dinner date

Lily's family is coming for dinner today. We like to have people over. I like to cook. But this invitation makes me nervous because it's different from all the others.

Next week end, Belac is having a birthday sleepover. A mom called to tell me this would be her son's first ever sleepover. She told me he had been invited to others before but she never felt comfortable allowing him. She also brought up her son's past night terrors. Although he hadn't had one in about a year, she wanted and needed me to know. I was flattered that she felt I could deal with whatever would happen. More importantly, as I hung up, I realized how important this straight-forward relationship between us parents is when it comes to the 'success' of our kids' experiences.

The thing about Lily and Belac, is that they became friends by themselves. He chose her and she reciprocated. I never had a chance to have a conversation with the mom about him, like I've had with every other mom. I never told Lily's mom that he had an aide, or why he has an aide or services. I don't know what the school psychologist told them about Lily's lunches with Belac, or what they know of his behavior they are trying to correct in using those lunches as an incentive. I really don't know what they know or assume. Unlike any other relationship Belac has had, this friendship happened naturally and on it's own. And now they call themselves 'best' friends. With no preemptive apology or notice or explanation from me about my son's challenges, I didn't give the parents a chance to pull their daughter back in any informed way if they had a problem with it. And now, if it matters that my son is on the spectrum and doesn't exactly find school easy and even frustrating at times, it's kind of too late. Or it will just be excruciatingly painful when the other shoe finally drops....

So I am trying to just go with it. But knowing how important Lily is to Belac, I realize that I need things to be less formal between the families. I need to know that they will speak up if they are ever uncomfortable with anything. And that's why I invited them here tonight and it's why I care they have a nice time.

I drove Kati to JFK, yesterday. She flew out to help her husband pack up his apartment and drive back cross country. She pointed out to me. Gimky, Lily's family would not be coming to dinner if they already didn't like all of you. They would not have allowed her to ever spend the night or for you to drive their daughter places. Has it ever occurred to you that they don't care he has an Aide or that he's different? That they could just appreciate and love him anyway? And what if it turns out that they don't like you or him or realize 'something'? So you know and you finally know and that would be a relief, too, just to know.... You are a great family, what is there not to love?  Don't worry, she told me with a big hug and kisses, just relax and try to have a good time!