sun dried tomatoes

Made a new dish for dinner that included sun dried tomatoes. Belac loves tomatoes and eats the cherry kind like candy. He easily inhales a pint in one sitting! During dinner, I saw a lone sun dried tomato on his plate. Try it Belac, I nudged him, convinced he'd love it, what do you think? He took the tiniest nibble. I like it a little bit, he replied.

As we were cleaning up, I saw so many more sun dried tomatoes on his plate. Belac! There are so many tomatoes on your plate! Don't you want them?

Well, he said, looking up at me, I don't like them but I don't want to hurt your feelings....

Um. What did he just say...? My husband and I exchanged looks of complete shock.

Thank you, I heard myself reply in the most casual way, but it's okay that you don't like them.

Gimky, my husband told me minutes later in German because the kids were still around and could hear. If you knew he could say such a thing, 3 years ago, you'd be sobbing your head off and believing he'd be fine.

It's so true. So true!

a circle is round

Helped Kati throw a sleep-over party for her daughter, today. Belac was one of 6 kids invited and the only boy. I was happy to be there, helping out with the tie-dye shirts and the games. I kept refocusing Belac and pushing him in. Izzy kept pulling him along, too. For some reason she just loves Belac and finds him so funny. He was happy to be there, but it was a lot of stimulation and commotion for him and I could see that it was just easier for him to unplug and escape. He definitely does better in one-on-one situations. I asked him before I left if he really wanted to stay. Yes!! He told me.

Kati, call me if he freaks out about the rain and thunder. I'll come right over and get him.

He'll be fine, Gimky, she reassured me as she stood barefoot on her porch and hugged me goodbye.

And I noticed he was wandering around a lot and not always following along with everything....

There is a lot going on! He knows our house and is comfortable, she shrugged. It's fine, Gimky, just go. Go! I'll call if I need to.

For some reason, her family loves my Belac. They are so accepting of my quirky son. It's just this huge, huge thing that he's never quite had before. And it is also this enormous gift of friendship and companionship we are about to lose. It's going to be just all around terrible and heartbreaking when they go.

miracle girl

After dinner, my husband pulled out a present for the boys. Boomerang airplanes. Planes that travel in a loop back to you. My husband and I sat on the couch and watched as the kids amused themselves. Then Belac's plane hit me in the face.

Ouch! I said.

Are you okay mom? asked Belac.

I'm fine, I replied, before he ran off.

I turned to my husband. Did you hear that? Did you hear him ask if I'm okay?

A couple of summers ago, I met a girl who was studying to get her Master's degree at the Teacher's College at Columbia University. She was beautiful, articulate, competent and unassuming. We were in conducting and ear training, together, at a certification course at NYU. I liked and admired this girl's go-to attitude. I don't know how it happened, but she ended up blabbing her life story to me on a street corner in NYC, one day, and I sobbed and sobbed my head off as she fought back tears, telling me her story. One of our professors passed and asked if we were okay.

The girl did not talk at all until 8 years old and was totally withdrawn. The New York Public schools believed she was very mentally impaired and placed her in the lowest functioning, self-contained kindergarten class. Her parents fought NYC and got her into the Gateway School of NY, a place where they eventually got her to talk literally flash card by flash card, word for word, one-on-one. It's a place that costs, today, something like $80,000 per year I think. (Maybe more.) It's a place I'd love to send Belac if I had that kind of money. I also got to meet this girl's mother. I told them that they really need to write a book! Few stories turn out this way, of course. But it did make me realize how important it is to treat problems as solvable, no matter what the others say. Experts don't always know and miracles do occasionally happen. This girl was a miracle! And of course I'm hoping for my own.

sweet new year!

I love looking at food as much as I love looking at houses!

This afternoon, I'm cooking and baking for Rosh Hashana dinner. This wasn't always my holiday and we aren't religious. However, family traditions matter to me and I embrace the opportunities to eat and be together.

My husband is coming home after a few days away. I feel we are in a good place with Jake and he's sleeping much better. Yesterday, Belac volunteered to lead his class in a song. I was told he did a 'fabulous' job. There's so much to be grateful for.

Shana tova!

fine

Mom! Don't GO--------!!

Jake, you're fine! Why do you want me to stay anyway? I always just pester you.

Because I love you.

(When was the last time I heard that?)

I love you, too.

11 nights and counting. No nightmares or terrors.

character counts

Zest, grit, self-control, social intelligence, gratitude, optimism and curiosity.

What if the secret to success is failure?

This is interesting reading. And it makes me realize that even more important than 'making the grade' is making sure that my kids learn to pull themselves through crisis. I can't go to school for them, make friends for them, fight their battles or solve all of their problems - nor should I try to. But what I can and should do, is encourage them to figure things out and press ahead with grit and zest when the going gets tough. And it's okay when the going gets tough, and that's the mindset of mine that needs changing when it comes to my kids. It's really okay if something is tough for them, it's not the end of the world for me or either of them, so long as we each know to pick ourselves up.

not much time

Took a beautiful walk near Phelps Memorial Hospital. We were out with Kati's family and they were showing us a walk they often do when there's not much time. My jaw dropped to see such an incredible view of the Hudson. The kids climbed up an outrageous tree that had carvings all the way up its trunk, a hundred feet above. The path was just an easy mile loop around. Jake and Hannah ran two laps. Izzy carried Belac piggy back and the adults moseyed along.

Kati's husband is in from San Fran. We all get along so well.... He told me they are just about to post an ad to rent out their house in Sunny Patch. Only thing is, he told me, I asked Kati when we should start renting it out and she told me, never! That sounds about right, I laughed.

My husband left before we all finished dinner in order to catch a train into NYC. He's going to be gone for several nights and next week, too. You do what you have to do.

pause

Poured myself a glass of wine and thinking about things. Izzy and Belac are out running about in the sprinkling rain. This after they had another piano lesson together. Jake is curled up with the dog and in the sunporch reading. We checked out a dozen books from the library the other day and he is in heaven. I have chicken about to go in the oven and my husband who just called to tell me he's on his way home, so much earlier than usual. Sister arrives later tonight from D.C.  Could someone please tell me where the pause button is?

middle school blues

It is interesting how my husband and I are behaving about Jake right now. Even in the most stressful times on our journey with Belac, we rarely fought. I may have cried my eyes out and stopped playing the piano, we may have had to make painful decisions like move, spend all of our savings and borrow against the house, but my husband and I were basically on the same page about what needed to be done and we never had fights about it.

The thing about Jake, is that we are on our own. He doesn't qualify for any services or interventions and so we don't have the 'team' we had when things came up with Belac. And yet, Jake clearly needs something extra to function optimally at school. To get organized and maintain it, to navigate all of the little pieces of going from class to class with all of his stuff, to refer constantly to his assignment pad and write everything down, to manage his time efficiently.... in essence, to become more self-sufficient. Yesterday, Jake didn't bring home his homework again and had not managed to turn in his work either. Luckily, Belac was invited to Lily's, and I now had 2 hours to devote to just Jake. We went back to school and we looked in his desk. What a mess. We pulled everything out and I made suggestions about how to put it all back in a better state, which he did. We went through, again, our system. All loose papers in the binder, none in the desk to get lost. We opened up his assignment pad. We had 2 sheets to find and we found them both, semi-crumpled, in his desk. We reviewed the note he had written himself to turn in his work. We peeked into his locker and picked up his lunchbox he had left behind (again).

This morning, my husband thought I was being too negative and in an exasperated way, interrupted my talk with Jake. And what happened? I lost my cool with my husband. I was the perfect, patient teacher all of yesterday afternoon! But this morning, I was laying down the law as Jake readied to leave.  What right do you have to criticize me when you're gone all of the time and you don't know what's going on?? I turned to my husband.

You know, Gimky! It's this little thing called WORK! That's what you're talking about when you accuse me of not being home! And you know what? I happen to know exactly what's going on, don't insinuate I'm an absentee father!

Well how dare you contradict me in front of him!! And where is MY positive reinforcement if it's so important??

Blah blah blah and on we went...

Why are you fighting? Belac asked as I packed lunches.

Do you ever fight? I asked him. Do you ever disagree with someone?

Yes.

Well, we are disagreeing, I explained.

About what? he asked.

About how to help Jake.

Belac went into the living room only to tell me the dog had pooped on the rug again. Ugh. I threw the dumb dog out of the house! Then I wouldn't let my husband, who was late, kiss me good bye. Why am I so terrible? He's an awesome dad. He slugs out 12 hour days for us. As he pulled out of the drive, it occurred to me that I should just run out and hug and kiss him, but my feet wouldn't move.

By noon, I was thinking more rationally. I had just finished teaching and was going to pass his office on the way home. I swallowed my pride and called. What are you doing? I asked. Wasting time and writing you a letter I've decided not to send, he answered. I picked him up for lunch. He got into the car and we just sat. I hate your schedule, I informed him as if he didn't know. He shrugged, what can I do? And I hate that we're fighting like this, I added, we never fought like this over Belac. We knew what we had to do with Belac, he pointed out. Gimky, we have to keep it positive with Jake. He had a good afternoon of productive work, yesterday. We have to ride on that, not start off the day with threats!

YOU try to keep positive. I dare you! If you saw these same things happen everyday like this, you'd be at wit's end! But he's right, you know. That's the hardest thing about being primarily home with the kids. Keeping perspective.

When I dropped my husband off after lunch, I asked. Can I read that love letter you wrote me? No! he responded. We shared a little chuckle. This time, I kissed him goodbye.

Ode to Joy

For what seemed like the 10 millionth time, I began piano lessons with Jake, last night. It has never really 'worked' over the years. It's hard to be patient with your own kid and it's hard to constantly take your own mom's advice. Every time, we fell off the band wagon after a few months. There was moving, there was homework, there were Belac's therapies, always some 'good' reason that I wasn't always on top of him before he'd just get 'too busy' and stop practicing. Then I'd feel remorse as I looked back and saw that yet another whole year passed without music in his life. Jake has an ear and his fingers look very natural at the piano. I studied piano at Juilliard, my husband won piano competitions, once upon a time! How could Jake not be playing the piano for 6 years already...??

Over the summer, I noticed Jake approach the piano over and over just to plunk out tunes. I also watched him watch other kids play our pianos and it made me sad - and even sadder to think that he could be sad about it. And then there was a conversation with his friend's mom, a piano teacher from Russia. In lamenting the quality of piano teaching in America, she told me in passing. Learning to play the piano solves everything! Everything my son has achieved came from learning to play the piano. I really believe it! I was both taken aback by her conviction and further traumatized by what I already believed to be this missed opportunity with Jake. Of course not everything is solved by the piano, but you certainly have to focus and be goal-oriented when you practice. You need to problem solve and practice regularly to improve. These are the very executive management skills Jake needs to work on....

And so this time around, I gingerly began talking to Jake about his giving the piano a go again. His buddy's mom or I could teach him. But it could also be sax lessons instead, I offered. Playing music is just a beautiful thing to have in your life. Two weeks ago, a steady stream of students began coming by the house for piano lessons. One night, I asked him what he wanted. Should I find you a sax teacher? That was my hope, actually. To my surprise, he told me he wanted piano lessons and thought I should teach him. I wondered aloud if it was a bad idea. We had unsuccessfully tried many times. I think we can try it, was all he could say. I vowed to keep it as positive as possible if he promised to try. He nodded.

Last night, I pulled out a brand new book he'd never seen before. He does read music, so he could sit down and easily stumble through a new arrangement of Ode to Joy. For 20 minutes, I encouraged him to focus on the passage that was tricky for him and then play the piece through a few times. We went over the syncopations. His assignment was to practice 15 minutes a day and play this piece easily and from memory by next week. When my husband came home, later, Jake had something to play for him and my husband sat down to make a duet of it. Jake was making mistakes all over the place, but I definitely saw him smiling a little. It had to have been fun for him. I know he likes the piano and I think he couldn't believe how great he sounded with his dad accompanying him.

rock

The interesting thing about a blog is that when you write regularly, there is a record of what you were doing and thinking about before. With just a few clicks of the mouse, I can know that I was itching to find work, last year. To do more stuff outside of the house for which I would be financially compensated. But in that search, I found I had to have just the right hours. My husband has long days and I couldn't have the kids with a sitter on both ends of the day. The job also had to make some economical sense. What's the point if it meant too much time away from the kids and almost everything drained away for a babysitter, transportation and other stuff?

This year, I am grateful to have time with my boys. Jake and I dropped Belac off and continued walking to his middle school, this morning. We talked about his binder and how he needs to bring AND open it in each class. He's still turning most of his homework in late despite completing it on time, much to my dismay. He's already trying to keep up with all that is expected of him. I asked Jake if he wanted a magnetic erase board for his locker. Would that help you? No, he told me, I don't think I'd look at it. Okay, I said, impressed that he knew that about himself. Let's just keep it simple with your assignment book.

Eventually, we found ourselves walking behind a blind high schooler. Look at him, Jake. Can you imagine that he gets to school, everyday, by himself with just that white stick? That girl in your class, Elizabeth, is going to be just like him someday. But how does he do it with just that stick? he asked. Practice, I told him. I could not in a million years close my eyes and walk all the way here without hurting myself! This kid had to have practiced A LOT. And he also had to have wanted it badly.... You know what else is remarkable? It wouldn't surprise me if there were people who thought this was too dangerous or that he couldn't do it. But look! He's walking as fast as us, to the side of the walk, up and down the bumpy path. Totally independent.

In front of the school we paused. I perched my foot on a rock and tied my shoe. Look! I pointed out, it's the perfect rock for this! You could check to make sure your shoes are tied before you run to Gym from here. Jake then laughed at me, I don't know why. Was it because I was so excited about a rock? Is it because I managed to make even a random rock part of his being prepared for school? See you later mom, he called as he headed into the building.

For Jake, I thank my lucky stars I have the time to help him figure things out. This year, I don't want it any other way.

Zigeunerweisen

Gypsy magic for Monday.  This is the beautiful Anne Sophie Mutter. Enjoy!

Seeking a place

Amazing article in the NYT today.

Over the years, I have heard various parents, the Tiger Mom type, talk about how it's so important for a child to be in the top 10% of at least one subject in order to 'succeed.' The kid can be okay enough in most things, but they need to be excellent at that one thing. In another life, I might have believed that to be true. But I no longer quite feel that way. It sure helps to be exceptionally great at one thing, but the importance of being able to relate to others and having flexibility accounts for almost everything, in my mind.

I schedule play dates like it is an academic enrichment. I take my kids everywhere and prompt them to talk to every one. Say hello, Belac, someone just said hello... look when someone's talking to you... Speak up! Pay attention! Good job! Do you hear something? What could it be? Give the person our ticket and say thank you... Go find a bag of carrots and put it in the cart. Ask Ms. Robin if you can go to the library by yourself.... Go bring this to Allie next door. Talk to Lily and find out what day she's free. Here's a dollar for the chips, stand in line and speak up when it's your turn. Ask dad when he's coming home for dinner. Don't laugh when someone's crying, is it nice when someone laughs when you're crying? What should you do instead...?  How much of this will stick in 10 years, I wonder.

A few years ago, I saw a special program on ABC news. They described a 'success' story and profiled a young married couple. Man and woman were interviewed separately and were later shown holding hands on a beach. Each was very attractive looking, though socially awkward. The girl seemed chatty and nervous, the boy more withdrawn. Each had a form of high-functioning autism. But their arrangement was not what I'd call ordinary. They each had their own bedroom. They both held jobs but each needed their own space and described some sensory things. I'm not sure exactly if it was a consummated marriage or if it was more like a commitment to co-habitate. And while it was clearly a success story in that both adults were employed and had found companionship, you could clearly see that something was atypical about their relationship. And something always stuck with me. The father of the girl said something to the effect, 'it's just heart breaking in a way, to always be so close and yet not quite there.'

The NYT article reminds me that only 10% of this population is gainfully employed. Whatever I can do to help Belac become part of and flourish in the larger community is so important. I feel like we're racing against a clock. I'm also inclined to believe that making friends and building life skills might be more important than any academic subject he could focus on in the next 10 years. Belac needs to learn not to fall apart and problem-solve when things don't go as planned and hoped. He needs to listen, look, and notice. He needs to want to please others more and more easily put his own desires on hold at times. There will have to be bouts of painful self-awareness.... Because of articles like these, we have the opportunity to learn from someone else's journey and about obstacles ahead. These individuals help pave the way and show us what's possible in uncharted territory. Go, Justin, go!

play date

Belac 9/11

Lily is over for a couple of hours. Belac ran upstairs to get this letter for her. Can we do all of this now? she asked. Yes! Belac said. They made 'complacated' ramps outside for the bike and scooter. Now the kids are drawing together at the dining table and looking at snakes in a book. Today, Lily told us she's probably getting a pet snake. It's $29.99 and we just have to put it into our cart. But after I prove to my mom that I am responsible enough.... I prompted Belac to tell her what he almost stepped on at Turkey Mountain. (A snake!)  With very little - if any - prompting, he keeps engaged with her. What a beautiful day....

sweet

During our bike ride, this afternoon, I reminded Belac about what he needed to do at a birthday party he was invited to. Follow along with the pack. Be kind. Answer questions. Be patient. The birthday boy, Josh, was someone from summer camp and school. They also see each other in religion, every week. The nice thing is, Jake was invited to the party, too. The birthday boy has an older brother, David, in the 8th grade. A good kid that I bump into, now and again, and always have interesting conversations with. I loved that Jake would have some time with the older brother, too, someone I see as a good role model.

We dropped both boys off at the party, reminding Belac continuously about his behavior. I had Jake recite my cell number to me in case there was any problem. I told Jake he needed to help Belac tie his shoes if they went outside. From a past conversation with the parents, I had mentioned something vague about Belac's attention but never anything about an aide or diagnosis. Would Belac be able to manage?

David, the older brother, lead all of the younger boys in some kind of game outside, right away. As I chatted with the parents, David sought me out.

Um, Gimky? I found Belac lying in the tall grass over there.

Oh, God. Was this not going to work right from the start? Belac, I exclaimed, don't go hiding and making people search for you!

Actually, it's hide and seek tag, the mom explained, so he was probably hiding.

I just wanted to warn you to do a tick check, David told me. Do you want me to give him one now?

No, it's okay! I'll do it later. I breathed a sigh of relief. Was that all they were worried about? Ticks?

As my husband and I were about to be off, I saw Belac run down the drive out of the corner of my eye.

Belac! I called, come back!  No running into the street!

Time to get this party organized, the mom proclaimed, almost apologetically.

Mom, Belac explained, I was trying to get the ball!

Let Josh's brother get it, okay? Come here, I instructed. Okay, I thought, he was going for good reason. Not because the situation was all hyper and he was running out-of-control to do something stupid. It was just 2 years ago he tried to run home from school. A fireman, who happened to be visiting that day, caught him, already off school grounds and having crossed a street....

Go, Josh's mom instructed me. Go and get dinner with your husband. Have fun, I have your number.

Really? Was this going to work? My husband and I went home to change out of our biking clothes. We went to a restaurant we had heard about in nearby Armonk. It was only 5p. We were like the first ones there, like seniors at an early bird special. We ordered some drinks. I wondered if Belac would last at this party which was to be 4 hours long and included watching Harry Potter. I had my cell nearby but reveled in having left the kids together some place.... We went home. My husband made a fire in the fireplace and it was just us. Pretty strange.

I got a text from the mom. Belac is watching the movie, all is fine!

My husband described a rambunctious, happy scene when he arrived to pick up the boys. So this is what 'normal' people experience. Just dropping off your kids for hours with people you don't know that well and everything being fine. Sweet.

hot yoga revisted

A friend forwarded me this craigslist ad and I really had to laugh. Only difference is this guy managed to NOT throw up like me! The guy is brilliant! I'd pay him more than the dollar just to read his ad (and throw his mat out.)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Turkey Mt.

Hiked up Turkey Mt. with Kati and our kids this afternoon. It was a gorgeous, cool day and the kids did not have school. I had the urge to be out and Kati said sure! Let's go. It was an easy and pretty hike. The kids ran around on top playing hide and seek while munching on potato chips and grapes. Kati and I sat on a rock overlooking Manhattan in the far, far distance and discussed a whole array of personal matters.

It's just a really nice friendship. Our families are physically active in the same way and it makes it easy for us to bike, hike and spend time together in the kind of way both our families appreciate.  I also just like Kati so much and trust her with things I don't with most others.

The other day, I helped her take photos of her house. We pushed things around and played around with the angles.  They are moving to California in January. Her husband is already there, having accepted a job in San Fran.... It's going to be so hard for me when they go.

growing pains

Nothing quite like a screaming fight to start the day.

Last night was Back to School night at the Middle School. I sat in Jake's homeroom class and looked around. Every child had colored a small paper t-shirt to describe 'who' they were. Kids drew little icons all over their shirts showing their love of baseball, biking, swimming, reading, etc. I scanned all of the shirts, studying each one, not sure which one was Jake's. Then I saw the one, not at all like the others, and knew immediately it was his. It was beautiful actually and more of a scene. In the middle of his t-shirt, there was a fire breathing dragon, not fighting anything or anyone but walking on green grass under blue sky.

Next was Science. I wandered the science walls looking for Jake's poster on "What is Science?" Unlike everyone else's poster, though, his was drawn on two sheets, not one. This, after I had asked him if his poster shouldn't be on just one sheet. On his first sheet, he had made a list of 30 things qualifying as science. His second sheet had all of the drawings. It was neat and beautiful, but it was obviously not what the teacher had asked for. And this, unlike the more creative t-shirt poster, disturbed me because it is Science, a subject he really likes and excels at, and a subject I think is so important. He would have to figure out how to meet his teacher's expectations and not just make it all up on his own.

Back in the homeroom we went back to meet the teacher. During that time, I took the opportunity to look in his desk. I was appalled to find it in a horrible state. There was a mess of pencils and pens that fell out as soon as any book was accessed. Each one of his 6 folders were empty except the one marked "OTHER." Every single paper from the first 2 weeks of school was jammed in there, backwards and upside down. Oh my God! As the teacher talked, I organized. Writing utensils in zippered container. Health sheets in Health folder. Math Sheets in Math folder. Writing papers in Writing folder.... Then I found a Science Sheet, upside and buried. It read.

Please create your Science Poster and follow the instructions. As you meet each criteria, cross it off on the list. When you are finished, return your completed poster with this sheet. Then there were about 30 instructions followed by points you'd receive by completing each one. It had to have a certain title, it had to be on ONE sheet only, it had to be in pencil and colored pencil only, and on and on it went.  I noticed that there was only one thing crossed off on the list. It was enough for me to know that he knew this list existed....

I spoke with both his homeroom teacher and the Science teacher before I left, last night. I pointed out that Jake is disorganized and really needs our help. I told them that I was happy to be on top of it and even show up at school now and again to help him organize his desk and locker, but whatever they could do to actually help him organize himself day-to-day would be really appreciated.

I later filled my husband in on what I observed. We decided on a plan. We needed a huge 3 ring binder for all of his subjects. None of these 8 folders to keep track of with papers falling out. Instead, ALL of his papers would need to go into this binder under the appropriate tabs. He'd take this binder everywhere with him and it would have to come home EVERYDAY so I could check it for organization. He would need a 3 hole puncher at school.

So let's just say, this morning got off to a stressful start. I swear it was my husband who was stressed out first. Or maybe it was just something in the tone of his voice I didn't like that set me off. Or could it be that I was sleep deprived because even though I did everything I had been doing for the past 4 nights, and whatever else I was doing in the past 6 months, Jake got up anyway at 1:30am with another night terror/nightmare? (I'm going to take him to a doctor.) Maybe I was stressed out first, after all....  It doesn't matter. We both succumbed and had a screaming fight over the organization of Jake's folders. There was a dash around the house looking for a big enough binder. A 3 ring hole puncher that wasn't working easily. I heard myself yelling that I didn't understand what he wanted me to do and that why doesn't he actually do something besides bark from the sidelines?? (Not fair. Even while slaving away, he is very involved.) Jake sat silently at breakfast. I noticed my neighbor walk by our open window, who I'm sure got an interesting earful. Belac kept following me between rooms and I kept ordering him to go back and finish breakfast.

I ran Belac off to school and literally dragged him. He was late for his 7:45am reading class. As I turned around to walk home, I bumped into Jake, who was on his way. Hey you! I poked him and began walking with him.

Hi, Mom. Where are you going? he asked me.

With you, I shrugged, I never walked with you to the middle school before.

Dad made me bring this backpack, he said sullenly after a few steps. It was the only one we could find that was big enough to carry the binder and all of my books.

I looked and laughed. That is my backpack from college!! That's so cool. It's so retro. They don't make them like that anymore!

Great, he replied in a voice that showed it was anything but great. It's from the 90s or something?

Kind of! I laughed, more like the 80s! Maybe I even had it in high school, I can't remember now....

Mom, can I ride my bike to school? Other kids do it....

Your bike? Is there a bike rack?

Yeah, I'll show it to you.

We took a look at the rack. We looked at the different bike locks.

Mom, I have to go, Jake looked at his watch, I'm late.

I watched him go. Jake actually likes school, this year, and the last thing he needs is for my husband and me to have these stressful episodes in front of him over him. We can't do this, my husband told me before I left the house. He was right, but all I could do was roll my eyes.

I waved good-bye and dared not try to hug or kiss Jake in front of all the others, even though all I wanted to do was hug him and tell him we'd figure everything out together. I wanted to say sorry for screaming this morning when I suddenly realized that this all had very little to do with Jake and all to do with husband and wife bickering gone out of control. I have to explain to Jake, later, that we're really not mad at him. We're just worried about him, but even so my husband and I have to do a better job of showing him a united, positive face.

Have a good day! I called after him.

first and foremost

10 years into being a mom, I have just begun to figure out how to make my job easier.

Yesterday, I actually went to the grocery store with a list instead of trying just to remember. I think this means I won't be back at the store, picking up just one thing tomorrow!

Last night, I cooked enough for 2-1/2 days. The thought of just heating food for dinner, tonight, makes me happy.

All those tubs and take-out containers with missing lids or lids with no containers? This morning was the last time I searched for matches in a sea of plastic. I kept just a few for leftovers and lunches but otherwise trashed almost all of it.

Before their evening showers, I now have both kids lay out their 'night time' person and their 'day time' person. The kids have fun with their people. I have seen a leg folded over, just to be casual, or the underpants placed where the head should be..... The early prep makes getting dressed in the morning so much easier for all.

Both boys are not in tae kwon do anymore. It was very expensive and time-consuming for what it was and the kids have become increasingly physically active, anyway. Last night, both boys rode their bikes until way past dark. Jake came and sat on my lap as he ate his dessert. We watched Belac do figure 8s. We lingered as long as we could outside, hoping my husband would join us, but it was 8:45pm when he finally came, well after the kids were already washed up and in bed.

I asked my husband, last night, if he's happy. He told me that he's happy about everything except his job. It's unfulfilling work, Gimky, and I'm wasting my brain. But even then he felt he had no right to complain. He has work and it's that work that pays for everything.

Well what do you call my work? I'm not sure teaching these little kiddies is that much better. What was my DMA for? Certainly, I didn't think I was taking out student loans to end up doing what I'm doing!

I admit, you're just passing time with those lessons, Gimky. But what you're really doing with your life is infinitely more valuable.

Like what?

Like going around and schmoozing and making nice with everyone to make sure that the kids are part of this community... I could never do that. Figuring out what the kids need. Becoming friendly with the administration and making sure the kids get what they need in school. Finding out about Sunny Patch and moving us here. Finding this house. Negotiating all the work that needs to get done on the house. Finding bargains. The bulk of what you do everyday is meaningful. Me? I'm bringing home a paycheck.

Well, I laughed, better you than me! We definitely couldn't do any of this without you....

As I went upstairs to wake Jake, I thought about it. I can't say I'm doing anything great with my Juilliard degrees, but I did somehow become okay with it this year. And I'll tell you why. The honest truth is - and I didn't always realize this - I like being a mom. I also never knew or experienced such deep love until both my kids came along. But sometimes it's just hard. Certain challenges seem unsolvable and it's easy to wonder, day by day, if your making any positive impact at all. Some days you end up coasting, just trying to keep your chin up. Sometimes you wish for something 'easier' to do with more attainable objectives and goals. A pay check every 2 weeks would be nice. It would prove to a certain degree that someone else thought I was doing an acceptable enough job. And a year end bonus would be great, too! A reflection of going above and beyond....

So recently, I did receive what you might call my paycheck AND bonus. Belac learned to ride a bike after years of trying! And right away, he held his own on our family bike rides. It is so amazing to see him pumping along on his little silver bullet.... Jake has had 4 good nights of sleep and actually likes school this year. He's been going early, everyday, and seems happy and relaxed. He voluntarily came and sat on my lap, last night, just to cuddle up and chat. I don't remember the last time that happened and it's such a relief to see him smiling.

There's nothing I want to be doing more than seeing and experiencing these good moments with the boys, though sometimes I feel parched and am dying for a drink before the universe finally offers up more water. Of course, these accomplishments are theirs alone, but they are also my very proudest moments. And that is how I know, first and foremost, I am Mom.

a bocca chiusa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f1k14GQmNE&feature=related

bright and early

 Belac 9/11

Third night in a row, I got Jake up after an hour of sleeping. This time I had to drag him. He kept resisting and burying himself in the covers. Every time I got his legs over the side of the bed to pull him up, he managed to get himself back in bed. Jake! You gotta help me out here! Come on!

We did our little spiel as I stood with him in the bathroom. A drink of water. A quick leak. A few words from me that he probably couldn't hear, and then he was back under the covers and gone for the night. It's brilliant, actually, if this is all it takes. Interrupting his sleep cycle so he can get better sleep.

This morning, Jake asked to finish the left over steak from the other night. Really? But I'm already making you turkey bacon! Really, mom, I'll eat it all.

Hey, Mom! I later heard him call. Jake was already outside with his backpack on. He didn't have to be at school for another 45 minutes but was ready to get going. Are we all walking together?

Sure! I grabbed my keys. We'll drop Belac off first. How sweet that he wanted to walk with us, today, even if it meant being super early to school. Or maybe he just likes school this year and wants to be there?

Belac, I heard him say, go get your backpack on, we're leaving!

And with that, we were off.

good problem

We spent a lot of the week end biking and had just come back from another ride on the North County  Trailway. This time, Jake and my husband went much farther and faster. Belac and I took our time on a more modest 9 mile loop. This kid is impressively strong despite his small packaging, I observed. The whole first-half of our route was uphill and he never stopped despite his heavy bike without gears.

As my husband and I got dinner together, I told him. I read somewhere that maybe as few as 20% of kids with autism get up on a bike.

Gimky, my husband looked at me squarely, he's not autistic. At least not anymore, he added. It doesn't matter what all of his paperwork says. He definitely has his problems and challenges, but it's not what you call autism. 

I honestly don't know what to think. We obviously have a lot of paper work that contradicts my husband. 4 years ago, a private evaluation by the neuropsychiatry department at Columbia Presbyterian confirmed Belac was autistic and that there was no cure for it. It had been initially reported in his paperwork by a neurologist and psychologist working for Early Intervention. But a lot has happened since his therapies began 5 years ago. There have been days, more recently, that I see a kid who could maybe pass as 'normal,' despite still being very much his own person. He needs his aide, but more to redirect his attention and now rarely for behaviors. He also now spends his entire day in a typical classroom. He has turned out to be creative. He's made a couple of die-hard friends. He gets jealous when they seem to pay too much attention to Jake.

He told me this morning. Mom, I'm going to be embarrassed in school.

Why?

Because everyone thinks I want to marry Lily.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. She's your good friend and you just like spending time with her! Now hurry up and get dressed!

Since when did it matter to him what everyone else thinks? I cared too much, growing up, and it was a very bad thing. In the context of where Belac's come from, though, it's a very good problem to have. Very, very good indeed.

interruption

It is 8:57pm. Jake has just begun to snore. I said good night to him about 8:30. We had talked and I told him I'd be back in 10 minutes. About 10 minutes later, he asked from the top of the stairs. Mom? Has 10 minutes passed? Yes! I said as I finished the dishes. I'm bringing my computer and sitting in your room.

In now one hour, 10 pm, I am going to wake Jake to go pee and have a drink of water. I will make the time he's up on his feet - even if he's sleeping - last about 5 minutes. It's exactly what I did last night, as per a website I found about night terrors, and it worked. No nightmare/terror!

The other night, when he spent the night at his buddy's house, we got a call at 1:30am. Jake wanted to come home from White Plains and was crying and asking for me. He had slept over there dozens of times since nursery school and this had never happened. This was now the 4th difficult night in the past 6 nights. I chatted with him. He preferred for me to get him right away instead of waiting until the morning. I got dressed and was ready to go get him but my friend said to just wait. Let's see if I can get him back to bed. He went back to bed. I spent the rest of the night, though, not able to sleep and fully clothed to drive over.

By the next day, Jake was convinced we never talked. He didn't have any recollection at all. And so that is how I came to realize that maybe these are night terrors, after all. This is also how I came to find (and remember) that I should interrupt his sleep before he goes into deep sleep, within 90 minutes of his first passing out and before the nightmare/terror typically begins.

I explained to Jake, tonight, that this is what I did last night and plan to do tonight, for as long as it takes if it works. Okay, he told me, as he entwined my arms in his. He ran 2 miles with my husband, this morning. They biked 20 miles together, this afternoon. They played Mario Bros. together, tonight, and we spent the evening cuddling and hanging out. This is a kid who is deeply loved and tended to. Sweet, sweet dreams, my boy!

September 11

Watched just a few minutes of the ceremony, this morning, and cried. A girl held back tears as she read names, including her own father's. A boy professed his love for his dad and added, if you ever met my brother and your youngest son, you'd be really proud.

10 years ago, we were living in Manhattan. My husband first heard and then saw a plane flying just way too low. In the time it took for him to turn around and come home, the news had already spread like wildfire. My husband ran up 6 flights of steps to our apartment, calling Gimky! A plane flew through one of the towers! Then on live news, we saw the second impact. It took a few horrified seconds for us to realize this was not an instant replay. The phone lines were overloaded and now they were shutting down the bridges. I left my husband with baby and ran to Olivia's, buzzing and buzzing for her to wake up and come with me. My sister-in-law ran 41 blocks from her office in Times Square in heels.... all on a beautiful day, just like today. Blue sky and sunshine!

Victims called families in their last minutes to say I love you. That's all that matters in the end, isn't it? The love and time we make for one another. May we always take a moment, everyday, to appreciate each other.

sailing!

The biggest change since Dave saw Belac 10 weeks ago, is that Belac switched from riding a 3 wheel scooter to a 2 wheel scooter, then suddenly learned how to ride a bicycle without training wheels after years of trying. Since not even 2 weeks ago, Belac has been riding his bike everyday on the driveway. Last week end, we went on a 7 mile bike ride as a family. This week end, we went on - at his insistence - our usual 13 mile loop. He was so proud to be off his well-worn tag-a-long wheel!

My husband and I took turns trailing each of our boys on the North County Trailway. Every now and then, following Belac, I prompted him to keep right. Now and then I pointed out there was a crowd ahead or someone passing. But overall I was very impressed that he pedaled continuously and that he was keeping flow. He managed bumps and hills and remained alert enough with his surroundings. On your left! he'd call out as he passed walkers while ringing his bell. Every now and then he lost and caught his balance. Every now and then he pointed out something to me. When a butterfly whished past us, Belac told me: some people think when you see a butterfly you can make a wish. We saw 2 butterflies during our ride and I made 2 wishes.

We had been going on family bike rides for years with Belac riding behind my husband. He pedaled but often coasted, barely getting any exercise. Plus, he couldn't see anything straight ahead except for my husband's back. I started thinking Belac would never ride on his own, that he was too comfortable with the tag-a-long and not at all understanding what he was missing. He was now 8 and it seemed everyone his age had learned to ride years ago. We broke our backs endlessly trying with him, running behind him and egging him on. Even looked into a University of Michigan program that helps kids with disabilities learn how to ride! So when Jake ran into the house to yell that Belac was riding his bike, that other night, I really had to run out and see for myself because I otherwise could not in a million years believe it. 

It's amazing that Belac's now riding and that we have these kinds of trips to look forward to as he gets stronger. But that's not the only thing that has recently changed. In the last 2 mile sprint uphill, today, I raced against Jake and he beat me!

nachtisch

We were finishing up dinner, last night, and the kids had long left the table. We were at our friends' house. They are parents of Jake's good buddy from nursery school, people we became friends with 6 years ago, around the time of Belac's first autism diagnosis.

You know what? Dave addressed us, as he took his last sip of wine and leaned forward, I had a real conversation with Belac today.... Hmm, I murmured. I was in the back room and asked him what he was drawing, he explained. He looked up, you know, with eye contact, and he showed me and described to me what he was doing.... Even tonight at the dinner table, I noticed there was.... interaction, his wife filled in. Interaction, he repeated. And I just... never really saw that before. Even since we saw you guys, when was it, 10 weeks ago? He seems... really different. There's like some connection. He's made so much improvement.... My husband and I were silent but obviously all ears. Dave was obviously stumbling about in foreign waters but plodded on. You know, I don't know how to say this, but if I didn't know him before and just saw him tonight, you know, I'm not sure I would know that anything was... wrong.

We're really lucky, was my almost inaudible knee-jerk reply.

Thanks for the comment, I heard my husband answer in a strangely formal voice, your feedback is obviously valuable.

And with those few words from both of us, the conversation picked up somewhere else. Strange, huh? That you didn't find us jumping for joy or getting too excited or pondering our friend's favorable assessment for too long. But that's the thing with autism, a condition that has both scared and humbled us for what seems like a lifetime. Even in the face of improvement, maybe even remarkable improvement, you never reclaim the naivete that everything will be okay. 

Katie Smith

How does someone from the 3rd grade find me on Facebook? There are hundreds of identical looking Asians sharing my name there. In a strange way, I'm touched by her effort to find me and felt my eyes get moist. I remember her. I remember she sat next to me on the bus and threw up on a field trip to the farm.

I left the school without a word after 5th grade. I didn't think I knew anyone so well in elementary school or made any significant impression and that I was simply long forgotten. As a daughter of immigrants, I was never allowed to go to anyone's house to play, wasn't allowed to join the Brownies or Girl Scouts and didn't feel I established any strong bonds with anyone. So this afternoon I received a short and sweet note from a girl I was friends with when I was 8 years old. She called me her best friend. Really....?  I mean, really? I don't know what to think or believe. It's a little weird, but more than anything I find it sweet.

mi ma mo!

 Belac 8/11

This week, I began coaching a tenor who is studying at Juilliard and lives near Sunny Patch. A lifetime ago, I was a vocal coach at an opera house and a studio pianist for a Met Opera singer. Most of my income as a freelancer and staff pianist at Juilliard came from accompanying singers and doing this kind of thing. It suited me and I was very busy. I could sightread anything, transpose at sight, and cared a lot about the story behind everything. I coached pitch and diction, too. Not all pianists have the appetite to deal with diva temperaments, but I found working with singers interesting and their personalities fascinating. It's been awhile, though. Ever since moving out to Westchester County, I haven't been in the thick of this.

Now a dozen years later, a bodybuilding tenor with bleached blond hair came by to sing Puccini and Verdi. As soon as he walked through the door, I was immediately transported to another time when I wouldn't blink an eyelash over whatever came in. The kid behaved and dressed like a cartoon character! He reminded me of the suave wanna-be, overly-confident stud, flexing his muscles and courting the uninterested, bookish Belle in Beauty and the Beast. He also spoke with some hoity-toity, over-articulated English, despite being a native American speaker, and dropped names and unnecessary details incessantly. Oh GOD! I wanted to roll my eyes, how did I ever put up with this crap?

But you know what? This kid opened his mouth and could he sing! A huge, bright, youthful and out-of-control voice came tumbling out. His Italian was beautiful. I corrected pitch and timing, made suggestions about breathing and different ways to approach the high notes, got him familiar with the accompaniment and pounded out notes he should anchor himself with.... He had such a great attitude when it came to the singing, and in no time at all, the hour was up!  Fun stuff, actually. I had forgotten how fun this could be.

He's a poor artist type and can barely pay me anything. He felt bad and was apologetic. If you need a personal trainer, I can fit you in!  No, no, I said. I also give massages, he continued. Oh God! I said aloud and laughed. You know what? Let's just keep it simple. I'm fine with what you can pay.

He's coming twice a week and maybe, eventually, there will be others. That would certainly be wild. I really never thought I'd be coaching again, much less from as far away as Sunny Patch. What a welcome surprise.

being friends in 3rd grade

 Belac 9/11

It's not fair, Belac told me at dinner, I only get to talk to Lily a tiny bit at school. I saw the despair in his eyes. Can we have a play date every day?

No, I laughed, but I can ask her for tomorrow or Friday.

Okay, he said looking down and wiping his eyes.

I emailed her mom. She mentioned Lily was having a 'very hard time' starting school and these first days were apparently even harder for her brother. She'd have to see in the morning about the play date and what Lily was up for. I replied that I understood how transitions can be so hard. Belac was so sad he wasn't in Lily's class this year and had shed many, many tears over this.

It's dawning on me that Lily might be a socially anxious child, and her brother even more so. And in this context, I can understand why Belac is such a good friend. He's so reliable. He loves Lily and never denies it, even when being endlessly teased about it. (Girls and boys are not usually such close friends anymore, so the 8-year old teasing is that they must want to get married.) She always had Belac waiting for her at school and wanting to sit next to her. He always had pictures for her. And I've seen first-hand just how sweet and encouraging she's been to him in return. I can understand why their relationship worked. I wondered if Lily would end up coming....

And she is! Just received an email. "Lily would love a playdate with Belac. I put a note in her backpack that she can walk home with you."

Belac will be o-v-e-r-j-o-y-e-d.

so far so good

 Belac 9/11

Could it really be possible that Jake's nightmares have suddenly vanished with the beginning of a new year at a new school with a new teacher?  I dare not get my hopes up, but he's had 2 great nights of uninterrupted sleep after his first 2 days of school. This, after 6 months of generally bad sleep. There was also no homework this first week, no early or late periods at school, no extra curriculars, no piano teaching for me... just a couple of play dates, early dinners, and a generally easy time at home.

Of course it cannot remain this way. He's going to get homework, has to start practicing again. There will be deadlines and the inevitable bumps along the way. I'm going to get busy and it will be impossible to eat at 6 every night.... And he's going to have to wake up earlier to to be at school by 7:45am, 3 days a week. But a very significant difference is, he's going to be spending the bulk of his day with a teacher who is not clearly at the end of her rope....

If his sleeping could just get back to its reliable, non-eventful state again, it would be huge. Being tired makes coping with stress even more difficult. This morning, I saw Jake kind of skip along to school. He wasn't exactly running, but he definitely wasn't dragging his feet and filled with the dread of last year. So far, so good.

Day 2

Things Jake told me after school today:

School is different. Mrs. Sullivan doesn't yell, she just talks.

What does she say to you?

Well, she talks to everyone, not just me. Like, she told us on the first day she was excited to teach us.

Didn't Mrs. Pomme tell you that?

Yes, but as soon as the parents left, she started yelling.

Do you like school better this year?

Yeah. I didn't like talking to Mrs. Pomme because I was always worried she was going to yell at me.

So it's less stressful now?

I guess so.

How's the walking going?

Good.

Would you rather that I walk with you?

No.

But you told me, yesterday, that it seemed like you were the only 5th grader walking.

Well, that's because it was raining, yesterday. When I walk by myself, I feel like everyone else!

What you do

This morning at drop off, the elementary school principal waved from afar and made a gesture to me to wait. Gimky! she hugged me. It wasn't lost on me that she was now calling me by my first name. How are you? I am so sorry about the whole thing with Jake's teacher placement. I didn't know! I had no idea at all that Mrs. Lotto would be extending her maternity leave and coming back late!

It's okay, it's really okay! Jake likes the kids in his new class and I liked Sullivan right away. He had a really good first day of middle school! I'll tell you what I didn't like, though, if you want to know....

She was all ears and now walked me to a quiet corner in the hall.

Upon first hearing the gossip that Mrs. Lotto was not returning, right away, I called up the middle school. The asst. principal told me very confidently that Mrs. Lotto would be out 'just a couple of weeks.' 5 minutes later, though, in the same conversation and upon further questioning, she admitted to me that Mrs. Lotto would be out until end of October! Are you kidding me, Maggie...? now addressing the elementary school principal by first name. The elementary school principal was wide-eyed and quiet. That's 2 months and not the couple of weeks she just casually referred to. The entire conversation was like this! An ever-changing story with fluffy details that couldn't be pinned down. And just like that, I snapped my fingers, I lost confidence in this middle school administration. They are not straight forward and honest. I'm sure you heard - and by then I wasn't surprised - the student orientation over there was the most confused mess you ever saw. Parents were very unhappy at how poorly the administration communicated. What can I say, I laughed and squeezed the Principal's arm, we miss all of you over there! What goes on here is something special....

You didn't hear it from me, Gimky, she shushed me and wouldn't laugh or crack a smile. From now on, if you have a problem in the middle school, you go right to the Principal and not to anyone else. She waved her pointer at me while stressing her point. You put whatever it is, right in front of her, and you make it crystal clear. That's what you do and you didn't hear it from me.

I hope it never comes to that, but I filed the tidbit away. And walking home, I realized that Maggie was also telling me something else. Sure. It was good I had all of those meetings with Mrs. Pomme about Jake's tough year in her class, last year. But I should have gone to Maggie much, much sooner. Like she said. Go right to the principal and not anyone else and put whatever it is right in front of her. That's what you do!

sweet dreams!

Mom, Jake entwined my arms in his, don't go!

I love this time with him at bedtime. When he doesn't want me to go, he indulges me in answering all of my many questions with details instead of his usual shrug. He told me about what you could buy at lunch. Who he sat with. How indoor recess was so boring, but he happened to find this interesting book to read at the library called "All about Pirates." He mentioned to me that Mrs. Lotto came for a brief visit, even though he would be having Sullivan as a homeroom teacher for the next couple of months. She seemed nice. He told me about all the reasons why he had to open his locker after I left and that opening his lock was no problem at all. He was happy that his closest buddy, Ben, was sitting just one kid away from him. I found out that all they did in science was laugh with their new (male) teacher who told jokes and spent the whole time getting to know them. He also told me he wasn't sure he knew of any other 5th grader who was allowed to walk home alone. He was proud to be trusted and, of course, we are lucky to be just 5 blocks from school....

As he drifted off tonight, I stroked his head. I have a good feeling about this year, Jake. I'm so proud of you for remembering everything you needed and getting yourself home! I'm happy about your teachers and the kids in your class.... Now sleep your pretty little head off, okay?

Please, please let him sleep tonight. 

new beginning

Jake slept horribly for the second night in a row. I even found him calling and looking for me downstairs in the middle of the night. I kept it light and reassuring, but ended up dragging a mattress into his room and sleeping on the floor. Thanks, mom, he told me.

If there was ever a day to be grateful for not working full-time and working for myself, it was today. There was a 45-minute orientation period before a late start at school. Many parents couldn't or didn't feel the need to stay during the lull in between, but I had an unrushed 30 minutes with Jake and I think it meant a lot to him. We went and bought a lock, set up his locker, and practiced his locker combination, the thought of which had caused him much distress last night. I asked him how things were in the classroom during the orientation. Good! he told me. I really like your teacher, I mentioned, she seems really nice. She's really nice, he confirmed. I got chatty with the hall monitor and introduced Jake. We exchanged a few words with Jake's new science teacher, who was directing traffic.

I'll see you later, mom, Jake reassured me, I'm fine. I leaned over to hug and kiss him, but he had already turned around and was heading back to class. This was all good. I'll meet him at home, since he's walking to and from school by himself now. Have a great day! I called behind him.

Lily - Part 2

Belac begged me on Tuesday to call Lily. He really wanted to play with her again. I was reluctant because they had just spent the day together. I didn't want to appear desperate. I also felt that Lily's mom was keeping her distance and I didn't want to push her good grace.

Just keep it casual, my husband suggested. It's okay, Gimky, call her! You can do it. 

UGH. 

Lily's mom didn't pick up and I left a message with the sweetest, laid back voice I could muster. Thanks for yesterday, Belac had a great time.... Hope the electricity comes back soon and let me know if there's anything I can do in the meantime... By the way, I'm bringing Belac to town for some ice cream, does Lily want to come? If you get this message in the next half hour, just let me know. Otherwise we'll see you some other time.

Minutes later, Caroline called. No electricity and Lily would love to go for ice cream.

Belac jumped up and down upon hearing the news. Did I mention what a treasure Lily is to him?

I picked her up and off we went. The kids played air hockey and she beat him 19-1. Good job! Good try! she kept telling Belac throughout. They both had chocolate ice cream and made messes of their faces. I gave them each 2 quarters and they played pin ball. I kept refocusing Belac to pay attention to Lily's game. An hour later, we headed back. 

I chatted a little with Lily's mom. In passing she mentioned that they hadn't showered in 3 days. Caroline! Come over and shower at our place! Really!!

She was hesitant. Maybe....

Really! It's no imposition at all!

The surprising thing is. They came. Not only that, she took me up on my taking her dead cell phone home to charge until she shlepped over later with her kids. And when the kids took turns showering, they all gathered around Jake, who read freaky facts from his Guinness Book of World Records. And even after they showered and my husband was home, the mom lingered to talk to him for the next half hour and basically had to drag her kids out so we could all get going on our dinner plans. Though they were meeting their dad at a restaurant, they were in no rush.

Gimky, my husband shrugged, it's clear that she likes us. And you know what I think? There's a story on their side, too. Definitely. I just know it. There's something a little off and there's also something... odd with their son. It occurred to me that maybe they aren't close enough to anyone else to ask for a shower. We barely know them, you know, and it's a little strange - considering we only moved to Sunny Patch last year - that they came here of all places.... I know! I agreed. Something rang true to me about what he was saying. Lily's family seemed so decidedly formal and mysterious in a way.

Whatever happened, it was nice that some more of the ice had been broken. I even hugged the mom good-bye, which I don't think she at all expected. If there's ever a way we can return the favor, she kept saying. And all I wanted to just say was. As long as Lily wants it and no matter what you hear about Belac, please just let the kids remain friends.

on top of spaghetti

Spent the afternoon on a long hike from Sunny Patch to the fields of Stone Barns. I picked up shiny rocks that the kids each pocketed. They kept looking for and eventually found the perfect sling shot twigs. We saw not one other person until we reached Stone Barns and the dog was off leash for most of the time. We went looking for the family of pigs before heading home on this beautiful day.

At times Belac held my hand. Other times Jake leaned into me and I hugged him. Most of the time we were paired off or the boys hovered about my husband, continuously asking him questions. Where is the safest place to be on earth? What happens when lightening strikes water? Are there ripples?  Can you jump off a hot air balloon with a parachute?

It's the last Friday before school begins. It's sweet to be together and doing our family thing. I am grateful to my husband, who got our family in the habit of regularly hiking and biking, even before the kids could walk. Being out in nature and under the big blue sky is the most amazing time we share together. Now all freshly showered, we're about to eat carry-out on the porch. Life is good. Cheers to all!

dollars and sense

 Belac 8/11

Last night, we lingered on the porch after dinner, way past dark. Candles flickered and we huddled together in sweatshirts. Belac was excused to finish building a lego submarine from a kit, Jake stayed to talk about allowance for this year.

We agreed it would be 5 dollars every Friday. We also agreed that 1 dollar of it would be set aside in a separate jar for charity. Much like collecting tzedakah in Jewish households.

You mean I can choose where that money goes? Jake asked. Yes, I told him. In a year it will be substantial and 52 dollars! It could go to the Ronald Mac Donald house, or to help the sick or the poor, or for whatever cause you feel needs your help.... You know, when Dad biked in CT last year? He raised more than 500 dollars to fight cancer.... Remember Aunty A was once sick with a kind of cancer? We donate 100 dollars to that society, too. Helping others is the responsibility that comes with having money, my husband said. Last month, I added, Uncle D and Aunt M did a charity walk, too. Dad and I gave 200 dollars to help fight autism.

What's autism? Jake asked, looking up at us. I eyed my husband quietly.

Autism is a disorder, my husband explained carefully. People with autism have difficulty talking and relating to others.... Remember Brian?

Well, Brian talks, so he doesn't have autism. Jake explained confidently.

He talks to you? my husband asked.

Well, he talked to Belac. He told Belac to go away a few times and then hit him a few times.

But they didn't have a conversation, I pointed out.

No, they didn't, Jake answered.

Remember Zack from your old class, the one with the Aide?

He talks, too, Jake said.

But what does he say when he talks, Jake? Have you ever had a conversation with him?

He thought about it. I don't really know what Zack's real voice is. Like, he says a lot of things in different voices that don't always make sense. One time in art, he repeated exactly what the art teacher said back to the whole class. And he did this even when we weren't in art anymore for like, no reason....

So many questions lingered in the air as we sat there quietly. How does Jake view his brother in this context?  How does he feel about these kids with needs? Does he internalize that his brother is one of them? Does he have any inkling that his own brother could be part of this conversation we were having?

So. What are you saving your allowance for? I asked.

Lily - Part 1

Belac 8/11

On Monday, Lily and her family came over. Lily and Belac paired off right away, leaving Jake and Lily's siblings mostly to hang onto the moms. I kept encouraging Jake and Lily's siblings to check out the toys or go exploring around the house, but they all kept clinging on. Lily's mom and I had no shortage of things to talk about, but for some reason the visit felt forced and awkward. I made some coffee, which Lily's mom seemed to appreciate. They still had no electricity or water at home. But there was something that remained all too cautious and distant about our interaction.

20 minutes later, the mom had to run with the Lily's siblings. She needed to get her brother to a bus in White Plains. Post Irene, there was still no train service to NYC and most of the roads leading south were still shut down. Her brother's only option was to catch a bus from White Plains to get to work. As Lily's mom was leaving, Lily ran over to whisper something. Lily didn't want to stay, I heard. Belac stood at her side, just basking in Lily's presence and not fully understanding what was happening.

Lily, it's going to be a boring ride to White Plains, her mother reasoned. You could stay and play the Wii, her sister added. But Lily didn't want to stay. Again, awkwardness. Well, how about we have Belac come over? Caroline asked Lily, who now nodded. Yes! exclaimed Belac.

Are you sure? I asked, hesitantly, anything but sure. The mom was definitely pushed into this.

Belac busily hurried with his green sneakers. Help me, Mom! Help me with my shoes, quick!

Lily stood waiting. Mom! she hollered outside, we have to wait for Belac! Wait!

See? I told myself. Even if she doesn't want to stay, she's waiting for him. He does matter to her.

Ugh. I told my husband by phone afterward. I can't stop worrying there will soon be a falling out. That somehow Belac will be found out and not deemed 'good enough' for her parents to encourage this friendship.

Stop it, my husband insisted, stop it!! He's plenty good for her. He is not a charity case, nor are we.

It's just that he loves Lily and she is a true friend.... He chose her. And she's the only friend he has made truly all by himself.

I later ran an errand in town. Who did I meet but his Aide of 2 years, Mrs. Rondo. I saw her from afar and we both opened our arms for a hug from blocks away. We chatted freely. For the first time ever, she mentioned her husband. She told me he's a plumber and was very busy with the recent flooding. They had, themselves, a generator running at home.Where's Belac? Mrs. Rondo asked. At Lily's, I told her. Oh Gimky! she said with a laugh and a sort of incredulity, you should know....

By the end of last year, Belac barely needed me! It was that little girl, Lily, who really changed everything for him. Everything! Because he loves her so much, he was on his best behavior. He wanted to please her and used his words. He listened. He tried in school and just rose to the occasion. If there was just one reason Belac made so much improvement last year, it was his making friends with Lily. And let me tell you something else. The feeling was mutual! She wasn't being just nice to him. That Lily loves Belac, too.

It's amazing he made such a good friend, I marveled, and what a difference she made in his life.

Gimky, when I think of that first year, of his pulling his pants down in school, the school going in lock down mode because he ran away or went in hiding, the screaming and defiant behavior, she put her hand to her forehead, I just cannot believe - looking at him today - that he is the same kid! It's amazing how far he's come. He's a different kid than he was just 2 years ago!

I stood on that street corner and weeped. What are we going to do without you in 3rd grade?

It'll be fine, she said to me, I'll be in touch with his new Aide. Plus, you and I can be friends now! I love you, she exclaimed - much to my surprise - as she hugged me goodbye.

I gathered myself together and went to get Belac. Lily had another girl friend at the house now, and I could see Belac wandering a bit on the edge of the property. I almost called you, Lily's mom told me, because every way I tried to get into White Plains was blocked. I knew there had to be a back road, though, because you mentioned your husband got to work. We eventually figured it out....  Next time just call, I insisted, you can call me about anything, don't hesitate!

Let's go, Belac! He hugged Lily good-bye and stood with her for longer than I could graciously control. We'll see you on the 1st day of school, okay? Caroline said to Belac. They were planning to go to their grandparents for Labor Day week end. And seeing as they didn't have power, they would probably leave early Thursday. Okay! I said forcing a smile. Belac had waited all summer for today, counting down the days in fact, and I knew that waiting another week to see Lily again was going to be painful for him. Bye Lily! he screamed as he ran to the car.

By the time we got into the car, he was crying. Mom, I am the unfairest kid in the world! I am the unfairest kid! The other girl gets to stay for dinner!

Belac, you had lunch with Lily! And Lily can have other friends, too.

But I want to stay for dinner, too! Why can't I go to Pennsylvania with her?

We got home. I am the unfairest kid in the world! If I can't be in Lily's class, I want to live next door to her!

Belac, we can't....

Then, I know you will not like this, but we will move into her house! We can live together!!

Belac, come here. I hugged him and he sobbed. It's unfair we are not in the same class! What if we can't sit together at lunch?

And this is where I wanted to cry along with him. I forgot about what this would mean about lunch. They sat next to each other at lunch everyday, last year. It was their routine and now they weren't in the same class.

It's okay, sweetie pie. You can still play with her at recess.

But, and he kept sobbing, it's hard to play with her at recess!

My heart sank even more at this self-realization. I knew from his IEP how hard it is for him to engage and remain engaged at the playground despite his wanting to. I know, sweetie pie.... But you'll ask her to play. Or if she's playing with other kids, you'll play along with all of them. You can do it and it'll be okay. And we'll still have play dates and the free-time on the playground or library before school....

I am the unfairest kid in the world, he sobbed.

I told my husband about this. What? They won't be allowed to sit together for lunch? That's so wrong!

They sit at lunch tables by class. It's not exactly a small school, you know, and it makes it easier for the lunch ladies to keep track of everyone.... But I have to agree with Belac on this one and feel his despair. It's so unfair!

black out

 Belac 8/11

Spent the day with Alyssa in CT, yesterday. She had a day off from work. The kids played in the woods the entire time and we sat in her messy kitchen chatting lazily. I have known Alyssa my whole life and trust her like a sister. I love her 3 kids like my own. We are lucky that our kids get along the way they do. 

Aunt Gimky? Alyssa's eldest told me, as we drove to a restaurant together. You are the only person in my life I can say anything to. I'm honored, I told her, because you are one special girl R8!

She has entered adolescence and has been at odds with her mom for awhile. Over the past dozen years, our families have spent a lot of time together. We've celebrated graduations, house closings and christenings. We take vacations together. And over the years, I have noticed that Alyssa (a first born) has become increasingly tough on her daughter (also a first born) and her daughter has grown to push back equally hard.

Every now and then, R8 and I have found ourselves paired up and she'll sigh and tell me. My mom is impossible! She's always so mad at me! I never take sides when it comes to her and her mom, I am very loyal to each of them. In fact, I always steer the conversation away from confronting what is directly happening. Instead, I end up telling her about my own complicated relationship with my own mom growing up and some of my stupid mistakes. It interests R8 to no end.... Maybe it's enough for her to know that the friction between mother and daughter is not novel. I largely have no advice to give her and especially can never bring myself to beat her over the head with the ultimate conversation stopper. Your mom loves you and just wants the best for you. I think that's why we have such a nice relationship. I'm her aunt (and not her mom.)

I listened to Alyssa patiently try to talk to Belac, yesterday, who couldn't focus enough to answer most of her questions. I felt myself become distressed and rolled my eyes at her as if to say, you see? And you still think he's going to be okay? She shrugged me off. Plenty of adults can barely have conversations, she reassured me. Really? Did she really believe this? Would she feel this okay about it if Belac were her own son? But here she was, good-naturedly prodding Belac on with none of his mother's distress and impatience.

As we left the restaurant, my husband pointed out that his office would soon be in CT and nearby. You see? Alyssa said, you guys really should have moved to CT. I realize how valuable it would have been to be closer. Not because of my husband's job, though, but for all the extra love and understanding we would have given each other's children.