the 4th

Jake and me, May/2001 in NYC

First family bike outing on the Old Aqueduct trail. We bike as a family regularly and about a dozen miles at a time, but this was something else. The trail was not paved. And although it was firmly packed dirt in places, there were stretches with loose gravel, rocks and lots of grass. Jake had no problems but Belac teetered and stopped in places, had trouble getting on his bike after stopping, had trouble stopping without falling... in a few years he will be stronger and have a bike with bigger wheels, but for now it was trying. There were tears of frustration. And it was HOT. 6 miles roundtrip and we were all spent.

Found ourselves cooling off at a diner when childhood friend txted. Want to come over for dinner and fireworks?

Will hubby be there? hubby asked. I didn't know. We were undecided at first and then hesitantly accepted the invitation.

Later arrived at the house. Kids immediately running around, hubby moseying about. I helped friend pack dinner. After 20 minutes, hubby asked the question that was hanging in the air. Where's Ethan? Is he home?

Oh! You haven't seen him yet? my childhood friend asked oh so casually and a little too loudly. She called for him. Of course we hadn't seen him, who was she kidding. But I understood we were all pretending things were fine. Even though he hadn't responded to a call or txt in weeks. Even though he snuck out of the house on Tuesday to avoid saying hello to me when I helped A... And then he appeared.

There was something stone-like in his eyes. He was sort of smiling, but not smiling. We hugged. He poured some wine. After awhile, I brought up the demolition of our closets that begins on Monday. I knew we could easily talk about this, their having gone through every renovation in the world, and I could almost sense my hubby rolling his eyes. But someone had to break the ice.... I noticed my friend chopping away silently in the background as my hubby politely listened on. It was so weird. I later brought up our failed attempt at a happy, adventurous family outing that morning and joked about our bike ride from hell. You mean these things don't happen just to us? my friend remarked, as she stole a glance at her hubby.

Later, on the way out to fireworks, we all went through the basement and past the dumpster. Her hubby breathed not a word about it. "Hey, thanks so much for helping, it looks great!" would have been his usual chatty and easy style. But today his heart was in a hard place.

As we sat in our cars, waiting for everyone to pack out, we made small talk. You know? The other day A and I were looking through old photos and we found one of Jake and Audi laying next to each other. They were no more than 3 months old. I had just graduated from Juilliard, that day, and you guys had just closed on the house.... We were celebrating at Del Frisco's, remember that...? Now look at them, I gestured. He looked behind me and smiled. The two were sitting in the back of the car, sweaty, gangly-looking preteens pouring over a book. Did we look like irresponsible parents, enjoying our dinner with babies out of sight and in the corner? He did remember. No!! I exclaimed. And we also looked no different than we do today! I winked. It goes by way too fast, I remarked, I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I wanted to reach over and shake him. What is it about men and bottling everything up? Why don't they talk to anyone? Soften up, Ethan! I wanted to tell him. Your kids are beautiful and your wife is really trying! At the end of the day, there is so much love there, even if it's hard to love each other sometimes. It doesn't get better than this, it just doesn't.