Two

The Laurentians of Quebec 8/2012

Hiked up La Reserve with the boys and 2 nephews. It was a gorgeous and sticky day and I was impressed my nephews made it up so easily. They had never been on such a long hike. Brought them putt putting afterwards. Home for late lunch and then the mayhem started. My 3 nephews and niece, all siblings, are quite the bunch. They don't talk, they scream. They are very physical and someone is always crying or fighting. I am pretty tolerant of less than stellar behavior. But what makes this particular situation unbearable at times is the parents' consistent lack of intervention. Nor are they preventative or proactive. The kids run the show. I have come to accept the way it is with this particular family and simply remove myself when necessary. Over the course of this month, we will eventually spend time under this roof with each of hubby's siblings and their families. Our parenting styles are all so very different. Interesting how this effects the relationships among the adults.

This afternoon, Jake told me he couldn't stand the screaming and jumping on the couch while watching the Olympics. After repeated attempts to get my niece to jump somewhere else, I suggested that Jake just go upstairs and read. Now boys are in the bath. They are playing with bubbles and singing the alphabet and happy birthday backwards and laughing. I'm sitting on the bathroom counter with iPad. Our little sanctuary away from the continuing mayhem downstairs.

I sometimes joke that I have 3 boys, counting hubby. Or I joke that Belac is actually two kids. But the truth is I have just two and thank God. Hubby is back at work in the states and I am on my own for a few days. So far so good. How did I want or ever once think we could handle or afford more than two? I am content and grateful for my two.

finishing up

Hubby just drove off with Jake and the dog. It's the first time Jake will ride in the front seat to the Laurentians after a lifetime of sitting in the back. Bye mom, he told me as he got out of the car to hug me.  I love you so much! I told him as I kissed him on the top of his head and hugged him a long time. Take care of each other and don't let dad use the phone while he's driving. I authorize you to be in charge of his phone!

My neighbor around the corner, a Scandinavian. She has a very sweet and balanced relationship with her boys, high school and middle school. She always hugs and kisses them good bye and hello in the most natural, beautiful way. "I always tell my boys that they should never be ashamed of affection," she told me once, "I know it's not very American behavior, but I grew up this way and that's just the way it is in our family."  I grew up in a household where no one ever said I love you or hugged and kissed each other. I learn from her. I've learned from hubby, too.

The windows didn't come today. They wanted to come Saturday instead, but I told them let's just do it in September. I'm not missing summertime with family over windows. Hubby cannot be with us except on the wknds. Someone just arrived to finish up the the mud room. The black chalkboard paint on a wall has turned out quite black. I should have gone to Hudson Paint in Brooklyn to buy the grey. What's on the walls is whatever was local and leftover paint from other rooms, and it's fine. I'm not complaining! Still have so much laundry. All the packing. Fridge cleaning, garbage. But tomorrow I go to the country for 5 weeks and see my family. Maybe (probably) they will drive me crazy at times, but I am so so happy.

the scramble

I am leaving with the kids for 5 weeks to Michigan and Canada. Hubby leaves first with Jake tomorrow and there is a mad scramble to get things done. Doctor, ortho, retina, ophthalmologist appointments... the last two completed this morning. A mudroom that I am pushing to be finished by Thursday. Some windows that are supposed to be replaced tomorrow. Seeing my 3 summer students for their last lessons... I hope to pick Belac up from camp on Friday and continue driving north.

Yesterday, a mom took me to get a mani and pedi as a thank you for helping her with her kids all year. I took the 3 of them in after school sometimes because she had babysitting problems.... We are the most unlikely friends but I just love her. She is a tough talking broad from Queens with a big heart. She chose orange with a silver/turquoise design for her toes, silver for her fingers. Me, subdued rose for the toes, clear pink for my short nails. Her hubby has tattoos all over his entire body and is a gym-a-holic who I swear does not have an ounce of fat on him. Funny thing is, he is also a complete sweetheart and builds pianos. They coach all the kids' teams and are sports maniacs. And there we were, yesterday, sipping Starbucks, waiting for my car's oil change, and suddenly we were talking about our kids and I started to cry. I worry about Jake. I worry that he is unconfident. And I pretty much blame myself. My friend told me I was crazy and I rolled my eyes and weeped. I could see she had tears in her eyes and tried not to cry. She came from a home with alcoholic parents, herself. I stay home more than anyone and it seems like my kids still need the most of anyone, I told her. My mom did nothing and my sisters and I all turned out strong and independent and happy. I worry about my kids. I am worried about Jake. I'm doing something wrong, I know I am.

Never mind your kids who are good kids and will turn out fine, she said after a while, have you ever thought of getting yourself a therapist?

I burst out in laughter. Oh My God!

What? she laughed, what's so funny...?

Found out this morning that Jake's eyes got worse this time. -7.5 in his right eye, -12. in his left. He has always had serious myopia but it had been stable for several years. He grew 3 inches, though, in the last year and he had a lot more homework this year. Can we do eye exercises? I asked. The doctor told me that what Jake needs is 3 hours of aerobic exercise weekly and as much time outside as possible. There are a lot of recent studies out there (from Asia, the land of near-sightedness) that show time spent outside helps curb the development/progression of myopia. UV exposure, looking at the horizon...etc.  All good things with good side benefits.

We are soon off to Canada, to the great outdoors. Days under the big blue sky, hiking, swimming, reading.... Jake's eyes are going to be in heaven!

Lego Day 2

Belac 7/2012

Mom, I think I did pretty good today, Belac told me right away.

Yes, agreed the Director, it's very true! 

Yay! I looked at his card. I laughed to see the tiny x in the morning about (not) using a nice voice. I loved seeing his own assessment and he looked so much happier today.

Guess what this means? I exclaimed as we went to the car.

It means I get to go to the toy store to get my Lego kit early!! he jumped up and down.

Yes, it does. These past weeks, Belac listened to, read aloud and took quizzes on 18 short books. We agreed that if he finished these 3 activities of every book at his reading level (intermediate 2nd grade, he's going into 4th grade), he would earn the Flo's V8 Cafe lego kit. It ended up being hugely motivating. He read every single day with the help of this incredible internet reading program (raz-kids.com) even waking up at 6am yesterday to finish the last tasks of the entire level. I was going to give him the kit on Friday, at the beginning of our trip, but decided he could receive it early if he had a better day at camp today. And now, if he keeps up the good behavior, I won't take any of its pieces away before the end of the week.

Holy Moly! I exclaimed at the register, I thought this lego kit was 40 dollars! We should have bought it on the internet...  Belac looked at the numbers, Oh My God! he exclaimed. His eyes almost popped out to see $69.99. He kept staring at the price tag without a word. It's okay, Belac, I told him, I promised and you earned it.

self monitoring

Belac 7/2012

I asked Belac if he thought we should make a tally card to record his good behavior, today. I pointed out, you can be your own shadow and keep track of how you're doing. Above is the card he made and I think it's perfect. He will give himself little check marks whenever he practices 3 good habits.

I just have to be a little better, right? Belac asked me at breakfast. Yes. I'm not asking you to be perfect, but I am asking you to really try to behave better. And you know why, right? I asked. He was quiet. Because you want kids to like you and want to be your friend. It's no fun to sit next to someone who is whiny and losing their patience all of the time. It's no fun for the teacher either. You are a smart good kid and I know you can behave better today. I know you can make it easier for people to like you.

A couple months back I read about a study of 3 groups of smokers. The control group continued smoking as usual, another had some sort of medical intervention, and a third group was instructed to simply count the cigarettes smoked per day. Would you believe it was the group that counted cigarettes that was the quickest to change their behavior for the better? And that this self-monitoring proved to be one of the most effective ways to quit? Awareness (an objective look at your own behavior) counts for so much.

Can you do it? I looked right into his eyes.

I think so, he told me, looking back and then down.

That's my boy! 

his day

He was impatient and upset whenever anything he programmed didn't work perfectly. Whining and almost crying, disrupting the peace. Not listening well with the heightened emotion, which means probably not listening at all considering it's already a challenge. Apparently it got better as the day progressed. His last teacher of the day is a school teacher and knew exactly what to do with him. I gave him permission to be very direct with Belac. He gave me the language he used with Belac to reinforce at home. I spoke with the director on the way out. Wow, she told me, your sons really look the same but they are totally different personality wise. Yes, I laughed, they really are. This one is rigid and a perfectionist, I commented. I have one of those myself, she told me.

Can we not talk about this anymore? he told me on the way home. We have to talk about this, Belac. You have to remember how to behave or you're not going to make it through the week. We have to talk about it.... Okay, he said later, tomorrow I'm going to try to do better. Good! I told him. Mom!! He continued on excitedly and more light-heartedly, you know why Lego Mindstorm is so cool....???

I listened to him yack about Lego all of the way home. I want my kids talking about their problems and I want to react in such a way that encourages them to talk. I have to figure out how not to lecture so my boys won't turn their ears off.... The other day I caught a snippet of an interview on NPR. They asked an expert about the common personalities of mass murderers - in light of the horrible movie shooting. One of the things that stuck with me is the social isolation of these mostly men before they acted out. It's like you need to have contact with others and the outside world in order to get a regular reality check. Otherwise you can be too much in your own despair and world to be able to look at something objectively before exploding outwardly.

We need to encourage our boys to speak up and out and to ask for help when necessary. I keep telling Jake. It's not a weakness, it's a strength. Face up to the challenges.

the power of lego

Dropped Belac at his first day of Lego Robotics. Helped him find his room. Said hello to the Director. She was busy. I wanted to just pull her aside and tell her to call if there was anything. To casually mention that he sometimes needs to be redirected. The teacher said hello to Belac and he responded in kind without looking. I would have loved a word with the teacher, too. But he was also in the thick of getting everything and everyone situated. Belac found a seat in front of a computer. He had been looking forward to this for weeks and popped out of bed this morning so excited for this day to begin. I kissed him and reminded him to use his words. There was to be absolutely no screaming or crying or whining. This was a place for the 'big' boys, I told him. I lingered on as long as I could before realizing that I was the only one. It was time for me to leave.

Last February, I told the Director in vague terms that one of my kids had "poor attention" but was very motivated in this area. She was not phased and we left it at that.  And now I have sent him to a camp without extra support in place nor a detailed letter about his tendencies. First time. I have no idea what will happen. Can he rise to the occasion? Or will they need to stick a teenager next to him? Should I have spelled it all out for them? I am curious and hopeful about his day.

the house

Your house is the house, Dot sighed and leaned back. I looked at her questioningly. Our house has endless issues and everyone in present company had houses that were picture perfect and 'done.'  It's the place where people come and go and want to go, she clarified, I always have a good feeling being here. I smiled. Well, thank you! You didn't just make my day, you made my life, I laughed.

We were all out on our porch after meeting up here over bagels and coffee. Our Clearwater friends, Kiki and Robin, were entertaining us with their stories and brought veggies from their garden. All our boys inside goofing around. And then hubby's college-aged cousins showed up from the city unannounced. One rummaged around the fridge and made himself a sandwich....

I didn't have a home like this growing up. A place where people could hang out and linger willingly.... I had to make a home like this initially for Belac, who I was afraid of being isolated, and then it became even more important for Jake. A place that welcomes everybody. 

So lucky for the house. 

good to care

Oh my God, the tiler told me as he worked, Calvin has his head up my ass!! I have done this before you know, since when does he behave this way??? I laughed. This tiler owns his own company and is very busy. He has worked on hundreds of projects with Calvin. And I now realized what was going on.

You see? Kati is my very good friend and her husband is Calvin's very good friend. Of course it matters more than usual that everyone is happy. Last Sunday, Kati's husband came by for dinner and got to see his friend's work in progress, and he's going to continue seeing it up close for years to come....

It's good to care.

Yesterday, I picked up Lily and her brother, and we zoomed down with Belac to watch Jake in his camp end circus show.  I saw Jake do a spectacular throw with his diablo and he did very well on his stilts, hubby and I were so proud.... Returning the kids, I saw that Lily's mom was freshly showered and had changed into nicer than normal clothes. She really is a beauty. And not because she wears fancy clothes. She just knows how to dress herself and emphasize her assets. And most importantly, she is fit. I often see her running, mowing the lawn herself... she is physically active.  And now they were all off to meet the dad and frankly, she looked stunning. I found this gesture sweet.

When my dad came home at the end of the day, my mom was probably in bed. When my dad left for work in the mornings, my mom was definitely in bed. Making herself more lovable or appealing was the farthest thing from her mind. She was heavy and bitter with the world and had obviously given up. Loving and respecting her was a duty. She was our mother and wife.

It's good to care.

full circle

Hubby tried to move out of his current position and into another, almost 3 years ago. He wanted to be in another part of the company, away from the hostile antics of his current head honcho. It's not unusual to move around from within and this had certainly been hubby's experience. But this time, hubby could not get this position he so wanted and was thoroughly disappointed for months. Part of the problem, he later discovered, was that they couldn't easily replace hubby in his current position. Better to leave hubby where he was and do an outside hire for the other position.

So it's interesting. Over the past years, hubby and Lupe - the new hire - have become friendly. Hubby initially helped Lupe a lot in getting up to speed in what was a new industry for him. Lupe and his family moved from California for this job and within the first year, bought a house near the water that cost more than twice as much as ours. It was astonishing, frankly. But then Lupe quickly proceeded to discover - and then confide in hubby - how much he truly hated this job. He could do no right and the project during his tenure became a huge expensive mess. I can't look for another job because I'm overwhelmed and too busy, he lamented, I HATE THIS JOB!

Everyday hubby arrives work around 7:30am, one of the first to arrive. However, everyday Lupe's car is already there in the front row of the lot. Everyday hubby leaves work around 7, one of the last to leave. And without fail, Lupe's car is still there. Hubby now has a new bike rack permanently affixed to his Honda, which often sits next to Lupe's BMW. Wow, Lupe asked, how do you have the time?

Lupe is definitely stuck. He has a huge mortgage and lifestyle to maintain, how he does it on his salary I have no idea. Worse, hubby found out that this guy is in significant trouble with his job. There's been mismanagement and missteps by several people including Lupe, but this guy is going to take the fall for all of it.

I feel sorry for him, hubby told me last night. What's going to happen to that job? Who's going to step in and fix everything? Do you think they could have avoided all of these problems if they had hired internally? I asked. Hubby didn't say anything for awhile. I thought he had fallen asleep but then he rolled over to face me. Gimky, I don't want that job.

onwards

A card came from Mrs. Lotto, last week. No doubt a thank you for an end-of-the-year gift card. But I just couldn't bring myself to open it and let this bright green envelope sit on a table. Yesterday, I finally remembered to show Jake the envelope. It's a card from your teacher! I told him. I saw him look at it, even tear off a corner as if to open it.

Then today, as I was tidying up, I noticed the card on the window sill. Still unopened. I don't blame him, I really don't. Onwards.

playing

Lily's here with her brother. The 3 are playing together on the wii. It is the sweetest thing because she really looks out for her little brother. Good job! I hear her say. Do this, she suggested when he had trouble in a game. I see how Belac needs to moderate his voice more and sound more friendly at times. To be more patient and encouraging of others. And this is where as other kids keep maturing and considering others more, I have to prompt Belac to see another person's point of view. To empathize. Belac, can you help Lily's brother? I think he's stuck. Belac, Lily's so nice and helping her brother!

We had lunch. Lily and her brother talked about England and I watched Belac barely listening and not looking. Belac talked, but it wasn't in a way that very easily encouraged interaction....  I just wanted him to look up! Listen! Ask a question and keep the conversation bouncing around! Instead, I was moseying around the kitchen and facilitating and pointing out or expanding on things that someone just said.

That's the thing. He makes progress but others are making progress too. And most of those others are  also kids who started off with a fuller deck of cards.... What would happen if we didn't have the wii? (Lily's family doesn't have the wii so it's a real draw.) Or if I weren't around to entice with a trip to the town pool or to get frozen yogurt? Then what? Where would he be...?

volleying

Geez is it hot. Belac had a tennis lesson at the local courts today. All the instructor did was have him hit ball after ball on the half court, first forehand and then backhand. He needed to hit the ball after it was dropped right before him and he had so much fun counting the number of times his ball flew over the net. Later, they did some drills, throwing the balls at each other while shuffling sideways to the baseline and then back to the net. All of it was so good (and challenging) for him.... Then we spied Lily and her brother in tennis camp. Lily came to the fence and waved hello. Hello!!!! cried Belac. Let's get together for a playdate, ok? I suggested and she nodded.

I didn't know she was in the local tennis camp from 9-11 this week. She was in the 'tot' class with her little brother. I had briefly thought about putting Belac in that same class but then wondered aloud with the instructor about his attention and being afraid of the ball. I watched the class. They weren't doing anything Belac couldn't do and the kids were much younger, so he wouldn't have stuck out so much. They had to know how to deal with kids with short attention spans. And look. Even Lily, much older than everyone else, was in the class.... and her being there would have been very motivating for him.

Last week, we had a play date with a new friend from movie camp. The mom and I talked the entire time. She told me about a leadership conference she had just attended at Wharton. They cited a study of two groups, university students and Marines. A select few from each group were introduced to their teachers as those being most likely to succeed. And succeed they did. And why did they succeed? Because they were smart, you might say, or able to work collaboratively. Maybe they were good communicators. All good answers. But all of that aside, what did these succeeders all have in common? Teachers who had been told that these few were the ones that had what it took to succeed.

You know what that tells me? It tells me that you have to believe that your kid can get there. You can't give up. And how you present your kid to others (especially their teachers) matters. Fine. On the one hand, you need to be honest. I told the teacher today that Belac has attention issues and better to show than talk too much, better to be directive. But on the other hand, I need to shrug and emphasize his strengths before rattling on about his weaknesses. You go with the strengths and lead with the strengths and maybe sometimes that can be enough without going into the rest. I should have kept my mouth shut and signed Belac up for the tennis camp.

really

Yesterday, hubby's cousins helped us take down cubbies in a long hall. I really detested these cubbies because they made a dark hallway cramped and even more dark. The cubbies were also depositories for slop. And now with the mud room halfway done and garbage pick up nearing, it was time to get these things out. Except it was hard. It started off nicely enough with tools. Then karate kicks and a lot of laughs. But we just couldn't destroy the thing enough to carry it around a tight corner and out the front door. The sledgehammer was next, but we had to be careful of the wall. Then there was a trip next door to borrow a saw.  By the time we got it out on the drive, we were all sweaty and dirty. And that's when we all took turns with the sledge hammer to wack the thing to bits and popped open some beers.

Our family was supposed to then meet some friends. There was a music festival nearby and we knew we couldn't bow out of seeing them for the 3rd time in a row. The kids were tired and hot and now playing the wii with their college-aged cousins. Do you want to come with or stay? Stay. Really? Yes. Okay, then. We left some cash for pizza and ice cream. Really? Yes, just go, assured the cousins. And then we were off. It would have been the perfect evening if it were just hubby and me. This couple was seriously getting on my nerves, but that's a story for another day....

Came home after a few hours. The 22 year old was studying at the dining table. They had ordered in chinese. The younger one was on his 5th round of Apples to Apples with both boys and they had obviously been building with blocks. Does Ari really have to go? Jake asked. You're sitting right next to him, why don't you ask him yourself? Ari snickered. He had a brunch in the morning and it was easier to go back to his apartment. Now he had 5 minutes to make it to his train and we zoomed out with his calling a good bye to his brother over his shoulder. It suddenly occurred to me that the brothers hadn't lived in the same city for at least 4 years.... We're throwing some steaks on the grill tomorrow if you want to come for dinner. Okay, he shrugged, I'll probably be back tomorrow.

A few hours ago, there was a wicked thunderstorm. The 22 year old came down and asked Belac if he wanted to hang out with him in his room while he studied. Bring up your perplexus or a book, he suggested. Belac was scared and both he and dog were attached to my hip....

Really, I could get used to this.

windows

I spent 20 minutes looking at photos of home exteriors this morning on Houzz.com. House after house - unless it was modern - had windows with grids. People love their grids so much that they now build windows with grids between panes of glass so they don't have to cleaned or painted. But why? Why opt for them if they're just pretend? The grids, today, only impair one's view. I mean, you wouldn't take a picture with a grid running through the lens would you?


We are replacing our bad windows. The ones that don't open and close properly, the ones that are broken and/or rotted. Whatever we choose will be an improvement, but I don't want the grids. Looking around, though, I'm not able to find a semi-traditional house that doesn't have just plain windows. I'm hesitant. Will our house from 1940 look odd or cheap without the grids? Unlike the rotting shutters I hauled to the curb, it's not a decision I am able to go back and change....


Just took another good look at the contract and saw that we'd save 40 dollars a window without the grids. Had no idea they cost extra. And how ridiculous is that! Of course I'm not buying the grids!

early to bed, early to rise

"DAD! I'M COMING!!" I heard Belac call out like it was an emergency when he heard the front door ding when it opened. I looked at the clock, it was 5:15 am. Hubby was heading out for a bike ride and getting ready. The agreement was, if Belac was up at this hour, he could join on his tag-a-long wheel. They'd do a 20 mile ride and stop for breakfast at McDonald's. That crazy kid.

Last night, I was calling the boys in for dinner. Belac was hiding in the trees, in his 'secret hideout' but I didn't know it. He was quiet and not coming. I went next door and inside. Is Belac here? 5-10 minutes of this. And then I heard him call for me. And for that he was going to be sent to bed early. There were tears and negotiating for a second chance throughout dinner. This was your second chance, I reminded him. You did this exact same thing in Montreal. Remember? When you were on the side of the house and pretending to be invisible?

I'm getting up at 5:30! he exclaimed as if to threaten me. Hubby remarked, good! You'll come on a bike ride with me! I'm getting up at 4:30! he then exclaimed. How about 3:30? I suggested and laughed. I know! 2:30 is even better!! I teased. Belac, Jake tried to explain, you know that mom would actually get more mad if you told her you were going to get up at 10? But I'll be very late to camp, he explained. Exactly, said Jake.

Belac was thrilled about the prospect of a bike ride at 5:30 am with breakfast at McDonald's. But not for the reason you might think. Both boys have been offered to tag along hundreds of times at that hour. That's not a punishment at all! he told us. I rolled my eyes at hubby. If he got up early it wouldn't completely feel like a punishment because he stayed the same amount of time in bed, was the logic swirling in his head. But that didn't mean he really wanted to go to bed early. Mom, he remembered and began again with a whiny voice, can I please, please, please stay up a little longer?  One more chance? Just one more chance? He was weeping and wiping his eyes.

Do you need a hug? I pulled him onto my lap and hugged him and kissed him. Next time I call for you, you need to make a noise. You can't be hiding like that when I'm yelling for you over and over.  It's not okay to 'forget' and it's definitely not funny. That's why you're going to bed early, so you'll really remember next time. I bet you're going to remember next time.... he nodded as he wiped tears from his eyes. So off to bed you go. 

taking care

This last trip, I learned that friends in Montreal bought a 2 BR condo. They don't have that kind of money, having just become first time home owners on their own place. But Mary's dad died, last year, leaving an inheritance. It was enough to make a down payment on a place, where wife's sister now lives. The husband also began employing Mary's sister as an office worker at his firm. Amazing, because the sister doesn't manage her time well. She doesn't reliably act appropriately. She could never previously hold down a job successfully. It's unclear whether she ever graduated from a program post high school.... When over at their house, it takes her 30 minutes to cut a few vegetables. She could be pretty, but her hygiene and style are not the best. But my friend pays her by the hour, anyway, so she can pay her portion of rent on the condo and have something to exist on. There's also a room mate that splits their costs.

Now. Mary is unexpectedly her sister's care taker and looking for help and a diagnosis. She now realizes to what extent her father shielded the sister, paying her bills, pushing her ahead, protecting her as she barely got by in ways.... and perhaps both parents denying all along that there was anything serious and believing sister would outgrow whatever it was.

It's amazing. My friends are doing for a sister what usually a parent does for her child. Except they have been thrown into this without any preparation and forewarning. Mary and hubby both have full-time jobs and a daughter. They've already done so much for the sister. But to make sure that things will be okay going forward, which may imply for my friend's sanity that they find her another work option, will take a lot. There's no way around it. It's going to take serious planning.

oh my God

This is the saddest, saddest story I have ever read. It's a story about being at wits end. It's a story about not getting enough support when our kids become adults. I want to cry for them.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/10/us/mother-abandons-disabled-daughter/index.html?hpt=us_c2

drip

With the ceiling open in the new mud room, you can clearly see water damage from the bathroom above. To the extent that one of the floor boards up there is partially rotted. Now with the thick plaster of the closets gone and much thinner sheetrock going up, we will see any leaking much more easily (and when it's too late.) It feels dry, right? So it's an old problem? I did briefly wonder if we need to stop showering up there until we can deal with the bathroom wall and plumbing, probably rotting behind the old tile....

And this morning I got my answer. Hubby nudged me at 6:30 as he was leaving the house. Gimky? We are going to have to fix the bathroom. I took a shower and now there is a puddle in the mud room.... What??

And that is this house for you.

rich

Picked up a light fixture from Home Depot. Roaming the packed aisles, I suddenly recalled the kinds of things my friend and I both loaded up of theirs for charity and threw out. It was so... wasteful. Hundreds of stuffed animals that went in the trash and she still had a hard time parting with them. Expensive doll stuff and toys, tons of random knick knacks, Cuisinart pans (I took them all), coolers, luggage, construction materials, just so much stuff and more stuff.... She showed me a dessert book I gave her for her wedding 15 years ago, good as new. Throw it out!! I ordered. She threw it into the keep pile. Leave me alone, she shrugged as I laughed in horror. Came across a box filled with crystal trinkets meant to hang off a chandelier, maybe? What it was exactly for, we had no idea. But because it was in a Baccarat box, she wouldn't part with it. Really? We were in the process of throwing out and giving away thousands and thousands of dollars worth of stuff, and yet she was keeping this meaningless Baccarat?

It was an astonishing experience. My friends are high performers and well educated. They are far from being in debt, a huge and great thing, but that certainly doesn't mean that they're spending their money responsibly. In a way, they have the same problem as people who are living in bad debt. The ones who have no business buying unnecessary stuff and live beyond their means but who continue to have packages coming to their door anyway. It's that few seconds of excitement in having the next new and novel thing. It's the security of having all this stuff for just in case. But it's all a fleeting distraction from the real problem at hand, right? When you think about it, what is that high making up for? And stuff to take care of always causes more stress and time suck than real security, trust me. Maybe filling that void with something real needs to be the focus....

The other day, Jake asked my husband how much our house cost and how much money we have saved up. I cringed when hubby chose to disclose the numbers. My son is really still too young to grasp these huge numbers. His allowance is 3 dollars a week, after all! But after hubby reassured son that we should be able to pay off the mortgage in the future, knock on wood, he also explained there was still real and pressing reason to save aggressively for things like camp, college, and hopefully more trips to places we want to show him. 


A long time ago, I read an interview with Kathleen Turner and it was such an inspiring read. In essence, she said that she knew she wanted to become an actress and it made life easy for her in a big way. The decisions she made simply oriented around her goal.... It is so important to have goals.

And what is mine? My goal is to have a good time with my family and be a good mom. To keep our expenses to a minimum so I don't need to work full-time and can be mostly home with my kids. To be super efficient. To be present for my kids (and solve all of their problems....) I'm really not a martyr though, I like good food and drink and other certain things. I can be extremely high maintenance at times and very impatient.... But I want both boys working and living independently and I want my freedom. And it all really points to one thing. Being frugal most of the time, living within and below our means, and keeping our stuff to an absolute minimum. I really believe that. I do not feel deprived and live a rich life. I'm lucky.

home

I hugged my husband's 19-year old cousin at the Sunny Patch train station. Listen, I told him, stay away from the crazy people! But if a crazy person gets in your way, just act crazier than that crazy person and you'll be fine! My ear training teacher at Juilliard used to tell us to sing our solfege exercises and people would stay away....

My history professor advised to act schizophrenic, he laughed, I'll be fine.

4-1/2 weeks with us and now he's moving into a 6 week sublet in the city. It will be good for him to not have to deal with the 50 minute train commute on top of another subway ride to his office. Easier for him to hang out with friends and enjoy the city. Interesting thing is. His brother arrives this Friday and takes up residence in our guest room for 2 weeks. They like being here and I find it sweet. I'm flattered, honestly. And I love that my boys love them.

I'll be back this week end, said hubby's cousin, Saturday or Sunday, he shrugged.

Really? I thought. You can come and crash, anytime, I told him, you have the key.

My boys are not allowed to move farther away than NYC. Well, maybe Boston is okay, but that's it. They aren't allowed to do what my parents did or what I did. Everyone is better off with a safety net and it's really okay to need one at times. 

demo

The demo has begun on the closets. They are banging away and taking down interior walls in order to make a mudroom. Of course, right away, came something unexpected. Pipes. Logically, they should run through another wall and a couple of them do, in fact. But of course, because we're talking about this house, there has to be a few others illogically running through a wall that is coming down. And get this, they are all covered with crumbling, discolored asbestos.... "Looks bad," said one of the workers. I wanted to laugh. I own an entire asbestos roof that's buried in Ohio. This is nothing! I wanted to say but kept my mouth shut. I am not the contractor and am not getting involved. It's someone else's job to get a reliable plumber here. Maybe an asbestos remover, too.

This time, I have paid someone else to oversee all of the little jobs involved but whether it's better that way remains to be seen. He's not here, you see. He's a delegator and not one of the busy bees. Is that okay? It doesn't exactly settle well with me. I thought the boss was going to be working side by side with these guys....

This morning, hubby and I went with Jake to renew his passport. It's a rush order. In a few weeks, the kids and I are going to Michigan and Canada to be in the country and with family for the rest of the summer. Hubby will come and go as he can. None of us can wait. Our happiest times together are on a trail someplace or swimming in a lake, out and about in nature and exploring, eating under the huge sky, and definitely not stuck in a house. Old houses are charming but they are way too much work and trouble. I promise my next home is going to be a condo, very efficient and very modern in every which way. I swear that everything I own - besides my piano and violin - will fit into just one suitcase. One day!

Montreal

Hubby has an incredible Aunt in LA and we drove up to see her in Montreal this wknd. She was there visiting her mom and brother (hubby's grandmother and father) and brought her daughter, someone I also love, and her adult grandchildren, also all in from LA. Hubby's Aunt runs a super successful nursery school on the west coast. She knows all about shadows and child development. She is brilliant when it comes to people and relationships. She is also the most positive person I have ever met....

Got in at 11pm on Friday night and we talked until the wee hours about everything under the sun. We talked about Belac. We talked about Jake. Later hung out with my BIL and his wife over the wknd, both of whom I adore.... 

There is so much to be said about being positive and grounded. My head is swirling in all the best ways over all the conversations.... I learned things about my BIL and his wife that I never knew. I have so much respect for them. Came away wishing again that I had so much more contact with hubby's aunt. She is an inspiration! It was an incredible couple of days.

the 4th

Jake and me, May/2001 in NYC

First family bike outing on the Old Aqueduct trail. We bike as a family regularly and about a dozen miles at a time, but this was something else. The trail was not paved. And although it was firmly packed dirt in places, there were stretches with loose gravel, rocks and lots of grass. Jake had no problems but Belac teetered and stopped in places, had trouble getting on his bike after stopping, had trouble stopping without falling... in a few years he will be stronger and have a bike with bigger wheels, but for now it was trying. There were tears of frustration. And it was HOT. 6 miles roundtrip and we were all spent.

Found ourselves cooling off at a diner when childhood friend txted. Want to come over for dinner and fireworks?

Will hubby be there? hubby asked. I didn't know. We were undecided at first and then hesitantly accepted the invitation.

Later arrived at the house. Kids immediately running around, hubby moseying about. I helped friend pack dinner. After 20 minutes, hubby asked the question that was hanging in the air. Where's Ethan? Is he home?

Oh! You haven't seen him yet? my childhood friend asked oh so casually and a little too loudly. She called for him. Of course we hadn't seen him, who was she kidding. But I understood we were all pretending things were fine. Even though he hadn't responded to a call or txt in weeks. Even though he snuck out of the house on Tuesday to avoid saying hello to me when I helped A... And then he appeared.

There was something stone-like in his eyes. He was sort of smiling, but not smiling. We hugged. He poured some wine. After awhile, I brought up the demolition of our closets that begins on Monday. I knew we could easily talk about this, their having gone through every renovation in the world, and I could almost sense my hubby rolling his eyes. But someone had to break the ice.... I noticed my friend chopping away silently in the background as my hubby politely listened on. It was so weird. I later brought up our failed attempt at a happy, adventurous family outing that morning and joked about our bike ride from hell. You mean these things don't happen just to us? my friend remarked, as she stole a glance at her hubby.

Later, on the way out to fireworks, we all went through the basement and past the dumpster. Her hubby breathed not a word about it. "Hey, thanks so much for helping, it looks great!" would have been his usual chatty and easy style. But today his heart was in a hard place.

As we sat in our cars, waiting for everyone to pack out, we made small talk. You know? The other day A and I were looking through old photos and we found one of Jake and Audi laying next to each other. They were no more than 3 months old. I had just graduated from Juilliard, that day, and you guys had just closed on the house.... We were celebrating at Del Frisco's, remember that...? Now look at them, I gestured. He looked behind me and smiled. The two were sitting in the back of the car, sweaty, gangly-looking preteens pouring over a book. Did we look like irresponsible parents, enjoying our dinner with babies out of sight and in the corner? He did remember. No!! I exclaimed. And we also looked no different than we do today! I winked. It goes by way too fast, I remarked, I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I wanted to reach over and shake him. What is it about men and bottling everything up? Why don't they talk to anyone? Soften up, Ethan! I wanted to tell him. Your kids are beautiful and your wife is really trying! At the end of the day, there is so much love there, even if it's hard to love each other sometimes. It doesn't get better than this, it just doesn't.

worries

Filled her van to the brim with toys, books and clothes. Loaded up the dumpster with a ton of crap. Piled up boxes and boxes of bills and docs to be professionally shredded, it would take years for someone to feed it all into my shredder. Unbelievable what we accomplished in 5 continuous hours of working fast and together. No bathroom breaks, no lunch, no nothing. We went through hundreds of birthday and Christmas cards she kept. I saw a few anniversary cards that her hubby had sent. Take the time to read this one, I'd order, before rushing her through everything else and encouraging her to trash whatever she could every few minutes. When going through bins of random photos, I saw so many photos of Jake when he was a baby and our families together. I could understand why she couldn't do this alone. I could understand why she couldn't just hire anyone.

You know my friend just did what we're doing, she remarked, her parents died and she had to sort through all of their stuff...

We have 10 minutes before I go, let's do this last box, I told her. No way we can get it done, she exclaimed. We were both sweaty, dirty, tired and realizing it as we winded down. Come on, we can do it, at least it will be good enough.... We tore through the disorganized junk. You know none of this is going to help, right? He's going to come home and still not talk to me? Still not acknowledge my existence? In fact, it will be worse because he'll be mortified I got you involved and that you had to come and hold my hand.... I know, I said, but at least you'll feel better not having to look at all of this crap every day. Don't you already feel so much better? I asked as I gestured around at all the reclaimed real estate. I had never seen her basement so empty.

Hubby called. How is everything...? Gimky...? We're going to have to talk about something when you get home, ok?

What? My heart sank, something was wrong and I could hear it in his voice. Is everything okay?

Kind of... but we're going to have to look at our finances for this next year, okay?

Oh my God! What happened?

Nothing yet... but I found out an outside consultant is evaluating every single position at the company including mine.... I really don't want to go to fireworks unless I have to for the kids.... I really don't feel like going out.

It's okay, sweetie pie, we'll stay home. I'm coming home this second!

I kissed my friend. I can't go with you to the goodwill, but here is the rule. Friend. You are not allowed to keep anything in your van! If for some reason they won't take everything at the goodwill, nothing is allowed to go back into the house, you hear me? I know this is hard for you, but NOTHING goes back in the house, I repeated. It all goes in this DUMPSTER! Got it...? I trust you and I love you.

And with that I was gone.

how did this happen?

Someone told me some things. Awful things. Things that... even in my darkest hours I know I could never utter. And I was sworn to secrecy. Only my hubby sort of knows. I certainly cannot breathe a word to my sisters. I've barely said a thing here, but the scaffolding is here and it's already too much.  I wish I were truly anonymous so I could get this off my chest.


I love these people dearly. I love these kids like my own. I know it's good that this person has opened up to me but it is truly the hardest thing. I'm worried.

Maybe it's possible to fall out of love and that's that. No big deal. Or maybe separation is the best thing sometimes. But what I want to tell my kids is this. Face up to your problems before they explode. Don't let your relationships, the relationships that mean something to you, sour over stupid things and never go to bed mad. Try to help it. Even I, the hopeless romantic, know that there is a point of no return. Love and relationships take nursing. Don't take either for granted.

step 1

Jake was weepy as we looked at his report card together. Important thing is that we learn from this last quarter, and we understand all of these grades, right? Jake nodded. He got his usual A in Social Studies. Math was a solid B, and boy did he work for that B. English was a solid B, too, a combination of A for writing, C for reading comprehension. But I think what especially caused the crying was the Science. He was a straight A Science student for 3 quarters. This last quarter? C. And why? Forgetting about a test and not studying. Everyday I asked him when his test was, everyday he told me he'd ask. And then, suddenly, he walked in to class and it was time for the test. Then he studied quite diligently for the next test, but never brought home the study guide and so did not review all of the material. He had to have known he was going to get a C, but I think it was disheartening to see it there all in black and white.

It's not a terrible report card, but it certainly did not reflect his year of sweat and tears. He really did earn an A for Effort. As I drove him to camp, his eyes were still red.

It's okay to feel bad, I said, it means you care. But then we have to just understand the problems and zero in on a solution. We'll keep working on the math and the reading, you'll get there. A few pages from each book, everyday, ok? And the organization... Let's just start with your closet. You did a great job organizing it and you should love being able to find everything! These are good summer goals. Maintain your closet and keep track of your lunch box and cell phone, ok?

My friend just texted to confirm that a dumpster arrives early tomorrow morning. I will drop the kids at camp and go straight over to her house, an hour away. Our goal is to ruthlessly go through her entire basement on her day off. I am also leaving her my heavy duty paper shredder. I am a die hard recycler, reuser, re-everything-er. But tomorrow, none of the rules apply. Every single thing that is broken, unused, untouched, doesn't fit... all of it goes in that dumpster. We're not going to waste time.

Everyday, they pull their cars into the garage and enter the house through their basement. They have to wade through this floor to ceiling mess at least twice a day. Everyday they fight about it. Every now and then they try to deal with it. Their house has been in various states of renovation over 5 years. Nothing is done and the disorganization is overwhelming. They both have high-powered, demanding jobs and busy, young kids. They have way too much on their plates and not enough time. I seriously wish their house would burn down so they could move somewhere else that's 'done'. Their house is a huge headache and a source of extreme stress. I know their marital woes can't be carted away so simply with all the junk and clutter, but maybe the sight of a cleared out basement will begin to take the pressure off. Amazing that she wants to do this and is not resisting my help. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Wish us luck!

hommage

Hubby came to me at 4:30. Gimky, I want you to prepare yourself because I think you're going to have a heavy evening ahead. I'm going to play with all of the kids, ok? and you can just take care of Al. What? She just called to say hubby is not coming, she's coming by herself with the kids. By herself...? Why can't he come?? She just said he couldn't come and I didn't ask. But... when has he ever not come? What could he possibly be doing that is so important that he can't come with his entire family on this Sunday night?? I don't know, Gimky, he told me as he put his arm around me and my eyes began to water. We both know that they've had some rocky years, he reminded me, it's not exactly a surprise. Let's just try to be supportive.... but I guess... I guess of the two you're going to choose Al, and I guess that means I'm losing my friend.

I think we've already lost him. We haven't been able to reach him in weeks.

Had I known, I wouldn't have prepared his favorite eggplant and grilled portabello mushroom, or bought the chips with 'hint of lime' that no one else really cares for. Without him, it will now feel like a depressing hommage to good times passed as opposed to the celebratory meal it was supposed to be.

100 degrees

Haven't seen my childhood friend since March when for the past decade we've all met up routinely at least once a month. Our families have spent so much time together and have over time celebrated every single holiday together and life cycle event. Finally, today, we were supposed to go over there. Then she texted and asked that they all come here instead. I fear it's a sign that things are bad over there. Something is so very wrong this time. Her hubby has not responded to any txts or calls these past weeks from either me or hubby, despite routinely describing us as his best friends over the years. She is completely not herself and sounds scared. I will be devastated if they're undone for real. Thoroughly devastated.

I have prepared a huge summer feast and set quite the table. All of our favorite foods and drinks are ready to go.