the wood rot in our roof and all around the house, and have a dehumidifier running continuously in the basement/crawlspace....

No termites have been detected here in 5 years and I'm thinking we are relatively safe. I cancelled our contract.

admin

Just spent 90 minutes paying about a dozen bills. There was a Gap bill, 1 month late with a 25$ late fee. Terrible. How did I miss the first bill? And then bills to Quest Labs, this, and that. Time trying to get signed up for the patient portal to pay one particular place. No luck. A 20 minute call to billing to try to pay, and then their system went down. Do they want this $856 or not?

This morning, I am starting new file folders. I swear to be meticulous, this year. Belac will have his own folder. Complete with every single receipt from this insurance year. No more just dumping papers and even duplicates into an overstuffed file folder for the whole family. Every bill now says how it was paid, whether by HSA or the credit card. Keeping track so we can 1) make sure that we aren't guessing when it comes to tax time what was paid or spending 2 hours sorting through a mess of papers, 2) pay ourselves back from our HSA, which we haven't been good about at all because often what we paid out for one appointment far exceeded what was in the account for the month, or you couldn't make 2 withdrawals on the same day (SO DUMB!! You go to the doc and you get a prescription, you go to 2 doctors - it's just so normal to legitimately withdraw twice on one day!!) and in those cases, the HSA card would not go through, so paying ourselves back was thus another step we didn't always follow through on, 3) not making any mistakes about what we need when making our annual insurance selections.

I have given myself until noon to get my file cabinet in order. I am done with the nursery schools in the mornings, and this is item 1 on my TO DO. A laborious under taking, but unless I deal with it I will soon be drowning in papers.

The end of the school year is wrapping up. Two nursery school graduations. Last meetings for the kids, one left. Played last Bat Mitzvah before summer. Last lessons before performance class, next week. Congregational meeting, tomorrow, to vote - who of the poison pen letters will show? And an after hours call from the Endocrinologist, can we meet next week? Let's sit down and discuss options. Wrapping up on a crazy past few months.

It's hard to stay on top of everything. Look at my yard. The weeds have taken over, once again, and looks much more unpresentable than pictured in this land of tidy manicured yards. But you do the best you can and can only shrug. I'm fine with it. I have my priorities.

mile run

Airing out his stinky everyday sneakers/occasional running shoe, not even 3 months old. Track season has ended and I've encouraged him to wear those sneakers as everyday ones, too. Not worth saving them for track, now, because he'll be grown out of them in no time. 

Last fall Jake was tested at school and ran a 6:43 mile. Just got his time for the end of year fitness test, 6:01. During spring track, he was even able to run a mile under 6 minutes. Jake has gotten FAST with no real training. Last week, he woke up tired and ran a 10K after not running at all for over a week. People have urged us to make him train and I think it's something he and hubby should start doing together.

work buddy

Even though work-buddy won the job hubby wanted, over the past 5 years they became close professional colleagues. Confidantes. They bonded over impossible projects and personalities, they helped each other and boosted each other's confidence. Hubby called over lunch. I looked for him and he's not here, he told me, I sent an email to see what's up, and the email bounced back saying he is 'out of the office.'

This is not a day to be out of the office, no matter what the reason, hubby explained.  It's not good, not looking good at all. I was afraid of this. And he is so good at what he does! Very strong! It shouldn't have turned out like this.... Hubby was measured, but I think the now strong possibility that his buddy was actually let go, a strong performer, was kind of freaking him out despite it not being a total surprise. 

Okay, see you tonight, hubby told me. I will need to go for a run before dinner, he warned me. No problem, no problem at all, it's okay.

15

Hubby kissed me good bye, this morning.

I hope you don't come home til late, today! I told him. He chuckled, knowingly.

It is D-Day at work. 15% of the office is being laid off. I had asked hubby, last night, what he really thought his chances were. He told me that anything could happen, but that he would be shocked if he were let go. He had thought it through. The analysis he provides would not be easily replaceable. It would require 2 specific more senior people to go over numbers together, and there was also no one below hubby to rise up with enough analytical ability or credibility to cover him. They are numbers and analysis that go to senior leadership. He believe he's safe, for now. With a .01 percent chance of being let go.

That said, I noticed work buddy was not on a call, last night. And now I am actually certain that he's being let go. Certain. 5 years ago, when my boss was let go, she received an email the night before to be at the office at 7:30am. And I bet, I bet there was a courtesy call to work buddy.... It's terrible, actually, after all the blood and sweat to successfully roll out that impossible program! But there's not enough work now to justify his position.... The very position hubby wanted several years ago and lost to this guy.

It's also our anniversary, today. 15 years.

It's 9:50am and I've received no phone call from hubby. I haven't been worried about it, but still it is a good sign.

I'm grateful and we are very, very lucky.

birthday

When I had my birthday in the 4th grade, I told the class my mom was going to bring a treat. As the day progressed and there was no treat that showed up, I called my mom from the office. Can you bring a treat for my class? Maybe it was an immigrant thing and she didn't think of it. I'm sure she had to run out and get something and was unaccustomed to this foreign tradition. Anyway, at the very end of the day, 2 boxes of Twinkies had showed up, and I could proudly pass one out to each student.

Another birthday, I remember asking my mom if she could bring something to school for my birthday. Maybe it was that same birthday, I don't recall now. And I remember asking as she was shutting the garage door behind me, and I had had the courage, at the last possible moment, to ask before I headed off to the school bus.

Kids need to feel special and loved. It's hard and humiliating in a way to have to ask. I knew that even as a 4th grader. And we can all say that Sarah is anxious and special needs and rigid, and throw all of her behaviors under that umbrella. But this behavior is also because she doesn't trust or have experience that people will do something or remember or think of her without being asked. She hasn't had unconditional love in her life.

How is this right? I am just so dismayed and upset by how it came to be that this girl spent 9 years living in an institution after a lifetime of abuse. And if no one does something about it and pushes her out into the community, the skills she has and her capabilities will all go to total waste.

Sarah

The organizer continued on with the rules. All Sarah wanted was to talk to me.

Are you going to be here on my birthday?

When is your birthday?

December 29.

Ugh. That is the worst birthday to have when your family is an institution. I'm never in NY on December 29, I'm in Canada. And all the people around her just want to be with their own families and thinking about parties and time off.

It's far away and I'll have to check if I can come, I told her, but we will definitely celebrate your birthday!

Okay, but I will need a birthday present. Because it's my birthday, it's a special day.

Absolutely!

After she ran off upset, the caseworker came in and asked what happened, the social worker, the organizer and I had a chat. I noticed that the social worker said she couldn't read well, and pointed out that the book Sarah read to me was essentially a child's book. I nodded, but it was clearly an advanced child's book I didn't say, for fear of sounding like I was correcting her. It was advanced enough that I now knew that when I was gone in August, I could send her post cards and she'd be able to read them. Advanced enough that she could read herself, a letter I already penned in my head, to assure her I'd be there on Tuesday.

The amount of rules and restrictions, I know are necessary. But they should have just let us be for a few minutes. This girl was so excited. Told to listen to the rules, but turning to me all the time to look me up and down. Understandable. She pulled off a book from the shelf and read it aloud next to me, drowning out the organizer's rules, pointing to different animals, asking, isn't that cute? To them it was inappropriate and they politely waited. For me, it was her trying to be with me already and showing me that she could read -something I had asked all of them on multiple occasions if she could do and at what level and they all weren't sure - and here she was, reading this book and showing me herself. Intellectually she is "just" in 2nd grade. But a 2nd grader is capable of a lot!

I look at Soo's son, who will never read or do math. His IQ is 40. There's an ocean wide difference between the two. If Brian could read remotely like this and argue with his words - even with skewed reasoning, his prospects and Soo's life would be much, much different. But he's not capable and acts out physically instead, while still benefitting from so much support and stability of a home life and parents who are trying to figure out his future. If Sarah had been born to the woman, whose girl is at the Y for Aerobics and then bags groceries at Whole Foods, her emotional well being would not look the way it does. I see how that mom talks to her daughter, who is not visibly responsive. (Sarah is very responsive.) Have a good day, okay, Sweetie? You have a great day planned, seeing so and so tonight! Not visibly responsive, not as appreciative as she should be for the mountains everyone is moving around her, but still, the love of a parent makes a huge difference. This girl, her daughter, is out in the community.

I am not capable of adopting Sarah. I have assured hubby I can't do it, despite all of my crazy ideas. But I also know, if not someone like me, who would? And this is what sort of tears me up inside. She is 18 and should be at Walgreen's, walking distance from the school, stocking shelves! She should know how to make herself a sandwich and how to pay for stuff. She should be in a social group in White Plains on Saturday nights, for special needs kids between 18-21, but she needs a parent to enroll her. She shouldn't be stuck on that campus like that, sitting in a classroom. Because from there, she will go to a special needs group home and do much of the same. Just existing. That's why she wanted me to herself, this girl wants to spread her wings and not be hyper supervised. She craves something new and stimulating, now is the time! I'm a grown woman, she cried, her one and only advocate.

She is totally smarter than they all think. Obviously, I can't stop thinking about all this....

meeting

Our meeting began splendidly and ended so badly.

In our last moments, she was crying. Wanted 4 questions with me instead of 2. Wanted more time with me. Wanted no supervision with me. And even though I was unfazed and didn't need anyone apologizing to me when she left the room abruptly. I understood, I really understood. Despite my good front, though, I was overwhelmed with sadness.

She had arrived and was hungry. She told me she wanted to have lunch with me. What was her favorite food? Subway. What's your favorite sandwich? Baloney. With lettuce and tomato and mayo. On a long, regular "5 foot" roll. Okay, how about I bring this on Tuesday? She nodded. And a large sprite! I smiled, I got it!  Then the organizer kept trying to continue. Sarah leaned over to whisper in my ear. With American Cheese, I forgot! I laughed and smiled back and nodded.

When are you coming? Next Tuesday. The very next Tuesday? Yes. Tuesday of this week? Today is Tuesday, I'm coming back next Tuesday. Next Tuesday? Yes. And I'm bringing a baloney foot long sandwich with regular bread, tomato, lettuce, mayo and American cheese, with a large sprite with ice, right? Right. And you are meeting me in the cafeteria next to such and such a place near such and such a place at such and such a time...? I'm meeting you HERE, the only place I know where to get to, and you will show me around, okay? Okay, on Tuesday? The next Tuesday? On Tuesday, the next Tuesday....

Can you bring me a balloon on Friday? I am leaving on Friday to see my sister. She graduated from RTC. I want to bring her a balloon with Congratulations and a card. Sarah, I'm going to be here on Tuesday, could you ask the person who is bringing you? What about the card? Can you draw? I asked. How about drawing your sister a card, that would be so nice! Do you have paper? Can you give it to me now? I want to make her a card now!

Despite all of the adults apologizing for everything, including her leaving on a bad note to go see her therapist because she was so upset, I was unfazed. I did not have big expectations right away. And you know what? Here is what really made me emotional and overwhelmed with sadness.

Despite being IQ 85 of under, there is some of her behavior that is not that much different from my Belac's, who is in the above average range. She wanted to know that everything was going to happen as planned, no surprises. But. But. Her tendencies were made all the worse, worse, because she has no mother, no father, no anything consistent to rely on. Her boyfriend is being discharged, her therapist was leaving this summer.... Would I really bring her a sub sandwich? Just the way she liked it, at the time I said I would? Would someone really help her buy something for her sister to give her? This is not just about her past life with parents who abused her. It's also about an institution, a good one at that, that provides but seriously? No one loves her. LOVES her and loses it and pulls their hair out to try to make sure she fucking makes it. No one is staying up at night plotting, brainstorming, wondering how in the hell she's going to exist in this world.They are doing a job, and even if they are good their job, it's still a job.

Hubby was emotional when I told him about the 90 minutes. We have a glimpse of how it might have been for Belac, he mused. If we were divorced, or one of us died, or if we were just incompetent and couldn't deal, this is where he'd be at, under those circumstances....  And this is what I was thinking, too. Everyone was perfectly fine and great at their job from an arm's length, until I envisioned Belac in Sarah's place. And then I was very, very upset. I did not expect to feel so overwhelmed with sadness for this girl. I found out she is 18, and was relinquished into the system at 9 and to this school after she suffered outrageous abuse at the hands of her parents. And then they could find no one to adopt her. It is utterly the saddest thing I've ever heard.

6:57am

you are not crazy thinking we should not all fly together -- when hubby and his brother were old enough - they flew separately from their parents. On our next trip - we all plan to fly separately. A huge thanks to you and hubby - it's good to have a plan and let's hope it won't ever need to be executed!! we would totally do the same for you! And when you get it - plan for the absolute worst case scenario. See you at Hmart next week! xo

stretch

You know, Belac, I'm so proud of you.

Yup, he said, Math is my easiest subject.

It's going to be different, next year, though. Because you aren't going to have anyone in the class with you, helping you pay attention. So if it doesn't work out, it's not because you can't handle the work. It will be because you need a smaller class still.

Mom, you know why I'm 'the man' ? That's what the other kids say in my class.

Why?

Because the other kids are dumb.

Really? You think Conner is dumb?

Well, no. But only him. No one else in my class cares about their grades.

Really?

Yeah, they think it's cool to not care.

Do you care?

Yes.

Good, I knew that. Because I'm going to tell you something. When you care about doing a good job and the best job you can, it helps you with everything! Not just getting into a good college and getting a good job. It's also about being a good husband and friend, a good dad and role model for your own kids, one day....  It's important to care, even if what you need to do is hard. It really matters.

Mom, am I going to be in advanced math?

Well... if you can hang on in the regular class, we'll talk about it. Your math scores have been amazing and out of sight, they showed us! But there's more to math class than just math. You need to be able to pay attention and follow along, independently. Control your anxiety if you don't understand something and to be okay with not getting help immediately. You'll sort of need to blend in... So best to start in the regular math class, okay? And let's see how it goes, okay?

And then we were at the corner, already, where he let me kiss and hug him good bye. He's still little at heart, Jake would never let me do that.

I've had hundreds of chats with the boys on that easy stretch between our house and the corner. It's 2-3 undistracted minutes together, most mornings, and by necessity light and efficient. The kids tell me stuff and I listen, and with Belac, I'm mostly encouraging him and framing his situation positively. You can squeeze a lot of substance in 2-3 minutes and I am forever grateful for these mornings!

It is the very best part of my day and I wish I could bottle it up. Years from now I'm going to want these precious moments back again.