Caleb

We have had months of discussions about his swearing. It landed him in the assistant principal's office, too. Oh my God. What the Hell? What the F *! Dammit. It was disrespectful to his teachers. Distracting to other kids. All the reasons why he shouldn't swear. We've been through it all over time and the words more or less just keep falling out of his mouth.

But it makes him feel good. Feel better. Stronger. Older. Other kids do it, why can't I? I understand the confusion. I even heard an NPR segment on the benefits of swearing. When I grow up, can I swear? I heard you swear. I hear you say shit. I heard dad say things. How come you get to swear and I can't? Why? Why...?

Last night, his friend was over. OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I heard Belac exclaim as they were building something. There's worse for sure. But everyday, the words slip out. The F word, half spoken, and what the hell? especially. Everyday I hear from him that "all" the kids at camp say it and when they say it to him, it's fine. Normal. Hubby heard on this occasion and separated Belac from his friend and was again lectured for the umpteenth time. It was again reason for tears. But it feels good coming out of my mouth, Belac protested.

It was an hour over dinner of his weeping and talking to me about it. Hubby was on a conference call. Mom, are you going to get mad at me if I tell you something? I called someone a bitch. You did? Yes, I told a girl that someone was a bitch to me. When? In 4th grade, my worst year ever.... First of all, a bitch is a girl. And you must promise me that you never ever call a girl a bitch, especially not to her face. It's one of the very worst things you can say to a girl. Well, I didn't, I called a boy a bitch... Okay, but it shows you really don't know what you're saying. It's really offensive. I mean, Belac, you don't want people calling you a bastard, do you? He looked at me, bastard...? Mom! You just taught me another word! Ugh. And around and around in circles we went. It's hard for me to think on my feet.

Then he told me this story. Mom, at elementary school, I heard a dad swear at his kid. You did? Why? I Um, I don't really know. So he yelled and swore at his kid? No, he didn't yell. But he said to the girl, what the hell are you doing! Hm. And what do you think? It was wrong. Wrong of the dad? Yes. Well, what if the girl did something terrible, do you still think it was wrong of the dad? And then here we were. Entering an area his mind hadn't ventured yet. Yes, came the reply after awhile. Why? I pushed him. He didn't know and couldn't figure it out. Maybe he sounded like he lost control, that's why? Even though you don't know what happened, it sounded like the dad was out of control and mean, right? It's not the way you talk to someone you care about, even if you're mad. Is that right...? You don't want people to think that about you, do you? That you're out of control or mean? You're one of the nicest kids I know, Belac.

And the tears flowed again. I want to be part of the club, Mom! Don't you want me to be part of the club?! I want to be like everyone else...!!

I want you to be YOU, I told him and now tried hard not to cry. You are an amazing kid and I am so lucky for you. You're perfect! Kind and thoughtful, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I wasn't trying to help you be better. You can be an example to the other kids that you don't have to say those words to be cool.  There are other ways to be cool. And yes, I swear and I shouldn't. I'm going to try not to swear okay? But that doesn't mean that I can't encourage you not to swear, just because I also find myself doing the wrong thing and swearing at times. I know it's hard and we'll try to stop swearing together, okay?

We never had a discussion like this before. There was total engagement on his part. And for the first time, he explained to me his confusion and feelings about what was going on. To hear him talk about feeling stronger and better and wanting to fit in by doing something we were telling him was wrong, for him to know that we want him to fit in but to feel we were saying something totally contradictory by telling him not to swear, and his wanting to be like everybody else.... Could I even begin to articulate such a thing at 11? Much less 18? Oh my God! was all I could think as I wiped my tears and cleaned up, this kid never ceases to amaze me.