Happy Halloween!

Jake just left the house dressed in sweats and a top hat, carrying phone and flashlight in his hoodie. He is meeting friends at a corner and they're off on their own. Belac I dropped off with another group, whose mom offered to trail them. You are a saint! I proclaimed. But I've also included her son in plenty of activities; we all give eachother a break when we can. Amazing! Hubby and I now sipping red and hanging as I watch him set up the computer.

Our house sits sideways and is too far off from the street to be an easy trick or treat. From the backside, it's a bit too dark and hard to get to. I have 100 pieces of candy and have only given out 2. Halloween is not really my thing, I don't mind if no one comes.

soccer

J: Was wondering if I could play soccer with my friends

Me: Of course!!!!

I definitely worry too much about him.

no more

I can appreciate that people might walk a fine line with me. That I might want it all ways and that is just too many for most. Inclusion for my son and normalcy, but extra consideration on his behalf, but not too much of course, because he's not a charity case, either....

Today, I picked up a few things from the store on my way home. I saw him pull out of another spot and pretended not to see him. Pulling out of the parking lot I kept my distance. I just didn't want to wave. We have bumped into each other plenty. He has asked me to dumplings at least twice in the past week, how many times do I have to say no before he gets it? We've had this conversation for 2 years! I am perfectly nice and friendly. But I am not interested in going back to the way things were before that ugly meal. And why is that? Because he shoves his love for my son down my throat and makes assumptions as if he's God, and it's like things suddenly came into crystal clear focus. I never truly trusted him, but now I really don't. The other day, he made some comment about something I wrote, deep in a faraway, dusty corner of my Facebook profile. I freaked out inside and found myself emotionally recoiling even more. His attention creeps me out. You know what I think he wants? I think he wants to pull down my pants.

The other night I told hubby that I really need him to be possessive of me in front of this guy, who we see all around town. So instead of letting it go, when he announces that Gimky is sexy to the dinner crowd - something so terribly inappropriate - that hubby needs to say: yes, and she is MINE. That when we are at dinner, he needs to be forceful about sitting next to me and putting his arms around me. I don't give the slightest thought about how we appear to other people and friends and am not one to cling to anyone or want it, but in this guy's presence, I have told hubby he must protect me!

So it wasn't just the video the friend posted that did me in with Facebook, but it certainly was my last straw following a bunch of things. Including my neighbor posting an angry public Facebook post addressing the 'shit bags' who stole her Halloween decorations in front of her house and that the next time anyone steps foot on 'this' angry autism mom's property they should know she is an NRA card carrying gun owner....!! Lovely, right? What the hell is wrong with people?

I'll surely miss a few people but hopefully we can keep touch in other ways. Facebook no more!

keeping it real

Belac 10/2014

Received a call from the school nurse, who told me she had Belac next to her, who was distressed he might have lost his phone on the way to school. It's okay, I told her, I have the phone right here on my kitchen counter. Great, she has it!! I heard her say, go back to class, Belac. She turned back to the phone, he has a smile of relief on his face!

The nurse and I chatted awhile. We talked about his tantrum in her office, last Friday, and his new tic.  Oh God! she murmured. That he's been feeling stressed out and that the neurologist confirmed it was likely stress. I told her that a kid had recently told him he was autistic and it caused a whole avalanche of mixed emotions for him, more pressure on himself to become 'normal.' I was looking for a good therapist, did she know anyone? She asked about his weight. It's the same. 

Often times, my husband's large family - all over North America - write updates to each other about their kids. I sometimes do, too. It's the usual glossy format. Given what little direct contact we have, I think no one really has the appetite to digest too much difficult stuff. I learned this lesson the hard way, when at the beginning of this journey with Belac, I was upset that there were times no one responded to my emails. When confronted, 2 different family members said they just didn't know what to say and they just couldn't keep up with all that we had to do with Belac and that we needed a therapist.... That stung.

So just yesterday, 9 years later, in the context of a debate regarding reading fiction and controlling children's exposure to certain topics (hubby has a sibling who is very conservative, religious and opinionated), I wrote the following update/argument/I don't know what. Again, the same people said nothing, didn't know what to say, but you know what? It's okay. I certainly don't want pity or even need any response at this point. It's just good to keep it real. 

EMAIL 1:

Starlight, I have totally been scrounging around for good books for my kids. I should have been talking to you all along!

Belac and I are almost finished reading 'out of my mind.' It is an incredible story about a drooling, quadriplegic 11 year old, who everyone sort of dismissed until she was given a medi-talker. People were astonished to find there was a smart, sensitive and funny girl within. It's fiction, but really believable and it has given me the chance to talk about special needs and differences with Belac.

Belac has been having a hard time navigating the social scene in middle school. Belac was recently told by some of his school peers that he is autistic. He also gets teased bc of his small stature. Since we never spoke to him about autism before or what it had to do with him, this has been a very big deal for all of us. An emotional talk and big news all around for him. He is really worried about fitting in and doing well. He is worried about playing at recess with kids who have aides, because he doesn't want anyone to think the aide could be his. (He hasn't had one for 2 years, was placed in a smaller class with regular curriculum and is getting all As.) One of his big concerns lately is about having children. He has been wondering aloud to hubby and me if his children will be autistic!

Belac has also developed a jaw tick recently and admits to being stressed out at school. He talks to me every night about the things he's worried about. He feels left out and lonely. I've sat down with all of his teachers, the school psychologist, guidance counselor and the asst principal in the last few weeks to let them know what's going on and to hopefully keep an eye on him. 

So my point is, he always hated reading because it's so hard for him, but this story and 20 minutes a day of putting his feet into this disabled girl's shoes has been... I don't want to overstate, but it's truly been transformative. In the first 10 pages we got to a passage where this girl describes the kids in her middle school and states that for the the most part, no one pays attn to her. Belac looked at me and told me, that's just like me. In some ways she has many more problems than Belac, and I truly believe he is beginning to understand he's not the only one with problems.

All to say, reading the right stories can be powerful. Belac would not have been ready for this 2 years ago, but he is at the stage where he clearly wants to know what the deal is with himself, who he is and how he's going to fix his issues and, as he describes, be 'part of the club.'  I think reading other people's stories will not just inform him but provide him with comfort. 

Love, Gimky 

EMAIL 2: FYI

I should clarify that we shared with Belac the fact that he had an autism diagnosis at a very young age and that he made so much amazing progress that he 'lost' his diagnosis 2 years ago. That he is now described as being ADHD inattentive type (which of course overlaps with a spectrum disorder but we have not emphasized that) and that there is no reason he cannot live a full, productive, meaningful and happy life. So please do not bring up in particular 'autism' with him, at least not in the near future, as he is very sensitive about his differences and challenges, and it matters everything to him that that label has not stuck. Thank you!

Love, Gimky

8th grade

Oh, Mom! he told me, I got my math test back.

And...?

I got a 92!

Woo Hoooo!!! I made a huge fuss. How do you feel?

Good.

So are you now used to these kinds of grades or are you still surprised?

Surprised, he said with a smile.

We crafted a text to a bunch of kids about meeting for pizza at our house before trick or treating. Hours later, everyone had responded. They had other commitments.

Were you all meeting at the library to trick or treat together?

He thought so, but now wasn't sure.

Well, would you want to go trick or treating with so and so?

No.

Okay, well, I think the best thing is to charge up your phone. And you'll text tomorrow night and see where kids are when they start trick or treating. You'll meet up with them, okay?

Okay, he told me. He didn't seem worried or concerned, but I tried to mask my own. Was everyone else meeting without him? I hoped he wasn't going to end up alone on Halloween night but interesting, too. He's not wanting to be with just anyone, either.

Glad he's been invited to a birthday party this week end.

awakening

Belac 10/2014

"I can't let my dam life go" came the text. And then I saw a voicemail from Belac's teacher. Mom? I heard his voice from that number, I am, uh, a little stressed out, that's all. I... (tell her you're with Mrs. Ana, I heard in the background) I am with Mrs. Ana... (tell her you're okay) and I'm okay.... but I was trying to talk to you because I'm... I'm stressed out. Okay, bye.

I called the teacher immediately. Nothing had happened, but she saw that he had pulled out his phone after class and was texting. And when she asked what was wrong, he was weepy and admitted to being stressed out about school. So that's when she offered her cell phone and a spot near the window for better reception.

The neurologist offered to give Belac a pill to manage his jaw tick. I declined. You know? The behavior is not disruptive to anyone else. It looks a little weird and other kids notice it, but it doesn't seem to bother him much. Jake describes it as "biting air." Plus, it just started in the last 2 weeks. He is stressed out and his body is reacting. Better to deal with the root cause than mask the problem with meds. I am now looking for a local cognitive behavioral therapist. Someone who is capable of understanding him and who can truly meet him where he is. Someone who sees mostly high functioning kids on the spectrum. Finding a good match for him is the hard part. Especially when being charged an initial standard 500 dollar consultation to even first meet a doctor and my insurance will surely not cover multiple consultations.... But Belac needs help navigating the middle school social scene. Help accepting and appreciating himself. It's the normal middle school stuff but with a creamy layer of spectrumy confusion smothered on top. At dinner the other night, he told all of us he was afraid of having children. What if my kids are autistic? he asked us and we all fell silent. Mom, do you think I will have autistic kids?

Academically, he's doing well. He gets 1-1/2 hours of homework, every night, which I oversee. I try to stay out of everything but sometimes need to sit next to him, usually for Social Studies and our reading together. I make sure he checks off everything completed in his assignment pad and keeps his folders organized. And every single day, I thank my lucky stars for our kitchen. Belac can be spread out with all of his papers at the kitchen island, basking in natural light and then bright lights when evening settles in. He can take breaks and shoot hoops on our driveway and still be attached to the kitchen in a way, the heart of the house. He's never getting lost in some remote corner of the house. While he's working, I can sit next to him or look over his shoulder as necessary, but find myself never hovering too much because there's always cooking or cleaning or something that needs to get done in the kitchen. It is truly the most perfect set up.

And socially? Despite how inadequate he feels at times or unfair he feels his situation might be, he does have friends and good ones at that. It's not just Jake with plans for Halloween. Belac has been asked by a friend to pizza at his house and for these 4 invited to go trick or treating together. It leaves hubby and me kind of twiddling our thumbs on a holiday that's all about the kids, but that they are being included in activities elsewhere - both of them - is music to my ears. Friendship and being appreciated and accepted is so important. Being part of a tight knit community was the goal in coming to Sunny Patch, and over 5 years here, we are blessed to finally have that.

evening

Listening to Jake and hubby play a crazy game of ping pong downstairs. This, after hubby reviewed a French paragraph Jake had written and quizzed him in Social Studies. Hubby introduced this review together as also helping him study for his American citizenship test in a couple of weeks.... In one week, the semester ends and I have never ever seen Jake work so diligently. Ever. He is trying so hard to get at least a 90 in every class and to get on that Honor Roll. He is just so close and the closest he's ever been. He currently has an 87 in French, and so everything graded now really counts. And I don't know exactly what is going on in SS. He was within less than a percentage point of a 90, and just brought home exactly a 90 on a big test and a 90 on a quiz, but the 75 on an essay, last week, really sunk him. He is on schedule to trying to improve his grade on that, but it's not clear by how much. And now there's a pop quiz on immigration, tomorrow, and he knows it's crucial. He's been studying like crazy, tonight.

Today, I had to drop off Belac's lunch he had forgotten. I ran into the Guidance Counselor. Mostly we talked about Belac, and that will be another story for another day. But on the topic of Jake, she told me that she knew he was doing 'fantastically!' I could only agree. It's not about the grades, although seeing those great numbers help him so much. It's about coming into himself. Feeling good about himself and empowered to DO.

I will be over the moon if Jake achieves the goal he dared to give himself. I only know of it because I happened to spy a note he had written to his teacher.... But even if he misses that number, it's really okay. It's really, really okay because the kind of effort he has put in, every single day, has been A + +. That's what matters. His effort and diligence has been incredible and I agree with Ethan's comment, last night. Effort is (almost) everything.

Facebook

I am off Facebook. And were it not for the special needs pages, I'd never go back. It's weird, but I am that done with it. I was logging on there maybe once a day, more if I posted something, but have generally not found my interactions there uplifting, recently. In fact, I found the place dragging me down!

So I'm taking a break. I have absolutely no withdrawal and feel relieved, actually. Let's just see what happens.

first 2 emails

Sometimes it's hard for Jake to speak up for himself. Sometimes he intends to find a teacher but then forgets. On Monday afternoon, I suggested he write an email to his teachers he kept forgetting to speak with. At least he could start the conversation right away. This morning, I asked if his teachers had gotten back to him. He didn't know and checked his email on my phone.

Now closing the app, I see Jake's original letters for the first time. You know? I see that writing helps Jake to organize and clarify his thinking. It makes sense, he has more time to gather his thoughts. And he is very capable and does really have his own voice, even more so without any of my previous micro managing. I love that he wrote these emails. And also that he had the good sense to not name his partner he was having trouble with, as getting the kid in trouble was clearly not the point. That's my boy!!

Dear Mr. Monster Truck,
I am writing this E-mail because I am concerned about the project that we are working on and I need your help. Despite the fact that I made a good blueprint that was approved by you, I can't seem to make the marble maze to work properly. It works, but I can only get 3 seconds out of it. Not the required eleven. Also, me and my partner are not working properly together. I did almost all of the entire project and now he is blaming me because it is failing. I was wondering if I could meet you to discuss these issues. I am blocked first period for the rest of the week, but maybe an activity period could work?
Thanks,
Jake

Dear Mr. SS teacher,
I am writing this e-mail because I am concerned about my DBQ essay grade. At first, I was alarmed that I got that low, but now I want to fix it and complete my goal of getting an average of 90 or above. I want to know when I can come to fix my essay. I am booked on all first periods for the rest of the week, but maybe an activity period will work?
Thanks,
Jake

Eva Schloss

Find the good.

Give. It feels better than receiving.

Hope.

Tonight should have been a TED talk. There were 300 people there or more, crammed in this room with no ac. I was separated from the kids who sat with hubby. I weeped through parts of her story, as did hubby, I was to find out later. She had so many reasons to give up but ultimately did not.

Never forget, she urged, but learn and move forward.

Coming home, the kids and Dot's kids fought about who had to sit in the cramped 3rd row. They are like siblings. We talked about what stuck out for each of us. Belac announced he really tried to concentrate. Ethan remarked, trying is everything Belac.

There are only like a dozen Holocaust survivors who are still alive. We met one of them tonight and heard her story, which was both painful but uplifting. She had every excuse to give up on everything, and there was a period after the war when she sort of did, but she picked herself up for the better.

I know Jake was listening and will not forget. Belac got the major points. I'm so glad we all went.

give

Soon, we will have a gathering of pizza at our house before heading to "Anne Frank's Stepsister" nearby. There's a group of us going with our middle school kids to hear her tell her story.

I appreciate that the kids are at an age of more awareness of life around them. And under my watch, I want them to know about life beyond these pearly gates of Sunny Patch in the most hands on way. There's been Ezra's project, the holocaust museum in DC and now helping at the special needs services, every month. Anne Frank's stepsister tonight and time reserved for packing food at the local pantry.

They're not too young. It's important to know about those less fortunate and it's good to give.

mine

Last night, I made the mistake of looking at Facebook before bed. I looked at a video someone posted. A fellow pianist from Michigan, who also ended up at Juilliard during my years. He has like 5 children, he and wife are homeschooling, and is a professor in the middle of the country. He's a really nice and intelligent guy. But the video he posted was sick, his summary calls the kid "lazy" and describes what happens as discipline, and he invited comments.

The video was of a father, sitting on a running tractor with a hundred video games in a pile before it. There was an 18 year oldish looking kid freaking out about what was about to happen. The dad is screaming "MAYBE YOU COULD GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM AND GET A JOB TO PAY FOR ALL THIS!!!" And the kid is screaming, why are you doing this? What are you achieving?? There are snickers from the person at the camera, as the dad drives over this pile and turns all this into shreds. And the kid freaks out, screaming, biting his shirt....

The comments are predictably vitriolic. Wish I could have been on that lawnmower. What a lazy kid. Hilarious, I can't stop laughing.... And people are just so quick to sum up this kid and justify this dad's behavior with just terrible snippets. And then they go ahead and pat themselves on the back with comments like, my kids know they are 'out' when they are 18. Well, you know what? Fucking good for you.

My blood was BOILING. I know these people are just ignorant, but I couldn't let it go. I don't care if I looked out of control. People's eagerness to judge drives me crazy.

I wrote:

I think it's terrible this was posted. Obviously the kid has problems and needs help. Not being humiliated by his father for all to see. I find this tragic. You don't know if this person suffers from anxiety, some sort of mental illness, or debilitating problem. To call someone lazy for not having a job and viewing a video like this that has no business being on the internet for mass consumption is totally cruel.

Who let this kid spend his life in the bedroom? Who ultimately paid for those video games and allowed a tv in his room? And who is recording this and laughing? Sorry but it makes me so mad that people can stand by and laugh.

We can all giggle about a pile of seemingly replaceable video games getting shredded, sum this clip up as another lazy kid getting what is finally due. But what if this was all the stability this kid had in his life? What if this kid is autistic? Or suffers from debilitating mental illness? None of us have stepped through the door in that house or spoken to either party. We don't know that '18 and out' would be possible, even with the best parenting. This was such a violent, end of the rope act by a parent. And that this was posted for the world to see with someone giggling in the background - even if the action was somehow justified - shows complete disregard for this child's well being. Imagine someone posting a video of my reaction to the destruction of my beloved piano with garden clippers? By the hands of a parent? That's what this video is. 

I have truly hated Facebook lately. I think it condones thoughtless, long-term bad and superficial behavior. You know what's wrong? Why I am so upset? IF THIS GROUP OF SEEMINGLY EDUCATED INFORMED PEOPLE, JUST ONCE REMOVED, CANNOT SHOW COMPASSION AND RESTRAINT IN THEIR JUDGMENTS, WHAT CAN I EXPECT WHEN THEY CONFRONT MY SON.

God help this kid. God help mine.

garbage day

I had a couple of hours this morning and I spent it tidying up the garage. I can't stop sneezing. Am I insane? But it's a tight space. Unless I take the time, now and again, I can't pull my car in there AND open all the doors. Plus, I've been on a roll as of late.

Tomorrow is garbage day, the last garbage day before my parents arrive, and all the rubbish and stuff I can't donate is going out to the curb. Over the last 3 weeks, I've spent every spare minute scrubbing and cleaning out the basement and putting down a floating floor above our dirty, peeling one. Cleaning this never before cleaned area was a dirty, disgusting, time-consuming job and I found plenty of old mouse poop along the way.... But now I am house proud. The bowels of this house have never been so clean and cleared out and it actually feels okay to linger down there. It's a night and day difference.

You know how one keeps sane? Well, I should just speak for myself. By cleaning and blogging!

Happy Monday

Taught in the morning. Jake organized folders and spent time on his English project. Belac worked on a drawing assignment and wrote an apology to the nurse. He had thrown a small tantrum in her office on Friday. Everyone cleaned and organized, put away clothes. I baked bread. Hubby ran with the guys and also worked a little, he had meetings to prepare for. And then we gathered for pizza at Kati's, late in the afternoon. Sunday has become a catch up/work day for us, but always with the promise of something fun and social to look forward to. It's a welcome routine for each of us, I think, and we all go to bed feeling better about Monday.

This morning, on our way out, Jake and I checked the parent portal. Whoops, he said, he was missing a signed progress report in French and it was listed as a 0 under homework. Good we checked! I pointed out to Jake. He printed out the sheet and I signed it. I didn't have to tell him that a partial grade was better than a 0, he now understands these numbers. All of his grades I saw had fluctuated but remained in the same range since a week ago, except for French which he managed to bring up into the high 80s. If by the end of the marking period, in just a few weeks, he can raise his grade in 3 classes by just a percentage point or two, he could get 90s in every class this quarter. Even just maintaining his marks, he could earn an average in the 90s overall. That would also be a first! It's now a game, almost. But let's not be piggy, either! For so many reasons, it has been an exceptional semester for Jake already, even if all his grades slip. The running, the positive attitude, a diligence towards work, and his being less afraid of facing up to hard truths. These are all amazing developments, and I am just so proud of him!

Happy Monday!

beautiful day

Sunny Patch 5K - hubby ran it in less than 22 minutes, Jake in less than 23. While we waited, Belac ran around the track, filming with the go pro attached to his head. I chit chatted with other parents and Ethan's dad. I really don't think he's the total ass Dot makes him out to be, but I'd never say....

Sunny Patch parade - Jake played sax in the marching band, hubby and I marched with Belac who attracted a lot of attention, parading around as a Rubik's cube

Kids each went to the dentist and got lectures on how to better brush their teeth

heavy late Lunch/early Dinner at Westchester Burger Co.

Jake had fun with the leaf blower in prep of the cracked driveway getting repaired tomorrow

Belac at a gathering of friends around the corner - this kid has a remarkably full social life

Hubby and Jake playing ping pong

Hubby and I just popped open a red.

Hubby watching a Grand Canyon documentary. Jake and I being stupid and lazy in front of devices.

Lots to do tomorrow, work and prep for the week, but that is tomorrow. Today is today, I loved today!

Jake in charge

Last night, hubby and I attended a birthday dinner at a local restaurant. It was a school night, but the kids had had time earlier in the day to finish all their homework. Jake and I reviewed the emergency button on the alarm panel and I left 2 charged house phones on the kitchen island.

I watched them start to eat dinner as I laid down the law:

1) If there is any problem, call and I will come home immediately.
2) Do not leave the house unless there is a fire or other emergency.
3) All the doors remain locked, do not let anyone inside the house.

We crafted the above schedule together. Hubby called every hour to check on the boys. When we arrived home, the lights were off and Jake was fast asleep! Belac was sitting in the dark kitchen.

Hi mom! he told me, I was worried about you and dad.

Aw, I told him, we're fine. How was your night? Did you play Mine Craft?

I played Crazy Machines, Jake played Mine Craft.

Did you take good care of each other? What do you think, should I get a babysitter next time or do you think it's okay with Jake babysitting you?

It's good with Jake.

How long have you been sitting here?

I don't know, I just wanted to wait for you.

I now saw he had texted me, 15 minutes ago. I had not received the text. I'm sorry I didn't get your message. You can always text dad if I don't respond right away, and you know, you could have talked to Jake if you were worried.

Nah, I didn't want to wake him up! But I have Bailey, and he kneeled down and cuddled him. I love you so much, Bailey! he whispered to the dog, you are the best dog ever!

I led him upstairs and we laid together on his bottom bunk and talked a little, with the dog assuming his usual spot in the corner of Belac's bed. Hubby joined in. Unless Belac's sleeping at someone else's house, he just can't sleep without a good night kiss from me and hubby, but especially me. What a sweet kid!

Belac's friends

The kids were all talking about all the classes they had together. And you know what became apparent? I had no idea. All 4 kids who regularly come to our house, the ones that are in Belac's grade and who have been coming for years, all of them. They all made the Honor Roll in 5th grade and all are in 6th grade Advanced Math. Isn't that wild? I really had no idea. Belac is not on the Honor Roll and he's not in Advanced Math, though getting very good grades. But these are his friends who come every Thursday and whose families we eat and hang often with: Izzy, Josh, Ethan and Ian. Not only are they the nicest, most fun kids, which is why we love them, but for the first time, I now know they are high achievers at school. No one ever told me, maybe purposefully.... Belac is so lucky to keep this company - and so is Jake, who is always in this mix. They're mostly all sitting around my kitchen island now and I am proud of them. Not jealous of the ones that aren't mine, but honestly proud of each child. It is wild. We're so blessed to have this great bunch of kids in our lives!

a la francais

Quizzed Jake in passe compose, after he had been reading and right before bed. The exception to the rules and irregular past participles were hard to remember and he has a 'mini test' today. Then this morning, he handed his book to me and I quizzed him for 10 minutes while he ate breakfast. He did remember most of the hard stuff from last night.

I once read someplace that it's good to not just study forever in a night. That it's always better to do what you can within reasonable time and go to bed, and then review the same material, first thing after you wake up. Going over material twice with sleep in between is best, apparently, for reinforcing and remembering. Even if it's a bunch of baloney, it does make sense to refresh your memory in the morning. And you know what? Looking at his school performance, lately, the practice certainly hasn't hurt him.

He's learning some very good habits.

walking

It's amazing how many kids get driven to school at the slightest drop of rain. The cars are lining up for blocks for drop off. It's not raining hard! Belac didn't even think of opening his umbrella until I suggested it. I mean, this is why we buy our kids umbrellas and water resistant coats, right? That's why we pay the extra taxes to live in town? And the crazy thing? Once there is traffic like that, it's much faster to just walk! So just bundle up, for heaven sakes!

There are a couple of kids coming to the house on this half day. I will be arriving home from class just as the kids arrive home, but you won't catch me in a million years, idling all around town chauffering kids, even if I could. They have two legs for a reason and what is a little water?? I texted the parents, knowing they were driving their kids this morning. Don't forget, umbrellas and warm clothes for the walk home!

hanging

Mom! I heard on the line, can I go to Timmy's house? Yes. How long can I stay? Well, I will be back from Belac's tennis in 2 hours. I can come get you then, but you can also walk home from there, you know the way, right? It's a mile and up hill, you okay with that? You have your umbrella? Just call me before you leave his house, ok?

Cross country was cancelled and it had been forever since he was invited by a friend. I have been concerned, actually, that since missing Jared's bar mitzvah, things had soured with everyone. Then again, cross country everyday is like a big social scene, so was there really anything to worry about?

Coming home later, Jake told me that he, Timmy and Jared had taken the time to work on the science homework together. You did...?! What, did you expect us to play the whole time? Well, yeah...!

I really like Timmy's mom, who is not intense or pushy but very reliable. I'm sure she had a little hand in that.... These are good kids Jake's chosen for friends. You just need a couple.

live and learn

Bring me your umbrellas! I told the kids. I went to get the Sharpies. I knew I had already written their names all over them at some point, but it was worth a refresh. We have half a dozen Mary Poppins umbrellas, the kind you can hang over an arm or backpack... Over the years of walking to school, we've found that these are the only kind the kids don't lose. In this case, bigger is better.

And after 16 years of being together, hubby and I made a sort of radical change. I mean, he always steals all the blankets at night, despite being hot. I am always cold and pulling them back over me. And now it's getting cold out again and we're dealing with our drafty room. That I repurposed our Flor squares in the bedroom and covered our peeling laundry floor with them, doesn't help our situation.  As long as it doesn't affect hanky panky, it occurred to hubby with a laugh, maybe we should have separate comforters! I don't know why we never thought of it before. We've slept at Kati's and Lulu's plenty, and their being European, never lay out just one comforter for 2 people, even in the same bed...  And so now with this simple solution, I've finally been warm at night and happy as a clam!

The kids were ready and out of the house early, today. And walking our usual way, side by side in the middle of the road of this cul-de-sac, it was how I found out Jake is going trick or treating with friends, telling Belac that they were all going to wear masks. You're not going to be a wizard? Belac clarified. No, came the reply, we're making masks.  It was how I heard Jake teasing Belac about his jaw thing and realized he was earning nickels per every time Belac flexed his jaw. Belac just laughed but was trying to stop. We're seeing the doctor on Monday....  It was Belac asking me to buy mango juice for lunch tomorrow, the kids have just a half day and we plan to bake a pizza from the freezer. It's some of the best time I have with the kids, this first leg of their walk to school before I head in another direction with the dog.

Someone told me once that I appeared I was over compensating for something. Well, maybe I am. Maybe I am chronically early and on time because I was late my whole life for everything until 18. Maybe I keep track of stuff and am probably overly into having the house be a welcoming and efficient place because the house I grew up in was disorganized and unpresentable. My sisters and I never once turned a library book in on time and we lost so many of them! My mom just couldn't get us to the library regularly, even paying the kind of fines we did. I also talk to my kids and genuinely like being with them, kiss them good night and tell them I love them.... So I don't know if it's a bad thing or not, how much the other way I've gone. Maybe someone could accuse me of trying to right a wrong, I don't even know if that's what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to behave in ways I'd want my own mom to behave, kind of making it up as I go along but admittedly taking my role very seriously. And you know what? For the most part, almost 14 years into motherhood, I'm having a great time.

Leaving the house with my boys on this beautiful autumn day, I felt overwhelmingly grateful. Grateful for my hubby and boys and this very good life.

nighty night

Just tucked the kids into bed.

When is dad getting home? they asked. About 9:30, I think.... tomorrow he'll be late, again, but we'll have dinner with him on Thursday, okay?

He's down the street at a board meeting, trying to put out a fire, and then tomorrow, the shit hits the fan. I am 100% certain he'd rather be home, but hubby is a good guy. He's trying to fix things and you know what? People are amazed that he has made no enemies in the process. He has a very straight forward, informal style. He's diplomatic and courteous and never lets his emotions get in the way, even if from the sidelines you want him to push back hard and harder at times. He knows how to control himself and this voice of reason gives him a lot of leverage. They need him.

Still, I know he'd rather be home. We'd all rather he be home. I predict he won't be home for hours.

perspective

At 10pm I was in the living room, playing through a movement as quietly as a I could. Soft pedal fully depressed and playing slowly enough for the least volume. I was aware that Jake was already fast asleep, right above this grand piano. I no longer had my sister's upright with the practice pedal, so what choice did I have? I have a huge pile of music to learn.... But then I stopped. I couldn't do this to him.

Jake had called me at 6:30 to tell me he had just gotten off the bus from cross country and was walking home. It was dark out. He was also starving. And then when he walked in, he look at me with a long face. Mom... I have a social studies test, tomorrow! You do? So you'll study, I shrugged, there's time. It just feels late because it's dark. BUT IT'S ON EVERY SINGLE THING WE'VE LEARNED SINCE DAY 1!! Really...? When did you find out about it? TODAY!!!

I was now observing myself as if having an out of body experience. I didn't ask him how he could have gone to the cross country meet, knowing he had such a test that was probably announced a week ago. (That discussion would be for tomorrow, AFTER the test.) I didn't ask him how he could have gone to Social Studies everyday and not have known about this test until today. (Well, that's what happened and he certainly didn't do this on purpose.) I didn't order him to go study right now. (He was obviously stressed and in need of encouragement.) Any of those knee jerk statements would have been unproductive and anxiety provoking stuff and did he really need that?  I took a deep breath and put my hand on his shoulder. I told him it was going to take 20 minutes for me to get dinner on the table. Did he want to shower? And go see if the Social Studies teacher left notes on his website? You're going to be okay, I told him, and you know why? Because you've been keeping up, everyday. This test is a review of all the material so far, you're not learning anything new tonight, okay?

Later when I went to kiss him good night, every light was on in his room but he was already in bed with glasses off and practically asleep. Poor kid. I stopped at his desk and sat down. There laid a double sided sheet of about 40 terms, names of things and people he should know, with a pen nearby as if he were coming right back. 4 boxes remained blank, I looked at the first one. Who is Terrence So and So? I HAVE NO IDEA! he told me from under his covers. I opened his social studies textbook and looked this guy up. How could they be on page 646 of this book already? Wow, was this writing ever dense and overwhelming! He was head of the American Socialist movement, I explained as I skimmed, everyone was aware that in America, things were becoming very unequal, with just the rich becoming richer and everyone else being left behind.... and there were 2 different ideas of how to fix the problem. There were the Socialists and the Progressives....

After another box more, I shut the book and switched off the light. It was enough and too much for one night. This was no life or death matter, either. Sleep well, okay? It looks like you know A LOT of stuff! And I bet Senorita at study hall will help you at 1st period, tomorrow.... Yeah, he told me, I'm going there. I kissed him and smiled, you see? You're a good problem solver! You're doing the right things!

All is good. Jake and I have come a long, long way. Me, especially, in learning to be patient, not letting my own anxiety get in his way, and behaving in ways that help.

extra week

It is 9:30 and hubby is still at work. He left the house at 7, this morning. He's so swamped, he tells me, that he doesn't even have time to use the bathroom. He has been given more responsibilities since late summer, and so I'm not sure if this is the new reality or just the ups and downs of the cycle.

The kids face-timed him, tonight and said their good nights, and he gave us a tour of his office after we gave him a tour of what the living room now looks like without sister's piano.... I am never as busy as he, or at least not in the same kind of way. And I'm lucky I don't have to sit at a desk all day! But we certainly know it's good he has this job and that he is useful and needed. Still, I do feel bad about how much of hubby's life is spent at work, or not at work and worrying about work!

The great thing that happened a few weeks ago? Hubby had his 10th anniversary at the company and was given an extra week of vacation. So instead of 3 weeks per year, he now gets 4. And the cherry on top was that he found out they'll give him an extra week of vacation before the end of this calendar year instead of waiting til 2015.

I'm glad for him! He really needs whatever down time he can get.

the right things

I didn't buy or keep it, she didn't sell or give it away. Today, it was moved home, to HER! Finally!

Mom, please don't be mad at me, ok? he asked me first thing. We talked at length about his difficult second period.

Temperamental and frustratingly stuck on things as he can be, this kid is as honest as they get and always owns up to his mistakes without fail. He is not capable of deception. I am so grateful he always wants to talk to me about things, even at risk of getting into trouble. His need to understand and be understood trumps his need to be right. I am so proud of him! We crafted the following email to his teacher:

**************
3:26 PM
Dear Mrs. Ana,

I have Belac next to me, watching me type as we write this letter together. We have spoken about his words today....

First, he is sorry for saying 'a bad word' and for having a bad attitude. Even though he felt that saying that word helped him 'let it go' he understands that he was disrespectul. Also, we talked about when I am upset with his brother, how he feels bad even though it has nothing to do with him, and therefore, how his good (and bad) behavior/words influence those around him.

Second, Belac promises he will 'speed walk' instead of run. He says he will really try.

We talked about expressing his feelings more maturely. For example, this rule does not make sense! Or, I don't like this rule! etc.

He also understands that if he doesn't control his language, he will end up in the Asst. Principal's office.

If there is anything else I need to know, please feel free to be in touch. Belac wants to have a successful 6th grade year and behave like a good-mannered and likeable kid. We agree he can do this, even though mistakes happen.

Thank you Mrs. Dona for understanding. Also, Belac will be apologizing to you tomorrow for using this language in your class.

Gimky and Belac

***************
5:33PM
Dear Gimky,

I wanted to let you know Belac was seen flexing his jaw today on many occasions. I was concerned because it is not something I usually see him do. I thought it might be related to his medication...?

Also, Belac entered our classroom today and said, "Sh*t!" very loudly. Many students laughed and I spoke to him in the hallway. I told him I was going to let you know.

Thanks,
Dona

**************
5:48PM
Dear Ms. Snowflake and Belac,

Thank you for your letter! I should have checked my emails before I wrote to you.

I appreciate you taking the time to craft a letter, and I am happy to hear Belac will be working on expressing his feelings more maturely. Please come to me, Belac, if you need something; I am here to help and support you! I am also a good listener if you are feeling frustrated, confused, angered, etc.

I see Belac as a bright, good-natured boy who usually has a wonderful attitude. I am happy to be his teacher and working with him this year.

See you tomorrow,
Mrs. Ana :)

***************

Nighty night

Laundry folded and mostly put away

2 loaves of challah, sliced and sealed in air tight containers

Half a tray of lasagna, leftover from dinner, cut into rectangles for nuking and putting in thermoses for lunch

Backpacks in mudroom and phones charging

House in decent good order

I've not always been so organized, but over time and as I've tried to help my kids, my entire family has come to the important realization: being organized and preparing in advance reduces stress and helps us sleep better.

Nighty night!

wowwee

Oh my God, I exclaimed, LOOK AT THESE NUMBERS!!!!

I put my arm around my Jake and looked at him. His face was very serious and scared, maybe confused, as we looked at his progress reports and grades online. He leaned in to have a close look.

Math 89.84
Social Studies 88.55
Science 98.29
STEM 96.25
English 92.39
French 82.78

Was he going to cry? I was emotional for him. He has never earned grades across the board like this. Nothing even - or remotely - close. I think he had long ago concluded he wasn't honor roll material. He smiled quietly, his face was red, and then he did the best little song and dance in his seat.

I'm so proud of you, I hugged and kissed him, and you totally deserve these numbers. Your hard work and not giving up is paying off, Jacoby!!! We looked at the grade break downs. Each class had already had 1 quiz and 1 test and many assignments, both graded and ungraded.

This is a kid who works slower than his peers and learned to wear a watch, this year. A kid who, for the past 6 weeks, has spent at least 2 hours a day studying at his quiet work station in a room, totally stripped of anything potentially distracting. A kid who has - with extreme effort - been keeping track of his stuff. A kid who has been running 5 days a week and 6-1/2 minute miles. Any one of these things, alone, would have been something to really celebrate. This was.... unbelievable.

And what is Jake doing now? First thing after dinner? Doing a French assignment that had been due on Friday and was counted as a 0. It accounted for what he now described as his 'low' grade and he wanted to fix it. I am so proud of this kid for not giving up. Never give up!

challah

An hour reserved for hard cleaning and organizing by everyone in the family. The house is shiny and ready for another work week. It's our Sunday afternoon routine. Everyone's rooms, folders and backpacks cleaned out. Kitchen scrubbed, laundry running and clothes folded, enough for the next 5 days.

Jake braided some challah. We now bake our bread instead of buying the sliced stuff.  I use a cup of whole organic milk instead of water. 3 or 4 eggs instead of 2. Cake flour and letting it rise 3 times instead of 2 and being careful not to over bake. Extra honey for good measure and no egg painting, I don't care for the shiny look or the crispy shell. This recipe is just the right fluffy vs. dense consistency and the kids eat it like there's no tomorrow. It's like dessert.

I'm feeling a little better now. The time I've given other things and people besides my own kids and my own hubby has been excessive as of late. Then I was in rehearsal all day, yesterday, and teaching all morning. Do I want to get dumplings with you this week, are you crazy? Who do you think you are? Why won't the parents of my last piano student scram? I can't take another minute of this small talk! And then I suddenly have all of these special needs parents, who I so appreciate love this new special needs programming I've helped start up, but no, NO! I don't want to be your facebook friend, ok? No offense. I already have a list of people there I wish didn't know my business.

Totally glad and relieved for this afternoon to ourselves. Given how smoothly the year has started for both boys, how well things are going for all of us, I'm not letting anything intrude on our easy Sunday afternoons!

effort

Jake and his friend from nursery school ate pizza and hung out, last night. Belac off to Ethan's for the night. Hubby and I were invited out with friends in Greenwich. It all seemed like a good enough idea, but the truth is, a huge wad of dough later and chatting with hubby about it on the way home, neither of us really enjoyed ourself. Sure, it was nice to sit down to a fancy meal some place new and be a little dressed up. But with these people? Who we had to listen talk on and on about themselves like we'd be that interested? How was your fish? I asked hubby. It was goopy, he told me.

Well, I sighed as we zoomed home on the 287, it's important that we see them now and again. I mean, we've known them for a decade. Jake and their son are life long friends.... I mean, look at my parents, they lost friends over some of my mom's stupid intolerances. And it's weird, hubby mused, my parents really don't have friends either. And at an age, I noted, when you might need friends the most!

Picking up Belac from Hebrew School, I chatted with Dot a bit. And then Robin asked, what's wrong...?  I rolled my eyes inside. How many excuses did I have to make?  I DON'T WANT TO GET DUMPLINGS WITH YOU? What does he want from me?? Oh nothing, I replied feeling put on the spot with a polite smile on my face, I'm just tired, it's been a long week!

Maybe it's my own fault that some people are a certain way with me. Maybe I have previously been a too enraptured audience and people think we are better friends than we are. I did tell the truth, I was tired. But you know what? I have no inclination to hear what others have to say about themselves right now, and their expectation of me hanging onto every word. And recently, I have been cringing on Facebook. I really find people's narcissism unbearable. If it weren't for my sisters and these special needs pages I maintain, I'd sign off on that tiring, predictable place.

Can we all just be a little more real? A little less overly concerned about oneself and trying to win everyone's 'likes'? Sometimes I wish there were a button for, 'who fucking cares?'

middle school

a clip from Belac's movie

Call from Jake to tell me there was a x-country meet and he'd be getting on the bus soon. What a gorgeous day! Did he want me to go? Did he have water...? He didn't have money on him and didn't want to borrow money from anyone. Are you leaving soon? I'll come by and bring water.

Zipped up there with a water bottle and a new thing of Pringles. Wow, he said. Well, you can share it with your friends, I explained. Oh! Hi Jared! I bumped into his friend, how's it going? Fine. He was quiet and with someone next to him, and they just looked at me in a not so unfriendly way, but not that friendly either. Really? Are you kidding me? Was there a weird vibe or was it just me. Also Jake standing quietly. Is this how middle schoolers are? I noticed when I said good bye that Jake lingered a little, the two boys went off, and then Jake went to his backpack. There were pubescent girls and boys jockeying for each other's attention, checking each other out and behaving like, well, middle schoolers I guess.

I love this age with my kids. However, stopping in like that made me realize how hard the social scene at school is. Middle school. It just sucks.

together

Hubby and I have both had late nights. I arrived at home much later than everyone else and when the kids were off to bed, we watched the movie "Chef." It was entertaining enough. Heading up and  turning off lights, Jake was now out of bed. He couldn't sleep and was hungry. You're hungry?? Hubby rummaged around the fridge and made him a salami sandwich. It was close to midnight, now. We chatted at the kitchen island a little. Sure enough, we heard the boom of someone else jumping out of bed, running foot steps and now Belac appeared from the darkness, happy as a clam, smiling from ear to ear. I can't sleep either, let's have some FAMILY TIME!! he exclaimed, clearly ready to party. Hubby handed him a piece of bread smothered with nutella.

Hubby up and out by 6am for work. Kids - surprisingly - down by 7am. I now had nothing to pack the kids for lunch, and so made a double batch of Kraft mac and cheese for both breakfast and lunch. The kids were thrilled and wolfed down this processed stuff....

I am so proud of my boys, who helped so much at the special needs service, last night. They were greeters and kind to the others. Belac wanted more jobs than I could give him and was the first to raise his hand in sharing what good thing happened this week. I saw Ethan holding hands with an 8 year old boy, who clearly had motor and cognitive challenges. And Jake greeted everyone and was helpful, even if he didn't want to dance. 

We've really settled into a good routine and easy together time. I'm so lucky and grateful!

SNAP

Special Needs Programming. I don't mention 'special needs' in the letter. And what's great is that both special needs and neuro typical kids are volunteering. We all learn from each other....

Dear Volunteers,

Thank you so much for volunteering for SNAP and being an Ambassador of our community. This new SNAP service aims to help kids get more comfortable with synagogue and the Jewish traditions. Some attendees may have never been to synagogue or to Hebrew School before. SNAP is their opportunity to have that Jewish experience. Your welcoming demeanor and role modeling of good behavior is important and so appreciated!

The most important thing we all can do  is to be welcoming and friendly to those around us. Say hello and introduce yourself. Sit or stand next to someone you may not know. Even if you might feel awkward, think of how it might be for someone who hasn’t come to synagogue or who might not know anyone yet. You can help them feel more comfortable. More important than saying all the right things or being cool, is your effort. Your good intention is so appreciated!

At the service, if you can each sit with other kids and ideally next to someone new or someone you don’t know, that would be wonderful! The Rabbi will ask about the good things that happened; try to think of something beforehand to offer. It helps to break the ice for others. (And if he doesn’t call on you or right away, please do not have any hard feelings! He will likely be calling on new comers first!) When there is dancing and marching, instruments and singing, please don’t be shy! Modelling to the others is so valuable and teaches those who aren’t used to going to synagogue what they can do!

You each have something so special to share and have so many ways to be helpful! I am so touched that you are volunteering and our community thanks you, wholeheartedly!!

Below is the list of volunteer tasks. If you have any questions, email, call or simply ask me at service! SNAP starts at 5:30. If you can arrive 10 minutes early, that would be perfect!!

See you soon and thank you again!

Gimky

GREETERS (5:20-5:40): Pretty Harp Player and Jake (FYI, Kiddush starts at 5:30 in the backroom, but you’ll stay at the front door to help latecomers get situated) Some ideas for greetings:
    Welcome to ....!
    My name is ......, what’s your name?
    Can I help hang your jacket?
    Kiddush will be starting in X minutes in the backroom, Sarah is there with your name tag.
    (Any small talk)

NAME TAG LEADER (5:20-5:40) and buddy to Barbie: Sarah
    Welcome to SNAP!
    My name is Sarah, what’s your name?
    Can I help find your name tag?
    Here’s a pen and blank name tag if your name is not here.
    We’re going to have kiddush in a few minutes, find any spot at the table.

CHALLAH PREP (5:20-5:30) and ARK DOOR: Belac
    One challah roll on each of 6 plates, covered by a napkin.

JUICE POURER (5:20-5:30) and buddy to Singer: Ethan
    At least 4 small glasses at each of 6 stations

KIDDUSH MINGLER, CONFIDENT SINGER,  PERCUSSION, TORAH HOLDER: Drummer boy

ARK DOORS - Open: David & Belac
ARK DOORS -  Close: Singer & Piano Student

SWEETS DISTRIBUTION (Finale) - Barbie & Pretty Harp Player

virtual morning

5:30am - Hubby's alarm goes off

6am - Hubby begins virtual bike ride in Hawaii

6:15 - Belac pitter patters downstairs

6:45 - upstairs alarm goes off, blaring One Republic song

6:46 - MOM!!! Belac calls, IT'S TIME TO GET UP!

6:47 - I go down the hall, Belac's room is dark and Jake is brushing his teeth

6:50 - Down to start coffee, Belac is dressed appropriately and making a nutella sandwich

6:52 - Jake pours a huge juice for breakfast

7 - Belac and Jake shoot hoops, I pack lunches

7:05 - Hubby is finished with ride and heads up to shower

7:20 - Hubby makes an omelette

7:28 - We say good bye to the kids, who walk to school. Then have a novel few minutes to ourselves.

7:35 - Hubby leaves for work, I head out with dog


Everything is different when Belac is up early like that. There is no egging him on for every little thing and it feels supremely easy. Maybe I should bike during the week instead of running, hubby mused as I kissed him good bye. Hubby is now training indoors and no one loves watching hubby bike more in virtual reality than Belac. I know! I agreed, if it means mornings like this, it's a no brainer!

lead

As I left a special needs round table meeting, I found a text from hubby:

I can relate to how Belac sometimes gets obsessed about mistakes/prior things and wants to just 'erase' the problem and reconfirm everything is ok.

There was an agenda passed around, today, and I was taking notes as usual. A dozen of us meet once a month, each representing various institutions, social services, and synagogues in Westchester, and plan a year of lectures and experiences for special needs families. We operate with grant and private money. The organization has been running for 7 years and has put on free and open to the public events attended by both 500 people and 5 people. I volunteer with the occasional Facebook update, take meeting notes to be distributed, shmooze at various events and contribute to discussions as basically a mom with a special needs kid.  I know nothing about money, grants, who is who or what any of the acronyms mean that always get thrown around in these circles. I'm great with faces and horrible with names. I'm the one 'lay person' among the bunch and a newbie, to boot. Suddenly, today, one of the social workers turned to me and said, Gimky, in case it's not clear, we are asking you to take the lead.

What? I exclaimed to everyone at the table, no way!!

I didn't know what I was doing either, said the founder of the group, reassuring me, and we'll help you.

I didn't know - until today - that one of the speakers costing $1600 was considered affordable. And while I agree that I know a lot, there's so much more that I don't know. I did not say yes, only that we should talk outside of the meeting.

And then before we adjourned, someone got me to tell the story about the new special needs programming at our synagogue. I told how Belac dropped in and out of Hebrew School over the years and the former principal could only shrug and claim there were limits to what a small institution could provide for kids like him. That I went to the Rabbi in exasperation, pointing out a crazy looking guy who always shows up, saying, you count him for minyan, right? Everyone counts, right? How someone else thought we needed a lot of money to start something, and how I didn't think it needed anything but a few thoughtful people and effort and an attitude change. And how now, several years later, the Rabbi and I started special needs programming at our synagogue. And while he kept telling me to not be daunted if no one came, our first service involved 11 kids and nine families. And the next service now has 18 kids and 11 families RSVPed. And while all the programming has been free and financially absorbed by me (only 100 bucks of supplies - though a lot of time), we have people who have been moved to donate money to this initiative simply because their kids are being given what they feel is a special opportunity.

That story makes me emotional, said the founder. She should get up and present at the bigger meeting, someone else said.

I realized something on my drive home. I think they want me precisely because I'm a little person, a fish out of water, trying to influence change for the sake of my son. It's not my profession, like everyone else's at the table besides the founder, instead it's the life I'm living, and that's a big difference. I am emotionally invested in a way others may not be because of their professional interests. The founder told me privately in the hallway as we were both rushing out, the best programs are run by parents, let's talk.

18 minutes

Mom, Belac came running downstairs, pulling on socks and wiping away tears, I need to tell you something that is stressing me out!! I feel like people tell secrets and they don't tell me!! Jake is supposed to have his own friends and they talk about things with Jake and not me.

I heard Jake let out a groan in the background. What are you talking about? I asked.

Ethan and Jake were talking about things and they wouldn't tell me! he explained, now crying.

It was now 7:10am on a school morning and not the time to be discussing this. He had 18 minutes until he needed to be physically walking to school, but sometimes he'd get these realizations in his head and there was no stopping it. This kid was over 2 nights ago, already. I handed him a slice of bread smothered with nutella.

You know what, Belac? I sat down with him and spoke slowly. I think sometimes what happens, is that you might not be following along with the conversation. Then when people are laughing and you ask what someone just said, they don't want to repeat themselves and it's just easier for them to say 'it's nothing'... I don't think people are intending to keep something secret from you but they might not want to repeat themselves....  So there's 2 things you can do. Either try to pay more attention to the conversations between other people nearby or you ask people to repeat themselves. If they don't repeat themselves, there's not much you can do and you just have to deal with it....  The other thing is, maybe you should tell your friends that you feel left out when this happens because it's hard for you to pay attention. Maybe they will be better about repeating themselves or learn to get your attention when they think something funny is about to happen. Or if someone is about to say something important....

He was still crying.

You know, when I was growing up, I didn't have as many friends as you and I was hardly invited to anyone's house. And that's sort of because I never invited anyone to my house, because my parents weren't into play dates.... You know, if only I talked to my friends, maybe it would have been better. They would understand that even though I couldn't invite them over, I really liked them. And even though I always wanted to go over to their houses, I wasn't allowed to. Otherwise, they probably thought I just didn't want to go, but that wasn't true at all...! So I think it's good for you to talk to Ethan and Josh about how you feel, maybe they don't know. But don't let it be the first thing you say to them, today, okay? Enjoy their company and have fun first, and then you can just bring it up calmly. Like "sometimes when you're all laughing about something, I feel left out...."

Hubby wiped Belac's nutella smeared and teary moist face and gave him a kiss.

It was 7:28. Shoes tied, dog on leash, and off we all went.

Columbus day

setting up a buffet dinner

Turned around and there was Belac, laying in a bed at Ikea and burrowed under the covers. Izzy jumped in and I had to take a picture of them and laugh. At least they kicked off their shoes beforehand. At one point, Izzy was pushing a cart with both Belac and her sister riding within. Jake chasing them with his own cart. The occasional reprimanding from either me or Kati. I bought a light fixture for the basement and replaced some dishes that had broken. Izzy picked out purple string lights and a shelf for her room. Her sister, a shaggy rug. We all had lunch at the cafeteria. And what was supposed to be a 30 minute coffee at Kati's turned into an afternoon of pushing furniture around the kids' bedrooms, the kids running around and playing monopoly, and just easy hanging together.

I also made the best baked ziti ever! The trick? Sour cream instead of ricotta, and lots of provolone and mozzarella. The family that bought Natalie's house came for dinner. We've become friendly over the years. The hubbies run regularly and I teach the 2 daughters. I really like them.

A great Columbus day.

beginer's guide

Found Belac drawing in the light of the tv as Ethan and Jake watched Cosmos. He wasn't paying attention at all, but working on this game he made up.

Now hear running around, laughing and screaming upstairs. Heard hubby unsuccessfully trying to get the boys to bed. We love these sounds too much.... I will have to go up to tame this group. 

not a school night

It's 9:54pm. Both boys and Ethan watching "Cosmos" while drinking root beer that Belac just made.

The sweetest bunch of geeks ever!

father and son

watching para-sailers run off a cliff

Amazing "three Peak" hike in the Catskills, today. Gorgeous day, crazy fall colors, and just great company. What a work out, too! Nothing makes me happier than being outside with the fam.

realizations

You know what I figured out? I told hubby the other night, I figured out my mom probably has borderline personality disorder. I was reading about it and I realized, that's my mom! Or at least that's how she was when we were growing up.

I knew that, hubby told me, agreeing.

But you knew what it was called? That it was called that...? I mean, here I am, looking it up for other reasons. And right away I'm thinking, well, that pretty much describes my mom! At least how she used to be.... I mean, these people apparently mellow out between 40 and 50.

Yesterday, my friend and I talked.  I told her what I now realized about my mom. Did your mom ever talk about killing herself? Yes, I thought she was just depressed. But she could be reckless. On a road trip, I remember she was so mad at us for some reason. One moment we were at a store and suddenly we were all hurried to the car by my dad. I don't know why. And she was yelling at us as she was driving. Looking over her shoulder, I saw she was driving 100 mph.... She once threatened my dad with a knife if he wouldn't stop blocking her from leaving the house. I mean, she was pretty crazy, and of course he had to let her go.... My mom, though, she had 3 kids at home who needed her.... Maybe that prevented her from totally going over the deep end. She had 3 very real reasons to try to control her demons.

I think this is probably hard to diagnose. I mean, it's easy to just roll your eyes and say someone has a strong or bad temper. Women can be easily written off as emotional.... Anyway, I just want to say I know this is very hard. It's also not your fault.... You're my role model on how to be a good mom! She's been able to manage as well as she has, until now, because you've always been there for her.... You can't take her actions personally, she can't help it. And as much as you love her and want to help her, these problems are not going away fast. First and foremost, you must take care of yourself. It took me a long time to figure that out.

long week end

Rainy Saturday morning. Jake fried up some turkey bacon. Belac vacuumed the kitchen and set the table for bkfst. Now waiting on hubby to finish his bike ride to eat. Belac drawing. He forgot to work on and turn in 2 drawing assignments, due weeks ago. Jake upstairs working on Math and it's hard. I tried to help, but only added to the confusion.

MOM!!!! This makes no sense what you're doing!! NO SENSE AT ALL!! And I could only laugh at the ridiculousness of an entire page I filled up. I know! It IS the correct answer, though. But I don't know how to explain it or simplify what I just did.... We need Dad!!

We all agree that everyone finishes their work, tidies up, and then we pack up to Lulu's tonight. It's great incentive to get everything done beforehand. I'm baking bread and bringing a salad, Lulu's putting together a lasagna, and if it's cold enough, we'll make a fire. We then have an epic hike planned for tomorrow, when the sun comes out.

Monday, Kati and I are together. Where are we taking our kids on their day off from school...? IKEA. Izzy needs a book shelf, both boys need more/better lighting in their bedrooms and we'll eat lunch before heading home. The most mundane tasks are always fun with this crew.

A nice work and play combo. My idea of the best kind of long week end.

Friday

I've never had an exceptional piano student before. Like a kid who really practices, is motivated and curious, listens to everything I have to say and actually feels something when she plays. And now I do. It is exhilarating and the most uplifting way to end a Friday afternoon. She is not very advanced, but brings something seriously compelling to the table. She asked her mom for 45 minutes instead of the  30, a few weeks into the year, and is now getting hour-long lessons. Today, I found myself thinking about Mrs. Abramsohn as I looked over the girl's shoulder and hummed along to MacDowell. I mean, even every note of this girl's Czerny is musical!

The girl also plays the violin in the school orchestra and as she lingered on her way out, I suggested she bring her violin next time and I'd help her. If she can play both instruments pretty well and as well as I think she can - and if she wants it - she could have a future in music. Her parents are immigrants and run a nail salon, 6-7 days a week; I'm not sure either knows just how talented their daughter is.

Hubby came home and glimpsed the girl, her brother and their cousin, out back and playing on the dome. I see some kids back there, he noted as he came in. Yup, I said, they are my students! They're on their way home.

I'm flattered that kids linger here, even without my boys around.

undone

Hubby showed me a series of confidential emails, last night, that undid a deal.

I feel bad for everyone involved. Especially hubby, who was thrown into this position of trying to manage the logistics of a large donation to the synagogue.

My take away?

With anything important, you have to meet face to face. Period.

rock

I'm locked out! 

What? The door to the garage is locked?

Yes. Where are you now?

Gimky, I'm late for a meeting and almost in Stamford. Did you check the rock?

Oh yeah, where was that rock again? It was 7:55am and I had just gotten back from walking the boys. I scanned the wall of rocks, looking for the hollow one. I hadn't thought about this rock in years and hoped there was a key in it. And what do you know? There was a key!

Who locked the door in the garage?

I'm sure it was Belac. There's been a kid that he hasn't wanted to play with on our block. I have to admit, he's not my favorite kid. He whines when he doesn't get his way. He calls me every few minutes to fight his battles.  Whenever the boy hears the basketball hitting the pavement, he comes over to find Belac. Often times the little sister comes, and comes right into our house asking for Belac's coveted marshmallows. That, in particular, is a source of great annoyance for Belac. I now keep lots of marshmallow bags just to show Belac we have so much and insist that he be generous....

Yesterday, the boy came over. I heard Belac say he had to go do homework, a little white lie we discussed he could say instead of 'I don't want to play with you.' And then he came in and shut all the doors to the house. I bet he locked the door to the garage, too.

We need to hang a key in the garage, hubby instructed, and don't forget to put the other key right back in the rock, Gimky!!

story

I didn't know what to do. My food sat there getting cold. I looked at Mom. She looked at me. She picked up the spoon and looked at me with the question on her face.... I nodded.

I was teary-eyed. Belac saw my shiny eyes and now wouldn't look at me.  What didn't they know what to do? I asked. Why was her food cold?

Nobody said anything, but I saw them look down at their plates with way too much attention. It got quiet. Even Conner stopped talking.
 

Why aren't they talking, Belac...? And now I was all out weeping.

Oh my God, mom! It's just a story, he was looking at me head on now. It's just a story, okay? Don't cry!! Oh my God, mom!!

But it makes me sad! Melody feels like a real person to me. You know what? I understand this part. Because whatever makes you sad, makes me so sad! Melody is so sad at this part and her mom just loves her so much and wants to do the right thing and make things better. And both of them, they're just not sure what to do. I was weeping. OH MY GOD, MOM! he declared. And you know what else I want to tell you? I continued. This is why reading is so important. You are going to learn so much by reading, Belac. You will never be alone if you can read and understand what you read.

Okay, but mom? It's just a story!

He didn't like seeing me this way. I kissed him and patted his back. Yes, it's a very good story!

growing pains

Made it into the city in 35 minutes and found a free parking spot just a half a block from Lincoln Center. In less than 10 minutes, I was checking out an obscure piano score at the Performing Arts library that had not left the building since 1984. It needed a bar code. It was all so quick! So of course I could not head home without meandering around Lincoln Center.

I checked out the posters at the opera and made a note to take the kids to Hansel and Gretel, this year. I looked at a solar installation near the fountain, what an eyesore. The grassy area was roped off or I would have laid down and enjoyed my surroundings.  I took a good look at Juilliard, can't believe I ever went to school there, what ancient history! Looked up to the window where I used to live in the dorm, one claustrophobic year. I was never there unless I had to sleep. Then eyed the escalator. Suddenly I remembered saying good bye to someone there, at the bottom of that escalator, who abruptly withdrew from Juilliard because he couldn't take it. He did suck it up and return, the following year, but I'm pretty certain it was not the right place for him from the things he told me later. I was his teacher's studio pianist, and saw him often. The cut throat competition, the price tags of everything, and the unrelenting pace caused him obvious anxiety. He's a Professor of Violin in Texas now and doing very well, from what I know. But he's also far away from NYC.

It's a tough place. One year, when I was accompanying entrance auditions, there was an an abrupt interruption. One of the teachers packed up and ran out of the room. There was a long break before the auditions resumed. It turns out a student, of the teacher who left, had just jumped off a building uptown....

A couple of weeks ago, there was a serious alert issued. There was a local kid, 21 years old, who had vanished. He had taken a medical leave from University due to depression. There was no activity on his phone or bank card all day and his parents were frantic and knew something was wrong. 2 days later, he was found in a park, nearby, and he was not alive.

I have a different personality than my children's and a different threshold for stress. And I realize more than ever, how important it is to actively love and accept my children for who they are. Still help them, of course, but not slather on certain expectations that cause them stress. They already stress themselves out enough without my adding to the mix. It's important that my kids know they are worthy and capable of so much, no matter what misfortunes befall them and mistakes they make. There are so many ways to be successful and happy. And they must always be in the mindset of helping others and others needing and depending on them. I think this generosity of spirit is really important and necessary for a meaningful life.